The Worst Idea Of All Time - REPLAY: Killionaire TV: Fin

Episode Date: May 26, 2026

Patricia, Ben and Joe have been selected by you: The sole, libertarian listener of TWIOAT to go head-to-head-to-head; Facing off in five rounds of intellect, creativity and righteousness to be crowned the champion of Killionaire TV. There can be only one.Support the boys on their modern-day adventures at twioat.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tim here, if you want to see me in the flesh and you're in New Zealand or Australia, good news. I'm coming to Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland and Wellington for the comedy festivals. Please buy some tickets now at timbat.com.com. Hello, single libertarian listener, and welcome to the final finale final of the winner's circle of Killionaire TV. My name is Tim Bat. And my name is Guy Montgomery. it's been a long and winding road to make it here. An anonymous basement in which we cannot reveal the location time.

We're at my house. Yeah, we're only need to be. And it's 8 a.m. right now. Okay. And we're joined by our final whittledown three from a process that has taken days and weeks and months of plotting and planning and scheming and enterprising, how we will turn a billionaire into a trillionaire and a trillionaire into a dead person, Guy Montgomery.

I just wanted to say conniving as well. For me, the conniving is one of the most vital parts of plotting a murder. And I've never plotted a murder to completion. But certainly if you come around to my house, there's a lot of string. There's a lot of bits of paper on walls. There's a lot of photos cut out for magazines. And it's the conniving for me, which really makes a difference. Today we are joined by our finalists.

Patricia, Ben and Joe. Joe, how are you? I'm very well, thank you. How are you, Tim? I'm very well, thank you. Fans will remember that Joe's plot centered around training some monkeys in the Amazon and transforming the lungs of the earth into a new, beautiful, capitalist landscape. And also, to boot, invented a new word, which is a unit of trained monkeys. It's called a rainbow, which I really liked.

How have you been in the intervening months, Joe? I've been very well, thank you. It's, uh, I've traveled from Nottingham to Dorset. I've started a new job. It's been a lot. But throughout it all, I've had Killianair on the mind. I've been, you know, watching planning, plotting. Been in contact, you know, this whole presidential change in Brazil.

It's got a little problem. But we'll work around it. We'll, we'll keep it going. Claire's still eager to go. Yeah, I'm good. It's a good point. Bolton Arrow was probably more. on board than than lulu right yeah yeah but we're working around it we've got some things on the burn

yeah good on you joe you got to keep moving with the with the flow of life aren't you and ben how might you be i'm also good last time i had covid while we recorded and i don't now so that's good it's a market improvement uh we my wife and i adopted a dog so that's always good and i stopped listening the to any amount of news at all. Wow. Which is also good. I mean, that's almost, you know, that's an oral equivalent of moving from Nottingham to Dorset in terms of a life change there. Huge.

So what do you know, what's the latest thing you heard that's going on in the world? Twitter. Yeah, still there. But only because I have some friends at work there that they don't anymore, but they did. Oh, my. Yeah. Well, I mean, he's the guy who bought Twitter Is probably a name that will come

With a conversation, incidentally today The great Elon Musk, a close personal friend of mine Congratulations on beating COVID And also the dog Yeah, tell us about the dog Ben, I want to hear about the dog He's a cute little boy He came with the name Yeti

And that's a great name He's a 160 pounds and still growing Dang That's about 72ish kilograms Hey, I really respect the conversion. Do you know that off the top of your head or did you know you were talking to a couple of New Zealanders? A little bit of both.

I have some English friends here and I never know what units they prefer. The English do flip-flop. We're metric system down the line every time. Yeah. You guys have a big boner for Imperial and the British are like, oh, we're civilised, but we still want to say a foot because it's fun. Yeah, it does sound good. We're easy.

Stone is fun Stone is fun to say Stone makes no sense What is this stone It doesn't make sense But it's fun What's a stone Joe

How long is a piece of stone You don't know You just don't know No I think a stone head We simply don't have time for this Patricia It's so nice to see you How are you doing?

I'm doing well thank you Nice to see you guys too Just very quickly But Ben's dog 72 kilos That means that your dog weighs more than I do? Yeah, he weighs more than most of my adult male friends.

That's crazy. That's really great. He'll probably top out at a little bit more. He's still, we've noticed him. We got him in May, and it's now November, and he's noticeably bigger. Is it possible that he's been adopted out by his parent Clifford? The big red dog? That bomb.

He's not trying to rescue it. Yeah. but he's still growing. Nearly all dogs at least have the bloody, you know, the wherewithal to stop growing at some point. Not this guy. I think he might have been cursed by a witch. He's a man.

That's amazing. Back to how Patricia is going. Not at all. Very generous of you to share the spotlight with Yeti. I just wanted to hear more about the dog. But no, I'm doing really well. Thank you. How are you guys?

Well, we're in a basement right now. It's fine. It's pretty dank. I'm sort of anticipating a spider crawling across the back of my neck at any point. Tim's calling it dank. It's kind of refreshingly dry. And there's insulation less than probably 40 centimetres above the head. It means that we're breathing in all sorts of powerful stuff to strengthen the lungs.

I'm going to say that I've been doing the opposite of what Ben has been doing. I've been watching the news like absolutely pedantically. instead of like the the total kind of chaos that we seem to be heading towards so to do that in like a control type of manner and it's just thinking like the basement looks a lot like how I presume that we'll all be living in like a future kind of nuclear holocaust so but besides that well everything's great it's funny you should bring that up patricia

because between your respective plots and the conception of the very idea of Killianair, we do have some power to stand in the way of the impending nuclear holocaust. The three of you have already put forward some incredible concepts, ways by which we can intercept

some of the ultra wealthy and eliminate and distribute their funds. And the strength of these pitches is what has brought us all here today. But we're sort of we've basically devised a series of rounds to just help, did you

like lateral thinking puzzles, I suppose, in some ways. You know, just to see the different parts of your brain's firing and really get to the bottom of which of these concepts we would like to pursue. And so this is one of the most important missions that anyone has on Earth right now. And in fact, it's arguable that it's number one priority for the human race, what we're currently engaged in. And so we have deduced some, as guys mentioned, rounds to 10. your mental strength.

And there can be only one winner. And we will now head into the first round. The round of creativity. We have asked you to prepare a little homework for this first round, contestants. And that is to write your own acrostic poem. It's quite challenging challenge. Built around the word, Kellionnear. Patricia, I'm going to ask you to please go first for a poetry reading of what you've come up with.

I have to look at my just in my notes app where I wrote it certainly write that down Tim yeah pathetic I was uncertain if I only had more time I was also a little unsure about these

like poems so I hope it's okay that each of the each of the letters has a sentence as opposed to a single word per row the brief is creativity this sounds incredibly creative okay well all right so billionaire brethren I've seen you're a good fight leading pasty young trillionaires

laudably into light. I wish you each crowns on your weary heads. Now rest, sweet champions, as our enemies dead. I thank you too, Sir Tim and Sir Guy, rousers of all that is good.

Even though this championship comes to an end, a monument remains where you stood. And I also thought having the last sentence be, you've built a monument of blood, but I thought the other one had like a nicer and like more familial.

Well, yeah, that's my comp. It's one of those things where you, you know and so you know the author knowing is enough to not explicitly state it because when you release a piece of art like that into the world it's actually

no longer yours it belongs to the consumer and what you've just penned is actually phenomenally poetic I mean you know cross-ic poems for me are like good uncle yes guy you've you've introduced one of the most

important concepts in poetry which is rhyming every other word And it is shocking how many poets Forget that as a central tenet of poetry It's nice to see a little bit of extra homework Patrista that was phenomenal Yeah that was great We're going to move swiftly along

And I want to hear Ben's poem next I went with the guy root Fucked up All right let's fucking hear it killing isn't legal, less infamous, opulent nerds, and it's really earned. Oh, can we hear it again, please? Sure, I tried to summarize sort of what we're doing here. Yeah.

Killing isn't legal, less infamous, opulent nerds, and it's really earned. I see, so the turn is on lever as. It's on lest, because it's like, you know, you can't do this, except in this circumstance. and this is the very circumstance in which we find ourselves. I think you've undersold your work there, Ben. I think that was very creative, very clever. They had a good rhythm to it. It almost felt like a haiku the way it was delivered.

It's a sort of poem. If you gave it that homework to a schoolchild and they brought it at it and you'd say, I mean, they're clearly very intelligent, but also perhaps a sociopath. And that's a pretty high bar to clear. That's the brief. That's the brief here. Thanks. Joe, give us your beautiful work.

Okay, I've added to the acrosticness of the brief. So this is from the perspective of Elon Musk being handed a tea that's not up to par. Kindness as a virtue is the one thing I can't afford. I'd pay someone to explain, but I don't want to be bored. Listen, I'm just a rich guy trying to get it done. Look at me by Twitter. Watchers I disown my son I'll try to convince you I'm humanity's

savior or the opposite with my misanthropic behavior Now bask in the budget I set aside for good PR And call me a legend when I strap a rocket to my car I did all this off my own back without a handout Reading facts won't be heard as my fanboy shout Elon is hilarious

And he understands my strife Please Elon take my money Elon fuck my wife Owning free speech is what gets my dick hard Don't use it against me or best be on your guard Can't I smear you harder than that I did that cave diver And automate your career like I did a truck driver So if you can, you poor idiotic cock

Tell me why my tea tastes like Novichok Gee whiz And I was killing a podcast Oh, I was wondering because you did Kelly in here And then I was like, and now you've just written this verse We're in free association mode now Wow That was really good

Those were all equally impressed and a beautiful insight now. They weren't equally impressive because someone won the round. They were equally impressive. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. We will be judging these

and ranking them according to how impressive they were. But before we do that, a little bit of commentary in colour on Joe's, I mean, you did it all. You took the sort of narrative device of giving us the first person

perspective of the protagonist of the poem. It rhymed, crucially. Sounds like Tim wants to fuck your poem, Joe. And it was a cross stick. My favourite line, uh, watch me as I try to disown my son.

It's a fun thing to invite people to watch. Yeah, I suppose. Get around everybody. I'm getting rid of a family. Can I ask, Elon would do it. In that poem,

were you playing the character of the person who delivered the tea? I was, I was, I was channeling my Elon there. You were performing as Elon. Yeah. By the end, he's asking, why does his tea taste like Novichog?

Who's done that? He's drinking the tea. Elon's drinking the tea. Yeah, but who's put Novichok in his tea? How hard is that? It could be any of the people he's annoyed previously in the poem. Oh, wow. It's a long list.

It's up to the listener to decide that, you know. I'm just giving you the ingredients to... Trisha's putting it on a coat. Looks like it's getting cold and cool in. Not at all. It's the plans get more and more intense. better put on another layer because it's going to be bone chilling in here. All right, time for us to rank the winners of the, or the winner of this round.

And we're not going to do what we did previously, which was mute ourselves. We're going to discuss openly. You need to have a thick hide to make it in the murdering trillionaire game. It's part of it now because it's the finale. My vote is for Joe to win. Yeah. And I think that I would like Patricia to come second and Ben to come third. You know what?

And this isn't a slight on you, Ben, or you, Patricia, but I totally agree. Okay, I'm going to write. Congratulations, mainly to Joe. While Tim takes notes based around the scoring of the poetry, I'd like to introduce our next round, which is that of business ethics. now obviously you know you've all got your ideas and you've put forward you know your best foot and your best plot for your selected aspiring trillionaires in this round each of you will be asked a hypothetical situation in which if you can imagine this your plan is about to come to fruition you are but moments away

from executing the trillionaire of your choice and in this hypothetical circumstance It requires one last sit-down meal between you and your chosen Trillionette. So you're having a sit-down meal, if you can imagine this. And Elon, Jeff, Zuck, whoever it is, they look up and they say, I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing and I'm in a position to stop it right now. But I will offer you $10 billion to stand up, walk away. we'll pretend this whole thing didn't happen

so $10 billion is put on the table for you to walk away they've threatened that your entire plot will be upended we want to know how you respond to this circumstance how are your business ethics will now run in reverse order

so Joe you may begin I mean the question is what would you do I feel like you missed that you sort of set up a whole what would you do it's pretty straightforward I don't know if it was you're going to assume a little bit of intelligence on their behalf of them. You've got to stop spoon feeding these guys.

What would you do? I'd take the money and I'd find out where the rat in my plan was. So where is Jeff learning about my plan? Who's feeding them the information? I then give that person a little bit of that money, get someone new in that position, and then we're back on. We're back on and I've got bigger wallet.

I've got a number. I don't need a cut at the end now. I've got a good bit of money to myself. Oh, wow. So this is totally packed. You're just, you're rich, but you're still committed. I'm rich, but commit, yeah. In your world, it almost seems like Jeff is funding you to continue the pursuit of murdering him.

Yeah, I think that's why I carry on. Like, I could take the money, but just the mere thought that Jeff could be, you know, using me to kill himself as dark as that is. Oh, what a good way to get rich. Good? It's like the ultimate,

you know, it's like blood sport or whatever. You know how, you know, I think there's an idea where trillionaires or billionaires, like the hunting people for sport. Oh, the purge? Yeah, maybe the purge. Yeah.

There's a bit of that to it, but it's reversed. It's a level of confidence which says, you hunt me. Let's see how you get on. Ben, what would you do? So I have the luxury. My plan involves multiple of these guys.

So part of me wants to just, unless it was Elon, just swap them out. Just take the money and sub sub in, you know, number eight or whoever. In fact, if it's Zuckerberg, he's not even in the top. top group anymore. He's trashed to me. I don't even, I don't want his,

I don't want his, his measly billions. So, uh, I don't think he's got 10 to give me. And I would say that. He'd be devastated by that. So you're,

you're at dinner with Mark Zuckerberg. He said, give you $10 billion not to murder, man, you say, I'd say, show me the money. Then he'd probably cry if he can. And then he'd leave.

And I'd eat, I'd eat his food too, because he's very thin, and I don't think enjoys food. I think he just eats pills. He's a soyling guy. If it's anybody, If it's Elon Musk, I couldn't make the deal.

That guy's just like, it grinds my gears. But anybody else, I'll just swap them out. Elon's got to go, though. Okay, that's interesting. So if we had anyone else, a Billy Gates, Jeffie. Jeffie Bezos, one of the Larry's. Bernardano.

But if it's Elon Musk, you've got such a chub for murdering that guy that you could not. do it even for $10 billion. You just have to... He's just so... You guys, you're friends with him, Guy. Yeah. Guy gets it.

He's irritating, sure, but you can just go home. You don't need to hang out with him the whole night. So if he offered you $10 billion, I like this, they would accelerate your desire to eliminate this guy. He's like, I'll give you $10,000. You'll shut the fuck off. When he's got that much and he's like, my life is worth just a small amount of my own money,

that's disgusting. You're also manipulating the charts by taking the 10 bill off them. And as you say, like, Mark at the moment, he's not doing well. If you took 10 bill off him, I think there might be the last pennies to his name. You could take some billion off Elon, go line Zuckerberg's pockets and take out both of them. I mean, I know he needs more than 10 bill to make it to a trillion. Well, this is, okay, this is good intel. And Patricia, you're at dinner with a billionaire.

Yeah. They offer you 10 of the bees to not kill them. What do you do? Well, it's Zuck, right? Because he was the one I initially decided to kill. But to be honest, like, I don't feel a huge amount of animosity towards him particularly. And I've been in quite a lot of conversations with various Amazon sellers for various objects that haven't arrived or arrived in a different material to what they were meant to be. And so I have an increasing amount of like Amazon boxes of things I don't want. And I've started to feel really like quite furious about it.

And Bezos is in my opinion like the least fuckable or interesting of all. all of these guys. And so, like, I kind of, what I would do is that I would take the money and I'd let Zuck do what he wants. And then I would use that money to build a kind of saw style labyrinth, like the movie saw. And I would like then trap Beesos inside of it. It would be made entirely of Amazon boxes exclusively. And then I would just put a camera and I would do like a pay-per-view thing and that people

just watch as he descends further and further into this hellraise. labyrinth of his own making. That's what I would do, I think. Oh my gosh. That is impressively demented. Yeah. It's really dark. I would say that, yeah, but I would say, though, having listening to all the other

competitors, that Ben said that we should sew them together anus to mouth, like in, yeah, yeah, which is truly shocking, yeah, you know? So you won't know. It's very true. That was what his plan was. We know. We were there. Yeah.

There's something uniquely terrifying about building a labyrinth out of cardboard boxes because in theory, you know, a cardboard box, you feel like you could kind of punch your way through or something. But if there was enough of them in there, you couldn't. They would be strong enough to sustain an attack. And it's up paper cutting. There's also something to me, the reference for Saw has more power than the human centipede, just because I saw it as a much younger and more impressionable person. I think I'd become quite jaded by the time I saw the human.

It was more of a sort of curious monstrosity. But Saul was a genuinely confronting cinema-going experience. And it holds a lot of water for me. These are all delightfully diabolical. And as we've planned, I'm going to say they're all equally impressive. And Tim's going to say, that's not the case. We're going to rank them. These are all equally impressive plans.

Do you want to kick off to that ranking conversation? Yeah, I do actually. and I think I've got my order I think I've got my order to figure out you tell me what your order is well I think for all of you know are there any moral question marks

in this podcast who's to say but I think Patricia's Patricia's plan is phenomenally vindictive and also she's got and it's so petty is what I like about it's just like I got sent some wrong stuff from Amazon so now I want to trap the CEO

in a lab room right and like she's giving back and that if people so choose they can watch. So I think that to me was the number one. The number one. Yeah, I agree. And then I think, truth be told, I quite liked Ben's plan.

Where Ben really got me was when he said if Elon did it, he would still kill he would like. He was the only one who had the moral backbone to not even take the money up front to just be like, no, fuck you. I don't know if it was moral fortitude or just an inability to control his rage. I think it's born in the start of this. Ben said that a lot of his friends, Elon's been responsible for, you know, dismissing a lot of his friends from their work.

I think there is a personal frustration and sense of wrongdoing that he carries with him into that circumstance. Sure. And then Joe's, I could probably relate to the most, which was basically just take the money and then go and enjoy life a bit and regroup. But in terms of business ethics, I think it probably, it showed, you know, the least vertebrae. I don't agree with that. I challenge that.

I put Joe as number two on my ranking. Because it is, I mean, we have made it morally acceptable to murder someone based on how much money they have. So by that lens, I feel like Joe's robbing from Peter and then killing another Peter is so good. Robbing from Peter? Like a billionaire, taking money from them. And then just like using that to just like throw it back in their face and a murder. The same person. Yeah.

It's good. Why, he's just, like, who knows what Jeff's got planned in the intervening moments? It could have fallen into the train. I see what you're saying, yeah. So you're putting too much stock in your ability to turn $10 billion into a successful assassination. I know what you did. This guy's sniffing around for a rat. He doesn't, he's got leaks springing up in his plans.

I'll find him. find them. With $10 billion, you would find them. $10 billion, you've got a pretty big bloody target on your back saying, hey,

I'm in the running now. Watch out. No, I'd give myself a millionaire state as quick as possible. It's so much resources. It's so much resource.

Are you going to relent? Am I going to relent? If neither of us will relent, what are we going to do? Then we've got two second place equals. Oh, wow.

So in this round, Patricia, you have won. You've taken it out and the lads are equal losers. Equals equals piquels. Congratulations Patricia and of course also to Joan Ben.

You guys are doing an outstanding job and it's really quite nice to just kick around in the weeds on this stuff with you. Now the next chance is a classic. If you've been in a car for any length of time you've played this game, if you had a friend in school you've played this game and we've picked the top three most prominent

names that occurred throughout the podcast. The challenge is fuck Mary Kill. The name's Musk, Bezos, Zuck. And Ben, the honors are yours. I don't want to brag, but I have been in a car, and I did have a friend in school. So I'm unfamiliar with the game. It was, sorry, it was Bezos, Musk, and Zuck.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So I think we've established Musk's got to go right off the bat. I don't even want to, not even spiteful fucking, just gone. Bezos, with all the steroids, he's unstable, but he'd be able to help with chores because he's strong, presumably. So I'm going to, I think I'd marry him.

And then Zuck, I just got to see what that's like. What's going on there? We're going to, we're going to fuck. I imagine him like a, you know, this is a, maybe quite a lazy computer. person, but there's a real Kendall energy. Yeah. Smooth all the way around. Not even a butt crack.

I'm wondering, Phil, he may want to bring VR into the equation. I don't know. I don't know what he's doing. I want to know what his nipples look like. He doesn't have him. He's smooth. I think he got everything surgically taken off. I think the whole thing is just one consistent, like pale kind of.

It's a little bit cold to the touch too. Oh, it's got a real. Like a zip lock. Like a zip lock bag full of milk. So the fact that everyone in the metaverse doesn't have legs and they're just floating torsos. That's not a design for it. That's an aspiration for the men. I think Zach is so deep in VR because he thinks that the one, his programming's realized he's copying a bit of shit for being unable to relate to people.

And a lot of that is born around like body function and the functionality of a human body. And the reason he's so obsessed with migrating everyone to the metaverse is a, he can recreate a version of it that he can experience. the same way that all other people are experiencing it. Oh, yeah. And B, it's removing the need to, you know, eat, shit, piss, fuck. I think Zach's smooth all the way over and I'm pretty sure. Guys having fun on the podcast too. Yeah, I am.

You really got my brain whirling right now. I just can't stop thinking about it. Patricia, gunt your head, fuck Mary kill. Let's hear it. Yeah, it's a little bit different but also a little bit the same. So I was thinking actually, like first off, you could not, like I would never in my like fuck Jeff Bezos. This is a man who 100% thinks that like having a stripper pole on like a yacht is like a really cool thing to have. And I feel really strongly that he has to die like because I'm

not going to marry him and I'm not going to fuck him. So he, I'm sorry, he has to go. And it's just good looking prospects now then. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to marry Musk because I think for kind of because I think he would be fun to berate. I think I mean, I don't actually. Like, I don't, you know, like he's talk also to always, like, thinks he's doing this really cool stuff and it's so cringe in a way. But I also used to have like, look, this, it's a long story. But I used to have kind of an obsession about him a long time ago before he kind of became full musk. And I read his autobiography and I was kind of like, I almost thought he was kind of hot for a moment because he's so fucking weird and he's so into rockets. Yeah, yeah.

And just like, this interesting kind of weird character with hair plugs and stuff. So I think it could kind of be, but I mean, obviously he's done a lot of like kind of despicable stuff, but I still feel that I could marry him and then I could, that feels okay, you know, I could deal with that. Zuck, I think also, sorry, go ahead. I probably shouldn't assume so, but there's also a very high chance that he'll leave you and you'll be set free pretty quickly. Not before he impregnates you though.

That seems to be his EMI. Baby number 10. Wife number four. I've heard there's a lot of. lot more than 10 and there's a lot of of NDAs going around so that might be something to take note of but I think he I think he wants to like I think

that's the thing he's like super pro people having kids because he thinks like the major threat of humanity is underpopulation so he like accepts everyone having his DNA yeah real real square chunk DNA going but that's yeah I'd marry him and we'd like we'd have a life together

for a while and then actually with Zuck I am kind of curious for the same reasons because he is like very Very slick, you know? Like, he's kind of, you know, you might be in bed with him and he would just, like, kind of slip away because he just has no hair. I don't think he has nipples. It's just like they're just tattooed on. Like, I would be, and he's really into martial arts also.

I find this like a weird, I don't know. I think it could be like an interesting experience, you know? Hearing you say the nipples are tatted on. I'm now imagining that he's drawn. He's drawn, like, he's drawn an ass crack. He's drawn a penis. on, he's drawn his own nipples off. Or just a birop pen.

He's like, this is it, right? It's kind of funny that the through line so far is Mark Zuckerberg is so deeply unfuckable. He is like a black hole of sexuality that I would be interested to have sex with him out of scientific curiosity.

I don't think it's that he's unfuckable. I think he's just, he's like a completely different creature. I think it's like, if you were a space explore and you showed up at a planet where all the creatures that exist there are like kind of sentient, or must be smart even to some degree but they're all just kind of like

slippery wet noodle people someone would be like maybe we can fuck like it's also great just even that's got me thinking like the guys who are going to be representing the guys who are sending themselves to space if they come across

extraterrestrials the representation that the human race is going to have it's not great fucking abysmal imagine if Zuck shows up and they're like this is what it's like all right joe your time has come fuck mary kill these three fine lads all right i'm on the same page as ben like musk he's smug enough if i fuck him or marry him he's just gonna get smugger and i can't have that i tell you what i reckon if if you fuck Elon musk his ego would explode so yeah he's he's dead i'm i'm gonna fuck suck

mainly because I think he'd probably have access to some prototype VR equipment. And then his smooth body is really just going to be a blank canvas for whatever you want to imagine, you know, once the goggles are on. So I think that might be quite fun. Like, yeah. And then as a surprise turn, I'm going to marry Jeff, the man I originally wanted to kill. I've heard divorcing him's quite profitable and I might just be able to like slowly niggle away like oh maybe the Amazon rainforest seems quite interesting

as a business opportunity or Jeff maybe pay your warehouse workers a bit more or hey Jeff I think we could train monkeys into teams of rainbow like I've got I think he Jeff himself a blank canvas I could mould him into the, maybe a good billionaire.

Joe, your personal politics sit as such a bizarre intersection of anti-environmentalism, but pro-union, which is not something you see often in the while. That's purely subcont, like, if that's what you think, maybe that's where I'm going, I don't know. I think it is. Okay, I'll look into that. You want to turn the Amazon Rainforest.

into a big factory, but then unionized the workers there. Who are monkeys? He wants to unionise the warehouse workers, people who are currently employed by Amazon. The most interesting thing is that you've got a bit of, I can change him energy floating about you. Well, I think if he's going for me, it's already changed a bit.

So if we could just carry that on, there's no question to where I can take him. I mean they're all well-reasoned answers they've all got me really excited to think of Zuckerberg's you know, naked form. Do you know what I'm thinking? What?

I'm thinking Ben is number one because he really like set the tone of just like Musk cannot be around. It's not tolerable for him to be alive for a moment longer than he needs to be. Which is what I add, the second time. Yeah, yeah, it's true.

There's a disdain for all of these guys, but there's a real undercurrent of like, stop bringing him up. Yeah. Like, as far as long as he's been, he's eliminated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not allowed to talk.

So I think that's, there's something about the confidence, the persistence that really appeals. So Ben's number one for me. John Patricia, it's quite hard, but I'm going to put Patricia at number two in my rankings on this. I think it was

well reasoned and eloquently described the possibility of having sex with Mark Zuckerberg a terrifying but scientifically fascinating endeavor. Yeah. I mean, look, I agree

and I did like Joe's description of his body as a blank canvas but I also can't get it out of my head and it makes me feel sick. The song, Your Body is a Wonderland. I started playing in my head when he said that. Your body is a canvas man. Pretty good.

So what do you think of that ranking? I can co-sign that. I'm happy with it. Ben, congratulations. You've won this round. And by my sort of on the back of my brain calculations, we're looking at a pretty neck-and-neck sort of race to the top here. The next round is word association.

Each of you have got 10 different words. And this is, do they use this in psychiatry? I don't think the good ones do. No. What do they use this in? It might have been one of those things they formerly used in, or it might be something that they use in Dolly magazine and then say this is how psychology works.

Exactly, yeah. It feels like something that a cartoon represents a therapist or a psychologist doing. But basically, each of you've got 10 words. I mean, this feels like probably the most sinister of all the rounds in that you're going to play word association and we're going to judge your responses, even though traditionally this is just a sort of free-form practice that is devoid of anything, any meaning.

That is not the case on our Killianair finale. And I believe everyone has now had a turn starting first. So we'll go back to our original order, which means that Patricia, you can go first. We've got 10 words ready for you. Tim, would you like to read the words? Yes. First?

Just your first response, whatever comes in. Patricia, are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. Your time will start in three, two, one. Money. Duck. Amazon.

Uh, packages. Rich. So unfunny. Millionaire. Bill. Gates. Fish. Pescitarian.

Poison. Murder plot. Space. Um, spaghetti alien. Oven. Killer. Cliptocracy. Um, don't know.

Shoes. Feet. Excellent. Okay, thank you. I'm building a psychological profile based on those answers. Now it will be Joe's turn. Guy, would you like to do the honours? Sure thing. Joe, you ready?

Yep. Technology. Future. Communism. Good. Oxygen. Needed. Neoliberalism.

Politics. Moon. Stars. Disaster? Oh, no. Zebra. Crossing. Hedge.

Cutters Limp Idenberg And Cayman Islands Tax Excellent Oh he's still going Very good work

All right It's very revealing What is it like to do From your end Certainly feels odd from Can I just say I've never felt more unfunny In my entire life

I forgot words It's weird association. This isn't about japs and goofs. This is about building a psychological profile based on what we know is in your head, revealed through this quiz. My personal favorite for Joe, disasters. Oh, no. Very good.

And finally, it's at Heidenberg for that one. Heidenberg. Ben here for Blimp. Are we go for Ben? Ben's ready, yes. Okay, here we go, Ben. Your time starts now, Jeffrey. Bezos.

Cancel culture. No. Television. No. Time. Sure. Velas. Nova.

Entertainment. Tonight. Red. Yes. Luxury. Apartment? Super yacht. No.

And your final word, water. Sure. More like a yes or no quiz. I've never seen someone approach. I've just like thumbs up. But it's fucking genius. It's probably why it's becoming an outdated form of psychology. Oh my God.

The system has been. been trumped. Yep. No? Yes. Oh man. I don't know whether to put you at the top or the bottom based on that. It's so hard.

I honestly think that that's top shelf behavior. Yeah, it's innovative. That's dictating terms. It's very good. Here's my rankings. It goes Ben, then it goes Joe, then it goes Patricia. No, it doesn't. Because Patricia had to go first, and I feel like there's something to that.

No, I'm still. You can't be rewarding for him. it in. It goes Ben, then it goes Joe, then it goes Patricia. Wow. You want to chalk it up? I co-sign it. Yeah, okay, great. I'm happy with that. You guys, this is actually

our Oh, it's so tight. Our final round. The scoring so tight. Do you want me to give the, if you give me one sec, I reckon I can give the scores. Okay. But I've got to do this so carefully. Yeah, you've got to be very delicate.

Yeah. So what I've been doing is a warning three points for the first place person in each round two points for the second place and one point for the third What has he come up with this stuff, eh? In the case of a tie which we had two second places generally speaking, in most competitions you go two third place sequels but I didn't know I went two second place You do two second place sequels

Do you? Yeah and then you skip third if there were four people and then you'd have a fourth. Sick, I crushed it. Okay, Ben carry the one No, there's no, we're not in double digits, I'm just goofing. Um... Okay, right now the scores as they stand, I'm pretty confident I've done the adding three and two and one to previous scores correctly.

In second place equal, both on eight points apiece, Joe and Patricia, and in first place right now by just one point on nine, Ben, as we go into this, the final round. That's very exciting. And this last round is you take as long as you need. it's it's theology and basically what we're going to ask each of you to do is articulate the imagined afterlife for whichever trillionaire

you have murdered so it can be what you think will happen it can be what you want to happen but basically actions have consequences once this person is eliminated what becomes to their spirit to their body either, neither, both. The question is open to your own interpretation.

And I suppose we'll start with Joe. Okay, so just as Claire's gibbon hands strangle the last life out of Jeff's body, he sees darkness, and then he opens his eyes, and he's in a small, quaint cottage. in the New York countryside, surrounded by books. Because it was always about books. He just wanted to read. He just wanted to read and be able to get a book wherever he was in the world. I know he can.

He hears a voice from outside calling his name. Jeffrey, steps outside and sees his not ex-wife, but still-wife. calling him over for a hug he goes over and they sit and they read and

they live happily oh wait why is he in heaven uh nah it's like he starts reading the books and there's no words and he's like oh shit

and then his wife looks at him he's like well what's wrong you didn't pay your workers enough didn't put the words in your books and he's distraught he goes back in the cottage he starts opening up all the books and there's not a word in any of them

and he realizes that he's now in his worst nightmare wow no books nothing just his wife who hates him and he can't divorce her now because it's forever and yeah and that's his that's his afterlife

oh my gosh I gotta say what an incredible pivot. Great pivot. Like, literally caught yourself mid-stride and really worked with what you'd given yourself. Thank you very much, Joe. And also, can I say it initially?

Yeah. Like, it was a real visceral sense of, you know, experience, I thought. The silence. Oh, yeah, in terms of picture painting. Yeah. Yeah, I felt like I was there. I thought it was, I thought the reason he was in heaven is there was a real generosity of, of spirit there, Joe, that even trillionaires in death are laid to rest eternally and can join the kingdom of heaven. But nope.

Then you remember, I go to a little cottage full of books with no words in them. And a disdain, like just a hateful wife. She, she really doesn't like him anymore, especially up here, or down. there they don't get along wherever they are i've never seen mackenzie talk but um she doesn't seem like someone i'd want mad at me she seems really cool probably based on the fact that she's given away lots of money i have a general rule that i would like for no one to be mad at me but you know i'm i'm nuts like that uh ben the floor is now yours please your pitch for theology All right, since I had a couple minutes to think there, I'm not going to do my original thought,

which was they're all reincarnated as people without money and have to work for their own companies upon their death. Just to see, that's too, that's not enough. I shall ignore it then. Struck from the record. They're going into some sort of afterlife, all of them. And I figure they should each kind of get the comeuppance that people who worked for them, you know, had to do. not their comeuppance is a lot of them directly cause death in one way or another. So like Elon Musk, every day, he wakes up.

He's in the passenger seat of a Tesla. It's getting into a crash. And the doors are locking and it's sitting on fire, which is a thing that happens all the time. So that's him, just eternally burning into Tesla. Bezos, it's just a loop of him working late night at that factory in somewhere in the Midwest of America during all those tornadoes and the wall just crush. him over and over again. I forget which Larry runs Oracle, but the big skyscraper...

I think it's Allison. That sounds right. Yeah, pages Google. Yes. And so Larry Ellison, the big building in San Francisco is the Oracle Tower. People joke that it looks like a butt plug. It doesn't.

But it's kind of, it's as phallic as any tower. But it is sinking slowly. So for his afterlife, he's just going to be underneath it as it slowly just crushes him. I think it's like six inches a year. So just enough to feel it, but not enough to, like, make it quick.

Zuck, I think his personal torment would just be looking at all of the data, the quantifiable data of how negatively his life has impacted people. I think that would be his personal hell. I think a lot of those guys wouldn't care about that. But I think he just getting charts and figures of how much he has ruined the planet would hurt his sort of robotic brain. I got nothing on Google's probably killed some people. And Bernard Arnold Arnold, he's got, I don't know, I'm sure one of the factories that makes the high fashion clothes that he does has had like a horrific fire and he's just in there. The other ones, they're not as bespoke, but all of them before are pretty unfortunate. And it sounds like eternal demise.

So it's how I've always thought about how since it's very personalized. Sort of a never-ending loop. I've always just thought it's really hot. Yeah, a bit toasty. I've never... You can't be mean to people, and you can't rob, and you can't covet people's wives, because it's a bit toasty after this.

You get a bit warm. Well, you can't sweat or off. Cover it your neighbor's oxen either. I've never thought of it as a bespoke thing. I'm just like, oh, we're all too hot, and none of us are happy to be here. But to you... Burning Tesla would be quite hot.

It would be quite hot. It would be really hot. imagine the feeling of the pressure of an entire building slowly descending on you would be kind of a hot feeling yeah yeah i think all this would you know this would make you flush with like frustration and agony everyone would still be running hot i'm very cross about this building on top of me i was more thinking about this like looking at cards but yeah like yeah i think being crushed by building you know it might be underselling it a little but it would be frustrating um uh patricia we're very excited to hear what you've got to say.

Yeah. Do you mind if I do like a little bit of theatre while I do this? Honestly, it's encouraged. Yeah. Okay, cool. So like imagine you're, okay, so I'm going to do with Elon Musk and you've just kind of like passed, right? And so the world darkens around you and like a figure emerges from the dark. And he goes, Elon.

Because I know it's theology. So I hope you guys have read Dante's Inferno because we're going to do that. Okay. I'm going to like, so just have paused for a second. For our podcast listeners, which is the majority of the audience, Patricia is currently donned in a makeshift hood and carrying a lit candle. Please continue. Thank you.

Yep. So we're going to go through the nine levels of hell. So I'm bringing him on the journey. And he's very, he feels very special. You know, he's like, yeah, of course, not very many people get to go on this path. And so we start descending through the echelons of the afterlife across the Elysian fields. And we pass through a place that is very dark and very ominous. It's going to, I'm not going to hold the candle.

And there's a lot of cardboard there. And he's like, what is this? What's all this cardboard? And everything is stained with blood. And he hears like a shuffling and Bezos emerges from underneath a kind of large contraption. So this is actually the previously described labyrinth of where Jeff is spending his eternity in hell. We spend a little time there. They chat.

They know each other from before. And they continue downwards to the many, many levels of hell. I don't know so much about the other millionaires per se. I guess Arnaud would be, I feel like he's fashion-related. So maybe also in a sweatshop with all his Chinese workers who earn nothing every day. But eventually we get to the sense. of hell, which is the ice circle, right? Where like Judas is and Lucifer. And when, whilst we enter it, you know, he's actually quite excited because he's like, well, I wonder what my personalized hell

will be, what loop I will exist in him forever. And as he enters it, he enters into a very cold, strange space that's like very immaterial and like you can't see your arms, just your hands. And it actually feels like you're in a kind of poorly animated video game from like 2004. and actually this is the metaverse so he finds that in this space

that he doesn't get to spend eternity in his own personalized hell his hell is actually Zucks hell

and he has to sit there forever to know that he didn't even get the inner circle of the last the last hellscape and he just has to live

in that fucking awful experience of trying to be like a wee character from 2000 and like I don't know seven forever

and he's got he's obviously he's got the context that others did get their own personalised hell yes I presume yeah because Jesus is in his like labyrinth which is

immediately like designed after his greatest desire box world that's what they wanted to call Amazon but it was already taken as like a domain name so they went with something else boxworld.com wow anyway

that's these are all this that was sensational Patricia I really obviously the theatrics were very impressive, but also there's something very, very rude about, you know, like showing him a few rooms on the way to his room and being like, oh, and you have to share this. And who was that, sorry again,

who was that billionaire who lost out in their own personalised one? That was Elon. Oh, that's so delicious. Yeah. So deserved. So we've got Elon with his non-personalized hell and the perspective that others did get that. We've got Elon in a never-ending Tesla that's burning on fire.

Zuck looking at charts. Bezos, where was Jeff? He was in a warehouse in the Midwest. We've got a man under the building. Yeah, they had a big wall fall. Yeah, they'd a wall collapsed during tornadoes. And then, of course, you've got the, you've got Bezos in a very picturesque cottage. And sort of, I feel like, you know, a,

a moment's perspective on what drove him to get to where he is to begin with, which was just a love of books and a desire for more people to read and sort of that lightning bolt of realization that has then taken away. I mean, these are all really beautiful. Yeah, and they're so unique. You know, it's actually quite fitting to begin and end with a poem as we have because there's a real poetry to all of your pictures for the afterlife. If there's one thing that we know is lacking in the world,

of hyper wealth at the moment. It's an appreciation for the humanities. So I like that it's been well on display in this finale of Killier-TV. That's right. I actually, I have a proposed ranking for this. I would like to hear it. It feels weighted because it's the last one,

but I'd like to tell you what I think. Go on. I think, I'm going to go reverse order, by the way. So I think Ben's proposed, outstanding but each person everyone was getting it direct it was more like

I felt like it was missing the second layer of like if you know of esoteric fuck you I was like it was born out of the moralistic like you know you must suffer through the thing that you have forced upon so many to make your life function

the way it does yeah but I feel like it's too it's direct and it's repeated and it's not to me the idea of living fraternity while grappling with something that was almost there and not quite is what is so appealing.

And that's what I think came through in Patricia and Joe's pitchers. I think Patricia's was beautiful. This for me is the second one. Yes. I like the sort of the bespoke hells that aren't available.

But do you know, honestly, and it's almost by virtue of making a mistake mid-pitch, but the way that Joe gave Jeff everything he wants and revealed his humanity to himself. And almost to all of us that said, hey, there's hope. There's a person in here. There's a person in here. And then to have that moment and then have it all taken away, the idea of this like room,

I'm just seeing all these books that he loved, like the covers of all the books that were his favorite books as a child and just nothing. Yeah. It's fucking devastating. I mean, he's already dead, but that would ruin a person. And he can't even, like, he can't leave. If he goes into another room, he's just going to get told off. Go read your books.

There's nothing in there. It's not my problem, Jeff. Go back. It does sound like hell now that you've brought it to life for me. So that's mine. I mean, I'm open to discussion obviously. No. No, I think it's where I was drifting anywhere, and you've articulated it so well.

well so I'm going to lock that in and I believe that that means that the winner of kill you near television is Joe wow Joe has won congratulations Joe and also it means we have two tied second places which was not planned at all but it means there's no loser here or there's two depending on how you look at it So, first of all, to our winner, Joe, congratulations. I will reveal as well, because I don't think we've locked it in, but you're going to be receiving a $500 US dollar Amazon gift card, and we're just before Black Friday,

so you could really fuck some shit up with that if you want. It's a fundraising project, if nothing else. My boy, Jeff. Did you guys buy that from Amazon? We will. We didn't get given it by Amazon. Kind of the opposite of the purpose of the entire podcast, you might say. You might say that.

You might say that. That's where the magic lies. Think about Amazon as though. It's so good. He's built a solid website. Everyone's fucking out. We've got to support one of these billionaires to get to a trillion dollars. Musk is going to be shortly out of the running completely.

Zuckerberg has entirely fucked his enterprise. We need to hitch our horses to a wagon. And that wagon is named Jeffrey Bezos. Driven by a mule on steroids. He thinks he can take his wagon to the sky. Joe's been backing him since day one. So it's very befitting. Joe, would you like to say anything as the winner of Killi Annair TV?

So well done to Ben and Patricia. Strong pictures, strong performance today. Thank you to the judges. And I'll send you the receipt for the flight to Brazil, I assume. We'll sort it that way. I'm ready to go as soon as you are. Just send the message and I'll... Great.

We'll figure out the particulars on that after the call. Ben, would you like to say any words of commiseration for missing out on winning? No, I mean, this was fun as hell, and I can't think of a better reason to have left work early. Yeah, I don't know. Good job, Joe. Good job, Patricia.

Fuck you, Tim and Guy. Yeah, as always. I really hope you don't get fired off the back of this because that had just broke my heart. And Patricia, how are you feeling with this outcome? Feeling really good. Congratulations, Joe. I felt that our animal-based plans were really, like, aligned,

so I have a lot of respect for you and also for Ben who made his own animal that's right yeah the greatest animal of all several billionaires strapped to one another and thank you to Tim and Guy this has been like I've listened to your podcast for probably seven years or something

more so it's really quite an honour to be on it you guys are all you're so funny you're so clever it was so much fun thank you so much for taking the time and mental resource to submit such outstanding plans. And thank you to everyone who's followed us on our Killianair journey. Yes.

Thus concludes this chapter of the worst idea of all time. It's been a lot of fun. And to think it all started with some silly plans of our own. That's right. I was actually thinking about that on the way over this morning. Years ago. This all started as basically a little improv exercise. We've been to Russia.

A lot has happened. But here we are now with our winner. of Kill You Near TV. Yeah. It's just been phenomenal. So thank you everybody for playing. And we can look forward to the next chapter of the worst idea of all time, which is season five?

Six. Six. I can't forget where we're up to. Starting incredibly soon. Vroom, vrum.