The Worst Idea Of All Time - Replay S01E53: The Worst Scripted Event of All Time

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

Please enjoy this victory lap of Season One episodes as we celebrate 10 years of The Worst Idea of All Time. New episodes posting on our Substack.WorkJuice Presents: The Worst Scripted Event of All TimeBen Acker and Ben Blacker, creators of the Thrilling Adventure Hour, teamed up with Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery, the creators/hosts of The Worst Idea of All Time podcast, in which the New Zealand-based comedians watched Grown Ups 2 every week for one year, to bring this one-of-a-kind live show to Los Angeles.After watching Grown Ups 2 for 50 weeks, Tim and Guy wrote their own version of the movie, with their own brain-addled commentary.Acker & Blacker produced this live read of that script starring The Thrilling Adventure Hour's WorkJuice Players Busy Philipps (Vice Principals) and Hal Lublin (We Got This), and TAH friends Kate Micucci (Garfunkel & Oates), Baron Vaughn (Grace & Frankie), Arden Myrin (MadTV), Mark McConville (Superego), Michael McMillian (True Blood), Jason Ritter (Parenthood), Humphrey Ker (Dymock Watson: Nazi Smasher), and Melanie Lynskey (Togetherness).Jordan Katz and the Elements of Style, featuring Eric Kufs, perform the opening and closing music.Are you in LA? Do you want to see the WorkJuice Players live? You're in luck! On Friday, April 22nd, at 10pm at Largo at the Coronet, WorkJuice Presents: Sparks Nevada's "I'm from Earth" Day Special starring Marc Evan Jackson, Paul F. Tompkins, the WJ Players, and very special guests. Get your tickets now:http://ticketf.ly/1UOlRcb Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Wow, wow, wow. I just listened to what you're about to listen to, which was a stage read, a table read on steroids in Hollywood in, I guess, 2015. I'm trying to remember what part of the year it happened. It doesn't matter. This was truly like the zenith. I think apart from doing the YouTube pilot,

getting that greenlit and made, this was the coolest thing that I think has happened in the 10 years of us doing the podcast. An incredible cast reading an insane script that we had made from memory of the film guy. And I, I remember at the time we were just trying to like kind of keep our cool with it because I think it would have been quite an easy situation to work out in a

little bit. Like we just started this really stupid idea podcast, you know, a year ago. And then suddenly we were in Los Angeles and had all these like superstar comedians reading out our script to a sold out audience. It was a good time, folks.

It was a good fucking time. It was so much fun. My one regret that it wasn't videoed somehow but that was less common back in the day our phones they were shitter um they flipped but not in the way like they do now in a way where it was it was just a telephone made by motorola that had a satisfying snap on it um but yeah this was this was so cool no words enjoy. No warnings, I don't think needed. It's a long one. Apologies that it's coming out a little bit later

than the rest of the season, but hey, I got a one month old, sue me. Enjoy this, the cherry on top of season one. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael McMillan, Busy Phillips, Jason Ritter, Baron Voigt, Melanie Linsky,

Kate Micucci, Arden Marin, Humphrey Carr, Mark McConville and Hal O'Bland. performers this is actually a note for you if you need to go to the bathroom at any point during this script just tag someone in with one of your characters what we're going to do right now folks is um establish who will be reading for what part. So, Hal, do you want to... Hello. Would you mind kicking off? We're going to go from left to right.

Hello. I'll be reading the roles of Keithy, Officer Flazoo, OJ, Charlotte, and Kyle. Good evening. I will be playing the parts of Higgins, Wiley, chilled-out teacher, Adam Sandler's wife, and grumpy nurse. Good evening.

Tonight I shall be giving my Sally, bully, lady on phone, and of course, Becky. Hello, I'm Michael and tonight I shall be playing

the parts of Greg, Kid Dynamite, Principal Tardio, Officer Dante, Dante, and YouTube Sensation. Yes. Yes.

Hello, I'm Arden. Thank you. Tonight, I will be Donna, Sherry, Nick Schwartzen, and Blonde Frat Guy, ladies. Hey, I'm Kate, and today I'm gonna be Deanne, and a ballet teacher, and Gretzky and Taylor, who I've been called as Taylor Lautner.

I don't know. Sweet. Hello, I'm Melanie. Thank you. I'm going to attempt, and I apologize in advance, Roxanne. I am also reading Mom, Malcolm, and I apologise in advance, Roxanne. I am also reading Mom, Malcolm and Patty Schwartz. I'm Baron Vaughn, hello.

I'm playing Kurt, the Chris Rock role. Typecasting. Tommy Cavanaugh, Bean, Dickie, and John Lovitz. Everything's fine. My name's Jason Ritter. I'm playing Eric Andre. That's Eric and Andre, not Eric Andre. And Postman and Dr. Dugan.

I'm Busy Phillips. I'm playing Lenny. And Brayden. And Braden. And Beefcake. Thank you all. And ladies and gentlemen, let us begin. Sweeping shot over a tree-lined suburbia. We're in Stanton, Connecticut, but it could be anywhere in the USA.

Interior shot of a master bedroom morning. Lenny Fader, Adam Sandler, and Roxanne Fader, Selma Hayek, are asleep in a huge bed surrounded by art and well-placed cans of Pepsi. Lenny is awoken by a big deer nibbling at a bowl of chips on the bedside table. Lenny tries to wake Roxanne. Sweetie, wake up. No, I'm asleep. Your mother is here from Mexico and she needs to leave now.

Lenny, go back to sleep. Go to the window and open it as wide as you can. Why don't you open it, you lazy... Roxanne is interrupted by the deer rearing up on its hind legs and urinating directly into Lenny's open mouth. Close your mouth! No time for that as the deer careens out of the bedroom into the hallway, racing past Becky, female, age nine and three quarters.

A deer. The deer continues. Now running past Keithy, male, early teens, enthusiastic young fella. No way! Can I ride it? The answer is no, as the deer crashes into the bathroom door. In the bathroom it disrupts Greg, male, mid-teens,

who is in the shower, presumably masturbating. The arrival of a deer breaks his spell. Roxanne has chased the deer down the hallway and sees her own teenage son with a full-grown stiffy in the shower. The deer turns, charging back past stiffy in the shower. Ah! The deer turns, charging back past Roxanne toward the staircase. Lenny and Keithy throw laundry at it, freezing the great ungulate.

The deer shakes off all the clothes save for a racy pink bra on one of its antlers. I left the front door open in case any animals wanted to come in. And one did. Yeah. One crazy ass one. No. to come in, and one did. Yeah, one crazy-ass one. No, no, no. You did a nice thing,

sweetie. Greg, I'm gonna need a bath. Daddy, no. I'm not gonna hit the deer. I'm just gonna massage its head with it a little bit. The deer runs into the kitchen, scaring off the family dog. For an adult deer sprinting around a house, it is causing suspiciously little bit. The deer runs into the kitchen, scaring off the family dog.

For an adult deer sprinting around a house, it is causing suspiciously little damage. The deer stops, transfixed by a plush red monkey Becky is clutching. Move the doll towards me. Now give it back to you. Now back to me.

Give me that thing. Mr. Gigglesworth? It's okay, sweetie. Roxanne, take the kids into the other room. Hey, dude, you like this guy? Now walk with me. Slowly. I said slowly. The deer chases Lenny out the front door. He hurls the monkey onto the lawn and the deer follows. A rotund postman standing out front narrowly leaps to safety,

throwing mail haphazardly in the air. The deer decimates Gigglesworth. It is a massacre. Problem solved. Mr. Gigglesworth, Daddy, he's killing him! A new problem begins. Is that your bra, Mrs. Fader? The postman looks for a high five from Lenny.

Ew. Easy. Lenny looks at Roxanne. He concedes his wife is a sexual object for the enjoyment of postmen everywhere. It is pretty nice though. The men high five. An appalling way to end an opening scene

and open a movie. Interior. Living room. Morning. Sally Lamonsoff, Maria Bello, is helping her son Sally Lamonsoff, Maria Bello Is helping her son Bean Lamonsoff Male, age 9 With his math homework

Sally holds up a card with a math problem on it 5 times 7 28 That's right again, smarty pants They're both wrong Eric Lamonsoff, Kevin James Walks into the kitchen with a cup of coffee and few fucks to give.

Hey, Bean, working on the math, huh? Mom says if I get all my math homework right, I'll get to ride my bike to school with Becky Fetter. Okay, Bean, what's seven times nine? 79. Is he a little boy or a computer? Because I can't figure it out. Don't destroy his confidence.

Donna, teen, female, walks in wearing ridiculous shoes with baubles and flashing LED LEDs on them. Happy summer, everybody! You sure you want to go with those boots, honey? I know you bedazzled them yourself. I'm just worried they might get you too much attention, you know, from outer space. It's the last... It's the last day of school

and Mom says I'm free to express myself. Ah, building the confidence right here with R2-D2. Confidence! Q-U-R-T-X-Y. Confidence. Well, we're not going to have to pay for college, that's for sure. Interior kitchen. Morning.

Kurt McKenzie, Chris Rock, walks into the kitchen to see his wife, Deanne, Maya Rudolph. Teen daughter, Charlotte. Teen son, Kurt. And youngest son, Ronnie. Hereupon known as Kid Dynamite. Think of Richard Pryor, age two. Kid Dynamite is shaking his butt with everyone watching in butt-themed amusement.

Go Ronnie! Go Ronnie! Go Ronnie! He looks like Nicki Minaj trying to shake her butt implants back into place. You got a busy day, honey? Nah, just one repair job. Very special.

Whoa, looks like a horse took a dump in Ronnie's diaper. You're going to need federal aid to clean that up. You going to change him? That's not my son. That's your son. Nah, yesterday was my diaper day. Today he's all yours, and it's going to get nasty. Ronnie, honey, did a doo-doo grenade

go off in your diaper? Deanne reaches her hand into Kid Dynamite's diaper. A bold approach to human feces. Within it, she finds a box which she opens

to reveal pearl jewelry. A necklace? Happy 25th anniversary, babe. Wow, dad. You remembered. Mom didn't. Wow, dad, you remembered. Mom didn't. Ooh, that's cold. Exterior, train station,

morning. Higgins, David Spade, is standing on the platform, talking on the phone and holding a teddy bear. Brayden needs to spend at least one summer with you so he can at least say he has a dad, you deadbeat Higgins. Okay, no offense, but I'm not even sure who I'm talking to.

I was visiting from Florida when in the middle of making out I got a really bad case of the hiccups. Hiccups McGee! No way! I have a kid I don't know about with hiccups McGee? Hey, no offense, but I'm gonna need to see a DNA test or something

to... Brayden Higgins appears. He's a late teen male dressed like his dad with identical hair and a buttload of crudely drawn tattoos and ballpoint. Clearly, this boy be a warlock. No need. Later, hicc be a warlock. No need. Later, hiccups.

Brayden produces a drawing of a stick figure wearing a hat. The stick figure is labeled him. You're him. Yeah, except without the hat. Higgin reaches out his hand to his son, the teddy bear. I got you this, if you want it.

But obviously you're like 17. Brayden pulls out a flick knife and cuts the head off the teddy bear. So obviously you should cut the head off it with a knife. Anyway, we got to get you off to school, buddy. No school, summertime. Yeah, I know, it's a drag. Usually I just let you know, let you blow it off and play hooky, but drag Usually I'd just let you know

Let you blow it off and play hooky But I promise I'd stay late at the soup kitchen But we'll hang out afterwards It'll be fun Believe it or not, that's the end of the scene Exterior Exterior driveway in front of the Fader mansion It's morning

Roxanne drives a tank-sized SUV While Lenny walks next to her carrying a shoebox Hey, don't forget this What is it, a gift? It's morning. Roxanne drives a tank-sized SUV while Lenny walks next to her carrying a shoebox. Hey, don't forget this. What is it, a gift? No, it's the Gigglesworth Massacre. I told Becky you could fix it. What? Martha Stewart couldn't fix this. But you're such a good daddy for picking up all the pieces.

That's why I've been thinking we moved here so we could have more quality time with our children. Right? How would you feel about expanding? What? Having another kid? Yeah! Oh, but it's perfect right now. When we order pizza, I get four slices, Greg gets two slices,

Keithy gets two, you and Becky get one. I don't two slices. Keithy gets two. You and Becky get one. I don't want to have to order another pie. Why? Why don't you... Sorry. Why don't you go on a diet, you fat gordoys? What's that?

You nailed it. Come on. It's the first time I haven't had a job since I was 16. I'm just enjoying the fun. And don't forget about Becky's ballet recital. I gotta go to that?

I mean, I get to go to that? I'm just saying, I thought it was sold out. That's great news. Roxanne drives towards her kids, who are by the front gate. And this car has got some real toe in it. She is hooning it out the gates. It's pretty dangerous, to be honest.

Have the best last day of school ever, to be honest. Have the best last day of school ever, my wonderful children. I love you all. Becky rides her bike in circles while Keithy and Greg just hang out like a couple of lads. Greg might be stoned. We'll make that decision on the day.

So, Greg, last day of school, last chance to ask out Nancy Arbuckle. Nancy Arbuckle? Who's that? You like a girl? Is that why you've been taking those long showers? Just conditioning my hair. That's all I do in the showers.

That's not what the deer told me. That deer is a liar! That's not what the deer told me. That deer is a liar. I heard too much conditioning can make you go blind. Where'd you hear that? Higgins. Ooh, I should kill him.

Besides, I'm too chicken to even talk to her. Hey, you're a feeder. Feeders ain't afraid of women, buddy. That's not the way I'm too chicken to even talk to her. Hey, you're a feeder. Feeders ain't afraid of women, buddy. That's not the way I'm raising ya. Hey, Dad, did you ask Mom if I can go to football practice? No, I was afraid she'd yell at me in that accent. No one understands. It should be noted that that accent is simply her native Spanish. Besides, Nancy Arbuckle is the hottest girl in school, and Greg is fugly.

So what is fugly? All the guys in our family are fugly. That doesn't stop us from getting the hot chicks. I mean, look at me and your mother. It makes no sense. Only in, like, a Hollywood movie. Singletons, listen up, because Adam Sandler knows how it goes. All you gotta do is follow my three-step program. One, make her smile.

Two, tell her she has a nice smile. Three, say she has to go out with you that night. Why that night? Because it'll give her friends less time to tell her how fugly you are because you are fugly. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Everyone's favorite idiot, Bean, comes cycling into frame.

Come on, Becky. It's 8.15. School starts at 8.30. That means we only have 25 minutes. Daddy, do you promise Mr. Gigglesworth will be better by bedtime? I promise. Have a safe ride to school. I love you.

And you read the road signs. Don't let Bean. Becky and Bean ride off, probably into respective Disney projects. Look at that. Riding their bikes to school. You couldn't do that in L.A. with all the nuts out there.

Yeah, thank God we don't have any crazy people out here. Cue a dramatic entrance by Nick fucking Swarstrick. A school bus screeches into frame before breaking heavily. The doors swing open. Hey, Nick. How's it going? You look a little rougher

than usual. My wife's leaving me. After three weeks. Three weeks? That's not bad for you. Yeah, she caught me eating a banana with my butt. Still, I shouldn't have done it at her mom's house. I've never seen this movie. But I did audition for it.

Three times What is up with you? You seem a little extra out of it today I met a very reliable doctor At a Cypress Hill concert And he floated me a couple of pills Just to feel better. But I don't feel better.

You feel worse! Exterior shot. Front of the McKenzie household. It's morning. The McKenzie family is standing out front waiting for the school bus, which appears with Lenny at the wheel. Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new bus driver. Lenny mimes playing a Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new bus driver.

Lenny mimes playing a clarinet like a fucking idiot. So you finally got yourself a job. Nah, I'm just filling in for Drulio Iglesias in the back. Nick is comatose and high schoolers are shoving Cheetos up his nose. It's pretty classic stuff. ADN, happy anniversary. Lenny remembered and I never got him pregnant.

Isn't that sweet? Kurt steps into the school bus for a confidential chat with Lenny. Oh, she forgot. I got the biggest get out of jail free card ever. I want one of those. Oh, you ain't never going to get one like this. Hey, sweetie, don't worry about forgetting the 20th.

I'm sure you'll remember the 30th. I love you. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Deep down. The bus door is closed, leaving Deanne and Kid Dynamite out on the front stoop. Kid Dynamite is jiggling his nappy, which is filling up with fecal matter.

That's not another necklace in there, is it? Nailed it. Interior shot. School bus. Morning. Lenny and Kurt are up at the front of the bus Gas bagging like a couple of high school teens I'm telling you, I'm gonna abuse the hell out of this get out of jail free card

Maybe I'll walk on the good rug without taking off my boots Or maybe I'll have a nice diet soda with dinner And not just one either, the whole damn picture So you're going full gangster But do you know what I'd really like to do? Throw a first night of summer party. You know? Something a little crazy.

It's been many, many years since we did something that crazy. There's only one problem, though. My house isn't big enough. But yours is. The last party I threw was senior year of high school. And it was the best We all hooked up with chicks

Now we all got wives and kids And high cholesterol Look, if you indeed want to come over for drinks That's fine, I think I have to ask my wife first The bus is now bristling with teenagers Doing teenage things Near the back is a bigistling with teenagers doing teenage things.

Near the back is a big boy with flowing blonde hair and he's bullying Donna. Hey, nice shoes. Where'd you get them? Losers are us. Hey, fuck you. I made them. You made them? In a toilet? Boom! Hey, leave her alone

The bully, being a bully, takes the opportunity to focus his bullying on Keithy The following may differ slightly from the actual movie dialogue What did you say? Hollywood? Leave her alone It isn't very nice to be mean to people Oh, yeah, I never really thought about it like that. Really? No, you little bitch!

Of course I had! I'm a bully! I am in this script to bully people. You can't talk me out of bullying in the opening act. It'll be a disaster! To be honest, I've seen the rest of the script, and it's not looking so shit-hot anyway. Hey, stop breaking the fourth wall!

I'm trying to pull you here. Lenny and Kurt notice Keithy is being bullied. That kid looks like white precious. The grown men giggle at the youngster's expense before Lenny starts straight Comedy Central roasting this bully on the bus PA. Straight Comedy Central roasting this bully on the bus PA. Excuse me, beanbag with arms and legs.

Take a seat or seats before somebody gets hurt. You're lucky your dad's here, but he won't be here all day. Keithy slumps into a seat, looking worried. Exterior, the front of a school. Morning. Kids exit the bus. Kurt and Lenny have rigged Nick up in the driver's seat with some ropes they presumably carry on their person at all times. The bully is the last off the bus.

Have a nice last day of school, Rapunzel. Enter Principal Tardio. Male, 50s, wears a too small shirt. He walks over from his car, which has been vandalized. And it's all spelled correctly. These can't be my students.

Hey, Principal Tardio. Can you believe this? The last day of school and my students, they turn into animals. Maybe they're just mad because you still shop at Baby Gap. Go to class. Go to class. Hey, how was your last ride in before the summer, Nick?

Nick is unconscious but sitting upright in the driver's seat. He's strung up like a marionette. Real Weekend at Bernie's-like. Now remember, today is only half a day. And half a shirt, right? What? Nothing. Nick's just trying to say goodbye.

Nick jerks around violently as Lenny and Kurt pull on the rope system. Principal Tardio has no time to notice because he's being bullied by his students. Hey, that's my laptop! That's not waterproof! Exterior, leafy suburban street, morning. Lenny drives the bus with Kurt in tow. They're watching Eric hug a strange lady. Look at this. It's ridiculous. It'll ruin his marriage.

Will you be stopping by to watch Days of Our Lives later? Well, we've got to find out which twin murdered Rinaldo, don't we? The two laugh and nod Okay, Mommy, bye now Eric walks down the front stoop towards the school bus Didn't Mommy make the boo-boo go away? Don't tell the wife What's with the bus?

Get in Eric boards the bus Kurt and Lenny have now suspended Nick from the's with the bus? Get in. Eric boards the bus. Kurt and Lenny have now suspended Nick from the ceiling of the bus. His head hangs dangerously close to the floor. Hi, Nick. Eric pulls a rope and Nick crashes down with the impact of his entire body

onto his neck, surely killing him. Let's hit it. Lenny accelerates wildly Oh sorry That's alright I mean that's fine After saying watch this

Lenny accelerates wildly Sending Nick's lifeless body sliding down the bus aisle His head smacks straight against the end wall He's definitely dead now These men have just straight up murdered a guy Eric and Lenny high five Kurt looks horrified You gotta respect that These men have just straight up murdered a guy. Eric and Lenny high five. Kurt looks horrified.

You gotta respect that. Interior. A high-end ladies' clothing store. Morning. Roxanne is in her store talking with her assistant. Business is dire. I'm going to be out of the store all day today. Is that all right?

No problem. No one will come in anyway. This is what I auditioned for. Three times! Three times! More and more barrettes got at it. Didn't get the part. I better do a good job right now.

Does Leonard ever talk about me? You're hired. Oh my god, thank you! Thank you! I can play movie unfuckable easy. Okay, does Leonard ever talk about me? You're hired. Oh my god, thank you! Thank you! I can play movie unfuckable easy. Okay, does Leonard ever talk about me? Who is Leonard? Oh, Lenny? He used to be my boyfriend.

This one time in recess, we shared a stick of chewing gum. He gave me this note. I felt weird having a secret with you. Do you prefer my hair in a barrette or a headband? That's what I wrote. Barrette. And that was his response.

Sherry points to a 30-something-year-old barrette and her 30-something-year-old hair. I think he still has feelings for me. I'm going to go work out now. You really think that a tight-tongued body will keep him away from his hubba-bubba baby? I hope so. Bye! You dismissed her with the wrong girl, chica! And interior, a run-down gym.

Late morning, the ladies of the town are arriving for a gym class. I know what Lenny's problem is. They're so cute when they're little. Diane walks in with Kid Dynamite on a leash. He is struggling against the leash as you'd expect any human being to do. Kid Dynamite walks up to a Swiss ball and clean pops it with his gnashes. You think that's

cute. Don't you growl at me. Beefcakes, female, 40s, muscle bound, enters. Kids don't belong in here. That leash better not trip me up. That leash ain't gonna trip you up. It's your big ass hairy man feet that are gonna

trip you up. Tough to side with Deanne on that one. Beefcake growls. She was just joking around us, sir. Cool it, you're going to get us killed. Beefcakes is justifiably upset. No time for that, though, because enter John Lovitz.

He's pushing a janitor's mop and bucket into a fully carpeted gym. Ahem. Good morning, ladies. Your instructor is running a little late, so he told me to run some warm-up exercises. But it's only five-two. Yeah, yeah, so I need everybody on their feet. Stand up.

Now shimmy. Shake the shoulders. The women comply, but are baffled as to why they must jiggle the bosoms in front of the janitor. Yeah, nice. Now faster, a little faster. Okay, not too fast. A little slower, a little slower. Yes, perfect. Now I

need everybody to turn around, face the back of the room, and touch your toes. Adam Sandler's wife, 40s, female, speaks up on behalf of women everywhere. Why do we have to turn? The following line is? The following line is... The following line is

delivered with the authority of the king of God, Zeus himself. If you please. Now bend over and take your left hand and slap it against the left cheek. Good. I want you to hear those slaps. Yes, wonderful. Wonderful. Enter gym teacher Kyle,

Kate Hudson's brother. Good morning ladies. So you started without me? Yes, like you asked me to. Say, it's true even if it isn't. Ewww. That's gross. You loved it. You loved it!

Kid Dynamite bites John Lovitz on the ankle. John Lovitz screams and exits. You're all prostitutes. Alright, good morning ladies and welcome to Squat Fitness 101. I wish I didn't have to call it that, but that's what they told me to say. Now, before we get started, for real, any questions? Are you single? Yes.

Sally has her hand up as though she has a question. any questions? Are you single? Yes. Sally has her hand up as though she has a question. I'm I'm sorry I forgot you're so gorgeous I just I have a very important question and it's a two-parter.

The first part is did a scientist make you in a lab? And the second part is can I stick my tongue down your throat? Look most of you are married

and I happen to be gay. The woman quickly turn on Kyle, akin to the witch trials of old. They throw homophobic slurs. Kid Dynamite ruffles

through Beefcake's bag meanwhile, finding a jockstrap and holds it aloft. Why does she have this? That's not a jockstrap. That's a g-string. Deanna rocks and laughs in a mean-spirited way Another scene in the can

Exterior Kmart storefront Late morning The opening chords of Werewolves of London play The grown-ups walk through a Kmart infomercial Nick removes his clothes and climbs into a comfortable-looking bed The others continue, looking for great Kmart products to give them fulfilment They find a Kmart employee, Malcolm, to Meadows

Hey Malcolm, I didn't know you worked at Kmart And apparently the hair on top of your head didn't know it either. What? Hey, next time you should use that Chia Pet stuff on your whole head. What? Hey, Malcolm, can I use the top of your head for a second? I think I've got something stuck in my teeth. What?

Yes. Lenny notices Higgins fucking around in the weapons section. Over by the crossbows in the semi-automatics. What's Higgins doing with OJ's knife right now? Higgins is talking to himself while brandishing a massive blade.

You think you're tough? Hey, crocodile dumdy. How'd it go with the kid? Uh, he's in school. You put him in school for one day? He's a thug, Lenny. He cut the head off a teddy bear. Imagine what he's gonna do to me. So you're gonna buy this knife to cut his head off?

Kmart employee... Oh, shit, I'm so excitable. No. I just want him to think I'll cut his head off so he won't cut my head off. Now Kmart employee OJ, male, 40s, cross-eyed, and familiar to Sandler fans everywhere, pipes up with the tombra of a chainsaw burrowing into dirt. You want to cause harm to a relative

without causing permanent injury. May I recommend this? OJ produces a can of pepper spray and sprays his own eyeballs. Ah! Elsewhere in Kmart, Malcolm and Kurt shoot the shit. So, my

son told me he's gonna ask your daughter on a date. Charlotte's never been on a date before, and she sure as hell isn't gonna start with some kid named Bump D. He's the only black kid in her class. What, you'd rather she date a white kid? Yeah, Farrakhan, I'd rather she dated the whitest white kid

before your little bald-headed boy. Okay, but don't worry, because I already gave him the talk. What talk? You know, chicks. I told him how he used to roll with the ladies in high school. You know, beep beep. Malcolm air-tweaks nipples. Then opens his mouth and flails

his tongue about. Is that happening? Yeah. Yeah, great. Kurt strangles Malcolm. What? Cut to exercise part of Kmart. Eric eats a pretzel. Lenny rides an exercise. OJ and Higgins are at a fake campsite.

I gotta get some pepper spray for my kids. This big dumb idiot on the bus won't stop abusing him. Hey, remember when Tommy Cavanaugh moved here from Texas? He non-stop abused you and you did nothing about it? Tommy Cavanaugh? That guy was a roid freak. He had back zits on his back zits. Besides, we were just messing around.

If it was serious, I swear to God, I would have knocked him out. Hey, isn't that Kavanaugh right there? Where? In a panic, Lenny flips over the handlebars of the exercycle, injuring himself and landing on the floor. Meanwhile, two extras walk through the bag of shot twice in a row, providing the first... Providing the first

significant continuity error of the film. Okay, now, you weren't exactly Captain Courageous back in high school. I never backed out of a fight,

though. Yeah, but did you ever jump off Suicide 35 at the quarry? Oh, that's right. You always made up some lame excuse. Oh, I can't. I'm on my period. It'll attract sharks. Suicide 35. Off the top rock, 35 feet above the water.

My mom did that jump when she was pregnant with me. Cut to Nick Swartzen carefully inspecting the inflatables in Kmart. He spies a box with a picture of a raft. There's a raft in there? Nick pulls a loose cord on a box and is blown back by a giant and instantly inflatable watercraft.

Nick is killed again. Interior shot of a school classroom. It's late morning. Chilled out teacher is running a classroom of students who have all had their textbooks out even though it's the last day of school. Alright little birds. Find your nests man.

Now usually we don't have this exciting news this late in the term but we have a new student. Brayden Higgins is here from Florida. Hey, Brayden, why don't you go cop a squat? Brayden the warlock walks in the opposite direction. Or go that way, man.

Find your own path. Brayden is finding his own path. Brayden is a warlock. Brayden walks to a table with a nerd sitting at it. The nerd offers his wallet. No, I sit here. Is your dad Marcus Higgins? That guy's the funniest.

I've known him since I was a kid. Great, great man. I want to smash his face. Screw him. I hate that guy. End. Exterior shot of Kmart storefront It's now late morning

The grown-ups are walking out of Kmart Carrying a variety of items Which they will no doubt get excellent longevity out of Kmart really does provide only the finest products At the most competitive prices Hold on, hold on I think I've got a burp snark coming The men freeze in anticipation of this hilarious gag from Eric.

He burps, sneezes, and farts in one semi-fluid motion. Do it. You gotta teach me how to do that. Burp snort is simple. You start with a burp, you sniff for a sneeze, get that going, and then that triggers

a fart always. Officer Flazou, played by Shaquille O'Neal, interrupts proceedings. Alright, what's up with the school bus? I can explain that. Flazu draws a handgun.

Put your hands in the air. Flazu cocks the gun. It is definitely loaded. And wave them like you just don't care. Say ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh. Say ooh-ooh ooh Say ooh ooh Ooh ooh How are you having a party tonight, Lenny?

What? I'm not having a party tonight Where'd you hear that? Kurt shrugs his shoulders guiltily Because remember that party was his idea Back on the bus, right? Officer Dante, played by Peter Dante, imaginative, bursts out of the cop car and comes in piping hot. He's a cop, he hears everything.

Oh, look everybody, it's Magnum P.U. I still can't believe they made you a cop after all the sick stuff you pulled. The Peter Dante who stole your parents' snowmobile and sold it to purchase crack cocaine is dead, Miranda. I mean, Fader. This side of the law is way better. To serve and protect, gotta love it. Oh no, the recital starts in five minutes. We'll never make it on time. The ballet recital at Madonna Elementary School? Can we come? Why?

Trust me, everybody's gonna be there. We've only got five minutes. We'll never make it in time. Oh, you'll make it on time because we're gonna give you a five-star presidential police escort. Isn't that against the law? I am the law! Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a Grown Ups 2 Power Play,

brought to you by Kmart. Kmart is quality with a capital K. The following scenes were cut for time. Number one, a ballet recital featuring the men and John Lovitz ogling the ballet teacher Featuring Tim Meadows' best line of the... Wait, what? Featuring you, Tim

Oh, featuring my favourite line of the film I'm having a wonderful time The second scene cut for time The introduction of Lenny's old high school bully played by Stone Cold Steve Austin. And the third is seen at an ice cream store in which Colin Quinn, character named Dickie, remember that,

appears to shit all over an ice cream machine. It's bloody good, but it had to go. Now we're in an exterior shot. It's establishing of Stanton High School. Hashtag Puritan power. Go Puritans! It's afternoon. Principal's establishing of Stanton High School. Hashtag Puritan power. Go Puritans! It's afternoon. Principal Tardio speaks over the PA. Meanwhile, in a classroom, Greg is sitting with his crush,

Nancy Arbuckle, female, 16, attractive by traditional Hollywood standards. And so, we arrive at the end of another school year filled with growth, learning, and hopefully, a little bit of fun. Principal Tardio finds something in his belly button. Oh.

Fruit loop? He eats the fruit loop. But education is not set on some fixed schedule. The school bell rings. Kids erupt. Please, please return to your seats. Two classic pranksters are perched above Principal Tardio in the ceiling. They hold a bucket of blue paint and pour it all over him.

Oh, damn you. Every year you do this to me. And this is my favorite shirt from when I was 12. Cut to the school hallway. Donna and Charlotte see each other across the hall. How's it going, sophomore? Not bad, sophomore. Lovely stuff. Meanwhile,

Keithy sees the bus bully making his way down the hall. Keithy turns his body into a rigid shape pretending to be a statue. This kid is a moron. The bully immediately sees through the ruse. Oh, hey, wait a minute. You're not a statue. You're an ass-chew.

Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton All Access Membership Separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. That didn't even make any sense.

Shut up! The bully knocks all Keithy's books out of his hands. What? What? What? Nothing. What? Nothing. Nothing! Insane. Exterior.

Friend of high school. Afternoon. Greg, Andre and Brayden are standing together. Somehow those first two nerds have befriended a warlock. How are you getting home? Well, my dad said he's got to stay late at the soup kitchen, so it's all me. You can come ride the bus with us if you want. Nah, why don't we do something fun?

Why don't we do something we're not supposed to do? Exterior. A fence blocking a walkway. It says keep out. Afternoon. Brayden, Andre, and walkway. It says keep out. Afternoon. Braden, Andre and Greg are walking down a gravel road towards the gate. Keep out? That just makes me want to not keep out. Verbasim. Braden leads Greg and Kurt through the fence

into the forbidden land. Exterior. A large cliff face above water. Afternoon. Our dads used to come here when they were kids. They claimed to be all squeaky clean, but I reckon they were nuts. It's a flat boy party. The cameraman becomes incredibly excited

by the change of tack the movie has found and starts shooting a hip-hop video. College kids, we better go. No go. Stay. The warlock disrobes and Ford flips into a dive from a 35-foot drop. He's nuts. Let's get out of here.

Greg and Andre start making their way back from the quarry when Wayne Gretzky's very sober daughter shows up carrying a six pack pretending to be very drunk. She is the daughter of a legendary ice hockey player, not an actor. Hey, where are you guys going? Join the party.

Who are you guys? Who are you guys? We're seniors. We became seniors like 20 minutes ago. College seniors, not high school seniors. Wait a minute. I know you. You're Scully and you're Boomer.

Here, take one of these. She hands the nerds a beer each and gives them a hug. I love you guys so much. I love you too. I love you more. Woo, body shots. The guys watch her unconvincingly stumble towards the party. No go, stay. Okay, but what are we going to do about these?

If we don't drink them, they'll be on to us. I don't know if I'm ready for beer yet. We'll pretend to urinate and pour them out. This isn't exactly what Andre says, but you get the gist of it. The best shot of the movie follows. Brayden lying on an inflatable wearing sunglasses barrels the shit out of the camera.

Summertime! Mystery scene. Guy and Tim couldn't remember what happens here and in the interest of time we decided not to try and remember it So now we're in an exterior shot Of a treed area in front of the quarry It's afternoon It's been a lifelong shame

But you're finally gonna do suicide 35 It's a big day Yeah what are you afraid of You're the rope from the tree Triple back flip bird crush guy No one has any idea what Kurt is talking about Everyone ignores him They emerge from the trees and arrive at a clearing

The thing is this though I just ate What? What did you just eat? I had chicken chow mein When did you eat? We were with you the whole time. Yeah, you didn't see.

They had it at Kmart. It is good there. Get out of here. Lenny sees the college party taking place across the quarry. What do I see here? Look at this. Hot chicks. Beers on ice.

This is how we used to do it. This is how I still do it, buddy. Into X-Wolf, Werewolf, come frat boy Taylor, played by Taylor Lautner. Well, you should stop. This is Kappa Delta Sigma Theta Pi property. We couldn't remember the frat name. The rest of the frat boys consist of Paddy, 20s, son of Arnie,

an absolute legend on the LA party scene. Joining him, blonde frat guy, 30s, with a real Van Wilder vibe. And YouTube sensation, 20 20s in this movie for the internet generation Listen we've been swimming at the quarry since we were 8 years old so you can

calm down there a bit Abercrombie I'm sure it was the bomb back in the day cranking your Al Jolson tunes on your transistor radio. But this is the 21st century, and Thicky Thick and Flabby Bunch should never take their shirts off again. Well, I guess I'm Thicky Thick. Yeah, well, I don't really enjoy being in the Flabby Bunch.

I haven't seen this many arrogant white kids since Eminem played Duke. Oh, yeah? Well, at least we aren't stuck in some lame-ass town hanging up drywall for a living. First of all, I own pretty much the greatest auto body parts shop in town. Mackenzie here works for the cable company. Free cable for life! And Higgins, well, he works part-time down at the go-tart track. Go-cart track.

What? Oh, so he was high balling you with the drywall? The blonde frat guy and Taylor do an elaborate handshake to celebrate the burns. It takes about 30 seconds. And to be honest

it's actually a pretty good gag The grown-ups patiently wait for the handshake to end. Paddy stands in the background but is unmissable He is now acting at maximum capacity with his entire face and body. Nice handshake.

We got one too. It goes like this. Eric and Kurt shake hands normally. Pleasure to meet you. And also you, sir. Look, he's just got to jump off of that cliff and then we're out of here. Oh, I can't permit it. I can't permit it.

He can't permit it. You guys have ruined our celebrations by being here. Look at my hands. They're shaking. I'm so mad. Petty is very excited. He's about to get a line. Yeah, my brother's shaking.

Petty has nailed his line. Taylor starts doing backflips. I can take this guy. I just need to warm up first. Hold on. This guy's doing 11 backflips for some unknown reason. Look, we can't afford to do this. We've got kids Then he addresses this to Tyler and the frat boys

Hey, look, guys, guys We'll just come back another time You will come back never Dude, why are you acting so crazy? Oh, did Betty White just call you crazy? Did he just call you Betty White? That's pretty funny Looks like we got a situation Just call you crazy. Did he just call you Betty White? That's pretty funny.

Looks like we got a situation. Taylor wolf whistles and many frat boys suddenly appear whooping and cheering. Okay. You know what? You're obviously having a party, so we'll just be on our way. The men go to leave, but the frat boys stop them. Not that way. What, is there an escalator? That way.

Taylor and the 100 frat boys all point in different directions. This is a mistake. They should all be pointing at Suicide 35's cliff, but movies are hard to make. You're going to make us do the plunge? Naked Assholes The nude grown-ups begrudgingly take turns to jump off Suicide 35 With their penises tastefully left out of shot Thanks to a very skilled DOP

Upon landing, the men are treading water, upset and naked I can't believe nobody's scared of a black guy anymore. Damn you, Obama. End scene. The gate in front of the pathway from before, afternoon. The four men walk back to their transport, dejected. What are you, made of rocks, dude? Hey, feel that right there.

Lenny forces Higgins and Eric's hands on his nipples. Those are my balls. They went right up there. Stop it, I'm getting turned on. Eric notices a torn off teddy bear head atop the car's antenna. What's this? These kids

won't stop abusing us! Damn you! This wasn't frat kids. It was my son. Satan. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a Grown Ups 2 Power Play, brought to you by Blaze Pizza. For the tastiest fast-fired pizza with hashtag

artisanalalingredients hand-delivered by the party schwarzenegger, choose Blaze Pizza. The following scenes were cut for time. Number one, Higgins rolling through town in a gigantic tyre. There's no dialogue, it's fine. Number two, Lenny sharing a tender moment teaching Keithy to play football shortly before breaking his leg.

And number three, the frat boys returning to their frat house to discover it has been frat trashed. Blaze Pizza! Now, interior shot of a doctor's office. It's daytime. Lenny and Roxanne stand next to a bedridden Keithy whose leg is in a cast. They are joined by Dr. Dugan, 50s, male, played by the film's director

and grumpy nurse, early 40s, grumpy. Dr. Dugan, 50s male, played by the film's director, and grumpy nurse, early 40s grumpy. Dr. Dugan pins an x-ray of Keithy's obviously broken leg to a light board. So it's just a hairline fracture then? No, no, it's a clean break. But is it broken broken or just kind of broken?

The leg is broken. I'm afraid he's going to have to be wearing that cast all summer. What was once one bone is now two half bones. Thank you, nurse. Now if you'll excuse me, I haven't slept in 68 hours. So you're saying you're a little loopy from the lack of sleep and that... that isn't my son's leg up there. That's a piece of celery you snapped, right?

Lenny, the leg is broken. It's Chapozzardo. It's DeRota. Doctor? Doctor? Oh, boy. Is there anything you can do about my wife? Oh, boy. Is there anything you can do about my wife?

I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist. So you're saying my wife is crazy? No, no, it was a joke. Lenny, you lied to me, and now you're going to pay for it. Doctor, don't you wish there was a cure for anger? There is. It's called Jack Daniels. Ah.

Another one of your jokes. I wish. Dr. Dugan, played by the film's director Dennis Dugan, produces a hip flask and takes a deep sip in what might be a thinly veiled Metacry for help from the man himself.

It's time for another Grown Ups 2 Power Play. Brought to you by Grown Ups 3D, an exciting new chapter in the Grown Ups 3D, an exciting new chapter in the Grown Ups canon. The following scenes were cut for time. One, Andre McKenzie passing

his driving test with Steve Buscemi, aka Wiley, and the birth of the Steve Buscemi Mystery Tour. Two, Eric and Sally having a frank emotional discussion about their crumbling marriage before getting a car wash from the cast of SNL. Three.

Word miraculously spreading across the entire town that there will be an 80s-themed party at the Fader House tonight. Interior, supermarket, night. Lenny pushes a trolley with Becky and as much product placement as humanly possible. I used to buy cases of beer for my parties. Now I'm just buying cases of juice boxes.

Kyle, the fitness guy, appears with a trolley full of good-looking, healthy food because he's a good-looking, healthy guy. Hey, Beckstar. Hey, Stud Muffin.

Mommy calls him Stud Muffin, so I call him Stud Muffin. Is that right? Hey, you must be Roxanne's husband. I'm Kyle. Oh, yeah, and how exactly do you know my wife again there, mud-stuffing?

Ignoring the homophobic nature of the slur, the spoonerism is one of the cleverest gags of the film. Oh, I worked her out this morning. Yeah, well, I worked her out this morning, too. Pretty good, actually. Okay. Enter.

Hi. What's up? This is awkward. I'm here with my husband. I'm sorry. Why is that awkward? Sherry points at the 30 year old barrette In her hair

You have brain damage? Sherry laughs nervously Thusly And her husband Wiley A.K.A. Busimia Appears carrying a jar of mayonnaise He's presumably just finished fingering Hey honey Hello Lenny Hey Wiley presumably just finished fingering.

Hey, honey. Hello, Lenny. Hey, Wiley. How'd Andre McKenzie go on his test today? He squeaked by. We definitely didn't check out any soapy cheerleaders. What's going on with you and my wife? I gotta go.

In fact, why don't we all go our separate ways? I don't see any of these conversations working out for me. Wiley, I will see you at the party later. Yeah, party tonight. Eddie style. Rocky 3. Wiley starts earboxing. Sherry slips a note

into Lenny's hand. I'll bring the hubba bubba. Roxanne reappears as everyone disperses. What did that note say? That was really good. I think it sounded just like her. Thanks, Susie. You're welcome.

It says beets, mayonnaise, zucchinis. The other side. He turns it over. Meet me by your mailbox at 11 Why would I meet her by the mailbox at 11? Roxanne snatches the note from Lenny and eats it She leaves with sass

Do you have any idea what just happened? Not a clue That's it Interior Foyer of the fader household Nighttime happened? Not a clue. That's it. Interior. Foyer of the fader household. Nighttime. When was the 80s? That was way back in the 1900s.

We learned about it in school. The phones had these long curly things on them and you actually had to watch commercials. It was whack. Isn't that right, Bowser? Someone dressed up the fucking dog for this shindig. Unbelievable. Lenny appears in blue jeans and a white tee.

He has a red cap in his back pocket. Hey, Dad, how come we have to wear costumes and you don't? Lenny puts the cap on. Bruce Springsteen, born in the USA. Who's Bruce Springsteen? You don't know who Bruce Springsteen is? I stink as a parent. You do not stink as a parent.

That's why I don't understand why... Why I don't want a baby is because I don't want one! Can we move on from that? Roxanne starts crying and leaves. Pretty fair given her husband's outburst. End. Because why not?

Exterior. Balcony outside the master bedroom at the Fader house. Nighttime. Roxanne is drying her eyes on this lovely balcony. It might be Roxanne or it might be Selma Hayek. Breaking character as she realises what a poor career choice she has made. I'm sorry

I yelled, honey. In front of the children. I'm sorry but you keep saying you want another kid Why don't we just adopt a 20 year old or something That way we could make some money off them I'm just trying to understand

I mean are you going through a hormone thing? Menopause? What? Are you not old enough for that or something? I'm sorry. Well, I have been going through kind of a hormone thing. Good. We can get pills for that.

I'm pregnant. The doorbell rings. Good. We can get pills for that. I'm pregnant. The doorbell rings. Our guests are here. Exterior shot of the backyard. It's the Fader household. Nighttime. We're in one corner of the palatial Fader backyard. The yard has dope-ass lights everywhere and looks set for the party of the decade. Lenny, Laminsov, Higgins and Kurt, a. and Kurt, aka the grown-ups, are all seated on outdoor furniture.

All of them dressed elaborately as 1980s icons, except Lenny in his shitty Springsteen cop-out costume. What are you supposed to be? A meatloaf. Your meatloaf or your maid of meatloaf? Ha ha! Who are you supposed to be, Doug Henning? I'm Oates.

Oh yeah? Where's Hall? He's having a playdate with your kids. In the backyard, Braden is spinning around in circles with Bean and Becky in his grip. They are screaming in fear. I can't believe I have to drink juice at my own party because we got all these kids running around. Which one of you guys has even been to a party in the last six months? Higgins shoots his hand up in the air. Kurt whoops loudly.

A party without a bouncy castle. Kurt puts his hand down and whoops sadly. A party you were actually invited to? Higgins puts his hand down. Face it, fellas. The party's over. We're irrelevant. I mean,

you saw how those frat guys treated us. Lamansoff's completely surrendered. He's wearing a fanny pack, for God's sake. First of all, it's a sir fanny pack, a survival fanny pack, and it has many special features. Oh, yeah. Like if I pull this triangle, a lasagna pops out.

Ha, ha, ha. Why don't you try it? You got it. I'll pull the string. Lenny pulls the string, and an instantly inflating raft erupts out of the fanny pack, throwing everyone but Eric ten yards. Like a raft out of the fanny pack, throwing everyone but Eric ten yards! Like a raft out of hell! Eric mounts a nearby coffee table, victorious. Hands on hips, he bellows at his injured friends.

Don't ever say the party's over! The coffee table breaks under the weight of an over-employed Kevin James, and the legs all snap simultaneously, dropping him by three feet. It's a visual depiction of his lowered status, you goons. That didn't happen. Good one.

As if by magic, the party is now full of people and totally happening. Officers Flazu and Dante and Dr. Dugan dressed impressively as Billy Idol and Lenny are playing quarters and Dante nails a coin bounce right into Flazu's bear and Dr. Dugan, dressed impressively as Billy Idol and Lenny, are playing quarters. And Dante nails a coin bounce right into Flazu's bear. Buckle up, partner.

Flazu downs the drink in one. Roxanne approaches the table with Becky by her side. Quick, secret table. Lenny presses a button which splits the bear-laden table surface into two. It mechanically disappears downwards and is simultaneously replaced by a nice tabletop surface with cupcakes and non-alcoholic beverages. Hey, honey. Becky's tired and she wants her daddy to put her to bed. Oh, well, I'm just enjoying some refreshing punch. Couldn't you put her to bed? You wouldn't want to drink too much punch with all these kids running around.

I think I'd be okay. Actually, you wouldn't. Lenny concedes, steps up from the table and high-fives Flazoo. I'll be right back. That's a promise. He lifts Becky into his arms. Roxanne takes the vacant seat and pushes the table button, flipping it back into bear mode,

before bouncing a quarter immediately into Flazoo's bear. As easy as making a free throw. Because he's Shaq. Flazoo looks desp. As easy as making a free throw. Because he's Shaq. Flazoo looks despondent, as if someone was meta-referencing Shaquille O'Neal's terrible free throw record in his NBA career.

No time to dwell on that, though, because now it's an interior of Becky's room. Lenny is tucking Becky in. He grabs a nearby bottle of cough syrup in a hasty attempt to drug his... His what? Daughter. Oh, daughter.

Okay, we've got a typo there. To drug his daughter so he can return to drinking booze with his friends like an arsehole Daddy no You don't want one slug? I thought you liked this stuff. Eric Lammensop's voice can be heard in Becky's room coming from outside of the party over the PA system

Hey look who's here it's some of Lenny's friends from the old Jay Giles Band. You got it. A spirited live version of Jay Giles Band's soul hit, Centrifold, starts playing loudly. Lenny looks absolutely gutted to be missing it. Daddy, tell me

a story. What? You're not sleepy anymore? Okay. Once there was a claw. Lenny makes a claw shape with his hand. And it face-raked the child. there was a claw. Lenny makes a claw shape with his hand. And it face-raked the child. There was a K. Raked. Lenny runs his hand claw over Becky's

face vigorously. The last thing you'd expect a child to be placated into sleep by. Daddy, I can't get to sleep without Mr. Gigglesworth. Mr. Gigglesworth is just resting, sweetheart. But I can't get to sleep without Mr. Gigglesworth Mr. Gigglesworth is just resting, sweetheart But I can't sleep without him, please, daddy He's had a very rough day

But I'll get him for you End scene, because fucking why not Interior of the Fader kitchen now It's night time Nick Swartzen is dressed perfectly as Boy George Kyla's dressed as Indiana Jones And Lenny enters Why are you naked?

Global warming. Where's Gigglesworth? Oh, you looking for this? Kyle produces an immaculate looking red toy monkey from a box. What happened? Why does he look so good? I sewed him. You sewed him?

You know how to sew? Well, yeah, I learned at gay camp. This is in the movie. We did not write this bit. You went to gay camp? You're gay? No, I mean, I am gay, but there's no such thing as gay camp, man.

It was a joke. My dad was a tailor. He taught me how to sew when I was Becky's age. This is great! You're not sleeping with my wife, giggles is fixed, and you've got a pee stain. Nick Swartzen looks at his pee stain.

That is not mine. The conversation between Nick and Kyle continues. I can start a relationship with a woman, but I just can't sustain it. It's like there's a distance there and I can try to fill it up pharmaceutically or with dino nuggets. But nothing works.

See, you get it. Because I heard you're sensitive. or with dino nuggets. But nothing works. See? You get it. Because I heard you're sensitive to men. Nick snaps at Nick snaps his crazed yelly discussion

with himself. God, he's hot. Zip it! He'll find out our secret! End. Exterior. The eye of the party.

Nighttime. The party's in full swing, and Greg and Dickie emerge from around a corner. I'll give your dad one thing. He sure can throw a party. This is my dad's party? A sweeping shot of the rager quickly distracts the audience

from the fact that Greg has forgotten both where he lives and what his house looks like. both where he lives and what his house looks like. Shortly after, Greg trips over a power cord, disconnecting the sound system the band is playing through. Charlotte, who has been singing along to the band loudly, is now caught unawares and is singing solo. Time stands still as her angelic voice fills the backyard.

Came into my heart, boy. Still can't believe that all that butter love, it stings like a bee. Charlotte opens her eyes to see everyone is suddenly looking at her. You can applaud that. The crowd erupts in applause. Yes. Charlotte, that was incredible. Where'd you learn to sing like that? No place.

I just sing a little in the shower. Insane. Cut to Tommy Cavanaugh and the ballet teacher, whose scene we deleted, hanging out at a party when Lenny spies his old bully. Hey, who invited you? Your beautiful wife does.

Well, she invited her and naturally I assumed there was a plus one. Okay. Well, great. Terminator outfit and you with the Robert Palmer thing you got going on. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Nice babble.

Cavanaugh is dressed as the Terminator, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin. Bang on. He throws his beer cup onto the ground without a care in the world and faces away from Lenny. Lenny looks over to his kid, Keithy, who is being accosted by the bus bully. The bully is jamming a crutch into Keithy's side.

Yo, does that hurt? Yeah. Oh, I that hurt? Yeah. Oh, I'll keep doing it then. Boom! Lenny faces Kavanaugh with renewed resolve. Hey, I want to apologize. For what? For being a dick when we

were in high school. You don't want to let bygones be bygones? I do, but only after you apologize. For stuff that happened 30 years ago? There isn't a statue of limitations on being a dick. What did you call me?

I said what I said. Now you and me are fighting. Right now! Roxanne sees the fight about to begin. She is nervous because Stone Cold Steve Austin is a lot bigger than Adam Sandler. Somebody call the police. Officer Dante emerges from the crowd

wearing skis and a foam dome with two dozen cans of beer strapped to his head. We're already here. A circle of onlookers crowd around Lenny and Tommy. They size each other up in a tense moment. I gotta show my kid what's right. We'd do anything for our boys, wouldn't we? Yeah.

My boy is serving over in Afghanistan. Well, I hope he comes back safe. I hope he comes back safe Me too, me too Suck a punch, Jim Fader! Lick him, bite him Lick his tan off I tell you what Hit me right here and I'll go down like a sack of potatoes

What? Just do it Lenny winds up for a trick punch That will make him a hero in the eyes of his community and family because people who win with violence are the best people and that's what we need to teach our kids. No, stop. Please don't hit me. You tear me from limb to limb. What the? The only reason I picked on you is because I was afraid of you. Please don't hit me.

Tommy begins to fake cry. Kavanaugh is crying. This is ridiculous. You don't want me to hit you with this. Lenny extends a clenched fist. Tommy winces. How about I give you the elbow? Tommy winces once again. Finger in the

eye! Tommy cowers. Listen to this guy. Get up. Straighten up. Listen. If you ever talk to me or my family like that ever again, I will slap you into a pile of acne, bad breath, and back zits.

Oh, brother. Do you understand me? Yes, I understand you. Do you understand me? Yes, I understand you. Good. Now get out of here before I change my mind. Lenny whispers into Tommy's ear. Thank you very much.

Lenny turns and walks away with a needlessly smug look on his face Exterior, faded driveway, night Sherry is walking into the party with Wiley Who is dressed hilariously like Flavor Flav Jeez, fetters are playing their rock and roll records pretty loud I guess they haven't heard of Neighbors So good Sherry stops next to the mailbox

What are you doing? I'm just gonna get some air Get some air? We haven't even been to the party yet I would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to manage me Word, word You want me to stay and wait with you? I just want to be alone Yo

Don't believe the hype Boy Nailed it Wiley walks off Grabbing his crotch with one hand and throwing snaps in the air with the other. It is truly the low point of Steve Buscemi's illustrious career. Suddenly a fleet of cars arrive in the driveway.

University arseholes climb out of them. Some are scantily clad young women. Some are hot-headed men with LA... Oh, with lacrosse sticks. They look pissed off, but unstoppable. Hey, have you guys seen Lenny? Can you tell him I'm waiting out here like we arranged?

Guys, excuse me. Hey, I'm a person! The mob ignores her and marches forward. They are now in the field of vision of Wiley and Nick, who are hanging out in the party yard. Who are they? Bronson University frat guys.

Ugh, I hate white people. Taylor Lautner leads the group to the top of the hill we didn't know existed to right now in the fader's yard. How convenient. Isn't it? He looks down into the partygoers. How convenient. Everyone whose asses we need to kick together in one spot. You disrespected our frat house.

They disrespected the hell out of it. It is now apparent that all the partygoers have grouped together. They stand against and opposite the university group. Then do it. Me do it. You don't have to cover for them, Z-Dog. Who's Z-Dog? We know these old townies wrecked our first frat house

after we made them jump naked at the swimming hole. Hey, oh, that's me. Hey, I've been swimming at that quarry since I was eight years old. Apparently everyone in this lame town has been swimming there since they were eight years old. I guess nobody had time to move away because they were too busy sucking. The university crowd erupts with support at this awesome slam. This feels like a real seminal moment in the movie. Like we are about to witness some conclusive action.

Hey, Lenny Fetter left this town, went to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably made more money than all you brainiacs ever will put together, and he came back here because this is his home and it will always be his home. Lenny gives Dickie an appreciative nod. The kind of appreciative nod

one man can only give another man when they have truly grown up. That's nice, but we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches. We came here to kick some old, smelly asses! Asses! Asses! My vibe's Asses! Asses!

My fire is all around. There are also pets on the ass coming hard and fast. Hey, we may be old. We may be smelly. We may have a penis. But the only ones getting their asses kicked is going to be you spoiled, privileged, uppity d-bags. Now let's get busy.

The two groups fuck each other in a dramatic slow motion sequence reminiscent of the film 300. LA cross sticks held aloft. Fuck you. Young men launch themselves impossibly high in the air and even the stupid small minded woman look ready

for blood. That was in the world of the film. That's not Tim and Guy. What ensues is the single worst choreographed fight scene in the history of cinema. It's frankly embarrassing to watch. Higgins is about to be laid out by a frat guy when his son

the warlock comes to the rescue. Yeah, go Braden. Hit him. Just outside the kitchen, Nick is being attacked. Kyle steps in and lays out the assailant with the shittiest faux kung fu anyone's ever seen. Nick steps in and delivers the final blow. Hey.

We did it. Yeah. We make a Pretty good team Nick closes his eyes And walks into the direction of Kyle To try and kiss him Kyle steps out of the way And a dog steps in

Nick makes out with the dog Kyle vomits We now fast forward to the moment no one has been waiting for. It really happens. Lenny is in a standoff with Taylor. All right, flippy boy. Think you're going to flippy your way out of this one? Lenny throws a right hook, then a left.

Taylor handily ducks both. Too slow, old man. Where do you work out, Cinnabon? Taylor lands a sweet-ass kick on Lenny. Lenny falls and fails to get up. Oh, so we're throwing legs? Okay, well, give me a moment to stretch. We're gonna throw some legs, huh? We're gonna throw some legs, huh?

We're gonna throw some legs, huh? Taylor gets bored of Sandler's groaning and executes an amazing backwards roundhouse into his face. Lenny stays down this time. Boom, that just happened. What were you raised by ninjas? Lenny collapses into unconsciousness. Becky emerges from her bedroom out the front door with Mr. Gigglesworth.

She faces Taylor. Congratulations. You won the fight. Here's your prize. She hands him Mr. Gigglesworth. Oh, thanks, little girl. He looks just like you. Becky walks back into the house.

Good night. Taylor is waving the toy around, weirdly in front of him. It's a monkey. Oh, look at me. I'm a stupid little monkey. Suddenly, that deer from the start of the movie reappears. And gallops towards Mr. Gigglesworth, striking Taylor in the chest, pinning him on the ground.

Taylor holds off the deer, struggling on the deck against the beast in a timely metaphor for how the audience is struggling against the film which seemingly will not die. The university crowd disperses in fear of the deer. The townies have won. Yeah, what is correct? The townies have won and it's all thanks to the plucky, quick thinking of young Becky Fader.

Meanwhile, Lenny is still laid out on the lawn. Lenny, are you alright? It's your pretty shiny panty. Roxanne kicks Sherry in the fucking face. Full noise. With a boot or some shit. God damn intense. Y'all Sherry's now out cold.

Oops. I'm sorry. I kicked your barrette. Roxanne walks off. She don't even care about that husband of hers. Oh sorry honey. Super weird crossfade into the Laminsoff's kitchen. Oh, into Eric Laminsoff's mom's kitchen.

You got Lenny Higgins, Laminsoff, Kurt Dickey, all the boys are around the table with Laminsoff's mom. She's laid out an amazing spread. We got waffles, we got bacon, we got pancakes. The fucking works, all right? The guys, they look banged up from the fight. They're looking at old photos of Eric. Where'd this guy go?

Eric pulls a face to mimic his fucked up childhood mug. He's still here. The boys laugh their stupid heads off. So, Lenny, I hear you're having another baby. Yeah, apparently I am, Mrs. Lamensloff. I made that name up. Oh, surprise, huh? That doesn't mean you'll love it any less.

You know, Eric was a surprise. Mama! His father and I were in the bathroom in a Patriots game. Mama! His father and I were in the bathroom at a Patriots game and... Mama! The men laugh again because they're all idiots. Crossfade to the fader master bedroom. Roxanne is in bed. Lenny walks in eating chips.

Squeezing in one last piece of product placement before it's too late. Officer Dante has passed around the lawn. I know. I saw him trying to arrest an anthill. So, you want to talk about this baby thing? We can talk about it tomorrow. Okay. Then I'll make this between me and the kid. Lenny puts his head against Roxanne's womb. Not as weird as it sounds, though.

Plus, it gives us a nice reason to frame a shot of those swell high-hecked jubblies in a nightgown. Hello in there. This is your daddy speaking. Listen, I know it's been a crazy day. But I want you to know that me and your mom will love you a lot. And sometimes you'll find yourself in weird situations.

In front of room full of strangers in West Hollywood. But don't worry, because I'm a grown-up. Plus, do me a solid and take ballet when you get older so that I can see that dance teacher again. Roxanne hits Lenny on the head. I knew that was coming. I'm kidding, Because I'm already married to the most beautiful woman in the world.

Are you saying sweet things because you want to fool around? It would be a nice way to kick off summer. Okay, but let's make this quick. We've got a big day tomorrow. Okay. Watch your head in there, dude. The shot zooms out

of the Fader master bedroom window with some CGI magic, because apparently there was some change out of the Fader master bedroom window with some CGI magic, because apparently there was some change out of that shitty deer animation. Honey. Oh, honey. Lenny, no. I'm gonna do it.

Lenny burps, sneezes, and farts in one fell swoop and destroys the rest of Sandler's credibility. I did it for the baby! Congratulations, brave warrior. You just clocked grown-ups too. Thank you. Love ain't no billy goat Love don't got no beard Love don't need no garbage

Love got regular human eyeballs Love don't got Satan's eyeballs Love ain't no billyat, that's for sure Love ain't no Billy Goat Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much to the employees of Sinner Family. Ben Acker, Ben Blacker, Rachel Porter, Michelle Halleck, Kate Rudin, Adrian Belove, the Work Juice Orchestra ladies and gentlemen. Love ain't no Billy Goats.

Featuring Elo Wolfmer, Trip Beam, Eric Cuffs, John Dinerstein on the keys, Ethan Phillips and musical director Jordan Katz on brass. Thank you to the amazing cast of Rick Grown Ups 2! And thank you to you, ladies and gentlemen! You've been part of history tonight! Give yourselves a big round of applause! Thank you. Love ain't no billy goat, that's for sure. Love ain't no billy goat, that's for sure. I'm Tim Smith!

I'm Gov. Montgomery! Good night! Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in.

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