The Yak - A New Yak Guest Violates the Biggest Rule of the Show | The Yak 7-18-24

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

Brandon refuses to congratulate Big CatYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak

Hey, Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Hello, it's the Yak. Roback.com, promo code Yak. 20% off the first purchase. Q-Zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts. Roback.com, promo code Yak. Where the fuck is everyone? I don't know.

It's me, you, and Kateate i think that's all we need right right chat the kate episode boys here's the remote tied it that was rude take that back no i was just doing a family guy reference oh yeah it's a meg episode uh do you go do you want to say anything to me do i want to say anything to you robeck.com promo code yak i'm wearing the joggers right now i'm wearing the shorts would you like to say anything to me? Do I want to say anything to you? Robeck.com, promo code YAK. I'm wearing the joggers right now. I'm wearing the shorts. Would you like to say anything to me? Very much no.

What do I have to say to you? Nothing. There's nothing you're going to say to me. You want me to congratulate you for winning a two-team conference? Is that what you want? Could be that. Could be winning an armed force bowl when winning a bowl game after starting 1-4? Well, I guess the question would be, why did you start 1-4?

Because I had just gotten the game and I was learning it. You've played the game for 30 years. I have not played the game for 30 years. You're the one. Hey. So you don't want to congratulate me because I'm taking notes on who's

praying on my downfall. Congrats, Big Cat. Thank you, Stephen. Congratulations. Thank you, Kate. After watching. Zaha, TJ. You know what? Congrats, Big Cat.

Thank you. You can do this, or you can just. Maybe I'm the one that holds Doug to a higher standard. I've seen Doug before. Doug. Who's Doug? Doug. I meant Doug.

I've seen Doug's perform before. This is not really Duggs yet. You got to get Duggs going. I think the second half of the season was vintage Duggs, and I would have just thought maybe I'd come in and you'd be like, hey, man, that bowl game last night, what a fun. You hanging a banner? What a season.

No. I just asked if there was any congratulations in order. Are you getting rings? I was asking if I might. For the Armed Forces Bowl? I think you get at least like some flip-flops. Man. Right? Are you getting rings? I was asking if I might for the armed forces bowl. I think you get at least like some flip flops. Right?

Maybe you get a scud missile. Yeah, you're right, Brandon. The standards changed. Yeah, the standards have changed. That's all. It'd be nice for some acknowledgement for the number one media personnel in college football. No, he doesn't. You know, we'll see if that happens again this year.

Oh, that's going to happen. Oh. I've greased the wheels. Oh. How much have you greased the wheels? You're going to over-grease? Those wheels are going to fall off. They're so greased. I don't think that's how grease works. On Tuesday night.

If you over-grease, you can over-grease. I don't think you're going to grease them off. You can over-grease. You got greased off? I got greased myself off? You greased yourself? I greased myself off. Yeah. You greased too much?

Are those rankings coming out soon? Is that a preseason or... These came out in, like, January. Yeah. These were postseason. Mook, would you like to say anything to me? Huh? You're really doing this.

I just asked if you want to say anything to me. Hey. Hi. Yeah. What's up? You breathing heavy? Yeah. Out of breath.

Stairs. We know you're out of breath. Let me live. Let me live. What are you looking at me like that for? Yeah. Y'all should back off. Yeah.

Back off. Back off. Say anything to you. Anyone win any bowl games? Oh, congratulations. Thank you. I was up till 4 a.m. playing as Oh, congratulations. Thank you. I was up until 4 a.m. playing as well. Yeah, thank you.

Congratulations. Did you win a bowl game last night? I am getting to bowl season. I'm 8-2. I'm going for the playoffs. You're 8-2. Now that's worthy of a congratulations. Oh, he's playing in front of no one.

No, no, no. Congratulations. He's probably juicing the sliders. Whoa, chill. I'm a big integrity of the game guy, but on rookie, that is a hard, it's a hard ass game.

So it is a hard ass game. Hard ass game. It's a hard ass game. You probably whooped every night. Ain't that hard. Oh yeah. Well, it's six and six hard.

How's Mississippi state to, uh, we're foreign to Texas. Just whip the fuck out of us. Yeah. Yeah. I gave up playing an all American. Uh, yeah. Playing an all American. Yeah. He the fuck out of us. Yeah? Yeah. Playing an All-American? Yeah.

Playing an All-American? Yeah. Heisman. No chance on Heisman. I'm going to have to play Heisman. There's no chance. But the chat owns my life. They're going to get me to play Heisman.

Hey, TJ, I have a question about Twitch. If you say you want to jam your cocks down someone's eye socket, would they ban you? As long as it's not in a sexual manner or in a manner that can harm someone's it was 100 harming life then yes you can't get in trouble okay but if you you could cover it and by threat any threat by saying in a video game well i said i said i'm not maturity mature being a mature adult that i am yeah i'm not gonna say that i want to shove my cock down his eye sock. That's fine.

Or if you did, you could say, like, I want to kill this guy in a video game. Yeah. Because that's not a real threat. Is there a way to jam your cock into something non-sexually? Because I think once you use your cock as the thing to jam, that becomes sexual. No, it wouldn't be sexual. It would be violent. I would be trying to impale his brain with my...

Violently sexual. I'd be trying to assassinate him with my penis. In a video game. In a video... No, in real life. Oh. Getting killed by a penis would suck. Yeah, it would.

Yeah. Imagine if someone, like... It was like Russian roulette. Someone's cock just went from, like, soft to hard right in your ear hole and you died. Yeah. You got impaled by a boner. Yeah. How was that?

So there's one chance and six. I guess it would be one guy, and if you got him hard on accident. Yeah, it's five white guys and a black guy. Man did go in the middle. All right. It was like Barstool. Penis roulette. Penis roulette Penis roulette I'm sure Dick roulette

Kate just tried to shoot herself Kate just tried to shoot herself Kate's played it before Sure Yeah This was a long time ago So what's up guys? How's everyone doing?

Not good I just bit the inside of my mouth Oh man that's tough Tongue or lip? Tongue or lip? Not good. I just bit the inside of my mouth. Oh, man. That's tough. Tongue or lip? Tongue or lip? Inside, like, it's lining. Oh, my God. And then once it puffs out, you keep doing it.

What's worse, tongue or inside? It's been a while. I think inside's worse. Tongue's pretty bad. Tongue's bad. Tongue's bad. You ever get those, like, canker sores? You eat too many, like, ugh.

Gross. Those suck. Yeah. Canker sores. You eat too many. Oh, yeah. Gross. Those suck. Yeah. Canker sores suck. Yeah. And it's always right before Thanksgiving or something like a time when you're really going to chow down and then. Yeah.

That's not true what you just said. Okay. I get a canker sore right before Thanksgiving on Wednesday of Thanksgiving. Every single year. Canker sore season. No matter what. Is that herpes? That sounds like something that happened once and you remembered it.

You know how every Thanksgiving you blow a guy and you get a sore on your mouth right before the turkey comes out? What's worse, burning your mouth or biting your mouth? I think biting. Well, burning sucks too. Biting your tongue or your cheek? Cheek sucks. I'm the wrong guy to ask because right now this is my 9-11.

Right. I'm going through it right now and it fucking sucks. It's a war. It happened 10 minutes ago. Wait, you bit your tongue? I bit my right hair. Oh, your cheek. Yeah, that's the worst because then it puffs up.

Yeah. Man, I'm sorry. Yeah. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life probably. The design of our bodies shouldn't have allowed that to happen. Yeah. They should have caught that one. You ever go through a phase where you enjoy-

Design of our bodies. Where you enjoyed chewing the inside of your mouth a little bit? Nope. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Where you start to get some little pieces off, and then you start really getting into it. Well, no, not that. But grinding the back of your teeth, or maybe you hit the sides?

I don't know. I'm talking about actively chewing pieces off the inside of your teeth. No, that's fucking disgusting. No, me neither. I've recently been jerry-pilled online where I'm starting to believe conspiracy theories, and then my algorithm is now feeding me more of them. It's very dangerous but one of them I saw today was there like we've we found perfect like skulls and teeth from 10,000 years ago that are like perfectly intact yet we brush our teeth every day and we get cavities whoa big

dental now I don't think that didn They didn't have sugar. Those people. I think there's also maybe some confusing parts of what that meme was, but man. Can I push back maybe? Devil's Advocate. I don't know what I believe. Just Devil's Advocate. Those skulls might have been like 21 when they died. True. Yeah.

True. And they died of old age. But 20. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's an old fucking man. Yeah. 10,000 years ago yeah so maybe i don't i'm not happy about the algorithm that i've got cooking right

now but i'm just sharing with you guys the facts i miss it i miss being a conspiracy guy it was fun like i was when i was 14 i was really into him um i feel like you can't do it anymore now it's it's it's conspiracy all the good conspiracies are taken. Yeah. It was so fun, though. I don't think so. No. I think they're making new ones every day.

The Trump shooter right now, that's a conspiracy. But they don't pop off. I mean, to bring in its point, I think the conspiracies of old are almost impossible to – they're like the MJ of conspiracies. No matter how – all these new ones are just LeBrons. No matter how good you think they are, they will never, ever, under any circumstance, crack through. JFK is the GOAT conspiracy.

That's 100%. Moonlanding. JFK's got to be up there. Oh, no. JFK's the GOAT conspiracy. I think Moonlanding's up there. That's all. No way. It's not even close? I think it's... We're not doing a Mount Rushmore conspiracy? No, I'm talking about GOAT. Okay, but I said Moonlanding's up there with even close? I think it's... We're not doing a Mount Rushmore conspiracy? No, I'm talking about GOAT. Okay, but I said Moonlanding's up there with JFK? Moonlanding's Kobe.

Yeah, right. If you really look into it, you're like, nah. Nah. Yeah, Moonlanding is... JFK is the one. Moonlanding's Kobe. It's got a good legacy, but the substance isn't quite there. Right.

It's not as interesting. It's like, oh, so it's a soundstage. And the substance isn't quite there. Right. It's not as interesting. It's like, oh, so it's a soundstage. It kind of did follow MJ. Right. It was right after MJ. JFK has like five different choose your own adventures. Yeah.

I saw one. Again, I've been jerry-pilled, so my algorithm is fucked up. You know there's people that think that the driver shot him? Okay, this is too much. You got to get out. Give me your phone. The driver is okay. The driver turned around and shot him in the face.

Don't we see the driver turn around and shoot him? I don't know. I watched the video. And I was like, shit, it was the driver. It went through the armpits on the house? Yeah, again, it was the driver. It went through the armpits on the house? Yeah. Again, compelling video. I get how you get addicted to these because you just... So the current one that is, I don't want to say I believe, but there's something there.

Trump almost gets assassinated on Saturday. Biden gets COVID on Wednesday. And he's going to be out of the race in a matter of days yes that's very clear uh feels like it was like hey joe we'll take one last chance to see if you can win this then you got to do the covet thing i was like if yeah if trump gets assassinated you're in if he doesn't it's coveted and you're out so the Timing just feels a little bit suspect. The shooting was the Hail Mary and now we just go ahead and take the L. I don't believe this, but

some people might believe it. Including myself. I don't know. I think I'm just going to do this for a little bit. It's fun. I'll be in my skeptical era for a little bit. It sounds like you're the opposite of skeptical. You're believing everything you see.

That's true. I guess I'm not skeptical at all because I think everything I see. You should be more skeptical. He's skeptical of the mainstream. Yeah. But everything can't be a conspiracy. That's the problem. I agree with you.

That's the problem with conspiracies. Sometimes things just happen as the way they happen. I agree with you. I agree with you. I got some deep ones for you. Like non-mainstream conspiracies. You ever want to get on that algo, you let me know. Nephiliums. What?

Ancient giants. Ancient giants. See, that shit doesn't interest me. Like Willie Mays? That's good. That's really good? That's good. That was really fucking good. That was really fucking good. Yeah. Wait, he's a. Why, Tittle? Yeah.

Wait, he's a Niner, wasn't he? David Tyree. Peyton Manning. Is he a Giant? Who's the guy in the famous picture? I don't know. In like the greatest game ever played. That was very presumptuous.

Frank Gifford was famous as a Giant. That was very presumptuous of them to say that in like 1952, this is the greatest game in the century yeah it's like bro we got a lot of century a lot of century left yeah yeah like imagine if we said the football got way better yeah right hey that wasn't even close that wouldn't even be top 100 games in the century yeah give me a give me like a week 14 ra Steelers. That was way better. They also took the name Ice Bowl pretty early, too. I know it was cold as fuck on the anti-cold.

Yeah, but that was my... I don't know if there's been... Has there been a colder day? Didn't we have one a couple... Like last year at Buffalo, there was mountains and mountains of snow? Two years ago. I was there. I'm okay with calling that one the Ice Bowl just because they didn't have all the modern technology.

To get rid of it? To get rid of it and stuff. Those guys were fucking cold. I guess if the field's still super green like it was at Buffalo that day, it can't be the ice bowl. Well, that's turf. Right. But they cleared it off. Yeah.

Ah, got it. They were able to keep it. But the ice bowl wasn't covered in snow, right? It was just bitterly, bitterly, bitterly cold. Yeah, I think it was too cold for snow. Yeah. Too hot to fish. Too cold for snow.

Too hot to drink. Me and Sass were at the snowball game in Buffalo. They play the Dolphins. Oh, yeah. Got trapped at the stadium and almost had to fuck our way home. What? There was a swingers couple that tried to like fuck us and they had a ride coming then why there's no way that you completely misread that entire no no no

this is sass has told the story like five times on boy dad end on here so why didn't y'all fuck your way home it was uh a very older couple sass would have had to take off his shirt no we would have both fucked with our shirts on for sure. That's got to be one of the worst fucks is like directly after a football game. Like when you're like a Bills game too. Directly after a Bills game. Yeah. That's the worst fuck. Historically.

Historically, that's the worst time to fuck. You've just been farting into a bleacher seat for four hours. Slogging beers and dogs. is cold small yeah like you smell bad your dick's already been through a lot that yeah right a cold fuck yeah like you could try before when you're like on the way up but after a game yeah but but i mean these communities that exist in these cold ass reaches of the of the earth they procreate. They have kids. True. Their dicks are cold all the time. Great way to warm one up.

Yeah. Fucking an igloo would suck. Are igloos real? Yes. What do you think? Great conspiracy Brandon. Is there somebody living in an igloo right now? Yes. I feel like we've cartoonized igloos. No. The Inuits. You're telling me right now. How many people live in igloos right now? i feel like we've cartoonized no the inuits you're telling me right now how many

people live in igloos right now dj pull it up an actual igloo what we know is an igloo it's a great question i think when they go out ice blocks yeah i think when they go out hunting they stay in they do stay like way out in the boon the inuits yeah you know i know who they are but the the igloo the thing that we have kind of lionized as their house, does that really exist? In warmer weather, traveling inuit. How many igloos are about three? Wait.

That doesn't really tell us anything. Traveling inuit, use tense note as two-pick. I like Biggie better. You're on one. You're on fire. Well, Nick's not here to stop me. No, that's true. Yeah, keep rolling.

A few visitors expect to find Alaskans living in igloos. Many are surprised daily life is much like there are not people living in igloos right now. I think there are. Yeah, the Inuits. Good call, Dan. That doesn't say in the past. It says in the past. Point for Dan. Guys.

Point for Dan. In the past. Point for me while hunting. It literally says the phrase in the past. Guys. Point for me while hunting. It literally says the phrase in the past. Yep. In the past. We were in the Inuits. There it is.

I fucking nailed that. I don't think you did. In your face. You're taking a W for something that wasn't earned. Inuits. Just going to keep saying it? that wasn't earned. Inuits. Just going to keep saying it? Yeah. Inuits.

Inuits. Have you ever been so cold that you genuinely started to worry about, like, uh-oh, I better tuck it? No, I don't think I've been. I mean, I've been shivering cold, but I've never been, like, my body parts are in danger. Because that's got to be one of the first to go, right? Wait, tuck what? The dick's fine. No offense. You don't really care.

The dick goes inside of you. We can't use you as a thermometer for temperature. You're a broken thermometer. Everyone else said no, Brendan. Like 75 degrees out and you're like, this is the hottest day ever. It's chilly. You are a broken thermometer. That's on the high end. On the low end, I'm very reliable.

I don't know about that. Yeah, all right. You might be a broken thermometer. I guess I haven't lived in the north long enough to be. We had a mild winter last year. Yeah, we had that one week. I haven't been bitterly cold very much. You just got to buy a big-ass coat.

I bought multiple. Didn't get to wear them all. Big-ass coats? Did you do any ice fishing? No, but I did. Did you do any ice fishing oh no but it did and i saw guys out there but it only stayed frozen solid for about three weeks for maybe a month and we were going for the super bowl when it was happening by the time i got back from the super bowl it was like starting to when are we going to do the day at your house we have to do it by the end of the summer. Let's do it very, very soon.

Okay. I think what we should do is tape it on like a Wednesday afternoon and run it on a Friday. We'll do a yak and then we'll go out there and by four or five we can be recording. Yeah, we should tape it. Yeah. And then get on the boat. All of us on the boat. Yeah.

I'm more worried about everybody standing on the pier than the boat. Oh, we got pier problems? Well, the pier kind of shakes when I'm on it. Those are tiny little legs. Those are. What? Yeah, the pier kind of shakes when I'm on it. Those are tiny little legs. What? Yeah, the pier kind of. This is a development I didn't expect. It doesn't shake to the point you think you're going to fall in, but it knows you're there.

Does it shake like a dock does? Like when you walk down a dock? No, it's like a small dock. Like a small dock? Like a small dock. All right, in the south, I call all piers docks and docks piers. Does it go back and forth? Yeah, a little bit. Oh, no. Yeah, a small dock. All right, in the south, I call all piers docks and docks piers. Does it go back and forth? Yeah, a little bit.

Oh, no. Yeah, a little bit. Just a little. See, my pier, it's not anchored into the ground. You put it out, and it's on stands. It's inflatable? No, it's not inflatable, but it's retractable. So when the water freezes over, I can take it out, and then I can put it back in.

That's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, and I have a guy, Quadzilla, then I can put it back in. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. And I have a guy that, Quadzilla, who came and put it in for me. Quadzilla? Yeah.

The Rough and Rowdy fighter? Is there a Quadzilla there? No, I have a guy. That just sounds like a Rough and Rowdy fighter. I have a kid from Wisconsin that DM'd me and said, hey, I'll put your peer in for you. And I said, come on down.

He came on down to the house and he had the biggest quads I've ever seen. Oh, you named him Quadzilla? Roan did when I showed him the last time. Oh. How's your gay-ass neighbor? No, no, no, no. First of all.

No, Tiny Dick. Oh, he's Tiny Dick. The other one is gay. Art. Nobody's gay. Well, there are definitely gay people. I have two friends. Don't deny.

In my neighborhood? No, but just. I have two friends, Art and Don. In my neighborhood? No, but just. I have two friends, Art and Don. But I'm closer to Art. Me and Don haven't hung out. My wife and Don's wife are very close. But me and Art are tight. We go places together.

I sent you a picture of Art one day. Yeah, you did. Yeah. You guys are still hanging? Oh, we're still hanging. The summer's been a little rough because, you know, I've been on vacation. He's been on vacation. Every now and then we'll go schedule hasn't lined up schedule hasn't lined up very well but it's what it is is is already in the cul-de-sac

no he's not in my cul-de-sac got it he's a he's he's down the lake a little bit you guys ever shut the street down and get like big inflatables in the cul-de-sac no it's like a big old slide or something like kids could slide down it does sound good uh no we haven't i think there was a big block party or a big lake party when i was gone but i didn't get to attend because i wasn't there we had one on sunday it's great it's so much fun it's the best because you're just walking in the street yeah feels cool yeah walking in the street feels cool. Yeah.

Walking in the street feels really cool. Sitting in a little circle of beach chairs, lose track of your kids. Yeah. It's like when you were growing up, you know? Yeah. Just like apparently every weekend of your entire life. Yep. It's great.

She was a lost girl. I was thinking about when we were doing the home run thing, and then you got blizzards. It just sent me back to Little League when we would after literally you get in the truck and one dad always had a pickup truck you jump in the back of the pickup truck and you take you to dairy queen yeah um do kids ride in pickup trucks like that anymore probably almost certainly not right i don't think so we used to pack like south we used to pack like 15 kids in the back and drive like three miles to Dairy Queen. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's gone. That's gone, right? We didn't do that when I was 11. My Little League coach used to smoke in the dugout. That's awesome. Awesome. He would do it on the far side. Did you have a parade?

We had a parade of kids in the back of pickups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To start opening day for baseball. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And was there a snack shack

there too because like there'd be like a snack shack that was like it was basically like you want a hot dog or an airhead the little white sticks that you dipped in the powder that was yeah what what will be today hot dog or airhead or a spongebob popsicle yeah when we go to dairy queen we used to only get like two dollars of a kid or something was like the limit so then we got genius we put our brains together and decided to pull all the money together to get like a massive cake yeah stuff like that we try to outsmart the parents um dude if you would like five or ten bucks at a snack shack you were a king oh yeah oh yeah but yeah i just i remember

like right in the back of these pickup trucks and like the the the tire well that like hump up like that was like the best seat yeah you'd hit a bump like you'd shoot you up in the air and it was so fucking awesome yeah and i was like there's no way no way there's no way there's probably some all right yeah the south makes sense yeah absolutely i saw i'm sure they do i gotta go maybe i should go back home and just observe. That's where you put your dog. I should just drive a pickup truck and, kids, jump in. Every ride on the side, yeah.

Get in my truck. That's the best. I miss those days. Yeah. I tried to tell it three times. It'll stop. Sorry. You finally got your opening.

Oh, get in there. I know. Now I overhyped it. Now it's not as cool. Get in there. We used to do that, too. It was fun. Seatbelts were very optional.

My dad would always say, if I see a cop, if I tap on the window, I see a cop. That means everybody lay down. Get down. Yeah. He used to take just joy rides like all over the place. Yeah. We went far. I used to stand with my elbows on the hood or on the not the hood.

What do you call the roof? The roof. The cabin. the hood or on the not the hood the what do you call the roof the roof the cabin yeah did you guys have um a friend who had a station wagon with the seats going back that was the best i saw station wagons i never saw one with the rear oh my god those seats you just felt like such a badass i'd get car sick every time because you'd be facing. I don't know what any of this means. They're crazy. Find it, TJ. My mom had one for like five years. Yeah. And then she crashed it.

Can't be safe. No. Because if you get rear-ended, you're dead. They're right in your face. But the trunk was just two seats facing backwards. And they were the most coveted seats. Yeah, dude. That's like a rollercoaster ride. So sick. Some of them had even a table that folded down. It was so sick. The big thing was

flipping off other cars. Look at that. That's how they were. You get to be on the highway and just look back at the driver. Oh, I've never seen this before. Yeah, I think probably some kids died. Yeah.

Think about it. If you do get rear-ended on the highway, you are dead. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, like, think about it. If you do get rear-ended on the highway, you are dead. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, those were awesome. Maybe they still have it. Nah, my mom had a Volvo station wagon, and then when she got a new one, it didn't have them anymore. It was, like, 2012.

That looks so much... Like, you must have been the biggest shithead in the back, too, if you could see the driver behind you. Yeah. If I was eight, oh, I would have been. A lot of birds. Minutes, yeah. Making making dumb faces flipping them off did you guys ever like on a school field trip do the whole like help me thing oh yeah everybody does yeah the back two the back two rows of the bus are just

where the assholes sit yes and just terrorize whoever's behind them yeah we would do the the honk yeah trying to get titties and it was just like a fat guy driving a truck um i have a video for you tj i want you to play i asked so cale williams signed yesterday yeah congratulations thank you there was a lot of talk in the off season that he was not going to sign with the bears that he was going to ask for ownership that he was going to demand a trade so i told told white boy Rick, make me a video, pull some receipts. And he sent me a video. And I was shocked by some of the things that were said.

You might have to turn it down at the end because a song comes on, but if you could play that, TJ, just real quick. It feels good to just be able to dunk on it. And now they're moving the goalposts, being like he'll never sign an extension there. He'll never win a Super Bowl. Never win a Super Bowl. We meant actually he won't sign a second contract with the Bears.

That's what we meant. Moving the goalposts. There's some concerns here that Dad's a little too involved. I do think it's possible that Washington trades up and Chicago allows Washington to trade up because Caleb and his group do not want to go to Chicago, do not want to go to Chicago, do not want to go to Chicago. Caleb Williams should pull an Eli Manning

and demand that the Chicago Bears do not draft him. If you ask Caleb Williams where he would like to play football, he's not going to play the franchise that is famous for fucking a quarterback. At some point, Caleb Williams is somebody else saying, I just want to play this year. Hold on, there's more guys. Did I say Chicago? I did not say, I did not know you had that clip.

White boy Rick found that clip. I didn't know I had that clip. I was shocked. My mouth was on the floor when I saw, hey, I know that guy. I know that guy. I work with that guy. I still stand by it. I think if you ask Caleb Williams if you could play any of the franchises in the NFL,

you think he's, you think if the draft went the other way and it worked like college and it was like, Caleb, you can commit to any... Bears. Have you seen him do the Bear Claw? Yeah, if the NFL can recruit, he can go anywhere he wanted to? Bears. That's alright. He's done the Bear Claw. As far as dumb shit I've said, that's...

No, it's actually an honor to be on one of those videos. I always am pumped when I'm on one of those videos. When the team accounts, everyone doubted us. When Brandon's on a bunch of college football teams. Oh, he's on every single one. I'm on a shit ton of them. You're on so many.

I was a star in Oklahoma one year. It's like every single social media director at a major college football program is subscribed to Unnecessary Roughness. Yeah, just to get it. Just for that. Just to get it. What a brand. It's smart.

Yeah. That's how you get to be number one. We should try to get on more of those. Did you simulate one of your wins? Accidentally, yes. It was quite funny. People were watching. I was like, all all right let's go ready to go and then i hit it and then it just popped up and they were like defensive player of the game one of my guys like what the fuck just happened thank god that was a win because that would have

been a disaster yeah i did who'd you beat? San Diego State. I would have won. Could have been a loss. I would have won. Tough. I lost to Deion. Did you? Yeah.

On purpose? No. That's, I... He's a good coach. That's bullshit. Some people in this company would lose to him on purpose. Oh, yeah. Well, that's... Are you going to go at Deion this year?

I'm going to speak the truth like I always do. What's your truth? Like I did last year. If they make a bowl, it's going to go at Deion this year? I'm going to speak the truth like I always do. What's your truth? Like I did last year. If they make a bowl, it's going to be a good season. Do you think they will? I think they'll be better this year. I think they're a better team. I think they have better transfers than they had last year.

But still might get overwhelmed on that offensive line. I kind of want to bet Travis Hunter to win Heisman. I wouldn't. Why? It's best you're talking about a six or seven win team. Charles Woodson. Charles Woodson played on the undefeated national champions. I know.

Okay. But people like that. There's fatigue on quarterbacks. That's great. He does something crazy. Charles Woodson. He has 1,000 yards receiving. On the undefeated national champions who were a marquee program.

I didn't ask for a Charles Woodson history lesson. I just said his name. Then why'd you say his name? I just said his name. Right, but you used him as an example. No, I just said his name. Travis Hunter will meet zero of the parameters. He literally just said his name.

Travis Hunter will meet zero. I never said anything else. Eric Crouch. Okay. I'm just saying names. Why would you, during a discussion, why would you just say random names? I don't know. It's fun. Get you off your game. I'm not off my game. would you, during a discussion, why would you just say random names? I don't know. It's fun.

Get you off your game. I'm not off my game. You're not getting me off my game. Although this is training camp for me. We're getting ready. Are you doing prep? Oh, doing a lot of prep. That's all my vacation was.

You got any takes you're circling right now that you're not ready to unleash? I'm struggling to get my marquee take. I haven't picked my number one take. Oh, I like this. I think I do have it. What's his big take that he's going to, you know, that's the one you're going to hang your hat on? Yeah, do you want a little taste of it?

Yeah, give us a taste. Yes. Oh, shit. I think the most undervalued and underrated coach and team right now is Dabo and Clemson. Oh, we're going to go zag on them. yes oh shit i think the most undervalued and underrated coaching team right now is is dabbo and clemson oh we're gonna go zag on him i think clemson's gonna have a monster year and i like that dabbo who took a lot of heat last year is gonna be this is why he's number one yeah he's gonna be when clemson's at the top he's saying clemson actually sucks drag him down here

and then once they're in the gutter he's the hand reaching down yeah saying let me help you guys out of there yeah get back up here this is genius brandon you are the year after guy i'm the off-peak guy yeah you like doing that where it's like more in college basketball but you're after you're supposed to win it yeah that's one of your favorite you did it yeah yep i i love all the champions uh happens in college baseball a ton uh like tennessee did it this year they they won an off-peak championship speaking of college baseball yeah no don't do it i know we aren't gonna do it till august but that video was breathtaking okay time would which one the 14 minute one okay and not the one of him trying to no i don't give a fuck about oh because i wanted to hate on that but i also couldn't balance on

that thing yeah no that one was tough right did you guys see the 14 minute video i watched the first 35 seconds and bailed out immediately i think i i watched the, but not The Force. This is, Mincy made a video of Jazz Fest. If you remember, Jazz Fest was two and a half months ago. Yeah. The Pelicans were still playing. There's Pelicans clips in there. It was all the way back to the Kim Mulkey picture. Mm-hmm.

He edited the entire video himself. He couldn't use copyrighted music music but he also was going to concerts during it so he put in clips where it was a band playing with royalty-free music played over it dude a music license just go to the go How much percent of this video? It's 14. This is a video. Give him my problem. This video is basically like you find this. It's some kid did it as their high school project.

There's 15 views. Yes. Is that his watermark? Holy traffic. Well, he said everything after that. Yeah, this just has no sound. Because I guess they were playing music in it. So that's subtitles.

All right. Go to the part where he's playing. Yeah, this music. Yeah. Ready? Keep going. Keep going. Look at this.

This is not the music being played at the concert. This is just other music. This is like a video of a concert with other music being played. It's like an iPhone generated video. Yeah. Like when it's like your iPhone-generated video. Yeah. Like when it's like your memories from last weekend, you want to make it a video. Like, I know we're not talking, but this is breathtaking.

Here's a concert. I'm not going to lie, this kind of works for me. Yeah, here's a concert. Here's music that's not the concert. But look how cool the concert is. Wow, that sax guy is really going crazy. The saxophone probably sounds awesome. Crowd's chanting something, it looks like. It's not the music.

So 14 minutes. Wow. That's three and a half minutes in. Is that Jewish music? He just did royalty free Jewish music. He really did.

This is when he actually sent Dave an email saying I did the Havana Gila. This is when the original What the Fuck is Minzy doing? This was that week, right? He actually sent Dave an email saying I did the... Yeah, Havani Gillian. He also... This is when the original, like, what the fuck is Mincy doing... This was that week, right? Yeah. Yeah.

It was three months ago. I think it's April. Hmm. I'm going to say this is fucking awesome. Yeah, no, it's breathtaking. I love it. It's so bad, it's good. The video log.

Yep, that's what they call them. Video logs. Yeah, see, what they call them. Video logs. Yeah, see, this is the game that he played in, remember? Oh. Playing the State House of Representatives game. Mm-hmm. Got Pelicans, Chili's here. Look at that.

This is popping. With the legislators, what's going on here? Everybody just play out the PMAC. This should be quite interesting. How's it take? Thanks for coaching. All right, we're warmed up. All right, go through this.

This is just some using old clips. Yep. What? What? They were asking if I know Dave Portnoy, but they just really want to know. What do y'all know? Do you know Miss Peaches?

I do. I met her. Dude. They just really want to know what do y'all know? They were asking if I know Dave Portnoy, but they just really want to know. What do y'all know? Do you know Miss Peaches? I do. I met her. Dave, you got Miss Peaches. You got some fans. Oh, that's incredible.

That's incredible. Amazing. The music's way too up-tempo for the basketball. Yeah, way too up-tempo. Oh, my God. So has he been... He's not involved in the... Oh, he's just trying to rebound.

Has he been working on this since then? Yep. The only thing he's been working on. He's been learning how to edit with Corey Rutledge. Hey! Oh! There you go. Are you proud?

I'm always proud of Menci. That was a good shot in the background. The face blurs. It's so good. We're just now getting a jazz fest? Yeah, this is just... We're in the festival now, headed toward the Gentilly stage where the Rolling Stones are playing at 5.

Dumpster Font playing right now. I'm in Neville's band. Dumpster Font? Awesome Neville Font band. They're actually dealing with a tragic loss. Our bass player died last week. Why did you leave this at Rice? They only sold 50,000 tickets today, and they usually sell like 100

because the Stones deal can make it only 50,000 at the Acura stage. So it's a little more laid back walking around here. We got some good weather. Not too sunny. Feels good out here. Not too humid. That's a rain cloud. We made our way to the actual stage. Got a good spot here. Back middle.

Back middle. That's always the best spot. Yep. It's right there. Back middle. What music does he pick for the Rolling Stones? Also, hilarious. There actually is nothing worse than videos of a concert. Yes.

I know. Yeah. Like, when we were at the Sphere, I started taking some. I posted a couple just because, like, they were cool. But then I watched them back the next day. I was like, this sucks. This kind of sucks. Like, no one wants to see this.

When you see an Instagram story with, like, a thousand dots, you're like, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. It's like, who wants to see this? It's like video fireworks dots yeah like no no no no yeah it's like there's like who wants to see this it's like video fireworks yeah but this is different but this is different because we get really good music on yeah i wish he was able to interview mick jagger behind one of those face blurring things yeah all right no rolling stone. Meanwhile, outside the festival grounds. It's going to be crazy. Oh, some more royalty-free music. I made the same video in iMovie in 10th grade.

There's no way he can't use the music that's being played right now. Yeah, he could definitely. It's just generic. It's just a band playing on the street. But I'm proud of him. What was that? Meanwhile, outside, it was just people on the street. But I'm proud of them. What was that? That was, meanwhile, outside. It was just people on the street. He forgot to take videos

during the Rolling Stones concert. Yeah, definitely. Oh, this is better than Ezra. Nice. They're rocking. Wow. All right. We found the most boring vlogger of all time.

Yeah. This is incredible. I can't look away, though. Yeah. I can look away. I have no problem with that. Finished old school rocking with Better Than Ezra. Walking down Canal Street, NOLA.

Beautiful night here. And we'll be taking my talents to the Joy Theater to see Lettuce throw down some funk. How many concerts did he go to? This man. Jazz Fest nights. Can't beat him. How can you go to this many concerts? I get tired from one concert.

He's back. He went to like 15. Best one in the spot. Back middle. Can he not get good spots? Best spot. Best spot in the house again. I kind of need him to do, I wish he had taken video of this.

Another one? Two in there. Oh, he got better seats this time. Is he? Is he on a drone? Is he hovering? Yeah. That guy in front of him is getting a way better shot.

Yeah, he is. The whole crowd. It's going to be a great Saturday. Yeah, but if I'm watching this on Thursday. It's Saturday now in New Orleans. I walked out of Timotena's at 4.10 a.m. after Neil Francis last night. I've been moving pretty slow today. But I'm at Harrah's.

I'm about to hop into a $500 poker tournament and watch Kentucky Derby. I'll be there. Kentucky Derby, yes. That was quite a long time ago. That was almost three months ago. I'm at the destroyer running a real hot Saturday 500.

I want a huge hand or I got it on land. 8-6 of hearts on a 4-3-2-2 hard flop that King High held. There's nothing more confusing than when guys talk poker. Yeah. Is there going to be a vlog with the Sphere and then World Series? I hope so.

In a couple months? In a while. Yeah. It'll be out by Thanksgiving. Thank you. Print the shirts. Canker sore season. Yeah, this is copyrighted.

This is copyrighted. We've got to get this stricken. We've got to report this. That's crazy. This has 1.1 million views? No. Oh, yeah. that's crazy this has 1.1 million views right now no oh yeah well you can check privacy off the blur oh that's funny oh my god unreal unreal uh by the way draft, did you know that...

Oh, no, this is game time. Sorry, game time. Oh, no, Steven. Wait, does it say DraftKings? Yeah, but it's a game time read. What am I supposed to do? It's game time. Just go forward and say it's game time, okay?

Advertiser number three, DraftKings. Did you know that you can get tickets to Diamondbacks and Cubs tomorrow? DraftKings has tickets now? Yeah, right now only $47. That's right. Thanks to GameTime, the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. You don't have to worry when you buy tickets to your next big event. GameTime is a fast and easy way to buy tickets to all sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you.

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Yes. But I think this is the worst question he's ever asked. No. If a barbershop has dum-dums at the register, do you take one? That's a good question. If you're an adult. Who's the person that would say no? No one.

Y'all don't take one every time? Every time. Every time. If there's a dum-dum, it's at the bank. But yeah, you take a dum-dum. Every time. Every time. See, I don't know if I feel like, oh, those are out for kids.

They're not for me. No, they're for customers and kids. Customers with kids and customers. Peach, root beer, root beer dum-dum. Peach, root beer, blue raspberry. Those are my three. I recently started taking them. I used to take them and actually get them for my kids

because they like dum-dums, but now I just started taking them for myself. But before I wouldn't because I felt shame because, yeah, they're like a kid's candy. Bubblegum guy? Yeah. Or cotton candy. Cotton candy, yes. Pina Colada. I used to hate it. Now I like it. I take dum-dums 100% of the time if they're available.

Do you take one or multiple? One. I'm not a savage. I'm not an animal. Will you ever take the mystery one? Yeah. That's crazy. You're crazy for that well if if i've got my kids and i've got i can have up to four kids at a time i'll get i'll make sure their flavors and i'll just grab one for myself you can sometimes be as loaded as four could be as many as four could be one it's usually we my wife and i do a good job of dividing and conquering so i'm

rarely carrying four deep speaking of which i have some bad news oh you're taking my kids away no oh i'm not gonna be here tomorrow oh no is tommy coming in you know the whole thing hinged on his friends being here i know i'll bring him in next year not gonna be here either i'll bring him in next week okay the good news is so i'm not gonna be here tomorrow but i was gonna take a vacation last week of july i'm no longer doing that well you can still take your vacation no it just didn't it didn't work out because we got grit week the week after yeah i want to be out for two weeks imagine being out for two weeks take a vacation during grit week i mean good could you imagine

going away for two full weeks yeah i, I know that would be crazy. It was only, you know, some would only go away. One of my weeks would be working on Grit Week, but still out of the office for two weeks. Two weeks would be nuts. Too much. What if one week was like during a work holiday? I mean, that week shouldn't count, should it?

No, that counts. I would not be shamed for going and visiting what the the land that created brandon walker i'm born from the land i was practically what country were the walkers from way back i don't know i know nothing about my family prior i'm with i'm with you on that one, Brandon. I've never looked. I've looked and I got nothing. I don't know my lineage. I don't know if I'm Scottish. As far as I know, my ancestors are from Indiana.

Yeah. They just popped up in the corn, I think. My family started at my grandfather. Yeah. I don't know anything past my – I know my great-grandfather. Huh? We're going to do 23 years. I don't know that I want to do that.

I guess I would, but I – We have a sponsor coming in 23 years. I don't know that I want to do that. I guess I would, but I... We have a sponsor coming in for that. I don't know. What would be the worst place you could be from? I don't know. What if you were Italian? I think I could trace... I can trace walkers back to like 1900.

I know. That would be hilarious if you were Italian. Oh, yeah. Full-blooded. Yeah. Maybe. You could be Northern Italian. i guess i don't know i know half is irish and half is like either polish or russian i don't know i mean i'm english

scottish irish somewhere in there right maybe yeah maybe some german i don't know who knows what if you're a canadian that would suck yeah myself. I kind of want to know now. Okay. The reason I've never done Ancestry or 23andMe, what do you have to do? I think you just got to swab. Yeah, I think it's a swabber. What did you think that you had to do, like jizz in a cup? I've never wanted to ask what you had to do. I've never wanted to take a-

You need a fecal blood and jizz. If I can go on a website and click some buttons and you tell me what I am, I will do it. If I have to do something like getting something. You literally just have to take a little. Or you think it was like a physical fitness test or something? I never wanted to know what you had to do. I never wanted to know. It's also a conspiracy, by the way.

What? DNA collection. Oh, yeah. No, I know that. Yeah. Except for the one that's going to sponsor us. Except for the sponsor. They're different.

They're ethical. They're different. Yes. I want to see where you're from. How long does it take? Two seconds. No, no. How long does it take to get the results?

A week. See, that's a week. I just don't have time for that shit. I have a quicker way. I'll swab you without you knowing. How are you going to swab me? Yeah, you just put your finger up. No, I just hold a chicken nugget.

Oh. Swab. In a different way. Yeah, yeah, yeah I just hold a chicken nugget. Oh. Swab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at this chicken nugget. Swab. That's that easy. Good boy. I've already nuggeted it today.

Yeah, but we just put the swab in a little piece of peanut butter covered in cheese. Here comes the plan. Mix it right in there. Mm-hmm. I put it on a string. Put it in in there. I put it on a string. Put it in your mouth. I pull the string out. It's no problem.

All right. We'll find out. Hey, when do kids lose their teeth? Six. Shit. Well, I mean, they start at six, right? Are your kids losing their teeth? No, but soon.

Neighbor's kids. Shit. Between six and ten, right? No, but soon. Neighbor's kids. Shit. 26 and 10, right? I don't remember. I believed in the tooth fairy for way too long. Me too. My parents were very good at that. Seems like of all the parent roles to bullshit your kids with,

the tooth fairy feels like the hardest one to pull off. It is. I was about to say that. I would imagine, yeah. You sneak into their bed while they're sleeping. You get to lift up the pillow. That's easy. That part's easy?

It's having cash. Oh. Oh. Nobody carries cash anymore. I mean, when you explain the way the rest of this, like Santa Claus is easy. They go to bed. You put it under the tree. It's easy to use a dollar on your kid's pillow.

Kids do sleep a lot deeper they sleep deeper yeah it's you can slide it you can slide a really whole ham sandwich under there but i fully believe you have to get the tooth too yeah i fully believed it probably till i was like nine or ten like way embarrassingly long being like yeah there was a fairy that came into my bedroom and put a dollar bill under my but. But it catches you by surprise every time because you'll get home or my wife will be like, hey, did you get cash for the Tooth Fairy? It's like 9 o'clock at night.

We have no cash. So either I go out or we just say in the morning, hey, maybe the Tooth Fairy will get you tonight. Just Venmo or something. I think I still probably owe my kids probably $200 worth of tooth fairy money that I just never had.

Do you lose all your teeth? I think so, yes. That's a weird thing that doesn't get enough credit. They just, when you're six years old, all the teeth fall out of your mouth? Why do we have tooth fairy teeth? And they come in random sequences. Some people lose their tooth front teeth.

I know, kids get real ugly. Did you know some babies are born with a bunch of teeth? in like random sequences like some people lose their tooth uh i know kids get real ugly did you know some babies are born with a like come out with a bunch of teeth that's like a thing that can happen that's freak me out yeah it's very weird uh-huh yeah i think i pushed the tooth fairy too because i was like i want 10 bucks yeah and like i knew and i think one day my mom was like no it's over there's some really dumb things I used to think. I think I got money for my first two or three teeth, and then that was it. Yeah, you gave up.

I used to think God lived inside the confession booth at church, and I would write letters and slide them under the door, and he didn't. I used to think my Game Boy controlled the plane. That's why they told me to turn it off. You could have hacked the system. I still don't know about that. If I kept it on and I hit left in Mario, the plane would just fucking go crazy. Did you try it?

No, I was scared. If you believe that, I feel like you would have. Oh, no. I was so scared. I was like, yes, I will turn this off. As the plane's rolling down the runway to take off, you just press up as hard as you can? Yeah. I was convinced that was why they told us to turn this off. Like as the plane's rolling down the runway to take off, you just press up as hard as you can? Yeah. I was convinced that was why they told us to turn it off.

I think I won like the World Series, like in T-ball. You know what I mean? You get a trophy, you're like, oh, I'm the champion. Oh, yeah, that's it. Of everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to think if I didn't pray hard enough on Christmas Eve, Mary wouldn't make it to the manger.

Yeah. Jesus, and then there would be no Christmas. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it Titus what was it like to be like late in life to be like I'm not going to the NBA it's hard because like I figured out I wasn't going to the NBA at like maybe

11 do you want a serious answer yeah it fucked me up yeah I was like I just realized this that like all of us mortals who didn't play D1 definitely came to grips with it very young. I mean, serious answer, my problems with depression and shit stem from that. I was six foot tall when I was 12 years old. Oh, shit.

I was 6'4", in eighth grade, like that's how i got on the aau team i was on in the first place was like we formed an eighth grade and i was on fucking real as an eighth grader because i was six four and could shoot threes and everyone thought i was going to be like kevin love basically what kevin love became was what i was on track to be oh that would fuck you up and so i was like in eighth grade like scoring like 25 points a game and and people were like yeah and i'm from a part of the country where like if you're good at basketball you're like there's eyeballs on you in the community and like i'm going to like high school games and like high school girls are coming up and talking to me when i'm like in junior high and i'm like holy fucking shit were you getting scouted yeah holy shit and then i got yeah that would

fuck and then ninth i was like i'm six four and eighth grade so i'll probably be like six ten six and then like ninth grade i was like all right i'm six four ninth grade so all right i'm six four and tenth grade okay i'm six wait wait wait and then like you know like when i was in eighth grade i was like taller than everybody so i'd i'd dominate shit and then uh yeah just slowly people started like catching up to me. And then I like realized I'm not really that athletic. I was just big. Oh shit.

And then I, I hit like, like my junior year of high school. I just like, yeah, I was like, fuck. It was like my junior year of high school was like,

Oh fuck. That's it. That was my junior year of high school. I was like, Oh fuck. Oh man. And at that point, um,

my, my identity was, was like, oh, fuck. Oh, man. And at that point, my identity was like, I'm the kid in town that everyone knows is like the great athlete. And suddenly I was like, I'm not as great as I was supposed to be. This sucks. Damn. That's the real answer. So then I became very self-deprecating. That led me to Barstool Sports, pissing my pants on life. Oh.

Damn. Yeah, it never even dawned on me. deprecating that yeah it's a barstool sports pissing my pants on like oh so damn yeah i never even never even dawned on me like most people you know it it happens very early no i legitimately did think when i was like in sixth grade and i know a lot of people think that but like i it wasn't yeah you had reason it wasn't just me it was like the the adults around me yeah my parents were never like you're going to the nba and if you don't you're a failure but like i just felt like an insane pressure i was like yeah you're gonna be something like yeah you're you're different you were getting right special treatment from like random people right yeah yeah i would i would like my eighth grade games would be packed yeah pat like the

whole fucking school is like coming to our eighth grade games and i was uh yeah i don't know yeah because i remember it's way better it'd be way better to be like five years old. Yeah, no. When I was in Little League, I was like, all right, so I'm like the sixth best guy on my team, and there's five teams, and there's – like I did the math in my head, and I was like, oh, never mind. Yeah. Yeah, I was depressed when I got cut from the seventh grade baseball team.

Yeah. That was a rude awakening. Yeah. Damn. Anyway. Sorry. No, I'd rather be here than that That was a rude awakening. Yeah. Damn. Sorry. I'd rather be here than NBA anyway. NBA sucks. If you actually add up all the money they lose to taxes and

shit, it's like... You're saving money. Yeah. It's crazy. And you only get like three months off. You're away from your family, flying across the country to play these games. And it's like, no thank you. You got to do commercial deals. No thank you.

Right. I'd rather be here for sure. That would be, yeah. That would be hell. Yeah, you couldn't have done the home run stream. A fart eliminator. Yeah. Case race.

Jalen Brown, I think, probably is like, I don't want to be on Team USA. I want to do a case race. I would love to do a case race. I'd give anything do a case race. I would love to do a case race. I'd give anything to do a case race. I'd trade it all for a case race. Okay, well, that was depressing. I'm sorry. Yeah, it made me feel sad.

It's okay. Kate, you got your friend? Bring him in. Kate's got a friend. Andrew! Andrew. Andrew! Andrew!

No pee. Okay, he's coming. This is Andrew Collin. He's got a friend. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Okay, he's coming. This is Andrew Collin. He's a comedian. And we've been friends online for a while. I've never actually met him until today, but he's in town for his bachelor party. Hello, hello. Yeah, you can sit.

Oh, your bachelor party? That's why you're in town? Where should he sit? Yeah, that's fine. That's a great spot. Great seat. Pull the mic over. Put your headphones on. Wait, so what do you have? I know you're here for your bachelor party. What do you have planned Yeah, so that's fine. That's a great spot. Pull the mic over, put your headphones on.

Wait, so what do you have? I know you're here for your bachelor party. What do you have planned? Cubs game? Cubs game, left field bleachers. Fuck yes. Nice. Boat, Lake Michigan.

Hell yes. But we found out our boat got in a wreck yesterday. Oh. And they're like, they sent us two of the shittiest boats you've ever seen. Their backup boat. So we don't know what we're going to do. It's tough. It's really tough out of the shittiest boats you've ever seen. Their backup boat. So we don't know what we're going to do. It's tough. It's really tough out there.

Well, then you're not too worried. You can't party too hard on a backup boat. You'll be fine. You party harder, I think, on a backup boat. Wait, they have to give you two boats because the other boat was bigger? A choice of. Oh, but you still get. You still can fit everyone on one boat.

Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. But, yeah, the boat wrecked. I'm a little nervous i don't really party like i did when i should have had a bachelor party right i'm 44 okay jersey jerry was like if you need a strip club i know one a lot of latinas yeah there's not chicago's not great for strip

clubs that's why i yeah wait why not safeguard yourself Yeah, smart. I don't need the temptation. I did plenty of that in my 20s. There is one called the Landing Strip, though, in Indiana. It's not far away. How far of a drive? Like 25 minutes. I feel like the farther I drive, the more my fiance will hate me. It's like I drove an hour and a half to see some anime.

Yeah, that's true. You know? If it's a strip club, it's like we were leaving the bar. It was like across the street. We thought, what the hell Yeah, crossing state lines too I brought back a gun too Yeah, if you have to travel more than 20 minutes for a strip club

It's the wrong move Okay, don't go there I felt like Vegas, everyone's like why don't you do Vegas I just feel like 130 degrees I have a take on Vegas bachelor parties I think they're very overrated because Vegas, it's really hard. The best bachelor parties I've been on have all been when the group can stay together.

Yeah. Vegas, you can never stay together. Like you just, everyone goes different ways. Like, you know, if someone wants to play blackjack, not everyone can stand at the blackjack table. And then all of a sudden you're like, I went on a bachelor party with all my friends and I saw one of them for like 10 minutes. Yeah. I also, I'm not like into EDM music. I don't want to go to a club.

I'm like. You should have gone to the Sphere though. That doesn't look sick. You just went to it, right? Yeah, I went to the Sphere, yeah. And you saw the dead? Yeah, it was fucking awesome. I've seen them not in the Sphere, but.

Well, then you haven't seen them. It's not the same. Yeah, I mean. It's a different vibe. Did you partake in mushrooms or acid? Oh, yeah. Acid or? Mushrooms.

Yeah. Chocolate. What did you say, Brandon? That's all they fucking talk about, these two guys. Sphere would kill you. You feel left out? Sphere would cripple you. All they care about is the sphere.

You couldn't handle the sphere. You would not. I can handle it. You're not built for the sphere. You're not built for the sphere. You are not built for the sphere. It's a circular building with TVs. I can handle that.

First of all, it's spherical. It's not circular. Oh, he would get vertigo. First of all, it's spherical. It's not circular. Oh, he would get vertigo. He'd be one of the people that got it. He'd puke everywhere. No, it would fuck him up. He'd fall over the balcony. Right.

Yeah, and die. For sure, and die. Die. He'd die. What band would you want to see? At the Sphere? Yeah. I'm not a band guy.

Gin Blossom. Gin Blossom's Creed, yeah. Any of the 90s bands. Creed at the Sphere would be fucking awesome. Creed? Come on. That's a good one. Yeah, I yeah so any of the 90s bands creed at the sphere would be fucking awesome come on that's a good yeah i would watch any of those three doors down any any band from like from like 95 to 04 i would watch the sphere do you forget the band is there i feel like sometimes yeah you forget to watch the band yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. They just happen to be there. Yeah. Yeah. You look down. You're like, oh, shit.

They're here. There's I'm there. Yeah. Wait. So you're a comedian. You live in L.A. You have a podcast. I do.

Who's the podcast with? I just do it with my fiance. That is your fiance. Yeah. So I was I followed you when Kate said you're coming in. I was like, is this one of those like dudes that does a podcast with his girlfriend i know how's that uh it's great i find them very interesting god damn because i know she's hot oh respectfully respectfully yeah respectfully she's hot yeah she

caught me when my career was going better oh nice yeah oh that's fucking awesome yeah she didn't know how bad it was you cash get. You cashed in early. Yeah, I cashed in. But, like, because I do find them fascinating. Like, is it difficult? Like, do you guys talk about issues and shit? Yeah. Whoa.

And I honestly feel like... You should go to a strip club for the content. I think that's a good out. Yeah. Just be like, I wanted to have a... Why were you there for seven hours? Well, I just... You need something to talk about. I need something. Yeah. I'm tired of talking good out. Yeah. Just be like, I wanted to have a- Why were you there for seven hours? Well, I just- You need something to talk about.

I need something. Yeah. I'm tired of talking about dishes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's smart. No, it definitely- We could be in a fight in real life, and then it's like-

We got to record. Yeah, it's tough. Sometimes. Get tired of her shit. Yeah, I mean- Yeah. Sometimes you got to lay down the law, you know? You really do.

By that, it's just- They recently got robbed at gunpoint as a couple. Oh, that's fun. It's a special moment, right? Group activities. Yeah, it was fun. Where? In Venice, California, by the beach where you don't think you'll be robbed.

Well, Gavin Newsom's got that whole state. Yeah. I'm on a conspiracy kind of thing. How deep are you in? I'm getting deep. Real deep. But keep going. It never ends, though. Yeah but keep going it never ends though yeah

no it never ends um he earlier said that jfk's driver might have shot him oh there is that one video it's the passenger right he turns no it's the driver tj can you find the video that's how deep he is what i was trying to tell you i already shot himself that's what i read could be if you show me a video Where in Venice? Where in Venice? Like right by Abbot Kinney Like right by the main street Mark used to live there I used to I don't like to talk about it

But I did Used to live out there 5pm Walking back with my fiance A car rolled up Reversed She said that's weird Guy got out on a ski mask

Gun drawn Oh Jesus No shit I fought him to death Yeah No I ran like a pussy. Yeah, what did you say? Because everyone in their head is like,

I'm not going to fucking give up my life. What do you think you all would have done? I would have given up my shit. I would have emptied my pockets, took my pants off, and over and spread my- I would have hit the guy with her. And depending on the day, you would have made a lot of money.

You put a ski mask on, and you're like, let's fucking get into this together. I had a watch on. I don't usually wear a watch, but it's like like a silver omega but it's not like crazy yeah but i think that's what they were after i would die did you try to talk to him bro i ran i didn't run away i grabbed my fiance's hand and because i'm a comedian i was like go go gotta like run run like intense like right out of a fucking movie why Why is that a comedian thing? Because she didn't believe that I was really.

She thought he was joking. Oh, got it. So she goes, you kidding? Are you kidding? Are you fucking with me? Oh. Are you fucking with me? And I'm like, I'm going to get murdered.

And I was like, Uncut Gems, Sandler played serious, like this is serious, you know? And I start running with her. She finally starts running. And she goes to go around the pole, but I held her hand. And she runs right into the pole. Oh, was it funny, though? Hilarious.

Yeah. Like, yackety-sack started playing. She didn't go backwards? Bro, she spun around. Oh, that is funny. If you're ever going to get shot to death. The robber's laughing. I swear to God, I think it saved our lives

Because the robber was like Oh she's retarded I can't rob a retard That's the only reason why she's with him Like she's that hot Like obviously she has something wrong I'm like you gotta get up I can't get shot

She's on the ground She's on the ground bleeding Bro like It was Wait so wait This was after they had taken your wallet no so i ran right away wait you saw them getting out of the car booked and you booked it booked it and were they coming after you i didn't look like everyone's like what do you look like what i was i just started running straight so y'all didn't get robbed you were able to get out you didn't get robbed allegedly oh yeah yeah i. Or not allegedly. That's the wrong word.

They might have just been cold. Hold on. Time out. You saw some robbers. Okay. You happened to see some robbers. Were you walking in front of a bank? It could have been the bank.

Yeah, I didn't think of that. Were you watching a movie? Yeah. Come in and have the most dramatic moment of your life belittled. So we get shot. Are you happy? Like, yeah. So you got away with it.

So I got her up. I was like, you got to go. And I was like, I was going to, thinking back, I was like, I wish I threw her over my shoulder. I got to carry her. So her head protected my back. Yeah. You know? So no, but we start running and she finally gets up and I look back and they're gone.

But she doesn't know that. And she's yelling, help, help in the middle of the street. Like a little bit. It was a little embarrassing. Yeah. You know what I mean? And because you didn't get robbed. You got you saw Robert.

I saw. I was around a robbery. Yeah. Yeah You know what I mean Again because you didn't get robbed You got You saw a robber I saw a robber I was around a robber Yeah And we Random two bros Like the bro-iest guys You've ever

We're in a 4Runner And we just jumped in their car It's always the bros Yeah They saved us Yeah Wait so did they rob anyone So this is

The interesting thing Is that we called the cops The bros called the cops for us Yeah And You didn't have your phone They robbed it No Again So this is the interesting thing is that we called the cops. The bros called the cops for us. Yeah. And you didn't have your phone. They robbed it. No. Again, not robbed.

Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm such a. You were a damsel in distress. Yeah. They had to call for you. So what was it?

My fingers from running cramped up. Okay. Yeah. They didn't have to call. I guess. Yeah. I was like, I don't need the cops. They're like, no to call i guess yeah i was like i don't need the cops they're like no we'll call i was like all right take care so they call and then a fire truck comes cops don't even fucking come the fire trucks i know and then i was like i went to a firefighter i was like who shot jfk no they like bandaged her knee and there was like five

hot firefighters and i was like this is not that's how her knee and it was like five hot firefighters. And I was like, this is not. That's how porn starts. And they were like, did the guys take anything? And you're like. My dick. Yeah, exactly. My masculinity. They're like, did you call the cops? I was like, nah.

The bros did. The bros did. Who I found, I saw them the next day, actually, randomly. And they thought I was kidnapping her. Oh. Which is a nice twist yeah and they were like cool with it and it makes me think like they were like hey i got you yeah wait so we back to the robbers yeah did they rob anyone so we checked the citizen app i don't know

you haven't checked before that did you see them like in the background like run away back in the car so they came out they got out ski mask gun yeah people go what what what race were they and i was like i can't tell they had a schema and i was they're black but like you can't like for some reason i feel awkward by the way to hold a gun you know anyways but anyhow i'm not not, whatever. You're fine. You're fine. No, I'm Jewish. If I got out, that's what, yeah. Yeah. Not all robbers. You got it.

You're okay. I'm fine. Yeah. Everything will work out. So wait, what were you asking? Now I forgot. They got out of the car. They got out of the car, gun drawn.

Towards you. Before they say a word, I took off. Towards you? Right towards me How far away were they? 30 feet Was there anyone Was there like a guy

Standing behind you With a cash Like a bag of cash There was a guy With a nicer watch Yeah No it was definitely It was you

It was a quiet street I don't think it was you I don't think it was you Were you standing like In a target range? Who the fuck Turned around And Were you standing like in a target range? Who the fuck Turned around and was like It's a gun range

You were in a gun range The more you guys are talking You know I was in a Cadillac My question was did you see them like drive off Essentially I never saw them Here's the honest thing When it all happened because it happened so quick

I question I like gaslighted myself Into wondering if it ever really happened Yeah I'm starting to think no You think I made it up to get on the fucking He's got a video from inside the fire truck With his He's sitting there looking so sad

Oh I had to get content Oh yeah Of course You know I'm glad you guys are okay But you saw the citizen I don't think they were ever in danger But yeah I'm glad you guys are okay. But you saw the citizen. I don't think they were ever in danger, but yeah, I'm glad you're okay. Yeah, it wasn't even a gun.

I think the guy was just asking for directions, and it was an N95 mask. He was worried about COVID. Yeah, he's like, where's J. Crew? He said. I guess that is good you ran. I probably wouldn't have run. I probably would have stood and just handed him everything. I know.

Yeah, I didn't. First, you don't really have anything. I probably would have stood and just handed him everything. I know. Yeah, I didn't. First, you don't really have anything. No one carries cash anymore. They want the watch. It would have took two minutes to go in and out. That's the thing with them. They want a bag. You have a nice bag, I think.

Yeah. No one holds money. They don't want your phone. That's track. They could track that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so the Citizen app.

Two hours later, we check it and another guy. Maybe this was the guy they were trying to rob. But he got his watch stolen. Silver watch stolen at gunpoint by two guys. Same street. It was just. Yeah. Damn.

Silver watch. Yeah. Background. It was Silver Watch Bandits. Silver Watch. Yeah. I know. Gavin Newsom.

Yep. There you go. I don't know anything about politics. No, I don't either. I'll see that. Yeah There's Silverwatch Bandits Silverwatch Yeah I know Gavin Newsom Yep I don't know anything about politics No I don't either Us either We like to speculate Yeah I'm just Definitely Gavin Newsom Might have been Gavin Newsom

I don't know how it works Yeah You say Oh California Gavin Newsom Gavin Newsom with Biden's economy Yeah man Buzzwords

Man Just buzzwords Yeah man Fucking Biden's old, you know? So that made a good podcast, I would assume. Yeah, that actually was a pretty... Yeah. That was our number one listen. Yeah, you might be addicted.

Like, you got to start doing some other shit. You got to get in tough spots. I'll talk to the guys. We could stage one right now. Just do some crazy shit. That's why I did my bachelor party in Chicago. Yeah. How many guys? I mean, it was i think two no no i mean we've scarred you for life now yeah you're gonna walk out just being like god damn it

yeah it's like 12 guys and like six of them are like still after it, and the other six don't drink. So it's going to be a- Interesting mix. Yeah. And I'm somewhere in the middle. I would assume they're from all parts of your life? Yeah. Do they all know each other?

No. Oh. That's fun. I'm a little worried. Yeah. Because there can be- I could see- Who are you most worried about? You can say his name.

Rusty. Rusty. Oh, that's a name. I'm worried worried about? You can say his name. Rusty. Rusty. Oh, that's a name. Yeah, you're fine. I'm worried about Rusty. We're all worried about Rusty. Is he a drinker or not? He's a drinker?

Yes. Oh, no. Is Rusty a drinker? Yeah, Rusty. My ex-real estate business partner. Yeah, so you were telling me about your real estate career. Can you tell them what you told me? Because it's very funny.

I assume this was in the 2006, 2007, 2008 range? 2005. Okay. I was living in LA. I was going to be a producer. I was living in market, uh, Redondo beach,

Redondo beach. Yeah, I know that. But to be a producer in West Hollywood, which is brutal. I didn't look into it. Yeah. I like read like one.

I, I went, I like failed miserably, ended up back in new Orleans, uh, for a party. And I failed miserably. Ended up back in New Orleans for a party, and I had an overdose from cocaine. Mild overdose. Okay. Not fentanyl? The old school?

Old school. Old school overdose. Yeah, I asked for fentanyl. They gave me cocaine. Yeah, this fentanyl had some cocaine in it. Old school. And I went to the heart ward for three days. Wait, what's a mild overdose? It's heart murmur, if you will.

Your business plans were too good? You were pitching everyone at 4 a.m.? Yeah. But I ended up in the... They're like, wait, this makes way too much sense. You might be overdosing. I was talking to a stripper on Lake Pontchartrain about Socrates. I like you.

Yeah. And yeah, it was... She had some good points. I was talking to a stripper on Lake Pontchartrain about like Socrates. I like you a lot. Yeah. And yeah, it was, she had some good points. Yeah. You know, you do a lot of coke when you're not there to fuck the stripper. You're just there to- Just to have a conversation. Yeah. Hear her out.

Hear her life story. Oh, maybe you should, you know, go back to grad school. Wait, so you had, you went to the hospital? Went to the hospital for three days ran up an eight thousand dollar bill oh jesus went back so i was like all right maybe la is done uh so i never did anything in la i failed miserably and then i drove back to florida and got into real estate right when the boom happened and i sold one piece of land for 60 acres for like 7.8 million and i made like 300 grand i went from living at my mom's

to who just recovered from a mild overdose to having like 300 000 and i went i bought a tundra oh no i bought a tundra i'm a jew i bought a tundra with like spinners like big like the biggest rims like a 40 inch rims and then i tried i like, what am I doing? And I traded it in like three weeks later for like an old AMG Mercedes. And my buddy's a used car dealer. He's coming on this trip. And he's like, you need seven grand difference. And I took it out in cash. Oh, my God.

So you just lost seven grand. Brown bag. And I threw it at his face. And it fell to him. There's no better feeling in my life. It's off one real estate deal. One real estate deal. But I had another deal under contract where I was going to make like a million.

You just never thought it would end. Yeah. I never looked into it. You were just describing the big short. I love this. We were like the big short if we didn't know math. Like dumber than this. Me and Rusty, I watched that show.

Like neither me or Rusty could tie a tie you know and so we end up I bought a condo for 220 grand that six months later was worth 60,000 so my car got repoed from my dad's house and my condo got

short sold where they gave you $1,800 something kind of felt like a win even though I was down like 70 grand you know And my condo got short sold where they gave you $1,800. Some kind of felt like a win, even though I was down like 70 grand, you know? And so, yeah, so that didn't go well. And then the deal didn't go through. And then, yeah, I just, then I was like, I got into real, it's weird. I got into like, I know I was going to be a creative. I went to New York City and then I was working for my brother's company, had a panic attack,

went back to Florida. Did anything good ever happen? Nothing. I've been stabbed by a Navy SEAL. What? Hell yeah. Why? I burnt down my fraternity house. Which killed my girlfriend's cat. I feel so much better about my life. You want me to go through?

I fell through a glacier. That one doesn't make it. You doesn't make it reverse forrest gump yeah yeah yeah it's like benjamin button yeah so you got stabbed by a navy seal are you dwight shrewd did you kill you killed your girlfriend's cat yeah yeah well how'd that happen which one the stabbing no that's the cat the cat i like to blame the cat yeah, yeah, he can't speak for himself now. I took all nine lines. Yeah. Yeah, he might have been the guy in the ski mask. Yeah.

No, I was in my frat at Pike at Tulane in New Orleans, and my friends fucked my room up, so I put up like a light, like on a ladder, like a construction light. Sure. And I went to dinner, and I think the cat again i wasn't there but knocked the lamp over yeah and it caught it was a very oh the cat and the fire happened in the same one yeah oh two for one you didn't know you're gonna bogo oh man, buy one that got the dead, I don't know, whatever.

You fried up the cat. It didn't fry. Oh, no. I feel like that, so the house burned down. I came back from dinner, and there was a 50-foot flame out my window, and I look at the girl driving. I go, just keep driving. So I switched schools.

No, no. She went back, and there was like 300 people outside. I think that story's more burning down an entire fraternity house than killing a cat. Than what? I think it's. Yeah. The cat is like, whatever. The small fire down the house.

The big lead there is you burn down the house. The cat is like an ancillary detail. The cat could have actually gotten out. We don't know. It's a ricochet. Now that you say that, six of my fraternity brothers died. No, shut up. They were pledges, so it's fine.

No, they actually ended up getting kicked off campus for burning kids with, what is that? A brand? No. Oh, no. kids with uh what is that um a brand no uh oh no they actually i think with like fire oh i forget exactly what it is but they used to put crab oil on us which was crazy but oh crab oil yeah yeah that was what's crab oil you can only get it off with milk yeah all right add it to the wheel right now. Crab oil. Crab oil. Yeah. Yeah, so that fired. Then a cop came out with the cat holding it, going, whose cat is this?

Whose cat? And I was like, fuck, this is embarrassing. Was it burned up? Everyone knows I own a cat, huh? Was it burned up? No, it died from smoke. So it got out of the room. Oh. It might have been smoking before.

Oh, man. Dude, it felt like Price is Right, you know? How did it feel like Price is Right? You know, when you're like, come on down. No, I know that. It felt like, come on down to get your cat. Yeah, okay. And then I said, it's my cat.

And he goes, what do you want me to do with it? And I was like. Throw it back in the fire. So I was looking to the audience for, yeah, throw it back in the fire. Burn it up. And he just threw it in the garbage like Kobe. Oh.

Just shot it. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then I saw, who sings Cherry Pie? That's Warrant. I saw them that night. And that like made up for it. Yeah, for sure.

Absolutely made up for it. Yeah. So anyhow. But yeah, that's pretty much. I'm worried about your bachelor party now. Yeah. But that's who I used to be. Yeah, I don't think it's, I think Rusty's walking around being like you.

Everybody's worried about you. I got plenty of stories of Rusty. Rusty had a mohawk that he would comb over when we had business meetings. He had sparkles on his face at a convention from a strip club. Like trying to have a serious meeting with fucking sparkles on his face at a like convention from a strip club like like trying to have a serious meeting with like fucking sparkles on his face with a combed over mohawk with a combed over

mohawk damn he he's a character i'm worried yeah i'm worried about him worried about my buddy kelly kelly yeah yeah his dad was a monster oh had a seaplane that he'd fly like a foot over our head in Florida. Had a helicopter that he crashed drunk and ran away. He ran away from a drunk. If I crashed a helicopter, I would definitely run away. Yeah, you have to. I don't think I'd stay around, leave a note. That's true. No one else was hurt.

Yeah. You know? That's going to be a whole problem. Yeah. It's got gotta be a relief Like the first like hour That you're away from it Being like man

Thank god I got away Oh dude Yeah you know You crash a chopper Your life's going well enough To have a helicopter Yeah it's true You can buy yourself out of it

I think Do you want to try the gauntlet? Yeah I'm a little nervous about it I'm thinking I'll pull a hammy But I'm down That's okay It'll be fine. What's the best time?

126. 126. Damn, who got that? The worst time is like nine minutes, though. Was it like your golf 59? No, I for real got it. It was fire, yeah. And also my golf was real.

I know. I've seen you. I know. I know. I've seen you. I'm just busting your balls back for you saying I didn't really get robbed. You didn't. I didn't.

Yeah, but you'd have to lose something. All right, so this is the record? You're not going to get the record, but you can get a good time. And you know how to do the sporkle? Yeah, you got to get 10. Yep. What comedian? What's the best comedian ever?

The best comedian? I think it might have been Sam Talent. Really? I think Sam Talent crushed it. Absolutely crushed it. Yep. There he is. 237. 237. He was doing it for his dad.

Oh, I think he's still alive. What happened to his dad? No, I think he's still alive. He just said that his dad would be proud. Yes. This really is. If you only played high school sports, this is our Super Bowl. Yeah, no, it's fun. It's just like you got to.

Julio, 329. The goalie I've noticed has gotten considerably better. Yes. I've watched it. Beast. Is he here? Should I text him? Yeah, no, he's here.

I just saw him walk by. He's an absolute beast. Soder ran it. Yeah, 4-9. I forgot Soder ran it. Yeah. 4-9. I forgot soda ran it. Yeah. He ran into trouble on the three. I saw that one.

That's right. That's right. What do you think is going to be your toughest part? What are you going to struggle with? I don't know. The more I'm talking about it, the more it's making me anxious. Getting in your head. Yeah.

I bought a wiffle ball bat to see if I should swing one hand or two hands. I bought a wiffle ball bat and I was alone in the park just swinging a bat with them all bad. Oh, you're ahead of the game. You're going to be great. All right. Should I? I don't know. All right, warm it up.

Oh, here he comes. Here comes the goalie. Is that all his whole job? Yes. That's all he does. You ask him, yes. Yes. If he makes more than $45,000 a year just doing that, I'm.

He makes way more than that he is good and you can't pick up the bags till it starts till the time starts okay but yeah they're ready for you all right all right bachelor party weekend kicking it off right you're gonna crush it and they'll walk you through it too they'll tell you where to go next bachelor party weekend, kicking it off, right? You're going to crush it? And they'll walk you through it, too. They'll tell you where to go next. Hank has bicep tendonitis. Oh, he does officially? Yeah, that's what he said.

He's not playing. It's been a hard summer, man. Do you guys have numbers? I think we have just enough. But our game's at 10 p.m. I might come out. You should come out. We could use you. When is it, tonight?

Yeah, 10 p.m. game, Hank out with Bicep. I might think about it. Where is it? North Ave? Lincoln Park. Lincoln Park Fields. Right next to the zoo. Yeah, North Ave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Ready, Andrew? Okay. We need a pitcher. All right. Three, two, one, go. Okay.

Oh, wow. Start. Start. Oh, Wow. Start. Oh shit! Wow. Oh shit! Uh oh. Celebrating. Nope, ceiling.

Should I be concerned? Yeah. Football, football! No, no, you're good. You're good. You're good, you're good. Okay. I don't know. That was a really hot start. Oh, football might throw him off.

There's no way he's crushing Sporkle. Oh. After all those travesties. Yeah. I just love meeting anyone who, like, actually lived, like, the stereotype of the recession. Very, very fascinating. Because I always think, like, oh, someone banked in. It's like, yeah, that's him.

I love that he's like, we couldn't even do basic math. Dude, he's rushing this. Okay. Oh, no. rushing this okay oh no a lot of arc that first shot was so good yeah awesome he's gathering himself. Oof. Oh, no. The big short all over again. Oh, no. Oh no This went from a great time

To tragedy Absolute tragedy Oh no Hurry up You're getting robbed Oh no His buddy was filming How do you make the first shot Such a nice swish To this

No This poor guy Oh This is getting funny This is getting funny This poor guy. Oh. This is getting funny. This is getting funny. This is getting very funny. No, this is getting very funny.

This is insane. I don't want him to make it. This is making me sad. Because it's rare to see someone who can actually make the rim miss this many times. He started so hot. Usually it's a Jeff D. Lowe situation where it's like they're not even close. He's all over it. All over it.

He made his very first shot. An entire minute has gone by in his basket now. Oh. Hey! Sport goal. You got it. You're still having a good time. Oh, here we go. Nine teams in Florida. NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL.

You're from Florida. Oh, my God. You had a wreck. Rip the Florida teams. All right. Sports room. Rip the Florida teams. Okay.

Where is that? Five? Nine teams in Florida. Okay. Panthers. Dolphins. Marlins. Buccaneers, Magic, Jaguars.

Yep. Oh, he had a cupcake. What the hell am I missing? What else? Denmark, country's highest antidepressant. Right, Norway. What else? Denmark. Country's highest antidepressant. Right? Norway.

No? Two sports where one player wears a different jersey from the rest of the team. Hmm. I don't know. You definitely reversed that country's question. Lower muscles targeted in a squat. Your glutes. Your glutes. Your hamstrings.

Hamstrings. Your calves. Oh. Quads. I think you just need one more after this. Got it. 420. Seriously?

420. 420. That was brutal. It was tough. You started off so hot. Got it. 420. Seriously? 420. 420. That was brutal. It was tough. You started off so hot. Blazing hot. Has anyone fell apart that hard after having? Yeah, we had one guy, Two Phones Brett, broke the record for being on the court.

He did the on the court stuff in like 50 seconds, and it took him six minutes to do the sporkle so yeah we've had a couple yeah that was brutal andrew i'm so sad right now yeah because it was going to be legendary i was actually nervous about my time i gotta admit it's the funniest thing you can do yo no we were saying when you you were we've had people who can't hit the shot but it's like they've never shot a basketball and they're not even close you were close on every shot you just missed it was weird i wasn't sometimes my nerves get the best of you you can't feel your hands the whole time i was fine yeah and then i got to the final shot i couldn't feel my you went no that's when i went numb yeah you beat will compton pat bev and kim

newton yeah that's that's big you're doing honestly that is big it's pretty good what the hell was happening damn it you know i tried the best i could went out there are all your friends watching so they can roast you the second you get Went out there Are all your friends watching So they can roast you The second you get to your Airbnb Or your It's like one of those things too It's like

I could just point at the I could just show them The first half Yeah They don't have to know this It's kind of like when Who was it The Falcons that were up like

Yeah Yeah 28 to 6 or whatever 28 to 3 28 to 3 Yeah Show the first half Yeah

Your kids don't have to see the second half. Yeah. No. All right, so Cubs game tomorrow. Yeah. I mean, I'll probably put on the Jumbotron and made fun of, you know, this is going to go insanely viral for sure. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Huge. Yeah, you're fucked, dude. Yeah. I'm definitely going to get robbed. Yeah. Where'd Brennan go? Probably. I, I'm definitely going to get robbed. Yeah. Where'd Brenna go?

Probably. He probably got Chick-fil-A. He just walks away. What else? You have the Puddles podcast. And do you have any tour dates coming up or anything? Do you still? Yeah, I still tour.

I don't have anything. I'm making dates for the fall right now. Yeah. I go on the road with Nikki Glaser and Hannah Burner. Yeah. Hell yeah. Heather McMahon sometimes. Nice. A lot of women come here yeah what's up with that i just i'm not a creep yeah you know that's usually what creeps say right thanks in your defense stand-up is full of like actual creeps Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of very weird.

I mean, the world's full of creeps. That's true. But they're concentrated in that field. Man, I just keep going over that. You're playing it in your head. Yeah, no, it was bad. It'll haunt you. From my seat, it was bad.

But I literally, I made the second throw. You made the first. The first soccer kick. Yeah, you made the first the first soccer kick yeah you made your first basketball shot too first basketball swish yeah and i played high school ball i know he's a great basketball player i've seen you shoot he was until about 11th grade and then what happened 11th grade like things kind of fell off stop growing yeah wait that your parents put you on like Ritalin Yeah I got put on Bean white Yeah

And you went to a bigger Found out you were a white No Yeah Yeah I don't know I was like 6th man Or 7th Maybe 8th

Maybe 9th man No that's gotta be more frustrating Than what Jeff Dulo went through Yeah Like I said Like you were It wasn't like you were a bad shooter You touched every inch of the rim

Yeah That was You just got ice cold At the worst possible time Well my arms Like I said went numb And I was tired I didn't breathe Forgot to breathe

Yeah that's important And I shot a lot of air balls Which I'm going to get roasted Oh yeah we can make a clip of those I was literally making fun of Soder's air balls The other day And karma Yeah there it is

I mean you know it's one of those things where, again, I'm going to show the first three, four-fifths of this. Tonight the office is dark. Everyone's gone. He's still sitting here. And my hands went numb. You don't understand how this is going to mess with me. No, we got it.

I guess you forgot the first four-fifths of this. The guy that talks shit. I don't know about four-fifths. Four-fifths challenge? It didn't help you yelling in my ear, coach. I was giving it a go the whole time. I didn't realize you were saying it. No, you're supposed to blame game.

I like it. He's in a Howie Long jersey looking like Howie Long. A young Howie. Well, not that young. No, don't say that. Don't say that. A Howie now young. No, but even that's well not that yeah don't say that and howie now young no but even that's a compliment we don't do a younger howie and like 60. that's the one rule to give you walk in the show don't compliment Brandon today.

Don't compliment Brandon today. We should get that. Yeah, we all tap it when we walk in. That was the biggest choke in the history, probably. Of sports, yeah. Of sports. You still beat Cam Newton and all that, right? Yeah. Yeah, but they're not trying.

He's wearing a hat. He's like wearing a funky hat. Cam Newton carries a lot of water for the gauntlet. He does. He really helps a lot of people out. You think he's of water for the gauntlet he does really helps a lot of people i think he's ever thought about the gauntlet no i don't think he thought about it after his foot hit the the wood yeah i think there's a world where he comes back in here in like a year you want to do the gauntlet you want to do the gauntlet he's like oh cool this looks fun yeah and then he

gets like four minutes like we beat you beat kim yeah yeah but that's the thing though he like won a did he win a heisman he won a heism won a Heisman. He won a Heisman. I played – I had one touchdown senior year in high school. Like, this is – You both played football? To me, this is everything. To him, this is a Tuesday. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Not even a Tuesday. Not even a Tuesday. It's like he accidentally stumbled into this. Yeah. That's absolutely true. Can someone do the high noon ad read? I can't.

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As always, the high noon pool pack is made with real vodka and real juice, has 100 calories, is gluten-free, and has no added sugar. Visit highnoonspirits.com to find a pack near you. Mook, were you catfished? Sort of. How do you sort of get catfished? Sounds like you were catfished. We got into it on anus, and people are up in arms about about it and I don't want to get too deep into it.

But basically there was someone on. I just want to say for the record before you start the story. Yeah. I would never poke holes in a traumatic experience. No. Ever. Never. You have my back.

I would never do that. I don't know. I played Fortnite with someone who I thought was a hot girl that may or may not have been a dude or a different girl. Were you jerking off? No, this is one time. Either dude or fat girl. Basically. Could you hear the voice?

Yes. So it was a girl. It sounded like a girl, yeah, but it could have definitely been a guy that mastered a girl voice. How do you know that it was a catfish? It was like a whole thing on Twitter. They got called out. Trust me, there's a can of worms. So you're not alone

here. No, I wasn't even a victim. This was one time. There were people that knew this girl from online and they've had a talking relationship or friendship for three years now. So people are heavily invested in this catfish story. We talked about it on Anus yesterday.

Got it. Came out today. But you weren't like, they're like, maybe there's a hope here. You were just playing. No, but Nick and KB are like, you were horny, Mook. You wanted to fuck this girl.

I feel like you can't officially be catfish unless you cum. Did you cum? Or mug. I did not cum. Or mug. But you can't, like, if you come to your catfish I've come to catfish before

If you come to your catfish Then I think that's where it's like Oh god what happened That's a good rule Yeah Yeah You did not come I did not come

Did you lose in Fortnite? We were on the same team Did you Was she better than you better ever think about her afterwards well no no no no okay no no um not even popped in your head nope damn that girl was so hot whenever she liked my tweets i was like fuck yeah hot girl liking my tweets. That fucked me up a little bit. She's got an avatar that's hot. Yeah. And that picture never popped in your head.

No. Doesn't add up. No. Yeah. I feel like if you definitely came. Okay, this is what he has to do. I could come to an avatar. I think if he jerks off next, don't use porn.

Go just off your memories and your brain and she'll pop up. Yeah. That's what i'm saying i think you got a raw dog it how hot does an avatar have to be before it's too hot she popped in your head at some point while jerking off just by accident i think he came yeah he totally came i did not go i did not come Did not come I'm going on vacation next week Oh Birth? Where are you going?

Myrtle Beach Same thing Nice Yeah I'm going Saturday Through Thursday Wait this Saturday? Yeah Got it

Myrtle Beach in late July Yeah kind of a fuck up Sounds like the worst It was more of like a Like a burnout thing And I'm gonna go with my dad And just do nothing for the week That's awesome Thanks I'm really pumped That's great fuck up but it was more of like a like a burnout thing and i'm gonna go with my dad and just uh do nothing for the week that's awesome i'm really pumped that's great really you get a fish fish

golf um and eat food that's the only thing on the agenda sleep yeah that sounds sleep a lot sounds like a perfect vacation great nice would it be fucked up if I brought my Xbox no to play NCAA at night to play with her very warm yeah little vacation rub I'm going to visit her actually yeah I don't think it would be fucked up to bring your Xbox

no I think it's I had to fight taking mine on my vacation so now the game is out you should take it oh you brought yours without NCAA I didn't I said to fight taking mine on my vacation, so now the game is out, you should take it. Oh, you brought yours without NCAA? I didn't. I didn't. That's the only – I said to myself, if the game were out, I would bring it. Is your dad – what time does your dad go to sleep?

Early. Right. He's going to be up at like 4 or 5 a.m. So you just can't have it be – I bet he did not. I think you can play. You just can't have it be a situation where you're now sleeping until like 11 a.m. Yeah.

That's going to be tough. Right. So that's where it's like – I can't play until be a situation where you're now sleeping till like 11 a.m yeah that's gonna be tough right so that's where it's like i can't play until 4 a.m right when he's getting yeah right yeah because then you're just wasting days but i if he goes to sleep at like nine why can't you game from 9 to 12 that's a good call a couple cocktails and fire up ncaa tommy's been cussing up a storm on fortnight oh no what's his what's his go-to what the fuck and i don't know what to do because i cuss he says what the fuck yeah he'll say what the fuck or i'm gonna fuck you up or yeah oh i hear him and then i sometimes i the first time i pretend not to hear him but then i'm like time come on come on you know your mama doesn't like

you cussing you never hear him say i like your red mustache no no i haven't heard that yet oh no mook now we got a pedophile tag on you too so what do you do with that have you had a talk not i need to i keep telling them we're going to and then we just haven't yet so it's hard because well tommy's older but like when my kids swear i make them repeat it because i laugh so hard yeah your kids are in the age where them swearing is hilarious right that's what i'm saying and then i say don't say that and they're like but why were you just laughing anything under five cussing is fucking hysterical yeah and maybe even under eight i have i have my son is old enough now that he is starting to pick up words and songs. And so I've had to change what I'm listening to.

My favorite is I say, if I draw, I'm like, ah, Jesus Christ. And my son will drop a toy and be like, Jesus Christ. And for some reason that kills me. That is funny. God bless. Brandon, I went through a phase of saying terrible things on Call of Duty. And my parents walking in on me. And it was always the most awkward.

It is awkward. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just let him swear. Well, if he's downstairs with me and the man cave, it's all bets are off.

Yeah. You should make the rule between the white lines. Yeah. When he's got the, when he's, when he's, when he's playing games, you can say whatever you want,

but the work for Myers Leonard. The problem is when he cusses, when he cusses in front of his mama, not only does he get in trouble, I get in trouble. So that's where we have to, like downstairs where the men hang out, whatever, let it fly. Fuck it, I don't care.

That's a good thing to teach him. Whatever happens in the locker room. That's exactly right. There's not any stupid ass women around. Do whatever you want. Let's have fun, enjoy ourselves. So wait, your wife does get mad when he swears? Yeah, a lot talk. Also, there's not any stupid-ass women around. Do whatever you want. Let's have fun. Enjoy ourselves. So, wait, your wife does get mad when he swears?

Yeah, a lot. Oh, no. Oh, no. Bad. She gets mad when I swear. Just during the game. Yeah. The game.

Save it. You make a little square. But he really... Swear box. Swear square, yeah. He really lets it go. I like that. He's not hitting slurs, right?

No, no, no, no. Why did you go there? Because that was big. That's big gamer stuff. You did set it up as like he really lets it go. Yeah. That's where my mind would go too. He lets it fly in the man cave. Like 90% of gamers are like 13-year-olds saying slurs.

Yeah. No, I haven't heard him ever say a slur yet, but he'll throw an F-bomb and all that shit. Especially in slurs. Yeah. No he hasn't. I haven't heard him ever say a slur yet but he'll he throw an F bomb and all that. Especially in like 2012. Yeah. I mean then a slur is fine before six right.

That's what. Yeah. I make them repeat those. Yeah. But if you teach him the alternatives that makes him a nerd. Like if he was like oh fudge.

Yeah. That's true. He's going to get roasted. He'll get crushed. Yeah. He's not. Bart. Yeah.

Yeah. Good luck with that. Yeah. He's not going to get roasted. Bart. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck with that. I guess he does play Fortnite a lot. That's cool. Yeah. That's fine. That's really cool. Okay.

Especially with like girls online. At what age does it become fine again? To swear? Yeah. It's hard with kids. It's like a six to 15. Well, it's actually, then it goes back to not fine. Back to not fine.

I think it's like fine when you're 17 to like 25, and then 25 plus, you're like, dude, what are you doing? 12 to 18, if you're cussing in front of your parents, you're on a road to crime. I still don't cuss in front of my parents. I'm still. Oh. I'll cuss in front of my fucking mom.

Yeah, I'll say Fuck I won't Yeah My dad doesn't own me It's my house Yeah My dad's fucking dead I'll cuss on his grave Yeah I mean

We have a weird job You have a weird job too Andrew We don't work in the real world But I do remember Working in the real world If like someone swears In a real setting You're like

What is What's wrong with you What are you trying Why are you trying to act tough Yeah I know. That's probably why I wasn't good at those drills. I remember I had dried jizz on my pants one time.

Jesus. Yeah. And I was picking up an investor. And he's like, is that cum? I was like, all right. I think I'm done. This is it. That was the last day.

New career. And it was. It was cum. Yeah, he was right. He was right. Spot cum. Yeah, he's spot cum. I don't'm done. This is it. That was the last day. New career. And it was. It was cum. Yeah, he was right. He was right. Spot cum. Yeah, he's spot cum. I don't think I'll ever say it.

Yeah, I was going to say, if you see cum, do you say cum? I think to you guys, maybe, but if it was someone. I didn't know. A business partner. Because then play it out. If it is cum, that's just the most embarrassing thing ever. Ever. That's why I never go to black light bowling. I think if I knew the person, I'd be like, is it out. If it is cum, that's just the most embarrassing thing ever. That's why I never go to, like, a blacklight bowling.

I think if I knew the person, I'd be like, is that cum? Yeah, right. I don't know if I'd expect them to be like, yes. He's a very short man. Yeah. If you see cum and you don't say it, then it's going to dominate your thoughts for the rest of the time. Once you verbalize it, you've both acknowledged the cum, you can move on. That's true.

And I don't know if he was expecting to be right. Right. Right. I thought you were going to say no. Yeah, you're hoping it's like no i had yogurt yeah he's like i actually was like no it is come yeah exactly right you're the psychopath yeah yeah yeah yeah nailed it nailed it dude give him a hundred other stains you want to guess guess the state it's like cash cab yeah you're sitting there. Look at this.

All right, TJ, you want to spin the wheel? Oh, no. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Get it. Get it. Get it. There we go.

Get it. Get it. Get it. There we go. Got it. Oh, fuck. We got it. Oh, my God it Getting tough out there

Alright Try it Alright I'm out tomorrow See if You know There's a bunch of people here Donnie

We haven't had Donnie on for a while No And he's been traveling Yeah Donnie He's got his new backpack too Should do a double stream TJ He just put Mincy and Clemmer

On the Asian dating market He like went to the park With posters for them And is finding them wives Nice and clemmer on the asian dating market he like went to the park with posters for them and is finding them wives nice so clem's gonna be here next week oh yeah yeah rat race is coming out we get rat purple hat update it's been a minute i know he's i think he said it's kind of stalled out stalled out said he has at least one losing some momentum yeah got the planters nutmobile here tomorrow, too. What?

The Planters Nutmobile will be here tomorrow. The Planters Nutmobile will be here tomorrow? For mostly, yeah. Okay. And Mincy is... Well, you just said okay. That's kind of a big deal. I forgot TJ had already told me, and I actually probably said okay then, too.

Okay. It's the Planters Nutmobile. It's the Planters Nutmobile. Yeah, Mr. Peanut. Okay. It's his car. You've never brought the Planters Nutmobile to the office. Listen.

You're just bringing celebrities and shit. Planner Nutmobile, fine. Well, look it. That's going to be the office. That's pretty sweet. That guy's coming? Well, that's three people. Oh, yeah.

You know what? I'm not going to say it. You're mad that you're Planner's Nutmobile. Yeah, I think he wants to say it. No. If the Wienermobile was here, I would definitely make sure I was here. There are fewer nutmobiles than Wienermobiles. There's two nutmobiles.

There's only two nutmobiles. The Wienermobile has got a certain je ne sais quoi to it. It's a big wiener. It's a big nut. I understand, but a wiener is very funny. Have the Wienermobile and the nutmobile ever... Both of them? Yeah. Like the wiener and the nut?

We should drag race them. Yeah. Like the wiener and the nut. We should have a race. Like in the wienermobile? Yeah. We should drag race them. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be sick. All right. Okay.

See you everyone tomorrow. Thank you, Andrew. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. Have fun. I'm calling on Insta. It's the act. It's the act. Get your straws, yeah, style a tape for a while. It's the act.

It's the act. It's the act. Yeah, it's time to talk shop or do a Yankee swap. It's the act. It's the act See you tomorrow. Pugs are back tonight. Alright, love you, bud.