The Yak - Are Duggs & Frank Writing Cinema's Next Great Crime Triller?

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

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Hey Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What did you guys get for your Pollyannas today? What did you guys receive? For what? Your Pollyannas. No one else got gifts? You surely must have gotten gifts for the Pollyanna today. I don't know what word you're saying.

Pollyanna? You're like, Pollyanna? Pollyanna? What did you guys get for the Pollyanna? Do you not know what a Pollyanna is? No, no. What words are even close to Pollyanna that you could mistake that for? Well, I didn't even know that was a word alone.

We've never even heard the word before. The Pollyanna? Never heard anyone say that. Many years? No, but that was good. That's a good translation. What? Pollyanna.

Like a Pollyanna, like a gift swap. Oh, there was the gift swap. Yeah. Did no one else get anything? No. The boss lady gave me a gift swap. Oh, there was the gift swap. Yeah. Did no one else get anything? No. The boss lady gave me a gift today. What'd she get you? What?

You fucking got this. Motivational color book. Yeah. Rowan. You just went through. Thank you, Erica. Did she get that for you? Yeah.

It was called You Got This. Nah, this needs to change. That is very motivational. I can't believe no one else got anything? It's fucking weird, bro. Fuck. Yeah, exactly.

So who did you get in the gift swap? Is it a Secret Santa style thing? I got Faustuli. What'd you get him? I got him a mud cake. A mud cake, no fork, and he's just over at his desk eating it with his hands. I've traveled with him on two video shoots, and when he's thirsty, he orders a mud slide. See?

He's drank a mud slide to quench his thirst. Nobody does that. That guy likes mud. He loves mud. He's just the mud guy. He's just blasting puddle of mud all the time. Watching that Matthew McConaughey film. Wearing his mud jeans.

Where's mud? Mud was a pair of jeans. Is puddle of mud a play on, because the spelling, D-D, is meant to like be a letter swap where it's muddle of pud yo that sounds like a great euphemism for sex she muddled my pud i left her in a muddle muddle pud she hates me a puddle of mud see now we're fucking all going. Yeah, this is it. Don't get me started on it. Now we're off the fucking rails. Welcome to the Yak. Big Cat's out today, but he's here. Brandon Walker out today, but he's here too, right?

Yeah. Is he coming in or he's just out? No, he's out. Look at me teetering. Is he a masculine sitter or a feminine? Yeah. It's 2021. I always thought when I was a little kid That men that sat like this were real men

And men that sat like this were big pussies And I think it's just about your hip tightness Yeah I think you need to stretch your hip not to be a big pussy Try it Brother I'm sitting like that right now I don't like how it looks though Yeah exactly

You look like an intellectual But now you look like a fucking man's man. I know. This is the most comfortable way to sit. We have two wrestlers coming into the office today for, I forget what podcast, but we got to get them in here. We got to. I think we'll just hit it off with those boys. You know who it is?

Can we say who it is? No. They'll know when they walk in. Yeah, but there's theme music. Nicky's fanboying. I don't even like wrestling. You really want to meet these guys, though. I haven't taken advantage of any of the people that come into the office.

And then when Carmelo walked in, Kyle was just like, dude, you sound ridiculous. I was like, no. It's way cooler to be excited than to ignore. Yeah. Facts. I wanted to see. And I take it back. I changed my mind.

I wanted to see David Ortiz when he came in, but I missed him. Big Papi? Your co-worker. Yeah, Papi. You could just see him at the company meeting. See him at the happy hour. Dave, over here.

Dave's the most famous Dave we work with, unfortunately. Unfortunately, that's just how it is. Tough pill for the boss man to swallow, but he's got to do it somehow. Yeah, we should. And Kyle's not in this bitch? He train mishap. He zones out on the train, and he always ends up on 72nd every single time. It's a pretty big leap.

Yeah, it's Kyle. Yeah It's a pretty big leap. Yeah. Yeah, it's Kyle. Yeah. From 34th to 72nd. But the fact that it's always the same leap is also just makes it that much stranger. It's his muscle. I think his muscle memory

has gotten used to the mistake now. Yeah, his circadian rhythm. His circadian rhythm. He needs to ride the train barefoot to figure that out. He's got to get like Efron and just do a cartwheel on the train. Did you see the fucking video that Large posted yesterday?

No. Person just shitting on the train bench. Full train just shitting on the train bench. Large and KFC love posting those videos. Just disturbing things happening in New York. Why do they want that on other people's time? I don't know what the thought process is when people are like

oh man shitting himself on the subway in New York. They just don't want that on other people's timeline. I don't know what the thought process is when people are like, oh, man shitting himself on the subway in New York. They just don't make cities like this anymore. Where's the positive turnaround there? I thought that would be a daily thing. I haven't seen a Marriott. Oh, I saw three different people. If any stoolies are out there and want to just see me on the train and want to start cranking it, let me know. I saw three different people peeing yesterday, and one of them was a woman full.

A woman? How many women was she? One of them was a lady. I saw a woman peeing. One of them was a lady peeing outside of her office full. Like, I saw her whole cooch. You saw the top to bottom? Yes.

She was squatting, and then she got up with just no pants on. Oh, yeah. She's a regular outside of the office. I've seen her cooch. It was shocking. What's our solution to that? How do we look at the problem? Gather up all the homeless and throw them in prison.

I've heard Big T say that. Unironically. Yeah. Put them on a train. Completely unironically. We found a nice camp for them. Yeah, it's tough. It's one thing seeing a dude peeing in public because they're usually just in a corner.

This lady was just squatting right in the middle of the sidewalk. There was this one pop-up shop this past weekend I saw an article about that they put a bunch of sunflowers outside for the next day. And the next morning they were all just pissed and shit in to the point of no return. Oh yeah, where was that? Dim Square? Yeah, what Where was that? Dim square? Yeah. What square was that? Some dumbass square.

Dim. Was it actually dim square? I have no idea. Imagine how much poop would it take to take down a sunflower? The tallest and strongest flower. And poop is like the one, like flowers and like plants are the one thing that you can poop on. You'd be like, all right, there's a silver lining.

Too much poop? Yeah. Blocked out the sun like 300. Those are Persian turds. Oh my god! They must have used a lot. They must have pooped a lot into those plants. I can't imagine it. Taking down a garden

just like rat-missed bowls. It had to have been Prince Xerxes that took a shit. What would that sound like? I am a gracious shitter. I am a powerful shitter. I am a powerful shitter. So much shitter will block off the sun. Shouts to Xerxes. We are off the rails already today.

What do we got? How heavy is poop? He's got a little pep in his step. Well, that's an average poop. Search how much poop does it take to kill a sunflower. And that will redirect to my Twitter account. Poop eats sunflower. Poop.

Yeah. I weigh myself before and after shits like a couple times a week. Yeah. I'm curious about it. I'm that curious about it. I've never done that. Really? I don't have a scale.

I don't weigh myself. I badly want to get sass, A, a scale now and own. You could benefit from that. But I want it to be like when a bunch of grade school kids buy their teacher a pair of new Jordans. I want to come in and buy you some shoes, some new shoes. Yeah, they got to get new ones. We got to crowdsource some new shoes for Sass. One thing when the left one was ripping, but now the right one's got a full hole from the sole into the shoe. A full hole.

A full hole. Full, full, full. Do you know how women's bathrooms have, they'll either take down the mirror or they'll put your beautiful on the mirror? We went to a bar and I went to the men's restroom and I thought it was another motivational quote for a man on the mirror and it was just like she doesn't really want your number it said something way worse than that it was just like quit pressing

she doesn't want your number I gotta find it it's like she blocked you for a reason yeah that's what it was yeah jeez the dude who did that is definitely trying to like ward other dudes off the scent and soak up all the pussy for himself he's gonna soak up all the pussy yeah he definitely wants it all for himself and he's trying to like ward other dudes off the scent and soak up all the pussy for himself he's gonna suck up all the pussy yeah he definitely wants it all for himself and he's trying to bully other guys off the ball you can't imagine like being in the bathroom writing that down being like this is

gonna be so sick okay i'm gonna take a picture of this yeah he's just sitting in this all watching slap on instagram yeah it probably did yeah they blocked your text for a reason. I know what you did. What the fuck? That was a woman. That was a woman that did that. No self-respecting man is ever going to put that up anywhere. They made me take my hat off. So I went to the bathroom to try and wet it. And then there was no air dryer or paper towels.

Yeah, the hat. Yeah, wet the hat. So then I was just sitting in the bar. At 10 o'clock, hats come off., the hat. Yeah, with the hat. So then I was just sitting in the bar, from head to toe. At 10 o'clock. At 10 o'clock, hats come off. On the dot. Yeah. The guy comes around.

The guy comes around, he's like, hats gotta go off, it's 10. Where were you? Were you at, like, a debutante's ball or something like that? Pretty run-of-the-mill bar. White gloves on, gentlemen. Use your smallest fork for the sorbet.

Run-of-the-mill bar. We were at a little place called Brass Monkey. What's a mill bar? Shut the fuck up. We just got our prep sheet from Che. Wow, I'm more of a tactile guy. Yeah, I like paper. I know, it feels weird.

I'm not a good test taker. Printer was dead. There's only one printer in this entire office? He was the first person to ever try cheese And were they a pervert No Just hungry I mean it wasn't just ready made

Milk more so Milk would predate cheese So milk It went from just milk to We were consuming breast milk Then we decided to consume cow milk And then cow milk went a little bit bad And then we started whipping that into butter and just sifting it into cheese. Where does cream lie on that scale of discovery?

Cream's probably in the milk family. Cream probably predated cheese. Yeah. A pervert wouldn't just yank udders. It would probably suck and fuck. It would suck and fuck the udder. And there are probably perverts that sucked and fucked udders, to be sure. Of course.

Still are to this day. Yes. They're probably disappointed in how flaccid the udder was, though. That's what Frank means when he says, udder fucker. He's talking history to us. Did you see Coach Doug's and Frank's back and forth? Yeah. Very strange.

What was that? That was something. Yeah, you tweet that. Seems like something you just keep to yourself. Maybe we could pull that up. From all angles, maybe you keep to yourself. Say it. No.

Say it. Very weird Pull it up Should we I just do a double take I want to break it down I read it so many times That can't be right

Can we get the camera on Sass So we can see his double take Yeah That was my actual facial expression When I read it I know Sitting across from you I was like Harry

Yeah What What's gone wrong Rubbed your eyes Yeah, that was my actual facial expression when I read it. I know, sitting across from you, I was like, Harry! Yeah. What? What's gone wrong? Rubbed your eyes. What? Loud ass blink, blink, blink, blink. Do we have that tweet up, Stephen?

He's getting it. TJ would have had that up in a jiffy. Yeah, he would. Fucking, I miss TJ. Fuck. Driving up to Boston. All right, that's the plot. Roan, you play Frank. Owen, you play TJ. Fuck. Driving up to Boston. All right, that's the plot. Roan, you play Frank. Owen, you play Duggs.

And who's going to read the stage directions? I will. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, I'll just go fuck myself. And Sass, you... No, no, no, Sass, you read Frank. Yeah, yeah, you read Frank. And I'll go fuck myself.

I know, I'll go fuck myself. No, I'll go fuck myself. You read the stage'll go fuck myself. No, I'll go fuck myself. You read the stage directions. Do you want me to do a movie trailer voice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a world where two men drive up to Boston. It would be cool to be in a show or movie filmed in New York. I feel like I put a lot more effort in than you just did.

Yeah, Owen, don't forget. Owen, you're off. You're off. I'll take over for... I don't know how to be big. Rowan, you're on. You know what would be cool? To be in a show or a movie on the silver screen filmed in New York. Yeah.

Yeah. You could be a rape suspect. What? You could be a rape suspect. What? You could be a rape suspect. A rape suspect, and I would be a gangster. Coming into theaters in November. Rapist. What the fuck?

Really just not great. Was Frank just thinking that the whole time? And if that's what he thinks about Doug's, his closest confidant and road partner in the office, what does he think about the rest of us? I can't wait till we have him on trial tomorrow and talk about it. No, that's not tomorrow. Oh, that's Thursday. No, I don't think it's Thursday.

I'm out Thursday and Frank's out Thursday. What? He's out all week. What the fuck? Why are you out, Nick? He's at a wedding. Fuck yeah. Are you getting married?

No, but I am. Who's the lucky guy? I'm in the, uh... The bridal party. Is that what it's called? Are men in bridal parties? I think so. Groomal party?

You're a groom man in the bridal party? I'm a groom man in the bridal party. Hell yes, dude. That's gonna be awesome. How many weddings have you been to this summer? This is my fourth. That's a fucking lot. Too many.

Yeah. And I feel like there's other people out there who are just going to one every weekend. Yeah. There's people who are just slogging through weddings. This has to be the most wedded summer of all time. That was groomsmen in three of them. You were? Yeah, that's like $600 in tux rentals. Dude, 28

is when the first wave happens. And then I think there'll be another wave in about four years for your group. I think so when my friends get divorced and are married. No, they're all white that get married. I'm going to a West Virginia wedding.

That's going to be fun. You're going to enjoy yourself. We're going to miss you though. I'll call in. You promise? No. You fucking son of a bitch. You're a liar, bro. Did we talk about the fact that we're going to do a live show eventually? No.

We're actually doing a live show soon. Yeah, pretty soon. Not eventually. Yeah, soon. What is that, October 14th? 14th? Yep. And it's in about three weeks.

It's just us. And KB. And Kyle. But it's not Brandon, Big Cat, or Caleb, or Steven. Yeah. No offense, Steven. No offense, Steven. Is it cool that we're doing this without you?

More than cool. I'm watching Bucks-Eagles that night. Sucks for you. Oh, shit. I thought we were going to that game, Steven. I originally had planned, but that's cool. Oh, shit. I thought we were going to that game, Steven. Originally had planned, but that's cool. Oh, fuck. That was the least cool that's cool.

You didn't mean that at all. No, we haven't built out plans yet. That was a feeler text when the schedule came out. Dude, Owen. Oh, no. How could you book that on a night when the birds play? Sass knows how serious I take the fucking birds. I do.

Too serious. It's not too serious. It's just very serious. We're also doing a live show in Boston. Are we? Are we? Yeah. For sure.

And it's big. All right. You ever heard of the Wilbur? KB, what's up, brother? Let's make it a three shot. What a nightmare. Kyle. What was the nightmare? We were about to have Amoroso in here.

That's the face of the show. Shit. God damn. KB, what was the nightmare? Man, what happened? You good, bro? Travel mishap. Fuck.

Did you end up on 72nd again? Yep. Always. Yeah. Always. Beautiful September Tuesday in Manhattan. up on 72nd again? Yep. Always. Yeah. Always. Beautiful. That's Columbus. September Tuesday in Manhattan. Just happened to take the wrong mode of transportation.

What did you take? Walking? No, that had to have been the right mode if it was going uptown. I don't know. I was trying to do like a 9-11 thing. 9-11's dead, man. No, that was your... Was that your daily?

That was your personal... That was my daily. Fuck. What's good, man. No, that was your... Was that your daily? That was your personal... That was my daily. Fuck. What's good, though, brother? Not much. What are you guys talking about? Boston? Yeah.

Behind my back? No, the live show. What? Live show in Boston. Not quite. It's gonna be us and Nick. 300-seater. Is this stamped?

No. I would have crazy imposter syndrome in that situation. Yeah, same. Why? In what situation? Having a show? Yes. You're going to do it.

You get imposter often? Yeah. Really? That's it. You ever see the documentary Imposter? No. Is it LaBeouf? Like a 30-year-old French man just posed as this missing child.

And the family took him in and just believed him. Really? Yeah, that's you. Were they in denial? Yeah, I think that was the psychological effects of extreme denial. Was he just vibs-shaped? He didn't look a thing like the kid. He looked a little bit youthful for 30, but he did not look like an 18-year-old boy.

That's got to be going on more than we give him credit for. I bet you it doesn't. No? That nobody's being imposters anywhere? How would you even know? No one's going to tell you about it. For a missing kid? Yeah, it probably happens like once every decade.

I bet it happens more often than you think. You think? Once every decade? Yeah, it happens more often than you think. You think? Once every decade? Yeah, if I had to guess. I can't imagine that's like a very popular reoccurrence. I went down a TikTok rabbit hole of these ladies, nurses, talking about people who have just confessed murders. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Those are all made up. We were talking about that too. They're all made up? Yeah, I've decided. Oh, okay. That could very well be. That would actually be awesome. What do they, who confesses to murder?

People dying? Like they're on their last breath and they're like, I was on the second plane in 9-11. And then they just die. Or they're like, I killed 17 children in 1963. I believe them because most of them are people being super racist. And they'd have no reason to lie about it. It's like, yeah, I got a young black kid killed in my town because I said that he looked at me or something like that.

I would lie about that. If you're dying and so medicined up and anything that you see, you could be like, I cut Qui-Gon Jinn in half. It's the most recent thing you see you could like it could be like I cut Qui-Gon Jinn in half. Just like oh okay like it's the most recent thing you see. Yeah. You fuck with Qui-Gon Kyle? Qui-Gon Jinn? Yeah.

He's from that Weird Al Yankovic song? Yes I was gonna say I remember him from Weird Al but I don't know. It's a Star Wars? It's a Star Wars song. I did read one about a guy

who confessed to a murder and he told them where the body was and they went and they found the body. No way. Like the bones. I hope they arrested his geriatric ass. He died. Oh, really? So then he won.

He did. That's incredible. They should still arrest him. Who are these guys? What is the limit to what you can confess in hospice? Like, is there something that people will be like, yeah, we have to punish him. Dude, well, they basically made it seem like all the hospice nurses were, is there something that people will be like, yeah, we have to punish him. Dude, well, they basically made it seem

like all the hospice nurses were such pussies. They're like, yeah, he said that he committed mass murder. That's an advertising client. I thought it was going to be advertising for what?

Gucci? Yeah, golly. Seriously? Fucking Gucci mains team. The Gucci team just rolled through here? Seriously. What makes you think Gucci?

Was Qui-Gon Jinn Liam Neeson yes still is realistically it's probably like Black Rifle maybe yeah probably

could be not if there's anything again not if there's anything wrong with that if it's Dude Wipes we're gonna have to

step outside yeah my asshole's dry and ready to fight. Dude Wipes has more followers than both of our podcasts on TikTok and the only thing they post is Wipe Wednesdays. It's great marketing. They thought of the good ideas first.

Yeah, that's good. We don't have fucking good ideas on TikTok. Wipe Wednesdays is good. Our TikTok is permanently banned. We're just not allowed to ideas on TikTok. Wipe Wednesday is good. Our TikTok is like permanently banned. We're just not allowed to post. And apparently, have you been getting the DMs? People get notifications when they try and follow us. Being like, this account has broken multiple community guidelines.

These boys have been bad boys many times over. Kyle, why don't you make a TikTok for us? We haven't posted in about eight months. Yeah, let's do it. I think you just have to post. That's the secret to success. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

For anything. The one they didn't like was Sass said, which D'Amelio should kill themselves. I didn't say that any of the D'Amelio's should kill themselves. I would never say such a thing. Or that they were talking about it. Yeah, I said they were talking about killing themselves. Well, they weren't even talking about killing themselves.

The whole show, the whole D'Amelio show is them, like, crying, and then at the end, like, this black and white screen rolls in, and it's like the Hulu.com slash D'Amelio resources if you're ever feeling suicidal or depressed. And then I went to the link, and it's just a big suicide hotline with, like, the Hulu logo in the background. And it's a link to their merch.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was just explaining that, and we got, like, banned for it. Fucking Mark D'Amelio shut us down. We were just reporting the news. Do you need a degree to work for a suicide hotline? No, I doubt it.

Any background in... That would be a taxing job. Psychiatry? It's just a call center. You just apply to an average call center, and you can either sell furniture, you can human traffic on Wayfair, or you can...

Save lives. You can try and save lives. And if you suck at it, it doesn't matter. You're getting paid $8 an hour anyway. No skin off your back. You probably need some forensic career to be able to watch the suicide hotline. Actually, no, you probably just get a script.

No, you probably do. You probably just get a script and they're like, if they said this, say this. There's people who are failed negotiators, like hostage negotiators. Nick, do you want to try? What? Do you want to be my hotline?

To kill myself? Yeah. We said we were going to call and ask for the D'Amelio's. Be my hotline. I want to kill myself. Yeah. All right. Yeah, bet. Can I get the D'Amelio script?

Mantis was calling in to our suicide hotline. Imagine bragging about shitting on company time and you're like, dude, you work at a suicide hotline. Yeah. They're not paying me for the commute. Would have saved four more lives

if I didn't have to use this wet ass rag to wipe my butt. I could use dry toilet paper instead. Are we still in cahoots? Anyone with dude wipes? Around this firm? Chase. I never said the name.

I said wet rag. I personally love the wipes. Makes for a clean hole. Yeah, but you still need toilet paper after. I brought them to Africa with me. Why didn't they just cut to those two chairs? Who's on the ones and twos back there?

Habit, habit, habit. Muscle memory. Look at TJ just looming over Jay. The angel of death. Oh, no. TJ. So, wait, sub in? Waiting for one slip up.

The dark cloud of death. Did you see that one 9-11 clip where the lady gets pulled into the one shop, and she's like, my stuff's out there. And they're like, we don't care about your shit. Like, get in here. You're going to die. And then this cloud comes through, and the one shop and she's like, my stuff's out there and they're like, we don't care about your shit. Like, get in here, you're gonna die. And then this cloud comes through and the one guy screams out,

the black cloud of death. I miss that. It was fucking harrowing. Man, it was harrowing. He's a poet. Yeah, it was incredible language. The black cloud of death. It was incredible

that he said that in that moment. That's his first reaction. He probably went back and did a voiceover of that after. He's like, yeah, he definitely screamed like a pussy. He's like first reaction. He probably went back and did a voiceover of that after. Yeah, he definitely screamed like a pussy.

Yeah. Let me switch it up. Have you ever seen the movie The Mist? No. It's an M. Night Shyamalan movie. They're stuck in a supermarket. Yeah, but then

it's like this mist that comes and kills you. And the end of the movie is the guy has a gun and he doesn't have enough bullets to kill everybody and himself.

So he kills his kid. He kills these two elderly people and he steps out into the mist to die. and himself so he kills like his kid he kills these two elderly people and he steps out into the mist to die and then just the military rolls through and like saves him

yeah is that Shyamalan? that's Shyamalan shut the fuck up he killed his kids at the end and then he just rolls credits he's like alright

okay no way I gotta watch that I'm not a big fan of like an ambiguous ending that wasn't well that I'm not a big fan

of an ending that you just like that's not the end of the story. I want to see his reaction. He killed his kid. I want to see him at the military explaining that he killed his kid. You don't ever want movies to end.

No, I want them to keep going. And then what happened? After they beat the Monstars, what was the parade like? I don't know they found Nemo and you're like this is kind of ambiguous does he grow up to be a successful fish

what happens with Nemo I like fans of movies who like beg for like additional storylines and what actually happened and it's just like the guy who wrote it was just like

oh whatever I want it to be I can tell you because it's my imagination it didn't actually happen was just like, oh, whatever I want it to be, I can tell you. Yeah. Because it's my imagination. It didn't actually happen. And J.K. Rowling takes advantage of that more than anyone else. Actually, Dumbledore was sucking Harry Potter's dick

the entire time on the low. Nobody knows. That was more behind the scenes, though. Actually, Harry Potter was in Nambla and he was asking for it the entire time. But she has made a lot of revisions. Yeah. She's piling things on Dumbledore.

Oddly specific. Piling things on Dumbledore. Very transparent, which is ironic because she hates transparent. Yeah, she does. Oh, fuck. What's turf mean? That's what she is, right? I saw everybody saying she's a TERF.

What is TERF? It's a dual income, no kids, I think. Yeah, it is. Mr. and Mrs. Dink. I'm pretty sure. I think it means young urban professional, right? I'm pretty sure that's what it breaks down to. Nick, don't take this the wrong way.

I'm going to. If we were the office, I think that you'd be Jim. Why would I take that the wrong way? I think you would, dude. I think that you'd be the Jim of the entire office. Yeah. And I don't think that Dave would be Michael, but I think that you'd be Jim. Who would be Michael? Who would be Michael?

Who would you be? I'm going to walk in tomorrow to spill a giant vat of chili. You sure about that, Ron? You sure about that, Ron? Who am I now? KB would be Oscar. Wait. Yeah, KB.

Because you don't look like him, but you have similar interests. No. Oscar. Wait, wait, wait. No, I don't. Yeah, yeah, you do, actually. No, I'm thinking of no, I don't. Yeah, you do. No, because you don't look like him at all, but you wait. No, I don't. Yeah, yeah, you do, actually. No, I'm thinking of, no, I don't. Yeah, you do.

No, because you don't look like him at all, but you definitely, it's a vibe thing. It's a vibe thing. Kim and Oscar have an unspoken kinship, too, though. Yeah, definitely. And it's just like a vibe. How would I be Oscar? You guys have similar interests. He's like a numbers guy and a guys guy.

You're a land guy. He's a real guys guy. It's analogous. I don't know who. Who would be Michael? I don't think we really have a Michael. Big Cat? If you're Jim, maybe.

What? What? What? All right. What about you, Ryan? Well, if you're Jim, then who's Pam? Wow.

Maybe KB's Pam. Oh, KB's probably Pam. KB's Pam. KB's probably Pam. KB's Pam and Oscar. He's Pam and in turn is Oscar. Good show, That Office. Very fun. Okay, well, it was. Yeah.

Lil Sash would be Stanley. Yeah. Of course. For obvious reasons. Che, you'd have to be Dwight if he's... Yeah. Nick is Jim. I feel like Nate would be Dwight.

Yeah. Nate, get in here. Running away. Nate would definitely be Dwight. I didn't know Dave was a big Gervais guy. Dave would be Gervais. That's who Dave would be. He'd be Gervais.

You've just read his name. What? Gervais. Dave tweeted that Gervais. You've just read his name. What? Gervais. Dave tweeted that Gervais is in his top three celebrities. Yeah, I didn't expect that either. He did have a great run on HBO where he had like five great shows. Idiot Abroad was a hilarious show. Awesome show.

Life's Too Short. Life's Too Short. That Liam Neeson sketch with uh on life's too short wait what was the one where steven merchant was trying to get um pussy uh ladies man or hello ladies or something hello ladies that was a good one and then there was an anime he's too tall did you see that fucking story about wilt chamberlain and uh wilt chamberlain and kareem abdul-jabbar were in an elevator, and a guy walked in and saw them both, and he was like,

oh, how's the weather up there? And Wilt Chamberlain spat on him and said, it's raining. Is that true? Yeah. That's funny. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar told the story. Jesus Christ. That's a savage.

Yeah, it made me never want to make fun of a tall person again. What would you do if they were like, how's the weather down there? How's my dick taste? Yeah. How do my ball sack smell? How's my set smell? How's my set? Tall people don't like to be made fun of.

Yeah, they can't. Especially young tall people. Young tall people? Like when a sixth grader is six feet tall. YTPs. Yeah. And a radio station devotes two months straight to mocking them than writing like elaborate fan fiction

about their yeah about their gross height damn near 10 feet wait wait a second yeah that's two deep voices today just by the numbers Will Chamberlain probably slept with that guy's wife no Will Chamberlain lied did he? yeah he didn't fuck that much

and he also I think he said it was one of his greatest regrets that he ever put that number out there because it just clouded everybody's perception of him what did he say like 5,000 or something? 50,000. No, he didn't. 20,000. Oh, 20,000.

20,000. I knew it was five digits, though. Something so preposterous where he had to, he like fucked three girls a day since he was 15 or something like that. Mid-five figs. Getting eight in here. Blatman would be Roy. Yep.

Always trying to fuck KB. KB's ex. I feel like Collins would be a good Roy. Collins could be Roy. Collins is Roy. And then... Fuck. Who would be fucking Kevin?

Oh my god. I fucking love The Office. Sheesh. who would be fucking Kevin? Oh, my God. I fucking love The Office. Sheesh. Who would be fucking Kevin? Brandon would be Kevin. You're leaving yourself out. I said that I'm one of those interns that gets hired in season eight. I like those guys.

Yeah, they're hilarious. Plop? Yeah, Plop. That's who I truly am. That's who my inner spirit is. I'm sad that Rediscovering America is over. Are you guys? Yes.

You can be sad for the both of us. You guys aren't sad? No, it had a natural conclusion. When is season two going to happen? Are you going to give it a break or are you going to jump right back into it?

I feel like you were filming it for so long. Yeah, it was all in 2021. Yeah. So come 2022. Isn't that impressive there was only five episodes? There were long episodes, though.

Hour-long episodes. Yeah, yeah. It's five movies, brother. Yeah, honestly, it's a miniseries. Like, you could throw that shit on HBO. Yeah, I was happy with the way the last one went and the way it ended. Me too.

A little bit proud. Yeah. Atta boy. Did you send it to anybody? No. No, you didn't brag about it? No. Why not?

What would I say? Check this shit out. Nah. Check what I've been working on. Nah, there's a lot of people who are just like, I'm sure it's good, but I can't do a 55-minute-plus video. And I couldn't either. And then they watch...

Well, people will listen to 10 podcasts a week, but they can't watch a video. Yeah, it's bullshit. They should be supporting. Or they should make Rediscovering America. See, Brandon's just walking around,

fucking walking softly. His interview's at 1.30, I think he said. As hard as you walk, that's how soft Brandon walks. He walks like he's afraid of the ground.

He's a soft-ass walker. Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is. Yo. Yes, bro. Tell us a soft-ass walker. Yeah, he is. Yo. Yes, bro. Tell us a joke from your five, bro. Give us something from your five. Did you guys talk about that? No. So what happened?

You get to the comedy show. There's five people total. No, it was four people total. Okay. Yeah. And they're all performing? This was an open mic. It wasn't a show. So four performers, no crowd. No, three performers. One audience.

No, one host. Oh, no audience. Oh, no audience. Still no audience. There's rarely an actual audience. So when someone's performing, the other three just sitting down right in front? Yes. Okay.

And the lights were on, so you could see all of their facial expressions. Were they looking at you, or you could just tell that they were looking at you? They're not even there. Yeah. You're just basically doing it for an empty room. So the first person goes, was it not you? all of their facial expressions. Were they looking at you or you could just tell that they were looking at you or just like on their phone? They're not even there. Yeah. You're just basically doing it for an empty room. So the first person goes,

was it not you? I was the first. You were the first. I was the first besides for the host. How did they introduce you? Harry. Did you get any claps?

Yeah, of course. Is there a bar? No. So it's just a room. Just a room. Was it like a bringer show? No. And you tell your jokes, and what reaction did you get?

What facial expression? The best I got was a, ha ha. But I mean, it's like. That's pretty good. I mean, that shows it's funny. Okay, I, like, you can't really, like, it's not like a bad, like, I don't care. Like, I really don't get, like, upset about it at all because it was like no one laughed the entire time except for me i laughed at everyone else's jokes so much because you were in the moment you were like uh you had done your time you didn't

have to live in your head anymore you could just watch the show they're probably going over their acts the entire time like nervous no one's nervous for doing stand-up in front of three people i've done it before in front of three people. Didn't they accuse you of being high? Yeah, I'd be trembling. I've done it before in front of two people. That's worse than a full crowd. And we did it with you all face-to-face with some stranger, and you have to just recite jokes. The worst part was he was like,

he was like, all right, we can all do like 10 minutes since it's a small show, obviously. And I was like, dude, I don't want to watch these people for 10 minutes each. I'd rather just do five minutes and then get out of here. I got there early so I could go first so that I could leave right after because usually you can leave after you're done. You're supposed to stay, but no one stays. And I was like, I want to get in there and get out

because I hate waiting and watching all these people's shows or sets. And yeah, we all did 10 minutes. I didn't leave. Yeah, but it was like, it was a loose 10. Did you do any crowd work? Does that mean seven? Yeah. New comedian? Okay.

All right. A loose 10. And yeah, it was just brutal. And so I try and laugh to make it less uncomfortable so people aren't just doing jokes into the void. I do that at comedy shows as well, especially really small ones. It's just part of being a human. Yeah, exactly.

And this girl's going. It was two dudes plus me and then a girl. The girl's going last, and I was laughing. And she goes, are you high? What? And I was like, Jesus Christ. She's like, no, I won't laugh then. That's fine.

We don't have it your way. That's fucked up. I was like, I'm's like no I won't laugh then That's fine We don't have it your way That's fucked up I was like Did she not want you to laugh I'm just pretending To laugh at your jokes To make it less uncomfortable Yeah

But I don't really It didn't really matter It didn't bother me at all What uh What were some of her jokes I feel like you can She didn't do any jokes She just like

Went up there And was like This is so uncomfortable I can't believe I paid five dollars for this Okay Yeah Pretty good And the host was like Pissed and was like, this is so uncomfortable. I can't believe I paid $5 for this. Okay. Pretty good.

And the host was pissed. I was like, dude, you can't be hosting an open mic and get mad when it is done that we had to pay $5 to do an open mic in front of three people. Did the guy just pocket $25 or $20? He didn't even get any of the money. I'm assuming the place takes it, the club takes it. Jesus Christ. It was a waste of time and money. I'm assuming the place takes it. The club takes it. Jesus Christ. It seems, that's just so, it was a waste of time and money. Yeah, it's just sad. It's just sad.

That's the reason I don't like doing open mics. It's just like so depressing. That's like the, I don't care about what happens to my jokes. The worst part about it is going there and seeing like grown men doing it in front of three people. You invited me to do it. Yeah, I didn't know it was going to be like that.

I didn't think it was going to be like that. I've done mics there before that have been awesome. Like the 6 o'clock show, they're like, oh, yeah, there's 15 people signed up. And I was like, oh, awesome. Glad I went to the 5 o'clock show where there was two people signed up. Why didn't you just wait around until 6? Because I don't want to sit and wait from watching their 15 people's sets. Why don't you just do your thing again though? I feel like

it's about reps and just doing it a ton of times. Yeah, but you don't want to wait there is the thing. It's like you're there for like, for 15 people, Mike, you're probably there for like an hour and a half. Yeah, but you could sit on your phone just the same way that... You really can't though. But I'm saying until you wait, until you get there. Or you just don't want to hear other people's jokes.

You just don't want to sit and people's jokes. You just don't want to sit and watch another 15 people go. It's really, like, tedious. I mean, oh, and you've been there. It's brutal.

Uh, yeah. I didn't think it was that bad. And I went, what, like, sixth? I was pretty close to the top on that one. Yeah, we probably

watched eight before you. Yeah. Che, would you ever hop on the stage? There's, like, ten more after that yeah I actually have

really a long time ago yeah what about now been getting your reps in on the no I haven't done anything get a lot of laughs I haven't done anything written

what were your jokes I don't this we're talking this was like ten years ago probably but I did it once in front of you were a prop comic

weren't you I was not no yeah just a big jug of mayonnaise and just spreading it all over yourself shit would be hilarious that'd be hilarious you're doing uh six minutes in boston uh never doing any minutes i told them you would so i am not gonna do it They're gonna be disappointed I just I would I would think about it so much

That I would like Over prepare for it And that's not funny I would have to do a bunch of mics And I just don't Why do you have to separate it From what you like normally do Cause it's like a serious undertaking

Comedy But don't you do that everyday Not talk for five Or six minutes straight for like a crowd that expects jokes. It would be so easy. Do it for like an hour. I don't know. I guess it's how I frame it in my mind. I'm down to rewire my brain.

I'm trying to rewire my brain in all kinds of ways. Trying to like vegetables. I'm trying to go to sleep earlier. I'm trying to rewire the fuck out of my brain. I've been I've been trying to have a wet dream. What are you just going hands off on your dick

hands off touch your dick hands off completely and I'm falling asleep to ASMR porn. Real. Yep. No way. That would be awesome

once you have one. I had sleep paralysis last night. She said a tick tock playing on a loop and I was awake and could it, but couldn't move to turn it off. That's a nightmare. It was terrible. Literally.

Could be worse, though. Sure. At least it wasn't every day. Someone could have killed you. Well, no. As far as sleep paralysis. Someone could have murdered you in cold blood. I've heard the ones.

I've never had sleep paralysis, but I've only heard about the ones. Could have been worse. I could have had to listen to three comics for four minutes each. That would be a pretty bad sleep paralysis. Nobody's stories are as bad as yours. No, I meant at least you don't have the demon in the side of your room. Is that a real thing? Yeah, I get it.

I've never had that. I've just heard about it. Yeah, I get it. That's so Jim. That's such a Jim. See, bro, do you see what I'm saying? An artist drew a picture of it, and it's exactly what everybody sees, which is weird.

That's terrifying. Beelzeb which is weird. That's terrifying. Beelzebub or whatever. That's just the devil. I thought Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me. So what's the thought process when you're having sleep paralysis? Are you like a battle rhapsody? Yeah. Never mind.

Keep going. Come on. How do you break out of it? Sleep paralysis? Yeah Or do you just go to bed? I eventually was like out of the shackles Yeah That's so crazy

And you can like Yeah, it's crazy Is it horrifying? Yes, every single time It's the worst feeling in the world Second worst feeling in the world What's first? Going to an open mic.

That's true. Damn. Can't believe Phil just walked in. He just went around the back. He went around the back. Phil just went around back. He just walked around to the back. That's Brandon I'm talking to.

People can't see Brandon standing there real anxious. Let's go to the one in Brooklyn Tonight Seth I'm not gonna do that You're dressed for it Brooklyn would go gaga for how you dress now Bro I can't do the ones in Brooklyn They're way too PC over there

You can't really let it go Get chased out of town I saw a guy from Brooklyn They couldn't handle the heat I'm bringing He was tweeting that theft should be legal That's funny That's a very Brooklyn person tweet No I saw a guy from Brooklyn. They couldn't handle the heat I'm bringing. He was tweeting that theft should be legal. That's funny. That's a very Brooklyn person tweet.

Theft should be legal. Brandon, we've seen you the entire show. You could have been cracking jokes with us, but instead you've been pacing. My interview was supposed to get here at 1.30. He's late. No, he just walked in. No, that's not him. I thought it was two people. It is two people.

I'm getting one at 1.30. I'm getting him at 3 o'clock. 3 o'clock? He's waiting for PMT. We, that's not him. I thought it was two people. It is two people. I'm getting one at 1.30. I'm getting him at 3 o'clock. 3 o'clock? He's waiting for PMT. We got him at 4. Tell him to... Yeah. No, I thought we had him at...

All right. We have him later on. Do you have him at 3 as well? Well, yeah. We'll have to figure something out. I could tag team him. Putting him through the gauntlet. Yeah.

We'll just have to have him pick. I think I know who he's going to pick. Yeah. I was on a bachelor party with him, okay? You were on a bachelor party with him. Yeah, I'm telling you. Who is this? Bond for life?

Yeah. CM Punk. Wait, was that the same bachelor party with Mayer? Yeah. And that was the bachelor party of the shrimp guy? Yeah. What a tale. I know.

It is a tangled web. You ready? He's ready now. Are we good? is a tangled web. You ready? He's ready now. Are we good? Bring him in. He's good? I bring him in. Does anybody know what that sign was?

He went like this, and I don't know what that means. So you went thumbs up, wave, thumbs up. He gave you the round third base. What does CM stand for? Chicago Made. Okay. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, it is.

That's real cool. Chicago Made Punk? I think that's what it is. That's real cool. Chicago Made Punk? I think that's what it is. That sounds like a fucking band or some shit like that. It does. I'm going to change my name to MM Sass. Massachusetts Made Sass. Well, what about your city?

Shit. Yeah. It would be DM Sass. Yeah. That's good, too. Uh-huh. That would be great. Duxbury Made Sass.

Don't dox yourself Fucking doxbury People already know brother It's chick magnet What Brandon what the fuck Wait what Brandon aren't you supposed to be interviewing this guy What the fuck

Brandon I thought it was Chicago made I don't think that's right Ew It's not chick magnet That's a kind of lame name Google is saying it's right No that's not

What's LL stand for in cool jay Ladies love He revealed under oath No it's Louisiana living No, that's not. What's LL stand for in Cool J? He revealed under oath. No, it's Louisiana living. Why did he have to go under oath? Brandon. No. Oh, no.

That was mortifying. No, that's not right. Cancel. You should cancel the interview. I don't think that's right. What do you mean that's not right? That's not right. He just pulled it up on Google.

Why don't we get him in here and ask? Where is his crazy ass? Where is his chick magnet ass? He's woofing down. That was according to Ross Berman of WrestleZone. He was on the chick magnet tag team. Come on, man. He's probably somewhere in the office just fucking.

CM Punk testifies under oath that his name stands for chick magnet. Under oath? Under oath. So if it is Chicago Mate, he will go to hell. Or at least be, yeah yeah he's perjured himself he'll be thrown in the what oof fuck me i thought it was chicago made well there goes a question no ask what do you mean it's a way better question we just argued about it organically now we can drive our audience to your interview think about that cross integration uh brandon is

uh grandin gonna be staying up here? Grandin got her internship moved to February. I would like for her to work her way into a full-time job, but that's on her, not on anybody else. She's doing a great job. She books your travel. She took over

a tough job, Kelsey's job, and now she's doing an equally great job. Thankless job, especially working with Sass, who misses planes, trains, and autom she's doing an equally great job thankless job especially working with sass who misses planes trains and automobiles like it's his job well I actually got my train with my own money you did yeah well that was stupid too that was that was that's another bag oh yeah what's worse I missed the first one you felt bad for a corporation you felt bad for your company no I had to buy it last second and I didn't have a company. I don't have a company card. Go steal something right now.

Not all of us have one. We all have one. All of us have one. Owen's got his. I got a stack of gift cards. That was for Erica, though. You want to color something in? Read me a page.

You fucking got this, bro. What did you get for your Pollyanna? Brandon, do you have anything? Oh, have you been to your desk yet, Kyle? No. He probably just hasn you get for your Pollyanna? Brandon, do you have anything? Oh, have you been to your desk yet, Kyle? Uh, no. He probably just hasn't picked up his Pollyanna gift. What do you mean? Erica got us all something.

Erica got us all a little something. What is this? That's what she got me. A coloring book. Fuck reality. Yeah. You suck. Oh, it's not true?

Who does that sound like, then? Who else could that be? Fuck off. Be happy. It drives assholes crazy. Cheer the fuck up. Yeah, that's one of my favorite ones. Mixed messages.

Asshole. Yeah. Fuck. That one just says fuck? Stop fucking around. Yes. Shitstorm. Arresting.

And you want to color them? Get fucked. That's awesome oh fuck basic bitch we gotta they gotta make something for the men though these are all women centric

a men coloring book yeah yeah coloring book for men remember when authors were obsessed with like putting swear words in their titles?

Always in self-help books. The subtle art of not giving a fuck. There's like a fuck section of Barnes & Noble now. And it's just all self-help books. Unfuck your fuck. I could use that. I see that eye. My-fuck your fuck. I see that. My fuck is fucked right now.

Tardy your fuck being fucked. Un-fuck your fuck. It's a one-page book and it just says fuck it. All right. That would actually probably sell off the show. It definitely would. We got to do that for our Black Friday sale. We got to sell Un for our Black Friday sale.

We got to sell Unfuck Your Fuck by Dr. Fuck. We're releasing Letterman jackets that just say, like, anxiety. Yeah. And then there's going to be an anxiety one and a depression one. It's going to sell like crazy. Yeah. We're trying to get them in Urban Outfitters. We're trying to get, like, you know how there's, like, racing jackets for Zyrtec?

We're trying to get Zoloft on one. Yeah. That definitely exists. Someone jumped on that early. Well, there's got to be new antidepressants. There's got to be some new shit that nobody's fucking talking about. And maybe some ketamine shit. Ketamine is making a comeback. Ketamine's making a big comeback.

Ketamine's fully back. I saw a fashion blogger wearing a necklace of real xanax bars i saw that too and just tight as fuck we should do one for like over the counter ones which is like that would actually be incredible to sell for like a weekend uh a beer weekend wings weekend you're just drinking and like bedding and let you just have some tums on a necklace i feel like that could sell i feel like that could play we're doing a fucking show here we're doing a fucking show you're gonna fuck my fuck unfuck your fuck that'll be fucking fucking sick. Did the new Snapchat show come out yet that you guys have? Yeah, Blink and You'll Miss It.

Literally. But yeah, I think it's out. Is it? I don't know. How'd your clean jokes come? Fastool-y! How's that mud pie? Really?

They love cutting your jokes. They should do a Snapchat show. Fastoolie. How's that mud pie? Two got cut. Really? Yeah. Dude, they love cutting your jokes. Yeah. They should do a Snapchat show where Doug's is a rapist in France. Did you see that tweet? I think so. What did it say? Let's see if we can do it by memory. I think they said Doug's is a rapist.

Yeah, we'll do it by memory. Driving up to Boston. It would be cool to be in a TV show or movie someday. Yeah, you would be a rapist. And? What? You would be a rapist, and I would be the gangster. Oh, nice.

No, the investigator. No, the gangster. Gangster. It's not even related. Oh, so it's just two different stories. Yeah, two different plot lines. Gangster and rapist. You find out at's not even related. Oh, so it's just two different stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two different plot lines. Gangster and rapist. You find out at the end they're like fucking brothers or something.

It's like an officer and a gentleman. Oh, yeah, you would be a rape suspect and I would be a gangster. Okay. At least he says suspect. Yeah. You look so suspect that people thought that you raped. That is truly fucked. Brandon, you could have been here the whole time, man.

We could have been talking about the rape shit. I always underestimate or overestimate the time I'm going to need for an interview. And I just wait around like a puppy. And now my guys... As a man, why are you estimating? As a man. I estimate. Oh, this is probably something I missed earlier in the show.

No, not even. Busted. You don't even listen to the yak. Name three of our bits. Name three of our bits. You talking to me or Sass? No, you. Sharky Duck.

It's bits. That's a shtick, actually. Getting the yak taken down at least twice a week. That's a gag. That's kind of my thing. Brandon. Whoa, you're doing my. Anybody that's canceled is like, you're stealing my shit.

Brandon, your skin looks clearer, though. I have been moisturizing. Is that really what it is? Yes. So is that a bit or a shtick? No, that's what my wife made me. Really? That's a bit.

It looks good, though. I feel like it's... I've been moisturizing. Thank you. It looks fantastic. The beard, too. Find a new slant, Brandon. Roseco was my bit.

Eczema was my shtick. You told me to get Sulantra, and the doctor wouldn't prescribe it to me. He said that was the wrong prescription. You were wrong, Ron, when you tried to diagnose me. He's probably too strong. It's like ivermectin. It's like, oh, you can't have it. Why had that for the COVID? Yeah, the ivermectin will get you right. It was gross. Yes,

bro. That shit will take you over. Yeah. That shit is flesh eating. Not a fan. You have a lot of nerve pointing out people's mistakes after that CM Punk gaffe earlier this year. Wow! Say it again? Don't even say it again man that was too far brandon he said you'd be a bigger suspect than doug's oh shit i'm trying to think of how the gangster ties into the rape suspect it's like you're under arrest for for rape but first i

gotta stop by the bank and then the the bank gets robbed. I think they go on the lam together. I think they wind up, like, he's stopping by the bank, and the gangster's robbing the bank, and they, like, both pile into the car thinking they, like, both have the same Kia or something like that. But how would the gangster know that he's a rape suspect? He finds it out

halfway along the way. So it's like a bank across the street from, like, an orphanage, and they're both robbing from each. They get into the same car. We got to get out of here. A timeless mix-up. It's like bulletproof. It could be like a Godfather type thing

where like Frank is the Godfather and then Doug's like going to him for help. I've raped too much. Well, maybe he didn't do the rape. You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding telling me about all the people you've raped. He could have not done it.

Bro. Do you know what suspect means? Wow. Jeez. I need to do the work. You're right on the criminal justice system. Fuck. Innocent till proven guilty.

In this story, he did it. Pug. Well, yes, of course. Got your dumb ass. I don't know why you would do that. You got your dumb ass looking like a dog with a tennis ball, man. Chicago made. What the fuck did you say to me?

We saved you. It's better than chick magnet. What? Bro. I say to me? We saved you. It's better than Chick Magnet. What? Bro. I kind of think it is too. Pause. I kind of think it is too. Where's CM Punk from?

Chicago. Hmm? Is that what he is? Made in Chicago? He's from Juliet. Where is he from? He's from Romeoville. He's from Evanston.

Now my Duxbury made is only, it only makes sense for it to be dude magnet now. Yeah, oh no, it's dick magnet. Dick magnet punk. Embarrassing. Who was the last chick magnet? Because that word was always cool, and then it just died, and it went out on top. I think Chet Hanks might have shut it down.

Sheckler, it could have been Sheckler. Were you saying it's Sheckler? Was he the last chick magnet? LL Cool J. Ladies love him There were a couple In Cool J's wake I love that he went

The only word he didn't Initialize is cool That's cool Yeah Ladies love Cool James He made cool cool Cool wasn't even cool before him Alright

Are you okay LL CJ? No Nah that'll confuse people C could be anything Did he steal Beanswave Or vice versa? confuse people. C could be anything. Did he steal Bean's Wave or vice versa? Who?

Hefner could be one. Who? Cool Jack. What did he do? Steal Bean's shtick. Bean's from Even Stevens or Beanie Seagull?

Fucking LL Bean. Why don't you stick? Why don't you stick around? That's kind of your lane. All right, yeah. We'll chat with you stick around? That's kind of your lane. All right, yeah, we'll chat with him. Please stick around. All right, well... You're the only one.

What's his music? Walk this way. It's called The Personality by Living Color. Oh, it's called The Personality. Will you sing it when he walks in? No, that's... He loves that. In my eyes, why don't you see?

Something like that. We're going to clown you for getting this wrong. In front of him. I would rather you didn't. We have nothing else to talk to him about. And we've got to distract Punk. Why did you ask that for him to come in here? Because I want him in.

See if he's hungry. See if he needs his tummy filled. Yo, Punk punk fill that tummy after he came back Rone said he wanted to be an AEW wrestler I just want to talk to the crowd the way that he talks to the crowd

is fucking incredible he just pontificates he's just up there fucking yakking to the people I don't know that he pontificates he bloviates he does bloviate

he's not on a pontiff I don't think he pontificates. He bloviates. He does bloviate. He's not on a pontiff? I don't think he pontificates. There's a little bit of a pontiff going on there. That says he's almost pensive at times. He's not. He's very direct. Here we go. I got to go do that one.

All right. Good luck. Oh, there he is. Hey. What's going on? Brian. What's up, brother? How we doing? Good to see you, man. What's up, brother? How we doing?

Good to see you, man. What's up, brother? Good to see you, man. Good to see you guys, too. I hear him on the yak. This is the yak. Oh, I love it. All we do is yak, man.

We just kick back and yak, bro. Anything you want to yak about? Oh, gosh. Get it off your chest, man. Unburden yourself. This is a safe space. No, I mean, there's nothing that really I need to get off my chest. People typically ask me questions.

Do you know the fear of the blank page? Yo. So all of a sudden, people give you the platform to say whatever you want. It's terrifying. And then that's when you just go, oh, no, I don't have anything worthwhile to say. That's not true, though, bro. See, that in itself worked. What's that? That was good. You got it started. That wasn't a topic that you brought up, though, bro. See, that in itself worked. That was good.

You got it started. That wasn't a topic that you brought up. Okay, yeah, yeah. This goofy motherfucker thought CM stand-up for... This is... ...stood for...

I'm still going to tell him. Okay. Chicago Made. Not at all. I did think CM stood for Chicago Made and CM Punk. It's Chick Magnet. That's what Google says.

We're roasting him all day for that shit. Oh, so I don't know. I don't know. I don're roasting him all day for that. Oh, so I don't know. I don't know. I don't think that's even true. And I mean, I don't know. I always assumed it was Charles Montgomery for Charles Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons. Why did you assume that?

That's an out there assumption. It's a wild one. No, that's your first thought. It's a crazy assumption. It is a crazy assumption. But I think, yeah, that's what you bring. Oh, do you know what we could talk about is flat Earth. Are you guys into that?

Yes, bro. Yes. Bro, it definitely is flat, right? I mean, I can't even comprehend that. Spheres. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Why would it be in a sphere?

Why don't we meet in the middle and just say concave? Or like a crescent. Convex. Yeah, crescent. I don't think the moon stuff middle and just say concave? Or like a crescent. Convex. Yeah, crescent. I don't think the moon stuff makes sense if it's flat. Yes, fact. Well, the moon definitely exists. You can see it.

What does it make sense about the moon? No, I'm talking about the phases of the moon. Do you understand how the phases of the moon work? Not even a little bit, no. Yeah, so if you look out like last night, it was nearly a full moon. Yeah, it was a waning gibbous. Yeah, a waning gibbous. Yeah, waning gibbous. So on which side of the earth does the moon have to be for it to be close to a full moon?

Wow. The top half? No, it has to be semi behind the earth and the sun. So the sun is here. The earth is in the middle. The sun reflects off the moon as the earth is spinning around, and that's why the moon looks full. As the moon rotates around the earth because the moon goes around the earth, as it goes around, then the sun positioning makes the different phases of the moon. And it's really very simple if you just take, because I've done this with my

daughter, you take a flashlight, you take an orange, and then you take a little thing and go around, and then she clearly understands how the moon works, but now it doesn't make sense if the earth is flat. I don't know why. Are you arguing for or against the moon?

You don't think we've ever been to the moon? Is that what you're saying? I don't say that. If you accuse Buzz Aldrin of that, he will punch you in the face. Although, I think one of the fun things about it is it's fun to have doubts

about it. Why would you make it up? What's the point? What's the purpose? To say you've been to the moon. I would lie about that. But one of the things that I love about the flat earth theory is why are all these people covering it up?

Why would you cover up the fact... They don't want to know what's underneath. No. What if some crazy shit is underneath? Just think about it. The elites live on the edge. It's hell of a view. It's been hot hogging the view.

But then you go into the people who are like, okay, well, like regular people drill for oil, right? They're the ones digging mines and all that kind of stuff. So they're the ones actually going the deepest. So that doesn't make any sense at all. Yeah, it doesn't. Dude, you are on one today what do you think is weirder people who don't eat eggs or people who don't eat cheese okay so i don't eat either shut up what's so weird oh you don't eat eggs or cheese no no way

so which do you think was the weirder like step for you to take uh the harder step is pro is they're both hard because eggs and cheese are in everything yes and so uh but i think i think maybe the cheese is harder because cheese is delicious on its own whereas like an egg you actually have to cook like you i mean some people don't i suppose but like you can just grab straight out of the straight out of the refrigerator and just eat. But yeah, but I think there's like, you know, I think ethically it would be easier for me to eat an egg from a free-range organic chicken. Because they're not doing anything with it.

The chicken's not doing anything with the egg. And the egg is unfertilized. We eat unfertilized eggs. So it could have never become another chicken. It had no chance. It had no chance of becoming. It's like a woman's period. Yeah eat unfertilized eggs. So it could have never become another chicken. It had no chance, right? It had no chance of becoming. It's like a woman's period. Yeah, it's exactly like that.

It's exactly like that. Dude, I want an omelet suddenly. You're talking my language. Yeah. So another thing that we could talk about here on the Yak is because as I tend towards a vegan diet and people say all sorts of things about vegan diets, I find it really fascinating, and nobody really brings this up, is that if you eat an apple, so people say, oh, but you kill plants.

And I'm like, no, I don't really kill plants. When I eat an apple, the tree doesn't die. Essentially, I'm eating the tree's sperm. Yes. Which is maybe the tree's sperm. Yes! Which is maybe the better... Essentially. Yeah, so it's a diet of sperm and period.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm eating the sperm because that's how... You're guzzling it. That's how... He is. He's guzzling your tree. Get a bushel of cum. Think about an apple pie. An apple pie.

It's like a bukkake. It's a bukkake. An apple pie is a bukkake. Oh, my God. I'm starving now. It's the tree semen. It's the tree semen. That's how they reproduce other trees.

So is every fruit semen? Most fruits are semen, yes. What about legumes? Actually, real fruits are semens because they contain the seed inside of them. And so in theory, that has to be get into the ground and then for another tree to grow. So what do you think about the theory that there are some plants that scream when you cut them at a certain frequency that they can experience some type of pain? So, I mean, I believe all living things experience something whether we can identify where that is or not there's a certain branch of veganism

where they don't eat root vegetables because like I said eating an apple does not kill the tree eating a carrot kills the carrot right so they refuse to eat carrots because they don't want to kill any of the plants.

I'm going to take it one step further and just eat pebbles and sand. No, pebbles, rocks are conscious. There's people who think rocks are conscious. People think rocks are conscious? People think that rocks have a level of vibration of consciousness to them. Fuck, dude. Well, I mean, then we're getting into, oh, this is real great yak stuff as far as what is consciousness.

Yo, Brian. Talk about it, Brian. Let's get deep in. I don't even really know that you guys exist. You guys could all be figments of my imagination. It's more likely than not. Yeah, and it's just my consciousness projecting you guys because I need to feel validated that somebody would want me to be on the yak.

Is it working? So do you think when you leave this room, will you just turn off? No. I just constructed this world in which people want to hear my opinions on things because my consciousness needs that validation or something along those lines. Likewise, you could also be seeing me in the same sense

and that your consciousness needs me to exist for some reason that I don't know. I don't know what your mental issues are or all that kind of stuff. But yeah, so I may exist in your mind purely for some psychological need that you have. This is incredible. I know Brandon wants to talk to you one-on-one

and we don't want to rob him too long. Yeah, we're using his questions. Because Brandon had a whole thing. So you wrote down, we're all products of sperm, right? In turn, does that make us fruit? So, we... No, we are the tree.

We are the tree. The sperm was the fruit. Okay. Do you need sugars? Do you need fruit? I can give that to you. I'm good. I'm good. Let's pause. Those are the things, you know, that we're talking about.

We, as humans, are the trees if you're talking about plant replication. Well, you got to come back sometime, make us an apple pie homemade, if you know what I mean. We'll eat together, but for the time being, please, Brandon, enjoy yourself. Let's go talk wrestling. Let's go talk wrestling. We didn't even get into the absurdity of free will.

Come on. You're probably hungry. Alright, brother. Appreciate you, man. Take it easy. Unbelievable stuff Yeah Good shit man Wow man I never thought of Orange juice

As Cum As cum As just a fucking Bucket of jizz An apple pie He made the crust too It's all made from scratch

Just a pie thief Stealing cum From a window sill Just like Dipping you I fucking hate Thanksgiving Oh fuck man

Well I don't know Wow Keep Keep I'll bite What was that I just got We were on an episode of Joe Rogan for a second.

Yeah, we got deep, and we got deep with Brian. Wrestlers, man. They're all the same. Is that his genesis? Is that his origin story? Who was that? That was Daniel Bryan, Brian Danielson. I thought it was CM Punk.

Yeah, you asked him a CM Punk question. I know. Was that CM Punk that came up to the window? Classic. Does CM Punk have a tattoo of a Pepsi logo? Just the big Pepsi logo. Yes. Craving Pepsi Punk.

He pressed his pannus against the glass, though. Did he press his pannus? That's what he calls his penis. He does? I thought it was he calls his penis. He does? I thought it was the pubis region. His mound? His mound's pubis? Yeah.

Yo. KB, how's that make you feel as a coke guy? That's how Sass was laughing last night at the comedy show. It was. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Shit is hilarious. All right, should we wrap it up?

Is it time to go get some shawarma? Ooh. Some lunch? Are we shawarming? Yeah, let's go get it. Yeah, let's go get it. Oh, we don't have a choice.

They're playing us out. All right, boys. All right, boys. We'll be right back. Thank you.