The Yak - Damn, Cheah Went SCORCHED EARTH On The Whole Office

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

Just wait till you fools see KB's fruit stripe gum head assYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak

Hey, Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Yo, my man, BJ. My man. Who could that be? Yo, my man. BJ. Beetlejuice in the house. Pop that top off.

Let everyone know what you're working with today. Jesus. Oh, my. Golly, I'm a Chalamet shit. Beautiful boy type beat. Army Hammer would have a field day with your ass. I wish I was a peach right now. Definitely.

I mean, we're all kind of colorful. No, no, just you and Owen. The example would be. Is that why you got in the two-shot today? Is that why you wanted to hop in the two-shot? You kicked Nick out of the two-shot? Because, I mean, that's the fucking two-shot. I got a torso for video.

Noise today, boys. Pick those socks up, though. Yo, shout out all of our colorblind people. Sass, we making a video about you next week. It'll only be up for a little bit, though. You don't know what KB's wearing today. I got some busted cones. These guys' cones are all fucked up.

Fried. Fried cones. Fried-ass cones. You look like a pack of fruit-striped gum. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God damn it. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Just keeps on dunking on my man I'm gonna wake up tomorrow laughing about that Can't catch a break with Che This ain't bad at all This is something like ASAP 12y would wear to a kickback

Not a party 12y's dead man You're thinking of yams No I'm not thinking of yams You're thinking of yams. No, I'm not thinking of yams. I told you he's alive. You're thinking of yams, bro. Sass does have, you have Timothee Chalamet vibes. Yeah, you do.

You're just a cute little boy. Like a hybrid of him and the Report of the Week review. Yeah, you're both of them combined. Who, Samantha Bee? Are you talking about Samantha Bee? No, Report of the Week. Oh, Z-Way. No, he's the guy. What?

You're like Samantha Bee. The guy who wears suits to eat fast Week. Oh, Z-Way. Nah, he's the guy. You're like Samantha Bee and Z-Way. The guy who wears suits to eat fast food. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy Dave stole a shtick from. Yeah. Was that a sneak diss, bro? He ranked Papadias.

Nah, that was no sneak diss. He ranked Papadias really low, and I was very offended by that. Those were disgusting. Those were not disgusting. You're disgusting. Papa John. Stephen Chaney, roast my guy Owen's ass. Yeah, disgusting. Those were not disgusting. You're disgusting. Papa John's. Stephen Chaney, roast my guy Owen's ass. Get him.

He looks like a fucking traffic cone. His name is The Watchdog. What does he look like to you, Stephen? An orange? Pumpkin. A very skinny pumpkin. That's the worst type. Squash.

You don't even pick that up at the pumpkin patch. A cylindrical pumpkin. You pass right over that shit. That's a worst type. Squash. No, you don't even pick that up at the pumpkin patch. A cylindrical pumpkin. You pass right over that shit. That's a late November pumpkin. We're a podcast now. We've just been talking about colors. Oh, yeah, we are a podcast now. Our own looks like...

Owen's got the shoes of a Penn Station resident. Oh! A homeless person? Can I give a little homeless shame? Unhomed? Those are brand new. He's homeless. I don't think you'reomed? Those are brand new. He's homeless. I don't think you're allowed to do that, Steven.

You're homeless. Da-da-dee-da-da-da. Anti-homeless. Da-da-dee-da-da-da. Steve, you think you could roast everybody in the office? Please. Yeah, all right. Can we go grab somebody?

Can we go grab somebody? Yeah, let's get some roasties. The roastmaster general over here. Steven Che. The station ass fit. The experts who walked by. We're having them come in and we're going to roast their asses. It was a homeless joke. Austin.

Austin. Austin. No, no, no. Come get some. He is little Pete. He's on bitch duty. Dude, so Rome put this in my head that Austin is just a little business Pete, and I said it to Austin.

I've never seen someone get so crushed by just that comment. I look at him different now. You're right. He's a rule. But he has the same intonations, inflections. Austin is an alpha male. Yeah. I was asking TiVo if they could cut something from BFFs.

So are you doing this mustache? Oh, yeah. I just caught a glimpse of it when you started talking there. Can we zoom in on Sass's mustache real quick? I don't think you have to. I think that you can see it. We can fucking see it. It's the Great Wall of China.

Do you have the edges curled up? We'll let you know when it pops. There it is. Oh, my goodness. This villain. All right, this is bad lighting for it. This is bad lighting for it. It thrives.

It thrives another light. An intern pirate. Yeah. I'm just trying to. An intern pirate. Yeah. I'm just trying to be a little more like you. Jay, what's his mustache on? I mean, didn't we talk about yesterday how you don't have to tell people if you're a pedophile? Oh, shit. Tom Selleck Jr.

Can you be a pedophile if you're still under 18? I'm not under 18. You're just a file. You're just like... Austin! Austin! Austin, get back here with your roastable ass. You're just like. Austin. Austin. Austin, get back here with your roastable ass.

I don't know. Ready, Steven? This guy is a prototype average guy. I don't know if I'm going to roast him. I don't know. Check out the lunch lady. Steven's roasting everyone today. I can't do it.

I've actually never met Austin. Perfect. He can't hear you. He can't hear you. All the greats started there. He looks like he's a tennis pro that failed. Failed tennis pro, he called you. So wait, how? He called you a slur.

You look like a professional athlete. You look like a guy who made a lot of money, who has fucked a lot of hot chicks, but now you don't. You look like a pro athlete that just doesn't do that anymore. Probably got a sick nest egg. So retired, yeah. Probably don't have to work anymore. Bitch. Probably got a sick nest egg. So we're tired, yeah. Probably don't have to work anymore.

Retired early. No, the best part about it is that these people can't hear, so we should just not tell them what Steven said. Oh, we just laugh. I forgot about that. Let's just tell all of them

that Steven called them a set of slur about that. Yeah, we'll say, yeah, okay. Get the DoorDash guy. Yo, with the sandals and no socks. With those Penn Station ass sandals. Get Edwin in here. A resident of Penn Station.

Edwin! A resident of the sidewalk could have worked. All right, Che. Edwin. Here we go, Che. Let's get a little... All right, stand right there. Stand right in front of the mic.

Yep. Stephen Che is going to roast you. Che is roasting you, but you can't hear him. Yep. He's on his jazzle-nicking shit right now, too. He's on his jazzle-nicking shit right now, too. He's on his jazzle-nicking shit. Che, let it fly. Give it to us.

He hasn't shaved in several days. Oh, no. Oh, no. All right. Thanks, Ed. We'll see you, man. All right. That was a little much.

Kind of crossed some lines there, Steve. A little uncomfortable now, Steve. Don't know if we're allowed to use that word anymore. You are so bad at this. So today's Steve's last day. uncomfortable now, Steve. Don't know if we're allowed to use that word anymore. You are so bad at this. So today's Steve's last day. This guy, Spider, come on in. That's a man that chooses to have a beard. Stand right there.

Steven is roasting people today. Let's hear it. Well, you won't. You will not. No, that's the best part. No, Spider looks great. Spider's my guy. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up, Steven. I'm about to come to class too far. You can't say that. Too far, you fucking asshole. Get his ass. Get him back. Go get his ass back. No, he's got a stay positive hat.

I love it. Get him back. Jesus Christ. We said one insult and he keeps going. I thought you were boys with Spider. I am. I love Spider. Oh, dude.

All right. Get him back. He said one round. Steven got more hair gel than a fucking Dwayne Reed over there. Oh. Oh. Okay. All right.

Yes. What else? What else? That's all I got. Yeah, I like him. That can't take too many shots. He doesn't like you. I didn't say the same thing about you.

I know. I'm trying to read his lips through the glass. Bring in Blatman. Get in Blatman. We need someone to flip out at Steven. You know what I actually feel? Pop in right here. Right here.

Right there. Stand right there. Steven Chase. I love Blatman. Steven Chase. Okay, don't bring religion into it, Chase. Blatman's the best. He's got it. Don't bring religion. I said don't bring religion into it, Chad. Vion's the best. Oh, my God.

Don't bring religion. I said don't bring religion into it. Don't whip his ass, Blackman. God damn it. He looks great. He's got on sweet shoes. Yeah, I know. It was bad.

Was it a Jew thing? Yeah. It was an outfit. Get him back. Get him back. He called you slow-mo. That's it? Yeah.

Whip his ass. I want someone. We need someone to go. He'll be like, you know what, Steven? I used to like you, but I fucking hate you. Everyone in this office hates your ass. Steven, you might as well just actually roast them at this point. Like when Big M was like, everyone says you're a nice guy, but you're not.

Yeah, it's you. That was one of the best. Everyone says Ron's really nice, but you're fucking not, Yeah, it's you. That was one of the best. Everyone says Roan's really nice, but you're a fucking not, dude. You're a fucking asshole. When did that happen? During a March Madness livestream when Roan laughed at Ohio State losing. And Big Ab just lost. Big Ab said the most serious things.

You really can't get worse than being like, everyone really hates you, dude. Saying things in plain language with no hyperbole. Nothing clever, just it. It also was so funny because it was like Roan, it's like, wait, who thought that the battle rapper was like the nicest guy ever? Roan is nice,

but he has a streak that he can cut you down. He'll sneak diss you. He's not afraid to sneak diss. No, not afraid. Look this way, boom, diss. Diss while no one's looking? I forgot about that. He was really mad. I didn't know that.

We should get Roan in the back and then get Big Evan here. No, Stephen Chay's Roastmaster. Did you not hear what he said about Edwin? Roastmaster General. Looks like he hasn't shaved in a while. Nice beard. Have you not shaved? Who's someone on Edge?

I want to snap. Oh, yeah. Pond Disco. Get Pond Disco in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we'll get Pond Disco. Pull her in. Grab Pond Disco.

Okay. I'll just go get a few. Yeah, go get a few. Round some people up. Round people up who won't just cower. Do you want to grab my drink? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, can you go to Starbucks real quick?

Such an easy task. To what? I just have to get my drink on my desk if he's going over there. What are you working on? Monster. Fuel for the brain. I could tell. Does Deerdeek own Monster?

Nah. Just DC? I think he just owns a lot of it. How rich is Dyrdek? He's pretty rich. Probably the rich. He controls MTV. He has a monopoly on it.

Yeah, that's true. A billion. I fucking love that guy. Net worth, $50 million. He's rich and no one really, like, does anyone dislike Dyrdek? Oh, this is too easy. Oh, man. All right, Che, it's a little bit tough for you. I think we have three Gentiles.

You can't go into your old bag of tricks. All right, we got Greer in here. Try to keep the xenophobia to a minimum here. Stephen Che is doing a roast. He's been on fire. You can't hear. Well, who's first? Yeah, whichever order you want to go. We don't say who's first? Yeah whichever order No no no

We don't say who's first Che will say it And we figure out who it's for Okay Greer's one of my favorite people here Oh Jesus That's

That's fucked up Fucked up Why is it you Greer? I thought you I thought you were boys with Greer Your third floor Che he can get that fixed He's talked about that too

Yes that's true He doesn't So fucked up for no reason. Ray is one of my favorite people here. I haven't worked very much with Katie, but I hear she's great. No, you can't say that about a woman. You cannot say that about a woman. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry on behalf of all of you. Wait, what's wrong with women loving sports? Yeah. I'm sorry. You can't love them too. It doesn't matter your gender. You can't love them too much doesn't matter your gender you can't love them too much

alright Steven Tyler Tyler O'Day great guy one of the most entertaining we have stop now

that was way too far I'm not even going to laugh at that I'm sick to my stomach but finish it finish it he's great get out of here

we gotta stop this he runs he can run more than you. Too mean. Too mean. Any retaliators? Peace on the peloton, Tyler O'Day. Anyone want to retaliate?

I'm sick to my fucking stomach. Oh, man. Is it a juice? They're all going to go watch. They're all there. She's like, what? This is so good. This is a great way to juice our numbers.

They all were like that. I think they were like single people. O'Day's curious. O'Day popped in and asked what he said. We can't run that back. We can't. He's like, get to me. Destroy that. Are we on a delay?

Because this could be bad. Yeah, no, destroy the tape, please. Redact this all. Hey, big guy, can you go grab Sass's monster? Yeah, let me go get it. Yeah, could you? See if, no, Dave's here. Dave could grab it for you probably.

Do you know how much sugar's in that thing? It's sugar-free, bro. Nah. That's sugar-free. But the taurine, 10 calories. No, that's free-range sugar. You always sugar out the taurine. The taurine will fucking kill you.

Good. Oh, maybe I'm doing this. Are you going to do this? It's just too much. Do you remember the classic Yak memory when Jake the Rake got brought in?

Yeah. And he got sent to roast other interns and he just actually said every bad thing about every intern. Yeah, no, we kind of ended his career, Roan and I.

We had an intern. This was before, I think, any of you his career ron and i we had an intern this is before i think any of you guys are working here and we had him good old days and we were just like yeah it was like milton yeah we had him sit down it was the end of the summer and we're like he's an intern and we're like so which interns do you not like thinking that like he would realize we're joking and like you know who I would have said? He roasted everyone. He undressed them. He even went, he was like, where the fuck has Big F been? And Big F was like, dude, my fucking grandmother died.

I told you that. Jesus Christ. It was a whole fucking thing. I texted you on the side. And all of them just were like, fuck that guy. I think it was even earlier in the summer. So they just had to sit with him the entire summer and just stew in the hatred that they knew he had.

I think it was honestly like first impressions. It might have been. How did he get the nickname The Rake? Because it rhymes with Jake. I guess it does. And Jake the Snake is like played out. Jake the Snake. And what would you have said?

What would you have rhymed it with? Did he have a big ass? No. No, I got nothing. Let's say he did. Let's say he did. Was he wet? Was he wet?

Oh, Jake the Lake. Yeah, there's Jake the Cake. Was he edible? Jake the Cake again. Jake Marsh is cake. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he is. Yeah, exactly.

So that's another. That was one of those ones when he told us. He was like, you know, I used to be a chubby kid, and everyone called me cake because everyone loves cake. And I was like, I don't know if that's why they were saying that. That's not why they were calling me that. Didn't you guys have a Mike the Bike? We did. We did.

Okay. And did that just because it rhymed with bike? At the time, it was innovative, okay? It's like it's easy to, now that we've had several. Anything that a bike does? No. Everything. Mike the Bike versus Buda Ben was one of my favorite rivalries of all time. Buda Ben made the NSA look like child's play with the type of watchful eye he had over Mike the Bike.

He has some kind of alert where he definitely just heard that we said his name right now, and he's now tuned in fucking live listening to us. He made Mike the Bike sit basically in his lap, and he just would watch every move that he would make because he didn't trust him. It was awesome. Oh, there's Edwin. Jesus Christ. Dude, he just flipped this whole off. Edwin, I'm sorry.

It wasn't us. Edwin. Are you crowing one of those beards? Let's do a roast game. Okay. Bring people in. They have to roast somebody. They have to.

Roast or host. They either roast somebody or take over your chair. That's like a nice little... That's innovative. That rhymes. Roast is good. Wait, no. That's my thing. Please.

What about roast or toast? Roast or toast. Then what? You got to take a bite. You got to take a toast option. Yeah, you got to take a bite of toast. We got anybody with celiac in here? With dog food on it.

You either roast or you shit your pants. Should we do a draft soon, Rick? Yeah, we probably should. Friday? Is everyone here Friday? Yeah. Everyone is here Friday. Smoothie draft?

Everyone is here Friday. I was going to say a soup draft where we have to choose a broth. Smoothie draft? And then it blends? A blender with a smoothie draft would be electric. Yeah, yeah, it would. Okay, we're with a smoothie draft would be electric. Yeah, it would. Okay, we're doing a smoothie draft on Friday. So it's got to have one liquid,

one fruit, one vegetable, one protein, and one powder. That's a long draft. Use five rounds. Well, you can. Any inedibles?

No. Let's just do another acronym. No, no, no. What is it? Say it again. One liquid, one fruit, one vegetable, one protein, and one powder. Let's get rid of protein. Let's get rid of vegetable.

So it's four. What do you mean one powder? Wait, what powder? Cocaine, molly, fentanyl. Yeah. So wait, so liquid, protein. So what was the- Disgusting.

Wait, what was the- What was the protein? Protein could be powder too, though. So I don't know if you want to bring back a veggie. Let's skip the middle. Let's just go meat. No. Meat, not a meat drink.

I'm not trying to get salmonella. Salmonella? Salmonella? Salmonella? I'm not trying to get salmonella. Salmonella? I'm not trying to get salmonella. What about snack? Oh, I invited some people. Okay, stand right there. Line up, firing squad style.

One, two, three, right in front of the door there. So come on in. In front of the mic, kind of across the way. Yes, perfect. Yeah, that's good. All right, go ahead, Steven. Okay, so Steven's going to roast you guys. And you have the option to

roast or host. So you roast him back or you can host a parasite. You get to sit in my seat. I can go eat lunch. Jack Mack, your flashlight's on. Oh! I thought that fucking J was supposed to be roasting Too easy

Come on Go ahead Steven I like all these guys What's the time? You can't generalize them all together Jay's been like a dickhead today He's on one Jack Mack, great guy, great social

Jack? I don't think he No, I saw him on January 6th And he admits He was here That's on a call Get him back He was probably there

He was probably there That's insane He's rejected That was That was his first thing he said I was here I saw him here. Also, you want to feel bad about yourself?

My dad was in the hospital. Oh, my God, Jay. Suck on that, Steve. Get yours. Get yours. He's going right to HR. Oh, my God. Chuck, also a great guy.

I'm on team Chuck between him and Marty. That's not even true. No, you can't say that. And I have masturbated to the woman on his shirt. I lived with him. I can tell you. That was actually weird. Okay, yeah.

We need some audio in here. What did he say? He tried to, like, do. It's a blind roast. He jerked off to someone close to you. He did, like, a tame version of Marty's jerked off To someone close to you He did like a A tame version Of Marty's roast to you

Yeah Like a But for no reason He jerked off To someone close to you That's what he just said Fuck him Wow

Yeah Shay How about fuck him So fucked Alright Joey I don't even want Don't even Don't even

Joey Langone is a fat pussy Oh Oh Shay He actually said something Hey Don't even. Joey Langone is a fat pussy. Oh, Jay. He actually said something. He asked for people to call him that until he gets in shape. So Joey Langone, one of my best friends here. Fat pussy.

That was actually a phenomenal race. He tripped running the four. He tripped running the four. He keeps going. Get his fucking dumb ass. He goes to Carvel every Wednesday night for two for one by himself. That's a true story. Do you go to Carvel every Wednesday?

Yes, I do. I told you. Two ice creams after my kids are asleep, and I live tweet the fucking hoops games. That's what I do. Two ice creams. You just fucking speeched his ass. Good god. He fucking helps me.

One of my best friends here. Is that? But he does subpar O-line and Oh! Now it's a back and forth.

Go back, Stephen. Your turn. Damn. What's Zaha yelling about? Arsenal's back baby First preseason game Thank you bro You got his ass

Dude I can't believe that Jack I'm gonna go get a bunch more Wait Have Jack Mack When Jack Go see if Jack Mack watched I want his reaction They're all listening

I want to see what his reaction is After he watched it They want to know what people said Ebony What was the January 6th thing? Yeah, grab Ebony. Storm in the Capitol. Storm in the Capitol.

Oh, that's funny. That's so funny. He went from zero to six. I know. He got pissed. Dude, but Joey, it was like when he did the Yankees game and he just spoke beautifully. When he was like. Oh, yeah, when he's drunk.

When he's drunk. When he was just in the zone roasting Steve it was like the when we were at the company he had like two beers and it was just fine yeah it's just coming off the I'd be always drunk if I were him yeah okay Stephen Chay is about to roast you he's roasting everyone

he's on fire he's feeling himself let's hear it you can't hear it is the thing it's a blind roast hear it is the thing. No, let's go, Steven. It's a blind roast. Lay it out there, bro. I want to hear you roasting.

Yeah, come on, Steven. Roast her ass. He's been extra spicy today for no reason whatsoever. All right, go ahead, Steven. Let's go. Ebony has been a valued employee for several years. Oh. Ebony's from the Bronx.

Do that. Exactly. One of my favorite personal moments is when she tased me. All right, go get your taser. What did you say?

He said, wait, you went to private school? Bitch, I didn't get a private, I didn't get accepted to that shit. Anyways,

I'm from the Bronx. We don't do that. Yeah, he's got more hair gel than Dwayne Reed. Well, I find it interesting that

he had a longer paternity leave than Kate had a maternity leave. That is what he has to say. Yeah, he didn't even have the baby. That pussy loves his child. We were all talking about that while you were gone. God is ass.

Oh, no. He came back. Brutal. All right. Thank you. Anything else? I need Megan to be my Twitter friend for a few months, so I'm very happy that she got the job. Oh, fuck.

You don't even know her personally. She just got hired. She's a chauvinist. How could you say that? I'm very happy she got hired. She's a friend of mine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Of course it was different, but that's just a weird thing to say. We have an HR, so what he just said, you could say. Anything you want to say back to Steven? I've always liked you a lot. Oh. That's what I said. Liked in the past tense. That was liked in the past.

Do you regret it now, Steven? She's also got fire kicks on. Oh, my God. He just doubled down. He doubled down. I'm sure she paid for those herself. No. I know you're the nicest man in the world and that you're being extremely kind.

I'm okay. That was like a bless your heart type of thing. That was a bless your heart. Oh, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete. Oh, Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete. Pete, stand right there. All right, Steven, go ahead. When Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete. Pete, stand right there. All right, Steven, go ahead.

When Pete busts a nut, nothing comes out. Steven's roasting people, but we were kind of nice and friendly, but, I mean, that was just fucked up. Do you want to get his ass back? Do you have any guesses what it was about? No. You have no guesses at all what that could have been about? No. Got it.

Pete shoots more blanks than a printer with no ink. This is Jezelnik shit. This is Jezelnik shit. Alright, Emrags. Emrags, get in here, brother. How we doing? Steven's roasting everybody and he's been ruthless, so don't be afraid to get his ass back. That's all we're saying.

Alright, I'll try. He's about to go though. I don't know Emrags well, but he's been ruthless. So don't be afraid to get his ass back. That's all we're saying. Alright. I'll try. I'll try. He's about to go though. I don't know Emrex well, but he's very good at video games and I've seen him go on the team. You don't know that. Wait, so I can't hear him, so what did he say? You don't want to see him.

That was fucked. Anything else? No, that was it. Alright, Hank, Hank, hop in. Emrex, that was it. All right, Hank, Hank. Hank, hop in. Emrag, sorry about that. All good, all good. Yeah, fuck him.

I have one, two minutes. All right, Steve is roasting everyone. He's on a roll of stealing himself. All right, sound off. Can I hear? Sound off, Jack. You don't want to hear. I love Hank.

I'm a big fan, especially. Dude. Come on, dude. That's fucked up to say. You know that it just happened. Yeah. Get his ass back. Get his ass back.

He had the second biggest dick in his apartment. Hank's too smart. He knows me well. Yeah. Let's see. Let's just see. We got Jack back really bad. He flipped out.

He did get a couple. He got a couple people. All right. A couple people got really bad. All right, Bibbs. Get got a couple people. All right. A couple people got really bad. All right, Bibs. Get your ass in here. All right, Bibs. Hey, Bibs.

Done any fucking recently? A little. I believe you. I believe you. I believe that too. I definitely believe you. Let me smell your dick, Bibs. Why don't you plop it up here?

Why don't you put it right on my upper lip? Why don't you lay it over my lip? Rest it over there. I showered this morning. I'll be the judge of that. Chase roasting people. I'm ready. Vibs is so skinny I could barely see him behind that microphone stand.

I heard skinny. Yeah, that was the start of it. It was downhill from there. I was very happy for him that he won Barstool vs. America. Congratulations. Chill, chill, chill, chill. It was one thing. He tried really hard at that competition. Yeah, and he won.

No, but like, come on. Since when are you boys with Dana like that? And that's something he can't control either. I like Dana. What? Yeah, no, so, right, exactly. We know you like Dana. You don't have to say that about Vibs. You can like Dana and Vibs

even though they hate each other. Get his ass back. Do you guys hate each other? I don't know what he said. He doesn't even though they hate each other. Get his ass back. Do you guys hate each other? I don't know what he said. He doesn't just use other people to make... Get his ass back. Get his ass back.

Oh, and did you order a salad? Yeah. This is your salad. That's a bad roast. That's tough. He walked off like Nixon. I think the whole office hates us now.

I don't think... Hank was the only one who knew And maybe Megan Hank's a sneaky human genius Slash He's literally been with me every single day For decades I don't think he's ever walked into a room with me And it being like oh this is going to be exactly face value

I think we just have to repeat A fake roast to them and it being like, oh, this is going to be exactly face value. I think we just have to repeat fake roasts to them. Yeah. Maybe we roast them. We roast them, but we chase the face. So we can get really personal. Yes. We switch the dynamic on it. We used to do a bit on PMT.

We haven't done it in a while, but we would do reading mean tweets, but we would just make it up on the spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people would get so upset. And, like, also not realize, like, that was actually one of the moments where I was like, Theo Epstein, maybe not as smart as I thought he was because he was wearing, like, white sunglasses. And I just did a tweet that was just roasting his white sunglasses. And he didn't realize that we were just making fun of him to his face. About his brand new sunglasses that he'd never worn before.

But if you just say, oh, yeah, this is Fartbox69 said this. Who's that? What are they doing over there? Can we cut to Enrique Cam? Enrique Cam? What's he doing? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. That's the eye.

Something's happening out there. The Pirates just signed Owen Shartz. Yeah. Drafted. That's funny because it's poop. Damn. 130. 130.

130 for that salad? Yeah. What's in that? I did quinoa as well. Some nuts. So are we locked in for these ingredients, four ingredients? Yeah, let's talk about it again. What is it?

Protein, vegetable, fruit, liquid. That's it. That's it. No, no, no. Four things. We took out vegetable. Or should it be vegetable or fruit? Vegetable slash fruit.

Yeah, vegetable slash fruit. Vegetable slash fruit. No, we should do everything on the... How many things are on the pyramid? We should do it like Captain Planet style, like Earth, Wind. So we're doing meal replacement smoothies. Food pyramid. Are we actually going to do meats?

We have fats, oils, and sweets. Milk, yogurt, and cheese group. Meat, poultry, fish, dry beans, eggs, and nuts. Vegetables, fruits, and bread. Can we do egg as a meat? That doesn't count, does it? Protein? Wasn't it originally protein?

My first job was a smoothie artist at Planet Smoothie. I would not recommend doing any meats. You can actually get pretty sick from that. So I get why the sandwich artist is kind of an artist. What is the smoothie? Was that your actual title or did you just give that to yourself?

I gave that to myself decades ago. You'd be like, hey, Tuesday, new smoothie drops? I've made up several smoothies. Yeah? You laid on us. Purple Rain, Heaven's Nectar. Okay, go on. It was actually really just those two.

But what is Purple Rain? What is Purple Rain? Purple Rain was blueberry, vanilla, yogurt, ice grapefruit juice and some strawberries. It was very good. And then what was it? Heaven's Nectar? Heaven's Nectar was

a large scoop of strawberries and a small scoop of mango. What year was this? This was 2004 through 2006. So 2003 to 2005. Did you work your way up that ladder? Yeah, I was making like $9 an hour by the time I finished.

Manager? No. Artist. Assistant manager? He's an artist. I don't think we had those. Trillium artist. What was your wedding hashtag? What was the one you pitched but your wife? The one that I pitched? Yeah.

Eat filet, she's a che. Oh, my God. Why does everything you come up with have to do with steak? Yeah, I was going to say, in the same vein as surf and turf. So, eat filet, she's a che? Yes. What the fuck? And your reasoning was what?

That beef filet mignon is like a standard. What about all the people that order chicken? They're not celebrating. I mean, tough. I mean, it's an option. Say, hey, eat some filet. Have something good. Eat filet.

She's a Che. I can't believe that one got caught on the air. So what did it end up being? Eat Che Love. One of a kind. One of a billion. That's way better. Way better.

It's funnier, yeah. Also a little like Caligulan little eating eating it sounds like you're eating the love of Stephen Che or some shit like that. It's nice.

Spicy. What's yours, Roan? I don't think I'm going to have one. Above that. No, you are. When in Roan. It's coming, Roan. That's good.

That's good. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. That's good. Very good. Let's get that mixed, not Adam and Steve. That's good. Very good. Oh, fucking fuck. Let's get that mixed up with some other people on the timeline. More people will see it.

Some hate. Hate sells. What the fuck else? I've been having trouble differentiating early battle rap insults like Roan wasn't built in a day. You know. Roan is burning.. Like, Roan wasn't built in a day. You know? A test tops.

Roan is burning. Test tossed to Roan. Test tossed to Roan. And you light a fire in the wedding hall and everyone dies. That's dope. That's dope. And yeah, it's like a Chicago fire,

Philly fire type thing. Memorable, yeah. That could be dope. I don't know. Steven, are you peeing sitting down right now these days? Most of the time, yes. Because you put it on the prep sheet.

Can you read the prep sheet? Otherwise, it sounds weird. No, let's just leave it at that. Yeah. You're just peeing sitting down now. Well, he says poop can come out freely when he's doing that. That's facts. That's facts, though.

I'm like surprised. So you go sit down for a piss and poop comes out easier when you're sitting. You sit to take a piss and you're like, oh, didn't see this coming. You're a complete liar

if that's never happened to you. I'm 100% sure. That's never happened to me. No, I usually know what I'm about to do. I've always known when I'm about to poop. Yeah, but of course,

but then it's a pretty quick turnaround, no? I'm on Stephen's side on this one. I will sit down and open up my asshole just in case something wants to come out. It's like I'll give my body the option to shit if it wants to shit. I don't want to

limit myself while I'm already in the same room as the bathroom. So then what's the percentage rate of when you sit to shit? Not high. Yeah, not high. I think it's more of a mental activation. Like hearing Guy Fieri. Much like hearing Guy Fieri. Fieri.

You guys don't do that? None of you? I do. I'm saying I do. I do that a lot. Sometimes I'll piss standing up, and then I'll just be like, all right, I got to shit now, too. That's weird. Well, no.

Do you guys pee sitting down a lot or no? Sometimes. Depends on the occasion. I try to always, or not always, but I try to often give myself the option to shit. If it's early, if it's like the middle of the night or really early in the morning, I'll piss sitting down. It's like the soup and sandwich. Yeah.

You want to have the option. Yeah. You want to be able to tap into one. Yeah. Exactly. You don't want to just go into the bathroom. Do you guys ever just shit and not pee? No pee comes out when you sit down to shit?

It's probably 94%. Really? You just come out bone dry? Yeah, I've never done that. No, I probably pee 94% of the time I sit down to shit. I have my boy Stinky Tony staying with me. He still is. You still do right now?

Yeah. Why is he here right now? I should have brought him in. Can you bring him in tomorrow? Bring him in now. What do you mean he's out tomorrow? He's out tomorrow. What do you mean he's out tomorrow? He's out. You still do right now? Yeah. Why is he here right now? I should have brought him in. Can you bring him in tomorrow? Bring him in now. What do you mean he's out tomorrow? He's out tomorrow. What do you mean he's out tomorrow?

He's out. He's going home. FaceTiming. But he shit in my bathroom and then he forgot to flush. It was the middle of the night. I walk in there in the morning. No toilet paper. Just poop.

People say they do that. I've always had, I've always taken umbrage with people saying that they have a no wiper. Because how do you know? How do you know if it's a no wiper? And second of all, did it not touch the rim of your asshole? Did the poop, a stinky fucking substance, drop out like a fucking spaceship? Because it can go either way. Sometimes you can think you have a no wiper and then you do have to wipe it.

And sometimes you can be like, oh, this one's going to be a pain in the ass to wipe. You know that. But you wipe every time. But sometimes after there's nothing. What do you mean? But yeah. You're not going far enough if there's nothing. Yeah, you're not going far enough.

You're not digging far enough in your asshole. Yeah, I am. No, you are. No, you're not. You're just kind of touching around the butt cheek. No, you're not. Tell me when to stop. That's like taking a shovel to like a gold mine and just like digging a little bit and being like, yep, no gold here.

No gold here. You know, I'm talking about like, yep, no gold here. No gold here. You know I'm talking about like... No, you don't. Also, the clean pinch ones are the ones that you get where... No, don't deflect. It'll just be... You don't. You walk around with poop in your butt.

I don't. I definitely don't. Show us your asshole. If you take a shit, there's going to be some remnants of poop around your... It doesn't matter. In some way. I rest my case.

I'm more... I just want to go back real quick. I want to go back to the clean pinch thing. Well, hold on. His name's Stinky Tony and you're surprised? Nope.

He doesn't stink at all. No. It was one day we were going on a road trip in college and he called shotgun and Neek was like, if you don't give me shotgun,

I'm going to give you a nickname that'll stick. That'll stink. And then you start calling him Stinky. Damn, Neeko is like that, isn't he? Yeah. Nico's ruthless.

Yeah, he's brutal. Cuts people down. Made a banger with Gaze, though. Made a banger with Gaze. Who? Had that shit on repeat. Gaze. Gaze.

Banned. The Gaze. Oh, okay. Now it's awkward. So Big Cat didn't watch Rediscovering America. He didn't watch the video. And it's big. Busted.

So you don't have five hours? What the fuck? Yeah, you just can't sit down and you're not big. Fuck. Just like put it up on your big screen. Damn it. The first three seconds,

just be like watching it. Damn it. I watched all the other ones. I missed this one. That's all right. Steven, you say eight NFL teams have at least 85% of the players vaccinated. What would you like us

to say about that? I just always like to include an NFL note. Classic liberal scam. Vaccination bullshit. I'm kind of loving the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. It just keeps getting

like a better street cred of just being the bad ass. Wait, but did you see that it comes with that nerve disease? Yeah, that's what I'm saying, though. It's a sign of being a badass.

Yeah. But it also protects you. Is that what you got? Yeah, I got that. Yeah, so did I. I also got that one. It protects you against the Delta variant, though.

You can't get to the Delta, I think. Bro, we're the most hardcore guys out there. So we're not going to get Delta, but we are going to get severe nerve damage like we got Agent Orange

and my fucking... You can afford to put a ramp and an elevator in your house? You're fine. Can I? Yeah, you can. You might be paying for mine too. Well, elevator already exists, but.

Oh. You didn't know, Sass? That's sick. No, of course I knew. Sass is like the Barstool version of the celebrity life of Big Cat.

He's got a house with an elevator. What a voice. Robin Leach. He makes so much money, he could reach to the moon and back. Twice. Holy shit. Oh, that's good. He was always putting teddy bears in jet planes and shit Oh that's good He was always Putting like teddy bears

In like jet planes And shit like that He's like He could fill a plane With teddy bears Fabergé eggs I might be my new Favorite accent you do

That's really good That is really good He's the person Who made the TikTok For like the BFFs And like the BFFs podcast And they were BFFs and the BFFs podcast. And they were like, the BFFs host podcast network, all of their net worths. And they're like, Brianna Chicken Fry, 1.5 million.

Well, hungover. I actually get a lot of tweets right now. It might be a low ball. Yeah, I'm getting a lot of tweets right now being like, where can I buy this? Explain that sweatshirt. And honestly, her net worth, it might not be realized. It might be like potential net worth. It might be like kinetic energy.

It's very true. What's the method where you don't feel it at all? You just kind of just go to sleep and then die? Is that what you're hoping for? Are you going to put that on a shirt? What? No. The easiest method.

Like the Kevorkian fucking... Yo, KB, you good? Are you all right, bro? Check in on your strong friends, bro. Fuck. Dude. Yeah. It's awkward not to be okay.

It's okay to not be okay. No, it's okay to not be okay. You're one of God's strongest warriors. That's why he's testing you. That's why he put that beetle juice on your shoulder. Four times. Both indoors and outdoors. That does sound like a biblical thing. It's like, I'll put a

beetle on you four times. And Stephen Chay will know. The only person in the world that will find it funny will happen to be standing next to you. On the fourth time, you'll know. One of them was just cicadas. It's like whatever's going on in like South Carolina now.

Where is it where there's like crazy like dragonflies or something like that? 17 years. The fact that locusts are just a fucking biblical foretelling of God coming around.

It's just like every, frogs. They're everywhere at all times. Fucking frogs. Frogs, dude. Fucking Bible's bullshit, bro. Maybe that'll be my protein. I think I'm gonna shave the staff. It's my favorite work, dude. Fucking Bible's bullshit, bro. Maybe that'll be my protein.

I think I'm going to shave the staff. It's my favorite work of fiction. Fucking Bible. Stash is going. No, don't. I think it's gone. Why? Diet before you shave it.

Why? Why? We still have the jet black. Keep it and put it in your smoothie. What is... Yeah, yeah. How bad is your protein? What's changed your mind, honestly?

I don't know. What happened throughout this show? Zoom in again on this thing. Maybe this will change it. Yeah, maybe this zoom will change it. Look at yourself right there. You can't even see it. No, you can when you zoom in.

Watch. You've got to let it grow in some. You can't see it. Can't see it. We said a month. You can see it there. Can't see it. Boom!

It's like an idea there. Wow. And now you can see it. It's abstract. It's like a suggestion of a mustache. Yeah, it's like a mustache jumped off a building. That's the chalk outline. The shadow of a mustache.

I just don't know if I have it in me. To wait a whole month for it to grow in? Is that? That's what it says online. Wait, what? What did you Google? Pull up your Google history. Yeah, what did you, like, 20-year-old boy mustache growth time.

It says it takes a month for your mustache to fully grow in. That can't be a blanket statement. That's not even close to the 10,000 hours of mustaches. What? I think it makes sense. Just because you could grow a mustache in a day. I think it makes sense. Just because you could grow a mustache in a day or two doesn't mean that your mustache would reach full potential

in a day or two. It would be like a week or two. Well, they said it takes a month. But people have different facial hair. Yeah, it's like a chemical, testosterone. No, no, no. It's one month to the day. Well, I would say mine's probably at peak potential, to be honest.

No way. Yeah. Someone walks by and they're like, nice mustache. Like, actually, we're only on day 24. Not quite. No, not a nice mustache. Save that. Or February.

It grows a little faster in February. I'm going to tape my pubes to my upper lip. You have a lot of pubes. I do. Big pube guy. Don't be lip. You have a lot of pubes. I do. Big pube guy. Don't have your bush out, bro. I see him, yeah. Nah.

All right, so wait. We're going to do... What's the smoothie? Oh, yeah. Fruit? I think we should scratch meat. Just make it a protein. It could be peanut butter.

It could be fucking protein powder. It could be like a tofu. It could be fucking... Hard-boiled egg? You must be not on your gains if you think peanut butter is protein. How about we just go three ingredients dealer's choice.

Dealer's choice, three ingredients. No, you need a liquid. You gotta have a liquid. A beverage. No, any liquid. Let's go four ingredients. Four ingredients. But it has to all be edible, right?

You can't be doing lighter fluid. Four ingredients has to be a beverage, a liquid, and a fruit, and the other two are grab-bats. And they have to be blendable. Well, that's debatable. Okay, you're right. Nothing raw. No raw meat. No raw meat.

No raw meat. Raw beef. No raw beef or chicken. No raw chicken. No raw meat. No raw beef. No raw beef or chicken. No raw chicken. No, you can't eat raw beef either. Yes, you can. Dude, what are you talking about? We're going to put raw beef in all of this.

I forgot how Sass gets on these drafts. We're going to blindfold you. We're going to need an eight-hour show. We're going to blindfold you for sure. I thought we said no raw meat. No, We're going to need like an eight-hour show. Blindfold you for sure. And raw beef. I thought we said no raw meat. No, no. All right, well, raw beef is fine.

No raw chicken. Throw a New York strip in the fucking blender. No raw chicken, no raw sausage. Fair. Huh? Sausages. Is it okay? Yeah, sausage should be fine.

Because like a raw hot dog basically is sausage. Dude, that is going to be so fucking gross. Yeah, so hot dog would be great. Yeah. Hot dog wouldn't be good. I'm going to do a hot dog. Yeah. I'm going to do chicken.

So one of them should just be a hot dog smoothie. I'm going to do a hot dog reduction. Yeah, it's going to be... Pink slime. Yeah, like mustard, ketchup, relish, hot dog. Yeah. Dude, that's going to ruin your weekend. No. No. What? Why? That's what that's going to ruin your weekend. No.

No. What? Why? That's what it's like in his town. Oh, no. My big weekend that I had planned. So people will bring in good ingredients for a smoothie as well. Because we want to be safe.

Throw a steak in there. But remember, wait, remember, this is a draft. So it's like you bring the ingredients. You get to make your. You're going to get stuck with something. Yeah. So you don't have to drink the meat unless you pick it right don't pick well i didn't want to have the habaneros last time and then i ate them why'd you pick them because i didn't expect them to be that spicy so so that's

perfect it said online that they're not spicy so we'll do a vegetable there'll be a veg or sorry a fruit everyone's got to bring one fruit everyone's got to bring one liquid and then everyone brings two grab bags so the grab bags will be its own pile and everyone has to pick two out of that. Right. And then the leftovers are Che's smoothie. And we put ice in all of them. Ice and I think milk.

Ice comes standard. That's where the liquid comes in. What about a little scoop of ice cream? No, that could be one of the ingredients. Everybody gets a scoop. A scoop of ice cream on the top when you're done. One scoop of ice cream. When it's blended, you put it on top.

We're not doing smoothies. We're doing floats. So we'll all have ice cream. A little fro-yo? A fro-yo. I really wish I had a frozen yogurt machine. A blendini. These are kind of blendinis.

Yeah. How much is a frozen yogurt machine? I thought I just rented one for a day. It'd be nothing to use. Can you afford that? Yeah, you're good. Again? We'll have to move some things around.

This man could afford 14 frozen yogurt machines. Twice. Frozen yogurt machine looks like about $1,500. For Tobias? How many could he afford? Oh, no, sorry. For all of us. Yeah, it looks like Tobias. Wait, and what is it? What many could he afford? Oh, no, sorry. For all of us. Yeah, it looks like to buy.

Wait, and what is it? Like, what's the upkeep? I bet the ingredients. Dude, you ever watch Shops? Come on. No, I don't. I have never watched it. Do you have any idea how much yogurt costs at bulk?

No. Okay, let me just ask this. If I bought a frozen yogurt machine, is there someone who would take care of it after that? You'd need a butler for it. Of course, I would. It's for the office, I'm saying. You'd be the yogurt butler for the whole office?

I got everyone real fat. Do fro-yo machines break a lot? Is that a thing? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You're the guy who's in charge of it. They had a fro-yo machine in my school dining hall, and that shit was broken every other day. It's like a fucking McDonald's milk kit

No, it would be in there They don't want to break it down and clean it And you'd hold it down and it would just go so slow And you'd stand there for like an hour waiting to just get one scoop of Froyo Would you wipe the nozzle after? No You definitely don't wipe the nozzle Gross

How would I wipe the nozzle? Exactly That's frozen yogurt etiquette, bro Yeah, so it doesn't harden in the reservoir tip. You got to lick the nozzle. Just a little lick. He doesn't wipe his ass. Yeah, that's how we know you don't clean your ass enough.

With your dirty nozzle. His ass is like a cat. I scrub my ass. Wait, didn't we say wiping your ass is sus, though? Yeah, we did. Mad sus. I think we just said gay. Your fingers.

Good old days. God, PC culture these days. I hate PC culture. You can barely even do this show anymore. Ruining America, et cetera. They just want to be woke. Everybody knows wiping your ass is gay. Get off your pedestal.

You're virtue signaling. Seriously, what will it be next week? Clipping your fucking toenails. Sucking cock. Yeah. Apple cider vinegar. what it will be next week clipping your fucking toenails sucking cock yeah apple cider vinegar you guys see this Owen Sharks guy

yeah yeah damn that's funny that's pretty funny is he a barstool athlete so actually nevermind actually I'm gonna say it

so what is the whole barstool athlete thing alright that's our show. Are you serious? It's the act. It's the act. It's the act. Yeah, it's time to talk shop. We're doing Yankees love. It's the act.