The Yak - Forget Everything You Know About Money, Stool Semen, and Who Stole Frank's Chocolate Football? A Yak Whodunit

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

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Hey Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Sounds dope. You know what I've been into recently? Bitcoin. I could have guessed that. Really? Yeah. What about me? You wear it on your sleeve. Why?

That I'm in the fin community? I wear my fins on my sleeve? Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I would hate the, we have 30 plus minutes, maybe 40 plus. Yeah. We can just play back for the fans.

I wasn't here on Friday, so do you mind if we just listen to it so I can hear all of it? We can talk about it first, preview it, and then we can play back all 40 minutes. What about Roan re-listens to the episode while we do anything else? Okay. You didn't like the

Bitcoin episode? It made me feel dumb. Did it make you't like the Bitcoin episode? It made me feel dumb. Did it make you feel like you missed the boat? Oh, yeah. Did it make you feel poor? No, it made me... No. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Why? I thought that it's all about... I thought Bitcoin's all about how rich you are. Oh, brother. Oh, boy. It's not quite about... What's the... Making money.

Those crypto... Cryptards that are listening right now, they're shaking their head at you. Because, Roan, you are very lost. But I'm saying if I had 10 bitcoins and bitcoins are worth $40,000, don't I have $400,000? You don't pluralize bitcoin, first of all. You have 10 bitcoin. I haven't heard that episode. Yeah.

What do you know about that shit, Owen? Are you into it? Yeah. For real? Mm-hmm. Damn. What is this episode about? What's this little segment about that we're going to hear soon?

I want you to tell me as much as you can about it before we listen to all of it. I can. I'll let Marty Bent do that. Marty Bent? Mr. Marty Bent? Mr. Bent. He's actually right here. Mr. Bent? We're about to get bent?

Let's fucking get it. Mr. makes me think that, well, we'll get to that later in the episode, probably. We'll definitely get to that later in the episode. But for the time being, let's talk a little bit more about what's about to come up on this bitcoin segment yeah because i feel like the whole world is going to change once bitcoin takes over which inevitably will yeah it's could be happening right now it is happening right now the revolution the revolution's happening okay you ain't on coin sorry jesus why are you are you asleep no but this this mic has like a kind of like an eerie sound to it i just wanted to minimize that but no i'm not in a bitcoin i wish i was i would suggest i mean when i was working here years ago we had a a floor that was the cryptocurrency corner

and uh i was highly encouraged to get in it when it was six seven eight nine and uh yeah now it's at 40 or 32 i guess it fell a little bit after marty's appearance what uh what do we what do you need riches for though you know yeah i'm rich in happiness exactly you don't need riches you're you're rich in happiness uh kb's rich in sarcasm and nick is rich in duplicitousness you're rich in sneak thanks man you You're rich in sneak. Thanks, man. You got that good ass sneak. But why keep on waffling when we can get right into the Bitcoin segment right now?

Yeah, let's do it. Just fucking kidding, you fucking dummies. You fucking idiots. We were never going to get into that Bitcoin. I wasn't here, but you guys were talking about it. We're on clown mode. Baby, it's not about making you cum. It's about changing the way, changing the definition of come i have come i have a lot of

come did you make her come no didn't have to didn't have to i changed the way she perceived come she doesn't know what the definition means come is usually very centralized i gaslit her into thinking she's coming so it's not a gaslight i'm helping her everyone's winning someone else i gave her a placebo orgasm felt just as good the banks have all the cum now yes the banks have i don't want my i don't want orgasms regulated no you. You never have. That's the problem. They're trying to fucking, I mean, the way some countries come, it's just, it's wrong. But we're entering a whole new, a whole new age of that.

What we really want to talk about is, is our friend Elon Musk. And man, did we get into some shit about fucking Elon, about Elon. I actually don't remember. I do. It was about his car doors. Oh, yeah. He had some butterfly doors. And, well, why explain the entire segment before it happens when we can just play it?

You can play it. Let's play it. I was watching the Elon Musk seminar this weekend where, like, I guess they were solving the problem of having a car with butterfly doors open up in a tight parking lot. And so it was such a fucking plus first world problem. It was like this. But the crowd was going ap shit. I don't know if they're Tesla stockholders, if they all work for Tesla, but they were going so crazy at the butterfly doors opening up during this seminar.

It was beautiful. Honestly, it made me want to buy Tesla. Did you guys watch the Neuralink presentation he did? No. You didn't see it? No. Dude, send it around. It's boring as fuck. I want to see it. But it's crazy. Alright, I want to see it. I's boring as fuck. I want to see it. But it's crazy. All right. I want to see it.

I just love the idea of Elon Musk has changed cars, makes this awesome butterfly door car, and then some schlubby guy comes in and be like, hey, Elon, what about parking garages? They're like, fuck. Can't take it to the grocery store. Shit. Until now, that must have been a major problem. They got to the end of the fucking production of it. You can't open it anywhere.

Yeah, the actual parking attendant at, like, Musk Enterprises walked in and was like, hey, we just tried to open your car in the garage and it broke everything. But now the problem is it probably goes too tall. Now it's like it goes 10 feet in the air, like a tiny-ass parking garage. It's definitely going to dust the fucking top of it. There's no working on it. He put computers inside pigs' brains. Oh, I do remember. I didn't watch that,

but I remember reading an article about that. Fuck it. It's crazy. What's the result? They're fine. They die instantly. Do you guys think I don't know if this was something

that was my no, I don't think it was my theory, but it was someone someone I've I can't use my words right now because I was here late last night. I prescribed to the theory that Elon Musk is actually subscribe prescribed either both. I

subscribe and prescribe the theory that elon musk is just jeff bezos beard in that he's like a dumb we're gonna revolutionize the world type of scientist and then jeff bezos is actually doing like elon musk is putting chips into pigs brains and working on like lamborghini doors you're right jeff bezos is actually like watching everyone and everything they do and creating drones that will will become our overlords so we're all like haha look at the robot dog slipped on a banana peel they'll never figure this out elon musk is the forerunner to the end of the world he is the he's the front he's the front business so like when elon musk throws Musk throws that brick through his tank and it breaks and everyone has a

good chuckle, they'll never figure out science. Jeff Bezos is sitting in his lair being like, dude, that's not the real thing. He does sexy science. Like, oh, we're going to go to Mars. Right. Or the stuff that dumb people think science is. He's probably going to work on flying cars or some shit. Or jet pack.

Flamethrowers. The dumb stuff that people do. Do you think Jeff Bezos hasn't been to Mars? He's been to Mars. Bezos probably, yeah. He probably already has an apartment up there. Elon even has a villain name. Right! How many times has Batman punched a Jeff? Yes. Never. Exactly.

If you want to have a quick existential crisis, Elon Musk says it's more likely we're in a video game than not. Yeah, That worked. I'm not having a crisis about that at all. I'm cool. You should be.

Why? Would you act any different if you were in a video game? Like The Sims? No, I suppose not. Good job. There you go. Yep. We just popped that bubble.

Whoever's controlling my avatar is a fucking pussy. Let's go do some fun shit. I don't know. I think he's going off right now. I kind of think whoever's controlling you avatar is a fucking pussy. Let's go do some fun shit. I don't know. I think he's going off right now. I kind of think whoever's controlling you is fucking on one. Nah, I want to go do some fun shit. Absolutely. Let's go rob a bank.

Fucking high score. Like, what the fuck? Your guy's a badass. No, he understands consequences. If you rob the bank, there'd be like 30 levels of the game where you're just sitting in a jail cell. That wouldn't be as fun point all right um monday we uh touch base with uh none other than jennifer jizz um we've had some some leads and getting in contact with her. And obviously that led us to her blowing every member of Stool Bench Mob. Yeah, that's right. All at the same time.

What about the 10 out of 10 riff that you were going to do? Yeah. I thought you were going to do that. I said lead us into the riff. Lead us into the riff and I'll take us into the clip. All right. We were talking about barstool bench mob yeah bmob yeah and uh that's a mouthful right and uh they were going to uh

give somebody else a mouthful jenny jizz known dick sucker and calm lover lover uh jenny jizz who owen is you're in correspondence with is she your friend or is she just a means to an end she's a friend for now until what Owen has such an unsuckable dick that he needs a middle man

in order to get in contact with Jenny Jizz someone who sucks hordes of dick it looks suckable it even tapers yeah to benefit sucking it doesn't look suckable it tastes suckable it tastes suckable too but it just there's something about it you know how there's like sometimes you get a straw and it's broken and you can't quite and you don't there there's no discernible hole no in the straw but you can't get it. You cannot get it.

That's your dick. I disagree. But it's like if you talk to an electrician and you're like, I need my electricity worked on, every electrician will do it. But somehow like this famed dick sucker just simply refuses to suck your dick I'm not trying to get her to suck my dick I mean That's a semantic You're trying to elicit a dick suck out of her She doesn't care if it's you

Tom Dick or Harry You know what You don't hang out You don't talk to Jenny Jizz unless you want your dick sucked. Yeah. I'm trying to change her. That's like me hanging out with Stephen Che if I don't want, well, my dick sucked. Let's get into this clip.

All right, let's listen to it. KB, no gag. Oh. Oh. Oh, Owen. Quick, Owen. Mm-hmm. Quick, Owen. Owen, have you talked to Jenny Jizz?

No. I love a pregnant pause, though. Maybe we should use our celebrity booking department. Or Kate, who already has it in with Jenny Jizz. When we last left Friday, you acted like there was momentum there. There is. I don't think this is the show for it. Oh, what?

This is the... What? I forgot to follow up. I see. I didn't know if you were pawning her off on one of the other shows that you work on. Benchmark? Yeah. Jenny Jizz is statistically the most attainable woman in the world so if we can't

we can't even get her platonically then we maybe you need a new job Kelly Martin maybe this isn't for you Speaking of, you should book her on Benchmop Kelly Martin. Maybe this isn't for you. Speaking of.

You should book her on Benchmob. That would be a hell of a pot. Listening to Jenny Jizz suck off Marty Mush, Jake Marsh, and Rico Bosco one in a row. Let's do an impression of that. Marty. Marty. Nick, you're Marty

Brandon can play Marty Brandon knows Marty well Nick will play Marty She's sucking off them simultaneously How many mouths does she have? Does she rotate? She'll rotate She has a flashlight in both hands

Rowan you're Bosco I want Caleb as Marsh Maybe a ski pole. She has a flashlight in both hands. All right, Rowan, you're Bosco. Okay. Yeah, okay. I want Caleb as Marsh. Yeah. Someone who can play, who can embody Marsh getting sucked. Steven. Steven could be Marsh. Steven is Marsh, yeah.

Someone, okay, yeah, Steven. Who are you going to be, KB? He's Jenny Jivs. I'm Facilita. No, you're Jenny Jivs. I'm the conductor. You're Kubrick. Yeah, I'm Kubrick.

Who's like a top porn director? I'm Zimmer. Phoenix Marie. I know she was trying to pivot into directing. Okay, and... Speed for sound. Who's getting sucked first? I think it's simultaneous.

Who's mouth? Who's the mouth? She's got two fleshlights in both hands. And she's got a mouth. Kyle, did you run out of brain energy for this? You seem to have just hit a rock there. I'm giving you guys an alley-oop. You guys say action.

Oh, okay. Steven, you know what you're doing? Welcome into stool semen. Oh, no. And he went off screen. That was good. Yeah, that was good. Was that Marsh?

Yeah, that was Marsh. That was Marsh. He's hosting the festivities. Stool semen. That was good. Yeah, that was good. Was that marsh? Yeah, that was marsh. That was marsh. He's hosting the festivities. Stool semen. That was good. Great. That was a great bit.

Some things are bigger than my cock. Why is it called head when it's the furthest thing from my head? We're getting somewhere. Let's get a crack at it. from my head. We're getting somewhere. Marty's penis head is about 50 inches from his chin. That's pretty far. That's massively far. 50

burger on my balls. 50 50 burger on my balls or something like that someone's daughter someone's daughter a mouth fucking someone's daughter there you go thank you and finally Nick

as Marty why don't they build a wall around my cock? Why does the jizz just flow out? There needs to be a wall in front of my cock to keep the jizz from flowing out. The fuck? I came. Nailed it Yeah Unmistakable

Steven roasted our asses That's beautiful You have to spell out fuck Steven I think this is the TB12 method I think you're getting funnier and better looking Could be a side effect More lucid

He goes home and reads the back of the book Side effects may include being way funnier Tom Brady is notoriously a cut up Since he did the method Funny ass dude Good ass Instagrams too Maybe your Instagrams will get way better Yeah I'm really bad at Instagram

No don't say that You use like half of Instagram shows up on this prep sheet. No. Yeah, like pretty much whatever you do with your son over the weekend shows up on the prep sheet. That's good. You just turn it into a question. The other category is all time today.

Yes, it is. Go ahead. You want to read it, Steven? I don't have it in front of me. Brandon. Samsung is in production with robots that will pour you a glass of wine, do your laundry, and other household chores. The other other

is Sex and the City is being rebooted. Those are our two others today. Same characters? There's no... I was looking at the characters of the typeface and I was like, Those are our two others today. Same characters? Yeah, no. I was one of the characters of the typeface, and I was like, yeah, pretty much. Which one's Samantha? Sarah Jessica Parker?

She's the older one. She's the horse face one. Yeah. No, no, no. Samantha's not the horse face one. You can't say that. Samantha's the big whore, right? Samantha's the slutty whore.

Yes, yes. That's Cynthia Nixon. And why is she not coming back? She's in politics now. She's crazy, right? Wouldn't one of them get crazy? Well, they're all women. Whoa.

Brandon. Brandon. Thank you. Boo. So therefore, they're crazy. Brandon, read that first one again. Why? If I were a pedophile.

And we're back. Damn. Samsung is Samsung's on one. Samsung is big time on one. They're making a washing machine is that what they're saying? A robot that'll do your laundry for you? And pour you a glass of wine so they've invented the bottle.

It's a kegerator and a washing machine all in one. Thanks, Samsung. You did it. Elon Musk is out here fucking reinventing butterfly doors and that's the best they can come up with samsung is inventing a way for you watch comedy specials an apparatus that will take your poop down the toilet tired of your poop just being in your pants samsung's got your back.

At first glance, this may just look like a hard porcelain chair. Why don't you go ahead and take a seat? Feel the need to shit? Go ahead. No more masks. Sold. Sold. Sold. Damn. So Owen really can't get that broad to suck dicks, even with his nice taper. That beautiful tapered dick that looks like a bone pit.

Like he's sweat pant. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a jogger, a jogger leg. A jogger leg. It just tapers to a beautiful. Well, that's just due to his foreskin is shrinking. He washed it with cold water.

He washed his dick with hot water and his foreskin shrunk. He forgot to read the tag. You can't rip the tag off his dick. It's a federal crime. He doesn't fit. He went up a side. He doesn't fit anymore. This next clip is about fat guys in basketball jerseys.

See, I don't remember this. I don't think I was here for that. No, you were. It was Monday. It was Monday? You've been here. Yeah. Fat guys in basketball jerseys?

Caleb was talking about gaining weight, and then Big Cat told him the secret. Oh, yeah. Now I remember. To get a basketball jersey. Can we listen to the clip to refresh me? Yeah, let's play it. When all your friends who look hot have their shirts off, you get a basketball jersey. Throwback. Or a Glenny Ball.

You wear it open up or something like that so you only see the middle part of the chest. You don't know if those are going to go into pecs or titties on the outside. That's actually what I just did for New Year's Eve. If you see a picture of like four dudes with a six pack and then there's one dude with like a 1994 Charles Barkley

son's jersey. He's figured it out. I see him. Yeah, he's a total legend. He's a total... Oh, shit, dude. Sorry. We only got four girls. There's five of us. That's all right. I'll sit this out.

I'm the round mound rebound. I'll just sit in the corner and get fucking wasted and piss myself. Someone has to do that, though. Someone needs to fill that role of a group of friends. And then they wake up the next morning and be like, last night was legendary. We all fucked. That dude's like asking, hey, we have a deck of cards or something? Dude, I'm getting a blowjob right now.

Bro, you guys want to put some Yahtzee? Should anyone have a quarter? We're called Shotzi. This is going to be sick. Oh, man. Oh, man. It hurts my own feelings. It's crazy how quick you can get fat. Oh, it i literally bullshit i got it's

bullshit yeah i got fat in probably literally five or six weeks and it's so hard like i could put on 20 pounds in like maybe three weeks and i it would take me a year to take it off. Now, do you remember the clip? Yeah. It's funny because when some guys get fat, they wear a basketball jersey and it shows off their arms and they act like their arms being fat is them being jacked. I feel like that's

something, KB, that you would particularly have a disdain for guys with fat arms. I don't like fat arms. On guys or girls? What about like a lunch lady? On lunch ladies. Our minds went directly to lunch ladies.

Judy Cheese. Why do the fat... Chief? Chief? Chief? All right, we had a lunch man who said, Peachy? We had a pizza oven, a brick oven pizza,

but it sounded like he was telling us peaches.aches yeah lunch people can't talk they struggle with that they struggle with a lot of things most things but including that as a child you don't know that though there's like an inherent respect in a lunch person they had the most respect no i, I'm saying now in retrospect, there's not a lot of respect. But at the time, a lunch person is a figure of like a figurehead of the school. Yeah. It's like right behind the dean and the Latin teacher. Bus driver. And the bus driver.

Bus drivers are the same as lunch people, I think. Could be wrong, though. But we have good news for the, you know what But we have good news for the people at home. A little more Bitcoin talk, my friends. On Tuesday, we talked more about Bitcoin. And man, it did shit good off the rails. Because we were talking about altcoins, too. And some Dogecoins, Bitcoin wallets, the blockchain.

We were really getting into the nitty gritty of what makes Bitcoin great. And part of that is vending machines. Yeah, it took us, that speaks for Bitcoin and how awesome and safe and reliable it is that it took us five days to find one flaw. Just one. And we were putting all of our time into it. Yeah, I spent all of my time thinking. And then I was eating plain toasty toast scoops.

You were eating that, yeah. That you had just gotten from a vending machine. That I had just gotten from a vending machine. And I said, wow, I'm so lucky I was able to just get these scoops. And then I realized, wow, I need to check my privilege. Crypto boy. I think that part of Bitcoin is that every transaction ever is on like a ledger or something like that. So you wouldn't be able to anonymously buy your, like the whole community gets to see what you're doing.

So you wouldn't even be able to buy your corn chips anonymously on Bitcoin. Which is whack. That's just whack. Don't you like to be able to buy shit in private, KB? Yes. Yes. I knew you did.

Well, we have... Teslas. You've been sneakily buying Teslas? Not the car. If you know, you know. The coil. This next clip is... We'll play it right now cut out the middleman it is true

very easy it's not about making money caleb no that's what i always have to tell you but it makes yourself the middleman give him the speech yes caleb i mean where do i even fucking begin with this dude? Go ahead. Lay into him. Roast my ass. Drop the line. I just need you to forget everything you know. Can you do that for me?

Yeah. Yes. Gone? Is it gone? Yeah, it's gone. Now you know Bitcoin. Your brain is empty. Have you ever wanted to be rich and do nothing?

Yeah. You know what's better than money? Being able to tell a bunch of random people online, I told you so. Buy Bitcoin. You want to be rich without the glitz, the glamour, the money. How would you like to not be able to afford to use a vending machine? Yeah, that's their kryptonite. Oh, no.

You want a bag of chips? Right now? Dude, a Bitcoin millionaire craving Fritos. Talk to me in 10 years. He's like, fuck. What do I do? Shit.

Damn, we got to get Pomp on the line. Get Pomp in here here i pretended to know him what an awful sweatshirt that is kyle i know i just i just saw your gold zipper with like yeah it's so bad why is it why is it bad i don't think it's that bad i don't i'm not into this why are you wearing it though this is i like this i like that but the zipper is what does it for me it's a little much on your zipper. Gold zipper.

Yeah, that's kind of cool, too. Did you get that for free? Yeah. From whom? No, I bought it. Did you actually? Yeah, a lot. Wait, how much did you spend on that?

A lot. Wait a minute. I'm looking it up. No, no, because it's stupid. You won't know. Where did you buy it? It doesn't matter. Where did you go shopping?

Did you get it at a secondary market? It doesn't matter. Because the tigers on the sleeves are like a POW tattoo, kind of. It's like a Vietnam veterans tattoo. It's on eBay for $95.45 plus $12 shipping. This is the better one. It's the same exact

one. Why did you buy it if you don't like the tigers on the sleeve? I do like the tigers on the sleeve. I love the tigers on the sleeve. I thought they were cool. Cole Bennett wore them once in a lyrical lemonade video. I looked through every single comment.

Only compliments. No, nobody talks shit on his Tigers. What do you think? That's more about Cole Bennett. Then I don't know. Maybe a similar physique. I thought a man made the clothes, though. Is it that you think that clothes makes the man?

I guess I learned the hard way fuck i've seen like detroit tigers hats with like a big tiger patched out on the side this is my first day i had this for like 10 months first day having the confidence to wear iting no one would point it out at all. You should have rolled up the sleeves the first day and just one by one put them down throughout the day. But you couldn't even roll them up. Those patches are so big. You can't roll up the sleeves. The patches are heavy. Yeah.

I can't even like move my arms. Like I'm doing curls. Yeah. So you saw Cole Bennett and then you looked up. Did you finish the video or did you be like, I have to get this now? Yeah. I was like, I have to get this now? I can rock this. I love the... I like it. I like it.

They're like the arm guards that archers wear. Tigers. You look like a falconer. Okay. He's going to have a tiger land on his arm. Y'all played too much. Y'all played damn too much. Share your mic with Owen KB so he can roast you.

I don't hate the sweatshirt. Maybe if it was just the tiger patches. But the massive chest logo is hideous. I like the chest logo best. I think the chest logo is tight. And how much did you spend on it? Shut up. What are we getting into?

You know what I thought of the other day that kind of blows my mind? Do you guys actually know how the stock market works? No, of course not. Who moves the price? Yeah, I have no idea. I don't know anything about the stock market i don't know i don't know what it is either it's so much easier to just be broke i have no money i have no money yeah it is so much easier

you never have to worry about that shit fuck money bro like how do you who who is controlling the knob where it's like bitcoin is 40 and then drops to 32 like i never even regulated it was a knob steve the only knob i can control is my own and that's why i use roman swipes most guys have tried different ways to last longer like uh thinking about give me something to think about, Roan. The disappointments of years past. Bitcoin. I've been thinking about Bitcoin, but that doesn't always work. Folks at Roman, an online men's health company, are changing the game with Roman swipes. The secret to longer-lasting sex.

Roman swipes are clinically proven as a way to last longer in bed. They're effective, easy to use, fast acting and don't require prescription. Roman can ship swipes to you in discreet, unmarked packaging. And each swipes packet is small enough to hide in your wallet or wherever you need it. KB, you have big old pockets on that hoodie. You have a lot of swipes in there. Yeah. Wouldn't be needing them. But yeah, you can just look at that sweatshirt if you're about to come they're super easy to use just take the swipes out of the packet swipe it on let it dry you're good to go that's it and you can go to get roman.com slash yak to get your first month of

swipes for just five dollars when you choose a monthly plan that's get roman.com slash yak the uh i don't think this sweatshirt's that bad. That was not. Now the audience is going to think it. It is very passable. It's black. It has a black background. It's like mostly a black sweatshirt.

I didn't even see the tigers that go from your wrist to your bicep until just now, until they were right up in my face. And you may think maybe it's just like a white tiger blends. No, it's an orange tiger with a big red mouth, a gaping maw. You watched Jeopardy yesterday. No, I didn't. Maul was one of the answers on Jeopardy yesterday. Three-letter words. What the fuck, dude?

That's fucking crazy. Bro, the fucking simulation just went bad, my boys. It's fucked. Nicky, what was that no i know what that was he does what mgk lyrics yeah did you know that kb you don't listen to mgk you strike me as someone who listened to the album once tweeted that it was good and then uh never listened to it again no i know the song taking a razor and like putting a laser at his head and spraying the walls red. No, that's a different one. Oh, wait.

No, that is the same one. Is it, Owen? Just what? But. Fuck. Can we use music on podcasts? You've got to put in that fucking MP3. That's Bloody Valentine.

Yeah, Bloody Valentine by MGK. Fucking play that shit for just a couple seconds. Fair usage. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Pop punk. The last clip of this week that we're about to play for you, Stephen Che has been saying that this was a top three episode of the act ever. What's a nice acronym for for that t t e o t y e e t o t

this is one of the tots of the the yak and uh it was a good old-fashioned whodunit. What are some of your motherfuckers' favorite whodunits? I love Murder on the Orient Express. You said it, not me. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. You said that shit on accident. I kept the old law. I always do.

Hard tea. It was a hard tea. It was a hard tea. I'll give you that. Orient. I'll pat myself on the back, I guess. Guy on the fucking Orient Express. Express.

The fucking, these expresses these days. The expresses are all Where they come from Where they come from Where's the American expresses A guy who doesn't know What credit cards are Yeah the fucking What's next

The What other whodunits Even are there Clue and knives Out of my mind Went right to Holmes Oh Sherlock Yeah Yes Well This one might have What other whodunits even are there? Clue and Knives. My mind went right to Holmes. Oh, Sherlock.

Yeah. Yes. Well, this one might have trumped them all because our friend of the program, Frank the Tank, I think made one of his Yak debuts. Was it his hard debut? His hard, yeah. He was on our pod last week. A soft opening. He's had cameos, but this was a feature.

This was a feature. And he played the role fantastically. And, I mean, I want you guys to be able to listen. There were no roles being played. I don't think anyone knew the truth besides the person who knew the truth. Yeah, a lot of it was in doubt. No one knew who had done it. People were calling in.

People had a lot of ideas. There was skulld knew who had done it people were calling in people had a lot of ideas there was skulldudgery for sure there was some sneakiness going on there was there was uh backstabbing there was romance a lot of romance time there was romance time to the tragedy which made it a comedy uh everything happened honestly it It was one of the most complete episodes ever. And, well, let's give it a listen. Who stole Frank's chocolate football? I don't know. Probably Roan, right? Probably Roan.

That would make a lot of sense. I mean, the main... Two of the major suspects are in this room. Roan is the main suspect because it was found on his desk. KB is a suspect, and you're also a friend suspect. How am I a friend? And how is KB a suspect? You love chocolate.

Fair. See? Fair. Put him up there. And KB's writing sample was identical. I have a hard alibi. I have a good alibi. What did the ransom note say?

Why don't you tell us, KB? Yeah. It said Mr. Fleming, which is something that you would say. That's true. You always call him Mr. Tank, Mr. Fleming. You call everybody Mr. Roan, Mr. Cat. I got a DM, Roan, and it was they reviewed the video. What video?

The one that was on Twitter. What video is that? It was when we found out that it was taken. The football was taken. Well, I wasn't here when you found out. Well, I know. You walk in and you said this. You said, if I did a ransom note, I wouldn't have just written it.

I would cut out magazine letters. You didn't see the ransom note yet. You weren't aware. Oh, my God. Also, it was obviously you because you do this stuff every day. All right, all right, all right. I'm going to defend Roan here for a second, though. He does do this stuff, but he always does it with a better twist than just, ooh, the

football's on Roan's desk. It was on my desk. How do you know the twist hasn't happened yet? That's true. People are actually saying that I'm the twist because I have now secured the football in my whatever you call it. It's going to be a filing cabinet. It's a great long play.

You ended up with the football. I have it locked away. No one has the football. Was the football just for Frank? No, it was for all of us. That's the part that kills me. Frank has been talking about this football. He's like, hey, one of these days,

I'm going to bring in this chocolate football and we're all going to eat it. While we're watching football. Which we're going to do on Sunday. Who doesn't come in on Sunday? Roan, Caleb, KB. It's funny how Nick is so eager to accuse

me. He's the one who found it, Roan. He's the one that found it. And he found it very quickly. Why did you find it? I didn't find it quickly. He found it quickly, Brandon? I felt like you found it kind of quickly. Yeah. I didn't even know which desk was Roan's. I'd ask Big Ed. Oh, yeah. He didn't know what desk was mine. So you just got lucky that you picked Roan's desk?

No, I said, where's Roan's sit? And I went to Big Ed's, and I was moving stuff around Big Ed's desk. Okay. That sounds suspicious. I'm sure it does, but it's the truth. Because you sit over there next to him. You suspect. He's been to my desk every day.

I always confuse him. Always. There is some desk confusion in that area oh no i think nick did it now what motive do i have i think i'm a frankette i come in on sunday i was going to eat some of that football but you also want you're jealous of roan for being the video guy yeah and you were the first person this morning that volunteered your services to video for why wouldn't i want to do that? By the way, I don't know why.

It's just so funny to me. Every time that Frank, like someone suggests someone else videotape him doing sodas, he's just like, but the people love Ron. I mean, I do. The people love Ron. When he does the dung, dung, dung, I move the camera with the music. It's like we have a shorthand. And why would I jeopardize, Caleb, what I was building with Frank by putting doubt in his mind that accused me of being the one? Has Vibber been ruled out? I think you wanted to flip it.

That's why you hit it intentionally poorly on your desk. And the handwriting on the note, Vib's admitted, looks like his handwriting. In the tiers of suspects, the top three are Roan, Nick, and Jeff Vibber. Okay, so I think it's either Roan and Nick together or Jeff Vibber. I made it from the West Coast back to New York with a painting that someone didn't want stolen. And that took several days. You think that in like within five minutes of starting to look a football gets

gets immediately found. I think you intentionally you wanted to look like you were framed by Jeff. So you have no competition. You framed yourself. Yes. Yeah. Who wrote the note then? You. I don't make my R's like that. But why would you write to? Why would anyone write a

ransom note in your own hand you're the only person that doesn't have a letter similar what are you talking about none of your letters look like the letters on the ransom note and so that's a

reason that I wrote it yes yeah it's like a parent it was gonna write a letter from Santa Claus they wouldn't write it in their own hand but it's not about the handwriting it's about the way and

the slant of the shapes. That's what handwriting is. It's not about what it actually says. It's about... When I do an R, I loop it around. The tapes are being pulled. Tapes are being pulled. I gotta run. Tapes are being pulled.

So we'll find out who did it. If anybody wants to say now who it was. Who sat in Frank the Tank's desk before you got there? Ben Mintz. I'll put my final vote as Roan did it if anybody wants to say now who it was who sat in frank the tank's desk before you got there ben mentz i'll put my final vote as roan did it me too what were you guys doing last night owen were you here i was here late yeah oh oh interesting what do you know were you ever sitting at frank's desk no are you sure who do you want when i pull the tapes if I find you sitting at Frank's desk what will you do I don't know

I don't remember that I might have seen a preview of the tape do you write well and I saw Owen sitting at Frank's desk I saw a preview of the tape because we were trying to find it we were going through we were meticulously pouring through it and Owen had his feet up at Frank's desk. I saw a preview of the tape because we were trying to find it and we were going through

we were meticulously pouring through it and Owen had his feet up on Frank's desk. Well first off, you can't go through the tapes. We literally are going through the tapes. It's illegal, right? No, it's not at all. I mean we've got Rowan on tape. What are you trying to cover now, KB?

What's illegal about it? I just feel like this is going to backfire. Do you think it might have been you? No, it's going to backfire because the fake person that you're accusing of doing this is going to be absolved. That's why it's going to backfire. No, I'm just thinking of other shit I may have done on camera. Rome, were you able to do this without being in the background? Within view.

Oh, this is weird. I think I'm going to have the tape right here, or at least part of it. And it's Owen sitting with his feet up on Mr. Tank's desk. I bet you the football's still on the desk, though. Can't tell. Why would you think that? Because Owen wouldn't steal the football. Owen comes in on Sundays.

He knows he's getting a piece of that ball. What does coming in on Sundays have to do with it? You didn't taste the ball. That's when we were eating the football. You were going to taste the ball? I've talked to Frank about the ball. I would definitely steal the football. Right. Right.

Did you steal the football? No. But I would. By saying that. Exactly. Wait, so why are you so quick to absolve Owen of innocence, but you're so eager to accuse me? That makes it seem like you're trying to frame me. No, I'm not trying to frame you.

You framed yourself. I framed myself. I'm either going to be blamed for poisoning a youth's mind. I don't want that blood on my hands. Rowan definitely framed himself. He framed himself. That's just a classic Rowan move. This is a witch hunt, and the tape will absolve me.

Be on the right side of history, honestly. This is a whodunit. This is a classic hunt, and the tape will absolve me. Be on the right side of history, honestly. This is a whodunit. This is a classic whodunit. This isn't an obvious, I wanted to get caught. I already did the plot where I wanted to get caught, and that was with Buddha Ben. What? Can you tell? No, I didn't.

Rowan's like, I feel like so smart that it would be. Yeah, he is so smart. No, but it would be a lot more thought out, but then this would be perfect because it was just so simply done. I still think this is not over. The big twist hasn't happened yet. We're still midpoint of the movie. I think Big Cat might eat the football. What if it was Frank? He has the football. I've seen Roan go up to the computer printer

and just draw dicks on every single piece of paper and then walk away and I don't even know what ended up happening with that. That's the type of guy he is. It was my first week here. He tossed me a cactus. He tossed me a cactus. I had a salad.

I ate the salad. Nothing wrong with it. And then he texted me a video of him just flipping over my croutons. Just touching every crouton in my salad. I don't remember that. Yeah. I produced the video. I could.

I got a new phone. One time I was at Donnie's apartment. Are you going to... Off? And Rowan calls me. Are you at Donnie's apartment Are you going to Are you at Donnie's right now And I was like yes And he just hangs up No he doesn't hang up It was me you and Donnie together

And he said let me talk to Nick And then he said let me talk to Donnie The only answer is he was looking through the window So what does that have to do You have a track record Of what The only answer is he was looking through the window. So what does that have to do if I was looking through the window? Of what? Of what? Of pranks.

So I would be a perfect person to frame then, huh? I was at the lake and he said, call me immediately. It's urgent. And I like run into the woods, try to get service. And he just says, are you interested in like buying real estate? And you were on a lot of mushrooms. Yeah. You were freaking out.

Yeah. I didn't know what he was are you even kb doesn't want to go along with this lie this fiction did do that you ran into the woods to get service thank you see yeah steven what do you think happened i don't know i mean has anybody in the past couple days like maybe tailed frank to get a uh maybe a good pattern of his movements we think frank took the football no KB was fucking tailing Frank yesterday. Can we do something real quick that I think will help this? Because I haven't seen the ransom note,

and people who are listening probably haven't either. So can someone read the ransom note? Broan has it memorized. That will be for this conversation. Another thing that threw me off, Caleb, was it said Mr. Fleming at the top, and it was written out M-I-S-T-E-R, not M-R. That's very KB.

Which is very KB. They also wrote, there's two different types of uppercase I on this. All the I's have a single line down, but they made a mistake on one of the I's and gave it a top and a bottom. You looked at it for two seconds. How do you know all of this? I poured over it

with Frank. Frank and I looked over the entire thing. What does he think? He doesn't know yet. He has gone through all of it. He realizes that Nick is kind of pushing the envelope. Are we sure they were in lowercase L's? Positive, because syntax-wise, the words would have been nonsense. But describe Frank's emotion. Is he okay? No. Yes. syntax-wise, the words would have been nonsense. Yeah, they would.

But describe Frank's emotion. Is he okay? No. Yes, he's fine. And I'm going to shoot with him later on today. Here we go. Here's the ransom note. Rowan's going to read it. He's going to pretend to stumble on some of the letters.

Let me read it because you guys are all going to try to be stumbling over it. I don't even want to touch it. And we also have the – so those letters are circled by Frank. This is KB. I mean it is identical to KB's handwriting. This is identical to KB's handwriting. Why don't you put your phone down, Nick? Why don't you put your phone down?

Mr. Fleming, if you ever – and also it should be noted that the R is circled and the G is circled. I think this was for evidence. Frank should analyze the handwriting. Because he's saying that the G is exactly the same as Big Cat's and the R is exactly the same as Nick's. Why did you say exactly? Okay, wait, let's go back a little bit. Big Cat brought this up. Big Cat ended up with the football.

And Big Cat claims to have the video but didn't produce it. Yes. So let's not rule out Big Cat. I don't want to rule and Big Cat claims to have the video, but didn't produce it. Yes. So let's not rule out. I don't want to rule out Big Cat because also on Big Cat's handwriting analysis, his first G that he writes, because we all had to write Mr. Fleming, doesn't look like that G. But then when he writes Big Cat, naturally, he does. Oh, yeah. And this I could see this being Big Cat's writing.

And here he comes down the hall. He said he had an interview and yet he's still in there. Oh, Big Cat. He. Here he comes down the hall. He said he had an interview and yet he's still in the hall. Go grab him. Big Cat. He's not even looking at us. Smart of him. Mr. Fleming, if you ever, underlined, want to see your chocolate football

again, you will take a sip of vinegar and tweet it. The clock is ticking. In fairness, that's funny. So a funny person did it. I never read that second part. the sip of vinegar and tweet it. Yes, you did, Roan, because you didn't. Where are the two different eyes?

In the very beginning. Big Cat did this. This has Big Cat written all over it. Let me see it. Is that your official? Yes, Big Cat 100% did this. He ended up with the football? Yes.

The football is at his desk. It's locked in his desk. Okay, so Big Cat wants that. Also, Big Cat is also self-professed biggest Frank Fleming fan in the office. And Big Cat is self-professed obsessed with Twitter. But one thing that I will say in his favor is that he stuck up for me when all the attention was on me.

So if he were really witch hunting and trying to deflect, he would have said that it was me and just agreed with everybody. Yeah, but if he framed you, he'd want to show support to you. This is not his first rodeo. Exactly, because then he would want you to say that

and be like, no, it can't be Big Cat because he stuck up for me. He framed you. He wants you to think he's on your team. Can he frame me now, you think? Somebody framed you. Right. No, that's exactly what he wants. Unless you did it.

Someone framed me. You might have framed yourself. Stop. Yeah, that's still someone. This isn't Roan's. This is not Roan's. That's not my handwriting. I have chicken scratch.

Well, no, wait a minute. I couldn't write all the ransom notes are written in somebody's exact name, right? You can't. So I couldn't.an's. This is not Roan's handwriting. That's not my handwriting. I know Roan too well. Well, no, wait a minute. I couldn't write all the ransom notes are written in somebody's exact handwriting. So I have to be capable. He's not capable of writing like that. Yes, of course he is. Everybody's capable of doing that. He's not.

No, I'm not. I don't make any of my letters like that. There's just my shit is chicken scratch. Even when I try to write proper, the shapes of them, the tops of my M's are always rounded. My R's are always loopy. It's the way that I naturally make them.

I come back around the top of the R. You use it as three different shapes. Six dots. The clock is ticking dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Two ellipses. I'm a three dot guy. I don't know. How many dots are you, Caleb?

I do three. Three dots? Everybody's a three dot. One, six. I don't know. How many dots are you, Caleb? I do three. Three dots. Everybody's a three dot. One, six. I don't think that's telling. Well, put down your phone, KB. No. KB, search Twitter.

Advanced search. That's what I'm doing. The clock is ticking. That is a phrase that people don't say. Only some people say. Yeah. Clock is ticking. Nick doesn't tweet, though.

Have we peed on the paper? Yeah, we've peed on the paper. Yeah. Multiple times. It's like a jellyfish thing. Why you can't smell the paper? Yeah, we've peed on the paper. Multiple times. What's like a jellyfish sting? You can't smell the pee? We can use ransom notes with jellyfish stings. Okay.

Invisible ink. Use your head for more than one. Carl, Clem, Mantis, Big Cat. Big Cat's tweeted the clock is ticking. Yes. Remember to take a picture with your mind today. It's week 14. The clock is ticking. Is there an ellipses after the clock is ticking. Yes. Remember to take a picture with your mind today. It's week 14. The clock is ticking. Is there an ellipses after the clock?

There sure is. Oh, yeah. Five dots. Five? Five dots? That's a weird amount. Either go three. What did Mantis say?

Anything over three is crazy. Oh, wait. That was Mantis' desk before that. No, it wasn't. Or KB also just... Oh, Big Cat again. KB also just unnecessarily lied about the five dots. So...

Hey, Adam Schefter. So, clock is ticking. I made my donation to the Jimmy V Fund. So, Big Cat, number two. Six dots. Six dots. Honey. Half a dozen dots.

Honey, I've noticed as the years pass, you keep adding dots. I think Big Cat did it, man. I also think that since KB is lying so much that he knows who did it. This is just the Chicago guys and Big Cat are the only people. And Mantis. It's an Midwest thing. KB's also the type of guy who would be like, all right, I'm going to Twitter search what they've said,

and I'm going to write it. That way I can go back and look it through Twitter and see. Now you're giving me too much credit, brother. It makes me think, what would I have done if I was going to write it. That way I can go back and look it through Twitter and see. You're giving me too much credit, brother. It makes me think, what would I have done if I was going to do this? And there's just 0% chance that I would leave it at my desk with a ransom note to Frank. You framed yourself. That's why you would never have done that. But I did that plot already.

If you were to. With Ben Fredette, I framed myself. But if it worked, you'd do it again. No. Do it in the office. It didn't work. If you were to. With Ben Fredette, I framed myself. But if it worked, you'd do it again. No. Do it in the office. It didn't work. He almost got arrested. He got threatened to go to jail. You like the thrill? What's thrilling about that? I don't know. Who did you want to be blamed for the paint steal theft?

Me. You wanted to be blamed for that? I wanted to get caught for the video. It wouldn't help if I... And he put the mints in Pete's backpack. And I filmed that myself. Exactly. Exactly. And so if I had done this, there would be some kind of...

That's why you're so adamant about the tapes being made. Yeah. That I want to be absolved? No, you're mentioning the tapes a lot. That is why I'm so... Because that's the only hard evidence that there is. Shay, we need a final ruling. I also want to know what Owen thinks.

There are way too many suspects right now there's no how many suspects would you say there are there's only like four or five that's a lot two or three I'm ruling out Vibbert I don't think Vibbert would be confident enough to frame me I think it had to have been Big Cat

had to have been what time does chicken fry get in oh fuck we never even considered that Big Cat. Had to have been. What time does chicken fry get in? Oh, fuck. We never even considered that. We asked Frank if he had any enemies and he said he bought a hot dog from the Halal Guys once. Became an international.

The Halal Guys. Did you bring in Frank on the last show to talk about this? We talked about it for a second. I'll go get him again. I just want to see where he's at. Because I'm curious. Mike in Tampa wants to talk about this. Mike, talk to us real quick.

What do you think, Mike, from an outsider? What's going on, guys? So I think that Big Cat and Roan and Frank are all working together on this. I can see that. So Roan gets to exclusively do videos for Frank and gets protection from Big Cat on this whole theory. Big Cat just gets a bigger piece of the football because he loves chocolate, and Frank just gets to sit back and watch everybody go crazy. Why would Frank want that?

Frank is not an agent of chaos. He's mad because of everything going on with the Nets. He's off the loose. He's off the chains right now. He's all about the chaos. That's a reach. What are you talking about? When has he ever been chaotic?

Big Cat or Brandon? What do you mean? Have you not seen him flipping out about the nets and the net the past three days no he's on he's on the roof well he's about to be in here mike mike uh thank you for your uh thank you for your opinion about this but we have the man frank fleming himself in the studio and uh caleb why don't you take it away and uh get to the bottom of this because we i've been saying we should hire a detective we should hire a real real noir type shit like a private eye and have him talk through everything he's thinking so we know how to do it

from now on yeah uh yes he's a detective so uh frank is is in here, and I am genuinely—Frank, that's the bad chair, unfortunately. So if it doesn't work, it might be—the chair might be no good itself. I got the footage as well. Pete just emailed it to me and Big Cat. Why would he email it to you and Big Cat? I have no idea, but I sent it to the Yak. I downloaded it. I did not touch it.

I did not even look at it. Did you send it to the Yak? Yeah, I think so. Frank, what do you think, my friend? No, certainly didn't. It'll be there. Yeah, it did. Well, I still don't know who at it. Did you send him to the act? Yeah, I think so. Frank, what do you think? No, certainly didn't. It'll be there. Yeah, it did. Well, I still don't know who did it.

Fuck. Who are your main suspects? Well. Oh, shit. There are many suspects. Caleb has an idea who he thinks did it. I don't think you suspect this guy. Have you considered it being Big Cat?

Yes, I have. Oh. What do you think? I don't know. I mean, Big Cat has been known to stir the pot. I have. Oh. What do you think? I don't know. I mean, Big Cat has been known to stir the pot. I have a question, Frank. Who has the football now? Big Cat does.

I haven't watched it yet. Well, why don't you watch it, Nick? Because it was you. Because it was you. No, it's no. Yeah. You can see the football on his desk. Whoa. I'm talking to Kyle.

I guess I was in that picture. The screen goes black. I mean, that's you. There's some sort of electromagnetic interference. Oh, my God. Look at this. This makes me so mad, man. Yeah, I don't get this.

This makes me so mad. Why? Do I exist? You had us all out here accusing each other. It's not me. Supposed to be brothers. Supposed to be friends. Why did Pete just send that to me? That can't be Nick. And Big Cat. It's not me. They're supposed to be brothers. They're supposed to be friends. Why did Pete just send that to me?

That can't be Nick. And Big Cat. That's you. You did it. I did not do it. Look at the video. Wait, he sent it to you and who else? Big Cat.

All I know is the video shows you standing in front. It does, but that could have been at any time. The blackout, though. That's very you. Why would I do that? That at any time. The blackout, though, that's very you. Why would I do that? That's very you. The blackout is very you. So the most troubling part about this whole case, there's elements of every person to this. There's parts that every person, every suspect would do.

Frank, after you watch the tape, what do you think? That's ridiculous. That almost clears my name. How? How does it clear your name if you're standing at my what do you think? That's ridiculous. That almost clears my name. How? How does it clear your name if you're standing at my desk? I'm standing at your desk all the time. Thank you. KB was right across from me.

I was talking to him. I was getting ready to leave. I was just standing. And then the tape goes black. Frank, what do you think? He's confusing me. This seems way too obvious to me. Che?

We might need to bring in a stenographer. Frank, this guy's a Frankette. How does this make you feel? He's a Frankette. Che. There is a little bit of evidence in this photo. So when exactly did the football go missing? Because this couldn't have happened at any time.

The tapes pulled are at a certain time. The football was at my desk when I left last night about 5.30. It was at your desk when I left at 11 p.m. last night. Why were you here till 11? We were recording. How do you know the football was there? How do you know the football was there? You looked at it?

I just looked at the tape. You can see the football when I'm standing there. Frank, I think we should be better checked. I haven't read the notes, but I've noticed the capital Y hand is. I think he's pretty right-handed right now. I mean, we have, this is very peculiar. I agree. I agree,

but I'll get myself out. Also, is this the best camera angle we have? Don't we have multiple cameras on the content floor? I think that's the best one. Why would we be using this one?

I think that's the only one. Why do you only like that one? It's not the one I liked. There's 16 angles. So this is the one from all the way across the floor. This is all business.

Pete said that this is the best angle because it directly shows Frank's desk. Right. We need to get more cameras on your desk. You just can't see the football in this angle is why I'm concerned. This is outrageous. The camera blacks out for about 50 minutes.

So there's a 50 minutes by 48 minutes. This is Watergate, Frank. That's exactly what happened in Watergate. From 1058 until 1146. Can you say I am not a crook? I can say it with guiltgate, Frank. That's exactly what happened in Watergate. From 1058 until 1146. Can you say I am not a crook? I can say it with guilt free, Frank. Do it then. I'm not a crook.

Look straight at him. I didn't look up and to the left like you, Ryan. Oh, so you were conscious of looking up and to the left. I mean, whoever did this wanted to stir the shit. Well, that's not me. Why would I want to do that when you and I are hitting such a groove with our videos, Frank? Why would I want to jeopardize that? And the fans love it.

Yes. Thank you. The fans love it. What we have going on. Jeff was just, Vibbert was talking about how the fans love him. He was talking about that. What time? About 11, 1145 last night? Vibbert was here that late too? Yeah.

I don't think he was, was he? Yeah, I said hi to him as I was walking out. No, he was out for a late night run, I'm pretty sure. He was with his running group. He has that good alibi. I mean, the way it ended up on Roan's desk. I mean... He wanted to be framed, so Vibbs is out of the picture. Only an idiot would put it on a desk like that.

You're getting double-crossed. And to cover it with... Who is an idiot here? Well, only an idiot would put it on his own desk. Unless he wanted to be framed. Why would I do that? That doesn't make sense. Can we bring Pete in?

Pete's coming in right by. I would like to talk to Pete about the blackout. What a convenient blackout. Pete, come on in. All business, Pete. Pete, we just want to talk about this footage that we just received from you. Pete got a new pullover for Christmas.

He's been wearing it almost every day. Our main question, Pete. We have two questions. I didn't send footage, you guys. I got it from you. Nick sent it to everyone. You sent it to everyone? Yeah.

Why did you only send it to Nick? Because he requested it. That's who you sent it to everyone? Yeah. Yeah. Why did you only send it to Nick? Because he requested it. That's who Dan said was going to review it. Dan said. Oh. That is interesting. But I have two questions for you just on the quality of this tape. Yeah.

It looks good, right? No. One, what about the angle? Is there no angle that shows the actual football? I think that's right. You think? You think that this don't only angle that i think it is see the football was at the far end it was a far end that's that's the that's the only angle on that okay on the desk area other question yeah conveniently blacks out before the crime what or? Or during the crime. What?

Is this the footage you sent? Take a look at it, Pete. You should take a look at this because it's peculiar. It's almost like Watergate. It's almost like you remember the Watergate Hotel and the shady dealings that went on there at the RNC headquarters. That would be the DNC. Oh! The DNC.

Sorry, Frank. Someone's done that since you've sent it. So either Big Cat or Nick has altered this footage. No, I just pulled the times. Okay, but we got a blackout for the actual crime. How do you know the crime was committed? That's probably just a glitch. Why do you think that the crime was committed at that time?

I sent a bunch of time. Yeah. That's interesting. Why we have equipment that just blacks out? What's the point of a security camera that just black out in the middle of the night? I mean, I guess I have to go investigate this. I think, first of all,

I think you should double check the footage you sent and make sure there has been no alterations to the footage. Remember this. Sometimes the cover-up is worse than the crime itself. Oh, my God. What a scoreless accusation. Fuck, I hadn't remembered that.

I don't think he was really talking to you. I forgot about that. The blackout that happens there, it is kind of convenient that at least Nick was right around the desk at the time of the blackout. No, it's inconvenient for me. I got the football back. It's being held safely by Big Cat. You don't have the football, Frank. I got the football back. It's being held

safely by Big Cat. You don't have the football. I wouldn't trust that. But it's not my... Here's the thing. This is a gift for the office. And we were going to watch it and we were going to eat it during Sunday watching the games. Yes. Have you seen Rone on Sunday watching football?

This wasn't a football I brought for myself. It's a football I brought for everyone. This is so fucked up. Wait, this is the plot of a movie that came out last year. That's the most fucked up part of the movie. This is the plot of Knives Out. This is literally the plot of Knives Out. I'm going to go purge the tapes and reboot the system and make sure that this never happens again.

Can we send it over to our camera guy who looks over these things? I mean, you think I should get my lead investigator on? I think you should because he would know and he would be the most suspicious of me. At this point, if I just got an apology from the person who did this, Nick, apologize. Rone. I didn't do it, Frank. That would be the end of it. You have my word, Frank.

You got to think about where the football ended up. Who benefited from this crime? But Big Cat is like the big cheese. Thank you, Pete. Appreciate you, Pete. You won't become the big cheese without stealing a few footballs.

No, he's cut some corners. He's done some things. What do I have to gain from doing this, Frank? You get a big chocolate football. You get nothing to gain. I had nothing to gain. What does Nick have to gain? As soon as he came in today, he asked to be your camera person. Guys, there was a 22 ounce.

And if there's doubt around my name and I get ousted as your camera person, then he has that to gain. He hermit crabs into my shell and starts filming you. No, you got a taste of being Frank's wingman and you saw what I have. You were trying to get me. You're trying to be a Frankette you saw what I have. You're trying to be a Frankette. He was trying to be a Frankette. No one likes when you film, though. Everyone likes when I film. I didn't think of it like that.

He wants to be a Frankette. You're trying to cut me out. Cut you out of what? Frank and I are already in. We already have something so strong going on. We have a shorthand. You don't want to be in that? And the fans love their own shooting.

Thank you. I'm one of those fans. I love it. Me too. And meanwhile, Big Cat's just not in here. Yeah, that's convenient. That's very convenient. The guy who ended up with the football locked away in his closet.

We assume it's locked away. It could be anywhere. It could be locked away in his belly by now. It could be anywhere. He could have shipped it off to Japan by now. That could be a Fabergé. Nick, why are you texting again? And I didn't see PFT go to the interview. Jeff D. Lowe

text us our pods out. It just came out. Jeff D. Lowe also... Why don't you pick up your phone too, KB? They're probably communicating with each other. We're in the anus group chat. Yeah, exactly. Communicating in code. What were you about to say, Jeff D. Lowe, also? I looked at KB's phone. He canceled out of his app. Yeah, I could see that. Jeff D. Lowe is someone I looked at KB's phone. He canceled out of his app. Yeah, I could see that.

I could see that. Jeff D. Lowe is someone I'm saying that if Nick's involved, this footage was most likely doctored by Jeff D. Lowe. By the way, have you seen my acting video? Just dropped today, right? This morning. Frank, stay on task. Please stay on task. That is a great video.

You're a scandal man. You've got to give him a chance to shine here. But I'm saying we've almost cracked this case. We will definitely give him a chance to shine here. We've almost cracked this case. We will definitely give him... Wait, wait, wait. Frank, you get beat up in this video, don't you? If he wants to stop you when you crack the case, do you think Frank did it? No. Kevin Bonner already

suggested that Frank did it. And Frank, what did you think of that accusation? I think it's ridiculous because this has been a big joke. Yeah, the whole investigation has been a sham. I mean. It has been. Nick in St. Louis thinks he knows who has the football.

It's gone on far too long. Far too long. Football's in safe hands. We're going to have it Sunday. We're going to forget this ever happened. Unless the person who stole it steals it again. Nick in St. Louis is on the line right now. Nick, what do you think happened?

All right. Well, I think I agree with Caleb. I think Big Cat was a mastermind, and I think he used Owen as his pawn. Owen? Owen. Yeah. Why do you think that? What about Owen?

He has been awfully quiet. Yeah, and Owen did a little half smile when you said that. Owen Owen is he has been awfully quiet yeah and Owen's did a little half smile when you said that Owen has been quiet hasn't he for his whole life he's attempted to change the conversation several times throughout the show uh Big Cat knows what he's going to say mad at him and he's also said several times Big Cat or Owen is his guy so he's gonna watch out or he's to not sell him out. Owen kind of does have, Nick, thanks for the call. Owen does have kind of a henchman

vibe about him. Could this have been you, Owen? Obsolve yourself. Clear your name. I told you it could have been me. I sat at his desk last night. It wasn't. I wish it was. Good looking football. Connor in Cincinnati is a police officer.

He might be able to help. Detective Connor, talk to us. Yeah, I just got some ideas. So as the great Dwight Schrute said, it's never the most person you suspect. It's never the least suspect. It's always the person you medium suspect. Just a different viewpoint on that. So who are the medium suspects?

So I suspect Big Cat the most. Myself the least. You're like right there in the middle. Actually, the person that's perfectly in the middle is Nick. Thank you, Connor. Thank you, Connor. Thank you, Connor.

You're going to go by the Dwight Schrute method? That one stung. He's a cop. He would know. He is a detective. I mean, the two biggest suspects would be Roan and Vibs. Yes. But what about Big Cat?

He has the football. But he's offered to safeguard it. Of course he has. And then he's going to pretend like it got stolen from him. And then he's going to act like he saved the day and he's going to go eat the football. Can I tell you something? Big Cat sits here at 1 o'clock every single day.

The day that your football is stolen, he now owns the football and he's not sitting in his chair. Where is he? The football is going to be broken out on Sunday during the gambling case. That's what you've been told. This Sunday or another Sunday. You've been led to believe that. This Sunday or the conference championship game, whatever we feel like doing.

But here's the thing. I brought the football for everyone. Well, you know if there's been an imposter football like if he like, this is a great football, but if he like puts a cheap football out there. 6-12, yeah. Fabergé egg. What if it's a fake football? Well, who's going to find another chocolate football that's actually the size of a football?

Pretty much impossible. That's a one of one. It was. It was stamped and manufactured. I mean, who's going to go out to, I haven't even seen that Lindhurst again. Yeah. The Lindhurst. I was at the Lindhurst ShopRite.

That's where I found it. Oh, really? You haven't been to that ShopRite. Who's by Lynnhurst? Brandon. You're a Jersey guy? Why would... Yes?

Lynnhurst, New Jersey, right? Yeah, Lynnhurst. Brandon's the only one on this show that lives in New Jersey. Stephen Che. Was this an R.M. Palmer? Yes, it was. Oh. Jesus Christ.

How did you know that, Owen? Don't know. What made you say that, Owen? What? That was just a noise. Danny in New Jersey wants to point something out about this entire thing. Danny, what do you have to point out that maybe we have New Jersey? Holy shit, that's fucking creepy.

This is creepy. Danny, what do you got? What's up, guys? So my whole thing is it's really suspicious because if you look at the two things are suspicious. One, why did Nick get to review the tape? I don't think he should have been the one to review the tape. It's the one that framed me. Guys, look at the tension in Nick's voice.

Look at it. Yes, I'm tense right now because I'm being framed. Your defense is a little lighter. Some shit's going on, bro. But anyway, next is on Viva La people of stool if you do notice in that in that video when they was like big cat did pop up and he was like and he was like oh frank i have your football and then big cat was holding the note he was like yeah but they use this special lettering so you can't even read it he was like like i don't know he was like spearheading like the investigation in a way like thinking that i could like get it could get it off him if he just points out that they used weird lettering.

I don't know. Thank you, Danny. Good points, Danny. Very strong points. Frank, what do you think? Question, Owen. Why did you just put your hood on? Oh, my God.

He just put it on. It's not that freezing. I don't know. I popped off my hoodie. He said it to Frank before we came in here. Brandon, too. Or no, he just rolled up the sleeves. This shit is very, very interesting.

20 minutes ago, Owen also was not sure if he sat at Frank's desk. And about two minutes ago, he said he did sit at Frank's desk. Quite sure, wasn't he? That makes you think. Makes you think. This is good radio, man. It's a real whodunit. It's an actual game of Clue.

I'm calm in the fact knowing that I didn't do it, though, Frank. And you have my word on that, friend. What we're going to do right now is we're going to take a break, we're going to think about it, and we're going to revisit it after the break, and hopefully we'll fucking crack this case before the show.

What are you saying, Brandon? What are you saying, Brandon? What are you saying, Brandon? I'm not saying anything. Did you just find the page that he ripped out from your notebook? No, somebody ripped this page out of my notebook. Of your notebook. I sit next to Nick.

All right, let's take a break. We'll take a break. We'll be back. I have my own notebook that I stole from you. We'll be back in a second. It was 1030 on Thursday morning. Strolled into the Barstool studio. It was a sunny and abnormally warm day for January.

When he walked to his desk, he noticed that his chocolate football, a 22-ounce actual football-sized chocolate football that was the size of a football had gone missing and it was left a ransom note saying that he would never see the football again unless he drank vinegar laughter

laughter did you consider drinking vinegar did you ever no you're forgetting one part though vinegar and what and tweeting it Did you consider drinking vinegar? Did you ever? No. You're forgetting one part, though. Vinegar and what? And tweeting it.

That's an important part of this investigation. Ron, what are you doing? Some reading? Oh, I just have Nick's notebook right here. What? It's identical handwriting on his regular notes to what happens to be the ransom note. Look at that candy. Let me see this. How do you know that's my fucking notebook?

Oh, dude. This is bad for you. Everything that's happening is bad for me. All right, so we just got a... This is an episode four brainstorm. I won't reveal the details out of confidentiality, but... The word dick is written about 17 times. Yeah. Chess club, Lebronchitis.

Anyways. That's good shit. Anyways. It's all written in all caps, as is the ransom note. And it is damn near exactly the same.

Let me see. What? You got sloppy, Nick. That left column. That could be anybody's notebook. Well, it's Nick's notebook that you just got from his desk. That has notes about his show. Wait a minute.

Brandon. You think anyone else would come up with LeBron-chitis? The E is very intriguing. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. The E. The E. It's always been the E.

It's got you. All of this and you're going to go down by an E? A fucking E? Do you plead guilty? I've been a Frankette since the day I've been fucking hired. Trivia. Going to your house to film reviews. Hot dog reviews.

Traveling. Spending the entire day. Your soda reviews. Your most beloved product. You're almost obsessed, would you say? Do you plead guilty? The thing you take the pride in the most. Your soda reviews.

Your daily soda reviews. I'm the perfect candidate to film. Perfect. I'm sitting right there. I think we see. Rone sits behind me. Mother man talk. You look right at me and said, hey, will you film the soda review?

Roan, it broke me. Yeah. You just couldn't stomach someone else filming the soda reviews, could you, Terraney? How could I get Roan off the soda reviews? And how can I get Vibbert second in line off the soda reviews? I examined Vibbert's handwriting. I made it larger. I took the football 11 o'clock

last night. You would have got away with it too. You wrote every letter in Vibbert's handwriting other than the E. I went up to Pete. I asked if I could review the tape. I said I'd send it to the fellas. I said, Nick, do you have every letter Vibs does down pat? And you said yes, down to the lines, the line segments.

How do you fuck up an E? I don't attach the top of my E's to the stock. You never have. I never will. He never will. We have to apologize. I have to apologize for pointing fingers at Big Cat. I have to apologize for pointing fingers at Big Cat. I have to apologize for pointing fingers at you, Roan.

You aren't the only one. Frank, all he wants from the guy who did it is an apology. And while you just said you did it, you did not apologize. Frank, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. Jealousy. Accepted. Objected.

Objected. Apology. Objected. And maybe it's time now that I start clearing my good name. I didn't do the Buddha Ben painting. That wasn't me either, friends. That was a plan that Buddha Ben and I came up with to sell paintings. It was all fake.

And it worked. Doug's bought it. Yeah, exactly. Everyone bought all the paintings He's made maybe $100,000 Since that ruse It was the best marketing scheme of all time Did you get a cut of that? No, I did it for the love of the game

I've never stolen anything That wasn't even me putting the mints in Pete's bag That was an imposter that I dressed that day Gay Pat actually Wearing my clothes Gay Pat, actually, wearing my clothes. Yes. Gay Pat's been in on it the whole time. I'm the most ethical man in the office.

I'm like Jean Valjean. He's a huge douchebag. Are you talking Les Mis? Frank, what do you think now that the dust has settled? Can you trust Nick again? I can trust Nick again. Hell yes. What the fuck?

He apologized. I apologized. That's all you needed. But he lied for hours to you. He knew my intentions were pure. I just wanted... I wanted to do contact with Frank. You wanted more of him.

He even had the tapes pulled when he knew he was on the tapes. No, I had the tapes pulled. He did. Ron had the tapes pulled. And the only person that now... He has to apologize now to his Ron. Wow. Yes tapes pulled. He did. Roan had the tapes pulled. And the only person that now he has to apologize now to is Roan. Wow. Yes, Frank.

Thank you. I hadn't even demanded that. I let myself be disrespected. You framed Roan. You're the one who framed Roan Rabbit. Yes. I am. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So. Yeah. He's right here. I can't do that. What? Frank.

Kick him out of the Frankettes. Never. Kick him out of the Frankettes. Kick him out. Until you apologize. Frank, you have to consider this too. What if this took another direction and you actually drank vinegar? I would not have drank vinegar.

He would not have drank vinegar. Never? No. Can I point out one last thing? I was going to volunteer as champion to drink vinegar for him since I'd be filming it. Rone has gone through so much today, he was wrongly accused. Nick has had to live with this on his conscience. Big Cat still has the fucking football.

Yes, he does. Well, the football is going to be broken out for people on Sunday. Not for Nick. Oh, yeah. Not for Nick, Frank. Oh, that is a just punishment. That is a just punishment. No! Yes. No football for Nick. You will not get the football. Oh, that is a fair or just punishment. That is a just punishment. No.

Yes. No football for Nick. You will not get the football. I have to watch you guys enjoy it. You're like the mighty King Solomon, Frank. I accept the punishment. Very wise. Very wise in your judgment, Frank.

I appreciate it. All right. We got that settled. Let's start the show. Yeah. I think so. All right. Yeah.

Okay. What do we have on this prep sheet? Yeah, what's the prep sheet? What is the best side dish at a steakhouse? That's a great question. Frank,'ll start off. Okay. What do we have on this prep sheet? Yeah, what's the prep sheet? What is the best side dish at a steakhouse? That's a great question. Frank, set us off. Potatoes all grout. Best side dish at a steakhouse.

Best side dish at a steakhouse. Well, of course, you got to have the Bloomin' Onion. True. Any good steakhouse. Very nice. You know what? You might call me a little old-fashioned, but I do love the potatoes, which I'm called the French fried potatoes, or if you have the steak fries.

I like steak fries. We're getting Outback for dinner today if you want in on that. Outback night. I have a gift card. You do have a gift card. I can't cover that myself. What about the rest of them? Cream spinach, Frank?

Do you enjoy a cream spinach? Not really. That's a shame. What if it's very garlicky? I don't know if I've ever had garlicky spring. You know what else I like? The potato skins. Yeah.

With the cheese and the bacon bits. Loaded potato skins. What about the sour cream? Shit, yeah. I actually hate it. Don't want the sour cream. No, you about the sour cream? Shit, yeah. I actually hate it. Don't want the sour cream. No, you need the sour cream. I don't like sour cream.

I love sour cream. Really? The name of it is kind of gross. Both those words together. Yeah, neither. Equally disgusting. Caleb? Brussels sprouts?

That's my one. I would say potatoes au gratin. Yes. It says shrimp cocktail on here. Steven, I don't think that that's a side dish. Cream spinach? It also has crab cakes. Crab cakes, I don't think that that's a side dish. Cream spinach. It also has crab cakes. Crab cakes? I don't think that's an on-site dish.

Those can definitely be appetizers. I mean, you can get it on the side, but... You know what else I like? Good garlic breadsticks. We all do, yeah. Yes. What about a fingerling potato? Have you ever had a fingerling, Frank? What's a fingerling potato? Those skinny little ones. It's kind of like a finger.

It lings like like a finger. Ew. It lings like a little finger. Ever had it? Frank, let me ask you this. What would be the one thing you wouldn't want to see show up beside your steak? Good question. Creamed corn? Creamed anything?

Creamed corn is good with turkey. I wouldn't want it with a steak. I agree. Salt and vinegar. It doesn't belong on with steak. I agree. Salt and vinegar. It doesn't belong on a plate with a steak. Anything with vinegar, no. That shouldn't be on my steak plate. What about A1 steak sauce?

You know what I like putting on steak? Garlic butter. Yes. Fuck yes. That sounds delicious. I'm very in the mood for a steak right now. All this steak talk is getting me fired the fuck up. Steak for the boys?

Steven, when we finally do our steak dinner, is Frank allowed to participate? Yeah, of course. Everyone's welcome. Oh, Frank, you hear that? Well, hopefully soon these restaurants can open up and we can actually enjoy ourselves again. No, it's going to be at his house,

steak and cocaine party. Yeah, exactly. Just like we all freaking like. Like Rick James. Just like we all freaking like. Like Rick James. Just like Rick James said. Unbelievable stuff. Goddamn, what a sweet-ass fucking episode. And please don't get it twisted.

This is a sweet-ass fucking episode. So if you're having anal sex, pop this on. Yeah, it'll open you up it'll relax the butthole it's the equivalent of a popper you just take a sniff of the yak and then suddenly just a light listen

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Yeah, and you still have to do that. With real money. Not even BTC. Yeah. Also, listen to Anus. Listen to... Yeah. Prioritize that, actually.

No, no, no. Do whatever you just heard about the Yak and Commons. Do swap in Anus. I wish there was a way you could un-l yak in Commons. Swap in. I wish there was a way you could un-listen to this. No, you can't. That's the only thing I can think of. It's a new untold story. It's not heinous.

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