The Yak - Getting SPOOKY on Friday the 13th | The Yak 10-13-23

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

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Hey, Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Yo, TJ, hold that up. So it's titus uh i wish i was wearing roback because i'd be a lot comfier right now what's up donnie uh roback you guys know all about it it's approaching fall there's no better time to try some roback thank you titus uh you know how much we love it here it's the best fit the best feel um you can't go anywhere without seeing the performance hoodie you guys were doing shows what's up sass you guys were doing shows this is a casual ad read um they released brand new performance crew necks both men and women yet soft comfortable you got if we'll see you out in the row back we're gonna nod at you there's no

doubt about that uh so kick your fall off right and use code yak y-a-k-o and rowback.com for 20% off your first purchase through the end of this week r-h-o-b-a-c-k.com 20% off all performance hoodies crewnex joggers code yak y-a-k what's up boys what's up boys? What's up? And Kate? Hey. You guys have been boozing for... Yeah, since 9. Since 9. Sask got his tea. Breaking news. I brought my own. Do you want me to spike it? No, not at all. Are you sure you didn't get a haircut?

Yeah, why? I think it's just getting dirtier. You showered. Yeah, I just showered. Titus is very drunk right now yeah that uh kb and nick impression was killing me let's play that that was that was just that sounded exactly like oh hold up the whole chat is spamming who the fuck is that who the fuck that's uh data it's a sass right it's man it's worked here for years yeah i've been here what the fuck

aiden runs we are real aiden runs barstool kush dude barstool kush is blowing we had sponsors reach out oh yeah yeah did you really yeah what is barstool barstool kush is the weed hub for all stoolies dude aiden is what kate's baby is gonna come out looking like yeah let's hope not yeah i got misgendered at walgreens yeah he did before the show that i guess last time you were on a show here everyone was like it's basically kate he got misgendered at walgreens for like 10 minutes straight yeah really like it was like a misgender and then like and then she just kept kept digging digging deeper and be like i think's the hair. I'm not sure what it is. I'm so sorry, sir.

I think you just got to drop trowel at that point in the Walgreens. Yeah, show her my dick. Yeah. Jump scare. You said your kid is weighing in at 10 pounds right now? So he's going to be a big boy. Yeah. Is it like a big relief when that's out of you?

Yeah, it's like a big shit. Yeah, it's like a big shit. Really? like a big shit really like 10 pounds like i feel so much better that's kind of instant relief like are you right up i i don't know because i do i did drugs last time so i couldn't feel anything so um do you want to come clean about photos of your last baby then i was putting filters on him so he looked smoother and more beautiful. She had a bumpy baby. She filtered her baby. Her face tuning. What filter was it?

I face tuned him a little bit. Paris filter. I was swiping it. He had acne. Babies have acne. I had baby acne. Yeah. And I was so fragile in the moment, I couldn't handle people being like,

your baby's busted. So I auto-tuned him a little. Pardon me. Yeah, that would hurt. That would hurt my feelings. So I smoothed him out a little. Someone was like, yeah, this one's fucked. That's got to hurt as a mother to do. As you're wiping away the blemishes with your finger.

I made them thinner. Yeah, you made them curvy. You're on r slash photoshop request. Can somebody help me with this ugly child? $10 tip to the best one. I'm going to need you to arrow glass this one. When you have a kid, it's like the most profound love you feel but then you were like editing a photo of the baby immediately after it wasn't yeah yeah i'm sorry to air out your business but you told us that you're just like

yeah i used to have to like filter my baby they have acne and dandruff real bad wow i don't realize yeah dandruff that was terrible it's good don't realize. Dandruff? It's terrible. They sell special brushes to get it off. Their heads, like. It's called cradle cap? It's called cradle cap. Can we see it? After they're born, their heads, like, yeah.

Look at, like, bad cases of cradle cap, which a lot of them get. And it's, like, their head basically just crusts. And you got to keep scrubbing it off. And it gets stuck on all the little pieces of hair. Oh. Oh, no. Ew. Ew.

Tons of them get it. Like, tons of them. What? You can walk over to Target right now and buy a computer. I'm your friend, and I would have commented on the Babel's post if I saw that. I was born with 12 fingers. What? Yeah.

Shut the fuck up. I swear to God, I was. No, you weren't. Yeah, I was. There's no way I've known you for this long. See, there's stitches on the end of my hair. Liar. Yeah, you can feel it. You want to feel it? Yes. No you weren't. Yeah I was. There's no way I've known you for this long. See the stitches on the end of my hair. Liar. Yeah, you can feel it. You want to feel it? Yes. There's a bump, but be gentle because it kind of hurts. Do you get phantom pains?

It's like an Indian baby. Nuh-uh. That's the smoothest pinky I've ever felt. You told me not to feel hard. Alright, feel harder. Oh, there's a divot Yeah, I told you You had 12 fingers? Yeah, they were little nubs What? Did they have nails? Yeah Yeah, what? They got them, I chopped them Why did they cut them off?

It's not that uncommon Just leave them Well, cause they're not like full on fingers They're like little tiny T.J. can you Look up how common that may be? Yeah, did you have a baby? No, I had 10 and 10, and I had a giant cock as a baby. Really? Yeah.

Grew into it? No, it kept going. Hell yeah. Kate, what's the thing? My cock is like Benjamin Button. I had like a 90-year-old cock, and now it's like 12. I feel like in the last five or 10 years, parents started sucking snot out of their baby's nose. This is like a new thing.

No, it's a little tube that you use. Is this common? When he was a baby, I did it all the time. And you suck with your mouth? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, it's associated with down syndrome?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, it's associated with Down syndrome? Oh, no. That's crazy. Uh-oh, sassy. Well, I must be the miracle case. Once they chopped me off, I went back to normal. I believe a lot of cats have an extra finger, and if they do, that means they were bred by Thomas Jefferson. Like, he bred all those cats that had extra fingers? I wonder if my extra fingers

held my extra chromosomes. That's where you kept it. That's where you kept it. Dude. I just fucking reverted. Can we get you a Down Syndrome Survivor button or something? You beat it.

Where's the gust of wind coming from? It is. It's freezing in here. It feels like there's a hole in the ceiling How would you like a drink, Sass? Titus was kind enough to bring his high noons Oh, damn This was Mook's idea Mook said boozy Friday

I brought in Chicago handshakes Which, if you know, you know If you know, you know I don't know Then you don't know. I don't know. Well, then you don't know. Google it. It also works the other way.

If you don't know, you don't know. Oh, my God. I've never thought about the other side of the coin. Yeah. Okay. So is it like, what, a shot of X with the beer? Yeah. In one?

No, no. You chase, I believe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good. I thought you were just supposed to pour it in. Oh, I had no idea. Is that what you did? Yeah.

Maybe I'm on the don't know side of this. Mook, have you tried that yet, the liquor? I have, and I hate it. Yeah. So I heard that it was made, this is like a rumor, I was told at a bar, it was made by a guy with mouth cancer who couldn't taste booze anymore, so he made a booze he could taste. So it just tastes like shit.

It tastes like pure shit. Yeah, that sounds awful. You're sober, right? Yeah. Try this, pussy. Try a sip. Let me smell it. Let me smell it. No, no, no, no. Oh my god, you got like a twinkle in your eye.

I was awake. I felt all that. Brandon told me yesterday not to get too drunk I don't know why Yeah I remember him saying Yeah he was like hey don't get too drunk tomorrow What? Who said that Brandon?

You have to do something tomorrow He said don't get too drunk on Mostly Sports Which is a barstool show I guess So I could host Yak Oh yeah what a weird thing to say Yeah Fuck that guy Do we need a host of the Yak? I thought the Yak Like my understanding yeah. What a weird thing to say. Yeah. Fuck that guy. Do we need a host of the Yak?

I thought the Yak, like my understanding of the Yak is everyone's just yakking. That's the point, yeah. Yeah. I think it's just the first person to talk. Brandon pops the biggest boner when Big Cat's not here

and he gets to be the host. Yeah. And honestly, I don't think Brandon has seniority on the Yak. I think it's KB. It is KB. Right. Yeah, it's KB.

It is, by a lot. Yeah. How was it, Mookie? Didn't do it yet. Oh. I'm dreading it. Right. Yeah, it's KB. It is. By a lot. Yeah. How was it, Mookie? Didn't do it yet. Oh. I'm dreading it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can't. I got a long day. Dude, I have a new favorite NFL rivalry. It's Tyreek Hill versus Peely. Have you seen this? No. They asked Tyreek Hill who his biggest op was, and he answered Peely. Peely.

Peely. Which is the banana skin in fortnite dude so i guess every time he's playing fortnite everybody just like gets on his game and banana skins and hunts them down so that's hilarious and the him like reacting to it like tj can you pull that up i've been obsessed with just nfl wide receiver interests lately off the field yeah it's not a bad one this is so good peely and it's him playing seeing a peely but there's like a whole compilation of him getting killed by peely gang

that's hilarious. Yeah. I got to get back into Fortnite. You should. TJ, you still playing? Hell yeah. Yeah. Stuff coming. What?

Big stuff coming. What does that mean? I've heard rumors. Leaks and rumors coming about the next season. Oh, really? Yeah. Throwback stuff. You're going to like it.

We'll talk off camera. All right. We'll take it offline. Cheers, fellas.. All right. We'll take it offline. Cheers, fellas. Cheers. We should take that offline. Watch his face. There's good reason to. Yeah.

Because this shit's crazy. All right. Sounds good. Yeah. What is that called? By the way, that reaction just reminded me. Did you see our guy George had a new post? He's back. Yes. George had a new post?

He's back, yes. He had a new post. George tries IPAs. George tries IPAs, yeah. New post. He's aged a lot. Yeah, which is bad. There's a new George post. There's this Instagram account

called George Tries IPAs. This is old ass man that tries his son IPAs. He's never liked one. Luke showed it to me. He's the dude that's got like the turkey neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He posted when he drinks the beer. We got a new one. Glenny Balls hates IPAs. IPAs are disgusting. It's like watching a sloth. A sloth? Yeah. He does move.

Oh, shit. Give me back my Budweiser. He hates everyone. Where are they? They look like they're in like that looks like the office like inside of a car wash tunnel like like the other side of that window looks like huh it looks like they're in like a like a common room in a college yeah maybe they are but they're in a different room in every single post um yeah good account good fucking account what else we got going on what's the weekend plans going to four more shows yeah damn i'm going how much money are

you making man this show can i get some yeah money yes yeah i could throw you a rack hey tight it's some money you're throwing around racks now huh you're going to a fish show i'd know yeah we're going to a fish show i'm, we're going to a fish show. I'm not like a big fish fan, but a friend had an extra ticket, so I'm going to be hanging out with the Wooks. That's what they do. Oh, yeah, I know the Wooks. They're on Endor.

The Wookies, it's kind of like a hippie crackhead. Oh, okay. Yeah, they're the ones in the parking lot just sucking nitrous. You're going to have to partake, right? Oh, yeah, definitely. I've never been have to partake, right? Oh, yeah. Definitely. I've never been to a fish show, but I'm a deadhead, so I've gone to – I assume they're similar. Very similar.

It's a very fun time. I can't do jam bands, man. Really? That's surprising about you. I like my songs like a minute and a half. Where is the fish show? The United Center. When?

Oh, wow. Tonight. You going to hotbox it? If something is passed to me, I will partake. You going to do any nitrous? I would. Should we just ask what you won't do? I won't be doing heroin, meth, Oxycontin, Percocets.

Okay. Don't plan on doing any ecstasy. That's where you cross. That's the gray area. But if it's just pure MDMA, I would dabble. Yeah. Because I'm not a fan of their music.

I'm going to have to be on some sort of cocktail. And you're going to think like you've been there for hours and they're still on their first song. Yeah. It's awesome. Really good Ben and Jerry's flavor. oh yeah fish food yeah i guess there's something called the nitrous mafia and they're the ones that just like supply all the tanks to fish shows and there's like a network around the u.s people just moving around are they dangerous um I feel like they move real slow. Yeah, they've got to pay up. Really dumb.

Yeah, fuck. That'll be interesting. Have you done heroin? No. Wait. Where'd that come from? Wait. You said heroin.

No, I said those are drugs I will not do. Oh, I thought you said you would do that. Oh, my God. You must have thought Donnie was super fucking cool for a second. Yeah, I thought he was the man. Those are 100% drugs I will not be doing. You'll have a good time. You don't have to, I mean, I'm assuming fish shows are like dead shows.

You don't have to know the songs. Yeah, yeah. Just, yeah. You probably will end up knowing a lot of the songs, too. I don't know. You think? I don't think. No.

Crazy names. I feel like fish is pretty big. I couldn't name one fish song, to be quite honest. Yeah, but then you hear the lyrics and you're like, oh, I know this one. I don't think. No. Crazy names. I feel like Phish is pretty big. I couldn't name one Phish song, to be quite honest. Yeah, but then you hear the lyrics, and you're like, oh, I know this one. I don't know where I would. I don't know where I would. TJ, can you pull up Phish's biggest hits? Nah, they're not.

Phish on the radio. But yeah, there's a lot of people where Phish becomes their whole personality. Oh, yeah. And they just travel the country going to shows. When dudes hit 30, you kind of have to choose one route of band to kind of make that your thing grateful dead's a big one especially here in chicago it seems yeah yeah yeah yeah big cat if you just met him for the first time you wouldn't assume he's a huge grateful dead yeah but it's kind of hard to know you have like vps of banks that are 55 years old that are diehard Grateful Dead.

Yeah. That must have been crazy. You can't put a finger on it. No? No. What's that? He's never met a successful Deadhead. I've never met a successful Deadhead.

Are you doing okay? Shit. Fuck. You're like the first one. No, I don't know know i think it goes the other way i think i'm like damn i didn't realize how unsuccessful i was until so sass had aiden on boy dad live i had the pleasure of being on there and aiden was giving us his rundown of like uh your your romps with prostitutes your kind of mangled cock um and my dad heard it immediately your dad heard it he said his dad called him he did but he called me and he was like i heard you today on some podcast and i was like

oh yeah and he's like yeah you don't eat pussy on the first date and you definitely don't eat a hooker's pussy which is kate says is rule number one one. You don't tongue kiss hookers, though, right? Because the slap chop guy tongue kissed a hooker and she bit his tongue. Vince. Oh, that's right. Punched her, right? Yeah, he punched her. She bit his tongue. That's old fatherly advice.

He does everything he can. Yeah. It is good. It's like an unspoken. It's too personal. I like that movie. Can you get herpes just for making out with someone? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. because that's usually... Yeah, like the cold sores and shit. One or two. You can get genital herpes on your face. Can you only get face herpes and never have genital herpes? Yeah, I think so. I think that's what cold sores are.

Yeah, that's one. Oh, all right. Sass from the back. That's Simplex One. Big body rash guy. I've never gotten a cold sore i get cold sores all the time it's awful people get like weirdly silent when i bring that up it's not like a weird thing no i'm what do you want me to say i don't know ideally what would you want me to say like i can't believe you're saying that well i think the implication is that like you

actually have herpes so when you say yeah but people people i don't know why people act like cold sores aren't herpes when they literally are herpes well that's why people get silent because you're basically saying i like i mean if you go up to a stranger you're like i have herpes they're gonna just kind of stare at you right i don't know like half the people here probably have cold sores and that is herpes. I have a cold sore right now. Yeah, you have herpes. I think it's the word herpes. I think it's the word.

We called it something else. I think y'all are filthy. It's terrifying. It's not that bad. I got a case of the jingle. How long does it last? I thought I had herpes and I went to the doctor and he's like, you're going to have to wait two weeks for the results.

And those were a scary two weeks. Turns out it was just scabies I had scabies scabies stinks it was the worst thing I've ever had where'd you get scabies college but all over my body but mostly on my taint oh my god those are little bugs all over my cock and taint it goes to like the warmest areas of your body can you see them no you feel them it's under the skin I would just walk around campus just scratching. And then post-shower, it was worst when you were out of a shower. Oh, my God.

And then my older brother accidentally used the same towel as me, so then he got scabies and gave it to his girlfriend. I got mine my first week of college from my boy Cleveland. Oh, shit. How do you get rid of them? You have to get a cream and kill them all. Yeah, cream. But the cream took bugs.

Wrestlers get it a lot, right? Yeah, wrestlers. There is zero perk of being a wrestler. Yeah. Zero. Girls don't like it. It doesn't look fun. No.

You can't eat. Your ears get fucked up. Zero fans. No professional league. Oh. We're talking right now. Your dick looks small in the uniform. Scholarships.

Scholarships. Yeah. Because like kb had wrestlers would be on my side college paid for maybe because yeah yeah that was the only perk he had a ride to kent state and cornell and he chose kent state over that's wild i mean kb's far too intelligent to to be going to kent state yeah But Cornell, I think, has the highest suicide rate of any college. All those Ivies. Yeah. Well, they have the gorge.

I've been a couple times. They have the gorge now, and it's, like, covered in nets. When you say you've been a couple times. They've got that, like, famous bridge that everyone uses. Why were you on the bridge? What does that mean? Tough times. It's up in wine country.

Yeah, really. Yeah. So the campus actually has, has like a really cool walk um it's like a beautiful campus on a mountain overlooking this like lake and it's there's like steps that go up the waterfall walk and that's where you see the bridge with all the nets and like these signs being like you're doing great okay oh yeah yeah um which you're probably not doing that great no yeah you're on the bridge yes the sign should say it gets better you're probably not like killing it yeah i think at that point you gotta be like hey i'm going to an ivy league

school i shouldn't kill myself yeah but then you're probably like well i'm going to the worst ivy league school yeah or if i mean maybe they are doing great they're just like yeah this is my peak yeah i'm going to kill myself. It's probably just hard as fuck. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. And like doing that every day for four years, like hard as fuck shit. Yeah.

No. The Cornell Gorge, is that morbid? It's cold and dark up there. We've already looked up Cradle Cap, which will be worse. Yeah. Cornell has the best hospitality school in the country. You go to an Ivy League school for hospitality? To work at a hotel. That's interesting. Wow. hospitality school in the country you go to an Ivy League school hospitality work

at it to work at a hotel that's interesting Wow like a manager yeah it's a pretty big gorge we gotta get Logan Paul on there ASAP Wow I feel like I could have to walk out yeah like i would survive that jump just be paralyzed for oh there's the nets those nets are not nearly far out i mean especially these kids are smart enough to do the geometry yeah they know their exit angle that is like you would have to fall straight down that's the that's for slipping but there's also an offshoot that goes down There's like a little trail that goes down

Into the gorge the whole way down And it's like a mile of drop offs And waterfalls and shit That's not what I was picturing at all That's just a normal ass bridge There's nothing special I thought it was like a golden gate I thought it was going to be grim

And dark and daunting That looked quite nice I thought you had like a Golden Gate. I thought it was going to be grim and dark and daunting. That looked quite nice. I thought you had to climb a mountain. Yeah. When I was in San Francisco with Francis, he was trying to tell me that he thinks that he could jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge and survive. Totally. I think that might be a cry for help. Yeah, but I also kind of believe him.

That he would survive? A lot of guys are like, I could land the plane if I had to. I think a lot of guys feel like they could survive. First time I went to the Golden Gate Bridge, the guy jumped. I didn't see him jump. I saw the body floating, though. It fucked me up. I saw it floating, yeah.

I saw, like, there was commotion. Like, I was walking on the bridge. I was walking from, like, you know, the land part. Like, we're walking on the bridge. And then you see, like like all the commotion like a half mile up it's a big bridge obviously um so i didn't think anything of it i start like walking up to see what's going on and then you see like these boats coming out of the harbor like hauling ass yeah and i'm like looking down like what's going on and i yeah so i got floating there

and then and then it i stumbled, there's like a documentary. I forget what it's called. Maybe it's like called The Bridge or something where some guy set up his camera. So fucked up. Fuck me up. I watched it. I don't know why I watched this. It fucked me up.

Sets up his camera for like a year and just like follows people that he thinks are going to jump. And then he like films them jumping. What a dickhead. What a monster. It's fucking insane. Insane. I thought he was gonna intervene no it's insane it's insane what a monster yeah because because i remember i said something i said something to somebody in san francisco where i was like yeah i we were i was visiting a friend or something i was like yeah uh i went to the bridge like someone fucking jumped it was crazy he's like oh yeah people

do that all the time he's like in fact there's like this documentary you should check it out and then i checked it out what the fuck is this yeah it's just like footage of people jumping off the bridge like paparazzi for suicide yeah yeah that's pretty fucked up 35 was he like stopping people like he was like hey before we do that like try to beat this people have can you face the camera jumping off the bridge 35 people have survived 35 people have survived? 35 people have survived, and like 2,000 people have killed themselves. I remember there was one guy in the documentary that survived, and he said, I remember jumping off the bridge, and I thought as I was flying, all the problems I had in my life could be solved,

except for one, which is that I just jumped off the fucking gold standard. Jumping off of something and having enough time to think is horrible. So Sydney Wells had me and Kyle cliff jump in Chattanooga in this quarry

and I would not go off like the 25 foot one or the 30 foot one just because she was like, yeah, you could think like while you're doing it and I don't want that. No, no, no.

No, I'm not a big jumping off of things person. No, no, no. It scares me. I'm over risk. Yeah, I'm not a big jumping off of things no no no it scares me i'm over risk yeah i'm not a big risk taker physical risk i think i stopped risk in high school yeah i did a little in college you'll still fuck without rubber what's the risk on that you're right you get more talking points for the daily show yeah isn't the golden gate

bridge like high enough to the point where like the water is like falling on cement probably yeah definitely yeah 100 i think yeah that's what they say yeah there was just some super tall bridge somewhere i think down south this tourist group was just looking at the river and a construction worker accidentally and i mean it was like a big ass bridge. And they thank God they were there. They saw it and they went running to alert people. And he survived it. Wow.

By accident. Like most people, they said, like, the chance was like a zero points. But it's on video. I don't know how the hell you. How should you land if you catch yourself in a situation like this? Feet first. Soothpick. First, like a pencil.

I thought a little bent. I think they say that you're supposed to do that fucking fold over. We looked this up a while ago. What they really say is if you were to fall off the bridge, the best thing you could do is take your phone out of your pocket and throw it down. To break the surface tension? Yeah, surface tension of the water.

Really? Or your shoe, like anything that you have on you, if you could throw it at the water and let it hit the water before you hit it it's like it i don't think i'm thinking that quickly and i don't know if you see the red bull high dives they are spraying the land area with water to like break it up a little bit so you don't i want to go to a bridge day with you donnie and other donnie in west virginia the new river gorge has bridge day once a year they close down the bridge and they have this catapult on it and shoot people off in parachutes. But I bet you Chef Donnie would do it.

You would do it? I jumped off a bridge in Boston. Can you pull up bridge day? That was maybe like 90 feet or something. This one's bigger. Okay. I had horrible form but was fine, and then the friend I was with, he had perfect form but ended up twisting his knee and had a borderline fracture. What's the world record dive?

Oh, yeah. For the highest dive? The highest ever. That's what I want to know. Probably one of the dudes that jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah. Dude, yeah, all the world records for largest dive should be dead people. Yeah.

Now you can't discredit those little Asian boys. Little Asians have every record. Every record. Yeah. There needs to be two versions of the Guinness. I thought we looked at it a while ago. There we go. Yeah, it felt so much higher.

It felt so much higher than it was. And it looks so embarrassing now. I think this one was like 20 feet, maybe a little bit below. And I'm just on the ground before, I'm in the water before it happens. Oh, my God. I was so afraid. I got my shoes on. Oh, my God.

The buildup for that was a lot more than I had to talk myself through it. Yeah. Yeah. That looks fun. Kyle, that was a blast. And that was a limestone quarry. So your skin felt so good. Oh, yeah.

That was silky smooth. Where is this? This is in West Virginia. And they shoot you off that. That's aky smooth. This is in West Virginia. And they shoot you off that. That's a doozy of one. You would do that, Donnie? Donnie, you'd do that, dude? You would not do that.

That's nuts. He had a parachute. Fuck. Chef Donnie would do this. I'm not jumping off anything. That's a high-ass bridge. I'd rather actually kill myself. I don't fuck with the... the the oh no fuck that no look how windy it is too i have a question the bridge is like a big party everyone's having fun yeah what do you do if

something goes wrong and someone splats on a rock i think people do you just party even harder i think you yeah i think the people that sign up for this and that are into this are aware well aware that it will happen eventually because you have to stop like i don't know i don't know i mean it's like the squirrel suit guys oh yeah those dude i remember i saw a video of a dude hitting i think a bridge yeah i mean they just pop yeah and it's the loudest noise yeah it's horrible. Oh, God. Oh, that's you, Donnie. Yeah. That's high.

That's high as fuck. Yeah. Damn. That's pretty high. How was it? It's not really good. A little bit on the side. It's not really good.

You sound like an Uber driver. Yeah. Donnie went to Italy with his Uber driver. Oh, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. That was nuts. Yeah, he just openly admitted shooting someone and killing them in Syria. Yeah.

He lived in Syria, and he was like, I was in the military for two years, and then I went in prison for one. Yeah, he was like, I was in the military, jail for one. And he goes, I was in jail, I shoot men, he for one. And I was like, what? And he goes, I was in jail. I shoot men. He claimed general. I don't know he's general. I shoot him, and they're not prison nine months. And I was like, what?

Did you tip this guy? Yeah, I tipped him big. Yeah. And now I drive Uber. Yeah. Do you like watches? I love watches. Holy shit. I don't know how you, I love them. Holy shit.

I don't know how you – I was saying it last night. I was like, I feel like the guy definitely wasn't a general. So I feel like in Syria, if you shoot the general, they're probably going to cut off your head. That's what I said. I said they'd probably rip your limbs off. They're going to make you jump off a bridge. Yeah. I don't think it's just like, all right, we'll give you nine months.

Except maybe it is like an act of courage to kill the general. Maybe people hate the general. That guy was the man. He only got nine months, he said. Yeah, nine months for shooting the generals. And then he had to go to Dubai. Yeah. Had to go to Dubai.

That sounds sweet. I know. He said Dubai is too expensive, though, so then he moved to Chicago. Yeah. Now he drives a Mercedes. And he said Chicago reminds him a lot of Syria. Yeah. He said Chicago's like Syria, but a little more dangerous.

A little bit more. A little bit more. All right, we kind of go that way. Suicide, murder. Today's a national day of Chicago. Of rage. Yeah, it's a day of rage. And it's also Friday the 13th. Yeah it's right Day of rage But we don't

And it's also Friday the 13th Yeah A very good time CJ you're flying back to New York tonight right? Yeah In four hours That's awesome Flying back to New York

That's awesome Hmm Those are three Facts of the day What for TJ? What? What for? Like for a work thing or just

Seat parents Oh okay So Rutgers Oh Rutgers I read that it's extremely rare that the day of jihad and friday the 13th uh match up like that like once every thousand like the harvest moon on halloween yeah yeah what's the rule for the day of jihad what does it like every other when when is it every? I'd have to look is it like Easter I don't know how that works

My least favorite day easily my least favorite holiday How many texts have you gotten to be careful? From my parents? Anyone. A couple. Yeah. My mom's texted me a hundred times, be like, I don't like this at all. I'm like, yeah, I don't think anyone does. Yeah, I don't think anyone's pumped. That's like the perfect target

if you're going after a lot of white, non-Muslim. My comedy show? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. See, it's talk like that that's going to get you in trouble. I would hope not. Honestly, yeah, dude, that would be kind of the ideal way for me to go out. They make you a legend.

Put a bow on this weekend. Tie the knot. Six good shows, and then the seventh show, just fucking terrorist attack. Which event is going to have less Muslims? The fish show or a little sass comedy show? Definitely the fish show. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm not trying to throw like, obviously, a lot of Muslims don't believe in the day of jihad. True. It's only the, it's a small. Jihadist. Yeah, it's only the jihadist. It's only jihadist. What are they calling it? They're calling it the day of rage, right? Yeah. Which Jihadist. Yeah, it's only Jihadist. It's only Jihadist. What are they calling it? They're calling it the Day of Rage, right?

Yeah. Which sounds so sick. Yeah. If there was like a Day of Rage concert, I would be there. That would be awesome. In the pit. I'd still line up for that. Oh, man.

Slipknot. The Day of Rage. Mook, you've been quiet? Yeah. That fucking liquor kicked my ass. Yeah yeah i'm on an empty stomach yeah and i'm just debating on if i want to keep pushing or welcome brother pushing i'm gonna keep yeah sounds like it was your idea bro it was yeah it was was it your idea yes and then uh and titus ran out to go get and then i ran out to go get yeah i'm gonna have a high noon actually and i'm

just my favorite drink it's time to load up on the ice and break out the oversized long games because high noon game day pack folks it's back it includes limited edition fan faves pear and cranberry along with black cherry and grapefruits made with real vodka real juice 100 calories gluten-free no added sugar the high noon game day pack is a fall exclusive which means it's here for a good time but not a long time visit highnoonspirits.com before your next tailgate to find a pack near you high noon i'm gonna have a handful this weekend at uh at the bears tailgate tonight tomorrow uh gonna go get some wings at Bird's Nest and going to have high noon everywhere I go. Because, one, it's great.

And two, for guys with sensitive stomachs like me, it agrees with me. It agrees with me. Did you end up finding the jersey? Did you get your Bears jersey yet? I got my Bears jersey. Oh, you did. Me and TJ had a nightmare situation trying to find the Bears pro shop. You dropped us off yeah

thank you we weren't in this door of the Bear Shop until like an hour 15 minutes after you where was it at the stadium or what we thought you think the Bear Shop would be just right there at the stadium they say it's open I called we walked a lap around the stadium no signage nothing to where you can get bears gear there's no people nothing felt like we shouldn't be there and i called the bear shop to get directions it's on the fourth floor of the parking garage just in the middle of the parking garage what and it's just a door like there's cars parked in a glass door and that's where it was and and TJ got the deal of a century. Yeah, I got a Mitch Trubisky for $11. They had Mitch Trubisky jerseys, authentic.

But no DJ Moore jersey. I got a DJ Moore jersey. You did get a DJ Moore, sorry. Was not $11, but his was $11. You could flip that. They had a rack of Claypools, Montgomery's, Cohen's, and Trubisky's. And the Trubisky's were $11. And you could buy up all those Trubisky's,

and probably Gary Vee. Gary Vee would have bought every one of those and flipped them. But the quest to get to the store would set you back a couple hundred dollars. Honestly, we probably came out in the red. It's in the elevator lobby, the west elevator lobbies. Insane to find. I'm sure Chicago people know this, but it, yeah. No, they're probably learning for the fun.

I was ready to throw in the towel. Damn. It's crazy that it's that hard for you guys to just find Bears stuff. Yeah, I was like, I was ready to throw in the towel It's crazy that it's that hard for you guys to just find Bear stuff this there's a shop by Wrigley, but it's always closed. Yeah, you think it's only open on game day I think so or like on weekends probably yeah something was a bad business plan Yeah, they probably make I would I would have bought in bear shit. Uh-huh. I like buying Look the city. I'm living in. I adopt their cultures. That's good of you.

I'm the same way. I've been told that that makes me a bad sports fan. No, no, no. I'm like the Adam 22 of sports. I'll go there and I'll just steal the culture. That's how I was in L.A. I would cheer for all the L.A. teams. My friends back home were like, what the fuck happened?

It's way more fun that way. I like people in the city I live in being happy. Bars are more fun. Yeah. Going to games is fun. I still would, if the Bears would play the Steelers, I'd want the Steelers. Right, right. But all things being equal, I would prefer everyone I'm interacting with

on a daily basis not be pissed off about how bad their sports teams are. I've been getting too upset over sports lately, and I need to take a step back and realize that ain't me. Did something happen last night? Nope, nothing happened last night, man. Are you putting money on it? Why are you getting so fired up? I'm passionate.

I'm a jock. Classic. Yeah, I lost every single bet last night. Yeah? Yeah. You bet on college ball? No. You bet on college ball? No. You bet on the – yeah.

Yeah. It's just not worth it. Not a great game. Thursday nights just never are. No. I'm a very bad fan in general because I feel like when my teams lose, I'll be upset for maybe like two hours or three hours. I'm not going to let it ruin my week.

It depends on how they lose. If they lose in the very last play of the game when they're playing against their old coach. On a Hail Mary. On a Hail Mary after they just scored and should have won and your co-worker texts you your team's 5-1 and then they lose with 10 seconds left and they unsend the message.

That would piss me off. That would last a little bit i i will say i talked about this a little bit but i thought i was a big bills fan and then the patriots were playing i forget what game it was it was like week two or something i think it was when they were playing the dolphins and it was kind of a close game and i literally almost started crying because i was so upset that they lost dude the Patriots are very bad. But it's just like every game in the fourth quarter, they start playing okay, and then they just suck. It has to hurt worse for you because you've never known a bad Patriots team.

No. Everyone was always like, how are you not into football? It's because you would only watch the Super Bowl. No, really. Fuck you. Yeah, they were in the Super Bowl. No, really. Fuck you. Yeah, they were in the Super Bowl every single year. Yeah. Like literally like every year.

You're just like, oh, the Super Bowl's tonight. Time to watch. Yeah, time to watch Tom Brady win again. Every year. Yeah, and you're not like joking. No. It was crazy. The very first Patriots Super Bowl was the day I got my first handjob.

Actually, my first over-the-pants handjob. Okay. So I have really grown up with the Pats. Yeah. Over-the-pants handjob, I've never gotten one. I don't really want one. First time a girl had ever, like, touched my penis, even though it was over the jeans.

Did you like it? Yeah. Did you bust? I think I probably busted. Or at least I was just leaking pre-cum. Okay. Nice. All right.

So you leaked. Sorry, Kate. No, no, just a ton of pre-cum. Yeah, tons of pre-cum. I don't know if I busted, but I was definitely leaking. I think I was oozing, but I'm not quite sure. It wasn't a gush. It was a steady drip.

Speaking of oozing and gushing, are you guys done with your sex book stories? Yeah. Yes, I sent mine to you, TJ. Yeah, I got Zaz and mine and Titus's. I had to take a step back as I was writing mine. I was like, this shit is awful. I'm halfway through. Mine's to the point of sexuality

where there's no humor. TJ, you're done. I read yours. You had 25 jokes. No, it gets just purely physical. Mine's not super jokey. Mine's just fucking horny. I don't know where the line was, like how jokey it was supposed to be.

Because I was writing a sex story, and then I was like, oh yeah, this is supposed to be funny and purchasable. TJ, are you done with yours? Yeah. How many words is yours? 1,500. Okay. So have you read mine or Zaz's? I have.

Yours is very, very well written. You can tell that you've written a book before. I wasn't fishing for compliments, but I appreciate that. Compare mine to the non-first language English speaker. I was curious, like, do the three of them feel similar? Okay, all right. They're all unique? It's just like it is the clusterfuck we expect it to be.

You're supposed to, like, chain into one another. That's not good. Yeah, that's not good. Okay, that's what I was— Are we reading these right now or are we saving them? We're to be. You're supposed to chain into one another. That's not good. Yeah, that's not good. Okay. Are we reading these right now or are we saving them? We're selling them. We're binding them and publishing them. Do you want to give an excerpt of yours, Mark? Let me see because I do have

some... It all ties together. It's one narrative that at the very end there's like a punchline. So I don't want to give too much away but I can pull it up and see if there's something I can read here. So what is this exactly? Great question. Great question.

One episode, we thought it was funny to look up fantasy porn books. There was this orc that was fucking a woman. It's this author, Sue Mercury, and and we're like we could do this so everybody's writing a chapter of a book that we're selling on black friday but they have a different mythical beast and they have a different trait um so i have a leprechaun that loves to tease he's a tease god i have a dz a devious hobgoblin we have a photo of the devious hobgoblin oh yeah yeah so i got the photo this morning yeah i do we have the unpublished cover art. I'm waiting for the text, but I can show

you the art. I got the photo this morning and I had to rewrite. Change my entire story. The whole gang. Title. Wow, that looks so... That's just me. That's just me. What's the difference between a goblin and a hobgoblin

why don't you ask me i'm a gooby yes okay oh this looks so good getting that text hung over fucked me up hard this looks so sick that's brand Brandon as an enter. A Camara. Yeah. No, he's a Draco tar. Kate's pregnant. Kate. Who's the yeti up there?

Not pregnant. Big cat. TJ. TJ the heartbeat. I look wise as fuck. Oh, that looks awesome, man.

Whoa. My heartbeats in my story do not look like that. Yeah. My leprechaun does look like that. Stack slots. Wow. Oh, that looks awesome, man. Whoa. My harpies in my story do not look like that. Yeah, my leprechaun does look like that. Stack slots. Wow. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. It looks like that gay modern family.

I thought so. Yeah, yeah. Damn. He's giving Cam vibes. Wow, man. Incredible. I'm so excited. I think this will be the cyber monday i believe coin will

be black friday great fuck yeah you know it's a weird thought like people will buy it as a joke but somebody will jerk off to it yeah like someone you think mine like a giveaway mine's gotten me a little hard yeah first person first person to come to this yeah we'll do it let us know we'll give it people will trip this. If you cream to this book, we will bring you to Chicago. Yeah, we'll get you a job. We're hiring a new office manager. There's no way to prove it, though,

unless they film themselves just jacking off. Yeah, send all videos to me, Connor. Sift through them. Sass, do you want to read a paragraph of mine? Yeah.

Oh, God. Do you want me to read it out loud? Yeah, if you want. Yeah, that would be better for the show. I guess you could read the top part. All right. As you turn, you look up and admire the rainbow. No homo.

The storm has left in its steed. Aw, you whimper. Homo. It is the most vivid rainbow you have ever seen. The red like the flesh of Chief Wahoo. The orange reminding you of an orange. Yeah. The bright yellow like a jaundice.

I don't know what the fuck that is. Jaundice? Like a jaundice Chris Clemmer. Like a jaundice Chris Clemmer. The green like the face of Chief Wahoo. If he was feeling nauseous. The blue reminiscent of as a set of testicles left undrained even after spending $50 on a date with a woman. Bitch.

And the indigo and violet intertwined like Grimace and Barney dry humping on the couch this is right before they start fucking under a rainbow I'm gonna write like an 8th grade level two pages and you have that shit

that was the most descriptive section I glimpsed the next section it's pretty descriptive yeah Nick what's the difference between a goblin and a hob goblins are big hobgoblins are devious little sprites I'll read an excerpt of mine I embarrass myself so my protagonist is named Branson Waller just a random name

I came up with country singer probably does that sound like a country singer he's 18 years old he's a virgin 18 years old he's looking to fuck um and i had a deaf goo beast i think was deaf goo beast yeah that was my so an 18 year old virgin fucking a deaf goo beast so how did you write the dialogue for the deaf goo beast well

you'll find out here branson slowly made his way towards the goo beast until his pulsating erection poked the beast's leg with a bashful nudge like a whimpering puppy begging for a belly rub. Aw. He grabbed a handful of left titty and whispered the most arousing thing he could think of into one of the beast's completely non-functional ears. Did you know that Ole Miss hasn't won the SEC since 1963? And Bill Cosby is technically not a convicted rapist, like everyone thinks. Nyung-ung-ma-nung.

Wait, how'd you spell that? N-Y-U-G-G-H-H-U-N-G-M-U. nyugghh yeah whatever TJ can you google translate that deaf to English Branson smiled and gave the titty a nice firm honk honk he said that's all I'll read

that's pretty good man that's good now you guys should uh submit these to like we're publishing these okay yeah yeah and i'm gonna be a new york times bestseller big cat has enough money to where he'll buy enough where and then resell to get on the new york times bestseller list yeah we can definitely get on the new york times bestseller list it Yeah. We can definitely get on the New York Times bestseller list. It's not hard. It's very, very easy. Don't say that.

We know that. How many copies do you have to sell? I don't know. Who's reading anymore? You know? Yeah, exactly. I read the Kindle. I read the Kindle.

I read the Kindle. I'm 150 pages a day. Really? Mm-hmm. Damn. Before bed or? Before bed. Yeah.

But I'll also do it in Uber rides whenever whenever I can it's convenient. It's fun Hmm, I would puke my brains out reading it in uber. I've managed to get okay with it You read on a screen or do you have a physical like I have the Kindle you have the Kindle the Kindles Yeah, I would few handles game changer. Yeah, I know they still made them. Oh, yeah, they're cheap, too Yeah, 50 bucks and the battery life's like six weeks. Yeah. It lasts forever. It's actually been a big issue for me because I just lose the chargers.

Oh, yeah. Every cycle, I buy a new charger. Yeah. What are you reading right now? I don't want to say because people will spoil, but I'm in the middle of a big epic series. I only read, like, fantasy. You only read fantasy. Harry Potter? I'm in the middle of Harry Potter.

And right now, let's just say one of the guys is an Azkaban no spoilers no spoilers if you spoil this book you'll forever in my eyes a Slytherin oh man guys what is this an impression of? Hacky sack. Nope. What the fuck? I was using my hand. Cornhole?

Bowling. Bowling. At Bolero. Bolero. Are you pissed at me now? No. If you're looking for the ultimate spot for your night out, Bolero's got you covered with amazing

deals like night strike and after party you'll be enjoying a night of unlimited bowling for one low low low price unlimited bowling visit a bolero near you every monday and friday night and take advantage of this season's best deals on the lanes head over to bolero.com to find a place near you. Bowling's fun. It was a very fun day when we all went bowling. Yeah, it was. I didn't get to have a good time. No less. That's the ultimate symbol of wealth for me. Bowling alley in the home.

Oh, yeah. That was like the big thing when you were, I remember everyone said that there was the bowling alley in the White House. Is there actually? I don't know, but I remember that was like the big thing when you were younger you like holy shit do you remember when white house comm led you to a porn website yeah it was like the only one unblocked simpler times still my first like porn search yeah yeah yeah sex boobs sex yeah we're being in like a computer lab in 6th grade and googling giants

giants? and just hoping that tits popped up unfortunately dicks can be giants yeah that's a good idea what actually came up New York Giants yeah understandable

if you googled something kind of on the edge remember the pop-ups? Did anyone else have that problem? Yeah. Just pop-ups in general? Yeah. Where you would Google something and you'd click it, but then straight-up porn shit would pop up across the screen. Yeah.

With reckless abandon. You'd try to be clicking X on it. I remember... Just me? No? No, no, no. I would get that. I was clever about how i saw my nudity uh ebombsworld.com had this game called sim day and night where you were a guy you're a wealthy man or you try and become wealthy and fuck women and it was never found in the search history but you

could just go sleep with women on sim day i might go home and play that nostalgia bust awesome it's like going back to lisa and e-bombs world like reposts like every barstool video really yeah like i can find all of my vids now uploaded to e-bomb that would be the dream to be on e-bombs back in the day what i i know what e-bombs was but also like what was e-bombs you know like i like looking back on like who yeah it sounds like you don't know what it is who was running it i know but tell everybody else everything about it i know ebombs and so far as like they had all the fucking crazy ass videos or whatever but like games videos who was running this shit and like was it a website or was i just know of the the watermark i know the watermark of ebombs wasn't like an aggregator of the people went around who worked for e-bombs and found the most interesting stuff?

It was just an aggregator. And then they put it in categories like games, this, that. There was a guy's name. That's what that knew. He was a real fat guy, wasn't he? I just know e-bombs world was around before YouTube where you could just go and search vids. That was like the place you would go to find funny vids before YouTube came out. I've never heard of e-bombs before.

I was a Funny or Die guy. Oh, yeah. I've never heard of eBombs before. I was a Funny or Die guy. Oh, yeah. I did Funny or Die. I was eBombs, funnyjunk.com, and newgrounds.com, Homestar Runner. Did eBombs have, like, gory shit? You don't know what the fuck eBombs is. Say it to my fucking face. Say it again.

I think they had some gore. Did they? When my buddies would text me and be like, check this out, and then I click on it and it's like a fucking beheading video. Live. Live leak? Live leak. That was live leak.

Yeah, that was live leak. Yeah, it was just like. Fucking vids. Currently known as Twitter.com. Yo, dude, thought you might be into this. I have no idea what I'm clicking on. I have such a vivid memory of me and my friends hanging out in high school and one of our buddies being like dude you Guys got to see this video. It's hilarious

Like a video of like a skier just getting like chopped in half. Yeah, and died. It's hilarious. We're all like what the fuck dude Why did you show us that he's just like sitting in the corner just? my butter Cheers brother. My buddy showed me two guys and a hammer and two girls, one cup and Mr. Hands all Oh, yeah. Jar guy.

The big one was Jar guy. Yeah, the Jar guy was funny. Sergeant Jar Squad. He died, I thought. Mr. Hands? Yeah, I would be surprised if... Jar dude died, too. I would assume every single person in any one of those videos, I assume they're all dead, right? I can't imagine the two girls, one of the top girls, are, like, thriving right now.

Dude, with how Twitter videos are now, I assume most people are dead. If you wake up in China, you have a 50% chance of dying. Oh, man. Shoenice is not dead, though. No, not dead. He was a fan of the yak for a little bit. Then he got real racist in the comments. How long did he last before he said that no-no word?

Like two episodes. He made future accounts to keep chatting because we kept banning his accounts, and he would make more accounts. He drew the little yak logo on his background. I think that this is something that he does where he goes from like internet community to internet community trying to become like their guy. Like he was like, first I went to the H3H3 community and then they kicked me out. And then I went to this community and they kicked me out.

And now the Yak will kick me out. Is it the same reason? What? I would assume so. Just harassing everybody else in the chat. That honestly sounds like a fucking awesome way to spend your time. Yeah. That would be like the most entertaining shit of all time.

He also like deletes his YouTube channel like once a week and is like, YouTube fucking hates me. I'm going on TikTok now and then a week later shows back up on YouTube. Yeah. Those guys love to say that they're shadow banned. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I always liked LA Beast more than shoe nice anyway Oh, really? Yeah, I was always a shoe nice guy. He had a real fall from grace though. Yeah

I was who would have guessed the library? I was big into shoe nice and custom grow 420 420 was the best and then I think some video came out of him and his wife like straight up brawling always man who was the guy that gave himself the buzz cut he seemed oh no the bowl cut he seemed chill yeah I used to watch custom grow 420 videos before I even smoked weed

and I'd be like this guy's the fucking coolest because it would just be videos of him taking like a one gram dab and he'd start off his videos and he'd be like what up YouTube YouTube what up dude is that how you got the cadence for the intro to son of a boy dad i love him dude the bowl cut maintenance video he's he's the man how old is this video 12 years ago i mean that's spicoli yeah Yeah. And yeah, just the maintenance cut. He's a legend.

That looks like the dude from Blades of Glory. Oh, this guy's awesome. Yeah. Nick, do you still track world of t-shirts? Yeah, it's kind of getting sad. It is, okay. He's drinking a bunch. He's drinking a bunch. That drinking a bunch that's like he is

like the modern day like shoe nice yeah i mean somebody's been tracking his drinks that he's just filmed yeah last month he had like 321 drinks just filmed on tiktok so you gotta assume he did 200 day streak of drinking yeah not great video of him uh trying to drink water and it wouldn't he gagged yeah he's he's on the 99 bananas, which is like when you start boozing, like that's the bottom of the barrel. Frank the Tank, I don't think, can drink just straight up water. No? Yeah, it doesn't sit well with his palate.

I get it, yeah. You grow accustomed to one thing. And then Jersey Jerry has an aunt that has never like in the last 10 years, she hasn't had a cup of water. She only drinks iced tea.

Who? Jersey Jerry's aunt. Really? I don't know. I think he was. This was like on the yak a year ago and he actually called her up

live and she confirmed it. A shocking amount of adults just don't have vegetables, which blows my mind. Al Michaels. Al Michael.

He just has pork chops, right? Who's the guy that just has pork chops? He's an NFL personality that just has pork chops, I think. I, like, never eat vegetables, so every now and then I make myself eat a can of beets. Ew, that's the worst vegetable. But to me, it seems like the darkest, most intense vegetable, so to me it makes up for going long without eating vegetables i love

beets uh nature's candy yeah i'll eat vegetables at restaurants but i like don't know how to cook them so that they're good so i just like broccoli is pretty easy asparagus is there i guess yeah i like vegetables brussels sprouts that you have never knowingly eaten a vegetable in your life that is true when my parents were 18 my mother hadn't even read dr spock at that point she just let me have the run of the of the course and uh i always push the vegetables away. To this day, no. What I've proven to you is that man does not need vegetables. Yeah. But is it just possible that you would like, I'm thinking of one of the more non-objectionable vegetables, a carrot.

A carrot? No, that's an objectionable vegetable. I mean, really? I mean, how would you know? You've never tasted it. I look at it. I just don't even like the look of it. And I surmise what it is.

That's like me with pussy. That's one of the greatest sports broadcasters of all time right there. Yeah, just doesn't have vegetables. Doesn't fuck with vegetables. That's encouraging. I don't believe him for a second by the way connor griffin he gets hamburgers at every restaurant plain hamburger just cheese cheeseburger yeah okay nothing on it though yeah yeah you got nothing on it at the steakhouse

just cheese and burger and bread but do you do you eat tomato onion do you eat vegetables otherwise? There's no way. I'll have them in like chicken noodle soup, but that's pretty much it. I don't go out of my way. Do you eat salads? No, never. Huh. There's one of them amongst them. Because I'm with you.

How old are you, man? I'll get it. I'm only 23. I got to stop. I'll get into it eventually. No, I got into vegetables when I was like 26. Yeah. At some point, my doctor will pull me aside and grab me by the scruff of my neck and shake me.

And then I'll eat a vegetable. I do have to go to the doctor very soon, actually. I haven't been in years. Oh, no. I haven't either. Okay, yeah. But I'll find a doctor out here. They'll tell me that.

And then I'll get into vegetables. Yeah. How often are you eating chicken noodle soup? Probably like once every three days. No way Really? I get the cans I do the same

Oh so then you're having plenty of vegetables Like Campbell's chicken noodle soup Oh yeah In the summer too? Are you constantly sick? No Or do you just enjoy It's very easy to make

I don't make That's part of what I am hoping to get more into here in Chicago Is I need to start actually cooking food But I've just been like getting stuff that's already prepared or stuff that you could easily microwave, and I just put Campbell's chicken noodle soup. Yeah, we got done doing mostly sports today, and Connor was participating, throwing a little back with- He had the most Hennessy out of all of us.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he turns to me, and he goes- Yeah, brother. He goes, I need to get some food in my belly, man. I'm going to run to Target and get a Hot Pocket. That's what I would do back in New York when I was on an intern. Look at him. There you go. Oh, brother. He goes, I need to get some food in my belly, man. I'm going to run to Target and get a Hot Pocket. That's what I would do back in New York when I was on an intern. Look at him.

Oh, king. When I was on an intern salary, you know, or wage, I would just get Hot Pockets every day for lunch because it was cheap in New York and I couldn't afford anything else in New York. Yeah. So Hot Pockets are the way. There's probably some veggies in Hot Pockets. Vegetable oil.

You get the ham and cheese one. The only one that they have At the Target Is the pepperoni So I just get The pepperoni hot pockets But yeah We did wind up getting Some brunch

After most of sports Which was needed I feel much better now I took a nap I'm very close Right there Yeah Oh man

Anything else boys? You guys all sold out? Yeah. Yeah, I wanted to go to the show. You can still come. Really? I could get you in. You're no little Sasquatch, dude.

No shit? I mean, I know. I mean, I know. Honestly, anybody watching can just walk to the club and be like, yeah, I know Sas. You'll never have to pay for a ticket ever. There's no way in hell you guys are going to make it to the show yeah no i'm i'm going to tuck myself into bed here yeah i have to sober up yeah i'm happy i didn't drink would you ever do a tight five on stage i would not no ily. Why? You want her to be like a seven?

Oh, tight. A tight five. A tight five. Who are you going for? That's a great question. No, I'm way too old. Once you reach a certain age, you're like, I don't want to try anything new ever again. Because sucking at something... Like you guys telling stories about bombing on stage, I'm like, I would just fucking shoot myself.

That's the bravest shit on earth. I'm way too old to fail at something now. That's the bravest shit on earth. I couldn't do it. Yeah, I'm way too old to, like, fail at something now. I'd just shoot myself in the face. But being young is, you can, you're allowed that grace of, like, I'm young. I'm figuring it out. I squandered my youth. Yeah. Once you're a certain age, you can't try new shit.

How old are you? 36. That's not that old. No. Oh, thank you, man. Thank God. Damn. It is. it's not that old oh thank you man oh thank god damn it is who's who's the oldest stand-up comedian still touring now you think fucking i don't know there's a bunch who didn't even get was it he was like 40 yeah i was gonna say was it like dangerfield old when he started yeah because like have you ever seen a clip of

rodney dangerfield when he was in his 20s? It feels like he was always 55. Yeah. He started his comedy career when he was 55. Ron White's having a comeback, and he's old as shit. Yeah, Ron White's old. Louie's like... He's gone off the booze, though.

Seinfeld's old. Yeah, Seinfeld's old. Bobby Lee's 52. Bobby Lee's old as shit, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're just naming old comedians now that have been doing it forever like Seinfeld's old yeah great call I should have had the greatest sitcom ever

Seinfeld is my age like season 6 of Seinfeld it is kind of sad when you go to an open mic and you see like a 35 year old dude that's like yeah this is my passion yeah that's what I'm saying. There we go.

Talked him out of it. I did my stand-up set today on Mostly Sports doing the KB and Nick impressions. True, that wasn't very good. That was it. I got 10 seconds. Can you play that? Of material. That's it.

I was actually really pissed off. I don't like being made fun of. But go buy that shirt of my skinny- ass legs on the Barstool store. Is that in the store? I didn't know, but I just got sent the link. So we have an op in the Discord now. We got a sales op. Oh, we have somebody in sales in the Discord?

In the Discord. Have they destroyed our purity? They might have. So wait, are they just plucking things from there and throwing it up? Whoa. Yep. We got an op in the disc. Yeah, that's really embarrassing.

Nass, have you seen that picture of me? It's like a special Olympic shirt. Thanks, brother. Yeah, that's what it is. He dizzy bat. You think anyone's getting that? No. 4X.

Yeah, I do. 4XL. Probably the majority of us. Dude, the do. 4XL. Probably the majority of 4XL. Dude, the Barstool Short store just shouldn't have small. No. No. It's a waste.

It's a waste of a button. I know if you're in Knoxville, Tennessee, Punk plays tonight. I think Kyle's also in Knoxville. Is he really? Yeah. He was solo out there. Yeah.

Sweet. He probably has a friend out there, though, right? Or did he just go on a solo? He was waiting on his family to get there. Yeah. But he got there dearly. Did he hit his bet last night? No.

No. The first time he told us, he didn't hit first touchdown. Or he just sent us stuff and he bet something else, which I could see happening. We're never going to hear his bets again. No. No. I used credit card points for the first time this morning whoa really what'd you get a flight to french polynesia oh wow yeah i had never used points like my first four years

working at barstool and that's when i was traveling a bunch and i would just put things on my own card and then get reimbursed yeah and like i told someone at a party that i like didn't have a points credit card and just used a debit card. And it looked like he was about to kill himself. Yeah. That's what Francis was like with me. Yeah. He just had a straight up nervous breakdown. I was like, OK, like I'll get I'll get a points card. Yeah. And it works. Yeah. Oh, so you you the way you first said it, I thought you'd been like saving points for 10 years. No, like my like i i finally got a points credit card only three years ago oh wow yeah and you've grown to french polynesia

yeah that's sick was able to get two round trip flights to french polynesia just using points oh that's amazing yeah i haven't used miles yet i'm saving up mine yeah i got the sky miles card i'm tempted every time to upgrade everything SAS does revolves around Delta I offered him a discount at Walgreens. My cousin works there. Oh, yeah No every dollar counts. Yeah towards a mile. That's messed up Well, you have the sky miles card every day every dollar you spend is a mile. Yes, so I'm like, yeah I'm not gonna miss out on these free miles. No, yeah, that's crazy. I need to get one Yeah I miss out on these free miles. No. Yeah, that's crazy. I need to get one. Yeah.

And then any purchase you make with that card on Delta is three times in miles. What? Yeah. Yeah, I got to do it. Yeah. What card is it? The Delta SkyMiles card. Dude, you live in your car.

I don't know if you're going to get approved. No, I absolutely not. You don't have credit. No. Do you have an identity i mean debt collectors find me i have no address so they can't fucking they're pulling up to a walgreens fucking parking lot no i live anywhere so you really do live in your car yeah kind of yeah i have so many questions in the shows like No, no, ask some questions. He's an interesting guy. What's your deal? There we go.

Very good first question. Thank you. It's a charge question. So you do stand up, too. Yeah. And, sorry, I live in a bubble, so I don't know anything anymore because I'm a mom. No, no, no. So you do stand up, too, but you live out of your car, and that's how you go to all the shows?

Yeah. It's got a bed in the back. What kind of car is it? Subaru Impreza hatchback. Oh, yeah. How far have you traveled? How long have you been doing that? About a year now at this point.

Living out of the car. The clubs are like, do you need a spot? And you're like, no, I'll sleep in my car tonight. Well, if someone offers, if I find a couch or I find a nice lady, I'll do that instead. What if it was a mean lady? Sure, she can kick me around. I deserve it. Is it hard to find?

Is it like, I'm usually in the Walmart parking lot? Residential. Residential, okay. I mean, it's weird, but you get over it pretty quick. You just get so tired, you're like, I really don't give a fuck. Maybe someone will kill me, you know? You're just too tired to care. Tired to care.'t give a fuck. Maybe someone will kill me, you know? You're just too tired to care.

Yeah, tired to care. I've been there. And then how did you link up with Sass? We were talking about that last night, actually. That was fun. Yeah. I saw a clip that he posted, and then I followed him, and then he hit me up and was like, I'm going to be in, because I was going to Detroit, and he was like, I'm going to be around there if you need a feature.

So then he did that. Whoa, whoa, whoa that what's your social media AIDS man numbers there's numbers right yeah why 109 because there's already AIDS man you know I could see you're just like a AIDS man is. I'll be AIDS man one. Like eight hours later. AIDS man 109. Where are you from originally? Galesville, Wisconsin. Okay.

Small town, Wisconsin. Kind of look like Evan Peters. I get that all the time. People are like, great value, Evan Peters. I didn't say great value. I appreciate that. That's nice. I get a lot of great value, Evan Peters.

Or uglier Michael Cera. I'd rather be great value Evan Peters. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. At least I can sleep at night. Evan Peters is a good-looking dude. Yeah. Yeah. Aidsman 4 only has 200 followers.

I've got all the other Aidsmans beat, dude. The number one Aidsman. The number one Aidsman 4 only has 200 followers. I've got all the other Aidsmans beat, dude. The number one Aidsman. The number one Aidsman. Che wrote on the sheet, Nicky Smokes weekend plans. And Smokes keeps lingering around. Should we bring him over? Should we figure out what his...

Yeah, I wouldn't mind a quick... Do we want to open that Pandora's box? We don't have to. I do have to share one story about Smoke. So he invited me to his housewarming party. Yeah. He had no idea who I was. He thought I was just like a random production guy here who like maybe like filmed things.

And then I wasn't told like at the party that he was like. What did he say actually i don't know he just thought i was like a dude around the office like helping with sound or i think he googled you because he's like and then i looked and he had like a bunch of videos that did really well smokes come here yeah you didn't know who donnie you didn't know donnie no clue that's here there's use this mic yeah he didn't have a clue. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't show it, though. And then the morning after party. Yeah, pour it off camera.

Yeah. Have you been drinking? Yeah. Honest ask, dude. Hell yeah. It's been a long week. Smokes was saying every time a friend arrives in town, he picks them up at the airport, and they both chug Tallboys together.

What kind of beer? And then he drives them home. That's good. Responsible. Yeah. Hell yeah. He probably doesn't kick in until like. Yeah, until they're close to home.

But that's actually where I think 90% of DUIs happen within like a mile of your house. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I found that out in AA. What are the weekend plans, Smokes? So tonight I'm just going to take my boy out to West Loop, probably go to Texan, John Boy, show him the local shit. And then Saturday I'm just trying to fucking rage.

Yeah. And then Sunday is just always football. Sourday is like my blackout day uh what what what uh classic oh actually so i was gonna invite some of my boys over tonight but they're going to your fucking show so you stole two of my boys so damn dude and they dumped mad sacks dude that that's your audience man yeah i don't know what dumping masts is. There may be a terrorist attack at Sass' show, so maybe you could talk him out of it. Yeah, I mean, it's a good excuse not to go. Yeah, terrorism. Can you walk us through a Saturday rage?

Well, can you walk us through what dumping sack means first? Yeah, so, like, I just go in my wallet, I pull out my bag, and I just flip it on the table. Oh, dumping sack. Yeah. I thought it meant beating off. Yeah. I thought it meant beating off. Yeah. I thought it meant just... I thought it meant fucking.

Yeah. Tell them they're not allowed to dump sack in my show. Yeah. That's the last thing we need. Dump sack. I don't know where the idea comes from that you have to be, like, belligerently fucked up to go to a comedy show.

It's more ideal to watch it when you're, like, relatively sober. Dude, maybe you suck. No. Hell. It's just all these people... Oh, shit, I'm going to see sass tonight where's my sack yeah i want to see sass got to do a lot of cocaine black the fuck yeah and that would be a horrible and then stand still for two hours yeah just sit there they have to stand or sit sit all right that's nice do they have like a table not be fun maybe i'd assume so. It depends. Oh, yeah, so they'll dump.

Yeah, I have to sit and be quiet. They're going to dump at the venue? Dump sack. They're going to dump? Yeah. They're going to be up. Do all your boys dump? Yeah, we all dump.

I'm going to need pictures of these guys before they show up. Just get them on some sort of watch list. I'm not going to do that. I think I'm going to have them go up to you and just dump sack on your stage. Dump sack on the stage? It would literally get arrested. Yeah, it's literally illegal. I feel like no one gets arrested in chicago yeah he's right hey he's kind of right they all survived and no one got arrested for it i think you could

dump sack like a window yeah we got to get you to o block brother that i'm good on that so uh what what uh member of roster, what position are you hitting up? It's my boys in town, so I'll probably go to, like, my sixth, seventh on the bench because they usually have, like, a lot of friends that are trying to get, like, more minutes. Yeah, yeah. Seventh on the bench or seventh? Like, seventh man. Seventh man.

So second on the bench. Okay, okay. Yeah. You speak in a code I don't understand. Yeah, man. So second on the bench. Okay, okay. Yeah. You speak in a code. I don't know. Yeah, man. This is a completely different world to me. Yeah, this is language over my head.

Exactly what he's talking about. I'm teaching Mook. He's like my protege. I love that. Mold him in your image. This is how it works with Smokes. The first time you meet him, you're like, who the fuck is this guy? It's taken me a long time to warm up to him, but I'm getting there.

It's crazy when it happens, man. Yeah, cheers, brother. His friends here chicago were a lot more normal than him but that's because they're my friends from chicago they're not my friends from back home oh so you got a friend from back home here yeah he's a sick fuck where's back home miami okay that explains yeah yeah a lot but you're a sick fuck too too. Like, I know you, like, play innocent. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You want me to end the show?

End the show? Well, I will say, I'm 36. I was at your housewarming party last weekend, and I felt, like, surprisingly normal, which is concerning. I feel like I either have to have kids, or I'm going to be 40 years old at, like, a Nicky Smokes party. That's a nightmare. The window is almost closed now.

Look, imagine seeing that. Look at that picture. Al Pacino just had a kid. That's three fucking stallions right there. Dude, if a chick wakes up to that. They're dripping. POV, you're getting cream pod. But, yeah, my kid window isn't almost closed.

What are you talking about? Well, how old's your wife? I mean, she's younger than me. How much does she weigh? Yes. Oh my goodness. Here we go. Women can have a kid and they can have a kid.

Well, my mom had me really late, so I don't know if you want to bring another smoke into this world. Are you saying you're autistic? Isn't that what happened? Did you have extra fingers when you were born no okay that's that's a telltale fingers yeah no i'm just i'm that stupid to believe no no you i felt the whole god would they cut them off yes i'm not buying it that's okay you don't have to it's not really i'm not really gonna work to convince you i'm sold now i'll be going to work to convince you. I'm sold now.

I'll be able to sleep tonight without you believing that. Holy shit. You two need to start a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Are you ever going to come to my house? Me? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Most weekends I'm having to travel and shit. No, you're not. I swear. Are you traveling this weekend? My boy's in town. Oh.

Stinky Tony from Columbus. Is he a sick fuck? No, no, he's my attorney. Oh, okay. We're selling... No, that's Sweet Potato Pat. Oh, sorry. He's a sick fuck.

He's a sick fuck. Stinky Tony just got engaged. We're going to celebrate his engagement. Yeah. Strip club? No, no, no. Bears game. You're a strip club guy?

Occasionally. I hate strip clubs. Not hate up here the strip clubs up here fucking suck they don't get naked really that's not a strip club then they're right no it's lame it's terrible just what the strip clubs are like shit over their tits like that's the whole point of the strip club is to see the titties and like they're not out well they're out but they're covered so like miami strip clubs elite how so i think we should like do a trip down there me and you like me you and like mook okay and just go to miami and fucking rage all right let's do it you call it like and where you teach oh there we go yes that go. Yes, Kate. That's really good. Good idea. Damn, now I guess I have to do it. Damn.

No, we'll call Blattman. We'll try to sell the series. Hey, Blattman, can you give us a budget for cocaine? It's going to be a full-on porno. Presenting sponsor. Presenting sponsor. Thanks to Talkies for presenting me fucking this stripper. A documentary that's like surviving secondhand.

Yeah. All the women from ten years ago. Like before and afters. Like you before Miami versus after. What would change? Your whole life. Oh, fuck. You view everything.

But don't people, he also is like an avid Bible reader. That's right. Fuck up. Really? There's a Bible by his bed. I don't like those where are you at right now in the bible i'm on john okay john yeah i'm on pause the gospels yeah

well i i said i told you guys last time i was here monday through friday i'm a good kid and well monday through thursday i'm good and what about you won't go out on Thursdays? I'll go out to like our bar on Thursday for work. But like I don't do anything outside of the box until right now. You just eat face on Thursdays. Yes. Munch box. Do you read the Torah? Well, the Torah is in the Bible.

Wow. I didn't think he was going to know that. Wow. I was trying to catch him. I'm a genius. In disguise. How old't think he was going to know that. Wow. I was trying to catch him. I'm a genius. Damn. In disguise. How old are you?

24. Oh, nice. Yeah, I heard you're like the only kid younger than me. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, you guys should hang out. Yeah, you guys should. Ever. Wait, Mook, how old are you?

26. Mook's like 32. He could be. No, how old are you actually,? Mook's like 32. He could be. No, how old are you actually, though? He won't tell anybody. He's 27. I'm 17. 27.

Maybe I'll just say your name, your real name. Uh-oh. And then we can find it on the internet. It's probably like Luke. It is. God damn, it is. What the fuck, dude? Connor Luke.

Connor Luke. This rhymes with move. Damn. We found you out. Fuck. Oh, it's Connor. Good job. That's good work right there.

Detective Smokes. So what's your plan after this? Like, what are you going to do when this, like, right when the camera's cut, what's your plan? Going home. You're going home? For what? Drinking? What are you going to do right when the camera's cut? What's your plan? Going home. You're going home? For what? Drinking? Yeah.

Is your boy here right now? Yeah, he's waiting at my apartment. What were you doing? Before we called you over here, what are you doing at the office right now? You blog. I stare at my computer and then try to find something to blog about. And then I'll write the blog and find out someone already wrote about the blog. And then I'll stare at my computer.

And then I'll go on TikTok. And then I'll try the blog and find out someone already wrote about the blog and then i'll stare at my computer and then i'll go on tiktok and then i'll try to like rip someone's video off and then after that doesn't work this honesty is so refreshing really yeah i'll finally get like two three blogs off and then i a hundred grand i can say that hey hey did you want should he say no to it? No, never. No, I've been on his side since the beginning. Since the game. Since day one. No.

Definitely. Do you see it now? I did my investigation. I know Sass makes way more than that now. No. Just not through Barstool. Yeah, I have two full-time jobs. You had to pick up a second job.

I'm fucking driving Uber out here. All right. Have a good weekend. Oh, fuck, yeah, spin it. No wet. There we go. All right. Have a good weekend, everybody.

God bless. That's the Yak. See you Monday. Big cats back. Dump sack responsibly. What a bug. Have a good weekend, everybody. Bye.