The Yak - Miami Isn't Ready for Our Boy Mook | The Yak 2-28-24

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

He's got his Miami jeans on!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak

Hey, Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Go ahead, Brandon. It's the Yak. Brought to you by Roback. Yep, the Q-Zips, code Yak, 20% off. Well, there is also the polos and the hoodies and the joggers and crewnecks. There's vests. There's all kind of stuffgers and crew necks. There's vests. There's all kinds of stuff to wear with rowback.

It's all comfortable. Go to rowback.com. Use code YAK to get 20% off. Again, that's R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com. Rowback.com. Best, the most comfortable hoodies, joggers, Q-Zips in the world. What's up, boys? Hey.

What's up? We're here with Joey Avery. Joey. Welcome, Joey. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Thank you very much for having me. You're a comedian?

He's a married man. Really? I am, yeah. That's man. Is that my credit that I get brought on as? Married man. President married guy. I shook your hand and felt a ring.

Yeah. Cool. I didn't know you were married. You shook his left hand? He reached over with his left hand. We went like this. That's the gayest hand. That was okay.

Hey, I didn't say who I was married to. Yeah, all right. Good point. Comedian, he is headlining tonight at Brandon's show. Oh. So you're going to save it. Wow. Yes.

I'm honestly, I'm here for him. I'm excited to see how he does in his first time on stage. You nervous yet, Brandon? Is it starting to set in? I'm not nervous. How many clothes did you bring to the office today? I thought I told you that in conference. I seen it, Brandon.

How many what? Sets of clothes. I didn't know what to wear. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes.

Clothes. Clothes. C-L-O-Z. You're saying clothes like a door? Yeah, you're saying clothes like a door. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes. C-L-O-Z. You're saying clothes like a door? Yeah, you're saying clothes like a door. Clothes. Clothes. You were saying clothes.

Clothes. Cloths. You brought a change. What were you saying? Clothes. I guess that doesn't sound right. You're saying clothes like a door. That's what you're saying.

Clothes. Clothes. It's like a... Clothes. T-H is barely there. Clothes. I brought... You can't say clothes.

I didn't know what to wear at a stand-up show, so I brought everything in my closet. I brought four or five hoodies, four or five shirts, four or five pairs of pants. But you're not nervous yet. Is that part of it? Have we started the routine? Is this part of it? This is funny as hell. This is funny as fuck.

The opening line. And I brought some accompanying shoes I have four or five pairs of shoes Well Brandon you do have to go on stage four to five times You want me to do that? I think so I could do that I am prepared to do it I'm not nervous because I'm not doing much

I'm going to stand up there and welcome everybody And I'm going to introduce four funny people Do you prepare any jokes? I have one joke You promoted that you had 37 minutes I was lying You're not nervous, but did you prepare any jokes? I have one joke. He's got a banger. I have one joke. You promoted that you had 37 minutes. I was lying. Ah.

Yeah, yeah. And you haven't made time to listen to my 37 minutes. You've been busy. I have been busy. That's why I'm not sitting next to you right now. I reek of chlorine. Oh, yeah. Wet shrinkage out the wazoo.

Smallest a dick's ever been right here. So yesterday. Where were we? What type of water? Me and Kyle and Donnie started filming Rediscovering here in Chicago. And we did the hot tub boat in the river this morning. It was 70 degrees yesterday. Woke up to snow this morning.

20. And the hot tub, one of, it was a tub. One of those words in hot tub was a lie. Oh, no. And I will say it was a tub. One of those words in hot tub was a lie. Oh, no. And I will say it was a tub. It wasn't cold water. It was Luke. That's the worst, though, when you're right on the-

It was colder than body temp. Well, body temp's very hot. How long were you stuck in there for? 30 minutes in the river. And they just give you the boat. In the river? We were told it's a hot tub boat. I thought it was a boat with a hot tub. It's just a hot tub that

floats electronically. They put the smallest little engine. Oh my god, it's so windy out today too. It is so windy. It's a nightmare. We were all numb. Our heads were numb. Was the coldest part of you the part that was in the water or the part that was sticking out of the water? That was out naturally.

And then when you got out and the wind hit you, that had to be shocking. Horrible because you had to walk along the dock just in our skivvies. It is like disgustingly cold out today. Yeah. This feels like the time you would want to get in the hot tub. A hot tub, yeah.

The hot tub was almost getting like cooled down by the air. So it was getting, like, progressively colder. But when it's warm out, the hot tub is hot. Exactly. Which is when you don't want the hot tub. Right. It was the right temperatures, but it was still, the water wasn't hot enough.

And this company went viral because a guy rented it and was fucking a whore in the middle of the river in the hot tub. Oh. Did you guys do that? Yes. No, we had no whore in the middle of the river in the hot tub. Oh. It's on camera, yeah. Did you guys do that? Yes. No, we had no whore. Kate, were you busy? I was at PT. Yeah.

Nice. Did anybody get caught by the tornado last night? I didn't know what was going on. There was a tornado last night. Way north. It was south of me. Yeah. Now that I'm a city mouse, I don know if this is uh misplaced confidence but i do feel like uh

yeah tornadoes don't hit cities and i don't know i don't know where that idea came into my mind but like yeah but like now that i live in a city yeah did you go to your tornado shelter and the previous owner was down there yeah Yeah, he was hanging out. Chilling? I can't stop thinking about that, by the way. I just have so many. Yeah, I got a lot of feedback, a lot of people that know exactly what to do. And this happened to me.

This is a classic case. People related to that? Yeah, I got a couple people that were like, you fucking idiot, you're being scammed. And I was like, explain to me what the scam is. So if I sold my house back for a massive profit i got duped is that what the scam is like yeah so what would i can be would it be somebody posing as your for your the guy yeah i get i don't know the guy he bought his house from which like if i if i sell my house for 20 more than i paid for it i don't care where that money is coming from. I don't care.

You know what I mean? I don't care if this is the actual guy or if this is some sort of prank. If the sale goes through, I'll take the money and run. Well, that's the trick. The sale wouldn't go through, but then how would- Then if the sale doesn't go through, he doesn't- Then he still has his house. He still has his house.

Huh. I don't understand how- Did you make a counter offer? No, I have not. I still am delaying because I'm trying to figure out what I want to. I'm scared he's going to call whatever I say. I'm trying to figure out how much money I would actually take. Double. Yeah, I don't even know the story.

I listened. Yeah. I was perplexed by that. I'm fascinated. So I think there's something that incriminates him in a crime in the basement. Did he sign the letter with his name or the person who used to live here? It was his name. He referenced his wife in the letter.

So he's like, we had a change of plans or something but then he only signed it from him so I don't know yeah I don't know I don't know how long I have to respond either do you know his occupation I don't know how long you have to live do you know his full name we we googled

the name and he's affiliated with a church oh there's a boy in that wall. You gotta go get a black light. There's a boy's ass in that. Is there a boy ass in your wall? There's a boy ass in your crepe.

There's definitely not pussy. A hairless ass. I thought that was just a wall-mounted flashlight. There's boy ass in these walls. Yeah. Yeah, well. I don't know.

I'm going to respond by the end of the week. I just don't know what number to throw out. Double. He's right. Double what he asked for? No, double whatever you need. Double where the hell. Are you responding in pen?

Are you going to write back? Send a raven. Yeah, I should text him and ask for his address and nothing else. And then my response is I write a letter that I drop off. You drive up to him. But you don't know where he lives. That's what I would say. This is unfair.

I would email him. He left his email and number, and he's like, text me or email me or whatever. I have always had that fantasy to do the number slide thing, like on a piece of paper. Oh, that's pretty good, yeah. Slipping the number. I've always wanted a business card. Never had one. Brandon, have you?

Oh, yeah. I've had multiple. Eggshell White, the slickest font. What font would you choose? I'm going Garamond. Classy. That's what I would do. You should make cards. I'm going to haveond Class That's what I would do You should make

You should make cards I'm going to have A business card Yeah I don't know what my job is dude Honest to God You should just write like I've been here a year

Yeah I never know what to say Yeah I put I put content personality I don't know what that means See I don't want to do that I'm not a blogger I don't want that

I'm not a blogger Right That's yeah I don't know what to that. I don't want that. I'm not a blogger, right? Yeah. I don't know what to write. Mook, in your fantasy, when the slide's numbered to you, do you scoff? Do you scoff at the first number every time? I rip it in half. Oh.

I don't even look. No, I want to be floored. I want to look back and be like, that's a lot of zeros. Yeah. But then I want to come back just a slow hand slide. Just take that. You think you'll ever be in that situation? No.

Probably not. That's why it's a fantasy. We could set it up if you'd like. Yeah. Next contract negotiation? Let's go to lunch. We'll go halfsies. No, we'll...

I don't know how to negotiate the price of lunch. We can negotiate how much you pay versus how much I pay. All right. Yeah. We can do that. I negotiate the price of lunch. We can negotiate how much you pay versus how much I pay. All right. Yeah. We can do that. I could just pay for the lunch. That's fine, too. And then we can figure it out.

Good negotiation, Boots. That was awesome. That was great. Slid him a zero. So big. So just one more thing about this show. It's tonight at the Laugh Factory, right? 8 p.m.

8 p.m. It's Mook. It's Chris Bader. It's Nick Teraney. It's Joey Avery. Those are your four comedians that you can come see at the Barstool Chicago Comedy Night, correct? And then live Q&A.

Did I miss somebody? You made a face. No, no. I was thinking. We're doing a live Q&A at the end, correct? Mm-hmm. There you go. Why don't you sweeten the pot, Brandon?

With what? Why don't you give away one of your outfits you wear? Tonight? Yeah. Give it to one lucky. Who am I going to give 2X hoodies to? I don't know man. Give away an outfit. That's an awful lot to ask

of me. I'll think of something to give away but a full outfit. You're talking pants. You're talking socks. Boxers. And your drawers obviously. Don't you want to see the words sold out over your name? You think my clothes are going to do it? Yeah. Yeah.

You guys using a five-year-old headshot didn't help. That was five years ago? At least. It looks like a different guy. Yeah, it does. He looks happy. You think so? He does.

That's a guy who chose the right hoodie. Yeah. He looks confident in his life and what's going on. Joey, are you from New Jersey? No. Why did you guess that? Because my name's Joey. Where are you from? I'm from the

Bay Area. Whoa. That's hard to pinpoint because they don't really have a discernible accent. Yeah, I mean, I'm wearing a Warriors shirt. I guess it's your... I didn't even notice. Slight hint. One of the eight shirts I brought really have a discernible accent yeah i mean i'm wearing a warrior's shirt i guess it's that would have been i didn't even notice slight hit all right yeah one of the eight shirts i brought for the show tonight oh but yeah no i'm from california i do have like a joey's kind of like an italian

sounding name give off yeah and vibe it's all fake none of that's real people whenever i have a clip do well everyone's like oh my god God, it's Joey from Friends. And I'm like, I don't think. I think you just think that clip at all. Your voice seems like Staten Island or something. Okay. Yeah. I'll get people will be like, oh, he's like a mix of Joey and Chandler.

Okay. Speaking of hot tubs. But. Oh. What happened there? That's how Chandler died. Yeah. Oh, really? Very dark. died yeah oh really i put it i don't remember that i was spinning so you do like it increases the effects of you pulled a zen out of your pocket in the hot tub a loose a soggy pouch i can't do can you do zens like for some reason they just

know i'm like the pussy of the zin community. I am the pussy. If they made zin ones... I tried to put dudes onto threes, and now we're... A big zin account was clowning you. I got clowned by the best zin account. By CEO's kidding. I had a guy...

A guy recognized you as the zin pussy. You were at Techland, and this guy was like, you're the zin pussy. That was, like, the Zin pussy That was like The biggest video I've been in In my career As the Zin pussy

This guy clowned me For being a Zin pussy You're the 3 milligram Twink dude Yeah Honestly I'm just glad Our community finally Has a voice

And a figurehead I'm still spearheading it I put 3's in And for I would do a 1 and a half Yeah That's what I'm saying Cause I need to do

I put a timer in When I put a 3 in when I put a three in. Yeah, I still have to take it off. Maybe you're just, nicotine isn't for you, man. It's not. I think it's not. But it's so cool to be like. It is cool.

You're chilling. I wish I could. It makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't do it. Yeah. I tried it for like 11 seconds and I bailed out. I've bought probably 90 packs of cigarettes in my life, and I think I've smoked three. I just love doing it.

I'd probably bum the rest of them from you. You have to be on drugs, I feel like, for nicotine to feel okay. Yeah. Yeah. Brandon, did your dad smoke cigarettes? No, he was clean as far as cigarettes went. It was just heroin and cocaine. That's shocking, because I feel like a cigarette and heroin. Cig just heroin and cocaine. That's shocking because I feel like

a cigarette and heroin. Cigarettes will kill you. That's true. Cigarettes will fucking kill you. He was straight and narrow. We almost died today. In the hot tub. You almost got flattened by a barge. They just give you the boat

and there was a barge. I'd like to see the hot tub boat. How do you steer it? Is there a way to see the hot tub boat? Yeah, can we I know they have an Instagram. I don't know what I know what I picture in my mind what a hot tub. It is a floating hot tub. Well, that's

how they Photoshop a steam in there. Is there steam? I think it's just because the air is so cold. That's a doctor. Or it might be our breath. Is that from today? Yeah. Wow, it looks lovely.

Y'all look cool as fuck. Yeah. Yeah. We're going Blues Brothers theme. Yeah, we kind of do. Yeah, you look fucking awesome. Did they acknowledge? They're like, hey, sorry, the water's not a little warmer?

Or they didn't? We just walked in, got in the boat, and Donnie turned it on and we went. He was like asking us what to do. The guy who worked there. Oh, good. There was something wrong with the boat, and honest to God, what did the guy put on the boat to fix it? Duct tape? Worse.

What? A Band-Aid. I didn't even notice that. Yeah, you said, is that a bandage? He said, yup, you should be good now. I'll be damned. Oh, okay. That looks awesome.

Wait, why did you do this? I missed that. Just for a video series we do where we do stuff in every city. Yeah, and that was the boat that almost hit us. Y'all do seem to find dangerous situations out of non-dangerous activities. You wouldn't think a hot tub boat would be dangerous. I guess maybe it could. I'm looking at it, and it seems pretty dangerous.

It's real low to the water. It's really rocking. Are they fucking? And is that the hot... It's a hot stove attached right there? There's a propane tank. Oh, God. I mean, it's so close to a boat that's already sinking.

Yes, exactly. Full of water. We were thinking that'd be the funniest way to die. Getting a hot tub collision. A two hot tub pileup. No survivors. And you drowned while it was still up. The cold water of the river brought you back.

Yeah. But Joe, are you from like San Francisco? Like an hour south. So Silicon Valley closer to San Jose. So you're out of the mess. You could say that. That's where I grew up. And then I lived in san francisco like

i came up through the san francisco comedy scene more so i live in new york now so oh you live in back in the mess yeah but until a few months ago i've been west coast my whole life so i get like conflicting reports some say it's a beautiful incredible city some say it's the the worst san francisco yeah i think it's overblown how bad it is because a lot of people have a vested interest in making it seem like it's completely unlivable like that happens to chicago and new york as well yeah it's every city people act like it's an impossible place to live and then you live there like this is amazing right that being said the reason that i left is because a meth head squatter was repeatedly breaking into my apartment. Okay.

But that was one thing. Seems like they hit it dead on. Well, everything else was fine. We just had a very specific situation. You said he kept breaking in? It happened several times. Yeah. That's crazy.

He basically, his roommate moved out, and he just stayed and started doing meth, and I think started doing so much that he convinced himself he was the landlord. Oh. So when he broke in, I wasn't there, and I just get a ring notification, and he just walks in, and he demanded the rent money three times and then left. Oh, that's. So it was a powerful move. Your dad used to do

that all the time into your bedroom that's how i became my dad he just announced he was my dad one day actually a black guy did he look yeah did your dad look like you no not well in some ways some ways he had uh he had i have the same ears same ears you're just dad was just a big-eared man. He was a big-eared man. All the Walkers are big-eared men. He was only like 6'1", and then I came out 6'5". Only 6'1", Kyle. He was only 6'1". Well, compared to me, not compared to any.

And then my mom's only 5'3", so there are some weird things there. She was probably on drugs, too. How tall is your milkman? We didn't have a milkman we just went straight to the cow I'll tell us the cow the cow was about 6'4 and a half the cow was your exact height

the cow had big ears too yeah udders yeah we have to change in the new year we have to be realistic with ourselves in our biology and we have to go down to three milligrass only people that are allowed to rip three milli vanilla gum pillies are people that are in nursing homes i'm just kidding new york times chill the fuck out you little pigeons if anything

i was thinking we go to 12 millies two sixers akimbo and then the community rally behind this man to hate kyle millie vanillies i'm gonna need one pillow for every fucking tooth to feel anything martha stewie throws in three millie vanillies and that's totally fine, but I'm not going to be tossing in three guys. Also, side note, peep the fucking Beanie Vert on my dome. Might have a hydro flask under there. Shout out the baby Robin Febbies coming in, too. This guy's awesome and not annoying at all. No, that's what I thought.

I thought he sucked ass and I want to fight him. Fuck it all. Him and Billy Football had beef. Him and Billy Football had beef? Yeah, because Billy Football designed a PMT shirt that looked like a Zin can, and this guy was like, that's my thing. Is he even affiliated with Zin? Ripping off Zin cans. Zin's thing.

You can't rip off the guy who ripped off Zin. That's too many rip-offs. I think Kyle's a certified pigeon. Yeah, he is a pigeon. Would Zin's be this popular if it wasn't for Canadian people? I feel like all of the Zin culture... I think he's cosplaying as a hawk.

He's cosplaying. I do think it's fake Canadian, but there's still, you know, it's what it all is. Hot European women love Zins, too. Yeah? It's a whole genre

on my TikTok. They're like out partying and they're putting Zins in. Was Zin a slow burn? I feel like it happened over and over. Yeah, I'm constantly reminded that I have no friends and I'm just

out of the loop on everything. I feel like one day everybody just was doing Zin. All of a sudden everybody was on Zin and I never heard about it. Everybody does it. We were in early because of Gino. Yes. He put me on. Nico and Gino. It was like a cool mouth thing. Yeah, he was on. A cool mouth

thing. Yeah. Was that Nico's brother? That could be their t-shirt. He put a pouch in his lip, and I was like, oh, okay. What is that? We haven't seen them boys in a long time. Yeah. They were almost regular at one point. They came in like two or three times. Yeah.

Good guys. Great guys. Nico and Gino. You want to do the High Noon ad before we go any further? You have one? Yeah, I do. Today's episode is brought to you the High Noon ad before we go any further you have one yeah I do today's episode is brought to you by High Noon the High Noon El Prez pack is here featuring the top four High Noon vodka seltzer flavors

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Visit highnoonspirits.com to find an El Prez pack nearest you. Brandon, you going to get a little loose before the show, a little drink? No. You're going in dry. That would terrify me. That would make it much, much, much worse. Really? Yeah.

So I'm just keeping it low profile. I'm going to do my one joke. I'm going to introduce you guys in succession and then we'll do a Q&A at the end. You're going to get a lot of Q's. I'll have a lot of A's. You're going to have a lot of A's? This is the exact way you deal with being nervous before a set is just keep minimizing it.

He just keeps being like, we're not really doing anything tonight, are we? I'm just saying a few names. Yeah, yeah, it's so true. Picking one of my eight hoodies and we're going to have a tonight, are we? I'm just saying a few names. Yeah, yeah, it's so true. Picking one of my eight hoodies, and we're going to have a nice, calm evening. I will not have a sip. That would ruin me. You're testing out brand new material, Brandon. It's one joke.

It's one joke, and I might, I have a couple backups, but I got one joke. Wait, why do you have backups? Why don't you just say all of them? We'll see. We'll see. You haven't vetted the other ones. We have to find out if they're too right you're a funny guy and if it goes well you could come open for me in batavia this weekend Close. It's like an hour away. Comedy Vault, Batavia, they're all weekend. That's a good comedy town.

Yeah, it's big. It's a hotbed. Yeah, it's like the Sheboygan of 2024. I get that. Can we look up things to do in Batavia, TJ? Let's get you a reservation. TripAdvisor, Top 10 Things to Do. Well, there's a comedy club. It sounds medieval. Oh, it's super close. Oh, yeah. It's right there. That. TripAdvisor top 10. Well, there's a comedy club. It sounds medieval. Oh, it's super close.

Oh, yeah. It's right there. That's only like two hours away. Oh. I think they refund my Uber. Is that a little- Funway. Funway.

Oh. Get a hot tub. What's the Google rating for Batavia High School? I love reading high school. Oh, me too. Google. Fuck this place. Oh. It's Kyle and KB. What. Oh, me too. Fuck this place. Oh.

That's Kyle and KB. What? Oh, wow. That's the same person. This is going to be a real fun weekend. I could go. Don't let Donnie see this. Was that ice or roller skating?

It's a nice park. Everything looks good on a map I uh rented a bowling lane Friday yeah one lane for two hours

I feel like that's a good amount of time how much money do you think that is one lane for two what time did you go wait wait it's for Friday when you say rent how is that different

you have to it's reserving you have to reserve a lane I'm gonna say that cost you one lane two hours reserve a lane. I'm going to say that costs you... One lane, two hours, nine o'clock. I'm going to say... Oh, right, prime time. I'm going to say that costs you $75. $160.

Holy shit. What type of alley is it? Like a themed one? You get to keep the shoes? No. I've never heard anybody describe it as renting an alley either. That's what you had to do. But that's what you do every time you go to the bowling alley and pay $10.

You rent the alley. Does that include shoes and stuff? I'd hope. I don't know. Do you get a drink with that? No, it's Friday. Oh, it's this Friday. I thought you meant it was last Friday.

Oh. For just you and, but it can be you and 10 people. No, more people would be more. Up to six. This is just a deposit situation. They're not going to charge you the full one. It's already been taken. I don't know. Damn is just a deposit situation. They're not going to charge you the full one. It's already been taken.

I don't know. Damn. Knock my socks off. Huh. I mean, you're going to one of those trendy bowling alleys. Yeah, you are. There's got to be something. They've got to have an arcade in there. You've got unlimited.

That's trendy? An arcade. You know what I mean? A lot of lights. There's a pop-a-shot. Yeah. A ball machine. One of those places called Lucky Strike or some shit. You know what I mean? A lot of lights. There's a pop-a-shot in the ball machine.

One of those places called Lucky Strike or some shit. So Friday night's your big bowling night this week. Bowling, I say it all the time, but bowling is the one activity every time I do it I say I should do this more often. I fucking loved the last two hours of bowling and then I won't do it again for three years. I'm the opposite. When I'm excited to get there I like the smells. I getting a little outfit the shoes and whatnot uh the corn yeah what's going on what's going on the corn the popped corn uh and then as soon as i start bowling i suck dick yeah embarrass myself you have to stop bowling to do it i just want to break no okay no no and uh just try to break 100.

Are you bringing the partner? Yeah. Are you afraid you're going to lose to the partner? No. You guys are so set on these masculine roles in relationships. Be like me and Titus's gay ass. Yes. Yeah.

I found your barber. Somebody ratted you out for seeing you there. No shit. Saw him there. Well now I can't ever go back there. I don't want anybody seeing me get my haircut. That's a terrible spot to get spotted, dude.

I got my haircut next to Urban Meyer in Columbus. Especially when it's not fully done and they're combing your bangs in your face so they can cut it off. Laying it forward. And then someone walks in and they see you looking like that. Oh, that's Mark Titus. I can't wait to tell Nick about it. His hair's laid forward. The vulnerability of telling the barber or stylist what you want

is like the same as someone watching you wipe your butt. I never sounded confident saying that. And it's horrible showing them a photo of a much hotter man. Yeah, you can't make me look like this. Yeah, okay. The way to do it is to do that, but you can't do that. I refuse to show a pic. You know how Harry Styles did it?

I was hoping maybe you could do that for me. You can't do that. I had a gay hairstylist in Philly. That's contradictory. He was like, I'm going to make you look like a young Leo. I was like, no, you're not. Don't lie to me. What do you say?

You're going to dye it? I say, just give me a trim around the ears. I've just gotten to the point of but I feel like an egomaniac. I show a picture of myself. I had my last one write out instructions for the

next one. Wow. I texted her and said will you give me detailed instructions to tell her. That's a mature breakup. Yeah. But she also said next next time, fly me to Chicago. I literally say, just what it looks like now, just make it a little shorter. And that makes so much sense in my head. And I've yet to find a barber that's like, I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm like, you see how I style it?

Do it this way. Just everything's a little bit shorter. That's all I want. And they're like, hmm. Do you have a picture of a celebrity i hate when it looks like shit and it feels like the haircut's about to come to a close yeah well or when you you preemptively say uh or you preemptively have concerns and you say it too early and you realize she's not even near completion well i take my glasses off because you have to yeah and uh i can't see myself until it's over so it's a surprise

to you is it yep oh the last guy got cut by wouldn't let me look in the mirror what until the end he like faced me the opposite direction and i was just bugging out the whole time is that a power move or a weak move that's somebody who's not confident by the barber by me by the barber he wouldn't even let you look at it look at yourself i think it's a power move because he's like i'm'm going to carry this. I'm in control of this. I'm going to take care of this. Yeah.

Y'all want to hold up the St. Patrick's Day merch? Oh, yeah. For the Barstool store? I love the Kiss Me, I'm Frank. Yep. It's the perfect little Frank cartoon. It's amazing. I can hear it.

Oh, is today the day the walk comes out? It is. It's four o'clock, I think. Four o'clock. Four o'clock Eastern, I believe. What are those dudes doing? Keg stands. Keg stands.

What? What kind of task? What, Brandon? Are you serious, Brandon? We're going to have to, you just. Yeah, we're going to have to do a keg stand. We're going to have to get a keg in here. I thought they were doing gymnastics of some sort.

I don't know. I don't do keg stands. Not yet. I'm 6'5", 280. You're going to hold me up? I don't, I've never done a keg stand. Are you the same dimensions as Newton? Newton's a little taller than me.

He's like 6'6". He's listed at 6'6". But I'm a pretty – I'm like a C-tier NFL defensive end. 6'5". Yeah, find out who your exact match is. Nick's a point guard. I'm exactly Steph Curry. I think I might be Montez Sweat.

That's not C-tier. Okay. I might be Preston Smith. Okay. People are like now like releasing PSAs on like don't bully Cam Newton. Well, he just got into a fight. Yeah. And he just whipped their ass.

Right. What was the cause of that? I don't know. People bullying Cam Newton? Yeah. He dressed like a wizard. Yeah. Better be just whipped their ass. Right. What was the cause of that? I don't know. People bullying Cam Newton? Yeah, he dressed like a wizard. Better be able to cast spells. 6'5", 265, who am I? Who is he?

Yeah, Preston Smith was right. I'm Preston Smith, just about. Except I'm bigger. I'm Rashawn Gary. Yeah, you both say the N-word, too. You don't know if Preston does. It's true. You got me there.

Both live in Wisconsin. I get to say slurs tonight, yeah. They don't take phones. I get to say slurs tonight? Sure. Yeah, free range. If you're trying to go viral. Good point.

Honestly, it's kind of a good career move here. Yeah. It really is. I just have a couple watches. They're trying to cancel me. Start playing poker. Comedy is edgy by nature. Sometimes you take some swings. You don't always hit. We used to joke in this country.

Yeah. It's not your fault if the crowd's not ready for you. I'm sorry you're triggered. Yeah. That is a great move. Do comedy once and just become a full-on canceled culture yeah yeah can we film your one joke and release it as a special and call the special triggered

yeah dude i see the headlines already yeah This man was canceled in his comedy debut. So Titus' idea was to go out there and tell the crowd, hey, guys, I will say one slur tonight, and you'll get your clip, you'll get whatever you want, but then I have to take suggestions. Hey, I'll take requests. It's like you're promising them like they want to hear it. Yeah. I'll take requests, and as soon as they say it out loud,

I'll be like, that's fucked up. Yeah. That's not a bad idea And if that doesn't work just do the Dune two chicks at the same time joke What you're doing two chicks at the same time joke I'm excited for Dune 2 Dune two chicks at the same time Let's do that one

That would work That's fucking good So now I have two jokes Yeah two chicks at the same time. Let's do that one. That would work. That's fucking good. So now I have two jokes. Yeah. And you haven't said the first one anywhere, have you? Yeah, we worked through it on Mostly Sports, but nobody watched it, so it's fine.

How do you know nobody watched it? I mean, they watch it, but I think it's fine. Is it? Yeah. It's a good joke. Sure, but wait to tell it. That's how it's generally done, but you're forging your own path here. Yeah. It's a good joke. Sure, but wait to tell it. That's how it's generally done, but you're forging your own path here. Will you stand on stage tonight and tell any joke that you've already told before? I will, yes.

But not on Mostly Sports. He hasn't said it on Mostly Sports. I didn't know you were going to be here or I would have invited you to Mostly Sports. Yeah. So not really my fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're ever here in the office you can come on my show mostly sports and we can just kick it great and we'll workshop our jokes about

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Void in Ontario. One no-sweat bet per new customer. Issued as one bonus bet equal to amount of initial losing bet and expires 168 hours after issuance. See dkng.com slash promos for deposit, wagering, and eligibility restrictions, terms, and responsible gaming resources. I'm ashamed in five of you. All right.

You haven't even. I'm very fine with that. Don't worry. Cool, cool, cool, cool. You haven't even commented on my jeans. I'm wearing jeans today. Do you never wear jeans? You never wear jeans?

I don't know. You always wear joggers or black sweatpants? I got to be honest. I didn't even know you were here. I thought you wore jeans every single time. That's a new thing? You're wearing shoes too. I'm wearing a sweatshirt.

I like the shoes. You always wear a sweatshirt. Yeah, I do. I never wear jeans. I'm going to Miami tomorrow. I gotta try them out. Break them in. Is it Miami jeans? He said I had to go shopping for Miami. I got these jeans. Go to Miami tomorrow. I gotta try them out. Break them in. Go to Miami. He said I had to go shopping for Miami. I got these jeans. And I was like, I don't think that's it.

I don't think that's the Miami look. That's Miami mook. This is Miami mook. Oh my god. I was waiting all day. Look at those dark wash jeans. You look like the cross countrycountry kid on Dress Down.

Yeah, that's going to kill it at club space. I'm going to 11 in this fit. But, yeah, I went shopping yesterday. I came away with a pair of Levi's jeans. I came away with three black T-shirts and one white t-shirt, plain. You got a Steve Jobs fit. Yeah. And I have two Miami shirts

that I'm going to debut in Miami. They actually say Miami. Yeah, is that it? Or are they like button up Hawaiian? I got a Hawaiian, one short sleeve. Ah, there you go. And then one long sleeve that's like multi-colored. Nice. It's out there.

Shopping for jeans is exhausting. Miserable. That's like going to the barber. It's worse. You've got to try them on. You just find one pair and then you buy the same pair over and over. Why don't you stand up and give us a twirl? Yeah, give us a little.

Oh, am I here now? Do like our little runway walk. I love that Mook was ashamed with us and we were like, yeah, we don't care. They're a good fit. Wait, what's the tea? Wait, you're not walking like you're in Miami. Yeah, what's your Miami walk? Yeah, wipe your nose off.

Are you going to do coke? Yeah. Okay. You're not moving your arms when you walk? Oh, dude, Did you forget how? Yeah. This is, I don't like. A little salsa music, you know.

The jeans look good. Thank you. I've been preparing for it. I was talking to, I was talking to Sass last week on Warzone. I was like, hey, like I've been working out and dieting because I'm not going to fit in in Miami. And he's like, I don't think you're going to fit in with working out. I think you need surgery to fit in in Miami. Get he's like, I don't think you're going to fit in with working out. I think you need surgery to fit in in Miami.

Get a BBL. Yeah. Do still cuff in their jeans. Is that a thing? I don't think so. Oh yeah. Do you want to? I don't know either.

You want to bring it back? I never had. No, I don't. People cuff your jeans. Mook, cuff your jeans and let's see how. And I never understood why you do that.

In my mind, you're kind of announcing to the world that you're short. Mook, how are you? That's a real timid cuff. Mook, give it a bigger cuff. Give it a bigger cuff. Give us like a four, five inch cuff. That's a shy man's cuff.

Oh, yeah. Yep. We could bring this back, boys. I think it is. I don't know. I know like five years ago it was still in. Come to my table. We got bottles.

Yeah, that's what we got. We got bottles. Are you going's what we got. We got bottles. Are you going to flirt down there? Yeah. My plan is to get blacked out because I'm going to be uncomfortable the entire time. Is that always your plan? Majority of the time, yeah, especially with Nick around. That's a drop of the bucket kind of thing.

Do I have a problem? Yes. We both do, but. It's the nature of the job. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. yeah damn so you're going for a bachelor party yeah what are the plans are you guys doing we have like dinner scheduled thursday night uh we have like an airbnb so we're doing like the pool friday you guys are just getting straight fucked up the whole time yeah yeah and then dinner and then a club. Then I fly out at like 7am on Sunday

which is going to be a problem. Do you have a way to get into the club? Yeah, we already got the table and everything. Are you going to go stay up for the 7am flight? I think so. That'll be a scene. A marathon. Him at the airport in those

Miami jeans. People are going to smell the Miami on him. Dude, you do not fit in Chicago right now with those jeans. Yeah, people are going to be so jealous. When you go to O'Hare to fly out, you're just going to be walking to the airport, everyone's going to be like, fuck that guy. Dude, he's about to go to Miami. God damn it.

I'm flying to Omaha and he's going to Miami? Nothing screams Miami like a pair of Levi's. Like a nice pair of raw denim. It's my Miami jeans. Did you check the club's dress code? No. No way jeans are on there. There's no way.

Wait, what? You're not going to wear jeans? No. What the fuck can I wear? Like white linen. You bought jeans to go to Miami. You need jeans. So you had no jeans?

No jeans. Just khakis. What was the name of the club? Eleven. You're going to Eleven? Yeah. Can we look up Eleven's dress code? Oh, this is gonna be something.

You should get a full, like, not a leisure suit, but like a, like linen? Get a leisure suit. Get a leisure suit. I don't know what's cool either. I don't know. I was just in like Macy's out of breath, just bringing like six pairs of jeans to the dressing room.

And it was, I was sweaty trying them on. Did you use a coupon? No, I used my mom's Macy's card. Respect. Huge. Huge. And then, yeah, these fit, and these are my Miami jeans. What about a chain?

Can we get you a chain? Do you have any necklaces? I would love a chain. Okay, wait. Upscale and stylish. All right, good. Baseball caps, flip-flops, or sports jerseys. Okay, you can wear jeans.

You're fine. Wait, if you want to look at... Does it say Levi's required? Wait. If you ever need some hints on what to wear, then just browse through our gallery. Can we do that? Can we browse through the gallery? Right there, yeah.

Is this like a strip club? Oh, that's almost like jeans. Hummin' a hummin' a hummin'. Is that CeeLo Green? I think it is. Yes. That's almost like jeans. Is that CeeLo Green? I think it is. Yeah, it is. That's their style guide. All right.

This is their gallery? That's just pictures of CeeLo. Oh, okay. Here we go. I'm going to fit in. Perfectly. Yeah. Yes.

If Mook is in one of these promo images. Oh, I want to be up there. I'm sure with those jeans. Love and life. Yeah. Shout out to Jake's. Oh, Mook. You're fine, Mook.

Yeah, this weekend is going to break me financially as well. I spent 500 bucks on jeans, t-shirts and two button downs I think you got ripped off man that's so much money where did you shop? all Macy's? I walked from here to the Patagonia store okay

nothing says Miami you're the dumbest dude in the world Miami staple. Wait, wait, wait. I was in Patagonia. You went to Patagonia? What were you doing there? So I was looking for...

You're looking for jeans? I was looking for pants. Just any type of pant. And they had pants. At Patagonia. Yeah. That's... I was like, I'll get a button down there too.

Like, I'll be fine. Like, one-stop shop. I can walk there. He went to L.L. Bean for his shoes. I went to Patagonia, tried on their only jeans. None of them fit. Took a shit in their bathroom. And then Ubered to Macy's.

And then just did laps around Macy's for like 45 minutes. And you spent $500 in Macy's. No, I spent $350 in Macy's. No, I spent $350 in Macy's, and then I went to Uniqlo across the street and just got plain black t-shirts and a white shirt and dropped another $100, $150 there. Yeah, I can't wait for the action shots. It's going to be bad.

So what does your closet currently look like? Because I feel like jeans, plain shirts, a couple button downs would generally already exist. But it doesn't sound like it. Yeah, it sucks that you spent $500 on that stuff and you can never wear it again. Yeah. Going to Miami this one time. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb here. Is that dude wearing Patagonia?

It's 30 degrees out. Currently, it's just all like Graphic tees It's free stuff Free shit sweatshirts A lot of joggers Yeah that's it No jeans Are those going to be date pants as well

These are my formal pants now These are my formal pants now. These are my big boy pants. All right. Yeah. Sorry we didn't notice, man. I'm ashamed. They look great.

They do look great. Thank you. When you were in the dressing room and you found out those were the pair, were you excited? Were you like, fuck yes? I was more relieved that I could get the fuck out of Macy's. Okay. Yeah.

But I look good. You. But I look good. You do. I look good. I feel bad because you look so tropical right now. None of the rest of us really do. What are your shoes that you're going to wear down there? Newbies. Newbies, yeah.

I was thinking about getting a pair of shoes. Like hiking boots from Patagonia or something. Then I was like, I'm never going to wear them again. I have those white Air Forces. Wear the white Air Forces. Should I wear Air Forces? Yes. Yeah, no, that works.

Those would be better. Why don't you, yeah, bring that stuff. Should I bring that stuff? Yeah. We do have the unreleased put-on stuff. Yeah. That I could wear. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I'll do that i'm i'm gonna pack like eight pairs of eight different outfits for two and a half days there's unreleased anus merch floating around not anus merch uh videos we've done okay yeah just uh they took me clothes shopping and then we never filmed part two of me getting a haircut part one's great part one is great is it is that just we're just gonna keep that yeah i think we sit on stuff yeah maybe it's good it's good and we're shopping network is coming out we're just taking our time with it as well making it doesn't be monkey boy but no no oh yeah monkey is that doomed to history i don't know we're not getting that i don't know we're workhorses. We get off on just doing it and not putting it out.

I hate putting it out, love doing it. I'm sure the company loves that. Just real behind-the-scenes guys. They're just getting reps. We're getting reps, and when the time is right. You've got to stay sharp. Yeah. We could put out part one. When the time is right. You gotta stay sharp. We could put out part one. Yeah, I guess we could. We'll see.

How long ago did you do it? Summer. Yeah, I remember you talking about this. September. I'm a thick coat. We took him to a cool urban... We took him to a real, real urban spa. I remember that too. Yeah. And Mook did some embarrassing

ass shit. Yeah, I was laughing like crazy. It's a good video. Whatever they bought you for that probably would work for Miami perfectly. They bought me snow pants. No. They're like these. Parachute pants.

Yeah. There is one tropical shirt in there. I don't know if that's miami though it might be more like chicago what as opposed to how is there a tropical chicago shirt on the river dude you were guys wearing a hot tub this i can't explain how cold i was you know i i think i get it it was not only shockingly cold this morning but the wind was the wind was so bad unbelievable so bad it would almost seem dangerous to get in a hot tub boat on a windy day like today

yeah that that i'll call it now someone is gonna go down in one of those in that river yeah absolutely sounds like the horror did we'll read about yeah good point how did you know that she was she an actual prostitute we asked he asked we know there was like footage of someone having sex right on one of those and we asked the guy and he all but said it was uh wow we were like this guy rented the boat and then he went out and fucked his girlfriend he was like not the only thing he rented oh slick yeah i like that that's cool i think it was our boat because there's one wait so one of the main attractions in chicago is to take a boat out on the river no i think this is a very new it's not me no no no i'm saying but you guys did it

your first time in a hot tub in 30 degree weather. Yeah. Okay. It's 20, I think, today. Yeah, I rented some pussy this weekend. Yeah. It's good. Did you? Just a quick little rental.

Forgot to return it. Oh, shit. The fees. I'm going to rewind. Rewind the pussy. Where'd you get it from? Boxbuster? Is that vaginal rejuvenation.

What else? Are you coming tonight? Yeah, I'll be there. Kate, you're an old mother. Mincy, I think, is going to come. Yeah, so you want to come up on stage and help me? Yeah. You could.

Do like a two-man act? Sure. I mean, I usually... My act is more of like a one man thing but like we could i'm trying to think of how we could but what do you do during your act you can work through some of it right now if you'd like uh yeah i don't know i don't know how i would incorporate you but i'll yeah we could do it we could figure it out fair enough maybe you just watch him maybe i just watch him yeah stand to the side of the stage oh maybe he replaces me but you're up there you're just not you could be changing into other outfits while he right goes i really don't

know what i'm gonna do about the outfits i i think you go vest. My wife did say, what are you doing this morning? Because I couldn't carry my... Wait a minute. You haven't told her. I haven't. What? No, I haven't told her. No, she found out live. No, I haven't told her. She doesn't... You didn't tell her you're hosting a comedy show? No, I said I'll be late tonight.

Oh, she's going to be. You're cheating. She knows I'm not doing that. You're taking five different outfits and saying i'll be home late tonight she said no she said what are you doing do you need help i said no i got it i'll be late tonight and i left fuck am i cheating no i just that's beautiful i just i just carry i carried it a lot of it and then uh i kept dropping because i had the shoes on top, and I kept dropping shoes. Every time I'd drop a shoe, I'd call a different kid, and then we had a line just us going out to the car. Oh, your kids might think you're never coming back.

No, Tommy knows the drill. I bring multiple changes of clothes a lot. I never know what's going to happen here so i always got three or four pair of pants three or four pair of shoes and you're at the age where you get the p-spot i was so worried the other day when we did the when we did the bench press yeah i was wearing black shorts there was a p-spot on those and the did it come out as you were benching no i knew as i was about to sit down i I looked down and I could feel I had a little, probably about a three inch across P spot. That's big.

You might want to get checked. And then, you know, the camera was facing right to the dick. But the black shorts took care of me. You didn't see it. But you were wearing boxers. So you could see like the bottom fold of your ass cheek. Could you? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. I did. I didn't know that. Yeah, your dick end balls were out. That's fine. As long as you didn't see that I had peed myself a little. We talk about this every once in a while, but as I age, I lose control of my urethra. Yeah.

Every piss session is like a bingo stamp size stain. Yeah. It'll trick you. You think it's done, and then it'll just decide on its own. No, I've got more. Apparently, a lot of that's stored in the balls. So you're supposed to shake your balls in addition to just the head. Oh, shake your balls?

Try that. A lot of it's stored in there. So you're shaking your dick, but you're not actually getting it. Are you trolling us? I mean, it looks insane. Shake them with your hand or just like side to side or what? I go with the hand. I mean, it looks crazy. Just them with your hand or just like side to side or what? I go with the hand. I mean, it looks crazy.

Just shake your balls when you pee. It might actually be a crime when I do that in public. Yeah. But it has helped with the peeing all over my face. I thought you were supposed to knead the gooch. Well, I would. I think that'll do. Knead it like you're putting dough together?

Yeah, knead the gooch. I need the gooch. Knead the gooch. How do you knead a gooch? Just like you knead it. I know the verb. You kind of knuckle it. Knuckle the gooch. How do you need a gooch? It's like you need anything. I know the verb, but... You kind of knuckle it. Knuckle the gooch.

K the G. Can you get the knuckle all the way... What? What's the gooch? I don't know if I... The gooch is hard to knuckle. The asshole of the balls. The gooch is the taint.

The taint. Yeah, it's the taint. I trust Joey, though, because he's wearing risky pants. And I've peed in these a lot of times. Oh, those are risky pants. Yeah. Those are risky. those are risky that i've had long pisses shaken put away and had a longer piss in my pants oh dude it's tough i had a piss i had to piss so bad the other day we did the thing and then i was

getting a headache so what i do when i get a headache i try to drown it out i try to hydrate myself and i took two of the big body armors and i killed him yeah and i got in the car and i drove home and by the time i got home i had to pee so bad that when i stood up out of the jeep i doubled over immediately in pain i couldn't oh and i i had to crawl around to the side of the house and I peed in the side. Took an outdoor piss. First of all, I take outdoor pisses all the time. And I do not have a neighborhood that

you should be taking outdoor pisses in. There's an Instagram account called Scenic Pisses. It's just the world's most beautiful peas. I will never not piss outside ever in my life. Don't you see that? It's one of my favorite things to do. But if I piss outside too much, I'll dream of pissing outside and piss the bed. Really?

Dreaming is dangerous. I've had dreams like that, where I'm in the ocean and God starts telling me, it's okay. Oh, that's a beautiful piss. Yeah, it's just this constantly. It's really lovely. Wait, that's awesome. Well, that's a... There's the piss.

Oh, that's the piss. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, look at that. A volcano. That's a good one. Nice. I'm following scenic pisses. I'm's the piss. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, look at that. A volcano. Scenic pisses. I'm following this account. It makes you want to invent.

I thought that was a nuclear explosion. That guy should get out of there. It's a scene from Oppenheimer. I don't know about peeing on the snow, though. Brandon. That's amazing. What, are you going to just not do it all winter? I don't know.

This account rules. Oh, that guy only got a six out of ten. Oh, that's a dehydrated man. Wait, people are raiding the piss. Powerful streams. Ro needs to hydrate. Question, is this the same man every time, or is this different people? Different people.

Send it in. Different people. Horrible hydration. A guy peed skydiving, which is quite something. That seems illegal. I want to try to get on this account. This makes me want to be a guy. Yeah.

All right, 100 bucks to the first person that gets on Scenic Pisses. Deal. Yeah, that's our new challenge. I go to Rome in April. I'm going to the Coliseum. You could piss in Miami. I'm going to piss in Miami, 100%. All these are high up.

There's no low pisses. Yeah, right? Altitude doesn't make a piss. Yeah. It doesn't hurt. It's hard to be grandiose at sea level. Ites. Yeah, right. Altitude doesn't make a piss. Yeah. It doesn't hurt. It's hard to be grandiose at sea level. It is. It really is.

If you're on your back in a canyon and you tilt a little bit and you catch a Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Yeah, there it is. Best piss I've ever seen. That's the best one. I don't know if he's peeing. I think he might be holding something.

Is that how it works? That's a piss. Yeah. It's coming from the side, though. How is it such a perfect screen? What's he pissing on? A roof? An electric tower.

I could look at this all day. I know. This rocks. It hit me. I was like, oh, what an hour. This is going under every new line. This is me realizing the algorithm gets me. Yeah. That one's lovely. Yeah. I think This is going under every new line. This would be realizing the algorithm gets me. Yeah.

That one's lovely. Yeah. I think waterfall is kind of a cheat code. Makes you want to be. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa.

Whoa. What do we got here? I'm not going to lie now. I got to piss real bad. I do too. I'm sorry. Is that a pyramid? That sure is.

No, I think that's a mountain, isn't it? That's a triangle. A volcano? Memphis Bass. The Memphis Bass Pro Shop. That was. Come on. I like the reveal.

Very yellow. Oh, yeah. Come on. Oh, yeah. Oh, his buddy. This is a zoo? It'd be so much pressure if you're trying to get a scenic piss, but you didn't have a piss in you to put out. Yeah, you accidentally shit your pants.

Scenic shits would be way better. Scenic shits. This is scenic, and then the guy like... I wonder if a girl has gotten on this account. Oh, you haven't seen scenic periods? It's a slow burn. Today we have something truly special for all the renters and landlords out there paying rent. It's something we all have to do, and let's be honest, it can sometimes be a bit of a hassle.

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we've got an exclusive deal go to rent.app slash barstool to get $50 cash back on your first rent payment. And if you're a landlord, go to rent.app slash landlord to get paid on time without hassle. Alright, we're just going through the other ones. I would keep looking at some of this, to be honest. I'm being told that our guest may know a Barstool employee from

childhood. Will Sparks texted me and said that he played Little League with Joey. Will Sparks! Holy shit! Most talented guy in the office. Give us a fun fact about our guest that we can surprise him with when he comes back. What was the name of the team? Yeah, we'll weave it in.

Text the anchor of the name of the team. Brandon, this is boring, but uh entered the headache game for the first time oh man welcome to the club that's not boring huge mistake why would you that is so you're just getting into headaches huh they're exertion headaches every time i exert myself or or strain in any way like now i can't do a cold shower without getting a pounding headache that's what i can't do a squat pull up and this pounding headache. I can't do a squat, pull-ups.

And this just came out of nowhere? This is like going on a week now every day. I wonder if something went wrong somewhere. Kind of. Mine are all exertion. Exertion, light, or heat are three things that can trigger all of mine. And that's pretty much everything. It's everything that happens every day.

Yeah, I don't get it. Are they debilitating? Yes. Ooh. Pounding, throbbing. Vomiting? No, not like that. Oh, okay.

Well, that's... Have you gone to a doctor, Brandon? Have you really, really looked into it? Brandon's a diabetic. I'm not. All there is to it. I'm not diabetic. I've had this since I was four years old.

Yeah, you might. I've had it looked at, but they've never... They've given me like Imatrix for migraines and everything. I sent you Botox. People get Botox, they say. It's super helpful. I don't know why. You all Botoxed up would be hilarious.

It'll shut down my vision. You've been getting migraines since you were four. Yeah, my whole life. Is a headache your first memory? I don't know because I remember my four-year-old birthday party. I had a Superman and a Batman cake. You had two cakes? I had two cakes.

It was the only time I ever had a big party. I went to a daycare that had two classes, and we invited both classes. So it was a big deal. Banger. And then I lived out by the airstrip at that point. That's where all the wealthy kids grow up. A plane landed during the party, and the people thought I was the coolest kid ever. Yeah, that is cool.

We got to see a plane land. That's huge. Yeah, and it was the old style Batman, too. It was before Batman became just the black suit and all that. It was the gray and the blue and all that. So it's good that. Good cakes. I also had an E.T. popper, E.T. thing

that stood up and I could box with it. What's your dad get you? A bunch of catalytic converters and copper wire? He wasn't there. He was out doing drugs. Damn. Sorry to ruin it. It's always super real and like dark and i'm glad that you can make light of it yeah well i mean he never really hurt anybody except for that guy he shot did he shoot a guy yeah he didn't really shoot did he shoot him dead

no he shot him in the leg and he didn't really't really shoot him. He took his gun to his drug dealer so the drug dealer could shoot him. So, anyway, what's been going on? P. Diddy. What is the story here? Some parties or something? Males are coming out that they were assaulted. Yeah, isn't he a pedo?

Is that what the P stands for? Is everybody a pedo eventually? You should have known the whole time. P. Diddy. Diddy, short for Diddly I'm going to answer your question right now No, I don't think everybody is Everybody doesn't turn into a pedo? No, I don't think so

I think it's been a trendy thing I can only speak for myself I won't The percentage of celebrities that end up in a pedo situation is pretty shocking There's a lot of regular people who are too. I think it's

just so shocking that we think about it because there are a lot of celebrities that have not. Yeah. A good majority. A lot of good ones. Yeah. But what did pedo diddy do? It's one of those stories that I've seen,

but I've never clicked on any of the articles. It seems like it's getting increasingly heinous, what he's done. Like, it's bad. Yeah. That's the aura I'm getting. The extent that I know of it is I saw, like, I didn't even see an article.

I just saw, like, an Instagram post that said something bad, and then the first comment was like, guess he didn't pay his Illuminati bill this month. And I was like, either one of these could be true. I have not looked into it. I just remember a lot of pedos hanging around back in the day, the Saratoga Little League. What?

Was that a pedo spot? Yeah, it was a huge pedo spot. What's crazy is I, in California, but I grew up playing in a Saratoga Little League. Whoa. What the fuck? That's going to freak me out right now. I'm a little weirded out by that.

Hold on. How do you know Saratoga Little League? How do you know Saratoga? That's known for being the big spot. We bring it up a lot. Which Saratoga? Saratoga Little League. That's like a meme almost.

I don't even know where. I have no idea. You played in that? You played in that? We bring it up a lot. Wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about the one in California? Yes.

What? That's like where the celebrities get the cake. You played in that? What? Yeah. Wait, are you guys? Are you fucking with us? Are you fucking with us?

We've done Saratoga Little League things in the past bits, but it's true. I have photos. I have Saratoga Little League jackets. I was an all-star. You didn't see the show three days ago? You were an all-star? You're fucking with us. Oh, no.

I don't know. You have a shirt that says Saratoga Little League all-star. Yes. Oh, no. We got to see this picture. Who are the coaches? Great guys. I don't know that they were.

Are you sure that it's the same Saratoga? Why did I just call that? Yes. We talked about this Monday. We've talked about this since 2019. We've talked about this for a while. I never really looked into it. I'm freaked out by this.

Why would we know the name Saratoga Little League? I don't know. Maybe you went on my Facebook and you're tricking me. Yeah, that's what we do. We go on Facebook. We're 62-year-old grandmothers. Yeah. Whoa.

Well, I don't know. Could you tell us more about it? Yeah, sorry. I was going to try and find this photo. But there are several Saratogas. I would have heard of this story. I think. That was a while ago you played in it, though, right?

Correct. Denial is a hell of a drug how old are you I'm 33 so good this was 2010 and it was the Saratoga in California yeah we make jokes about like oh he played

in the Saratoga a little bit like a saying I mean maybe it was a different one. Yeah, Saratoga's not that uncommon. Are there multiples in California? I don't know. NorCal, SoCal type thing? Because that changed the whole meaning of Toga Party.

Well, there's one in New York. Something you want to be part of now. Did you wear see-through baseball pants in that league no not addicts yeah the current mlb yeah uh no you know it's popular maybe maybe maybe maybe something did happen there was nothing unusual about you were nothing you were an all-star and i was an all-star i was one of the best did you ever find that the adults were like hush hush and tried to hide things from you at all or no i don't know what is your coach don't recall any of What were my coaches like?

What are their government names? Were they a parent of the kid on the team or just a guy? They were parents of the kids on the team. Did the kids end up normal? Yeah, most of them. Shocking. I mean, you know, only a percentage of kids end up normal. You all play Little League with some kids.

They end up a little weird. I'd say a pretty healthy percentage of kids end up normal. I think a lot of people are weird. Well, then normal isn't a word that should exist then. Whoa. Decent take, actually. You should open with that. Shit. Damn, Brandon.

Yeah, thanks. Do the last ad, Brando. I already did. Oh, hell yeah. I'm added out. I've done everything. Joey, you want to do the gauntlet today? Yeah, I'm down. Oh, yeah. Is Malase at it out. I've done everything. Joey, you want to do the gauntlet today? Yeah, I'm down. Oh, yeah. Is Malasek here? You have to.

Malasek's here because he's singing the National Anthem. He's here with his fucking dog. Why is his dog here? Wait, did he go home and get his dog? Probably. After... What's Blutman doing? Oh, he's...

Talk about somebody that played in Saratoga Little League. You can say that again. Oh, God. Seeing him happy. All right. Where is this? I'd like to see him on his wedding day. Is he that happy?

I asked for a photo of him holding his child for the first time. You didn't have any? yeah what i wasn't there trying to find one couldn't find one only have so much room on this phone deleting pictures with like a dying parent here's here's a picture of mike allstott it was ronde Barber, my kid. What's he got on the other today? He's got, which character on the show Scooby-Doo do you most relate to? Thelma. Jesus, fuck.

I've never watched that show in my life. Really? That surprised me. What? I'm aware of it. Yeah, neither have I. I've never watched an episode. I I'm aware of it. Yeah, neither have I. I've never watched an episode. I'm just aware of it culturally.

Okay, so what do you think happens in a typical Scooby-Doo episode? So I know the meme, because the Wayne's World did the ending. It's like they take the mask off, and there's the old man withers on the amusement park or something like that, right? Yeah. And the meddling kids. Meddling kids. I get all that, but I don't know.

I know Shaggy exists. Okay. I know the blonde-haired dude exists, but I don't know. I know Shaggy exists. I know the blonde-haired dude exists, but I don't know Fred's personality. I don't know what Fred's like. He's cocky. I know there's multiple, because every Halloween you see Velmas. Velma and Daphne. You see them a lot. Which one makes a move for you more, would you say, based on the Halloween costumes?

I would need to know which is which. Based off the time. I don't know which is which. Based off the time. I don't know which is which. Velma wears the sweater. Purple is Daphne, right? Yeah. Played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. Velma's the glasses.

She's the nerdy girl. But when she takes off her glasses. Oh, she's like Rachel Leigh. But she can't see without them. Yeah. Right. Whereas Daphne is more of the bombshell. She's the hot one.

Yeah. Okay. That bread always splits off her. But the Halloween costumes can get a little confusing because, you know, a lot of the Velmas will be attractive women. Really attractive. That's what I think. Yeah, they're mashing their titties together.

I think Velma makes the better costume. Yeah. You haven't seen enough Daphne's. Well, I'd look at Daphne and Velma right now and make a decision. I can picture Velma. I can't picture Daphne at all. Purple, redhead. Now you're making it worse.

What is it based off of? You think, what? Scooby-Doo? If a man could talk to a dog? But is Shaggy the only one that can talk to him? Can he talk to him? Scooby-Doo just talks. Wait, Scooby-Doo doesn't talk?

He doesn't really talk as much as he does. Doesn't he start shit with R? Very similar to Tim Allen in Hot Bro. Is Brian Griffin the only one that can talk to Stewie? Or is Brian Griffin the only one? Brian Griffin fucks white women. Brian Griffin is a milkman. I was like 14

jealous of Brian Griffin. Brian talks to Peter, but Stewie can't talk to anybody but Brian, correct? That's right. Okay. Jealous of Brian Griffin. Honestly, his hit list is crazy. He did pull. He fucked Quagmire's pull. Yeah. Fuck Quagmire's dad. He did fuck Quagmire's dad.

Quagmire's birthday is coming up, right? How old is he? Coming up. 67. Jesus Christ. Happy birthday, Q. You pulling up to Quahog to celebrate? We're going to meet at the Clam.

I'm just reading his other. Would ziplining at your age be fun or dangerous neither exactly neither those are the two choices at every age this is super morbid the opposite of both

I know someone whose husband I probably shouldn't even say this halfway down the zip line in front of the whole family the heart attack? yeah that is kind of funny

and it was on scenic heart attacks? yeah yeah and now I have no desire to be where was it in Costa Rica? it was like in West Virginia or something. It was like one of those mountain towns.

Yeah, there was no hospital. They were not prepped for that. Oh. Trust me. I saw this, you know, these not interactive map, but like a progressive map that says this is what the United States would look like if the sea levels rose by five meters every time. And it went all the way up to 500 meters.

And West Virginia, if we got like 400 meters of of sea level rise west virginia would be unbelievable quite nice because it was the only part in the eastern u.s that was not covered by water so i it would still be bad what do you what would make it better well if it's now just surrounded by water it's now oh it's now like beachfront property like a haw be like a Hawaii kind of. Mountains right into the sea. There'd be a lot of wet jeans in Miami. Oh, don't.

Have you guys ever seen Globus Polsky? It's a globe, but only Poland's on it. I've been trying to get my hands on a Globus Polsky. That'd be amazing. I need it bad. Yeah. Oh, shit. It's just a real big Poland Nick how did you leave it that's awesome

I was trying to get it for Kyle for his birthday I would have loved that yeah but it's 102 comma 99 zip that's a rip off and I don't know if that's in or out of my price range It's 102,99 zip. That's a ripoff. And I don't know if that's in or out of my price range.

25 bucks. Oh, because Polsky's cheap. Reasonable. We got to get ourselves. Those are the boys. Hell yeah. Joey, do you fancy yourself an athlete? I do.

Really? Oh, you said that. I do. Do you have any history? They really worked us out back in my Little League days. Bend over backwards for Coach Saratoga. That's crazy. I can't believe it. I'm still like, I've been like. Fucking A, man.

Saratoga, literally. I still can't tell if you guys are fucking with me. Is Malasek ready? He was just out there. I think he's probably getting his gloves right now. Do you want to coach him or are you going to be afraid? Oh, yeah, I can do it. Fuck you.

So, Joey, we do a yak gauntlet. All right? The greatest time ever is a minute 26. That's probably unattainable, but anything under three is a good time. Okay. So what it is is you see in front of you, you have a cornhole board, right? Yep. You start there.

You make a bag into there. Once you get that, you move over to that soccer net to the left. Once you bury one goal, you move from that soccer net over here to the middle, and I'll be with you. Over there, see that rack with the red baseball bat on top? You pick up that bat, and you hit a home run back this way. I'll show you where. After you do that, you pick up that football,

and you knock one of those bottles off that table. See that table? Yep. After that, you go to that rack. You hit a three. As soon as you do that, take that, you go to that rack, you hit a three. As soon as you do that, take it to the other three-point line, hit a three. Then you come sit in this seat where you'll answer 10 Sporkle questions.

Okay. And it'll be different categories, like seven AFC East teams or whatever. Yeah. There's not that many teams in the AFC East or whatever. And the soccer, after three kicks, it's a free-for-all. Yeah. Okay. So you can, like, get in close. We eventually, one day when we know Dan is not going to be here,

we should just take the entire show and all of us just keep going over and over. Everybody takes shots. Somebody breaks the record. Everybody takes shots. Right? Then if we didn't still, that would be a lot. You'd have to do it. Yeah.

We just got to commit to doing it. All right. You ready? Yeah. Nick, just tell me when to let it. Yeah. We just got to commit to doing it. All right. You ready? Yeah. Nick, just tell me when to let it. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Let's do it. When are we going to tell him? I think we need to get one more detail. Can we get one more detail? One more detail, please. He's over there in the goal If we can find the name of his team And then TJ can inspect Element No

TJ can definitely do that Are we ready? Do we have a spork already? Yep Cool 3 Are you ready? Yep 3 one go oh my god oh shit oh we got a ringer he's good he's lefty the pride of Saratoga Little League. Yeah. Oh, my God. He's got it.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Nope. Nope. Okay. The ball went right back to him. Oh, it's too high. Nope. Nope.

It's going circling around. No. It's the hardest one. Always too high. Too high. Oh, always too high. Too high. Oh, too high again. It's a mindfuck. That's all right.

That strong start could be saving him still. That's okay. Oh. No. Come on. Yay. Okay, he got it. Three ball.

Still under a minute. Doing great. Uh-oh. Not doing go. Okay, he got it. Three ball. Still under a minute. Doing great. Uh-oh. Not doing great. Air ball. Miss. Miss. He's got that Saratoga stroke.

He does. Basketball comes for everyone. He made it. Beautiful shot. Okay. Blutman looking very relaxed. Oh, man. He's looking very relaxed and very stiff at the same time.

I've never seen Blutman turning around and holding a phone like that. That would be crazy. He looks like a scarecrow almost. Doesn't look real. There's a non-zero chance Blutman's just taking a selfie video. Still a good time. Under two minutes. It's down to the final two balls.

Wet. There we go. Trivia, trivia, tribute, tribute, tribute. Still making great time. Nine brand mascots. Pillsbury. Pillsbury. Pillsbury brand mascot.

Doughboy. There we go. Planters. Kobe Bryant. Oh, really? I'm Kobe Bryant. Here for peanuts. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Peanut Man.

Colonel Sanders. Abdul-Jabbar. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Is it the Cheetos Cheetah? He has a name. Chester. Nice. Colonel Sanders?

Yeah. Chester Cheeto. Chester Cheeto? Cheeto. Cheeto. Cheeto. That's not his name? It's not. No.

Yeah. There we go. Smash Bros. Mr. Peanut? He's a duck. Duck. Yeah. There we go. Smash Bros. Mr. Peanut. He said duck. Duck. Yeah. You need four more.

Pool. No. Try Mr. Peanut. He said Mr. Peanut. Mr. Peanut. Time. Am I right? No.

Shit. Seven. Super Smash Brothers. Time Right No Shit Seven Super Smash Brothers Bros Two more Happiest countries Greece Shaq

Shaquille O'Neal Actors in Kung Fu Panda Members of Mystery Incorporated Five members of Mystery Incorporated There you go Scooby Doo Shaggy Oh you got it You got ten Oh, Scooby-Doo. Shaggy.

Oh, you got it. Oh. Yeah. You got 10. 3.49. 3.49. Good time. There you go. Let's see who we beat.

I was cruising until basketball. You were cruising until basketball. Football. Football. Football. Football. You beat Taylor LeJuan. In between Che and Che.

Oh, nice. I mean, I haven't shot a basketball in forever. I felt it. I was like, this won't be a problem. And then I was like, oh, we are off. It's always a problem. Really fun, though. Yeah.

Your first three events were the best three we've ever seen. Probably. Yes. That Saratoga Little League swing right there. Yeah. Yeah. Because you play for? The fucking A's?

What's up? I don't know. Yeah, you probably played for the A's. The fucking A's. Fucking A's. Were you on the Saratoga A's? I think once. Okay.

I was on a lot of them. I bet you were. Barnard, a better reaction. were two S's Saratoga ass Saratoga ass Saratoga ass little leaf little ass Saratoga A's

more like Saratoga ass Saratoga A is more like Saratoga X. Saratoga little boy. TJ, you want to go ahead and spin the wheel? We don't have to end right now, but we can go ahead and spin the wheel. Oh, yeah. It's getting slim. It's not a great wheel right now. Malasek, what's up?

What's going on? You struggling? These are good kicks. Why is your dog here today? I'm leaving after quick picks to go to the airport. Where are you going? Home for a couple days. Okay. Have fun.

Wait, are you near Miami in Florida? So you got your Miami jeans on too? Yeah. Mook's going to Miami tomorrow. That's his fit. I'm going to pull on this, dude. It's going to be cool this, dude. Good talk. Yeah. Good stuff, Malasek.

That was great. Malasek's grumpy today, I guess. Yeah, he is grumpy. What's his deal? I think he doesn't want to leave. I think he gets sad when he has to leave the boys for a couple days. Probably. Yeah, he's just got a four-day weekend ahead of him.

That's not. Yeah. He's flying the dog. Yeah, in Florida. No, he's bringing his dog to hisday weekend ahead of him. That's not... Yeah. He's flying the dog? Yeah, in Florida. No, he's bringing his dog to his sisters. Oh, gotcha. Mm-hmm. All right.

Oh, boy. Very symmetrical wheel, except for the fact that it's not. What is... Joe... Sorry, go ahead. Well, I know what mousetrap is, but is it specific? Do you have to put your hands on it, or... Oh, yeah.

You've never been here for one of those? I was here for the main mousetrap mania, but i don't know what it means on the wheel no i don't think so i think we're dry we might be dry nice nice yeah mousetrap is you just stick your fingers into a mouse mousetrap okay uh i didn't forget k was a monster the first mousetrap day yeah i kind of have a hankering for it again. Were you seven months pregnant when we did that? I felt like I had immunity to throw mousetraps at you.

Did you get in the cash cube? Yeah. Didn't we make it really slippery? Maybe so. I got in early. We had a pregnant woman stomping around, grabbing for cash, blindfolded as we threw mousetraps at her. I think we said it was for diaper money. Titus went full Jihad that day.

Oh, yeah. You were just... Yeah, yeah. There was a sparkle in your eye that was frightening. Well, he was the only guy that knew how to set the mousetraps, making him the most powerful man. Yeah, that was fun. There's something about mousetraps that really unlocks something in you. Yeah, that was...

I felt very uncomfortable on this show up until mousetrap day. Yeah. I kind of settled in a little bit, yeah. Mousetraps and costumes have really gotten you into this show. It's all it takes. That's really it, yeah. Like, if I feel like I'm lagging with production on this show, I just throw on a costume and This guy fucking gets it, man.

And set a mousetrap, and I'm back. What's the next holiday? St. Patrick's Day. Yeah. It's on a Sunday though, right? I think we're doing something for that, right? Pre-record? I don't know. Who fucking knows? Yeah, that's right.

I'm still brainstorming my mincey thing. I got mine. I'm so mad I'm going to miss this. I don't know where I'd get a chicken. That's his pro. Quite got mine. I'm so mad I'm gonna miss this. I don't know where I'd get a chicken. That's his pro. Quite a pickle. I wanted to, I'm not gonna do it, but I wanted to hang

something, like a money in the bank type thing. Hang something above the court and Mincy has to get it. Like a light bulb? Yeah, have him change a light bulb. I want to see him with a brain freeze so bad oh that's a good one yeah suck down a slurpee the sounds the face joey if you wanted to work out and test a middle-aged man his physical and mental ability

what would you make him do that's a good question uh how much time do you have and now he's gonna be a swift somebody you can't have on a live mic okay he might say something that this is the whole thing shut down so it has to be physical right yeah what uh he's kind of falling off but you remember the liver king? Yeah. He would do the barbarian, where he would strap all this weight. He'd put weight on his ankles, and he'd hold two kettlebells, and he'd put weight on his shoulders, and he'd have to walk a mile. Kyle's making him ride the Sibian. No brakes.

That'll be good on Mike. Yes, sixth gear. That's it. Do a full barbarian and then ride the second. Really exercise some demons right there. You can make him do a Rocky, make him chug like a glass of raw eggs, and then do five rounds on a bag. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not bad. You should make him fight someone. Just a fist fight. Actual. Let's get a drunk guy in Chicago. The possibilities are really endless yeah I guess we need it's Friday right

yeah as it turns out anything Mince does is going to be fun I know you can just have him do literally the combine I want him to make

a party sub from scratch I've used the meat chipper everything oh yeah he'd get lost in the stuff. Something would happen. Something's going to happen. Get stuck.

I wanted to put together a Miami outfit. Oh, yeah. Well, he does have a party shirt. He has that shirt. He has that shirt. Were you and the boys all texting each other? Like, hey, what are you wearing? Guys do that too?

I FaceTimed my best friend and i was like what do you what should i wear and he said he was like just get a pair of levi's yeah how many dudes get the levi's i think 20 so scale 1 to 20 where do you think you'd fall on like let's start with coolness oh pretty low mid-pack low. 12? Do you have, like, how many, like, really cool guys are in your group? There's a lot. It's a lot of Miami guys are going. Like, guys that, like, are going to be. That type of dude?

Yeah, they're going to be in their element. I don't. I haven't been in the bachelor party circuit for decades. 20 seems like a big one. That's huge. That's a big one. All in one house? You're staying in the Airbnb?

Are you sticking out big time? Yes. You could definitely play startup tech billionaire then. Yes. That's the role you have. That's your best case. I'll do it as Sam Bankman Freed. What's the money situation in the group?

You got a couple of rich guys that are going to pick up the tab for everything? Nope. We'll get big cash. Nope. Is the group from the rap video who you're going with? No, no, no. That bachelor party would be at Wisconsin Dells.

Oh, okay. Any millionaires? Any money men? Family millionaires, sure. Yeah, there's some money men. I'm not one of them. Any tanks that will cover the fights? We might be tankless.

You're tankless in Miami? We might be tankless in Miami. Wait, what does that mean? Like a tank. Like a muscle boy. Oh, a big guy. Not even muscles, but someone who will fight. Okay.

We might be tankless. There might be another bachelor party there. Anyone like any singers? Any good voices? Okay. No. We do have a music guy. All right any anybody that's going to attract the ladies any any lady bait yeah we got some anyone who's going to get arrested 20 guys in miami i'm going to go with yeah yeah yeah for sure that's

we got a couple wild cards but no tanks i'm worried about that is troubling a group of you can't do a group of 20 can you you? There will be subgroups. It might be 15. I would split up, find a group of five and do your own thing. What's the best? Six is about the right number? Yeah. Between five and six, somewhere in there?

That would be five and a half. Yeah, you can do like eight to ten, but 20 is crazy. I'm worried about my one boy who's been sober for a while, and he's like, I'm going to get fucked up this weekend. Tell him to drink tonight. I told him to train. You've got to get some in. Yeah, but

it should be fun. It should be a good time. Now, is Perth still planned, or what? Are we getting out? Some people think we haven't even bought the tickets. Tickets are bought. You're going. We just have to move the day.

Do you have... For what? I'm going to Australia. I know where Perth is. So go to Perth. I didn't. What are you doing in Perth? As a gift for being so good.

He's our producer. He's really good at his job. We got him a trip to Perth. He's going to get skin cancer, like, immediately. No, no, no, because he's not there long. He's not going to be there. Do you have? How long are you there?

I'll tell you the dates. I fly out March 7th. I land March 9th. I'm there until March 10th. I fly home March 11th. No! And I get back the 13th. Yeah, so it's one of those deals where, you know, I'm just going to get lunch and go home. What led to this? This is their appreciation gift towards me.

We were in a real long Uber. We were like, let's buy tickets to Australia for MOOC. That was the extent. When you Google furthest flight from Chicago, Perth comes up. Are you going to document your experience? Are you going to film part one and then sit on it for a half year? Yeah, pretty much. Do you have a Perth wardrobe ready? You're going to have to go back to Mesa.

What should I wear? Like khakis? Khakis? I wear khakis. What should I wear? Cut-off khakis? Yeah, khakis. Cargoes?

It doesn't fucking matter, dude. You're not even going to Sydney. You're going to Perth The most remote of the cities Yeah, I'll be in Melbourne for like two hours For a layover But yeah, Perth attire Probably have to go back to Uniqlo

Can't wear jeans Can't wear jeans in Perth? No It attracts the The dingoes Dingoes love jeans You can't wear jeans in Perth? No. Oh, that'd kill you. No. Really? It attracts the... You gotta know. The dingoes. Dingoes love jeans. Crocodile dingoes.

The Crocs. To make the trip worth it, you should get there and try and get the Guinness World Record for the loudest C word. Oh. Because you're in Australia. You can let it fly out there. Yeah. Get loudest C word out there.

What C word? Thanks, cunt. Not like the direction of the ocean. No, we're talking about cunt yeah cunt okay c-word i was trying to build up to the ocean try and save it for perth you know yeah yeah i could do that i don't know we'll see i'm worried i'm worried about my physical health yeah yeah you probably should be i'm worried about it in general this seems like a really unhealthy place to exist in between the challenges of driving 500 miles around.

This job, there's going to be case studies on all of us. Yeah. I was laying on the floor a couple days ago, the bad back getting eggs thrown at me from the balcony. She couldn't get out. It was hilarious. It was a step up from the mousetrap. C-section scar not healed.

Yolk seeping in. It's fun. It's a good time. Yeah, I'm trying to get like Adderall right now and I have to get blood work done. And I'm afraid to get the blood work because they're going to be like, you have diabetes or something. Yeah, well, would you want to know? No. That's why I'm like delaying the Adderall thing.

Brandon, we know. We're not sure. We're not 100% sure. Diabetes? I don't think I have diabetes. If I did, I would be short of breath very easily or I would get headaches or shit like that. Like moody. Yeah, I'd get moody.

Shut the fuck up. There would be signs that I had diabetes. Yep. So what position did you play for Saratoga Little? Catcher. I was going to say I was a pitcher, but that doesn't make me. That doesn't paint me in a great light. A little shortstop, a little pitcher.

All right. You know? One of the favorites. Whatever got you through it, man. Yeah, we made it. Brandon, you nervous yet? No, I'm fine. Cool.

I'm not doing that much. I'm just going to go up there. You're the biggest face on the flyer, man. You're going up very first, though, right? Because that is kind of a pressure. I think not doing that much. I'm just going to go up there. You're the biggest face on the flyer, man. You're going up very first, though, right? Because that is kind of a pressure. I think somebody else is. We have a cold open for him. Oh, you do?

Mm-hmm. Oh, that's good. Are you going to ask how everyone's feeling tonight? Probably. How are you going to do it? How you guys feeling tonight? That was pretty good. Who's drinking?

Chicago! How the fuck are we feeling? I was probably going to come out and say, what's up's up pretty good how's everybody doing tonight hey damn uh cheat code give it up for the wait staff one time they're working hard tip them yeah i don't i don't like shouting out behind the scenes people oh yeah that's true you got to commit to your comedic voice yeah my comedic voice is true punching down right what's my committee oh yeah yeah yeah i'll do that for a comedic person yeah uh yeah i'm just gonna go up'll do that for a comedic purpose. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just going to go up there and say,

hey, here's some very funny people. Here's funny person number one, probably going to be Mook. Funny person two is Nick, and then the rest of them. My friend Joey here. Hell of a job. Yeah, pretty good, man. Pretty good. What credits are you going to read for me? Yeah.

You may know him from... Macy's. Yep, there we go. Do I have to say anything about you or just say here's a funny guy? It's completely up to you. Okay. The host usually wants credits because then they have something to say instead of having to come up with it themselves. Yeah, and I mean, do these guys

a favor, man. If someone's in the crowd, they don't know these guys and they find them very funny, I would like to know where else I could see them, where else... What do I do with this information? I went to a show, I found a funny guy, where do I go next? Give them his... Batavia, Illinois.

Let's build that right now, Joey. What's your what's credits what i got to shout out for you saratoga little league yeah yes you may know him for being molested yes the star player for the ass yeah i mean i think you got it right there i, that's pretty great. All right. Yeah. Well, please come out tonight, 8 o'clock, if you're in the Chicago area or anywhere within the surrounding, even if you're out in Batavia. Yes.

Come on in. And then I'll be there all weekend. Then this weekend, you'll see this guy. Where's it at? Comedy Vault, Joey? Comedy Vault in Batavia. Comedy Vault, Batavia. You'll see Joey this weekend.

And then tons of shows. I got a bunch of cities coming up, so look at my for that joeyavory.com there we go awesome we work with a guy that would play the little league with you yeah really yeah no shit dude i was sitting over there like something's going on here and i don't know i don't know where to take this i honestly had a thought where I was like, is it fucking April? Like, I thought it was April Fool's Day for a second. And I was like, no, no, no, not yet. Who?

Will Sparks. No shit. Is that right? Yeah. He works here? Yeah. He said he played against you. Against you. We asked him, like, what team, like, for more information.

He said, I think he played for the A's. That's why. Yeah. Well, as you know, with Little League, you play for a lot of teams. I think I had for the A's. That's why. Yeah. Well, as you know with Little League, you play for a lot of teams. I think I had A's for a little bit. Yeah, I was hoping. Yeah. Yeah.

It's good. I hope that worked out. You look like the around the horn guy. Oh, I'll take that. I feel like that guy's aging backwards, so I'll take that. Yeah. He still looks good. You don't see it, Brandon?

No, I do. I see it more looking there. Yeah, that's where I caught it. Yeah, yeah. I'm better from straight on than the side. My profile's pretty underwhelming. Straight on, it's, you know. Straight on's pretty good.

Straight on's pretty good, yeah. From the side's pissing me off. It's not good. I don't like it either. Do you ever catch yourself from an angle, and you're just like, that can't be what people see? No, there's no angle that I improve from. 24-7. The Macy's dressing room.

What do y'all think this conversation is? Chef Donnie and Ben Walker. I'm going to think it's no angle. 24-7. The Macy's dressing room. What do y'all think this conversation is? Chef Donnie and Ben Walker. I'm going to think it's about Ben. He's just chasing. He's veered off. Wave up. Does he have the most appearances for a non-member? I think Mook and I have to be up there.

Yeah, you guys have to be way up there. Yeah, the Coe's Coe. Yeah. Yeah. Up there. Right? Frank? No.

Frank had a lot going on. Frank was a pretty short run. Tank Thursdays? I don't know. Yeah, it's probably Mets. Who else could it be well I mean when we were in New York

we would have Tommy Smokes a good bit we would have we would have Francis a good bit once he got back but yeah I think

Mince has done a lot of work in a little time which is ironic Connor don't make this a project we don't need to know yeah because he would he's already started he already scrapped his yep word doc yeah yeah don't need to know connor wrote a joke today too and it was terrible connor well you're a funny guy oh there he is yeah brandon texted our group

chat last night asking me and evo to come up with a joke for him to say during the show tonight, and I tried to come up with a joke that was odd enough where it would be very awkward for Brandon to be saying it up on stage. Connor, do the first 30 seconds. Yes. Oh, 30 seconds? No, just do the first line. No, do the first three lines.

Do the first three lines. Yeah, do it all. This is like the fourth time he's done that. I'm only doing it. Oh, shit. I've always been fascinated by the word cumshot. And then I'll end it there. You guys can go.

No, no, no. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. All right. What's the deal with the word cumshot? I mean, when you think about it, it doesn't make any sense. Because in sports terms, a shot is intended to score.

You're shooting to score. That's not what you're trying to do here. You're not trying to get it in the goal or in the net or anything like that. You're not trying to make it in where it's supposed to go. You're essentially chucking that motherfucker out of bounds. Connor is my favorite black comic. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That motherfucker out of bounds. Say it with more pizzazz. Say it with a little more pizzazz. Hit that line one more time. A little more pizzazz. Chucking that. I'm not doing the line again I'll just keep going I said what did I say oh yeah you said in reality pizzazz it's really like a throw away like a quarterback

throwing the ball away in football you're in there in the pocket you start to feel a little bit of a rush you're surveying your options all. Now say ooh after each line. Dab a kerchief on your forehead. Smack a mic on your knee. I feel so upset. And then I was like, you roll out, you release, and then just like the sperm,

you get out of a sack. Ooh! Ooh! That was the joke. You spent time on that. It was a full process. I probably spent like 20 minutes crafting that thing. That's a take-home project right there. He's like, come on, we're almost there with the cum shop bit.

It needs more. Where can I put the motherfucker? Throw that motherfucker away. Because we were talking about on the show yesterday on Mostly Sports, we were talking about fisting. And I was trying to roll with that general gist. You did great, Connor. Cumshot was the next

operation. Fisting got you in the cumshot mood? Yeah. That's good. Good job, Connor. Joey, thank you. Thanks for having me. Tonight, 8 o'clock, Laugh Factory. Anything else for anybody?

Me and Mook will be there as well I will be there best venue it's always the best crowd it's one of my favorite shows alright that's the Yak thanks Thank you. Come on out to the show tonight uh ticket links in the chat i'll see you there bye