The Yak - Pat Brings A New Toy To The Show | The Yak 4-1-22

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

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Hey Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Yo, what the fuck? What the fuck? I feel like I need to lean back. Can we zoom out? Look how intimate this is. New setup, new setup season, and this shit is intimate. When we walked in here, there was a man, and he said things are about to change in here.

And I don't know if he's like our new boss. Who was that? I don't know. And he said that the seats are significantly tighter. Just how Pat likes them. Uh-huh. We got a new video, boss? What?

Yeah. What's funny about that? We just have a new boss. Your intonation and your pace, I think. I said things are about to change. Look at this angle. God damn. Is this an April Fool's prank?

They are cranking us right now. Yeah. It is. It's a hard crank. God damn. Is this an April Fool's prank? They are cranking us right now. Yeah. It is. It's a hard crank. Holy fuck. I'm thrown off. I got to focus.

I got to stop looking at this. We got Pat in this bitch. We got Andrew in this bitch. I wonder why we're doing this. Does anybody know? Who did this? The guy. Where's the guy? Can we get that guy to come in?

Was he a ghost? Where's Boss Man? The guy. Where's the guy? Can we get that guy to come in? Was he a ghost? Where's Boss Man? Quiet Shane. So let's make you guys look pretty. To look pretty? Damn, Zah. This shit's impossible, first of all. But how long have you known this is a real move?

Yeah, this is a real move. It's a prank. It has to be a prank. Really have to whip your head around. We're idiots, too, though. We can't get a small change in the environment without commenting on it incessantly. Like those axolotls, those geckos

that the slightest change in water, you're dead. What are they called? I don't know how they're pronounced. Axolotls? I don't know. I'm asking. Yeah, I think so. If there's just a little bit of change in water temperature, they die? There's so many animals that just die fucking instantly. Except for the horseshoe crab, God's most perfect creature.

How long does it live? It's never had to evolve. It's just always been. Yeah? Yeah, it's perfect. It's tough to whip my head around. Sorry, I'm still- I hate it.

I hate it. It's hard to really whip. We have all the resources in the world, and you'll still hear about people who just die spontaneously. Of natural causes? Is natural causes even a real thing, or was that just a lie that they were telling us because nobody knew what it was?

That's nothing. Because scientists were low-key dumb. Dumber than fucking teachers. And that's a low bar. Fuck yes, bro. I'm just kidding. Don't do me like that I was also shocked

by KB's legs they look good though right first legs of the season they're pale as fuck he's been KB has been working out all winter

waiting to show off those legs and the first sniff of warm weather we get he's got those white gams they're way too pale oh wow they look

zooming on that that angle made him look skinny stop with the fucking bulge what are you talking about it's just so tired you hear what you want to hear what is that hat I never said that I'm zooming on that bulge. That angle made him look skinny. Oh, no, stop with the fucking bulge. What are you talking about? It's just so tired. You hear what you want to hear.

What is that hat? Is that your two requirements for when you have to be on Arizona and over 18 or 16? Should I pick up this phone call on the air? It's from Millis, Mass. Yeah, pick it up. I've been getting spam calls out the wazoo. Fuck, I lost it. I got April fooled already. Let's go.

It wasn't funny. Some guy who got my number, obviously, online, texted me, there's a cockroach infestation under the fridge. We will send exterminators. They had them in 2B also. Every apartment building has a 2B. I sprinted home because that is a problem

in our apartment complex. Cockroaches? You guys live with Owen? No, you live with Sass. You guys live in the same building but separate apartments. No. Okay, I'm going to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, see you, man.

All right. It's a chaotic energy to start off this show, and I think that there's a lot of things playing into it. It's the fact that we have to whip our heads. It's the fact that it's a little bit tighter. It's the fact that KB's got super short shorts

and is begging us to talk about it but begging us not to talk about it. He wants us to talk about it. Have you got dry skin? Because I see there's scratch marks

on your legs from what I'm assuming your fingernails. Yeah. He cuts. You've been Mr. Itchy. Oh, fuck. You do have wild scratch marks.

And you know that you know this because I tell you off the record. You know I'm very self-conscious about it. Running through Prickerbush's son? What is that? It's, I think it's dry skin. You know what helps with dry skin? Personal air masturbators.

Yes, that's what we were going to get. We're unboxing a dick-sucking machine. We unboxing a dick-sucking machine. We got this dick-sucking machine. You may be wondering, what's Stephen Che doing in a box? No, an actual device. And yeah, it's beautiful. You got like a box

of boxes. I got sent six arc wave... Which are also kind of boxes. Pleasure strokers. And what it does is it helps you experience a new type of simulation based entirely on powerful airwaves by targeting the panachean pleasure receptors of the

frenulum. Arc wave promises you the most intense orgasms. Girls always ignore the frenulum. What is a frenulum? That's the underside of the cock. Let's keep more frenulum. I pretend like I don't know what the frenulum is. Work the frenulum. Heather, you make your nut in the frenulum? That's the underside of the cock. Let's keep more frenulum. Pretend like I don't know what the frenulum is. Work the frenulum. Heather, you make your nut in the frenulum. I do. Should I unbox this now or are we saving it until the end?

No. What are we saving? I think we need to do a wheel for who gets sucked, and I want it to be Fasoli. That's a great idea. Suck wheel. Wait, you put your hard dick in a machine? Yeah. And it does just air.

Out. Dick sucking. Why? Very out. Why? Things get stuck in machines. This is just air, hard dick. I know, but like.

You know you can get stuck in a vagina. Yeah. Then worse places to get stuck. Same with the machine. Same with the dick sucking machine. Imagine. Oh, what hell? I'm stuck in a dick sucking machine.

Isn't this just the worst? Look at this. So you open it up. I'm blowing fat loads constantly. Blowing rubs. And it gives you. That looks like an espresso machine. Isn't this just the one? Look at this. So you open it up. I'm blowing fat loads constantly. Blowing rubs. And it gives you... That looks like an espresso machine. Yeah. Step-by-step instructions on how to do this. There's two of them. Owen, would you like to read?

Sure. So you turn on your ion by pressing the plus button for two seconds. Take it out like a flight attendant. Show us the whole fucking... Give us the song and dance, Pat. Okay. You read, I'll take out. I think we do a suck wheel.

And then you're going to apply a water-based loop to both your ion and your penis for maximum enjoyment. This is the charging cleaning station. Slide your erect penis inside the smart silence air vacuum, and it starts to stop. This is the sucker. And so what you do, it goes this way, and you suck this way, and it goes out here. I've looked on Pornhub. The guy had a really curved dick. You want to take a first spin?

I just won't be able to do that. Why? I've got serpentine dick. It's a lot of weight. Nick's way too wide. It's a lot of weight. Nick's way too wide. It's a lot of weight to rest on the balls. Isn't that a lot of weight? I think you hold it, right?

I think I got to charge it and fire her up. You're not holding it because it says it's fist clenching. You got to look at a video of it. I got about 10 of them on my desk. Oh, look it. It comes with a little bit of arc weight. Why is there a mute button? Is it Bluetooth?

No, so it works automatic. When you put it in, it automatically starts up. It's like the toothbrushes that play a song. That's how long it should be. Yeah, that's how long. And then I guess you charge this. All right, you're dicking it. All right, come.

Did you finish? KB, you've been awfully quiet since the dick toy came out. Oh, it's on. It's on? Yeah. Put your hand in there. Was that your throat? I don't get it.

All right. So is it soft or is it hard? It's in there. Or like the material. Watch your finger in. Me currently? So it's a little bit squishy It feels used It feels gently used

I'll go ahead and stick your finger in It goes the other way You gotta go from the back side Don't straight up finger it Don't tell me how to finger it So this is Kyro in his natural element Because I just got done with it And now it's going to him

For the second time No no no because you remember the first you don't remember the first time because you were a little baby so that was me way but my first time was long ago oh no no i did not let you have it i remember i do go i will go after you if it's my second or third time i remember and that's always hilarious when i follow you up it's my second or third time. I remember. And that's always hilarious when I follow you up and it's my second time. You were so nervous. You're like, dude, I just did it for the first time. I was like, oh, yeah, I just finished for the third time. But yeah,

right after me for your first time. I always go after you for my second time and it's so funny. That is pretty funny. It's so funny to follow somebody so excited for the second time. This is not a bit. I'm excited to see Twitter. Trouble in paradise? Okay. Alright. Fun, fun.

We're not going to stick our dicks in it, so why tease that? Why are we not? Alright, first let's do a wet wheel because I'm not doing this shit without a wet wheel. I'm going to put this away. No, no, no. Keep that out. Keep that out and let's hit this wet wheel.

And then a food. Oh, please. Please let it be a food wheel today. Today would be a perfect day for a food wheel. Oh, my God. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's perfectly fine.

That's perfectly fine. What is she doing? Ebony, she's sitting like a bad kid. Whatever. Her post yesterday had to be some level of misdemeanor. That was disgusting. I always want to screenshot it and send it to you guys, but I'm afraid it will notify her. What are you talking about?

I screenshotted and posted it. I know. What did it say? It was the N-word. It was something about, was it? It said, guys be eaten. Guys? Guys be eaten pussy.

You said guys? Guys be eaten discharge. Talking about, that's that wet wet. Nah? Guys be eating pussy. You said guys? Guys be eating discharge talking about that's that wet wet. Nah. Nah. Nah, boy. You're eating cream of mushroom. I mean, she's got a point.

Fucking disgusting. Should we get her in here? Kyle, you had the N-word on your story. Yeah, I did. Is that allowed? You don't have to shut that off. Yeah. Why are you narking?

I think that's the perfect way to do it. I mean, you used to have to quote tweet, and that's still like the downfall of a ton of people. You have to just write QT in front of it and then just type out the N-word yourself. Yeah. Probably your kids or something. I want her in here, but I don't know if it's too much.

I feel like you don't like when she comes in. You guys, just don't make it entirely sexual. She can't. She's coming in. Why can't make it entirely sexual she can't she's coming in Why can't you just sprinkle funny? Conversation it doesn't have to be entirely sexual it won't be I won't say it's what about ebony competes against the dick-sucking machine It's like the modern-day John Henry think you could out suck this You gotta put your fingers in. Go sit in the chair. I'm going to sit next to you.

You want me to grab Frank? That makes a lot of sense. That's the nearest chair. Frank's here. You would love this episode. Yeah, Frank would love it. All right, Ebony. Why are you so mad? She's always mad.

What's wrong with these dumbass headphones? Okay. Is this me? All right, let me see. Ebony, you look like you had a chicken bacon ranch from Subway today. I did, because you bought it for me. Goddamn right I did. And absolutely no vegetables on that thing.

You got no veggies? I don't know veggies. How you turn this shit on? You just got to put your fingers in. I got both my fingers in. Oh, it knows you. Yeah. You got to apply pressure.

You got to start slow. Pop your nail off. Oh, that felt good. Yeah. You gotta start slow. Pop your nail off. Oh, that felt good. Yeah. Girls are so bad at getting fingers. I could definitely... A girl that you finger... It's just you.

I think a lot of girls... I think I could out-suck this. What you mean? You cannot out-suck it. That's not a sucking maneuver. You could out-suck a machine. Vibration. Whip your dick out.

I'm the wrong guy. This felt good. I don't want to take my finger out of it. Look. Oh, yeah. I could definitely. Whip your dick out. I'm the wrong guy. This feels good. I don't want to take my finger out of it. Look. Oh, yeah. I could definitely out-suck this shit. KB, let me see your baby dick. There it is.

No, we're not talking about any dicks today. He was very nervous. Let's have the machine. But you got a machine in here that's trying to suck dick. Oh, this feels good. I don't know how I feel about this. Yeah, you're out of a job. I'm out of a job You see your baby daddy

Trying to fucking Bench Doing anything in the weight room Why are you always Talking about my baby daddy for Why are you so worried about him I'm not worried about him Why are you worried

Oh you're not No I'm on to the next one Let me take this What's he up to Eating Campbell's chunky Damn you think we that poor He might be that poor

But I don't eat that shit There's a reference to Eating Put your finger in there Cause you ain't never get Head like that in your life Put your fingers in there He gets head like that

All the time No he doesn't Look look look KB KB came in with an attitude He's just talking shit to me So I just wanted to know What was up

I've just been I've just been getting destroyed Ad nauseum This week I wanted to know What the animosity is about. You came in like you was about to... You treat me like shit.

You are shit. Fuck. Why would I be nice to you? Because one minute you want to be like... Like I said, you're socially awkward. I don't know how many times I got to keep saying this. You come in, you look at me like you want to say hi. Yeah.

I just want to smack the fuck out him sometimes missed your opportunity the shit out of you if you guys fought let's fight then i can't can't why you know that i'm just physically way superior to you it would be quick it'd be quick so he'd submit you he ain't doing shit i think it's i think it's all cap i feel like you just you like you like all this tension you like that doesn't make you a baby dick hard makes you hard should i rub on your thigh a little bit what dude i have a crazy idea should we get steven che to also sit in here i think so yeah i think you should come in and sit in here a little weird yeah come sit in here just for today just for 45 45 minutes. What do you think, Steven? He's like, nah, this is not what I want. Yeah, Steven.

Yeah. Mic's off, Steven. See? Yeah, I'm cutting social. I'll be in there. Cut socials from in here. Tyler just texted me. I'll be there in like three.

Tyler just texted me. Tyler's doing it. Tyler just texted me. What the fuck? He just texted Owen. All right. Give me three minutes. I'll be in there. Stop. Why are you trying to haggle with me? I have a better social Owen. All right. Give me three minutes. I'll be in there.

Stop. Why are you trying to haggle with me? I have a better social strategy. I'm like literally downloading the singer. What's your social

strategy? KB's about to download a social strategy. We're doing clips. All clips? Maybe that's good. Maybe. Maybe we have one of the

biggest comedians in the world on the show and we tag Dude Wipes instead. A product that we love. Time to talk Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes. Let's have a serious track. Let's have a serious chat. Let's have a serious chat.

What? Dude, I'm always good at reading, but today, for some reason, this shit is just not working. That copy's hard to read. Why don't you break it down for me, Nick? I can't do it. It's hard. Let's do a popcorn one word at a time. As fast as we can.

Yeah. Dudes. We. Need. All right, cool. Dudes, we need to have a serious chat about your bathroom habits. It's time to quit shitty, scratchy toilet paper and switch to Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes are an extra-large, flushable wipe made with plant-sourced fibers

designed to give your butt a cleaner, more refreshing finish than TP after dropping a deuce. Dude Wipes will change your life. Your butt will thank you, and you'll never look at an empty toilet paper roll the same way again. They have great personal... Come on! Go, go, Nick. You're doing good, Nick. They also have other great personal care products like Dude Powder and Dude Shower body wipes, perfect for other sticky situations.

But everything at Amazon or Dude Wipes at Walmart and Target Nationwide, but we recommend you go to DudeWipes.com and use YAK20, that's Y-A-K-2-0 for 20% off your entire order. Clip that. Tag Tom Segura. Little twist.

I actually didn't read that. I had it memorized. Did you? Off the tippy? Yeah. Good for you. Off the teepee. Oh, fuck.

Steven, has it been three minutes yet? Social strategy. Only post clips that are under 10 seconds. Yeah. Why? Social strategy. They do clips that are under 10 seconds. Yeah. Why? Social strategy. They do way better numbers.

Really? Yeah, just a funny five-second clip. That's on God. Or not even funny. Just like a funny sound someone makes. Give us a sound. Just like a confusing five seconds. Yeah, just not.

Yeah, anything. Those always kill it on social media. No one really wants to sit through a two-minute, 30-second video to find the one joke. You don't? I'd say always less than 75 seconds. Okay. I trust you, KB.

Try it once. Ten seconds or less. Savage. You're bigger than Chris DiStefano. No, I'm not he's way bigger you're bigger than me so that whole thing was fake

make his Will Smith slap no he DM'd me yesterday to apologize he was like it wasn't like a full on apology he was like yeah I think it got misconstrued. And by the way, I did.

I know you guys. I was just trying to be funny and acting like I didn't. He did? Yeah. There's no way that happened. That's whack as fuck. I know. I was like, geez, stand your ground.

Did you get like a little nervous when he was coming at you like that? Nervous? Yes. I wasn't in the room. Taking a back? No. No, when he was in the act studio. Oh, no.

That was funny. Yeah, it was funny. Why would you have been nervous? Why don't I just seem a little taken aback? He asked, what do you do for a living? That was a joke. He seemed like a man up against the road. He was doing crowd work to me.

A common crowd work technique is that they always ask, what do you do for a living? How long have you been dating the girl next to you? That's above my head. Now I get it. Dumbass head. Sometimes you just got to be mansplained, you know? A.B., who's the dumbest people in here in this whole office? In the office?

The whole office. Upstairs too. It's Frankie Borelli. And don't say content. Frankie is pretty dumb. Yeah. Who else? Who else? Sully. is pretty dumb. Yeah. Who else? Who else?

Sully. Sully's incredibly dumb. Who else? Who else? Why did you say content Kim? You think she's dumb? I'm beefing with content Kim a little bit. Oh, for real?

So you're just calling her dumb? Yeah. Saddest I ever got is when I found out your publicity beef was fake. No, it's real. I just had to. She started taking it serious, so then we started saying we were joking. No, but then I see her stories, and she's meeting up with you guys to be bougie. Yeah, come on, Pat.

Doing bougie dates. Yeah, you were. Don't question my credibility with pubs. Oh, you're fucking... Thought on her story. I've never been out with pubs. You're out at the box with publicity. I know what y'all are doing. The box? You guys are at the box. Don't question my credibility with pubs. You're out at the box with publicity. I know what y'all are doing.

The box? Don't question my credibility with pubs. I've never been out with pubs. I've seen donkey shows at the box. I'm not cool about that. I'm not cool about that. Ebony, you know about the box? You love the box. People just go and fuck donkeys live in like

Midtown Manhattan. What? They pour blood on themselves while they shit on the stage. It satanic fuck shit that like uh yeah i'm into some kinky shit i ain't into that you could pee on me but i are you or do you just say that i'm into some kinky shit yeah you don't believe it owen you just think i'm all talk nobody i think you yap worse than six bar who's talking to you everybody always do this I'm talking about Katie Every conversation Is a collective conversation How do you not understand that His voice is just irritating You don't even understand

Cause he Outside of this shit He don't have this energy When he's around everybody He got all this energy Cause we're on a live show That makes sense No

But keep the same energy You pussy ass I'm not trying to have Small talk with you In the fucking lobby I can't even say it What She asked what Nigga That's what I was gonna say Yeah pussy ass I'm not trying to have small talk with you in the fucking lobby you can't even say it what?

she asked what? nigga what I was gonna say yeah god damn it's like just tell the world you wanna fuck me already you just wanna keep I do want him to

I would fuck you you want him to no I don't want him to fuck me it's like I'm not getting no satisfaction on that shit you're afraid of falling in love you could what?

I can finger fuck myself oh you're afraid he's gonna break your heart my actually not that shit. You're afraid of falling in love. You could what? I can finger fuck myself. Would not. Oh. You're afraid he's going to break your heart. My fingers are the size of his dick. I'm good. I don't. I do know that.

You see everything with him and it terrifies you. Whoa, whoa. Wait. It terrifies me. That's never popped up before. That's not us. That's not real. That's just a TV.

Oh, it's a TV. Back to finger fucking. What were we saying about finger fucking? See what I'm talking about? It's finger fucking. Is, it's a TV. Back to finger fucking. What were we saying about finger fucking? See what I'm talking about? It's finger fucking. Is it too much for you? Does it bother you? It's just...

KB is going to be... It's going to be the summer of KB. I do genuinely believe that. I've heard that, and I didn't want to believe it. What's that mean? It's just I've heard whispers. Not even from Kyle. KB's going to be down on Stone Street.

It's because he's been working out He's been working on that summer winter body some bodies are made in the winter through you two winters ago He started working on it and now he's been locked in he's ready to Debut the ladies soft launching it he's soft He's been soft launch you know what what oughta beta launch a beta like a test beta yeah not that a launch soft launch what opportunities are you gonna have to pop your shirt off the soft launch with a hard body i'm gonna pitch another p-town show we get the top up there okay there we go what's p-town uh provincetown provincetown cape cod oh shit okay

is it for out and about type shit we did Rediscovering America There We went to the Dick Dock We went to the Dick Dock The boys were in Speedos And we went to Like a And then Donnie Like went out on his own Yeah

For a while You did too You were No I did not You went out to get pizza At like 1230 in the morning And you were gone for Yeah pizza

Because it was a calzone Oh that's why you put it in quotes? I think I may have said pizza, but it's the same ingredients as pizza. Here comes the king. It's just formed differently. Let's go. Wow. As you sit down, you're now entered in the dick-sucking wheel.

Yes, that's why we wanted you in here. I wonder how fast this thing would make you come. That's the sound I imagine it making. Stephen Che, what's up, brother? How we doing? This is very loud. Good dick sucking machine. Hard out. Why would you... I mean, I said this before,

but... You ever use a flashlight? No. It's not cheating, brother. It's not cheating. AI. It's just... No, I just wouldn't in a... You'd rather mouth. It's not cheating, brother. It's not cheating. AI. It's just, no, I just wouldn't. You'd rather mouth. Yeah. Do you feel weird being in here as opposed to being in there? I'm like five feet away. So it's not weird?

No. It feels weird to me. I feel like this is the guy I see on TV is now sitting next to me, even though I just see you through glass. But it is like it's enough for it to be weird for me. I see you like every day. I know. That's why it's weird that it to be weird for me. I see you like every day. I know. That's why it's weird that it's weird.

I like it, though. I love it. Did you guys see Brandon Walker's new Twitter handle? Is that a new one? He's just BFW now. That's sick. Clean. Yeah.

He dropped SEC. That's badass. Yeah, it is. Can't go back to the South. Yeah, that's fucked. Is that a big win for Brandon F. Walker? At Brandon F. Walker? What?

Brandon outgrew the South. That's why he got rid of it. It's a big win. Dude, you might have to go back in there. I don't know. Dude, I don't know. I don't know. The yips.

You might have to go back. I have the yips. You're giving me the yips. Yeah, he is. You're really giving me the yips. I like you in here, Chet. So do dude. The yips. You wanted to go back. I have the yips. You're giving me the yips. Yeah, he is. You're really giving me the yips. I like you in here, Che. So do I. So do I.

I love Stephen Che, but your aura is fucky right now. It is. Fucky aura. That's a good exercise. Two truths and a lie. It's a strong aura. Your aura is fucking, your gravitational pull is crazy. He's a dom.

Yeah, he must be a dom. He's got that dom top energy. We need to bring up Stephenven chay's daycare id picture oh boy bad boy oh boy shit how do your teeth look worse than that i don't know your teeth don't even through that british filter on you it definitely looks like a filter that shit was fucky it was seriously fucky yeah mad fucky it wildly fucky. Why do you have to get an ID picture taken to go into a daycare? They just can't let regular people. Any random pervert in there?

I feel like with perverts, though, it is usually someone you know, though. It's not like a random person that's coming in. Perpetrator is someone you know. Well, perverts are shy by nature. That's why it's the ones, they get to to know you and then they're smacked with it. That is true. Or except for flashers but you don't really see

flashers anymore. Are flashers yeah flashers are under the pervert umbrella. There used to be a Swiss cheese flasher in Philly. A dude who would just

Hail that me! A dude would just pull up with fucking Swiss cheese on his dick and show it to show it to women. Like through one of the holes of the cheese? I think it was just draped Swiss cheese with fucking Swiss cheese on his dick and show it to women. Like through one of the holes of the cheese? I think it was just draped.

Swiss cheese was just draped on his dick, and he did it to like 13 different women before they caught him. His room temp? Yeah, or I think it was hot cheese, honestly. I think it was like a little bit sweaty of cheese. I would have to droop. SC. A summer. So his dick was hard?

I think his dick was hard. He was kind of a fat dude, and he just had some Swiss cheese on his dick. But I think that it was like a small enough crime where he served his time, and now he's just back out in general population right now. How fat was he? Did he see the cheese? Yeah, maybe the cheese was there. He was so embarrassed.

He was like, yeah, that's my thing now. Flashing is not good. Mooning is okay. Mooning's funny. Mooning is funny. I think I mooned this show I think I mooned this show before Yeah

A moon is a good It's a butt A man dubbed The Swiss cheese pervert Has pled guilty In Philadelphia court After being charged For flashing women

While holding pieces Of Swiss cheese Christopher Pagano 42 was charged With stalking And decent exposure Harassment Lewdness

Jeffrey Nadeau Was charged Chill bro Chill That shit's not fucking funny. Yeah, don't do that. He's not jumping in that jumpsuit. He's going to steal your boy.

He's down like 100. Ever do you like the Harlem Shake during that craze, Ebony? A little funny group dance to the drop of Harlem Shake by Bauer. Can we pull up the picture of the dude? Because someone took a picture of the guy. Oh, do you see the cheese? You see the cheese? Do you see the cheese?

Yeah, he's dangling the piece of cheese. Oh, he's in a car. Yeah, he's in a car. That was like Don Vito. Oh, that's hilarious. He would pull up in his car with a piece of Swiss cheese and ask the girl if they were trying to. It's a 10 out of 10 for originality.

Yeah. Yeah, it's super original. Not even that perverse. Yeah, I'd be fine with that. People are kink shaming this poor guy. Yuckin' his yum. Yeah, honestly, $20 to rub Swiss cheese on his penis. That was his offer.

Maybe he just had to offer more money. How much would it cost you to rub Swiss cheese on somebody's penis? You're not actually touching the penis. The cheese is acting as a buffer. As a buffer. Dude, Swiss is thin. You're not actually touching the penis. Rub it on them? The cheese is acting as a buffer. As a buffer. Dude, Swiss is thin. You gotta just place it on. It's your Jimmy Buffer.

It's not a piece of gouda we're talking about. You just gotta drape it on? Yeah, yeah. I mean, this looks like a thick cut piece of Swiss cheese. Like, he's holding it

like a fucking... This looks like a shower curtain. It's thick. I'd give him a Colby Jack. But I don't think I'd go Swiss. You could probably hide most of it with a Barada.

Definitely. A Barada would be so... The structural integrity. Yeah, you had the bus open. But that's probably the same consistency as a Barada. This thing? Yeah, kind of. Do you guys think Omegle and those kind of things killed Flashers?

You don't have to leave the comfort of your own home to be a Flasher anymore. That's true. It was an active man's game until then. Sorry, Rowan. What was that picture that you wanted to see? It's the Swiss cheese pervert. If you just type in Swiss cheese pervert, it'll be the first thing that comes up. Or you could just pull up Steve Chay's babysitting pictures.

They need to come up with more creative names for scoundrels like that. Swiss Cheese Pervert? It's a perfect name. Yeah. It gets right to the point, and you never forget it. I don't think it's meant to be catchy. I think it's meant to identify. Dude, I think that, yeah, it is kind of the perfect name.

We got to see the Swiss cheese pervert. And I don't think other perverts have as good and memorable names as that. Perverts should have sweet-ass names. Every other pervert just slips through the cracks. Perverts are so demonized. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

There he is. Ugly pervert. That's not even the picture I was talking about. That's hilarious. Look at the soul in his eyes. Walk over confused. What the fuck? What's going on, sir?

You walk in. He's just got his wrench out on his cheese. That guy's funny. There's other pictures of him, too. Where's he at now? Is he in jail? No, I think he's out. He's out of jail. Because you can't,

how much time can you give someone for being a Swiss cheese pervert? It's not that bad. It's bad, but it's not that bad. He's not evil, but he sure as hell is pesky. Yeah. He's just a pest.

A little bit cheeky and a little bit cheesy. Yeah, he's cheeky and cheesy. Rowan, do you know the guy who roasts people's shoes in a beautiful singing voice on TikTok? Dude, I don't think I do. Like, this is the one. This is the picture.

Oh, no. He's got a dick. So here's the thing. They could have just used a regular rectangle for his penis. They're like, nah, this guy. I love how they snapped a picture of him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's multiple people who snapped multiple pictures.

That means he was lingering for so long. And it wasn't bothered by people. He probably got off by the fact that people were taking pictures of him. Poor guy. Now he can't even, well, actually, he probably just pays sex workers to do it. Probably. It was probably his kink to do, I guess, ask random women. Hey, he probably got off on the nose.

But I haven't seen you getting off on the nose. Oh, no, I know, apostrophe S. Also, ew. But, KB, what's this guy who would sing about people? Oh, he's like, he like, How you do-do-doing? Who's that coming off the pick and roll? Oh, on the actual street.

Yeah, he points with his middle finger. He's so funny. I think I have seen that. And they don't know what to say. They're like super confused. I feel so bad for the guys. Yeah, we got to quote some of this. Do any of your kids point with their thumb

over their index finger? Some of mine does. A lot of kids are doing it now. It's like that over their index finger? Tell them mine does. Why? What is that? A lot of kids are doing it now. It's like that's their dominant finger from video games and stuff. We probably need the video. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Send it to us. EJ's out today. Email it to us. Sully, his name is https.de-T-P-S Dot Deez nuts Dot com One Who else Let's finish off The dumbest in the office list

I didn't even know Fasoli was in here But yeah My bad brother You know I don't mean it He's right behind me Isn't he Who else

Who else KB You're on a roll I'm starting to think Like who's not dumb Who'd you say so far Fasoli He's right behind me, isn't he? Who else? Who else, KB? You're on a roll. I'm starting to think, like, who's not dumb? Who'd you say so far? Sully? You think everybody's dumb like that? People are just dumb out here.

People are just dumb in the world. I was so off on my assumption of what the 1950s, what was going on in the 1950s. I researched it. It was like 1801. People were giving me a lot of credit by saying I confused it with the 1850s No, I just thought that was the 1950s Yeah, you didn't confuse it Those Jell-O mold dinners?

What did you think? What year is that from? Probably 60s, 70s 19, right? Yes So I was right about that Yes So I had a lot of correct opinions

What were your opinions? Was it common to have hot water in the 50s? Yeah. I think. Yes, definitely. I know nothing about the 50s. I think milk was cheaper than water.

Okay. Did homes have air conditioning most? No. No. They didn't have shit in the... They had those shitty fans. I feel like air conditioning is like the 70s and 80s.

Yeah. Okay, then I was right. It got good in the 80s with Reagan. It brought up like the plague. I did, yeah. The black plague. Oh, no. That was the 80s.

It was the 80s plague. It was, low-key. But it was also... I heard it was completely fabricated. Yeah, just like i think it was kicked off youtube site no no no it just it's it affected like uh just millions like you know like maybe a couple million max couple milli still kicking maybe no i think it was maybe half a million half a million out i'd be out you know what i've realized

is that uh the more I like people right when I meet them the worse people that they are like if somebody's likable right away it's hard to like them forever

if you start liking someone right away like after like two days they're way too much and if you don't like someone right away there might be something there

I love warming up to somebody yeah that's a theory I've been toying around with. Yeah, that's true, but my intuition is usually correct. Likable people are unlikable. Okay.

There are some people that are outliers, though. That makes the rule true. Like what? Maresh. You went on a Maresh cake. Can we get Maresh in here? Is that your buddy who I met? Yeah.

He's the all-time best dude. Yeah, Maresh texted me the other day. Asked him what I was up to. I was like, what? He did? Yeah. What were you all-time best dude. Yeah. Everyone knows him. The other day, I asked him what I was up to. I was like, what? He did? Yeah. What were you up to? Nothing.

I wasn't doing anything. That's classic Reshi. He's an impressively kind person. Come on now. I love kind people. He bought us drinks. He bought like a round of like 10 drinks. I was like, oh, I can give you money.

He goes, it's just money. I was like, that's a cool guy. Is he Indian? He did. He did. I feel like Indian dudes have that attitude about money and are really kind. Why don't we have more

Indian bros in here? There is a lot of them. Yeah. Statistically? Yes. They're either rich as hell or poor as hell. There's no in between

with Indians. I think there is, actually. I think there's every level. There is, yeah, there is. Totally. I feel like I meet someone and I actually. I think there's every level. There is. Yeah, there is. Totally. I got to go. I feel like I meet someone and I know if I'm going to like them, and that is pretty solid in the first five minutes of meeting them. I don't do.

It almost never changes. Some people can go through the motions of meeting. Some people are really good at meeting people. And after that, suck as people. I know a few. It's true. I don't want to go past meeting people most of the time. I want to meet you and it's like, that's enough.

You can tell when- I don't want to develop a friendship. You can tell when someone read that How to Win Friends book. Yeah. They say your name back to you. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, I hate it. Like touch with two hands.

Touch with two hands. It's really nice to meet you. Nick, it's nice to meet you, Nick. How are you doing, Nick? Asking open-ended questions about your life. People love to talk about themselves. And I'm like, no, I don't. Yeah, only say statements.

I hate it. Yes, and you. Man, that is fucked. I'm so interested in every one of the statements you've all made because it shows a deeper philosophy on life. Like, I want to know more about you thinking that you know you like someone right away in five minutes and then you don't know if you're going to like them or dislike them for the entirety of your relationship with them.

What are you looking at my phone for? What are you looking at? KB's trying to read her phone. You're all in my shit. You got a picture of a man. Why are you all in my shit though? Show me who that is. None of your goddamn business.

None of your business. Is that a mug shot? Why are you in my phone for? What are you looking at? I was watching porn in the beginning, bitch, but you ordered my business. Goddamn. I can't do nothing. She can't do shit without fucking porn.

All right, yeah, look at your phone. Looking over her shoulder, trying to see what porno she's watching, touching his dick while he's watching. Touching his dick. Shay, were you canoodling with the enemy yesterday? Technically, yes. What does that mean? Who's the enemy?

They went to a magic show. What? Steve. A gathering? I mean, it was a gathering. There were several magic shows. There were several what? It was Magic the Gathering?

Oh, no, no, no. What manor were you playing? It was a magic show. Somewhere in the city. What was it? What magic was it? And what level of magic was it very high level illusionist street magic sleight of hand all of them it was all of them wait so it was multiple magicians yes it was um some hotel near here actually the fam uh yeah my wife got it for me for my birthday a couple months ago and we picked uh yes you celebrated your birthday during her birthday week yes selfish uh actually not very very cost efficient

yeah you should be oh because of the hurricane what were they like you guys need to cut some corners we have one birthday this year whole family you want a basement and two births? You want a basement and one birthday or no basement and two birthdays? Yours is yours. But it was cool. There were illusionists, mentalists, sleight of hands people, fire people. Oh, fire people. Yeah.

It was quite a scene. Some guy did a Rubik's Cube in like three seconds. That's not magic. That's a dork. That's just magic. But then he made the... The dork. The dork. That's just a loser. He gave someone the Rubik's Cube at the table to mix up, and then he put another Rubik's Cube through his jacket sleeve,

and then it came out exactly as that one did. It was wild. That's magic. Yeah. That's cool. What did you drink there? Was it like a green glowing drink, like absinthe or some shit? I didn't drink anything. They didn't have any sort of potions? It's a magic drink.

What was the dress code? What were people wearing? I wore what I wore. I wore the Eric outfit I wore yesterday. The one that was similar to our CEO. The Eric outfit. That one's cool. Got a body for sweaters.

Yeah, it was nice. It was definitely a good crowd. It was like 120 people, and I think there were 15 or so magicians. We only saw about six of them. They came around to each table. It was very cool. Oh, it's intimate. It was where they do a – there was a stage, but then they broke out into intro groups.

It was like 90 minutes. Did you get your mind read? Actually, yes. Did you get your mind wiped? It yesterday yeah yeah i was trying to think about what technically it was some guy came some guy came to the table with an envelope and had my name on it what the fuck and then how could he have known that that's crazy you bought the tickets venues don't get a list my wife wife did. Well, no. What? You didn't even buy the tickets. But in the envelope, he asked some question that we had to guess a number with.

It was like, how many days have I performed here? And everyone around the table guessed. I gave my guess. And he was like, someone here is very close. And he passes the envelope to me. And he wrote the number down in the envelope before he passed it to me. And he goes, you're Steve, right? And I was like, yeah.

And he was like, open the envelope. My guess was 39. The answer was 37. He was like, on the card in the envelope, it said off by two. Wow. He said Steven off by two. It was awesome. I would highly recommend it.

It's where they do Sleep No More. Same place. I don't know what Sleep No More is. Yeah, what is that? Some weird walkthrough play type thing. Oh. That's crazy. Ebony, do you like magic?

I don't care for it. Yeah, I'm a good figure. I'm going to beat around the bush. If I did a magic trick for you right now, how would you do that? She would sprint to Hempstead. I don't really care for magic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ask me something better. What about you, Zah? That's taboo. Zah believes in all that shit. He likes all that shit. Zah just curses. I don't believe it. He likes all that shit.

You don't believe it. It's just taboo. You just shouldn't use it. I don't fuck with it. Nick, remind me what your first AIM screen name was. Sarmati, 628. Siegfried and Roy, Masters of the Impossible. I swear to God, I don't know what happened that made me heterosexual.

Some sort of wire that crossed. Your parents must have loved you so much. Yeah, something went awry. I was on the trajectory to be the gayest man. I supported you and loved you. That's awesome. I know what it was. It was the 2000 Guinness Book of World Records

most expensive bikini. That's the best one. Oh, wait, the shiny-ass book. I had that exact same book. I had the Sports Illustrated huge book, and there was a section that had every swimsuit cover. Oh, nice. Wait, what was the most expensive bikini?

It was this diamond-ass bikini. Diamond a blonde woman was wearing. And it was in this book that kind of purported as a fact book, but you cracked it open to somehow the center page, and it's so fucking It was the very center page where the stitching was.

What else do you remember from 2001? Saffron is like the most expensive spice or was. Sultan of Brunei is like the richest man in the world at that time. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, 2000, not 2001.

Okay. I had that book too. Sully! Wait, he's going to hand me a card that says off by one. Holy fuck. How hard could it be

to be a mentalist though That Probably pretty hard You think so Have you Did you watch that movie The mental Or what's that movie

CBS show Machinist What even is a mentalist Oh there's a movie No no no There's a movie that was just The alchemist Close close

Elchemist Close close The illusionist The illusionist No no no no no It's one that came out this year And Bradley Cooper was in it. Yoda?

That's the one where he's the elephant man? Now You See It? No, no, no. Now You See It 2? It's with the bad guy from Devil Wears Prada. Bad vegan? Yes, that one. It's called The Mentalist. It was on CBS.

No, I'm not talking about it. I'm talking about a film where a guy becomes a mentalist. Nightmare. Monk. Nightmare Alley. Thank you, Zah. I don't even know what a mentalist is. It's just someone who fucks with you?

Yeah, someone who fucks with you yeah someone who fucks with you and like pretends to know what's in the bag or like has an assistant that tells them that you were too off

or something like that it's just like little tricks that you like can guess someone's age or some shit like that I don't know it's all tricks

yeah I mean they were up front about that we're tricking you I mean they're called tricks was it an aura was there like a dark aura to the to the room there was like red deep purples and shit like that velvet there was that but it was just like old time there's a guy playing uh there's a guy playing a piano piano it was working

and he would play during people's sets thanks for for saying it was working. Like a player piano? Like a fake piano? No, I mean, he was a real dude. But he was dressed like old-timey. Any ghosts? Kind of. Any ghosts afoot? Not that I saw.

Would you be shocked if there was a ghost there? No, I believe in ghosts. You don't? Of course I do. I've seen a ghost. What? Yeah, a long time ago. My parents' house.

Wild. What was the ghost? Spill. I was asleep, and I was facing this way, and I had a window over here. And I woke up in the middle of the night. It was like 3.09 or something like that, and I had a clock next to my bed so I could see it. And I like turned my head and it looked exactly like, what are those bad guys in Harry Potter?

The mentors? It looked like basically an outline of a dark shadow. And I saw it. I got shit scared out of me. I was completely frozen, couldn't move. And I was like that for- Sleep paralysis? Was it sleep paralysis? I want to say like a minute and a half. And then finally I was able move, and I was like that for... Sleep paralysis? Was it sleep paralysis? I want to say like a minute and a half, and then finally I was able to turn and it was gone.

Have you ever wondered if maybe that was your ghost and you've been dead for over 20 years? It's actually pretty cool. I mean, this feels fine, so I'm good with it. Yeah, maybe you're in heaven right now. What if you've been in heaven this entire time? This is heaven. I've had some unenjoyable days. Like what? Like what days? I've had some unenjoyable days. Like what? Like what days?

I mean, actually, I enjoy life. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. You might be in heaven. I'd be pretty sick. I mean, they wouldn't let the Rams beat us like that in heaven. But it just makes this one taste that much sweeter. The sweet isn't as sweet without the sour.

Vanilla Sky. Tom Cruise. Yeah, very good movie. Vanilla Twilight. Owl City. You knew that. I know. Very well.

What's Owl City? They sing Fireflies. He sings Fireflies. Yeah, you knew that? You knew that too. Very well too. Don't try to confuse. Man, I'm tired of being like a dude. Don't try to mince words.

I want to get things wrong every once in a while, and I just can't. Can't do it. You're like Encyclopedia Brown. That's right. He used to pose things as a question, even though he knew that it was true, just to make other people feel smarter. I don't do that. You don't remember Encyclopedia Brown?

I remember him. You were at Encyclopedia Brown? What a him. You were at Encyclopedia Brown? What a reference. Remember Carmen Sandiego? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Very sexy. Stacked.

Stacked. She had fat titties on her, I believe. Her or April from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Which one? Head to head. Carmen's mysterious. I'm taking April. I'm taking April.

April was stacked too, though, bro. She's hanging around fucking monsters and mutants all day. She's going to see me and think I'm stunningly beautiful. Pull up both of those sets of heavies. Smack them on. Wait, what heavy are you talking about? Carmen Sandiego. Carmen Sandiego versus April from the-

Found and Down? Oh, April Buchanan? No, chill, bro. I'm talking about cartoons exclusively. Oh. It's hard to show your massive titties underneath of a red raincoat, too. No, but you knew she had... She didn't need to flaunt them. She's like Dolly Parton.

She covered those things up. Everybody knows Dolly Parton has monster titties. Yeah, but she's conservative about them. What? She's always in things up here. That's because she's got the tattoos, though. I don't know if I can show some of these pictures. Show it. You don't have to turn off safe.

We've got the air masturbator. We'll be fine. It's Fridays, huh. You don't have to turn off safe search. We got the air masturbator. We'll be fine. Friday's, huh? I mean, it's... I don't know if you can see. Fastoolies. Fastoolies. Oh, yeah.

Throw those on. Oh, that's just... Is that porn? Okay, no porn. Put on safe search. Put on safe search. That's what you said. That's not result number one.

Carmen Sandiego. That was the first result for Carmen Sandiego. Which one of you turned off safe search in the beginning? I typed in Carmen Sandiego plowed porn up. turned off safe starts in the beginning? I typed in Carmen Sandiego plowed porn hub.

Curiously beating off in that room. Somebody definitely is. Pull them up. I want to see these hooters. Carmen Sandiego just as is. I'm not saying, I'm not an overly sexualized San Diego and not an overly sexualized April. Just how she was.

Look at that. That's revamped. Thisized April. Just how she was a child. That's revamped. This is revamped. It's clearly a reboot. This is before the woke model in cartoons. Yeah, that's some woke shit.

Bullshit, bro. Fucking LGBTQ or whatever. Too many letters. Am I fucking right, Pat? I swear to God, it's fucking... Where does it end?

You guys see the guy who came out as queer? Yeah, oh my God. He's like a... In the military? A journalist or something? Something. He came out as queer because he likes a variety of women. That's fine.

He's never been attracted to a man. I always thought that queer just meant nerdy gay. Like Spider-Man. I have no idea what it is. What is it? I thought queer is a little bit like gothy, like like nerdy gay. Spider-Man. I have no idea what it is. What is it? I thought like queer is like a nerd. It's like a little bit like gothy, like a nerdy gay. Do you not know what queer is?

I have zero idea. That's what it is. That can't be it. Queer is like you. Like a guy named Tom. If a girl is queer, she's got like the hair, like the green hair. Like thick glasses and like you're named Tom and you wear a sweater. Like a queer guy is a guy who like will like will say he's bisexual, but he's definitely gay.

But he's into Magic the Gathering and sci-fi. It's like a nerdy. So like the lead singer of Weezer. Yeah, he spells it T-H-O-M. Reverse Cuomo? Reverse Cuomo. Say reverse Cuomo. Reverse Cuomo.

Reverse Cuomo. This is April? So that's April. I mean. She's looking butch for me. Yaddy, y Reverse Cuomo. Reverse Cuomo. This is April? That's April. I mean. She's looking butch for me. Butch? Yeah, she's butch as fuck with those cargo pants. I need to know.

It's a body suit. It's early 90s. She's got cargo pants on her thighs. She's got the camcorder. Oh, I thought it was a gun. I thought that was a gun, too. She looked like Samus from N64. Either way, she could shoot me.

If Samus is on a multitude of platforms. What is queer? What is queer? I think it's just fat, odd, and gay man, but I know what queer is. Strange, odd. The first definition.

Just means a bit much. Had a queer feeling. A bit much. It's giving... So it's that much. It's giving queer. This is giving queer. Maybe leave some of the crumbs.

Who came out, like a celebrity came out as demisexual? Demi Lovato. She's pan. Oh, shit. I should call her pan. That'd be sick. Shawn Mendes. I don't, demisexual.

There's no way that dude could even pick up a football. Shawn Mendes can't even hold a pigskin. Wouldn't that be... He'd run an out route. Everybody? He gets me. I'm waiting with bated breath for this. Carmen, I'll pull her up.

Carmen. What's pansexual? It's where you fuck everything. Everything. Is your sexually attracted to cookware? Steven, Steven, Steven. That's why we brought you in here, brother. Yeah, you could be.

I don't know. There's a lot of different definitions, so. It's everything. Pan's everything. Like Pangea. Correct. Pan-am. Nicky, you thinking of Cuomo's daughter?

What? Oh, yeah. Look at her. Wait, Cuomo's? No, as in demisexual. Oh, no. De Blasio's. We're talking about rivers.

I thought it was De Blasio's daughter. No, it's Cuomo's. It's Cuomo's? Cuio. We're talking about rivers. I thought it was de Blasio's daughter. No, it's Cuomo's. It's Cuomo's? Cuomo's daughter's demisexual? What type of shit is de Blasio's daughter? Michaela came out as... That's de Blasio too. Michaela Cuomo came out as demisexual apparently.

What does demi mean again? In order to be with somebody, you have to be sexually attracted to them. Oh, yeah, yeah. I forgot to do that a few times. The first episode of Carmen Sandiego was called Bathing Booty in 1993. 93 was a different time. Okay. The Pirates Plunder.

Yeah, she was a little minx. Yeah, she was. What was she running from? Yeah, what was she running for? There she is. Maybe she was chasing chasing a dream chafing well what is uh there's a girl so why was it okay so she's more more bottom heavy yeah she she's thick was she a villain she presented as a villain but maybe she was just a girl boss

oh that's probably true maybe the world wasn't ready for a girl boss at that time, so they villainized her. Or Reading Rainbow. Yes. Great theme song. Big T, he's obsessed with it. Reading Rainbow? Yeah. Does he actually?

Seems odd. Does he hate it? Well, he thinks a lot of people don't know what it is, and he was shocked to figure that out. There was a queer black man who hosted that show. He's not gay. LeVar? Is he not? No. He's queer. He's queer. Just a little man who hosted that show. He's not gay. LeVar? Is he not? No. He's queer.

Just a little off. He's not gay. He's queer. Strange. Take a look. It's in a book. Reading Rainbow. Reading Rainbow.

I can go anywhere. You didn't watch Reading Rainbow? I'm lost. What were you watching as a kid? Bluestools and shit. Barney. You're kind of a good singer. I was about to say, does he have perfect pitch?

Yeah. Yeah, you're like the Charlie Puth of the show. Can you meet me right here? Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Yeah.

Damn, that was beautiful. She screams. What's your go-to karaoke? I want to be really good at Bare Naked Ladies one week. That's my goal. It's banned. It's banned. I'll do it.

I can do that because it's not technically singing. Or auctioneering. I think it's savory. But yeah, that would be a lot to memorize. But once you have it, you can have it for life. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be a goal. I don't know about my karaoke.

I haven't done karaoke in a very long time. Many Men? 50 Cent? No, I don't think so. Good song, though. Great album. Oh, yeah. Great album.

I love that shit. I used to fucking love that shit. Before 50 Cent got fucking soft and went corporate. I like that hard shit. It got me upset that people were calling him fat at the Super Bowl. He looks good. He was husky. I mean, he's just always been kind of jacked, and I thought he kind of looked like that.

It's tough to get it. Once you get muscles, what happens to them? You know what I mean, he's just always been kind of jacked, and I thought he kind of looked like that. It's tough to get it. Once you get muscles, what happens to them? You know what I mean? Do you have to keep them sculpted at all times, or do they just turn into fat arms? Bodybuilders live in hell. They seem like they're always in pain. You reach a limit to what your physique can be, and then you just have to sustain it the rest of your life and eat boring foods for the rest of your life.

But they don't live very long, do they? I don't know. Bodybuilders? I don't think so. Powerlifters don't live very long. You ever see that documentary on him? Because he literally lifted himself into paralysis. Because his joints are too big or his joints are too stressed or his muscles

are too big. Like bones are fucked up from lifting his joints. Is he the one that's also a cop? Who's the one that's a cop? Yeah. Him in his cop uniform looks hilarious. Yeah. It's a joke. Yeah, he's just too big.

I feel like he couldn't catch you if you just walked behind him. It would take him a while to just turn around with his big ass body. I also feel like there's this misconception that dudes who are like, you can't be in good shape and be funny. And I feel like a lot of people who are comedians and bodybuilders share the same trait in that they just hate themselves, and that's why they do it.

And I feel like you should be able to be like, look at KB. He's in good shape, and he's funny. I agree with that, though. I don't want to laugh at a comedian if they're in good shape. You don't? Whenever fat comedians get skinny, they're less fun.

Yeah, if I see an in-shape comedian, I hate you. Really? You don't? Whenever fat comedians get skinny, they're less fat. Yeah, if I see an in-shape comedian, I hate you. Really? I don't want to laugh at you. What about that fucking one Italian dude? What about Kumail Nanjiani? I'm so sick of people who play up the gross look. They try hard to be gross

and wear shitty clothes. It's a cope. It's a cope. It's human nature to loathe everybody It's a cope. Yeah, but I think it's human nature to loathe everybody that's more attractive than you, right? So it makes you unlikable if you're good looking? Yeah. Interesting.

I always liked Francis. He's ripped. He's a comedian. You think he's good looking? Yeah, Francis. He's got red hair, but that's tough for a dude. Tough lot in life? Yeah.

And do you think that's why he lifts so much? I think he was always going to be like that if he had blonde hair. Brown hair? What if he had black hair? Same. He would lift that much? You and Francis were cool, right? I hated Francis.

You know that. Why? Everybody fucking knows that. I know, I know. Why'd you hate Francis? His face is annoying He's just fucking Hi I'm Francis

Nobody gives a fuck That is how He was like that He was always like that He was almost like His calling card Yeah he's so annoying He was just introducing himself

Like he'll like Let everybody know Hey look I got some new sneakers Like you trying to be down Nobody gives a fuck We understand you're rich You got the golden spoon bitch Shut the fuck up

Sick of him I'm happy he fucking i'm happy they fired his ass i thought you were gonna say but then i'm tired of talking about him much energy so i'm redeeming i was i was upset i went on twitter i saw him i was like block block please block i don't why the fuck do i still he's just popping up yeah he's just fucking annoying his hair irritates me his His face, his nose, everything about him. What about his voice? You know, bro.

You know how he used to come to office. That's my Francis. That's good. Your turn, Kyle. I can't do impressions. Try one. The whole world's gone crazy.

Awesome woman in Pennsylvania. Who is that? The Joker? You know who in Pennsylvania. Who is that? You know who it was. Who was it? It's Libby Soprano every time. Oh, really? It's the only impression

he does, but it's spot on. Spot on. The only one I could do is the guy from Hacksaw Ridge. He refused to kill people in battle. What did he sound like?

Yeah. And he would just go, I got one more. Those boys are just getting blown up and shot in the head. That was good. Was that Andrew Garfield in Hacksaw Ridge?

No, that was me doing an impression of me doing Andrew Garfield in Hacksaw Ridge. Because it plays. It felt like you doing an impression of you doing an impression of Andrew Garfield

in Hacksaw Ridge. I did it at a family party. It ripped. Really? Hacksaw Ridge was the one where they had to climb up a ladder or some shit, like a 110-foot ridge or some shit. I only saw the trailer. You never watched all of Hacksaw Ridge? You can do that impression based off a trailer alone?

It's good. It's a whole trailer. You're natural. God damn. You ever see that video of the soldier who's climbing a ladder and they get their head blown off and the body keeps on climbing for two more steps? No. I don't want to see that.

What's that on? It's probably LiveLeak. LiveLeak. That's an old school website. It was a classic. It blew my mind, though, and his, but also mine, that the body can just do that. It has a little bit of natural instinct. Take some steps. It blew my mind, though, and his, but also mine, that the body can just do that. It has a little bit of natural instinct.

Takes some steps. The body wants to climb. It seeks air ground. I can't climb a ladder. What? I saw a guy outside climbing a 24-meter ladder. It's scary. My phobia is so bad, I can't even. The high dive, the last step, there was a bigger space.

I couldn't do that. That's scary as hell, though. High dive? You died on our high dive. I could jump off the high dive, like the last step, there was like a bigger space. I couldn't do that. That's scary as hell though. High dive? You died on our high dive. I could jump off the high dive. No problem. I couldn't climb up it. How high was it?

It's not even that high. It's 75 feet. It wasn't that high, but he just like fell off the side onto the concrete. I'm a realist. I hate daredevils. I think you're stupid and I hate you. You hate Jeff Donnie? People who, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. The people who like, fucking Jeff Donnie. Are cool and like, hang from buildings. I want to see those people die. And they do die. Yeah. Like half of them die.

Why do you hate them though, if they're going to die anyway? Stop doing that. Those wingsuit guys. You know, your friends who- A wingsuit is like the, that's the coolest shit you can do. No, it's not.

Flying in a wingsuit? No, it's not. Hugging the corner of a mountain? The coolest thing you do is just be a good person. No, it's not. Flying in a wingsuit? No, it's not. Hugging the corner of a mountain? The coolest thing you do is just be a good person. That's boring as fuck. Yeah, it is. That's the coolest thing

anybody can do. What's the coolest thing someone can do? Be a little ratchet. Be outside. You know, just do a little bit of that shit. Be outside.

Be outside and be a little ratchet? You don't like what I say, KB? You're a little fucking ratchet. That's why I kinda like you. I have like mood swings with you. It's like I like you. It's like a love-hate relationship. Right now why I kinda like you. I have like mood swings with you. It's like I like you. It's like a love-hate relationship. Right now, I kinda hate you.

I'm not gonna lie. But what about compared to Francis, though? There's no comparison. I hate that motherfucker. KB never comes on with shoes on. Fucking being like, Lou, look at my shoes. Nah, KB's just...

Why you keep looking at my titties? Got some new shoes? Like, he just keep looking. Every time I look, he's just glancing. If you want to see it, just, like, we have phone booths here. I can't just say that. No one is here. You understand why I can't just say, show me your titty.

I don't think I could do that either. He's looking at me, then he's just like, boobs. Francis knew you hated him, though. I told him I hated him. I didn't show him. Like, how soon into knowing him? Probably, like, the fourth day of him working in Barstool. Yeah, so you gave him a chance. I tried. You were there. I tried. I remember, of him working in Barcelona. So you gave him a chance?

I tried. You were there. I tried. I remember like it was yesterday. You were giving him a chance. You're like, I want to like this guy. Remember Ruben who worked the door at the old office? Aw, he was still, yeah.

Ruben? Ruben hated Francis. Yeah, he was always trying to fuck me. I don't know what it was with the old people. Yeah, he would always try and fuck you when he'd come on the radio. Yeah, all the old people. He would like hang around and like flirt with you. Like, where's Ebony?

Like, what the fuck? I laughed. I was like, this is uncomfortable. I gotta get out of here. Yeah, he always said, where's Ebony? Like, what the fuck? Yeah, he would get, he said, in order to come on radio. I used to hate that shit.

Like, it's Ebony. In order to come on radio, we had to get him cigarettes. Ebony? Yeah, he was like, I'm gonna hit Ebony. is that like a memphis twang i don't know what it was yeah that's went from telling me that to like hey ebony like you know he's trying to hit yeah he was trying to hit all the time he's like you know my wife and he's like my wife you know i used to you know i'm a dj i'm like i don't give a fuck he was uh he to my loose cousin. Now what you hear is not a test. That was a good impression. That was good.

That was good. Why did he hit France? The kind of DJ he's in. In his Stacey Adams suit or some shit like that. He even came to this office when we first started working here. When we opened up the office, he came here looking for me. Yeah, he came on breakfast. And we had to get him cigarettes and Hennessy to come on the show. And who he asked for?

Ebony. We had to send him a car and then he was like, I'm not calling on him to get me cigarettes. These are the breaks. Break it up. Like he was just dragging my...

He was doing too much. Really made me uncomfortable. And you know I like a little bit of everything. But you flirted with him a little bit. No, the fuck I didn't. I ain't gave him

no cold day in hell I did. Fuck out of here. What'd you just say? In a cold day in hell. Oh, yeah, yeah. here. What'd you just say? In a cold day in hell. Oh, yeah, yeah. You stupid. You dumb and stupid, KD. Stop.

Oh, my God. Please. You need to get back in there. Is this the guy, remember we went back to the old office to get something and there was one of the guys just taking a nap in the radio room?

It was him. No, he was like sleeping in, it was only the first, the second and third floor. Sleeping makes it sound bad. And we went in. He was taking a nap. Yeah, but he had like a setup. Like he had been sleeping there for a while. He slept there before.

The front door was just unattended. Ruben was just in bed. There was a bunch of Danny Dimes shirt wadded up into a bed. Yeah. Trying to unfold an Adderall diet crop top and it like rips. Oh, fuck. I miss him.

They welcomed him with open arms on Barstool Breakfast. Didn't they have him in? They were getting shit. I think they felt bad. I think they felt bad for him. He was a great radio guest. Yeah, because he used to tell people

whatever the fuck he wanted. Who was the guy in the booth for breakfast? Oh, Rod. Rod. That was Rod. He actually hit me up yesterday after I posted that story up. Rod?

Rod? Yeah, Rod hit me up. Yeah, Rod. Rod was trying to shoot his shot. Rod was trying to shoot the shot. Yeah, he was trying to shoot his shot. Remember at your birthday party? We met that pimp.

Yeah, in the bar. That wasn't Rod, but Rod was there. There was a pimp there. Yeah. How did you know he was a pimp? Because he in the bar. That wasn't Rod, but Rod was there. There was a pimp there. Yeah. How did you know it was a pimp? Because he was literally- It took me a while. It was literally like pouring out girls.

Yeah, they were in- It was like dive bar. We were like, what? He's like, you want this girl? We were like, I'm sorry, sir. Yes, but no. What was he talking about price-wise? We didn't get into it.

I didn't get into it. These gentlemen could have gotten into it. But he was- Did he dress like a pimp? I can't even really remember what it was. B.B. Simon belt? What do pimps wear these days? He was a modern day pimp.

He wasn't a 70s classic zoot suit. Right. He was modern day. I think he was in some publicity merch. I don't know. Yeah. I haven't seen publicity since Tuesday. I don't know. I haven't seen publicity since Tuesday. I fucking miss that bitch. She's working out of a coffee shop today.

Shots fired. It's true. She's really cool, though. I love her. Yes. She's our queen. Yes, keep it real, Ebony. Cool.

At least someone's keeping it real. What about Alex Bennett? You cool with her? Yeah. I don't know. I don't feel like you don't like bennett no comment okay uh hannah cook oh that's a that's like that's like oil and water her and ebony yeah which one's oil wait the weather girl yeah oh i punched her in the titty she like she like i punched her in the titty for one with that that does that answer the question yeah because, because I don't, yeah. I forgot I did that.

That's why. So I don't know if I really like her. What kind of punch? Did a hook jab? No, just like a little backhand. Yeah. Yeah, she was doing too much. She likes to like sit on my lap and shit.

Like, I like girls, but I don't like you. So like, this is weird. Oh, true, true. Well, treat them like dirt. They stick like mud, right? Right. Maybe that's why she's coming around so much. Maybe I should have pimped out, because I be pimping out my friends sometimes.

Not quite. Like the pimp. Like that pimp you were talking about. Sexually pimping. Yeah. I pimped out my friend for a bottle of Hennessy before. Damn. What's the post lady's name?

It's just a horny guy. Not Tiffany. Tiffany was trying to get with Zah. I remember that. Zah don't like... We didn't even want to talk about that. Zah was about to have breakfast at Tiffany's. Yeah, huh?

The breakfast was pussy. I know what type of time Zod's on. Oxtail omelet. He's permanently on demon mode. I know what the fuck's going on. Green Rock? Green Rock tonight, Zod? Bro, you know it.

I do. Fire up the table. The table? They give you guys deals on tables over there? Bro, we walk in through the kitchen. There's a table right at the back. Good fellas. Yeah, I was just saying.

Good fellas. At light. Good guy. Even without Marty there this weekend? Even without Marty there. Ebony, have you ever had any conversations with Nick Fasoli? Who's that? Yeah.

He's a handsome Italian man right behind you in the booth. Yeah. You talk to him? what boxes yeah that's all he has that's all he talks about all he knows or the box cutter or he wants me to put a camera there to like snitch on myself he's like hey i mean you're funny like maybe you should have a camera here i'm like i say things i say did you say that did you say that it's a wicked you can put it like under the desk like things that i say we can't i can't do it on air. Fasoli, did you say that? It's a wicked idea. You can put it under the desk. Things that I say, I can't say on air. Fasoli, how long have you been in Barstool? Almost a year?

How has it been for you so far? Can you tell us your progress? I feel like you're making good progress as far as getting in the cracks and picking up shifts, if you know what I mean. Yeah, it's been a great year so far. June 1st will be one year. This man, he still hasn't graduated college.

He's still taking classes. You are? Yeah, I graduated this May. Holy fuck, bro. Holy fuck. Wait a second. Did I just change my Twitter? What?

Oh, I just dropped the underscore. You lost your underscore? What do you mean? You didn't know that? I just got a text. I hated that. That's fire. At Nick has been inactive for almost two years.

Yo. Uh-huh. You lost your underscore. Do you remember when we interviewed on the same day? Yeah, so we did. Me and Owen back in what? 2018, 2019? Yeah. Yeah. we sat across from each

other and then neither of us got the job yep never give up i did i gave up yeah you did um well look at us now viva viva that's all you can say fucking viva bro someone start the chant you know fasoli can't read, but he can write That's crazy He has to like copy books and write them to understand them It's fascinating He goes food store shopping with a legal pad It takes him four hours

He puts a piece of white paper over the book And like traces the letters Then he can read them But then he has a copy of the book So he has two of every book One's just handwritten That's so weird Yeah

Probably more valuable Probably easier to remember what you read or you're right i guess because you're not reading anything in that scenario wow how'd you learn that about him i saw him just writing a book i said what is that he said i'm not sure yet he's trying to figure out how it how it ends what a paradox people have weird shit like that, though. The Lord works in mysterious ways. That's probably why he's so happy. Yeah. Jolliest guy I know.

Yeah, he's always smiling. I think that will come to a head at some point. In a bad, bad way. Yeah, I think in a bad, bad way. I and I have been nothing but dickheads to him on Rediscovering America, and we can't break him. Really? Turn breaks us. Damn. Look at him. Mitch Trubing America and we can't break him. Turn breaks us.

Damn. Look at him. Mitch Trubisky looking ass. Just smile him. Looking over his shoulder. Sexy like. What an absolute dog. What an absolute dog. Dude, I don't know how I spilled fucking coffee on this sweatshirt and on this new fucking shirt, dude. It's a tough day for me.

Shirt underneath? Yeah, got a new undershirt, new white undershirt. There's nothing that feels better than putting on a new undershirt. I think sex. What about sex? Oh, I forgot about that. Quenching thirst when you're super dehydrated is slightly better than calming, but those are the top two.

Some of my boys used to, my boy Sean used to say that taking a nice shit was better than nutting. I don't like that either, but my boy Sean used to say that. Maybe it's different for different people. Getting an ingrown toenail professionally taken out is the best. It was my pleasure, brother. Greatest source of relief. It was truly my pleasure.

If you feel one coming in, let it go in a little bit more so you can feel the pain and then get that instant relief. Nothing like it. A split second I piss myself at a rest stop urinal getting my dick out. Oh, yeah. That, yeah. Do you ever hold it a little bit longer even though you can piss? You edge my piss.

What about getting your neck cracked at the mall for a like a little kiosk 15 15 minute massage thing it was that wasn't the best feeling but it was one of the best massages ever best feeling of the day it was up there top five probably yeah top three speaking of paradox okay so it was top five not top three gotta get you out of those sneakers and into some Chelsea boots, Ebony. Paradox? Are you calling those Martins or Oxiders? Got to get you out of those kid shoes. What the fuck are those on your feet?

I mean, what the hell are those? Jack Harlow has them. That answer your question? No, because I don't know who the fuck that is. Yes, you do. No, the fuck I don't. Mantis's boy. Mantis's boy. Mantis's boy?

Oh, I forgot. I was about to say some mean shit about Mantis. Why? You can't. I never have. He's a white guy. Y'all be talking about people in here like, I don't know who the hell these people are. Mantis?

You know who he is. I know who Mantis is because I remember when he told me he came to the office to bring a girl here and he was like, Ebony, I bring a girl here and she gave me head and I was like, like that. And I used to make fun of him. He was please stop what was that that was a philepsy joke when she when she was like sucking on his neck that was the that was the face expression that he made like that's what oh when he got his neck sucked on yeah he was getting his neck sucked on i remember that yeah oh my god you guys watch him get his neck there's a video it was a video of him

i don't think there is any footage of that yes there is there 100% is yes there is it was like in the corner of a bar he was getting his neck sucked on it's kinda hot though

it was nothing hot about that shit it was good let me not say nothing Ebony all you need to do is tell him not to get it twisted one time when I seen it

I couldn't stop laughing because his neck was so fucking stiff and then I realized, duh, that's how his neck is. That was fucked up. I love Mantis. Yeah, I love Mantis. Yeah, I love Mantis.

I heard Chris DiStefano is opening up for Mantis when he goes to... See, that's funny. See, that's funny. See, that's funny. That's a funny joke. Did he actually apologize to you in the DMs? That's the fucking wackest shit I've ever heard.

I know, I was disappointed in him, kind of. But we're cool. Read the DMs out. You're chill. People are still tweeting about it. People are just still going back and forth being like, it's one of those beasts that you didn't even want to get into and now people are caping for you harder than you would have ever caped for yourself.

Yeah, a little too hard. Yeah. yeah like fucking kb's better known than him how is he not yeah stop that people really love you on instagram every time i post a story like kb gotta have that i'm like what the fuck yeah yeah send me like voice notes and shit like maybe gotta have that maybe everybody's right and you're wrong and he's very likeable. I don't want that, though. I don't want it. It's because you couldn't handle it. Handle what?

Whatever. I'm tired of talking about him and his stuff. Let's talk about something else. Yeah, you introduce a topic. War in Ukraine. Ukraine? Ukraine struck back. Did they?

Yeah. How'd they do it? They blew up a gas depot within Russian borders. They did? Two helicopters went in. What the fuck? Strategic. No civilian deaths.

Wow, you've been keeping up on your... Where do you get your world news from? WSJ. Own. The Street Journal? Mm-hmm. Damn, that is... Yeah, that's local news for you.

Yeah, you're right. Thanks for saying where I live. New York City. Thanks, man. Water Street. 315. Thank you, pals. Thank you, boys.

Oh, fuck. Sorry, Nick. Nah, it's all good. 351 West 48th. It's not like I wear round frame glasses in New York City. Nothing bad has happened to somebody there. That's facts. Actually, when he was

describing what queer was like earlier He was looking at me. He was looking at me. A few tweaks you could be queer. What are my tweaks? Twinks is the word. Couple tweaks. I would you'd have to get rid of that hat. That hat's too butch.

Yeah. I would go something a little more colorful. Okay. You'd just tighten up the clothes and you would be queer. You'd have to accessorize. Please. Please, man. Some like rings.

Your voice is chocolatey when it's deep. Every single time. I'm going a deeper octave every time he brings up something I should do. That shit sounds great, dude. Your shit's ringing right in my ears when you talk deep like that. All right, should we end the show? Nah. All right, let's keep pushing then.

Keep pushing. I'm going to pee and we'll keep going. No, if you have to pee, we'll end it. No, no, no. I just have been looking at that Yerba Mate that Owen's drinking and it's making me have to pee. Should we pee? I got to pee. Got to pee? I got to pee. You got to pee?

We got to pee, too. We're on the show? Fuck, dude. I'm sorry. It's all good. It's all good. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We're going to end the show. But in good news, we will be back next week to do more of the yak. No, we won't. Yeah. Oh, fuck. There will be no yak. Where are you hoping to end up Monday? I'm going to Villanova.

Oh, you're going to Villanova for sure? No matter what. I know we're going to end up in fucking Kansas. Yeah, if it's Kansas, you're fucked. Kansas. That's how I like to say it. Hell yeah. It's a little bit funnier.

It's a little bit funnier when you say it like that. But, yeah, I don't want to go i don't want to travel anywhere except for villanova i don't even want to what you do to north carolina oh yeah i guess i guess oh yeah oh where are you gonna go i'm going wherever nick and kyle go fuck yeah yeah squad squad squad you guys are the fucking squad. You want to come with us? Yeah, it's a shame we can't just all go together. Well, the thing is if... Yeah, yeah, we can't. Fuck.

I heard they're going to send Riley instead. Shout out to fucking Riley. Dude, have you guys noticed that game time has gotten tighter? They tightened back up and everybody is like everybody's boys again. Yes. They had the little kerfuffle or whatever, but now Smitty is linked in with Riley and Emrags. Is Smitty in there now? I think Noah's been a big part of that.

Noah's the galvanizer. Noah's great. I think they have a video coming out soon. They were just in Dallas. Who was? Jumbotron. What? Emrags, Troops, and Billy Football.

No way. Always be gaming. I fucking love those guys. My favorite video game of all time was Ratchet and Clank 2. And I'm curious what your guys were. My favorite video game? Steven, please.

I know you have this on the tip of your tongue. Madden. Year? Seven. Best year? 05 when Headstick came out. Mine's Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. Mine's NHL 2K11.

What? Just be gay for once. For once. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's The Sims. The Sims. It's Second Life. Oh, yes.

I liked FIFA. There was a FIFA that I really liked. Most fun I ever had playing video games. They help you learn the game of football as well. Football. Depressing to learn that the World Cup's going to go on in the middle of the winter this year. It's kind of whack.

It's during football season. Is that the only time it's like the temperature is like... Summer? Playable? No, it's not a summer thing. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Where are they doing it? It's hard.

Sorry, Pat. Are we boring you, bro? There we go. There we go. Jesus Christ they doing it? It's hard. Sorry, Pat. Are we boring you, bro? There we go. There we go. Jesus Christ. Fucking get some Yerba. I've been looking at that. Pour some Yerba into his mouth.

Get a little Yerba. There's a blow that's in your pocket. You do have Coke in your pocket. And probably in your nose. It's empty. I drink it all. That's a rude thing to do. Revelberry.

Wait, you have Coke in your pocket, Pat? No, these are all fake news. Oh, so you definitely do. Yeah. It's Pat. I got off the elevator today, and I was like, Pat fucked last night. Yes. Yeah, you did.

Right by my desk. It was confusing. His name was... Untrue. Alejandro? It wasn't Alejandro. No, it was Ruiz. Yeah, right. Ruiz. Ruiz is fucking engaged to a woman. That doesn't mean shit nowadays. No, it was Ruiz. Yeah, right.

Ruiz is fucking engaged to a woman. That doesn't mean shit nowadays. He's on the DL. Beards aplenty. Dude, I saw an old text from Ruiz the other day. It fucking blew my mind. She was like, when am I coming on the... What was he...

You guys need to interview me for this. And this was like 17 when he texted me that. Someday. I grow weary of everyone... Of the whole Ruui storyline, honestly. But I want to keep on doing this show, so I'm going to keep on talking. No, no, no. Go pee.

No, no, no, no, no. People have tuned out. What is Kyle doing? He's pooping. You think? Yeah. I do it for my squad. I do it for my gang.

Big Knicks game this weekend. Yeah, I mean, we're done. Mathematically eliminated, but for the playoffs, or for the lottery, rather. Yeah, yeah. Got a parlay live in the sportsbook. What do you got? What do you got? My favorite play tonight is Drew Eubanks.

Portland center, over 16.5 points. Got that, and I got two lines teased down. DeAndre, 8 and over 9.5 boards. And Marcus Smart, over 5.5 assists. Combined, and I got two lines teased down. DeAndre 8 and over 9.5 boards, and Marcus Smart over 5.5 assists. Combined, it's plus 340, I believe. Ebony, what were any of the words he just said? I wasn't listening. Am I wrong?

A Eubanks fellow related to the boxer? I don't know. Where did he go? West Virginia? That's E-banks. E-banks. Dang. You would know that. Yeah. With your fucking worldly ass. Yeah, that's e banks e banks dang you would know that yeah with your fucking worldly

ass yeah that's it coincidence you worldly bastards ebony what are you doing this weekend um i'm going out to dinner with my boyfriend um what you've been trying to fuck kyle for like an hour but he don't need to know that but But anyways, it's not like I'm. Your boyfriend's a huge stoolie, isn't he? No, he don't know nothing about barstool. But yeah, I'm going out with my boyfriend. Since when? I'm trying to get mouth pregnant.

Since when do you have a boyfriend? What's mouth pregnant? Like an ulcer? Trying to swallow cum. Trying to swallow that dick. Swallow the whole dick. In balls. A dick.

Because I'm generous. Yes. Yes. You know, I've been in a relationship for like three months now. Where are you guys going for dinner? swallow the whole dick the end balls I do cause I'm generous yes yes you know I've been in a relationship for like three months now where you guys going for dinner what type of spot is it um roof crisp

on the roof huh roof crisp no you're on the roof crisp um yeah I ain't trying to do too much this weekend trying to lay low

you getting a steak yeah I'm gonna get the steak well done hell yeah well done don't eat that pink shit I ain't trying to do too much this weekend. I'm trying to lay low. You getting a steak? Yeah, I'm going to get the steak. Miss steak. Well done? Hell yeah, well done. Don't eat that pink shit. You go well done on your steak? Hell yeah.

Are you shocked? I didn't know anybody did that. What do you mean anybody? It's an option. Yeah, I thought everyone was medium rare. So you let everybody like it bloody? Not bloody. I don't like that shit, no.

My meat has to be well done. You like some dark meat. I like dark meat. Yeah. Stephen Chay, how do you get your steak? Medium rare. Medium rare plus. Medium rare plus.

Medium rare plus. I can't always talk about it. It's like, it's not fully medium rare. It's a little closer to medium, but it's. You say that and they know what you're talking about? Is that a steakhouse? Yeah. Medium rare plus.

I don't like it. Where'd you go for dinner before Magic? Or you ate at Magic? No. Some place. I don't even know. Some Mexican place that had a very vanilla dish. Sounds memorable. Yeah, no, it wasn't. Vanilla beans?

Vanilla. Thank you. I appreciate you, my brother. Was that a call back to a post you said it was a vanilla dish and vanilla bean is where you get the vanilla flavor but beans are a mexican food oh i thought you're talking to me because there's an ice cream place that's where they got the cake the other day vanilla bean oh really i could see how that gets dude i i'm gonna get ice cream tonight i think not to really out myself but going to get, I think, a cone of ice cream this evening. Wow.

A cake cone or a regular cone? It's a cake cone. Yeah. Am I saying that right? Waffle cone? Waffle cone. Cake cone and waffle cone are the two kinds. Those are the two kinds.

Cake cone and waffle cone. Oh, no, you could also get sugar cone. Sugar cone. Sugar cone are the pointy boys. Cake cone are the ones that can stand up on their own. The pointy boys are bullshit. Those are the two con. Cake cone, waffle cone. Like a Mr. Soft sugar cone. Sugar cone or the pointy boys. Cake cone are the ones that can stand up on their own.

The pointy boys are bullshit. Oh, those are good. It's just the bottom of it. You don't even fill the ice cream all the way to the bottom.

Yeah. That's both. Then you get to the bottom. It's melty. It's a waste of time. Waffle, cake, sugar is what I would.

Is it worth vacationing in Germany? Do you think that there's anything good in Germany to vacation for or is it just like a stein? You just get a beer stein.

A beer stein and a pretzel. Yeah, I feel like that's not like... Is there like beautiful shit in Germany? Yeah, I think the mountains. No. Germany? Yeah. I feel like you go to Switzerland, get that same vibe.

Definitely. It's too evil. I feel like there's more fields. Have you? I've been to Frankfurt. It's kind of like here. Frankfurt is? Yep.

Kind of like New York. Okay. A little cleaner, though. If you get a pretzel on the street, is it like a giant pretzel? If you go to a hot dog guy in New York, you can get a pretzel, but then German Bavarian pretzels are like fucking huge. Big boys, yeah. Is it like that?

That's a dark question. I don't know. Did you get any pretzels on the street while you were in Frankfurt? I saw one in a glizzy's. This is't know. Did you get any pretzels on the street while you were in Frankfurt? I saw I was eating glizzies. This is a callback to 2001, I believe. 2001 was announced. Zah looked like a glizzy eater. He don't look like he eat pretzels. He eat glizzies.

Glizzies are hot dogs, right? Yeah. Like the glizzies. He's not denying it either. Look. Frank the Tank likes glizzies. We know Frank the Tank. I actually don't know what the fuck that is. He don't even chew.

He just vacuum cleaning them down. Glizzy master. He doesn't eat that many hot dogs I don't think.

Who's that? Frank. Frank the Tank. I mean like when he sits down like he has two hot dogs right? It's business.

I don't think you know that. I think that behind closed doors his hot dog eating habits are probably vastly different.

Right. It's a business. Or less. He doesn't film all the hot dogs he eats. How would he eat less hot dogs in private? I don't know. Well he said different. Right. It's a business. Or less. He doesn't give him all the hot dogs he eats. How would he eat less hot dogs in private? I don't know.

Well, he's so different. Yeah, I think that once he gets home alone and he can really tuck in a fucking napkin and put his elbows on the table, he could put down eight hot dogs. You don't think he could? Eight? Probably. I mean, a guy that's 49 and a half nugs. Yeah, that's what I mean. I think he could put Eat? Probably. I mean, a guy that's 49 and a half nugs. Yeah, that's what I mean.

I think he could put down eight hot dogs pretty easily. We need to have him eat. No way. You can't eat hot dogs. I don't think I could. Like Oscar Mayer hot dogs. You could eat with or without bread. With, I was assuming.

All right, next week you're eating eight hot dogs on the app. So is Frank. You can't make claims on the show. You, Owen, and Frank, next Thursday. You out next Thursday? We're out all next week. Owen is too? No, he's back.

Perfect. I'll do it. While you're out. I think I could beat you in tank, actually. Ooh. That would be a surprise. Yes. We'll just do like.

I can't eat hot dogs. Why not? So you could have eight. Oh, you're saying with TB12. Will we make an exception for some goofy shit for this show? All right. I'm still working on the terms. I'm in talks with them.

But yeah. Okay. Just write it into your contract. It can be in lieu of your birthday or some shit. All right. We'll figure it out. All right. Let's end the show. I'm talking like Oscar Mayer

like whatever grocery store hot dogs what about like a ballpark frank or some shit like that that's a huge difference right no it's not

I'm talking same as you grocery store you get it Hebrew national ooh hey Chaz Feltman's Feltman's is Frank's favorite

Feltman's legitimately disgusting hot dogs but uh Feltman's are great snap I don't think I've had a hot dog in a long time. Whenever you ask Frank

to describe it, it'll just be like, what is a good snap or bad snap? That's his entire basis of what's good, vocabulary of what's good. Dude, I need to do something

about these bags under my eyes. Pat, I looked at the bags under your eyes and it reminded me that I had bags under my eyes. Zoom in on my face.

They're fucking terrible. I didn't wear a hat today either had bags under my eyes. Zoom in on my face. They're fucking terrible. I didn't wear a hat today either. Too many dudes have been dropping sack on your face. He's got bags under his eyes. I think that tightens it.

Oh, really? I don't know how to get rid of it. I almost want to start wearing makeup. That's what I'm saying. I might have to as well. My shit is crazy. Is it from being buried

in my phone or why do I have dark ass circles under my eyes? Ew! Pat, can I have dark ass circles under my eyes? Ew! Pat, can I ask you a question? Oh, boy. I thought we were ending the show.

How did you know? Yeah. Wait, so is it like, at what point? Is it an advantage or a dis- Because you're, what, 6'4", 6'5"? Yes. Of course. Is it an advantage or a disadvantage to be that tall

as a homosexual? You can say gay. Gay. That's a great question, Steven. Is it? I would say 6'2 is probably ideal. What do you mean limited? Limited how?

Like... Just say what you mean. Just say it, Steve. We're friends here. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what. Are you under the impression that like. You think that I'm too tall to bottom.

Is that what you're saying? Yes. Yes. That's what he's saying. Yes. That's what we're saying. I was thinking it. Well, I guess if there's a will, there's a way.

Yeah. What are you talking about? You don't think that fucking. What about a flat colossal? I'm not saying you can't. I'm just saying that you're probably less limber. What do you mean less limber? He's more athletic than most dudes in this office.

I'm not very flexible. Oh, no, it's... I'm not flexible. I don't understand your premise, though. That's my question. He's too tall to bottom, too sub to top. That's what the issue is, really. What's sub? Submissive. Oh, okay your premise, though. He's too tall to bottom, too sub to top. That's what the issue is, really. What's sub?

Submissive. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Damn. Can you guys put that on a t-shirt? You know that people can lay down when they have sex. Yeah, everyone's the same size when they're laying down. You only think in terms of vertical fucking. Yeah, you think of big guy moves.

You're exclusively thinking about like... Steve forgot you could fuck in a bed yeah you can lay down get on all fours there's all different I mean use your imagination

Steven doesn't matter like how long the legs are the assholes in the middle right in the middle I like how Steve was just looking at me from across the room

that's what he's wondering I was wondering why he's laying on his legs he was looking at you up and down it's like no way he can get fucked

I've pictured it a million different ways. Is there a stepping stool? Or is it like when you get a book off a high shelf at the library? You're not limber, so how do your legs go back? I just... Buddy, book off and go. This is probably the most intimate conversation we've had.

You've got to have him on out and about so he can just ask all the questions that have been burning holes in his pocket. I don't know how long I've been walking around the office even thinking that. Every time he walks by, he's like, there ain't no way. There ain't no way. John Amici must have blown your mind. Oh, God. Yeah, you're right. They go, he acts like a bottom, but he's 6'5".

What is it? How could it possibly work? The logistics of it all. A lot of leg. Yeah. A lot of leg. A lot of gam. I don't know a lot of things I don't ask questions about.

Yeah. You got to just let them rip. I started to. I wonder what you think about me, Steve. I was just thinking that. I wonder what you think about me. Let's hear it. Let's ask.

Me and my sex life and shit. Yeah, ask. Yeah, there you go. Ask. Yeah, you got to share a booth all day. I bet you could think about me. Let's hear it. Me and my sex life and shit. Yeah, there you go. You got to share a booth all day. I bet you could put it down. Come in. Come in. He bet right. He's got it right.

He bet right. Come on in, Za. No, no, no. I'm all good. Actually, Za answers a ton of questions on his TikTok. Very informative. There you go. At the Midget Zimba on TikTok.

Follow along. Yeah, what do you wonder about Za? I've caught a couple white laws. You said you got drunk off three or four beers. That's a lie. That sure is. That's not even a white lie. That's a lie.

That's the truth. That's the truth. I do get drunk off 304. Do I stop it? And then what are the extra 17? Do I stop at 304? That's another question. That's a different question right there.

You got to keep the party going. Sex life. Sorry. Steven, do you have any questions? Yeah, you're allowed to ask what you're wondering. I feel like it's more polite to ask than to assume. Think about how many people we'll be helping. Facts.

Raising awareness. Facts. No, I don't have any sex questions off the top. I learned what the difference between a blunt and a joint was this week. That's right. Had not known forever. Ebony, what does that make you think, Ebony? What a dumbass.

I'm not going to lie. That's how I felt. I don't do drugs. Why don't you do drugs? This is 2020. Everybody smokes. It was in my world. 2022, sorry. 2022, I'm sorry.

He released his 2020 mock draft this morning. I'm overhearing my conversation over here. I'm a little embarrassed to walk by Che now. Yeah. I didn't get... Yeah, the things he's wondering. You're going to have to put on a limp for when you walk by him. Right?

Okay. Put on him. Remember, you walked up to me one day, just me and you in the hallway, and you were like, do you have an Asian girlfriend? Yeah, you look like a guy who exclusively dates Asian women. He reads that way? What about him looks like that? There's like a guy who exclusively dates Asian women. He reads that way? What about him looks like that? There's like a very specific...

What's the look? What is the type? Describe Ken Jack exactly. Ken Jack reads that way. It's true. Right to left? What's the look? Oh, explain what the look for Owen? Explain what the look is.

Oh, no. It's like... Stylish? No, skinny guy, really pale. Got some fuzz around the face. It just... Yeah, mannerisms similar. Mangaisms.

Confident, smart, cool. I noticed the way you were moving your arms. You must fuck an ape. I noticed the way you were moving your arms you must fuck an ape I noticed your stride that was one of our first interactions I feel you smelled it on him? I think I asked that to you too

it was similar it's a quiet man who privately is very dominant to his significant other no it ain't. No, yeah, you could ask me, but what's your shooting percentage on this? I don't know that I've asked that many people,

but probably pretty good. Yeah. Who else in the office do you think might date an Asian lady? Stop it, man. You said you were going to pee. What the fuck is this? You said you were going to pee. What the fuck is this? You said you were going to pee. You said you were going to pee.

I said we were done. No. Where have you been? Did you just get up and leave thinking we were done with the show? Yeah. Play the tapes back. Ron said we were wrapping up and I went to go pee.

He was waiting for you to come back so he could go pee. He goes, I was getting condoms. What? Yeah, we thought you were shitting. I had a question about Pat's sexuality. We need to get out there. Now it's over.

He thought Pat was too tall to get fucked. Yeah. Missed me with that. Pause. And he thought I was too lanky to date a white girl? No. He said Owen exclusively dates Asian women. This was a long time ago.

This was over a year ago. Oh, yeah. When you first met him. It was my first impression. It might have been the first time I met him. Maybe second time. What was your reaction? Just laugh?

Confused. Yeah, that was his reaction. Very confused. Were you disappointed? Were you hoping I was like... No, I just thought I was more accurate than that. You probably thought it was a trap. Yeah.

Have you ever dated an Asian girl? Yeah. Not for you? It's not for you? It's fine. No, it's good. You just proposed? For a long time.

What? Just can't stand the look of them? No. No? Do your parents want you to date an Asian lady? I'm half, so. They don't care. Have any ever forniqued with an Asian man? Hell any ever fornicate with an Asian man

hell no I've slept with an Asian man you did are they next to each other oh sure what was the tone oh hell no I saw you the day

after you did it yeah my former roommate he wasn't gay no no he was gay your former oh

you know him I'm not gonna say what I wanna say he is gay maybe you'll get mad if I say it what you made him gay.

You know what it is. You always lie about that. Anyway. I kind of want to hear it, though. You want to hear? No. Why is KB going to be mad? You're going to go piss?

Let's call it a show. All right. Rowan keeps this thing on the rails. All right. Let's call it a show. Call it a show. Let's get it. Have a good it a show. Let's get it. Have a good weekend, everybody.

Yes, thank you. Yak. We'll see you next time.