The Yak - Queen Elizabeth Kicks the Bucket During Data Day | The Yak 9-8-22

Episode Date: September 8, 2022

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Hey, Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Whoa! What'd you say, Kyle? If I hit a home run in a softball game, I wouldn't keep it a secret. I would let everyone know. I wouldn't expect that. Of course.

I wouldn't. Hypothetically, if we had to do a secret league, I wouldn't be able to. If you hit a home run. Or if I turned it on the system. Oh, what if it was a secret until you hit a home run? We might go two or three games before that happens. That's true. You really think so?

The way he turns his hips over? First pitch. Yeah, we got to play 16-inch softball. No gloves. It's a big ball. It gets soft. Do you have 16-inch here? Probably.

Eh, maybe. You bring it to New York. It's a fun game. It's a very fun game. Because it's not like if you're playing third base, you're not like, I hope I don't get fucking smoked by a line drive. Softball in Mississippi is a day-long affair, and by the end everybody's fighting and drunk and tanned.

The one thing about 16-inch, though, you've got to be careful because you will break your fingers. But that's just what it is. Oh, that's okay. Seems like a big caveat. It's a good bar story afterwards. Yeah, right. Mangled fingers.

Maybe we play some beach ball volleyball on Cocaine or LSD or something like that. I like that. Cocaine or LSD. I like that. Beach ball volleyball, though, so it's slower. Cocaine or LSD. It's not like fast. Both, maybe. We play a little Madden on Math.

Yeah. Math Madden. I was in an Ayahuasca bowling league. I remember that. You just weren't rooting for everyone else, not yourself? Yeah, it was just I went up there and I shit my pants and walked back down. Hello, everyone. It's healthy.

It's data day. Happy data day. Happy data day to everyone. For those who observe. What year is this? Four or five? We did it in 1920, I think. This is four?

Four. Four. So for anyone, any new listeners, Data Day is Stephen Che revealing his outcome for the 2022 NFL season. He'll have all the records. He'll have the Super Bowl. Do you have your mask that you're wearing on Sunday? No, not yet.

Let me get Spider. I'm sure we have a mask. Nick said that they were getting one today, right? Or am I getting one today? Do I go? I think we'll have to get your Sunday mask today at the costume store. I think we should spare no expense for this first one. Movie quality. Height against the flesh.

My alien one. Huh? Like my alien one. Yeah, that you had for... It's in Kansas somewhere covered in jam. Well. I'm gonna be honest. I thought day-to-day was like we each gave a presentation. We each gave data. Did you bring a presentation? What the fuck?

Football. What's in your hands? What? Data? Oh, Did you bring a present? What the fuck? Football. What's in your hands? What? Data? Oh, no. You got data? Oh, God. Okay. Data day.

Oh, God. Oh, you might as well. Okay. You're not doing a good job replacing his ass right now because he would have done nothing. He would have been like, what are we talking about today? You're Steven. Yeah. Oh, shit. Well now, take it away.

It's just that one piece of paper, right? It looks like... Oh God, I thought this was cute where all the friends get together. Oh my God, Kate. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

This is embarrassing. She's reading us the Old Testament. This is super embarrassing. Oh, no. Is that a scroll? God damn it. Should I do it? You have to now.

Why don't we do a little of it, and then we can kind of like go back and forth. Okay. We can switch back and forth between your data. Wait, what's that guy? That's Justin Long. I thought it was Gordon Levin. Hell yeah. That's not Joseph Gordon Levin. It looks like him, right? It's Justin Long. I thought it was Gordon Leavitt. Hell yeah. It's not Joseph Gordon Leavitt.

It looks like him, right? Oh my God. That's a Mac. I love that guy. Who's Justin Leavitt in? Joseph Gordon Leavitt's in 500 Days of Summer. What's that guy's name? Justin Long.

He's in Dodgeball. He's in Mac and Mac vs. PC. Yeah, he's in a lot. Garden State. Accepted. Play one of his commercials right now so he looks it. I get him confused with Zach Braff. Oh, he's handsome in person.

Yeah, he does look good. Probably about 5'8". Nice recurring role on New Girl. Great hair. I'll say it. That guy has great hair. Might be. Maybe get his IMDB up.

Just try to get him to slowly look over. Where is he going? Justin Long look over. Where is he going? Justin Long, yeah. Where is he going? Where is he going? He's following Jeff D. Lowe. He's saying hi to Kelly. She's a child also.

Okay, here we go. At? Oh, he looks so nice. You can tell he's a great guy. You can. What's the income threshold that he's got? Oh, there he is. He's got bomber jackets everywhere.

Justin Long. I bet. Connecticut, wow. A likable place every night. He's getting long. I bet. Connecticut, wow. A likable place looking actor. Yeah, he is likable. Thick eyebrows and a friendly smile. I think that's right. I don't think his eyebrows are that thick.

I have thick eyebrows. He's 44. Was he in? Oh, he has thick eyebrows. Accepted. He's hiding. Accepted? Yes, he's an accepted.

That was the South Park Institute of Technology isn't he in 50-50 oh he did get to kiss Blake Lively yeah shit

your Eskimo bros with him Nick that's oh fuck two degrees he fucked Heigl oh yeah that's right Heigl fucked

Lively and Lively sure at one point yeah I actually encountered Justin Long once in the wild. So did I. Yes.

But. That would be a great story. Well, no. So we were going to a mattress store in New York City. And I was with my wife. And he checked out my wife. But I don't know if he knew where to go. I think we were in.

What? Yeah. We should get him in here and ask him. Be like, hey, remember seeing my wife? You can give the masks to Steven. He can pick one out. What do you mean checked her out? Did he ring her up at the cash register or look at her flirtatiously?

Looked at her flirtatiously. Oh, congrats. Are you positive of this? Did you both see? Yes. And what was it look like? Did you have a look with Justin? Undeniable.

I don't think for whatever reason I was next door. I might have been getting out of a cab or something. We were not like next door. We got to get to the bottom of this. We had to. We told you. She told you that. We get Justin Long in here real quick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like we got to go get him. Had he followed through, Steven, had he followed through with a glance, would you have allowed it? Would you have stood up? No, absolutely. You would have allowed it. So hall pass.

No, no, absolutely not. Oh could be great he's just like hey dude well give me the context so i can set it up for him when he gets in here uh where was it what year um what's the superfans it's uh i don't think it was it was tribeca or soho i forget which one it was it was on uh i think it was on bond street okay that's in new New York where it's like the cobblestone stuff? Okay. What year? He was at brunch with, I think it was, fuck, who's the guy from Vice Principals who's really good? Walton Goggins.

I bumped into him in Soho. Walter Goggins? Walton Goggins. Walton Goggins? He's the bad guy. Okay, so it was your brunch? We were walking to a mattress store. I had just gotten out of a cab or something.

Okay, and Hitch? Is he gone? He's already in Cito getting interviewed, but I talked to Kelly Martin, and she's going to send him in in 30. Okay. All right, so Walter Goggins, Justin Long. Bill Walton Goggins.

Bill Walton Goggins, Justin Long, Soho, Bond Street. What year? 18? Before that. 2014, maybe? Whoa, she wasn't your wife. Maybe it was 2015. I think it was right before our wedding.

So that's fair game, bro. Fair game. Well, I mean, we were together. She's still in the open market. We were together. Can you reenact for me the exact way he checked her out? Was there a behind the shoulder? I forget. I think maybe I saw it from afar

and I didn't think it was bad, but then she was like, hey, that guy just checked me out. I think he's somebody. We looked him up and it was that guy. How did you look him up? IMDB. How did you look him up? I who checked out my wife? He's in a lot of movies.

So she was just like, I don't remember his name. He's like, let me look in whatever 10 things I hate about you or something like that. Interesting. He's not in 10 things I hate about you. You have to get to the bottom of it. Do the look, Steven. Do the look. Show us the look.

I don't even remember. I forget if I saw from afar if she told me. This is falling apart. Did he check out her breasts or butt? Yeah, what was he looking at? Did he check out her pussy? Her mind? I don't remember.

I just remember him. I'll ask him. I'll start with the pussy, and then we'll go with the other stuff. Justin, thanks for hopping on the show. Did you look at that man's pussy? No. Yeah, no, that's exactly how I'm going to ask it. Oh, God. We'll say pussy. Let's assume, no, that's exactly how I'm going to ask it. Oh, God.

We'll say pussy. Let's assume. Say puss. Well, because if you didn't look at the pussy, then everything else is kind of in relation not as bad.

It's a house of cards right now that you're setting up. I would start looking at a woman. I regret sharing the story. Yeah, no, you should. How long was the eye

contact that you knew it was lustful? I don't remember if she mentioned it to me or I saw it and said, I don't remember if she mentioned it to me or I saw it and said I don't remember. And you didn't fight him? No, I mean, it was a he didn't necessarily, he didn't do anything.

He was just sat. You don't remember anything about this. Can you text her and just see if she remembers? Based on her dozen tournament history, you don't remember a lot about a lot of stuff. Oh! Why do you get so mad at me? You get mad at nobody else. Why do you get so mad at me? You get mad at nobody else. Why do you get so mad at me? Yes. You're firing back at me.

No, I was just asking. We were just... You remembered a sufficient amount for what it was. Yeah, but he kept not remembering something. Eight years ago, it was a moment in time. There it is. Anytime Steven dunks on Brandon.

Hey, what's up, Steven's wife? I was in dodgeball. Nice pussy. And if I lick? Oh, man. We will get to the bottom of this. This shit is juicy, but it also has me pre-uncomfortable.

Oh, very uncomfortable. I've never felt pre-uncomfortable like this before. You guys know me. I like uncomfortable. I'm happy right now. Uncomfortable like this before. You guys know me. I like uncomfortable. I'm happy right now. Being uncomfortable can't get you pregnant. I'm excited.

I'm very excited. Damn. I wonder if Ken, Jack, and Jeff asked him about that incident. Right. Probably. Steve, you're going to have to have a picture of your wife. We won't put it on the show, but have it on your phone so you can show him. Maybe.

Preferably nude. Preferably nude. From that time, too. Yeah, from that time, Mary. Whatever her fashion sense was then will translate. What was it popular then? Big belts or something? Low rise. Scars.

Did you say scars? Scars. Facial scars. War. I didn't realize how big of a mistake I just made. I wasted it. Oh, it was colossal. Yeah.

Okay. Wow. You just hijacked your own day, Steven. Fuck that guy. You said he did nothing wrong. Yeah, that's true. Steve's is Steve's. His day, his wife.

Challenge him to a fight. He's 44? Yeah, yeah. 1978, he was born. You beat up Arnold Schwarzenegger? Standing reach. Probably standing reach on him. Yeah, you definitely do.

He was not taller than Ken Jackson. You're actually... I was joking. You're actually thinking about what... He's running through the scenarios. He was not taller than Ken Jackson. You're actually, I was joking. You're actually thinking about what. He's running through the scenarios. He's qualified to guess. So this will be a fair fight than your guy. Doesn't he play like a buy guy?

No, Brandon's guy. Oh, yeah. Five nine, no problem. Five nine, yeah. Invite him to a case race and then spring it on him there. Yeah, let's trap him. Invite him to brunch in Soho. All right, let's test him first.

Let's ask him what his Chinese food order is. Yeah, that'll work. Yes, yes. No, let's trap them. Invite them to brunch in Soho. Alright, let's test them first. Let's ask them what his Chinese food order is. Yeah, that'll work. No, I hate Chinese people. Never had it. Okay. Cancel him. You want to start with your dad, Keith? What do you have?

I don't even know what it is. It's data. It's handwritten, too. So much work went into that. I don't know how to work the printer. I see the word clitoris. I thought we were each doing a data presentation. Is there a chart? It sounds more like opinion.

It sounds more like a mythology presentation. Yeah, you used to have clitoris? The mythical clitoris. A look under the hood. A day-to-day presentation by Kate. Number one. Kate, enunciate. Thank you.

No, not a thank you. We wasn't complimenting you. Yeah, well, you just put authority. That was a prompt. The mythical clitoris, a look under the hood. A day-to-day presentation by Kate. One, they're like an iceberg. Do you guys know this?

Only about a fourth is actually visible, but once your Titanic's slamming into that thing, they can actually be about four inches underneath. Whoa. Ew. It can grow. It's a tooth. Yeah.

It's like a tooth. It has a root. It's like the tooth of the pussy. It's like a tooth. It has a root. It's like the tooth of the pussy. Molar of the pussy. Vagina dentata. Steven, your turn. Steven, the AFC East? We'll alternate.

Okay. We have a presentation to go through. Oh, you do? Yes. All right you do? Yes. Perfect. All right. A little presentations. Data Day has reached new heights.

Oh, yeah. So we got interrupted by Justin Long's presence. But fourth Data Day, Steven's going to predict everything that happens in the NFL season. It's all based on data. And it's the most annoying slash funniest day that we have every year on the calendar. So, Steven, anything that we need to know about the algorithm? Any tweaks?

I mean, at the 17th game, the same thing last time. I did double-check all the wins and losses added up. 272 games, 272 wins, 272 losses, no ties this year. So 544 total outcomes, both sides. And it looks good. Things checked out. I have one super long shot to win a division. And I did put together, so this is on a blog also on barstoolsports.com

if you want to go follow there. But I did put together a parlay with all of them. And if you bet about $15, you can win $50,000. Wow. A parlay of all the division winners or all the games? Of all the division winners. You should do a parlay of every single game. Imagine the cash.

What if that today is perfect? You know what I mean? It has the chance to be. That's why it is unique. It exists today. Big Cat, am I an idiot or is that real that you predicted the record? The Bears? Last year, yes.

So every year I go on Redline Radio, and we go through the schedule, and I go win-loss, win-loss. And last year, I think I got to week 13 that I was exactly correct. That's really impressive. Yeah, wow. We didn't even realize it was week 11. They're like, hey, do you realize this is happening? I was like, holy shit.

And even you wouldn't call that data. No, that was guessing. Good question, Rone. That was complete guesswork. There was no actual science behind it. Well, you didn't use Excel. That's true. Unlike Stevens, this is a scientific formula.

It's an Excel formula, not scientific. Right. Big difference. But there is no data. Well, I mean, even the semantics of it, the tab that I'm referencing is called raw data. Okay. You named it. Correct.

You. Every year it blows my mind. You just go through the schedule and you just say win-loss, win-loss. Not as simple as that, but yes. That's what it boils down to. You factor in weather. Yeah. Door-outdoor?

Injuries? Of course, I mean, pre-existing injuries. What about holidays players might be observing that week? Yeah. AJ Dillon. Are you playing injuries off for the season, though? Jewish. Never play injuries off on Madden.

You live dangerously. Psycho. Have you ever played Madden? When a guy gets hurt. Have I ever played Madden? Yeah. When a guy gets hurt, do you ever restart Madden? Have I ever played Madden? Yeah. Have you ever restarted the game? Have you ever restarted the game if a guy gets hurt?

I have restarted a season as late as like week 11. Well, that's bullshit. Well, then that's the same as turning off. You don't live dangerously. You're like, I live dangerously. I turn off all injuries. Oh, my quarterback just went down with the ACL. Start the season over.

Depends on the player. But that's not. Some players are very tight at the hip, too. These are it. Okay. Just turn off injuries. Wait till you get to the AFC West. Oh, no.

You've seen it? I just opened the blog. You've seen the data. You can follow along. People can follow along with the blog. You can follow along. And we also have visuals, so you can follow along on YouTube, follow along with the blog. You can follow along, and we also have visuals, so you can follow along on YouTube, obviously.

All right, so where do you want to jump in? I think this is a new era. Last year, he just printed out the sheets, and we read along. Yeah, that's the first year we haven't had a tangible. I got bad news about Justin Long. He's got a heart out that he's probably not going to be able to come on. Oh, no. I think his rep is listening.

Yeah, we have to slip him a note or something like that. We got to find him a kite. I think his rep's like, oh, no, he's about to get me-tuned for looks. Right. That makes sense. Yeah. Good. Makes sense he'd bow out of this one.

All right. So, dad of the day. Steven, maybe when he comes out, just go say it to him. Just be like, hey, I don't know if you remember. Yeah, can you do that? You looked at my wife's pussy in 2015. Are his reps here? I feel like that would not be.

They're probably in the green room watching this. Probably. Just go ask for a picture. Ask for a picture. And then put it in the caption. I'll do it. I don't care. I'll fucking do it.

When he comes back out, if I don't see him, just someone tell me. Because I'm going to go ask for a picture. and be like, hey, our producer there says that you checked out his wife's pussy. Behind pants. Or maybe dress. Redenim or what was it? Yeah, what was she wearing? Borderline? Yeah, was she asking for it or was it just regular?

It was, I remember it was a summer day. Uh-oh. Oh, my God. Oh, we're talking about Marilyn Monroe with the fucking... No, no, no. This street didn't have... Great. No, this is like an old school...

Cobblestone. Yeah, Cobblestone. Very, very nice neighborhood. Bond Street. Bond Street, 2014 brunch, near a mattress store. It might have been 2015. With Walter Goggins. Bond Street. Bond Street, 2014 brunch near a mattress store. It might have been 2015. With Walter Goggins. Walton.

Walton Goggins. Oh. Bond Street for sure. Wait, I might have the year wrong. Got out of sewers. Mm-hmm. I like this. Oh, great.

What are you wrong about? Steven, you better not get the year wrong because if you get it wrong, he won't remember. It's true. What movies was he doing that year? So, no, I looked at his wife's pussy in 2014. Is that the pussy you're talking about? I remember. I wanted to remember.

So, you're wrong. Yeah, I did it. I have no idea what you're talking about. It was a different time. He's still actually thinking. Yeah. It might have been like 2016. Okay.

Okay. A lot of changes. I got some side rates going. In the It might have been like 2016. Okay. Okay. A lot of changes. I got some side rates going. In the mid-2010s for sure. Some rich. I'm good. I'm good. I'm trying to go no carbs right now.

Are you guys serious? The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. Shit. That's double the amount in your floppy old penises. Is it just double? Really? Double. That's it?

You got double the amount and half the size, unless you got one of those four-inchers' tooths. Wow. Interesting. Yep. Wait, so if you're if you have 12 inches, though, wouldn't you have would you have the same amount? You have less. They're more spread out. Wow. So 12-inch dick feels less. You feel less.

Right. You feel less. Thank God. I'm blessed. More in a smaller zone. Thank God. Would never want to feel less. Right.. I'm blessed. More in a smaller zone. Thank God. Would never want to feel less. Might actually last more than a minute. Be so embarrassing. All right. Steven, ready?

Yes. Shout out to Quigs for the incredible presentation. It looks awesome. All right, let's start, obviously, with the AFC East, and we'll just kind of go down by division not a crazy surprise here I have Buffalo winning the division finishing 12-5 but I do think it's going to be a pretty competitive division

my hot take here would be the Patriots finishing last okay and now how did you come to that 8-9 do you want like game by game sure pulling up the data This is the data This is the important part of the data

Brandon, you gotta be excited Dolphins winning record Huge I am I was hoping for a little bit better record But that's fine Winning record Finishing above the Jets

The Jets cannot be that good I don't see the Jets being that good I don't think the Patriots I think the Patriots are going to be worse. Really? Whoa. All right, so the Dolphins winning this Sunday. What was behind that reasoning, the data?

Even Dave said Miami's been a house of horrors for New England. Okay. There's the data. There's the data. That's the advanced analytics right there. Yeah, actually looking at this, I have the Dolphins being very poor at home. Oh.

Poor at home. Why? Well, the data. Oh, well. Oh, sorry. I sorted by the wrong thing. I looked at the picture. Oh, no.

Oh, God. That doesn't affect the overall. No, duh. The spirit of Justin Long's over his shoulder taunting him right now he's like that's right little bitch boy you better find your dad I'll look to your wife's pussy I mean they have a mixed schedule the Dolphins finish are very competitive as are the Jets

I have them both at the same record sorry the Jets and the Patriots at the same record 8-9 but I'm asking how did the data get you there I think the Dolphins are a very frisky team. I think they have good foundational blocks on the defensive end. I like Mike McDaniel, the head coach. I think they've made a lot of good additions in the offseason. Obviously, highly headlined by Tyreek Hill.

But you seem glowing about the Dolphins and not so about the Jets-Patriots, but there's only one game difference. That's a good point, Brandon. I like the Jets a lot. Zach Wilson's out at least, it looks like, the first three weeks. You don't like them that much because they're 8-9. I mean, that's good for what people are. I think their over-under win total is – it started at 5.5.

It's up to 7.5 now, I believe, or 7 flat. But I have them exceeding their win total. I think they're going to be frisky. They've done a nice job the past few off seasons building their team. The Jets are both frisky. Yes. And the Patriots, with the same record as the Jets, not frisky. I feel like the Patriots are underwhelming.

I mean, they're not going to come up to their win total. Is the friskiest division, though? No, no, there's a lot of frisky divisions. Oh, there is? Okay, wow. All right, that was a teaser. The Bills, chalk? Yeah, the Bills are the class of the division by a pretty wide margin.

But class of the AFC, you got them as the bye team. They're the class of the league. You have them winning today. For sure. I do have them winning today. That's big. This is big. I want to know what Nick Stradamus has today.

Today? Yeah. I have the Bills as well. Okay, next. Or no, some clitoris? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Back to clitoris.

This fountain is squirting eternal youth. The clitoris? Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. That's clitoris. This fountain is squirting eternal youth. The clitoris never ages, so there's no difference between, let's say, a stunning, very weirdly large, though, 35-year-old clitoris or a 78-year-old clitoris. Brandon's. That can't be right. No, no. Jellyfish don't age either. Clitorises have to age. You're telling me they're like eyeballs? It's like an eyeball. Brandon's. That can't be right. Jellyfish don't age either.

You're telling me they're like eyeballs? It's like an eyeball. Eyeballs get worse. But I'll say this, it also continues to grow like your nose always does. That was your ears. Like John Wood. Are you saying growth or like aging in a sense? The clitoris always grows. It's like a nose, how your nose always gets bigger and bigger.

But it never ages. Like how other parts of you look old. Your clit's always grows. It's like a nose. How your nose always gets bigger and bigger. But it never ages. It like how other parts of you look old. Your clit's always going to be looking fresh. It's not going to get wrinkly. It regenerates quickly. It's always regenerating. It's always fresh. So if we had a 90-year-old woman in here right now,

her clit would look like she was 25. Just like mine. Well. Well. Who's that guy? He probably works here. Probably a guy that works here. Looked like he was being walked through.

Steven? So we need to make some sort of cream that has clit cells in it. Right, yes. That could be the new yak product we're looking for. I like that. How will we harvest them? Kate? That's a good question.

That's a good question. I'll go get them. Steven's mouth is Benjamin Black. Yeah, he's a vacuum. Steven's a good question. I'll go get him. Steven's mouth is Benjamin Black. Yeah, he's a vacuum. He's going to have the mouth of a baby. He's an anteater for pussy. Just goes around. Cuckoo caca.

You can get throat cancer, but it's also the fountain of youth. Okay. At the risk. AFC North? but it's also the fountain of youth. Okay. AFC North? With a full rack of baby teeth. Ah, shit, my tooth fell off. AFC North, I have shaken out. I don't want to call it chalky,

but I have the Bengals taking a slight setback at 10-7, the Ravens winning the division at 11-6. The Browns getting off to a slow start with Jacoby Brissett and coming on towards the end of the year at 9-8. And the Steelers finishing below.500 for the first time in the Mike Tomlin era. Why did your computer like the Ravens this year? They had very bad injury luck last year, and they're back very healthy. Lamar, as of – Very healthy.

Is Dobby running week one? He's not. They had very bad injury luck last year, and they're back very healthy. Lamar, as of this moment, Lamar is in a contract year. So I think he's going to put up some pretty good numbers. Okay. So that was your opinion. What did the data say? I guess it probably mirrored that. I want to know how many wins the Browns are going to have with Brissette. How many wins the Browns will have with Brissette?

Yeah. Like how many wins will they get before Watson comes back? Because nine is a winning record. Pretty good year. Let's see. I have the Browns winning five games before Deshaun Watson comes back. Wow. Okay.

So, again, to answer that question, your opinion is that Lamar is going to be playing inspired because he's in a contract year. But what did the data say about it? Let me tell you. Electric. They got off to a really good start. This is the data now, not opinion.

This is what's in the raw data sheet, yes. The Ravens are going to beat the Jets this weekend. Lose their second game, and they're going to go on a pretty nice tear. They start off 2-2, and then in October they go undefeated into the middle of November. They rip off a night, including beating my Buccaneers. Wow. What's the biggest upset in this whole division? In this division?

This is a pretty, I guess Cleveland's being a little bit higher than some people would think. Oh, individual game. What is the biggest upset? Yeah. Good question. Great question. That's going to require a deep dive.

I believe it is Pittsburgh beating someone very good That's a good cluster right there I mean everybody's going to be in it until pretty late this season Steelers over Bills Just like last year That was just purely data I mean Mitch Trubisky's a starter right now He played in Buffalo last year

He should know some of what to expect Be familiar with the personnel You think the computer knows that? I put it in there, so yeah. Anyone frisky in this division? I mean, all the teams. Pittsburgh, I feel like 8-9 is a very frisky team. You have Pickett taking over in the data?

Yes. Wow, what week? Yeah, when? A little after Halloween. Is that your call or the computer? Yeah, I put it in the computer. Mason Rudolph, tweet the guy. It was your call, yeah.

What did Mason Rudolph say? It was like the Pittsburgh sports journalist or whatever. Oh, yeah. That was an all-time ratio. One guy retired and one guy died. Yeah, he's like, Mason Rudolph was the number two

quarterback last year and the other quarterbacks retired or died. Oh. Now he's number three. Like, whoa, dude. All-time ratio. He left it's number three like whoa dude left it up i think left it up yeah i kind of respect standing by it it's been like fuck it has the queen died yet i think oh it's six o'clock right they're announcing at six oh i heard death is dropping i think death's drop death drop like a drag show. I heard BBC made their banner black.

That makes sense. That means they know something. What about fans in London that want to watch NFL football? Is there going to be the political... It's an important question. Our friends overseas looking to enjoy America's game. Did England just dump poop in the water surrounding the country? You guys see that?

What? They flipped a law where you weren't allowed to dump poop in the ocean, and they just all at once dumped a ton of poop into the ocean completely surrounding the country. I can't even imagine what British poop is like. It's got to be bad, dude. Instead of flying in,

you can see the ring of poop around the... We have corn in ours. I bet you they have teeth. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. It's got to be bad, dude. Instead of flying in, you can see the ring of poop around the... We have corn in ours. I bet you they have teeth. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Breaking news. Queen, Justin Long, Nada.

Oh. Wow. Oh. I show you not that tweet drop 14 seconds before you started talking about it. Whoa. May God save the queen, dude. Play it one more time. She was the queen for a minute.

She was. Long-ass queen. And Che, this is Queen Elizabeth, not Patrick Queen for the Ravens. How long was she the queen for? 70 years? 74 years? 70 years?

Yeah. That's fucked up. The crabs. Oh my God, who did that? How old is Prince Charles? He's like 60. The crabs. Oh, my God. Who did that? How old is Prince Charles? He's like 60. Oh, fuck.

Jesus. Jesus. It's got to be an Irish person. Yeah, yeah. You got to play the music, though. We got to hear the song at least. Oh, no. Oh, wow.

Queen's dead. Jesus. You could tell they did not have that pre-made. That was hastily thrown together. It's right over top. Queen dead. Jesus. You could tell they did not have that pre-made. That was hastily thrown together. It's right over top. Queen dead. All right, Pete of the Queen. This is exactly what we said we'd do if 9-11 happened.

You want to under that same rip, bozo? Yeah. It's okay to make fun of somebody that died at like 95. And also the Queen. Yeah, the most proper people. Queen's not proper? Oh, like, you know, they might not be the best history. I need to see a footage of the unit.

You know what I'm talking about? Oh, the big guy. Have you seen the Queen's big guy she keeps next to her? Oh, yeah, the big guy, yeah. I haven't seen the Queen's big guy. He's the funniest looking person. He's the biggest guy. What is he, security? No.

He's just a big guy. He's the Queen's big guy. DJ, can you we have a I just tweeted it about the queen's death. So the queen actually, thank God she lived long enough to receive this

award, but she actually won a takey in July. Wow. Want to pull it up to show everyone what she won? It was incredible. She probably held on Just for that She won the Tiki For the time

Eagles order Still alive person of the year Oh wow That's right Whoops Well I mean She couldn't have won it this year So like

Yeah Well no it was for 2022 So She's disqualified now We're gonna have to take that back Who's the runner up You gotta You gotta see

Who's the rightful owner I don't know Like when Miss America Dis disgraces the throne. I think we're two for two on years where the person who won it died. You guys are good at picking. I'm a sorta. That's why we named it after him. Makes sense.

Is this her song? It's God Save the Queen. He didn't. He did not. So Ozzy Osbourne is performing at halftime of the Bills game. He didn't. He did not. So Ozzy Osbourne is performing at halftime of the Bills game. He's like dying too. Oh yeah, he might be a good pick.

He said he can't even lift his feet. He's like dying of dementia. Yeah. How's he going to perform? I don't know. She died right before the NFL season. That's brutal. Are you going to sprinkle on England World Cup?

Yeah, I have to. Wait, so who's the king now? Charles. Charles, but he's changing his name. No. Wow. Good luck, Charles. He's picking a George.

Let me see what it was. I saw a tree. Charles works. What the hell? So I guess they have like a shitload of middle names. Is that a Spaniel? Yeah. I'm going to go from Charles to George.

Word on the street is that Prince Charles will take a new name of middle names. Is that a Spaniel? I don't go from Charles to Joel. Word on the street is that Prince Charles would take a new name on becoming king. He doesn't want to be King Charles III. Basically, all the royals get a shitload of middle names so they can pick whichever one they like best when this time comes. Many a Prince Albert has chosen to rule as king something else. That makes sense.

Yeah, you don't want the penis. Yeah. His name is Charles Philip Arthur George, so he'd go with any of those. Okay. King Arthur? King Arthur. You ought to go with King Arthur.

Yeah, you're an idiot. Juan Damien, Nebraska. Yeah. King Juan Damien. How about Drake probably let out a little snicker when he read that? Yeah. He just sat Lisa's like,

yeah, that's a good-ass fucking name. Shout out to Jerry, dude. That's fucking hilarious. The Queen definitely loved the yak, right? Yeah. She watched the show all the time. She probably is mad at double writs. She was pissed about the slush fund.

Oh, yeah. The Queen. Fucking dead. The Queen. Oh, I'm not Double Ritz for the queen For the queen For the queen You violate

Oh there he is Big boy Big boy Queen's big boy What He's in my thoughts How does he look like that He's in my thoughts

There's other pics too That suits off the rack too Who is that That's the queen's big boy I hope he's doing okay today. We need a yak big boy. You could pop him with a toothpick. Whoa.

That is bigger than I am. You look so fly. He's just going to hold her coffin above his head. I love looking at him. Look at that guy. He's her pallbearer. Who is that guy? Great Halloween costume would be to get those blow up bodies and then just put a suit over it and have a little.

Dude, how about British press? She died this morning and they said they won't announce that she's dead until the six o'clock news. Yeah. That's kind of a baller move. There's a plan for when she died called London Bridge And they all have to go get black ties on before the news It's strange

Very strange That funeral procession is going to be lit though You should go do a live yak Somebody should go do Ron you want to go do man on the street Yeah blokes on the street Damn dude She's on money and shit too, right?

Isn't she like already on money? Yeah, she is. Like Canada. She has like foreign, like Australia or something. Don't they all kind of weirdly bend the knee? Yes, that's brutal.

Long live King Arthur. Yeah, so. Diana's waiting to say to her. Yeah, like, hey, I've been waiting for you bitch yep yeah it might not be in the same place

oh she killed her she did? yeah she killed Diana? yeah is that known? that's what they say with cars?

with cars yes Diana was her daughter? in law in law oh okay but yeah sad day

so uh AFC South? Flitters? yeah we gotta get some flits done In law. But, yeah. Sad day. So, AFC South? Glitter. Yeah. We got to get some Glitter stuff. Yeah, we got to do Glitter. What Barstool blogger has written about it? I know. Who's the one who got it?

I would say Pat. You got it. It's got to be Pat. Let me say Pat. Can we see who the blogger was? Everybody take a bet. Is it Pat? Nate?

Jeff D'Lo finally gets to use his graphic. He made the graphic for wherever he worked before, Good Morning America. That's Jeff's graphic that they'll be tweeting out, I think. Wow. Legends. I was looking in the drafts this morning to see was anybody pre-writing it, and I was shocked that nobody was, so I was like, I should probably do it, and then I didn't.

I'm going to go with Dante. Oh, yeah, Dante. Dante, definitely. Yeah. The Queen dies and the Chicago death numbers this weekend. Yep. Yeah. Which one's going to get the media's attention?

Troops is here today. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh. Should we get him in? Suspicious. Alaba? Yeah.

I got to get out of here. Yeah, I think he's watching an Arsenal game, but we'll get him in after. I wonder, yeah, was soccer going to do anything? Like, are they going to stop? What was her favorite team? Oh, yeah, she had to have had a team. She was West Ham until she died. She was West Ham, United.

I was going to say Liverpool. Damn. No, they hate, Patty hates the Queen. Oh, yeah. Patty hates the Queen. Well, not for people around Liverpool. Troops doesn't like the Queen either. No, a lot of people not.

Oh, look at themops doesn't like the Queen either. No, a lot of people not. Oh, look at them. He's crying. They're so sad. It almost did look like he was crying for a second. Can we hear their audio? Fuck the Queen. Are they streaming? I'll just pull their stream up.

Yeah, we'll watch it live. They're streaming right now. Owen, go break the news to them. Do it like a really sad voice. Should we spy cam it? Well, no, we're going to get the audio. We're going to pull their stream up. the news to them. Do it in a really sad voice. Should we spy cam it? No, we're going to get the audience. We're going to pull their stream up. Break it to them.

Just say it loudly for the mics. A lot going on on data day. A lot. My God, Justin Long, the queen dies. Clit facts. Clit facts. Or fictions. For the record, nobody's blogged it yet.

What? What's happened? Keegs blogged that her health was in danger a half hour ago. Shut the fuck up. By the way, my game of the year now, I did say that if she passes, oh, here we go. Vacation time is longer than here. How is it between us? You only get two weeks here.

Yeah, we get two weeks. What are you on about? I thought it was UK. What are you on about? You only get two weeks here. Yeah, we get two weeks. What are you on about? I thought it was UK. Isn't it UK, Mike? What are you on about? Six weeks, six weeks. And I thought we got there for a week. What do you know about the queen?

People are asking. That's school blood. No, that's not what- Here comes Owen, Grim Reaper Owen. No. You get 20 days, bro. No, he's coming in. In England, you get 20 days. There's still more than just America.

You get 20 days holiday, that's coming in. In England, you get 20 days. You get 20 days holiday. That's it. This is like George Bush finding out about 9-11. I want to do the lean in. I agree with what certain men are saying in the chat, but I'm not going to repeat it. Oh, he agrees that the queen is bad. I agree with what certain men are saying in the chat.

What is this? This is a bit. Man said Owen can't. Yeah. Why is man saying I don't care? I don't care, bro. Bro, I'm Jamaican.

I don't care. We don't care. She took the final piss. What are your thoughts? Bro, she oppressed my peace. I don't care. Bro, I already said it. I don't care.

Tell her. We said it. No, I said it already. You told her to do it? Everybody tweet condolences to troops. I think that's what he needs right now. Everyone deals with it differently.

Stage of grief is denial. So sorry for his loss. You think Zarka is? You're mad. She oppressed us. We don't care. You like the memes? The memes?

Rip Bozo? Bro. Is he pouring out? My mom and wife are still in England. So, yeah. You feel me? You're a Yankee. Your mom and dad are probably like 20 minutes away. Mine are like So, yeah. You feel me? You're a Yankee. Your mom and dad

are probably like 20 minutes away. Mine are like 6,000. United States is like a lot bigger. But my mom is like 6,000 miles away, blood. And my wife and kids.

And I'm a black man. I don't get away with what you get away with. You understand? It's real like that, bro. Even though I'm mixed race, blood. They still

IC free. What's that in that, bro. Even our mixed race blood, they still IC free. What's that in America? IC free. Yeah. So when police, if police are looking for me, they'll say IC free milk. So that means black milk, IC free. What would they say in America? Donate to his chat for sure.

Yeah. Also, shout out to their stream for having a jackhammer going constantly in the background. Classic. Just Frank snoring in there. Should we all keep going in one by one and giving condolences? Yeah. That one's a popping radio show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Certain man, your team's dead. But that one there. Who? Certain man has a dead show, but we're not those men. We got big ups. We got big ups. Yeah. Big ups back to troops.

I've updated my game of the year on Saturday night to the Queen Elizabeth in Memoriam game. Wait, what's the game? BYU-Baylor over 53 and a half. Oh, shit. Are there any British guys in the NFL? BYU-Baylor over 53 and a half. Oh, so it's about those two. Are there any British guys in the NFL? No more Jay Ajayi. No.

Jay Train. Brits don't strike me as fit. Yeah. No, like... Soccer fit. Soccer fit is a different kind of fit. They're not like corn-fed fit. That's true.

Not Big Ten country. Right. Beans for breakfast people. Yeah. They're just farting around. Pooping around their country in the water. That's what they do. All right.

Any other thoughts on the Queen? Steven, how does this affect the data? Very few players from England. Are you doing a hush tone right now? Yeah. No. Sorry. I just drank some water.

What about the games that are being played in England? That's okay. Okay. All right. I just want to make sure. Good job, Owen. Good job, Owen. Beautifully done.

Should we play that Central Sea song in Memoriam, TJ? Yeah. How Can I Be Homophobic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if we can. Fuck. All right, all right. Sing it. How can I Be Homophobic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if we can. Fuck. All right, all right.

Sing it. How can I be homophobic? My bitch is gay. Et cetera. You guys never heard that song? It's on TikTok. Yeah, it's a classic. It's a big song to talk. So are we on clit or are we on the AFC South?

I think we were on a clit fact. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. Alright. Take some clit fiction too. Stop finger blasting just because they do it in porn. You gotta go Jimi Hendrix. Left handed?

Yes. Upside down? Put a little dab of acid on it. Put it on fire with your mouth. Elaborate on that one. A lot of guys think it's the vagina that whole part that's the feeling

and you see it in porn so you're blasting away I'm just reliving high school all over again basically but that's not it you gotta you gotta stroke it friends

that's not the vagina it's the clit like kneading dough yeah like kneading dough get a rolling pin out all that stuff like the scroll wheel on a mouse yes much like that yeah it's like Like kneading dough? Yeah, like kneading dough. Get a rolling pin out. All that stuff.

Like the scroll wheel on a mouse? Yes. Much like that. Yeah, it's like the scroll wheel on a mouse. That's terms I can understand. No finger blasting. All right, Stephen. Sure, so I like the Texans in the AFC South.

Oh, nice. Okay. Beautiful segue. Okay. You like the Texans? Yes. To win it? Yes. Whoa!

Look at this. What the fuck? The whole division is a losing division. Yep. Stinky division. Are you sure? Who are you? Is the computer?

But they're not good, though, is the thing. Yeah, they don't. The whole division is not good, is the thing. When's the last time this happened? Like, NFC West did it with the Seahawks, I think. I think the Eagles. You guys have a division? It's the worst roster in the division.

It's the worst quarterback in the division. The NFC East a couple years ago. I bet it was more than 10 now. Washington football team, I believe, was. Oh, that's what it was. I think they had a tie, so they might have been exactly 500. I think they were like 7, 8, and 1. This is some controversial data.

Yeah, so this is 25-1. You bet in the Barstool Sportsbook. For the Texans to win the division. Nice return, yeah. You just like Davis Mills or what? I do. I like Davis Mills a lot. You don't like Matt Ryan with the Colts.

I don't. Carson Wentz gets a lot of guff. Wait, wait, but you don't, but what about? Yeah, I mean, the computer and I are speaking as one. Okay, that makes sense. Singularity. So the computer agrees with you? Yeah.

I mean, it's reading what I put in. So it's not actually the computer's doing nothing? What do you mean? How does the data get formulated? Well, he puts it in. I put it in. Right, so you just decided. Well, then it's formalized.

So you really didn't even need the computer, really. Of course I did. Yeah. Why? You could have done it on a piece of paper. You could have wrote this down. A piece of paper the size of the one Kate has wouldn't even do it. Well, she did it.

I actually think I could do it with a piece of paper. I'd argue napkin. Yeah. A napkin. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Okay. You definitely could on a napkin. Yeah. A napkin. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Okay. You definitely could on a napkin.

All right, give me a pen. Anyone got a pen? Schedule and win-loss, win-loss, win-loss. There's a pen right at your feet, big cat. All right, great. This is going to take me four seconds. Right on the back of the prep sheet. All right, here we go.

Fit the entire blog, I'm sure. All right. Well, continue, Steven. Are you ready? I'm just going to do it. I'm surprised about the Titans. The Titans are a good team, and Robert Woods – Number one seed last year.

Shouldn't be that much of a drop-off, or should he? Yeah, I mean, I'm just not a believer in Ryan Tannehill. They traded A.J. Brown for a younger version in Traylon Burks. I don't know if he's going to be fully up to speed, especially to the point where A.J. Brown was last year. Derrick Henry's 28, coming off an injury. I just see them taking a step back. I don't think that he's going to be fully up to speed, especially to the point where A.J. Brown was last year. Derrick Henry's 28, coming off an injury. I just see them taking a step back. I don't think that that's a crazy opinion.

I just think that they're about to enter rebuild mode, and I think this season will solidify it. Why do you see the Texans taking a step forward, though? A minor step forward. I think I do like Davis Mills. I do like what they've been doing under Nick Casario. I think the drafting of Derek Stinley. I think Derek Stinley is going to be an immediate impact guy,

just like he was at LSU, even though he had a couple down years. Kenyon Green solidifying the offensive line with Laramie Tunsell, Titus Howard. I think that they are in a position to succeed in a very weak division. I think the Jaguars are the worst team in it, but not by that much. And then Colts and Titans are very middling. Can you power rank these four teams' color rush uniforms, please?

Oh. It's an order. No, I'd do Texans, Titans, Colts, Jaguars. Is Texans the all-red one? It's the Texans. I did the all-blue. Navy blue. Because I don't like the red one, but I like the Navy one. Yeah, Jaguars. Is Texans the all-red one? The Texans, I think, all blue. Because I don't like the red one, but I like the Navy one.

Yeah, that's true. If it's the red one, I'd put Titans 1, Texans 2. Do you like Trevor Lawrence? I think he will be good, but he's got a lot of... I mean, he was in the league with one of the worst coaching regimes that had ever existed. So he's got a lot of things to unlearn, I'm sure. But I think he will take a step forward.

Married at a young age. Is that a good son or a bad son for a franchise QB? He's a a lot of things to unlearn, I'm sure. But I think he will take a step forward. Married at a young age. Is that a good son or a bad son? I worry about that. He's a southern guy, so I feel like that's pretty common down there. Brandon was 10 years old. Brandon was 16. Yes. No, no, no.

He was 17. His wife was 12. Yeah. Right. Yes. But they're related, so it's okay. But yeah, so this is my biggest, I don't call it reach, but I guess surprise thing. Boom, just did my data for all the AFC.

That took two seconds. Okay. Oh, wow. Add up the wins and losses. Okay. Yep, it adds up. What's the total? How'd you add without a computer?

Well, see, it was pretty easy, because what I did was Bills are 12-5, the Patriots are 9-8, the Dolphins are 8-9, and the Jets are 5-12. That adds up. How are you doing this math? It's fucking crazy, dude. It's crazy. But when you do the whole league, it won't add up to the appropriate amount of wins and losses.

Okay, all right, I'll finish the whole league, and then you can add it up. Okay, perfect. All you have to do is have – No, no, no, don't reveal my computer algorithm please uh the afc west after a cape fact okay um number six location location location where is the clitoris i feel like is the big joke the big question because guys can never seem to find it or whatnot uh it's not always visible. Sometimes you've got to go to the Thompson Central Park New York lobby, walk past the concierge desk, through the curtains on the left down the hallway.

You'll be greeted by a small, humble dining room. If you smell burgers on the griddle, you're on the right path. A hostess named Ivana will ask you three riddles about the Ming Dynasty. But it's a trick. Instead, wink twice and give her the secret handshake. Two knuckle bumps with a snap. She'll point you to the large mirror behind the hostess stand. Stand before it and whisper

it fairly special ten times with your eyes closed. It will slide open. Enter. You'll find yourself in the lobby of a Chase bank. Press 7-8-9-6 into the keypad of the third machine from the right and then proceed into the attached office building. I knew all this so far.

An elevator door will open. Get in. Press PH. I know a woman's vagina has a sensitive PH, but that's not the case here. You're just going to the penthouse. Once on the roof, you'll see a pair of binoculars resting on a small buffet-style crate and barrel table. Pick them up and follow the arrows on the slate beneath your feet to the west edge of the roof. It's the Deloitte Finance Building directly ahead of you, but only one window is lit.

Look through your binoculars and read the note held up by Charles Murphy, a junior associate there. Not that that part matters. The note says, slicing with Bryson. You're stumped. But wait, all of a sudden, you remember that in 2020, after his win at Winged Foot, he celebrated with a slice of pizza from

Mamaroneck Mainstay Sows. We're talking Bryson DeChambeau. Right. You rush to Grand Central Station. You catch the next train out of NYC to Mamaroneck at 12.45 a.m. Upon arrival, your estranged Uncle Dennis will be waiting in the mall of 2015 GMC

Jimmy. Get in the back left seat. Look in the pocket in the seat in front of you and lo and behold, it's... No! No, Kate! Oh, no! I thought... Oh, no!

Forgot the pin code 188 7896 Shit It's a pack of wet wipes Wet wipes Wet wipes You ask yourself

What could this mean? But then the excitement Of them being Well wet Is all you need To keep you going Aha Mother always gives you

Wet wipes After your crock pot Wing night And Sal's probably Has hot wings Uncle Dennis Take me And Sal's probably has hot wings. Uncle Dennis, take me to Sal's ASAP. You fly down Mount Pleasant Avenue, which you take as another sign. Dennis turns on to Mamerica and Palmer,

and a large Italian woman in an apron waits out front with a basket of wings. Now, wait a minute. Every single one of these wings is a drumette. What? Going down on a woman takes rhythm. Drumettes, rhythm, drumettes, rhythm. That's right. The 2002 classic with Nick Cannon and Zoe Saldana, Drumline. Yes. I'm getting out of read music.

It's all starting to make sense. You smile at the Italian woman outside Sal's Pizza. Buona fortuna, she says, winking. Rushing back to the GMC, Jimmy, you remember you've got a Drumline DVD in your storage unit back home in Lambertville. Dennis is already on it. Damn, which rubber mate is it in, though, you worry? You haven't been there in over a year. Dennis drives on towards

Jersey as the sun begins to peak above. What the fuck? No! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. Steven? No! Oh my god This is so embarrassing Steven No Wait but Where is it In the AFC West

I like the Chiefs to finish on last I am done with my data And so that took me I don't know four minutes Can I collect it Please come collect it He's not going to get in the way of his data All you have to do is That took me, I don't know, four minutes. Okay, can I collect it? Yeah, please come collect it. Please come collect it. He's not going to get in the way of his data, is he? Well, no.

All you have to do is make sure. I literally did that. Yeah. Mirror image. Every single division. Is it the same record on every division? I don't know. It's just they add up. Yeah.

The games they play. Okay, so Steven. Mm-hmm. This is the data. This might break his heart. He really thinks without a computer, he could never complete this task. What does he do in the computer?

Do you not add single digits? You don't know? That's a good question, Kate. He enters made-up numbers into an Excel spreadsheet. You think you've won by making every team's number and division add up to 17, but I can assure you that that will be incorrect based on the games played. Oh, okay. Because there are

a certain number of divisions that play more AFC games and less NFC games based on 17. But he just has their record, right? Yeah, he just has their record. This would be an impossible outcome. Why? I mean, I can go through it and tell you, but it'll take hours of work.

Okay, I look forward to that episode. Okay. Where are we? Ooh, you like the Texans at 9-8, so even better than I had. Yeah. Did you see than I had. Yeah. Did you see what I had the NFC South? That's rude. You put the Bucks at 0-17.

Oh, whoops. It's data. No, it's not on a computer. It's not data. That's opinion. What Steven's doing is data. Big difference. By definition, the sheet is called raw data.

You named it. You put a written raw data Every year Kyle I love how much this tickles Kyle every year too I was literally crying Look at his eyes dude He has tears coming out So Steven if I

Whatever If I wrote raw data on my dick and shoved it down your throat, would the raw data be in you now? Would it be in me? Yeah. It's down your throat, so it's not just in your mouth. It's down your throat. I gave you raw data. 4,000 nerve endings.

I don't know if that could be classified. This is raw data based on the Excel definition. What's the definition? That would just be your dick. Right, but no, it says raw data on it. Yeah, but it doesn't translate like that. Oh, okay. All right, well, that's a stupid question.

What division are we in? You also cook this raw data quite a bit. Yeah, he does. He cooks the books. It all adds up. AFC West. So I have the Chargers winning at 11-6. Every team being above 500 in this division.

The Chiefs in last at 9-8. The Raiders I like and the Broncos, three playoff teams from this division. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. What do you think changes with the chiefs else tyra kill was arguably uh their best player i think you know uh obviously the argument can

be made for patch from home and trevis kelsey and chris jones etc but uh yeah the the chiefs take a step back i think the broncos they obviously got russell wilson uh the raiders i like i think josh mcdaniels he's my pick for coach of the year he was in the afc west before he started six and oh i feel like he can learn a lot of things and he has a much better roster this time he's hit kyle ordnett quarterback that time and the charges i just think are loaded i think that they're the most complete team in the league wow so the chiefs missed the playoff i think they might have snuck justin long out of here it might have yeah they snuck him out of here. Brought him through the back entrance like the Blues Brothers. I walked by the Cito, and he's gone from there.

I think they took him back. I used to be a bouncer here in the 70s. Brought him back through the bowels of the building. Okay, biggest individual upset in this division? Single game? Yeah. Can I ask that every time I ask a question? Who do you have the Chiefs losing to?

Let me see. He's typing away. Yeah. Oh, go to birddogs.com. Use promo code YAK. Free Bird Dogs rope hat. Bird Dogs has sweatshirts. They have joggers.

They have everything. Go to birddogs.com. Enter promo code YAK. Throw in a free Bird Dogs rope hat. That's birddogs.com, enter promo code YAK, throw in a free Bird Dogs rope hat. That's birddogs.com, promo code YAK, and boom, a free Bird Dogs rope hat with your pair of Bird Dogs. The most comfortable shorts, pants, and sweatpants with built-in liners. You will not want to take these things off, I promise you. Is that the salad bowl you bring in every day?

I'm going to start, yeah. The bowls we have here are the size of a palm. I'm so sad about. Yeah. The bulls we have here are the size of a palm. I'm so sad about the queen. Heartbreaking. Fucking God save the king, though. Whoa, that's a big bull. Who's next after Charles slash Arthur or whatever his name is going to be? The one that's married.

The tall one. Jeff D. Lowe had a tweet. The bald one. William. William. Who's married to Kate. Yes. And then their son is the The bald one. William. William. Who's married to Kate. Yes. And then their son is the next?

Yeah. Got it. We're not due for a queen. Oh, so here's the line. Look at the shorts out there. Nicky Clicky. Yeah, it's on fourth. A lot of people don't know that.

I've been pretty hush hush. This also doesn't explain any of it Because it's all these names Like the Duke of Cambridge These are just all titles Right Earned Doesn't help us at all

I have a question Does the Duke of Cambridge move up To become the Prince of Wales now? I think That's what it seems like Yeah Does the depth chart fluid? I think because

They all move up a spot If you vacated It doesn't stay vacant Yeah Okay The only way there will be another queen Is if Prince George is, he's only nine years old now, first born is a girl. Fingers crossed.

Damn. We could kill her and just wait for a boy. True. True. The current Twitter hashtags right now, yeah, I saw that. Unbelievable. Oh, God. It's going to be a good day on Twitter.

We're probably missing it. OG Ananobi. Yeah, the hashtags right now are Rip Bozo, She's Dead, She Died, Betty White. Why do we hate her? Colonialism. Colonialism. Her son was a pedophile. Yeah, big time pedophile.

Big time. He couldn't be king. Diana stuff. Yep, the Diana stuff. Yeah, big time pedophile. Big time. He couldn't be king. Diana stuff. Yep, the Diana stuff. Yeah. Was that a serious tweet, TJ? Like just showing British athletes? I guess.

They deleted it pretty quickly. So is Pippa going to be the queen? No. She's going to be a princess forever? Or is she even a princess? Pippa's not married to William. She's only related to a princess, right? Kate is Pippa's sister who's married. Oh, fuck, that's what I meant to say.

Kate. My bad. The Middletons own like a giant, they're like, their wealth is from sex toys, I think. No way. What? Yeah, I think so. Wow. But, uh, so is she a queen or a princess? Pippa? Uh, Kate. She'll be queen, eventually.

But she's princess now, right? Wow. Yeah, but she won't marry the prince. Didn't she renounce the whole? That was Meghan. No, that was Meghan Markle. Because once again, she knew she was never going to be. Whoa.

This dude, I think he's part of QAnon, tweeted in, what's the sixth month? June. June 7th, the queen dies. September 8th, 2022. King Charles dies. March 28th, 2026. Oh. You got the exact date right.

These tweets have happened before with other events. They have a ton. Yeah, they just do a ton, and then they delete them, and then they go unprotected. Yeah. It'll happen when Super Bowl exact scores tweeted before the season starts. I'm going to start doing that. DJ, that rock tweet you just pulled up,

what was that? Is he running for president or something? The rock announces president? He's running for queen. I love it because the queen... This is from 2011 when Osama bin Laden died. It's awesome. It's like a free

We don't have to be nice to the queen We literally skirted them We literally fucking broke off from them And they were trying to kill us the whole time Also I'm very much a belief if you live past 90 It's a celebration not a celebration Fucking so old How old was she?

She had to have been miserable Some old people do want to die That's true Some don't though How old was she? She had to have been miserable. 94? Some old people do want to die. Oh, yeah. That's true. Some don't, though. How old was she? 90-something. She had to have been.

96. She was queen. We win again. We got Jimmy Carter. He's 97. Whoa. He's still doing. He'll never die. It's half her humanity.

Big dub. Huge. She was queen for like 70 years. I have a question too. Couldn't they just be like, we're done with the queen and king thing and wouldn't it not affect the country at all? I don't think so.

Correct. Actually, it probably would help the country because I'm pretty sure that them doing stuff is taxpayer stuff. Yeah. But then they make the argument that it's tourism. Yeah. I just don't get what they're doing now.

Yeah. It's their deal. Who do you think she fucked? Who do you think she was fucking her whole life? the argument that it's tourism yeah i just don't get like why they're what they're doing now yeah it's their deal who do you think she fucked who do you think she was fucking her whole life well her husband was chungus didn't any of you watch the series no life the crown i i started i half watched it her husband was a cheater yeah and she was in love with the guy who raised racehorses but it like it was never meant to be because she was so closely watched she she was in love with the guy who raised racehorses but it was never meant to be because she was so closely watched. She was in love

with this other guy but it just couldn't be. And they would have gossiped so hard. And horse racing. That could have been way more fun. Yeah, way better.

How many kings and queens we got left in the world? They're just going to keep happening. No, I know, but how many countries? Countries have it? A lot, I think.

I think a lot of these I think England is the last one where they have it be such a prominent title. Middle East, right? There's definitely got to be a king of Netherlands. It seems like everybody's a crown prince in Saudi. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hayden is about to get married. Princess Louane de Lesseps. First reported live. Yeah, we broke it. Yep. That's a fact. Yep. First reported live.

We got a younger picture when she's hot. Yeah, what did she do? I know, right? She was old forever. She fact. Yeah. First reported live. We got a younger picture when she's hot. Yeah, what did she do? I know, right? She was old forever. She was. Yeah. She was the queen for like 75 years or some shit. I think that's the fourth time we've said that.

Sorry. Think about all the technology she's- Circle back in like five. Think about all the technology she saw. That blows my mind Yes Yep Yeah

Or airplanes Because she saw the tech Now and 70 years ago Right All while being the queen Yeah She did oppress people She had a long tenure

Like she might be The most oppressive person In the history of the world I mean wasn't she there Pure stats World War II She's an accumulator Yeah she's not like a

I would hate to live in her house Imagine being that rich And that old And you always lived in that dumb big house. Old stuffy ass dusty house. Probably doesn't have... It doesn't have AC. At all. There's like gold Fabergé eggs everywhere. Are we going to have a big king thing?

A big king ceremony? Probably. Oh, yeah. It's going to be like months and months. Who's this Japanese king? Queen Marguerite? Huh. What the hell is she doing?

Yeah, who's that guy? Emperor. Oh, Emperor's kind of badass. Emperor's way cooler than king. King Abdullah. Oh, yeah. Funny if it was just... Who is this goof from Monaco?

What about a sultan? That's a... He's a king? That's not a king. Monaco is a... That guy sells life insurance. Yeah. But there's only like 50 people in Monaco. Got a face for a king That's not a king That guy That guy sells Life insurance Yeah But there's only like

50 people in Monaco Bus stop bench Ambulance chasing Alright guys Let's do smash or pass Okay I'm smashing all the kings Island

Oh that's a good looking King That's a good looking king Pepper Yup Dame Patsy Dame Patsy. Dame Patsy. UAE smash.

Wait, the Pope is considered a king? A king of Vatican, I guess. I guess. This is just a list of monarchs of sovereign states. It doesn't have to be a king, I guess. I don't know what a sovereign state is. It's just like the leader of a monarch of a country. It would be really funny if you just keep scrolling and then it's just Ben Mintz.

Ben Mintz. King of the South. He's no longer the king. Does he have his king? Oh, he's back. No, he's not. I actually think Dave said that if the queen dies, we have to restore order by putting all of our monarchs

back in their rightful place. I think that's what he said. I don't think that's what he said. Yeah, he's like, it's going to be a tumultuous time for all the kings. I might have spent a couple hundred dollars on the crown. I'm going to need it for at least a month or so. Just give it to Ben.

Yeah. It won't go to waste. It'll be bequeathed to the rightful king. Long live Ben Mintz. Just keep it in the office. Hopefully he gets here tomorrow. As long as I can take it to Iowa. Damn, dude.

Steve, you got anything on quick? She gone. Oh, yeah. We haven't even got to the NFC yet. Oh, yeah. We got to keep going. Yeah. I agree with most of what Kate said.

What do you disagree with? Yeah. Pretty much everything. You're the expert here. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Explain to her. Three questions about what dynasty was it? Ming.

That's okay. That's a dynasty, I think. It is? Yes. It is, but... Number one pick in the draft Let's go NFC East Yep Oh the game the Chiefs

No surprising upsets but they were 1-5 in their division Oh that's bad That means they lose two home games To the Raiders, Chargers and Broncos Home games That means they lose two home games to the Raiders, Chargers, and Broncos. Four. No, two. Home games.

Oh. Yeah. They beat the Broncos at home. So the Raiders are walking in winning and the Chargers are walking in winning. Yes. Damn. NFC East. Roman, I like the birds.

I don't love them, but I like like oh he had you going for a second 10 and 7 big cats super bowl pick um i also like the commanders to make the playoffs wow nine and eight dallas i think underwhelms at eight nine the giants i think are also a frisky team eight and a frisky they're more of a little minx. By the way, I just saw this tweet. Someone said, today's a big day, but when you have the time, Google Charles, comma, tampon. Can we do that? I'm interested.

Can we do that? Yeah. I don't know. I would like to see what this is. Like Prince Charles? Charles, tampon. TJ, can you do it? They were specific about the comma. What was tampon game? Tampon. TJ, can you do it? They were specific about the comma.

What was Tampon Gate? Tampon Gate. What the hell? Poor Steven, all of his data is just completely up. Okay, what was Tampon Gate? Scandal and why is the crown covering it? Prince Charles' cringeworthy phone call with Camilla Parker Bowles. Explicit six-minute phone call.

Excruciating detail as the lovers. So this is a sexy phone call between Camilla and Charles. Okay, yeah, you read, Kate. Let's see. Oh, God. Oh, no. I'll play Charles. No, Rowan, you play Charles.

I couldn't possibly. Oh, you can do a British accent. Come on. Stephen Che, you beat Camilla. Yeah, you beat Cam you play Charles. I could impossibly. Oh, you can do a British accent. Come on. Stephen Che, you be Camilla. Yeah, you be Camilla, Stephen. Oh, hell yes. Hold on. I want to tweet out a link to this.

Oh, and they were both married at the time. So they're... Oh, my God. Oh, God. Ready? What do you mean you can't read it? I can read it. I have poor eyesight, as you can probably tell.

There's two British-ass people. Ugly people. Wait, who am I? You're Camilla. Oh, tell. There's two British-ass people. Who am I? You are Camilla. Please do a female British voice. I don't know if I have that in my bag. Fine, you can be Charles. I can only do chimney sweep voice.

Steven, you be Charles. Do a British accent. Oh my god, this is awesome. This rules. Who am I playing? Nick, be the narrator. You're Charles. All right, Nick,, be the narrator. You're Charles. All right, Nick, you be the narrator.

Early on in this call, a couple, both married to other people at the time, dabbled in double entendres before going full-on raunch. What does double entendres mean? Come on. You're breaking the... I want to feel like we're there.

Oh, stop. I want to feel my way along you. All over you and up and down. Jay, they're British. British, British. They're British. Roan, remind me of a British accent. Oh, stop.

All right, stop. Roan's got to do it. Roan, you got to do it. Roan has to do it. I knew you had that. I knew you were fucking holding back on us. Everyone has to do it. I want to hear Che do it.

I want to hear Che British accent. Come on. Oh, stop. Pretty good. I want to feel my way along you, all over you, and up and down you, and in and out. Oh. Particularly in and out. Oh! Particularly in and out. Oh, that's

just what I need at the moment. Is it? Then, in an idea of Nick. Then, in an idea that they probably both still wake up in a cold sweat about even now, they went even deeper.

Oh, God. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier. What are you going to turn into? A pair of knickers? Oh, you're just going to have to come back as a pair of knickers. Oh, you're just going to have to come back as a pair of knickers. Or, God forbid, a Tampax.

Just my luck. You are a complete idiot. Oh, what a wonderful idea. Then the conversations veer off into more the sort of chat you'd expect from an older couple as they discuss the quickest way to get to Port Power.

Suggested meeting place. Oh, right. What do you do? Go on the M25 and then down the M4, is it? Yes, you go sort of to Ronson Royston or M11 at that time of night. But the damage had been done.

Wait, is there more? That's it. Oh, God. Oh, hold on. Keep going. Tampon gate. Tampon gate. Wow.

What if I were a tampon? I'd love to live inside you. Isn't that bacon? Man, you think she was just loving it? Oh, yeah. Or she was just like, uh, what? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That sounds awesome. If a man says he wants to live inside your vagina, that's hot. That is. I'd love to be your tampon. It's like worse than the Armie Hammer stuff. Oh, yeah. That's way grosser. I want to be a tampon.

What an idea. What an idea. Oh, man. I love that. That was awesome. Sometimes I like to imagine Pat as a diva cup. Wedged on in there. Imagine that. Soaking up my menstruation. That was awesome. Sometimes I like to imagine Pat as a diva cup. Wedged on in there.

Imagine that. Soaking up my menstruation. So is the NFC North? Yeah, here we go. Here we go. NFC North. I have the Packers taking a little bit of a step back, but still the class of the division, 10-7. The Vikings being a little bit frisky at 10-7.

The Lions improved, 8-9, and the Bears, 5-12. The Lions being a little bit frisky at 10-7. The Lions improved 8-9 and the Bears 5-12. The Lions are frisky then. The Lions are frisky. There's a lot of frisky teams. The Pats 8-9? Not frisky. Not frisky bad.

They're underperforming what people have the image of in their mind. Did the Lions win week one? Let me see. Oh, no. The Eagles. You can just.

Oh, no. Feels like you could just say. We're right here. Well, I have to see. I don't have every game memorized. Sunday. Eagles beat the Lions. What's the score?

What's the score? We don't have scores except for the Super Bowl. What? What wide receiver do you have except for the Super Bowl. What? What wide receiver do you have emerging for the Packers? Dobbs? Lazard? Hard to say. There's a lot. Sammy Watkins is the most reliable based on

track record. Alan Lazard. Romian Dobbs is flashing the preseason. I will say against the Eagles, I think we're going to do great. This is the first time the Lions stadium has sold out in, like, forever. Ever, I think. I think I'm going to put more on my Eagles bet. Yeah.

It'll only fire them up more, I'm sure. Billy didn't react hard enough. Yeah. How many units did you put on it? What was that? TB? My units fluctuate. This is your big bet.

No. Oh. That's the Queen Elizabeth game of the year. This is our big bet. But it's the future. It's long odds. Yeah, it's crazy odds. Okay.

All right, NFC South. Okay. Not a crazy surprise. Bucks winning 11-6 there. I think it's like minus 275 or minus 278 to win. I mean, they're the heavy, heavy favorite to win. We can't see anything. I have them being projected under their win total at 11 wins.

I have the Saints at 9-8 but missing the playoffs due to a tie break with the Commanders and the Panthers and Falcons both being 5-12. Now, Steven, what games did the Bucs lose? Yes. Yes. Are you going to see a win or a loss? They lose week two to the Saints. So they're down in that game.

That'll be a mask game. What do you mean? Because you put on the mask. We're going through this. Well, anytime they could be losing to the Cowboys by one score and then I'll put the mask on. Are they in your data? I don't have the scores except for the Super Bowl.

According to your data, how often will you wear the mask? If they're down one score, pretty frequently. We'll put it on for that loss and then you can take it off for the next game. What? Put your mask on. They're down.

They just lost to the Saints. Oh, Spider dropped off a bunch of masks. Oh, yeah, has he? Now, let's not confuse hat with mask. Yeah. Well, there's a bunch here. Yeah, I know. Let's get a mask on.

Oh, that's a good mask. That's a good one. That's Kane. That's Kane. All right. Yeah, that'll do. So. That's a good one. That's a cane? Yeah, that's a cane. All right. Yeah, that'll do. So that was – Oh, yeah.

That'll do. That was week two. Now week three, who did they play? That's a cane. Week three, they beat the Packers. All right, so you can take the mask off. Take the mask off. They beat the Packers.

And week four? Beat the Packers, lose to the? Beat the Packers. Lose to the Saints. Wow. Beat the Chiefs week four. Okay, nice. Week five? Beat the Falcons. Nice. Week six? Beat the Steelers.

Okay, week seven? And they drop to 11-6. Beat the Panthers week seven? Wow, week eight. Five and one, and they drop to 11 and six. The loss is cool. Beat the Panthers week seven. Wow, week eight? Six and one? They're going to crawl into the playoffs. What happened? Lose to the Ravens.

Put the mask back on. Can you do a JPP through the mask? Whatever. One's got a lot of hair. That's not a mask. But you can keep it on. Oh, Back to Kane Put Kane back on

Hold on We have several more losses Well that's a hat Well I know That's a hat Put the Kane back on Bald Kane Bald Kane

Oh yeah Kane wears a bald So what are we at Week 8 Week 8? Week 8, they lose to the Ravens. Okay, so that stays on. Week 9?

They lose to the Rams week 9. Okay, week 10? That ends up costing them the number one seed in the NFC. Oh, wow. That's a huge loss. Week 10? They beat the Seahawks week 10. Take it off? You can keep the hat on.

You got your tag through that? Week, what are we at now? Week 10, they beat the Seahawks in Germany. Okay. Week 11. They beat the Browns. Okay, week 12. John Watson.

That was week 12. They lose the Saints week 13. Okay. A double loss to the Saints this year again? Swap. Jesus Christ, dude. No faith. What week are we on?

Alright. Just give a JPP. What is Mintzy doing? We lose the 49ers week 14. He has a board that says King of the South. What the hell? And you can't just buy those, folks. Oh, no.

That was a walk-by. Holy shit. What are you going to do? I don't know. Go take it from him. No. I warned you about monarchs being weak today.

He is kind of taking over, seizing sovereignty. All right, where are we at? Week 15 and 16, they win. Week 17, we lose to the Panthers. Yeah, Mascot would have to get back on for that. It would have to. Are we getting into playoffs after we go through to finish the NFC? Yeah.

And then week 18, we beat the Falcons. All right, nice. Okay, there's the Bucs. See, that wasn't that we get 18, we beat the Falcons. All right, nice. Okay, there's the Bucs. See, that wasn't that bad. 11-6. Not so bad. I can't believe you're going to do that every game, dude. Every game.

It's going to be a one score. Someone's going to be down one. It might be the whole game. We did decide that it's only Bucs down one. Yeah. Because it doesn't really make sense if the Bucs are up. So it's Bucs down one. Down one score, he had to put it up.

It'll be a rally mask. I'm 100% with this. And you'll tweet it out every time, I presume. I'm going to be on the streams. Yeah. Anyone that I'm not, I will. He mansplained down one score to me today. I wanted to gave his skull in.

Not know. He was just like, yeah, if they're down like six points, seven points, eight points. Not nine. Not nine. Two. Yeah. All right. NFC West, we can breeze through this.

The Rams, number one seed in the NFC, 11-6, which is disappointing. 49ers, Eakins, the playoffs at 9-8. Cardinals, 8-9. And the Seahawks, worst team in the NFL, 4-13. Wow. Sheesh. Tough. Do we have any more clip facts?

No, that's all I know about it. Okay. Sorry. Do you have a live presentation? Oh, God. Well, I do have a tampon. That's all the Prince Charles. I will say. Well, I do have a tampon. If anybody's interested. That's all the Prince Charles.

I will say. I wanted to get those cookies. You see that bake shop here that does anatomically correct genital baked goods? We did not see that. Oh, yeah. They just opened up a few months ago. And there's like, you know, you see at a bachelorette party, they do a cupcake that looks like a pussy or a dick or whatever.

These are like every flap, every whatever. What kind of yeast do they use? A lot. A lot, a lot. That's gross. Yeah. It's not that far from here. And it's like a bar.

So you eat dick and pussy shaped foods and you drink. And it's like this hip thing to do in the city now. You got oysters? I was going to get a bunch of pussy stuff. Yeah, yeah. Steven could show us. You could break down a clam. You could.

Steven, do you want to do the playoffs right now? Or do you want to do the, should we spin the wheel? Sure, let's spin the wheel. One thing I will tease, though, is that I put this all together in a parlay, which I just retweeted on the Yak handle, the shareable bet slip, plus $325,000. $15.37 could net you $50,000. And that's the division winners.

Eight division winners. Wow. Not bad. Throw $15 on it. It's fun. I want to do it. Yeah, that is fun. Just put $50 million on it.

Throw the slushie on that one. Yeah. I will. Oh, okay, great. Oh, the whole thing? $12K for $575? I'm also getting dragged over the coals for that with our internal finance team. What do you mean?

What do you mean? There's a lot of legalities and taxation rules. Oh, that's a shame. I'm so sorry. Yeah, it's a bummer. Also, like, that you can't get money from our show? No, I don't know. I've been hit up.

I was hit up by three different people this morning. Steven is like when someone wins the lottery, like, worst thing that ever happened to my life. He always dies soon after. Everyone's coming asking for money. Yeah. But yeah, let's do the regular wheel. Side note, some guy commented, remember in the beginning

when I started, my only fans, I was like, I'm going to donate some of it to the slush fund, some of it to other stuff, and I never did. Well, I'm not going to. Fuck you guys. It's actually been pretty neat, so sorry. It's been life changing.

But I do think I'll toss in a life-changing. Yeah. But I do think I'll toss in like a Honda or something. Nah. Nah. Don't do that. Jordan Woodruff drove a Bugatti in today. Yeah, she did. In through the side of the building.

She just didn't care. Yeah, she threw the keys in Spider's face. Oh, Ebony surpassed me. Ebony's making a lot of money. Yes. I checked in with her. Forgot about that. It's a very's making a lot of money. Yes. I checked in with her. I forgot about that. It's a very real.

It's very real. Yeah. Oh, how real? Very real. Very like full on. Extremely. Very real? Yeah. Barbecue sauce covered booty.

Like very real? The actual barbecue sauce? Pretty real. No, I just made the barbecue sauce up. No sugar in that. Any dip? True. I'm just saying there's like good old booty cheeks.

Wow. Okay. I don't think she minds. I think she wants the word out there. That's why I asked. Oh, she got the bear ass. Not yet. D&P.

Bear ass. She's just flaunting what you got. I mean, for money. You know what I mean? There's money to be made. Hell yeah. Ron, that video with Tommy was hilarious. Hilarious.

Hell yeah. It was incredible. Made out with Tico Tex. Go watch that shit because that shit is funny. They've been very close since. Hanging out all the time. The mom is fully on board. Yeah, Tico's mom loves it.

Praying for it. Praying for them to get together. A little teaser for Barstool Advisors. Tommy has made a bet that could result in him showing his penis on his OnlyFans. Jesus Christ. I feel like he just wants to do that.

Dave and I kind of strong-armed. Okay. Yeah. What's the bet? There has to be an exact score. One team has to win by an exact score on Sunday. This week? This week.

He would receive $10,000 from me and Dave, and he would have to post his cock. That's not that bad. Is it a crazy number? No, it's the team that has to win by one. Tune in to the Barstool Sports Advisors, all the details. His dick is small, but it's thin. Yeah.

It gets really hard, though. Oh, my God. He chose dick over balls. He's like a doorstopper. He chose dick over balls? He chose dick over balls. That's a crazy choice. His balls are weird.

They are. They must be extreme. Oh, they are. You could manipulate them and make them look odd. They're angular. They're sharp angles. There'll be a result that everyone in the world should be rooting for. I didn't know the nut was in the yak root chat.

Yeah, it's in there. Oh, yeah. I saw it. Oh, yeah. And I saw it. Oh. It's like a baked potato. Yeah, it's big.

It's huge. It's large. Heavy hungry. Melon. Aw, dropping. Okay, spin it. I can't believe it never lands on 24-hour fast. All right.

Okay. I won't be doing that. 24-hour fast. All right. Okay. I won't be doing that. 24-hour fast? No. We all have to do it the minute it hits. Oh, you said. 20 minutes. 20 minutes to eat.

You said we have 20 minutes. You say six meals a day? It's smaller. I like that. Well. Sorry, brother. You're on one. Two days in a row.

I'll stop in a day or two. Okay. Probably get super lean. No, I don't want to be lean. But just for one day. It'll be huge. Just for a day. No, just bigger.

I want to get fit so bad. You ever get to the point where you're like, I really got to do something? Yeah, every day. I signed up for this 20 hot yoga classes eight months ago. I went once. How much was it and how long did it last? It was like $400 something. Damn.

I did way worse. I bought a rowing machine. I haven't used it once. I've never used that. Once. Like a year ago. If you don't want to move that, take it off your hands. You actually can come and get it. Really? Yeah. I would used that. Once. Or like a year ago. If you don't want to move that, take it off your hands. You actually can come and get it.

Really? Yeah. I would love that. I'm going to beat him to it. I want it more than he does. But you're not going to use it. You're not going to use it. I am. I row.

What? That's what I did last year. All right, then come get it. I don't fucking want it anymore. Rock Dippers is their best of seven. How about Slush Funds? You can just have it. I'll just buy mine.

How about Leg Cast? It's a nice rowing machine. It's the one where the tank has water in it. Those are cool. I want a Best Buy. What if you bring it in here and it goes on the wheel at all? It probably wasn't, but they got one of them. What if it goes on the wheel and whoever gets it has to row the whole time?

I'm down for that. I've got to get it out of my house. How are you going to bring it in here? You're going to need a moving truck. Someone's pickup truck. You guys have a cockswain? Would it fit in the minivan? No.

Maybe. If your leg was in a cast. It would fit in the minivan. It surely should. All right. I'll set it up with you. Actually, you've got to come to my house. I'll get it by the night.

Night? How can I be homophobic? I don't want. No, I don't want either of you at my house. You don't want Steve and Shay to be too fit. I've been to your house. Yeah. No, you haven't.

No, I don't want that. Not my new house. I've been to your street. You have been to my street. You have been my... That's where Tommy picked up his lighter. So got that lighter. So has Steven. Steven's been to my street.

I've been to your street. You have been to my street? I came to your place. I think I was in there for like 15 seconds. Oh yeah, you did. Yeah, yeah, okay. Couch for Marty. Times have changed. That is interesting. I forgot about that.

You wouldn't give him furniture now. Maybe it was on fire. You're afraid if I need to use the bathroom I could go in? I politely declined. Yeah, it was a hollow offer. It was the first time you ever took the social norms You're afraid if I need to use the bathroom, I could go in? I politely declined. Yeah. It was a hollow offer. It was the first time you ever took the social norms there.

Like, no. Okay. So, yeah. Someone come pick up the rolling machine. We're in the playoffs? In the playoffs. Playoffs. Playoffs.

The boy loves to eat. Let's go. Bill's number one seed in the AFC. Chargers, Ravens, Texans, Raiders, Broncos, Bengals. The Texans are the fucking – They have to because – They want a vision. I got it.

Okay. NFC, Rams, Bucks, Packers, Eagles. Eagles, Vikings, first round? Yes. In Philly? Yep. 49ers, Commanders, rounded out. Wow.

Wait, how did the – Don't hate it. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. All right. Don't hate it. So how many division winners are different from last year? Four. Chargers, Ravens, Texans, and Eagles.

The Ravens won, didn't they? Bengals got in as a wild card. Did. Oh, so just three then? The Titans won their division. How did you figure out tiebreakers? I looked at – it was actually difficult with the NFC because there's a tiebreaker at the one, but the Rams beat the Bucs

and then there was like a three-way tie. What'd you do? Strength of schedule? He just makes it more complicated for himself. Like, you get to decide these records. It's because he wants eight teams to be ten and seven. Exactly. Right, but you... Never mind.

It's raw data. It's not cooking anything. Could have just had the Rams have one more win in the box. Yeah. It was so much time. So easy. It would have been so easy. This was nicely done.

There's reseeding in this. So the Rams and Bills get buys. Oh, wow. I love this. This is beautiful. Shout out Quigs. They did a great job. Holy shit. What happens on the bottom? Hey, can you crouch a little bit? Yeah. So the Rams and Bills get by. Oh, wow. I love this. This is beautiful. Shout out Quiggs. He did a great job.

Holy shit. What happens on the bottom? Hey, can you crouch a little bit? Yeah. Is this Quiggs data from here on out then? I mean, it's his graphics. 100% this is his graphics. He did an incredible job. Quiggs did way more work than you for this.

Yeah. And way more than he should have. It looks awesome. Is that the actual Super Bowl logo? Yeah. That's kind of dope. That's the data bowl. Oh, it's a brain.

It's a brain. I love that. It's way too much. Yes. TJ, you can play him forward. Okay. Okay. Bronco's up.

Bronco's on the road. Frisky. Yeah, that's nervous. I'm nervous too. Raiders. Okay, that makes sense. That's probably the. Raiders. Okay, that makes sense. That's probably the Saturday afternoon game. Raiders, Chargers.

That's a fucking game in the second round. Wow. Three of the four teams remaining in the AFC, all from the West. All from the West. He loves the West. Friskiest division of the year. It's going to be a bloodbath. Doggy dog.

Yep. Okay. Hey, Vikings. Vikings over Birds. Wow. I don't like that. Oh. Okay. Hey, Vikings. Vikings over birds. Wow. I don't like that. Oh. I don't like that.

Why? Why, Steven? No. They get clear up there. Because of the reseeding. So it gives away that the Bucs have won. Yeah, it does. I didn't think about that.

Yes, it does. And so did the Packers. That's okay. Yeah. Yep. No, okay. Yeah. No, dude. The Vikings are coming into Philly? No chance.

I'm going to be there with my shirt off throwing snowballs at people. Minnesota Knives isn't making it out of the link, dude. No. Oh, shit. Bluebirds, dude. That's fucked up, bro. All right. Bills. Yeah, Bills beat the Chargers.

My team. Wow. Vikings. Vikings beat the Rams? To get the Bucks in the Super Bowl, guys. Oh, yeah. Whoa! Mask on.

Put the mask on. Put the mask on. Damn. Humble. Glasses. Steven Packers. He's going to be like a pit crew by the time. Okay, you can take the mask off. We're on the next round. Damn Humble Glasses Steven Packers He's gonna be like a pit crew by the time

Okay you can take the mask off We're on the next round Okay Alright there's our final four Wow NSC North Showing out Yep

Okay Marchers That's Nick's team Packers Show it out. Yep. Okay. Oh. That's Nick's team. Oh, no. This is a disaster for me. Oh, fuck. Chargers.

You want to do a drum roll? Drum roll. No, slow clap. Slow clap. Slow clap. Chargers Way to go Chargers Seems like Che copied me Look at that You almost looked like a confetti quarterback there

Yeah I did Wow Stephen Che Confetti quarterback No I like it I see eye to eye Stephen Che, confetti quarterback. No, I like it. I see eye to eye with Che in a lot of stuff. Right. Wow. Any other data?

Yes. Oh. Some NFL honors. Oh. Oh, yeah. Stephen Che honors. Yep. MVP.

Probably should have won it last year. Nope. Coach of the year, Josh McDaniels. As I said, good year for the Raiders, I think. 10-7? Yes. 7 coach of the year.

Offensive player of the year, we got Justin Jefferson. Nearly an eagle. Cool-ass picture. Wow, that was really mean. That was really mean. I also had predicted stats for these that I put on the blog. Justin Jefferson, Offensive Player of the Year, putting up 1,842 yards and 11 touchdowns.

42, huh? 1,842. Do you have game-by-game stats on players? No. Okay. The Super Bowl score, though, 27-23. Okay, good job. Defensive Player of the Year, Max Crosby, though, 27-23. Okay, good job. Is the overhead in there?

Defensive player of the year, Max Crosby, 18.5 sacks. Great tattoos. And then MVP, Tom Brady. Should have won it last year, honestly. And I think everyone's just going to think this is his last year, and he's going to get a lot of votes due to that. So it's not his last year. Here's my theory.

If the rumors are true and he's having marital problems and potentially having a divorce, which I have no inside information on, because he wanted to come back, there is 0% chance he retires after this year. Why? Because he gets divorced? Because he got divorced. He should have built up enough equity to be like, alright, give me

five more months. He'll have nothing left to lose. And then I'm done. So he's going to play for a number of years more. You think he wants spite rings? I mean, what is he... If he loses a ring, he's down one. You know what I mean? He's got to get one back. It's true. Good point.

So I wish him the utmost personal happiness, but if things go awry, that's probably a benefit to my team. Are you rooting for the divorce then if you would get more Tom Brady? You have to be.

Yeah, you have to be. Deep down, you absolutely are. Marriage doesn't affect you. It's 50-50. Who does he date next if he divorces? That's a great question.

Jay thinks it's him. Steven, let me throw a hypothetical out there for you. Yeah. Tom Brady plays for 10 more years. All the Bucs. He wins. At this level?

At this level. He wins five more Super Bowls with the Bucs. But he gets divorced. And he remarries your wife. No. No. No. No? No. That would be awful.

What? That would be extra awful. Your kid's fucking stepdad would be Tom Brady. Your kid's financial future would be so much better. Your kids are selfish. You're a selfish fuck. If your wife left you for Tom Brady, you could get any girl you wanted.

Yeah. Imagine just looking through the bay window. Except your own wife. Yes. And you have five Super Bowls. And you get to be in the box because obviously his stepkids are your kids. Yeah, you get to be at every game. You get to be at every game.

That would be the worst. That would actually be the worst. That's a great hypothetical, right? Would you still be a Bucs fan? That would certainly test it. If he stole your wife? Yes. Man. Try to get all Justin Long on me. How can we do this?

How can we get this done? Jay, this was your best one yet, I think. Yeah, it was great. This was a huge shout out to Quiggs and TJ. Sorry the queen died. Yeah. That's okay. Ruined your dad a day. No, I thought the best part of the episode was Kate's little riddle. Yeah, clitoris. It's a clitoris. Do you know the queen? 75 years or something like that. No, I thought the best part of the episode was Kate's little riddle. Yeah, clitoris. Is it clititure? Do you know the queen?

75 years or something like that. Oh shit, on the phone? I swear to God. I had heard that somewhere. But clit, young as can be. I'm going to test that. What's the world record for someone holding a job for the longest? Holding a job for the longest? 75 years, the same job.

Oh yeah. That's a good question for the longest. 75 years, the same job. Oh, yeah. That's a good question. Also, your other question, Stephen. Do Disney cartoonists actually draw things for animation, like the same picture over and over again and just slightly different? No. Is that low-key just the worst job of all time? I used to think that as a kid.

I always wondered how they do it. They do. South Park does maybe? How? Yeah, they do because there's is like super jumpy yeah you guys want to hear a crazy conspiracy theory that I read the other night about Disney the reason why they made the frozen franchise was because now when you google Walt Disney frozen movies come trying to freeze his own brain.

Brilliant. Brilliant. That is brilliant. Wait, did he do that? Yeah. He tried to freeze his body. I think he did the Ted Williams thing, right? Yes.

He tried to freeze his brain. So he never died. He tried to freeze. No, he died. Yeah, no, he's dead. How much is the electric bill keeping a carcass frozen for decades? I don't know. Remember the time? Someone's got to stir it.

Yeah. Isn't that like, I don't know. Remember the time? Someone's got to stir it. Yeah. Isn't that like, I totally believe that. Yeah. Isn't that why Marilyn Manson came out with a vacuum? We're going to need to choke on some food so you can search that. What'd you say? It's like choke on some pizza. We're not choking.

Fuck. Oh, no. Last words. fuck oh no last words there's probably going to be some of our accounts that are going to try to people are going to try to cancel today but I'm staying firm that I think you can make fun of the queen it's what she would have wanted

she was a huge stoolie she loved banter I feel like you can't punch down on her really because no it's a total stoolie. Yeah, she loved banter. She lost a long time. She loved banter. I feel like you can't punch down on her, really, because- No. It's a total punch up. You're right. Well, she's small. And she was, well, yeah, very small.

I would have kicked her ass. I don't think she could beat anybody in a fight, especially now. How many queens- Definitely now. How many queens, rest in peace, if she could duplicate, how many do you think you could take until she took you down? How many? Oh.

Like, 15? Oh, no. Like, hundreds, dude. You just fucking go like this. Yeah, I feel like it would be terrible and slow. Oh, you're right. I guess you're right. So smart.

And her prime are 96-year-old queens. Oh, 96-year-old queens. Like, all you would need is a track baton. Yeah. Anything. Hand. Yeah. 96-year-old queens. All you would need is a track baton. Anything at all. Hand. Yeah.

She'd take your shoe off and just throw it, and they all go down like bowling pins. What pain could she give you? Like, if you fell asleep in the middle of fighting. None. None. Maybe lay on you and crush you if there's enough of them. I was going to think. I guess that question could be reframed as,

how many old people could you beat? All of them. Needlessly. Would you rather try to, like, ward off, like, 10,000, like, mice How many old people could you beat? All of them. Needlessly. Would you rather try to ward off 10,000 mice or several hundred queens that were really pissed off? Queens for the fun. They're angry though. They're crawling all over you. If they're crawling and biting.

I don't think they could do any damage. You'd be like Steven Seagal. What if they're like crawling and biting I like Clem here I don't think they could do any damage you feel like the straw you'd be like Steven Seagal in his what if they gave her Acrylic and she was coming at you fresh out of the beauty. So yeah, what what if they give like an Alex? That's the only chance They couldn't bite hard enough no they couldn't do anything with their limbs Couldn't kill a rat you don't think that she could kill one mouse? I mean, if there was just her It's too fast

Hell no This is going to be open casket, right? At some point? I was going to say Do you think they take all the crowns and jewelry off her Before they put her under? Is she lying in state? I don't know how it works.

I'm sure that she'll lie in state. It would roll zero gravity casket. You're just floating up and up at the altar. Oh, like the cup? Like the cup? Oh, yeah, they need to put her in that. That would be cool. Yeah.

Damn. Cedric Diggory's body. Wow. God damn. Much luck. Walter Goggins. Like Walter Goggins' body? Is he past? No. Who is Walter Goggins. Like Walter Goggins' body? Is he past?

No. No. Who is Walter Goggins? Walton Goggins. Don't come to me. It should be Walter. Yeah. I don't acknowledge that name.

He's the vice principal. Whoa. He's a good actor. He's very good. Great actor. He was a transgender in Sons of Anarchy. Was he? Yeah. Never seen the show. I was a transgender in Sons of Anarchy. Was he? Yeah.

Never seen the show. I don't know why. Okay, who is she? I know, hot. She looks like a celebrity woman. Yep. Cheryl Hines. Is that her name?

Oh, the woman from Entourage. The Countess. She was like the manager. Luanne. I know who you're talking about, Cage. She's like real New York-y. Maybe. I'm getting a little Julia Fox there, a little bit.

Yeah, a little bit. The smokey guy. Caitlyn Jenner. I think a lot of women have that face. Do you think the Countess is sad? Oh, yeah. I mean, the Countess. Luann.

Luann de la Seps. Has she said anything? I don't know. She probably should. Let's see. I hope so. How do you get invited to that funeral? That's a good question. I think you just have to RSVP. They're definitely going to wagon her around town for a while. Oh, this will be a while.

This will be a drawn out process. We're going to be burying her forever. Who's their prime minister? He just started two days ago She Oh sorry that was my misogyny showing How did she get a job? What's her name like?

Liz Liz Truss Yeah Liz Truss She just started two days ago Trust me daddy Boom Dead

That's hilarious. In a respectful way. Yeah. I wonder if my wife knows. Oh, yeah. The party president. Oh, yeah. She keeps on showing her titties.

Yeah, she was awesome. Who? Was she the bare knuckle fighter? There's a finisher. Denmark? The Scandinavian prime minister that she just unapologetically partied. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Parties real hard. Oh, I saw theapologetically parties. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Parties real hard. Oh, I saw the bare knuckle thing. Yeah. Those things keep screaming out of there. Bare knuckle? No, I don't like that. Bare knuckle fighter that wouldn't want to fight, then got up on the cage and took her top off.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Brandi Chastain. She chastained. Just a shocking amount of titties, too. More nipples, though. Oh, how many? Four? Oh. Brandi Chastain. She chastained. That's a shocking amount of titties, too. More nipples, though. Oh, how many? Four? Oh.

Brandi Chastain didn't short nipples. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. Not that day, but she has done it. At some point. True. Haven't we all?

Oh, point me. Damn. Another dadaday. Who has your titty painting, Kate? The guy, Cliff. He's always tweeting. He's coming in to pick it up, I think, right? Oh, no, no, no.

I think he is. Oh, I think he is. He's coming in Monday to pick it up. He's been here several times. He's coming in. Well, he's going to check it for authenticity first. Okay. He has to not frame it because he said he's just going to lick it. Yeah.

Okay. He got his coins. Like the walls in the Wonka factory. That's fine. Kate titties taste. Kate titties. Kate titties taste like Kate titties. These Kate titties taste like cigarettes. Palm all that.

Yeah. Okay. Got anything else? Good day today. Thursday already. I want to make sure we have before two hours to piss people off. Football tonight. Football tonight.

Who's playing? I should know. Rams and Bills. I do have a good, I get auras about, I don't follow the numbers like Jay does, but I do feel.

No, no, no, no. He doesn't follow it. I do feel the Bills have a vibe, like a thing. Yeah. They always do. Yeah.

I have an aura. There's like a je ne sais quoi. So you have the Bills winning the Super Bowl. Pretty much. That's way better than Steven's data. He's going off Kate's aura. He did his whole presentation.

I want to tailgate there so bad. So much fun. Yeah, I want to go up there. So much fun. I want to try to go. It seems like a super Northern Eagles kind of vibe. Yes. Kind of similar people.

Yes. They're a lot more friendly. Yeah. And you get to see Yvonne Weck, too. Yvonne Weck. And everyone's just wearing sweatpants. It more friendly. Yeah. And you get the beef on weck too. Beef on weck. And everyone's just like wearing sweatpants. It's fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'd like to do that. Everyone's got a limp. It's crazy. Love that. Took a shot out of a bowling ball there. I want a beef on weck.

Beef on wecks are so good. I think the Rams team total today? Mmm. 24 and a half or something like that. Let's go, bro. Let's go slow.

I got Alan Robinson TD. First score? No, just at any time. Ooh. I like it, boys. Cooper Cupp first touchdown at like 525. That's his last name. Yes, Garonic.

Yeah, I got him. All right, football's back. Odds crashed. Who's here tomorrow? You're out, Brandon. I'm out. You're out, Roan. I gotta move.

I'm out. I gotta move, Brandon. I'm here. I're out, Roan? I gotta move, Brandon. I'll be here. I'll be here. Let's do it, alright? See everyone tomorrow. I'll be clinging on. Psycho. It's the act. Get your straws. Yeah, style. It takes for a while.

It's the act. It's the act. It's the act. Yeah, it's time to talk. Shop and do. Yankees love. It's the act. It's the act.