The Yak - The Alt-Central Political Party May Save America | The Yak 4-25-22

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Alt-Central is the futureYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak

Hey Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Happy, uh-oh. Can you hear me? Happy birthday. Yo. Happy birthday to Rome. Chill the fuck out, bro.

Is birthday present just doing the act with me? Stop making me feel so good. No other way I'd rather have it, honestly. My best buddy. Happy birthday, buddy. Thank you, brother. I appreciate it. Is it awesome or is it just another fucking another fucking day?

Just another day. Dude, actually way more sad. My birthday was April 13th. Two weeks ago. I wasn't here. Y'all didn't do a goddamn thing for it. So I and I envy that. I was going to try to fly this one under the radar.

Big Cat have never. I think he probably likes the group this morning. Instagram story. Otherwise, he would have never fucking known. Fuck. I feel like this fuck. Instagram story. Otherwise, he would have never fucking known. Oh, fuck FM. What's this, fuck FM coming back? You're going to have a fuck FM birthday special? We did do something for your birthday.

We had you call in. Oh, yeah, we did have you call in. Oh, you didn't compliment me. You didn't do it on the phone. We all complimented you. We all went around. Give us a little Steve Clip. NFL draft week.

Holy fuck. With who? Steve Clit. NFL draft week. Holy fuck. With who? Steve Clit. With Steve Clit, yeah, yeah. You got to let him know who the fuck you are, bro. All right, so Big Cat will be in shortly. He's finishing up an interview. He said he'd be three to five minutes late, so he'll be in very quickly.

And here comes Sass right here. Sass doesn't have an excuse. Look at his arms looking all weird. They look long. No, his arms looking all weird. They look long. No, his arms look too long for a shirt. Look how good he could grow a mullet. Do you notice his hair's coming in? His mullet would be incredible.

He could also. His sideburns are coming in in, like, a very straight way. Okay. Sideburns look Jewish. The rest of your hair looks Asian. Asian, huh? Yeah, I mean, I got to cut it. Were you nodding yes, Stephen?

This looks like a low-achieving white. I'm right about this, Stephen. Am I right about this? It's a low-achieving white. Yeah, it's the Asian guy that gets his hair cut every six weeks. It should be every four. He's in that stage right now. Well, it's because all my hair is growing out evenly.

Is it? It looks fine. Because I shaved it. It's all growing the same length. Get another haircut. Steven, what's the status of your haircut? I just got one. It looks pretty good.

It's a little long on top, though. What are you trying to say? That he looks like Bert and Ernie? Because I'm not saying that. That's not what I was saying at all. It seems like that's what you're trying to say. He looks like Bert. I forget which one. The tall one's what you're trying to say. He looks like... I like my hair at this time. I forget which one.

The tall one's Bert. He looks like Bert. You like... I like Bert. Asian Bert. Yeah, I think that's pretty fair. Or just Bert. Those are some of my favorite shoes.

They were in Jordan 3s. I like them. Very nice. Yeah. No, got them. Throwing around compliments, Sass. You know when I got them? For my birthday.

Yes. For yourself? Which we did something for. I acknowledged. It's Rob's birthday. Free to myself. It is. You weren't supposed to say anything, bro.

Well, I did. We were saving that for son of a boy dad, bro. That was awesome. Fun. Did you dominate? Yeah, it was awesome. I did get a text saying that Sass crushed. It actually might have been from Sass, though.

I think you actually said that. Or like you told Owen and then Owen told me. Like, yeah, I'm hearing Sass crushed. No, I didn't. Whatever reason. He did start it. Whether Owen told you or somebody else. Like, yeah, I'm hearing sass crushed. No, I didn't. Whatever reason. He did start it. Whether Owen told you or somebody else. Yeah, like where else could it have come from?

Because my boy Mike said you sucked. No, that's not true. He didn't say it. How many comedy sets did you do? Like one every day or what? I did seven. Wow. Did you double up some nights?

Every night. Except for one because. Right, you couldn't have. That wouldn't need to be an even number. No, I think one night I did three. Or no, so wait a minute. So yeah, that's not doubling up. So it was nine.

Tripling up. Nine. You did nine. Holy fuck. Dude, so he went to Austin. He didn't have any fucking tacos or good food. He didn't even see any comedy, and he didn't go to any cool bars. Any barbecue at least?

No. He didn't have any good bars. Any barbecue at least? No. He didn't have any good food. What's the problem? He wasted his time. It was a long, it was a lot of like long nights. Didn't really do much during the day. Did you play video games in your hotel room or something? No, I just laid in my bed.

Masturbating. Just laying in a hotel bed for like a full day. Not a bad, not a bad time. Well, it was like I wouldn't get home until really late, and then I would sleep in, and then I would go back out to do more shows. You feel your penis and balls against the fucking bed sheets, shit like that, like you just strip fully naked or whatever. One of those 45-minute hotel shits. Yeah, he definitely jerked off a lot. Jerked off like 45 times.

Yeah, that's definitely what you were doing the entire time. Pretty much. I was watching a lot of workaholics. Did you tip the cleaning lady? No, but I cleaned up my room really well before I left. How well? Really well. I don't believe you for a second.

Did you make your bed? No. Did you at least take all the sheets off and put them in a nice ball? So you didn't really... I cleaned up all the trash and shit, though. Did you stack your stiff-ass towels? Just like fucking boards in a nice ball. So you didn't really... I cleaned up all the trash and shit, though. Did you stack your stiff-ass towels? Just like fucking boards in a karate class?

Five stiff-ass towels fucking right on top of one another? No. I mean, well, then where were you coming? Where were you coming from? Everywhere.

Bullshit. Walls. Bullshit. You guys come to the hotel towels? That's what you wipe off with after you don't come in the towels why where are you coming in steven where are you coming it's definitely about to be the wildest answer like the soap dispensers or like the shower cap it's like regular nothing different the sink no no no no i did not say that no standard toilet paper he runs over to the sink and busts in there yeah but it's like

slotted so it's just wait wait wait he said you clean up with it so you're busting on yourself and then you're cleaning up oh yeah that's what you're saying yeah yeah i'm not not directly in the towel that's what i do you're not directly in the towel yeah he's nutting on himself you're nutting brandon you're nutting on yourself of course i am okay you're such the odd man out here what where are you nothing i would say you guys all nutting yourselves i would say most people do that jesus how does it work for you you just have the tissue toilet you hold it in the appropriate spot and then it's easy you're're aiming, you're come. Damn, what are you talking about? Everything goes in one direction.

All right. Sounds like you're aiming. So are you sitting up? Sounds like you're sitting up. No, laying down. Laying down and what do you just put a... Are you guys sitting up? A landing spot?

You just cover yourself like it's a public toilet? Covering myself? No. We're like little boys right now. You're like, is that how you do it? One of us is doing it wrong. I feel like I'm doing it right. I don't know how we got off on this.

Steven, could you maybe come in and pantomime what you do? Because I'm having trouble visualizing it. Do you have the towel over the tip of your dick? I don't have a towel, no. I mean the paper towels. The toilet paper. No, I mean there's a lot. Of what?

It's a sizable, it's not like one tissue. So you coat your body with toilet paper. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, you have a ball of it, and then you just kind of. So like simultaneously, like you're. Occasionally there's some overflow, but I mean. Do you catch it on the way up or the way down? It's a gold 10 on the way down.

Like you're playing jacks? Yeah. Are you trying to catch a bunch? Yeah, it's definitely on the way down. It's two points. How are you doing with the story? Fair catches is nut. That's crazy.

We need a survey of that. I feel like you guys are in the minority on this one. There's literally 75% of this room. Small sample size, not statistically significant. Che, like most conversations we have, you're the one that's in the minority.

Was that a joke? Jesus, dude. No, it wasn't. No. He just means that you're an outlier, like Malcolm Gladwell. This is surprising.

I would like to see how you do it because it seems like you have to like fucking like real quick like you're fucking like in the Temple of Doom like switching the fucking the weight of the of the like thing that he's like karate kid when he had to take the chopsticks and catch the flies no i mean

okay so rudy gobert right super tall super long what do you mean are you following so far right no big big guy. Yes. So theoretically, if he could, he could just stand there under the hoop with his hand up and the ball won't go in, right? Similar philosophy. Of what? You just put it in the same place and that's where it's going to go. What? Do you have monster range? I mean, it's... What do do you mean so you're just blocking

metaphor i don't understand how this is you're saying imagine him just goaltending your cum you goaltend your nut you just like keep the nut you just let it hit you in the chest it's not like battery acid like it's not gonna burn you And it's not gay. I don't know. I mean, I'm not the one getting cum done. Yeah, exactly. You gotta try it. It's nice. This is crazy. Jay thinks it's going to hit him and just seep straight through his skin.

Yeah, it just sizzles as it hits him like fajitas on the grill. It's just like a fucking shooting up. I guess that's what STDs are. When you say you get burned, like it's just a fucking some hot ass, just piping hot cum. Lava cum. Just fucking searing yourself.

I've never heard anyone do it your way, but I've also never talked about this before. So it's like a wiping your ass type of conversation where it's like you kind of have to be brave about it. Che was the one man out of that too. Every time we do dive into these conversations, Che is the guy that's on his own. He does it funny. I did do the – so I started – or I have been for 36-ish years being a stand-up wiper, and now I'm a combo.

So half down, half up. Dude, you'll progress to being a uh a full a full sitter a sitter shitter there's like yeah but at the end like you kind of want to make sure everything's didn't you all say that you wipe back to front brown balls no it's mainly it's mainly uh you have to pull up your sack i don't want to go from come to to shit talk oh you got to talk about the what's it called? The Alaskan Pipeline? Turn into the son of a boy, dad.

Yeah. Talking pipelines. My asshole's clean, I'll tell you that much. I don't know about that. If you're standing up, you're literally closing your cheeks. But I digress. I don't think anyone's asshole is clean. Yeah, it's literally impossible.

No one. The NFL Draft Show is back this week. Thursday. That shit's going to be fun as fuck. That shit's going to be absolutely classic sass. Who do you have the Pats taking first round? Brady. All right.

Brady's coming back to England. We've done the first two years of this particular iteration of the draft show by Zoom. Right. Me, you, and Steve, and Shay will be in studio. I know. Why did you guys do it Zoom last year? COVID, dude. It felt right. And COVID. It did you guys do it Zoom last year? COVID, dude. It felt right.

And COVID. It's also a guest heavy show. Yeah. So it's pretty easy. It doesn't really matter per se where we are. Although we got our blazers this morning.

I didn't see it yet. What color? I can't give that away. Come on. Yeah, that's our calling card. That's what people are going to tune in for. What color blazers

are they wearing? There's props on it. If you think that that's going to be the background, kind of the studio, that motif, what do you think, what color blazer would go with that, do you think? Actually, now that I'm seeing it, the blazer we have doesn't go with it at all.

Not even a little bit. What, did you guys get yellow? Well, we had gold last year. We already had yellow. Yellow? We already tried yellow. I don't know. By the way, our jackets from last year look totally like NFL Hall of Fame jackets.

Yeah. I like that about it. I do just want to wear it out one time. And steal valor. Yeah, of course. I know. Why is yours there, and why is it in plastic? Don't worry about it.

No one saw it. We didn't even get to see it. You just had it. Was that from last year, or is that from in plastic? Don't worry about it. No one saw it. We didn't even get to see it. He just had it. Was that from last year or is that from this year? That's from last year. That's the antique. It's not the new hotness. There he is.

Still can't see it. Oh, there it is. There's the gold from last year. Big cat. What's up, brother? I'm sorry. Don't apologize at all. But you did miss Stephen K.

Che saying that he catches his cum out of his dick when he when he nuts like a flower with toilet paper fuck like one of those pitching machines that just like throws the ball up and he just fucking swats it out of the air Stephen J like I'm just looking at him right now this first time

I've seen him today he's wearing his Super Bowl thing it's draft week it's smug. He definitely had that, like, he probably took that sweatshirt to the dry cleaners. I don't go to the dry cleaners. I need this Monday. Draft week. Yeah.

He dropped it off last year at draft week. Had this ready. Wow. Wow. Thank you. A lot of deniers. Let's go. Where are you nutting

You guys know we can't see the results right On yourself Yeah right Wait are you saying that grossly Why would you nut on yourself Thank you These weirdos are fucking coming all over their bellies You guys nut on yourself

If you're laying there I'm shocked. You wipe yourself off after. What? Yes. You're just giving yourself a pearl necklace? Ew, gross. That is so disgusting.

Don't bother me. I will throw down a towel. My problem is... I'll put it on myself. I'll nut on the towel. No, you don't. Now Roan's backpedaling. Hold on, hold on.

I need to clarify something real quick because I'm in a specific case here. My belly button's so deep that if I nut it on myself, they would be coming there forever. You'd probably have a baby. You'd be a cave diver. So I can't risk that. Like 127 hours. There's a big fucking cliff that it falls off of.

And if I put anything in there, it may never come out. A little soup bowl. Yeah, so I'm not risking that. I'm being serious. He's being serious. I'm being serious. I believe you. Dude, I didn't even realize that we just found the two tribes of human beings.

There's two types of people in this world that is fucking okay we found it uh ron happy birthday thank you brother appreciate these these motherfuckers didn't say a word about it thank you i said happy birthday like seven times what um what'd you get for your birthday uh i got a steak last night you got no presents uh my grandmother wrote me uh a. Oh, that's beautiful. I have a present for him. You got no presents, though? I'm sure I'll get some.

My parents got me a DVD trilogy of The Godfather. How the fuck it works? Do you have a DVD player? I could throw it on the Xbox or the PlayStation or whatever. Okay. You got both. I have a PlayStation. Why don't we ever play together? We had an Xbox last time I was there, didn. You got both. I have a PlayStation. Why don't we ever play together?

We got an Xbox last time I was there. Didn't you? No, I had a PlayStation. Do you have another birthday dinner tonight? What if he didn't get you anything? I'm going to, I think I'm going to go down to the Sixers tonight. Fuck yes. You know what I mean? That's sick.

Have a nice little time. And beats hurt, dude. Shut up, dude. It's my fucking birthday. I don't know why you'd fucking do some shit like that on my birthday. You got some set of balls. When that initial report came out and all the Sexy Friends were like, he hit a game winner with a hurt thumb.

I watched that game Saturday. He can't high five. It's bad. Kyle Lowry is going to attack him. It's really bad. Jimmy Butler is going to be punching him in the hand. Dude, he like. Heat are bad people.

DJ Tucker, you know that he's going to try and just rip his thumb out. Oh, yeah. Aslam's going to come off the bench and just. He's going to smack. Five the shit out of him. Yeah, but it's better than having Ben Simmons, honestly. But it's fucked. But I do think that having him out there presence wise, like defensively, still very impactful

of the game. Yeah. Sad to see. This is bad what you're doing right now. What choice do I have? His prop is 43.5 over.3 bounce assist.

I feel like an absolute dummy for taking the under. No, I feel like smart. Yeah, that's not dumb. Why are you doing this, Steven? Why are you betting against my guy on my birthday? I feel like I would never bet against the Bucs on your birthday. I'm not making my favorite pick. I would never bet against the Bucs on your birthday. I'm not making my favorite pick. I would never bet against the Bucs on your birthday.

I'm making Tyron Maxey over points my favorite pick. There you go. That's very good. I think the 1776 tonight is going to be Harden to get a triple-double. That almost hit the other day, right? If Embiid scored the first basket, I think that was a winner. Yeah, everything else hit. So if Harden hits a triple-double and B's over

20, Maxie's over 20, and the Sixers cover three and a half, I think the 1776 hits, which feels... That's not a crazy 1776. That feels approachable. That feels for a plus 1776. Are we getting close to 80,000 for Frank? I actually might not be here on Thursday now, which sucks.

What are you doing? I'll be here for the draft show. I have to go home to take care of my children. Good for you. What are we at, TJ? 72.2. Oh, come on, people. Wait, so if you...

I think it's whenever we get 80,000 we will do it. And if we don't get it by this Thursday then we'll do it on any day of the week that he gets it. So it behooves you to get it by this Thursday. Otherwise, you're getting double-dose with Frank. Good point. We also might have a Jorts sponsorship.

I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about that. What? What? I am. Yeah. What am I not? Nothing's been finalized. Yeah, I know, but we might.

I said we might. Yeah, which would be sick. Jorts? A jorts wheel. That would be awesome. Oh, fuck. That would be so sick. Basically, my idea was that if you hit it, if someone hits it, they have to wear jorts

for the rest of the week. But it could be like if you hit it on Friday, you just have to wear it Friday. What if you want to wear them? Then you want to win the wheel. Every wheel's not bad. You have a misconception of the wheel that it's got to be something bad. You just get to wear George's. Dude, I was also thinking it's high time for us to play

basketball again, and I think that we should figure out something where if we're all playing full court one-on-one. At first I was like, Brandon should have to score 21 points. We should all have to score 5, because he's proven himself this past week to be an athlete. But I do think that there's something but that it could that could get boring and unfair after a while if we all have to score different amounts and we do some kind of

wheel or game where it's like you're done after nine points you're done after two points what if what if it was what if we played full court one-on-one but like so we had tj or steven or steven's playing tj or za keep track so it's like if i score on you i'm now up two nothing on you yeah you have to beat everybody you have to beat everyone you can't end until you beat everyone's battle basketball you scored on everyone you have to score 11 points on everyone oh Oh, my God. That's basically full court king of the court. Yeah? I don't know. This would take, like, hours.

Yeah, 11. You could just not try on. Yeah, you could just walk away. Yeah. And be like, I guess it's the closest. We'll do it like, you know, when there's an own goal, it's the closest guy or something. I don't know if that's even a rule. But, like, closest defender.

Or, like, lacrosse. I'm, like, out of bounds in lacrosse from like out of bounds. Whoever's like closest to the basket. Yeah, closest defender to you is who you see. People will be like running away from you. Jack up like crazy shots. And to make the game, to make it so you just don't play forever, every

20 minutes of the game you should have to smoke a cigarette. People should just have to huff cigarettes. When are we doing the basketball? When everyone comes back. They're here and they're gone for two weeks and then they're back. That's so long. When are we doing the basketball? When everyone comes back. They're here. They're gone for two weeks. Then they're back. That's so long.

We catch them on the road. Yeah. Run up on them in one of their sweet-ass cities, wherever the fuck they are. How was Austin? It was fun. Was it residency? How long were you there for?

I was only there since I was there for Wednesday. Like the Blue Man Group in Vegas. Yeah. There's just someone else beating his ass down there. You're like, you were on your fucking Celine Man Group in Vegas. Yeah. There's just someone else beating his ass down there. You're like, you were on your fucking Celine Dion shit in Vegas. Yeah, exactly.

It was a good time. It was very fun. How long is your set now? The shows out there are very short sets because the lineups are pretty long. So it's like seven or eight minutes. And do you do the same jokes every night?

For the most part. Do we hear some? No. Imagine if you could just do the same podcast over and over again and just run it back for a different audience. Well, yeah, but like sometimes stuff doesn't play and then you gotta like rethink and do something else.

Come on, let's hear a little. No. Give us one joke. Give us a joke. One joke. The premise of one joke. Who's your opener? No, I don't want to give away my-

You give us the premise, we'll finish it. You can come see me live and then you can see it. Give us the premise. I think that was the premise. December 6th. Yeah. No, January 6th. No December 6th jokes.

Give us the premise. Same for Pearl Harbor? That was hilarious. Give us the premise. Homeless people. No, right before Pearl Harbor. Did you take that one out? Yeah.

Did I do one? Oh, yeah, yeah, I did. I took that out. He said, fuck homeless people. I don't do any of the jokes from that. Which race do you joke about the most? Yeah. White people.

Damn it. Self-loathing he makes philadelphia jokes he just he makes jokes about the the two cities that he's been to oh yeah i have a joke have you guys ever been to denver oh you have a joke about philadelphia all right there's a premise yeah philadelphia brotherly love scrabble scrapplerapple. Scrapple. You guys seen this guy Shane Gillis? Yeah. Just reference another comedian. There's the joke and everyone laughs. Think of him.

He's like Philadelphia. Give it up for Shane Gillis. He is funny though. He's really funny. He is very funny. Really funny a city right now. Philly's doing well. Did you feel like a real comedian?

Like, did you feel... Yeah, by the end, I felt very comfortable. Were you, like, hanging out with other comedians? Yeah. Were you ever the funniest in that group? Probably not, no. Yeah. That's good, though. Any room that...

There's a lot of, like, pretty well-known comedians. Like who? I mean, New York, it was, like, Dan Soder, Big Jay, Oakerson, Mark Norman. Love those guys. Damn. Yeah. Do you fit in with them? No.

Okay. No, I'm just curious. I talk to Dan Soder the most, and I talk to Mark Norman a little bit. I didn't really talk to Big Jay a lot because I was running to another show. He's probably like, you're a pussy. No, he's actually like the nicest guy ever. Really? Yeah. Do you want to be the funniest comedian

in a group of comedians? Because I feel like when comedians get famous, they always talk about a comedian who didn't make it who was funnier than them. You don't want to be the guy who's funnier than the guys who got famous. I see what you're saying, but I think that as long as you're not trying

to be the funniest in a group of comedians, if you are the funniest, like... A lot of those people are, like, always on. Right. They're constantly joking around. Then people are always like, Dave Attell was the fun... Right.

Or, like, Colin Quinn was the funniest fucker of all time. Yeah. And they go home and cry. Yeah, probably. Oh, they're sad as fuck. There's a little sad clown to them. What? You know, like they're entertaining everyone.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They go home and like no one's entertaining me. It was a really fun time. Great. It was entertaining you. Was that your first time in Austin? It was. How was the activation for Barstool?

What do you mean? Activation. We activated the brand. Did we not activate anything? No, I did. I wore my Big Cat merch on stage. Okay, so we activated some things. Good.

My boy dad shirt. You probably have a list of activations that you can put in. I know. You used to activate brands like crazy. Dude, we used to go places and just activate. Yeah, who's going to activate the brand out there? That was office manager Brett's main linchpin. He would be like, okay, we're going to go activate the brand.

Dude, you have to activate sometimes. You've got to activate. You've got to get there and activate. Otherwise, people won't know. It's got to be activated. The brand will just be floating out there willy-nilly. I got a Viva when I was up on stage at one point. What was it like?

Was Stooley there? That would have been hilarious if it? No. That would have been hilarious if it was him. That would have been awesome. Stooley's pissed off at me for saying that he started that chant.

But then he's like, I told someone to start the chant. I was like, well, that's still starting the chant. Dude, if you tell the DJ to start the chant,

like, that's... I thought it was like a well-known thing that he did. That's like the Mincy chant at Walk-Ons. That's the only time...

Yeah. You guys hear about that? No. No, what was it? Mincy was at Walk-Ons? That's the only time? Yeah. You guys hear about that? No. No, what was it? Mincy was at Walk-Ons. We had him come up, but it was because there was a chant, and there's word on the street that he might have started the chant. Really?

That's awesome. Which I respect the fuck out of him. That's a badass move. Yeah, any means possible. Start your own chant. Any means necessary. Penn State's old quarterback, Anthony Morelli, he jumped on a table at Penn State his senior year and started own chant. Any means necessary. Penn State's old quarterback, Anthony Morelli, he jumped on a table at Penn State his senior year

and started a chant, Anthony Morelli Heisman Trophy. And just made everybody do it. That's hilarious. That's great. He was so far from winning the Heisman. He was so on average. Not in that moment. In that moment.

It was after week one they like Akron Or something like that And he was trying to Whoop it up He was trying to foment Yeah Yeah that was That was the chant Shout out WalkOn

Shout out hashtag NOLA You gotta think people are Clicking on the NOLA hashtag And just Can we click on it And see what we got I think it's gotta be all Mincy Dude that

Well The blender last night Was fucking rocking The what Smoothie King Arena Called the blender Which is so awesome Give that shit to the blender last night was fucking rocking. The what? Smoothie King Arena. Called the blender, which is so awesome. Bring that shit to the blender. See what happens.

Come in the blender, you're not coming out alive. Fuck yeah. Oh, wait. What was the other thing I had about Mincy? Fuck. Forget it. Are people going to the Nets game tonight, too? I am, yeah.

You are? Yeah. Are you bringing a bunch of people? I don't want to, no. Aren't you bringing like Frank or like Frank and Spider maybe? Spider's in Toronto with Dave. The idea

was Hank was like, hey, I'm going to go to the Nets Celtics games in Brooklyn. Do you guys want to come? And I was like, we were like, yeah, let's go to a Monday night game. We'll make a video, whatever. Now the series sucks. Yeah. No. I mean, they're going to 3-0.

Yeah, it does suck. And Simmons isn't playing, and Kyrie's so dejected. Can you dress Frank like Simmons dressed on the bench? Oh, that'd be great. Goofy-ass clothes. I don't know if we can find a 6XL. That'd be sick. Is he still a 6X?

Might not be. I just remember the 2-0. When he drafted 2-0 and he was so pumped, and he was like, give me a 2 he still a 6X? He might not be. I just remember the two of them. When they drafted two and he was so pumped. And he was like, give me a two of 6X. Unit sizes. But yeah, we're going to the game. It's a 7 o'clock tip though. So I'm going to be a real Brooklyn Nets fan and show up at halftime.

Show up late. Yeah. It's like all you need to do. Yeah. I don't really need to be there for the full game. It was a great, in theory, it was like, ooh, It's like all you need to do. Yeah. I don't I don't really need to be there for the full game. It was a great in theory. It was like oh let's go to a

playoff game and I actually enjoyed going to playoff games last year but now it's like I don't really want to go to this game. Yeah. Maybe if Ben Simmons gets in and no he said he's not.

Maybe. That would be awesome if he did. Yeah. But you just like Uber with them from your apartment. I'm just going to walk. Aren't they.

They all practice they practice there. Oh yeah yeah i saw ben simmons duncan the other yeah he was just how's he looking old gave you a camera and said here watch this yeah he's like he's just sad no i think he's just um scared stupid i think he feels the end of the grift coming like he's gonna have to play eventually yeah i think he's i think he feels the end of the grift coming. He's going to have to play eventually. Yeah. I think he's depressed. You think so? It was funny that there was that time where people had to do the mental health thing online, like, hey, respect Ben Simmons. Yeah, when he was on the Sixers.

Yeah, it feels like now it's been thrown out. It's like, no, this guy's just fucking stealing money. Yeah. Well, he didn't get paid by the Sixers. He's suing them for $20 million, so it's not even like he's just fucking stealing money yeah but uh well he didn't get paid by the sixers he's suing them yeah that's right million so it's not even like he's stealing money you're right everybody was very protective of ben simmons right health ever and then all of a sudden like saturday he dressed like a clown and then he woke up on sunday with back pain everyone's like fuck this motherfucker he's he's a fraud stephen a smith went in on him. I mean in hard. He said he was like the

can we play that clip TJ? Off my Twitter? I was watching. There's very few times where I'm like actively like oh I'm going to watch first take but like off of a There are times where it is worth it. Ben Simmons Kyrie double

like that's when Stephen A. Smith is just painting. Yeah, let him put up fucking 40 and 10 and 10. There it is. I say Kyrie Irving is one of the most selfish superstars we've ever seen and obviously one of the most selfish athletes we've ever seen. I didn't say the word the as a number one because obviously he ain't got nothing on Ben Simmons.

Nobody is worse than Ben Simmons. Ben Simmons might also be the weakest, most pathetic, most beautiful professional athlete we have ever seen. Notice I say Kyrie. That's off the heels of like, what, two months ago being like, hey, we got to respect Ben Simmons' mental health. And Stephen A is just like, he's the weakest, most pathetic person I've ever seen. I love Stephen A's calm voice. His cadence. Yeah, his cadence is incredible.

Slow, fast, loud. Yeah, he uses speed of talking. He knows how to fucking hold you in the palm of his hand. It's incredible. This one, too. Hold on. I got to text you this one, TJ. The Russia-Ukraine one?

Yeah, it was all time. He's just in the zone right now. He's in the NBA playoffs. I mean, he's feeling himself right now. Yeah, it's beautiful to watch. What'd you say? Who is Bertram Cates? Huh?

It's Bertram Cates. Was he in the To Kill a Mockingbird? He was a great fucking fictional character oh Inherit the Wind and he could fucking speak well or some shit I don't know dude but this guy can speak well I digress you gotta let me digress

I thought Kyrie Irving wasn't gonna show up to work I literally sat there I'm like he's incredible I thought Kyrie Irving wasn't gonna show up to work He's incredible. That's hilarious. Kyrie Irving wasn't going to show up to work. He's so fucking funny. Is he a take merchant or is he above that?

He's the number one take guy in the world. The beauty of what Stephen A. Smith does, and Skip obviously is master as well, everything they say has a kernel of truth in it so you you watch it and you're like that's crazy but they're like but kind of wait would it have been crazy if kairi had sat out when russia bombed ukraine and been like i'm standing with the people ukraine no yeah i wouldn't have been that crazy yeah but who do you think like he would actually do that or he's not that kairi irving had Irving had done that. I wouldn't have been like, oh, my God. Kyrie Irving, after game three, was like,

we just haven't had enough time to gel. The Celtics have been gelling since October. It was quite literally the Tim Robinson hot dog suit. We're trying to find the guy who did that. He is the reason why they didn't gel. He is the reason. Who do't gel. He is the reason. Yeah. Who do you think that Stephen A. Smith sharpens his takes off of?

Do you think he's, like, kicking it back and forth? Or do you think he just, like, is in his head, like, put in a take, and then is like, how can I top this take? Or, like, what can I lean up against this take? Do you think it's, like, Little Penny? I think he's just a finely honed machine. Yeah. I don't think he has to work on anything.

I think it's just – he's like Satchel Paige when he would come in the game say don't you want to warm up and he's like i never cooled off yeah steven a smith is just ready do you think it's like uh whose line is anyway that you just give him a prompt yeah like tom brady tom brady four interceptions and he just goes probably i don't need any more I need an athlete and a stat line. He could have recorded this months ago. Just give me an athlete, a stat line, and maybe just a tip on their body language. A little story.

Yeah. Two lines, and he's ready to fucking go with a take. He's the master. He's incredible. What is this? We're talking sports on this show. I know, because Nick and KV are in the game. We don't get that look.

And Sass is low-key a fucking sports guy. Yeah, he's a sports head. Rowan, ever since you said you were feeling dry, I'm like, every part of my body feels like sandpaper. Your face was going through some motions in just a second. My eyes are so itchy all of a sudden. Really? Rowan gave me pink eye.

Some kind of dryness, like in All of dust came through the office And fucking washed over us simultaneously I do put on the AC every morning To like 62 Thank you for doing that by the way Yes I hate that My desk is directly under the vent

It's scorching hot if he doesn't do that Dude I come in here every morning It is so hot in here Dude it'll be so cold in the office sometimes That when I'm like trying I can't even like type Because my fingers are like freezing Is that why you haven't been blogging? Should I tell everyone? Yeah The office is too cold Dude, it'll be so cold in the office sometimes that when I'm like trying, I can't even like type because my fingers are like freezing.

Is that why you haven't been blogging? Should I tell everyone? The office is too cold. We need to move to a warmer. Our dog, she retweeted me this morning and then I deleted my tweet. Not because of that, just because I realized I didn't give a fuck. What was your tweet? Something about like the Elon Twitter thing.

What was it? Elon Trump? I got political. Yeah? What did you say? I just said the same people who are saying they're gonna delete Twitter because Elon Musk

owns it are the same people who say they're gonna delete Spotify because of Joe Rogan. Yeah. And then they forget about it a day later. And she retweeted it and then you're like,

oh, this went mainstream. Well, then people were like, you're copying people saying that people, like, Trump moving... People moving to Canada because of Trump. And I was like, dude, I don't like think about things that deeply.

I just tweet them. In reality, the people who say they're going to delete Twitter because of Elon Musk, they're actually going to be saved by Elon Musk because, you know, they can't actually quit Twitter. So they'll come back as a burner. Oh, 100 percent. There'll be more burners allowed under Elon Musk's Twitter. Yeah. Yeah.

It is a backdoor. He's opening the backdoor for them. Yeah. He said no one's going to get banned. What? He said no. Well, I'm assuming like... That seems...

He said that like people, even people who shit on him aren't going to be banned because that's real free speech. Yeah, I mean, I guess so. He just tweeted that. Oh. Damn. Damn. What about terrorists?

They're allowed. Yeah? Yeah. What about alt-right and alt-left? Of course. We're all equal. What about the alt-central? We should start an alt-central.

Yeah. That would be awesome. Alt-central? Yeah, we're just like, we're really, really passionate about not having an opinion on this. We can't be further in the middle. Yeah. Alt-centralist. Yeah, give us a topic, and we'll just passionately argue for nothing to change.

For both sides. I don't care. The fence is only like an inch wide, but we're standing right on top of it. Yeah, we're dancing on the fence. We're doing cartwheels on the fence. Abortion. Have them. Or don't. Or don't.

Yeah. And I'll respect the right for both of those things yeah happen simultaneously yeah anybody's argument whatever the last argument i heard is the one that i'm gonna go with just all alt central just always just pat like really passionately talking out of both sides of your mouth that's that's what we. We need a party for this. That is me. That is me. Yeah, that is me too. I do.

I do that 100%. It's like if you put me in a room with a bunch of conservatives, I'd be like, yeah, you guys are right. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, you guys are right. Yeah. I don't disagree with people.

Right. With politics? In real life. Absolutely not. I never disagree with anyone on politics. Especially if someone's really passionate about something, I'm not going to be like, well. Because I don't know anything. No. Yeah, you definitely have thought about it. Especially if someone's really passionate about something, I'm not going to be like, well... Because I don't know anything.

You definitely have thought about it more than me. I'm not about to beat you in this little argument, and for what would I even get in the argument? Alt-Central. Yeah, Alt-Central. Alt-Central. Yeah. Throw it in the bio. It's like exceedingly agreeable. We add that to the Yak bio, Alt-Central.

We're the first Alt-Central show. It's claiming flip-flopping back. It's like reclaiming the term of being a flip-flopper because it's such a negative connotation of the hard ER of flip-flopper. We need to take that back and be able to be Alt Central. John Kerry got that. He got that tag, and flip-flopper's never been the same. Yes, exactly.

We've got to take it back. We've got to take back the idea that we're okay with anything you want to do if you feel that strongly about it. Yeah, protesting the protest. Exactly, yeah. We're just a fan of people who are passionate about things. Right. We like passion, but not the issues.

Yeah, if you've thought about it a lot, and you really want it to be a certain way, cool. Yeah. Exactly. You you thought about it more than me what you most likely have you got it yeah and the person who disagrees with you i'm cool with them too like starting to form an opinion and be like actually i don't care yeah no wait no but we can't say that we don't care even though we don't care. We do care. We have to. We care a lot. Because then we'd be nihilists.

Passionately care about everybody's viewpoints. Right, exactly. We want everyone to live their best life. That's dope. Yeah. And that's winnable. That is. That's a winning platform.

It's going to get confusing. So you can't lose. It's fine, though. What if we make it so that every single person has a different set of laws? Okay. Self-governance. Like, that person, he's allowed to kill anyone. That person, they can't even vote.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's different for everybody. Because what? Do people actually have the same sets of rules across the board? No. Yeah. We're about politics on the super micro level. Yeah, and it's real.

Yeah. And that's really, truly how the world is. Like, nobody has the same sets of rules. Every situation is different. It's true. They're like... We're fucking geniuses, bro. Oh, man.

Alt Central. Got a new way to live. We did do the edible show today, and we all are on edibles right now. A lot. All of them. Every single one of them. I'm getting back to the gym today. Really? Me too. A lot. All of them. Every single one of them. I'm getting back to the gym today. Really?

Me too. I'm the fattest. You guys will see me. Me too. Officially, I was 247 pounds today. 247? I'm going to be nothing but downhill from here until I'm literally a speck of dust. That's going to be awesome.

You think you're going to follow through? Yeah. You definitely are. I hope you do. Because it's about to be t-shirt season. Your timing, again, your timing is perfect to lose a lot of weight over the next three months, and then football season is going to smack you right in the face. Yeah, that's fine.

It's the circle of life. I need to get t-shirt season. I'm playing my way back into shape. I'm going to play basketball. I'm playing basketball at 3.30 today. Cardio. Yep. You've got a lot of plans today.

A lot of plans. Did you guys see the Bill Gates titties picture? Yeah, it was photoshopped. It was a video. Oh my god, are you serious? Someone tweeted a different one. I don't even know which one's photoshopped. He has large breasts in it. It's the most fake picture ever.

You know what? It's a video. If you believe that video... Oh, my God. That is fucking hysterical. Steven. I almost dropped my phone. Steven. Dude, he looks like...

I mean, obviously not in this video, but he looks like a normal-ass dude for his age. Me and Rome were just talking about this. Yeah. Except for the giant tits. I said inside for this video. So it brought up the hypothetical because I did see some people responding with a different version of the video. I assume that one's correct.

I can't confirm. But would you trade everything? You'd be one of the richest guys in the world, own sports teams, whatever you want to do, own an island. But you had to have tits like that. Yes. And you'd essentially be known just having the biggest but you had to have tits like that. You'd essentially be known just having the biggest man tits in the history of the world.

You would? What's the alternative life? Your current. Can you get rid of them? No, you have to have them forever. I think I'd keep my life. I think I'd keep mine. Billions? You'd just be known as the- You could just pay everyone.

Liquid money, guys. Liquid money. You could literally pay the entire world to be like, hey, never talk about my tits. It doesn't work like that. Yeah, it does. It doesn't. If I gave you $1,000 right now, it'd be like, hey, don't talk about my tits. You'd move to an island with no tits.

Yeah, and I'd ban the word tits. Yeah. What level billionaire are we talking about? Bill Gates. Bill Gates. But at a certain point, it's like you don't even need that much money. He could buy a sports team. But I bet it's fun to have it.

I would just wear a large overcoat at all times. Bill Gates could probably buy the NBA. Or a girdle or something like that that really pushes him down. No problem. No problem. Pity minimizer. Yeah. He's still the richest or is it not him anymore?

It's Jack Bezos. Go back and forth. Bill Gates still, like, the weirdest is the fact that he had that deal with his wife, I think ex-wife now, where once a year he could just go on vacation with his high school girlfriend. Like, dude, you... There's got to... I mean, whatever. What is it?

What's Bill Gates? 70 years old? They divorced, Yeah but to be like My one like lust Is to fuck another 70 year old He's a very like Like a billionaire Yeah

He did not shoot for the stars Yeah like No part of him is like Really uh Aspiring It's very bizarre He wants for nothing That's so funny i want to fuck another

old ass lady i was like 16 yeah i couldn't fuck when i was 16 right yeah he's probably a sapiosexual he probably just loves the mental connection that he has with her that's true they just they discover each other's bodies through their minds yeah or they're into the kinkiest shit of all time. Oh, yeah. All gags, pegging, everything. Go out to, like, a sex dungeon in the Bahamas. Yeah, he has, like, an ice cream scooper on a table or something. Literally, they forget to eat all weekend because they're just having so much sex. There's, like, no houses within, like, a hundred mile radius. Ravenous gun sex.

Like, fucking each other at gunpoint. Both of them. Both of them are just fucking with... Alaskan pipelining each other at gunpoint. Both of them were just fucking with... Alaskan pipelining each other. Fuck, dude. Don't say what Alaskan pipelining is. Did you guys spin the wheel? No.

No. We got to. Dude, I cannot get wet today. Yeah, you can. I can honestly... You're looking cute in your new sweater. I'm looking real dry. Am I wetting down?

Can't he get wet on his birthday? He almost said there should be an exemption. No, I mean, that's the way it is. Jerry and Zaha and TJ are the only ones who have exemptions. Why? Well, we don't know that yet. Motherfucker. Well, we don't know that.

We don't know that yet. Yeah, we don't know that we don't know it either. I thought I gave him exemptions. You don't have exemptions yet. Friday. No, you did, but. Oh, I know, I know. I thought we don't know that we don't know it either. I thought I gave him exemptions. You don't have exemptions yet. Friday. No, you did, but... Oh, I know, I know. I thought we spun the wheel during Friday's live show.

Posthumously, they do. Okay, I'm... Bad news. Jerry and TJ are dead. Jerry and TJ... Jerry and TJ are dead. Zaha has taken over both of their bodies. All right, spin the wheel.

I'm not feeling good about this. Oh, no. Yes. There we go. I'm so excited for swirly wheel. I want swirly wheel. Swirly wheel. Might go out swinging.

Swirly wheel. Swirly wheel. No, we said that the one rule of swirly wheel is even if everyone's not here, everyone's on the wheel. Right, so we would do it and then they would do it and then get back? No, we would spin the wheel. If we hit swirly, we'd spin the wheel with everyone's name on it. If someone who's not here gets it, then they get swirly when they get back. Wait, someone's getting swirly?

Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a one-time wheel only. You get to pick the toilet? No. You get to pick the toilet? No. You get to rank your top three toilets, and we get to pick. Toilet wheel. The big toilet is notoriously the worst-smelling place I've ever been.

We need to start just—we need to start reserving this toilet every day. Our block is— People feel more comfortable going in there and taking, like, the worst shit they've ever had. Too much of our wheel depends on going into this bathroom. We need another bathroom. We need a yak only bathroom. I'm thinking about that smell that happened. Oh, stop! One time me and Rome were recording

and I went to the bathroom before and I almost passed out when I walked in. There was some kind of friction between somebody's body parts that had happened in there that caused an unmistakable dead skin poop. It was the worst smelling. I'd rather think about Stephen Chase

splooging on his chest. Did y'all see that golf video? Wait, for the record, I do not do that. That's what Brandon does. Oh, I mean, Rome. Get into your fat rolls. Do you do that, Sass? I was the one that led the conversation. I don't know why you put it on me.

Go all over yourself? Everywhere. What towels are for, bro? Find it later? All over myself. No. We don't have to get back into this conversation. That's fucking funny, Steven.

Yeah, I don't really give a fuck. Hilarious. Because I know there's so many people lying because they think it's gay. They're like, oh no, I would never do that. You ever hit your mouth? I close my eyes when I come. You ever hit your mouth? I don't even want to see it., I would never do that. You ever hit your mouth? I close my eyes when I come. You ever hit your mouth? I don't even want to see it.

You got a real rope? Have you ever hit your mouth? No. Be honest. He's closed mouth? Not even close. A little bit on your lips? No, not even close.

Just a tiny bit? Nope. Ask that guy. Brandon has for sure. He's oddly quiet. He's definitely hit his mouth before by accident and been like, shit. That's not even within two feet. I don't have that much PSI

anymore. So you did. Yeah. You should be like a potato gun. Brandon, so how are you feeling after that golf shot? You really are sucking your own dick. Is that your best video of all time? It's my biggest video of all time. I don't know. I just wanted to go

to the range. Are you... Here's the only question I have for you it is an impressive video point four but watch this one do you realize that part of the impressive part and why everyone's retweeting and talking about it is because they all expect that you're a big lummox who falls all over himself that's fine but i'm a pure athlete and i got that's always my fear whenever i do something good and everyone's like, holy shit. It's like, really? They're saying, holy shit, we expected that.

That was actually good. Oh, you're not as fat as I think. I was shocked at how nice Barstool was. You tweeted something nice. Dave tweeted something nice. Hank, I was like, why are they being so nice about it? I watched it. They make fun of other people.

Yeah, they did. Just turned it on somebody else. It's not like it was inherently nice. Watch this motherfucker, right? Hank replied to my tweet on my part of my take video that I did saying, suck my dick, whatever. And then at 5 a.m., he sent me a seven paragraph write up on the back story of that joke. And he was like, I wasn't actually telling you to suck my dick.

Wait, was this Saturday night? Yeah. Yeah, he was out till like five yeah it was like i was so tired and he just kept sending like paragraphs explaining it he was very drunk because i last night he came in and his eyes like you know he can see a hangover on someone like oh my god it was cracking me up dude when robbie said that you should start a golf podcast, I thought that was funny, too. You should. You're starting from Robbie. That's very funny. Yeah, it was.

But he doesn't get it. But you should start a golf podcast. That is very funny. My answer was, yeah. What did you say? I would never start a podcast somebody else is already covering. Nice. Nice.

That would be an asshole move. You should start a golf podcast. Or a brand. How many we got? What about a brand? Well, Caleb, I don't think... They're sending me pictures of a brand they want to do with it, and I'm like... What's the pictures?

With that video? What does it say? Spanked. Yeah. Spanked, yeah. Those will fly off the shelves. Spanked. Yes.

Spanked. Spanked. I wasn't supposed to say anything. Never mind. About spanked? I don't know. But I want to go to a softball. Why can't you say spanked Yes Spanked I wasn't supposed to say anything Nevermind About Spanked? Uh But I want to go to a softball Why?

Why can't you say something? I want to go hit three Three home runs in softball Just like this And put it out there And maybe we got something Yeah I can't find a softball

I can't find people It could be called Dad Bod Or some shit And she's going to Central Park People are playing softball there Like every single day They play pussy softball In Central Park

They don't play real softball They play the gigantic ball No that's No there's real league First of all that's not pussy softball in Central Park. They don't play real softball. They play the gigantic ball. No, there's real league. First of all, that's not pussy softball. Second of all, that's not true. There's like 100 games going on at a time. In New York. Central Park, they play with – no.

In New York, they play with the softball. They have fences in Central Park, though. No. If they don't have fences, it's not going to look good. You don't want to go to Central Park because Central Park actually plays with fast pitch. I can handle that, too. They actually play. I just need a fence that you can see me hitting the ball over the fence.

That's what I need. I can't have one of these. You are going to lose the underdog quality if you start being a hard-o about it and you're like, I can fucking dunk on anybody. I'm not going to be a hard-o. I'm just going to. You just basically want to steal Mr. Perfect's shtick. You mean Dude Perfect?

No, Mr. Perfect. Oh, you're right. I said it correctly. Yeah, you were right. Wow. Who has a wrestling podcast here? Me or you? Jesus Christ. Holy fuck, dude. You. Oh, you're right. I said it correctly. Yeah, you were right. Wow, who has a wrestling podcast here? Me or you? Jesus Christ.

Holy fuck, dude. You should start a wrestling podcast. I should start a wrestling podcast. What if you did? That would be awesome. You'd probably be so funny. That would be so sick. That'd be funny as fuck, dude.

Let's call it wrestling. Dude, let's put up a poll and see if people would... Drop the RA. I'm only going to have Tony Khan on once a month, though, if that's okay. That's where I'm at right now, once a month. But CM Punk, dude, you could have Tony Khan on once a month, though, if that's okay. That's where I'm at right now, once a month. But CM Punk, dude, you could have CM Punk on. You could have them all on. Undertaker, Stone Cold.

I've had them all on. You should have had them all on already. Not Undertaker. You should just do one episode and get everyone in. Yeah. Royal Rumble episode. Royal Rumble episode. Yeah, yeah.

Where it's like 45 mics. Yeah. That would be sick. Whoever can podcast longer. Yeah. We would be sick. Whoever can podcast longer. Yeah. We're the best. Pack them all in here. We should do a Royal Rumble podcast.

You should just treat it like a- Who can just be consistently funny for the longest time? Who can out- How do you get eliminated? If you have a silence for more than a minute or so. Or say a bad joke. Yeah, or say a bad joke. You're gone.

Oh. We should do that for the act one day. Royal Rumble. and just have people get just have maybe like i think we could have maybe have a fan vote how many mics could we get what in the office that sounds like brutal yeah hell no i'd be gone in seconds all right maybe not a fan vote the brandon and owen would be gone before it even started who could be the judge we have to get like a real ref maybe a comedian but like what if it was like other people from the rest of the office come in and they're like it's like the music you hear the

music and like number six comes in there are no other people in the rest of the office no i understand what you mean but just random people like so they'll be you're talking about tank thursday big wrestlers all wrestlers and there's only a certain amount in the ring at all times. Yeah. Like a real Royal Rumble instead of 48. Just do it. Just do a Royal Rumble podcast. Yak Royal Rumble. That would be fucking sweet.

Oh, wow. I should green light this. Oh, shit. They'd listen to a big cat wrestling podcast. Oh, I'm in. A big cat toilet podcast. They'd listen to a big cat toilet podcast. Wait, this is fucking good consumer data.

This is only 80 votes. Trust the data. That's a 80 votes. Trust the data. That's a small sample. Oh, but it's going up. More people are voting. 80, 90 votes now. Wow, look at this data. A lot of data.

Data. Where the fuck do these polls even go, TJ? What do you mean? Where is it? It's in the chat. It's pinned in the YouTube chat. Got it. Steven. it's in the chat in the youtube chat got it got even they go into the void mock draft is heavily dependent on trades that may or may

not happen do you feel like uh this is a little much you've got the saints at number five picking a quarterback yeah i mean no mock drafts are 100 accurate so this is where i best feel the saints uh traded up two and a half weeks ago to set spots. Why would they do that unless they're trying to move up to a quarterback? You think they're going to go all the way up to five and take one? Don't you think where they are now, they could get one of the pick, either Pickett or Willis? Maybe, but it's uncertain.

The quarterback market moves pretty quick. If they have one guy they're in love with, you've got to go get him. Who do the Eagles have at 18? Drake London, I believe. He's not going at 18. No, give us Jameson Williams. Dude, if we got Johnson and then Jameson Williams, I'd nut, dude. I would nut fucking right into a towel.

Devontae Smith and Jameson Williams? That'd be pretty fucking sweet. It'd be really sweet. And then, I mean, this other dude. Yeah, that's the odds-on favorite to go number one right now. You've got him number nine. Yeah, I mean, I did this last night when he wasn't. I actually had him at number one, and then I talked to some people

and got moved down a little bit. Who'd you talk to? Smells like McDonald's. Not to worry about it. I just got, like, that bun burger of the burger. I don't eat McDonald's anymore, so I wouldn't know how that smells. I don't know if you've heard, but I'm on a diet. You had Daniel Jeremiah on? DJ, baby, DJ.

I mentioned Steven at the end. Very nice, thank you. I was like, if you ever see Steven, you've got to go in for the hug, because that guy would suck you off so fast. Yeah, you got to. Oh, man, you wouldn't get a boner on a porn star, but Jeremiah, perhaps?

Is he on your hall pass list? I've been in the same room with him before. Excellent. He has a presence. Really? He does? Did you come? No.

Into your towel? No. Did you come later that day? Stephen's hall pass list was just like a bunch of draft experts. Hockey Brooks. He just wants to spend a sleepover. How they do it. Who is your ideal dinner, Steven, if you had three people

dead or alive? That's funny. I actually got asked that in an interview once. That's not funny. No, it's pretty believable. That's not what funny means. It's like a very standard question that is asked all the time. It's funny.

Funny that you should ask. That's a coincidence. I've encountered this question before. Come across this question in my travels. In this dinner, I'm having individual conversations. It's not all a big hodgepodge. Have you ever been to a dinner? I'm having individual conversations. It's not all a big hodgepodge. No, it's all dinner.

Have you ever been to a dinner? Yeah. So there's four people, including yourself. I know, I know. You have like four reservations. Speed dating. You've got to go in five minutes. No, yes, you have to. I have to move on to this.

You wouldn't want to pick rivals. Sorry, Martin Luther King, I'm going to get over here. Jay, it's one dinner. Yeah. Everyone says, oh, I'd like to talk to Hitler. It's like, dude, the guy's talking German. You wouldn't know what the fuck he's saying. So think, well, you could do Hitler or you could do a translator.

Yeah, sure, you burn a translator. No, I'd probably want to talk to old basketball, like Charles Oakley and Michael Jordan. I love that. A draft guy like, I don't know, like Charles Oakley and Michael Jordan. I love that. A draft guy like Mayock or a current GM. What about Schefter? He would be really funny because I'm sure there's a lot of unreported things. I've heard he's really funny. What would you?

So MJ, Charles Oakley, Schefter. They'd probably be palling around and say some stuff they aren't supposed to. That'd be pretty cool. Just get in the corner and play cards together. You wouldn't even talk to them. Yeah, so maybe Schefter then because he knows all the stuff anyway. He just can't report on all of it. How would you lead the conversation, though?

Would you be like, I'll ask a couple to Michael Jordan and Oakley and then kind of pop over? I'd probably start with Schefter and then let those guys kind of get comfortable. I think they'd be kind of uncomfortable. Yeah, you'd get them drunk. This is a hypothetical where you guys ask like – No, but if I were MJ or Oakley, I'd be very uncomfortable that I got invited to a dinner to listen to like one weird dude like interview Schefter in front. Well, maybe you invite the other guys early on so they get a little drunk.

Well, that's what I'm saying. You have Alec Pierce. What grade do you have on Alec Pierce? Also, if the topic is heavy NFL draft, which it will be from the beginning, Oakley and Jordan aren't going to have any input whatsoever. I know, but they're going to have cool other things. My three would be

Pamela Anderson, Jenna Jameson, and Carmen Electra. That titty woman from last week followed me on Twitter. Shia LaStyle. Who's the titty woman? The one them. That titty woman from last week followed me on Twitter. Shiloh Styles. Who's the titty woman? The one that put her titties right there. She followed me on Twitter.

I don't know what to do with that. You guys saw titties? Did you slit? I didn't slide in. I don't follow her. You slid. I don't follow her. She follows me.

You slid. And then you put up the golf video? Yeah. That's what I can do, babe. I want to see a real man. Yeah. I want to get spanked. Spanked. That's why you're making a head. Spanked. I got a real man. I want to get spanked. Spanked.

That's why you're making a hat? Spanked. I got a new brand. With his fucking tongue wagging out. Spanked. I need a guest for my new show. It's going to be called Spanked. Spanked.

You need a logo. We need like a fucking sweet ass logo of your tongue dangling. Like that hat was cool. That's how I focus. It's a little bit plain, though. But if you're just like, fuck, like the Tasmanian devil or like the Cookie Crisps fucking mascot,

of you just like... Who's the Cookie Crisps mascot? Ookie Crisps. I want to see that guy. He looks like a little burglar, right? Yeah, he was a little burglar. He was all stealing Cookie Crisps. That was a wolf, no?

No, he's not a wolf. You're thinking honeycomb. Cookie crisps. Oh, that's a new guy. Oh, I've seen that guy. That's a new guy. That is a wolf. There used to be a... Yeah, them guys. Oh, it's probably

racist now or some shit. Wait, is that just Santa up there? Eating the cookie crisps? No, that's probably racist now or some shit. Wait, is that just Santa up there eating the cookie crisps? Cookie crisps. Oh, that's a wizard. Pirate. Kind of looks like Santa. It's like Santa, a wizard.

Oh, there is a wizard. Wait, how many different people do they have? They're still looking for their guy. Cookie crisps have been. Oh, that dog's kind of cool. Cycling through. Cookie crisp. Just.

It's cookies. Cut your teeth off. Not even cookies, though. It's Just cookies. Cut your teeth out. But not even cookies, though. It's like cookies are better than Cookie Crisp. Yeah, I don't really fuck with Cookie Crisp at all. Fuck with it heavy. Oh, I see Dugues recording a Frank video right now. Oh, my goodness. Uh-oh.

He got his net straight down. On your birthday? Frank's been playing games, dude. He's been big time playing. Actually, I did fucking flame him. All this shit he was talking about, enjoy James Harden, like fucking all excited. Dude, enjoy Ben Simmons. Yeah.

Have fun with Ben Simmons. And he's just blamed it all on Steve Nash, which is great. Yeah. He's like, his rotations suck. I was like, who do you want him to play? They don't have anyone. They don't have anyone. Yeah, they have like the 2009 All-Star

team. They gave up a 21-0 run the other day. Call timeout. Do something. So you think it's Steve Nash's fault? I think Steve Nash is a big... You're a Knicks fan, though. You're a hater. I've always liked Steve Nash. What did you think about Spike Lee? That was tough.

He's the guardian. It's okay to show up at the game because you're a basketball fan. You live in Brooklyn. But don't be rooting for them. You can get into it, but don't be cheering for the Nets. Come on, dude. Possibly he's just rooting against the Celtics. When we say there's no one here, this is what we're talking about.

Look at this office. Frank is just toiling away, though. Frank's just sitting there. There are people in different studios right now but for the most part this is what it looks like. This is it. Well that means it would be like Frank

plus possibly four more people. Like Tommy. Barstool vs. America is happening. There's also a cluster of people by the front I believe kind of by Jack Mac's desk

has a little gravitational pull. Yeah there's always a little gathering. Are we nervous about our boys on Barstool vs. America because they kind of That show's a fuck fest. We all know that that's what that show is.

I text them and I ask if there's been any fucks yet. They're putting on for us. If they fall flat on their face, we as a show fail. But what if they just fuck for us? What if they're just fucking on the side for us? That'd be cool. Dana's got to be pumped. Oh, Blowjob King?

Blowjob King returns. Blowjob King will be... Blowjob King? Blowjob King returns. Blowjob King will be... Blowjob King season two. You're in the Tampa, Nashville, Madison, Chicago, or Boston era. You're sucking dick. Looking for a blowjob? The Blowjob King. Oh, he will service you like no other. Shouldn't we send one of our boys out there to try to get the crown?

He blows? Yeah, he does the blowing. He's trying to be the Blowjob King. Yeah. Do you know Dana admitted to me the other day that he didn't realize how his phrasing was off for two full weeks after that episode last year when he came back from Barstool vs. America. He's like, I'm a blowjob guy now.

And he's like, I didn't realize what you guys were making fun of me for for two weeks. The blowjob king. He's saying that he- I just love blowjobs. And he's constantly a sucker. Harry, you're supposed to be in here today. You were doing the rundown? No, we've got five more minutes.

Five more minutes. What are you going to do with Ken Jack? Yes, dude. Yes. He hit bombs. What if you were his caddy? Do you know why? We've talked

he's trying to fuck Rochelle Ryan yeah I don't know what happens now I think you could probably could she would say yeah

I think you follow me on Twitter she really was she really was showing titties she's been on my right there there were titties

right there the smudges on that line on my DM for mans yeah saying what what kind of stuff what are you doing

were you like listen no I'm like I'm a fan of hers but I would have to get paid for a performance. Oh, she wants it for free? Huh? She wants it for free. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, no, I'd have to get paid.

Yeah. Jerry's indignant. I'd have to get paid. Everybody's going to see me naked on the internet? Come on. Fucking? I'd have to get paid. How much would you have to get paid? Everybody's going to see me naked on the internet? Come on. Fucking? I'd have to get paid. How much would you have to get paid?

Nickel? 500? To fuck on the internet? Nickel. It's not bad. Actually, we could probably put that together like,

just us guys. Yeah. I got a funny picture of me and her, actually. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Were you squeezing her bazoombas or what?

Or were you at a porn convention and she wasn't happy to take a picture with you? Have you done that ever? That's just from last week. Have you gone to a porn convention before? I'm like not the biggest porn guy. I don't believe that. Not either.

You should do a man on the street at a porn convention. Those shits always play. I just imagine Jerry doing the Justin Fields thing at a porn convention. Yeah, sad. And like, this is fucking bullshit. Stormy Daniels wouldn't take a picture. Yeah. Have you guys ever seen that?

That's it with her. I hope she tears her ACL. I hope she rips her pussy. Next time she's getting fucking railed in the ass. Yeah, hear that split gooch. I hope her fucking fibula and tibia break. Not even porn injuries? No, but fake titty pops.

What were you about to say, Sass? I don't remember. I have to take a huge shit. We can end the show. This has been a great show. Sass was saying earlier he has to take a shit. I can feel it on my legs. He has to take a shit in his legs and his back.

Really? I've never heard that before in my life. It's not healthy, brother. Every single time I feel it in my ass cheeks. That's where the shit goes. My hamstrings and my calves tighten up. I can feel it in my lower back, too.

It's only if it's a bad one, though. It's a bad one. No, this one's normal. Okay. You need to get your potassium up. Yeah, bro. No, I shit plenty. The cramps.

You're a vitamin K, bro. I'm a healthy shitter. I'm a healthy boy. It's not the cramps. It, I shit plenty. The cramps. You're a vitamin K, bro. I'm a healthy shitter. I'm a healthy boy. It's not the cramps. It's not the poop. All right, so Jerry, you're not here tomorrow. No. No, I'm not.

You'll be here Thursday and Friday. Jerry. Yes. Yes. This is a good show. Great show. A lively, spirited banter back and forth. What are you doing?

What are you giving me that face for, Steven? No, I thought it was a great show. I think we learned a lot about each other. Why are you so fascinated about this? Because you're wrong, and it's funny. It's not an opinion. Jerry, when you jerk off, do you just go all over your body?

I'm the toilet bowl guy. Actually, I've done that move. That's not a bad answer. You've done that move, but do you know the best move there is? That's not a bad answer. That's not a bad answer. I've done that move, but do you know what's not a bad answer? There is. These get weak. That's not a bad answer. That's not a bad answer. When you're going to bust, you go up and down.

Oh, I used to. No, that's not a bad answer. I don't hate that answer. Shower too? Shower as well? Dude, there's people in the office that bust on themselves. How do you keep pointing at me? It was Ronan's ass too.

There's three of us. I really thought that was like everyone did that. I do it all though. Toilet bowl, shower. Sometimes I'll throw down a towel. I can bust a million different ways. I can't get over how people bust on themselves. Me too.

Disgusting. It's almost 50%. It actually is. It is one of those things that I think everyone's done it because I remember when I was a kid. It's like, oh, this is new. And then I did it. I was like, what did I just do? Yeah.

Did I just fucking bust it on myself? Imagine, like, does it go on your stomach? Well, that's what I was saying, too. My belly button's too deep. I'd have come in there forever. Well. We've done this twice. It would never come out.

You need a plunger. Oh, it's so gross. Look at how Che's laughter is out of control. Well, it's because it's the first time Che's been on, like, the right side of a conversation. He's never had a take on it. He's not on the right side. Just one other guy came in. Oh, the majority.

This is also, but it is also just like. Shay literally used to wipe his ass standing up from back to front. No, no. Yeah. His head was touching the floor. He'd stand up and fold himself in half. Shay used to put the seat up and dip his ass in the toilet. And just flinch his asshole.

Until we had to teach him how to wipe. That was last month, folks. Jay used to just shove a dude wipe in between his cheeks and walk around the bathroom until it was clean. Hopefully the friction. That's the smell that you always see. He used to just tampon his ass after every shit. Take it out at the end of the night.

All right. Good show, everyone. We'll see you ever tomorrow. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. It's the act. It's the act. It's the act. Yeah, it's time to talk shop. We're doing Yankees.

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