The Yak - The Apple Store ALPHAS The King Of New York & Rico Bosco Joins The Yak | The Yak 8-4-21

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Ummmm sorry youre gonna need a shopping appointmentYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak

Hey, Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Let's go. The Yak is back. It's the four fellas. Oh. Let's go. The Yak is back. It's the four fellas. Yeah. It's all of our age groups.

We've got a teenager, a 20-year-old. It's like BFFs. Teenager, guy in his 20s, guy in his 30s, guy in his 40s. As voted on by you, the fans. This is before you won it today. Look at this. Yeah, there's a fan vote um brandon you're 40 2 42 can you sit over there yeah we're too close we're just too close yeah we're too close um you're 20 you're 20 no no sit there oh yeah he just turned 20, dude. Like five months ago.

What's up, guys? We don't even have a prep sheet. I know, right? No Steven Che today? I don't know where Che is. I think he's busy upstairs, TJ. I haven't stood up yet, so I'm here. Yeah, TJ's here.

Zah's here. So Che's busy upstairs, even though he has a show every day at 1. Yeah. How do you feel about that? It's sad. It is what it is. You're technically his employer. Am I? You're's what it is. You're technically his employer. Am I?

You're his best friend, but you're also his employer. Best friend, that's for sure. Best friend slash employer. So what's up, boys? What are we going to riff about today? I was just at the Apple store. Uh-oh. All right, all right, all right, all right.

I'm going to tweet out that you're about to do an Apple Store bit. Do it in front of – stand in front of this mic and do it. It's not a bit. It's just like a – it was more of just a story of what happened. So you were at the Apple Store. I was at the Apple Store. I was going to get a new phone. You'd think that like I went – I knew what phone I wanted to get.

I was like I'm going to get the iPhone 12, the iPhone 12 Pro. Is this what I have? Yeah, I think that's the one that you have. I keep dropping it, but yeah. They say it has the hardest screen of any of the iPhones. That's why I did drop it on concrete yesterday, and I only got a ding in the corner. You just won't case that phone ever, huh? Never.

I threw mine like 15 yards. It shattered, but it works. Why did you do that? I was wearing boots boots and they clicked together and I comically fell forward and threw it. Tossed it. There used to be, when old school

this is dating myself but that's okay. Maybe Brandon will know this. When we had iPods. Yes. I had an iPod. You did? When it would break if you threw it really hard against the wall, it automatically reset. Like, I swear to God, I had an iPod in college that I would just chuck at the wall, and it would just be, like, brand new. Do it, like, once a month.

That part I don't remember. Okay. So maybe that was just me. Yeah. I found the hack. All right, back to the iPhone. I should try that on my wife. Yeah. Back to the iPhone store. should try that on my wife. Yeah.

Back to the iPhone store. Did you mask up? You had to. Yeah. They made me wear a mask. So tough start already. Yeah. I mean, you don't have to, dude.

No. They were standing outside with masks if you didn't have a mask. Last I checked, this is America. So it was a tough start because I was like, I'm not wearing a mask. You're bowing down to the mob, though. Yeah. I was like, I'm not going to wear a mask. Liberal piece of shit.

You have to wear a mask. And I was like, I'll wear one, but I'm not wearing it around my nose. Sheep. Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah. So I go in and I'm like standing there. I'm like looking at all the phones, whatever, kind of just like waiting for someone to maybe

come up to me. And then I'm like, okay, no one's going to come up to me. So I go up to a person and they're like hey how can we help you and i'm like i'm looking to buy a phone and she's like oh you're gonna need a shopping appointment oh oh what i'm like well why do you need a shopping appointment it's just it's a store you like you don't you shouldn't need a shopping appointment so i'm like okay when is the next shopping appointment she's like there's one at 12 15 it's not like you're buying a car. I know. What time was this? 12. What do you mean buying a car? So I'm like, all right.

I'm like, all right. I can deal with that. Like, I'll just go and wait. I'll sit outside. There was like a little area to sit. So I sat outside for 15 minutes. Can I just stop you there? Yeah.

So this was 12. She wouldn't see you at 1215, even though she wasn't doing anything? No. There was mass amounts of employees that were just not doing anything. Yeah. I was going to say, I think they just saw you as a mark. I think they could go ahead and slide you in then. No, there was like a line.

They kept on telling everyone, oh, you've got to wait for the shopping. Like, it was like there's like a specific time period where you're allowed to buy things. They marked you as a bitch. No, they were like, oh, world. So then you'd expect the shopping appointment. You'd expect to just go in and be like, okay, I want my iPhone. Okay, we'll get you your iPhone. But then you go in.

So it's 1215. I go in. Oh, we got to wait in line now for everyone. Apparently, 100 people have a shopping appointment at 1215. There's going to be a little bit of a wait. So I'm waiting. I waited for like 20 minutes. And then I was like, I can't.

I was like, I have to go to work so you can cancel my shopping appointment. So I was there for about an hour and no phone wow and it's just it should just be I walk up to the to the register and I'm like I'll take the iPhone 12 and they're like okay here you go that's a thousand dollars I feel bad because like I don't think you're a bitch but I don't either treated you like a bitch no it was everyone and everyone was yes we were all it was like break it down real quick we were all riled up. They masked you. Yes.

Then they wouldn't even let you in the building. Yeah. They told you where to stand and sit. Yeah, stand and sit. Then they told you you need to have an appointment. They gave you a fake appointment. Then they made you stand in a line. Then you didn't leave with an iPhone. They fucked you, bro.

You got to be an Android guy. If you stood for anything, you're an Android guy now. It was just like it doesn't make any sense. I think the employees had a bet, some sort of pool. It wasn't just me. It was like 40 other people. And there was this one guy who was like, no. Which Apple store did you go to?

It was near Central Park. Oh, that one? And it's just like a box. No, it's the craziest thing I've ever seen. It's like a glass box. That's all of them? No, no, no. This one's not like that. Yeah, No, it's the craziest thing I've ever seen. It's like a glass box. That's all of them? No, no, no. This one's not like that.

This is a glass 3D box. A lot of them? And it's just underground. Every single one. Yeah, they're all like that. No, not like this. It was underground. It was just a massive apple.

I've been to that one. I know what you're talking about. It was only that. How can you tell it's completely glass if it's underground? Can you see it? Is it sticking out? It says only the box is above ground. You see the dirt and worms?

And then you go underground. And then they bitched you. So you went to a sex cave. Is there a chance this wasn't an Apple store at all? Yeah, you went to a sex dungeon and you got dumbed. It's like the biggest Apple store ever. No way. And it's like, I know what I want to get.

There's a thousand employees. Just sell me the iPhone. Why is it that confusing? Why don't you just buy it online? Because I like to get things the day I want to get, there's a thousand employees. Just sell me the iPhone. Why is it that confusing? Why don't you just buy it online? Because I like to get things the day I want them. So I woke up this morning and I was like, I need to get a new phone. My phone's broken. I'm the same way.

I'm the exact same way. I was like, I want it right now. So I was like, I'm going to go to the Apple store and buy a new iPhone. You demand satisfaction. They wouldn't give it to you. No. If I have to order something online, I just won't get it. Can we call that?

Can we call the Apple store? Can we call them? The underground Apple store? Yeah, let's call them. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. That's a fancy. And they do not all look like that, so.

He's right. I don't think they all look like that. It's just underground. You just walk down this spiral staircase. We're going to call them. It's just so, like they all think they're all high and mighty. I'll sort this out. You're going to need a shopping appointment. They're going to dom you too It's just so, like, they all think they're all high and mighty. I'll sort this out. You're going to need a shopping appointment.

They're going to dom you, too. No, no, no. What do you think the starting salary at the Genius Bar is? I think it's $25 an hour. Is it? Says which one you go to. That one, the one that you just pulled up the picture. That one.

On 14th? $25 an hour is pretty good. Yeah, that one right there. Geek Squad? Yeah, I think the Genius Bar people make $25 an hour. What does Geek Squad make? That's Best Buy. That's Best Buy.

Probably significantly less. I don't affiliate with that company. And they have to be called geeks? Oh, look at us. There he is, Stephen Che, my man. You don't look happy. Is that a bad meeting upstairs? Thank you, Stephen.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Did you hear that Sass got bitched out at the Apple store? Sounds like it's Going around today Listen You gotta Yeah Oh no

I also did stand up Last night For two people Really Yeah Wait How'd it go It was ten minutes

Of It was me And one other dude In the host You did ten minutes No no I mean the whole show was 10 minutes. The whole show was 10 minutes. Did you think you killed it?

No, there was no one there. Right, but did they laugh? Like, I mean, you kind of had to. I got a question. So if it's just you and the host, why do you do it? Why don't you say, all right, nobody's here, we're not going to do it. That's just reps, right? I showed up, and I was like, is this where the show is?

And he's like, yeah, how did you find out about it? I was like, do you not want me to know about it? If you had done crowd work, that would have been incredible. That was my opening joke. There's a chair right here. What did you say? I said, I'm going to do strictly crowd work. Nice.

And I think that was the only time they laughed. Shit. But then I did it again, and I actually crushed it. That was my was my best you should have just made fun of the guy and been like what a loser you are to be here yeah i want to go to one of your shows please i think i don't think i don't think that's gonna work please can he not do a show at the at the ski ball no i'm not doing a show for 70 people please maybe. Maybe one. Yeah, eventually. Beckett, they're public shows. I mean, he can't.

Yeah, I was going to him. So can you tell me what he's going to do his next one? I'm going to put a tracking device on your phone. I'm doing two today. Next time we go to Brooklyn, I'll text you. Are you his manager? Yeah. I don't know where.

Well, I do know where, but I'm not going to tell you. Why? Because I don't want people showing up. It's a guaranteed laugh. What time? Five and seven. Are you afraid I'm going to show up and boo you? Yeah.

That's actually a totally realistic fear. As I said it, I was like, wait, I definitely would. Heckle you? Yeah. I want to go to a show. Very badly. It's just like like it's fun doing it like it's fun going up on stage and like doing it and like having people laugh and stuff but like it's miserable being there yeah miserable yeah the lead up to it yeah it's like you're i'm like

incredibly anxious the entire time every i went to the same place that i went the first time that i did it last night and same exact people there was way more people this time but there was like the same guys they all it was the one dude remember i said that just how the guy was like making jokes about how his wife didn't want him to complain yeah same guy just you couldn't hear he was screaming into the mic wait it was the same guy actual same guy so you just see him now at what point have you seen like the same guy actual same guy so you just see him now at what point have you seen like the same guy where you're like this is getting depressing no no like i saw that guy

and then when the guy who was hosting the show that only two people showed up to i saw him at another comedy club god i mean that guy is your colleague now he was he was funny i think he just didn't know how to promote his show you should make a sitcom about you doing stand-up. Yeah. That'd be good. Yeah, it would be good. No one's done that. Has anyone?

No. Where's Louis C.K. these days? Comedy Cellar. Have you seen him? No, I saw a picture of him at the Comedy Cellar on Twitter, though. Apparently, like, a bunch of people got up and left. What if Louis C.K. I bet he's funny as shit, though. Yeah, what if you were there and he was, like, whipped out his cock and he's like, you're going to watch me jerk off and then I'll make you, kid.

That's what Tim Dillon did, right? No. Your hero. Yeah, Louis C.K. is very funny. Apparently, his special. Whoa, careful. Apparently, his special that he did that he released privately,

he sold millions of copies of it. He released something privately? He released it private to millions of people. I bet he really doesn't give a fuck at all now. It's probably so fucking funny. He's completely uninhibited. Both in pants and... You can say what we really are thinking.

Yeah. I've seen him do stand-up like five times live. Really? He's very funny. Yeah. So between... Also apparent... Between...

Well, I was going to say, between Louis C.K. and Cosby, who's your favorite? I watched every episode of the Cosby show. I know. And Brandon Walker, that's also his favorite family show. Yes. I mean... Oh, that is my favorite TV show of all time. They're both terrific entertainers.

Yes. But it's very sad to see... No, Cos not in jail what part of it is sad the truth about their the raping well louis ck didn't rape anybody well cosby might have probably cosby definitely did um yeah but i was listening to shane gillis was on joe rogan and he said that apparently like everyone in the comedy industry knew about the Louis C.K. shit before it came out. All of them. It's like the Harvey Weinstein. Yeah, they were like everyone knew that that was happening. Apparently one of the girl comedians that he jerked off to would make jokes about it. Yeah.

I think it's probably hard if you can't stop. If you get to the point where you're doing that in front of someone, it's already kind of too late. Harvey Weinstein is the same way. If you go into the whole story, there were multiple times where it was close to him getting caught and that he still kept on doing shit. Well, it's hard to masturbate publicly in private. It's true. That's very true. Did you guys ever watch Louis, the show?

I didn't watch the show. What was it about? Him. It was just about his life. Yeah, I watched it. Yeah, I mean, he's got so many bits where he's jerking off in weird scenarios. On a network TV show he had that? It was on Netflix, I think.

No, it was on FX. The first and second tower falling? Yeah, that was a very funny joke. That's a very KB thing to say. He said you could tell how bad a person was by how long they waited to masturbate after 9-11 happened. And he said his was in between the first and the second tower. Oh, that is good. KB would like that joke.

Where are they right now? Oh, Michigan. Kyle was here an hour ago. So I guess. The flight was at one. Okay. They really don't want to be with us. Not even a little bit, no.

Well, the fans did vote for us to be here. Yeah, that's true. Fan vote. We are. This is the all-star vote. I miss Roan. Yeah, me too. When is he coming back?

I think next week, right? He posted something about being at an airport. I something about being an airport because i'm a rider i'm sitting out the whole you're sitting out the yak because of that whole day i'm a rider did you see what happened in the last show i know but i am a rider so quote that send that out so it's gonna be i will not be here on monday thursday friday saturday or thursday friday monday do you want to do a show Saturday? No. My absence on Monday has nothing to do with a video that we might be filming on Long Island. It has everything to do with being a writer.

Roan will be here Monday. I also have to film a video on Long Island. I have to do one on Staten Island. In Long Island. Yeah. What happened with Rico? Oh, Nadeau called in last show. Oh, no.

Yeah. And Rico did not get up and run out of the room like a coward, so I was excited about that. I felt a little bad on the Dave Portnoy show. You can go listen to it. I listened to it last night. I felt a little bad when I did the Rays thing, but I just had to for the people because it was too funny and awkward.

I'll be honest. I noticed you got the Brandon Walker i noticed you got the brandon walker racist misogynistic oh really yeah i didn't know no the uh it was like there was like a lull in the conversation after they had hashed it out dave and rico after like 30 minutes and i was just like would now be a bad time to bring up the raise and it was and then started all up again. But that's for the people, the people,

people want the show. I mean, you have to discuss things like that. I think that Rico doesn't understand is I like Dave and I genuinely love him and he has a job for life, but he acts like he doesn't. He acts like it's day to day. The intro to it was fucking hilarious. What?

When he's like, he's like, are we going? And he's like, one more hour of employment. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's what he does. Like, I'm going to be on Uber.

You literally have a job for the rest of your life if you want it. But you're the only one who does the one foot in, one foot out. There was like 90 seconds to two minutes of him and Dave just screaming, not hearing each other. That's Pickham. I'm excited for Pickham. Yeah, these are just reps, right? Yeah other. That's Pickham. That's Pickham. I'm excited for Pickham. Yeah, these are just reps, right?

Yeah, we were just getting our reps in. Summer squeeze-out season. I used to watch Pickham. I thought it was actually very funny. Oh, thank you. I don't even pay attention to sports. It is very funny. Not anymore is it funny?

Well, it's not on right now, is it? Where did you watch Pickham? On YouTube? Or I would listen to it, I guess. That's like one of the meanest compliments that you can get about Barstool. The one I always get is when a girl comes up to me and she's like, my boyfriend's a huge fan. I'm like, oh, okay.

But you hate me, clearly. What is that? I don't think that's crazy. You don't think that's... It always kind of hurts my feelings. Really? Not hurts my feelings, but I'm just like... But if she...

But I'm talking to you right now. Because the connotation is like my dumb little boyfriend likes you. Right, exactly. Like, yeah, he makes me listen. Yeah. I guess that's not that bad. If she recognizes you, though, she pays enough attention to glean who people are. Correct?

Yeah, that's true. Also, I was possibly on a Klan show there. Yeah, I saw that. A Klan show? Yeah. Was that intentional? I don't know. A hilarious joke that was.

I'm giving them benefit of the doubt. David Duke was called. I think she worked me. I think she worked me. Are you talking about, which one are you talking about? No, no, no. Kim's Coffee Corner? Content with Kim.

Oh. Coffee with content Kim. I thought you were talking about your podcast with Kim. No, no, no. That's for next week. Oh, okay. Coffee with content Kim, and they spelled all three words with a K. Yeah, but there's a W in there.

Yeah, no, it's K-W-K-K. Yeah, I think the- What? Yeah, it's K-W-K-K. I think the W kind of changes it. Ku Klux White Klan. Yeah. That's crazy.

Not really. Yeah. But isn't it crazy that I was the first guess? Why would they intentionally do all Ks unless it was like a racist thing or a clan thing? I don't think the girl's right. I think she fucked up. Unless she's a genius. She should fix that.

No, she did. There's a Post-it with a C over one of the Ks on her desk. Oh. Yeah. I could fetch it. The Post-it? We're going to interview the Post-it? Well, maybe she was sending out a signal.

Wait, is this a Barstool podcast? Yes, the girl that's been, she's over here. Oh, okay. Maybe she was sending out a signal. Wait, is this a Barstool podcast? Yes, the girl that's been, she's over here. Oh, okay. Maybe she was sending out a signal to, isn't there a person? I thought there was like someone DM'd you to be on it. Isn't there a person who DMs Jack Mack, Jack McGuire? Is anyone at Barstool still red? No, I think it's the one of the Parkland.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, and he's like, you still holding it down over at lib stool so maybe she's the flag to be like hey listen we still we still got our tent poles here yeah we're going we're taking a hard right barstool's not it's one of those like i think he got the post-it when you weren't in the girl q anon will probably pick this up and be like look it's good to know that barstool is still... Okay, there we go. Y-A-C. Yard Deferred Catch? And it's coffee with... You can't see that.

They're very lovely people. Was the girl there? No. Okay. Was that a little blonde girl there? She's in a meeting. Oh, see. See your way out of here.

I thought it was... Did you do an interview with her? I did not. She said they were going to do me, Marty me marty mush and you yeah i was uh i think she fucked i taught me like go and take a take a piss and i was like i i'll be back and then i forgot to go back so it's a mother daughter duo yeah they're funny i thought she was very funny very funny really funny funnier than me oh yeah, yeah. For sure. Make your funniness at Barstool. Top.

What was in my eye? What was that? 10%? Top 10% funny? I have no idea. No, you know. There's no way you don't think you're number one. I don't compare myself to other people.

You might not think you're number one, but you think you're at least top five for sure. No, I don't. Yes, you do. I think Nick and KB are the funniest. I think Roan is extremely funny. I think Big Cat. I think Dave is funny. I think Rico is really funny.

Funny how? Like he makes me laugh. That's my favorite type of funny. I think Caleb is funny. So it's all white guys. Interesting. Women can't be funny. That's what you say, right?

No. No women. No PLC. Continue your list. I mean, it's not like we have a stacked lineup of that. Of those. Caucasian James. Caucasian James.

Yeah. Is he going to come crash at your house? Caucasian James Caucasian James Yeah Is he gonna Is he gonna come Crash at your house No We have nowhere for him to sleep Don't you have Make a place

There's four rooms in that place right Aren't you guys moving You've gone four wide In your bed before It's true Are we moving I don't think so Eventually We're not allowed to Sublet Eventually you will right Are we moving? I don't think so Eventually

We're not allowed to sublet Eventually you will, right? We're not allowed to sublet Or else we'll get evicted Yeah But I don't really understand Like, okay, but we want to move We want to move out anyway

Right, exactly So we evict us, that's fine You just lose maybe your I'm assuming you lose money Do you get a fine when you get evicted? I'm assuming you lose money I think so I think right now

This eviction thing going on in the world Like, evictions are about to become illegal, right? They were illegal for a while, but apparently they're not anymore. Maybe Delta variant. I don't pay attention to it. We'll get free rent again. What is the deal with that, by the way? Well, our neighbors got evicted.

Really? Yeah, they had like nine people living there. Were they bad neighbors? One of them was a tent on the roof. We don't know them. They were a tent on the roof. One of them was staying in a tent on the roof. They were... There was a tent on the roof. One of them was staying in a tent on the roof. Okay, they need to get evicted, yes.

Do they, though? Who gives a fuck? It wasn't bothering us. They could have had ten tents over there. It wouldn't have changed anything for me. Can you riff on the Apple Store a little more? Yeah. No. I think I'm going to try and do the...

Can we call the Apple Store? By the way, hardest call system to dummy. Really? Yeah, the computer was like... I mean, they wanted the IMEI number. I guess it is the Apple Store, right? I waited for like five minutes and I just could not get around it. Genius bar.

I was going to get you a new phone today. That would have been nice. I think I'm going to just do, apparently you can just do like an order online and then you pick it up in the store like 30 minutes later. Yes. I'm just going to do that. I do that every time. Every time? I break a lot of phones.

You can just order it and it's out of your apartment the next day. Yeah, but I want it in my hands today. Yeah, he's gotta have it. I've been telling you you get a new phone for nine months. Why today? All of a sudden you need it. I woke up this morning. My phone wasn't working. I'm getting... My messages are automatically deleting themselves for some

reason, so I'm like, this can't be happening. Too much porn? Way too much porn. Way too much. Take the case off that thing. This thing is in good shape. Yeah, take the case off that thing this thing is in good shape yeah take the case off though really feel it touch it get to know that thing yeah put a case on a phone is lame this is a five-year-old phone damn pristine not a crack or a scratch on it you got that phone when you're 15 years old oh you still have the fucking button? Yeah. Holy shit. That's a throwback.

Yeah. I'm actually not really looking forward to losing the button. Colin Poppy debuted. Yeah. How was that? I didn't watch it. I bet it's good. Do you guys all watch porn on your phones?

Yeah. Sometimes. Mostly, yeah. Big time desperation. Do you guys watch porn still? Is that like a thing? Wait, what did you just say? I don't really. What did you just say? I mean uh big time you guys watch porn still is that like a thing i don't really what did you say i mean big time desperation why don't you use like a like a computer or like a bigger screen using a computer is such more of a hassle yeah what do you where do you put it way more sitting on your couch you're like all right way more

traceable too like my my my wife and kids can get my computer they never get my phone you also not sure they never get my phone. That's not true. They always get your phone. Tommy Walker's FaceTimed me many times. Every time they do, I erase my Safari data. You have to be way hornier. You know you can use private. You've told me this.

We've done this on the Yak. And you still don't do it. I used to try it on my TV. Show me. Give me your phone. Oh, because you don't want me to see all the porn. I don't watch much porn. I tried to do it on my TV. Show me. Give me your phone. Oh, because you don't want me to see all the porn. I don't watch much porn. I tried to do it on my TV on my PlayStation one time, but then I was like, this just feels so much weirder.

How do you get porn on your PlayStation? You have to be way hornier. You can just go on Safari on your PlayStation. Wait, so Steven, every time you watch porn, you make an appointment in your calendar and go sit at your desk? Oh, you have to have a jerk over there. No. I mean, I have a tablet for that. Bigger screen. Wait, so you're palming a tablet? to have a jerk on the phone. No. I mean, I have a tablet for that. Bigger screen.

Wait. Wait, so you're palming a tablet? You have a dedicated tablet? Palming? It's a big man move. How are you holding the tablet?

You rest it. I have a case for it. So, like, there's a trifold rest. You set up a tripod and stare at it? You know how, like, Big Ev, like, works

at his, like, iPad? Yeah, you have that little thing on the back. Do you jerk off at a desk? No. Never. Never. Where do you jerk off at a desk? No, never. Where do you jerk off? In your bed?

Bed, couch. In your marital bed? How could you? Gross. You don't have to sneak. I've never said that. You keep accusing me of that. You shower twice a day for a reason.

No, I shower twice a day because it gets nasty and stinky, okay? Oh, you bet you do, big boy. This is about you, though. Nasty and stinky. You can't just... Brent is so nasty, he's got to go in the shower twice a day. You can't just be out there with your masturbation when you're married, so what do you do? You have to sneak off and do it somewhere.

Yeah. Okay? After hours, things like that. There goes Steven with his iPad down to the basement. What's the worst... Your wife would be like, oh, did you jerk off? And you'd be like, yeah. Oh, you don't want, yeah. You don't want anybody to ever catch you.

I think that's just something that gets built into everyone when they're a young kid. Like, this is bad. Yeah. Yeah. It makes you feel bad about it. It's an embarrassing thing to get caught by anybody. Yeah. Even your wife.

I've told the story about how when I like the first time I ever jerked off, I just did it like in my room with the door wide open. Yeah. Even your wife. I've told the story about how when I like the first time I ever jerked off, I just did it like in my room with the door wide open. Yeah. So I just didn't know there was anything wrong about it. See, that's how we should live. I didn't touch my shaft the first time I jerked off. Yeah, that's how we should live. I was shaking my balls like dice.

That's without the fear. Yeah. Everyone says that's Jeffrey Toobin's world. One day. One day we'll get there. One day we will get there. One day we will get there. I have a dream. Hell of a world.

All right. What else? So what are you guys saying? You hold your phone and you palm it? So one hand is holding the phone the entire time? Yes. How many hands do you need? What are you talking about?

You can get one of those like. Oh, you like to switch up the hands. Jay's got one finger. You do a double day. Jay's like i'm doing my left and my right you have a teasing stallion you get it ready with this one i don't like romanticize masturbation it's like squeeze it until it pops no it's yeah it's it's really just like it's almost almost instinct. Now I'm picturing Stephen lighting a candle, turning the lights off.

It's just like, oh, switching positions. It's almost 11. Two hands and a foot. They're guarding me to my right. I'm going to go left. They didn't see that one coming. It's pretty quick. Stephen probably jerks himself off with his feet.

Gets all the way up there like this. Gives himself a foot job. I can't even touch my toes. That's impossible. You can't? No. Wow. Unless I bend my knees.

For an athlete, that's sad. I'm not an athlete anymore. Oh, yeah, you were. Tablet typing is kind of awkward anyway, so you're about to get ready to jerk off, and you're just poking porn or something? What do you think you do with your phone? Phone is just so easy. Bam, one button.

I don't even know. I didn't even think about it. Brandon's got porn on speed dial. It's easy. Easy peasy. Brandon saves all his videos. He downloads them to his hard drive. I'm surprised, Brandon.

I'm surprised you don't jerk off to Playboy magazines. I would feel like that would be right up your alley. They don't make them anymore, do they? Glennie has got a stack of them on his desk. Way back in the day. What's Glennie's monthly bill for OnlyFans? Like $200? No, I think it's like $50.

No, I think it's way more than $50. He does like 12 girls, right? By the way, I think he gets a lot of them for free for some reason. Oh, I want you guys to give Glennie free subscriptions. I think so, right? Or he gets like a free month. Jesus Christ. I want you guys to be prepared for something tomorrow.

Frank is back. He came over to my desk, and he's like, tomorrow's going to be an all-time Tank Thursday. Jesus Christ. Okay. So I just wanted to give you that. Appreciate you leaving. What does that mean? I don't know. But he was heartbroken when I said I wasn't to give you that. Appreciate you leaving. What does that mean?

I don't know. But he was heartbroken when I said I wasn't going to be here. He was upset. I felt very bad. I felt very bad. Do you think about delaying the trip a little bit? No. Not that bad.

Can I come on the trip? No. You can't hang, bro. You got bits in an Apple store. You think you can hang with these guys? You can't hang with my crew. You would be miserable on a bachelor party. Yeah, you would.

Especially. Yes, you would. A grown man bachelor party. Not with those boys. We have to converse and like. Talk sports. We're going to be talking kids the whole time. Play sports.

They're not all going to be talking kids. Right? They don't all have kids. No, they don't all have kids. And no one wants to hear about Big Cat's kids on a bachelor party. It's a sin party? Nah. It's a sin. Fuck that.

All right. I am nervous, though. Why are you so nervous for it? Because I haven't... You've told me you're nervous for it like 15 times. Because you haven't been... All right. I, like...

My... You don't have to get belligerently drunk. Yes, you do. You got to keep up. When's the last time you had double-digit drunk? You can just keep up. I'm probably going to be, knowing myself, I'm going to probably be the pace setter. You got to leave.

Yes. Okay. When's the last time you had double-digit standard drinks? On one night. A couple years? You should have been training for this. That's why I'm nervous. Tonight, take down 15.

Go out with Dana tonight. Yeah. It's just going to suck. I'm going to be so fucking hungover. I'm going to have fun. Dana's in Mississippi, so you need to virtually go out with him. You go to a bar in New York, FaceTime him. You guys just drink together.

Bring a couple Revivalites. Oh, yeah. That's close. That's almost it. Revitalites? There you go. Should be Revivalite. Am I wrong?

They fucked up. Yeah. You should put that in your stand-up. I don't think that would work. I've been banking my sleep all week. I've been going to sleep at like 9 o'clock, which is a very weird thing to do. That's not good. You can't bank sleep.

You're just getting yourself used to more sleep. You can bank sleep. You cannot bank sleep. I've been banking sleep. You need to take those liquid IV things, take the Revitalite stuff. I've already changed. I'm going banking sleep. You need to get, take a liquid IV. Take those liquid IV things. Take the Revitalite stuff. I've already changed my flight. Really?

You did? To come back earlier? Oh, my God. Well, because Saturday night, like, three nights is too much. Three nights is crazy. Saturday is, I love day drinking, especially on a boat so saturday i will day drink all day and then i will literally just go to the airport and get out on the flight yeah right that's gonna suck that's gonna be way better than leaving sunday getting home at like three

than having to come to the office and that way you'll get you'll get your hangover out of the way in your own bed at home instead of coming back. Correct. But you're going to be enjoying that. You're going to be getting that hangover over on the plane. Yeah.

Oh, no. The plane will be terrible. No, the plane will be terrible. I totally admit that. But the last six hours of a bachelor party are completely like you're just running up the score.

The game's over. Like you've had your fun. You've done your things it's time to go home never want to be the last one there i guess i mean i don't know i guess i just don't like flying in general so that sounds horrible to me i don't mind flying i'll probably just sleep on the plane get home sleep again can you sleep on a plane yeah i can't sleep oh yeah neither can i why i haven't slept on a plane ever in my entire life. I can't sleep in a car or on a plane. I just can't do it.

I flew overnight to Europe when I was in high school, when I went to Italy and France. And I was delusional at how tired I was. And I just couldn't sleep for some reason. It was crazy. No, I'll fuck you. I can sleep anywhere. Anywhere, anytime. I can sleep after coffee anywhere. Yeah,. I can sleep after coffee, anywhere.

Yeah, caffeine, I can sleep... I took pre-workout last night and I fell asleep. If it were time to sleep right now, could you sleep on the couch? Yes. If you gave me a comfortable couch, I'd be asleep in 10 minutes.

No way. Fall asleep by 2 o'clock. Yeah. I need a comfortable couch. That's a com... These are comfortable chairs. No, these are not. These are sleeping chairs.

If you give me a spot to lay down, I can fall asleep. You know who knows how to sleep? Grandpas. Yeah. Yeah. My dad falls asleep like crazy. That's a dad thing. I've gained.

I always was okay if I needed to sleep. But now if I get. After beating you? No. If I get 10 minutes of just like my head is on a pillow, I'm asleep. I don't. I'm the complete opposite. Well, you're young and you're dumb and full of cum.

I think I'm going to start working out before I go to bed, though, because last night I went on a run. No, that's the opposite of what you should do. There goes Rico. I went on a run. Rico! I passed out. Went to bed at like 1130. It takes me like 6 hours to fall asleep

I wanted to I wanted to say something to you Hey Rick I wanted to tell you something How's it going I made it official A few minutes ago But

I said this on the air I'll say it to your face Monday You won't see me in the office Cause I'm a rider Did you have You know what I'm not even gonna doubt it Thanks Dan That's I'm a rider. Did you have proof? You know what? I'm not even going to doubt it.

Thanks, Dan. I'm a rider. Ask him the question. No. Ask him the question. Yes, I have a video I have to do in Long Island, but I'm a rider. It's all right. I'm a rider.

It doesn't matter how you ride as long as you ride. Sas put you in his top five funniest employees at this company. What's crazy? It was they asked me to name who I thought was funny in the office, and I named everyone I thought was funny. Rico's not really in the office, though. You know, Brandon. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, the pillars of the week.

The pillars of the week. That was funny. That's the meat. I heard, I listened, I don't know, I heard, actually, you know what, I'm going to check the numbers right now. It's a good show. The numbers are wonderful. I got a DM, I want to check the numbers. now. It's a good show. The numbers are wonderful. I got a DM.

I want to check the numbers. Well, it's a big three. The big three are there. When you think of, you know. Let's check. When Dave and I retire, Rico's coming with us. Episode 43 was the one he did in Saratoga. Had 103 views on YouTube.

Episode 44 has been out for 13 hours. It's at 56 views. Wow, we're pacing. 56K. We're pacing. Yeah, we sell tickets to the show. Yeah. It's what we do.

Where are all your boys? You guys are running late today. Yeah, they all abandoned us. Did you watch Rediscovering America? I watched some of it. It was pretty good. It was a good video. Yeah, they're always funny. You didn't watch it, did you? Yeah, I did. I watched some of it. It was pretty good. It's a good video. Very good.

They're always funny. You didn't watch it, did you? Yeah, I did. I haven't watched it last night. I watched the part from Wound Socket through Pat. I'll finish it later. I thought it was good. Yeah, it's very funny in the beginning.

They said, dress like pilgrims, and they show up as pill heads. It was very funny. My favorite way to consume videos is to have someone tell me about them. That is the best way. I just did one line. It's literally the first 12 seconds of the video. I don't think I ruined anything else. Wait, stay for a little bit.

What do you got going on? Yeah, have a seat. How was the benchmark? Good. Who did you guys interview? Nobody. What? Just got off the draft.

We did a little. Oh, okay. I didn't know if there was an interview coming. Who's next on the list? We're putting in contacts. Are you keeping score of who's here Monday? No. I think the grave is already dug.

You're just laying in it? No, I think it's the other way. Yesterday it was your grave, but all of a sudden 24 hours later. It's amazing how that works out, right Brandon? That's the hint to that. Do you think you'll ever get Coach K? I have somebody in his circle. Who?

A guy who's very close to the basketball program. Okay. I have somebody in his circle who, uh, a guy who's very close to the basketball program. Okay. But I don't think we'll ever get them. You only have, you only have about nine months. Might be able to grab Roy. My dad met him,

got me his autograph. Oh, that was the book that I ripped up, right? Oh, that was mine. Oh, that was yours. Yeah.

We ripped up a coach K autograph on this show. I don't know why we did that. I brought it in for show and tell, and then you ripped it up. Tom Fullery hijinks. That was my bad. All good. But you didn't care at all. No, it's going to be a –

But maybe you did. The farewell tour is going to be wild. Well, yeah, it's going to be terrible. Yours or Coach K's? Disgusting. Oh, good question, Brandon. Your farewell tour has been going on for a long time. For eight years.

Three presidents. Forever. Brett Fav a long time. Forever. Three presidents. Brett Favre and me. Yeah. Uber driver. Can I get a ride home today? Get a ride home? Just practice for Uber. Yeah.

I'll sit in the back. No talking. I doubt he'll Uber into Brooklyn, though. He'll mainly keep to Manhattan and Staten Island. Yeah. You got to pass through. You don't know how the bridges work. Not at through. You don't know how the bridges work. Not at all.

You've got to pass through to get there. Talk to him, King of New York. Oh, I don't know. You're talking to the wrong person. I basically only stay in Manhattan. Okay. That's where the action's at? No, it's just where I live.

You've done so much for being king. You've done stand-up in Brooklyn. Mm-hmm. Your manager says that. We've gone to the Bronx. Have we gone to the Bronx? It's where Yankee Stadium is. Oh, manager says that. We've gone to the Bronx. Have we gone to the Bronx? It's where Yankee Stadium is. Oh, yeah, yeah.

We did go to the Bronx. I haven't been to Yankee Stadium yet. It's a hassle to get there. I will, yeah. It took a long time. You're never going to go? No, I have not been. You've got to go.

You have friends on the team now. Yeah, Rizzo's on the team. I've been invited, and I've just been very, well, Sass invited me, and I said no. Yep. And then someone else maybe more important than Sass invited me, and I was like, no chance. A-Rod? No. Someone more important.

J-Lo? Who? Yeah. Who could have been more important than me? It was J-Lo. The president. And you said no chance to Obama. Yeah, I said no chance.

You said no to 44? I said no chance, pal. said no to 44 No chance pal We're going hard right But about 45 45 invite you That's so far away You should invite 46 46

If they let him out of his His basement Oh fuck Who invited you Tell us who invited you Come on do a little name drop No it wasn't actually Anyone important

It was But I just said no It was It was Super important Phil R wasn't actually anyone important. It was. But I just said no cheater one. It was. Super important. Phil Rizzuto before he died. Yep. It was.

It was. Derek Cheater. Yeah, I'll never. That's too far away. It was Derek Cheater, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. Really? No.

Can't you get there on the train, though? How long does it take to get there on the train? I don't think you can get there on the train, can you? Yes, you can. Almost certainly can. Why did we get off the train, then? 35 minutes. You can't get anywhere in the city on a train. That's it? All right, I there on the train, can you? Yes, you can. Almost certainly can. Why did we get off the train then? 35 minutes. You can't get anywhere

in the city on a train. That's it? All right, I'm going to go. Fuck it, I'll go. You can literally get on the train right here. I'll go see Rizzo, yeah. Why did we get off the train then?

Didn't we get off the train in Uber? Yeah, we went on like a Sunday and the D wasn't running the time we wanted to get there. Oh, it's the D? I could, yeah, we could, D's right here.

Yeah. Damn. Multiple trains go there. Everything's right here. Yeah. Damn. Multiple trains go there. Everything's right here. Yeah, three. They do the race on the Jumbotron in the sixth inning. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Fuck. Okay. Yeah. Too far. Too far. Too far. Too far. 35 minutes on the train is a long time.

That is... It's a haul. That's one episode. I love the train right now because no one's on it. Lock in. Watch it. One program. Brandon doesn't even know how to take the train.

The subway. I do, too. I've taken it three times since I've been here. Three? To get my hair cut, yes. Oh, wow. You've only taken the train three times? But I can only take this one.

The one right here. I thought you took the train, like, all the time. No, I take Jersey Transit. Oh. Penn Station. I take that train. The subway. The subway, I can only take one.

It's really, it's way more confusing here than it is in, like, other cities, I feel like. Meh. I don't that train. Subway. The subway, I can only take one. It's really, it's way more confusing here than it is in like other cities, I feel like. Meh. I don't think so. You just gotta figure out which way it's going. Yeah. There's like 15 different trains. You ever seen Japan, Tokyo? And they say, they say you can only take like one.

It's in a different language. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. I feel like they say you can only take one train and then you'll get another one and it'll still take you to where you need to go. They lie. They do lie. And the audio on the thing is so bad.

The D train. Dude, save that for the fucking stand-up set. Did they cut me? I think they cut my mic. Did they cut my mic? No, you're good. You can have mine. Stand up for the stand-up.

No, it's not like an unpopular opinion. No, that's a good bit. Sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. Yeah. It is just crazy how bad the audio is. Rico, what are your other days this week? Tomorrow. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

Next week, it's WTF. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. That's a fun week. Yeah, that's the soft days. Yeah. Not the pillar of the week. You're getting the best of everybody, the funniest of everybody. Especially everyone here clocks out on Wednesdays now. Yeah, that's the soft days. Not the pillar of the week. You're getting the best of everybody.

The funniest of everybody. Especially everyone here clocks out on Wednesdays now. Yeah, that's true. Gotta go down to the shore. Jersey Shore House is closed. There's an event. Yeah. There's an event.

There's always an event. Who knows? Who knows? Not my barstool. And we're just parties now. The guys are down grinding at the shore. Content. All right, what else we got?

Which do y'all like better, cheese nips or goldfish? I don't even know. Cheese nips are like... They're the orange box. They're disgusting. It's nips fish in that order. It's fish nips is what I would do. I only do crunchy Doritos.

Nips are gross. No, it's fish nips. Just crunchy for me. It's number one. Nips are gross. No, it's fish nips. Just crunchy for me. It's number one. Nips are terrible. I guess Rico's decided to leave. All right, see you, Rico.

I think nips are number one. That's okay. You can go. I would say fish. Do you have a meeting? Oh, yeah? Is there a competition? Read your email. Come on, read your email.

Oh, I want to do it. I got 50 yesterday. What do I need to teach you how to read? What did you get? Why does he do this? I don't know. Why us? I'm going to be...

No, I'm... 50? Yeah. That's not brutal. I got the time extension. You think 50 is going to compete? 50 is... I'm not going to roll out of bed with 50.

You've got to be in the triple digits to compete here. No way you've ever been in the triple digits. Everybody in school streams has been in triple digits. Triple digits is the number. I don't think I ever am not in triple digits. On the Papa Shot? Yes. You get to 30.

There's another extension. You get to 30, you get an extension. 60 extension, 90 extension. Damn. They told me that the 50 is good no no 50 is good bro bro 50 is good yeah you go for 50 i don't really care no no no i don't play i feel like you care deeply i don't i was just like i thought 50 would be like people would be impressed with 50 you should have told the apple girl that you could get 50 on a pop shot

i was you have a fucking phone in your pocket right now what did the what's the ups guys high score fedex 17 uh this pop a shot he went 117 i went i thought he went over 120 he walked in he did 111 and 117 you're right but he's a champion he's a 1997 uh pop shot champion that's pretty fucking impressive but everyone on the thing is it's not a hard number to really get because you keep getting extensions it seemed like i i was i got like almost every single if you get over 30 you're gonna get over six like it just keeps uh adding up snowball i was getting like every shot in and i thought 50 was really good but i guess not fast enough yeah i went on yeah it's about it's about getting shots up. I don't even shoot. It's like pizza.

I'm not shooting. Nick does it underhand. Yeah, I'm not shooting. I'm like... Flicking. Yeah, like lobbing it softly. Like, I'm going like this. I'm like doing what Stephen Chay probably jerks himself off.

It's a huge compliment, you thinking that I have a penis that large. He's always telling me that Stephen Chay's got a huge penis. Huge. Four girls may know the same. There are four women out there who've experienced a full Chay. Just think about that right now.

It's facts. It's just fucking in your face. Talk to them all. We should get them all in here. Yeah, we should. Mount Rushmore. The panel. Of chicks.

Stephen Chase. That'd be a good Friday vibes. I would absolutely watch that. Yeah. That would be awesome. Okay, what else we got? Anything else? I'm limpid today.

You are? I'm sick as a dog. Let's ask to another bit. Yeah, do another bit. I don't have any other bits. No, do us. Give us one. I'm limp today. You are? I'm sick as a dog. Let's ask to another bit. Yeah, do another bit. I don't have any other bits. No, give us one. I don't have any other bits. What are you going to talk to Rone about?

What were you going to film yesterday? Okay, bam. No, I don't need to do that. Dude, I saw your lasagna thing. That was old, but it was good. Yeah, it was really old. Fucking mom's doing lasagna again. Yeah.

Want to kill yourself? Because of lasagna? Yeah, it was a good video. I agree. That's why I brought it up. Yeah. When did you see that? It popped up on my timeline.

Fuck yeah. Oh, Brandon's heading out. All right. Yep. Michelangelo. We all know. Michelangelo is his name. Don't be afraid to use his name.

Seriously. Not his title. Brandon doesn't. Yeah, let's watch the lasagna video. No, let's not to use his name. Seriously. Not his title. Brandon doesn't. Yeah, let's watch the lasagna video. No, let's not watch the lasagna. Why? It was good. I don't want to watch that.

I don't want to watch my own video. Let's watch one of your really old videos. Okay. What? What? Who made that noise? You. When?

Right now. Ever. All right. Don't cancel a lasagna video. Cancel it. Cancel it. Scrap it. Cancel the lasagna video.

I would love some fucking lasagna. Maybe show us a picture of Garfield and some lasagna just as a placeholder so people can... That fucking cat loves lasagna. Yeah, show us Garfield and lasagna. No, don't do the video. I don't want to watch the video. We're not going to do the video. Show us a picture of Garfield and some lasagna. Maybe pull up a Garfield and lasagna. No, don't do the video. I don't want to watch the video. We're not going to do the video. Show us a picture of Garfield and some lasagna.

Maybe pull up a Garfield comic strip. Let's go with that. That fucking cat. That cat. He hates Mondays. Yeah, he does. He's like Rico. He loves lasagna.

I feel like I had something else I wanted to talk about. Big Cat, can you pick a fantasy football order? I need to figure out a way to pick everyone's with one. And just be done. Yeah. But go ahead. I'll do this one. James, Casey, Frog, Ethan, Don, Dave, Conrad, Miles, Henry, Eric, Dealey, and Ross.

Too many. Let's just do that order. Tell them that works. No, flip the order, but make Frog number one. I was going to say make Frog last. No, Frog's one. Flip the order but make frog number one i was gonna say make frog last no frogs one flip the order flip oh also actually that's gonna take a while i'd like to move henry to just say flip the order frogs number and frogs number one can henry be too all right so we're gonna go frog and then flip the order ross look at this fucking cat

and he's got lasagna who cooked it i mean. Who cooked it? I mean, that's crazy. Dude, cats cannot eat that much lasagna. Like, there's some plot holes. Oh, wow. Good point. Must have got a huge cock. Why don't you ever see it? Yeah, wouldn't you be able to see it?

Does Garfield get pussy? He is a pussy. I don't know, but does he get pussy? Yeah, if he just jerks off. There was one girl cat, Arlene, but I don't know if they ever fucked. Arlene? Let me see Arlene. Arlene was hot.

Arlene's a good looking cat. Let me see Arlene real quick. She was pink. Let me see that bitch Arlene. Arlene's a good looking cat. Cats get feline AIDS all the time, so I think cats are fucking all the time. Yeah. That's depressing.

Feline AIDS is a real thing. Really? Wait till you see Arlene. Arlene? Oh. No, she's gross. No, she fuckss No, no, no She looks like a dick

She looks like a worm You like this? I think That's not a good picture of Arlene Ew That's not a good picture of Arlene What, the angle's bad? It's a bad angle, yeah

Arlene is hideous She's better looking than that That was a terrible picture of Joyce Is she a flat colossal? No, she's just gross She's not Naked cats are gross. She has hair. She has pink hair.

Oh, that was definitely a naked cat. Marlene's not a naked cat. Yeah, that is a naked cat. Find me another picture of Marlene. Marlene is not a naked cat. Marlene or Arlene? Arlene. Marlene is not a naked cat. These are bad pictures of Marlene.

This is bullshit. You don you want to fuck that? This is bullshit. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Brandon has hots for Arlene. Dude, Arlene is gross. This is terrible. I'm surprised Garfield didn't get canceled.

That's a better picture of Arlene. No, she's still disgusting. She's 100% a naked cat. She's a cat. She's not naked. She is 100%. Why do you keep on saying naked? That's how you say the word.

N-E-K-K-I-D. He's a naked cat. That is a naked cat. That cat is not naked. She's not naked. Can you Google Arlene Garfield? What's her last name? I don't think she has.

She's a cat. Well, Garfield, what's his last name? Arbuckle, because it's the owner? I don't know. But he's never referred to as Garfield Arbuckle. Well, if he goes to the vet, they have to give a full name, don't they? Odie fell out. Odie was big, and then Odie's not as big anymore.

Oh, this is the most disgusting cat I've ever seen. That's a exclamation. I mean, that's not a... I'd strangle that cat. If I saw that cat... You'd kill that cat. I'd kick that cat in the head and hope it died. Because I would...

That cat knows it's ugly. You ever seen a dog or a cat that knows it's ugly? Yeah. That's brutal. Brutal life to live. I think there's a freedom in that. No. There we go.

Ew. Look at that. Isn't that nice? Ew. Oh. Garfield fucks. Garfield could do way better He's a fat cat Yeah but he's got good color

Good personality Always got lasagna Huge feet Got a fucking Kind of a funny ironic detachment from life Yeah do you guys ever read It's old now Garfield minus Garfield That's funny

It's hilarious. That is good. Arlene the cat. Naked cat. Only reads Bukowski. Is that true? No. But I do like Bukowski's books.

Who's Bukowski? Who is Bukowski is my question as well. Charles Bukowski. The guy who wrote Simpson's episodes? That didn't answer the question at all. He's like a poet slash author. What has he written? You're just thinking everybody's a comic strip author?

He's just a famous author. They do Peanuts? Family Circus? High and Lowest? What are we talking here? Blondie? He did do Blondie. What's the other one that's beside the Family Circus?

There's always the two at the top. Family Circus. I can't name a single cartoon. Really? Name one character on Family Circus. There's always the two at the top. Family Circus. I can't name a single cartoon. Really? Calvin and Hobbes. Name one character on Family Circus. I was a big Calvin and Hobbes guy. That was the one they would do like pissing on Red Sox logos.

Is that one of his kids, Jeffy? Who knows? I liked Family Circus, so. Shit was funny. Snuffy Smith. Cartoons were good. I liked cartoons. It's a shame they're pretty much gone. Newspapers don't really exist. I mean, memes are cartoons, no? Yeah, what's his name?

What's the frog? Pepe? Pepe? That's your favorite, right? You have a Pepe tattoo. Feels good, man. You have a Pepe tattoo, don't you? No.

The one where Pepe's house is on fire and it says I'm fine. Are we all untattooed? I want one. We should do a tattoo roulette one day. I want one right here. I think I'm going to get one here and here. Are you a tattooed man?

I have a few. They're not visible, though, when I'm wearing clothes. Let's see one of them. Take your shirt off. No. Please. I want to ask a question. I'm not trying to be sarcastic at all.

What is the point of a non-visible tattoo? Business. I like getting them, but I don't want my mom to. My mom knows I have them, but she doesn't see. Let me just see a peek. Oh, OK. What's that? That was a swastika.

That was a swastika. How much money if I give you $50 million? No. No money? Keep going. I was just going to ask $50 million for you to do stand-up for me. No. Fuck.

All right. Okay. Guess not. I would get a – I guess I would do a swastika if I could get it removed. Was that – would that not be allowed though? Yeah, no. What's the entry point of the dollars? No. You don't have a billion dollars. What if I could get it removed. Was that not allowed though? Yeah, no. You don't have a billion dollars. What if I did?

I know how much. Dan, I would get a swastika for a billion dollars. Brandon, you already have one. I said a million. What's the lowest you would do it for? I don't think I'd get one. It'd be funny to get one and then just with an X over it. Yeah, that's true. You could do that.

I've changed. If it's a non-visible tattoo? I mean... I feel like you'd still... Five million dollars? Something's wrong about that. That's some pretty life-changing money right there. A lot is wrong about it.

Some life-changing money. Yeah, that's some heavy shit. Or a swastika and then just are not wrong about it. Some life-changing money. Yeah, that's some heavy shit. Or a swastika and then just are not cool under it. Or just a long explanation. I got this because it changed my family's life. Joke. JK. Rolling.

All right. Call it. Oh, nice cool yawn there, Sass. I was paying a million dollars or a billion dollars to get this. That could work. I'm not a Nazi, but $20 is $20. Do you think yawning is cool? Yeah, definitely.

I was yawning on my set last night, and everyone was like, holy fuck. Both of them. He doesn't even care. I was like, damn, I'm tired. You just handed me that yawn. This kid's so fucking cool. He doesn't care.

He yawns. All right, that's our show. We'll see everyone tomorrow. You won't. We'll see you next time. Thank you.