The Yak - The Yak Investigation Report: The Phantom Pooper | The Yak-5-3-22

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

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Hey Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a serial pooper. It's a mystery unfolding. And tonight, authorities are hoping surveillance footage will help squeeze out a culprit. There is a strange new type of criminal on the rise. And I am talking right now about serial poopers. And if the people doing this are caught, they could face a crime. Public and DTC, maybe even vandalism charges. Oh my God. Okay, welcome in.

It's the, uh, can we actually do the song? It doesn't feel right. It's gotta have the song, huh? Yeah, we welcome in. It's the act. Can we actually do the song? It doesn't feel right. It's got to have the song. Yeah, we got to have the song a little bit. Good song. We have to. All right, there we go.

We have everyone from yesterday here. Jerry. Jerry's shaved legs. Very shaved. What's up with the shaved legs dude? Scared of hair You're scared of hair? Have a beard On your face

Have a beard on your You shave your arms and chest? It's terrifying What the fuck? Those are some clean legs Yeah that's this You shaved them this morning Yeah

No Those are some clean legs I shaved them maybe like Four days ago Five days ago What about your What about your balls? You wax them?

No. They're shining. They make you shave them if you're going to get taped in sports, Seth. Really? I don't know if you knew that. I know swimmers. Rico's here. Look at my calf.

All two. Brandon's here. Roan's here. Seth's here. Where is Stephen Che? I think he said he was going to be out today and tomorrow. Or yesterday and today That's suspect

That shit does not make sense That's suspect Suspect Get a cap cam So if you are tuning in for the first time The Yak Make sure you subscribe Please

Subscribe Subscribe How do we want to start this? I mean it's a big episode I'm going to dive right in Should we recap how we got to this point and what we're about to share? Actually, I have the recap in the PowerPoint. Just go right to your PowerPoint.

Yeah, so I have spent last night. Not less hours. I didn't go to sleep until 2 a.m. I was basically dumping my brain and the investigation I did into a computer. While watching, what's wrong? He just keeps laughing. At any point last night, did Lady Cat go for a midnight snack and walk past and you're deep in a PowerPoint? No, I was sweating out the Mavs.

You don't work in accounting. Why are you doing a PowerPoint? While dumping my brain into an email. I didn't do the PowerPoint. I'm not technically savvy. Shout out Quigs. He did not sleep last night. I basically gave him the podcast. I'm not technically savvy. Shout out Quigs. He did not sleep last night. I basically gave him all my information.

He put it together. I did interviews. I did investigations. I spoke to Dave. I spoke to Hank, my other boss. So all the higher-ups know about this? All the higher-ups know. So do you know the...

Yeah, no, I do. Oh, wow. My favorite part about this. Oh, no, because I had to... I don't know if you do. No, we had to... Okay, well, there's... You know the...

You never watch the turd come out of anybody's ass. Hey, I don't know. I don't know. I don't have the exact, you know, this is exactly who did it. But we reached a point where we were talking on the chain and everyone was like hey this could ruin a life and I was like you know what I'm going to talk to Dave I'm going to make sure it's okay all these things so I had talked to him

I got some information from TJ then I started digging and I figured this was the best way to do it so you guys don't know what I'm going to present I have done all my investigations I have all the evidence and then you guys can decide off of that and the audience that's crazy that you had to go to dave and be like permission to dig on this shit well he was

poop on this toilet he was stunned he was disgusted but he also was like yeah there's obviously an element here where if we just have someone come on and we like ruin their life um but i feel confident in ruining someone's life today. Really? Yeah, I feel like we should. I'm not very excited about ruining somebody's life. We're not going to ruin someone's life. We won't. We won't.

It'll be okay. What do you mean we're not going to ruin their life? It'll be fine. You're saying that people can't. Brendan loves to ruin lives. I think everybody has a different ability to withstand a shit allegation. Here's what I'll say. The person who is most implicated in this.

Is in this room. I have done an investigation on this person. I have talked to this person on and off the record. This person is willing to come on the show and plead their case. So there's no surprise on, like, we're not going to say a name, and then the person is going to be, like, showing up and, like, what the fuck? I don't know what's going on. The person has been told that they are the prime suspect. And they're in the office?

They are not currently in the office. I just saw someone else. We have them calling in. Yeah, I saw someone, like, hightailing it out of here. I feel like at the beginning of this show, like people are scattering, running for the hills, being like, I don't even want to have to answer the allegations because there's cloudiness.

It's a true whodunit in that there's multiple people that could, you know. I had people hounding me for the information last night. It's a buzz on all sides of the office. People are like, you know who it was? And I don't. There's a couple females locked themselves in the conference room. Interesting. Was Brandon bugging you?

No, I called. I'll be honest. You did? Yeah. Oh, wow. It's fucking fascinating. You're fucking paranoid over here. No, this is. I'm paranoid. It's fascinating, and he cut a great trailer. I want to see the You did? Yeah. Oh, wow. You're fucking paranoid over here. No, this is-

I'm not paranoid. It's fascinating, and he cut a great trailer. I want to see the end of the movie. I mean, this is late-breaking news that you are definitely a suspect if you're calling. I wanted to see the end of the movie. You're meddling with police work, official police business done by me and TJ and Quigs. I wanted to see the end of the movie. I didn't message or call.

You're a movie ruiner. I'm a movie ruiner. All right. Let's do it. Without further ado, should we actually spin the wheel first just to make sure? Yes, yes, yes. Get out of the movie. I didn't message or call. You're a movie ruiner. I'm a movie ruiner. Alright. Let's do it. Without further ado, should we actually spin the wheel first just to make sure? Yes, yes, yes. Get out of the way. Get out of the way. If it's wet, we're in trouble. If we wedgie, we're in trouble. If it's food, I want mine to

be poke bowls. Wedgie, I think we're waiting for Nick, aren't we? The wedgie? No, the wedgie can happen but the swirly, we're waiting for Nick. Spin the wheel and then let's get into the report. Please subscribe if you haven't. Oh, that's fucking good. Oh, good.

Okay, yeah. Well, we need to tell them. No, it's going to be dry. Oh, it is dry. All right. Dry day. Dry day. It's dry day.

All right, TJ, without further ado. I'm nervous. Why are you nervous? I'm not even a suspect. I will take questions throughout. Jerry, can you close the door all the way? Yep. Some ambient noise.

You being nervous makes me question you. No, it just makes me be like, why would you be nervous? I know that I didn't go to the bathroom yesterday, but I'm still nervous. It seems like you're nervous. That's good. Because I said I was nervous. I will take questions during the presentation. All right.

There can be commentary. I will walk everyone through it. TJ, let's start. Let's go. This is big. So glad we're dry. Maybe some dramatic music. I don't know.

Yeah. Okay. This is the Yak Report, commissioned by Big Cat in conjunction with Barstool Yak, presented by Dude Wipes. The Dude Wipes sponsorship, shout out to sales team. Someone came up to me an hour ago, and they're like, hey, we saw the poop incident. Can Dude Wipes sponsor? I was like, yes.

Makes sense. Yeah, perfect. I don't know if we should have this. Should we have this music the whole time? It's a film noir. You don't need to. Let's see how it feels. I like it.

All right, first slide peaceful the crime on monday may 2nd 2022 big cat myself entered the big bathroom wet wheel bathroom soon to be swirly bathroom and notice human feces on the left that's from my perspective. Okay, so as you walk in. As I walk in on the left side, so if you're sitting, it is actually your right side toilet seat. There was a feces on the toilet seat. Do you guys all wipe with your right hand? Let me screenshot this.

Yes, I do. Yeah, I wipe with my right hand too, which would make the right hand the more predominant side that the turd would land on. We might be able to eliminate all left-handed. The righty. That's actually interesting.

Yeah, just a right-handed wiper does, would, you know, it would land on the right. So lefties, you know, but I don't even know who's a lefty in here. I'm going to have to go ahead and point out, I think they would also have to be a back-to-front wiper. Because it was on the top, the shit was on the right. A back-to-front, oh, interesting. The front right side of the toilet. What are you? to front wiper because it was on the top the the shit was on the right a back to front oh interesting front right side of the toilet what are you i don't know you're right i don't think a front to back guy could do that it would be on the back of the toilet magic bullet kind of thing standing wiper i'm a back to standing wiper also could factor in here and that's wherein lies the

rub okay next slide are we gonna watch the video or is there no oh yeah there it goes Could factor in here. And that's wherein lies the rub. Okay. Next slide. Are we going to watch the video? Or is there no... Oh, yeah. There it goes. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is me finding it. Okay. The door never really closes.

And then I say... See my face? Watch it one more time. Can we watch it again just to make sure? And there's no manipulation of the time. There's no point where the door closes. He couldn't have gone in there and edited. Yeah, he can't have edited the video.

All this security footage has live timestamps. It has live timestamps. We also will get to... That's at 1251. 1251. That was right before the... This was fresh. Disgust in my face.

Next slide, please. It was French. Disgust in my face. Next slide, please. It was French. The response. Upon viewing the human feces, Big Cat heroically, again, this is an unbiased report, heroically choked back, puked, and yelped out loud, What the fuck? It was at this time, Ebony sitting at the front desk proclaimed, Is there poop on the toilet?

This all happened, Ebony went and looked. Wait, wait, wait, so how did she know? How did she know? If you didn't say anything, that there was poop on the toilet? This all happened, Ebony went and looked. Wait, wait, wait. So how did she know? How did she know? If you didn't say anything, that there is poop on the toilet. There's a... In fact, she works with a bunch of animals. That kind of... There's actually security footage right before my...

Finding out the poop? There's security footage right before my finding of the poop that shows Spider finding it as well. I interviewed Ebony. I didn't think this was important to the case, but I'll absolutely give background for everyone. I interviewed Ebony. She said Spider alerted her first, but Spider fucks around a lot. So she didn't know if Spider was joking or not. And then when I went in, she was like, oh, they're actually poop.

He does fuck around a lot. Yeah. He is right there. Spider walking around right now. Spider was the first person to notice it and alert someone. Spider is the boy who cried poop. He was not a little cliffhanger. He was not the first person to notice it.

Oh. Oh. Find that out later. All right. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. There's a lot of who smelt it, dealt it going on, which potentially like it's hard to eliminate spider.

Big cat. It's hard to eliminate you. Yeah. No, we are all suspects. We'll get to that. Okay. Next slide. The question was answered in the affirmative and plans were made to clean said feces.

What the fuck? There's poop in the toilet. Alright, so this is for everyone at home. Warning, some images in this report are disgusting by nature. Women and children, please do not look at this. Squeamish men, even squeamish men. Squeamish men, dogs, children, cats, turtles. Only if you have a very tough snake should you show them this video.

Definitely no priest. Germans should watch. All Germans. Germans should watch. All Germans. To a tone. Germans, this is basically porn for you. Germans love shit porn. Yeah, they do.

Love it. Okay. Exhibit A. Ah, unedited. Untouched, unedited. So gross. untouched, unedited so gross is a string poop on the right side of the toilet if you're sitting down

left side it for 100% oh it's so much bigger than I remember it being should we analyze the shape of it because the shape of it is uh

stringy it's grossing me out today for some reason yesterday it didn't gross me out the person could have been moving when it happened

I actually believe. They were definitely moving. I recreated it in a simulation run 10,000 times last night. And 9,998 of them, the person was moving. So they have shit on their ass as well. But it could have also been like a Hershey's squirt. Could have fallen out. A standing fart perhaps., where they were.

It had to be on the way up, because if they had sat on it on the way down, it would have been smeared. There is a bit of a smear to it. There is a smear. A little bit of a smear to it. It would be a huge smear if somebody sat on it. It didn't lay like that. It was moved around a bit. I have many working theories on this.

One of my working theories is that we'll get to a prime suspect, but one of my working theories is the culprit, the real culprit, maybe didn't even know that this took place. I agree with that. Oh, yeah, 100%. That's why no one came forward? I would like to think that, at least. Possibly.

But then again, you have to ask the questions of washing your hands, like you're still in eyesight, whatever. All right, here we go. Next slide. That's Exhibit A. Oh, God. Oh, God. Jesus.

Forgot I had Enhanced Exhibit A. Gross. Is that red? Yeah, there's a little sun-dried tomato. It looks like, you know what it looks like? It might be a period clump. It looks like. Jesus Christ.

Jerry. That might be a period clump. Oh, that is so gross. Stop saying it. Don't say those words. I will say, Gary brings up a fair point. It's a period clump.

So gross. This investigation is slightly misogynistic in nature because it's definitely more men I investigated than women. Yep. There were women investigated, though. Because it's definitely more men I investigated than women. There were women investigated though. Because it's the gross animals. Women will be horrified whether that's right or wrong to say. Everyone retweet

the stream. More palatable. For a man to... Okay. How's everyone feeling right now? Not great. It's tough. Look. It's bad. That's the hardest part of this whole slideshow. I'll tell you right now, we've gotten through the most difficult portion.

Let's actually go to the next slide. I think I put in a, it's not a moosh boosh. What's after? Pallet cleanser? Oh, there we go. There's some titties to erase what we all just saw on the previous slide. That's really nice. Oh, thank you.

It's nice. Really nice. you. It's nice, right? Really nice. That works. Is that Upton? Look at everything that just happened. Just looking at some titties. Is that Upton 2012? Prime titties right there. This is how police reports should be.

Oh, yeah. That's probably what they, I mean, it's got to be what they do. A detective pours over some shit, Commissioner Gordon, and then he has to palate cleanse by getting motorboated. I'd be more excited about jury duty if that happened in the courtroom. Anything, really. Just ran titties out there every now and then. Mental palate cleanse.

Periodically. Put the titties up there again. One more time with the titties. Look at the followers go up. Yeah, we got a lot of subscribers from the titties. We got a thumbnail right there, boys. Poop investigation, and it's just two jugs. Yeah. Here are some, boys. Poop investigation. It's just two jugs.

Yeah. Here are some titties. Nice. They're really nice. Okay. Any questions so far? No. All right.

Next slide, TJ. Toilet etiquette. I just wanted to, knowing that this is a full investigation, I wanted to get some ground rules so that we all know what went wrong, what the crime was, because, you know, cultural differences. Some countries, they don't even have a sitting toilet. Some you kind of have to squat over a hole. Some things have different things. Exactly. So this is a toilet etiquette, as I am deeming it for this office and what we all adhere to.

Go ahead. Let's go through them. Toilet etiquette. Excuse yourself to use the bathroom. Rule one. You have to tell everyone. Yeah, like, hey, I'm going to use the bathroom. Two, close the door.

Very important. All right. Three, wipe front to back. That's your opinion. Yeah, no, I agree. Four, courtesy flush. Yes, always. Not a courtesy flush.

At what time do you courtesy flush, though? As soon as the turd hits water? As soon as it's in the water. Yeah. Unless you have a... Get the turd out of the room. Yeah. I disagree with that.

As soon as it exits your ass, I would say. I don't want to put myself in any spot where you can get some splash. Oh, I like to time it where it's literally like as it releases my ass, it goes through. Oh, really? No, not actually. Oh, where it never stops in the toilet. Not actually. It's one fluid motion.

I don't courtesy flush that often. I courtesy flush. Oh, so you've broken one it never stops in the toilet. Not actually. It's one fluid motion. I don't courtesy flush that often. I courtesy flush. Oh, so you've broken one of these rules. I have. Okay. I'm not a courtesy flusher. Let me ask you a question. What other rules have you broken on this list?

I've never seen him excuse himself. Huh. None. Okay. We'll be the judge of that, Sass. All right, next. Because usually when he goes to the bathroom, he'll just get up in the middle of the show and go without excusing himself.

Five, wipe again. Very important. First wipe never does it. Until it's clean, really. Until the toilet paper's clean. Six, don't be a fucking weirdo like Stephen Che who stands when he wipes and walks around every day with poop in his butt. Yeah, he closes it.

People do forget that Stephen Che just has constant poop in his butt. He's the best in the world at that. Yeah, he just... If you smelled his that Stephen Chay just has constant poop in his butt. Best in the world at that. Yeah, he just... If you smelled his butt at any time, there'd be poop. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I'm serious, Jerry. All right? All right, number seven. Hang in there, Jerry.

Number seven, flush the toilet. Maybe even twice. Two flushes and two wipes? Yeah, there's two flushes and two wipes. This is just common courtesy etiquette. This building has a lot of problems, but the flush in this building is strong. Strong flow. The flush rips everything down there like a riptide, like a current, an undertow.

It cleans that out. Number eight. Wash your hands with soap and water. Very important. Very important. Oh, well, we have ourselves a suspect here. Oh. What did you do yesterday

when we were in the bathroom together? Peeing, I do not wash my hands with soap and water. This is purely for number twos. Guilty as charged. If you pee, if you wash your hands after you pee, you're actually weird. Yeah, you're a fucking lib. Yeah.

Something is wrong with you. Yeah, you're probably pumped to vote for Biden Something is wrong with you. Yeah, you're probably pumped to vote for Biden again. I didn't vote for him. I don't know, Jerry. I don't know. You said you're washing your hands. I heard. I heard. I heard. I heard. Fuck him.

Next. Next. Next. Nine. Spray some air freshener. Come on. And you have it. Next. Next. Nine, spray some air freshener. Oh, come on. And you have it. Ten, before you leave the bathroom, make sure you didn't leave any of your poop on the toilet seat. Ah.

Got it. Maybe the most important one on the whole list. Very important piece. We'll see that on posters, Dan. Yep. You included that. That's very important. We should make a poster and put it in there.

Yeah, we should. Make sure there's no shit on the toilet. Yeah, so this is just common courtesy etiquette. You should have to fill out a checklist and kind of sign your name next to it like a bathroom attendant. Like, I just did everything on the checklist. How about this, Rowan? We put up that poster. Everything we sell goes to the poor lady who had to clean it up.

Yes, that's fair because she has gone through an injustice. Yes, very much so. All right, next slide. Not really necessary. Leave the bathroom. No, that is. I don't know. 11 shouldn't count.

It was only supposed to be 10. That's fine. I forgot to look over it one last time. Then the next slides don't make sense, but just pretend there's no 11. All right, next slides. There you go. That's actually to visually show you

what the person, the suspect, did. They completed 9 out of 10 tasks. Again, forget 11 exists. 9 out of 10 tasks they completed. They did complete 11 as well. You leave the bathroom. But 9 out of 10 they did. We also don't know which way they wiped.

But for the most part. I don't know if they washed their hands. Let's assume you give them nine out of ten. That's the best case scenario. I'm going to go ahead and say they probably didn't wash their hands if they were cool just leaving the shit on the toilet. I disagree. I completely disagree. I think that you might have, unbeknownst, left the shit on the toilet and then washed your hands as if nothing had happened.

That doesn't make sense in this case. The sink is right beside the toilet. If you're washing your hands, your eye is going to peripherally catch the poop. Very bright bathroom. That's not true. It's a white your hands, your eye is going to peripherally catch the poop. Very bright bathroom. That's not true. It's a white toilet with brown poop on it. Your eye will catch it. I would have done that, Dan.

You did a good job surveying. I always say, take a survey. Yeah. Take one last glance of like, hey, is there- You don't leave your phone. Stock. Take stock. Yeah.

Yeah. A little dribble of pee-pee, some floating toilet paper. It's a quick recheck of your whole system. You don't want to leave afterwards in the bathroom. Yes, that's fair. Okay, next. All right. Things that make you elite if you go 9 for 10.

So this person went 9 for 10. I'm trying to actually, part of my investigation is it's not going to be all negative. There's going to be some positives here. This person went 9 for 10. I'm trying to actually, part of my investigation is it's not going to be all negative. There's going to be some positives here. This person went 9 for 10 in the toilet. These are the things that you'd be great at if you were 9 for 10. That's true. Baseball. If you bat 900, it would put you 534 batting points above the MLB career leader in batting average, Ty Cobb.

Bad guy. Wow. Well, again, that's your opinion. You're throwing a lot of opinions here. But they did a pretty good job. They did a pretty good job, then, you're saying. Yeah, pretty good job. Pretty good job when you're talking baseball terms.

He touched on that in Field of Dreams. They hated him so much he wasn't allowed back. He told the son of a bitch to stick it. That's a great line. All right, next. Next. School. A 90% on test is most commonly referred to as an A-,

something all college graduates on the Yak, Stephen, Zah, TJ, Roan, Big Cat, Brandon, Nick, KB, and Owen would be very proud of. Well. Oh. Hey, Sass, are you not a – No. Sorry. I didn't graduate high school either.

Neither did Kobe. It's true. LeBron. Yeah. Trevor Garnett. Steve Jobs. I mean, I don Neither did Kobe. It's true. LeBron. Yeah. Trevor Garnett. Steve Jobs. I mean, I don't even know. He's dropped out, no?

Bill Gates? I think Bill Gates dropped out. Zuckerberg? I don't even know. I know Zuckerberg dropped out sophomore year. Musk? Don't know. A lot of strippers don't finish high school.

Yeah, it's true. So, yeah, you could be a stripper. That's a lot. That'd be good. Oh! Who's that? Lara. Lara. Oh, she's the one. Can you tell? a Lara. That'd be good. Oh! Lara. Lara.

Oh, she's the one. Can you tell? You've told me this before, but say it again. Is she every last? Oh, she basically. Uh-oh. What? She took a lot of money.

Spent a lot of money on her, then she moved. She went back to Brazil. Lara. She remade some unwise investments. She graduated. That's fine. You got to graduate sometime. Cardi B, too. Yeah. Jerry made some unwise investments she graduated that's fine you gotta graduate sometime

Cardi B too yeah I got a lap dance from Cardi B how much did you that didn't happen in fact

yes it is really Patterson wow how much money did you spend on that did she drug you

no that was like her thing no no that's in the movie no Cardi B used to do that she said she did it yeah she used to drug dudes and then like steal their money oh cause she's in the movie. No, Cardi B used to do that. She said she did it. Yeah, she used to drug dudes and then steal their money. Oh, because she was in the movie.

How would he know? Hold on, which one was in the movie? J-Lo and Cardi B. It was Cardi B? Because they have another one that was famous, just like, oh, Nicki Minaj. Oh, yeah, maybe, yeah. Was it Nicki Minaj? I can't remember.

I think it was Cardi B. That's right, yeah. How much money did you spend on Lauda? She never really charged me for dances. Well, you took her out. You're just giving her money out of pocket? A few phone bills. I mean, free dance?

She just bounced. She went back and she got her surgery here and then she went back. Oh, nice. How about people go overseas for surgeries? For her. Better surgery here, I guess. Probably. All right, next slide.

Our next bullet point. Basketball. Shooting 90% from the field in basketball would make you 22.69 percentage points above the NBA career leader in field goal percentage. DeAndre Jordan. Yes. Which is weird that he's the lead, sorry, the leader in career field goal percentage. Because he stinks.

He's the worst basketball player. That was an interesting name to bring up. DeAndre Jordan is, yeah, that's funny that he came up after he ruined my fucking night last night. I didn't play that bad, right? that's funny that he came up after he ruined my fucking night last night. I didn't play that bad, right? He sucked. Was he minus 22? I believe he was literally the worst player ever in the history of playoff basketball.

Yeah, it did feel like that. Like six four guys were getting offensive rebounds over him almost consistently, as if he wasn't a seven foot three behemoth. It's tough. Yeah, I know. I guess if it wasn't a 7'3 behemoth. It's tough. Yeah, I know. I guess if it's just a 9 for 10 thing. It's simply the math. It's stats, so I can't necessarily get that mad about that coincidence of him popping up right there.

It's simply the math. It seems like some of these stats are taking shots at people in the room. Oh, not at all. All right, next slide. Not at all. Fun fact. DeAndre Jordan is vegetarian. What the fuck?

Vegetarians oftentimes struggle with constipation because the bacteria lives in your guts. Simply cannot break down the amount of fibers we throw at it when we begin eating more plant-based foods, thus causing our systems to back up. DeAndre Jordan is cleared on the case of the poop. Most likely did not do it. Okay, I guess this is just stats, but I feel like that's just completely unfair. Well, we have to rule people out here. Bring up DeAndre Jordan when I'm like, he's like the last person I want to fucking think about right now in the entire universe. I got someone worse than DeAndre Jordan.

Let's go to the next slide. I guess it's just a fun fact that DeAndre Jordan is clear. What are you looking at? It's clear. Famous vegetarians in history. Hitler. Oh, Jesus Christ. I guess that's worse, yeah.

And? Oh, yes. Oh, fuck. Next. Oh, I forgot that. All business, Pete. I forgot that pizza veg. Those two most famous vegetarians, Hitler and all business Pete, oftentimes go together.

Should that be the thumbnail? The resemblance. Yeah, that should be the thumbnail. With some titties in between them? Or maybe each of their faces on a titty or something like that? Interesting. Is it like a pasty or something? I don't know.

I'm spitballing right now. Again, I'm just giving background for the- They don't look hot. If you stare at their faces, they don't look all that dissimilar. No, they don't look all that dissimilar. Agreed. If you FaceBlend them, they are the same guy, except for Pete just has a little bit more hooded eyes from staring at a screen for 25 hours a day.

Owned dictators. Pete did talk to me like a child two times. Two times. Really? Two times. Your strikes are out. Better be careful. Okay, next.

Things that you would fail at if you go 90%. So now we're establishing. We're about to get to the suspects, but it's just establishing the basis. Things that you would fail at if you go 90%. Go ahead, TJ. Heart surgeon. If you save 9 out of 10 people, that's a bad job. Really?

Yeah. Is it definitely? Oh, I think so, dude. Well, now wait. There's probably some risky heart surgeries that don't have a 90%. There's like 10% chance of surviving. But if you, the heart surgeon, fail? I think most heart surgeries are generally pretty safe.

Yeah. Nowadays. But there's definitely some that are risky. Yeah, but they'll only take one. They're not looking to load up on risky, risky, risky. They got to get their percentage up. Yeah, you got to get your percentage up. I'm fairly confident saying that if you're 90% at heart surgery, you're bad.

All right, next. I will agree with that as well. Skydiving. We can agree on that. I agree with that. Nine out of ten, successful skydives would be a bad percentage. That's best. Next, Russian roulette.

That would be bad. Nine out of ten times, you don't shoot yourself in the head. That means you've got nine good ones, though. Yeah, I would say Russian roulette, 90% accuracy is pretty good. Okay. Six in a chamber. Yeah. Okay.

But you would fail if you have the tenth one. That's the ultimate failure. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, it would suck, but it's pretty good odds. Be dead. Do it nine times. You are still a failure.

You're right. Okay. You're still a failure. You're right. Okay. Still a failure. Pooping in the office without leaving a poop sitting on the toilet for your coworkers to see. You can all agree there. And it's the lobby toilet. It's the lobby toilet. Right. It's the main toilet. It's the spotlight toilet. It is our shiny

example of a toilet. I mean, Dave uses that toilet. Yeah, this is our number one toilet. Portnoy uses that toilet. Primetime toilet. I've never seen him go to the bathroom. Oh, he Dave uses that toilet. Yeah, this is our number one toilet. Portnoy uses that toilet. Primetime toilet. I've never seen him go to the bathroom. Oh, he goes to that toilet? If this happens upstairs in one of those, we might not ever hear about it. Even down here in some of the toilets

down here. It already happened upstairs. Who knows? When you need to talk to him, you usually only get that little runway. That couple steps. Once he gets to that, he can't be chasing him. He hits the edge. I only get your elevator pitch. Yeah.

You need just a couple words. That is very true. Throw the words at him. That's how I work it out. Okay, next slide. Investigation process. After the poop on the toilet was revealed on the Yak Live 1 to 2 every weekday, please subscribe.

Security footage was attained and analyzed by forensic expert T.J. Hitchings, son of loser Tim. I have a question about this. Did we just coronated, we just decided on T.J. as the expert? He's the only guy willing to do it? He's the only guy willing to watch all the footage. Oh, that makes him the expert. Yeah, that's an expert. All right, next slide.

Power through these. And as a payback for having to do your show, he gets to enjoy the- I'll kick you in the shin. All right, so this is the following is the detailed findings. Okay, so here we go. All right. This is the meat potatoes. Let's go.

Establishing a time frame. This is important. A timeline was established between Little Sasquatch's, he did not graduate college, morning poop at around 9.15 a.m., and Big Cat's finding of the feces. See slide, I think it was slide two. It was determined that the pooper

had to have done the crime in that time frame as long as we believe Little Sasquatch. Unfortunately, the report is unbiased, so I can neither confirm or deny Little Sasquatch innocence. It could have been in there all day. He's the one who's like, oh yeah, I took a shit early this morning. He could have done it. He's our first shitter.

He's our first suspect. But he also established a baseline of clean bathroom. Purportedly. Allegedly. Yes. I was also very honest. I came forward instantly. I'd like to go on the record. I do not believe Sas is the shitter. Okay, well, let's just keep going then. A lot of people watching. A lot of people watching.

Translation, he could be guilty. There's your time frame. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. What the fuck? Oh.

What the fuck is that? I didn't even go to the bathroom yesterday. There's your time frame. Oh. There's your time frame. Okay, there's your time frame. Fine. I think we need to go to the bathroom yesterday. Here's your time frame. Here's your time frame. Okay, there's your time frame. Fine. I think we need to go to the next slide.

Next slide. Wait, where am I in the bathroom? 9.15 a.m. No, I wasn't in the bathroom at 9.15. I was in or around. You said 9.15. Yeah, I would say that. Yeah, okay.

All right. That's when we started it. You said it. Mixing up stories now. Oh, this is interesting. I'm not sure when the story changes. It would be guilty. Why is it changing? I'm not guilty. Oh, this is interesting. Funny when the story changes. Could be guilty. Why is it changing?

I'm not guilty. I'm not mixing up the stories. The notepads was around 9-15. Okay, next slide. All right. Person of interest. Not a suspect. Brandon Walker.

Not exonerated. That's fair fine print. So why am I a person of interest if I'm not a suspect? I didn't go to that bathroom yesterday. Everyone is a person of interest. So why is my suspect? I didn't go to that bathroom yesterday. Everyone is a person of interest. Why is my picture up there? Why is Jerry's picture up there? Well, let's keep going with the slides, you dummy.

It only says person. It doesn't say... Okay. Continue. You said you were nervous, first of all, Brandon. I'm nervous. Yeah, well, here's evidence against Brandon. Let's play it.

Let's go. Fat. Poop. This subscriber... Poops a this subscriber poops a lot twice a day twice a day Brandon was the only person to protest my investigation this is a direct quote on the yak group chat last night I will let the people watching at home decide what to make of this okay well I'm gonna throw a wild idea out there maybe it's wow we just let it go i don't think i even saw that and then walker said that last night he was i i'm why do you want to let it go i'm scared we're gonna ruin somebody's life maybe your life my

life i'm fine my life's fine i i i'm just scared we're gonna ruin somebody's life is it fine is it that sounds very suspect to me when you are trying to squash the investigation as it gets Squash it like a turd on this toilet seat. He was trying to drop it like a deuce on the toilet seat. You know that I'm not a suspect. Why are you doing that? Oh, no. You're a person of interest.

I'm not a suspect. It clearly says that. You're a person of interest. Person of interest, not a suspect. Everyone is a person. Let me get the- He's just a modern day Oprah. He made his millions. He's trying to give back to the community. I took that picture in 2015 as a mugshot not a suspect. Everyone is a person. It's just a modern day Oprah. He made his millions.

He's trying to give back to the community. I took that picture in 2015 as a mugshot for a newspaper. It was never meant to be. I don't think that's what it's called. It's definitely not called a mugshot. It's definitely not called a mugshot. It's called a headshot. It's called a mugshot.

It's called a mugshot if you get arrested. It's called a mugshot in newspapers. It's called a mugshot. It's called a headshot. It's called a mugshot in newspapers. It's called a headshot. Is your mouth open or closed there? Did you work in newspapers 15 years? I also It's called a headshot. It's called a mugshot in newspapers. It's called a headshot. Is your mouth open or closed there? Did you work in newspapers 15 years?

I also know theater. Mugshot. I know it's headshot. It's a fucking mugshot. It's called an act. You're wrong. It's not a mugshot. It is a mugshot.

That's what we call it. Yes, that's what it's called. Who did acting? I had a theater degree from Penn State, dude. I mean, it's called a headshot. I was the editor of five newspapers. Brandon, but a mugshot is like, that's just like, you're just wrong.

I'm not wrong. That's what it's called in the midst of it. Give me that mugshot. I'll call somebody who's involved in community theater right now. Community theater's different. This is a newspaper setting. This is a newspaper term.

Three nut punches. Who are you trying to protect, Brandon? Nobody. I don't know. I just... Muddying the waters. Like you muddied that toilet seat. Ah, interesting. You want you trying to protect, Brandon? Nobody. I don't know. I just... Muddying the waters. Like you muddied that toilet seat. Ah, interesting.

You want me to call a newspaper guy? Who are you trying... No, I don't. This is not anything... Who are you trying to protect? I'm just scared of... Of the truth? Of...

You're scared of the truth coming out. I don't want to ruin somebody's life. Interesting. Why would your life get ruined by this? Stop calling a newspaper guy. Interesting. So just so the record shows, Brandon was the only one who tried to thwart my investigation.

That is true. I did do that. Okay, next slide. Coward. Person of interest, Jersey Jerry, a.k.a. Juan Damien Nebraska, a.k.a. J.D. Braska, a.k.a. Juan E.D.,

a.k.a. J. Damien, a.k.a. the Big Braska. Big Braska. I like Big Braska a little. Yeah, I like that. I also like J.D. Braska.k.a. Wani D, a.k.a. J. Damien, a.k.a. the Big Braska. Big Braska. I like Big Braska a little. Yeah, I like that. I like J.D. I also like J.D. Braska. Yeah.

Let's go to the next. J.D. Braska. Bill Braska. Swan Damien. 20 minutes before Big Cat revealed the poop incident, Jersey Jerry attempted to change his name to Juan Damien Nebraska. Oh, that's right. That's suspect.

That's accurate. That's suspect. That's accurate. Literally, we're trying to create an alias before the crime of the century was revealed. Because that's what you're supposed to do when you're going to go under a lie detector. You create another person who you are so you can, in your mind, tell the truth about that second character. So maybe we were going to lie detect, but we wound up not lie detecting. I'm actually, for somebody who has never taken a shit in this office,

I'm a little concerned. I'm nervous for myself. Yeah, everyone should be. You see some evidence like that. It's like, did I do this? And one of my cap holes weighed in. He's a member of SEG. He said it's a headshot.

It's a headshot. It's a headshot. It's not an acting term. It's different. If you're a model, it's a headshot. It's wrong. In newspapers, it's a headshot. It's wrong. In newspapers, it's a mugshot. Trust me.

You're wrong and on edge, which makes me think that you did it. Okay, next slide. Juan Damien, you were officially on there. Rico Bosco. Tax-free lifestyle. Oh, come on. You have that shirt? The only evidence I have against Rico is people say he doesn't pay taxes.

Got it. That is what people say. People say that a lot. People do say he doesn't pay taxes. Got it. That is what people say. People say that a lot. People do say that. That's true. Next slide. He got me. Ten years.

Big cat. I got to put myself on there. I am a fat person. That's honest. I poop a lot. You were in there. Fat. Found the poop.

I did find the poop. That's true. Never smelt it, dealt it. Poops a lot. Brandon's denying it, which makes you think you could have supplied it. Oh, wrong. What is that? Sweatshirt.

Wow. How'd you get that picture of me wearing that sweatshirt? I didn't know anyone knew I had that. Poop boy. What the fuck is that? Where's that from? Was that a candid? Buy poop boy merch, by the way, on the Son of a Boy Dad channel.

That's also devastating to see because I did not want that picture getting out. And I could see when you see that picture of how... Yeah, it looks like you pooped. Yeah, the face even that I'm making and the fact that I'm around bananas, which are poop-shaped and also make you poop. I actually remember eating there and I remember having the worst shit after. All right, next. Current sweatshirts.

We got those hot dogs. Does that say flusher? Occasionally. Yeah, flusher. But I'm always a flusher. I'm a known flusher, though. Yeah? Which should exonerate me.

Actually, I just pissed and didn't flush, dude. Damn. All right, next. It was in a urinal, though. Nefarious in nature. Cute as hell. That's accurate.

Self-professed multiple poops a day guy. Roan does poop. Is he too cute? Just something to think about. Is Roan too cute? How can a man be as cute as that? And also, I mean, I do enjoy a prank.

I do enjoy some kind of joke. Nefarious in nature. I'm disgusted by it. Cute people can get away with shit. Touch a poop on my hand would disgust me. Nefarious in nature, though, is definitely what I would describe Roan as. And it wouldn't be your first time pulling a prank in and around the toilet. Especially around his seat.

Yeah. Okay, next slide. So that's a strong case against me, too. I'm not going to deny it, which would make people think I supplied it. All right, let's get Stephen Che. 12th best mock drafter in the world. That's a fact for him. Congratulations.

Feeling full of himself after finishing top 15 in mock drafts this year. Also, football guys are known to poop their pants. Please see Joe Pa. Oh, this is damn good. Here's a video of Joe Pa when he pooped his pants. He had all he had to do was play pitch and catch. He got outside the pocket. Running from his own end zone. That's an extended. There goes Joe Pott he's running to the bathroom

there's poop in his pants right there he just goes past the putter he goes past the putter about to go cover up some secrets back there after halftime. Tell you what, Brad, if the players felt as sick as Coach Paterno was, maybe they would have longer runs today. Suffering from a bit of a flu bug.

He says he feels a little better, but I could just tell he's still kind of washed out. I said, Coach, what were you able to keep up on in the locker room? He's like, well, I know we missed a field goal, and then we made it. And that's all that matters. Yep, he pooped. Let's get him. I suppose pooped again. Your papa pooped. 30 years of guilt just eating your intestines.

This guy off the screen, Dan. Pooping everywhere. This guy off the screen. All right, next slide. Now we're really getting into it. Next slide. Oh, this never would have happened with Dude Wipes. That's a fact.

Thank you to Dude Wipes. Bye, Dude Wipes. Incredible. Need some for the house. Got two bidets at home. You? They sent me two bidets, yeah. Dude Wipes?

The best. Oh, the best. Make their love a bidet. Well, hit up Dude Wipes. Okay, next slide. I don't fit. Suspects, here we go. This is the good stuff.

Happen next to it? I need one, yeah. Once the timeline was established, a list of suspects was compiled based on security footage of the bathroom door. Wow. Suspects are. I have redacted almost all the suspects' names to protect innocent people involved.

No, we'll get to it. We reveal. Don't worry. Little Sasquatch is suspect three. And also, I think you can kind of look at the length of the names and figure out who. I know. What's six? Six is short.

And seven's got a long-ass name. Wait, are these government names? Government names. Government names. What? Short-ass six. Short-ass six. You could be seven, buddy.

Okay, next slide. Biz is a short name. Who else has a short-ass name? Here's the most important part. It could be seven, buddy. Okay, next slide. Biz is a short name. Who else has a short-ass name? Here's the most important part. This is a timeline of the security footage. This is basically the entire investigation culminates here. We can analyze it and we can go through it. So the morning, subject one goes in the bathroom, comes out waving arms.

That is subject one. Subject one goes back into the bathroom again. Same subject. Yes, that is the same subject. Francis? He's got his shirt on. I think he's showing us his shirt. Showing us the shirt and the poster. Oh, wow. Yes. It's beautiful. The many faces

of Frank. That is great. On draft night. Yes. Love it. Love it, Frank. Love it, Frank. What's on the shirt? The poster's cool. What's on the shirt? Oh, the same thing. Bye, bye, bye. Oh, would you look at that? Like that, Frank? I told him to make that. This is a great, perfect shirt.

Yeah. Buy it in the Barstool store now. You'll take down the Mona Lisa to hang a guitar. Yes. Love it, Frank. Thank you, Frank. Thank you, Frank. Thanks, Frank.

What went on my desk, Frank? I thought we were about to get a confession. There's a lot going on out there. What was going on there? I was coming in to confess. All right, next one. That's what it felt like. He was. You should create a Guess Who game with that.

Yeah, with all his shirts? With those boards. And that would be fucking sick. Oh, just like a literal board game with those faces. Yeah, that would be incredible. Just flipping the match in the faces. Is it an animal? You just cross them off. You think that was a coincidence that Frank just walked in?

Probably not. I don't know. The peak of the investigation? I wonder if he knows something, because he's been floating around the glass, kind of. A ring. A lot of people have been, though. Next. Is it out there? Alright, so we got subject one, timeline of just hovering. Okay. A lot of people have been, though. Next. This is out there.

All right, so we got subject one, timeline of security footage. Subject two, enters bathroom. Zah attempts to use bathroom, but it's still locked. Subject two, emergent 11-minute trip. 11 minutes. Jesus Christ. Wow, this is- On company time?

11 minutes. By the way, I know all these subjects' names. Maybe I'll reveal one or two if you guys want me to. Are you shaming 11 minutes? Are we going to see the pictures of them? We'll see the end, the last person. We'll see the person that I... How can I get to know the other suspects?

Well, I mean, these guys... There's a timeline of events. There's seven people that went in there. People's livelihoods are at stake. But you think someone who went in there at 10.30 left a poop and five people went in after him? Right. I guess that's true.

These people are completely cleared of any wrongdoing. It would be incredibly smeared by that point. Right. Exactly. Integrity of the poop wouldn't be what it was. Well, it browns after time. It doesn't keep that nice dark hue. That's animal.

I'll let you ask for me to reveal one subject's identity. I'll do it. All right. Next one. That was easy. Oh, spin a wheel maybe? Yeah, spin a wheel. Actually, I would definitely spin a wheel.

We'll spin a wheel and reveal one of the subjects. Subject three enters bathroom. This is just showing that people are going in and out of the bathroom throughout the morning. We keep going through this, TJ. Are we going to know what? Spin through this. If we do the wheel, are we going to know what number the subject was? Put all seven numbers on a wheel, and then whichever one it lands on gets revealed.

All we're finding out is that somebody went to the bathroom yesterday. We're showing the timeline of events to show that people are going in and out. If we say a subject's name, we're not really telling them. Keep going. All right, so you want a subject's name? I don't know. Damn, people in the bathroom for a while. Subject three is actually a little sad.

You say eight minutes is average. Eight minutes is average. You think that's a long time? I mean, S, people in the bathroom for a long time. Subject three is actually a little sass. You say eight minutes is average? Eight minutes is average. No, you think that's a long time? I mean, sass, you think that's a long time, eight minutes? I guess I was in there for seven minutes. Yeah, subject three was a little sass. All right, keep going. Quick shit to me.

Usually my shit's like one minute. Try to watch a film. Subject five enters the bathroom. Three minute trip. That's a piss. That's a piss. Three minute trip. That's a piss.

Now we're getting very close to the time of the crime. So can we put that Okay. Subject six enters the bathroom. 12.06 p.m. Subject six exits. Six minute trip.

Let's point out Pick Central is happening at this exact moment. You left Pick Central more than once yesterday? No. Subject 4 enters office and immediately goes to bathroom. Subject 4 exits bathroom. Four-minute trip, 12 minutes total. There's office, so they had left.

And they came back through the main door. What the fuck? We're just taking all this information. We're getting close to it. And I'm looking at the shapes of the square around them, the box around them. I'm trying to size up those boxes. All right, next one. Body armor getting a great deal here.

Subject seven enters the bathroom. Subject seven exits. That's our last- Three-minute trip. That's our last subject, correct? Oh, you'd think so. I thought it was seven. It's our last subject Three-minute trip. That's our last subject, correct? Oh, you'd think so. I thought it was seven. It's our last subject, but it's not our last one.

Subject five enters the bathroom again for a second time. Jesus Christ. Wow. Multiple, multiple. Subject five exits. Three-minute trip. Six minutes total. So back-to-back three-minute trips, Jerry.

And by your assertion earlier that a three-minute trip is a piss, I mean, are we saying that those are ruled out or are they ruled in? I'm starting to think it was a period clump and then... I really think it might be. So do we have that slide? Do we have the slide with all of the times, TJ? Quigg's made one of those where it's all

laid out together. I don't know what's the next slide. Yeah, hold on. We have a couple more before then. Okay. Alright, go's the next slide. Yeah, hold on. We have a couple more before then. Okay. All right, go to the next slide. Interesting. The timetable is fucking with me because the three-minute trips make me wonder if it's... Or you were...

You were... Rowan, you were so... Wait, go back for one second. Go back for one second. So this is actually really good. This is very important. 1239, the subject five exits the bathroom. Now go to the next one.

The next person to go in is Spider at 1247. That's an eight-minute gap with no one going in there. Spider immediately exits, tells security guard Dan something, exits office. I go in. I see it. We went through that. I talk to Ebony. Zah attempts to enter, backs off.

We've closed the time loop right now. Closed the time loop right close the time loop subject five was the last known user of the bathroom before it was discovered so it seems like we're circling subject five subject five feels like the suspect okay next door closed immediately spider goes out to the lobby says something's going on in the bathroom he points his thumb back he says hey this back here this back here, that's poop. Spider found it. Spider found it initially. Didn't really alert anyone.

I had to. Did he leave the office right after that, you said? Say something. Say something. Say something to somebody. I don't know. He left the office. He left the office.

That's interesting. He's a busy guy. But he never went in for a long enough period of time. Five minute passes. This is Dan. Yep, this is me. Okay, next one. Back to the start of the show.

Yep, back to the start. So we've closed all the time loops. We've done all the background. We're now at a point where we need to reveal who subject five is. Go to the next slide. And then subject three. We know it's trying to go again. Oh, subjects.

Yeah. Yep. Okay. Huh? Ebony. And then subject three, we know his ass tried to go again. Oh, subjects, yeah. He was already out of water at that time. Yep, okay. Hi, Ebony. Okay, so this is just a timeline of what happened afterwards. We all know this. I put this here to point out that subject five tried to go to the bathroom again. Oh, wait.

Wow. Okay, I did not realize that. Yeah, subject five, he walked over to the bathroom. So subject five has food poisoning. He came down a minute later, and then a half hour 5, he walked over to the bathroom. So Subject 5 has food poisoning. He came down a minute later, and then a half hour later, he walked up to the bathroom again, and it was so close. Okay, this is... I mean, Subject 5's looking quite guilty. Yeah, what do you guys...

Yeah, I mean, you can't really make a case for anybody else except for Subject 5 at this point. Yeah. Okay, keep going. If we're using the three minutes as a p trip not a poop trip i did i did i have a theory i know that subject five is very similar to an arsonist who watches the the building burn from across the street what if subject he's going back by the toilet his first two trips were three minutes each right what if subject five went in there was checking his face or something and then looks oh fuck there's poop there i can't then. Then he leaves, and he thinks, okay, maybe I got clean.

30 minutes later, he comes back. He still wants to go to the bathroom. I'm just saying. Is it possible? Are you subject five? Are you subject five? Why do you have his, like? Doesn't there have to be a devil's advocate here?

No. No? No. If we're in a judgment, if we're in a jury situation. You're right. You're right. This is the most important court decision of the week. We're going to get this right.

Okay, so subject five goes in. Who went in before subject five? Subject seven. I think we have the full timeline. Let's look. Here it is. This is all laid out for everyone. Jesus Christ.

It's color-coded by subjects. Oh, my God. You can see very clearly subject five was the last to enter the bathroom. I told you, we did a lot of work on this. Shout out Quakes. Subject five was was the last to enter the bathroom. I told you, we did a lot of work on this. Shout out Quakes. Subject 5 was the last person to enter the bathroom. If you want to go before that, it was Subject 7. Subject 6 was a...

I just say they were all short trips around that. Starting at 12.14, they were all short trips. Nobody stayed in there very long. Subject 4, two trips. And Subject 5, let me just point this out. all short trips like nobody stayed in there very long subject four two trips and subject five let me just point this out that's interesting that they went to the bathroom within an hour of each other so is that peeing i feel like you can hold the pee longer some people got the you know tommy pees like every five minutes okay this is where i actually don't i don't know where we're gonna

end up with this because i don't know what the next slide is, but let's do it. The next slide reveals subject five. Okay, so are we ready? I am ready. Do you want to reveal one of them or should we just go on with this one? I'll just go on with this one. Who's five?

We have to reveal another one. This is the moment. Oh, man. This is the this is this is the moment oh man this is the person this is the footage oh god is that is that tom mullins nope that is booze booze not booze and he's a suspect. Walking with tight legs. So he goes in three minutes. Should we say who Booze is for people who don't know who Booze is? Booze is a behind the scenes camera guy. He's a Philly guy. He did a lot of stuff with Coach Prime. How long was that exactly?

Three minutes. Exactly three minutes? Where's he going? Oh, and just immediately leaves? No, he goes back to his desk. He goes back to his desk. So he works in the back corner. Interesting. And then seven minutes pass, and then it's Spider.

All right, so I have... Oh, so subject five was the last one to go in there. In the bathroom. So it's pretty much guaranteed that it's Booze. I have talked to booze. I gave booze immunity. If he would confess, he did not confess. He said that it was not him.

I then told him that he can call in and explain himself. So is he going to call in TJ? He's on the line right now. So booze is the main culprit. You guys go ahead and ask him questions. I talked to him last night about this. Booz, Brandon Walker of Barstool Sports. So it does appear like the timeline puts you right in the crosshairs here. What exonerates you from doing this?

Am I on? Yes. Oh, I didn't hear you guys. I'm sorry. Okay. First of all, it was not me. I like to use that bathroom a lot, to be honest with you. However, I...

You like it a lot or you use it a lot? I like to use it a lot. But I always treat it with the utmost respect. It's the communal bathroom of the office. It's the only one that's the private room. I know multiple people use it. I would never do anything disgusting to that bathroom.

So when I was going to the bathroom, I walked by from my desk. Give me one second. I'm actually at the airport. I just got dropped off. Oh, he's leaving town. Oh my god, you're fleeing. What? Not helping yourself, bud. I'm too afraid.

I'm skipping town. OJ went to Chicago for a little bit. That's true. So I went to, from my desk, I had to go to the bathroom. I drank a lot of fluids yesterday, coffee, a lot of water. I had to, I was in edit, lockdown edit mode all day yesterday, cutting and open for the pre-show for the Canelo of a Ball fight, where I'm actually headed to right now. Buy that on DAZN.

Huge. Buy that on DAZN. So as an editor, when you're in edit mode, you are thinking about the video, and that's pretty much it. But I had to go to the bathroom. So I get up. I walk towards the bathrooms that are near my desk over in the corner. I saw a bunch of people walking in there.

I was trying to think of who they were. I couldn't remember. So I walk to the main bathroom where the scene of the crime happened. I walk through the door. I see the turd. But by that point, I turn around. The door is already shut. The door is already locked. I panic a little bit. I see the turd, but by that point, I turn around. The door's already shut. The door's already locked.

I panic a little bit because I saw the turd, and I knew exactly what was going to happen. Literally, I saw it, and I was like, oh, this will be a thing. I'm not a confident guy. I like to stay out of the crosshairs, so I panic. But by the time I finished thinking about that, I was already taking a piss. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We have a couple questions before we get to the next part here. You say you had to take a piss really bad. Do you know that you also went to the bathroom 45 minutes before that? Like I said, I was drinking a lot of water that day. He also said he was drinking coffee. Water makes you piss.

Coffee makes you poop. Sure. Here's the he was drinking coffee. Water makes you piss. Coffee makes you poop. Okay. Sure. Here's the other thing, though. And I guess this is just my word against everybody else. I am not, by any means, nor have I ever been, an away team pooper. I am a home team pooper. I don't poop at the office.

Can we get some references on that? Yes, actually. For example, Jackson State, I was part of the Jackson State. Oh, no, no, Yes, actually. For example, Jackson State, I was part of the Jackson State... No, no, no, no, no. I want to talk to your mom. I want to talk to your friends. I want to talk to everyone here. Sure. I don't know

how that'll happen. We can. Okay. You gotta go. You gotta go. So you saw the turn. Is that true? I don't know. When got to go, you got to go. Wait, so you saw the turn. Gary, is that true? I don't know. When you got to go, or you're strictly home? I'm strictly home.

So the first time I went to the bathroom, I saw no turns. It was the second time I went to the bathroom, saw the turn. Like I said, I saw it. I knew it was going to be a thing. I like to stay out of the way, stay out of the crosshairs. And to be honest with you, by the time I left the bathroom, it had already left my brain. I'm like ADHD that way.

I was already editing. It was already out of my mind. All right, for the timeline's sake, your first trip to the bathroom, no poop. Second trip to the bathroom, poop was already there. Yes. We pulled up the timeline. We have a window.

I want to say I want to defend Booz in one respect. I came to Booz last night with the evidence that TJ and Quiggs found, and I gave him full immunity. I said I will not reveal your identity if you say this was you and you had an accident. He was adamant it wasn't him, and he requested to come on. He revealed and defended me. Scott Peterson was adamant too. Okay, that's a good point.

Good counterpoint. Palmeiro pointed a finger. Good point. Well, I mean, I think. These are all valid points. Yeah. The fact that he's saying that he'll. He's not defensive.

I'd also like to throw in. Hold on. Yeah. Exactly. I'd also like to throw in. I feel like had I had done it, I feel like I'd be walking around the rest of the day at the office. Well. I just shouldn't. Okay. Let me be walking around the rest of the day at the office. Well.

I just shit. Okay. Wait, we got a problem. Before your question, Brandon, you did go back towards the bathroom to see what was going on afterwards. Third time. Well, I mean, I was curious. I saw the poop. You said it also went out of your mind right away. Oh.

Yeah, but it doesn't go out of my mind forever. When I walk past the bathroom, it comes back in. It's getting flimsy. You can believe me. You cannot believe me. That's what they all say. I wanted to come on. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Totally get that. I wouldn't do this. I'd like to say something. I feel like if it was me, I would walk around like a nervous wreck all day. Stop, stop. I think as a jury, we cannot convict him right now. I don't think there's beyond a reasonable doubt. I don't think you can convict Booz for this.

I don't think 10 of us could come to a conclusion that he did it. It does. If we wanted to lay it all out, I think the fact that he went to the bathroom multiple times in an hour makes me a little like, huh, that doesn't feel like piss. You got a baby bladder. Hold on. Hold on. These are all against you. These are all against you.

Hold on. Stop talking for a second. You're good. You're the last person in. You also went back and looked. Like I said, the arsonist who watches the building burn. Yeah. Those are all negatives. The positive being that you did have a chance to, if you had done it, have full immunity and walk away from it.

You chose not to do that, and you chose to reveal yourself and defend yourself. That does make me think it might not have been you. Because that's a psycho move to even get your name in this, right? To say, like, I'm going to go on trial even when you're giving me the plea deal. Correct. I gave him a full plea deal where if he just was like, yeah, I've been sick or whatever. I'd like to point out one more thing, Booz. If you had taken the plea deal, then none of your coworkers would be at risk of also getting found out right now.

So if you had taken the plea deal, this would all kind of be over. Now we have to continue the investigation. You would have taken the quiet bullet for everybody, but now somebody might get shot with that bullet. Hey, listen, all I have is my word and my reputation, and I did not make the poop. Okay. Safe flight.

Where are you going? You're going to Switzerland, you said? To your bank account? Yeah. No, I'm going to Las Vegas. We have guilty votes in the room? I'm going to go. We'll let you go, Booze.

We'll decide your fate and continue the investigation. Thank you for defending yourself. Appreciate it, guys. Thank you. Let's hope we get to the bottom of this. Yes. What do you guys think? What do you guys think? What's you see this window he's talking about?

Yeah, the time frame. All right, let's see the window. I mean, as someone who's on the list as a suspect, I still think he's innocent. Okay. Not guilty from that. All right, so 1235 and 1143 are his window between those two, right? So we have subject six, subject four, subject seven. Fuck, who are you guys most curious about of those subjects?

I think it has to be seven, right? Seven, the one in the middle. Why don't we work in chronological order? Let's do subject six first. Should we call subject six? Do they know they're a suspect? No. So none of these six, seven, and eight.

That's the best part. That was the extent of it. That's the best part. Put the pressure extent of it. That's the best part. The only person I talked to was Boos. Alright. 6-7-4 have no idea. No idea. Put the pressure on them, Danny. They know. Put the pressure. Subject 4. Sorry, what is it? Subject

6. This is where we get to the part. Brandon. Yeah. Subject 6. Subject 6. Why don't you just tell us. Subject 6 is Nate. Oh, wow. So let's call Nate. Yes. Let's call Nate.

Oh, no. Nate will be honest. No. Nate will be honest. I would say he's the least likely because there's still a- There's two more. Yeah. That would mean-

I mean, but Booz went in there and sawed everyone in the hair. Yeah, Booz is saying it is crazy. Did he pee between it? He must have. He said he did. And I think you go a little WWF here and demand $80,000 for part three. The phone call.

We gotta go! Brandon knows WWF. That's how they always signed off. We gotta get to the bottom of it. I just don't get how you pee, see shit on the scene, and don't say anything. Can you put up a poll about booze? Is there a urinal in that bathroom? No.

It's just one toilet. There's a sink. So he peed right next to it. Because what if your pee gets on the toilet seat? You've got to look at it dead in the eye. Or you've got to wipe your pee off the toilet seat so there's not piss in the pool. So you have to aim your pee. You have to look at the toilet.

You have to look in the toilet's direction. So you're going to see the shit. You ever test yourself? Do a blindfolded? See how you did? Find a crime scene. Turns into a full crime scene. In your own house, you wouldn't do it, you know, just nilly nilly.

All right, Nate. How are you? You might not know what's going on on the act today, but you have been named. I'm vaguely aware that someone pooped, and you're running an investigation right now? Yes. So our investigation has led us to you. You're not a prime suspect. You're a person of interest.

Just some simple questioning that we're going to have to do. Yesterday, you went into the bathroom, the big bathroom downstairs at 12.06 p.m. right after noon. You were in there for six minutes. What'd you do in there? Took a poop. Okay. When you left, did you notice anything off? No, I didn't poop on the toilet. I've heard whispers of who it is. I'm not going to implicate anybody.

But, no, I did not poop on the toilet yet. Did you wash your hands afterwards? Absolutely. How's your peripheral vision? I got LASIK, so it's pretty good. Okay. I mean, I tend to believe Nate just because there's multiple people that go in after. But it could have been an accident is what we're saying.

Yeah. Have you ever had an accident like this? Have I ever pooped on a toilet seat? Yes. I think at Preakness I did back in like 2012. Oh, good place. Now you have a history. You have a history.

Yeah, but was it a port-a-potty? You probably hovered. Was it a port-a-potty? 100%. You've been to Preakness, Dan. It's the Wild West. Were you hovering? Yeah. You hover in the office?

No, I sit. Anyone else have any further questions? I think I'm going to let him go and clear his name. He's confident, but the timeline, I mean. I don't know if you can fully clear his name, but I would lean towards clearing his name. I would not. I would not. I would lean towards clearing his name.

I would like to explore other options. There are two more suspects. Let's get the next suspect in. The lineup went from seven to three. Okay. Thank you, Nate. Suspect four is Ben DiGiulio. I don't even know who that is.

You need to get him in here. Clean. Stand up. With a terrible accent. He would never do it. He must like you. He's been on the act before when Smitty and Devlin fought for that episode that was really awkward. They were smoking cigs in here.

And he was the one that left the office, came back, and shit a second time. Or went to the bathroom. Oh, wait, let's see that. Okay, wait, so he went... That's pretty big. He enters the bathroom at 10.55. Eight-minute trip.

It's early. Enters the office, immediately goes back to the bathroom. Okay, four-minute trip. Wow. That's interesting. Huh. That's a lot of Wow. That's interesting. Huh. That's a lot of meetings.

Huh. Huh. That is... You get him in here, you text him? He does not know that he's been implicated. He's about to. He's about to have his whole world crumble. Yeah.

There's a storm brewing. I wish somebody would just confess to this. What do you guys think? I don't think the person who did it knows they did it. I wish somebody would just confess to this. What do you guys think? I don't think the person who did it knows they did it. I think that's probably accurate. But that means that it still could be booze, and it still could be... I don't think it's booze. It could be booze, and he doesn't know he did it.

Do we have a poll on booze? It's shit, though. Oh, yeah. If it didn't, it's shit. There's never a bare asshole. It's not, Ben. Oh, fully, like, booze is getting a great review here. It's not Ben. Oh, fully. Booze is getting a great review here.

He's definitely innocent. Ben? How you doing? Subject five is Booze. Subject four is Ben DiGiulio. Subject six is Nate. Take a seat over there. You know what?

No, actually. No, no, no. I'd stand because we know that you might have trouble sitting. Confirm don't have trouble sitting. Affirm don't have trouble sitting. Okay. Some dude wipes in hands? Can we pull up? I've been watching.

I've been watching the episode. Oh, you have? Okay, can we pull up the timeline real quick? Did you know that you were going to be named as one of the subjects? Yes. You did? Yes. So you are.

I assumed because of I went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. So you used the bathroom. You're subject four on this timeline. Used the bathroom directly after Nate. You had also used the bathroom at 1055 yesterday. What happened? 1055 was the number two.

Okay. Second one was not. A four-minute trip? Yeah, I don't know what happened there. I don't, see. Oh, no. So I don't think it was because this is what happened and ebony can confirm and you already put this up too i came back down again to use that bathroom and she said someone shit on the

seat there's a whole thing going on and i was like god damn it this is my bathroom i'm so prepared when i go to the bathroom i bring dude wipes i'm very clean like i i need a clean bathroom i get pissed no pun intended when someone pisses on that toilet seat, let alone takes a shit. That's my number one bugaboo. So I'm very clean when I go to the bathroom, and I need a clean bathroom. I would have noticed. I would have noticed afterwards.

So you didn't notice anything when you went in there? Didn't notice anything. Nate is off the hook. Nate is off the hook. Yeah. So you brought those in with you? I bring them in every time I go in. Dude wipes.

DJ, can you confirm that? Jerry, I'll go as far as say this. If it's him, I'll quit. I will also quit. I'll quit with Rico. I will also quit. That's a day one guy. You're 12 months, bud.

Don't worry. That was about to be three times that you used it. If anyone knows my dietary habits, they're not good. I had 11 a.m. Taco Bell. Oh, this. 11 a.m. Taco Bell. Can I see the receipt? No, I don't get receipts at Taco Bell.

No, but did you buy with card? Yeah. How much did you spend? Can you pull up your bank? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell us what your order was. I think a Taco Bell. You, but did you buy with card? Yeah. How much did you spend? Can you pull up your bank? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell us what your order was. I think a Taco Bell receipt. You'll make fun of my order.

I think a Taco Bell receipt. Exonerates? How would it exonerate? Oh, yeah. It makes it worse. I mean, but. Fuck. What was your order?

Just tell us your order. I get four soft shell tacos. 11 a.m. Yeah, it's my breakfast. But I guess that also means that he was pooping. Right away. You drink coffee. You drink coffee. Oh, so I have Mountain Dew, and that it's my breakfast. But I guess that also means that he was pooping. Right away. You drink coffee. You drink coffee.

Oh, so I have Mountain Dew, and that's like my coffee. Mountain Dew is hot. Oh, my God. Puts me off a wall. Don't you do an afternoon Coke, too? I've been trying to cut back because of the shit. You know, it's not good. I'm 26 now.

I got to worry about my health a little bit and all that stuff. So I've been trying to mix in waters later in the day. Yeah, a bad dietary habit. I don't think it was you. I mean, it wasn't me. There's someone in between him and... Oh, there's one more. Yeah, it wasn't me.

All right, Ben, you can leave right now. It could be Ben, though. If you need me, I'm here, but it wasn't me. I think I know where this is going. No, okay, so now we're in a spot. We're about to figure out the movie. Now we're in a spot. The next guy is the prime suspect, and we don't know that we want to.

We can't reveal the next person. Why? That is crazy. Okay. Because we don't know who it is. Oh. Why? It's a guess.

We don't know who it is. It's a guess. I looked at the tape, and I do not know who it is, and I do not want to put them on blast. Is there any way we can cut the cameras, and we can look at it and see if not know who it is. And I do not want to put them on blast. Is there any way we can cut the cameras and we can look at it and see if we know? We can look at it after, but I can't put that person on blast and then have it be like, oh, they didn't do it.

Right. And it was a guest. What the fuck? It was a guest or someone you just don't know? Someone I don't know. Yeah, I don't know if it was a guest. Somebody that doesn't work here. Not a famous person.

One of John Taffer's guys. Not a famous person. But there were like five guests in here. There was a lady with the feet and her guests. I was hoping it was booze. I was hoping it was booze. Is it a woman? I can't confirm or deny.

I'm going to be honest. Confirm. I hope it is the guest because that means we don't work with a serial shitter. Yes. Correct. Am I making a mistake? Yeah, this is actually a great turnout. No.

I was really hoping it was booze or Nate. I was rooting for the two of them. What about suspects one, two, and are we positive it's not? I mean, it would be tough because everyone else. I'll reveal all the other ones. Subject one was security guard Dan. He just went and took a piss a couple times. It would have been him.

Subject two was Enrique. Subject three was Lil guard Dan. He just went and took a piss a couple times. It would have been him. Subject two was Enrique. Subject three was Lil Sass. Those wouldn't have been any of us because the shit wasn't on there. Right. That was for the seven people to use Sass. That's also a savage thing to do before not. You went in at 9.15? No, I was like 10.30, I think.

Oh, okay. I thought it was 9.15. Like before 9 a.m., you're just leaving shit on the toilet. Yeah. That's not the way to start the day. So what do we do? Reveal. Man, our hands are kind of tight.

Reveal. Great cliffhanger. I don't think I can reveal. Alright. Use a burner account. I really wanted it to be booze. 21 questions. Are we willing to stand up? I don't think any of those three people are exonerated, to be honest. Okay, I was going to exonerate all of our people. Booze is suspect.

I don't think so. I think this, Ben. No, I don't think it was Ben people. Who's his suspect? I think. I don't think so. I think. Is Ben? No. No, I don't think it was Ben. Do you hear his diet? I think Ben's more of a suspect than Booze. Taco Bell, a cigarette, and a fucking Mountain Dew in the morning is the recipe for a fucking Wasn't Nate after Ben?

Are you standing up for Big Tone? That's how I stand up for Ben. Wasn't Nate after Ben? Once we have the bonus, Rico will quit. When Nate, Ben, Subject 7, Booze. Okay, so it was Subject 7. But what if they came in the same way that Booze said the shit was on the toilet when he went in? What's Ben?

Ben's 4? Ben said it wasn't on the toilet. Nate said it wasn't on the toilet. It was the person. It was Subject 7. If it's not Booze, it has to be. Subject 6, I guess. Is it's not booze, it has to be. Subject to six, I guess. Is it seven?

It's not booze, but you're assuming everybody is like... We're taking them at their word. The chat is very upset. Are they not? Yeah. Well, I mean, what do you want us to do? It's not... Only fans.

We literally brought in all the people that we could legally bring in. We can't put this person on blast. I think we can. I don't know what to say. It's the act. I mean, what do we say? I say name. What do you want me to do?

We try our best to find out who it is and reach out. Yeah, you need to show us. We need to see if any of us know who it is. Yes. Send the picture. Can we send the picture in the group chat right now? It's going to be a two-day event because we need to see. We need to all have a chance.

TJ, can you send the group chat picture? Yeah, let me grab it. Okay. No, I can't add y'all in. Just DM me on Twitter, TJ. That's fine. Of course you can add them in. I'll send add y'all in. Just DM me on Twitter, TJ. That's fine. Of course you can add them in. I'll send it to both you guys.

What if we get them on the phone? Anonymous. No face. The voice changer? Sure. Yeah. Distort them a little bit. I didn't think it was going to turn out like this.

I didn't either. I thought it was booze. We depended on booze. No. I think we I thought it was booze. Are we dependent on booze? No. It can't hold up. It wasn't booze. Because it was me. Somebody take it.

Because I did it. How mad are people, TJ? I mean, just a lot of L's. I don't know what that means. I want to be an L. We don't know how to contact this person. We literally... We figured it out.

We'll get in contact with them. We did the job. I see. Crazy. We're losing subscribers. We lost two subscribers. Yeah. We'll be okay.

My dick. This is fucked. Third person. Lots to think about. Guys, it's a stranger. We do need to see. We need to see who it is, but... You send it?

It appears to be outing the shitting habits of anybody that visits Barstool Oh Did we send it, TJ? What was that? I gotta grab it first Okay Wait, so can we call Nate? The person works here, but I can't say their name

Can we call Nate back? The person works here, but I can't say their name I know who it is The person works here, but I can't say their name Can everyone stop unsubscribing and fucking do a little math? Do a little math. Do a little math, people.

All right. In your head. Really? Unsubscribing? It's over. This is so fucked. Yeah, and shut down the show. Why are they doing this?

Come on, you're bombing, man. Oh, my God. What are they doing? Playing you off. Why are they doing this? What the fuck? Oh, man. Oh, they God. What are they doing? Why are they doing this? What the fuck? Oh, man. Oh, they're pissed.

They would be so much more mad if I said who it was. Oh, they're angry. What do we do? It's fine. Let him go. We got to cut the sound. We got to remove that live sound. It was a great show.

We figured it out. I thought it was Booze. Booze is the last one in there. It has to be Booze. We got to tell Booze to take it. Let's do, what is it called when we all admit that we did it? Yeah, we've got to get off. Articus? We've got to end the show.

They're doing it. They're fucking with us. We've got to end the show. Get the sub count off. Alright. Show. No, it's fine. We did the job. I did all that research. My wound's bad. People want somebody to die for this. We did the job. I did all that research. My room's bad. People want somebody to die for this. We're not in a position to kill anybody for this.

We cannot kill the person that is subject seven. They're not a killable person. They cannot be killed. We tried to kill Nate. We tried to kill Booze. I tried to kill everyone. Don't understand in due time, Dan. Yeah, you can't.

It's a minute's a process. Yeah, just let it play out. I'll work to try to get a confession. I thought it was good work by all of us to suss this thing out. Incredible work

by guys like TJ, Big Pat, Quigs. Great. Great. I mean... Most people, I think, the smart people will figure it out. Everyone else will shit on me, and that's fine. No pun intended.

If they were in my seat... Let them shit. If they were in my seat, they would do the same thing I just did to protect Subject 7. You did the right thing. I wish it was booze. I thought it was booze. I thought it was booze. It should have been booze. I mean, yeah.

The thing is, you know, there's some people we got to protect. Did TJ just send a picture? A video, but there's nothing in it. Would you guys like to react? I didn't get anything. Maybe a DM on Twitter or something. TJ, go a long way. Brandon can show you.

I mean, you can see. Yeah. You can see. You can press play on the video. Okay, we should end the show. We have to. Brandon, would you like to see the video? I can't see.

I'll see you after the show. Wait. That's the show. That's the show. That's the show. Outro Music It's the act