The Yak - We're About to Make the Greatest Show on Television | The Yak 7-13-23

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

Happy Tommy Walker Day to those who celebrateYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak

Hey, Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Yo, DJ, hold that up. Hello. It's the Yak. Me and Francis. Me and Big Cat. I don't know where everyone else is. Here comes Kate. Here comes not KB.

I guess. Yak. Sponsored by Roback. R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com. Promo code Yak. 20% off your first purchase. Roback.com. Go do it right now.

Q-Zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, sweatshirts, shorts. Roback.com. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. What happened? Breaking news. Breaking news. Probably the greatest thing that could have ever happened. What?

They're all arguing about the Mets over there. Meek Phil, Hubs, whatever. This whole group of dudes arguing about the Mets. Meek Phil's super into it. Caveat, Snapchat Steve's dog is here today. That dog has been on the act before. A delight. He's so into arguing about the Mets,

he doesn't notice that Benny has taken an enormous series of wet dog poops on the floor. And so he's arguing about the Mets, and he's stomping all over the dog. TJ, I sent you a couple pictures. That's what that is? Neekville stepped right in dog shit. I walked into that area as soon as he did it.

I thought it was staged. Oh, my God. Do we have video of it? Oh, a million people at once. We need video. A million people at once leapt up. You really have to see it. I'm probably not doing it.

He's in his socks holding his shit shoes. He's screaming about the Mets. Like a buffoon, like a farmhand. He stepped in it like ten times because he was arguing about the Mets. Perfect victim, Meek Phil. Horrible for his PR. He needed anything but that.

He was just living high off of all the compliments that Pat Bev gave him. I must have missed that. Yeah. He was on the Pat Bev show. I think he was hosting for Roan. Meek Phil was? Yeah. Quigs tweeted it. Why?

Because Roan's in the safari. Quigs tweeted it out. TJ, you can find it. Yeah, Meek Phil was living high and now he's back down to ground zero. Get him in here. God damn. That rules. I want to watch the video then we'll get him in here. Should be up any second. Hello, everyone.

Francis is here today. What? Hey, let me tell you something about me, though. True story, right? I met Meek through mutual friend, right? Mutual friend. I meet Meek. I think it was his cousin.

The guy at Piedmont that be around him all the time. Obviously, I'm playing with Lou Will. And Lou Will, like, hey, yo, bro, you and Meek, y'all act exactly the same. For real, y'all act exactly the same. I've been around him. I've been around you. Y'all act the same.

Mine's like, I'm a huge Meek fan. Hey, man. You think that's Meek Mill? Yeah, of course. His all-time edit by Quigg. Oh, that's so good. That's so fun. The school passed, and I was like, wait, what's Meek Mill? Yeah, of course. His all-time edit by Quigg. Oh, that's so good. That's so fun. The school passed, and I was like, wait, what is going on here?

That's exactly how he would react. Yeah, he'd just be like, hmm, hmm. All right. That wasn't real. Yeah, that would crush you. I would have been, no. That would have just been insane. Actually, I'm not.

I wish that that happened. Yeah. I'll be honest. I thought it was real honest I thought it was real I thought it was real The number one guy At Barstool is Meek Phil It goes Roan

And then Meek Phil Is next Yeah listen I didn't know Meek Phil But Lou Will told me That I had to meet Meek Phil And you guys act Exactly the same

Meek Phil just stepped In dog shit Meek Phil stepped In dog shit Oh and Phil stepped in dog shit. Oh, and I can tell he thought he was making a great point before that. I need it leading up to that. Do we have that or no?

Me Phil just stepped in dog shit. To be fully honest, if that happened to me, I would have lost my mind. I would have been very upset. The dog shit everywhere. You can't have a dog shit. My cat wouldn't do that. I was actually doing one of those, you know when all the

guys are talking sports and I'm quietly like, guys talking about sports. It's just guys. Then all of a sudden they all started screaming and I leapt over and there was just poop everywhere. That's incredible. I'm really riding high off of that. You can't have your dog shitting on the floor.

No. That's beyond me how they're the most popular animal. You're't have your dog shitting on the floor. No. That's beyond me how they're the most popular animal. You're a cat pervert. Cats would never. What? A cat pervert? You're a cat pervert. A little bit. I'll admit it. Have you seen the video? No.

It's maybe my favorite video the internet's produced in at least the past year. Is this recent? Yeah, last night. Oh. Cat pervert. How about you? Last recent? Yeah, last night. Oh. Cap pervert. How about you? Last night? Yeah, last night. Last night?

Mm-hmm. You didn't see? What happened? Cap pervert. They are a, I'm trying to choose my words correctly. They are a sensual creature.

No, I'm not. That's our cat. You understand? Our cat. I'm not even in my yard right now. What am I doing? The gate's open. You're unreasonable people.

You're holding our cat. How? I'm not even in there. I want you to explain how. If you would go in your yard and say, Mercury, go home. Don't come in our yard anymore. She's a cat. She doesn't speak English.

Oh, really? This doesn't mean go home? No. Hand signals don't mean anything. It's a cat, dude. Really? Okay. Alright. Well, we'll have the police? No, never. No. No, never. Never. Yeah, never. Yeah, you cat pervert. I've done nothing to bring the cat. I've done nothing to bring the cat. Cat pervert. He's lost it.

Oh, shit. Wrong or right, it's a tough look to have someone yelling cat pervert. Dude, the minute he said cat pervert, he lost. He had no defense. It's a cat pervert. Yeah. Yeah. It is.

They called the cops. It's so funny. It's so funny. The guy behind the camera who is a cat pervert was like, it's- He tweeted it, I'm guessing. Yeah. He was like, I understand if my cat was in your yard, but your cat's in. Yeah. It was like, it's, he tweeted it. I'm guessing. Yeah. He was like, I understand if my cat was in your, your yard,

but your cat's in my yard. Like his, that guy's cat is going into their yard and they're claiming that they're harboring the cat. The guy filming his cat is going in that. Watch the end of it. They, they start to explain it a little bit.

What crime is that? You know what? There's a crime about you harboring my cat. What crime is that? What crime is that? It's what? There's a crime about you harboring my cat. What crime is that? It's against the law. What crime is that? It's called harboring an animal. I can understand being angry if my cat was in your yard.

You're angry because your cat is in my yard. Oh. That was the other way around. But he's a cat pervert. Yeah. They think that he's treating the cat better than them. Right. And basically giving it food and trying to steal their cat. cat pervert yeah i think that he's like treating the cat better than them right and basically like

giving it food and being like trying to steal their cat yeah once you say cat pervert it's over yeah you know that i'm back from that what do you say i didn't i don't fuck your cat right and if anyone ever asked you like hey man i heard you're a cat pervert there's no right answer to that yeah yeah you're like no i'm not well why are people saying you are this actually happened to my cousin's husband like uh he's from uh i don't want to get the country wrong he's from somewhere in uh south america and there was you can get that wrong i think it is ecuador you can you can you're gonna say africa yeah you can definitely get that that's where it gets a little can't get asia wrong all the same africa and asia I feel like you can't get wrong.

Steven can get Asia wrong. Yeah, he can. So let's say it's Ecuador. He was living there, and there was, I guess, the property that he was on in his neighbor's property. There wasn't a huge divider or anything like that. And there was a cat that would come over, and they would give it ham. Sounds like a cat pervert move.

That's a big time cat pervert move. And so the cat just kept coming to their house, and eventually they just took the cat in and they named him Hamon. Hamon? For Ham. Ham. That is a good one. Sounds like a cat pervert.

Have you guys ever heard the song The Cat Came Back? The very next day? Yeah. Maybe. Thought he was a goner? The cat came back. He just couldn't stay away. I don't know the rest of it.

I didn't stick with me. Children's song, right? Yes, that's right. I'm glad you know it. Ron's neighbor is telling him he's a cat pervert because that cat garbage used to come over to his house all the time. I was actually a cat pervert as well because I wanted garbage to come over. Yeah.

Everyone's a cat pervert. Cat pervert. There are a few things that people can accuse you of, regardless of whether they have any merit, which if they say that about you, you can no longer continue on your point. You instantly have to start trying to prove that wrong. Be like being grimy.

Creep. When a woman says creep. You're a creep. You're a creep. You're a creep. You can't. Whatever argument you had before is done. And as soon as you start arguing, it becomes creepy. A sneaky one is triggered.

Yeah. Anyone says you're triggered, it's over. Yeah. You could just say anything and people like you're triggered and you're like, well, fuck, now I am. Yeah. Yeah. That's like when I go home, my mom's like, why are you in such a bad mood?

Right. Like, well, I wasn't in a bad mood and now I am. Yeah, right. I'm in the worst mood. Cat pervert. A creep cat pervert triggered. I like the cat perverts in this list. Sexist, racist.

Yeah. Both of those are big ones. Yeah, racist is tough because your, like your immediate inclination is to be like, no, I have black friends. And then you're like, wait, no, that's... Mine is to go, yeah, I am. A little bit. Yeah.

Give me your cat. I'll fuck it right now in front of you, buddy. I say, I'm not racist. You're racist for saying the word racist. I bring that up. You brought race into this, not me. You did. You're thinking of race.

I don't see color i'm colorblind but even colorblind can see black and white right yes i think so it's not not everything's just transparent one time i was arguing with kelly keegs over the whole mean girl situation um her blog which i had said was mean and uh we were arguing and i said i didn't understand why like what they did bothered her so much you know why not just sort of stay in your lane and that was a mistake because then she said do you understand how sexist you sound right now? Yeah.

And I said, lame, not kitchen. I don't know. It's the Frankie versus. Yes, Liz Gonzalez. Yeah. Find that clip, TJ. That was one of the most awkward tension moments. I didn't really know what mansplaining was until I saw that clip.

I don't remember this. I've never seen this either. So easy to avoid drama. I know. Put your headphones in. Yeah, but then a cat just shows up in your yard. That's the difference there. You fuck it once.

Yeah. Let it lick. You let it lick tuna off your dick one time. Oh, man. And you're a cat pervert. So fucked up. I think I would do I think I would put milk in my belly button

for it. Ew. That's disgusting. We're talking about being cat perverts. No, that's just sick. I gave our dog a bath this morning. Here we go. Rubbed his shoulders, made him very uncomfortable since that exact date.

You know what? We lost tonight, but we still have this. It might make you comfortable, but it looks stupid. It's not an argument for why we lost. Right. Walking out of that stadium saying, like, you're happy to be, like, where you're at in life, like, as a fan for that team is insane. Wrong. I'm saying I love my team so much that I would rather go to sleep a loser and be a fan of my team than wake up a winner and be a Red Sox fan.

Yeah, that doesn't make sense. I mean, like, no one's saying, like, when your team loses, you don't be like, I want to become a Red Sox fan. We're just saying, like, they're in a better spot than us. Do you get that? Oh, do I get that? Like. That's mansplaining. Dave said that. That's not mansplaining.

You mean there's not another game? The season's over? No, I mean like. Tell me. That's mansplaining. What's next? I feel like Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. That's mansplaining.

That's mansplaining. Oh, fuck. I forgot how awkward that was. Tommy's hand moment. I just wanted to know why the Yankees lost after losing three games. I thought it was a seven-game series. You keep saying that it had nothing to do with the fandom, and I just meant they're in a better spot.

I don't want to do this anymore. I didn't mean to say that. I wasn't meant to be a man. Oh, that ruled. Yeah. Oh. Oh, is that why? She caught it immediately.

Right away. That was what made it so good. So what's up? So the show went well last night? Yeah, we did our first dollar slice comedy show. How big is that room? 200. 200?

Yeah, it was packed. Nice. It was good. It's like there were people standing in the back. Oh, really? Did people get a dollar slice? No. That was Owen's show for a while, and then...

It was Owen and Mooks. Yeah, we just... They... We did... I don't know. I don't know why... I actually don't know how that became the name of the show. I think it was just...

Dollar slice of life. Dollar slice is was just... Dollar Slice of Life. Dollar Slice is synonymous with New York City. Yeah. Dollar Slice of Life. I think we're going away from the Dollar Slices of Life thing now. I think it's just Dollar Slice. What's Dollar Slice of Life? That was the name of the comedy show.

That felt a little, I don't know moth storytelling to me oh yeah um so I think we're gonna just keep a dollar slice comedy and uh

yeah it was great there was one really awkward you'll love this sass yeah I heard all about it did tell me

yeah I wanna hear tell me in private fuck off you don't want me to talk about that come on I think it's fine I don't want me to talk about that? Oh, come on. I think it's fine. No, I don't think we should.

Why? He wasn't happy. Who? It's not his fault. Yeah. We have to tell it. Yeah, yeah. You're in this tough spot.

I won't say their names. Don't say their names. Don't say their names. Two comedians. Great comics. One is a trans Asian lesbian. Get it. Get it. Get it.

Check all those boxes. We need her voting for Jerry. They. And she's very funny. Very funny. Yeah. They've done The Tonight Show. I don't know.

They are in a new movie. I guess it'd be pretty easy to figure out who this is. She or he. They. Got it. Gender plural. Yeah. they got it gender plural yeah uh they went up and had a good set and did a lot of jokes about being trans and their identity and it was good and then the next comedian came up and

his set has a lot of trans jokes in it. Whoa. Oh. And... It was Dave Chappelle? Yes. Yeah. And did he know he was following them? No. Oh, that's awesome. No, and I don't even know that he knew

that their set would have so much content about being trans in it. So we didn't think to buffer them to separate them they should have been on like one of them should have been first and one of them should have been last that's right or or different shows entirely well no what happened was well they were jokes yes but but the audience had just been like confused, hot, how, what it's like. It was like educational person.

Then the next comic came up and was like making jokes that they've just been. Yeah. Been made to feel. I was the delivery and was with, with like a little bit of reluctance. Yeah. Yeah. He knew he was in

a very difficult spot well props to both of them he was pissed i think he was just down he was like down about it did he crush he did okay he did fine he set him up the audience probably didn't know whether to laugh hard or not at all the audience clearly felt that laughing at because the trans comic remained for the whole show and they knew that they were in the audience knew that they were in the room oh they didn't want to laugh and and mock absolutely comic just learned that had just taught them. That is a tough situation. And it was a tough... I mean, it was a really interesting moment.

I've never encountered something like that. How did the trans comic respond, if at all? Good naturedly. Yeah. It was good. They're a seasoned comic, and I think they... My guess is that they are a comic in first

and can respect that other comics are going to have jokes about everything and that it's not, it's a comedy show, so I'm not going to take offense. That's my guess. Oh, you were hosting, right? Yeah. So you did the transition? I called it, and I called it out, too. I didn't

mean to say transition but yeah uh i called it out uh because i didn't i had to i mean that would be good like fodder for future sets for maybe both of them this should be like a rough and rowdy of comedy just having it back to back like a nazi comic and a jewish comic yeah but then then the Jewish comic is always going to have the upper hand there unless you're doing a crowd. You don't know how the Nazi comic, maybe the Nazi comic murders. That is exceptional material for the guy. Yeah. That story alone is very funny.

He will get to use that going forward in another set. I think you're right. I think you're right. We had a thing at the end of the show, a joke of the night, where all the comics come back up and do a rapid fire of their best joke, 30 seconds, one hitter, quick succession, and then the audience gets to decide by applause whose joke they like the best, and then that person wins a $500 prize, 500 bucks.

The Barstool gift store? No. Ash. $500 in, $500. The Barstool gift store? No. Ash. $500 in Stella Blue. Yeah. That'd be awesome. 20% off Stella Blue. I went up and asked the comic who had the rougher set,

who had made the trans jokes. I said, you know, are you ready for this? And he goes, I don't want to do this. I don't for this and he goes i don't i don't want to do this i don't want to be he was like i don't want to be here anymore and it wasn't like rude it was just like i'm i feel like this is i'm in a really bad spot right yeah and i said he didn't do it he did and he did a great joke it was not a trans joke did it win he didn't win. Nor did the trans comic. How much of his set was trans jokes? That was like a lot. There were a few.

But, I mean, look, it's comedy. Yeah. You know? Should win all, like, everything should be fair game. I don't think this was, nobody expected this to be a safe space. The comics were fine. The weirdest actor in it all was the audience. Right.

Because they had been like, they had faced, I don't know, a progressive lesson and then been immediately forced to see a comic perform, which they felt they couldn't laugh openly at because of what they'd just been taught. Yeah. That was my diagnosis of it. If I'm sitting next to them, I don't know if I would feel comfortable highing. Right.

Yeah. That's amazing. But I was, and they were laughing at the comic's amazing. I was and they were laughing at the comics jokes. To me is good. I love it.

You said you had video of Beak Phil? To talk to him way more about re-signing him next year. I want to guarantee it. What the dog shit is this know I'm not the money. Put this dog shit in. Yeah. I walked in on that.

I was like, that has to be a skit. This is his video. The voice sounds fake. Exactly. Put this dog shit in. Whose dog is this? Oh my God. He was all there the whole time. This dog shit here I just want to hear the what the fuck again. Yeah, me too. It sounds like the fakest line ever. I want to hear it.

What the fuck? What the fuck is dog shit? I love how... I know. You thought a human came in and sprinkled dog shit under it. Place this dog shit on the ground. You know what what hairball KB and I did last week that was

really fun we went and sat on a park bench oh yeah and just watched people for a couple like an hour have you ever watched he had a blast or I did we were high and Sass wasn't

Sass was making us crack up Sass was just talking And KB and I were laughing Our fucking dicks up It was funny though It's really funny He was on fire Kyle Mooney

And Zach Bennett Yeah Did you Oh yeah Those videos were so funny They deleted all of those Really

You can still find them on YouTube Oh cause they didn't get Like people to sign off They deleted them Like when. Really? You can still find them on YouTube. Oh, because they didn't get people to sign off? They deleted them when they got SNL. Oh, I think it's called Theater of Life, maybe? Yeah. And they sit on a park bench. Yeah, those are hilarious.

And they just mimic. They'll zoom in on people talking, and they'll talk for them. Yeah. And they're so fucking cool. Yeah. Remember the guy jumping around like a bunny rabbit? A bunny rabbit guy?

50-year-old bald guy. Where were you guys, Washington Square Park? No, we were in Madison. Madison Square Park, near the old office. Yeah, that was nuts. And there was a guy in the little park. We're sitting on a bench looking at the park, and he's shirtless. He's wearing high-cut jean shorts, and he's, I don't know. He's putting putting on a show he's emulating a bunny strange guy

to the point that we were like are we being recorded right now yeah and he was doing a circle of the big green area the grassy area and he had his hands up and he was hopping and looking at us yeah smiling and just staring at us and we were well we're laughing kb and i are laughing our heads off his ass is perturbed and uh he keeps checking to see if we're looking at him like he would like turn around take a couple steps and then he was like insecure about his act because he kept checking to see if we were laughing and we were then he just and then he just fell asleep on the grass Like 30 seconds later Job well done

Like starfish laid out On the grass I respect a hell of a lot of people who just go sit in parks all day Yeah I know It's like an awesome life I used to do that when I first moved here and then I was like this kind of sucks Really? Yeah

If you're old You have nothing else to do You either gotta pick a bench You gotta pick a bench Ground Oh you can't do ground Yeah there were a group There were some groups of people there

That we were like Like people like sitting around Like pretending to play Like a guitar But clearly they've never They were waiting to get photographed Yeah we were like These people are clearly waiting

For someone to like Take like a grainy film photo of them. Be like, New York City, man. Yeah, gotta love it. Yeah. Billy Football sent me a sketch that he wanted me to read to try to have it get made by Harry's sketch show. Yeah? And it's really one of the worst things I've ever read. I asked him if I could blog it.

What did he say? And he was like, oh, no, we should make it make it and i'm like i don't think that's possible it's it's a mess i think he pitched it to me and i i forgot it he pitched it to you guys a year ago yeah he sent it to owen and he's like they never got back to me so i'm sending it to you how many bros are in it i don't know i don't remember any part of it. Can I just give you the... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah. Please. You're not blogging it right now.

No, I'm not. So it's called The Briefing, written by William Cotter. Okay. Man in a suit walks down the hall being pat on the back. Multiple people in suits congratulate him. John the staffer, congrats, Bradford. It was a tough race, but you won. I'm not going to read the whole thing.

Basically, this bro wins the presidential election. Okay. This is the president. Yeah, Bradford is the president. Billy's like, we've got to give this bro a name. Brad. Wait, he just won the

presidency. That's exactly what his thought process was. Bradford McKenzie. Sounds like nice Caucasian stock. By the way, the other characters in this, their

names are Bob, Brad, Bradford, and Caesar. Oh, all right. Go figure. And basically Bradford wants to celebrate his victory says things like

Booyah baby, I am the fucking leader of the free world Bob. What the fuck could you have to bug me down with now? That's a real line? Yeah, I mean dude I can't i can't make this up um bradford is boisterously cocky and basking in his victory uh bob you son of a bitch if you hadn't had me stop in that bumfuck town in iowa i wouldn't have won this thing

let's just make it quick you're standing between me and the mistress that wasn't allowed on the campaign trail. What? And so I guess Bob. I want to make this. Yeah, I like it so far. It's anti-comedy. Bob wants to brief him for the presidency. And the president just wants to celebrate. And Bob introduces him to this guy, Cesar Kzar, K-Z-A-R.

And they meet. And then Cesar starts clearing up all of the conspiracy theories that Billy subscribes to. Yeah. subscribes to yeah so it's just a way basically for billy to put what he believes the denver airport actually is who killed kennedy wait give me give me one of them yeah um some dialogue i want billy to make this but he has to do it like like uh eddie murphy has like playing all the parts make him make this make him make this but he has to play caesar bradford bob brad it'd be great yeah so caesar says all right i'll answer your questions but you better cooperate with what i am about to tell you brad snickers thinking he has one up the

long time presidential confidant brad so et phone home question mark caesar the ufos are advanced technology we reverse engineered from a craft that crash landed in roswell the hominids on board we are unsure of their source may be from far space or from far time we use that technology to defend against nuclear attacks brad was dumbfounded and completely enthralled his tense and and lack of articles i i mean brad wow what about bigfoot caesar sighs at the infantile nature of all these questions you don't have more pertinent questions about Russia impeding advancement in France or the impending failure of the newly installed levees in New York Harbor to prevent it from being flooded? Brad, come on, I have plans to legislate that.

Tell me about Sasquatch. Caesar, there were small populations of surviving gigantopithecus in the cave systems under national parks. Teddy Roosevelt designated those areas parks to prevent friction between humans and the ancient beasts. FDR during the Great New Deal enlisted unemployment World War I veterans to exterminate the majority of their populations. There are almost none left with too small of a population to produce out of extinction. What about Mothman? While this is going on, is there any physical comedy or slapstick?

That would be funny if in... I don't even think there are jokes. I was going to say, is there a final joke? Does the joke come at the final question or something? I don't think he just wants to make a movie. Yeah. I mean, it's like... I think it was just a way for him to put his conspiracies into a visual medium.

It would be great if Billy had it written and the entire time there's just a guy getting hit in the nuts. Yeah, that would make it funny. That would be funny. Someone steps in dog poop. Is there any 9-11 in there? Yeah.

Ever increasing stain, maybe. Denver Airport. WTF is going on there? That's the presidency. You mean Bradford McKenzie. Bradford McKenzie. That name is good. Caesar.

Probably the most relevant question you have asked. It is the emergency location of our government if the country is ever under nuclear attack or the improbable situation Washington is under enemy control. That is your main destination in any event of an attack. Bush was taken there immediately after 9-11. Wait, to where? The Denver airport. Oh, got it. And then he says, now can I begin your brief? Taken there immediately after 9-11. Wait, to where? The Denver airport. Denver airport. Oh.

Got it. And then he says, now can I begin your brief? And Brad says, interesting. Last question. What happened to JFK? Caesar, you asked, or JFK asked too many questions. Caesar gets up and tosses a file across the room. The file says, Brad mckenzie first term script oh and then caesar says he also didn't stick to the script brad mckenzie sits alone in the conference room dumbfounded and humbled

holds his head in his hands and realizes his lifetime goal of becoming president has put him in an incredibly sinister position great for for a comedy sketch show. His presidency was scripted. Is that it? Is that the end? And that JFK was killed for not following the president. Script. Yeah. That's just like a mashup of macro dosing. Exactly. Yes. I love it. Billy's brain

is the best. It's good. It's like a 12-year-old that was born like his parents were the internet. Yeah. That's his... Oh my god. It's like a 12-year-old that was born, like, his parents were the internet. Yeah. That's his... Yeah. Oh, my God. I like that.

He sent the script to me and was like, you got to read this. I think it's really good. I think we can make it. And I said, okay. You have to make it. He's been sitting on it for a year. He's making it. It's what I like best about it.

Does he have any, like, new drafts of it or anything? Well, this is the issue. He wrote it in notes. Oh. Yeah. He's decided to bold the most random thing. Names are so similar. It's very hard to read. We'll make it on the Yak.

Yeah, I would play. I would love to play a character. Who do we have to talk to, TJ, to get us... We will make this script. I think we could do it. We could probably just do it. Do you want to TJ to get us... We will make this script. I think we could do it. We could probably just do it. Do you want to talk to Billy? Yeah, let's just do it.

Should we tell Billy to come in here? Yeah. Let him know it's greenlit. Your script is ready to go. Tomorrow we will act this out. Or should we debut it as if we wrote it and steal it from Billy and see if he notices? Oh. Wait, Steven! We should put it on the main page.

Yeah, put it on the main page. Although he's probably going to hear this. Yeah, he will. People already DMed him. Get him, get him. Get him, get him, get him. Yeah, get him. Yeah, people have already.

People are already hitting him up being like, Bradford McKenzie, what a character. He was very sweet about it. He's a sincere guy. Yeah. But the other thing that is confusing to me about Billy is that he constantly tells me that he pulls me aside. And he's like, you know, I'm a lot smarter than people think. Yeah, he's big on that. And he's like, I went to Williams.

You know, you went to Harvard. Like, you get it. There's one other guy who does this all the time. Who is it at Barstool? I'm a lot smarter than people think. Probably White Sox Dave. Well, he went to Northwestern. It's White Sox Dave.

Yeah, yeah. Did he actually go to Northwestern? No. Oh. Billy, sit down. Well, he went to Northwestern. It's White Sox Dave. Yeah, yeah. Did he actually go to Northwestern? No. Billy, sit down. Here, sit. We're making your script. We're making it? We're making it.

Hell yeah. I don't think, so I'll say this in the nicest way possible. I don't think it's going to get the laughs that you intended, but I think it's going to be funny. I think it needs some work. No, I want to make it's going to get the laughs that you intended, but I think it's going to be funny. I think it needs some work. No, I want to make it as is. As is. Yeah, this is going to be like Michael Scarn in The Office.

It's going to be anti-comedy. It's going to be so bad that it's so good. I think it could be good if it gets a little more workshopped and stuff, but it could be good good. It doesn't have to be like bad good. I kind of like it being bad good. I know, but I've made a lot of bad good. I want to make some good good.

Okay. Okay. We're not there yet. So how do you want to punch it up? I'm working on it right now. Oh, you are like writing a second? I don't know. It's just like it's the first thing I've ever written ever.

I know there's a lot of people here who's written a lot of stuff professionally and stuff. I like don't know how to, so I'm just workshopping it. That's ever. I know there's a lot of people here who's written a lot of stuff professionally and stuff. I don't know how to, so I'm just workshopping it. That's good. I like that. He did a bad job of reading the script and relaying what the jokes were. What was like...

No, I didn't. Oh, you read the script? Not all of it. He was purposely misleading. No, no, no. What were the highlights in your head? It was just a concept I wrote down. At the end, I don't know, it's more of a twist at the end.

It needs to be fleshed out. There needs to be more jokes added. Francis gave some great guidance on it because he's a writer. He has the program that actually makes a script look like a script. Yeah. Final draft? Did you say word? I just wrote this on Google Drive.

He has a thing that makes it look like an actual script. What was his feedback to you? I wanted to help. Yeah, I want you to feel encouraged to keep trying. I will. Also, I think you to feel, like, encouraged to keep trying. I will. And also, I think this would be a very funny concept. Again, maybe not the last you're looking for, but I think it would be funny. It would be funny.

Right. Yeah. Who knows? That was the big note I said is you've got to have more jokes. There just weren't any jokes. And you were relying on this twist at the end, which if it's a comedy sketch, it reads right now a little bit more like a mystery. Like a black mirror, Twilight Zone thing.

Kind of. Yeah. So, Billy, walk me through the name of the president. I just wanted to make him sound like a douchebag. Okay. You didn't want to go Brad McKenzie? Bradford McKenzie, the full name? That was the full name?

Yeah, I don't know. Just like some dude, and he's like a douchebag, and he's an egomaniac, and he becomes president, and then he realizes, oh shit, I'm not king of the world. Right. I've got to follow the script. This could be a good drama. Yeah.

I have a lot of ideas like this. I have another idea where Teddy Roosevelt gets into a war with a bunch of Sasquatches that live in the national parks. Okay. Then he has to go under Yellowstone National Park because they live in a bunch of cave systems in the national parks. And he, like, brokers a treaty deal in this, like, sauna, like, hot water spring type thing. With the Sasquatches? Yeah. And they're all, like, sitting in the hot tubs. Like, you know those monkeys in Japan? Yeah, yeah. Chasquatch yeah and they're all like sitting in

the hot tubs like you know those monkeys in japan yeah yeah chilling those yeah they're all like chilling and they like broker a deal and teddy roosevelt's like you guys get all the national parks we'll never develop them and we'll protect them it also needs to be fleshed out there's a couple other ideas i like it too because it's like working a little bit of history into it where it's like this is how it happened. Yeah, historical fiction. Is the script based on your beliefs? No. Your conspiracy beliefs?

No. Borrowed from your own beliefs. Yeah, just any of us could be Bradford McKenzie. That's true. That's true. I also have this other TV show idea. Okay, all right, let's go. It's called Tiki Torches and Touchdowns.

It's Friday Night Lights based in Hawaii with a bunch of Hawaii 5-0 themes, sort of like Outer Banks type stuff, but you just incorporate it with football. Now that is just you're just trying to go to Hawaii. No, no, no. Starring Billy Football. Like you have a dog, the bounty hunter type character who's the father of the quarterback and the quarterback's best friend on the team's father

is someone that bounty hunter's hunting. Oh. Then there's that dynamic. Oh. Then like boats get stolen and Outer Banks stuff. Okay. Boom. I like that. I like that.

I like that. Good opportunity to cast a lot of Pacific Islanders. Yeah, that was going to be a whole thing. One episode was going to be like the Samoans get pissed at the Polynesians and the coach has to, like, rein it all in. Okay. So. Okay.

Who's the bounty hunter? No. The coach is the bounty hunter, the dad of the quarterback. The coach has to navigate all these issues. And he just moved from the mainland. Like California? Yeah, California. He's trying to fit in because he's a noob in Hawaii.

Yeah, he's a noob in Hawaii. And we're discovering, just like he is, the intricacies of Hawaiian culture. And also, a quarterback gets a scholarship to Texas, but he really likes to surf, and he doesn't want to go to Texas because there's no surf. Okay. There is surf in Texas, but he doesn't know that. Like high school musicals. There is surf in Texas?

Yeah, Galveston. That's not near Austin. Right, but he's like UT. It's an inland. So what happens when he finds out that there is surf in Texas? He's like, yo, there's surf like an hour away. And he's like, oh, man, I it's an inland. So what happens when he finds out that there is surf in Texas? He's like, yo, there's surf like an hour away. And he's like, oh man, I can go to Texas.

And... There's no Hawaii surf. Yeah, yeah, but then like he goes to Texas for one year and gets kicked out. Why? Surfing too much? Sexual assault. Then he goes back to Big Island and he goes to Hawaii and there's

a big homecoming. Oh, shit. These are just a bunch of storylines that could happen. I like that. I haven't developed it yet. You could also throw a little nod into Manti Teau in there, too. Yeah, there could be a fake girlfriend. Yeah, fake girlfriend.

No, no. Fake boyfriend. Oh. What about fake linebacker? Everyone's like, yeah, the dude's going to show up any time. Like, our defense will be set. And it's just like some chick sitting in a room being like, I run a 4-4-40, like, I'll be there in a minute. Yeah, turn the, yeah, reverse it.

That would be huge. And they show up and they're like, fuck, our defense is fucked. I think if we put all the brains behind tiki torches and touchdowns, we it. That would be. And they show up and they're like, fuck, our defense is fucked. I think if we put all the brains behind tiki torches and touchdowns, we really could get something going. Now, when you said tiki torches and touchdowns, I was thinking it was going to be like a Charlottesville, like, you know, the Nazis now have a really sick football team. Alliteration.

There will be an episode with that. Yeah. Yeah, where they realize tiki torches are bad. Yeah. Also a hog hunting episode. Okay. The team goes hog hunting. Okay. torches are bad. Yeah. Also, a hog hunting episode. Okay. The team goes hog hunting. Okay.

Like a team bonding. Yeah. But then like a giant wild hog, like Gore is one of the good players, and then you can't play. Oh. That's fucked. Maybe it kills the other dude that the bounty hunter is trying to get. Maybe the wild hog, they catch the wild hog and they're about to kill it,

and then they see it in its eyes, and then they make the wild hog the mascot. He's the mascot, live mascot, but then he goes wild again and kills someone on the other team. Oh, shit. In the middle of a game. I love this. Yeah. See?

Yeah, they're like the star running back from their rival school is running for a touchdown, and the Wild Hog makes the open field tackle. Oh, Lord of the Flies, they have to take a plane to a smaller island to play them, and it crashes. It crashes? On a desert island. And they see Tom Hanks. Can we get Tom Hanks in there?

Oh, yeah, there could be just a random dude. Tom Hanks becomes, like like the greatest offensive coordinator ever. He's like, look, I've been on this island for a really long time. All I've been doing is drawing up plays. Yeah. Like a cave. And there's Sasquatches in the cave. Yeah, you love him.

Teddy Roosevelt. The big cave guy. And the ghosts of Marshall's football team. Play-Doh. Oh. Yeah. Stark. Billy, these are good ideas. Thank you. Play-Doh. Oh. Yeah. Billy, these are good ideas. Thank you.

You got to just navigate them. I just need to learn how to write a script so other people can read it. Just get Final Draft. Yeah. Also, they made... I gave you more feedback than properly formatting it as a script. No, yeah. It was a little like...

Those formatting softwares format it for you. Yeah, it's easy. formatting it as a no yeah it was a little like those formatting uh software is like formatted for you yeah it's easy you type like character dialogue like it and you just click on it and then it's you're typing in the dialogue no i i had no idea what the format was i just like started typing stuff into google drive and the way i thought it was supposed to be but it's confusing to other people it's it feels like you're sort of putting this on me no i'm not putting it on you i totally don't know the the way to interpret what i would say that the the content within which i still managed to make sense of you know we talked about it there there needed yes yes like a a clear theme right and i don't i don't, I don't, I disagree. Maybe just physical

comedy, like someone keeps like. I think we should start like a franchise that's just Billy's brain. Whatever he spits out, we make.

No edits. It would be interesting. True. And it like nothing is linear. There's just like time skips and

everything. And it's just very confused. It almost like you're saying like Black everything, and it's just very confusing. It's almost like you're saying, like Black Mirror, but it's just purposely as confusing as possible. Billy, there are AI programs. You can submit that script, and they'll make a trailer for it.

Oh, Billy, you should do a writer's strike. That sounds like, yeah. Billy, you should just do an AI series. No, but if you're wanting a scab writer, I'll write. Okay. Hollywood, are you listening? Yeah. I like this.

I want to make these. Could work. We'll see. I think, again, I don't know what the laughs will be, but there will be laughs. I know. I know. Laughs are laughs. We're working on purposely being funny a little.

Yeah. But you can accidentally be funny on the way. Right. Right. Right. I'm in. Billy, I'll give you unlimited budget to make these. I don't care.

It's going to be. Yeah, that was my other question was the budget for it's got to be pretty crazy if you had to go to Hawaii. Yeah, that would be pretty. I think we could probably do it in Long Island. How much money did James Cameron need for Avatar? I think we could do it like. Probably do it at like Pebble Beach in Brooklyn. Yeah.

City Island in the Bronx. Yeah. Yeah. We're here in Hawaii, and it's just like every shot has the Brooklyn Bridge in it. This is so funny. I'm so in on this. East River.

One blow up palm tree. I think they did that for Rumble in the Bronx with Jackie Chan. It was filmed in Vancouver, so there's all these mountains in the background. Well, they filmed a shitload of shit in Vancouver, yeah. We have like the wild boar that they capture is just like Stella in a costume.

Yeah, you got to expect the pilot to be a little low budget until it gets picked up by like Netflix or Hulu. Right. Yeah. There's legs. So are we thinking. Clemmer is the Samoan. He's just got the tattoos on his eyes. No, he's in the Moana costume.

Yeah, he's listed at like, yeah, 350. He's the got the tattoos on his eyes. No, he's in the Moana costume. Yeah, he's listed at like, yeah, 350. He's the nose tackle. Clemmer could be the catfish linebacker. Yeah. Yeah, he shows up and they're like, what the fuck? Yeah. But then he ends up being really good. Yeah.

Twitchy. He's got crazy speed. Okay. By the way, do you know that Stephen Shea has never taken a live snap and thinks he can throw an NFL completion? Was this yesterday's episode? It's going on for a week. A quick screen pass might be possible.

He's going to establish a run. I think that within the first ten reps he'd get irreversibly damaged. I would agree. I would agree. They keep saying that his mental toughness would keep him in there, and I'm just like, you've never taken a hit for your life. You're not as mentally strong as I am.

That is not true. That is not true. There is not a person in this world who is as mentally as tough as Stephen Che. I'm being honest. Stephen Che would get hit by one free rusher and just get the win knocked out. He's unfazed.

He's proving himself. You're proving him right. The man cannot lose. It's not like he's mentally tough like he can take the most pain. He's mentally tough. He thinks that everything he does is a win. He has the mental fortitude that is unmatched by anyone on planet Earth. Okay.

It's just there was a point where his delusion, like how delusional he was, was like making me angry. Right. Right. But then you got, listen, I've been there many times with him. You just got to be like, yes, Steven, you can do it. Because there's no, you can't fight it. He can't be beat. He has a good offensive line.

He's going to establish a run. Did you know the part about establishing the run? No, I heard the part about how he was going to get the ball out in two seconds. I gave him like a seven-on-seven snap, and he bobbled it. Billy hiked it at my ankles and was like, there's no way you can do this. That wasn't at your ankles. It was just infuriating. Like, freshmen get into, like, high school games.

Like, freshmen get into, like, high school practices, and they see a line for the first time, and they panic. Right. And the fact that Stephen Che, who's never played tackle football before, thinks he can step in front of an NFL line and not panic is infuriating. But he is Stephen Che. Maybe he panics the first. Doesn't he have 30 attempts? Yeah, and also, is infuriating. But he is Stephen Che. Maybe he panics the first. Doesn't he have 30 attempts?

Yeah, and also he wouldn't panic. But in the panic, he'd get flattened and then he'd be gunshot. Billy's putting his brain on my body. No, no, no, no, no. No, that's absolutely. Billy, if Stephen Che stood in front of a defensive line, NFL defensive line, in his brain, he'd be like, I'm exactly where I should be in my life. I finally, like, finally someone has recognized my talent. Seven on seven, I'll give it to him, 30 attempts,

nothing with a real line of scrimmage. He would be, like, calling out the mic and be like, I've been in this place. All the decisions I've made in my life have led me to here where I should be starting quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Can we please organize? You feel like pangs of nostalgia as soon as you got up. For nostalgia that doesn't even exist.

Right. Can we please put him in a college or high school practice? I would love to. He keeps saying high school. I said high school. I said high school. I don't think he'll be able to do it even in high school. Yeah.

And he said easily he would. No, exactly. Against, like, St. Joe's? Nah. The fog of the game would totally – Billy, do you think you could? In an NFL game? Yes.

That's one of those things where, like, I think I could throw a speed out. I think I could throw a short. Billy could do it. I couldn't drive anything downfield but like short game i think i get something off you're saying this isn't a skill-based challenge it's more be it'd be mental it'd be no no it would it would be like getting it off like moving through a couple progressions more than one absolutely not first pre-snap throw 100 like not 100%, but would have a chance to do it in 30 reps. Never know. You think, is that because of Steven's lack of athleticism?

He's also, he's never played football. Is that it? I don't think he's ever experienced the level of adrenaline where he has to do that computation. Well. Steve, defend yourself. He did take Ryan Mallett to the Super Bowl. Several times. Several times.

On a couch. Win the Super Bowl as well. Yeah. Only 51 speed? It was low 50s. Yeah. But I worked him up. All right. Billy, thank you're gonna be having me yes yes i'll go work on the script it was a great appearance in the act thank you billy yeah work on don't no don't even work

on the script go let's go start let's work it on tiki torches and touchdowns this one's good okay tiki torches touchdowns needs uh i needs a pilot on my desk by tomorrow. Start working on that. I can give you the first five minutes. Oh, I need a 20-minute episode. I have a vision for the opening scene of the whole series. The coach is getting interviewed by a student journalist for the paper, and one of the kids just got suspended for smoking weed. All right.

Okay. That's about 30 seconds. No, no, but— 21, or 19 and a half more. You don't know the dialogue. It right. Okay. That's about 30 seconds. No, no, but 21 or 19 and a half more. You don't know the dialogue. It could be slow. True. Yeah. About him coming and then like, how are you dealing with your star running back smoking

weed? This is also set in the- Why is he coming? Because he- From the mainland. Taxes. Taxes. Yeah, taxes.

California taxes. They don't follow that in Hawaii. Does Hawaii have good taxes? I don't know. No, no, no. Really? A California coach has to have burnt out. Oh, in California.

He won a state championship in California, but the town was like, enough of your shit. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. What if his wife left him and she is the cheerleading coach at this Hawaii place? Oh, he wants to win her back. Yeah. Ties in the cheerleaders. I like that.

It can happen. I like that. Yeah. And he like he's pretending he doesn't even know. He's like, oh, she's here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What are the odds where he just escapes California because of covid?

Oh, OK. All right. Yeah. What are the names? It's Gavin escapes California because of COVID. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah. What are the names? He hates Gavin Newsom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He was coaching in San Francisco. Yeah. And he got carjacked. Yeah. He's like, fuck this. Some of the names and the characters, like the native characters. Oh, that's... I'm going to have to do some research on that.

Okay. But Kai... That question wasn't offensive. Billy just goes, that's offensive. No, like. Yeah, it's offensive. I'll ask, what's a Samoan name? Yeah.

What's your best Samoan accent? Nope. I don't know if I can do a good one. I had a dude on. You're going to be playing all the characters, so you're going to have can do a good one I had a dude on You're gonna be playing all the characters So you're gonna have to do it Remember my guy on Tennessee The tight end

Pua Stubbs There you go You can have him Pua Oh Pua's good Oh there's gonna be a whole Mormon contingent Yeah

Also Yeah Missionaries We're going culture war Oh yeah Well it's actually like All in Hawaii too Oh Billy

Mormon contingent And then There's like the big game, and everyone's nervous, and they accidentally start drinking, like, regular Coke, and they get so jacked up, they win by, like, a million. Exactly. Yeah. These are all things that could...

Because, like, Texas high school football has, like, been so done, and even Northwest high school football has been so done, but, like, Hawaiian football, like, I've met a couple of the kids, like, on my team and then also, like, in recruiting camps. Like, it's so interesting, like, all the different dynamics because Hawaii is such, like, a melting pot of the Pacific in the first place. Does Hawaii get pumped about, like, Friday night football? Yeah, they have huge football. They have very good athletics. Oh, yeah. It's a small population.

Yeah. Okay. Like, it's pretty impressive. Like, Manti Te'o. Oh, not Manti Te'o. Yeah. Yeah. Wait.

No, I was saying Marcus Mariota. Yeah. Product of Hawaii high school football. Tons of guys. Manti Te'o was as well. Yeah. He's Hawaiian. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's just like something that. Have you ever been to Hawaii? Absolutely. No. Okay. I haven't no I really like this I think you're right How successful the Outer Banks was

A lot of bathing suits and fashion stuff Has Hawaii even had a drama Let alone a teen drama yet? I don't know Like Hawaii Five-0 What about Mormons? Mormons You could have a whole polygamy scandal in an episode. So many momfluencers are Mormon moms in Hawaii.

It's a thing. Oh, what? Mormons in Hawaii? Oh, my God. Yeah. The biggest momfluencers on the planet are Mormon moms in Hawaii. It's insane. Wow.

It's like a big thing. They got their Stanley cups and they're mixing like cream soda and like... You gotta get some star power. They weren't allowed to drink soda. That's what they're all doing. Well, cream soda has no caffeine. We gotta get some star power in this as well.

Thinking like maybe there's an episode where like Adam Sandler is filming like Grown Ups 8 in Hawaii. Is that the Grown Ups? Yeah? Did he do Grown Ups? Yeahler is filming Grown Ups 8 in Hawaii. Is that the Grown Ups? Yeah. Did he do Grown Ups? Yeah.

There's Grown Ups 2. He did that Drew Barrymore movie. 51st Dates. Yeah. And then Adam Sandler starts playing basketball, and then one of the guys on the team doesn't even know it, but he's the sickest basketball player ever, and he then gets drafted. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah.

Also, The Rock is one of the fathers. Yeah, The Rock's got to be loosely attached. Yeah. The Rock's one of the fathers, and he really butts heads with the coach from California. He's like, you don't get island life. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He gives them the people's elbow. Maybe he literally butts heads with them. Yeah. Head butts them. Yeah. Yeah. Over island life. Yeah. All right,ts them. Yeah. Over island life.

Yeah. All right, Billy. Wow. I'm ready. Thank you for having me. Yeah, thanks for joining us. Oh, we didn't even, well, another time, but we didn't even talk about volcanoes. It's a whole other thing.

Yeah, there's got to be volcanoes there. See, Billy knows. There's a lot. Wow. This is a lot of play. An eruption. One episode. An eruption.

An eruption, yeah. In a rock, yeah. Damn. An eruption. One episode. An eruption. An eruption, yeah. In a rock, yeah. Damn. All right, high noon. High noon tequila seltzer. Sorry, high noon tequila lovers who have never satisfied with the malt hard seltzer offerings, you're going to love new high noon tequila seltzer, premium hard seltzer, clean finish because it's made with real Blanco tequila, real juice, only 100 calories, gluten-free,

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They got the tequila. My favorite tequila is the strawberry and the lime. High Noon Te a drink of the summer. They got the vodka. They got the tequila. My favorite tequila is the strawberry and the lime. High Noon Tequila Seltzer. Go get it right now. HighNoonSpears.com. Find it near you. What a mind. He sold me on it.

It went really well for him. Yeah. It's a dangerous mind, but it's a beautiful mind. I'm excited. I think really what we need to do is that we need to send him out to Hawaii for like a couple months to really get an idea get an idea of the landscape get an idea of the culture

we all assume things about the Hawaiian culture like volcanoes and beaches but none of us really know bounty hunters Mormons I mean I didn't know a lot of that bounty hunter fathers who have to kill one of the high school students. I think it is every one in three people, adult males in Hawaii is a bounty hunter.

That's a classic scenario where a high school student has a bounty out on him. No, no. In Hawaii. Not the student, the dad of the backup quarterback. Oh, okay. So there's a lot at play. The backup, I think it actually should be reversed, though. In Hawaii. Not the student. The dad of the backup quarterback. Oh, okay. So there's a lot of play. The backup. I think it actually should be reversed, though.

Yeah. The starter's dad is on the run. The backup's dad is the bounty hunter. Yes. Yes. Because then you get a lot of, like, tension there. And maybe the bounty hunter, like, he's hesitant to kill the quarterback's dad because he's, like, he's playing so good this season,

a major death in the family could really throw off the rest of the season. Yeah, or maybe he doesn't want to kill the dad because the starting quarterback hasn't learned how to throw a football yet. He's like, if I kill the dad, the dad will never teach him how to throw a football. Even though he's the starter. Good idea. They run the triple option. Yeah.

And his dad's not around to show him how to throw. Maybe he's the main character. Billy? No, the dad. Dad. The bounty hunting dad. I like the idea of Billy making a show where, like, you don't ever really know who the main character is.

Yeah, true. It just kind of bounces around. It's like you just got to kind of figure it out i feel like if anyone could do that seamlessly without effort billy would just nail it yeah you just have him write this like have him write each episode uh all in one day he'll get lost like wait what did I do? Never mind. I'm ready for it. Steven, you want to be in this movie? No, it's a show.

Sure. In Hawaii? Yeah. Pearl Harbor? We're not filming in Hawaii. Some kind of Pearl Harbor tie-in? Yeah. Most of it will be filmed in the office. During that conversation, I got curious.

Hawaii. Where do you think Hawaii property taxes are at? Do you think they're low? High? High. It's got to be high. I think Hawaii is one of the most expensive places to live in the world. Extremely low.

What? Yeah. You looked it up? Yeah, I went on Zillow. I just checked it out. Yeah, you asked it like it was a question. I wonder if there's some kind of exception for people that are generationally there. Natives, maybe.

I went on Zillow. Those that have, uh, vacation homes, you know? Right. I could see there being some kind of, uh...

I went on Zillow and just looked at, like, houses for sale. It's very low. I think even just getting to Hawaii costs, I think it's, like,

one of the most expensive flights, too. No. Yeah. If you book enough, I mean, it's expensive, but. I'll try right now. No, it is expensive.

I've been. It's awesome. People are mad. Mark Zuckerberg bought like a massive compound there in Hawaii. Where am I flying into? Honolulu? If anyone should, it should be him. Go to Maui.

All right. Maui. Hawaii. Maui, $1.2 million home. I don't think they have any airports in Maui..2 million dollar home I don't think they have any airports Three grand Really? Alright when should I

When should I book my flight for? Let's go Let's go like February 2024 Thursday the 1st Weekend trip You got I'm looking

Do they have like no service It sucks so bad Coming back Oh wow Not even that bad 600 bucks Alright You've been

I was wrong Yeah Unbelievable I actually booked that flight It's probably the one Of the only places I've been Where like It was hyped

And then it was Like somehow underrated Because it was so incredible Do comedians Make that Or is like That's too much of a trip No people go At Luau's Yeah much of a trip? No, people go.

At Luau's? Yeah. What? Oh, wait. Segura has a whole bit of back performing in Hawaii. Look at that. Yeah, the coming back,

though, sucks because you have to fly to San Francisco in a red eye, so then you land in San Francisco at like, eight in the morning,

and then you have to take another flight. I don't think you have to. There are direct flights back. From Hawaii to New York? No way. I took a direct flight back from Hawaii. Really?

Yeah. How long of a flight is that? 10 hours? I think it would be more. I think it was maybe seven one way, nine the other. Something like that. Maybe nine on the way back, seven the way there. That's terrible.

There's no way it's seven. It's like six to get to San Francisco. There's no way it's seven. It's like six to get to San Francisco. There's no way it's an hour. One way is significantly faster. Whatever the jet stream thing. Going there is faster. Going there is faster. Yeah, the way there.

That's great. Oh, but then you have to transfer because you can't. It depends what part of Hawaii you're going to. I want to go to hawaii it's really cool it's amazing that it's a state it's hard to believe it's so exotic talking mostly about the scenery or the activities or um well the weather is better than anywhere i've ever been i mean it's it's better than Jamaica or the Caribbean islands. It's just the same temperature

every single day without a cloud in the sky. Yeah, that's crazy. And the water is so awesome to swim in. The food is like... Every fish dish has come off of that day. Yep. Off of spearfishing.

You go to Maui? We went to the Big Island. When did you go? That was 2009? 2008? I went with some friends. I heard it's kind of a shithole now.

Well, that's fine. If you leave at 445 in Honolulu, you land at JFK at 7.25 a.m. Nine hours and 40 minutes. That's not as long as I would expect it to be at all. That's a haul, though. Yeah. That's like flying to Dubai or something. Maybe not quite.

How long is it to France? Eight hours? From New York? Yeah. It's like six and a half, seven. Really? Yeah. Yeah, Hawaii is...

I would highly recommend Hawaii. I want to go to Hawaii. I was wrong. It's got to be faster coming back. Yeah, because of the jet stream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Great tubing. You went to Hawaii? No, but I would imagine. To think about it. We went and they had set us up for some spearfishing. And they give you a chart, a laminated chart. I think I've told this story before. Where they give you a chart of the fish that you can shoot your spear at

and those that they don't want you to, whether they're endangered or just not fish to hunt. And my friends and I were just, you know, you got goggles on, a mask, it's fogged up, there's water leaking in, you can't really, you're looking at this chart on your hand and then trying to see, well, is that that fish? Jesus. And I saw this one fish that looked really weird because everything else was

impossible to hit. Couldn't, they just, they knew the game and they would scatter. And finally I saw one that was clearly you could hit it and it looked kind of stupid. And I was like, well, I don't think that's one I should shoot for. And sure enough, 20 minutes later, I go in. And then my buddy shoots that very fish and brings it in on the spear. And one of the women who had outfitted us with the flippers and stuff, she was from Hawaii, came out and saw it.

And she started weeping. Oh. Because it was a puffer fish. Oh no. It was like sacred or something. Oh no. She didn't cry. She cried. I'm not lying. She started crying.

You ever had to put an animal out of its misery? But it wasn't unhappy. It was living its life. You don't know that. It could have been unhappy. Could have been a depressed buffalo fish. Maybe it was really bummed.

Yeah, maybe it was having like the worst. It was like, I hope I get fucking speared to death. Yeah. I feel really bloated. That's why I was out in the open.

I'm going to put me out of my misery. Salt water's making me feel so bloated. Yeah. Get me the fuck out of here. I gotta get in the water. I'm going on a fishing trip again. When?

September. Where? Colorado. Hell yes. I'm going with my same friends. You've been talking like a bass master for months now. When's the last time you caught a fish? A few years ago.

No, we're going. We got to redeem ourselves from Iceland. Iceland, we finally accepted it. We accepted it and we were like, was that the biggest mistake we've ever made? Going to Iceland in pretty much the winter? Yeah. I mean, dude, I just remember looking into the water and just, I was like,

there's not even a single living creature in this water right now not even a tadpole, a minnow anything anything like seaweed it was just like a pool

they might have shocked the river with chlorine you gotta catch yourself some fish. No, we're going to go. Yeah, we're going to go to pretty deep in Colorado. By Telluride, actually. Wow. Yeah. Is that the Colorado River?

I forget what it was. My buddy takes me. You're going fly fishing? Yeah, we're going to go fly fishing. He said we should go to, because he lives in Colorado. Oh, he said Buena Vista, Arkansas River.

That's not what I would have guessed. Oh, no, no. That was the second option because the first one was kind of far. The first one was Black Canyon of the Guinness River. I thought it might be the Black Canyon. That one's pretty far from Denver.

It's like a five-hour drive. Yeah, that's where the good fish are. Do you fly fish? No. You're not like a fisher person? Fly fishing seems so cool. It is awesome. It looks cool, but it's hard.

Yeah. Fucking hard. Because if you get it wrong, they know. Yeah. The cast. Yeah. The cast. The coolest part about fly fishing is the pants. It really is. It's scary, too.

The scenery, too, is probably pretty cool. Yeah, but the pants are the coolest part. True. For sure. When you go up to your waist. Waiters, yeah. It's awesome. Yeah, and it feels good.

It feels cool. It's all like It's grabbing your legs Rushing around Yeah By the way Happy birthday to Tommy Walker Oh yeah

Yeah I asked Brandon If he could zoom in And he said that Tommy told him He wanted The only thing he wanted For his birthday

Is to be left alone And be able to sleep all day Wow Tommy's I mean that's a man After my heart. I love that. Yeah.

I wonder if his girl's going to go out and surprise him. Yeah. I wonder if his pa's going to take him on that little shitty boat. Tommy is older than, like, King Tut. What? How old is King Tut? He assumed reign at, like, 11. How old was King Tut? He assumed reign at like 11.

How old is Tommy? Like 12, 13. I think he'd make a good king. You want to text Brandon and see if Tommy's up? Isn't Tommy like 9? No, I think he's 12 or 13. 13 seems pretty... 12.

I think it was 2 years ago he did the big event. That was 10th, right? It was 10. You want to do the Morgan & Morgan read? Yeah. All right. Oh, you got it.

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Got it Outlaw Hashtag I couldn't remember The phone Nomenclature For the hashtag I gotta go to Alabama tomorrow

Yeah so everyone's Gotta buy tickets Yeah It was in Alabama Anyone lives in Alabama Can't expect that To sound crazy Who lives in How. Anyone lives in Alabama. Can't expect that to sound crazy. Who lives in...

How big is the room? Like 300, but I'm doing four shows. All right, so let's go, Huntsville. Step up. Huntsville's a big rocket ship place, right? Isn't it? Yes. And a big military.

Oh, really? Redstone Arsenal is there. Well, let's go. Let's get the boys. That's going to be a show where you're going to have people after the show come up with you and say that they drove six hours to see you. Yeah, definitely. That's what that's going to be.

Yeah, it'll be fine. Whatever. You're going to crush. I'm not worried about it. It should be fun. Dude, you're fast. We're just excited to get up on stage, slay the stage once again. You're going to be there all weekend?

Yeah. Nice. And then I're going to be there all weekend. Yeah. Nice. And I got to go to Atlanta next weekend. And then I'll get in Philly. You're a fucking traveling comedian. Chicago shows are almost sold out already. Let's go. When is that?

October. Oh, nice. That's going to come for the whole week. Yeah, that'll be fun. I can write you down for that. Yeah. A week, baby. Yeah, I'll be there the whole week.

Nice. Fucking go. You bring that little your sidekick with you. for that? Yeah. A week, baby. Yeah, I'll be there the whole week. Nice. Fucking go. You bring that little, your sidekick with you. Roan? Yeah. It'd be funny if Roan comes back and we're like, oh, Sass, your sidekick's back. You just start treating him like shit.

I was thinking when we were talking about Hawaii, I was just like, oh, didn't Rone just went to Hawaii? Rone goes everywhere. And I was like, that applies to most places. Yes. He's been everywhere. He goes everywhere. Yeah.

Except Iran. Except Iran. Yeah. It's the only place he hasn't gone. He just stopped by Iran on the way back from South Africa. It's so easy. Yeah. He like accidentally tagged a restaurant With a location somewhere deep deep deep

In Brazil a few months ago And I looked at it and I was like oh wow Yeah Brazil Yeah but we've actually That's been a whole thing on Son of a Boy We still don't know if he actually went to Brazil or not Because he said he was in Miami right Then he claimed he went to Brazil

And he just won't tell us He goes back and forth But yeah he did and he made a post tell us. He goes back and forth. But yeah, he did, and he made a post, and he was tagged in Brazil. It's like they both just woke up. Yeah, it does. Yeah, he looks really bad. And you look like crap.

You got to get outside. The high bags. Do you see the volume? Hey! My birthday boy! Let's go Tommy! Big one two! You ain't showing anything?

What you doing? Like bright in there? Don't worry about that. Hey guys! Can you hear us? I can't. What's wrong with the... I'm not going to restart the computer. This is great.

Home studio rules. It's just too... It's also just Brandon. Little Brandon yelling at each other about a computer. You just want to say hello? Tommy, happy birthday! Happy birthday! Tommy's birthday.

Tommy, happy birthday. Yes! Tommy, you're the birthday. Happy birthday. Tommy's birthday. Woo-hoo. Tommy, happy birthday. Yes. Tommy, you're the king. Happy birthday. Okay, hold on. How long can you hold your breath underwater? I don't know. I don't know.

This would be awesome if he started freaking out. It was working yesterday. That hairdo that he's wearing right now is someone who was asleep 30 seconds ago. Look on the right side. Splash water in my hair and comb it to make it look like this is how I always wear my hair. Yeah, you're right. He never had his hair like that. He looks like a shitty public defender who, like, sprayed some binoculars in his mouth right before he went for, like,

the trial of the century. He's like, all right. That shirt's not helpful. Oh, no. He had some double Ds in that. Yeah, he did. That's not. The longest I've seen his beard in a while.

Santa Claus. Brandon's a drunk little league coach. That's what he looks like. Got his hair together right before he got out looks like he's been hitting the bottle hard he does look like an alcoholic y'all hear me?

happy birthday happy birthday Tommy what's going on? you guys both just wake up Tommy dude Tommy happy birthday how old are you Tommy? 13 What's going on? You guys both just wake up? Tommy did. Heck yeah. Tommy, happy birthday.

How old are you, Tommy? I'm 13. Let's go. You would not be allowed in Stephen Chay's village, town. You're a teen. Tommy, would you rather have a stack of pancakes or a stack of magazines? Pancakes. Would you rather sleep for 12 hours or go spearfishing for 12 hours?

Spearfishing. Tommy, leopard versus panther? That depends on what iteration the panther is. If it's a black panther, it has the camouflage. If it's a Black Panther, it has the camouflage. If it's a normal Panther, then it has the strength. Okay, so let's say normal Panther.

Panther. Okay. Yeah, good choice. It seems like you're saying Panther both ways. Yeah. Okay, I got one for Tommy. Hi, Francis. You remember Francis.

Tommy, hey, a question for you. Let's say that you're on a ship and the ship capsizes at sea. And you and two of your crewmates survive in a lifeboat, right? And a week goes by. You've eaten all of your emergency rations. And one of the members of your lifeboat starts to drink seawater. Are they gone? Oh, no, you're still there.

And so because he's losing his mind, right? And he starts to drink seawater. So he's going to get sick. He's probably going to die anyway. And you and your other boat member decide that the only way for you to survive would be to eat that other guy. Could you do it? No. I'd just jump in the water, catch a fish with my bare hands, and eat it raw.

Yep. Good answer. Smart man. Long move. Smart man. Good answer. I mean, question. Same scenario, same scenario, but you're in Hawaii,

and the only fish you can find are puffer fish. And you know it could save your life, but if you get back to shore and you tell everyone you can find are puffer fish. And you know it could save your life, but if you get back to shore and you tell everyone you lived off of puffer fish, they might kill you. What do you do? If it's live or die, I'm eating the puffer fish. Alright. Strong. Tommy, you're going to Cubs

tomorrow night, right? Wait. Tomorrow? Yeah. He hadn't actually been told Wait. Tomorrow? Yeah. He hadn't actually been told that. Fuck. Oh, wait. Is Nick there? Well, Uncle Big Cat bought the tickets.

That's why I said that. That's fine, then. That's not as bad. Brandon was going to surprise him with your gift. Yeah. Give me credit for it. I'll let you know. Uncle Big Cat was the one who dropped $1,700 on those tickets. So is Nick there?

Nick is not here. He's not here. Why? How are his gifts to you? Good. Good. Can you tell him that a fan at the last baseball game I went to said that he's a really big fan of Nick?

Oh. Yeah. I love that. Pass that along. We'll let him know. So that actually happened at the Brewers game. We went to a fan recognized Tommy before he recognized me. Well, understandable. You've kind of let yourself go since your New York days.

Right. They're probably like, who the hell is that? That's it, Brandon. Explain yourself. Who the hell is that fat alcoholic with Tommy? No, I just haven't shaved, that's all. He means this. Okay, I got it.

All right. Brandon, we got to get you a clean shave going. I'll shave tonight. Fine. I didn't realize it was that bad. No, it's not. Big Cat, did you really pay for the tickets? Yeah. Well, I didn't realize it was that bad. No, it's not. Big Cat, did you really pay for the tickets? Yeah.

Well, you didn't have to do that. I didn't want to ask my connection because it's a Friday night game at Wrigley, and those are always more expensive and harder, so it's for Tommy. I told you we could do Monday night. Yeah, but you want to do Friday night, and I want you to have fun. Okay. Thank you. Tell him thanks.

Thank you. Sorry for ruining the surprise. That's alright. It's going to be awesome, Tommy. They don't do a lot of Friday night games at Wrigley. Really? Yeah. Really. Maybe two a year.

So it's going to be popping. Okay, so we're going maybe to a water park, maybe to the pool, maybe to go shopping. We don't know. We're just going to go do his birthday. Love it. Happy birthday, Tommy. We love you. Happy birthday to the man.

Brandon, get yourself under control. Alright, Sask. You ever see the time lapse of Tim Allen putting on the fat suit in the Santa Claus? I know what he looks like right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. Oh, man.

That was so great. Oh, fuck. I wonder if they're going to do any fishing out there today. Kill the wet align right now. Kill the wet align. I've been fucking just been hankilled a wet align right now. Killed a wet align. I've been fucking just been hankering to wet align. Tight.

Tommy rules. Hope he has a great birthday. It's kind of sad. He's maturing. And he doesn't really fuck with us as much as he used to. Oh, that's okay. He'll come back around. I think he's also going to be himself his whole life. Yeah. I think he's a very unique and wonderful young man.

I just can't wait until we can hire him. Five years now? Five years we can hire him. That'll be huge. What if we hire him, but we hire him for the New York office? A walker's divided yeah big cat you you said in um your speech yesterday that you you don't want there to be a rivalry between new york and chicago no there shouldn't be there definitely will be i think there will be though

why as soon as you guys are still that's right but the like fans will do it, but I was saying more for, I don't want anyone to think that they can't come to Chicago for a week to do content or any of the Chicago guys. I never understood this. What is competition? I think, I don't think. There is none.

I would like you guys to check. Even now, I don't get people's competitive outlook on the insider rivalry. What are we competing? I just want the company to succeed. What's going to happen is there will be some sponsored event, a dodgeball tournament,

that we're going to have the Chicago versus the New York offense. Oh, I don't think so. And that's going to breed some kind of competitive backstory. So chill. No, what's going to happen is the commenters are gonna be like this office sucks this office great you just gotta tune it out and be like we're all on the fucking same team and what i was really trying to say to the people that in the company is that like you shouldn't feel like you can't go back and forth between offices i i think that will hopefully always remain true, is that

if Sass and his sidekick are coming in October. You can come to our Dollar Deep Day show anytime. You're always welcome. I don't think this theoretical rivalry will be a closed door. I hope it doesn't become some kind of actual

Well, that was my point. You're not welcome type deal, but I do think that there will be mudslinging. I don't think that. Barbed, barbed shots. Sounds like you want to do that. You know me. I hate that shit.

But what? You're, like, wishing it. No, I'm just realistic. I think New York undeniably has a stacked crew, and I think... We don't do group a stacked crew. And I think... We don't do group-based things. It's going to be a lot of bonding over here. I don't know what you guys are planning over in Chicago,

but sleepovers. A lot of fishing probably here. Fishing. A lot of fishing. The line. White lines. A lot of line wetting. Our line's going to be wet the whole time.

No, no. Yeah, it is. I think what will happen is we'll see how much fun you guys are having and how much revenue you're generating, and we'll get insecure and start five sacrifices. What the fuck? Getting super neurotic and insecure about it. And then hating ourselves.

Feeling that the only way for us to stay level or even keep pace or remain relevant is to tear you guys down. And then probably creating a slew of anonymous burner accounts to say that the Chicago office isn't actually as happy as people say it is.

Or you make us feel terrible by doing like a Jonestown type thing here. I don't know what that means. What is that? I think you know. Jonestown? Oh. Forgive me for not knowing.

What is the Jonestown massacre?, Jones Town? Oh. Jones? Forgive me for not knowing. I don't know. Yeah. What is the Jones Town, Matt? I don't know Jones Town. That was a dark, weird thing to say anyway. Yeah. I don't know this one. Massive cult. Maybe you guys all kill yourselves.

They drank the Kool-Aid? That was weird. Oh. Are they the Nikes one? Uh-huh. No. What was the Nikes one? That was Heaven's Gate.

They thought the Comet. They were going to go to the... Yes. They're all wearing sick, I think Air Monarchs. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's a good way to go out.

Comfortable way to go out. I know. Air Monarchs. It's stylish too, yeah. You don't want to be going out in like construction boots. I wonder if anyone got the shoes and they were like, guys, I wouldn't hate a week in these. Yeah, like life is pretty good right now.

Yeah. I don't know. Another pup in the office. My miles gone down by like 30 seconds. Yeah. My. I don't know. Another pup in the office. My mile's gone down by like 30 seconds. Yeah. My arches don't bother me anymore. What I think will happen, too, is that, you know, we'll try that and it won't work. And then I'll just quietly arrange to move to Chicago.

Okay. Switch teams. Yep. We're all on the same team and then hairball get fucking pissed and then realize

that was the right idea all along and he'll come too no hairball no then ron will come ron will never go

if ron went i would be like yeah maybe i'll go gotta lean on ron he won't go and also i have go. If Rome went, I would be like, yeah, maybe I'll go. That's what I got Rome. They won't go. And also, I have too much goddamn business to take care of here still.

It's true. You're the king of New York. It's the culprit. Who put this dog shit here? It's such a great... Why are there so many dogs here today? I'm surprised that dog is still running wild. We all get a pup. That's not the dog that shit. In a weird way, it's kind of nice that he shits.

He's not going to shit again, right? That's the man who presents himself. Should we bring him in here? That's the dog. Is that an Australian Shepherd? Yeah. Thieve! Let him in here.

Those dogs love to run around. I love that dog. They like free reign. So friendly. Want to run for hours. Penny or Benny? Penny. I messed up the name for me.

I don't know who it is. Look, if my projection's way off, I'll back off the point. I'm sorry. What you should do is just let it play out instead of getting anxious. That goes for all the listeners too. I think it's going to be a wild adjustment

for me. You won't have to come in every day. Because my full-time job will now be reduced to... A podcast a week. An hour. I'm going to get so bored. You're going to be so good at video games. So bored.

That's my main concern. You got the sketches coming out that have been great, though. Yeah, I'm not worried about my job security because I get paid pretty much minimum wage. The podcast and the sketch show cover my salary by a lot. So I'm fine, job-wise. But I'm more worried

that I'm going to go insane because I'm just going to be sitting in my apartment. You gotta get outside. Start golfing. Try and break 90. There's nothing to do in New York. You could start doing shows on Thursday nights other places too. Yeah. You could go Thursday to Sunday.

I do that pretty much now. You do? Just like not this weekend because it's Huntsville. Didn't need to stay the extra night in Huntsville. You just get super efficient. Yeah. The one day work week by Sass. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. The sketch show we film a lot. We just banked a lot of episodes to be filmed for a whole day. When's it coming out? Next week? I think next Wednesday probably. Donnie had his latest Everest episode actually up at the base camp,

so check that out if you haven't yet. It's really good. Maybe I'll start doing some shit like that. That would be cool. Start a fishing series. What? Yeah, wet the line. Can you gut a fish?

Wait, hell no. I'm a catch and release. The fly fishing community is very catch and release. You should just steal Brandon's logo from Walk the Line. Just call it Wet the Line. Yeah. Wait, they are? It's a fishing and gambling show.

They just do it? No, I'm talking out of my ass. Oh, I was like, wait, what? I've literally been fly fishing twice. Oh, okay. Yeah. You should just travel a lot. Travel and write.

Yeah. Like write comedy. I already do that. You like to travel. Kind of. Oh. I don do that. You like to travel. Kind of. Oh. I don't know. I like to travel, like, to the woods, not to, like, cities.

That's what I'm saying. Go get a bunch of cabins every week. Yeah. Start working on my manifesto. Yeah. Send in some packages to people. Yeah. Sass's Woods Reviews.

I was late to the game on him. Hey, Kaczynski, he just died, right? Yeah. What a man. Yeah. He's he's a genius yeah freak genius did you go to harvard yep yes harvard and michigan that's where they fucked him up michigan did the experiments on him oh they did yeah it was like lsd they it was like an experiment where they were mean to him and like super mean to him and talked down on him and blah blah blah rated him non-stop. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. I didn't know that. I thought they were giving him drugs. I thought they were making him do like acid. Maybe. I don't know that part by now. Not very successful. Gets a lot of credit for failing a lot. The bombs? Most of his bombs did not work well.

Oh, really? Yeah. Most of them was like someone would get grazed on their face. Crazy that some of them worked. What the fuck was that? He's also going after weird-ass groups of people. Is he going after government? I don't even...

I think he was sending them to professors at schools. People developing technology because he thought technology was going to ruin. Oh, he's probably wasn't a big fan of AI the last couple of years. It's his own brother that caught him. Really? Yep.

I don't know anything about him. Fuck. Yeah. I just know that the Unabomber was a sick name. Yeah, it is a sick name. He was like always pen pals with his brother,

even when he like lived in the boondoggles of the woods or whatever. And his brother read the manifesto that the newspapers published and was like always pen pals with his brother even when he like lived in the boondoggles of the woods or whatever and his brother read the manifesto that the newspapers published and was like oh i recognize that oh no that style of writing oh i thought all of his manifestos were in like code and he created a whole language he sent to like the new york times the washington poster to i'm getting the newspapers wrong but he's like if you guys it's like if you don't publish these i'm to do more bombs. And they decided to publish.

They're always after the clout. Yeah, it was the clout. I always want a little clout. Can't just live in the woods and bomb people. He was kind of a little bitch too. Like him and his mom would get in fights.

Yeah. He'd be like, why don't you have a girlfriend? He'd be like, because I don't want one, mom. Because I'm busy building bombs. My last bomb didn't go off. He would go to his neighbor's house

because they had a bunch of run-down cars, right? And he would just steal parts from their cars. Use them. I'm going to read up about Ted Kaczynski. It's what a liberal education like Harvard will do to a man. I know. Williams and Harvard. Did he play sports at Harvard?

Lacrosse. He was the best player in Maine, they said. Nobody said that. Dude, you know the craziest? Remember that guy in Maine that they found who had been living there for 20 years? Super Flag. Nope. That's the basketball player.

That's the basketball player. Oh. No, I don't know. You don't know that story he was he basically he was living in seclusion in the woods he had built like in between a couple rocks like a whole little like area and he would go around in the summer or maybe the wintertime and steal from all the houses. Yes, I remember. We talked about it on here. People kind of accepted it, right? They're like, oh, the woods guy was here.

He'd just been living in seclusion by himself for 20 years, surviving winters in Maine. Wow. In the woods? No cabin or anything? Yeah. Is that illegal? He. Sounds pretty good.

Is that illegal? Yeah. Well, he was stealing a lot. Thoreau, what? He was. He like, literally people were like, yeah, he just would come. He actually would only steal like food and supplies. He wouldn't steal electronics or anything. Wasn't the whole point of Walden Pond, Walden, was that Emerson or Thoreau that he wanted to go live off the grid,

but the government came after him for not paying taxes? Oh, I didn't know that either. I think some of that is like, yeah, I think there's like, and also some of the places that they sleep, they're like, I guess they're not allowed to sleep. It's a bunch of weird shit like that. Can you look it up, TJ TJ what the guy's name was and if you have kids it's a whole other issue

yeah can't live off the grid if you have kids we used to read in school when we were kids in Maine we had to read a book called Lost on a Mountain in Maine that was a book that like every kid read and it was about a young kid who was on a

hiking trip with his family got lost and had to survive the whole winter by himself outside in the mountains. And the way that he did it, and then he eventually, when the snow melted, he walked back and found a town. And we had to read that as kids i was in third grade yeah i was thinking of hatchet we read about our kids like the plane crashes and he's got a the pilot dies what a fucking guy that guy knew how to write a book that was easy to read did you read um no that that guy that was talking about the other, the main guy. Did you read a lot of the young adults, like baseball books, sports books?

Not really. Pitcher with a Glass Arm. Casey at the Bat. Bull Catcher, Painting the Black. No. No? Did anyone read these books? My brother, there was a whole series that my brother read. They were incredible.

I read all the Gary Paulson ones, then I read all books? My brother. There was a whole series that my brother read. They were incredible. I read all the Gary Paulson ones, then I read all the I Survived. What was Gary Paulson's other one? I don't know. He had a bunch. Remember reading The Giver? The Giver. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

This is the deepest book ever. The Giver was good. It was made for 10-year-olds. I liked all of the Huckleberry Finn. Oh, I'm sure you liked some of the language in that. Oh, yeah. I liked when my English teacher would be Finn. Oh, I'm sure you liked some of the language in that. Oh, yeah. I liked when my English teacher would be like, we have to say it. We have to.

Matt Christopher sports books. Power pitcher. Catcher with a glass arm. The kid who only hit homers. The kid who only hit homers. Didn't he write Maniac McGee as well? Matt Christopher? Hockey machine.

Long shot for Paul. Wingman on ice. Jerry Spinelli wrote. Oh, Jerry Spinelli. He wrote. I always read his puberty books, which was super weird. His puberty books? His books about going through puberty.

Oh. 27 years without human interaction. Holy shit. What year was this? Sounds great. I guess he was caught 2013, so maybe not. Did it say why? Like, did he ever say, like, yeah, I just kind of, it just kind of happened one day.

Like, or was he like, no, I had a bad breakup? It's saying right there, he's saying goodbye to no one. His parents never reported him missing to police. In an interview, Knight said, I had good parents. We're not emotionally bleeding all over each other. We're not touchy-feely stoicism expected. Wait, his parents never reported him missing? They're like, I guess he's gone now.

They probably just knew he was there. Yeah. That's actually, it's pretty surprising that he lived for that. He survived that long. Yeah. Holy shit. Into the wild, doesn't that? That guy was out there for like six months and died.

Yeah. He was a game warden. He was seven months in jail so wait he's living where is he living now could be anywhere could be right in this now leads a quiet life in rural maine i feel like you gotta re-release him and if you're already in Maine, why wouldn't you just live in a cabin? Yeah. Right. Yeah, I get the whole isolation, minimalist lifestyle, but I wouldn't want to live outside in Maine.

Yeah. It's fucking freezing. 27 years without human contact is fucking nuts. I have this idyllic, probably false ideal that I could leave everything behind and move to maine and be happy on a tenth of my income and and just simplify my life i think everyone has that yeah yeah i've had that feeling many times because i i've learned that in new york you know i keep thinking that as my life gets more expensive i just have to make more money to catch up to it.

But I know that a much easier way to do it would be to make my life less expensive. When I got denied my raise and I shaved my head, I was going to do that. I was like, I'm going to go live in the woods and write poetry. And then I was like, I'm dumb and I can't do that. I read like one Jack Kerouac book and I was like, yeah, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go get drunk every day and write.

And I was like, I haven't done anything interesting that would be worth reading. See, mine is like living like Montana, but my house has like 25 TVs and like the best cable service. And I just hang out. Oh, that would be awesome. Yeah. You need to pursue something, though. Or that's when you go crazy. Yeah.

You can't just sit around. I think I could sit around. You think golf would be enough of a pursuit? Yes. No. Yes. That's not a real pursuit. Becoming a scratch golfer?

Like if I, would that be enough? Yeah. It would take, for the duration that it lasted. Probably not because then you get really good and you'd be like, guys, I'm a scratch golfer. Then you'd be like, now what? I might not ever be capable of getting to scratch. I could see myself committing 40 years to it. And it could be.

Is it enjoyable then when you're trying that or no? Good question. It probably becomes like a job if that's the only thing you're doing. I mean, like imagine

if you're consistently improving, I bet you it would be very enjoyable. Could you fish? Could you perfect your fishing for the next 40 years?

No, I'm not like actually, I'm kind of joking about the fishing stuff mostly. Oh, I thought you liked it. I do kind of joking about the fishing stuff, mostly. Oh, I thought you liked it. I do love it, but I don't go fishing a lot at all. Like, I like it probably because I don't do it a lot.

I'm sure if I fished every day for a year, I'd probably be like, this fucking sucks. What about pool? Hell no. I think golf. Yeah, I would love to play pool. Golf takes a while and you're outside. Like a recent, like soon, like a one-off thing. Hedding horses too, I could do that.

Like if I could live like near a track and just go to the horse track every day, I could absolutely just sit there and just gamble all day. I think it's got to be something that's not expensive because— Well, I'd win. Wow. Yeah, no, I— That's what Charles Bukowski did. Listen, I've thought many times about retirement and that I need enough money that I can lose

it all. That's what Stu's going to do. Yeah, Stu's done that like six times. Stu said he's not leaving any money for his kids and he's and he's trying to spend all of his money before he dies i believe it i get that not i get not leaving money for your kids but i think leaving money for your grandkids is a noble thing leaving money for their college education or their you know yeah i mean i think i think purposely spending all of your money so that your kids can't have any money is an insane thing to do.

Isn't Bill Gates doing that? That would piss me off so much. He left them like $10 million each. That would drive me nuts. I don't think it was. Like, Dad, give me $100 million. Fuck you. Yeah.

I think they'd be happier with 10 though you remember from the um aaron hernandez documentary there was a phone call that he had with his mother that to this day is seared into my memory where they had recorded it somehow and she was saying why can't you just spare a million dollars? Yeah. Why can't you just give me a million dollars? And he goes, Mom, you think I just have a million dollars or something? Wait, is he from Boston? I don't remember. Yeah, no, I think he was from up in there. He had a white mom with a Boston accent?

Mom that would talk that way, yeah. Yeah, she had an accent. Yeah. That's like a million-dollar baby type mom. It broke my heart. It was really sad. Yeah. Yeah. She had an accent. Yeah. That's like a million dollar baby type mom. It broke my heart. It was really sad. Yeah. A million would never

suffice. Oh exactly. If you have a mouse a crumb they're going to want a cookie. Right. Truth. Facts.

I think all those Learning Channel lotto shows they like 90 percent of them are broke by the end of the episode. Big Cat, if you did that and moved to Montana and just gambled on sports, would you be able to ration your...

No. Because probably you'd have to gamble enough that you almost wouldn't care about at this stage. But you have to project. No. No. No. Yeah, I don't know what I would do. I don't know if I would live in New York.

I would need someone to control. Basically, to live my perfect retirement life, I need to be in a conservatorship like Britney. Or like Clay Thompson. Give me a certain amount of money every year that I can lose. Allowance. Yeah, but I can live. or like they like give me a certain amount of money every year that i can lose allowance yeah but i can live but i'm also pissed if i lose it because i'm like no i can't get any more until next year i would do that for you if you ever i appreciate that i appreciate that that would be

sick that would be cool my grandfather when he was very old before he died like would just get scammed every day writing into shit like you gotta do like the what was the what was the thing that's gonna feel so good when you like get somebody yeah i mean he would just get scammed all the time like he uh well what's the clearinghouse millionaires or something publishers clear yeah he would just write that in and just like be like i'm gonna get it i'm gonna get it he just would get i'm so like pro that yeah yeah oh he got fine with scam left and right trying to make like a quick buck at the end of his life scamming should be legal yeah because it takes you know if you're good enough to do it right

and there's and like he didn't care he was like a year away from dying he was just like i think i think he was like should be like a dying. He was just like, I think, I think he was like, he'd be like a sport. He still had like cognitive ability where he was like, I know there's probably a scam, but I would love if it wasn't. Yeah. Like just keep taking shots. I got a scam.

It's not really a scam. It's, it's a hack. Yesterday before the comedy show, I had some time to kill but i was in the neighborhood and i wanted a drink but i didn't want to pay for one because things aren't really going that well financially right now oh what happened uh my wife lost her job and then i don't know anyway chicago it's cheaper i know i'm'm trying to get fucking Ronan Sass to come. I got too much business to take care of here. So he plays Call of Duty for 12 hours.

I don't play video games anymore. That would be funny if you're just like, I'm taking care of business, guys. Oh, no. In September. September is the start date of taking care of business. We've been on a break from video games but september is when we get going again oh hell yes he's got a lot of wars to fight buddy literally called me and he was like can you play uh video games in september

i was like the whole month i was like what do you mean like can i yeah i can play i'm sure there's one day in september where i'll be able to play video games so wait what were you saying? Do you play Warzone? Yeah, but we're going to move on from that. I read that blog

someone wrote about like a $160,000 knife that someone found in a box. CSGO. Kareem wrote that blog. Yeah. Oh, that's CSGO.

What's that? Counter-Strike Global Offensive. Oh, sorry. Oh, okay. It has like a real marketplace for its in-game skins and some of the prices. Sounds kind ofensive. Oh, sorry. It has a real marketplace for its in-game skins and some of the prices. Wait, the knife that was found was virtual?

Yes. Oh my god. And there's, because of the rarity, there's very detailed, there's a thousand different pattern types for each knife. Each knife has a 1 in 400 chance of pulling it out of a case. It's very like, there's decades of history behind it, but some of the knives go over a case. It's very like, there's like decades of history behind

it, but some of the knives go over a million dollars. This is a fake knife on a screen. What do you mean decades of history? Well, CSGO's a huge game. The game's been out since like the early 2000s. Oh. It's like one of the bigger games. Like, that's not something you can pass on to your grandkids. Like, what do you do?

You transfer them on their Steam account. There's implied rarity. I guess it's just like collecting Pokemon cards or something. CSGO is a whole world that you guys have. It's huge. And it's international. It's more popular in Europe and South America than it is in America.

It's crazy Yeah Well the hack was Yeah Oh yeah I went to Brunello Cucinelli You know that clothing store? You know it?

No I mean it's It's gotta be one of the most expensive clothing stores on earth T-shirts are $600. Nice ass shirts. It's crazy. The clothes are so nice. Never bought anything from there.

And if you go in and you start trying stuff on, they say, would you like a drink? And you say, sure. And they've got really good drinks. I mean, they can make you a really good cocktail at this clothing store. And they have nice dark chocolate with almonds in it. They have dried apricots.

They have cheese. Pellegrino. You just did all of this? I had it because I tried on enough clothes. That is a good idea. But I thought a lot of those, is it Louis Vuitton where they give you like champagne but you have to buy something, I think? You don't have

to buy it. You don't have to buy anything. You just have to make it. Were they mad when you left? I told them I wanted them to hold the clothes that I had tried on. Oh my God. And I have until tomorrow. That is a good scam. You also have to fit the part. I was going to say, would it work?

I was dressed just I was dressed just well enough that I thought I could do it. I was going to say, they wouldn't do that for us, right? No, not you guys. Okay. How much are these shirts? What is a $1,000 shirt? What's so special about the shirt? They're just handmade in Italy.

It's like you try them on and you feel different. And people would look at you walking down the street and be like, that's a Brunelli check shirt. You know what? I guess their big thing is like layering. And they'll do, you know, a nice collared shirt under a cashmere sweater under a vest. And when you see it on the mannequin, you think, oh my God, that is the coolest, nicest outfit. If I ever saw a guy wearing that, I would think he was so handsome. Why would you want to wear something like that?

Just to look nice. I don't know. But that's my point. I've never bought anything there. I don't think I intend to ever buy anything from there. But I had the idea to go in there for a drink. That's a good idea. I'm going to a bar next door where I would have paid $38 for two drinks.

It's a good hack. It's a good hack you know? It's a good hack. It's a good hack. Yeah. It's a good hack. And it was air-conditioned and comfortable. The couches were suede. Yeah, it was really nice. I'm kind of dealing with an issue right now

where one side of my couch has become a little lopsided because I sit in the exact same spot on my couch and now there's an indent in the couch. You got the Homer Simpson butt groove going. You should mix that up. How do you fix that? Can you switch the cushions? Sit in a different spot.

I tried, and then I was like, yeah, but this isn't nearly as comfortable as my spot. Flip the cushion. Oh, okay. Try that. Yeah. I fell asleep on my couch last night. You did? Yeah, I woke up at 6 a.m.

Yeah, that hurts. Fuck. That hurts. That hurts. And I moved back on my couch last night. You did? Yeah, I woke up at 6 a.m. Yeah, that hurts. Fuck. That hurts. That hurts. And I moved back to my bed. You just feel like such a shithead. Yeah. You know the moment before you fall asleep, you're like, I should get up.

I'll be fine. I won't fall asleep. Yeah. Fuck. I remember closing my eyes and being like, damn, I'm tired. It makes you feel like such a weak man, too. I woke up six hours later. You do the long blink and you're like, nah, nah, I'm good.

I'll just close my eyes for a second. Yeah. Always a reason. I do that driving. Oh, dude, I've done that driving, too. Super scary. Very scary. There's a couple times I've been very tired and scary.

Yeah. And all of a sudden you kind of wake up and you're like, ah. Very scary. There's a couple times it's been very tired and scary. And all of a sudden you kind of wake up and you're like, ah! Still going. The craziest part is you literally say to yourself this will be fine for just a few. It feels so good. It's that feeling of like the worst situation

to do that. Thriving. Also bad was high school class. Class was bad. Every time I used to go over to my friend's house and watch a movie I would fall asleep. It's like a car with somebody driving

that you don't know that well. Movies sucks too. On the beach where people are drinking. Someone's going to teabag you. Yeah, couch on a bachelor party. At like 11pm being like, I just need like 5 minutes. I got teabag you. Yeah, couch on a bachelor party. Yeah, someone will teabag you. Like 11 p.m. being like, I just need like five minutes. I got teabagged on the beach, and I remember waking up, and everyone was laughing, and I looked up, and there was testicles right next to me. And I remember thinking like, wow, I can't believe that guy did that.

Yeah, that's insane. Teabagging is what I don't do. I don't know him that well. Yeah. It's crazy to me. I've fallen i've fallen asleep in some bad some bad spots i'm trying to i'm trying to think of when oh i fell asleep in an uber uh like two weeks ago drunk i did that on the subway yeah where i just like just i just need

a minute yeah i was i was out in uh queens and i was and i was ubering back and i and i fell asleep and i woke up and the guy was like, we're here. And he was like, is this it? And I didn't even look and I just got out. I was like, yeah, thank you. And I felt like a fucking moron. You were in Queens? Yeah.

Damn. I do it with like when I'm like taking care of my kids and I'll be like, I should close my eyes for a second. And then I wake up and I'm like, where the fuck are they? I got in like college summer break. I was home and a group should close my eyes for a second. And then I wake up and I'm like, where the fuck are they? I got in college summer break.

I was home and a group of us went down the Jersey Shore. And you know those smaller trucks where there's two people squished in those little side seats in the back? Yeah, all those are terrible. I was in one of those on the way home. I hate those. And the driver fell asleep at the wheel and we hit a telephone pole going like, I don't know. What? Yeah.

That was the most hate story ever. Like 45 miles an hour. And I was in the back. And the guy next to me had whatever. And before the cops got there, our big thing was we had to hide the weed. We had to hide the weed. So it was the whole thing. Holy shit, Kate.

Well, I was fine. That's important. But I was like the only one that didn't have to get ambulanced away. Damn. They were like very injured injured and hiding weed. Well, what they said was that safe to solve was that all four of us in the truck were asleep when we hit the pole, including the driver. And they said we were so relaxed probably that we just like, whatever.

Oh my God. All four of us? We were all, everybody. That's actually not on the driver. That's on everyone else. Yeah. Because you've been in those situations where you're tired. You're like, someone has to stay up with me.

Shout out Al. All four people being asleep in a movie vehicle is insane. You think they're like CO2 leases. Imagine driving by that car. Wait, was everyone asleep? Everyone was asleep. Every single person's just asleep. Everyone probably felt so good.

What are they listening to? That was the best doze off of all time. The last one fell asleep. It was so peaceful. Going 45 miles per hour. I was sober. I don't remember it at all because I was asleep. I just remember waking up and the smell of the airbags and being super crunched in.

What do the airbags smell like? Terrible. Like super burnt popcorn. Yeah, they're all old as shit, too. And the whole truck was filling with smoke because of the airbags, and that was the part that I was like, I thought the truck was on fire. But it was just the smoke from the airbags though i've almost fallen asleep in a car like i've had to like fight the urge to fall asleep because i knew the driver was going to fall asleep if i fell asleep right i was when i was out in colorado and we went on a hike and we left at

like 4 a.m because i guess you gotta you gotta like summit by like noon or else it gets like super windy up there and we were going back and we were like out drinking the night before and we were all like exhausted yeah and the street that we were going back and we were like out drinking the night before and we were all like exhausted. Yeah. And the street that we were driving, we were literally driving like down a mountain for like an hour

and there's no guardrail and the side is just death. It's just a cliff. Like you will die. And we're, everyone's asleep and my buddy's like, I'm so fucking tired, dude.

And I was like about to fall asleep and I was like, yeah, I gotta stay awake. Jesus. That would be a rough one. Waking up midair. Holy shit. All right, all right.

I have a question. I think about this all the time. If you drove your car off of a bridge, why do you die? What do you mean? Well, do you die from your car hitting the water? Yeah. Probably.

Or from the car drowning and you can't get out? Depends on how high the bridge is. But, like, here's my question. So let's say that the car landed wheels down. You're sitting in a comfortable car seat. Yeah, but it's... Well, water at that height is no different than, like, concrete.

Like cement. I guess. Like dropping you off like the Empire State Building. A lot of these physics questions I struggle with, so I don't... When we were in San Francisco,

Francis and me were looking at the San Francisco Bridge, or the... Golden Gate Bridge. The Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah, it's pretty famous. And Francis was like, I'm pretty sure I could

jump off of that and survive. There have been people who have done that. Yeah, there have been. We had, like, a 30-minute conversation. jump off of that and survive. There have been people who have done that. Yeah, there have been. Like a 30-minute conversation. Oh, yeah, I would. There's suicide. Suicide jumpers have survived.

Yeah. It's just, I think it's about how you enter the water. Yeah. You got to do the all fours that people are doing. Well, speaking of, I'm glad you brought that up. What the fuck is that? I don't know. What are you talking about?

I don't know, but it's trend. Everyone does it. How is going in the water like... Basically go like this. Pretending like they're going to belly flop. Wouldn't your neck just snap if you did that? That's happening in that TikTok trend. Oh, yeah, the jumping off the fast boats.

Oh, yeah. But wait, I haven't seen this. Okay, you'll see. You'll find it, TJ. These guys are going in the water, and they go like they're going to belly flop, and at the last second, they bring their things in, and then they just – I don't – They're landing on their –

Isn't that in your face? Are you talking about the death diving? I don't know, but it's become a trend with, like, everyone. I've seen it a ton. The whole discover is people cliff jumping, and you think – The last second. You think they're going to jump in.

No, not that. That's too many flips. I don't know how a pencil dive isn't just the safest option. That's what I would have thought. You just pierced the water. That's how I thought we were supposed to do it. I think maybe it's getting a little bit more surface area to pierce the water. I don't know. Well, then if you don't stop yourself

too quickly once you hit the water, you can go down too fast and crack your eardrums. Yeah, that could be why penthouse. Yeah, maybe that's why. It screws you up. Yeah, because you can't stop yourself. You go down fast with a penthouse. Everything.

Yeah. Yes, you do. Can I go back to this question about the car really quick? Because. Here's. Oh, yeah. Let's see this. Yeah, that's exactly it.

That's what they do. They punch the water. Watch. Right there. That's how they let it go. Oh, and, let's see this. Yeah, that's exactly it. That's what they do. They punch the water. Watch. Right there. That's how they go. Oh, and that feels better? I guess so. What?

Right there, yeah. That's how they do it. I still don't... Okay. This is a big trend. It is. I've noticed it everywhere. Every single time someone jumps in,

it doesn't even have to be that high, they'll do it. It's like so far from the edge of the water, too. Yeah, this is crazy. That seems bad. See, right at the end. He's doing a little sloppy, though. I've seen it much tighter. Interesting.

I gotta pee. Anyway, all right i guess if i just think if you had a really cushioned seat you had your seat belt on and the car went into the water the right way the car is not disintegrating on impact why are you dying if someone is drowning i think i think it is a certain amount of height the the water just becomes concrete but like i get that if it's your body but if you dropped if you were sitting in a car and you dropped off the entire state building onto concrete the car would disintegrate yeah exploded a million pieces and you would no longer have a cushioned leather chair to absorb your fall.

It's like you're falling on a mattress or something. I think that might happen from high enough on water. Right. I don't know. All right. I'm sure. I know I'm wrong. I just don't know why I'm wrong.

It depends on the angle. It depends on the... I don't know. That's what I wanted't know why I'm wrong. It depends on the angle. It depends on the... I don't know. That's what I wanted to know. Water is like concrete at a height of around 100 meters or 300 feet. Water's surface tension is so strong. Huh. That's got to be super avoidable to not drive off a bridge well a lot of those i mean sometimes you

know what the scariest bridge to drive across in new york is the verizono yeah because i want to look at the view yeah but if i look at the view i start wavering out of my lane it gets windy as hell up there super windy your whole car is shaking around. I drive off the Verrazano. I'm not sure that the seats of my car are saving me. No, I don't think so. Definitely not. That's trouble. That's big trouble. TJ, you want to spin the wheel?

Yeah, we should shout out that. Oh, yeah. Play that video for people who missed it. There's a camp for kids with cancer and they have the wheel. They're playing the yak wheel. It's called happiness is camping dot org. And it's a free summer camp for kids age six to 15 with cancer in Hardwick, New Jersey.

And they they spun the wheel and they have to do stinky clap now. They spin every day for who gets to eat lunch first or who go to lunch first and they have wet on the wheel. That's awesome. Yeah, I guess all summer they were waiting to land on wet and then finally. Finally. It's so awesome. That looks fun as hell, that camp.

This is great. Oh. Count us down. Three, two, one. Oh, that's awesome. What a cool camp. Shout out those guys. Happiness Camp.

There's the Venmo. I'm going to hit that up right now. Happiness is camping. So anyone who wants to hit the Venmo. That's super cool. Wait, they use the very same wheel that you guys use? I think they made their own with wet on it. They tagged us.

Happiness is camping. Did hashtag some things? Yeah. All right. Let's donate. Very cool. Just going to go to some random guy. I'll pick up my phone.

I guess that's obligatory. You got me? Jeffrey coming. When you donate, I said wet wheel. When you donate, does it show the price by your name? You can do private. I always do private. But if you do it public, does it show the price? I don't know.

I don't know why anyone would ever do Venmo public. No, I'm always so embarrassed by it. I always see that. It's like a feed. It's insane. What are you doing? Why would you do that? I don't think private was an option for a while. It was all public for a while. No, people are like

doing their like them and their girlfriend. When I see like spouses and stuff, I'm like, what's going on? Sass, I owe you for that Red Bull. What do you want? Shout out your Venmo. Hell no. No. Last thing I need

is people requesting me money. They might give you some. I don't need money. Jack McCarthy paid Spider for pizza. I get that a lot. I'm just requesting for money. I get people requesting

for money all the time. Never mind. I can't. Weird. Ever since the milk episode, I'll get a random like Friday night Venmo request

for like $100 from a fan. Be like, can you help me out? I get those too. I remember when I was in high school.

I was on Twitter and I had my Venmo in my bio. And my mom didn't know that I had a big following on Twitter. She saw my Venmo, and she thought I was a drug dealer. Oh, yeah. She was like, why are all these people sending you money? And I was like, I had to break her the news, break her the terrible news. It's tough to break.

I'm a micro-celebrity mom. That's pretty good. A kid I knew in high school who made all the fake IDs for everyone. Yeah. He made a ton of money. And he was buying really high-end shit. Yeah. One day his parents walked into his bedroom and he had like a new TV and a new Xbox.

And they were like, there's just no way you made this as a lifeguard. Yeah. I mean, what's going on? Like, is it that $4,000 printer you got in the corner? Does that have something to do with it? That is definitely something that I would buy. What? It's a nice printer yeah well no the

printer was to make the fake oh shit it was that easy to make them oh yeah i think so yeah i don't know what it is now because they've done a really good job of making them very difficult but like when i was in college it wasn't that hard it's so i used to have fakes that worked i oh i had back in 2004 i had a couple fakes that were. Oh, I had a- That was back in 2004. I had a couple fakes that were awesome. Yeah, I remember that one. I could have given them to like TSA. I had a fake that-

My buddies and I had fake IDs that one of them gave it to a cop. And it was fine. That's crazy. All of our- I got all mine taken. In Madison, they used to do- It sucked. They would just do it randomly, and it would be like once or twice a month,

cops would just show up to a bar and close the front door and turn on the lights and just be like everyone take out your id oh i remember they would do it at the end of the month yeah they'd like their quota yeah yeah so one of my buddies actually gave the fake id and was fine yeah i think my one of my worst fake id experiences is when i got in trouble and I was with Roan and his wife. And I felt so bad. I was like, they don't need to be dealing with this shit at all. They're 10 years past it. How much trouble did you get in?

Dude, we were going to a bar in Nashville. And we were going to like a concert venue that Roan had like an in at. And he didn't have to buy tickets. And we show up and they're doing ID. This is when they're doing IDsids and vaccination cards oh yeah and i photoshopped my vaccination card to match the birthday of my id and that was the big one that was what they were really hung up on like they so he takes the id and my phone and he's like he's we're outside and he goes inside with my phone and the id that's a bad feeling. And then they come out.

They call me in. There's a massive line behind me. And I'm holding up the whole line. And he's like, so the ID's fake. He's like, what we're really hung up on is why the vaccination card matches the ID. And I was like, yeah. I was like, I was like I have no idea like what do you say

in that scenario I photoshopped it yeah and he was like and he's like threatening me being like you like this is like

super illegal like identity theft fraudulent ID like all this shit and then yeah and then they were like you can go in

but you can't he took the ID they gave us the X's and then Ronan got us drinks. It was with me and my buddy and Ronan's wife. And he got us drinks, and then they hunted us down. The dude was literally on the catwalk above the stage looking at us. And then I just felt a shoulder on my arm when they kicked us all out. Yeah.

That sucks. I had been in that scenario so many times of being in that scenario with someone older people yeah 10 years past the point where they have to even think about a fake id and like we're all getting kicked out because of me and my friend i think it's worse for them i just felt bad i was like this is like yeah that's brutal that used to happen all the time like i first two years i lived here i had to I couldn't go anywhere I had to have a fake ID That sucks I got ID'd the other day

For buying Zin And the guy was like I'm gonna make sure And I was like I'm 20 years past 20 That guy loves his job I've lived more than half my life

Past 18 years old My mom got ID'd When she was buying me Modern Warfare 3 At Best Buy when she was buying me Modern Warfare 3 at Best Buy. And she was furious. Your mom does look incredible.

Mom's in her mid-50s and they were ID'ing her to buy an M-rated video game. Then you have the opposite. We went to Vegas for a Canelo fight. It was me, Dave, I can't remember who else was at the table with uh for i think it was a canelo fight it was like me dave i can't remember who else was at the table with us like robbie i can't like there was a few of us and they just went around and id'd everyone beat me and dave yeah we're just like fuck yeah this sucks

i when my first time buying condoms in high school at it was at kroger and i tried to use the self checkout but it rings them up you have to have an ID for condoms? That can't be a thing still. Wait, what? So yeah, one of the employees had to come ring it up for me. That sucks. Why would you want kids not to be able to buy condoms?

I think they changed that law. I think I remember that being a thing. That's some backward shit. You really had to have an ID for condoms? They should actually ID you for condoms and be like, you're older than 25, dude. You can't pull out. I think I tried again later in life at CVS,

and it notes the, like, you can't do it yourself. Condoms and five-hour energy. You just can't buy. Imagine them IDing you, and you're 30, and then a clown comes out and is like, you're going to fuck with a raincoat on, bro? Yeah. Like, just fucking heckles you.

Loser. I bought condoms for the first time probably eight years before I was sexually active. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a while before. Having a condom before you knew what you had in it. And I just had it in my wallet in, like, algebra class. Dude, I remember. You never know what's going to happen, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a week before. Having a condom before you knew what you had in it. And I just had it in my wallet in, like, algebra class. Dude, I remember.

You never know what's going to happen, dude. Dude, I remember putting on a condom when I was, like, 14 and being like, this is cool. I mastered it with a condom on. I cranked off into a condom once, and I was like, this thing works. I remember, like, trying to convince myself that it felt good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, this is crazy. Yeah, I get it.

It's so much cleaner than that. Especially if you buy the original Trojan condoms. Dude, they're like this thick. Yeah. You can't feel anything. Or there's the lubed up ones. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man. I didn't know what to do with it, so I hid it under my bed. I was like, what if my mom finds it in the trash? She's going to think I'm fucking. Yeah. I'd rather her think that than me being like, yeah, I was jerking off with condoms on. Yeah, but that's one of those ones that parents always know. If they found it, they'd be like, oh, Sass fucking jerked off in a condom.

It's like you think when you're a kid You're getting so much over on your parents And they do everything Everything Watched a movie scene where a guy opens a condom with one hand Spent like six months just trying to practice That rocks I think back all the times when I like drunk or high and being like oh my parents didn't know it's like of course they did be so easy to figure out dude my move anytime i

was anytime i was drunk i would come home and i would i think i've talked about this before but i would just downplay how much fun i had yeah i would i would get home and my parents would be like how was it and i I'd be like, terrible. It just wasn't. I just didn't have a good time. I was like, all my friends, they're going down a bad path. Like trying to convince them so hard that I had such a bad time. Right.

That they wouldn't believe that I was drinking. Right. And then you went to your bedroom and your parents were like, well, he's hammered again. Dude, I remember getting so fucked up in high school and being, my dad would come pick me up and it would be like I was in a video game in his car. It felt like I was at 9G's driving. Right, yeah. My head spread.

And he knew the entire time that you were fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. All right, spin our wheel, TJ. It's been a great yak, guys. it's been a great yak guys a blast really loosened it up who's here tomorrow me

I am I'm not I don't think I am tomorrow well if you're here you're welcome on appreciate it anything else that we missed? A lot. No, nothing for me.

Let's play one round of sport. Yeah. Let's go one round of sport. Yeah, I'm down. Come on. Today was the year to the date of the Joe Montana catch. Yes. That long ago?

Yes. That's nuts. I know. Some of these Yak anniversaries are popping up, and I'm like, what? Was it two or one year? One year. Oh, that feels like a year. I feel like that was six months.

I feel like that was right before Christmas break. The video, I watched it again this morning when it popped up, and it made me laugh so hard because the angle of the camera captures Joe Montana holding the M&M so perfectly. It's just so dumb. It's still very funny. You wore the shirt yesterday, Jay, I think. I wore it this week, I think. Yeah.

We also have a radar gun now, if you ever want to do anything with that. I found a radar gun in the bins the other day. Definitely do something with that. Yeah. Okay, here we go. One sparkle. One term used for adult men who like My Little Pony.

Two parents of Maya Hawk. Three players on Knicks in original NBA Jam. Four Hebrew letters on dreidel. Five ingredients in Carr's trail mix. Seven players to catch the most TD pass for Tom Brady. Seven top-selling Ben & Jerry flavors 2022. Eight former HBO drama shows with five or more seasons. Nine reindeer to pull Santa's sleigh. Ten Axis power states in World War II.

This is a good one. I think this is really good. This is tough. All right, Sass. I guess I'll go with I didn't read them before. I'll go with Rob Gronkowski. Nice. Maybe. Oh, man.

What are the... Yeah, I can't read these. You want to switch? Come on, dude. Why wouldn't you offer? I wasn't read these. You want to switch? Come on, dude. Why wouldn't you offer? I wasn't paying attention. Julian Edelman, though. Julian Edelman.

Go to that chair. I bet you could still. Who's Maya Hawke? I don't know. Superhero? All right. I have a guess, but I don't want to guess on something. Let's go with Sopranos.

I'll go with Uma Thurman. Oh. Nice. Adult men who like My Little Pony. That is a brony. I got it. I got it. It's probably the plural that they're looking for. Oh, yeah.

N-I-E-S? With an S on the end, maybe? An S, yeah. There it is. What's his name? Rudolph. Dasher. Ethan Hawke?

That's what I figured. I didn't know they were married. Yeah, they were for a bit there. Prancer. Dancer. Vixen. Vixen. Ian, probably.

What's going on? Cupid. Game of Thrones. Comet. Comet. Blitzen. Ooh. Reindeer's almost cleared. I don't know this.

Um. Cherry Garcia. Um. Five ingredients and what does that say? Trail mix. I'm going to go with M&M's. It's going to need an ampersand probably. There you go. Let's go fish food.

PH. PH. Okay. I'll go with Axis Power. Italy. Nice. I'm letting the other guy off the hook there Donner Close out the reindeer

I wasn't certain about the reindeer Okay This is good We're doing well boys Good shit Longest I've ever That sounded awkward Why would I say that

Tonight Dough Damn that was gonna be the one that I I can't imagine that's I see it in all the stores though The O-U-G-H Oh that's not a popular one No it is

Wow That one's super popular I can't believe that What you mean Um Peanuts Randy Moss Okay Germany Randy Moss.

Okay. Germany. Yeah. That's a good one. That's number one. First answer. Japan. Japan. Amendola.

Oh, fuck. I don't think so. This is going to be tough. Don't look at me like that, Steven. All right, KB's out. Raisins. Dion Branch. I think Sex and the City.

Oh, nice. I wonder if they'll... And? I'm so mad that I'm blanking on HBO as hard as I am. No. I guess not. No way. I'm surprised. Wasn't that HBO?

Technically, they're in, like, season eight now. Yeah. Did you spell out and? Not HBO? I'm looking at the answers. It's not HBO? The original Sex and the City is on HBO. It's not on this end.

The reboot is a different title. Yeah, now, yeah. It's pretty good. Just like that. But the original Sex and the City, there were not more than four seasons. I don't know, but it's not on the answers. I'm looking at that. Be damned.

I don't know if it would be considered a drama. I think that might be a comedy. Oh, I didn't even read drama. My fault. Yeah, that could be it. Was that mad funny? It's a great show. I'm going to go with, this is probably wrong, but I think it's sunflower seeds.

The salty little sunflower seeds in the trail mix. You're right. Yeah, that is it. I was kidding. Shit. Ah, damn it. KB gotcha ass. What are those little seeds called?

I thought they were for real. Gotcha ass. What are those called? Gotcha ass. I'm they were for real. What are those called? I'm going to go with almonds. Oh, of course it's almonds. Alright, so it's just me and you, Sass. Yeah, but I'm done. I don't have anything else.

The wire. There were that many other bad guys in World War II? What about true blood? You're out. I know. Yeah, but we're still going. I'm going to go with True Blood. That's yours. Six feet under? I was thinking six feet under, too. Is he still in?

Yes, I skipped him, though. No, I didn't. It was his turn. Did True Blood work or no? Oh, it did? That's yours. Oh, fuck you. Alright. now oh did that's yours yeah oh fuck you all right uh a miracle dream wow good pull no i should have done true blood i'm gonna go with six feet under this is bullshit i don't

know if that's right i don't know if that had more than four seasons. You were looking it up. I wasn't binding. What a win. What a win. What a first win. That's it? Yeah.

Wow. Wow. Steven, was Mike Evans on there? Definitely. Hit it. What's the Ben and Jerry's flavor? It's banana with chocolate chip. What is that called? Funky monkey? Yeah, that's it. Everything but the Ben and Jerry's flavor? It's banana with chocolate chip. What is that called? Funky monkey?

Yeah, that's it. Everything but the kitchen. Funky monkey. And then there's Chubby Hubby is another one. You can show the answers. Larry Johnson? Oh, Wes Welker. That's an easy one. Fuck.

Oh, Big Love. Boardwalk Empire. TikTok's been showing me the whole seasons of Big Love again. Taco Fudge, Brownie. Mormons. Oz. All right, Sass won. Way to go, Sass.

You do. Nothing I'm not used to. Winning. Instantly striving for greatness. Yeah. Exceeding the expectations See you everyone tomorrow Alrighty We'll see you guys on Monday

See you on Monday It's the act It's the act We'll see you next time. Happy birthday, Tater Tot.