The Yard - Ep. 105 - We stayed at the WORST REVIEWED RESORT in the World

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

This week, the boys are live from Fête 3 in the UK! The boys talk about Miles being followed by sheep at 2am, the mysterious resort of Pontins, and how Antonio's pizza is the best food around...

Not my best clap. Not my best clap. Not your best clap. Usually, usually you also don't clap well. Ooh, well, okay. That's what everyone says. It's rough. He's only been sleeping 13 hours a well. Ooh, well, okay. That's what everyone says. It's rough. He's only been sleeping 13 hours a night.

Yeah. Sorry. It's been so good. Oh, it's been good? Yeah. I got two of the beds in my ponton's apartment, and I pushed them together to make a mega bed. Which is actually just a full-size bed?

Which is just a regular-size bed for a normal human. It might not even be a queen. Do you guys know in The Sims how when you have, worst quality stuff, they have to be on it longer? Like 13 hours here on these mattresses is just like a regular night's sleep. So here we are. Welcome to beautiful Pontins. Hey, everyone out there. Pontins.

Do you have a bed that's maybe a little too comfortable? Maybe not haunted by enough clowns in your life well you does your electricity go out and you there is a machine inside of your cupboard that you can pay with to make the electricity come back do you not have that

uses like a street fighter cheat code enter system yeah you have to press B three times well come on down to Ponton's Resort in Camber Sands England come the sense where you

can use a shower with two temperature settings no in-between blue and red Did the shower looks like a vending like a mini vending machine? It looks like you have to put coins in it It looks like it can be a token. It looks like it spits out Kirby's the first day I was I was taking a shower and I was flicking it back in between cold and warm to keep it at the temperature I wanted that's so insane. Oh, there's tech there. Yeah The two reds do you know did you figure out the two reds? Do you know, did you figure out what that means? The two reds is the hottest. Is the hottest.

Okay. It like scalds you. It's red, two reds, and then off. And then, and then middle red is like barely warm. So you have two, you're basically taking a cold shower. So you have to rotate between burning your skin off and- Yeah, there's actually, there's a player here who lives in Canberra. He's super good at it. He's like the number one seed in showering it's called temp bouncing so okay for context we're here at what is called pontins it is a resort we're also with our good friend donald benson and you don't have to click out because ludwig's not here you can stay with us no one has no one has ever done this forever here at points yeah he's at pontins buried underneath the pavement his bones he'll never leave his bones are fueling us.

So this is a, we're at a melee tournament called Fate, and it's an EU tournament that has a lot of players from Europe and America. And Australia. Top 8's happening right in a little bit, and this is an amusement park that has been built what appears to be 60 years ago. Amusement park is such a strong word. Yeah, yeah, it's a park, for sure. Dude, they got

projects i don't know if the camera shot well there's footage we'll show you guys but there's definitely like we could we could sell crack in these towers they actually filmed the wire right over there this will be an interesting episode because i actually went around with miles on the pedal bikes we got a little story about that and uh i just filmed the entire park so as we talk about it archie you can just put videos up of the things we're referencing because I need people to understand

what this place is like. It's like this just, it's just this fusion, it's this startling like fusion between Chuck E. Cheese and Concentration Camp. Yeah,

it does look like this is a place, so this actually seems like a place when the apocalypse happens, we can compound here. We can build steel walls and line them with rail guns. Dude, there already is steel walls.

We'll get into how me and Josh got here, but we came in very late at night on foot across fields. Go ahead. On foot is not an exaggeration. The main thing, I think a beautiful thing. It's funny because it's right behind the camera, but they have these like animals that like represent pontins and there's posters of them everywhere they all have names there's there's an eagle a crocodile a zebra and a monkey and it's basically it's basically what five nights at freddy's is about it's eerily close someone someone came up to me at this event and said hey look it's the yard podcast and pointed at those four characters. We did a little tag yourself.

And I was like, it's pretty accurate. The order inside, it's the really gay looking bird first. So Aiden. And then it's the crocodile, which is the main character, which is Ludwig. And then the only one that doesn't really work is the zebra for me. But then the fourth one's a monkey. No, the zebra does work for you. It's just on the same spot.

Because I got black, I got white, what you want. No, because, yeah, look, you can see, it's right over there. Oh, yeah, it is right there. Yeah, the zebra is... The zebra. It's just on the same spot. Because I got black, I got white, what you want. No, because, yeah, look. Look, you can see. It's right over there. Oh, yeah, it is right there. Yeah, the zebra is... The zebra has the best hair. Honestly, drop the pink belt and it's naked. The shorts, yeah.

Yeah, like hide beast, like piece of shit. The pink belt makes it annoying. Yeah, so that's basically... I was going to say, I'm not the fucking... I'm not the bird, and then I'm like... I got my nails painted and my glitter done. Yeah, you got the Merlot on your fingers. And there's obviously a monkey named Chuckles Who gets up into all kinds of shit

So that's pretty much me I'm a Chuckles main for sure But okay so we came here There is a tournament going on in the big venue And it's actually pretty spacious It's musty it's probably the mustiest one But that's not anyone's fault except Europe Who doesn't use AC

It's the mustiest tournament of all time, for sure. It's their fault for not using AC. It's no one in their's fault for the must. And so that's happening, and yeah, we've just been hanging out. And we have these weird little fucking apartments that are like, not hotel rooms, and not quite like dorms. They're apartments.

And they're so... I went into mine, and all of the kitchen appliances were just open. So the fridge was like fully Defrosted and like the oven has been open for a while. You didn't pay your daily power bill You have to tap up so you have every room There's no Wi-Fi every room has a power meter that you have to tap up by Put it like scanning a QR code with your phone Going to a website and then putting money into the meter so that your room has power.

I put 40 bob in. And then also, so this is yesterday morning, because when we got to the room, some power was paid for, like a pound's worth. Yeah. So it lasts the day. And the next morning, I want to shower, and I'm in the room brushing my teeth, and Joshy's just so insistent that he wants to shower first. Comes into the room. Never let him shower first, by the way. Takes his shorts down so that I can see all of his god fucking hairy ass.

His bare, hairy Greek ass. It is so hairy. Yeah. And he's like, he's starting to, he's like, I'm going to pop a ball out. I'm going to, if you don't, if you don't. Josh has weird balls, too, if you guys don't know, which you probably wouldn't. Why would they know? One of them is really tiny.

It didn't develop properly, and one of them is normal. That was his twin in the womb that he cannibalized. So he'll ask you, do you get a sad wish or do you get a fun wish? So I bait him. I leave the bathroom. Lean back in your chair. You probably look bad on camera. I walk back in.

I walk back in like a minute later, and I just drop pants, underwear, all of it, fully naked, jump in the shower. I walk back in. I walk back in like a minute later and I just drop pants, underwear, all of it, fully naked, jump in the shower. I steal his spot. Nice. And then, you know, I take my fucking 10 minute shower, whatever. Joshy pops in. He's got soap on. He's mid shower. Power goes out, which means that the water machine

slash heater that makes the shower work, period. It's not even a cold shower. The shower stops working We gotta put more kids in the machine And Joshi is covered in soap in the shower with no way to turn it on again And we don't know how to pay the meter We don't know how it works because our one pound of power has run out And we're trying to fix it. We originally thought the bouncy castle outside of our house or our apartment cut the power.

Yeah, and there's a big bouncy castle area here, by the way. They turned on the bouncy castle, and there's someone that watches it for eight hours a day, hopefully high out of their mind. Dude, fronting the cost of electricity to the guests is insane. I'm just kind of really thinking about that. It's so fun. Like, as a resort. Imagine you checked into a resort, and they're like,

all right, so here's where you pay your gas bill and your electricity. It's like, do the people just live here normally? It is. The accommodation. America just hits you with resort fees. The accommodation is, like, 25 pounds a night. Okay. Yeah, I was saying, if we wanted to do, like, a fucked up, like,

English Suite Life of Zack and Cody kind of thing here, where we just pay rent, it wouldn't be that bad. Dude, I want to live here. Dude, we could own this whole place. English Suite Life of Zack and Cody kind of thing here where we just we could pay rent. It wouldn't be that bad. Dude, I want to live here. Dude, we could own this whole place. This is like Old King Road in Monopoly. You can have it all. This is Baltic Avenue. Where there's rats. English Suite Life is just like, is just

fucking Zack and Cody's mom like packed the fuck up fucking working at the corner store sound yeah look do you want to pack it you aiding a pack I think selfishly I want to pack because I'm addicted to nicotine now so Kalen brought Kalen is on this tip where he just brings snus now which is is gum tobacco, mouth tobacco. It's a little pillow.

Can you clarify for me? Maybe you can help Dom. Dom's our producer for this episode. Is Kalen into snus because his wife's Swedish? Is that why? Yeah. Okay. It's in America.

What is it? No, but it's like a Swedish thing. Like every Swede I know except Leffen packs the fuck up all the time dude left it off a pack I love to see that So what it is is a little pillow that you put between it's if you know what dipping tobacco is it's kind of similar It's contained in this little satchel you pack it in between your lip and your teeth And you want to dry your gums off a little bit first your mouth is gonna get really you're gonna You're gonna spit a lot, but basically But basically, there's a ranking system,

a four-star system. If you're under the age of 18, maybe turn the volume a little up. You're going to want to write notes on this part. You're going to want to study this. In terms of nicotine content, there's one dot, two dot, which is what we started out on,

three dot, and then four dots where the dots go black on the package. Yeah, and one dot's basically like beginner level on the campaign. if you're a gamer just don't even play it just skip it yeah just go to two if you've had a nicotine addiction before get straight to two yeah two's where most gamers start four chili peppers no one's had a four dot right yeah we're thinking about packing up four on the last day do they sell four four here? And it's wild current as well. The flavor changes and the color system darkens. I'm on.

So I've never tried this before. And day one, Kalen comes over to me. He's like, we're doing a pack match. And we play a best of one in melee. And the loser has to pack up. I've never done it before. I win, so I'm safe. But the next night, last night, I fucking put it in there.

Feeling like a hole is burning in the side of my mouth. To be fair as well, what happened is we were on the twos when we got here to Pontins. And YB, one of our friends, was like, if you guys start packing up three dot guys I'll buy you guys if you guys start packing up three dot I'll buy it for you

anyway no because he's big tobacco yeah it's like hey I'll buy it if you're gonna fucking do the hard shit

yeah the first three dots free but also he wasn't about the smoke he wanted to see us do it first which in Australian

culture is a real faux pas like if you want to get it started on three you're doing two you have to lead you have to pack if you want to get it started on three You're doing you have to you have to be like Julius Caesar in the front of I'm doing three who's coming with me exactly You to lead the charge there. They are there's there's the whole crew so Germany to dot Wild very nice yeah, bring it out Barry We're pretty good for drink. So it's a new flavor.

Yeah, yeah, bring it around. We want to give Aiden a three dot and see what happens. We want to see him be a smoking pair of shoes. We want to get Nick sick live on the podcast. So bad. Will you pack a three? I did it last night. I had two threes last night.

Dude, that's why. Dude, I got nicotine. Dude, I got nicotine sick for the first time in my life last night. Last night that's why I got nicotine. Dude, I got nicotine sick for the first time in my life last night. Last night, this is Kalen. Kalen was trying to convince me

that packing a pillow and drinking Coca-Cola are both the same type of edge break, so I may as well just pack the pillow with him. I know,

but you're saying Coke is the way I'm getting the caffeine. He's like, what's the difference really? Don't say that. I've worn a dip spit cup. Yeah. So, I have one. All right, get it in. He's like, what's the difference, really? Don't say something. I've worn a dip spit cup, yeah.

Mic up. I have one. All right, get in. This is bad podcast content. Get in. I'm sorry, audio listeners. Audio listeners, we're outside in front of Ponton's Resort, by the way, and we are putting packs in our mouths right now. Yeah, for the audio listeners, we are basically Friday night at Freddy's

and doing packs of nicotine. In the parking lot. Do they have a parking lot in Five Nights at Freddy's? Well, you nicotine. In the parking lot. Do they have a parking lot in Five Nights at Freddy's? Well, you never see it because you're stuck, right? We're the country that got abandoned

in probably the most forsaken part of that country. God did not abandon. This is where the queen shines. The light of Queen Christ shines on us. There is a church. This place

There's a church that hangs over the Ponton's character cast. This literally looks like Undead Burg. I'm not kidding. Yeah, it's... This is RA4. The bell starts ringing and all the employees at the end of the day are... It looks like in Left 4 Dead 2 when they can't afford to put real IP on the wall somewhere. Yeah. So they just put this next to a church. It's like a Rockstar game where it's like... Pontins is like a Rockstar Games fake brand. Yes, yes. It's like the Sprunt, like, cola.

It's like a Quiggly-Doo playground. Yeah. This place looks like Prince Andrew took a few quiet trips down here. Did you guys ever have, in primary school, the... Oh, that's me, boo. Don't worry about me, love. Your joy thief nearly took a... Don't worry about my joy thief, bro.

He's always wondering about my... Miles calls my? Your joy thief nearly took a... Don't worry about my joy thief, bro. He's always wondering about my... Miles calls my phone the joy thief. I call it a joy bringer, a JB. And we've talked a lot and extensively... It's a spectrum between... No one is purely JB or JT. Mine brings me B. I think it does.

I mean J. Look, okay, so getting here was a journey in itself. Because the long story short of the four of us getting here was there's a, what's it called? We had to take a coach to get here. And the coach, as we're going from London to Canberra, which is like two hours on the coast, we're right next to the beach right now, the brakes on the bus just completely go out. And we have to pull over. And they tell us in in a funny voice.

Yeah. And also, okay. Can they tell us in any other type of voice? No, they only tell it in the voice that they have and they were born with. It's crazy that they sound like that day to day, 24-7. That's what I'm saying. Last night, I'm drunk. I'm nicked out of my fucking mind.

And me and Dom handshake, and we're both like, they talk weird. Yeah, Dom's Australian. By the way, listen, we had to cut cameras. We had a technical issue. Aiden had to unpack because he was already, he looks like he got punched in the face. Dude, it just hits so fucking hard. The three dot's insane. I don't know, if this is what three is like, the four is just, the four is not for me.

What does it feel like? The four isn't for us. Dude, it's like, dude, do you feel like it's kind of like doing nangs? You've done nangs? Yeah. That's crazy. I didn't know you got down like that. I'm actually not a nang guy.

Yeah, I did nangs once, and I was like, I lost a few brain cells. I shouldn't be doing this. You knew it. You felt it. Yeah. So, okay, so our bus breaks down. We hop in an Uber. Miles has to go in a different Uber because our Uber can only fit a certain amount of us with all

of our yard gear. Miles hops in Zane's Uber, but Zane's going to a hotel. It's alright. Our monitor fell, love. Our monitor fell. Zane's going to a hotel nearby because he's not staying at Camber Sands or at Pontins.

Zane's staying nearby and Miles hops in a different Uber and him and Josh, I guess you just tell from here. So you guys get in an Uber with Zane and then what happens? He's packed up. He's got to spit.

Yeah. So Zane, Josh, Kalen, and I get in this Uber, and it's a normal trip. We play... Have you ever played Josh Brown's game Unlimited Questions? Infinite Questions. Yeah, I hate his stupid fucking game.

So we play Infinite Questions most of the way there. The rules are simple. Just follow the name of the title of the game. Yeah, you'll get there soon enough. He's thinking of a thing, and you get Infinite Questions. So there's no lose state. There's only a win state. You kind of get a multiplier. If your question is running like a

30 minute and no one's got it, you're scoring points. But it's more of a cooperative game. But no one's tracking. Yeah, it's a cooperative game. So we're all in the Uber. We're having a good time. And Zane and Caitlin are going to the Princess Castle. Yes. Which was beautiful. But we eventually get there to Rye, this little English town, which is what you think of when you think of England. You know, cobbled roads and these beautiful pubs. And the Shire, and there's a sword, and you have to use it.

And for some reason, unbeknownst to me, me and Josh get out of the only Uberber in rye yeah like no one is gonna pick us back up if you guys looked at this shit on a map you would see brighton which is a big coastal city and then rye to the west of it which is a small small city and then where we are camber which is really small so all we had to do was add another stop and come here yeah but josh wants to shower or he wants to check it out we're having fun with z Zane and Caitlin. So we go in and they've got dinner prepared because Caitlin called forward. Jesus Christ. I have a baguette, an egg baguette that's

been slid into my pocket. It's been there five hours and that's gonna be my dinner. Like a fucking peasant. That's a real pontons dinner. You should have something in your wallet. With the pillow. Next to the pillow. You tuck it in. So I'm strapped. I'm gonna be fine You should have something in your wallet. Yeah, next to the pillow. You tuck it in.

So I'm strapped. I'm going to be fine. I have my pocket sando. And yeah, we get in there. It's really nice. We have a couple of drinks. We have dinner. We're having a great time.

And time keeps going by, and it gets to about midnight. And we're like, well, we should call a cab and go. And we start calling cab services. And of course, there's nothing, but Caitlin is the only one who has a phone that can call people. So she goes down the whole list, calls all of these cab companies. No one's going to come and pick us up. I hear that the front desk person, when you ask,

if you get a cab, laughed at you. Yeah. A cab? At this time of night? In Rye? You know we don't have power right now. Hotel hasn't tapped up its meter. You know I chopped a rabbit's head off an hour ago.

Yeah, so we're stranded and we start trolling Zane. We put some bags in their room and it's a pretty small room. We start eyeing off the floor space next to the beds. Like hungry animals licking your lips. It was a bed and a two-seater couch. I was like, ooh, yeah. Licking your lips. It was a bed and like a two-seater couch. I was like, oh, two queens. We're fine. And see, because Miles, the difference between Miles and Josh is that Miles will be like,

can I sleep here? But Josh will be like, ah, is the floor comfy? Yeah, yeah. He'll run some shit like, oh, this carpet's really nice, actually. He goes, oh, carpet. It's like carpet. It's like weird that it's comfortable. So are you guys actually going to sleep on the floor, maybe?

If you don't. And that's why he's Joshua the asker, because he actually doesn't ask. Joshua, well, he'd be like, well, can we use your bed? You can say no. Yeah, that's level two of Josh. It's while you're up, and also you can say no. It's fine. And then it's like, can I really, though?

He'll ask you for the shirt off your back and be like it's okay though if you can't he puts you in these unwinnable like all inner fold situations

and you're like but he's charming so we're there and me joy thief no just put it

not in your pocket she's alright so we're there and Zane clearly doesn't want us to stay in the room. But Caitlin's like, oh, no, they can stay. Yeah. And Zane's clearly, but he won't.

He's kind of the defensive Josh, where he is not going to say no straight up. And Josh isn't asking straight up, so we're a bit of a stalemate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then we go back down, and we start trolling Caitlin now. We're like, we'll just walk. We're down to walk, but it's 1 a.m. in Canberra. And how far is it? Hour and 40.

Neither of us have internet on our phones either. But what I realize at this point when we're about to leave is that I've lost my phone. Completely right. It slipped out of my pocket somewhere. Yeah. People come up to me and being like, I'm like a war veteran. Like there's people coming up and they're like hey I've got a crazy thing miles lost his phone, and I'm like

Which one I'm like I'm like this is like his fourth phone and his eighth wallet. I'll tell you know you're not in the matrix Black out the walks past They can't program in the consistency that I'll lose my They can't program in the consistency that I'll lose my phone. Yeah, that's your dreidel at the end of Inception. I'm phone-less, and I'm like, Kaylin's expecting me to be having this freak-out reaction. I'm kind of checking couch cushions and retracing my steps a bit,

and she's like, aren't you mad? And I'm like, I lost my joy thief. I guess I'll be happy then. Oh, no. In the moment with my friends on an adventure. If anything, you were set free in that moment.

Yeah. That's the cope that Miles says. The handcuffs were taken off of you. This is all, this is Miles' cope. To me,

because for most, it's a JB. If you're watching, is it a JB or a JT? Do a little introspection. If you're at home right now, is what's in your pocket a JB or a JT?

I was saying, if I was like a Dark Souls enemy, you'd find my JB on the ground and it's like Slime's Joy Gray Sword. And it's like some people say this was a scourge and some said it brought them salvation. Miles was cooking last night. So you start your walk. So Caitlin's shocked that we're about to walk.

And Josh is like, no, this is going to be the best part of the trip. I agree. Yeah. So we just leave. We both have suitcases. I'm rolling a 15-kilo suitcase. And we just start walking down a cobblestone street. We have GPS, so we know where we need to go.

It's about an hour and 40 walk. Me and Josh just like walking down a cobblestone street. We have GPS, so we know where we need to go. It's about an hour and 40 walk. Me and Josh just like walking places. It's pitch black. It's 1 a.m. You're walking through English countryside at 1 a.m. We leave the Shire as two hobbits, and we set out. And we start walking, and, pretty quickly leave the town. And the path that the GPS wants us to take is kind of like a bike path.

It's a dirt road nearest like a soccer pitch that just starts going out into the darkness. And there's no road or cars. On one side is houses. And on the other side is just a fence with hundreds of sheep. So we're walking down this dirt road. And we have about an hour and 40 on this dirt road ahead of us. It's so fucked, bro.

And there's no other way. We go through the gate and we're just in English countryside in the pitch black. Yeah. And we start walking and we know there's a lot of sheep. We hear,

you know, how do you think, oh, sheep go bar? They're like, rah. They're making a nice cartoon noise. Well, it's because we have the fucked up Midsommar sheep here.

I'm pretty nicked. You're nicked? I'm good, though. Dude, this is so disgusting. This is life. At the end of this pod, that cup better be full. You know how you guys always run the bit of like,

oh, we're not like Nalk Boys or Fresh and Fit? Yeah. It's seeping in. Yeah. Well, that's why you guys, ironically, just're not like Nalk Boys or Fresh and Fit. Yeah. It's seeping in. Yeah. Well, that's why you guys ironically just chuffing pillows. I was packed up, backwards hat. Yeah, you were wearing a Suns jersey. And YB was like, you realize it started as a joke,

but we're just living the culture now. You're like one day from starting your own seltzer brand. I'm going to tuck in flannel. And YB's like, you just hunt deer now. You're like one day from starting your own seltzer brand. I'm gonna tuck in flannel and YB's like, you just hunt deer now. Anyway, so we're walking and we're walking down this dirt path and in the distance we see two sheep that have escaped the enclosure

on the path. And they're it's about 15 feet across and just this dirt path between houses and the fence and we have nowhere to go. and they're not moving. They're just standing in the middle of the path going,

brrrr. It's like 1.30 in the morning. You have to give them three riddles. And we were like, well, it's going to be very safe, but we didn't factor in the livestock angle. Yeah, right, right.

And we don't have internet. I wanted to look up how dangerous are rams. Yeah. And we considered doubling back multiple times we backed off the encounter we didn't get that want to get in their range and the alternate path is an extra hour and a half to go back and to go onto the main road which circles around is just like not an option so we start wheeling our case we backed out

multiple times we just have to be brave and like calculate whether or not you can take these. I'm too nicked. I got a one pack. The break killed it. Oh. No, that's good. It's on the ground now. Yeah, that's the part that got me.

It looks good. Dude, the pillows are a JB. The pillows? Are they? The pillows. Do you think they're a JB? Two dot definitely is. A JT?

Three dot may be a JT. A JT? Eamon must... So were there a lot of sheep? So as I understood it, you were sizing up a couple sheep? We thought they'd escaped. Because the fences in the house are still on either side of us at this point. We're like, these are two escapees.

We're just going to sort of sidle past them against the houses. Yeah. We don like, these are two escapees. We're just going to sort of slide on past them against the houses. Yeah. We don't want no trouble. We're going to roll our cases as close as we can to the wall and just slide past them, which is what we did. And then we get about

50 meters forward and there's a pack of five and they're making more noises. And now we have the two pack behind us have started following us. So turning back isn't really an option.

We're in a corridor. Yeah. They're like a corridor. Yeah. They're like, what do you got for me? Well, do you think if, like, how many sheep

do you think you and Josh could have taken? Well, that's what we were having this conversation. Yeah, in combat. Three pack?

Good. You're having, you're not having it as a fun experiment with your friends. You're having it for, as a life or death situation. One ram and it's over. Yeah, I think one

ram and it's like one of us just take you gotta trade a guy out almost. Only one Aiden gets thrown to the fucking field. Only one of Pippin and Mary is making it back to Bonson's if there's a ram. Yeah, so we keep walking. There's a five pack

and at this point we're committed yeah so we just start like hustling like i'm carrying my suitcase instead of rolling it and we're i'm ready to like i have my bag in front of me to like potentially push them off that's crazy and we get past this pack and then the houses stop and the fence stops and we're just in a paddock and we're like well that's how they escaped is that the fence just ends and there's hundreds of sheep and just this path in front of us that we have to walk and other than the path it's just sheep shit you can barely see the grass and so we can sort of see the road ahead and and we just start hustling. Are they all, like, making, like, ahhh?

Yeah, it's loud. That's what you kept saying. You said it was angry. You said it was, like, ahhh, like, deep. It's like a chorus. It's like a chorus. When you're around that much animals, I don't know if you guys ever have been out there, but, like, they just kind of murmur at each other.

It's exactly like Minecraft. Actually, really. Minecraft nailed that shit. And they'll just... Yeah. That's going to keep falling, bro. I'm holding it, man. You'll be his spit girl.

You're his beautiful spit girl. I'm on cue. You're my spittoon. But, okay, so I don't know if there was another step to this journey, but it's fucking pitch dark out. Keep in mind, the main thing is we know you guys don't have data. Which, by the way, is fucking insane. Like, to not, for the two of you to walk pitch dark through English countryside with basically no internet is already insane. Because you chose to left.

You chose to leave at like 1.15. I come alive in these scenarios. Keep in mind, keep in mind. Everything else is just waiting. We're rooming. Me and Slime are rooming with Josh and Miles and we're just wondering like,

dude, where are they? And we just like, we make sure that they, we send a message earlier in the night. We tell them their room number. I'm sleeping next to the door so I can hear a knock because the way the doors are fucking here,

you can't leave the doors unlocked even. They like forcibly lock. So you can't stay on an extra night at Pom They like forcibly lock. So you can't stay an extra night at Pompton's for free. Yeah, they don't want that. They wouldn't want that 25 pounds that they've been scammed out of. Wait, your door can't be unlocked? No, it cannot be unlocked.

Mine can't be locked. So mine's the opposite. So I've just been leaving my room unlocked the whole time. The rooms in this place are so inconsistent. Some of the rooms have bugs. Some of them have so inconsistent. Some of the rooms, some of the rooms have bugs. Some of them have black mold. We have black mold in the shower. Some of them have meters.

Some of them don't have water heaters at all. Mine has some mystery crud. I haven't figured out quite what it is. I have a handicap room, which is interesting because they just,

it's not better. They just reallocate space. You also have a painting of a dog. Yeah, no, it's an elephant. Oh, right.ocate space. You also have a painting of a dog. Yeah. No, it's an elephant. Oh, right. Yeah. I have a very, very terrifying painting in my room. Archie will have the photo of this.

Kalen was speedboxing the painting in his room. Yeah. Kalen likes punching art. I don't know what it is. That's awesome. When he gets drunk. So, also, how did you have GPS if you didn't have service? You have GPS.

It's not tied to 4G. Once you load the initial map, your GPS stays loaded. So as long as the route doesn't change and you keep following it, you can see your path without data. And so that's why I assumed they would be okay, but I'm getting a little concerned at like past 1 in the morning because they're still not back. We haven't heard anything from you guys.

And I'm sleeping near the door in case you guys make it tonight. So I wake up. And at like fucking 2.45, 3 a.m., slam, slam, slam, slam, slam. I'm fucking hearing the knock. And I'm like, oh. I'm surprised they even found out what room you're in. So I get up.

Yeah, he had to get service. I open the door. You two are there, and it's like, it's like it's the middle of the day. You guys are so riled up and loud, and you guys are like, you're speaking like you're fucking a manic. And you're like,

couldn't walk, his peace out, the fucking chief. I couldn't like, do like, how to kill a ram. We didn't know about the rams. And I'm like, what's going on and like we're still trying to wrap our head around this place at this point so aiden's like not 100 sure if you're real yeah or if you're one of the statues that have come to life like we only saw a piece of pontins and then all this happened we arrived here at nighttime so we got the creepiest

like entrance of this place yeah yeah i'm like i'm like worried it's two animatronics at the door about to fucking kill me and then and then josh josh it doesn't even wait you're like barely explaining the sheep because you're not telling what happened you just keep saying how many sheep there were so i don't understand what's happening and then josh is like do you think the venue's open you think we could go go practice right now? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, what? It's like three in the morning. It's three in the morning on Friday morning, Thursday night. Before we left the hotel that Zane's at, the bartender comes over to us.

And he's talking to us because he's having to hold the reception open. We're in the common room. And he's like, Ripple just kicked off. I've been believing this crypto coin forever. Everyone said I was silly and it kicked off and the bars closed. So I'm like, dude, that's awesome. We should celebrate with you giving me another wine after the bars closed. And he's like, that's yeah, let's go. You took his joy from a cryptocurrency and earned a new, a new wine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he gave it to me for free as well. Dude, that's crazy. It was nice. I profited off Ripple all the way. They call Ripple a schizo coin.

They do. They call it Ripple schizos. It's like the level, that's the three dot. Two dot is the shit coin. Three dot is, yeah, like banana coin, schizo, Ripple. And four dot is just like sending a telegram, bank wire to a random guy. Yeah, and hoping you get more back later. Anyway, so Caitlin's like, why are you drinking

so much wine? I'm like, I need to get loaded up for this walk. We were saying the whole time that there's a clown at Pointons, or Pontons even, and if we get buzzed, he won't be able to feed off our feel. Yeah, he can't detect you. Also, in the church, there's a bunch of discarded ribbons to save your game,

but none of them work. It's just truly like an inversion of all the video games we've ever played, but it's real and you can touch it for real. It's like the church looks like it's one of the buildings in Outlast. Yeah, it's crazy. We're looking at the steeple right now. We're looking at Christ. Hello, and welcome to Child News Network. We're looking at the steeple right now. We're looking at Christ. Hello, and welcome to Child News Network.

I'm here with three children I found in the street today. I'm a child. Hi, man. What's up? Where's the candy? Where's my mom? Where's my factal meals? Do you guys eat?

I need them. I need my factal meals. Sorry, what did you say? What did you eat? My factal meals. I need them. You're a child news network what did you say? What did you eat? I Factor Meals. I need them. You're a child of this network. The liberal media hasn't corrupted CNN yet. If you need wholesome, convenient meals to energize you for sunny, active days,

or your kids, you can find them at Factor. Factor's fresh, never-frozen meals are ready in just two minutes. Don't you get it? I like Factor. With Factor, you get nutritious, chef-prepared meals delivered straight to your door. And your child can answer the door. It's clean eating. Do they contain fentanyl?

No fentanyl. It's clean eating. Say you're cleaning up your kid's shit and you're worried about it being dirty. You're out of the yard cleaning up your kid's shit. They shit in the yard. Factor is the clean, cheap heat of meals.

It's not heat. It's just like getting clean, cheap heat and you text the telegram number and you get it right to your door. 34 Milchweizberg. I actually just got mine. I think in mine I have the bruschetta shrimp risotto and the green goddess chicken. I just started getting

them finally and I got also the shakes and chicken. I just started getting them, finally. And I got also the shakes. And there's a mango shake, which I really like. Prepared by chefs. Approved by dietitians. Loved by CNN. And Children's Network. Loved by Children's Network. Also, weirdly, Wolf Blitzer, who also works here.

Yeah, he does work here. We're also trying to get Anderson Cooper, but not for... Just for pleasure. For his money. for his family's money yeah go to factor meals.com slash the yard 50 use code the yard 50 to get 50 off your first box that's code the yard 50 factor meals.com slash the yard 50 don't you get it other child america's number one way to eat meal kit child news network out i'm still a child. Still a child. Oh, ball drop. What me and Miles learned is that the experience and the view of Ponsons that you get just via coming to this tournament is actually only about 20% of a slice of the entire ground that's here.

And we really wanted to go. I think you've probably seen in the background. They have these tandem bikes, but it's like a bike with a sidecar where like you have fake handlebars like the unplugged controller yeah, and we really wanted to ride one and To order to ride a bike you need tokens and in order to get tokens you need pounds and To get pounds you need a working ATM which Pontins does not have so if you don't have cash Then you don't have cash. You can't do anything here. So we Need to get to get money, and Miles goes,

we've got to find Europeans and money match them. It's the only way. You have to earn it. Like you're hitting the blackjack table to top up for poker. After we had decided to money match someone from Europe, we found an ATM, and when my card didn't work in it, we were like, that's the universe telling us we need to money match someone. Also, that thing's just,

it's a straight up skimmer. Yeah, yeah. Someone's chip jamming at the point of pontoon. I was like trying to pull out, you know, the green part. I was like, this is a method for someone. It was like 20 pounds sent to B-Tron.

So we started navigating the venue and basically the first person that miles sees he's like do you want a money match us and they're like how much and we're like exactly 10 pounds and they're like why that much exactly it's like that's how much the bikes cost and they're like okay and this guy is like let me go get my static partner we're like oh you have a static partner and he's like yeah and we're like he's like he looks at me He's like we're gonna have to work for it And I wanted it to be a little tight though And he goes and he goes and he gets his partner

And I recognized the guy because the guy I played friendlies with the day before and he's the number one player in Portugal Which shit which maybe does not mean anything maybe means something it's really weird When it's a whole country it's still Everyone here is number one in Schmilliamsburg or something. They could be, like, next up, unironically. Yeah, yeah. I had the luxury of playing friendlies with that guy the day before for, like, an hour. So I learned, hey, he's actually pretty good, but he cannot beat Jigglypuff.

It was the only character I played that he could not take games off of. And I was like, Miles, Miles, I have intel. I have intel. I just play Puff. That's our key to the bikes. So we go to the screen and I pick Puff and he looks over and he's like, are you serious? And I'm like, yeah. And he looks over at his friend and he's like, this is bad melee. It was pretty funny. And so

we start playing. Me and Miles kind of sweep him and they're like, GG's. He fist pumps Miles. He looks at me like, doesn't want to fist pump me. I'm just kidding. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's not actually mad. And so we get the money.

We go on the bikes. And we immediately start our bike tour. The bikes are not great. They take a lot of fucking work to carry the weight of two adult men. So we're having to switch off. It's meant for children. The amount of effort.

Yeah, we don't really fit in them. And the amount of effort it takes to ride them, uh, anyway. So we, so we ride, and the first thing we stop is that there's a, there's a Jurassic Park world, which is different than Dinosaur World. Yeah. Wait, is there two? There's, there's a Jurassic Park branded world. And there's just regular dinosaurs over there. And then there's just, then there's just Dinosaur World, which is its own thing. They tried a couple of times to get the dino thing to work, like, at multiple locations. Clearly just can't take off. That's another thing is that all of these random attractions

are fully staffed, and we are the only people here. Dude, I was saying how sick it would be to be the girl who watches the bouncy castle, and, like, literally no one comes through the entire day. All you do is just smoke weed all day. Yeah. And just, like, listen to podcasts. But they don't this is where I went from thinking it was a joke that this place is like a Resident Evil setting to being like these people something's corrupted yeah

we started to say like if you go up and talk to one they only talk in sims speak the guy for instance the guy who's over at the bikes wouldn't just take five quid, he needed five arcade tokens. That's his job! He wouldn't take money. No, but he needs to take funny money. It's just right, like, there's no need- Yeah, because if he's taking real bob, he's skimming.

And you give him to him and he goes, and he eats them all. No, but that's the system that Ponton's created. It's like, this is very Stalin core. This is literally communist Russia. You have your own currency. You pay for electricity. Dude, I swear to God, there's a pirate mini golf course behind us. One of the statues is Lenin.

Yeah, I swear to fucking God. It's bald zombie Lenin over there. Also, the course is so rotted, it looks like Asmongold's teeth. Like, on the ground, it's really gross. For instance, there's a guy who's just sweeping the same muck and crud. The mini golf course is completely cracked. All of the holes don't work. And he's sweeping the same crud around in a circle.

And then he puts the broom down, right? And he goes to, like, fix a plant. And it's just a dead plant. Yeah, yeah. Me and Miles are talking about how they literally all have fake video game tasks. One of the guys was brushing a fence, and the other guy was ruffling dead plants. Like, he was going and shaking them, and we're like, that's not a task. Like, that doesn't do anything.

No, bro, they're off the fucking, they're off the ket, bro. They're in puppet land. There's no one going to most of these attractions, but they're still standing, like, taking it serious. They're full staffed, yeah. And that's what I was, I want to talk to the bouncy house girl, and I'm going to be like, I want your life. Will you switch with me? What is your day like?

This is English salary, man. It kind of is. I want to be one of the Pontons. I want to be one of the Pontons' staff. The Ponton Llama. Down to the beach, if you will. We were walking down to the beach, and it's like there's a bunch of restaurants

on the beach, like, just small places. And I was telling Miles, like, we could live in a gas station, and we live above the gas station. We were walking down to the beach and it's like, there's a bunch of restaurants along the beach, like just small places. And I was telling Miles, like we could live in a gas station and we live above the gas station. We run the gas station and we live at Ponton's and we live here forever. We're here forever now.

And we work at that bouncy castle and we have the Ponton's t-shirts. We have mugs we can get. They say I heart Ponton's are in the back for us. We got to the room. We got to the room. Obviously the room's not very nice.

The first thing you said was like, we could live a perfect life here together. And I meant it. And I said it to Aiden, and I meant it. I could live a perfect life with Aiden as my wife, my beach wife. You could be my Ponton's beach wife. Yeah.

So me and Miles were taking these bikes around. We see Jurassic World, which has barbed wire on it. Good. I don't get why it's the only attraction that has barbed wire to enter. It also has an electric fence. So that's personally what I think is the front. Like they go, oh, Jurassic World's closed because it's IP. We stole.

We can't use it. But really there's like bodies, like stacks of kids that are in there or something. It'll be on the fencing sign. It will be like Keep out Chance of death And then like Chuckle's doing this One Two

It'll have like No Like high voltage wire And then And then the crocodile's like It's like the front The front bus In Snowpiercer

It's like Weetabix is just Crushed up Cast members Dude by the way I'm I'm not full. I'm so full.

I ate three Weetabix bars as we set up. That shit is the real deal. We could eat Weetabix for the rest of our lives and drink water? It's like sand, but worse. Oh my God.

I'm in heaven. I love pontons. So as we keep riding, we're taking turns because every 50 meters our quads are just burning because this tricycle is like... We've come to the full conclusion

that this is either like an Area 52 style military base because they have concessions and activities for kids. Usually, military bases, you have to entertain all the children you have. Yeah, the families. We've basically come to the conclusion this is a hundred... We find an abandoned room

that is completely grown over with vines of thorns. Miles tries to get in. There's a few squat cinder block nondescript buildings out the back that are just completely overgrown. And the doorways are just blocked by thorns. And they're rusted over. The handles are rusted over so you can't get in. They're not locked.

They are rusted shut, which is a very different concept. But if push comes to shove, gamma rays do not go through that. That's why I love it here. We ride a little longer, and there's a lot that's called the safety and health center or something like that. And then we peered inside because it's locked gates, and it's just stacks of materials. They'll just have pallets of sandstone. Yeah, yeah. It's metal, stacks of wood.

All the Fortnite materials are in there. But you can't get in, but you can peer in. Like it's a maze runner. For health and safety. It's like your junk chest. You got a junk chest in Minecraft. You just keep a bunch of- In a lot of signs.

There literally is the alligator, and he's like, no, no, no. Don't enter. That sign is real. Don't come in here, kids. Too many materials for you. Yeah, we keep riding. You start to see some of the more abandoned. Because there's a lot of apartments here,

but they fill them by like one to a hundred. You start at the lowest number, and then they fill them that way. So there's clearly numbers that no one's ever lived in. I do. I was wondering. I don't think Ponton's has ever been full. The deep back apartments.

There must be nearly a thousand. This place can fit fit thousands of people. Dude, that's crazy. It goes so far. Did you see the reg cap for Fate? They capped it at 3,500. So that's how many people could have come to this event. That is crazy.

Isn't that insane? The other thing is, Geordi looked up the Wikipedia for Pontins. We've been doing a bunch of research. It was established in like 1940 so like England took a massive hit during World War II and then it was reinvested in in 2010 yeah right before the GFC I was I was I was saying that there was a great recession that we all dealt with as a world the economy's in the toilet and one man stood up and said I have a dream there's like two eras there's like the like late 1940s where like we need a place for these like shell-shocked soldiers to come to and like to free their mind and then again after like a real estate crash in 2008 i want to see

the fucking the red scare 80s cold war era pontins uh mascots where it's like chuckles but he's like don't let the communists come near your coins. They're yours. It's like a propaganda era. If anything, this was like a safe land for fans of Soviet Russia. It's like a Dr. Seuss anti-Semitic theme park.

Guys, the most haunting part, though, is that this Pontons, Canberra Sands, is not on the Wikipedia. Of all the franchises? Yeah. Yeah. So it says on the Wikipedia that there's four, but this is like the fifth. It's the bonus, Jonas.

Yeah. Phantom, but... I guess we're not... The Phantom Pontons? We could all be asleep in America currently. This could be the off-brand one where the clown lives. We wake up hooked to machines connected to our minds. And we're feeding off tubes.

Yeah, it's I have no mouth and I'm going to scream. No, we know we're not in the Matrix. We know we're not in the Matrix because you lost your phone again. So we're fine. There was also, there's only a few places to eat around here. And Josh was saying there's a chippy, which is a fish and chips place. And he's like, it's like a big trough. And it's all the gamers.

They just dump all the chips into a big trough. All the gamers, they just dump all the chips into a big trough. Three times a day, the trough gets filled. And you have to raise your hand for whether you want sauce or no sauce. If you get outvoted, it's... Yeah, it's a democracy vote for the sauce. And you just have to like... Oh, there's the dipstick. You just have to pace around until the until the trough just fills

Up again, so that's what we've been eating which has been good Yeah, I went to Antonio's pizza every single morning of this trip and got an English breakfast Antonio's pizza English breakfast is very strange because it's in no way a pizza restaurant But they have it, But they do serve it. It's weird because pizza is like maybe a fifth of the menu and it's named after it. Yeah. Yeah. Most of it is like prize games and like eggs and beans.

Boys, I need to slash. I'm not going to lie. You need to slash. Okay, go slash. Run between the... You want to go to the right side? The right side is a great slash zone. There's a special place.

That looks great for me. Here, I'll hold it. You can sit on the chair. Yeah, it's been good. Yeah, we completed our ride around the park, which was... I recommend everyone here

does it before we leave. It's the only... You know how they say it's like really the only true way to see Rome is to go on the bus tour. You go on the back streets.

It's like how Ludwig rented a Vespa to fully experience Italy. This is the way you fully experience Camber Sands Pontins. You get in the dual bike and you pedal your ass off. It's a good workout too. I do like the idea of seeing if the electric fence is actually powered.

I'm sure they haven't paid for it. It doesn't hurt that bad. We need a rubber stool and we can film the classic video where you have a chain, and you have the last person stand on the stool, and then the person gets off the stool, and the whole line gets shocked at once. Yeah, and then it's four dead found at Camber Sands. At Pontins. At Pontins.

Do you think it's like Disneyland where they take the bodies outside and drag it onto the road? Into the town so it doesn't look like there's any deaths at Pontins? It's like in Deadwood when they feed the bodies to the pigs. The one guy in the camp. Yeah, I was walking this morning and I saw a kid who was sitting outside of his house in Camber and he was just counting up infinitely.

And I was like, I said he's playing an old traditional Camber game called Quiggly Mash. That's just Nintendo to them. You were looking at the next Mr. Beast. Yeah, dude, no camera, just love of the game. Love of the game, yeah.

True shit. I wish you Slash, love. Oh, perfect. You have a good one. What's very strange about Camber is they don't have a lot, but they have a very nice coffee shop. Yeah, yeah.

It's bomb. They have like a Melbourne trendy coffee shop next to a chippy that makes you feel nauseous upon entry. You can, you can eat the worst fries you've ever tasted and then go get one of the best coffees you've ever had. Back to back. Dude.

I saw, we saw H box walking down from the chippy and me and miles were wrong. And he's like, Hey, what's going on? I was like, Hey Juan, what's up?

He's like, uh, I reviewed all of these places. Do you want to know which one's the best? And he ranked them all because they're all next to each other. And this is the first day of the trip. He's been away from his stream. So he's just gossiping to T-List to someone.

He's just not cold to the field for like three hours, and he has tried every restaurant. He did, yeah. Which means he tried them back to back. He suicided the camber a lot. I want to do the camber rise speed run. Just try it. I'll do all the five-hour runs.

What if we turned it into a marathon path? It's like the Josh and Miles run. The camber 10K. The camber 10K for hope. And you have to double pack at the end of it. You have to pack during at the end of it. You know, you have to pack during and you have to, there's sheep and like sometimes the sheep aren't there so there's like

the cardboard sheep that come up like a shooting range and you have to like dodge them and shit. If any Mario Party modders are out there, this would be a great map. Yeah. All of Ponton's. Ponton's is so funny. Dude, that's such a funny concept. What we learned about sheep, though,

the whole time when me and Josh were walking, I was like, dude, they call them sheep for a reason. We're leaders. We're men. And these wolves, the only world where they staunch us is because we're not taking the lead. Looking Josh in the face and being like,

you know what the two oldest professions in the world are? Fucking prostitution and shepherding animals. We were born to do this. That's what I was telling him. I was like, this journey, we're like two diplomats walking over to tell the Earl of the next town. I was like, dude, this is... If you would have

brought the Pontons with all of the sheep as well, that would have fit right in, I think. We just see like way far in the distance like is that josh and what the fuck when we started to ease up in the paddock though was when we were kind of hustling a bit and the sheep came a bit close and we we staunched him a little and he just starts spraying piss like a fire hydrant he sees us and he just it... It's loud in the night. That was just the Irish melee scene, who was also lost.

That's that. You couldn't see him in the dark. But Josh is the only one who has a torch, because I've lost my JT. Yeah, you did. So you were using the light from Josh's phone? I was leading with my bag, ready to punch, and he was like... Because if he leads, I can't see shit. So he was looking around. I was like was like dude on me with the torch we're like making comms and stuff to try to get through this well i i have this like maybe it's like close maybe it's a power fantasy but like

if a sheep i want a sheep to try you know i wish it would a few followed like they were ready to because like what's a sheep going to do, bite me? Yeah. There were so many, man. Dude, you don't got to worry. If it's a ram, you're done. That's the thing is, like, we could only see sort of 20 meters ahead of us, and we didn't know.

Maybe they just have rams. Dude, no. You spin kick the ram in the fucking head. Ow. That's like being a dog. It's like, I could take the dog in the ring. I think it's easier to take a ram because it's perfect spin kick kite. Dude, they...

You know? It's called a ram. I just don't... Its name is a weapon. I don't hit its horns. I hit it right in the jaw. Fucking sleep it, idiot. I don't even know if they have a jaw.

They're mostly horns. Dude, they're so dumb as well. Like, you're caving their idiot skulls. Yeah, they would just keep going Dude, they're so dumb as well. Like, you're caving their idiot skulls. They would just keep going. All they know is attack mode. It's called a ram. The gulls here are huge. Dude, at Antonio's Pizza, there's a sign right at the front,

at the register, that has a big picture of a seagull, and it's like, we are not responsible for you getting your food stolen by seagulls. They'll go for it. We will not replace your food or ice cream. Ponton's has these amazing signs everywhere that have soy jacking seagulls. And it's like, don't feed them. It's very ominous.

But they're looking at you like, oh! Some of them are decrepit and deep fried, too. They're so big, dude. The seagulls here. Dude, they've definitely eaten a few kids that have come to this fucking theme park. I think they have the Ponton's GMO snack, whatever they're building here. They've eaten it in their time staying here.

They're big. That's the difference. You know they eat good because they're big as fuck. The health and research facility is feeding them up on something. They're getting the chippies. Dude, maybe this is the house of surveillance birds. Maybe we're all the robot birds that surveil all of the US. Yeah, we just see a smoking fucking seagull, and it's just malfunctioning.

It's head is going 360, like a fembot. We have to leave. Today's podcast is brought to you by Cash App. It's got tools for saving, spending, and sending. It's an all-in-one way to control and grow your money. Dude. Saving money, huh? I've been on that tip.

You know, this is why we're here today is because I saved money. You saved money? When I was at my job back in the day, you know, I had to save up 10K. That was the number I gave myself to go full-time streaming. And I just had to not spend money and save it. I had to be very diligent. You were eating a lot of milk. I ate a lot of Carl's Jr. $5 All-Star meals.

And milk. You were eating a lot of boxed meals and milk. What did you do with the $10,000? It was just a fallback net in case I wasn't earning enough to pay rent. In case you didn't have it. Yes. So you saved up to follow your big dream? Yes, to take the risk.

Because I'd argue that he still doesn't have it. Yes. He saved up to follow your big dream. Yes, to take the risk. Because I'd argue that he still doesn't have it. Yeah, I just had to save. So you had $10K to fall back on, and that's what made you start being a streamer? And that's why we're here today. It's because I saved $10K. Saving is important. That's a good reason why you should download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play to see why it's the number one finance app in the U.S. App Store.

Get on your money, not your funny, is what they should use. Click the link in the description. Click the link in the description. Child News Network out. And let's get back to your prescription, which is our podcast. So once we got past this area, we went through a gate, and it was like, you know in Lord of the Rings, like a shady lane where the trees have grown all the way over, and it's a tunnel?

That was, we got out of the sheep, um, pen? Yeah. Dude, you're going through like fucking Candyland zones. Yeah. It quickly changed to this narrow, bully, um, corridor, like, just tree tunnel. And we were walking through that, and we got out onto this road, and there's no lights. And we can sort of hear cars far away,

but we were two tramps in the night marching rolling a bag along the side of this road and i told josh i was like if you hear a car coming we're bailing i was like don't be afraid to bail out into the ditch yeah yeah because i don't want us to get hit by that was a real fear yeah i was wondering that too because we were we were driving here, our driver was booking it. He was going really fast. Dude, he's sending blind corners where the speed limit is 30, and he's easily going 50. Yeah, he really didn't want to be driving us to fucking Palmton's scary castle. He was just blaring house music the entire time. I'm so car sick.

They call it garage. He's blaring the garage. Dude, he's going like full Berghain while we're going through. He might have been packed. And like every 20 minutes he'd ask one question and then stop talking.

And then he would let the house speak for itself. I think my favorite Ponton's entertainment zone is the, there's a place right there that's called the Fun Bounce Zone or something. Yeah, that's right outside my room. And it's just a big lot. There's just nothing there. And so Miles was like, surely it's all bouncy.

So he gets in there, he starts jumping on the ground and it's just normal ground. Are you talking about the bouncy castle? No, no, no. No, over here, that empty blue lot is called, like, the fun bounce zone. You know, like, um, trampolines that are built into the ground? Yeah, yeah. It looks like that. Like, you know how that's always, like,

blue? Yeah. But they've just painted a square of asphalt blue. It looks like a gymnastics facility. You know, like, those, like, floors where, like, people vault and stuff? Yeah. It looks like, oh, it's like, like those floors where people vault and stuff? Yeah. It looks like, oh, that's where I would go do that. Except it's been exposed to the elements for five decades.

It calcified. And it's just rock hard now. That's good. Oh, dude, speaking of being rock hard, I knew it was time to go to bed last night when the boys bought the restroom dick pills. Dom has the dick pills. Do you have it? See, you know what's fucking

funny is I said I want to do a Viagra episode. Every one of these guys vetoed it. Dude, we could do it right now. That's what I'm saying, bro. I can't be bricked up for top eight. Why not? I'm not talking about now. So the Pontons' bathroom machines have Viagra pills in them,

which is really funny considering we're at basically a children's resort. Dude, that is crazy. Ultra blue, made in the UK. Oh, it's one capsule? Yeah. Oh my God. Dude, I'm trying to have a made in the UK boner.

It's the male sexual support formula. It's got maca. Oh, it's got McDonald's in it. People are clapping here. It's got maca. Oh, it's got McDonald's in it. People are clapping here. It's a resort. What else are the parents going to do while they're here? The walls at Ponton's are so fucking thin. Dude, you can just Kool-Aid man any wall.

I am on a different... I am literally on a... Wait, what? Why are we laughing at? Oh, you just like that? Wow. You never saw Family Guy. The first time you... or Daneained cook i'm on the first floor and they're on the second it's a slime and aiden on the second floor and on the first night here it's like 2 a.m i'm like going off into oblivion and i just hear slime

like through the walls he's like all right man and i can hear it clearly dude and for context this is not the same apartment. It's barely even the same row. You're like two down and away apartments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can still hear them completely clearly. I like how there's ovens in here. Like, Omid brought, like, food.

You're saying if we capture a seagull, we can bring it to Omid and pay him 50p? Yeah, that's like three hearts. Yeah, and he'll skin it for us and shit. Dude, he takes Ponton's tokens, like what me and Nick had to get. He goes, Omid won't take cash while he's within this vicinity. So our 10 pound pumped out these 10 gold tokens, which say Eurocoin on them. And me and Nick, we were like, is... I was like, is this money to them? Like, is this real?

Is this like a dollar, like pound here? Like it works down the road. And so we went and we asked people from England here. I was like, are you from England? And they're like, yes. And I'm like, is this money to you? And they laugh at me. And they're like, no. And I'm like, oh.

And Miles is like, I told you it wasn't money. But it doesn't say like, pumpkin's coin. No, it says euro coin. And so they go, would you like me to show you money so that you know from here on out what our money looks like? And I was like, yes. And they're showing us all their coins. And I they go, would you like me to show you money so that you know from here on out what our money looks like? And I was like, yes. And they're showing us all their coins. And I'm like, this looks like a joke coin to me, by

the way. Maybe their pundits was just presumptuous with it, and they were like, yeah, it's the token of this weird park. Yeah, my theory is that they have their own currency. They were like, this will eventually be just the currency of the year. This is how the employees buy things at the convenience store. None of the employees have ever left this campus.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. This is a whole, like, they're trying to, like, demonstrate how money works. They're trying to demonstrate how, like, food works. This is where that, uh, the head of Scientology. Making a society. Yes. I'm like, hey, have you ever been to Los Angeles before?

They're like, you mean California Golf Zone? I think this is where the head of Scientology sent his wife. Oh, yeah, the gold base. This is gold base, but it has Chuckles the monkey. Yeah, if we go through one of those fucking, if we go through one of those vine-covered doors, we'll find her. They have a pool here called the H2O Zone, and it's just an indoor pool that I don't think has water in it.

Surely it has some. It looks bad in there. We can check it out. It looks bad in there. These buildings for context are like portables at a regional school almost. Yeah, yeah. Those like, yeah. Well, right there, that's the Ponton shipping container. Did you guys notice that? Yeah.

Where me and Nick went, it was just like a parking lot with a bunch of these... I think there's power... Lost in shipping containers. There's power run to that shipping container. Yeah, I know. I want to live in it forever. That's a cool room, that one.

I love... Dude, everyone's dogging on pontins, and all I see is the infinite possibilities of a society that we could build ourselves. It does scream optimism. Right? Hope, even. We could fix a... Another shining part of Ponthans

is that if you go into the back of the arcade, there's just a full casino. Oh, they got the bingos. They have an actual casino. They call them the Fruities. But it's just filled with boxes. They're using it for storage. Really?

Yeah. Also, the snooker room doesn't have the pool cues. They have everything here, dude. It's crazy. I don't know who's funding Pontins. That's the thing. You come here and there's a vast amount of resources being spent, but we talked to

some of the locals where we pressed A at them and they were telling us that when it's really, really sunny out, it's nut to butt. Ponton's is great. Have a blast. No, not Ponton's. The people that run restaurants and shit, they're like, it's packed in here.

Canberra Sands is, but everybody I've talked to, regular Canberra Sandians, I tell them where we're staying, and their face drops. They're horrified. Yeah, the very nice woman at Antonio's pizza. She overheard us talking about like trips We had gone on stuff and she comes up. She's like I hate LA. I love Dubai And I'm like what you like you like fake places like I'm like, oh, I'm putting it all together my oh Yeah, I like the artificial like simulacrum that Dubai and Ponton's also I think if you throw a rock high enough, you'll see like the halo dome Like go pew!

The World War II anti-bomb technology This cloud pattern up there, it looks a little too consistent That's just a texture pack But everyone's dogging it bro, man, I- something- Me and Adam are... I love it here, by the way. Hold on, hold on. I'll remember this tournament forever.

And that's way more important. This might be... It's not the best tournament, and it's not the worst, but it's probably the most important I've ever gone to. Pontins teaches you about yourself. There's other... What do you make of it? You come to Pontins, and it's like you go on the journey

where it's like you just meet yourself, but you're made of liquid, and then it talks to you. Yeah, it's like Spy go on the journey where it's like you just meet like yourself but it's you're made of liquid and then it talks to you yeah it's like it's like spy kids they have like the anti-you yeah that it's wearing all black and it teaches you like what you really want out of life and if you come out like a better man that's great but sometimes you can die here there's something you get tested i think there's something romantic about the all the different people here right now like you look at the smash venue and all the different people here right now. Like, you look at the Smash venue and all the different competitors, and it's like, wow.

You're all slumming it at the same weird resort in southern England. Yeah, people, it's funny because people almost like, almost everyone I've met here has asked me, so where are you staying? Are you staying here? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, wow. Like they're impressed. Yeah.

They've seen the Patreon. Yeah. That's what dude, actually a really fun, the guy that we won the money match off from Portugal, the thing he said to me right after we won. He said, do you know how rich you are in Portugal?

He was like, do you know how much we get paid in Portugal? No, no. He said to me, like, do you know how much like in the Patreon you own? Like, do you know how much we get paid in Portugal? No, no. He said to me, do you know how much in the Patreon you own? Do you know how much you have in Portugal specifically?

He was basically saying as well, do you know how long this takes me comparatively to you to make? The 10 he lost? Yeah. Or the 5. Bit of a rich get richer situation. I mean, look, don't get back thrown. We can buy property in Portugal and become citizens in like two years. It's crazy.

And then we're EU citizens. And then we can lisp a bunch. Yeah. And we can stick it to Ludwig, finally. So last night, we were walking just past the Chippy, and there's like a real English pub with these, like the Union Jack in the beer garden. And we're just looking for a pub nearby.

So we go in there with 10 gamers. Goody's got his backpack on. And his froggy hat his froggy hat on and we walk we have the the full i'm ash and then there's like nine gamer pikachus behind me yeah and um it's just full of brexit geezers like we we accidentally walked into a place which is like not for us and we wanted to just get a drink but all eyes were on us suddenly. And, dude, these people look like they've been just hit over the head with a frying pan. They all somehow look like aliens in a different way. Yes, they have thick necks.

And, yeah, when you ask them for things, they go, We're the triangle boys. We're like triangles. Two beers. I'll take two. And they're like, all right. We're the triangle boys. We're like triangles. Two beers. I'll take two. And they're like, all right. And the barmaid who's serving you is just surly. Like she just is.

She's clearly telling. Every nonverbal cue is telling us that we are not welcome. And so we basically just 180 and walk out. And then we come back here to the. You probably can't see it on the camera but on the side of this building they've like have a facade of a fake english pub that's just built into the purple mess and we come back here and it's smasher lgbtq plus night yeah and we we go and get a pint of guinness there and we're looking around and i i say to i think it was zaya something i'm

like neither of these two demographics know that the other exists and they are 500 meters away. Yeah. Like the people universally in the Brexit geezer den would have had, would have had their hat spinning. Had they have seen the smashes that were gathered. And it's merely over this wall of reeds. And I was like,

it's beautiful that these people, these people should never come into contact, but it's great that they can exist so close together. Yeah, this is the peace wall. The Ponton's wall. The Ponton's wall keeps you safe and smart. Dude, speaking of the wall, when me and Josh were walking up to get in here, the entrance for context is very far around the back.

We saw the purple dome in the distance, which sort of peeks out over the... The North Star. Over the razor wire fence of the compound. Yeah, everything is barbed wire everywhere. And there's these few stairs that go down. So me and Josh are just looking for the entrance at 3 a.m. And there's like stairs that go down to a metal security door.

And it just says, there's like a croc picture on it. And it just says like's like a croc picture on it and it just says like no trespassing um like no accountability for if you die well it's croc isn't liable in case you get disemboweled this door is live yeah yeah miles was saying that the sign basically read that if you touch this door you will die so me and chuckles nearly got his head cut off the other day. We kept walking, and we get around to the convenience store, which is where the boom gate is,

and there's a guy there. We haven't seen a human this entire walk across the English countryside in like two hours. He starts to bop. The last person... Dude. The last person we saw was Zane and the Mrs.

two hours ago from the trek, and this guy's peeking his head out of the convenience store and he's like, gamer tags. I wasn't supposed to, I didn't think I was coming to this tournament, but I surprised everyone. So my tag wasn't Don B, it was Slick Rick. Yeah. And he's an American smasher.

I changed all my account details on Smashboard on Smash.gg and he's like gamer tags can't let you in and I'm like we said our names

first and he was like no. Yeah it was weird. You're like Slick Rick he's like ah trade him like a prostitute. When we met the same guy

like flies on a box of fruit when we met the same guy we walked up and they're like gamer tags and I'm like like envy and he looks in he's like it's not in here But he has a guy that's next to him who's basically shot telling him like the order of the alphabet alphabet Yeah, he did the same like the guy Over this henchman next to him and he'd be like, that's probably the fourth page. Yeah, it was so weird.

He couldn't read, I think. He's like, sorry, it can, but we haven't gotten to S yet. He was kind of having us sweating that we weren't going to be on this list and there was going to be a confrontation because he was going through pages and me and Josh, we've just walked. We're just like, it's Slick Rick and Josh Mann.

Please, sir. And he's like, right this way. When we were in London, I posted my exact coordinates and said I had clean, cheap heat. And I've been just trying to offload it. Dude, but we were saying it's like Uber, like the service that you're...

Yeah, but selling clean, cheap heat is just a solution to so many problems that we didn't... We never had access to this. It's like remember when you had to file the cereal yourself? It's like people went to jail for just having heat that was on the books. Before, there was this fantastic service. And now we have clean, cheap heat. Can you imagine 2010 before your app kicked off?

No one had access to clean, cheap heat for them. Yeah, come to Puntin's Camber Sands, I have clean, cheap heat. Heat for Yeah. Come to Ponton's Camber Sands. I have clean cheap heat. Heat for hire. It hit my lung. No cereal numbers. 300 quid,

a pistol, and no questions. Ponton's would be pretty lit if everyone got a pistol at the door with one bullet. Everybody has to

everybody has to hit and carry. Dude, Ponton's is lit because no one has heat. So I lost my phone, guys. And I told Zane, can you just message? I'm pretty sure it's in the Uber. Can you just message the guy?

And he goes, yeah, okay. And Caitlyn, Zane's girlfriend, is the only one who has a UK sim. So I leave them and he says, I'll call tonight. But it's like 1 a.mam and we go to the venue. He comes the next day and he doesn't come right up to me. So I'm like, oh, my phone's dead. The action's off. There's no phone.

But then I asked him and he goes, oh, I didn't call. He's like, sorry, man. I'm like, don't be sorry. This is actually good because it means we're still live. Because you being crestfallen about the phone in my mind meant it was dead. But now you're telling me we've still got a shot.

Yeah, yeah. So we call the guy and it's barely discernible. Good boy, Speed Cop. Bye bye, Speed Cop. I'm not nicked anymore so I don't need it. So we call the guy

and I can barely hear him between his accent and the crackling I can barely hear him. But for re-re-context, Aiden booked my flights here. And God bless his little heart, he booked me a 12-hour earlier flight. I was supposed to be on a 9 p.m., I guess. And now it's 9 a.m. tomorrow.

And I still don't have a way to get back to the airport. That's part of the whole thing. But I was going to be phone-less without a way to the airport. And now I just have one of those problems. But we call the guy. It's barely discernible, but I was telling Aiden, I told him I lost, we come in from the sheep. And the next thing I tell him is I lost my phone, but there's a two birds, one stone angle where we call the Uber driver. He has it. We get him to come out to Canberra sands and he drives me to Heathrow and I get my phone back and a Lyft. And we call him the next day, and he agrees to this. 200 quid cash.

I'm like, sort homey out. 200 bobbing your pocket. It's a lot of money. It's like, anyway, we're like, we'll line this guy's pockets, bring the phone, take me where I need to go. He agrees. And I send him the time I need to go, the date, where I need to go, when he needs to be here, everything over a text.

And then he texts back that he wants more money for the phone. Now it's more. Now it's more. So he agrees. But now suddenly it's more. For the phone? Yeah. Now he's holding me hostage.

He says 200 more on top so you get your phone back. Yeah. And he's like, I can give it to someone in London for like 100. And I can't go to London because I leave at 9am I have to go straight to Heathrow so I'm in this predicament where I have no phone and I'm not going to be able

to make my flight out of here I'm going to be I'm going to be the bones that line the mini golf course we're going to find Miles in a year and he's just like a stone like frozen

dude I'm the bad guy I have another one and it's just me of these statues there's going to be a new pirate statue after this weekend so now like frozen and... Dude, I'm the bad guy. We have another one and it's just me of these statues. There's going to be a new pirate statue after this weekend.

So now, I'm pretty drunk at this point when I see his reply text and I'm like, I need a level head because right now, a grand strategy needs to unfold.

You know what I mean? I need to be on my game. But we're talking that night and we're like, what if we tell him yes and then we just staunch him when he gets here Yeah, so my big plan was to have the guy come and like bring the phone

It's like yeah 200 Bob in your pocket Whatever you want cunt and then we just rip him out of the car because he can't have clean cheap heat In the UK there's no clean, cheap heat, and so we could just... This is a press X in GTA situations. We just get to the side of the car, and this hole is off the out. Yeah. I would love to catch a few assault charges before we go home. Well, it's just like, okay... What are they going to do?

This guy's willing to hold the phone hostage. It's like, come on down to Camber Sands, where Ponton's memories are created. Well, he should come down, and we should play him for it. Mini-golf, double or nothing. He gets double the amount of quid or free ride. So my options at this point, we're weighing up potentially a salty Uber driver. Which we were all kind of down. No, we were down.

No, we were down for this. You can't say this. You can't say this. And he kept saying, let's not do this. My client said the wrong word. Yeah. We were going to take the phone back. There was going to word. Yeah. We were going to take the phone back. There was going to be an implication.

We were going to take the phone back from the guy who stole it, from Miles. We were going to use his skin as disposable bed sheets at Ponce and Camber Sands. Whatever means we needed to do to get the phone back, we would have used. Clean, cheap heat. Or death. And death. Miles. So, that was one option.

And Kalen was like, why don't you just report him to Uber? And I was like, yeah. But then I never see my phone again. And it took my Gmail account two steps to this. He might be brute forcing it right now for my bank account. He's probably on a phone he left in an Uber already. He's probably on a separate identity. He just rebooted on another app.

We can stop him from... We can... You can punish him. A little bit. but you can't get the phone back. Yeah, exactly. So that was one option. Another option was try to meet him in London. Another option was just let the phone be gone and just... Say GG.

Say GG. Because once we shake him down for the phone, he's not going to give me a ride back. So we also need to book a cab that I then get into while he's yelling and I sail off into the night. That's fine, though. By the way, this all has to go down at 5am at Ponton's Canberra Sands car park. Which you still

have to do tomorrow. Yes, but I don't have to stand over without the shakedown. Without the shakedown. It's so funny that your flight home relies on a guy waking up at 3am. And I still haven't called him. I was going to

ask him after the show. We're going to book an Uber. We're going to get you back safe. I need an Uber. We're sleeping on this and while we were drinking last night a smasher comes up to me

and he's like I have people in London like I'm on the London Discord and I know a guy who's there now which I didn't even understand like word word about you losing your phone

has gotten so far that like random London smashers are hearing about it and it's made it and it's made it to it's made it to the UK discord that he has lost his JB is that

slick this guy comes up to me and he knows that he thinks that slick Rick has lost his JT he's like not Rick and this is what I do

this is what I love about Fantino's gotta do something this is what I love about EU smash is like sans any micro micro celebrity status I have he was like slick Rick's lost his phone about EU Smash is like sans any micro micro celebrity status I have.

He was like Slick Rick's lost his phone. We've got to do something lads. So he comes up to me and he's like I know we have London shooters. We can get the phone

back tonight. Potentially. Because he's posting in the London. Like it's a fucking job. We got yeah we got a couple boys on the case. Like, it's a fucking job. Like, it's like... We got... Yeah, we got a couple boys on the case. We got clean, cheap heat drillers.

We got guys in London who can make this happen. And he posted in just the social, and he posted... Slick Rick's left his phone with an Uber. Can anyone... Is anyone willing to go and meet an Uber driver tonight for this phone back? Because the guy was apparently... I think he just really didn't want to come down to Canberra Sands and that's why he was trying to up it.

Sure. Which is fair. But um. Good thing he didn't. But. Old buddy would have gotten. I get into the venue right. The same time I'm talking to this guy who's getting on the discord. Zayn during the salty sweet they have fed

Zayn a heinous amount of drinking. Yeah, I think he had like 20 beers. And Zayn is standing over a bucket with Chali, and it was almost biblical. He's sitting there like this, and there's people crowded around like disciples listening to him just drunkenly rant. It was beautiful.

Yeah, shortly after this, Zayn, he kind of looks like when you're about to do a finish him move and Mortal Kombat like he has his idol pose, and he's like this And he but he's learned to walk while doing it So he's walking towards me like he's clearly coming to me, and I'm like oh no What does he want because he goes Nick and I'm like what's up Zane? He gets really close He gets really close to my face he's like I like you I'm like that's all you want to tell me he's like that's all I tell you he gives me a hug and he just waddles away I was the last I saw him that night did he came up to me and he's like miles

I love you man I was like I love you too Zane he's like that's the thing though man I don't feel like you really do deep down I was like no in my heart I really do he's like you mean that man he's like don't test me on. And I was like, no, in my heart, I really do. He's like, you mean that, man? Really? He's like, don't test me on this one. I was like, I mean it. And he's like, he's just taking it back. He's like, that's so cool.

Dude, so Josh put a couple on his liver real, real hard. Zane came up to Josh and he started trying to box him. Zane kept asking to fight. He wanted to do body shots. Yeah. And Josh, whilst you're sober, wasn't having it. And he kind of hit him in the liver a little too hard. Josh felt bad about it. Josh sparked the...

I'm starting to think Zayn only got good at melee to hang out with Mango. Right? He was on Mango mode. Dude, he went... Yeah, I've never seen Zayn get into the Mango zone. And all it took was like six British people to peer pressure him by walking up on stage after each win anyway Zayn being this drunk is a huge W for me because he has to bring Caitlyn to the venue now who was sleeping Caitlyn is the only person who has the

phone number of this uber driver I was talking through Caitlyn's phone I had to like be like Caitlyn can I use the phone please and talk this guy. That's how I was texting him. Yeah, yeah. So she has the number. I was using Rachel to call Caitlyn, but she was asleep. But because Zayn got so drunk, she had to come and pick Zayn up. But now I have this UK smasher who's asking for the phone number to post it in the Discord. And I have the two people.

I can link them. I can put Caitlyn in front of the guy, the Discord person, and now he can, sorry, she can post the phone number in the Discord. Someone calls it, they work out a deal. It's a one-one medrilla. Someone in London, who happens to be coming to Ponton's today. That's crazy.

You linked the phone number with the person who could call. They worked out a thing where apparently, luckily this smasher from Discord, his house is near the Uber driver's house and he put it in his mailbox.

Wow. So if Zayn hadn't gotten fucked up, if UK smashers hadn't decided to keep feeding Zayn hadn't gotten fucked up, if UK Smashers hadn't decided to keep feeding Zayn beers on stage, you wouldn't have gotten the JB back. And what is this if not J that you're experiencing? In a weird way, it has brought me joy. This whole story and this coming together. Yeah, it is a JB. Well, thank you.

Because I had to fight for my life last night. He's like, it's a JT. You're just so sad on that phone, man. It's a spectrum. Not for me. Only J. I've seen some of your replies. It's a bit teed. Just a little bit. Oh my god. I did have it out with somebody the other night.

I can't. I can't talk about it. We can't talk about it, but Slime had his most insane interaction with someone yet online. I basically got a two-minute voice apology because I took it to the next level. What? I'll tell you later, bro. Okay. It's really funny.

You posted bro's address? I just took it to the next level dude so this saga unfolding last night because i feel like it really it really got started when hungry box and zane played on stage last night it was like an evening salty sweet they're crushing beers during their set because they keep getting handed them they both had six each on stage but what people don't know is that Zayn had like 10 over the course of the day beforehand. He's not a drinker. So they're destroyed. And also, also, one of the other, very funny, I don't want to

name them, but one of the other matches that had gone on stage Dom Hines is freaking out right now. So one of the people in one of the salty sweet matches apparently was really drunk. So his opponent, out of respect for him, he looked around at the people near him before he's about to play. And he's like, I'm going to do a little bit of cat to even it out.

Dude. Beast. And then the set starts like 30 minutes later. They get up and play. Word comes through the crowd to us on the side of the field. And we're like, we're all talking to each other. He's like, did you guys hear? He's like, he did all the

ket. So one person is wasted, one person's on ketamine, and we're watching the money match unfold on the screen. That's crazy. I like that. That's great hustle, though. Is Domhain's getting a bunch of food delivered to him? Oh my god

They've brought us a bunch of food. Wow They've troughed us. Come on. Yeah, what is this? What's going on? Oh, it's watermelon? Watermelon mid podcast. Oh my god. Why is it so holy shit? Thank you huge. Oh Thank you any Financiers, thank you so much. Thank you appreciate so And we all watermelon now. Oh my um We see you today at pumpkin meanwhile

Meanwhile, we're on the side why YB's got the fucking speaker going. We're jamming. Anyone else starting to agree with alligators? Yeah. Oh, no. That's all right. And fucking me, Kalen, Donnie, we're packed up. It's going crazy.

Everybody's having a great time on the sideline. Dude, Zane is, like like slowly coming to as time passes. He's turning into a more functional drunk as we get a little more into the night. And he is functional enough that Kaylin turns to him. It's probably like 11 p.m. It's already looking like a disaster for Bracket today at this rate. And Kaylin is like, Zayn, you got to get packed up right now. And then YB jumps on this immediately.

He's like, you will feel better. It is good for you. And Zane is like, no, no. Aiden, tell them I won't do it. Take your medicine. And I look up at Zane. I'm nicotine sick. Like, I'm sitting in a chair, like borderline ready to vomit.

And I look up at Zane and I'm like, it's pretty tight. I was telling him, though, I was like, come on, don't make Zane pack it up for one. And two, by this point, there was already a hundred pound bounty, which I was also trying to call off. The boys were having this fantasy of wedging one. You can't wedgie one. You can't wedgie one. That's what I'm saying. If the Australians wedgie one in that state,

it's like an act of war. We were talking about this. It's like shooting friends. It's like shooting the nukes. Don't press the button. Going to wedgie one, nobody wins at the end of the day. Nobody comes out of that live.

It's like, it's not better for anybody. I think a big part of the problem though was at this point it was established that my phone was going to be gotten back by non-confrontational means and the boys had had a few

and Geordi specifically was pacing around going maybe we find another cab driver. Geordi just wanted blood. He just wanted conflict. Yeah. And I had to tell him I was like whatever this

Calling a cab to Pontins so you can beat up the driver He just wanted blood. He just wanted conflict, yeah. I had to tell him. I was like, whatever this... Calling a cab to Pontins so you can beat up the driver that's done nothing? Like, just catching an assault charge because you're just so pressed that the first dude who wronged you won't show up. That's what you do for fun in England. You order a fight.

And a guy just shows up, and he's like, all right, then. You actually... If Geordi really wanted it, you send him back to the pub you guys were at. And Geordi's like, guess what, lads? I'm gay. And then he just puts his hands up. The Pints of Guinness had the boys acting unwise at this point. Geordi has Funko Pops. He shouldn't be trying to fight anybody.

He's changed this weekend. Ponton's brought out dark jordy but yeah do you know about splitting the g all right yeah i've put it together you haven't explained it but i think i understand it so apparently in english culture if you have a pint of guinness there's like it's it's a branded glass and you try to drink down to where it splits the g yeah in the g of G of Guinness, the word. Yeah, so we've been called. There's multiple games going on right now.

There's Pack Watch, where you've got to show that you're tough. And you lose if you're not. Yeah, you lose. Someone will call Pack Watch, and everybody's backed out. That's so funny. I love it. Everybody's packed up. It's like three guys doing it.

It's like three guys and me for ten minutes. The three that matter. You were on PacWatch. I have a question. If I cut that black current in half three dot, is that a 1.5 dot? I don't think you want to cut it because it's an encased pillow. Yeah, it's like an extended release. This has been what the science has been trying to figure out.

Is two one dots a two dot? You know, is it linear? Right, we don't know. Science doesn't know. I think it could be exponential. I like that. I feel, dude, if it's exponential, four will ruin me.

What does it feel like? I never dipped in my life. Dude, I'm telling you, I'm not a nicotine guy, so I feel like I'm not describing it particularly well, but it's, I'm not a nicotine guy, so I feel like I'm not describing it particularly well, but it's a really intense head rush, kind of like, like, you're, you're, it's like you're doing half a Nang for like 30 minutes.

I've never done a Nang, so I don't know what to do. No, it's not, dude. It is, you get the same head rush, and your fingers get a little tingly. Is it like a Nang, Miles? It puts you in the slot slot honestly for 10 explain for 10 minutes you're like it's gonna be just a great fucking night and then it either curbs down or you do another and you feel terrible you know you know what the craziest part is though you don't need to do another it's a 60 minute experience

that's what it says on the pack fair enough but what the truth is is, though? You don't need to do another. It's a 60-minute experience. That's what it says on the pack. Fair enough. But what the truth is is that 3Dot is just crazy, and we should be on the twos. Yeah. Who's ever ripping fours are, like, truck drivers and shit. Dude, yeah, those... Dude, it's got to be only Swedish truck drivers doing fours. What's the introspection when you're buying 4Dot? When you're packing your lit with 4Dot, like, what's the self-talk?

I can't wait till this is in my mouth. You're running it down. You know what's funny about tobacco, as I was thinking about it, it's like, it's a recreational drug that turns what your body normally makes, which is spit, into poison. So you need to spit it out.

Yeah. Like, that's crazy. Yeah, it's just the spit poison. I don't think anything else does that. It makes what you produce into poison for your body. I think what we could do is we could get packed up, maybe double packed up tonight, and then we bite somebody and see if we can make them- Oh, make a vampire.

Maybe we make a Pontence Clown. Yeah, a Pontence Clown. Yeah. And we spawn a Pontence Clown. I'm going to go knock on somebody's door at 3am tonight like rapid with nicotine can you just invite me in like can you say it out loud yeah

yeah Josh made top 8 let's go Josh just beat frenzy so this is happening right before top 8 Josh just made top 8 Aiden also made

an insane run you played with your shirt off I did good no one asked for that I dude it is so that's my last complaint about the venue. Because the venue is actually surprisingly nice, I would say.

But apparently the AC at the venue broke two weeks ago. That's just what they tell everybody. So it's been... It's perpetually been broken two weeks ago. The Pontins clown put too many bones in the AC fan.

Yeah, I had a decent, I had a decent run. Made it into bracket today after like two rounds of round robin pools, which were really intense. I saw him clutch, love. He clutched the game five, love.

So fucking hot. He's different. I'm getting okay. I was proud of him. The shirt, shirt off hell, but I powered up with the shirt off

because I'm not fucking sweating through. You powered up with the shirt off and the Merlot fucking proud of the shirt off in the Merlot nails Merlot nails and the glitter bomb the glitter the one person I was going to bring up was the peach player which I was surprised I managed

to be was feck feck because I had not heard about these people before this weekend there's a team two sisters and I for two sisters from France that are apparently like the new wave like not Vaves run riot tempo team of Europe

who are. They got 3rd in doubles. They got 3rd in doubles they're amazing. They're way better like proportional. For people who don't play melee I think me and Aiden got like Dude we did terrible. Like 40th or something. Also, they've been playing for like three years or something,

these girls, right? Which for people who don't play Melee is a very short time. It's not a very long time. And they're both really good in singles as well, but even better together in doubles. And it's just like, we walked and we came to the venue and then immediately there's like rumors passing through the crowd. Have you heard of the sisters? Have you heard of the Sisters?

Have you heard about the Sisters from France that are godlike at doubles? And apparently they're part of a family of four. A Smasher family of four. Four siblings who all play Melee and are all really good. And I'm like, it's the second coming of the Lindgrens. Yeah, the Armadas. And then they'll all eventually transition over to 70 Star. Yeah. The I-4 is gonna

be a goaded 70 Star runner in like seven years. That's Cone. He's cool. He's the head TO of air. He's cool as fuck. I like that guy. He drove down from, so he lives in Newcastle.

That's about a six, six and a half hour drive down. And he brought a trailer and a bunch of people from Newcastle on the way. But their car broke down like twice on the way. Is that just what happened to you? They had a 12 hour drive. And at one point the trailer broke. So they're waiting for someone to come assist them on the side of the road. And they have a picture of a group of six people on the side of the highway

playing board games. That's tight. All right, Hayden, to take us out of here, we'll start with Aiden. Everyone give your review of Ponton's Resort. It's got to, I mean. So give a short review and then a star rating 1 to 5. I think there's so few places in life that you can go and truly surprise you. I didn't know a place like this existed.

And for 25 pounds a night, I can't imagine a more memorable experience. You loaded the meter till next decade. That's parking for an hour in LA. Tapping up the meter was like a recreational experience. It's like, fuck yeah, I want to pay for my electricity. Four stars, easy. Four stars.

Miles? Pontins is what you make of it. I've had a great time here. I think this brings us back to what it's all about with Melee, and for that I have to give it five stars. It's brought everybody here across Europe, us. This is the core, boiled down and smoked by the clown experience of what I love.

What other tournament could you go to where you battle with sheep, find a mystery family of melee players there's irish people there's irish people i'm just i'm also happy that like all the australians got to kind of cross over with eu melee too i thought that was cool yeah it's it's beautiful the way everybody interacts together and i think i am i'm someone who worries when i think american majors are awesome when it's big top eight and these massive convention centers and stuff. But to be in the upstairs of this place with like beer soaked, it smells like a barn a bit.

It does. And people play doubles. And it's just. It's crazy out here. Yeah, I think it is what you make of it. And we've made so much of it. I have to give it five. I mean, look, I've been saying it since I got here.

Everyone says, ooh, you're at Ponton's, ooh, this and that. And it's like, you know what? If I was at 1910's fucking depression, 1920's depression era child, this would be heaven on earth for a boy like me. Yeah, I can shoot myself in the head after one day here, because I will have seen all of life and everything it has to offer. Yes, and the color. I think Pontins represents this weird, inverted,

rotted core of dreams and ambition, and it's dying. Everything's dying. It's so fucked up, and it's weird, and it's like It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful in this dystopic way. It's like we have a little bit more time left.

The climate's fucked up and the green is rotting and the Lennon statue's hands fell off. But we're here for just a little bit. And that to me is priceless. Three stars. Five stars. Five stars? Five stars. Well done.

Yeah, I think that I came here kind of scared I might get a bed bug or two I might not have very good nights of sleep or catch a new type of COVID like a British COVID Ponton's COVID but I left feeling like I saw

a new color I'm like I didn't know this was even possible. I didn't know a place like this could exist. I didn't know I could be... I don't know I could feel this way. And all that included and considered with the arcade, and you could basically

raise a small family here. They do let the French in. Which is a... That's a ding. which is a star off. So I give it four stars total. And if you're ever in London, I recommend short drive from Canberra. Just stay at Ponton's, and you can drive into the city during the day to see the attractions. But, you know, it's a lovely time.

And I hope, well, I guess, no, I don't ever have to come back. I think coming back would be weird. There will never be a tournament like this again. Look, if Faith4 is at Puntins, I'll bet your ass I'm here again, but there's no other reason for me to come. Sometimes I watch something on TV or the internet, and I'm like, man, that thing just happened, and it went, and I wasn't fucking there, and I'm so sad,

and I'll never have it back. And to go now wouldn't be the same and I feel lucky that I'm in the video and you're watching. You're unlucky. That's how I feel. You are unlucky. That you didn't come to phase three by the sea. Hey thanks for watching the yard.

Everyone tweet at Ludwig your favorite shape so we can confuse him. Yeah he won't know what he's not here. So just pick a shape your favorite. He needs a motorcycle now to feel alive. Trapezoids. And we'll see you in the premium episode. Goodbye now. Bye bye.