The Yard - Ep. 128 - Ludwig’s stepdad leaks his past… (ft. Ludwig’s Stepdad)

Episode Date: December 30, 2023

This week, the boys are joined by Santa! (Ludwig's stepdad) The boys discuss Ludwig & Peter's history, filing a restraining order on Slime, and how Peter nearly partied with Obama...

Mr. Claus in the flesh, Joshie Bass. He's been working on this character. Oh, has he? And you have a sig. Yeah, well, Josh, i don't think it makes sense an australian santa claus it's wrong it's your guy right you tell me about your car well i don't know i just feel like it's wrong am i controversial for saying that uh i think i think santa claus should be an american look you give me 20 fucking bucks, you give me a hat, and whatever this is,

this is the best you're gonna get, all right? And a caramel croissant. And I'll add on to that. I don't think Santa Claus should just be American. I think he should be a black American.

Are we rolling? Santa Claus, can you come on out? Santa! Hey, you bitch! I knew it! I knew Peter would be here. Where's his money bud? Where's my money?

You took my money and didn't even have the consideration to give me a reach around! I think this is the oldest thing. It is! Give Santa his crush! Oh my god. You know what, actually, you sit next to Slime. You come sit next to Slime. Wow, here we are at the Yard podcast.

Make your way out through. I've been fooled. I was like, I was like, why are we rolling? Oh my god, I broke Aiden's chair instantly. God. Yes! This is good for us. Yes! Yes! I knew it! I knew it!

Because everyone was kind of like, on. And I was was like what is this shit? You're you can't hide anything Why are you dressed like that? Well, I'm just wearing normal clothes. No, you're not this is what I wore yesterday You look like you're a Papa Roach music video. Hi Peter. Oh, you gotta bring that puppy right next to your lips I'm good. Get it. You need it. You like really close likes talking to it. Hey Santa says he's good. He way up. I'm good. Get it. You need it. What do you mean? You get really close. Like, talk into it. Hey, Santa says he's good. He's good. I'm good. I'm straight.

Boom. Here's your coffee. Excellent. Thank you. Wow. And welcome to the Christmas episode, Slime. And he did bring up an important question. Where is his money?

Where is Santa's check? Dude, I didn't get paid. Oh, you. Did you send an invoice? No. So not only did you not Dude, I didn't get paid. Oh. From you. Did you send an invoice? No. So, so not only did you not send an invoice for yourself, think about it. You didn't send an invoice for Papa Saint Nick. Well, okay. If I would have done that, it would have been for me.

Because I earned it, Peter. Wow. Not even a fucking steak dinner. No steak dinner. I don't have the money. I told him you were going to take me out the next time you're in New Hampshire or I'm here and you're taking me out. I want Del Frisco's.

Whatever you want, Del Frisco's. That was the ghost of Del Frisco. Did I just fall on you? Is Del Frisco's a steak spot? I don't know. Santa? Yep. I just saw it. Del Frisco's. I think that's where Santa met his wife. And you're taking out Mrs. Agrand. Okay.

Mrs. Claus. Mrs. Claus. I can see that. To be clear, all of you at the same time, right? You're not asking him to take out... Oh, no. All of us at the same time. We're not going to have an Aiden repeat.

Wait, you heard about the Aiden thing? I did. I got some words for him, too. That's why he's not on the pod right now, guys. He's actually back. Peter just paid him a visit. He's in a ditch somewhere. Peter, welcome to the Yard podcast. Peter's my

stepfather, and I wanted you to come here, one, to give Slime a chewing out, which he deserves, and we're not done with you. And Christmas Day, we're going to put you on a roast and cook you and eat you. Okay. No, you won't. Stop talking.

Stop talking. We're going to do that. The second thing I wanted to talk about was me and Peter's history. I can't wait to kick Josh out. That's so funny. That's right. That's so funny. Why didn't you tell me?

Because it's a surprise. It's not dog. Why didn't you tell me, like, no, we'll just do the three of us? Oh, that was Nick. What the fuck? I told Nick to handle that. I had to handle getting Peter on. This is insane. It's not insane.

I did my job. He's sitting there like an asshole right now. I did my job. I'm being gaslit so hard. I was going to throw you under the bus, but I already did it. He did it first. So now it's your fault. This was his idea. Well, why didn't you just just say we'll just do us three well actually that piece of what i said

actually no you didn't in the chat no you didn't let me actually this was this was a sublime maneuver of manipulation because i was only talked into doing this this afternoon at the shopping mall i i'm we did also hoodwink you into throwing on a Santa costume, which you look ravishing. Thank you. You pulled off well. I don't think I need to gain any weight to emulate Santa's belly, though.

No, don't ever say that, ever. In the court of the right police, me speaking. I said, I vote job. Are we doing job? And then I replied, it's fine. I can't find a costume anywhere. We can just run it normal. I don't know what that means.

Welcome back to The Yard, episode 69, everybody. I'm blown away. Hey, episode 69, starring Santa Claus. It's the Christmas episode. I'm still waiting for Slime to acknowledge that he's going to take me out for a steak dinner. Peter, of course I'll take you out for a steak dinner. And you can get whatever he wants. I can get whatever. Lobster tails. And we can bring all steak dinner. Peter, of course I'll take you out for a steak dinner. And you can get whatever he wants. I can get whatever.

Lobster tails. And we can bring all the family. Yes, all the family. Except Ludwig. Even the French family? Do I have to? No, really? Mrs. Claus has to come.

Well, she's great. No one's saying no to Mrs. Claus. But what about like the cousins? Are you an elf in this analogy? I'm just, I'm the family guys i don't just become oh it's mr and mrs claus yeah who do they give birth to i'm rudolph do they have a child is jesus their child i believe it's rudolph and that's from god oh okay yeah that's how that works. Rudolph is Jesus's child from God. That's right. Peter, I wanted you to tell the story.

Two stories in particular. One, I'm going to put you on blast. Okay. Do you want to do that now? Sure. I want to tell the story of when Peter and my mom met. Sure. Because they started dating when I was just exiting high school. I was very excited when you met my mother, my stepfather Peter,

because my mom was all lonely and I was going to leave the nest. She wasn't lonely. I was talking to her. You were not. And I was in high school. When you were in high school. Actually, the math is close. It is kind of close.

Yeah, I was a grown-ass man. Peter met her, and I was kind of pumped because I was leaving to college, going 3,000 miles away. And I was like, oh, she won't be alone. But apparently, I didn't know about this. I don't know how you bagged my mom because the first date you took her to Five Guys. No, that's not true. I heard this. I heard this. No. Well, well, a lot of it's is, is untrue or I've been exaggerating. You took her to Five Guys burgers and fries. No, I didn't. No, no, no, no. So, so the way it happened was I met Paloma at a bonfire in April of 2013.

Did you find her breathtaking? At the North Pole. And I didn't know her. I just sat next to her like this in some chairs at a bonfire. Did you choose to sit next to her because she's beautiful? No, it was the open space. I just grabbed her and said, hey, can I put my chair here? And so then we struck up a conversation.

We were talking. And she said, why are you dressed like a Santa Claus? Because he always wears this. So anyway, she expressed that she liked this music that I had put on for everyone to listen to, which was Feist. It was indie rock, a solo artist. So anyway, I dropped off a CD of that music with the host and said,

could you please give it to this woman because she really liked it. This is Future Day? You went back? Yeah, I went back to Dave and Roberta's. And I dropped off the CD. And then a following week, they said, oh, why don't you come on by? And Paloma's going to be and I said okay so the first time I met Ludwig I was going into Dave and Roberta's house you were leaving and coming out the garage door and you were very polite and you were like no I went

and you went watch out bitch and uh and you said oh hi how are went, I said, watch out, bitch. And, uh, and you said, oh, hi, how are you? And I said, oh, nice to meet you. And it says here, let me, and he held the door open. And that's the first time I met Ludwig. Okay. Very polite, very courteous. And so then I went in and I met Paloma and then I had to talk her into giving me her phone number.

Wow. How did you do that? Well, actually I couldn't, couldn't i had an iphone 4s and i didn't know and i was i was a little bit inebriated and i couldn't get her put type her phone number into my phone because it was still because i was still new new as the 4s and yeah and um so she had to take my phone and put her number into it. But she grilled me. She had like the school teacher black rim glasses on and she was giving me the third degree. Oh, my God.

Why should she go out with me? But your game shined through. Yeah. It pierced right through it. Peter, can I ask, do you know what Riz is? Riz. You know can I ask, do you know what Riz is? Riz. You know, I think I do. It has something to do with charisma,

that you have charisma. Right. But it's specifically intended for the capture, if you will. The pursuit. The capture. The destruction. Incarceration.

Well. Of a woman. Of women. And so, would you say you Riz'd up Paloma? Nah. No? No, no, no. say you rizzed up Paloma? Nah. No? No, no, no.

To be clear, it doesn't mean, like, capturing. It means what you thought. It's up for interpretation, really. It means, like, charisma specifically in the pursuit of dating. You got rizzed. Hot pursuit. Okay. Dangerous pursuit.

I guess so. You got rizzed. You rizzed her up. I guess so. What was the moment in which she realized, like, Hey, this guy's pretty cool. When you asked her to go to five guys. Well, yeah. So, all right.

So we go on to part two of the story. So I did call her up after she, she gave me her phone number. I called her up and I said, Hey, would you like to go out? And she wasn't too sure about that. So she invited me over to have, um, I think they were making hamburgers. So she was at her house and it was a whole bunch of people there. Did she leave with five guys? No, no, no.

There was no five guys. So I was at Ludwig's house and Paloma was making burgers and there were a whole bunch of people there. And she wouldn't look. I was sitting across from her table and she wouldn't look me in the eye. told her that i told her don't look at this man so so anyway don't fall for his riz at the end of the meal and i was i was on my way out i said hey i'd really like to take you out and she said and i said what kind what would you enjoy i said we can do five guys or we can go to you know know, Michael Timothy's.

I mean, anywhere in between. Michael Timothy's, by the way, like a nice steakhouse. It's like going to, what's that place you ate by yourself all alone with nobody around? Oh, it's like Wood Ranch. Wood Ranch. You went alone with nobody to hang out with voluntarily. Nick looks like Michael Timothy's here called Wood Ranch. He likes to go by himself.

So Five Guys was real, super casual, but if you like burgers and fries, it was at one end of the spectrum. Five Guys burgers and fries. And Michael Timothy's is was at one end of the spectrum. Five Guys Burgers and Fries. And Michael Timothy's is at the other end of the spectrum for Nashua. So I said, and anything in between. If my name was Michael Timothy, I'd be at one end of the spectrum. That's for damn sure. Is it like Ruth's Chris?

Yes. Yes. Got it. The New Hampshire version. Right. So she didn't know about Five Guys. So then later on, I think she said, oh, he invited me to like Five Guys or something. People said, a burger joint? She didn't even know it was.

And then she went shopping. But you did go there, right? You did go to Five Guys? No, we did not go to Five Guys. You never even went? We went to M.T.'s. We went to Michael Timothy's. You actually went to Michael Timothy's?

We did go to Michael Timothy's. The way she tells the story is so different. The first date was at Michael Timothy's. He kept saying to me, we go to Five's five guys yeah we hang out with the guys and i say ptl when do we eat no we went to michael timothy's and then we went to the peddler's daughter for some what do you order some drinkers drinks what do you order what was your order michael timothy's i you know i don't remember but i did ask her if she wanted to to uh share a salad and she was just like she said someone one of her girlfriends told her that's a you know that's a bad sign

oh it's a red flag a red flag you dog does it mean that does it mean that you're soy no i think it means you're cheap to eat oh and i always i always thought that know, wanting to share like an appetizer or salad is more like, you know, hey, let's share something. It's intimate. We're eating the same food. But I guess women think that it's a red flag that the guy is cheap. Wow. So wait, did you propose to her? There?

No, no, no. First date? No. But like you ended up proposing and marrying Paloma. Yeah, three years later. Three years? So fast, Peter. Yeah.

And? What was the proposal? I don't even know if I know this. Oh, it was in March. We got married in like, what, three months. It was fast. We got, we, we, we. You guys turned that ship around.

We decided we were going to get married And we had a wedding in three months Wow If you go to Five Guys in Vegas You can do the whole thing there It's fucking expensive You can get a seasoned wedding too With the salt on it After Ludwig went off to college

That year in 2013 It was just like I had my own house Which was like 15 minutes away, but I was spending many nights over. Oh, well, I'll pause, actually. I've never confronted you about this, but they used to be like high schoolers.

Because I was, you know, you're laughing. You don't, Peter. You don't, I mean, Santa. Santa Peter. My mom, I caught her kissing Santa Claus. Right. And at this point, I'm 17. I'm in high school.

And my mom had been single for seven years. Right. And for whatever reason, I don't know why she did this, but in her head, it was very important that she remained single or kept the house sanctimonious. So she wouldn't bring Peter around, to my knowledge. She would sneak Peter in? She would sneak Peter in. And it was one of the, she doesn't bring Peter around to my knowledge. She would sneak Peter in? She would sneak Peter in. And it was one of the, she doesn't lie a lot.

And you can attest to this. She's not a liar. But she would lie because I'd be like, because I would know if Peter was around. Peter could not, I mean, Santa, clomping down the chimney. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time I'd know because there'd be a bunch of soot everywhere. Of course, yeah. All my cookies are half eaten.

And I'd be like, was Peter here? Was Peter here last night? And she'd be like, no, no. Wow. But then it's like, right.

Six, 15 AM to 15 minutes before I'm supposed to wake up. And I hear like, Peter, Peter, come on, go, go.

And then Peter's going like, stop downstairs. You used to sneak around, be real. I don't know. I don't recall. They don't recall? That's a heap of steaming bullshit, Peter. I don't know. I don't recall. You don't recall?

That's a heap of steaming bullshit, Peter. I was delivering all these gifts. I don't recall. There's so many houses, so many cookies. Which one was yours? No, I thought that there was a rule that I couldn't sleep over while you were there. That's what I was told. Were you fucking the vibes up? I was a kid.

I'm not fucking the vibes. You were absolutely fucking the vibes. I wasn't fucking anything. You were dressed like the way you are now. You were fucking the vibes up. You probably were. I'm not fucking the vibe. You were dressed like you were now you were fucking the vibes up Okay, I'm not dressed weird. I look good Like an inverted filter on shaggy My outfit earlier looks like I never saw it after you said it wouldn't make fun of you for that. I do right He's right. I did say that

Good I think so. Except the pearls. Right. That was the part that's like most of the outfit. Okay. Can I come clean? I found these. I planned a YouTube video where I had real gold, fake gold, real platinum, fake platinum,

real silver, fake silver, real diamond, fake diamond. And I was going to have you guys and Aiden check to see which is real, which is fake. For Slim Jim. Never did the video. Oh. Forgot about it. Okay. Years pass.

Literally three. I just found these. Oh. Today. Do you know if they're real or fake? It was that long ago. What do you think? Uh, fake.

Real or fake? Real or fake? Uh, they're fake. Peter, have you ever... Sorry. Stop. They're real. You're dumb.

He's smart. Real? Wow. They're real. Well, Santa would know. He's omnipotent. Peter, have you ever... Stop. They're real. You're dumb. He's smart. Real? They're real. Well, Santa would know. He's omnipotent. You know how you can tell? Because they're all different sizes. It's true.

If they were fake, they would be symmetrical. They would be all the exact... But it's very hard to find symmetrical proofs. It should go on a trivia show. I think you could win a lot of money. Like a mobile movie. Yeah, just something quick and easy. Get in, get out. Get in, get out. I don't know, a couple grand, let's of money. Like a mobile moving thing. Just something quick and easy. Get in, get out.

Get in, get out. I don't know, a couple grand, let's call it. Like a doubles. Nothing crazy, yo. Doubles type of thing. All you gotta do is look at them and say that they're not the same size. They're not, you know, either longer. But no, I don't think so.

No, I secretly like them and I'm lashing out. Peter, on the subject of pearl necklace. Oh, please. don't go there. We'll both attack you. We will both attack you. I- what? You're obviously a man of fine jewelry. You understand.

We didn't go shopping today. Me and Peter were both bad boyfriends today. Really? We were shopping for Christmas today. I had to send Paloma out of the store so I could like, I could like pick stuff. I did. I literally said, you got to leave now. And then the sales lady that was helping us store our legs, she's already like smiling.

I said, you got to, I said, you have to go. Go outside. Yeah. I actually said, go away. Go to the other side of the store. Then you want to buy a bracelet. And the lady's like medium or large. And Peter goes like this.

Medium. They bring out the bracelet. He throws it on. He's like, give me a second. Walks outside, finds my mom, goes like this, comes back. And he's like, we're going to need a large. He just literally went to my mom. Like, it's not a secret, right?

It's like, it's, oh, it's something in the wrist. We're in the store. It's not exactly. No it's like it's oh it's something in the wrist we're in the store it's not exactly no we're bad boyfriends at christmas time i buy i go to the same store in nashua it's a place called barmakians you know upscale jewelry and i buy i buy jewelry with her for her all the time there and this year i was short on time. And so, you know, we ended up at what? Is this a free advertising for? Blurping out Archie, no free advertisements. What is the deal?

Jewelry is over, party. What? Jewelry is over. I didn't know this. Jewelry is over, party. No, women like jewelry. To this day. Do you know why?

Paloma Steele, you get her a bracelet and she's like, oh my God. She does. Oh, she's got like seven sets of jewelry that I've given her. And it's all come from bar makings. She loves it. And the fact is, yeah, I'm a rock star when it comes to Christmas gifts. Do you shut down the Louis store? No.

I don't go overboard. I mean, I don't go and buy her diamonds, huge diamonds and stuff, but what I find is that it's very tasteful because it's based on her personality. Yeah.

Can I ask you a question? Sure. What's the time you've been the most angry at Ludwig? The most angry? I really don't get angry. Peter's so chill.

You're really chill? It's hard. What about Pernilla? I know she fucked up somewhere along the way. No. She did bark at you for years. What? But Peter can handle it.

No, I don't. She barked at you, Ludwig's sister? No. I mean, barked in the sense that she was. She didn't like me for like the first year or two. Yeah. It wasn't that it's something about me. She just didn't like the whole idea of her mom

dating she was very conventional like i i don't want a new dad type but you were chill with it i was happy that my mom wasn't lonely cigarettes he did so you know what actually i didn't slip cigarette peter you actually i think i bought i think i might have bought him beer no way for sure yeah bud bud light couple before it wasn't popular yeah before it got woke wow so you snuck him here oh yeah here i mean young man actually i i didn't give it to him just to be clear for the record okay i think i bought it and i put it on the staircase going downstairs and it disappeared he would do that he would because he's such a lawyer, he'll be like, I'm going to place this here, and if it disappears, oh well.

That's so fucking funny. But he won't, like, directly hand it to me. Yeah, yeah. He's like, well, if it just goes somewhere, then I lost my beer, and that's a ho-hum to me. You know who used to go to Mrs. B's and then drink her vodka and then put water in it? No. Well, she doesn't drink vodka, does she?

Well, she just has it. Not anymore. Not after we cleared the joint she's getting hydrated uh you don't miss his B I've had Mrs. B

okay she's really nice she don't fuck with you what the fuck what the fuck's going on what do you mean she doesn't fuck with me we went to Hollis

no one knew you good they said don't call me up uh you always like to lord it over you lord your people your adults in your life when you say they don't fuck with you I You always like to lord it over. You lord your people, your adults in your life when you say they don't fuck with you.

I liked how my mom didn't fuck with you for a while, but then she's come full circle. Yeah, because I was fucking electric and charming at your birthday party. You were charming. I charmed her damn fucking head off, brother. Yeah. No, he doesn't fuck with you, though. You're fucked with me, bro. You stole two rack. I didn't steal shit because I don't have

anything. I don't have anything. There's no money. It's in your fucking PayPal account. You got all the cred for that. I mean, it's just like, you got all the credit out of that video. Yeah, but everyone knows I snaked you. You did. I'm an enemy.

You got to go on a YouTube video and say, I tried my heart out and this guy fucking dicked me. Right. Well, I didn't say that on the video, but I'm saying that now. You're saying it now? You fucked me over. I did fuck you over nasty. And you know why? Because I was like, Ludwig's gonna want it for

content. He's gonna think it's better. I did it because I thought he would like it. Peter Cross My Heart hated it. No, I think he really wanted to prove a point. You know, an ethical and moral point in that video. I mean, you blew it for us.

You blew it for the average guy. Oh, I didn't blow shit, brother. I'm the average guy. You're an educated elite. So think about that and chew on that, Santa Claus. You did go to the same school as Barack Obama. That's true. That's true.

But he was a transfer student. He went to community college? Yeah, he transferred from Occidental after two years. He transferred to Columbia. He went to Occidental? He's not a real Columbia undergrad. No way! Wow, what a broke bastard. Two years at Occidental. Think five things he's done.

Peter, forgive me if this is... I don't know how old... I might have partied with him, by the way. Yeah, I was going to say, did you know Barack Obama? I don't know. I might have partied with him. I mean, you know... Dude, that's crazy. I don't know how old. I might have partied with him, by the way. Yeah, I was going to say, did you know Barack Obama? I don't know. I might have partied with him. I mean, you know. Dude, that's crazy. I don't remember. Do you know, do you see that clip where he's like, he's reciting a poem and he's like,

gotta have them ribs and pussy too. Have you seen that? It's real. It's real. It's crazy. It's part of a broader poem. He's just talking about the things he likes. He's just listing them. Listing them out.

Like Mary Poppins. Yeah. Yeah, that's tight. God, you're such a... How old are you, Peter, if you don't mind me asking? I'm going to be 60 in a month and a half. That is so fucked up. What is your...

Why? Because I act like I'm 30, right? It was just the other day that I was like... You have an insane youthful energy. It's great. Are you looking forward to your Roth? Why? Because I act like I'm 30, right? It was just the other day that I was like- You have an insane youthful energy. It's great. Are you looking forward to your Roth IRA maturing? Ah, yeah. Genuine question.

That was a really good pivot, though. What I'm looking forward to is spending all day on the beach with some cervezas, with the lounge chair in the waves with the water just coming up and tickling my, you know. Why is it tickling? It's Jingle Bells. Your toes? While I'm in the water like this and the water's just coming up lapping you.

Yes, sir. Your choice of words will do it. Laughing and tickling. Peter's got riz, man. That's just the final word on it. Peter, who of the yardlings, the yardboys, do you think has been the naughtiest? Is on the top of your naughty list this year? Oh, absolutely Tony Star.

Wow. Good thing he's fucking here. Aiden catches a break. Well, Tony's... Oh, actually, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Because there is Aiden, and he... Wait a minute.

Actually, actually, yeah. I don't know. Well... He was saying some stuff about Mrs. Claus. I know, but I think that he was under the gun there. He needed to come up for a reason. He made a PowerPoint. It's not exactly like he was...

It was premeditated, as they say in the court of law. You're such a narc today, bro. That's right. Yeah, I hate this shit. I'm the good boy. He's just as Sam as your dad. You're not going to be chosen for naughty. You'll never be chosen for a nice role

mm no Ludwig's Ludwig's on the on the good list I'm a good kid you should know he's not on the good list he's not getting any

lump of coal this year that's for sure growing up as young content creators Ludwig would always say it's okay I have a black stepdad do you think

do you think that's a nice thing to say? So what, he had a race card in his wallet? Yes, and he used it all the time. Not to say it. No, of course. It feels like you're implying that. It looked like a Starbucks stamp card from the 90s. It was dusty, it was used.

You would bring it. 800 uses. He was part of the diversity inclusive initiative before it was a real thing. Thank you. I'm saying Ludwig would say it in places where he's like, actually, I do know what adversity is like. Okay. So what I want to tell you is, is that's not a facade of his. Do you know that he went to bat for me with his mom in, you know, when his grandfather said something that was slightly racist and he went to bat,

he got into an argument with his grandfather. You remember this? I do remember that. Whoa. He went to bat because I wasn't there, but like his, he went to bat. He got into a literal argument, verbal tete-a-tete as it were. And his mom had to say, you know, calm down. All right, let's just leave it alone.

But he was going at it. He was there. That's so sweet. I'm arced. You should fucking talk about Peter that way. Yeah. And then, you know what? He's come around.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because they were hanging out, I mean, a month ago. When I met him, the first time I met him, I think he said something. He's like, oh, he's not that black. I don't know if that's coming around. Well, at a certain point, you just win the fights you can win, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's fine. No, but he likes me because the first time he met me was in Spain, I think it was 2015. And like, I took the time to learn his dominoes game and play dominoes with him for hours and hours, drinking red wine. And I beat him one time and he was just like, hmm, okay. This guy's not only handsome, but he's got brains. That's what he said. It was in French, but I'm pretty sure that's what he was saying.

It was in French. It was in French. No, we're playing dominoes. And he'd like say, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da. And I'd be like, could you translate that for me? Because it was way too fast. Peter, on the last France trip, you cracked me up. Do you know why?

No. Because we would be hanging out and and speaking in french and and for a while i had felt bad because we're speaking in french and although you speak a bit of french rudimentary phrase you get through you get by some things were just hard to understand and so i felt like we weren't including you at a certain point though we started speaking english and then i don't know if you remember this but you in the circle of us speaking English moved away. And then you started watching Berserk. And I thought that was baller as fuck because you didn't even care to be included.

You were just vibing, you know, feet lapping in the waves, trying to smoke a cigarette. Not just feet, by the way. Just the feet lapping. No, that's not what Peter said. Plenty of lapping. Is that the way. Not just the feet. Not just the feet lapping. No, that's not what Peter said. There's plenty of lapping. Is that the lapping happens all around you. Smoking cigarettes, plenty of lapping. And you just wanted to vibe and watch Berserk.

Is that accurate? Yeah. Well, you know, I didn't want, look, it was out of everyone who was English speaking there, it was like you, me, Pernilla, and your mother. And then there was a couple of your cousins that, you know, who speak English, you know, pretty good as a second language. But I didn't want people to have to be speaking English because I was just sitting at the table. And because it's kind of difficult for some of them. So I didn't feel like, if I wasn't even really paying attention and I didn't really give two shits about what the topic of conversation was,

I wasn't going to make them speak English. So the thing was, was I loved Berserk. I started watching it over there. And boy, is that good. That is, that, I watched, I was searching the internet for all the free video of, of Berserk that I could. You probably got antiviruses on your computer right now. I was just, I was just eating it up.

I was just, I was. So, what, what, who's your favorite character? Is it Guts? Oh, Guts. You like Guts the most? Guts was, Guts was real. Guts, I thought, you know what? I watched about, I want to say about 30 or 40 30 episodes and i

thought that his name was gus that's how that's how bad the the dude i thought it was gus and then and then i watched some of the uh some of the later vids and then they were like saying guts and i'm like i turned to livin i said i i thought that his name was gus and now they're telling me his name is gus with that big fang on him this is like thinking goku's name is like gary that is so fucking funny peter you just you just have no idea how did you get into berserk as a 59 year old okay so i was all right do you want this is a good story. 30 seconds left. I was watching a YouTube video, and it was like the top 10 violent animes to watch. So I was going through them, scanning through them, scanning through them. And then I got to Berserk, and I was like, oh, that one looks pretty cool.

So then it was number one. It was number one in this video, in this YouTube video. So then I was looking it up, seeing how I could watch it. And then I saw I could watch like the first 20 something videos for free. And free is always good in my book. So I watched them. And those were all like referring to the guy as Gus.

And I will tell you, it is violent because you would watch them not with headphone. No. Explain that choice. I didn't have it. I had an Android tablet that didn't have a plug-in for earplugs, so I was just watching. Because we're at the function, and then I just hear Guts murder several people.

Yeah. And he's doing so much of it. There's also a part sort of near the end of the arc where, I don't know, I don't want to spoil it to you, but Griffith becomes very powerful. I know, I watched the whole thing. Okay. All the way to the end. Right before they go to the Island of the Elves.

Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, yeah. Yeah, that's why I brought, I was like, how's Berserk going? He's like, they were supposed to go to the Island of the Elves, but it stopped. And there's like no more episodes. I don't know how the anime works.

Yeah, you should just get him the manga. He's going to. Yeah, he's going to. You know what would be sick is you walk away from the family to watch Berserk, but you watch the French dub. No, I didn't watch it. It's like you just rather listen to this in French. No, I was watching English.

Gus, what are you doing with the swords? It's so big. How do you hold it? Griffiths, you're so strong and sexy for me. Griffiths was evil. That was evil. That was absolutely evil when he turned into the angel. Oh my God. Brother, I know.

I've never seen it. You're like, he's an outwitting. You've never seen Berserk? This is crazy that me and Peter have seen an anime that you haven't. I know. It actually is fucking good. You're like the one fan out there like, I just don't want the anime spoilers. The Christmas episode, surely.

Surely this is the one where they don't get me. Well, he tried to turn me on to vinland saga and i started watching a few of them oh you did and i was just like yeah i did i watched a few of them and i'm like this is so tame compared to oh really well the first few for sure it's kind of dragging i have to get back vinland saga is great i liked that one a lot check out bocconopico don't i i can't say the pearl necklace thing you can't tell him to look at Boku no Pico That would turn him into a smoking pair of shoes It is funny though

Because the YouTube video you watched It could have recommended anything And your life would have been on a totally different path Well it did recommend 10 of them I saved that video so I can go back And look at them because I was just like I really never watch Japanese anime I'm going to turn you into a weed

I might wanna wear a costume at one point for Halloween we're gonna cosplay oh yeah cosplay I love I don't know

I don't know if your mother's gonna let me go to a cosplay so like a convention yeah I don't think so oh come on that'd be so fucking funny

that'd be tight Peter walking around dressed up like Sephiroth yeah oh man you could be Guts and I could be Griffith. There's not enough Santas at Comic-Con.

That's true. Santa's a... You could go wearing your normal clothes. Is that not sacrilegious? To be Santa at Comic-Con? No. The son of God. Santa is not Jesus Christ.

I don't know... He's another son of God. No, no, no, no, no. He's a saint. It's Saint Nicholas. That's where Santa comes from. He's a saint. Dumbass. Isn't a saint another son of God. No, no, no, no, no. He's a saint. It's Saint Nicholas. That's where Santa comes from. He's a saint. Dumbass.

Isn't a saint a son of God in a way? Are we all sons of God? Yes. No, we're all disciples of God. Christ. All disciples. Are you a religious man, Peter? I'm a secret holy roller.

What the fuck does that mean? That means that, you know, I'm a secret holy road. Let's not talk about it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're blowing up the spot right now. I didn't mean it. You chill with that. I didn't mean it.

Chill with that. That's why it's secret. Yes, yes. Yeah. Let's not tell people. I understand. I was being an asshole just now. It's okay.

God forgives you. All right. So presents. You got presents for us, right? You're Santa. So you brought us a bunch of... I want my present. You brought us stuff.

Do these explode? They do the thing, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're around present you brought us stuff They do the thing yeah What is it you got one next to you do mine? What is it? You do my door before what's this hole or a pole both sides of it apart from each other all right? Hey, I'll clap for you guys. Oh Peter say welcome to episode 100 of the yard 100 yeah, I thought was 69 well. I was making a joke okay welcome to episode 100 of the yard. 100? Yeah. I thought it was 69. Well, I was making a joke. Okay. Welcome to episode 100 of the yard. Are you sure we were supposed to pull it like that? Bro, what the fuck?

Yeah. That's why it pops. I thought it was going to explode. This was the most unceremonious thing I've ever touched. And then stuff, you get a little paper crown. Oh, it's like a gift thing. Is that a note? It's a paper crown. I don't know what that is, but this little paper crown. Oh, it's like a gift note. It's a paper crown I don't know what that is, but this is your little oh, it's a joke. What do frogs wear on their feet? flippers flippers flippers

Peter what do you call a blind reindeer? No unemployed unemployed no idea isn't that funny can I say no idea no you didn't what's a dog's favorite carol bark time dude bark the herald angels sing

why did the pony have to gargle because why do you think joke thing here's one Why do you think? Joke thing Okay Here's one Here we go What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Snow caps Ice caps I was so close You were close And nobody gives it to you You look like a RuneScape character Just born enough to talk to Peter What did Adam say the day before Christmas? You look like a RuneScape character. Just born enough to talk to Peter.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? Damn Eve, you bitch. Why'd you eat that apple? That's right. Oh, fuck. Wait, what did you say? It's Christmas, Eve. It's Christmas, Eve. Yeah.

You are the dumbest motherfucker I ever met today. And you should never forget that ever. Ever in my life. Give me these. Don't do that. Don't break them. They're taped. You're gonna break it? So this is, um... Candy.

This is like the trivia. How many continents are there in the world? This is so easy. Seven. Doesn't even bother that. Yeah, I know. That was silly. Peter! Let me ask you a question or two. Alright. Go ahead. I don't know what this is, though. Yeah, what is that? That is a butt plug. Oh, jeez.

Is it clean? They come used. That's a taste test situation, Peter. You're going to have to... International Limited. Peter, I have a genuine question for you. And Ludwig, maybe he didn't get the chance to ask you when it was his birthday, but he was going around asking everybody for advice. And you're a man who is double, double these guys' age, almost double mine. That's

scary for me. Not right. Wait, wait, wait. How old are you? 33. Okay. Almost double. Almost double. That's correct. Idiot. I'm sure you're getting further and further away from double. I wish you were dead.

Right. That hurts. So, so I have, what advice would you give if you could go back in time to your you know late 20s early 30s self as an elder knowledge man what would you say don't smoke cigarettes

really that's one piece that's actually so that's like a hole you have no idea that's a that's really good advice we don't fuck with that we don't even talk about it That's a really good advice.

We don't fuck with that. We don't even talk about it. That's even better than don't shoot heroin. But don't smoke cigarettes. That's so important. I don't shoot heroin. I still smoke. Actually, Peter's been helping. Peter, I'm going to give you some background on why that's such good advice.

I, from France, picked up a cigarette uh not an addiction an affliction uh because my abuse affection an affection i love them and we because we smoked them in france right and uh and so when i came back i was talking about how i smoked them on here and we had some threads from people who were upset about i guess talking about that fact talking about how I smoked him on here and we had some threads from people who were upset about, I guess, talking about that fact. Talking about it without condemning it. Yes. Well, I condemn it. I condemn it. I, you know, it's a, it's a nasty habit. So let me just tell you how I started. And it's, it's really weird. So I was in my freshman year at Columbia and I tried out for the crew team and I had never rode crew before, but I started. There's one spot, two people trying out.

No, no, no, no, no. But it was, it was, so I was on the crew team and there was a couple of guys from my floor and we were all newbies, uh, rowing crew. And one guy was from Nebraska. And, uh, so we were rowing. He said, Oh, try this. The Copenhagen, the, uh, smokeless tobacco. Just put a pinch between your cheek and gum and it'll give you a buzz.

Oh, you're packing. You're packing.'re packing so it's packing dip while i rode and then after and then and then i started doing it when i wasn't rowing and um and uh and i would do it at parties and you know to get like an extra buzz when i was drinking beer and um so i don't think a bottle yeah yeah it was gross it was absolutely gross and then um a year when i was 19 the summer after i turned 19 i was working on campus and i went to this bar called the west end i was with another guy who was a little bit older than i was a few years older um and we were we were uh at the bar and i was we were having a few beers after work and I'm spitting and I'm drinking, right? And he's just like, dude, that's so disgusting.

How do you think you're going to pick up chicks if you're chewing smokeless tobacco at the bar? So he said, try one of these. So he gave me a Marlboro. That's like a commercial. Oh my God. That's what happened. I swear to God.

That's exactly how I started smoking cigarettes. Smoking cigarettes at the bar in place of chewing Copenhagen. Wow. 19. And here you are. You're still smoking. 40 years ago. Man, you should stop, man.

I've stopped a few times. I'll tell you something. If anyone wants to stop,ix is a is a great way to stop you know my dad uh did the nicotine patches they don't work no i don't know if his whole life he was like he's like oh i got my patch and he would like you know a couple months he'd stop and then he'd just pick it back up but he would talk i don't know if you ever did it have you ever fallen asleep with a nicotine patch on he told me it was like the worst nightmares he'd ever had in his life what chantix chantixix. Chantix, you know. What is Chantix? Chantix is a prescription.

You take it. But basically what it does is it interferes with the neuron receptors in your brain that get, you know, satisfaction or get something out of smoking. So what happens is you smoke. If you're taking the Chantix, it doesn't, the brain doesn't get the satisfaction that it would get. So it's not fun to smoke anymore? Yeah. So after a while, and you build up how much you're taking.

For me, it's like if I start on Chantix within a week, I don't get any satisfaction out of smoking, and you just start not smoking. Peter, Peter, you ever smoke that G-book? Once in a while. Okay. All right. Once in a while. Okay. All right. Once in a while. I've been known to, you know, to imbibe Santa.

I'm the wackest weedest. If you're willing to share Santa at the North Pole, what's the hardest drug that has gone through the North Pole that you have dabbled in? What's the hardest shit you've ever done, Santa? Allegedly. Allegedly. And this is Santa talking. Peter's not here. LSD ever done, Santa? Allegedly. Allegedly. This is Santa talking.

Peter's not here. LSD? Oh, shit. Okay. Zipper loves that. You and my dad would have got along famously. A little Santa dope is what that's for. That's how they come up with a reindeer.

I will say, Peter being here has helped my cigarette problem. Because I only have one pack. The same pack that I've had forever. And I've given it to Peter. Yeah, that's good. We get you addicted to cigarettes and we also teach you how to quit. It's about character development.

Going through that adversity is something we can teach you. It's like college. We are an experimental time in your life and you will exit that time. Yeah, and you will have a degree that will not get you a job. Nope. You think it will. But it won't help. What does communications even mean? Yeah, because I communicate without the degree.

We all do it without school. So it's like, why didn't you pay for that? Isn't that crazy? We're all speaking it. We're speaking it. You got worse at it after school. It's true. It's true. They do. And I have a degree. What's your degree, Peter? I don't think I remember. Undergrad?

Yes. Psychology. Oh, you're such a hot girl. Oh, you know, it was great. When I was a psychology major, I had to do a project for one of my classes. And my project was getting these, we got these white rats and we got them high on marijuana. Oh, yeah? How did you do it?

You blew smoke in their face? It was a learning. It was a... The whole premise was... This is a frat party, not a school assignment. This was a school assignment. This was... The whole idea was to see how rats learned the maze under different stimuli, which was

getting high... Yeah. Or injecting them with amphetamines. Oh, my God. And then the control was no drugs or rats. One of those rats never left the maze in their mind. I have to tell you, they were motivated when they were shot up with amphetamines. Yeah.

And then that went on. Peter's actually on the credits for Vyvanse. My professor at the time, who's probably dead now, when I told him what the professor said, I mean, it was 40 years ago. So I remember the professor was like, he raised his eyebrows when I told him

I wanted to use marijuana. And he says, that sounds like a great idea. I just don't really know. I can't sanction you bringing marijuana into the classroom. But you're in New York City in the 80s. Yeah. So it's like, you might as well have been giving them that Columbia.

And they had, we had a, we had a, we had the, it was a rat. It was a white rat in a clear plastic box. And we had to plug up all the ear holes for the air and then I had to get one of my fraternity brothers to come over and smoke the joint

and blow it into the into the into the to get the rat high that's how we had to do it oh my god it was a good

it was a good it was so much different I'm gonna teach you something and I I couldn't I couldn't smoke it because I needed to like be taking down data. Right, yeah.

You had to be the sober one in the room. You can't be jotting down high. You're the control. Yeah. No, I had to run the rat through the maze and take the end jot down. And then he was the rat. You know, take time. Do you remember?

Were they better or worse on marijuana? Oh, they were worse. They weren't motivated at all. They just wanted to watch movies all day. And eat snacks. Yeah. I feel like if there's cheese at the end and you're high, you go faster. You go faster.

You start trying to use the force. You're like, maybe this time. Maybe the rat was like, I'm a fucking rat. He learns English and he's crazy. This is crazy. Dude. And at the end of the semester, after you finish the class and you finish your project, they let you keep the rat.

Oh, shit. You can smoke him out every day for the rest of his life. Well, you can take the rat home if you want. I don't think my rat wanted to have anything to do with me because I was shooting it up with a big... I got syringes. I got liquid amphetamines. I got liquid amphetamines.

I mean, they... From what? What? How did you get liquid amphetamines. I mean, they... From what? What? How did you get liquid amphetamines? Because they gave it to me because I was using it for an experiment. You just ask. You ask the amphetamine dealer. It's like, you know, doing testing with monkeys.

The highest college student you've ever seen. But they couldn't... I'm doing an experiment. They wouldn't give me the weed, though. That's so funny. That's so funny That's crazy You could have the amphetamines

But you cannot have weed Yeah it's cause it was called marijuana Which sounds And they gave me syringes To shoot the rat up I guess students at Columbia Shouldn't be stealing drugs from the school That's their thought

I didn't use the amphetamine Do you think Barack Obama smoked a rat out? What? No I don't think Do you think that he No but I think he actually didn't he admit Could he not smoke marijuana sorry sorry I keep I keep he's an island island man I

Have a New Year's resolution. What's that? I I want to look so Hot that we cannot do this podcast anymore because slime will only talk about how good I look. We're like really close to that. I feel like you get close to doing that already. Yeah, so you need like what, one more cut week? I have to shed off one more pound, that's all. And I'm going to do it with HelloFresh.

Oh, that's a good choice. HelloFresh is the sponsor of today's pod, and there's a reason for that. It's because they have over 40 recipes to choose from. I don't even know 40 foods. I don't know 40 people. Fresh pre-portioned ingredients. It's easy. It helps you cut down on food waste.

It also helps you cut down on your waste, Ludwig. I'm going to cut down on my waste because I want to be ready for the new year. Yeah. And also, if you sign up for HelloFresh right now, you'll get free breakfast for life until you die. Yeah. Free breakfast for life. That is not a result of a Verdugo match. That is the conditions of the HelloFresh deal that we have. It's HelloFresh.com slash the yard free. You get free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while the subscription is active. Think about that. That's free breakfast for life one breakfast item per box while the subscription is active

think about that that's free breakfast for life at the yard free hellofresh.com slash the yard think about how long your life will be it's i'm gonna have at least if i'm getting one a week 50 boxes more of free breakfast what that's you're only gonna live he's gonna hopefully learn math you're gonna live for one year the He's going to hopefully learn math from the nutrients. You're going to live for one year? The motorcycle's scary, guys. Dude, hopefully you'll live longer than Ludwig. Hopefully you'll live longer than Ludwig, and hopefully you'll have a happy rest of your life eating HelloFresh.

Now, back to the episode. Number one meal kit. Hit it. You know, my dad once lied to Vince Vaughn because he met him, and he lied and said he went to high school with him to, like, hang out with him. You could do the same thing to Obama.

It did. Yeah, Vince Vaughn and my dad talked for like three hours because he just kept saying shit from the school that he went to, which was close to his. Because he read a thing or two about the divorce in Chicago, and he just lied. And he's like, yeah, I hung out with him all night. That's so baller.

Vince Vaughn is pretty cool. But you could do that with obama if you see him at the louis store you go columbia class of 980 88 me and you actually i was a freshman when he was a senior oh i was like i was a freshman you kept trying to hit me up i said barry barry no barry please barry no i've got to get this rat really high. And that's the name he went by when he was at Columbia. He didn't go by Barack. He was going by Barry.

Did you ever go by a cool name? No. Don Pedro was like my frat name. Don Pedro? Don, Don, Don Pedro. And why do you think that's not a cool name? How did that not jump out at you immediately when he asked that question? That's a cool name.

It's a very cool name. Don Pedro, I don't know. I went by Anders for a bit in college. I remember that. I remember that face. Is that weird? No. Why not?

Isn't that your middle name? Yeah. Why is that weird? Because it's like he has a first name already. Yeah. Dude. Oh, get old. I literally have nothing.

Fear will defend him to the death. I mean, there's lots of people who want to go by their middle name rather than their first name. And they alternate throughout their life. I mean, I know several people who don't use their first name. They go by their middle name because they like it better. Peter, what's beautiful is you see Ludwig and all of the beauty in him and all the positivity. I see nothing but his flaws. Really? Really. I've known him longer than and all the positivity. I see nothing but his flaws. Really? Really.

I've known him longer than you. I know. I know, but you refuse to look at his dark evil flaws. He wasn't going to go to ASU if I hadn't come into his mother's life. I think he was going to go to UNH, right? Probably, yeah. UNH, like a pussy. He was going to go to UNH because he didn't want to leave his mother alone.

I know. I know. She'd be so sad. Dude, he owns you. Well, no, he helped me. Peter runs you. He runs you. You guys- Say it!

If you didn't go to ASU, you wouldn't have the improv and you wouldn't have become a streamer and you wouldn't be famous and rich. And you never would've gotten the license. Oh, man. Peter runs your shit. Peter runs you. Say it. He's pocket check, little boy.

Pocket check. What do you got in there? Peter runs my shit. Yes. Peter runs my shit. Yes. You run him. That's great, Peter. I didn't mean it that way. I'm just saying.

They're sick people. That he was very, very considerate of his mother's welfare, and he wanted to make sure that she wasn't left alone when he was going off to college. I love that bit. Right? And he wanted to be in the same, he wanted to be close by. Yeah.

Peter, I want to ask you a question. Okay. It is true, yes or no, that you are a black belt in karate? I am. Mixed martial arts, Shaolin Kenpo karate. Shout out to Strike Back Dojo in Merrimack, New Hampshire. I got to green belt and quit. Are you impressed?

Green belt is pretty good. It still makes you dangerous. You're dangerous. Let's go. It was a very very... With that ass, you're dangerous. Well, where do you think it all went? It went to my legs because I got kicks. That gym I went to, or the karate dojo I went to, was very American.

It was one of those... They have the different levels of plastic things that you punch through to see if you can break they have the different levels of plastic things that you punch through to see if you can break through them and you run like two miles and you go up a belt. Yeah, no, that wasn't me. So it was not impressive for me. I want to ask you, knowing this information, that you're violent with your hands.

Yeah. Of this group of four, Aiden included, but not here, who could you kill? Who would kill you? And then in between that range, where do they lie? So we have, you know, you could easily murder them with no more than a pinky of force, or they would murder you. Where does, and we'll start easy, softball, Aiden. Kill.

Okay. And it's just so, it's so lightweight. Yeah. And it's just like, it's just so it's so lightweight and it's just like it's so easy it's like a pigeon with a broken wing it's hand, mouth grabbing until he stops

he shakes and life leaves his eyes dead night got it that was a gimme let's slow it up a bit this reminds me of

the interview that QT had with her dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, QT did an interview with her dad and asked for streamer fights. Yeah, apparently he wants to beat my ass. He said he could beat your ass and my ass. I sleep him.

He argued dad strength against me, which I accept. Okay. Yeah. All right. All right. Next up, Iron Belt. Kill. Kill. Hi. Actually, wait a minute. He's got some martial arts training. Okay, yeah Alright, next up Greenbelt Actually, wait a minute He's got some martial arts training

Greenbelt? We'll pause, how old are we when you got this greenbelt? Oh man, it was so recent Maybe like 26 26 years old? Be honest No, I think I was I don't know, probably 10

10? Yeah, it was, I don't know, probably 10. 10? Yeah, it was a long time ago. 10 years old. 11, 10. So, kill. Okay. Wait, hold on, Peter, hold on. But what if I said I could do 11 pull-ups?

Does that change your mind? No. Not really. He's so honestly considering the dumbest shit he's ever heard. What if it was 12 pull-ups? So, actually, well, you know, the thing, no, I'm done. What if it was 12 pull-ups? Actually, well, you know, the thing... No, I'm wrong. Can you kill him?

No, go ahead. You kill him with cold blood. Yeah, you rip his head off and... No, I wouldn't kill him. How would you do it? Probably... Well, most people don't... It would probably be a strike to the Adam's apple.

Crush the windpipe. Which I, who's trained, would go, oh, I'd catch it right here. So I got your fist. You flip. You do a full body flip. But you see, I'd do a ridge hand like this and just strike you right like this. I didn't get that far. I don't know what to do with the ridge hand.

Discombobulate. You gotta know all 12 moves. We're now leveling up. That man right there. How much do you weigh? I weigh 180. Okay, maybe Mame Mame? that would be awesome Peter you know

I actively train in fighting right now really? yeah I think I out stamina you you smoke cigarettes OG yeah so I started smoking cigarettes

when I was getting my black belt really? oh yeah that's sick he told you he started smoking at 19 I just didn't consider that he was still smoking

while fighting they power him up he'd go back to packing the lip i think i could i think i could just outlast you the thing is he doesn't need he doesn't need to last you don't need he needs one strike you know you know the this is the rule is is that basically all fights go to the ground within 45 seconds oh so that's why in martial arts, you got to use your feet for kicks to keep the person away. And then, you know, if you're getting close, you want to be able to use your fists, your elbows, you know, ridge hand strikes, you know, spear hand strikes to the throat. You can spearhead his fucking eyes out. I don't know any of this shit. I mean, it's like, this is a mortal man.

Poke someone. Go right in the side of the eye. No, no, no. Scoop the eyeball out. I don't know any of this shit. I mean, it's like, this is a mortal man. Poke someone. Go right in the side of the eye. No, no, no. I do this. No, no. No, it's not one of these. It's one of these. Not too bad.

You know, so, you know, the fact is... Fuck, it's so hard. The fact is, is that, you know, if you don't know ground fighting... I have no ground game. And if you ever watched the mixed martial arts fights

on MM... what is it? MMA, UFC. Yeah, right. So you see these guys are on their feet. Sooner or later, that goes to the ground. Yeah.

And the person who has the best ground game is going to make the other person submit. I think he does destroy me in the ground game. He kills you in the ground. So, I mean, it's like,

you know, if you go to the ground, it might be a dislocated shoulder, you know, a broken leg. I call that maim. He gave you maim. That would be a maim. Okay. Would you go-go-plata me be a dislocated shoulder, you know, a broken leg. He gave you a mane. He gave you a mane. That would be a mane. Okay.

Would you go go plata me? Go go plata you? What's that? Do you know what the go go plata? I don't know what that is. That's like a Brazilian thing. Yeah. I don't do, well, see, jujitsu is a small part of Shaolin Kenpo karate.

A little bit of jujitsu, a little bit of Aikido, Kenpo, Chinese karate. Do you think I'd put up a fight? Oh yeah, absolutely. What is Sha- I mean, who wouldn't put up a fight? I mean like, put it on like, Nick's not gonna put up a fight. He has no ass. I'm putting up a fight. I hate to let you guys know that, I'm putting up a fight.

What are you gonna do, a pull up at him? No, I'm gonna throw hands. Yeah, I'm gonna throw hands. Literally gotta leave the room. What Nick would do is he would climb a wall and he'd be like, get me now. Yeah, I'd be like in the- I'd be like a luchador. He's just, on the ceiling going, What Nick would do is he would climb a wall and he'd be, get me now. Yeah. I'd be, I'd be like in the, I'd be like a luchador. I'm on the ceiling.

Yeah. Yeah. You gotta talk that. But you see the whole thing about, you know, martial arts is that, you know, it's a self defense, you know, it's like, you know, someone pulls a knife on you. I'm going to, if I have a chance to run away, I'm running away. Run away is the better option. And, and, you know, it's the better thing to do you you use your martial art as a as a last resort and this thing

when you see this in the movies okay what this this what this is is peace over war this is war this is peace peace over war okay let's bring it buddy if you don't want to when you close the peace chapter yeah and then the war the peace closes and then the war and then the war and then you go yeah I won and then you get to

so I mean it's like you know so it's now if it was you I know you're coming out oh hey do you beat Ludwig uh

see he knows all my tricks oh you've been wrestling for a long time you two boys and the thing is is that is that he also knows

that i had a spinal fusion i know exactly where he's probably he'd probably go for the ground game and he is i flip him on his back and i go for the exact spine that's hurt he he beat me in arm wrestling like how many years ago we should be arm wrestling so i mean the thing is is that and plus if i if i was if i was to maim or kill him, I mean, Paloma would be really mad at me. She'd be beside herself. So I don't think I would. I don't think I could fight you, Peter.

I don't think I'd fight him. I always tell this guy I couldn't fight him. I fucking hate you, man. I don't want to. That's such a mean thing to say. I don't want to fight anyone. I just want to live and level it. Except for Aiden.

I just want to sit on the beach, drink my cervezas with the water lapping at my undersides. Why do you keep bringing up the underside? Because it kind of tickles. It's lapping. I know, but it's a sweat. It's like cool, but it's also warm.

Have you ever taken a chaise, a lounge chair, and into the surf like this and the water's up to here and you're just sitting there with your cooler and it's laughing I know I know it's nice

and you're down there and it's laughing that was the first time I fell in love Peter and you're reading a book you're whole I like it yeah I'm reading a book

it's nice and it's laughing you know getting a little getting a little raised turning brown where would where would Santa go anywhere in the world

you have vacation tomorrow you stay there for a month where would you go anywhere in the world you have vacation tomorrow you stay there for a month where would you go Belize Belize yeah where the hell is that you crazy motherfucker

out on the island what is Belize in South America Belize yeah Belize is cool if I had a month I'd go to Belize

first row right on the beach you know you're a beach boy I like the beach. You and the waves. When are you retiring, Peter? When are you going to hang up the hat?

Paloma told me I have to retire when I'm 65. 65. Ooh, that's when the truly mature, the Roth, the 401k. The Roth era. The era. What, do you want to work until you're 65? Do you like your job? My job's getting old.

What do you do? Tell the people. I'm a criminal defense attorney, family law attorney, landlord, tenant attorney. Would you ever, did you ever come across the idea of being a billboard lawyer like Sweet James? Oh no, I think that's so tacky. Why? It's just, I just, that's, you know. You look so funny on the billboard.

This is many forms of advertising, but putting my face up on the billboard going like, I'll fight for your rights. That's just so funny. And you know, yeah, Kempo Karate. There'll be notes over war. Yeah, you could be the karate boy. You were Sweet Pete. I couldn't do that.

Sweet Pete will solve your legal problems now. Sensei Peter will solve your crimes. Did you ever see the sketch we did for Beyond the Summit where he was a lawyer? He was like a TV lawyer.

He was Hank Rutherford. I'll show you that. Show him. Yeah, I think he liked that shit. I'll show you my Rutherford sketch. That was a good character. Your job's getting old?

Yeah, because, you know, you see the same types of crimes. You see different faces. different faces, same crimes. Oh, same crime. When's the new crime going to drop? No, I'm just saying, you hear the same old thing over and over again. And after a while, it gets, you know, at the very beginning, the first five years, you're like, oh, yeah, man, I'm sticking it to the man. You know, I'm fighting for their rights and when you get repeat clients who doing the same old dumb shit

Jade's you it yeah it gets it gets jaded I'm gonna take this hat off because I'm getting hot up there oh my god you're a lot of except dad okay restraining orders yeah can I get one without telling the person who I'm having a restraining order against? Yeah, you absolutely can. I mean, you can make up shit. I could get a restraining order. Wait, wait, pause, pause. Let's follow this thought.

Okay. They don't know I got a restraining order against them. Right. But maybe I got one. They will know sooner or later because they have to be notified of a two-party hearing. No, sooner or later, because they have to be notified of a two-party hearing. If I have the restraining order and they infract it, like let's say I get a restraining order on someone because they've showed me their balls and I don't like that. And I don't want to see that.

Which is reasonable if someone were to expose me. That's reasonable, right? It's not a reasonable thing. No, no, no. Because you get a restraining order if you're in imminent fear of physical harm. I'm in fear of the stench? And this person would never harm you. What about if I had tapes of the person saying they could kill me in one punch?

No, that's a contingent threat. And I can't get a restraining order if they say that? No. If I say, you know what, I could kill you in one punch is different than I'm going to kill you. Okay, well, they said I'm going to kill me in one punch. Okay. Okay. Whoever this is, they sound cool.

Right. They've definitely said I'm going to kill you. I will kill you. I'll murder you. I'll eat your bones. I'll eat your bones. Okay. That's, that's, that's, that's, you know, and you believe them and it's the bones in your

body they want to eat. And they said it on tape. Okay. Would I get a restraining order pretty easy? You could go for a restraining order, but ultimately there's going to be a two-party hearing where they get to tell their side of the story. I get to tell- Do I get the restraining order before they get to tell their side?

Yes. You get the restraining order. It's a temporary restraining order, maybe two weeks, 10 days. Okay. But then they're going to schedule. Then he's going to get served. They're going to get served. Here's what I want to do.

I want to get a 10-day restraining order. Yeah. I have the footage of him saying he wants to eat my buns. Okay. The judge grants it to me. For 10 days? He shows up to do the podcast. I don't know who this is. saying he wants to eat my buns. The judge grants it to me. For 10 days? He shows up to do the podcast. I don't know who this is.

He shows up to the podcast. That we do in this world. Do we get to put him in jail? Not unless he's been served with the restraining order. He has to get a copy of the I don't know why I keep getting pointed at,

but this person would be able to come and do the podcast and have a huge wiener. They would be able to have one, but they don't. He's got to know that he's got, there's a restraining order, in which case he wouldn't be able to come and do the podcast. You can't surprise, be like, you broke what you didn't know you have. And then I put him in jail for a while.

No, you can't. No, no, no. That's a good thing. I would love to put you behind bars. I would love to do this with Aiden. Why are you looking at me? It's funnier to do it to Aiden. Imagine we all got a restraining order against Aiden. No judge would be like, yeah, that's a good thing. I would love to put you by this with Aiden. Why are you looking at me? I'm what's funnier to do to a Saving or it's a didn't know judge would be like yeah, that's a credible threat

No, but we thought he was a threat in your life. No, no We didn't just tell him that he makes friends with strangers in grocery stores But it should they would say it's fucking weird though, it's weird restraining order. But it should. They would say it's fucking weird though. It's weird, but it's not going to get you

restraining order. I got a legal question for you, Peter. Let's say I know someone from, let's say, back in the 80s who smoked a rat out until it couldn't

complete a simple task. What grounds do I have? I know a guy in, let's just say he's done LSD. Yeah, I know a guy

who was admitted to doing LSD. Can I nail him for that? Not a problem. And making animals do the drugs. Statute of limitations, sorry. I don't know what statues are around here. I don't know how that's relevant to what we're talking about. Statute of limitations. I don't have any of those limitations. Statue

that's in New York. My biggest one is care too much. I like the one that's in Denver Airport of the horse. That's a good one. So you hard. I like the one that's in Denver Airport of the horse. It's a good one. So you're saying I have no lawyering so I can apply in this situation? No, no, no. Not for something that's 40 years old.

Have you ever seen a case where someone represented themselves? Oh, yeah. It's a disaster. Yeah? You've never seen someone nice with it? I love going up against, in civil cases, I love going up against the pro se litigants because it's like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't like your tone.

Oh, no, it is. Because the judge even tells him and says, you know, you want to represent yourself. You know that you're going to be expected to follow all the rules of court just like a lawyer. They tell him this. I mean, and sometimes the judge says it like two or three times to emphasize it.

I think I clutched that. I think they're hoping to just pull up like Jim Carrey and liar, liar and swoon. Who was a lawyer. Yeah, but he like-

And he also found the truth. Wasn't he like a fake-ish? No, no. In terms of how the proceeding went, did he do the job right? He was a lawyer who lied as part of you know on it was unethical but he lied all the time and he couldn't and he got a curse so he couldn't curse don't you have to lie as a lawyer no actually

part one of the rules of professional responsibility and every state is that a lawyer cannot knowingly misrepresent the truth but okay, I didn't know that. That doesn't make any damn sense. Not only in their profession as a lawyer, but even in their personal life. Lawyers love this word. Lawyers cheat on their wives? Well, that's not – you can cheat on your wife, but you can't tell your wife, I'm not cheating because that would be misrepresenting the truth.

Lawyers love this word reasonable. And I learned this from our lawyer that we worked with that helped do a bunch of contracts if you say sweetheart i was just out with her and my penis was just in there no no that's not the way you say i was just out with her and she just sat on my penis and i you know, I can reasonably be assumed that, you know, I didn't mean for that to occur.

I didn't mean to bust my shit. Yeah. And that was involuntary. And so, that means we can still, you know, be together as husband and wife and go to Christmas

and Easter. Yeah, that's, that's really... That works. Here's what I'll get. If she, if someone believed that, I got some,

I got some slam that I want to sell them in florida what i don't get because i told you about this earlier i saw this case on twitter from like a decade ago super viral where a woman was on the show cops and she wanted to call in a hit on her husband and one of her friends leaked this to the police. The police got an undercover agent to be the hit man. And she is recorded on this episode of Cops going, yeah, I'm 5,000% sure I want him killed. Pays the guy $7,000.

They pretend. They make a fake crime scene. She shows up. They're like, he's dead. She bursts into tears. I've seen this. They bring her into jail. And then her husband's just there.

And he's like. Like a reality show. And then her husband's just there. And he's like... Like a reality show. And she's like, come here. And he's like... He's like, bro. No. No. No.

Don't look at her life. So she goes to jail. First trial didn't go great for her. Second trial, they try arguing that she was acting under threat of death from the hitman that she wanted him killed, and it wasn't real. How is the lawyer? The lawyer's lying. He doesn't believe that.

He doesn't believe that she's acting. No. Well, you see, here's the thing is that the lawyer is not the one who's getting on the stand and testifying under oath. Right. Okay.

So he's just presenting a defense. Now, you know, the person who actually has to testify and provide evidence is his client. Yeah. And he's just giving a theory to the jury that the client has given him. But when you're a lawyer. He's not lying.

He's not lying. He's just defending his client and giving a defense theory. Okay. But if he knows, see, here's the thing. If he knows what the truth is, because his client said, yeah, I put a hit out on my husband. Okay. If he knows that, if she told him that, and then he knows that she's going to get on the stand and said, I didn't, I never did that.

Well, he's suborning perjury and she's perjuring herself. So what she's got to say when she hires a new lawyer is no, yeah, I was, I, I, I never did this. I was, I was threatened by this guy. I was under, I was under duress. And then the lawyer, the lawyer doesn't know anything different. I mean, cause that's what it's called. Okay, but lawyers are dumb. I feel like they would say like someone would go to a lawyer and be like, oh yeah, I called a hit. And then they'd be like, I feel like a lawyer would say, no, don't tell me that.

Tell me this. Well, lawyers have to, lawyers have to question their clients in a certain way. Also, they get paid $400 an hour. They don't want, if they don't know the truth coming out of their client's mouth.

What is about attorney-client privilege? Then, then the, then whatever's in the police reports and stuff doesn't matter. Those are all allegations. Let me say, how about this? I have a lawyer. I'm in trouble. Some guy put a restraining order out on me and I violated it because he

had to... Soft hands. I wanted to feel him. He was nearby. He had to get taken down. And I'm talking to my lawyer and I say, hey, this is how this has went down. You're my lawyer now. By the way, I've got huge pepperoni nipples. Right. So what's like the legal following?

But attorney client privilege says that if like I tell him no one can know this. And you're the only person that he's ever told in his life about his huge pepperoni nipples. Let's say, let's follow this thought for a moment because I feel like we're losing you. He tells you this, you're the only person

who's ever told this. Let's say though, the town starts talking about his huge pepperoni nipples. I'm talking puffers, Peter. I'm talking like,

I'm talking a shirt on in the pool. Okay. You're like, is the water soaking up the water? Is that why they're big? No, it's just natural.

And the bar keeps like, hey, should we order a cheese pizza? You supply the pepperoni. And he starts cracking jokes at him. And I'm like, what the hell is this? Because he only ever told one man. And I only told one man.

Would you get in trouble? No. What? But attorney client privilege. You leaked. If you're a lawyer. Wait, wait, wait. In your fact pattern, you never said that the lawyer actually told anyone.

Well, I'm saying you're the only person I've ever told yeah but it's reasonable to expect that you can see them through the shirt because they're puffy yeah maybe he goes to the pool maybe he goes to the gym maybe he's taking a shower at the gym and there's other people at sea he always wears three shirts in the pool then would you get in trouble um no if you were the leak no if first of all you got to be the leak you have to be the lawyer has to be the leak yeah and he's got to be able to prove that the lawyer is a leak okay let's say you go on a show a podcast a youtube show and you're dressed as santa claus okay and you say my client has huge pepperoni nipples okay and i well then that would be proof that the okay but you have to do you could you say

that sentence out loud wait my client has huge pepperoni nipples no so first of all that lawyer who's on the podcast would have to mention his client by name okay oh he can't just be like i was working this guy huge pepperoni nipples. Right. That's not enough. He can be working with several pepperoni nipples. It's not the most insane thing to have. They come a dime and doesn't. You see lawyers all the time on various shows. Talking about pepperoni nipples.

They're talking about cases. They don't mention name, but they mention scenarios. And they're usually talking about cases that they've had, but they just don't mention the client. So they're not breaching attorney-client privilege. It can be breached and there are consequences. Oh, yeah, there's consequences. I like Tom Brady. Yeah?

I want to meet him. He's a good guy, I think. Can I... Me too. Can I hire you as a lawyer and sue him? What? To meet Tom Brady? Well, to meet to meet into a reverse restraining order he has to be close to me well um there is such a thing as a frivolous lawsuit so number one if you hired me and said i want to sue tom brady for x y and z for emotional distress okay well i'd have to meet

with you you'd have to give me something that I could say, okay, I think there's something here. 2007 Super Bowl. Okay. They were 18-0. They went into it. They were about to win 19-0. They were going to win the big one. They lost.

When they lost, I got made fun of at school for it. Oh, the Giants, right? Because there's one giant loss. All right. Perfect season was over. I would like to sue him for emotional distress. Well, you could sue him. The lawyer who sued him would probably get a bar complaint for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

You'd get in trouble? Yeah, you could get in trouble. A lawyer could get in trouble for filing a- That's some bullshit. I thought this country needed something. I just want to meet Tom Brady What if I sued Tom Brady on behalf of his son Do you own any of that

Cryptocurrency that went through FTX You can sue him that way I sue him for He promoted it As a die hard Tom Brady fan I bought a bunch of Doge I thought the doge

would make me good at football again. I thought it would make me good at football at home. And I relied on his representation as a spokesperson. Because I love Tom Brady. And I trust everything

out of his mouth. And he's a man of God. And he's a man of God. And he has two kids that he loves so dearly. Oh, he loves them. I think he has three kids, actually.

He loves his kids a lot. Yeah. What if I saw... So that's the way to do it. And then I could meet him. Yep. What if I saw... You might. What if I saw, like, a video? Oh it And then I could meet him Yep What if I saw You might What if I saw like a video

Oh no Don't say this Don't say this Don't do this What What if I saw a video Of Tom Brady kissing a child How do we get him sued

And I wanted to Sue him for being For kissing a child As a grown man Cause Can't I can't No

Why not Cause you don't have a child. Because you don't have any relationship to that child. How do you know that? Does a kid got to, what, hire a damn lawyer? Does a kid got to hire a lawyer? Call up sweet dad James? Yeah.

Maybe that's why sweet dad James is around. Because actually it might, if what you're alleging is that it was like some sort of child pedophilia. Yes. Then it would be a criminal matter. Don't allege that. Please don't allege that. I, I, I hereby. Do not finish the sentence. I allege please don't allege. I I I hereby do not finish

Hereby and with the old erity and complete genuine without a hint of irony or sarcasm That Tom Brady party cap drop Audio jungle You're saying I couldn't sue. I guess I won't then. I mean, this... Tom! You watch out. There's rules.

There's rules. There's rules. There's rules. And one of the biggest rules is that lawyers are not supposed to file frivolous lawsuits. That they have

and are baseless and, you know, are just wasting the court's time. You fuck with Legal Eagle? Who? He's a YouTuber. He breaks down like high profile cases. Oh, I think I've wasting the court's time. You fuck with Legal Eagle? Who? He's a YouTuber. He breaks down, like, high profile cases.

Oh, I think I've seen him a couple times. He's, like, beautiful hair. He's pretty good. I watch Legal Eagle. I don't know. I don't know if I actually... I don't know if I... Is there, like, a...

Is there, like, a... You know how, like, in the doctor world, if you're, like, a chiropractor, it's like, pfft, or whatever. Is there, like, a version of lawyer of that? Like, is there a funny lawyer? A para-eagle? The joke lawyer?

A paralegal? No, paralegals are like baby lawyers. No, there's different levels. There's different areas of the law. Oh, yeah. There's like so many dozens of different areas of the law. Like aerospace law, admiralty law, corporate law. You know, but there's different levels.

But you're at a mixer. They're all there. Who's getting made fun of? Yeah, you're at a mixer they're all there who's getting made fun of yeah who's at the you're at a mixer who's at the cool table who's chilling out maxing

and who is at like the kids table like everyone's kind of like on the jimbos here so the cool lawyer is the international corporate lawyer that's the person

who's flying overseas and making deals transatlantic or transpacific that's lit you know that's you know MX Black Card

they're at card corporate level and those those are those are those are pretty pretty good you know and i mean then i'm saying like then you got the bottom feeders the ambulance chasers no no those are personal injury personal injury lawyers make really good money yeah they're on billboards but yeah but they're still making good money rich you know jane sweet but then there's the bottom feeders who's that like the civil engineers of lawyers no no then that's no well you know collection attorneys attorneys who are like going after people for debt you know credit card debt things like that oh yeah and um i mean and you know sometimes they're going after people who don't have a dime for their name.

Then they're just going after people that... Well, that's because they're getting paid by the credit card or they're getting paid by this debtor or this bank. They sound like loan sharks. It's hard to... No, I mean, they're getting hired. They're doing a job. But, I mean, it's, you know, when you're going after the poor for... You think I'd be a good lawyer, Peter?

Yeah, you are. Oh, man. You'll be okay. I'll take it. Give it a. I'll take it. All right. Well, if you're watching this, please give us a billboard suggestion for Peter.

Oh, no. It'll be up in the city of Boston. Yes. No. For the year of 2024. It'll be right above the donkeys that everyone goes. I think G-O-A-T Goat. It'll say Goat

and it'll be you in a Santa costume. And it says Goat fight for you. And it'll be doing the peace over war. Submit your accuser. He's wearing a gi. Dude, that'd be so sick actually. You're thought about it

Oops Oh my god Is your dojo They do like the little Tape on the belt You get like red tape Lines on the belt Is that a thing

Yeah because there's Different levels There's different levels Of you know brown There's like First degree Second degree Third degree brown belt

So you get a little Tape on it Yeah yeah Black belt same thing Peter you still got hair man I do It looks really good More than you Oh third degree brown belt so you get a little tape on it yeah yeah um black belt same thing peter you still got hair man i do it looks really good oh yes i know that's why i'm saying it although i was although i was really impressed with your uh your temporary hair replacement right and and and the chick who put it on you yeah she was cool did you go visit her in vegas

did i visit her you did Have you gone and visited her? No. Well, you did, didn't you? No, I mean, I got it put back on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is that what you meant? After. Afterwards. No, Peter. She dressed up for you. I don't think that's the case. She likes you. Peter, your hair looks really good for being such an

old man. Stop saying that. I just got a haircut, because the shorter I cut it, the less gray you can see. Your hairline's really good. I'm just so impressed. I can see what she sees in you. And I'm glad she ended up with you and not me. Oh, okay.

You weren't in the competition, by the way. I wasn't in the competition. You weren't in the running. You were probably. I was a young buck. Oh, yeah. 21. You were not 21.

I think I was. It was 2013. 2013. I was 23. buck! Oh, yeah. 21! You were not 21. I think I was. It was 2013. 2013. I was 23. Oh my god, holy shit. You're so old. I was 17. I was 17.

Yeah, you weren't. I was 23. You weren't in the running. I was cleaning your guys' pool. Yeah, that's why you weren't in the running. I was cleaning your pool. I was setting up your cable TV outside. I had these little fucked up shorts on oh no oh

the tighty whities yeah i remember i had hair down to my ass i had hair that was a good day he knew the dopest indie bands and had the most water lapping up you had nothing that's true were you really a pool boy were you you really clean pools? No, I cleaned cars. I was not a pool boy. So did you have to like get up and press your chest to the window while they were in there? Car's junior style. It wasn't like Carl's junior style. I don't know.

Carl's junior style car wash. And you charged 3X. I worked at a dealership and I washed cars all day. And it was hard. And then like you, Peter, I applied to Columbia. Didn't get in. Did you? For undergrad? MFA, no. MFA in creative writing. It's like the best

in the country. Oh, actually, they have a great writing school. Yeah, it's insane. You gotta go for it. You know how extra Emily went to Columbia? Yeah. Isn't that fucking crazy? It is fucking crazy. She walks like this. Yeah, she does T-pose when she walks. What is that? Yeah, she walks like a penguin. Bless her heart. I think it makes her more comfortable, but does T-pose when she walks. What is that? Yeah, she walks like a penguin. Bless her heart. I think it makes her more comfortable, but it is weird.

She's cool. Oh, Peter. They threw my, they, Columbia, it's funny, Columbia. You got beef, huh? I hope the Alumni Association doesn't hear about this. They do watch us. They send me, like, requests for donations, like, probably half a dozen times a year that's too much and um and uh you know i'm high on their list because you know i've graduated like 30 years ago or more than that more than 30 years ago so like they must think i'm making a lot of money and um they kicked my

fraternity off campus for some infractions of a few brothers. I'm not going to mention the fraternity, but they kicked my fraternity off campus about 10, 15 years ago. So my answer is every time they call me on the phone, they ask me for a donation. I say, I'm not donating through the alumni association because you kicked my fraternity off the off campus and took away our house and so i'll donate to the the national fraternity organization and they and out with directions that money's supposed to be given to uh columbia fraternity brothers you tell the person raising money that i do and they're like they're like they're like i don't even know what and i and i i tell them the name of their fraternity.

I said, just pass this along. That's why I'm not giving you guys any money. And would you like Thin Mints with your donation? We're actually doing a. Do you chug? Did you chug beer fast? Oh, yeah. You still got that dog in you?

I did funnelators, man. You know, put the funnel like this. A big funnelator with a big, you know, rubber tube that goes like this. Santa, Santa Claus. Peter. You went glizzy mode. Pause. No, no, no, don't pause.

Let him cook, man. There's ways that could have been interpreted that were different than your intention. No, I don't want to get you down, Santa. Santa, you did your thing and that's all we know. Peter, do you think you could chuck a beer faster than me? No. You're so humble.

I don't chuck anymore. You're just so honest. He's honest to a fault. Oh, yeah, do you have you ever lied to me? How's it yeah, I don't think so when you're sneaking around you're sneaking around you That's an act of omission. Yeah, it's different such a lawyer You know my mom says that lying by omission lying. Yeah, I disagree with her on that all the time. You guys do fight on that all the time. All the time. We fight about that all the time. She's right, by the way.

No, she's not. You're not Paloma. I think you're right. And beautiful. Don't try it. Buddy. Buddy. All right, Peter, I got to call you out on one more thing.

All right. Why do you still watch Marvel? It's felled off. It's okay to quit. Oh, you watch fucking busted-ass Marvel now? What, you watch, like, Captain Marvel 2 and shit? Okay, so the reality is that I've been reading comic books since, like, seventh grade. I mean, no, third grade, seven years old and marvel and dc uh

you know both of them i know the universe is very well from the comic book and you know what it's great to see them bringing these stories to the screen so yep some of them suck all of them suck no they don't what's the last good one let's go let No, they don't. What's the last good one? Last good one. Last good one. Go. What? Last good one. The last one that tickled you that you went, yes, we fucking-

Like water or the ocean? Well, I want to say the Infinity Stones war. The two- Brother, that was five years ago. That was five years ago. Those are great. Those were good. That was five years ago.

So you're saying five years they have a dry spell, you're still rocking with them? Well, I still, you know. I mean, that's a blip in their history. Right. Five years? That's nothing. For Marvel? Iron Man came out 2008, so their whole history is 15 years.

It's a third of it. Yeah. I don't think they ever thought it was going to do so well. No, they didn't. Of the MCU. Of the MCU. I did not realize that. I'm still waiting for them to make a really good Fantastic Four movie.

Yeah, well. Because all of them suck. Yeah. Keep waiting, bro. I think I saw the first one when I was like 11. At least the first one had Dr. Christian Troy and the guy from The Shield in it. Yeah. The Shield, you know, what was it?

Yeah, the- Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. was a great series. I liked that one. What the- I liked Daredevil. They never did enough- You liked Daredevil.

I liked Daredevil. With Brad Pitt. No, no, no. Sorry, sorry. Ben Affleck. No, not that one. No. Oh, did enough. You liked Daredevil. I liked Daredevil. With Brad Pitt. No, no. Sorry, sorry. Ben Affleck. No, not that one. Oh, the show. The show with what's his name?

Charlie something. Dude, the Ben Affleck one sucked so bad. No, no, no. The series that they're going to bring it back. You can watch the old one. You know, they didn't do enough with Jessica Jones or Luke Cage. They got to bring him into the Marvel Universe. Dude, he's a fan.

He's a comic book head. Yeah. 52 years reading that into the Marvel Universe because he's a conch butt head. 52 years reading that shit. And Iron Fist. That was a good series. I don't care what anyone says. Anyone can make his fist glow like hot iron and punch through steel walls and stuff like that. That seems like a pretty, no offense, lame power.

Yeah, no, but he's a martial artist and he can put his hand See, Iron F fist right over there iron fist look up iron fist rule 34 zipper big hand don't do that

iron fist don't actually don't no no this is fun it's like it's like a Yoshi's Island

mini game for one ups iron fist is cool just pick one it's got some supernatural components Peter we're gonna watch something perhaps

pornographic here feel free to close your eyes pick one alright this's got some supernatural components. Peter, we're going to watch something perhaps pornographic here. Feel free to close your eyes. Take one. What? This might be a graphic image. What? Oh! Oh!

Oh, no, no, no. That's not what I was talking about. I was not talking about that. A little ire for a say. No, no, no. Peter, you ever gamble? I do. I like playing cards.

Yeah. no no no peter you ever gamble i do i like i like playing cards yeah as a matter of fact um it has been known for me to uh take away all of ludwig's money no way in texas hold'em okay i love that on occasion i have he doesn't know your tricks there no he actually i've taught him a few tricks peter but like see the problem with playing with playing Texas Hold'em for me is that I'm usually drinking and you got to drink, you got to get to that right level that gives you just enough

temerity and balls to like be able and, but also that you don't go over the top because the way to win

at Texas Hold'em is to lose the least amount of money. True shit. Sometimes it is, you know, and so, but yeah. Peter, God bless his heart, has in the past, I'll give him this. I'll give him very few things in life, but he's beaten me in Texas Hold'em.

Yeah. Yeah. And he's also- You played tight like a fucking OMC. No, no, no. That's not true. That's not true. I was playing loose.

I was doing too many plays. You're the OMC. Old man. Am I? Basically, an OMC is an old man who only plays premium hands and drinks coffee he was playing time no no but you see i don't drink coffee when i don't do that okay no way i mean so he destroyed you so he he in the past he's been yeah and i'm talking in the past like in the past five years anyway we play in france he's fucked up oh i was fucked up

i was i was drinking the Jamesons? You were drinking the Jamesons. I drank half a bottle, half a liter of Jamesons. Oh, I was feeling no pain. Peter was fucked up. What was the occasion? First night in France. First night in France, baby.

And so we're playing. And I know Peter's fucked up. Because every time it goes to him, he's like, what's the call? And it's like, bro, it's just the blinds. And the blinds hadn't changed. And the blinds hadn't changed. And he did it every time. I was doing really well for a while.

But then I just went over that line. Remember that line I'm telling you? You can't go past that line. So that's my plan if I ever play you again, Peter. Peter, I want to do it. But I like going. I like playing, you know, like Spanish 21. Oh, they love card games.

I'll play some card games today. Are you up or down lifetime? Oh, probably down. You see the thing? That doesn't really matter. And I like to play Texas Hold'em on the tables, you know, where you're playing against the house only. Oh, you're disgusting. Yeah, well, you know, the tables, you know, where you're playing against the house only. Oh, you're disgusting.

Yeah, well, you know, sometimes you, you know, you pick your battle. That's fair. You're just like sipping a beverage. You're just playing against math at that point. No, that's just entertainment. See, you don't go and gamble unless you have the money to lose. If you spend three hours at the table and you lose $300 when you walk away after three hours, then that was your entertainment for three hours cost you $100.

Such a lawyer. That's the way you got to look at it. No, no, no. You don't look at it that way. You look at it as if there's diamonds in the mud. And if you keep going and going and going, the diamonds will still be there and you'll get them. You have to keep calling and you'll get them. Yeah, okay.

You know what? And if you lose $300, you pay $300 more. That's called obsession. No! Okay? And you might call it tenacity. How about, yeah, dedication. Yeah.

Power of will. Being a winner. Fervor. Love. I remember the name. No, I mean, I like to gamble, but you know what? I am not passionate about it.

I like to do it take it or leave it it's like you know going skiing you know I go skiing and I don't ski every weekend

otherwise I'd be divorced but you know six to ten times a season six to ten times a season and I'm like

okay yeah now it's time for springtime you fuck on the slopes you go hard I go hard Peter do you fuck on the slopes like he says I am I go hard, yeah. Peter, do you fuck on the slopes like he says?

I am. I try to push the limit and do black diamonds. That's scary shit. No, not anymore. Not anymore. I'm too scared. I'm terrible at snowboarding. I've always wanted to be good at it.

I messed up my knee about, what was it? A few years ago. Not even. Two years ago? 12. You and my dad once. 12 years ago? Yeah, it was like 2015.

Oh, never mind. I tweaked my knee really bad. My dad, when he was a young guy, I was two years old. He jumped off of a second story building to get workers comp, so he didn't have to work anymore. Oof. Well, yeah. And it didn't work.

And then his knee was fucked up for his entire life. Right. Not gonna, no. Yeah. So you and my dad are the same. Yeah. I messed up my knee at,

uh, back east skiing. I love back east. Son of a damn bitch. I'm not gonna say the name of the place because they might not let me back,

but. Because you fucked up your knee? Yeah. Why would they not let you back for that? Because,

you know, it might give the, it might give the, it might give the ski slope some bad vibes. And that, and that, my friends,

was the yard Christmas special. That was, friends was the yard Christmas special that was that was the yard Christmas special you guys surprise attacked me with Peter I brought John

by accident we gotta go give him like a fruit basket or something yeah we gotta apologize to him he's drinking water out of the toilet

right now we can give him kisses on the cheek we're gonna give him a beautiful Christmas dinner tomorrow maybe the primo we put him on

he's Australian Santa and he likes that a lot. What are we doing tomorrow? We're doing Christmas. Oh, tomorrow's not Christmas. Never mind. It's Christmas Steve. Tomorrow we're just, I don't know. You want to smoke a spleef? No, I was thinking about stopping and getting some Jamesons. You should put this guy into some

gummies. The thing is... Who says that? Okay. You're right. I don't got to put OG on. He puts me on. All right. Well, thanks for coming on, Peter. Despite our differences.

By the way, Ludwig's going to give me your phone number. There might be some people coming and knocking on your door to make sure that you call me to set up a dinner reservation at Del Frisco's. We're just going to make sure that the reservation's made. Made, yes. I would love to go to Del Frisco's with you. Because you owe me some shit, brother. I do.

Yes, I do. I will treat you. It better be some edible. Kung Fu Santa's here. He's pissed off. I don't want you disrespecting my stepfather. It'll be a magical evening. Don't disrespect my black stepfather. And I'm not driving, so you better make sure I have a way home because I'm going to

be drinking Grey Goose martinis. Yeah, your top shelf. Top shelf stuff. Okay, I get it. Grey Goose, Belvedere. We want war at the table. Yeah. Lapping.

Bottled, sparkling, and still. Lapping my underside and such. Paloma likes, you know, she likes fine red wine. Oh, man. That was the lamb. know, I know. Oh, man. Oh, my God. What an awkward. That was softball. Hey.

You know what? She's watching. She's watching. Paloma is a fucking gem. Excuse my French. She's a gem and she's lovely. And I'm glad she's here and I'm glad you're here. Thank you.

Thanks for watching. All right, everybody. Ciao. Have a good one. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.