The Yard - Ep. 129 - Our best idea yet...

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

This week, the boys talk about the OfflineTV new year party, a new idea called the podcast draft, and how Ludwig was the asshole...

🎵 That's disgusting. And now it is midnight. Oh my god! No, he's been partying all night? Oh god, so much. He didn't slow down. Are we rolling? No, he's been partying all night. Oh god. Slow down Are we rolling? Oh

Dude hey so much cock. Wow don't stand next to me. Yeah, I don't like We're gonna age you like the Peter episode. Oh my god shit is popping out. Oh my God. Are you getting hard? It's getting hard. Genuinely, Archie might need to just like keep a thing over that the whole time. Keep a thing over that. Do you want to blur things? Archie, we need to be careful with this one. Because Aiden's got that shit on right now. It's self-censorship. Yeah, just don't ever move it.

Ever. If you thought this was too revealing of an outfit, well, he didn't because he wore it last night. This is not something I would put past him just wearing here today. No, 100%. No, it's the new Axie bodysuit. I would put it past him. I have a question. It's got the guy on it.

Were you already wearing this and just wearing your normal clothes while you were playing Melee just now? I just changed as soon as I stripped down and changed while you guys were in here. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I came in and he's playing Melee and like his normal stupid like Montclair shit and I'm like, oh, cool, Aiden's here.

I missed him. And then, I missed you a lot. And then he jumped into a 360 and switched into the Xenon Z-Equal. You missed him? You do look like proto-Zoah. Yeah. I got water all over my crotch.

You have to, hey, it's poison out. All over my body. This is a pando. The girls at the party last night were saying they can pee without getting water on their thighs, or pee on their thighs. Yeah. They were in a circle saying that. I don't believe them.

Wait, wait. They can? They can. Of course they can. I can go pee. They're saying like in the forest. Like they can go squat and take a pee, and it's not going to get on their legs at all. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I believe that. I don't believe them. Come straight out, presumably. And then one brave woman in that circle said, well, it gets on your ankles a little bit. She's just stood here in the courtroom. I have never seen a woman pee. Have you guys? Yeah.

Yes. When? What do you mean by see a woman pee? PCP come out of the pee hole of a woman. Okay, dude. Wow. I mean like, like not fucking microscoped in, like what do you mean? I've seen the boys pee all the time.

But you've seen the meatus? And you've seen it come out of it? Every time and then, yeah. Every time. The whatus? Sorry, somewhat times. How many times are you seeing the pee come straight out of the meat-is? I'm sorry, so is this supposed to be our one that doesn't get- Guys, guys, it's 2024, can we have a new show? No, no, the meat-is.

Can we do anything new for the new year? I think this is fun, this is science. 2024, no more penis. No more penis. I'm not talking about penis, I'm talking about the penis of the woman, which is the vagina. No more penis. You can't spell penis without pee. That's the penis of the woman, which is the vagina. No more penis. You can't spell penis without pee.

That's so true. Real! And that's why guys invented it. That's why men invented peeing. And girls invented... And then they copied it. You can't spell it with a gym... You can't spell gymnastic without the pussy being dead.

What is that? What is that? M.R. said that. Listen, listen. I've never seen that pee come out of the hole of a pee hole that was from a woman. And I just think that's not unique. Or that is unique. I think.

No, it's not unique. Aside from the fact that, you know, maybe you've just been friends with less women growing up than the average woman would be. I feel like the angle that you would see, it's just not going to be the same. I'm just asking, what's going on in there? Welcome back to The Yard, episode 169. It's the new year! 2024!

It's 2024. That was it. I was just going to say it's the year. Do you think... What was I going to say? Dude, Aiden's girlfriend loves him so much. I know. Oh, my God.

You know what I'm talking about, right? At the party, she was drunk and you were drunk. And all she kept talking about was how you had that shit on. She's like, he's cute, isn't he? And I'm like, yeah, he's really cute. She's like, look, his nipples are peeking out. She's like, I want to touch him. And I'm like, go ahead.

That's all you. She's getting reckless at the end of the last night. I was left out. I like peeked somewhere a little around after midnight. But she was peeking at like 2.15 when we were leaving. So she was like, do you know where the bathroom is? And I'm pretty sure she does knowaking at like 2.15 when we were leaving. So she was like, do you know where the bathroom is? And I'm pretty sure she does know where the bathroom is. But she asked me anyway.

I was like, yeah, I can take you there. So I started leading her to the bathroom. We get to the staircase. And someone at the party has vomited down the entire staircase. Yeah, I smelled that. Dude, that's lit. And I look at that and I go, I think that's vomit. And she's like, no, it's not.

And she gets close to it and she goes, yeah, it's vomit. She's like, no, it's not. She gets close to it and she goes, yeah, it's vomit. I'm like, okay, well, now what? She gets really close. She's like, I know another way. I'm like, alright, yeah. I thought I was taking you to the bathroom. You know how to get there.

I don't think you need me. She's like, come here. For context, we all went to offline tv party for new year and I found out that one time they left their pool heater on for a month and it cost 10k

what? and that's the place we went to Jesus Christ who's managing things? whose job is it to clean the puke? I think Henry I don't think to clean the puke? I think Henry. Ah, oh, Henry. I don't think he's the puke cleaner.

Yeah, Henry. They make Scar clean the puke. Dude, they had a... Gen Z making clean the puke. They had a fucking 20xx melee set up there. Yeah, I brought it. Oh, that's yours? It's our puke.

Really? Yeah. Oh, that makes so much sense. Which is why only people we know were playing it. To be fair, Brodin asked us to bring it. That's why we brought it. Oh, did he? Yeah. Oh, that's way more normal.

I thought they just had the bitch. I wasn't in my fucking 20-year-old era of like, can't go to the party without the sticks. It was the host asked for it. You've been talking about it a lot. I'm still in that era, by the way. I can barely go to the party without sticks. Why did you guys throw it in the loser corner? That talking about it a lot. I'm still in that era, by the way. I can barely... Why did you guys throw it in the loser corner? That's where it just was.

Oh, okay. They had... You guys are assuming we did a lot here. It was hard to get to and hard to find. Well, I think that's probably better. Why? Because it was easy access to go play it if you wanted to. Yeah.

It could be swarmed, I think, if it was out in the open. It's actually chill that there was, like, no one hanging out because it was, like, really easy to get on the setup. There's four controllers. It was super quiet. And 300 people. Yeah.

Yeah, you could have ran that shit. Not enough buzzy to go around. There's not enough of it. Well, Aiden actually brought enough for the whole class. True. He was serving that word we can't say on YouTube.

You were serving bus. Oh, serving bus. Yeah. You were... Oh, Serving bus. Oh man. You just wore that exact thing. Jesus Christ. You're just looking at his cock. No, I can't see his cock. I was cock out at the party. I'm looking at what is left.

What am I not seeing? Aiden's body is about the notes you don't play. I've eaten you up so much I don't know what left there is to bite. This is like in Aiden's body is about the notes you don't play. I've eaten you up so much, I don't know what left there is to fight. This is like, in Aiden's Celeste, this is like the version of him that he comes and has to fight. It's the evil version. Yeah, this is evil Aiden. It's all your insecurities and fucked up thoughts.

Manifested into one confident gay man. Yeah, manifested into a bisexual daft punk. So the yard took a lot of dubs at this party as a collective for one Aiden has out gayed Austin in front of Everyone. Yeah Dare I say he but mugged Gotta be a slur That's like, that's like jit, it just doesn't sound right. That's like, I know it's okay on paper, but I didn't like that. That jit butt-bombed me. In the streets of Chicago. Fuck it.

I got a trade request. Hassan and Will came up to me like a pair of GMs. And they're like, we need you to come up to the we need you to come up to the big leagues. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I make more money on this show. Dude, I had a conversation with them and then it ruined my night in a way because they talked about the trade. Yeah. And then and then I made an actual point, which was like, oh, because your podcast is a little too gay. Yeah.

And then they were like, yeah. But then I kept calling stuff gay throughout the night. Just like inanimate objects. I'd be like, that's too gay. Yeah. And then they were like, yeah, but then I kept calling stuff gay throughout the night. Just like inanimate objects. And you're gonna be like, that's too gay. There's so many gay things. Dude, Ludd's telling me a story

unrelated to this story. And in the story, he's like acting like what he would say as a joke to this person. And he's looking at me, he's talking to me. Then he turns to his right as if he's talking to like an imaginary person that he to this person. And he's looking at me, he's talking to me. Then he turns to his right

as if he's talking to like an imaginary person that he's talking about. And he goes, stop being horny. And he yells it. What? But when he yells it, a girl was right there. So he chose to turn and point at a random woman. No, no, no.

No, no. Yes. Wait, wait, wait. That's such bad phrasing. That's such bad phrasing. He chose to turn and point at a random woman point and there happened to be a random woman there. Yeah, she got caught in the crossfire. And he yells, stop being horny, and points at her face.

And she like, reels back like, huh? Like what? You caught her. I did catch her. You caught her being horny. She did say, how did you know? She thought no one knew. But you...

But you just... He's like, I'm so sorry, that was not about you. Which I don't know if she bought. Continue being horny if you happen to be so. She thought no one knew. He's like, I'm so sorry. That was not about you. Which I don't know if she bought. Continue being horny if you happen to be so. Do you? I'm involved in that. I took a dub as well.

Because we were talking with Will and Hassan and Austin about doing like an NBA draft for podcasts. And it's like we get a bunch of them together and we got like first round, second round. I was saying, I'm obviously first round draft pick, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We can't have the whole conversation we had about Joe Rogan's show. And then we were talking about, yeah, I guess this is in your favor.

We were talking about if Joe reached out, his people reached out and they wanted to come on the yard. Will we say yes? And I was like on the yard, would we say yes? And I was like, yes. We would probably snap to say yes. We'd have to do that. And then we'd be like, Joe, the vaccine. Also, take your shirt off. Get comfortable. Yeah, everything.

Et cetera. And we were like, well, if we could only send one of us, we'd actually send you. You'd send me into the mission? To the GCR? To Erzikstan? If we could only send one to Joe's podcast, we were like, because a lot of it is who would get asked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we would send you. Oh. Because I think you'd break him down. So I think, my evidence of this conversation earlier in the

night, you are a first rounder. What is, who's drafting? Okay, so the idea is, I went home and worked on this

idea. Because someone has to draft. Last night? No, this morning. I woke up and my first thought was like, I have

to work on that idea. That was a great idea. And the idea is you get like, let's say, five podcasts, people who all generally know each other, you know, like us, Fear and Trash Taste, et cetera. And every team is anointed one captain. So let's say it's you.

And the captain is going to go in. And then you determine seating in some way. And then you draft. And you create five new podcasts from the draft. And then all of, you determine seating in some way, and then you draft and you create five new podcasts from the draft and then all of them do an episode. Yeah. You also, my idea this morning. You throw Trash Taste in there?

Yes. You also, and this is the crazy part, including them this morning, you also draft your stage, which is what's set. Yeah. Which set? Because everyone has a set now. Yeah. Like I would love to strike Fear and Set and play

on Trash Taste. Yes. Play on Trash Taste, go to Japan. And then someone counterpicks The Yard. The Yard is a counterpick. You can't start there. It's really imbalanced. I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we were working on the strapped idea and I gave Will Neff an existential

crisis, which I love doing. Dude, Slime broke Will. What? Why? That's why I could break Joe in a couple hours. You know how Will is very kind and will come up to you and just say a really nice thing to you at a party because he believes in you and you know he means it? Right, sure.

So Slime kept doing an impression of that. Oh my God. To other people. Because Will stopped. He'll do this thing, he'll stop the conversation and he'll be like can i say something to you and i'm like and i said stop what you're gonna say right now you're gonna look at me you're gonna put your hands on me you're gonna say you are so fucking beautiful and i love you and you're special and everything you do i'm so proud of you and you're

gonna say that and because you say it to everyone it's not gonna feel special to me and because you do this to everyone they don't feel as special as well. Hassan hears this and he starts dying laughing. He starts jumping around like it's a battle round. All you guys talk about Hassan is just climbing walls like King Kong. He was. He actually was. He kept getting on the fucking

poles in the back yard. And then Will's like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, here, look. And I went to the person that came with Austin's show and I'm like, I just this i don't even know his name and i'm like you are fucking beautiful everything you do everything you touch is light and i believe in you and everyone just fucking dying and will he's like we shouldn't be fighting like this will's like will's just like kind of walking around he's's like, well, I do it because I'm envious of your guys' friendship. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you want to get real?

I wish I had, I wish I had better friendship. He points to the song and he's like, you think I'm close with him? He's there. And then we go, yeah, he's the Ludwig. He's the Ludwig. You want more from him, but he's always busy. And he's like, I'm busy. And then Will's like, but I want you more. And I'm like, oh, it's just the same thing two hours later slime's gone by this point he's like 2 30 now and uh and will comes up to me he's like well slime made me evil so i'm not so i'm not gonna be fucking nice anymore i guess i guess that's fucking weird and i'm like dude you know what's funny is will will and me we're talking and we had a moment like this last night. And he said something really nice to me.

And I started tearing up. It works. It works on me every time. Because which charm worked on you? No, he said the same to me. He said the same thing to his Uber driver. No, you wouldn't. It was special.

No, you're one of the best drivers. Dude, the way you made that exit was crazy, and I love you. You go so, like, you drive. Perfect. Your rating's 4A, but you deserve 4.9. There's people who mean it every time. And that's... I mean it every time?

I've not believed you for this whole time. He just wants kisses. He wants kisses. He wants little... I've seen Nick across the party. I've just, like, seen Nick from afar, because from afar because he's got his white shiny jacket on. I was a little drunk and I'd be like, he wants smooches.

He always wants a smoocho too, man. All right. So yeah, basically, we kind of just ran a slam dunk contest on that whole fucking squad. We really did. And what can we say? Here's what we need to do is keep our weekly basketball regimen going.

We need to show up. And then actually do the dunk contest. Because we're going to play them. I actually thought about it. I think we're going to win. Nick, you can't be the one to say that. I'm sorry. Why?

Do you got cement brick shoes for feet? What's happening here? He's got cement brick shoes. All right. No, dude. This is the segment on the podcast where we talk about Nick and the three ball. Dude. Nick and Nick.

Nick and his three point percentage. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. So day one of basketball. I'm a problem. I'm Stephen Curry on the court.

Stephen F. Curry. I pull for the three and I say, don't even try. Boom. Splash. That's all I'm doing. That's. I'm a problem. I'm Stephen Curry on the court. Stephen F. Curry. I pull up at the three, and I say, don't even try. Boom, splash. That's all I'm doing. That's all I'm doing. Ludwig learns it's splash season. And, you know, in splash season, you got to do a couple things. You got to tarp your house.

You got to tarp your windows in case of a hurricane. And also, in the next round of basketball we play, you have to yell, don't let him take those! Every time, I tell my public, go to yell don't let him take those! Every time I pull up I go you can't let him take those! And I start laughing every time I pull up. So I'm about to shoot and he goes and I'm like and then I go and I did not make a three pointer for an hour. It was a flawless strategy because Nick made zero threes for the entire session. This is literally Happy Gilmore when Shooter McGavin pays a guy to yell every time Happy Gilmore. It's the same thing. That's why I'm locked down D because I locked down my voice and my body.

Yeah. And the thing is, Nick, the thing is, although you weren't hidden, you kept taking. That's the thing. They don't have a funny show, so they won't make me laugh. Hmm? So they, oh, okay. Wow. So you'll be electric then. I'll be electric.

Dude, oh my god. Austin truly is their Aiden because we were all like having this insane like battle royale of arguing each other and Austin just kind of shows up and he's drunk and he's like, hey, yeah, I don't know. He's just like very shmeet.

And I'm like, you truly are these guys. You're just happy to be here and everything's great. Well, here's my theory why we're going to win. I did the math. I crushed the numbers. In basketball. In basketball. Great.

You do a lot of work. You do a lot of calculations. Wilnef, very athletic, very scary. Let me beat him one-on-one. All right, so we got a higher seed than Wilnef. We got Wilnef fucking covered. Hasan, he's a problem He's a monster Yeah

I don't know exactly What we're gonna do about him But I believe I figured out But I believe I'm getting there I believe Aiden is a better Basketball player

Than Hasan That's a dumb thing It doesn't matter If you get fucking dwarfed By the fire demon Well, I was thinking About this idea When we're three people

On top of each other We're bigger than him We have idea. When we're three people on top of each other, we're bigger than him. We have zero balance. When we're two people on top of each other, we're bigger than him. Well, debatable. Depends who the combination is. But I like three.

I like three under the trench coat on the court. I'm the tallest one in the group. Right. I think you can just tell he's taller while he's sitting. It's because of his gay outfit. Ah, it makes him longer. It's like stripes make you look fatter. It's like a funhouse mirror.

Can you wear the Daft Punk helmet when you play? Yo! Like fucking, what was it, Dr. J with the glasses in the 70s or whatever? Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. That's what I was saying at the court. I was saying I'm the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar of this court we're all at. Of basketball.

Because I wear glasses when I play. I need those goggles because I kept getting hit in the face. What am I supposed to do? I don't play basketball I know I just you're better than cutie at basketball. Yeah, yeah, so we have fuck up on cutie That was kind of sexist. I want to say I just pull the fuck up. I just said I want to say I dice Austin I'll say it okay you dice Austin. Yeah, I believe that we got them covered bro. I'll say it. Okay. You dice Austin. Yeah, I believe that. We got them covered, bro. We got them covered. I think I can.

We got them covered. I think it's going to be hard to defend Azan. Yeah, it'll be almost impossible. That's going to be the hardest part. Now, are you talking about in the post? Yeah. What about the key? Is that part of the situation?

Yes. Surprisingly correct. Now, where is the paint? Yeah, the paint is also involved in this. Yeah, there is paint. The paint, the post, the key. All of those would be problems of the sort. That double rim though, it's gonna be the death of me. That's not the problem. That's the problem, bro.

It was a double rim-ish. I know it's not the problem because Stanz went 4 for 4. Like Wendy's? Yeah, Stanz was a fucking Wendy's combo meal out there. Shit. It was impressive. Stanz went kinda insane. Does he have stamina? for four. Like Wendy's? Yeah, Stan's was a fucking Wendy's combo meal out there. It was impressive. Stan's went kind of insane. Does he have stamina?

Yeah. He'd been running a lot. He'd say, oh, I got Stans-mina. He would say that and then went through a ninja star in his fucking head.

Yeah, it split him in half. Stan's has been, he was here for a while, like a couple months ago, like running every day on the treadmill. And I was like, what are you doing?

He's like, I look like shit. Gotta get fit. Gotta get better. Gotta get better. And I'm like, what a grinder. He still is here, like all the time, right? I just never see him. So I'm wondering if that Stansman is paying off.

I mean, I don't know about the last two weeks, but he's here probably like every other day. On the basketball court. Oh, on the court it pays off. Is it? Oh, it pays off. Yeah? We didn't lose. Really? This is what I'll say about Stans on the court it pays off. Is it? Oh, it pays off. Yeah? We didn't lose. Really?

This is what I'll say about stands on the court, is that we usually play, like, whoever our extra number person is becomes a sub, so when people get tired, because they always do, they sub out. I've never seen a stand sub. Oh, wide ass, that's what I call him. Big wide ass. Big wide ass. I would never get tired, by the way.

He's got a plasma screen ass. He does. And he backs it up. If I played basketball with you guys, I would never get tired, but I would never make a shot. You would never get tired is such a lie. Oh, I... what? You would, yes you would. You would get tired. I wouldn't get tired.

Why do you keep saying it? You can't just keep saying it. Even if you're in shape, if you're playing hard, you're gonna get tired. If we're playing five full court, you'd get tired. I think you do zero explosive movements besides punching Invasive thing to say I'm just saying it's all explosive movements. Yeah. Well, that was what dodgeball was right? Dodgeball is a basketball but horizontal. Okay dodgeball. You don't even run I've always a lot of talking you run for the first two seconds and you stand and dodge

No, it's a lot, but it's a lot of explosive Explosive movements of dodging. I kind of agree with you, but basketball is way harder for you Basketball you just have to run from one side to the other side to the other side to the other side I have a question why dribble? It's the rule. Are you saying why do we do it or why do the inventors of basketball choose to say that? Why did they both? The inventors said it, but who are we to follow some of the rules of a tyrant? So I think the inventors of basketball, they probably just liked the sound of basketball hitting, I don't know, grass?

What they used to play on when they made this work? Yeah, back then it made a clown horn. They used to dribble peaches and shoot them into peach jars. Yeah. Now, I don't know why we do it. Why don't we invent it? That was why, when they started with the peaches There was no dribbling because the fruit just explodes

On the floor When it explodes it's what they call the paint Make basketball better Make basketball better? Rule number one, no dribbling Rule number two Get rid of the backboard Always break for monster

No backshots anymore Backshots bad Get rid of the backboard. Always break for monster. No back shots anymore. No back shots. Back shots bad. And you know I'm about that. Yeah. Number three. People on the bench can shoot.

People on the bench can shoot. I like that one. Three hoops. Wait, where's the third hoop? The third hoop in the middle that's like really fucking tall. If you ever get it in, you win automatically. And you got to build up to it. It's the ultra hoop. And we're playing up to it. It's the ultra hoop. And we're playing Fortnite.

No, it's the ultra hoop. And if you dunk the ultra hoop, you are king. And it's 50 feet. How do you get up to it? You climb it? Very few can dunk the ultra hoop. Okay, okay.

So you're saying it's a genetic thing. It picks out people who can genetically jump that high. Some teams win within seconds. There's a really, really tall ladder next to the ultra hoop that you can climb, but the opposing team is allowed to shake the ladder. And it's also the gay ladder. It's much like Ready to Rumble in the final match versus Jimmy King

where they have to climb the cage the hell in a cell. It's like that, but it's with basketballs instead. All right, so let's call up Off-Brand. We'll get this going. Let's go. Do something. We just said football with a third hoop or with three hoops. Football with three hoops?

Third hoop. What about one hoop? The middle one's an ultra hoop. When do we get to do the paint? Listen, the paint comes. When do we get to paint? The ultra hoop is a concept, but it's like basically you have to draft your tallest, strongest

warrior, and they battle the Ultra Hoop fight. And then all the underlings, the minions like us. We can't invent a sport we lose to fear and in. No, we would draft a boss. And if it's tied, then you play melee.

Ah! Here's what I really wanted to do, is you guys do your stupid fucking basketball game against them, and I'll just a boss. And if it's tied then you play melee. Here's what I really wanted to do is you guys do your stupid fucking basketball game against them and I'll just send someone else who's good and they're just bald. Yeah and like with a bald cap. And it's just like a really athletic black guy but he has a white bald cap on. Can it just be Mikey with a bald cap?

A white bald cap. Yeah a white bald cap. It's like what's up I'm slime. Are you wearing a beanie no i'm bald i and that's what i think i'll just do that okay yeah just don't hang out with us that's actually way cooler i don't want to play fucking sports that's way better why not uh i just i'm really bad at basketball man i cannot dribble you can dribble you would learn in like a minute you would think so yeah i. Because you're an adult. I'm really bad at it.

Yeah, you would just get better. That's how it works. I don't... Everything works. I'm bad in a way that's frustrating. Can Austin and Cutie dribble? Like, they don't play, right? I feel in my head like Austin would dribble like Stanley from The Office. Yeah.

Which millennializes me. But I feel like he would do that. Yeah, welcome, 28-year-old. Yeah, right? You'reializes me? But I feel like you would do that. Yeah, welcome 28 year old 29 this year. I well I have that fucking gross. It's not gross. You guys it's over for you when you're 30 My mid-20s him 29th in my mid-20s. Yeah, I'm in the middle of it. It's called late I see the middle 28 is not 20 to 20 I think 28 is a mid to I would say late to 20 late 20s. You think late 20s is one age? I would call it the day before you turn 30.

I'm on my late 20s. I cannot wait till you're 30. Oh my god, I'm gonna kill you with a fucking gun. I'm not gonna talk to you. I'm gonna kill myself before then. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Good, good, good, good, good. Oh man, we're all gonna be 30 one day.

Not all of us. Hey, one thing for basketball. Stop talking about it. 5v5 game. Stop talking about it. Who's our fifth and our sub? Oh, that's a good question. And who's their fifth? You can keep talking about it. This is my big question.

Their fifth is March. You may continue talking about it. March. March? March. So does that mean Zipper's a zipper? So ours is Zipper? Is ours Zipper, then?

No, of course not. If we filmed it, we'd have to blur him out. Our fifth will be... Welcome to LeBron James. Hey, audio episode on LeBron James. LeBron, you're here! I play basketball. Can I ask you a question, LeBron?

Of course you can. I'm LeBron James. What is your favorite Ludwig stream moment? I like when he played Winnie the Pooh. You liked that one. In March of 2021. Oh, so the new one did Winnie the Pooh, not the old Winnie the Pooh. Okay, that's weird.

How do you know that? Because I played Luddle. Oh, jeez. Now, I have another question for you, LeBron. I played Luddle. Between seasons. Cut or uncut, LeBron? Sorry, we always ask this.

A mixture. A mixture, I know. What does that mean? Well. If you might explain to us. So it's kind of like, you ever had an honored Palmer? Yes. It's kind of like that. Half lemonade, half iced tea.

So it's kind of like you've got a hood on your head, but it's like halfway up. Why do you think I shoot basketball so good? Because you have half your foreskin. Wow. And that's what it takes. I'm learning so much. And that was LeBron James, everybody. Thank you so much your foreskin. Wow. Wow. And that's what it takes. I'm learning so much. And that was LeBron James, everybody. Well, Cleveland's very own LeBron James.

Thank you so much for coming on. I think realistically it's Yingo. Yeah. It's got to be someone adjacent enough, or Josh Mann could do it as well. Does Yingling stand on business? Yingling's pretty good. He literally stands on business.

He is a statue who doesn't miss shots. Nice. So he occupies a small area of the court, but when he shoots, it goes in. He definitely misses. I appreciate you guessing but at one point, I think without looking, you should have said this.

I think Joshman makes more sense than Yan. Okay. For just it being the yard. Sure. But Yan's produced yard episodes. That's true. Yan saw my rotten wax bubble. You know what? Yan has jumped up.

Yan has seen more of me than most people I've ever dated. Most people in the world. Yan has seen... If you could pee like a girl, he would have seen it. Yes, yes. Thank you for putting me in terms of understanding. Yan has that fire when he plays basketball. He has no idea what he's doing but he's asking questions.

Yan does learn fast. Him and Joshman were both the tall men learning. I like that. What do we do? No buzz. Well, you guys did you did two episodes

without all the aiming and gaming. I actually forgot. I'm so fucking mad it didn't get a million views. I forgot. It might still. We can push it. Two apps.

We're going to make it. We are going to make it the homepage video. It's not too late to send it to a bot farm. Yeah. We're going to get fucking Putin on the line. The same way he rigged the election. Yeah. We're taking a week off.

We're getting all the bots to watch it. Yeah. He gets every real soldier to pull it up on their phone. Dude, I would love an influx of Russian PMCs being our fans. That'd be so funny. What is?

It's like there's a whole Russian yard community because they got forced to watch it for like for the army. Yeah. And then they're

just about it. Yeah. And they're like, well, the sub community in there is trying to kill us. Yeah.

And they meet every week to discuss strategies. This happened to Mizkif once. He had a huge Japanese audience because some dude in Japan just edited his videos in Japanese with Japanese subtitles and translations. And they got like hundreds of thousands of views. And then Japanese people would go to the stream and then be like, oh, I don't understand anything.

Yeah, wait a minute. I don't know this language. The subtitles are gone. This is actually a bad viewing experience. I always thought I'd be really sick to be like a massive... There was a band in college I knew about, which was like, they were really big only in Japan. But in America, like no one really knew them. And they were American.

Dude! It was weird. What? Yesterday, I met Lily's producers for some songs she's working on yeah and they were talking about how they went to japan specifically kyoto to this famous matcha house called like matcha house okay and they heard my song in it playing there baby it's cold outside with cutie that's correct those are the people that tweeted that right No no no I think that was just

Someone else tweeting That they heard it Why the fuck is this happening That was in America Which is normal That happens sometimes No it's not Is it normal

Yeah cause it's like Someone who's a ludbud Who just has control Over the radio Yeah okay I can see This is weird I have now calmed down

But in Japan That's weirder In Japan No But it's like You have so many It's just a ludbud Who has control Over the radio desk now calms down. But in Japan, that's weirder. In Japan, now, it's like you have so many... It's just a blood bud who has control over the radio desk.

Blood bud who's teaching English. I've been to Japan two times. Yeah, two times. I've never been recognized. Talk to me when it's like, oh, somebody heard it in a cafe in Lagos or something.

Oh, it's got... And then that's like crazy. Yeah, when they're bumping your shit in Jakarta, now we can talk. Oh, it's gotta be Jakarta. If I hover your flag in crazy. Yeah, when they're bumping your shit in Jakarta, now we can talk. Oh, it's gotta be Jakarta. If I hover your flag in chess.com and know where that shit is, I don't care. Dude, sometimes you're just like, what the fuck is that?

And it's like, this is a sovereign nation inside of Spain. And you're like, why do you? When baby it's cold outside is playing in Eritrea, call me. Yeah, fucking, Oh, my God. I don't care what you know. You know where that is? Yeah, it's in Africa. It's in the northeast.

He's so smart. He's right. Holy shit. It's the New Hampshire of Africa. That's really hurtful to Eritrea. Well, they have a Duncan's, surely. They definitely have a Duncan's. Zipper, can you look if they got got a Dunkies in Eritrea?

Take your time. It might be hard to find. God bless. Yeah, they conscript everyone in the military, and then they can't leave, and then they have to work at the Dunkies. Yeah, then they conscript them to the Dunkies. You do your mandatory one year in the military, and then you do your mandatory one year at the Dunkies.

It's a coin for which one you get. And weirdly, they still pay for your ASU you can't even go that's Starbucks that's the difference you know what I mean donkeys where does donkeys

stand on Israel Palestine on business on business yeah which is somewhere in the early Gaza Strip

dude you can't stand on business they do they do they're fucking real as shit about it don're fucking real as shit about it yeah wow yeah i think they're just a little more quiet i think all these giant brands are definitely siding with the uh the big air force base that's in the middle east that

donkeys no no no they say free palest Palestine American runs on Dunkin You heard it here first, folks Dunkin' Bomuts That's why I sipped that shit right Damn, you actually do go to Dunkin's Yeah, I use my fucking Dunkin' app. I get rewards You got the fuck, you got the evil and the good chows It's just so close to where I live On Wednesdays I get free donut

You like that You like a donut, right? I hate that Ludwig. You know what I like about Ludwig is I asked him at a moment of pride, I thought he'd be prideful. I was like, you think the donkeys out here is the same as the East Coast? He goes, yeah, they're the same. Wow. I was like, I'm surprised you said that.

Yeah, you'd think he'd be like, no, they cook it up different. No, I'm homeless, bro. Shit. They give you that racist coffee. It's real. You like it here. Yeah, it's all shit from the same factory. I'm slurping the same shit we that racist coffee It's real you like it here Yeah it's all shit from the same factory I'm slurping the same shit we all are That's real

Me and Ben Affleck trying to pretend like we're in the east coast still Dude I think Lovie was trying to make Airplane conversation with me last night Really? I think he didn't know what to say to me When you said do you write down your resolutions No I just believe in that And I think everyone should do that

I thought he came up to me and he wanted to say something to me last night What did he say to you Do you write down your resolutions? No, I just believe in that, and I think everyone should do that. I was the opposite. I thought he came up to me, and he wanted to say something to me last night. What did he say to you? I don't remember. Oh, that's special. But he pulled out a little decanter, and he's like, look at this. I've got peach vodka in here. Isn't that what Eamon got him?

Yeah, that's my Christmas gift. What'd you get for me, bitch? You sparkly bitch. It hasn't arrived yet. It's taken weeks. I haven't given it to you yet. It's taken weeks. So my gift hasn't arrived. You'll like bitch. It hasn't arrived yet. It's taking weeks. Oh, I have yours. I have yours. I haven't given it to you yet. It's taking weeks. So my gift hasn't arrived.

You'll like it. And it's past Christmas. I know. Aiden. He hasn't gotten you a gift. Oh, that's fine. God damn it. Take the outfit off. I can't.

I can't lose. I get a gift. I don't do anything. I win. No, no, no. Keep it on. No, he's going to take it. He always does this.

No, no, no. Keep it on. Oh, my God. Your shit sags like a goddamn sack of oranges. You do got to check your balls, man. Oh, my God. Yeah. You got to check them sometime.

You got big dick, man. I fully believe that you should write down your resolutions every year. You know this. I've done this for years now. Yeah, you've been doing this for a long time. I believe in manifesting goals. But the problem is you shared it with Twitter. No. And then you came up to me and were like, hey. That's my fucking

that's my, not my fake one. That's a fake one. That's my public one. Okay. We're looking at Eritrea. Is there a Dunkin' Donuts? Oh, he can't find any. The closest one is across the sea. Oh, they can go there. Saudi Arabia? They can get across there. That's Saudi Arabia, right?

Oh yeah, there's a small ferry Duncan pays for to just shuttle you over to Saudi Arabia. They got the Elon loop underground. Dude, I am the scourge of Saudi Arabia on chess. Because, like, I'll play. Dude, I am the scourge of Saudi Arabia. Because I play at, like, really late. And most of the people in my rating range are like from Saudi Arabia or India because they're up because they're awake humans like normal.

Yeah, and they're seven. And they're, and I'm having the sweatiest games against seven year olds. I don't know if the Saudis are sending their best at you. Why would you say that? Oh, wow. They're not sending their best, Aiden. Yeah. Some good people.

Some good people. That's so fucked up man Fucking Donald Trump over here. I destroy anyone under the age of 10 on chess.com. That's a lie. Oh my god That is the biggest lie you've ever said. No, no cap. That's the dumbest shit. In my rating range you fucking idiot. Well, you didn't say that you didn't say that. I said it before. You just said I destroy anyone under 10 on chess.com. Fine in my rating range. I bet MBS. I bet MBS is like 2k He's a gamer I actually straight up think it is Harder to play people your age in your rating range Than it is 9 year olds

Why? Because they probably got there in like a month The 9 year olds? Yeah where people your age have probably been playing chess for 8 years And have not gotten good yet Fuck it's so hard bro It is hard it's a hard, bro. It is hard. It's a hard-ass game.

You fucking, you made me sad, bro. Why? Because I posted in the group chat and I was like, I got to 700, boys. And then you said later, yeah, I thought you'd lose it right away. That's why I've been grinding it to 800. Did you get there? No. Did you lose the 700?

No. I haven't dipped. My man. No, I'm not your man. You're back. No, I'm not back. I knew this would motivate you. I don't want'm not back. I knew this would motivate you. I don't want to be motivated.

I knew this would motivate you. Did you write it down? What's your fucking... Did you write it down? Tell me your stupid resolutions that you hid from the world. No, that's not for the world. I can share it with you privately. Will you do that to me?

Yeah, I wrote it down. Oh. I wrote it down and... Will you say it to me in our secret place? Did you write yours down though? No, I didn't. Will you say it to me in our secret place? Why?

Why don't you write down your goals? Will you say it to me in our secret place? Yes. Wait, you guys have a secret place? I will write down my goals. Where's the secret? Our secret place is when we smoke a cigarette together and we live in the smoke cloud. Dude, you smoked a cigarette last night.

For New Year's. Yeah, I thought it was cool as hell. Which is bad. With Josh? We shared, no, we just, we just dubbing. We shared a Japanese cigarette that this man gave us. Nick. His name's Nick?

I'm really hoping it is at this very moment but yes i thought it was i knew it was four letters you're not thinking about me it's nick and coco okay yeah dude i had such a fucking funny moment last night uh so who was it it was it was connor connor eats pants like he sees me from across the party he comes over he goes oh like urgently he's like oh josh was looking for you and i'm like really like what could he like really urgently need from me and i start looking around for josh i'm like and then connor kind of like gaze he gazes away from me kind of stares down the floor and he goes uh no sorry i think he's looking for nicotine dude he was and if he puts together that josh must have been saying i need nick oh my god not

realizing and i i just i just started laughing and i'm like that thank you connor that's the funniest thing you've ever said realizing in real time like what have i he thought he was doing a good thing like coming to find me oh my god yeah josh josh had a good time he was he he did walk around he's like i only talked to one cool person there like that he didn't know he's like i don't know these people man he gets really nervous at big parties really you would you wouldn't imagine it was really funny he showed up and everyone started pointing at him being like you're not being josh you're being weird yeah yeah yeah we all see was talking about um peter when when he was drinking with peter at your house on christmas and he's like because i think zipper brought like the 18 year scotch

like the real shit the poison the poison and they just kept drinking it and he was saying it's like the dumbledore potion in harry where he drinks and he's like no more and then you just keep feeding it to him and he just has to keep drinking it we also talked about our best and worst

Christmas experiences and it was definitely losing to you guys in fucking Cornhole Josh took that extremely hard he should I know

that's what I told him he didn't play well at all I know he didn't show up. He was horrible. Horrible. Gavin Cano, if you're listening, we would love you on the podcast. I want to talk cornhole with you, bro.

We're going to do a cornhole tournament. I would sweep. One of these. We're going to skip basketball. We're going to do a cornhole tournament. You would not sweep. I'm putting you in the dirt. I would dust.

Look, I have already proven. I have cornhole at my house. I've already proven. Oh, that's true. You can run. I played against Yingo last night because we wanted to do a drinking game. Because we Ubered over to the party together. And I didn't have a deck of cards.

So I was like, cornhole one-on-one? Yeah. Solos. And every points a sip, just crushed him. You crushed Yingo? Just crushed. Just put him down. You know what I ate for breakfast this morning?

What did you eat for breakfast? Worms. You ate worms? Why would you eat worms? Yeah, I just ate a handful of fucked up worms. You're back on the worms, man. We talked about this. I'm on the worms again. That's why you're looking like the way you want to look. I know. I know.

You want to look better. It's really bad. Is this part of a cut or bulk? I just found them. And you're sure it's not like a girlfriend who turned into one? No, no. I would never. Regular worm. Yeah, I would go to a worm world.

Can I give you my tip? Yeah. Sure, please. It's the new year. Yeah. I would rather that you start eating a little better because I want you to fucking look good for me. I would love to look good for you.

And I think you can do that with HelloFresh. Okay. Yeah, they have over 40 options. No bullshit, this is not sponsored. It is sponsored. I did say, what's that? you. This is not sponsored Probably 50 straight up. This is actually just for me zero sponsors. Okay. Got it. Yes all I'll be your I'll be your disclaimer This is sponsored. They have like so many meals. I don't even

On God, I think they might have Recipes are we talking this isn't sponsored. I think they have like five and they all have worms You're saying I could get some they don't pre portion the worms either It's just it's like a very sorry and there's no mystery amount of water Every time easy and quick or is it like slow and difficult? Easy and quick. It takes two minutes, Max. Okay, two. It is easy. They're doing this thing. Not sponsored.

If you sign up right now, it's free breakfast for life. No way. It is sponsored, but free breakfast for life is real. They're doing free breakfast for life. It is sponsored by us. I'll tell you what, guys. I'll try this shit, but I will say I might go back to the worms. Dude, well, you're not going to want to when you try this.

You say I won't want to? You're not going to want to. Industry secret. You boof the whole meal. And look, they have 100 add-on items for all 40-plus meals. 101, I'll give it to you. Put some worms on it. Oh, I can put my own worms on the food.

That's the beauty of HelloFresh. You cook it at home. You can put whatever you want in there. You're cooking it, man. Oh, I didn't like it worms on the food. That's the beauty of HelloFresh. You cook it at home. You can put whatever you want in there. Oh. You're cooking it, man. Oh, I didn't like it? You didn't cook it right. That's so...

Thanks, guys, for all of this. It's really easy to cook. No longer will my body look as it does. I'm just going to give you this, homie to homie. Yeah. HelloFresh.com slash the yard free. That's the yard F-R-E-E. This is just homie to homie.

Don't tell people about this. It's like a me and you thing. It's just for me and you. It'd be fucked up for somebody else to use the code. It's free breakfast for life. You use this. Don't use this,E. This is just homie to homie. Don't tell people about this. It's like a me and you thing. It's just for his me and you. It'd be fucked up for somebody else to use the code. It's free breakfast for life. You use this. Don't use this, guys. This is my friend's slime.

If someone else uses it, I'm fucked. I'd be super annoyed. Because then if somebody else uses it, then Slime Logs on, he tries to use the code. It doesn't work anymore. Because I want my guy to get free breakfast. This is not for you guys. It's HelloFresh.com slash The Yard Free. Okay.

HelloFresh.com slash The Yard Free. That sounds good to me. And I'll get free breakfast for life. And I can put worms on it. Yeah, and now you can get a free podcast right now. Thank you to HelloFresh. America's number one meal kit. Like meal like grubs.

Thanks for sponsoring us for the last time ever. To fish. Wait, what were you looking for him for the other night? Yesterday. You just kept asking where's Yingling?

Someone came up to me. I was playing Melee upstairs and they were like, let's look for Yingling. Have you guys seen him? Oh, because I was trying for him for the other night. Where are you? Yesterday. You just kept asking, where's Yingling? Someone came up to me. I was playing Melee upstairs and they were like, let's look for Yingling. Have you guys seen him? Oh, because I was trying to leave. Oh, okay. It sounded like something happened. No, I was trying to go. Oh, okay.

And I was trying to bring him back and he kept wanting to play a board game. We started playing fucking Game Pigeon Cup Pong. Damn. But only in a car. And it is so hard. He leaves a ride or die, man. I like that guy. We've been playing Warzone. Dude, that clip

was funny. Oh, the boxing clip? Oh, did you post it? I sent it to him. Oh my god. I rarely send Ludwig clips from gaming sessions, but I was like, Ludwig needs to see this one. It's truly comedy. It's like, it reminded me of those old, I still always wanted to be like a fun family. I funny moments. Let's play youtuber And just like with the boys making funny. Are you gonna make a video at a fortnight?

I'm supposed to make a youtube short But I don't know if it will make a video be a pad shake get shake to work for one video in life Why because there's no resolution this, the session was not that good. It was really funny. He was a kiddie. You guys suck. The banters were insane. I was really bad.

You guys fucking blow. It doesn't matter. It was funny. I told you this. Am I the only one who cares about talent? It'd be funny, I think, if there was a payoff. The clip. I wish you were dead.

Someone posted it in the Yard Discord. The clip of you popping off and saying, Ben, that guy. that guy Ben that guy and then Nick is like it's it's Google It was so far fall I've been for tonight putting bots in your games if you haven't played in a while is so cringe sucks Okay, well with the ranked we did after was no boss It was a mixture and we were getting it's always a mix Rank games to To like fill out lobbies now yeah, yeah, I do that call a fucking dude mm-hmm American video is a good game whatever but for tonight is a better game

It's not it just is it's just Fortnite is a better game. It's not. It just is. It just isn't a better game. Here's the thing. In 10 years, we're not going to be talking about Warzone. We're not going to be sitting in these chairs talking about Warzone.

Yeah, but why? Your measurement for things is just much more popular. We're not going to be talking about Fortnite because of the amazing gunplay. We're going to talk about it because Travis Scott was a giant marshmallow man in it.

Also, in 10 years, we will absolutely be talking about whatever Call of Duty title is out. Not Warzone. It doesn't matter. Warzone is a ubiquitous

name for a battle royale which is not going anywhere. Fortnite is an unrecognizable game now from its first season. Yeah, because they innovate and they added trains. That is what

You are such a shill. If you added trains Warzone is literally Warzone does have a train. Warzone you use a train- Dude, Warzone is literally- Does it have a train? Warzone does have a train, you fucking idiot! It has a train. Is it a big one?

Yes! It's a huge train, and you can fly stuff on it- It's got like nine cars! And you can be Nicki Minaj! Stop, stop, stop, let me think of something else. Go ahead. Does it have Peter Griffin? Uhh, it has-

It has people who like Peter Griffin. It has 21 Savage. It has 21 Savage and Nicki Minaj. Oh, wait, actually? Yes! Oh, but do they have a Tim the Top Man skin? No, but they have... Wait, yes. Yes. Do they have a... Timothee Chalamet, too.

They have Timothee Chalamet. That's real. Oh, really? Yeah. And you can put a bullet in his fucking head and he dies. Fortnite has Futurama. That's great. Everything... Sorry. Fortnite's great. But you have to admit that it's fucking annoying to play and it sucks and Warzone scratches that itch

I actually think I'm kind of getting good at it And when I played with you guys I realized how much better I was than you You're I think a bad BR leader I think I was

I have no problem with that I was a little nasty I'll be real I'm not a bad BR leader If my fucking teammate Falls off An island And kills themselves

Twice I forgot you couldn't parachute. In some games you can parachute when you jump off. And what did I do? I rez you, I told you where to go, and I told you how to get out. Dude. Didn't we get out? It's bullshit you can't parachute in no build. It just doesn't make sense.

Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. No it doesn't. No. It makes a lot of- You should be able to pop the parachute. It'd be like Breath of the Wild. There's an item that-

Yes! I was just gonna say. There's an item that sometimes they release that's in the vault right now that lets you parachute. Oh it's in the vault, sorry we can't- Oh it's in the vault. Yeah it's just's in the vault right now, that lets you parachute. Oh, it's in the vault, sorry, we can't- Oh, it's in the vault. Yeah, it's just code in the vault that we can't take out. It'll come out later with the shopping cart and you can pull the scoreboard from the CSV in the content. Is it CSV in the scoreboard and be able to- Why would there be a scoreboard?

Why would there be a scoreboard that you can just make the score of a game in a private lobby that they have to sanction? Why would you be able to make a private lobby without somebody at Epic Games giving you account access? You're so mad at that. I am. I am mad. It made my job hard. It made my job hard. Well, they still haven't fixed it. So that's kind of funny. Isn't that insane? $300 million a month? They stay true to themselves. So if you're still watching, leave a comment below. One, your New Year's resolution. And two, Warzone or Fortnite.

Which is kind of the gay son-thought-daughter of video games. What's your New Year's resolution though? Do you think I look more like Fortnite or Warzone? You look like Fortnite. Actually, no. Because you look like Nicky. He looks like Fortnite. He looks like Fortnite.

He looks like a gay adaptation Of the Wizard of Oz You're the Tin Man Why can't you put on muscle? I just don't get it He's put on a lot of muscle I'm looking at his legs and they're like sticks What are you talking about? I looked at a picture of old Aiden yesterday

Because Aiden's friend was showing me And he has put on muscle. That's great. He was a little Flat Stanley for a while. Flat Stanley? Dude, I weighed myself in John's bathroom. Okay. Didn't like what I saw.

Are we a stinky territory? With all my clothes on, peacoat, flask. Okay. Peacoat's a lot of pounds. Altoid can. Shoes. Shoes, blunts, spleefs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You gotta be over stinky stinky i was 199.9 .9 that's gotta be like that's gotta be like six pounds of shit it might be like five yeah well hey you're you'll be all right it'll be okay also i feel like even though you're approaching that 200 mark the difference between now and a couple years ago is it's all muscle now. No, it's definitely not all muscle. I definitely ate like shit the past month, but I did do free shit

on the bench yesterday. Yeah, you did. What'd you freak? I freaked eight reps of 225. Oh, you're so big for me. So big for you. Wow. So big for you.

You're a man. So big for you. Will Neff says he wants to box me in chest boxing. It's just a bad matchup. Why? Because Will Neff. For who?

For you. What? Yeah, we deduced the reason last night. What the fuck? So, it's not even about. Can you pull a Will Neff shirt? Let's sip it while he's talking. It's not even about muscle.

It's not about this. But can you pull it up? It's not. It's not about muscle. Nothing to do with it. Can you pull it up? He just has Aiden. Do you want to tell him?

What the fuck? No. We're too drunk to remember. Dude, this doesn't have anything to do with it. He just has Aiden. Do you want to tell him? What the fuck? Or were you too drunk to remember? Dude, this doesn't have anything to do with it. He has that look in his eye slime. Oh, that. Yeah. Oh. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Dude, I could... It's nothing to do with this. I think I could beat him. And look, I think you could beat anyone, to be clear. Yeah, even you? Almost anyone. I just think it beat anyone, to be clear. Yeah, even you? Almost anyone. I just think it's not a good matchup.

What the fuck do you keep saying that about? What does that mean to you? I think a better matchup is somebody who would motivate you more. With children, maybe? Dude, nothing would motivate you more than destroying Will Neff. What about a father? Stock guy's great. I would love to kill that guy.

Do you have no reserve in punching one of your friends compared to someone you don't really know for competition? No, I don't care. What about a father? A stock guy's great. I would love to kill that guy. Do you have no reserve in punching one of your friends compared to someone you don't really know for competition? No, I don't care. You don't care? I think it's

because it got gloves on. What does that change? I feel like it'd be so much harder for me. It's like you're allowed. Like me and Aiden Box, for example, I feel like it'd be

so much harder for me to hit him as hard as I possibly can. I actually think it would be hard for me to hit Aiden. That's what I'm saying. I guess you're saying that he's just closer

than Will Neff. No, it's not about being close. It's just like, I just think it would hurt hard for me to hit Aiden. I guess you're saying that he's just closer than 1F. No, it's not about being close. It's just like, I just think it would hurt him a lot. I see. You think you're too powerful for him. I do. He'd want to fight someone that can defend themselves. Over Christmas break, I tried boxing somebody for the first time.

Sparring? But all they had to do was dodge my punches, and I had the boxing gloves on and they were they've been training for a while and they're like just try to punch me as hard as you can let go as hard as you can oh shit for the first minute I just mentally just I just don't I just did not want to do it because in my head I'm like if I hate you like that that will make me sad and then I realized that the person is trained enough that no matter how

hard i try they will just not get hit by me like it won't matter either way so i just picked it up in the last minute but that like fear i it was confirmation that saying no to chess boxing was a good a good idea i literally don't have the heart to do it well that's the difference you want to talk to all the uber drivers and i want to kill them all. Wow, that's not a thing you should say. What? You want to kill your Uber drivers? You reach the end of the line, right? What is the line? The line

is Aiden talks to an Uber driver to eventually become their best friend and or marry them, right? That's the end goal. Yes. If you're like looking all the way. I don't talk to my Uber driver because I don't want to talk to anyone because I hate everyone and I want to kill them. You don't talk to them to protect them.

Well, I do. From you. That's right. Yeah, that makes sense. And every time they start asking me like, hey, what's at LAX? And I, you know. Any news in the weather? And I say, you don't want this.

I say, look at the road. I'm like, you don't want this smoke? And then you just go quiet? No, I mean, I'm like in No Country for Old men, and I'm like it's your lucky water to call it I drink the free water in the back seat and go nonverbal I Want none of it, and if there's no gum easy one star. That's great It's and give me the aux cord. I'm playing dude Give me the aux cord.

I'm playing. Dude, I'm playing one hour orgasm. This is this is this one. People have like slime trauma. I've realized that because of all the stories of you interacting with people in this way, specifically fans. I had this happen at a coffee shop at a coffee shop. Me and Nick to Nick go to a lot.

I I've like almost never been recognized in there but this woman who was a bit older like kept looking at me and usually when someone's looking at you a lot it you know it's because they recognize you but she was just like so she was just so she was just so mismatched with our demographic that i was like surprised like maybe this is just a coincidence. But then she spoke up and she's like, do you have a podcast? And then she pointed at her son who was like sitting across from her, who he looked like he was, you know, between like 16 and 18. And he basically was like such a big fan.

We watched him for a long time, but I just I didn't want to interrupt your morning. I was like, I'm so sorry for interrupting. i mean and i'm like dude it's so fine please say hi talk to me this is what you have crafted this like culture of fear i was like i felt so bad i'm like dude i'm i'm not doing anything i wasn't even on my phone i'm waiting for my coffee. I'm standing like this, waiting for my coffee to be made and given to me, doing absolutely nothing. And this guy, because the way we talk about this shit on the show all the time. That's not true, bro.

I think they're intimidated. I think people are intimidated. It's better that people are, by default, intimidated than feel overzealous. Uh... No, I agree with that. I do agree with that. Obviously, I don't know about it. You have to admit that he's gone too far. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But the amount of fear you've instilled in certain people, they come up and they're like, yeah, I don't want to say hi to Slime because I thought he might put a bullet in my brain. That's great for me. Yeah, for you. It is great for you. But it infiltrates the culture of people coming up to us

and I think that's bad. But if I said the sentence to you outside of this conversation, if I said to you yeah, you're not willing for people to come up to you and say hi, you'd be like, that's not true. Yeah, it's true. That's what you'd say. So you don't even agree with the culture that you have created for yourself. Basically

if you're god's strongest warrior and you you just know how to be normal it's like i really put you to the test okay here's my qualm with this after having collected data over the last after the last year is that is that you you say that but i feel like there's people who come up to you who are like, are you slime? It's like, it's nice to meet you. And then if it's like a bad day, that's also. Yeah, if they are slime, that's not true. No, I'm not.

No, that's not true. That's not true. We literally talked about an example of this happening. Dude, the last time we talked about this, somebody asked like, didn't you say like, how are you? And you were like, you don't care. The guy at the smash thing. Yeah, that guy.

What? The last time we had one of these stories. This was like a couple weeks ago. The details matter, and if you can't bring them up, then I win. Actually, as a data-driven individual, I'll back you up on this. I've recited my complaint. I think you are too far in the mean spectrum. I am an example of someone who's too far.

Don't call it a spectrum. You are, but you're on it. And I'm too far on the nice spectrum, because people willy-nilly like coming up to me. No, I think you're in a worse spot, though. I think you're too far in the programmed cutscene

spectrum. Like, when someone comes up to you, it's like Ludwig Bot on, give me your phone. Would you like a photo? Yeah, speak. Well, this didn't even, last night, I had this last night. Every time I walked, because I just was like, I want pizza. And then I walked to get pizza, and then someone would be like. And it wasn't a fan per se, but it was like a creator. Yeah.

Who was like, you inspired me to do this and this. And you just saw like shit in your pants. I was like, dude, you're sticking it all. It's all over you, like, nice. That's so shit. And you have a little drool on your mouth because you're thinking about the poops. Hey, man, that's cool, man. I got poop in my boxers. And some of the interactions were weird.

They were bad. Because some people were just on drugs. Yeah. They're just not... They were, yeah. But, you know, I'm not gonna... I'm not slime. I had a guy drunk.

You were there. I had a guy drunkenly tell me how sick my Ganondorf is. Didn't play that character ever once in front of this guy. Maybe it's just a thing he says a lot. Maybe he says it to baristas and shit. What if we kept telling these Radiant Valorant players that me and him are both immortal? Two immortals. And that we don't believe in aim training.

That's so funny. You were saying that you aim train every day. And I was like, this guy doesn't believe in aim training. And no, you were saying, you were saying that you aim train every day. And I was like, this guy doesn't believe in aim training. And I'm like, guilty. And one of the dudes, one of the guys is like radiant.

Like, I don't know. I think he was like radiant, like top hundred or something. And he was just like, I aim trains bullshit. A hundred percent bullshit. You don't have to do it.

And the guy next to him was also ready. It's like, okay, you have to aim train. Obviously you have to aim train, blah, blah, blah.

And lovely. The whole time is just getting away with being immortal in this conversation. Oh, my God. And the guy, the Radiant, one of the Radiant guys asked Ludwig very genuinely. He's like, how do you have time, like, in your busy schedule to, like, aim train? And Lud's like. He's like, I wake up, aim train. Meeting, aim train.

Bench 255 AIM train what am I not training what am I not and then they ask so who on like the moist moguls do you think has

like the best or like AIM trains like the most oh dude and Lovick's thinking really deeply I'm like it's gotta be you

and Lovick's like it's gotta be me actually god you guys are fucking jokes it's actually thief oh you think so? I mean, they say it.

Okay. Dubbin, why Diamond and Valorant? Why do I want to be Diamond? Why not Immortal? I don't give a fuck about Immortal. It's crazy. But you want an Ascendant. That's also stupid.

You think? What's Diamond? Diamond is just the next tier up that I've never hit, and I've come close to hitting it. I've kissed it. Shut up. I think you set the goal one tier at a time. No, it's because I've come close to diamond.

I've kissed it. I've kissed it. Yeah. Because I hit diamond, but then it wasn't in my Dorito because I didn't win a diamond game. She actually didn't. And then they changed how it works. Yeah.

So now you can just hit it, and then, like, if you play another game, lose it instantly. We still play streetball. I don't care what your Doritos is. You get that purple tip. If you don't win the diamond game. This is before they had that, though. I know, but I'm saying we still play streetball.

So anyway, I've never been diamond because of that, and I want to get it. Will you journey with me? I'll journey with you, but I need you to be a journeyman. What does that mean? It means that it's going to be harsh conditions. Don't take them away from me. No, I'll play both games. It's not really a journeyman. I ask you and you don't

know all me. Literally one fucking time I'm playing another game and you freak out. No disrespect, I'm just a better friend of this group because... Bro, that's insane. Because, hey, I go climbing with you. Wait, hold hey, I go climbing with you. Wait, hold on. I go climbing with this guy. Do you think that we don't hang out?

I think you guys are not- We hang out infinitely more than you hang out with us. No, I'm making- What do you think we do? We sit in a fucking room until it's pod time? No, I'm saying you guys are donut walling me, and I'm putting in all this effort- I didn't total- Oh my god.

No basketball. Josh man flaked on basketball too. He didn't not flake your piece of shit! Josh gets a fucking message. It was so funny. Dude, it's so funny. So we get to the court because you had said Josh was coming. And we're waiting for people to show up because a few people were late.

And I was like, is Josh coming? Is he going to show up? Does he have a way to get here? And he was just like, ooh. And then he checked his phone. He's i never told josh a time and and i and then change cameras to where to to where i am and i'm with josh and he's sitting on the couch just like and he looks at his phone he's like ludwig said yo i never forgot to tell you a time or I forgot to tell you a time it's right now and he's like I fucking hate this dude

and then probably 20 minutes away am I dog for not going cause I don't feel like going he didn't want to go and I was like no you're not dog he's an asshole and he was using that cause we didn't actually start if he had come the moment I messaged him it would have been fine

he would have made it fine but that picture of you is so funny it is really good start until if he had come the moment I messaged him it would have been fine. Yeah it's true he would have made it fine but he just didn't want to. But that picture of you is so funny. It is really good. You see it? Oh it was raining? Yeah it started raining. Did you see the picture of him in the rain?

Yeah yeah yeah. Cause it was sad I don't want to stop playing. He went on a play so he got so mad. Oh yeah. Cause we're making a comeback. We're mounting a comeback. Yeah it was pretty hype. And then we subbed it.

Oh you were mounting the rain yeah. We subbed mid play and they scored a basket cuz of it dude It was For paying attention, I'm so tilted. Okay that you're dumb Okay, I can't he checked the ball. We checked the ball Normally when you get checked the ball you grab it you look at your team They are I get your man get your man something that you pass the ball back. No one's on anyone. Yeah. They pass it. They score. I'm like, what the fuck are we playing right now? What

are we doing? It sounds laughs like he laughed at you. She's checked. No, because he, the person who gave him the balls, it was a little cheese. He checked it. Have you ever done the, you, you walk up to him and then you let him touch it and then you take it from him. That's a cheese check. Oh, no, that's grind. This nine-year-old kid did that to me once. Wait, how old are you in this story? I was 13 or something. Oh, wow.

I got destroyed. You got shot by a nine-year-old. Yeah, maybe that's why I don't like basketball. Yeah, why would you bring that up? I just destroyed your love for the game. This is how I beat Will Neff, is I use all the bully street schoolyard tactics to just be a menace. That's what he said to me. He's like, yeah, I lost a Loolyard tactics. To just be a venice.

That's what he said to me. He's like, yeah, I lost to Lud, and then I knew what time it was. Because I saw how he played. I was like, I was fouling, and I was like, you can call it. But like. Dude. It'd be lame. Dude, that's funny.

That's fucked up. Wow. Still won. It's all about winning. We are kind of beast mode, aren't we? We are beast mode. We're just kind of electric. you guys are a beasting this is the first time I've ever that I've listened to full episodes with Jesse three guys yeah I saw that shit was it were good people ranked it the best ever with Peter the other

somebody a group of friends I don't if you saw on the subreddit yeah I did ranked all the episodes and Peter one shot up the charts there's a tier list maker that someone made if you want to go play along with the home game

but Aiden I mean I think this is the perfect time to tell you man like it's over like I think it's over for you I think it's over for you

no it's not the most watched one I think cash games just don't for you I think you should Tony G me for you. I fucking hate... You can't Tony G me. I hate that episode got fucking age restricted, dude. You feel my power, Phil?

What was it? Peter can't gouge someone's eyes out. Did we swear in the first 30 seconds? No, but Peter talked about gouging Slime's eyes out. I feel like that's chill. No, you feel... What about getting a lizard's eye? It says you can't talk about violence.

Look, we'll just find out. YouTube is going to come back from break and they'll just tell me. I love that. But there's a break. I just want to know. Why? Because basically...

Dude, oh, it was so funny. I went to Ludwig's house to pick up the bear that him and Cutie got me. Or was it just Cutie? I got it for you by myself. Oh. What the fuck? Really?

Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Really? It was just really sure? Yeah. Really? It was just really thoughtful. It was just me. The only thing that came with a broken ear, and she said, I can fix that. Probably like a subliminal idea.

So the bear that Cutie got me, I went to go to Ludwig's house. And what did you get me? Nothing. And so who's a better friend, folks? He says no to my game invites, doesn't even answer. I said no one fucking time. He doesn't get me Christmas gifts, folks. You do beg get him to hang out and then you don't know and then he says no to hanging out in basketball folks let's let's figure it out he's a better friend poke him a mo later it's not we're back we're

back let's do it you can turn this behavior around in the new year all your friends think this uh i went i went to his house to get the bear and i saw peter and uh because he answered the door and he's like they love the episode and i'm like oh yeah peter you're you've been reading the comments he's like oh yeah and then i go downstairs and ludwig's mom's sitting on the couch and i i look at her i'm like has he been looking at the comments all day and she instantly instantly is just like, oh, dude. Oh, I've never seen a woman more fucking fed up. Oh, it was so funny.

She's sick of Peter shit. But she also loves Peter shit, though. She loves Peter. Yeah. And yeah, it was cool. And she named the bear. She did name the bear. Say it.

Nenur. Nenurse. Nenur. Nenur. What does that mean? Teddy in French. Like teddy bear. That's cute. That'snurse. N-nurse. N-nurse. What does that mean? What? Teddy in French. Like teddy bear. That's cute.

That's good, man. That's cute. Good gift. Great gift. Great gift. Thank you. Good gift, friend. My goat.

I went to Australia. I went to a Smash tournament. Smash camp in Australia. You won or something. I didn't win. You got top eight or something. I got top eight. There we go.

Yeah. Easy. And we got third in teams, which is. You got top eight or something. I got top eight. There we go. Yeah. Easy. And we got third in teams, which is cool too. Do you beat someone I know? Do you know who

McCloud is? We beat McCloud. We beat McCloud in doubles. She plays Fox. Hmm? McCloud? She plays Peach.

Fuck. Wow. Wrong on two fronts. I just thought because it's obviously not a crazy guess. Honestly, yeah. Goody plays Fox. Yeah. wrong on two fronts i just thought because it's obviously not a crazy guy honestly yeah plays fox uh yeah and then it was it was really fun hanging out with everybody there and this one thing happened that i wanted to tell you guys wade and i were we're talking on the side

of the room and we're just like we're just talking about random shit catching up and then all of a sudden just like mid-conversation he's like do you want to see my balls i love weight i was like yeah yeah of course and we he pulls out a picture and it's a picture of his vasectomy oh my god it's him on the operating table i can see his balls in the photo. Someone walks over. We're in like the side of the room. Someone walks over and then like peers over and is like, what are you guys doing? And then they just look. And then 999 appears over their head.

Me and Wade have been in the corner of the venue just like laughing at his balls on his phone. And Wade's just like, I shouldn't look at this. It's not for you. Oh god but it was it was a really fun i woke up because it was australia time right well you did the event uh the the smash event on the friday so it was the morning of saturday in australia everybody stayed up late as fuck on the first night uh i think like people went to bed at like four and his sets happening at like 8 a.m and i wake up right as game nine is starting oh and i the pain in the ass at the camp was the the internet was really really bad and you had to like you know like put your phone around like this to get your bar of data that would load something

so i'm like holding my phone up and sitting in the middle of a cabin with the boys sitting around me on bunk beds as I like narrate the last game, like the stock count of your last game as you clutch it out. And that's how we were watching Slime vs. Core in the morning. It's like how people in war

listen to baseball matches. Yeah. They're just trying to imagine. Yeah. Imagine the victory from all audio. What sound did you make when I? Did the upbeat and hit the magic pixel he didn't see that one did that was game? No, it was game not I think I like audibly said what the fuck let's go like I did I just couldn't believe that happened and then uh and then you want what I do is I bring to my friends I bring intense

And then you want. What I do is I bring to my friends, I bring intense searing. Sorry, I didn't mean to circle back to this. I forgot how masturbatory this would be. Searing joy. Right. Like it hurts to be so happy. It hurts because the joy is searing. That's how I feel.

And I bring that to thou. To the electric factory. To thou. Electric factory. So good. It does warm my heart that you watch my game. Yeah. Am I the asshole?

Yes. Okay. It was the night before Christmas. Actually, it was the day. And QD sends me on a mission to the grocery store. And while I'm there, I get a phone call. And the grocery store has bad reception, so I'm

walking around. The phone call was going much longer than I thought it would. I thought it would be like a five minute call. Like 20 minutes later, I'm still on the call. is going much longer than I thought it would thought it'd be like a five minute call like 20 minutes later I'm still on the call I sit on a bench in front of this store because it's the only place to sit it says closed

all the curtains are like blocked off phone call's going I'm listening I look at my nails on the phone call long as shit oh yeah

I start cutting them with nail clippers? in my fanny pack I always have nail clippers on me hold on you're sitting in front of a store

on a bench on the phone with someone and you have nail clippers with you always I have them right here I can show you

and you're cutting your nails wait was it closed when you got there yes okay oh this is my sister wait I don't get the problem they got me

we're interrupting but we're gonna hear and then I'm sitting there and I'm wearing I'm wearing Crocs Oh, this is my sister's room. Wait, I don't get the prompt. Have you been here? We're interrupting, but we're going to hear. And then I'm sitting there, and I'm wearing Crocs, and I'm like, let me get the toes, too. Okay. Yeah. But while I'm here.

While I'm here. Let's live a little. Yeah. I'm putting them all in a pile. Right. I'm not... To eat later. Every once in a while, you're snacking. Some fall on the floor, and I go...

That one's for me. Snacky. And I make a little pile. Finally, I finish. And before I can leave, somebody from what I thought was a closed store exits. And they audibly go, ew. And as the door is closing, I peer in and I realize there are people in there. The store is closed, but it's going to open later. It's not closed for Christmas.

I see. It's just closed until like 4 p.m. Okay. Am I the asshole for clipping my toenails in front of the store? Yes. No. No.

What the fuck? We live in a fucking, the United States, brother. Would I be an asshole if it was open and I was doing it? No. No. Oh. What the fuck? What is this was open and I was doing it? No. No.

What the fuck? What is this? Clip your goddamn nails wherever you want. Now they're a bit American feel to me. What is this shit? What the fuck? Are we Puritans? You're the asshole. You're the asshole. Explain. I don't think you shouldn't cut your toenails in a public setting where people might

potentially be. Why? What is wrong with toenails? What is setting where people might potentially be. Why? What is wrong with toenails? What is this stigma we have? I think it's generally understood. If someone's sitting next to him, that's weird. Yes. I would be,

okay, you'd be an asshole if you clipped your nails and you left them. Here, this is outside. We're adding stuff. It's on the bench. Yeah, but he's sitting on a bench,

like in the vicinity of a building. My foot's on the bench. Okay. My foot's on the bench. Oh's sitting on a bench like in my vicinity of a building. Okay. My foot's on the bench. You're an asshole if you leave them. But you were saying you were keeping them in a pile. But they didn't get to see that I threw them out. Right.

She walked out and said, ew, with my toenail pile collected nicely. That's disgusting. But your intentions matter if you're an asshole. Imagine if you saw someone else in that position. I know, that's why I yelled, they're for later. They're for yum yum snacky time. I think that's what I was concerned of. But they're saying I'm not an asshole. The court rules in favor of me.

I genuinely don't think that, if you're like kind of hogging the whole bench with your fucking feet out, it's kind of weird. No one is going to sit on that bench. It's a stone bench, right? It's a wood bench. Wood bench? Nobody's going to sit on that bench. Let stone bench right it's kind of wood bench wood bench nobody's gonna sit on the bench let me give you a scenario let me give you a scenario do i get to eat toenails in your scenario yeah okay i'm listening yeah in this scenario you'll get to eat them at the end okay you're in the evo venue the big you remember the

big cement like mandalay convention center and you know how like the setups like don't take up all the space right like if you want to go to this one of the setups don't take up all the space, right? If you want to go to one of the side walls or one of the corners of the venue, you're pretty separated from the average person. You're just on the cement. You're on the side of the EVO venue. You decide to clip away. You're not an asshole for that.

I don't think so, no. What are we doing? That's one of our lives. That would be disgusting. What's disgusting? You're out of the way. To see some stinky, melty blood player cutting their toenails on the side of the venue. No, don't go after melty players, bro.

They play on the laptop in the bathroom. They don't deserve this shit. I, well, I do think toenails are gross. Why? But I think we need to examine why collectively we are doing this as a society. Because sometimes I sniff them and they make me gag. Wow. That's why I think they're gross.

Okay. That is gross. Yeah. Everyone's dabbled. Also, your feet are sweaty. You walk around. It's just a stinky thing to have out. Maybe your feet are sweat.

Mine are fucking pristine. My feet smell like clean linen. Yankee. Yankee candle, no brim. Your feet. My feet fucking pristine My feet smell like Clean linen Yankee Yankee candle No brim Your feet My feet smell bad My feet smell good

It smells like dead rat In a dryer It actually smells normal Okay It smells like dead rat For lunch I think end of the day I don't think you're an asshole

I think it's just a little weird But it's like Are homeless people assholes? Because they do this We wouldn't say that Right? I would think Because they don't have

another option. They don't have a choice. But if they did it in front of an establishment, I think people would get upset. Yeah, but fuck cops. Fuck cops. I'm not talking about the cops. The spiritual cop. You also have to admit that the average person is probably also not psyched about that anyway,

even though they don't have a choice. But now it's Ludwin Ander, millionaire. Let me ask you it's a Ludwin under millionaire That Ludwin under millionaire Let me ask you a question Ludwig Scrapes his arm climbing. Yes, and then he's back in the same scenarios on this bench Yeah, and the band-aid he looks down the band is peeled off Wet and he goes. Oh well in my my woman's bag. I carry I have more band-aids looks down the band-aid's peeled off wet and he goes oh well in my uh my woman's bag

i carry i have more band-aids that i can put this is like a fake scenario right yeah because i don't carry well yeah i didn't make up the scenario this didn't happen to you right it's like based on it's like it could happen easily all the components are there like real life it's so he he takes the band-aid off right into his fanny pack. Yeah, it puts a new band-aid on was that being an asshole Is it an asshole if I clip my toenails on the gym of the climbing gym? No They have Clippers though because you need it for climbing. I think it's covering up a wound It's so self He could just be like I should go do this in private so I don't uncover the wound entirely.

So a child doesn't see my boo-boo. I would say a wound is grosser than toenails. It's inconspicuous. You do it quickly. It's also a necessity. I get through my toenails fast, bro. You get through your toenails that fast? I get through them fast.

I chew a couple. My toenails take a bit. I gotta chew a couple for some time loss, but that's for you. That's his and hers pleasure. You chew the big one, and it's an all-day thing. It really smells horrible. I actually don't have a box of toothpicks in our house. I just have...

Oh, my God. It's kind of like dandruff and ammonia. Have you ever clipped your toenail and left it out, and it's really hard and brittle, and then you snap it in half? It breaks in half. Fuck, man. That's good shit. We're lucky to be on this earth, in half. Yeah. Fuck, man. That's good shit. We're lucky to be on this earth, man.

I know. They gave us all the tools for entertainment here. At home, great. Not out front of a Walgreens. That's why the whole Mr. B stays in isolation for seven days thing, I'm like, I fucking crush that, man. No. Dude, he was so bad.

I cut my toenails on day one, so on day four I have a game. This is so easy. I can do this so easily. Wait, you're talking about the seven day video he just did? Yeah. He was bad. Wait, he was bad at it? Wasn't that like 48 days or something?

It was seven days. Seven days in isolation. That's hard to do. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just saying he was bad at it. What does that mean? How do you mean he's bad at it? It's solitary confinement.

Are you saying it's an awful video? It's awful. No, I'm saying he wasn't good at being in solitary confinement. I don't think anybody is. That's the whole idea of solitary confinement. I'm not like he wasn't good at being in solitary confinement. I don't think anybody is Solitary confinement I'm not saying it doesn't mess with your mind. I'm just saying he's bad. I agree I agree because because he was like, all right Well, I'm in talking about so I'm gonna bang this tray on a wall for an hour

It's like day one and granted, you know, if I was in solitary confinement, I'd probably like figure my life out I just like zero workout regimen He didn't figure out till day four that he should probably create a sleeping environment with no light. That's true. He was just bad. He didn't have a stretching regimen. He had a journal. And he didn't journal.

Wait, he didn't journal? Yeah. He didn't write? No, he wrote like the sixth day. It was funny. He really devolved to his most animalistic instincts. He started counting things. Like he used two on YouTube. Oh my God. I thought that was funny. He really devolved to his most animalistic instincts. He started counting things like he used to on YouTube. I thought that was funny. He counted all the rice

on his plate. He started counting the squares in the room. I think he just likes counting. I think he does. He likes numbers so much. He does count views. He likes it so many times in the video. He likes the views because he gets to count them up. And you count it. I think MrBeast has counted every individual view of every video he's ever every video that's how they add them for him he used to do it manually you

go jimmy boss your new numbers are in have fun he's like yeah it'd be tough but well i remember when you had covid you said you were like stuck in your room for a week 10 days 10 days and you were like this the most depressed I've ever been yeah but I had and I always remember you saying that and I was like he's a pussy

but he had and I had my computer and you had your damn computer we had video game I had video game so no you couldn't do it pussy butt

no I could do it I could do it it'd be sad though it'd be sad I think it'd be sad I think it's just sad because it's like that's like one of those

proven things, right? Like you can take anyone and you put them in solitary confinement and they go crazy. Yeah. It's a bad, terrible experience.

I wish Mr. Beast would have called me up for this one. Are you... I would have bossed that shit. I believe him, unfortunately. You believe...

How long? How long can you go? How long you need? No, actually, I would put you in there for an undefined time between 7 and 30 days. 30 days is easy. No, no, no. I'm saying you'd be in there for an undefined time between those two.

He's saying 30 is easy, so make it bigger. He's saying 30 is easy? Yeah. You're in an undefined... It's anywhere from a month to a year. A year? And your meals are fed to you. A year is horrible.

Am I fucking... No. I knew he'd say that, guys. So let's keep going. So, any indiscriminate amount of time. If you survive the time, you get $10 million. Uh, yeah. You can be there from one year to ten years. What's a good number? That's just jail. No, no, no.

A month to a year, you get not $10 million. That's too much. You get... What the fuck? You get $2 million. It's also not jail. Jail would be better than this. Jail, if you're not in solitary, would be better than what is being described

to you right now. I think I would start to unravel after a month. Okay. But I do think a month is very doable. And I'd be way not different. Well, does he get all the things

Mr. Beast had? What did he have? I haven't seen this. So he gets meals every day. He gets meals at random. very doable and i'd be way not different well does he get all the things mr beast had what did he have i haven't seen his meals uh every day meals all the calories needed a day but they're not glorious meals they were like kind of like whatever shit meals um a journal a toilet does he have a shower in there he didn't have a shower a soap bar just a soap bar and Just a soap bar? And a sink. Okay, so a sink, a toilet, a soap bar. Toothbrush. Toothbrush. And he had a camera because he had to film himself. Yeah.

That's it. So you don't have anything to do. No, not really. Oh, man. Yeah, here it is. Oh, it's a white room? Yeah. I don't think I could do a white room.

Actually, that's where I break. White room torture is fucked up. They did that shit in Iran. What's the deal with white room why is it so fucked up it's i don't know it's just it's just this idea of like there there's an account of someone who had white room torture because they were like a journalist and they were like ever since that i've never felt comfortable my in my life ever like your mind like kind of like fractures. My girlfriend said she couldn't do four hours. That's insane. And I was like, are you serious?

That's just like working in bed, bath and beyond. You could just sleep. It's just a job. You just take a nap. Go to bed. You sleep like that's crazy. Is the big thing with white room? I mean, the main thing is that you can't,

you have no idea to tell what time of day it is, right? Yeah. And then also like the way the walls are, it's something to do with like the walls too. Are you saying that ignoring the time of day thing, are you saying if the walls were like blue, you'd be fine? I think so. Like the same color cushion setup? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

I just need a color. He's right. I just need a color. I do think it reflects light more, so it's more bright. Yeah. The brightness is the worst part, for sure. I do think being, even if it's just one raw color, you're kind of in this fucked up void. I guess I didn't really think about it.

I'd rather have like a stone cell. Because there's a texture there. Like in the 1500s? No, like in real jail. Because there's something to think about and look at? Yeah, kind of. I don't know. I've thought about it.

I think everyone does this. When they watch Lock Up Raw, they're're like we'll go to the fucking solitary boys see how they live because these guys really fucked up and you look at their cell and you everyone thinks like i could handle that right yeah that's not what i think i don't think that look up look up florence adx cell it's uh it's a supermax in color. That's where Chapo is. It's where like fucking terrorists are. It's the strongest prison we have. It's in Colorado? Yeah.

Is it in the Rockies? No, it's just in a fucking field. Oh, that's awesome. And their cells are really interesting. And then they get like one hour of like just outside time, which is this big concrete like empty room with no roof. It's like a big swimming pool and you just get to stand out there and like feel the light and uh that's not florence adx

uh but yeah it's also there's like a tv that only shows christian programming dude it's crazy chapo's there and he's not getting the fuck out. You don't get any extra? If he's good maybe he gets the TV. Oh that's for TV time. When does he get to do the podcast? They work something out

with Patreon where it's an hour a day. Patreon actually funds like the federal prison program which is kind of kind of cool of them. Which is why we support

Patreon. Proud why we support Patreon. Proud sponsor of this podcast. Proud sponsor of the Yard Guantanamo Bay. Take a visit. That was also funny. In the Fortnite thing, we said we were going to treat you like you're in Zero Dark Thirty.

Yeah. Salaam alaikum. You don't care. I didn't say it's not funny. I just said that it's not fulfilling. There's nothing. There's no. It doesn't go to anything.

Did you find the cell? Wait. What? Has the U.S. State Department ever messaged you about changes to your videos? No. Well, they're about to. Look. Here's the cell.

That's the Florence ADX cell. Shower on timer? Yeah. Let them live. No. It's on a timer. Let me live. There's nothing in there that you can kill yourself with.

Like, it's really. Four inch wide window? Am I's nothing in there that you can kill yourself with. Like, it's really... Four inch wide window? Am I crazy to say that you could definitely kill yourself with this? Yes, you can, but it's like, they make it kind of hard, right? Yeah, it does seem hard. Like, the body doesn't really want to do that. Wait, can you pull it back up again? You can flush yourself out on the toilet. That would kill you.

What do you think we are? It would kill you like a spider. What do you think we're like a rat? These are flushed away. You know rats can't vomit. You would love to be a rat. I'd love to be a rat. Oh my god. But it's bad know rats can't vomit. You would love to be a rat. I would love to be a rat. Oh my god.

But it's bad because don't they die if they have to vomit? I eat cheese all the time. Vomiting's good. Yeah, vomit is a necessary biological function. That's why rat poison works. It's not necessary. I'm fucking orange. Really?

I don't know why I said it sarcastically, but that's really interesting. So rats just eat shit and they're like... If we eat poison, we can throw it up. That's good for us. They just eat fucking poison in there and they're like, And they're like, fuck! That's a bit bad, isn't it? Yeah, it's bad at the start.

Oh, no! It's got to go all the way through. I'm eating a fucking poison, I did. Oh, shit. Well, I guess that's it. That's it for me, then. I wish I could move. And that's it for us.

Is it? It's it for us. What are you doing? Hey, Zipper, we had 90 minutes on Ludwig. I didn't say it. I didn't say that. And that's it for us. Is it? It's it for us. What are you doing? Hey, zipper, we had 90 minutes on the one week. I didn't say it. I didn't say that. And that's it for us. Do you know if we're at time?

Folks, what is up with the hostility today? Five minutes more. Yeah, that's right. You're shorting them. Why are you calling? Your short answer would be really bad. What can we do in the last five minutes that make your life miserable? What did you miss about me?

Yeah, so that's been the podcast. Thanks for watching, guys, and we'll see you next year. You know who does a New Year's resolution, by the way, and it's worked great for them? Who? Bundun. Oh, yeah. Really?

Bundun, yeah. Bundun made it, man. He got it out of the water. He made it. But I looked back, he had his 2022 resolutions, and it was, he was, he did it because I was doing them, and then it was like, get partnered on Twitch,

get like 10k YouTube subs, and now look, he's got how many fucking subs? He's got more subs than Jesus Christ himself. I think he has like one mil jesus christ i just checked it's so funny seeing his shorts and seeing bundan in shorts with like 770 000 we don't have that much no his channel's huge man bundan is bigger than the yard yeah dude that's sick dude bundan and mungo are bigger than the yard dude get out and game. Let's go.

They're all proud of him, too, in Australia. So I hear. Yeah. You know. All right. Well, so then the final five minutes, let's go around one resolution. One resolution? Mm-hmm.

I resolve this year to, uh, fuck. Uh. I can do it if you don't have one I don't know why you wanted to start you should go you should go okay my yours probably a heater

yours diamond to remember everyone's birthday oh like that's a cute one like remember

you do something for it or like yeah like acknowledge it not just like no be like yep and then the day passes

yeah i acknowledge i acknowledge everyone in my life's birthday who's i'm close with okay i didn't get there yet it's a resolution it's not fucking you know it was if it wasn't he'd you know already that's fair yeah all right amin what's's yours? Complete and invest in and complete one personal project that isn't an eSports event. Okay. Yeah. Just like a pickleball tournament? Yeah, like a youth basketball,

the Yard Pickleball League. No, I hate pickleball. YPL. I think it's a dog shit sport. The Yard... Well, you know what? You're just dodging the Yard Four Square League. Oh, yeah.

I mean, we've done that. Unofficially. Yeah. Nick? I would like to climb two V7s or one V8. Ooh. I'm okay with either. Interesting.

I think I can do a 7 in the first six months of the year. If I want to do 2 to like really lock it in. Sure. Yeah. I don't think I'm near an 8.

Okay. If I do 1, it cancels out the 7s. I don't care. My resolution is to do a cut for real. I've never done a body cut.

Have you done a bulk? I'm going to get fucking huge for a couple months and then cut in like March. You should get huge now then. That's what I'm doing. Oh, you're getting huge now? You're going to get big now. You're going to get big. He's getting huge like me.

Why aren't you working out then? What? Do you come in and work out? I work out myself. You don't come here? I don't come here. Because you got your squat rack. I don't need you. You do. I don't need you myself. You don't come here? I don't come here. Because you got your squat rack. I don't need you.

You do. I don't need you anymore. You could use me. I'm done with you now. No, come on. Come on. Get back in the bin. Don't throw me away.

It's over between us. No, you piece of shit. Well, I've broken up with you. Okay, I get it. That's why he's doing it while you do. I know, I get it. It's because we're broken up. Fucking piece of shit.

Hey, let us know your New Year's resolution down below. Oh! Zipper's going to stop smoking mid-weed, only high-grade shit. Okay, yeah. We almost got scared. That's funny. Oh my god. That's funny.

Oh man. Hey, thanks for watching The Yard, everybody. And enjoy... I don't know. I don't fucking care. We'll see you in the bonus. We'll be smoking pressure. Happy 2024.

And we won't talk about penis anymore on the show. Goodbye. Gumbuddy.