The Yard - Ep. 143 - Ludwig's Big Secret

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

This week, the boys talk about Aiden's fun trip to see the eclipse, Slime & Shake go to Vegas, and how much Ludwig loves coots..

What country would you wage war for? For or against? For. Who would you fight for? The United States of America. You would actually fight for them? The United States. You wouldn't fight for the United States. America actually fight for them the United States wouldn't Live here you do have you ever come close to fighting for United States of America? No, I went into recruitment office

Yeah, you've told when you were 18 you were there. They asked they checked your fucking nuts and your pain. I was 23 All of you when I did this. Why? Wait, wait, wait. Were you giving up on your dream? How do we not know this about you? On the weekday I'm in the recruitment office, and the weekend I'm at the P house throwing fruit at the wall.

What was going on in your life? No, help me out. I'm not skipping over this. What was going on in your life that you felt you needed to go to a recruitment office? I didn't feel like I needed to. I would just walk by, and I would look inside the windows, and I guess I had a look of yearning on my face oh yeah we've talked about this yearning to save the towers again and then the guy came out and he's

any Bryce I come in oh I mean would you did tell us yeah do you fight for France would I fight for France the call of guilty France is not like do we go war with France and we're like where's's Ludwig? Ugh. You're speaking about them like if Rhode Island went to war. And you're on the other side? Like they're a sad little country. I gotta watch Ludwig's life

fucking fade from his eyes because we're all together and we make a bigger guy when we're stacked on top of each other. I will say France did kind of fell off in war but like,

they're historically... It's all quiet on the western front and we make it to the opposite line. I jump into the trench with Anthony Bruno and Nick Vercillo. We're still doing trench warfare. And we find you.

We find you in the French trench. With a big French military diaper on. We still fight your style. In France, we take six hours off as a war to fuck each other in the trench. One branch is very good. That's kind of what Old War was like, though, where you read the stories

about the, it's like, it's Christmas, guys. Let's go play soccer among the barbed wire. That's a bit of a populist myth, if you will. Is it? Yeah, what they actually did

during Christmas is cut their little heads off because they had a little sex trench. Yeah. And it said, it said no, you can't have any flags there. No flags in the trench Yeah, it's a neutral zone like Damascus. Where you could go bang the opposing army? Yeah, good war it could be your own army. You don't know you know because there's so many this is so much mud There's one of those like factoids that shows up on those stupid fucking Twitter accounts

Am I falling for uber facts right now facts right history and memes and it's like There's a whole thing though that they didn't fight on like fucking big holidays Yeah, but like all the memes a old war but world war one was still like guys getting cut in half by machine guns Yeah, you got to go before that one. Those are the ones where they're like having tea Dude, I like old war would be so lit like you literally have to line up, load your musket, say, you guys ready? Well, actually, it'd be sad.

Okay. It'd be sad if I was there because I'd be like, you guys are all gonna die at, you know, 40 anyways. Like, I would've lived a full life because I'd be me. Because you'd be modern you. I'd be modern me.

Do you think the reason you live longer is because you just got beast DNA? Yeah. It's not the case. It's not like the case. So what, you're saying- You don't have access to hygiene and medicine. Nope, no I don't. I don't take it.

I don't take hygiene. You actually do. You have the most problems out of all of us. Every two months, dude, I had to go to the ER. It's true. Because I had a big fucking puss-poo on my face. You can't. This is a lie.

It's not a lie. You can't use your basic human thing. You can barely poop. You barely poop. And that's like one of the main things we have to do. That's my thing the bad things my thing that's kind of like what makes me like 500 years ago you just die from shit in your body What medicine am I taking you know at the end of 1917 where he's running across the field You can't even do that cuz you got studying know about fiber 500 years my discord name right now toxic megatrol and it's true

Which is funny because toxic megacolon is the thing I say. It's kind of a deep cut. It's not a deep cut. Yes, it is. Okay, well, maybe it's because you're not a real fucking shitter. Because for real shitters, their Instagram ads are just all about Toxic Megacolon. They don't call it that, though. No, they do.

No, they don't. What are you talking about? I don't know what they're talking about. The Toxic Megacolon, if you have your your ass if you have too much poop in your butt Yeah, and your colon it like it and you can't get it out like Nick's turn to kombucha It turns into kombucha and it starts like festering. That's what my shit look like lately you guys okay pause Wow It wasn't there wasn't really a look descriptor. So why don't you tell us? I don't know if I want to hear it.

I'm pooping every day, twice a day, in kombucha for two months. It's not good. Silicon Valley office drinking kombucha right now. If some fucking tech bro throws up because of our podcast, fucking good. And some guy just benched 180 to that sentence.

That guy's beast. You know what? Here's a fun activity. If you're listening to this on YouTube, go into the comments and describe what you're doing right now when Hayden described his kombucha shit. And then also, if you're benching, throw on more weight than you ever have. No spotter.

You can do it. I want you to go for four. If you notice, slime sounds horrible. Sounds like a car crash of a human. What the fuck, dude? You know what's funny funny I fucked it up again for a guest should we leak or should we just like say

it's an extremely beast guest I think it's better we don't say the guest it's an extremely beast guest that was gonna come on I'll leave you guys to the leak we're gonna bring you back soon we're like hinting like it's an extremely beast guest

some may call him Mr. We're like hinting like it's an extremely beast guest. Some may call him Mr. We'll say it on the primo. That's fair. Dude, there were so many people. You little dog. I'm a little dog. There were so many people who were like, is Leslie going to be on the primo? I'm genuinely going to buy it if she is.

And everyone was like, no. And I was like, we left some bread on the table. Yeah, I'm saying we should change our formula. We should change our idea. This is my new idea, ready? We say, hey, sit back down. We're going another hour. But we'll break you off a rack.

No, we don't break them off. Then we give them a rack. No, no, no. Wait, wait, but I like playing for that. No, we give them fake money. I tell you it's real. We give them counterfeit money. Dude, we give them the wad and the shed. I'm not going to lie. Hold up, hold up. You dogged me last episode. I tell you it's real. We give them counterfeit money. Dude, we give them the wad and the shed.

I'm not gonna lie, hold up, hold up. You dogged me last episode. I dogged you? Yes. Dogged your dog? How did you get dogged? Because Slime, at the end of the episode, in one of the weirdest bits, just gave Leslie my key to the gamerhood.

Oh yeah. And then I pushed back and he was like, it was on the ground, you don't care about it. It's true. It was. No, actually actually and I'm gonna explain to you right now We have several different piles in the warehouse. We had a bunch of shit here. It was in a special pot It was in the pile. I was told to put it in Oh, no, I'm like asked me to put it cuz he wanted to because I asked him to hang it up No, the good pile This was hanging up in his stream room downstairs.

Yes. So it was one of the rare objects that had some level of sanctity. And it was moved, I think. But I think Leslie- Oh no, your sponsor activation trophy! Oh no! Okay, so am I not allowed to want the things that I- Oh no, your corporate emblem!

And they did pay him solely in the key. There was no money into that State Farm deal. Oh my god, you don't even have State Farm, nooooo! I do. No you don't. Yes I do, for my car. When? What do you mean when?

Is that new? I just had this. For a while? I used to pay his bills, he changed. This is actually a thing that Slime does, is he has insight into something but he hasn't had it for years but he thinks the world will not ever change but is it crazy to think that ludwig would not change his insurance because he's a fucking idiot that doesn't do anything it's weird it's weird yes but think about who's in charge of his insurance it's nick yingling sure who

oh my god i it's an op i can key opens his house. I concede this one. I also- Here's the thing though, what's funny, Leslie just kept it. I thought it'd be a funny bit, like here you go, she had a sign- Hey, now it's the key to the Damerhood. I know! She had a sign and took it home. That's so funny. And the whole time I was signing it, I'm just sad. Because I won that key. I won that key. You won it in a fake competition.

In a fake state- Dude, hey, that's fake about that. You shit. Let me have something, you fuckers. Let you have something? Let you have something. This whole fucking podcast is Ludwig's soulless little prick, and then I'm like, I like something. And he's like, you like that?

You can't kill yourself! Kill yourself for wanting wooden props! Oh my god! It's disgusting! You're the one who's responsible for the morning morning problem! Oh my god! It's disgusting! It's like saying, Oh, the thing I like is a fucking empty scarecrow with a Namco logo on it. I present something dramatic. Cape farm. Sorry.

You know how, you know how, throughout the years, you guys have lambasted me for being like fucking lazy and do pieces touch myself Recently a slimes been more of a Ludwig than Ludwig's been Ludwig Explain you show your work in terms of replying to messages and reading the group chat, he has been dubbing these- Yeah, I've fucked up for like what, two weeks dude? Kill your time! I'm all time, I'm maxing.

No, Ludwig's on some new new, I've been saying that. You're on some new shit? Look, if we've got the reply PR right now, you might be in fourth. Oh my god, the autism awareness PR for replying, I'm down, but maybe it's cuz I'm doing fucking work on your imaginary watch is still a spongebob The field work he's doing is watching techie with Josh I'm fucking boots on the ground getting the awareness out of techie of autism for the month You fucking idiot, okay, but you've been doing this for a couple weeks now. You know what, we've been trying to call you up.

Call- Take me out? I took the test. I scored a 75. 64 is showing signs of autism. I think you should take it. What signs did you show? What is the test?

I don't know if it tells you directly, like, what signs. Wait, how long did it take to take? It's 80 questions. That's a long time. Is there one where it's- Can you do it in under 30 minutes? Yeah. Is there a threshold where it's like...

Primo? You just end up in like where you really like trains and then it's like trains and planes. It's not like necessarily built around hyper fixations. I think it's more built around like sensory concerns, which I think is something that you specifically hate. I mean, I do. Look, we do a lot of episodes of this podcast. I think every once in a specifically hate. I mean I do. Look look we do a lot of episodes this podcast You know I think every once in a while. We could try some fun stuff. What if he takes the test in the primo?

Mmm. It's a long consider consider. He doesn't like it Hey ring the dinner bell Do you guys see it's possible? I see my you guys see my my idea was stolen wait. What idea yeah the parking Uh-huh wait no actually it was stolen by another than Dax flame real away really yeah And you can all stop sending me the link to the which is Get posted group chat wait show me it's a mini dub to me. Don't show me this hold up Well is it like did it get hella damned views? I don't have TikTok. Was Kristen Bell in it?

Nope. Why would she be? Is it their husband? Yeah. Yeah, Dax Lane. This is a reference I don't get. Kristen Bell is married to Dax Lane. Don't tell.

Just let him figure it out. He's got like a huge podcast. That fucking sucked. You're laughing your fucking little dumb ass off. I like it. Your nasty little tiny balls are getting laughed off your bones. Bing, bing, bing. Always tell me something awesome.

That was a bad joke. Laughing your fucking little nuts off, dude. I love it. I like it. It can suck and I can love it. I like sucking that shit off the fucking bone right now, dude. Suck that shit off your pelvis. Sorry.

I saw Silicon Valley. I watched Silicon Valley last night. Silicon Valley? Yeah. Season one of that show is fucking amazing. And what's his name? TJ Miller is his name? Yeah.

Yeah, he says that to a kid. Says what? He'll suck your penis right off the pelvis. Oh, okay. I was like, damn, suck off the bone. I thought I made that up, but thank God. I don't think you made that up. Look, million dollar fucking parking idea.

You're a millionaire. Oh, now you're a millionaire. Did it do well? What's well for TikTok mean? I don't know what the numbers are. At least 50,000 likes. Oh, I think I crushed that. Crutch.

Maybe? Zipper! Do something! You've never seen Nick for a while. Shut your butts up! I feel like, before he plays Old Caliber. It's also on the subreddit.

While Zipper pulls us up, can I out, Aiden? What are you going to out me for? Oh, you want to go? I'll go. I don't think his parents can handle that twice. I'll go tit for tat in outing somebody. Tit for tat.

Aiden's dad's like, no, no. Is there worse than gay? I don't know what you're referring to, but I'm going to out you because I'm on my reply shit. And we have a PR slimes in fourth yeah I think Aiden's in third I'm the second circumstances that I replied under I'm on my shit I'm waiting for Aiden basically all weekend because I want to implement this YouTube shop feature all right just to sell merch it's boring whatever who gives a fuck I'm like Aiden when's this thing supposed to go live i need to post this video and i'm

updating it and he's updating he's updating me and he's getting it updated it'll be it'll be today then it wasn't today i'll say it'll be tomorrow it wasn't tomorrow not what i said and then and then sunday hits i'm like is it today he doesn't reply and then we're messaging him in the group chat he's also not replying oh at church i'm like that's what i figured right right he's probably at church and the phone's off he's probably handing the merch out at church? I'm like, that's what I figured. Right. Right, he's probably at church. And the phone's off. He's probably handing the merch out at church. He's probably- cause he loves God. But you know where he was? I'll read out his exact message.

No. If you're at the fucking park again taking experimental drugs, I'm gonna lose my mind. That's a great guess! Cause he was at the park again, taking experimental drugs. He said, I tagged in Slack just now, sorry, I'm on acid right now. No way! Oh my- I didn't even even know i didn't even know it just beeped i hit the fucking full house i flopped it and then he does cringe face emoji and then says by the way and i don't know if i can out these people but he mentions two people and he

says they say hi and it was the craziest group i've ever heard in my damn life can i bleep it can we say? Okay one is No, it's a crazy group you're thinking like a normal be a normal group. That's a day apart for him the group was Do you see the matrix today? Holy shit, and I was like what? Okay, what the fuck's going on in your life, dude? I had a great weekend I don't know what to tell you I had a fucking awesome weekend I went to Texas, I went to like the middle of nowhere, Texas on this ranch

That has like a On the ranch, it's 700 acres There's like a water slide, like a huge pond where you can like fish And then surrounded is these grounds where they have like a water slides like a huge pond where you can like fish and then surrounded is these grounds where they have like basically African animals like gazelle and like Cool Wait wait wait. Did you go to see the Eclipse? Yeah, did you see it? Yeah, it's fucking awesome Do you get the glasses like yeah arm arm over the shoulder of a gazelle, just like you and me, bro.

Yeah, me, the gazelle, and... Fucking looking at the eclipse together. The eclipse was way cooler than I expected. There's that moment where it crosses over, and the moment of totality, that's a few minutes, and you can look. That's the only time that you can look directly. I looked so many times before that. Yeah.

Did you go to Texas? No, I looked from here. Yeah, I looked so much. I just looked Yeah. Did you go to Texas? No, I looked from here. Yeah, I looked so much. I just looked at the side a lot. Could you see anything? No. No. Until it almost covers it, you need the glasses to be able to tell. No, I was looking. No, I was just looking. How'd you tell? To tell, to see the crossover. How many? Three. Very good. He's okay. Three and then a ghost? Three and a ghost, yeah. It's like Inky from Pac-Man. Before the eclipse, all the birds came out in the dusk,

and they're chirping, flying around, and then it gets pitch dark in a second. And all of them stop flying and stop making noise. They just freak out. And it's just silence for two minutes as you all look out. Oh, I guess it's bed now. That's what I thought. It's like damn,

birds just, they're just really going by that shit. This is a weird day. And it was a few minutes and it looks fucking incredible. You can see like all the like the edge of the sun

like wrapping around it. And if you zoom, one guy had like a really, really nice camera and you can see like solar flares like coming out the side. Okay, I'm pretty sure. Actually, I can't say that.

Oh. What? It's the damned Samsung phone that adds the solar flare when you zoom in too much no no he had like a full he had a very very he had a huge lens i like the idea of that samsung phone fucking up because that's on it it basically just takes a picture of like the moon and just pastes it on there but let's say like grabbed it from a wrong source and it's just like the shapes from the old internet when there's no JPEG and put it just the moon just a square yeah yeah and then it wraps up Sun comes back out birds just come back out like minutes later and then I got picked I was so far away from San Antonio which is like the closest city to me,

that I can't schedule an Uber in advance or anything like that. And all the cars, I tried to rent cars like two months ago, and they were already out. And I got a smasher from San Antonio named Daniel. His tag is Zavo. That's out. The big old smashers in San Antonio. He came out and picked me up and then drove me to the airport. Picked you up with your eyes as big as fucking dinner plans.

Those huge smashers. I was not high. I actually rode a horse to the airport. You found a horse like when Homer eats the pepper. And you fucking climbed the pyramid and then you ended up in the airport somehow. And I chased emus. It was amazing. I was 11, 12.

I stared at the sun for about five minutes. I didn't see anything. I was like, this is fucking dumb. I kept my eyes to the ground. I said,. I didn't see anything. I was like fucking dumb I kept my eyes to the ground. I said I don't give a fuck. I was in protest Think about my level of commitment to the job by the way I checked my phone because I knew that I should give Ludwig a YouTube update because I was waiting for Updates from like the team at YouTube or fourth wall to like give me updates while I'm on acid So I'm checking my phone so I come back and it's the same thing.

It's like I'm struggling to type out Ludwig's like, it won't be today. What's your beef then? He did his fucking job for you. Oh, he's just lower on the damned PR. I took three hours to reply. He thinks that's all right. On a Sunday?

You think? Like weekends are meaningful to us. Well, I've got beef with Ludwig. I can start with that. What? You want that? Okay, this is good. I would love to hear your beef with Ludwig

because I also have beef with Ludwig, but in a moral way. Not a new work way. That's the best kind. Mine's all work. The moral one's the best one. Yours work? Mine's all work.

Mine's all pleasure. What is it? Mine's all pleasure. I love pleasuring you. This is fucking hot pleasure for you. I love pleasuring you. So I... I've been watching everyone play Content Warning. I love jerking you. This is fucking hot pleasure for you. I love pleasuring you. So I've been watching everyone play Content Warning.

I love jerking you off. And yum. Chips Ahoy. I've been watching everyone play Content Warning. It looks fun. I'm like thinking how fun that'd be if we all played. I say let's play Content Warning. And Ludwig, rare moment.

I'd love to do that with you. Yes. Yes, immediately. He said million dollar idea. I'd love to. Million dollars. He said here's a million dollar shit idea. Sign me up. I'm giving it to that with you. Yes. Yes, immediately. He said million dollar idea. I'd love to. Million dollars. He said here's a million dollars for that idea. Sign me up.

I'm giving it to you now as an investment. I want 1%. Sign me up. And then we didn't do it. Well, okay. Yeah, because Popov's fucking busy. No, no. Tell him.

Tell him. You were fucking busy. You played with my heart. I was hoping to do it with the whole yard group and i think in the chat i don't know this is true we talked about doing it on a certain day and i can't do that day and then we said oh maybe sunday the end's gone but i don't did he say i was gone for sunday aiden's gone aiden is gone and then you like said i have to do this uh thumbnail and then i have to like play i thought we had set up to do it sunday night with aiden you said

i got it wasn't i got a fire up Omegle with foolish because he's, he's finally showing all of his hole. And I got to see it. And that was big for me. Showing that foolish little gamer his. And then after I just kept my eyes closed so I could still see it. So I thought that's what happened. Laugh with us, man.

Life's fun. I got his back. Dream with us, man. Life's fun. How you guys doing? Just dream with me, Stringer Bell. Just dream, please. I still want to do it. I think you're capping. I'm here. I'm available.

Let's play tomorrow. I'm down. Sure. I want to be filmer. I have a thing with QT. I have a thing with QT. Oh, shit. Dude.

Thursday. Thursday. What are you doing with my girl? Don't break my Thursday, what are you doing my girl heart? We do my girl. Yeah, fucking we're going fishing dude Don't worry about me. Don't fuck. Yeah, dude, but what happened we went fishing things happen. I know I want I want the whole household We do know one person that household that would love to have sex with you. That would find great pleasure. So, okay, let me set the stage. I go to Vegas with Shake Drizzle. You disgust me. I meet up with Shake.

I lose a lot of money. It sucks. I was kind of bummed. And then, so I'm with Shake. We're at the bar. He's playing video poker. He's getting to know everyone. He gets in a very active mood.

He starts talking to strangers. When you find Shake after a while and you haven't seen him, he's got a glass in his he's getting to know everyone he gets in a very active mood he starts talking to strangers when you find shake after a while you haven't seen him he's got he's got a glass in his hand he's pinky up and he's like a youtuber dude oh my god youtuber i do like the editing the videos it's so wholesome i love shake and so we're hanging out and then uh i'm like fuck and i don't know what to do i'm just like i'm busted out i'm like, fuck. And I don't know what to do. I'm just like, I'm busted out. I'm like, all right, let me just call Ludwig. I don't know. I was just like, fuck. I never, I FaceTime Ludwig, which I never do. Never does.

And he picks up and he's at his desk and he's like, hey. And it's me and Shake and we're just saying hi. And then I was like, how much money do you have in your personal bank account? And he said $250,000. That's insane. Out. Okay. And I was like, that's. That's insane. Out. Okay. And I was like,

that's not a lot. It's not bad. It's a good amount of money. But like, considering, it's a solid amount of money. Actually, considering like,

this is not a lot. I'm pretty, I'm like, we're like the same amount of money. It's a good amount of money. And so I'm like, you can do a lot with that. Can I have some of it

no way no way I was asking him because like cause you know what no is the second best answer you can get no never

are you hold on back up back up are you out of money is he out of money? What's your bank account said that right now? That's an invasive question.

It is, it is, but it seems pertinent. It's an invasive question to ask. Yeah. And I would never ask anyone that. Well, right. And it's disgusting that you would do something like that to me live on this podcast. Okay, actually, can we role play? So I'm going to be.

I'm a nurse. I'm a nurse. I'm a nurse. I'm a buxom nurse. You're you, and I'm the bank. Can I at least be buxom? I'm the bank coming to get your mortgage for the month. Can I be a sailor? Can you just say I'm buxom?

You're buxom, but you're still you. I'll be a sailor. Compromised. You're buxom, and you're you. That's right. Okay, so... Damn, that's a buxom man. I'm the bank.

Hello, hello, sir. Well-endowed sir. Hey, shut the fuck up! Okay, sorry, there's a box of mail. I'm the bank. Hello, sir. Well-endowed sir. Hey, shut the fuck up! Okay, sorry. There's a guy. Your son is very beautiful. Heckling me. Tall for his age.

Do you have your mortgage this month, or we're coming to get it from you? Oh, fuck. It's... Yeah. How much was that again? I told you she's got at least one rack. Hey, shut the fuck up! You got a nice tits on you.

Shut the fuck up! You can't talk to me on you! TOOK THE FUCK OFF! YOU CAN'T TALK ME OUT OF THAT, PUCK-FUCKER! Are you- wait, so you're still Ludwig, but you're at his house and you're his wife? No, no, no, he's outside of the bank window, uh, catcalling me. I'm catcalling him. The bank's coming to your house. I'm walking- I'm walking by his house. Then who are you yelling to? He's walking by my house. You look like a fine young man. I just got back from my tour.

Hey, who are you? I'm a sailor. I said I was a young man. I just got back from my tour. Hey, who are you? I'm a sailor. I said I was a sailor. I just got back off the carrier. You're a disgusting pig. Nice tits. Hey, quit fucking arguing. It's not my house.

I got a... This guy's here. Okay, what do you want? Do you have your mortgage this month? We heard... We watched the podcast. The bank all... We all love the show.

Okay. Because you're still slime, I guess. And I'm buxom. And you have big, natural breasts. Some may say they don't look natural, but they are. Six months at sea, Ludwig. Six months at sea. Is this your sailor friend?

I don't know this guy. I don't know this guy. I do know this guy. Because I see him a lot. I'd like to get to know this guy. It's just a sailor trying to fuck me outside know this guy It's just Cecilia trying to fuck me Outside your house She's catcalling me in my home

No that's the gist of it And I say Dude it's autism awareness month How dare you You're chewing on the bank pen Are you gonna finish this On god's month It explodes in my mouth. I have fucking blue ink all over my face.

Is there a point where we could become so aware of autism, the holiday would go away? What? Like, we've reached maximum awareness? No, because people are aware of women. You know? Well, it's not called Women's Awareness Month, Aiden. Autism History Month. Women's Awareness Month. Did I just add in awareness? Yes. women you know well it's not called women's awareness month aided women's awareness

awareness yes yeah yeah it's women's history right that's right autism history month and then we go through all the people in the planet we start from now we count every day together i'm putting in a spreadsheet i'm pretty sure It's a good thing that I didn't say that about February, I feel like. Yeah, it is. But I would love if you took a gander. What were you going to say? Didn't have more things to say, honestly. Let's pop open the hood.

Let's get rid of it. Honestly, I'm getting rid of me sea legs right now. You guys know I was on this motorcycle trip. On the trip, I went to a mini-mart. And in the mini-mart, there's a real story. A guy guy came up to us and said you know how i stay sharp every day he says i beat my thing every morning no every damn morning was it matthew mcconaughey he tackles his he tackles his shit to the ground and tickles it and then he went and then he went green light and ran away this is real this happened so anyway i have i have the perfect thing for all of you in this room with

me and maybe you guys at home to help beat your stuff better because solo pleasure is natural but also beautiful. Can I have some of my coffee from that thermos? Wait a minute. That's not a thermos at all. That's a damn male masturbator. Don't throw the thermos at all.

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Oh, actually, can you continue your thoughts? Slime's broke as shit. He's begging me for money. I forget what I said. You said, I was like, can I have it? And he's like, no. I said, no? Yeah. Well, no. That's no. I said, no? Yeah.

That's crazy. I said what I say. I would have sent you upwards. I would have sent you upwards of $10,000. That's C? If you called. I would have said no more. You said, I said, how much do you want? And then you said all of it.

I did say all of it. And then I said, well. Well, you got to be realistic, man. Well, I am, but now I've set the negotiation table, right? No, you fucked it. You don't negotiate when you want to. Like an unnamed agent of a talent that we worked with on an event who gave a rate for their talent so high that I just said, no, thank you, and didn't negotiate at all. Because it was embarrassing to send that number.

didn't negotiate at all because it was embarrassing to send that number like when papa when papa offers a tip you don't just ask for the whole hog you gotta say thanks for the tip well look here's the thing it wasn't like an email like i can see him right so he can be like no well i can't give you the whole hog but i can give you some of the hoof no either way he doesn't even give me the damn hoof i didn't give him the damn hoof but this. But this is only a precursor to what's really going on. Because in the fucking background, I hear yapping. Yapping. Barking. Wow.

Okay. He's literally meowing. Some would call it meowing. He's on all fours. Okay. We're going to need a retraction But I need you to admit it was a little funny So who's who's in the fucking background yeah, but a little dumb head off his coots the cat if you may know mm-hmm coots is in heat

Okay, coots wants it bad. Yeah, okay. Well. Yeah, she's in heat Okay Coots wants it Bad Yeah Okay well Yeah she's in heat Which Which Is that what that means What they Want is to To be

To be fucked She desires pleasure No they need to They need to get fucked Consummate a Well that's She ordered them Kitty Sibion on Amazon

She's one Damn We can make that In cat years That's like 18 She's one In sick fucks She's one

Dude Well you're in the sick fuck Wait there's no way That cat's one How old do you think she is You've had coots for like a while Coots has to be at least two No

Coots is not one She's one She's one and change She's not hit two years I feel like that Could be true She's gonna in change. She's not hit two years. Hmm. I feel like that could be true. She's going to turn two soon.

So you're saying it's inappropriate to talk about the cat this way? Until she turns two, yeah. Continue. Okay, well, you know what's more inappropriate? I figured out, here's the thing. I can kind of feel the vibe of meows and cats and stuff like that. Why? Why can you do that? Where did you learn this skill?

He's autistic. Yeah, where did you the guy who's never owned a damn pet learn this skill? I had a tarantula when I was younger That's why we need autism awareness but I would have never found that out about him. I was 13 years old I had a tarantula Shut up So that's cool. And what I'm realizing is that this cat's been in heat for like fucking months, dude. Yeah. Yeah. This cat just doesn't shut her damn head off. Yeah.

Talking about meow, fucking dick. She's way more eloquent. You would think so. She goes, any males? Any fine suitors? Fellows. Fellows. And what I realized. You raised her to keep your classy. Yeah. Wow realized Ludwig's alone with Coots

Darius is gone, Swift is gone, Cutie's gone They're not gone, they're in the house It's not like they've disappeared He's in his fucking man cave And he's with Coots, and Coots is screaming And I realize, he's trying to fuck that cat He's trying to fuck that damn cat's fucking head off He's trying to fuck the cat's head off

Take her to get fucking neutered But you won't do it He's trying to fuck that cat He's trying to fuck that damn cat Fucking tat off He's trying to fuck the cat tat off That's gross dude Because It's just he's always in heat Take her to get fucking neutered But you won't do it Because you want to get her pregnant You can't get a cat neutered When they're in heat

Whose fault is that? Yours You're her fucking owner Okay it's Spade You can't wait to get your cat pregnant Let me explain This might seem like Neuter is boy right

And Spade is girl Spade yeah Spade This might seem like a leap to many of you It is And I'll explain From my perspective I get a call from Slime Never get a call from Slime He's Nidor's boy, right? And Spade is girl. Spade, yeah, Spade. This might seem like a leap to many of you. It is. And I'll explain from my perspective. I get a call from Slime. Never get a call from Slime.

I'm worried. I answer right away. I'm playing Balotra at my desk. Okay? I'm chiefing that good shit. You were smoking big weed? I'm trying to hit that gold steak. Click, click, click.

You ate the whole roach. Okay? I did eat the whole roach, but it was actually a pen and so i swallowed the electronics zipper just made that okay like sound like an interior crocodile alligator uh and and so when i answer you say can i have all your money and i said i said no and then i said how much you want you said ah wait and then and then you hear coots and i show you and you should be here for so damn long and i explained explained to you, and I said, yeah, it's actually weird. The doctor said it was weird and said normally cats don't last this long in heat.

Usually heat lasts longer if there is like a male suitor. And so for a while, what I thought was that this male suitor was Swift. Because Durs is a girl. Because Swift is a cat. And well Ders is just like a, also has white fur. And is a boy. And is a boy. And is a fucking dumb ass.

I don't know. Is that why he's a weird looking cat? Swift acts more like a fucking cat than a dog. That's true. Yeah and. Is that why you've been thinking about dying your hair again? Oh dude you have been. Wait.

Oh my god. I've literally not been thinking about doing this. You've been talking about it. This is disgusting. So I explained this to Slime. Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, dude, you have to. I've literally not been thinking about doing this. You've been talking about it. This is disgusting. So I explain this to Slime,

like I'm explaining to you, viewer at home, and then we hang up. And then, four minutes pass, and I get a call from, I think it was Aiden. I got a FaceTime call from Aiden. I gave you a ring. Because he hit my line.

And I'm like, this is weird. Aiden never calls. What. I got a FaceTime call from Aiden. I gave you a ring. Because he hit my line. And I'm like, and I'm like, this is weird. Aiden never calls. What is it? Oh my god, it's midnight. Heavens. I'm mid-CS game and I want to check in. And he gives me a call and he goes, hey man, what are you up to? And I'm like, you know, I'm just chilling here. And I start getting inkling. And he goes, oh yeah, you just chilling? Just hanging out?

Just you by yourself hanging out? Anyone there? Anyone with you? And goes, just you by yourself hanging out? Anyone there? Anyone with you? And I start to get the feeling that he thinks that I might be fucking my cat. Because I realized Slime went on a little tour after at this bar with Shake Drizzle drunk out of his mind after you're down fucking bands. Yeah. And all you're doing to make yourself feel better is call people and tell them I'm fucking

my cat. How would that make me feel good? Poor cat You can't get the cat pregnant it won't work, so I get a call from a we got to go through the whole rigmarole I'm like I'm not fucking my cat okay I'm throwing anubis heaven smokes I'm just saying I'm just my He, and I, my theory was swift. I've switched.

I now think cat coots might think I am a suitor. Because she only loves me. Where would she get that idea? Because you're fucking coming on all strong. I'm not fucking her. She's just. But you want to. No, I don't.

No, I don't. You want to fuck your cat so bad. Obviously not. I'm not Shane Dawson here. But I'm the only one in the house that she likes. You're Googling our cat clitoris is hard to find. Oh my god. You're googling, you're googling, uh...

What? What's ew? He said cat clitoris. That is gross. Why is it gross? Is a cat penis gross? No. Oh, I see. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Think about that, fuckers. But a cat, uh, we call, a cat meatus is gross.

Meatus? Yeah. Meatus lapidus. What are you talking about? That's meatus. That's when they see a big fucking dong in the future. Meatus is the head of a penis. Do you ever think we've talked about animals in this way too much on the show?

Yeah. No. Yeah, I do. And I think it's inappropriate. I don't think it's inappropriate. I'm just a good cat owner. I'm a's inappropriate because I'm just really just trying to spite that one commenter I'll never forget who got mad we talked about fucking dogs for too

long I think it's I'm just this is just to hurt them and then I will I saw dogs it's not I'm not you still mad I'm not touching you malicious compliance so anyway Aiden hangs up and then I and then I got a call from Nick and now I'm mad well I I I get a call from Nick. And now I'm mad. Well, I get a text from Anthony

and he's like, you gotta call Ludwig. It's like, it's kind of late. It's not like crazy late, but it's like kind of late. It's late. It's like midnight.

And I'm like, why? I was actually worried because I thought maybe you were about to kill yourself or something. I'd be worried.

Do you have the text? Yeah. Do you read them? I just said, it. Yeah. I'd be worried. Do you have the text? Yeah. Can you read them? I just said, it's 11.50 p.m. Are you busy? You should FaceTime Ludwig. He's trying to get Coots pregnant. And then he just said, what?

Double question marks. And I said, he's trying to fuck Coots and bust inside her cat pussy. Oh, that is too graphic. I actually thought I actually feel like Archie needs to censor that. What the fuck? The reason why I said what with two question marks and not like played along with the joke was because I actually thought that like

I actually thought that you were like setting up like breeding with coots or something. And I thought I just like misinterpreted it I was like is he going live? To be clear you did not, that's a normal person's interpretation of that sentence. It is weird for any human to think otherwise and first thought is oh wow he's trying to have sex with his cat. That's weird so you're normal, I'm normal, we got a couple weirdos with us and then the call ends

presumably and it's just Nick sends me one more text back this is after four minutes well I call Ludwig and he erupts and he right when I answer this he goes I'm not trying to fuck the cat I'm just trying to play baltro hit my damn pen and I'm like I'm like that's not what someone who's innocent sounds like. Right? That's not something. What does the innocent person say? Hey, what's up, Nick? Hey, what's up?

Oh, that night. I'm fucking around. All right. Fucking guilty ass conscience. That's not so. Yeah. Well, we're just fucking around. I'm not doing it.

That's not what I'm saying. You know, rules are sterile, right? Is that what the future you want for your little cat? What are you even talking... Do you think we're going to make a mule? Yeah, you're trying to get your cat mules. How do they... It's a donkey and a horse.

Yeah, and it's sterile. And then they can't breed. Because they're abominations. So, oh, so they just have to keep... To make more mules, we gotta just... We need more donkeys and horses. We need more donkeys and horses. I know. That's crazy. I I know and that's the kind of shit

No, it's not and then four minutes later Nick just sends me a text and he's just like he's balls deep in that cat Oh, you guys are so crass. You're so crass. I have nothing. You leave me with nothing. I'm a fucking patterned mess. I found this thing I like you like you get rid of the object. I have this cat I love. You make it weird. You better reply to. I love my damn cat. I don't know. You spend every day becoming a better person. I know. Isn't that great? And get some message.

So you can ethically balance it out in your head. I'm climbing out of the pit of Hades and I got all y'all just dragging me back down trying to make me fuck my cat. You know how I know you're trying right now right now you know I know you're doing well I hang up the call that was literally about like it's kind of like in the in the movies when like I have that call and then it reveals there was another person there the entire time uh we finished that call

I'm with my girlfriend during that whole call and she goes he sounds more present than usual oh we all we talked about was fucking your cat but but she felt it. She's so perceptive. She felt it. Yeah, I also Thanks forever. I hope not. I hope not. You're so fucking annoyed, man. How about you take a load off? We could keep doing it forever, man. So you lost a ton of money.

Oh my god, dude. You lost more? That story finished? Yes, but dude, at the blackjack table it was so fucking, it was funny talking about it, but at the time I was so miserable. There was this dude there on the table. I'm gambling a lot of money.

I'm like, I just want to keep going, right? I just want to make this happen. And he's just like a social guy. He's older. He starts talking to us. And somehow 9-11 gets brought up. Okay. And then he's like, you know, I'm from New York.

I was there. and everyone just goes like like quiet and all now he literally is like i was a dealer please uh i'll tell the story it'll be quick and he makes the dealer stop dealing cards to talk about how he was a vending machine guy he's like so i'm in this plane he's like i'm thinking where. He's like, so I'm in this plane. He's like, I'm thinking, where the hell's this thing going? I'm going to be late. I told the pilot, get the fuck out of there. How he was filling the vending machines at the World Trade Center, but not when the planes hit.

And it was such a long, oh my God, dude. It was like 20 minutes. And the pit bosses come over and be like, what the fuck the fuck like the action stopped that's a bad thing for the casino yeah and then he's like the dealer's like he's telling about 9-11 and then the pit boss is like oh okay what do you say to that? I am no vending machine guy there. But then part of the story he was saying he was like he was like and you know i'm driving and i get a call from my brother and he's like talking about his brother like we know him and all this stuff and it's very sad and uh because he like his brother like died and stuff but he's just telling this

whole insane story uh brother was in the towers yeah his brother like died in 9-11 holy i know and we're and he's like and i'm driving and I look in the rear view tower 2 falls and we're all like oh oh like it was like it was like a stage play

that's kind of wild and I am down five figures and I'm just like so I turns around so I turns around I drive back I say I'm going in

I'm going in you see the play the level Lego video games I hold my hand out I build'm going in you see the play the Lego video games I hold my hand out I build it up again you know it was

it was the most inappropriate time ever to be hearing that with equal emotional resonance I went to Hive Minds

live show last week and mid show there was a segment where they stood up and they were the two towers and their

guest was the plane oh okay and the guest flew into them do they have a vending machine guy who's driving away who saw the river yeah that was not that was I I told you this on our call before you derailed it but did you ever look up this guy that was was telling you about? Yard viewers, we're going to make history today. What? There's this guy on Instagram Reels. He's my new favorite Instagram Reels creator.

My only favorite Instagram Reels creator. Are you watching Instagram Reels? Look up Tim.Naki, Tim.Naki on Instagram Reels. He's this Australian guy. And you know those challenges? It's like day 52 of trying to be a varsity basketball player they do whatever yeah this guy does uh day whatever of betting 10 cents on a blackjack hand for every follower I have and he's been doing it for about uh 60 something days you click on the most recent one wait wait so he he stacks 10 cents he so for every single follower

he has he does the total number so he's at like 500 000 followers day 62 going to blackjack and betting 10 cents for every instagram follower he has 600 000 followers so he does a 60 000 single blackjack oh what the god pause it for a moment now i've been watching this journey since about like 20k by the way really it is ramped up yeah bottom right for audio uh it it's ramped up like quickly because like it's gaining a lot of traction he's on like mainstream australian news wait is he from new zealand that's an all-black hat isn't it uh he could be a kiwi and my accents could be off i'm gonna be racist the money he uh initially he was just on a hot streak like he had like a

eight hand winning streak with like 10ks yeah and then there was a point where it was like a 40k hand and he's like this might be the last if we lose oh and then he pushes and then it's 45k he's like last if we lose what happens if he pushes he just pushes does another video nothing yeah he just waits till the next day okay okay dude if you're. Dude, if you're the casino, you're giving him wins on purpose, right? Because you know he's going to bet again. And this is also an advertisement for their casino. I mean, but I don't think they have the ability to know when he's going to fucking, maybe they like flag it and they swap the cards.

That's what I'm saying. But I haven't seen this one. I watch it every fucking day. And this is the 60,000 hand. There's a point where he's going to lose a big one. He's going to stop. Right. He like he has this has to end. Yeah. So let's take a look at this one.

62. And by God, if things go on exponentially overnight again, we have a 60,000. He does sound way more. That's what I thought. And two thousand of you in here. It's all going on the nose. Cross your fingers. Cross your toes.

Invert your penis. It looks like Olivia Rodrigo has fallen on hard times here. We see her on the belt. Two's ugly. Six plays a seven. We love a six. That is the easiest of hits you'll ever come across. We're looking for three, four, or five here because that seven is menacing.

Go low. 16 playing a seven. There's too many cards that will improve her hand. Go low! 16 playing a seven. There's too many cards that will improve her hand. We will hit again. No guts, no- Oh my god, yeah, you gotta. He's got brass balls. He's got brass balls.

He's got it. Oh my god! That was a jack. She had 17. Oh, I thought it was a four. I thought he got it. It's okay. Two wins back to back.

We break it with a loss loss and I'll see you tomorrow Dude, he is too happy Like he's got brass balls dude. So anyway yard against if you follow Tim dot Naki on Instagram We have a few hundred thousand people in here. Oh my god. We could do a nice page up Australian man, yeah, he's about to crack six figures on one bet. Yeah. I think that's where you call it. I think you do like the one 100K hand, and then you've got to stop.

Dude. I, Zipper, I sent you a video. So this popped up on my Instagram, like my homepage. Yeah. And I clicked on it, and it's like, I'm going to show you. It's just a video of dudes inia who show you how to pose for photos and uh i've i sent this video to like four people it was like do you want to recreate this with me and it was just like a joke but now my whole instagram algorithm is only these

just how to pose just just these like when we pulls it up Just how to pose just just these like don't miss when we pulls it up Got the black lung pop Dude that's so funny they hold a pose for such a short amount of time I dude I you I sent this to like three people and now this is wait wait hold on Wait did you get it? Wait, did you get it? No. Did you get it? No.

Interesting. Who could you possibly- Let me guess, let me guess, let me guess. Alex? Yep. Dude. Because he always got his new fucking- He's always got a Goobar.

He's got his new hotties. What? You guys hang out, and you guys are all- You sent me a video of that one homie who walks on his toes and it's And then all it is me is he calls me and he says are you fucking your cat doesn't send me any fun But I asked you to play games with me you asked me to play games in a group Basketball counts that count nah cuz basketball is athletic. Oh my god, by the way No, I asked literally you guys to play games. Hold on, if basketball counts, that counts. No, because basketball is athletic.

Oh my God. By the way, you're not allowed to basketball anymore. Why? Good, yes. Masterful pivot. For one, you hurt Mango. And he showed me, he scanned his finger. He sent it to me.

Yeah. His finger has like a fracture. He has a hairline fracture. Okay, which is exactly what I had in my finger. Do you feel big? You feel big? No, I don't feel big. You feel like a man when He has a hairline fracture. Okay, which is exactly what I had in my finger. Do you feel big? You feel big? No, I don't feel big. You feel like a man when you push her around, huh?

And then, so that's reason one why he's bad. Reason two, you've been gone for two weeks, you're too far behind. That's not true. There's no way for you to catch up anymore. It's funny because everyone keeps telling me to come and I've never gone. So it's like this, I am by all metrics the farthest behind. Yeah, I actually don't want you to come anymore because this Sunday we're doing it and I want to see

you at your worst. Yeah, can you play a zipper? See you later, brother. Come on. You sent this to me raw. No caption. And then I just said kill you, sir.

And then you didn't reply. That's what he said to me. We used to share his videos way back. Huh? Jack Joseph, you remember? No. A few years ago. Way back?

Get a couple bangers. I can share mine. I believe you. And in conclusion, you're banned from basketball. You are a bad friend. I'm going to come. So it was Alex and it was miles No, no, no, no it was who it was just people in that group. Okay? Oh cool

Goop a goo Mars. Yeah, they like don't fuck with you. So that's true. I don't fuck with you guys Do I do this not super related but you know that Taika Waititi directed in between errs? Yeah, I did not know that Taika Waititi directed Inbetweeners? Yeah. I did not know that. He's got a lot of crazy... Really? Yeah. I learned this like two days ago and I was like, that's crazy. He's got a lot of crazy director role credits. I was talking some shit because I think whenever he's in

movies, I usually don't like the movie that very much. And then I was like, I looked at his IMDB and I was like, wait, he's got some heaters. Yeah, it's kind of crazy. In his portfolio. Put some respect on his name. He's also a pretty good actor. He is a good actor. I did not like

the Thor movie, but I think he's like a kind of normie father. The newer one he made too. He made two. Oh, I didn't watch

the Dark World one. The first one was good that he made. Yeah, I didn't watch Dark World. Oh, he didn't make Dark World. No,

sorry, not Dark World. He made Ragnarok. Three Ragnarok? That was the good one. That was the good one. And then the fourth one is the really bad one.

Did not like the fourth one. It really talks about Ragnarok, bro. How aboutok? That was the good one. That was the good one. And then the fourth one is the really bad one. Did not like the fourth one. I really like talking about Ragnarok, bro. How about you? Great movie. I don't have it anymore. You can't get there? How about it what? I can't.

I'm sick. Ragnarok, how about I? I'm sick and I fucking made it so our guests will never come over. How about you be a ragdoll on my cock? Ugh, that's so crass. Jesus Christ. Oh, that's the crass thing we said today. That's disgusting.

It's not that it's just crass. It's just, it's. It was cruddy, man. Because what I said about you and coots, there's a nugget of truth. There's not a nugget of truth. At least there's love in there. You know QT gave me ownership over coots? What?

Yeah. I heard about this from you. How does this work? Well, forever, she was like, she was like, coots is mine. If I ever break up, I get coots and all the animals. Yeah. And I was like, what? Coots is my cat. And she was like, well, I paid for coots. this is mine. If we ever break up, I get coots and all the animals. Yeah. And I was like, what? Coots is my cat.

And she was like, well, I paid for coots. That is true. She also did all the work of getting coots. Yeah, this is true. This is true.

So this was her argument. Yeah. And I wouldn't push back too much, but I would always, I would always just say, I would always just say, but, but I love coots.

I'm going to argue with her. I love coots. And now, and now she is fully acquiesced that mean coots. I can't say this Determining factor that you and coots have a special bond like it like more than I can't love my Hello my cat because they're animals. Yeah, this is like high school. I have to be apathetic towards everything I hate my cat. I hate my cat. I hate school All I like is fucking ska music and my and my macbook yeah

okay my two loves and has a bunch of stickers on it look i think that's fucked up of you actually why she really did do all the work of getting that cat into your life and you're like but i love it yeah and it's and it loves me. Wait, but ultimately. I think, I think she still has the, she conceded because you wore her down. No, I mean, look, if she, if she was, if she was ever like, hey, I did do all the work. I wanted this cat. I'd be like, fine. But I think Coots would love me. Dude, I can't look at you and talk about me and my love of my cat.

It's weird. No, it's not. It's normal. It's making me uncomfortable. I don't think it's normal You know what? Well fuck your pet. I don't have a pet. Oh, she I would never How's Joshie he's good. We've been watching South Park We've been watching hours and hours of South Park. You forget it's a show. No, you don't.

No, I do. What do you mean by that? It's still running. Oh, it's still running. We're like 14 seasons behind. I do forget that. That's crazy it's still running. Yeah. Would it count?

If South Park surpassed Always Sunny, would it count as the longest running sitcom? No. It already has surpassed it. Yeah, it's been around for running sitcom? No. It already has surpassed it. Yeah, it's been around for way longer than Sunny. Oh, it's just less seasons in.

Since 1998. Oh, shit. And Sunny's probably a 2000, like 2005 I think. Yeah. Oh, Sunny just has more seasons I guess.

I don't know. I don't know how it works. I'm not the fucking I'm not the math major. Right. Non-animated live action sitcom you know i just got a sickness for you i guess i'm so sick i'm it wait wait did we say who

was supposed to come on we didn't leak because i don't know it's on the primo oh right it's on the primo we're making them pay for the fact that we were gonna have president jo President Joe Biden on the podcast. And we were going to ask him the hard-hitting questions. And what? You know Kamala Harris is going on that one podcast? With the two... Nug boys? No, the podcast... That would be lit.

Dude. Dude. Nelk having Kamala on would be awesome. Crazy. Which one, dude? So you fucking arc She's going the one with the two older women Assam anon yeah, so we're supposed to go and I don't know if you ever went on Oh, oh the day came on for your

And maybe they're supposed to I don't know if it ever happened dude Six Dude, um, uh, all right. Dude, sick, I'm glad we fell off. Dude, you're ill. No, he's just ill. He just lost sick pup. I only got two Mario health units. He's so bad, instantly. What was I going to say about other podcasts, dude?

You know why we shouldn't do this forever? Why? Why? We could do it for a long time, though. other podcasts dude I you know why we shouldn't do this forever why why I we could do it for a long time though I went to I went to Ben Schwartz yeah improv show

you love him yeah it was very funny he's a funny guy yet again I was chuckling my little fucking head off and then

you're a little man coming off when I exited the theater I saw Amir Blumenfeld oh from Jake and Amir no shit and and I was like huh you know and I from Jake and Amir no shit and

and I was like huh you know and I started telling people that's my hairline he looks snatched gray though

well gray gotta have it a lot of grays a lie fading from his eyes people age and I tell a couple friends I'm like

fuck dude I saw Amir I didn't say shit to him but I was like I saw Amir and they're like oh shit you know he's still he's doing Jake and Amir again

and I look it up he's doing Jake and Amir but they're both they're back know he's still he's doing Jake and Amir again and I look it up he's doing Jake and Amir they're both they're back at it god are they in a retirement home no I basically they're just so mean they're still out here doing Jake and Amir sketches and I was like isn't it yeah and I'm like that's a little

what I don't know I feel cross about it you're cross I feel cross I feel like because you feel like it's part a product of an era and that you shouldn't be trying to resurrect that yes in a way that's exactly? I feel cross. I feel like... Because you feel like it's a product of an era and that you shouldn't be trying to resurrect that? Yes, in a way. That's exactly how I feel. Do you feel that... Well, let's put him to the test.

Do you feel that way about Smosh? I think... Because you're in cahoots with Anthony Padilla so watch his fucking language. I know, pussy boy. Oh, oh, oh. You get cool facts like him. What Smosh are you talking about?

Because there's... New Smosh. Like how they got it back. Oh, like getting it back. And they started making sketches. Yeah, I feel like it's catering basically to the nostalgia in a way. But I do think Smosh has changed a lot in the sense that they have this whole other group of people who are doing this whole other type of thing.

You haven't even watched Jake and Amir. No, but I'm talking about the revamp where they were like old Smosh. Yeah, that is just basically baiting the nostalgia. I do feel cross about it. You're cross. I feel cross. Jake and Amir, the new stuff they do feel cross about it. You're cross. I feel cross. Jake and Amir, the new stuff they do, isn't it paywalled?

I feel like that's different. Is it paywalled? I think. I don't. Or are they posting them publicly? They did a paywalled thing for a while. How is that different? No, no, you're talking about the podcast they did.

No, I'm talking, they did like a sketch show on like Vimeo. Yeah, I think it's different. I think it's different. On Vimeo. Yeah. How is it different? I think if it's different. On Vimeo. Yeah, how is it different? I think if it's paywalled

and you're resurrecting something, you're only producing something for a subset of fans that are directly asking for the thing so much that they're paying for it. It feels a little more sad when it's resurrected and put up for free

and you see the gap in like views maybe. Yeah. I mean, the only difference is like the public perception. That's less sad to me. That's just's just like they like you know the worst case scenario is they're trying to get a spark back and the best case scenario is they really like doing it but when you're someone who makes sketch comedy on youtube or something like in that era i think your job is to move out

of that house eventually because you're you've already got connections and you already got talent and you're funny and like to go back to that when it's just not the wave anymore like sketch comedy on youtube doesn't it i think you're wrong at every level on this one i don't think so i think sketch comedy is still alive on youtube greatly yeah uh it's actually amazing how alive it is on youtube still uh so much so that and this is a little bit of nepotism, but groups like Please Don't Destroy go to SNL. Oh, they're cool, yeah. Or Friday Beers. They have family who work at SNL.

Almost Friday TV dropped a bag. Almost Friday is just YouTube sketch comedy with drama added. They're exploding. Okay, all right. So I'm super wrong here, but let me ask you then. But the second thing. He's got a second thing for you. The goddamn second thing is, I forgot it's so it's i'm gonna move on my question is is are p are the

jake and amir's of this planet kind of fucked because they make people like ludwig very cross um when they try to go back to that you know i remembered i feel like a lot of these people a lot of dudes who like did one thing and they went on they did the hollywood thing and i don't really know what heights they they hit but i think you know they've had great careers like i a lot of them i think feel like let's go back to where we had 100 control sure and they want to do the thing that they was more fun i think it's fun ludwig's cross yeah but he's not he's like a minority of their audience it's true he is like a like such a meta creator

he knows like like what is good and what would work and he has this mind you don't think the average shithead feels cross no the average shithead

his age like maybe feels a little cross maybe not well I think the average shithead goes oh shit Jake and Amir

are still doing stuff let me check it out they watch one they don't like it or they like it or don't like it they're like oh oh, cool. And then they move on with their life.

Yeah. I think... Embrace, dude. Don't you think podcasting in comparison is... I've always had the vibe that podcasting is comparatively evergreen. Like, podcasts run a lot longer. Oh my God, look at that face.

Jesus Christ. Don't you think so? I've never seen this. Think about how many podcasts have run for years and years. I think they have lifespans that are clearly longer than like the average YouTuber. I mean, look, podcasting didn't even start until like when? 2008? I don't fucking know.

What did that look like to you? Yeah. So it's like they- Whenever Apple made the shit? Yeah, they haven't been around that long. They've been around less long than YouTube. I don't know, because there's like, there's so many different types of podcasts, and like some podcasts are, I'm not saying this, Jacob, I don't know because there's like there's so many different types of podcasts and like some podcasts are

I'm not saying this Jacob I don't know if they have a podcast but some podcasts are like like alright you take like an actor

or someone who is famous and then maybe they're like towards the end of their career or like they just don't want to act

anymore or whatever so they start a podcast and the main hook of their show is like they have access to celebrity guests and they can sort of give insight

into their life and I think that that show is popular as long as that person's popular and then when no one cares about them no one really goes and watches the show anymore but some podcasts are like making a thing like i don't know some podcast like a true crime podcast like that could be evergreen like you could listen to that forever we interrupt this podcast to bring you a special announcement and i have brought, basically the test animal for all Factor meals ever to exist. He has a bowl with his name on it. And I just scoop it out.

I heat it up, two minutes, takes no time at all. Scoop it into his bowl and then he feasts like a little slop animal. Hi, Josh. Squee, for starters. Thank you for having me.

So what can you say about factors delicious ready to eat meals that go right into your slop little ball slop i just think they're just so oh so yummy and the varieties they come in well especially when they hit the bowl and mix up all real nice uh we found out they're not heating up the sour cream strat so it doesn't evaporate uh that was pretty huge for the bowl game. Dude, that's gotta be a fucking huge time save. It's, no. It wastes a precious 30 seconds. You at home might be thinking that you need

to put the 35 plus meal options and 55 plus weekly add-ons into the bowl to eat them as well, but that's just for Josh. Yeah, that's just for Josh. Only Josh has to eat it out of the bowl. He is essentially, like all Australians, a trained animal who is basically just a beast in which to feed and it out of the bowl. He is essentially, like all Australians, a trained animal who is basically just a beast in which to feed and take care of and pet.

At war with the wild ones. Sometimes he cuts them in half and he mix and matches them, so this one tastes a little bit cooler. And sometimes I find a little pill. That's when he's too hyper. You can get all these delicious meals. We actually do eat Factor a lot in the house. Me and Josh do.

And it's factormeals.com slash a yard 50. You get 50% off plus 20% off the next box in your subscription because they keep coming. They keep feeding you through the boxes. And they've obviously sponsored the podcast for a long time, and they've kept Josh healthy. They've kept his bones and teeth nice and white. When I got my little metal cup against the bars and it's shaking, the factor man comes usually

with two chorizo chilies straight to the bowl, baby. What dis it, Yajoshi? He's always smiling. Bring your bowl to the grate. The new factor for sponsoring the podcast, America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit. Number one, state. You want to be in this chair in 30 years?

Oh, I don't know. If it's still funny. I've been thinking about it. What if it's funny to us, but viewership-wise, it has plummeted, and the amount of people who think it's funny

are like a select few people in our age group in 30 years, which is 50, but then most young folk are like, fucking, these boomers don't know fucking shit.

I think it would be more better than to, it's more better to like end this, and then like do it like something very similar but kind of different.

My answer is kind of the same. I like that. My real answer is like if we super fucking enjoy doing it I'll do it as long as we want to do it. But I think if we get to a point

where it's like no one else agrees that it's good anymore but we really really like it I would probably consider like what if we repackaged this into something else?

It gets 25k views. It's mostly boomers. In 30 years? 25k? It gets 25k views. That's not bad. In the comments, there's 80 comments, and 30 of them are, damn, they're still doing this? That's crazy. How's the Patreon doing?

The Patreon has 7 members. 7? We have so many dead accounts, bro. We have 25,000. How's the Patreon doing? The Patreon has seven members. What? No. Seven? We have so many dead accounts, bro. We have 25,000. Seven patrons? Let me clarify. It's seven patrons, but it's just seven people. Sorry.

So it's actually just Nick Yingling's one of them. He has like a thousand accounts. Sure. And he's keeping it afloat. We don't know about this. Nick Yingling's a billionaire. Wow. So we have a thousand and seven.

Oh, then fuck yeah. We have a thousand and seven. Yeah. That's fine with me. But Yingling's a billionaire. So we have a thousand and seven. We have a thousand and seven. Yingling's a thousand of them, but he doesn't tell us. Then we're perceived as still got it. He's trying to give it to us. You've always been worried about this. You were setting up for sun setting even from day dot. But now you're locked in.

I am. What are we going to do? Do you think we're going to do it forever? Mike, is this on? Is this microphone on? It's not. This is a shoe. Hey.

This is a shoe. You're talking into it. Truck. Truck. You're getting his fever spittle in your shoe. I, I, I. Wait, do I think we'll do it forever? No, we won't do it forever.

Well, I won't be here. Of course we won't do it forever. Maybe I won't be here. But. But when do we stop? Oh. Do you want to stop? You're acting like you want to stop.

No, I don't want to stop. I just brought it up because Jake and Amir. This is the light of my life. I wake up and I say, I get to be fucking funny for a living. Kill yourselves. Don't touch me. It's so much funnier if we made less money. What? Because imagine if Sly out here, and he was like it's a lot of my life

I get to come here be funny. I make less than a teacher You think this means shit to me man, I'll fucking get my distribution and I put it on red bitch you do I don't give a fuck. You don't like do. I don't like that. You think I give a fuck? You don't like it? I don't like that. Then give me your money that you have. Well, I don't want... We're okay then. Shut up. By the way, Curly, scheduled to run it back at the beginning of May

in Vegas. Oh, God, I forgot. But he would like to tag along. I might chill on that. We're going on a weekend trip to Vegas. I gotta juice back up. So, uh, hey, everyone, if you want to subscribe to the Patreon. Donation goal, I'll play blackjack. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

That deal. This is kind of cool. For every patron, we put five more dollars on the blackjack. Love it, love it. Slime does the fucking Tim Nacky. Dude, I lost like three grand on a blackjack hand, and then I looked over, and then it's just like, when it shakes, it drizzles. And he's like, stop saying it, love it. Slime does the fucking Tim Nacky. Dude, I lost like three grand on a blackjack hand, and then I looked over, and then I was just like, when it shakes, it drizzles, and he's like, stop saying it, man.

You were doing three KAs? No, it was not that. Yes, dude, I was! Three KAs? Yeah, bro! I don't fuck around, B! That's fucked up! That is fucked up, yeah.

Yeah! That's fucked up! You're still chasing. Uh, I was just bored. That's chasing. That's bad. No, you weren up, yeah. That's fucked up. You're still chasing. Uh, I was just bored. That's chasing. That's bad. You know, you weren't just bored, there was something else. Eh, bored.

But we can turn it around. Yeah, we can turn it around. We'll turn it around. We'll turn it around, man, then you get it to back of man, right? Well, to take the amount that you lost and bet it. Yeah. Double. Martingale.

Martingale. This always works, historically. Of course. It does does work that's why they limit your bet sizing if you have an infinite amount of money it works so you can't take

them to the fucking cleaners maybe it doesn't work because there's betting limits not in the special room he's actually right

in the special room we should do it we should do you think Jake and Amir would do a yard sketch with all six of us

and we'd go to college humor are they still a company yeah they're dropout now dropout Do you think Jake and Amir would do a yard sketch with all six of us? Yeah. And we'd go to College Humor. Are they still a company? Yeah, they're Dropout now. Dropout. We go to Dropout HQ and we do a sketch together. Is Dimension 20 part of Dropout?

Yes. Yes, it's like their most successful product ever. Okay. And this came way late. What? Dimension 20? I watched College Humor, but I never knew about Dimension 20. It's way later than like Hardly Working and Working and, like, Taking a Mirror and stuff. It's past that era.

I see. They became Dropout, and then they started doing stuff like Dimension 20. They're going to Madison Square Garden. Yo, dude. Shake in a mirror. Let's get it. And it's Shake, Drizzle, and a Mirror, Bloom, and Thug. And Jake gets dropped.

Shake in a mirror, bro. And the sketch is a mirror is at a blackjack table and he spends 3k on a hand and loses it all and he does when it shakes it drizzles and then a guy just talks about 9-11 you did it wow i did it i cracked you wrote it already i cracked the code the college humor was so cool i mean i don't want to shit on it they're so cool kind of like as a thing looking back at it but like as a product of the era, it was like it was the it. If I'm recognizing, though, the only reason I got into it is because of the titties on the thumbnails. Oh, my God.

You guys talked about this before. The POV series, yeah. But like that's crazy that. Sorry. The only way I got into it was just boobies. Yeah. Boobies are the great unifier of mankind. Not anymore. Excuse me? Boobies are canceled. unifier of of not anymore excuse me boobies are canceled excuse me young

man oh tiktok's trying to cancel boobies you don't know about this gen z is trying to cancel buxom men like myself the woke ruined breasts what yeah because sydney sweeney's big rack yeah respectfully respectfully that was disrespectful i think they're still talking about that oh they're talking about how like okay yeah because she was on SNL and they were like nah the West

has finally won again because she just is on SNL and she's blonde and has big boobs and is beautiful and they're like the West

you know takes another W finally but she's woke and she's woke so she took it away from them so the West lost

she didn't like get surgery well took it away because she's woke and she has breasts. But she didn't take... They're not happy about that. Sure. Which is good. Pissing off those guys is really funny.

Because it's like, oh, the object of your weird fetishization is, like, hates you. Would you do SNL if they offered you? No. Why? You'd do a guest star oh i guessed yeah you wouldn't be right i'd rip it up guesting you wouldn't model right yeah yeah i'd write wait what wouldn't you do i wouldn't be a cast member oh what if you're a writer but they said hey can you come on the one new segment oh god that's how they get you yeah it is and i don't

think i'm too good for it i just think it's not my style. You probably make more money right now than a year one SNL cast member does. For sure. A year one SNL... I feel like they fucking... Fuck with me, DJ. They ring those guys out. Which is kind of crazy.

Look, bro, we fucking... We did something illegal. We, like, cracked the code. You know? We made a Patreon and put the bare amount of effort in. And people like fucking Fearand are still trying to suck around.

There was some effort. Well, you know what I'm saying, right? No. Yes, you do. We talk about this all the time. I don't agree with what you're saying right now. So if we talk about it all the time, then you've misunderstood me. I'm saying we put in effort that I consider bare amount, and that other Patreons do even less. I see what you're saying.

I see what you're saying. What I consider is like, yeah, this is what we should be doing at a minimum, is what we're doing, if not more sometimes. And then you got other Patreons that are like, fuck it, how do they do it, bro? We're gonna do more. How do they fucking get it done, bro? I think we just have a reverse model. We we put more effort in a patreon than into our main show Not not like energy wise not comedy wise but like literal time labor wise we put more time into the patreon like literally and It's paid off plus luck. Yeah, we cracked the code. Can I come clean? We used Ludwig. Can I come clean? A big portrait of Ludwig.

Come clean for me. So a little fucking, a little peeling of the foreskin here. Nick works a lot on the yard. No, he doesn't. Right? And he'll only hit me up about a couple things. One's like really maybe high level changes or something that he asks everyone's opinion

on. Kicking Aiman off. Yeah. We have that conversation every month. It's about once a week. Is Kicking Amon off or maybe changes to the Patreon? Those are the big two. What? And the other thing he hits me up about

is every week or maybe every other week, he'll be like, yo, what's the title and thumbnail? Yeah. And he's been asking me for damn near two years. Of course.

Yeah. I've been given just the worst responses for two years. What the hell? I don't know if he's caught asking me for damn near two years. Of course. Yeah. I've been given just the worst responses for two years. What the hell? I don't know if he's caught on. I ask Lud probably once every, I don't know, like six or seven episodes. I say, do you got any ideas for title thumbnail? And he used to just not reply.

So I made it a little easier. And so what I have, I have Archie tell me every single thing we talked about. And I send Ludwig that list. Iie tell me every single thing we talked about. And I send Ludwig that list. I say, this is every topic we talked about. And it's like only, it's like only the ones that are important, like six of them. And I say, do you have any ideas for a title and thumbnail? I don't think you've sent bad ideas. Am I wrong for thinking they're decent?

I don't know. I feel like I'm phoning it in every time. No, you're not. I really don't feel like I'm putting out hitters. You asked me like, I'm like,'m putting out hitters. You asked me for Foozie. I'm like, she came on our podcast. She hated it. Sometimes your experience fuels your more knowledge baseline.

Maybe. Your D plus is better than. I'm giving D plus dick. I've been hitting the same note for two years. And I'm like, yeah, that's good. Every time it's like, we have C-Dog. I'm like, he came on our podcast. It was wild.

We tried to talk out with a British person. Okay, okay. Wait, but where's the period? And that's a 1.3 million view episode. Dude, Hank Green's almost at a million already. No way. Isn't that crazy? Because he's Hank fucking Green, dude. Wowzers, bowsers.

That's cool. Yeah, I realized I was talking about viewership as like the most boring conversation maybe ever. No, you know what? I think it's fine because we're also surprised at it. I'm surprised. Your viewer at home can share my surprise. Can I leak a guest?

Yeah. Not the guest we were going to have. This is a different guest. Okay. By the end of this month. Yeah. Linus. No way.

Really, TT? Linus Tech Tips. Really? Linus for all five foot five that's gonna be the most fun red-blooded Canadian that's the most excited I am to see slime interact with a guest

dude it's been a long this is the first time slime will ever know more about a guest than any of us it's not close this would be the last time too because I don't think there's another human

okay okay we all okay he might see this but it's pretty late in the episode, so maybe not. We need to all work on our impression of him. Okay? I think this could really be like an us versus Stan's type of impression moment where we all do Linus, and he's like, why do you all do me so well? Well, let's do our baseline right now, so then when we do the episode, we've improved so much. These servos come from rtxlabs.com, but we got them for free.

It needs work. And now now a word from our sponsor D brand That's all like that's your line is I I'm slow right now. I'm trying to think of something you would say this server rack This lady has a nice rack. Here's what you do crash You do is like it's a Nice rack! Here's what you gotta do. Aw, dude. That's... crass. Crass, dude. Um, what you- That's crass! What you do is like, it's a mix-

You guys said my cat- you're gonna bust in my cat! Well, love is real. I don't say you were gonna bust in your cat. Love is not crass. You said you were gonna bust in my cat, that's way more crass. I would not bust in your cat. We said you were gonna bust in your cat. I would never come between you and her.

You said that. You said that. So if we break up? You can give it some time. We'll give it some time. Yeah. There's a homie period. I think- so, to do a good Linus, you have to like, it's a couple parts Nardwar.

It's a couple parts. Chemical X. Yeah, toned down Nardwar. Excited Canadian. Excited Canadian. Excited Canadian. But he's got a tinge of like when the cameras turn off, the fucking whip comes out. You can feel it through the camera.

He's got evil behind his eyes. Yeah, yeah. Business guy. He's Menard War plus business guy. He's also a run it twice guy. We're not, he runs a podcast twice. Dude,

can we re-roll that? Can we re-roll it? The 90 minutes? Uh, that's pretty crazy. I can get another guest. What? Uh,

cause I got a DM yesterday from William Osmond. Oh shit. He said, he said, I want to come on the yard. I want to come on the yard cuz I want to promote open sauce Dude, that's what I thought It's their convention that they invited us to Wait, I didn't say the open-sauce thing, did I?

This was a while ago. You did. A while ago. It was yesterday, wasn't it? Yesterday? It's VidCon, but it's for people who make stuff on YouTube like William Osmond and Michael Reeves and people like that. Like science-y? Science-y maker YouTubers.

For mechs. Yeah. You said this in the Gertrude chat a couple months ago. Oh, I said that he wants us to come. Yeah, you're right. You're right. William Osmond on the fuck? Bro, yeah.

Like, sign me up. You know, my job. Everyone wants a piece these days. You airdrop me into a fucking conversation and I end up charming their pants off their head. Talking about airdrops? Talking about airdrops. You know? Yeah, I think, look, I've told you.

That's my job. I told you directly to your face early on that I was scared of you, and I didn't like bringing you around. Yeah. Because I was scared of it. He's telling you to scare hoes. But no. He brought me around the hoes. He was scared of vanilla. He's telling you to scare hoes. But no. He brought me around the hoes. He was scared of hoes.

He charms the hoes, too. But then when he comes around the hoes, he switches. I don't switch. You switch. You switch. You switch. Excuse me? It's like when you're talking to a girl you like.

You fucking switch. Hi, it's really nice to meet you. I'm slime. We were talking about this. When you talk to a pretty girl, you switch. Wait, actually, so there's three versions of slime one Is just the fucking just his home. He's just his fellas, and that's when he's at his work Do you think that's pod slime? Yeah, a little different. It's it's a little different close to usually you're like way more fatigued and lying down

I do some of everything I have for the show. There's also some bits that just don't crack through the pod ether. Like the one that he wakes up Josh with. That one, we can't say. You're right, but this is like 80% of that. You know when he's really different? What? When he's dating a girl. Yeah.

You're the most different of all of us when you're dating a girl. Because he'll be like, what did you do today? And it's like, oh, I was just, you know, I like. And we drove to a zoo. I was like sewing earlier. And then we went to Disney. I went to the zoo that I was sewing. You're like, what did you do today? And it's like, oh I was just, you know, I like- And we drove to a zoo. I was like sewing earlier. And then we went to Disney. I went to the zoo that I was sewing. You're like, what? Fucking god forbid. I'm a good guy to fucking date.

Being a good boyfriend is a good thing. It's just funny. It's just funny to see. How much you switch. So anyway, when he comes around the friends, he's Charm-meter maxed up. Whatever, like streamer people, he's Charm-meter maxed up. Charm maxing. And then also, he's trying me to maxed up Charm maxing and then but then also he is like Cinderella Because if when it strikes midnight in your head you have to leave I hate sticking her I don't drink

I was playing basketball shake drizzle and use like he's like dude miss yes others last time I was like as I've been short he's like yes slime came and then he left in 30 minutes And I was like what at a red set yeah, we can you kinda yeah, can came. And then he left in 30 minutes. And I was like, what? At Radstads? Yeah. Wait, wait. Can you clear up this? I heard this story. Can you clear this up for me?

What? Okay. So this is what I heard about you and Radstads and then you leaving. Was that you told a group. Oh, dude. I actually defended you. I actually defended you. I hope you know.

You told a group that you were going to leave the party to go to Denny's alone. Yeah. You specified to the group that you're leaving to go to Denny's, but you're going alone. I was craving Denny's. And then this group mainly, I'm just retelling what I've heard. This group mainly by leadership of Josh tried to join you in going to Denny's. This group got so big that you just said, well, I'm not going to tell you guys what Denny's this group got so big that you just dead you said well I'm not gonna tell you guys what Denny's I'm going to

And then the group goes to Denny's and you don't and you go home. This is all correct I threw a fucking Deku nut on the ground and disappear because it was too many People I heard the story. The first thing I said was, you're saying he said he's going alone? And they're like, yes. And I'm like, and then you said you're going to join? Here's the thing. Josh, I told Josh,

I'm like, I'm going to Denny's and I'm leaving and I'm going to Denny's. And Josh was like, I want to go to Denny's. And I'm like, I love you. Let's go to Denny's. But Josh is attached to two other people that were staying over at our place. And so it's like, it wasn't a voices thing. It was more like, these other two people,

we can't leave them high and dry. So it's like, okay, well, what about them two? I'm like, okay, fine. And then, because Josh has such a big fucking mouth, word spreads. And all these people are my friends but it's just I don't want to mob eight deep to a fucking Denny's

that's how we used to roll it that used to be smash tradition yeah but I'm not feeling that shit and so I said I basically threw a smoke grenade down and said you'll never find me when you went home be real did you door dash Denny's? no I heated up hot chicken from door dash the night before

Okay, so crushing your leftovers. I respect that of course I crushed a leftover. I respect so yeah I did this also at that party. I have a little crush. Oh Oh, is it who you typed? Jordan Attica is so fucking funny. I have a little crush on that guy. Who is Jordan Attica? He does Sad Boys with Jarvis, right? Oh, yeah, Jordan. You were on their podcast.

I didn't know his last name was Attica. You were on their podcast. If you said Jordan from Sad Boys, I'd be like, yes. No, no. I met him in person for the first time, and he was so funny, and that's my only value system. And I was just like I like couldn't keep up And I'm like and I'm like yeah, it's funny. So I was just so what do you call it?

Yeah, you wrote this in the group chat about this and I was like oh damn slimes at the party must be having a good Time and then shakes retelling is you were there for 30 minutes then left. It was like an hour He's also wearing his fucking lens crafters fucking pussy ass Sorry, he's just wearing sunglasses. No, it's fucking his prescription eyeball glasses. What? So he has to see pissing me off that he has glasses. They're just so square.

I'm I'm team slime. Does it not fit his shape? That about his glasses? No, in both not on the glasses. You hate his glasses. No, I like the glasses. Poor shake. But I'm team slime for both of the other things yeah i'm fucking everyone because i think i get annoyed by uh if you want to go see people but not be there for a long time you're like socially punished for showing up for a short amount of time yeah you get that's annoying because it's like i want to be there just let me

come for 30 minutes well no because i think leaving the party is a vibe killer. Not for me, because I wish I was more of a vibe killer than never going at all. Yeah, I think so. I think so. That's good. You're gross. You gotta be like, yo, I'm hitting Bevmo. Anyone need anything?

Never come back. That'd be crazy. Go home. Take fucking nine people's McDonald's orders and just never show up. And then door dash it to them and then don't come. That would be nice. That's actually sweet. The beautiful thing, if the party's lit enough and you tell people and you just like Irish

goodbye, no one notices. That's true. But if it's not lit and you leave, then people are like, where'd you go? Where'd you go? Leaving loud is disrespectful. Yes. Run them out! If you leave quiet, I'm on board.

Do letter! You just gotta dance out the door. If you leave quiet, I'm on board. You just gotta dance out the door. Here, look, I also have built this cult of personality around myself where it's like, if I'm gone, they're like, oh, he's gone. And that is such a windfall for me.

Because it makes me coming out like this sort of like, oh. Oh, dude, it's literally, you have created an environment where for the rest of your life, you have to deal with look who came out of the cave. Yeah, but the opposite of that is the benefit, too. The benefit is that when I do leave, it's like, oh, he did the best he could.

Yeah, yeah, we're really proud of him. Dude, Radsense messaged me a couple of days before his party this weekend, and he was like, yo, having a party? You know, it's about this. He's like sending me a couple lines. having a party uh you know it's about he's like sending me a couple lines and i opened up the dm to reply and i had already typed something out like probably weeks maybe months ago because i was to message him but i never sent it and it was just still in the field and it said i had a dream where i beat the living shit out of people oh my god i just you wrote that out too rad sense yeah but i never sent it yeah because it's like don't, I guess this doesn't like really matter to tell somebody.

That's crazy. And, uh, and then I just, I screenshot it and sent it to him. And that was my only response. He didn't know if I was coming or not. Dude,

you just reminded me of this. Uh, on February 5th, uh, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of that 4am, woke up and was like, she's, she murmurs something. She's like, and I was like, what's up? Likem woke up and was like she's she murmurs something she's like and i was like what's up like i woke up too i'm like what's up and she goes rad's dad's mom is actually his grandma and then she just went back to bed oh my god and i asked her in the

morning i'm like what the fuck was that scared the shit out of me. And she's like, I had a dream. So his mom. Did you ask him about this? Ask him? Brad said. No. Because maybe she had a premonition. Or maybe she has secret intel. Oh. Maybe she's in the sewing circle. Brad says if you're out there, go call your mom. Brad says wherever you might be, we have reason to believe your mom

has lied to you. And she's actually your older mom. And to the makers of Discord, please let me copy a part of a message without copying the whole fucking message. Yeah. Fuckers. And you know what else? Then I have to paste it in the fucking message and then copy the part I need and then delete it. And it's really hard to fucking delete.

This guy tweeted out yesterday. It was just like a string of random characters. And he's like, this string crashes Discord. Yeah. And I copied it. I pasted it on Discord, like in the field. It crashed my Discord. And I was like, well, I Discord. Yeah. And I copied it, I pasted it on Discord, like in the field, it crashed my Discord.

And I was like, well, I'll be damned. It shouldn't be like that. These damn nerds are too smart. Yeah, and you know what else? Discord, make it so, make it so that we get free candy. Or else I'll gut Wumpus

like a catfish. Yeah, and show us pictures of Wumpus naked. Yeah, let me see Wumpus' little fucking piggies and his fucking asshole. Discord, you fuckers. And fix the copy thing, but also Wumpus' tits. I wanna see Wumpus' fucking gaping shit. And make Wumpus have three breasts, not two. I like Discord, they got all them Easter eggs, you know, you click the right arrow key three times, Wumpus shows whole. You click the right arrow key three times, Wumpus shows hole. Loading first player.

If you click both arrow keys out at the same time, you will never guess what spreads. Oh, Wumpus. We go back, huh? We do go back. I was making fun of Wumpus since he fucking came out of the damn hole. The damn hippo hole. Was Wumpus part of Discord from day one? I don't remember. I don't remember making a Discord account at all.

You know in the old, old, old bad Melee days with me, Damien, and Griffin, he was like, Griffin was like, we should try this new thing out. It's called Discord. Because we were doing it on Skype, the podcast. Isn't that funny? And I was like, I don't want to try a new thing. But then we did. We downloaded discord it like didn't work Like suck that's crazy my account said 2016 account it was so bare-bones

I made mine in August 2015 because I sat next to try hex at Pax Prime and he was like you should get on this this is the new the new shit That's gonna replace Skype and i was like okay try hacks nice to meet you yeah right and then he told me to join the speedruns live server and that was the only server i was in for like a year it's so funny and i just never this discord thing's kind of electric it's just speedrunners you know i've been fucking binging lately is videos where it's like challenges of old games mostly rpgs where it's like, okay, can you beat Final Fantasy VII with like only items? And they're like hours long

and it just like cracked to me. How are you watching it? Like you're watching this whole bitch? No, I, yeah, I watch the whole thing.

Do you 2X? No. I'm a gross 2Xer. You know, some people listen to shit 2X. I've talked about that. Yeah. It shouldn't be that way.

I believe it. I think I did. I think listening to podcasts and 2X, if they're comedy podcasts podcasts i think listening at a higher speed is fucked that's fucked fucked one point i think you're fucking with the time i think it's informational and like you you decide that the speaker speaks too slowly it's fine yeah run it but if it's comedy like we we rely on the latency i don't listen to a comedy podcast i'm realizing yeah because every time every waking, you have to be lay

working. Because you're lay Elon Muck. If you say something, then there's a big pause, and someone goes balls, then we all laugh. That pause is part of that joke. That's right. And that time it took is part of the joke. And when you contract that, that's bad. So you hate all two Xers?

I hate all two Xers of podcasts. They really appreciate the show. But if you listen to all comedy in 2X all the time, wouldn't your frame of reference for timing be in 2X? No, because you don't speak and live in 2X. Maybe they never find anything in real life funny. They're trapped in a room, in a cave, if you will.

That's like a saw trap. You'd have to listen to Come Town at 3X and think it's funny. Oh, shit! That's a Danny G. I got high the other day and I wrote down an idea. Why don't you tell me if it's a million dollar idea? You've been smoking a lot, huh?

This is the same day. Dude, if Shake went outside, he was like... I think we can put it in the beginning. The paparazzi video. I was like, Shake, Mr. Drizzle, Mr. Drizzle., I'm just making fun of him because he's walking outside to smoke. I thought he was going to smoke a cigarette. He smokes his 40% THC bone right outside the Aria. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

To the face. Because when you're in Vegas, you should be smoking darts. To the face, to the face. To the face, dude. And I'm like, Jake, are you going to be alright? He's like, I'm the only man for the job. To the face, dude. And I'm like, Jake, are you going to be alright? He's like, I'm the only man for the job. He's right.

It'd be so hard if he said, when it shakes, it drizzles. Right there. When it shakes, it drizzles. This says, good idea, read later. How far can you travel in one hour? Try it with different vehicles. And...

Well, why don't we let Mr. Million Dollar take it? Maybe when you get there, when you go to park. My idea was that My idea was that I don't think this is that crazy. All of us would take different vehicles and then we see how far we get. And then at the end we'd be like

this is how far we got. And then at the end, we'd be like, this is how far we got. And so the vehicles are running, biking, public transportation, driving, and plane. Right. Damn, who would win? It is like a... Who would win? I thought about this. Wow.

So then I continued, you know those things that's like, form the best Valorant team, you have $10. Right. So it's like that. That is like $5. But you have like, you know, $10, and plane is like, you know, $10. Or you can buy-

I pick plane. Car. I pick plane. Planes go really fast, and they go over things. But it's in an hour, so you'd have to go to the airport- JSX. JSX. Oh, JSX. Charter JSX, go. JSEX. Oh, JSEX. Charter

JSEX, go to Van Nuys. Yeah, is money a problem? Where do we start from? You start from... Are you loving this shit? Are you high right now? What do you think? Is it a million dollars? The walkers should get Heelys. So when they're downhill, they can

coast. Ooh. When they're uphill, they gotta run. And then they speed up a little bit downhill. Okay. This sounds like a million dollar idea. This is lit. You're finally coming around, Oliver. You're the guy, man. Okay, how about we up it?

Because I did a slash. How far can you get in 24 hours? Let's ban planes. Okay, let's ban planes. And you get trains. You get boats And I get automobiles is no cars and I get them running Yeah, you lose no, that's interesting wait who get what I like the idea gets train boat

Bus so it's how far you get from your original starting point not all of us from there's a common starting point car You wait bus just you can't be you get from your original starting point. Not all of us from a common starting point. Wait, and there's no car? Wait, bus just... You can't be getting on a train and a bus in the same place. It's two teams of two. Okay. You have to buy the things from the $10 thing, but you cannot repeat it.

So, like, you can take a plane ride, but you can only take the one plane ride. Can you sabotage the other team? You can sabotage. You guys are playing? BT. I call BT? Yeah, BT.

I call BT on you first. No, because I'm on a boat. You can't call BT on a boat. There's a bomb on the boat. Nope. They would be like, that's fine. We're in the ocean. It would stop it.

My strat would be to get in a boat being hauled by a car and then just make the car go really fast. I think we just made jet lag the game. Anyway, thank you all for watching. We appreciate it. We're going to reveal what guest slime barred from coming on the podcast this week. We're also going to maybe do an autism test. It's a safety thing.

Crack the code once and for all. And if you want to watch all that, join the Patreon. You know we got in a fight last night? Who? In my dreams. Me and Nick. Me and you? We got in a big fight and I woke up and I felt like I needed to apologize. I almost get into a fight with Aiden every single night at around midnight because he yells in the house.

No way. Still? Wow. Well, we'll hash this out on the primo. I'm pissed off, so that'll be fun. Bye. Bye.