The Yard - Ep. 147 - Making Robots w/ William Osman

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

This week, the boys are joined by William Osman! They discuss what it's like having a child and being a YouTuber, the upcoming convention Open Sauce, and how William Osman was visited by Homeland Security...

Boy, is that a Red Bull in your hands? Yep, and guess what? It gives you wings. Well, that's not... Archie, you can use the robot voice for that um oh wow how do I follow that up I'm gonna enjoy a delicious sip

Papa want pop attacks? I'm good on pop attacks I do feel like we in general on guest episodes and this might be just me have been bad at intros no DJ racist? that was a shining moment hold on I'm tuning the radio right now

i'm on the way to my job uh it's like mr uh mc pedophile do you like that one no wait but he's an mc he's going past it We're not listening to that. You're listening to that show. Oh, here it is! 98.2! 98.2, DJ Racist here. In the morning? In the morning. We have some of our greatest hits coming up soon. We have William Osmond, Klansman of the...

Hold on, hold on. I gotta raise the... Oh, there he goes. Yay! I gotta raise the... Oh there he goes! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Okay, let's get this mic set up for him before it's too late. This is your job, Ludwig. Help him. Help our guest! No. Okay, okay. Oh, that's... Oh, my.

I like that. Okay. Okay, this is... That's actually perfect. It was like Pop Rocks going down the slide when I started. Like some static electricity. Oh, you got to give him bubble guts a little bit. Yeah.

Did it feel good? It did. Did you hear the way we introduced you? Something about Klansmen, I heard. It's like a figure of speech. Like Clash of Clans? Yes. We're just getting our sponsor reads out of the way.

That's good. We have a very productive crowd. We should get into it. We should get into it. A silent sponsor recalls. Let me get you good. Kind of like a lot of dark web forums that's kind of creative

no there's no way no one's ever done it to the side as long as you speak into the mic we're going to have a good time we hold our microphones by hand on our shitty podcast and it is shitty I bet it's not this is the Tucker Carlson candies

I eat it because I love Tucker I'm making a giant like a pillow sized one dude that would be This is Tucker Carlson candies. Yeah, I eat it because I love Tucker. Tucker Carlson candies? I'm making a giant, like a pillow-sized one. Dude, that would be so fire. That's like Vitamin Uncle. That you lick like an ice break, like a jawbreaker. Yeah. That'd be fire.

How much sawdust can I mix into my Zin before I still get nicotine? I think a lot. Yeah, there's probably sawdust in Zins. Yeah. William Osmond, let me ask you. I ask this to most influencers. It's like a lot. Yeah. There's probably sawdust in Zin's. Yeah. William Osmond, let me ask you. I ask this to most influencers. It's like a thing. No, I don't want to have sex with you.

That's my second question. Everyone has a price. Okay, third question. Six dollars. Okay, fourth question. So this is something I just ask right Cause it's like Okay so like

What's your vice My vice Yeah yeah yeah Oh my god It's like a thing That I like to do Yeah it's a thing That he does

Like It's a good question Break the ice about Just watching like Trashy anime No shit What really Trashy

Like Oron High school host club That's not trashy You bitch That is trashy Oh it's all I think there's very few Non-tr trashy animes

Oh my god The fucking truth is being spoken by William Osmond They do this thing and it like I get so pissed at at a lot of these shows because they start off so strong like the First episode will be great second episode great And then it just like turns into the same like drawl like this is like horrible like drawn-out garbage every single I swear there's like very big more often than not. I just into crap after like four episodes Ludwig I can't disagree I do an anime club yeah with my members on YouTube and I'm supposed to be watching all 14 freer in that's all 14 Bruins good in the anime club streams you know

they're 20 year olds who still live with their parents and they will continue to live their parents for the next 10 years, but that's an economy problem not as I'm proud yes 14 in anime watcher years Freerance D. It's good. It's a good show. It's a little slow that the swim one Volleyball one that's that's that's that's all that's you guys. That's free something. That's hero dreams of pools Yes, a different swimming anyway. I was like genuinely, oh, it's called that? No. I get it.

I get it. But anyway, I can't. I feel like I'm getting too old because I was supposed to finish it in one month. It's been two months. Really? I'm not finished. You're not too old. You just have 900 things to do and you sign on for everything.

But I never miss an episode of Survivor. What? Can you watch it with you? I'm getting old. I'm telling you. I love Survivor. Well, that's the thing. It's a thing for you guys together with the woman you love and you're going to propose to tomorrow.

Tomorrow. He's bending down on one knee. By the time this podcast comes out, he will be engaged. Congratulations! Congratulations! It's finally happening. It's not for sure though If it doesn't happen

It's not for sure You guys have any shovels in there? You're like hesitant I'm not hesitant The date is variable Oh yeah the date's whenever But it's the proposal that is happening tomorrow At 1pm

This isn't bad I shouldn't say this Because my girlfriend listens to every single podcast episode whenever but it's the proposing that is happening tomorrow at 1 p.m i do you know i this is a bad i shouldn't say this because my girlfriend listens to every single podcast episode i was gonna ask if she listened to every single one and the premium episodes i love her pay for it i love her dearly yeah of course of course please uh and i love her dearly but i part of the reason why i want to get married is so I can say my wife. You like that? I love that. You like saying, that's my wife.

Because sometimes I say it and she goes, you can't say that. My old ball and chain. She doesn't let you ironically call her your wife. In a southern drawl. You're married. Yeah. Do you get to say it? I do.

Say something about your wife. My wife is the only reason I'm not dead, probably. Okay, wow. it's more like she kind of takes care of the things that I don't take care of She didn't stop me from doing My heart goes out to her yes, I saw what I when I first found out about you as a youtuber I think it was when your house burned down. Yeah When I first found out about you as a YouTuber, I think it was when your house burned down. Yeah.

Okay. Dude, that's like the greatest. No, it should have been, though. That's what's so bullshit about it. Yeah, you didn't even get to have the... I didn't... Like, come on. Give this to me. So your house burned down.

Yeah, the whole town burned down. Maybe I knew about you right before that. Because I remember you were like crying in the video and I was like, oh, that's sad. What? It's on YouTube. Oh, I broke the video. Maybe I knew about you right before that. Because I remember you were like crying in the video and I was like, oh, that's sad. You feel like, oh, I want to put that on YouTube. Oh, I broke the news? It's just rough to be like, yeah, I remember the first video I watched you were like crying and shit. I'm not saying it's bad.

I'm saying it's sad. Just like sobbing like a woman. And I was like, wow. Well, I'm sure this experience was, you know, a really good like growth learning moment for him. Right, right. And then I went to your house recently. I've learned nothing.

They have a laser that they've modified in their garage that could cut your arm off. That's bad. What? The whole arm? It would... In one piece? Like, stone bone? I mean...

And they have burn holes on the wall where they were testing it. In Southern California. You're talking like Star Wars cut off? Probably as close as you could get to it. I mean, I think it could... Star Wars cut off your finger. It would be bad.

It would be really bad. It's like a damn Tesla front. He's like, hey, put these little goggles. Put these on. Why did it burn down the first time? A friendly jury situation in my mind where you upset politicians and casino owners.

I was researching Jeffrey Epstein. And you pushed it too far. No, it was the power company. That's who ended up taking liability. Their infrastructure was old and shitty and it was sparking it payout Yeah, they did lawyers get all of it. It was it was actually I learned a lot

I learned that if you get a settlement the part the lawyers take you can't deduct from the taxes you own the settlement Yeah, take it off the top they take it off the top So basically if you get a $10,000 settlement and the lawyers take $4,000 of that, you still pay tax on $10,000. Oh, you're left with nothing. Wait, that's like, no. Wait, you can't deduct your taxes? That lawyer took no...

That's crazy. Wait, what if it's for a business? Unless it's personal injury or something like that. There's certain... Well, for business, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably everyone, you know... And the lawyers aren't paying taxes then, presumably?

Because you're paying taxes on it? I think they're paying... They're paying taxes on the income. They do pay taxes. So it's double tax? I don't know enough, but that was my thought as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's Joe?

Joe! This is why RFK is taking over. So like if somebody hits you in a car, like if you get in a car accident and you get like hurt and you sue them, then it's deductible. But for non-personal stuff and personal injury, you have to pay taxes. Oh, for my house burning down, it's not very personal. Yeah, it didn't hurt when my house burned down. Deeply impersonal possessions.

Dude, I was pretty mad and it took like five years for all the court stuff to finally go through. I only know one other person whose house burned down. I found out this weekend Daniel Tosh's house burned down. Really? His reaction was, I just bought a new one. I'm rich. I was like, damn.

That is crazy. I was not rich. Yeah, that's fair. Life does change, I guess, when you have Daniel Tosh money. Yes. You have Daniel Tosh money? I got money. I don't got Daniel Tosh money. I'm very happy. But I think Daniel Tosh...

He's on Tosh.0, man. You can afford some things to be burned down. Me and Ludwig saw Daniel Tosh live a couple days ago. Really? He's still alive? He's still around. He's still kicking. What is my phone broken? It was both of these are the

same thing. It was a double date. Okay. But also you're in trouble. What did I do? If you don't know, there's a comedy fest in town. Netflix is a joke. I'm not in trouble. No, I'm not in trouble. My girlfriend has messaged you about eight different... Your bitch wife has nothing on me.

You take that back. My wife will put you in the ground. You hear me? My beautiful wife has asked you... She asked you to go to eight comedy shows. You said no to every one and said every comedian she offered sucks. Eight is such a horrible, horrible lie

of a number for that. Is Tosh.0 a bad comedian? Uh, Daniel Tosh, I don't, I don't, I haven't watched him since Tosh.0. Yeah, to be clear. It's funny you call him Tosh.0. Did I? It's just like, that's what we know him as. That's all he has. Yeah. He's calling Ashton Cooker, like, punked. Yeah. Punked the guy. Punked got, got, wrote that letter

to the, the Weinstein kids. That was fucked up. Uh, to be clear, I didn't say yes to Daniel Tosh because I think he's a hilarious comedian. Yeah, who found this somebody just cuties been going Every show Comedy shows in a row She said she said do you want to go to this one? And I was like no, I'm tired have Don y'all go and she's like, is it because she's a woman comedian? And I'm like, okay, here we go.

And then... Was it? Was it? Was it Ali Wong? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She asked me to go to Ali Wong. Why didn't you go? Because I was busy. Because it was a woman. Well, because of the detail. And then she was like, it actually was really mid, so you didn't miss much. I'm like, cool.

And then she kept asking me, like, do you want to see want to see this person this person it was two other people that sounds awful and uh i was like what a fucking a-hole she is i don't know why would she do that oh my god she's not she's she's a bitch wife no you don't get to say that why because she's not his wife you do have to call her my bitch girlfriend Well, I bring up the the comedy show because if you think Ludwig is a riot when I'm watching a movie movie like a whole Way, oh, we're watching a comedy show. He is a can't hold your shit together. I'll dr. Chuckle fuck over here I have I have a I have a laugh that I do when I watch There was there was a part. Ha ha?

Yeah. Ha ha? No, he goes, ha. Ha. If it's funny, I go, ha. If it's really funny, I go, ha ha. And then if it's really, really funny, I might drop a triple, but that's rare. He does it during downtime.

He'll pick moments that nobody else is laughing at. I'll give you an example. Let it rip. We went to see Jerry Seinfeld live with cutie and her whole family Jerry Seinfeld makes out with a 17 year old girl That was 20 minutes of a stick set up. I have a question. Why did you guys go see Jerry Seinfeld live? Cause her family is older. Okay. And Jerry Seinfeld was probably a more exciting option. He came in a wheelchair. It was also three other, it was Jim Gaffigan, Jerry Seinfeld, and some Italian italian guy they really liked mario talks like he's from new jersey on crack why did that make me laugh uh and so we

went to see them and then one of the guys not jerry had a joke and he was like yeah in 2001 i had a job uh right after 9 11 and then i laughed and i was at the Hollywood Bowl with 17,000 people. Nobody laughed. Perfect acoustics. And just like one lone voice echoed through Hollywood. Why don't you just laugh normally? Laugh at the jokes when I thought that was the joke. That's okay.

That happens sometimes. I thought it was funny. You're a perpetrator of this at a lot of things. I just think a lot of things are funny. No, you actually don't. Arrest me. I'm sure I did. I like you just holding your things are funny. No, you actually don't. Arrest me, officer. I do. I like how you're just holding your breath the whole time, and you let the single ah out.

It's just breathing. So when the comedian asks rhetorical questions to the audience, Ludwig was answering them out loud. No fucking way. And to be fair, sometimes they weren't rhetorical. Sometimes Daniel Tosh expected people to answer in the crowd. Anybody got foreskin in here? There was one part where Daniel goes, what's your favorite part of the day?

And Ludwig goes, lunch. Dude, oh my god. And I'm laughing really hard. I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up. And he's like, it is. He asked me. Pause, pause, go around, go around. And then Daniel Tosh continues to do the bit where he goes, I want to met this girl. And I asked her her favorite part of the day. And she said, what'd she say?

He was like, lunch. She said lunch. She said lunch. And I look over at him and he looks at me like, mm-hmm. And then he goes on to say, I almost left my wife that night to marry that woman who said lunch. That's funny. And I said, damn. I wish he heard me Yeah, well, that was his joke

It was he went on to say the best part of the day is sleep and people who get up in the morning and go Wow, I love today or something suck. There's a comedy show Went into 20 minutes of abortion jokes He stole my joke Stole my funny he stole my joke your joke jesus he stole my joke he stole sorry they sound the same i also get them mixed up daniel tosh stole my joke yeah tell us about it oh gee well he'd go to see the show and he says i'm gonna do 20 minutes of abortion material and then he unironically did 20 minutes of abortion material and his final abortion joke he said i wrote the joke to end all abortion uh conversation wow to unite the

left and the right and it really boils down to one question when does life begin and and i made a joke in college and i did a stand-up so you can find it out there tevi late night ludwig abortion look that up and my joke right now my joke was okay let's rephrase a question instead of asking what his life begin. When does it start to count as a threesome? Okay That was my joke great joke He had the same joke except there's a little more crass because he said it would be weird to jizz on a 14 year old girl's face Jizz on your on your daughter

Everyone agrees to be weird edges on a six-year-old everyone agrees to be weird edges on a son's face at 14. Everyone agrees that'd be weird, and then he goes out and everyone agrees it'd be weird to jizz on a six-year-old, everyone agrees it'd be weird to jizz on a baby's face, is it weird to cream pie your beautiful wife when she's pregnant? Yeah. And the answer's like, oh, probably not. So that's, but, like, same joke, man. Do you think that if a... I'm coming for you!

It was funnier when you just did it now. Like, that joke was just funnier when you did it now. Do you think that being in the womb protects the idea? Like, if there's, like, a ten-year-old still in the mother's womb just hanging out like a kangaroo-like pouch? That's, I'm not sure. Yeah, it's a lot. There's probably very few people that would even be able to bust in that situation.

Kangaroo pouches aren't wombs. Are they not? No. No. Well, I'd be fucked. Oh my god. They're closer to an asshole. No! There's poop in it.

There's crud in there. It's like the front butt. It's like an enormous belly button, I think. Oh. And there's crud in belly buttons. Okay, is there milk in it? Are you saying words you like to say? No, that one's real.

He's the scientist, so I'm trying to sing it. Is there milk in the butt of the guy? Yeah. Okay. No, the mom. I think the mom, it is the mom. She's got milk in her, no is there milk in the butt of the guy yeah, okay? Mom I think the mutt it is yeah, she's got my she's got she's got milk in her. What do they call marsupial cooch? Yeah? Do I think it's do it? That's how it is Oh, I miss her I did imagine stretching your belly button out and then covering your boobs with it I think that's kind of a a pouch is Oh you can do that with your nuts

But then it also has a milk in there You got the milk in there. You just yeah, and it fills it up. You look so modest. It's like a tube top Yes, the science world is so beautiful. Yeah, we could Google us to make sure it's true Is this what the panels will be about at Open Sauce? Oh god, thank you Jesus Christ Yeah, he's like it's the only reason I'm here. Hey hold on be about at Open Sauce? Oh, God, thank you, Jesus Christ. Yeah. He's like, it's the only reason I'm here. Hey, hold on.

What's Open Sauce? Open Sauce is an event that is the fucking greatest science fair you'll ever be to in your goddamn life. You're going. Are you going, Ludwig? Did I say I would? You said you would. So is it 50% chance? Damn.

That's exactly what I said. Every time I text him trying to get him to fill out the form, it doesn't reply. Oh, he has never filled out his form? I'm not a form guy. Unless it's from the all new Toyota Prius. Baby, I'm there. As long as it's not in June, I'm there. Fuck.

You need to plug with more conviction. You need to drop the off-camera fire festival rhetoric. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Open sauce is every YouTuber you've ever seen on YouTube is going to be there. Mark Rober, Michael Reeves, Ludwig. Whoa. I'll say it wrong the whole weekend. Let me read the whole list.

Someone say something while I'm looking at the list. It is the second year. What did you hear about it? Last year was the inaugural year. I asked Michael. We actually went on a motorcycle trip right after he came back. It was like a two-hour trip. He told me about it the whole time.

He said it was amazing. It was very fun. Did you guys hold each other? We held each other on bikes. On the bikes? Not on the bikes? On the bikes, we do do bound to, but it's only in parking lots because we're not good at it yet. Yeah, it's harder when you're-

You need to practice. Did you guys watch Mythbusters growing up? Yeah, I did. Adam Savage. Whoa. Did you know he actually sucks off Jamie Heineman to the bone every day? What the fuck?

No, he had a butthole picture. That's it. The skin is gone. He does not have a butthole picture. That's it. That's all. Do you want to see Adam Savage's butthole? No, that's crude.

You're cruel. He said yeah. I'll see it a second time. What if I think I'm Adam because Shorty turned me into a savage? How's that? Keep going, please. I prefer to be Tosh.0. There's probably a good one in there.

I'll think on it. Aging Wheels, Alex Steel, Alan Pan, Applied Science, Bobby Duke, BPS Space, Breaking Taps, Brent Underwood, Brian McManus. That's real engineering. Archie, could you put a timer on the bottom? CNC Kitchen, Code Bullet, Code Miko, Cody's Lab, Colin Furs, Dax Flame, Doug Doug, Electro Boom,

Emily the Engineer, Evan and Caitlin, Everyday Astronaut, Explosions and Fire, Grady Hillhouse, 3Blue1Brown, How to Make Everything in Texas, Ivan Miranda, Jake Laser, James Bruton, Jeff Geerling, Jeff Epstein, can I ask you a question? Jeffrey Epstein.

Kyle Dill. We'll go back. Sorry, just skipped over one of the last ones there. You're naming a bunch of scientists. You're going to be on a panel with Niall Redd. What? And he's going to put elephant toothpaste in your ass. I would love that song.

I love that so much. I love Niall Redd. God, he'd clean you out. God, and you'd have the most calm voiceover. But then we'd pull it out, and there'd be a mold of you. This is a human asshole. Yeah. God, it'd be so sick.

There's just a gray Ludwig clone, like 12, from Street Fighter. Nile Red colonoscopy booth. You ran it last year. This is your second year. You're still scrolling. That's a shitload of people. There's a lot of people. There's a lot of people.

There's a lot of people. So it's like a science... Backyard Scientist, Action Lab, dot emporium. It's like a science guy, like YouTuber... What if you don't like science, would you still like it? Uh, no. Okay, well let's work on that. If you don't like science, eat shit.

Are the orgies just fucking dope? Yeah. We're talking GDQ 2014 level orgies. Whoa. Banjo and the Boys? This takes down YouTube channels. Yeah, it's bad It's like you know bad it's down bad okay I got an idea for you. Yeah, you want make money on event. You know the Ren fair. Yeah, all right What about the Len fair okay? It's like the band Len who's that and it's kind of like a juggalo type thing Oh, I'm already got me.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So we all paint spring break on our pregnant shit. Yeah. And we all have relationships with our sisters. This is such a deep cut. If you watch the Len music video for seal my sunshine, this will be slightly funny. But to me, Nick and Dawson, it's the funniest thing that ever could have been conceived

right now. My question to you is... Yes, I've changed my mind. I will have sex with you. Jesus Christ. Right? Because it's like... Why not?

Because it's like the hair doesn't matter that much. The hair doesn't matter that much. I have great hair. No, it doesn't. It's going away. I'm actually thinking of getting it tattooed because I'm not sure if it's receding or if I've always had a widow Speak my mom has it bad too. Okay, and I'm not sure

Let me see what's going on here. Oh, it's thick Fine it's just it's like there's a widow speak and I don't know if it's crying What about pictures when you were a teenager? No, okay? Look at oh gee What about pictures when you were a teenager? No. Okay. Look at OG. Oh, he is gone.

Jesus Christ. What are you done for? Dude, I don't know, man. We're fine. We're fine. We're fine. Thank you. We're fine. That's a tone of confidence.

It's holding strong. I'm not worried. It's been this way for years. I got hair on my ass, too. They'll just fucking... Yeah, yeah. Let's put it back up there. When and where?

Can I go from my head to my ass? Yeah, when is Open Sauce? When and where? June 15th in the city of San Francisco. I know. We'll be there. People love the city. Yeah, people in San Francisco all the time.

Yeah, we do have a... Don't bring your car to the end. We have an 18-acre parking lot, though, so it will be better than parking on the street. Why San Fran? It must be a crazy country. That's where all the nerds are. That's true.

Because one of the big things like like i love to see shit people have built you know you like we watch a michael reeves video or my or mark robert yeah people like and they build this thing uh-huh you'd be like i would love to fucking see that thing yeah like that is that is what the event is is people i bet there's a surprising amount of like crazy like random people who show up who built pretty cool shit. Dude, I cannot even stress how fucking smart people are. Like they show up with the dumbest, smartest, coolest things you've ever seen. And we have like, there's going to be like four or five hundred exhibits this year.

So basically people who have built a weird machine. Like there's this guy who built this like churro extruding machine that like extrudes churro batter into a deep fryer. What? So it's like it makes the whole thing literally just like shits out like the world's longest churro and these people are in san francisco they're all there like so there's there's a they're trying to catch vc fly trap money they're trying to get some fucking fat cat to walk through with his fucking crypto ball swinging around he's this churro machine and he's like, I need something long for my crypto balls. I've had a long, I have long coin. So I'm going to, you know, here's $7 million.

You'd be the long churro to my crypto balls. It's like e-sports, but for engineering. I'm going to come up and shake down a CVS with a Boston Dynamics robot. I think that's what I'm going to do. Just sick them. I'm going to steal all the razors Dude, me using robots to fucking steal shit Yeah, that is the future

That is the future That is awesome And then 50 cows mounted on their backs It's like 12 of them going to the Apple store, rip it Like they still rip them out of the displays What voice would you put on it? Uh, ooh that's such a good question Default Siri 1

Australian Siri It would be Aiden apologizing it sounds like you made something that you yourself would want to go to yeah that's cool yeah that was it sounds like it solves a problem I had with Adobe Max because I went to Adobe Max one year

and I was like, this is going to be so cool. I'm going to go around and steal these booths with cool up-and-coming programs or tools to edit videos and shit with. All of it was fucking lame.

It's just core bullshit. It's all bullshit you don't need. It doesn't make it anything easier or better. Dude. Yeah, it was shitty but it sounds like

you can just go exhibit to exhibit and see cool stuff. It's chaos is there gonna be a live stream component um

we were thinking last year not like a full live stream but just exploring the event for a couple hours on a live stream let me tell you this

I'm not gonna fucking go I don't even know I have an English degree I'm not gonna have sex with you anymore dude

whoa you feel dumb now idiot I would like hey fumble the bag zipper can you book me a flight

to San Francisco in June sex francis dudeipper can you book me a flight to San Francisco in June sex francis do we put you guys in a big glass box together at open sauce yeah the fuckathon

and you have sex as long as you possibly can I'm okay if people see in I don't want to be able to see them looking in one way yeah

one way but in now I likely may not be there right but if I am interested it would be cool to like flip on a live stream and see like People around fuck that Okay, sorry. I didn't mean it welcome to people come watch. I didn't mean it do watch live streams I'm not on YouTube fucking this for nerds. Yeah, honestly fuck live streams. I'm saying I'm saying go to

Well, you should have cool. I know this guy Alex 19 you hire hire him, and he just walks around with a fucking IRL backpack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. He's a good guy. Who's this? Alex19. He's just a guy who actually does this for Smash tournaments. That's not a bad idea. He's a great guy.

I have a question. I'm trying to get Alex paid. Oh. Sorry, go ahead. I feel like you're not, there's nothing nefarious going on. There's no joke behind it. There actually is nothing nefarious. The joke is that he said Alex19 to you, and you don't know, there's nothing nefarious

The joke is that he said Alex 19 to you and you don't know that is and we do that's kind of funny and the people That know like this work made it look like he's gonna like steal my kidneys or something. He's gonna stay kidneys. I got good kidneys That's exactly I'm not gonna steal your kid More likely to than I would be but yeah You being great I have a question I have a question here you make videos online for a living and you also have a baby Yeah, it has is that is magical and wonderful as the Hallmark cards tell you it is or is it? I thought it probably would have been early on. They spoil it.

I love my baby. I can't describe it as anything other than I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to suck so bad. And it did. But it was also really rewarding. That's honest. Yeah. I don't know.

It's very hard because it's good. It's so good. And I would never trade it for anything. But it it's very distracting it does require you know you only say like the like the dad reflexes there's no such thing oh no it's just a part of your brain that doesn't stop thinking and so it's just more like you can't ever focus on what you're actually trying to focus on it's it's like it's a parasite. It's not a superpower. Oh. That's so fun.

How old is your baby? Almost a year, like 11 and a half. 11 months. Have you really done anything to impress you yet? Yeah, there's this like between like six months, like from six months on, it's the freakiest thing because they're like a little bug at first. It's this horrible little like, you know, it's like it's like the most crippled pet you could find at the at the store. Where do you get them? The pound?

What do they call it? Yeah, we go to the pound. The bug. And then they start just like making sense of things like they start making eye contact. They start looking at you. They start recognizing you like that was weird when they recognize you for the first time because it's like then they get like happy when they see you and then you know trying to to stand and talk and crawl like it's it's so weird watching this transition from like a little piece of useless shit to a slightly

more fun and adorable and lovable useless piece of shit and But when do they maybe stop being a useless piece of shit? I think probably when they turn like 30. Okay. And so when they turn 18, so they can get fucking enlisted, brother. Leave a comment down below how old you are and then we can average them. You should build like a mech suit for your baby.

Has that been said to you before? I was thinking of doing something with the battle bot. Like it pilots it? Like a little... Dude, baby battles? Shinji, pilot the battle bot. Dude. Pilot the battle bot, Shinji.

All right, we get the neural links. We put them in two babies' brains. Yeah. And their brains control the robots that fight each other. I think both babies would die. No. No, the robots would die. Before they even got in the robot.

No, their brains are like pudding. And you can put whatever you want in there. That. No. The robots would die. Before they even got in the robot. No, their brains are like pudding and you can put whatever you want in there. You put a PCB, just drop it in the pudding and then it works. It automatically, the stem cells connect to the social studies now. Hello everyone who has a kid or likes them, maybe like Drake or less like Drake.

That's your intro? Would you like a chair? We're trying to sell products and you bring up champagne look at our look at our chair it's beautiful i'm saying you got a kid maybe you're getting the family together in the backyard you want a nice nice little rock and lawn chair summer's coming up it's hot boy summer what if you want to crack a brew sit in a chair pack a couple of zins maybe you're shake drizzle maybe you want to go harder for drugs maybe you're gonna get fired this year maybe you're gonna get fired and really things are gonna take a nosedive in your life.

But you know what'll be really nice to do while that's happening? Have a nice sit in a nice little bed. Not only a sit, a rock, because it's a rocking chair. And also, what is this? Backpack straps. That's kinda cool. But fellas, the shipping's gonna be too expensive. No, no, it won't be. Too expensive? But what if you bought it with something else? And it made it free! The season one comic book? Whoa!

Oh my god, it's a yard, it's a yard book. Every episode from when we were on the old set, aka season one with artwork by Leo Thompson, shout out, with little things written by us about every episode. We annotated every episode with little behind the scenes or thoughts or, you know, whatever Lona was thinking that day. So dream with me.

You're vaguely white. You just got fired from your job. You're sitting in a rocking chair. I'm going to be fine probably. You're looking up. How will I afford finasteride? I don't know. You're looking at your beautiful book.

Is this not a future you want to live in? Outside, sun shining, in your rocking chair, reading a niche podcast book. Rocking chair? You don't want anyone to ask what you're doing. Cop the rocking chair arrives in a few days and then cop the book. It's on pre-order right now. Two days or your money's back. Because we're telling you about it after it sold out, which is funny.

It did sell out. We didn't think that you'd like it so much. We didn't think Twitter would like it that much. But also, something about the book, there's zipper things in there zipper episode so if you want to get inside that mind of the ill mind of zipper gaming that's also a huge little secret you get it right now for some number on 99 okay tell them that I'll tell them where to get it in the nerd details You can go to the yard dot sale. You can buy either

Or together get the free shipping And the you know the chair you'll get right away This takes a couple months because we already sold out we're relisting it for all the hungry little gremlins that still want to get it Chair comes in two days your money back And if you can say that you complain about how long the book takes to arrive to your home, I'll find you at your home. I'll find you at your home, he'll say. He'll do it to you. And, okay, we've talked long enough.

Let's get into the episode now. 48 hours, you're money back. Here's William Osmond being a really awesome guy. Do you maybe ever talk to other babies? Yeah, like, just sort of, like, goo-goo-ga-ga shit. Do you throw them in a room together and see what they do? Yeah, there's a lot of, like, throwing hands. Uh-huh.

Yeah, like, kind of just, you know. You got a warrior baby. That's a good class. If there's a baby on the TV, do you point and go, look. Look at you. It's like a dog. Look, it's one of you.

I'm always theorized about a baby. I would not talk to them like people talk to babies. I would talk to them like I talk to you. Oh, you'd stand up. You'd keep it real? Do you do that? Oh, so you wouldn't ever talk to them? I do. Boom. You gonna take that shit?

He is a fucking... They're soft. They're soft. They smell so good. He's like, pick a rock off of them. You'd throw a chunk at him. I'd just let them chirp. I had a question about your fucking little ass baby. I like talking like they're an adult.

I think kids love that. When you talk to a kid like an adult, they're just like, holy shit. I love doing this. You should teach your kid American Sign Language as it grows up, and then just never talk to it ever, and then one day just be like, ah! Have you read any of the stories when they keep like keep a kid in a room like these like a horrible Wired language in my 20s

Is it a basement or an attic? Oh, attic. A lot of asbestos. That's the sun, so that was cool. Yeah. That was cool. You also, you're fucking capping, cause I said good shit to that 12 year old who had played basketball and you got mad at me. Well yeah, cause that was inappropriate. Oh, it's inappropriate to say good shit to an athlete.

Yeah, he said good shit to a fifth grader. A fifth grader. We played basketball together. And after that he dapped him and said good shit. If they're gonna, if fifth graders are gonna go on that game show and make us look dumb, we can curse at them. And I said, Slime, you can't say good shit, like that's bad. I didn't curse at him, I cursed with him. What'd he say instead?

What'd he say instead? He would say good job. Good job! Good job, young child! You think the kids of England at fifth grade Los Angeles public school aren't saying shit? Dude, they're saying way worse. They're saying crazy shit! But let them say it amongst each other I mean you're like in the same way LeBron will say good shit to ad and slap him on the ass

You shouldn't do that to the fifth grader Don't say good shit just do the ass flap That's you know what that is more appropriate You know what if he committed more appropriate. You're not their sport. Would you be okay with that? You know what? If he committed and the father was there, yeah. Yeah. As long as it's safe. But I do this with, I hung out with Cutie's family all week because they had Disney week. They come to Disney and they go every day.

And I like talking to them like whole ass adults. So the five-year-olds, like I have a bunch of Babybel and they fucking love Babybel. Wait, you just have cheese on you? Yeah, because you buy it. I buy it at Disney. I buy it by the packs because I like eating it. You just snack on cheese.

You put wax on their nose on a hot day. They sell that directly at Disney? They sell it at Disney. It's a three-pack. So you just snack on cheese all day on a hot day and just sweat.

I just have cheese sweat. How's your shit? I just be going fucking crazy on that shit. Do you have like shit problems? No, no, no. You have like shit problems? No, no, no. You ever see how high they can jump?

Huh? By like holding the cheese out? Jump! Jump! Come on, jump! Oh yeah, no, we play that game too. Yeah, yeah, they're dogs too. But then, I always say, hey, if you want it, you have to answer my trivia question.

And they'll be like, sure. And then I love just throwing them fucking curve balls. Yeah. Cause they want me to ask what their favorite color is, but I'm like, what is the greatest military power on earth? Yeah. What was the moon landing? Famously. Yeah. What was the moon landing? China! balls yeah cuz they want me to ask what their favorite color is but I'm like what is the greatest military power on earth yeah but I asked him what is the largest country by population and that was that was stumped them for a whole

last minute motherfucker said Asia as a country okay and then he goes he goes to his mom and his mom is stomped. His mom's tossing out. She rips a brick. But she really wants the cheese. She's getting broken off. I have to bite out of this. I'm like, I got to change these questions. I remember what I was going to say about babies.

You know, if they drink water, they die early on. They do tell you not to give them water. Isn't that crazy? A lot of the stuff feels like. What else do you put in their bowl? You put milk in the bowl. And one Cheerio. Half a Cheerio.

One Cheerio if they're big. Good cholesterol. If they're a little bitty, you can put it in the fucking bowl. Was your baby an accidente? No. Don't say it with a Spanish accent Accidentes 1-800-555

Does your baby own a stupid doll? He could be entitled to compensation That's nice You planned it out, you have a little baby The way I thought about it I have a commitment paralysis It's like, less of do I have a commitment paralysis it's like

less of do I want a kid and do I not not want a kid I knew I wanted a kid at some point sure like I feel like

I don't know do you want a kid at some point I want a kid I want a litter no I don't what's that mean I want at least 7

7 maybe 10 bro your pussy's gonna be destroyed my pussy's gonna come out of me so it's gonna be so torn crushed pelvis

cause of death I'm gonna love him the same. When? When will I have him? Yeah. Well, you gotta propose first tomorrow at 1 p.m. Yeah, he has to propose first. You got the questionable kids camp over there

and you got the probably kids camp over here. Yeah. Coincidentally, these two men are uncut. Oh, interesting. More virile. Uncut or uncut? Cut. I'm afraid I'll make too many kids.

Dude, I don't know. That sucks for you. Did you cut uncut? Cut. I'm afraid I'll make too many kids. Dude, I don't know. That sucks for you. Did you cut your kid? No. Okay. You can't get cut. Oh. Right.

Oh. That is so hetero masculine of you. Yeah. We used to assume. I don't know how it works with women. We cut the whole thing off. I don't know. That's how you get a woman.

You just assumed his kid was a damn boy. I thought there was a 50% chance. And maybe that makes me a fucking goddamn idiot. Maybe. Uh, all- they all fall off, like baby teeth. Eventually. The foreskin? It dries off.

The penis. The penis dies off. The whole penis. The penis at large falls off. The penis at large falls off. The penis at large falls off. I still have my baby penis. And then the girth fairy comes.

Who here do you think would make the best father? And maybe also the worst father? For Gary knows that answer I don't get any vibes many of you they'd be bad dads. Oh what the fuck is your problem be the best? What are you good dad? I think so. I think that's so sweet. I just called this kid a parasite Are you a good dad? I think so. That's so sweet.

The guy who just called his kid a parasite 10 minutes ago. Oh, yeah, I did. Do you have any secret kids? I might have mystery kids that I don't know about. If you got into a beef with Kendrick Lamar, would it unearth that you have more children than you publicly say your daughter pretends? I'd rather come out that I have a secret kid than anything else

with kids. Right. Yeah. That seems to be the consensus. It's okay to have a secret kid as long as you

made the kid. LeBron keep the family away. I'll say this right now and we don't have to talk about it because it'll be cold by the time this comes out,

but I think Champagne's in trouble. Oh, my God. You can't still be saying that. It's true. He is in trouble. He is in trouble, bro. He's in trouble. Because Kenu Kamara was like, oh, Kenu Kamara's like, you're a pedophile.

And he's like, I'm not a pedophile because you got molested. And Kenu Kamara's like, do I have to respond to that? And everyone's like, do I have to respond to that? Yeah, and everyone's like, huh? Cue the Fortnite image and it's the screenshot here and it's, did Drake fall off? Everyone lean in like this. Is it over for Drake?

Don't look at the camera. They look at each other. Great. Five white guys weigh in. Yeah, that's our thumbnail. Have you talked about it at all? Yeah? Yeah, I made a video about it No way So into the be 20 minute recap video because everyone's into it and you only like things that are popular He's a fucking only thing I fucking this is so the reason why it's insane that you're tweeting about and recapping the beef is because

Six months ago six months ago Ludwig said to me straight faced Drake won the beef against Pusha T when he dropped back to back which is awesome which is just the wrong beef it's just incorrect on so many levels whoa yeah it's because because Drake lost that beef, for one. Lost? And then also back to back is Meek Mill. This is like Destiny just reading about Israel, Palestine on Wikipedia and then hopping in. Yeah.

Except he read the Wikipedia page wrong. He mixed up two sections. And now he's making 20 minute mogul mails. Dude, do you hear Drake's up against Palestine? That can't be good. I started off my whole video and I said, hey, to people who listen to more video game music than real music, this is for you. And you're also probably white. And then I went into it.

You stole all that from Twitter, by the way. No. Have an original thought. This was me. I said, I've done this. This is me. I get to fucking've done this. This is me. I get to fucking rep my street cred of listening to the Final Fantasy X soundtrack

for 18 years. You get to do whatever you want. It's true, you can't do whatever you want. Well, no, but I get to rep that I have no street cred. Can I wear your glasses? No. Come on! No, these are my favorite glasses.

I want to wear them. I don't care. Please? No. Dude, why? I'm not going to break them. They're my favorites. Can you at least put the sunglasses on Puff so that they go over the eyes?

That's what I had on when I felled off. Let me do it. Are they on the eyes? No. Did you make it down? Wow. Yeah. Click one.

There you go. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That is pretty cool. That's thick. Yeah. When they fall off, I want to wear them.

Yeah. Is Awesome Sauce the... He liked that one. Open Sauce. Open Sauce. Yeah. Is, as a, as a awesome sauce, the, um, he liked that one. Open sauce. Open sauce. Is it, it sounds epic. Fuck you.

Is it the one thing you care about the most right now? Uh, I, besides your kid, I'm talking about work wise. It's like, yeah, work wise. It's like the thing I have to focus on the most.

Okay. It needs the most attention. It's like, it's like the thing I have to focus on the most. It needs the most attention. It's like, it's like the, you know, I describe it as, you know, we've talked to a lot of event people and it's like, I mean, you guys have done events. You sort of know, it's like crashing an airplane. Like you want to crash it as soft as possible, but you're never going to land it. It's soft landing versus hard landing. Now we're talking about the economy. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I would probably land it because I have skills like that, but yeah I mean I think you would person that smashes the plane in the ground Landed a 747 Really? Yes, simulate a real life sim in sim dude come on like what do you? Cuz it was a fucking real-ass sim I went to Vegas for it was crazy I beat the near automata am I fucking am I a robot woman who has cool swords? Like, no. Shut the fuck up.

747? Yeah. Bro, not even the 9-11 terrorists did that. That's actually true. Well, they didn't land their plans either. Well, they landed at their destination. Famously, they didn't land. If it was a 747, they would have landed.

We did this bit. We did the flight sim terrorist thing. No, no, no. I got a new one. They only ever had to do half the training. That is what they did. Yeah. That's crazy, right? They can skip the whole part about landing. Yeah, I think that super raises suspicion now.

Like you can't say that. They actually need to learn how to take off. If your Steam profile only says it's turned about hours. Only the part about flying in. Oh, they how to take off. If your Steam profile only says it's turned about hours. Only the part about flying in. Oh, they have the achievements. Pilot taking off course, 1,000 hours. Pilot landing course, zero. No, it's not.

They don't even need to take off. Avoiding obstacles, like every achievement. This is from like the Starbuck, I think. We do go back to the 9-11 well quite a bit. Is open sauce your secret plan to retire from YouTube forever? Oh, he's smiling. Do you want the honest answer? It was a bit of spite.

Spite? Yeah, it's like a kind of a spite-filled event. You're a spite-driven man. I am a spite-driven man. John Green, you're going to start this. No, no, no, no, no. You're going to start this, and then you're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones.

You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones.

You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones.

You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones.

You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're going to write his bones. You're gonna start this and then you're gonna write his bones. You're gonna write about a young man who gets cancer and falls in love. I'm gonna start some beef right now. I don't know if that's a valid idea. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. The Yarn presents...

Go on. When I first... There's like... We were working... When I first said the idea to Niall Redd, he said it didn't sound interesting. Okay. I don't know who that is, but he is also a pedophile like Drake. What? Dude. Thank you. Wow.

He's like one of the best YouTubers. He's a great YouTuber. Drake's one of the best pop music makers. What can I say? That's true. He made Nice For What, but here we are. Yeah, that's true. And that's why you made it is because Niall Redd said it sounded...

I said, I was like, fuck you, Niall Redd. I'm going to make the greatest event ever. That's cool. And then he said it is actually very good. And was like fuck you, Niall Redd. I'm gonna make the greatest event ever. And then he said it is actually very good. And he's going. He was the first one, yeah. So it was all to spite Niall Redd. You are so spite-driven. You went to a

viewer's house, no? And pipe-bombed it? I did, yeah. My goat. That was the dream I wanted. The funniest part is it was the wrong house. That's okay. This was the dream I wanted. The funniest part is it was the wrong house. That's okay. This is the police suit all the time.

This is how it works. They're professionals too. It is cool. I will say of Niall Redd, when you hear an idea from a friend, you're like, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to go in on that with you. But then you end up doing it and they end up supporting it.

That's a big thing to do. I like that. It was like it was it was like there was spite but then you know one because we're friends like we're actually friends healthy spite exactly it's kind of like oh you know i don't know i think i personally like in school when someone tells you you can't do something you're like you'll never be able to accomplish and you're just like fuck you i'm gonna do it yeah that's now i'm just gonna do it i'm gonna name it your name his entire life really nick had a friend who said you can't

not eat fast food, and he just doesn't go to fast food places. Except for In-N-Out, which for whatever reason, he doesn't call fast food. Yeah, In-N-Out has a weird clause, and it's cringe, and we don't talk about it.

There's a carve-out. He's eaten like 300 burgers a year from it. He's eaten In-N-Out a lot. Like, it basically replaced everything. Oh my god. I don't eat In-N-Out a lot. How? I did back then.

Do you put up with the line? With the line? The line is always so long. Okay, the line's long, but uh okay the lines long but it's fast No, it's 30 minutes. Oh, I go to in and I see the line long. I go inside. Yeah, it's faster Yeah, oh, he's not in the car. He's such a car pill the America's car built. You're not train brain just lying No, just lie go in sometimes he drives So many outs in LA are the only drive-through in and outs by the way

Yeah, it's like the first time about the drive-through in and out kill yourself Hey, I generated More recent one was I was having A lot of trouble I used to skateboard Yeah I got in a bad accident I stopped skateboarding Like skateboarding accident Yeah

And then I have like fake teeth And stuff now Oh shit And then I What You have to brush them Do I have to brush them

Yeah Could you brush around Could you only brush Your real teeth And not your fake ones No Because plaque still Builds up in between them guys

No because mine was like I don't have like A retainer I have like reconstruction Because it broke to the root there's like screws in your jaw gross little no no it's like my teeth are built onto the roots of my teeth but they yellow at different rates so you have to brush them or else you can see the lines of like where they're connected i got you a. You're a little cyborg now. Yeah, a little cyborg. What did you eat? What did I eat?

Was it concrete? Concrete, yeah. And my tooth went through here. So it all split open. And then I had to get all this stone shut and then fake teeth. Anyway, skateboarding. I was having trouble relearning to kickflip

as an adult. And I asked one of my friends who is a skateboarder, I said, do uh relearning to kickflip yeah as an adult and i asked one of my friends who is a skateboarder i said do you think i can kickflip like do you think i have it in me they said no they really thought about it like it wasn't just like a funny thing to make funny they really thought about it like no i don't think oh you have that and then i first tried the kickflip after they said that in front of them and i realized that moment i'm spite driven yeah yeah because all i was in the way was I was afraid to get hurt. But I wanted to hurt them. More.

More than I was afraid of being hurt. You were willing to get hurt. Yes. And now I realize that what if I can make my own spite? This is like therapy. I think we're like. Spite's a powerful motivator. Yeah.

But a dangerous one. Ludwig loves doing this. Ludwig will be like, you can't do that. And then when you do it, he goes, I just wanted to motivate you. I knew you could do it. I push you. I hate that shit. I'm sorry, I push my friends. I'm not objectifying shit. I'm always trying to push you to be better. No, you're not. 100%.

No. What? Damn, that was Okay, he means it. I give up. I do have to shake all the time. Well, shake's gotta be fired, well shakes doesn't have to be fired so we don't have to talk about it

you gotta stop doing this to my man I saw him last night it's hard it's hard when you look someone in the eyes that you gotta let go one of the first people

I ever hired and worked with and slime for whatever reason is now in his ear trying to tell him he's gonna get let go he's a great editor that is pretty funny

right dude this guy gets me yeah who's your best friend Will let go. He's a great editor. That is pretty funny. This guy gets me. Who's your best friend, Will? Oh God, probably my baby. No, no. No, it's his wife.

I think at this point, the person I spend the most time with is Kevin, Backyard Scientist. Okay, yeah. Like he's, I would probably say he's like my best friend at this point in my life Like if you take a huge nasty dump piece of her first person you send the picture definitely the first person I would call You pooped up your back

You're on a date and you don't want to get up because in the poop will unstick He wouldn't help, though. Ah, sperm. I took a massive dump the other day, one of the biggest I've ever done. My phone's dry. And it came out so... Well, I'll tell you. Your phone is dry.

My phone's dry. Here, this. My phone's dry. I need to go to Dan or Tosh. Do you have cell service right now? Fucking send it. It came out so wide. I'm telling you.

It came out so long and so connected. I felt it the whole way through. Yeah. It looked like a one wheel. And then I heard something I never heard before because it went straight down the toilet. And then it hit the side and went, boop. It made a porcelain echo. And then I got up so excited to look at it, but it broke when it hit the wall. So it didn't look impressive.

But the shit stain was so high. Yeah. In the bowl that I was like, I've never got one there. It's a clay court. And I didn't think about it. And then it's in one of the bathrooms that we don't use that often, but for whatever reason, Cutie put a weird head in there. And then Cutie was like, there was a shit stain, and I don't know how it got there. Oh my god. And I didn't have the hard time. You're like, wow.

Weird. That's what I said. I was like, babe. Like, impressively high? I put up big fucking numbers. Like, you would be so impressed, but it was damn near eight inches. Still keeping secrets, and you're about to propose. It's not cool, man.

No secrets. You gotta put that shit away. Well, you have until tomorrow at 1 p.m. Dipper, I sent you a photo, actually actually I took this this morning when I got here because Ludwig was late because he doesn't respect your time he hates you. That's fine I don't respect my own time. Peace. Okay so this is the toilet. Oh ew you don't like this? This is what I walked into this is a toilet downstairs. You do do this. So there's piss in it. This is not me. That's not piss. It's not you.

This is not me. Then who the fuck is it? There's piss in it. Oh! Is this you? Is this you? This is you standing up after peeing, not flushing, and then piss dribbles all over your nasty cock. The guy who famously sits and pees every single time dribbled on the seat. You stand up. That's what I'm saying. You stand up and it dribbled off your fucking cock.

I know one man in this group of five that took a pee When they got to the studio before they come upstairs, and it's billion ma's. Oh, dude. Is that you absolutely not me Hold on flush when you pee no, I piss on the top of the lid Yeah, what's funny about the zipper Yeah, what's funny about the zipper zipper pull up the photo that I say I'll double-decker that's called the infinity pool I I don't I don't think there's one time in my life. I've ever pissed with the toilet seat up or down like that Yeah, cuz you always put it up. I always I always put it. I don't have a William uh Scroll down go down. I got a piss let me in it was a big deal

You really had to because I was hydrated in my yep. My piss is not that yellow Dude, if I piss on your toilet seat, I would like to take credit for it That's fair. He doesn't seem like he would take credit. There's only one guy who's in this warehouse every day Mm-hmm. Oh Interesting interest you're gonna accuse the person who sits down when he pees Yeah, there's a lot of pee on this toilet seat. Who's the easiest person to throw this on? Shake, shake, shake, drizzle!

This is why he's getting fired. I'm fired. That's what I said! I'm letting him go. Next time I come here, I'm gonna shit on the fucking toilet seat. Just a fucking- a log? Have you tried shitting on a toilet seat? Like a Mike Tyson tattoo. I'm assuming it's very hard. Is it? It's very hard. I have a question. Hey, um How's your take on it?

It's okay. Ask him if I can wear his glasses. Uh, I have another question. Yeah, uh, is it cool if slime wears your glasses? Yeah Yes, thank you. Dude. You're fucking rule. They are my favorite glasses. You guys don't care shut stop talking Why are we trying to show on the toilet seat? How do you know that? Well, there's a Jean Lajoie song about how hard it is to shit next to a toilet seat, and I listened to it. And then I was like, I'll try that. You tried doing it? Yeah.

And it was really, really hard to mentally get your brain to allow. And then also, just the way a toilet seat spreads you, it makes it easier. It applies counter pressure. It facilitates. Yeah. Did you, like, stick your asshole on the seat? No, my God. It just, like, no. Yeah, yeah.

Like, when you're using an ice cream, like, dispenser, or a furry dispenser, you push it right up. No, no. You need a little bit of gap. This is like Christmas for me. You need a little bit of gas like Christmas for me need a little gap, so I stood I said I like if if your knees were the toilet seat I Crashed only reenact it go

Yeah Yeah, okay forward you're facing the care facing this to see and then and then and then I was no do it do it No, no, no, he's got it. Oh good. Yeah, so this is the back of the toilet It's 200 pounds on your on your quads you ready? Oh my god Like a squat in bro a tramp stamp for the first time it's so funny your phone pops out maybe

maybe you are meant to be Japanese I couldn't do it though so I'm not gonna pretend that like I'm that guy you could you could rock the squatting potty

I'd you know what I'm saying that's a thing the squatting potty when you squat and you shit into the ground oh yeah yeah yeah the squatting potty

is the thing that helps you do that you could do it for real you do it for real oh yeah you're like an animal I could just squat and drop it from high

what if you gave what if you gave us a booth at Open Sauce? I've been sitting here thinking about what we would make. I promise you over the past 45 minutes. What if you give us an assignment and all the tools, and we have to make it together? Okay. Guys, gentlemen. It's a bidet, but it's a laser.

A bidet, but it's Mountain Dew instead of water. Mountain Dew. Did you not do this? This is easy. We can do this. It's just like a, but it's a laser. A bidet, but it's Mountain Dew instead of water. Mountain Dew. Did you not do this? This is easy. We can do this. It's just, it like pulsed it with music. Okay. We feed Aiden for every day of OpenSouth.

We keep feeding him, but he's not allowed to poop. And the goal by the end of the event is to make the biggest poop ever. Oh, my God. Oh, we do a scientific experiment of who can make the biggest dump. We all have different diets. I got it. Listen, it's a carbonated bidet. Yeah. And the carbonation gets up there easier. And it's like, it's crazy

because I said this exact thing on his podcast. No way. I think I was going to say this sounds familiar. Oh my God. I think that birds of a feather. I've heard you can taste in your asshole. Is that true? Don't say that. Is that true? Like I've done it. Dude, aspartame diet Coke bidet. And it goes in your ass and you can like, and it's your asshole is that true don't say that is that true like i've done it dude aspartame diet coke bidet and it goes in your ass and you can like and it's like addictive is that a thing you look

up coke enema zipper this is this is what would kill you it would kill me no the aspartame would make me feel good i think cigarettes would hurt the carbonation would be like wait carbonation is co2 right yeah it's like in water, though. It's like slightly acidic. So if you pumped enough, if you pumped enough into this, into your hole, you'd die. With anything, really. You could be. It wouldn't have to be that much. When Steve-O did the beer, the butt bong, the beer bong, that was dangerous. Yes.

Is it? Yeah, because it goes through your membrane. It doesn't go through your liver. You absorb way more alcohol. Quickly. That's why boofing shit can be dangerous. It's better for your liver, though. A Coca-Cola may be effective in evacuation of large fecaloma from the rectum, sigmoid.

Well, thank you for calling me that. Translate. Translate scientist. Sigaloma, I think that means shit, and rectum I think means asshole. Sigmund Freud is like a psychologist. A scientist, yeah. And then descending colon is when you're walking down stairs

while pooping. Hold on. Do you guys smell that? It smells like monster cheese. It smells like monster cheese in here. Are you not wearing underwear? Oh, God. What did we tell you about the underwear thing?

It's like an onion and monster cheese sandwich. I'm making my own roux. So, I implore you. I beg you, Ludwig. I cannot live like this. You have to start using the products that we advertise on this show. It's like MeUndies. And I know what you're thinking.

How could this possibly be a setup for an ad? Well, it is. I promise you it is. Because if you're wearing me undies, this situation doesn't happen. I don't like shit that's really comfortable. It's really comfortable. It's breathable.

It's stretchy. It's comfy. It's also sustainable materials, which is the only good thing you'll ever do with your life. I don't care about that. And also your pits also kind of smell like cheese. So you could get the hoodie, maybe a pair of joggers.

Maybe it's covering you in MeUndies like a blanket. You should really wash in general. You know what? There's cute little patterns. Maybe there's one with cheese on it that you can kind of feel at home. You could be like, that's where the smell's coming from. It's scratch and sniff. We don't have to suffer and deal with that. I could be down for that, I guess.

Is it affordable? Of course it's affordable. Well, let's make it more affordable for you go to me undies.com slash zipper and get 20 off your first purchase plus free shipping because i'm already rich i don't really need the code yeah but are you comfortable no well there you go don't wait to be comfortable you have growth that we can smell the undies.com slash zipper 20 off plus free shipping comfort from the outside in and growth from the inside out let's get back to william osmond see what he's packing downstairs are you what he keeps calling you scientists do you have a degree in science now what is it i have a mechanical and electrical engineering degree oh that's minor in electrical you have a minor in electrical yeah Yeah. You're crazy, bro.

Yeah, it was... Mechanical is like... Yeah, they're the same thing, actually. Like electrical and mechanical stuff. What did you do before you two? I worked a couple jobs. I worked at this company that was making the thing

that put bullets into an F-35. Whoa! That's good. Whoa, you're immersion of death. I mean, they didn't really let me do it i wish i went to uh you heard like north of grumman yeah yeah so like one of the things you do in engineering because so much money is spent is like you have to have meetings about like

like what you're doing do you have to like explain you have to have you know you have to try to explain as much as possible they call them like a preliminary design review and i had to drive down you know i got paid my mileage and whatever extra shit i got paid to do it and it was it was the worst like five six hours of my entire life it was a bunch of old men just screaming at each other about this like just it was it was just this little trailer yeah it was like a little trailer like it tows behind a car and i was like they were just it was like the dumb i couldn't i was like i will kill myself if i have to fucking if i work if i do this job for my career like i can't do this i had uh so i

had i worked on the other side of it so the way this is all funded it's through private companies that the government sends out a proposal and they say do you guys want to do this job of making bullet casings for a you know a gun and then a bunch of people like me i want to make the bullet casings i don't want to be a merchant of death will they be used on heads sure i'll do it i want the only heads and children. And so then they bid on that. And my job was one of these private companies that facilitates the bidding of the proposal. So I was doing like responding to RFPs and shit.

So guys like William would be on the resumes that I'm advertising, even though we don't actually hire him. We worked in the same industry. We were both in a way. And we left. Well, we did leave. I worked on FIMS though, which is changing light bulbs. Wait, you said F-35?

Like the fighter jet? Or is that a- The fighter jet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my- The new one. The like super, the one that is like

going over budget all the time. They didn't even have that one in Top Gun Maverick. They didn't have the F-35s. That whole movie is, can't exist with the F-35. No. Yeah. Because it's about the pilot on the plane. Yeah.

So you worked on the Foren. I like that. Dude, I honestly, I basically knew almost nothing of what was going on there. They gave us like this. Me too, me too, me too. You have to have a CAD model. Yep.

But they can't just like give you a model of the F-35 computer aided design. It's like a computer, like your engineering model christ you ever heard the term cad model cad so they give you like a part of it they give you like a small section of it and i think they like change some stuff too but it's not perfect a cad model of an f-35 full could you could i send it to r and earn $1 trillion in that game. Yeah, probably, yeah.

Like, that is a federal crime, and they will kill you for it. Don't plane heads just look at that and go, oh, that's what they did? No. Because inside, it's... Like, if I'm a Russian plane head, right? Don't I look at that and go, oh, I get it. I think it's hard. What's in there?

Just a bunch of, like, wires and shit, I think. Exactly. You should be able to be like a Windows computer. A wiring harness from a Subaru outback. Just fucking pops right in. Maybe a mogul moves bidet. If the Americans know that Russian plane heads would know,

maybe they'd make it look a little uglier. And the insides are different. So you'd put an Xbox in a PS3. Right, exactly right. Okay, I have... I had a really valid thought you sure You've made a lot of things yeah, I'd make things mad at you sometimes you make your things sometimes I mean dude that's it people like get mad at everything. That's what do they do like people get mad about um You know the x-ray thing? Didn't people get mad about that?

Yeah, there was. That was. I mean, people madge mad. I think the guy that actually got the most mad was this dude who does a lot of like, you know, maybe some like radiation work and whatnot on Twitter. He was super upset saying it was like super unsafe. It's like, yeah, sure. It's almost always safety concerns.

And it happens to Kevin as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, it's like yeah sure. It's almost always safety concerns. And it happens to Kevin as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean it's like nothing everything is everything you do is dangerous like

eating zins is dangerous. Driving your car is dangerous. Oh you don't yum me when I eat them whole. Yum me.

I like a 17 milligram. I think it's weird to be mad when you pose no risk to anyone but yourself. I know. It's a science

community thing for sure. Yeah there's some people who are super uptight. I ended up talking uh someone i went to high school with who works in like like x-ray engineering so they work on the engineering side of like ct scanners and whatnot so it's it's not just like a technician like this is a person who really understands it and she's like it like it doesn't matter like it doesn't matter like it doesn't

actually matter at all. If you're not exposed to it every single day and you don't have any, there's no liability because it's just you and you're doing a little bit of it, it's fine. Every time you get on an airplane, I brought my Geiger counter on an airplane once and it's like going apeshit. What? You get blasted. On an airplane?

Yeah, because you're so much higher. So there's way less atmosphere to protect you. Oh, shit. You get absolutely blasted. So pilots and anyone who spends a lot of time on an airplane, like flight attendants to protect you you get absolutely blasted so like pilots and anyone who spends a lot of time in airplane like fight a few dollars for this part dude statistically higher chance of actually so true my girlfriend is terrified of flying hasn't flown in a year and a half really it's fine what are we getting saved by this episode being like uh baby they got we talk about planes a lot watch this one she's

like she's like some of them have guns don't worry about Tuesday at 1 p.m. like that's not a thing how did she do with the whole all the Boeing doors falling off I think she's just feels maybe more validated in them probably hasn't like every single model plane that a door fall off on her phone and notes thing I says don't go on she's not going on plays anyway so if they fly off she's like fucking dumbasses on the sky. Hey why would you do that idiot? Yeah true.

I don't know if you thought about this or felt this way but do you remember when they released the 737 Max and two of them crashed

because of like software issues and everybody died and the story is way bigger this time because the people lived

and could post TikToks about the door falling off and everybody the story is way bigger this time because the people lived and could post tick-tocks about the door falling off Yeah Everybody the story is way bigger and people are way more mad now And I'm like did everybody forget that they killed 500 people four years ago with the Americans. No I didn't know one of them was was one of them. It wasn't an American domestic flight Oh, okay, God-fearing fucking Christians. If it was an American domestic flight, we would talk about it for the next hundred years.

We'd probably ask, does the pilot have blue hair? Was the woke the reason it went down? That's probably why. Was he busy looking at the liberal agenda? Instead of his flight charts. I was going to follow up. So people get mad at you. Has the government ever been mad at anything you've made?

Like I did a thing in them. The only time we've ever had anything, and it was, it was not even, it was because of Michael. Actually, this is like, this is such a bizarre story.

Like one day, we're, you know, the first house Michael and I lived together in. We're, I'm just, you know, you just,

what do you do at home? You just sit around at home, do whatever the hell you do at home. That's what I was doing. Whatever the hell I was doing at home. Circular shit, play Fortnite. I'm beating my little man up.

Yeah, I was down there, beating my hog. You nasty shit. Doorbell goes off. Great. Go to the door. That's what I was doing whatever the hell Doorbell goes off Great go to the door. There's like two dudes Like just grown-ass man suited up sort of kind of like It's like open the door. It's like hello, and they're like I just you know we're with Homeland Security something I guess Michael here, and I was like, give me one second.

I close the door and I'm like, I don't even know. Like, there were so many things going through my head. I was like, like, what do they show up for? Is this like, is this like a hacking thing? Is this like a pedophile thing? Is this like, what the fuck did Michael do? I'm like, what did he do? You know, because like, you know, when we had just moved in, like, I didn't know him that well.

Sure. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I mean, look, it could be anything. You walk into his room for the first time. And there's just like, shallow walls. I was like,

what the fuck do you have to do for like Homeland Security to show up? Yeah. Dude, he's wearing his I'm a pedophile t-shirt that day. Dude, I'm like, no! How am I not notice this?

It's like, I thought that shit was a joke. It turns out that somebody had been, they were like hacking people. Like they were hacking Instagram accounts. And they had been like trying to mess with Michael too. I think he might have told this story before. But they were trying to, you know, they pull out like their notebook full of like, you know, subpoenaed. Is that what it's called when you get all the text messages and emails and stuff yeah it's like all of the conversations he had with him you know had

with these hackers over there you know a couple of weeks they'd been kind of messing with them threatening to like sim swap and whatnot where they like social engineer the carrier to give you a new new card so they can take over your number right um so they were just asking him questions about the dudes because they'd been like taking, taking over, like, you know, like, Instagram models. Michael knew about these people and was talking to them. Yeah, because they were, like, you know, emailing or messaging. So he, like, played Fortnite with them. I don't know.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Just to, like, talk to them because they were, I think, being kind of aggressive. Yeah. Talk them off the ledge. Yeah. Trauma. I don't.

Yeah, I don't really know. Show them how to hack. That one scared me a lot, though. They were being aggressive he's like let's play Fortnite let's figure it out yeah I know hey like get on Fortnite

and like we'll talk on there kill run kill run so where do you guys drop like they can't track us if we're talking on in game com on Fortnite

it reminds me of Caleb Caleb Pitts a comedian made a joke and then during COVID the FBI came to his house. They're like, what are you doing?

What are you doing? What was the joke? He told us on the podcast. I forgot what it was. But now he has to like, it's like a pain in the ass. He stopped the TSA and shit. He stopped the TSA and shit. Wait, hold on.

What was it? Keep going? I mean, nothing came of it. They told us to talk to the local PD and we did. And the PD basically said, hey, like what crime was committed? And we're like, no, no, no. Like these people from Homeland Security or FBI, I still don't said hey like what crime was committed and we're like no no no like like these people from Homeland Security or FBI

They I still don't really know exactly what it was they told us to talk to you guys and say there might be like they were Think maybe those were the guys dude. I there's no way they're way too stupid. Oh, you mean the guys that showed up Yeah, they're too old Okay, voice changer It's like two middle-aged like older white dudes are not they're not they're way not hip enough the PD I'm assuming no shit. No, they they they basically like what crime has been committed and we're like no no I don't like no no We don't understand like we but they told us to talk to you because maybe somebody would like call a threat in or something

And and the guys like well, why would somebody do that? And it was I just it's so useless It sounds like home security was kind of Based yeah, they were, we're checking in. This seems odd. Yeah. And then they're like, you guys should do this. And then the local PD is just like, who do you want me to kill? They're like, what?

Do I kill you? I'll kill you. I have like nine bullets. I can kill nine people. I can kill nine people. Do you want me to kill? Have you seen the baseball cop? The cop who there's a guy who hits a home run.

And then he hits a home run hits a fucking dinger out of the park goes out goes out into the stands it hits a cop the cop immediately like gets stumbled and reaches for his gun dude it's crazy this is a baseball this also happened an acorn fell on a cop's car and he literally does a dark souls fat roll and like gets his gun out and just starts fucking shooting the tree It's oh my god, we're so fun. It's kind of it's actually like sort of scary how hairpin trigger That's why they train them. Yeah, they're like this one with a girl in the like Was it Burlington cofactors or something? She was like in the changing room and they shot through the wall and hit her Oh my god. Yeah, that was like a few years ago. Yeah.

This is the acorn. This is the acorn one, yeah. We're gonna do the fucking fat roll three times. That was sick. Yeah. There were so many rolls. He's fired. He shoots. He shoots his gun.

He shoots his own car at the guy who's in the back of the car, I think. Oh, he's still shooting. He unloads it. He's unloading a fucking clip. Dude, yeah, reload. Isn't that crazy? Holy shit, he's still shooting! He unloads it! He's unloading a fucking clip. Dude, yeah, reload! Isn't that crazy? Holy shit, he's playing Call of Duty. Yeah.

And that's what we put fucking weapons in the hands of. Oh my god, that's horrifying. And he's mostly mad that the Baja Blast and the Dash is getting warm. I'm a damn bitch. That's bad. How old are you, William Osmond? Do we want to guess? I'm going to guess. I'm going damn bitch That's bad How old are you, William Osmond? Do we want to guess?

Or do you want me to say it? I'm going to guess I'm going to nail it Ready? You are 31 is my guess I'll say 32 To be interesting

Take my guess It seems like we've got you 30 To a zone I think I'm 32 Oh my god Yes 91

You're going to ask your wife? If it's 91 You're not 32 I'm sorry. The math just doesn't add up. Am I turning 34 this year? I don't know. You're too young to do that.

I think I actually do not know. When 70-year-olds do it, I'm like, I get that. Just Google how old is William Osmond. Dude, how do you not know what age you are? What is this shit? I know I'm 30-something. This is weird. You're weird.

You're 32. 32. I'm turning 33. Okay. Thank God. I was like something This is weird You're weird You're 32 32 I'm turning 33 Okay thank god I was like this is it Michael was just saying That we get Chelsea would get really mad

At him for it He'd be like He said I'm gonna be Dead by 30 About himself or about you? About himself He's like yeah that's old Like I don't wanna be alive

When I'm 30 I'm just gonna Is he over 30 right now? No but he's I wonder if he He's like 25 Oh okay Whoa is that young?

He's young. I like the idea of saying, I'm going to be dead by 30, and you're 34. Isn't Lily 30? Yeah. Lily is also dead. Famously a well over 30.

I think she's like the exact same age as me. Could be older. Yeah. Because I remember when they started dating, I was like, Michael, the older women. What's that? Why are you saying could be older? I'm just saying she could. She could yeah Am I wrong? It's not a crazy thing to say. She looks it. I see. What are you? You're like 27? 28. 28? Yeah. You don't look it.

I look younger? He moisturizes, he works out, his body pumps and pumps and pumps for me. I have been fucking getting pimples though again Do you like moisturize? Every day. Really? Twice a day. With what? Sunscreen in the morning and then just regular CeraVe. Like the spray on the aerosol? No, no, no, no. It's like a cream with SPF in it. Okay.

You know what? You might have to hit me up with that because I'm getting older. I'm going to make my baby do it. Are you afraid of like looking older? No. No. No, I wouldn't get like plastic surgery or like finasteride. You wouldn't?

No. But I think it's just like in the same way I brush my teeth. I think putting on moisturizers SPF is the same thing Mm-hmm, it should just be part of a daily routine that's cutting your ass with water. Exactly, right? Exactly, right. Dude. Why are you did a swipe a day that like cuts your like circumcises your penis? Okay, there's so many ideas and you're leaving them all on the table. William fucks with me William fucks with me more than any guest we've ever had. You know the Hot Wheel Boosters with the foam things?

Yes. Glue razor blades to it. See? The death light. When you say things, I imagine them very briefly. We're going to need to experiment with somebody. What are you doing this weekend? Okay, sure.

Yeah, I could be available. By the way, how much money would you get a circumcision for? Everyone's got a price. That's what I'm saying. Man, it would so change the course. I did have a friend who had an adult circumcision. He's quite happy with it. He's quite happy with it.

I've never seen him so pensive. Shout out, Eric. Yeah, the market's been good, so he got a low rate. I don't know, man. I feel like I really like my loose skin. $10 million in your pocket. Oh, I mean, yeah, I would do it tomorrow. Please. That's not even a lot.

For you. $10 million is an insane amount. $10 million, I'd eat it. Would you cut your whole dick off for $10 million? No. No, no, no. $10 million. Not even. It's not a price. You have a price you'd cut your dick off for? A billion dollars?

Three bucks. He already had the baby. He did his last purpose. He can be a eunuch now. You have a price you'd cut your dick off for? A billion dollars? He already had the baby. He did his last purpose, he can be a eunuch now. Think about it every day. Yeah, you could be a master of whispers. All balls, no dick. That's me, baby! Do you have a video that stands out to you that you never uploaded?

That's like, what? There's some shit that I just didn't know what to do with. I have a video where i like lived with mr beast for 24 hours and slept in his room with him that's kind of never published it why did he publish it i don't know i just felt like he was just fucking depressed he wasn't making a video for himself at that moment i was i was we have you seen a subscriber counter the big wheel thing. So I built that. And.

It didn't work when we went there. I know. There's, it's YouTube. YouTube doesn't give you an API to access subscribers. And so we had to make a YouTube account that then was granted managerial access to them. Okay. And then they kicked us off of it. And so it literally didn't have any way of figuring it out. It's been fixed since.

But when we were there, I'm like, hey, can I film film a video with you i'd like live with you for 24 hours and i uh i think there's something good in there because i was trying to figure out like you know what other youtubers doing like what are their what are their motivations what are their goals and you know i'm very grateful he let me do that and it was fun we had a good time um but at the end of the day, we put it together. And I was like, it just feels like a little bit like he makes videos because he has to, not because he wants to. I mean, I will say Mr. Beast is not always on. And like there's points where I've been recording with him where like everyone's hanging out. And he's like, all right, I'll be back. And he just goes inside of a room.

And then he just like, I asked him, I'm like, all right, I'll be back. And he just goes inside of a room. And then he just like, I asked him, I'm like, what do you do every time you leave? He's like, Oh, I just lie down and do nothing at the sky. Stairs at the ceiling just for a break.

And I'm like, Oh, okay. And I'm imagining that probably happened. Yeah. With him for so long. Yeah. He,

he was playing, uh, some mobile game. It was called, um, shit. No, fuck it. I know what you're talking about. It's the one. It was like, it was like Lord. He was called... Get there. No, fuck it. I know what you're talking about.

It's the one. It was like Lord... The one he was getting coached on. You can look it up, I'm sure. Look up MrBeast's mobile game. Or actually, maybe... It's the one where he... 800 copies of StumbleGuys.

It's the one where he sent a Bitcoin hitman to someone's house that was his op and made him not play the game so he could get an advantage. Really? Yeah.

In a way. He like had people play for him. Yeah. He had a Discord server. He like understood the sleep schedule of the second person that he was trying to get to and he was like, you know, trying to be online while they weren't. And he like offset him. So he basically, he was playing this game like all day.

He had spent like 40 grand already. And he had a Discord server. So he like, they like made, they made a guild and uh wait what is it lord what is it uh yeah yes i think it was like million lords or something like that um he was just googling million one day yeah dude he had a discord server big things pop up they had made like a de facto like an unofficial guild because there was like apparently no mechanic to do that and so they would have like meetings like voice chats and They they would talk to him and it was just clearly mr. Fucking Beast and nobody had any idea Yeah, they like none of these people had any idea was him and then one of the opponents in the game like someone they were fighting

Was like the only way you could have done this is if you had spent like $15,000 like there's like you're you have to be cheating and he's like he had actually literally spent fifteen thousand dollars yeah on microtransactions yeah and we so we went to bed you know like i slept in his in his room not in his bed um that you know i slept on the couch um and he woke up at like he set his alarm for like 5 30 in the morning for the game yeah this must have been around the same time we we hung out with him and did our episode because he was talking about how obsessed he was with yeah Yeah, and I saw say like this is like the thing that was making him like the most satisfied in his life at that time Was million Lord. Yeah, that's all got him through the day like actually yeah, and I think that's why I didn't I was like

You know, I didn't want to just be like here's the mr. Beast studio. Here's the this here's the that I kind of you know I wanted something like I don't know I wasn't I mean whatever it's it's I don't give a shit it's also a window into like a part of his life that you know maybe it's it's not very nice to like just make a video about bearing a soul to the world yeah and that's that's kind of what I felt is like whatever conclusion I came to is not a thing that was I just don't it's not calling Samir they would post that ate that shit up they post their fucking address came to is not a thing that was just don't call it because we're supposed to eat that shit fucking address but whole spread shaved up when call it do it they follow mr. B's during like a period that he has like 24 hours of work yeah and

there I think he's like always working there's points like you're saying where he's playing the game at 5 30 in the morning, not working, right? Right. So like they did it following him around. It was a huge video, but it was like during the release of the Mr. Beast Burger store, which is shut down now. Yeah. What do they even contribute, Colin and Samir? Come on.

Are they even funny? Colin and Samir are what you watch or subscribe to the newsletter of if you want to know what's happening in the creator economy. You want to become a creator. So valid. What a crucial, crucial role. What a valid- Do you think if Cosmere didn't exist, that role wouldn't be filled by someone else? I would hate them equally. But don't you think it's a necessity?

You're asking if journalism is a necessity, and I do. But I don't like the idea of these guys fucking being mean to you about it because they think they can. I think you're mixing up the ice coffee. No, I'm not. Because they were giving you shit, too, the Colin and Samir guys. Ice Coffee Hour were being cunts about your coffee. They made fun of this studio for having a bunch of shit around.

But we have a bunch of shit around. It's fine. Yeah, it's true. Who doesn't have a bunch of shit around? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. The only one who has a bunch of shit around but we have a bunch of shit around it's fine. Yeah It's William Osmond Set is just garbage. It's actually garbage Why do you have real garbage it was real garbage But I was cleaning it one time and I saw there was like rats in there and so no

Yeah, and so we took out all the other real garbage and then replaced it with like fake garbage I was like there's just garbage in here, and then there's an open pizza box. That's interesting you want well cuz we're supposed to be in a dumpster. Right. Okay. It looks more like a dumpster if there's garbage. You guys should get like a raccoon family. So we thought about doing a raccoon in the dumpster but then I rented a raccoon like a couple years ago for a video and I realized taking care of a raccoon because you're prepping for your kids.

Yeah, and we actually found out that Chelsea was pregnant when the fucking raccoon showed up to the house. That's so weird. That's when you need the raccoon. Was it a cute raccoon? It was the house. That's when you need the raccoon. Was it a cute raccoon? It was, but dude, they're assholes. You would not want that thing on a podcast set.

If it was on the podcast set here, it would be probably up in that tree fucking ripping shit down. It would do exactly the opposite of what you want it to do. I would actually love if it was doing that personally. That would be really funny. We have the little PTZ camera, just follow it around. There's enough space in here I think it would be fun. Uh, like you- they would give it grapes, but there's only so far that goes, right? Like once it doesn't give a shit about grapes anymore, then it goes.

Mm. Like, it's like a kid. It's- it is- When I run out of baby bell, they went mad. Yeah. It's- it's uh, it's like a kid, but like a kid that has problems with self-control and isn't afraid to like bite you. Oh Ludwig. Yeah That was me. Yeah, good people. Oh, baby Look at him. I'm in a raccoon phase these days. I fucking love him, bro. He was my mind. He's so cute

Oh That reminds me. I want to zipper. Can you bring up that video? I I sent this to everyone at like 3 in the morning. I think this might be- and I'm not kidding, I just wanna- cause William, maybe you'll like it as well. This is the hardest I've laughed I think in two years straight. I guarantee I'll like it. Is this the monkey? Yes, go ahead and spoil everything. Don't spoil it. I was asking if there was a monkey in it. You have to play the sound too, Zipper.

Oh, it's I did not laugh when I was originally sent this, I laugh now I laugh now since I'm enjoying it I love the caption That's how I be Type shit Oh man It's not a very popular video I know It's, I can't explain

It like makes me wanna cry How funny that is I know sleep paralysis demons aren't real so who's actually sucking them there's so much to explain

that's not being explained and I just wanted to share that I want to share my happiness do monkeys suck each other off

they do alright so it's a yes it's a yes we should have Archie like right over the fence like comp it in All right, so it's a yes. It's a yes. It's a no. We should have Archie, like, right over the fence, like, comp it in. That monkey's peering over doing that. All the time.

The whole episode. What is happening to him? I had it, like, a couple times in my life, but not, like, regularly. You, like, wake up and you couldn't move? Yeah. Yeah, it was. I generally sleep quite good. Dude, empty last night so have you ever had a dream that feels like you lived a year in the dream i've never had that happen monkeys do have oral sex and uh same sex and they jerk off

including in all non-human animals oh well that's just good form wait all non-unit i don't believe that so they're a parent jerking itself off no i think it means like it's his all non-human animals. Oh. Well, that's just good form. Wait, all non-human? I don't believe that. So there are praying antics. How does a parakeet jerk itself off? No, I think it means like... It says all non-human animals. All non-human animals? Oh, I thought it was more like mammoths. I can name so many non-human animals that aren't...

Couldn't you just say all animals? Show me a hippo that's fucking jerking itself off. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I think they can like dry hump a log. Oh, like girls in pillows? Like girls in pillows, right. Hippos in logs. The women of the

swamp. Boys in frogs. I had a dream last night that felt like I lived a year. Was it good or bad? It was terrible. In the beginning of the dream, my girlfriend dumped me. My long time girlfriend dumped me

Really sad Really sad I lived a year without her It was so and I woke up and she she wakes up earlier than me so she was in bed. I was like it's real Messenger and I was like are you here? She's like, yeah And then I was like, wow, this is a good dream I found new appreciation Except it's not that I'm a villain bro I cheat on her yeah I fuck it I'll murder her dog yeah I'm a little

I'm a little bastard dream that dream Ludwig cutting Swift's head off and then she wakes up and I'm like I'm like I'm sorry I made the guillotine and put his head in like I

have to I have to speak for his crimes it's you but you're like three feet tall I gotta keep... Mr. Hyde keeps fucking up. That's sad. What's the maddest she's ever gotten at you for it?

Definitely when I wouldn't apologize for it. Because there was a point where I put the foot down. I was like, no. Why would I apologize for something I didn't do? It wasn't me. You shouldn't... And then she was like, you should just apologize. And I was like, okay. Just in case it was actually yeah, I'm a little we don't actually know which reality is real

What if this is a sim and that's the real reality? Yes, apologize Yeah, that's that's the different me you apologize in that situation absolutely not It's a principled man. I hold my ground. If you want all the other apologies to mean something, I can't do it here. That's what I say. If I do it here, then they're all fake.

Zipper's clapping like an episode of Mori. I still think it's crazy. A baby. Do you want a second baby? no do baby one's great it's fine the first couple months

is so hard will you teach it to wield blade? yeah dude I let her pick up knives all the time that's cool I want my baby

I have a picture of her holding a crack pipe really? yeah oh dude we're the same I would do that with my kid in frame one you can buy one on Amazon I know I sent them all the way I want my baby. I have a picture of her holding a crack pipe. Really? Yeah. Oh, dude, we're the same. I would do that with my kid in frame one.

You can buy one on Amazon. I know. I sent them all the way. It's like cooking straws. I bought them because they're called oil burners. I sent them to him like, hey, open this on stream. And then he did. And then he got mad at me. Can you get in trouble?

Because it's paraphernalia, right? Yes. You don't have the cracker residue? It fucked, no. It was just new Crackpies gone We got crackpies- we got new crackpies gone Where's the crackpies?

Yeah cause fucking Overlord Ludwig Chairman Mao here says no more crackpies Why not? Crack Cause it's paraphernalia you- you fucking- It's a- it's an oil burner It's an oil burner you fucking idiot Here's the thing

It's a water pipe Fellas I'm on your side Is there crack residue on it? If I could write the rules I would say Let's have paraphernalia if it's just a little bit But the good people at twitch.tv At the time would not have given a fuck No he got mad Because he was like if I'm up for another

If I'm up for like a renewal This will hurt me Don't buy the hat And I'm like oh okay I'm not trying to get banned for a little crack pipe bit. That's not worth it to me. That's why we're different.

I'm out here. I got a McFlurry last night and the guy in the drive-thru, he walks up and he lights up right next to me at the window. Crack pipe.

Crack pipe. Guy's asking me for money and hitting the crack pipe while he asks. And he's between my car and the speaker to order the McFlurry. And he's between my car and the speaker to order the McFlurry. And you're telling me I can't watch that on Twitch.

What did it smell like? Wait. I didn't crack. What does crack smoke smell like? I don't know. I've never smoked crack. You're the one who's supposed to do crack. I don't do crack.

You're supposed to do it. Okay, I will. Supposed to? You guys are actually really similar. I'm thinking about your place and how it's actually his ideal living space. Do you sleep on the floor? No.

Does your wife sleep on the floor? That's the only reason anything isn't a total disaster. Every room in his house just serves a very specific purpose. Like a whole room for tools. A cereal room? A cereal room? I missed that.

Yeah, we didn't show you the cereal room. Only one person at a time the living room the living room only has candy in it what the candy room the kitchen is full of

like tools like wrenches and stuff how is your baby alive there's a room just full of merch we baby proof the outlets she's fine that's all you need

can an outlet kill a baby no it's good for it what do they have to do to it to kill it you'd have to put the worst thing you can do That's all you need. Can an outlet kill a baby? No, it's good for it. What do they have to do to it to kill it? You'd have to put, like, the worst thing you can do is you plug a fork in or a paper clip and it just, it'll just melt it, basically. It'll, like, throw sparks and melt it. To actually kill yourself with it, I don't think you really can. I mean, I'm not going to say that you won't, but touching one hand and the other hand to both sides of an outlet probably won't

Okay, YouTube show subtitle below that You do a YouTube show called myth, baby Yeah And you just test modern myths using your baby as the dummy I had an idea of like making a room that had all the things that babies typically hurt themselves with but then making it so that Everything gets kind of caught. There's like the dresser, but there's like a string on it. So it's like it's cable chained

to the wall. Oh, it comes down all the way into the height of a baby. Maybe it'll move like a few degrees. It's the baby pulling an Ikea dresser, which has killed thousands of babies. And then right before it crashes, there's a string that goes boing

and then it pauses in William Edgars' frame and he goes this kills thousands of babies every day there were old cartoons where this there was a trope where the baby character would have to save a baby that was just crawling aimlessly through a city through danger and all missing barely

and constantly just like missing certain doom and you're just recreating ultimately a Tex Avery cartoon with your child they want to die dude

it's insane they're like actually everything they do is it's almost their natural they scream

for the void yeah exactly give me death father I want it it's they have

no perception of fear they have no perception of fear. They have no perception of danger. She ripped her finger open the other day. It was bad. We had this Christmas bell. You know, like something that you wouldn't in a thousand years.

How would somebody hurt themselves with this? And you're like, I have no idea. It was just this ornament. It's like sheet metal punched ornament that had star cutouts, little holes and stuff. And the star cutouts were like, I don't know, the size. Oh, she put her finger in. So she put her finger so she put her finger oh no but it's not sharp i think she fell oh i think she like put her finger through the hole on this ornament that was hanging on the door and then fell but maybe you're kind of dumb because they could do that and then you can go yay and they also are happy she had no idea it's like she wasn't really even

crying or anything there was like like actually like blood You know when like blood drops on the floor. Oh my god. So scary. It was bad. I was like oh my god I gotta kill my baby, but it wasn't that bad. It was just you know we Baby's stressful. Yeah, I wait Wait let's have a baby Time to fucking fire shake. That's why I got a fish I got to finish my work. I got to fire shake drizzle.

And then when that time frees up, then I can baby. Yeah, then you have a baby and you do the podcast. Those are the only two things you do. Baby, podcast. Well, if I have a baby, I'm not doing this podcast. No, don't say that. You don't say that. Don't not say.

Well, whatever. I'm going to sleep and walk in my room. Once I have my baby, I'm not going to do the thing that most conveniently fits with being a father. That's what you're saying. I'm going to have a podcast with my baby, and I don't want you guys to take my baby's thunder. Interviewing your baby. What's up, big shitter? Imagine that podcast, I do it for 18 years straight, because the first three are going to suck.

It's a bad podcast for a while. I think the first five will suck. No, you ever talk to a three to five year old? I think it gets old. I think it gets old. They're cute. Yeah, but they don't like... Well, I think that talking to a five year old for a year until they turn six will just

be really... Five year olds are sick. They just learned about the sky being blue. Yeah, but that's like every episode. It's going to get old. They're going to fucking learn about new shit every day. I don't know why I'm genuinely workshopping this. I was hanging out with a two year old last night and he has interesting things to say.

They're interesting for an hour and a half straight. Yeah, several hours actually. You know what I love? You ever, if you ever, if you're hanging out with like a four or five year old, ask them their oldest memory. Yeah. Because usually it is five, maybe six. So they're like before the age that you as an adult would remember something and their

whole perspective shifts. Yeah. I asked this, I think he was four, I asked this i think he's four i was like what's your oldest memory and he gets really embarrassed because he's like i don't know it's like stressing him out and i was like i was like sit there and think sit down and think and i'll give you a fucking i was squeezing the baby bell and i was like do you want it to be crushed? No. Think, think, think, think, think. And then eventually he goes, he goes eating strawberry. Oh, I'm like beast. They even.

Okay. So the kid contacts the kid I was hanging out with last night. My, my girlfriend is a nanny and she's taking care of him and I'm just hanging out with them. He, he remembers shit that we did together. The three of us from like a year ago. And he's like a two and he's two and a half That's like a whole life. We took him out Udon once to dinner and he'll talk about eating food on with us the udon was delicious the Japanese

He's well-spoken And I don't know that's that's fucking crazy He's like two and a half and he has memories that he can he can latch on to already I think he's kept he I also last last night because it's me my girlfriend we're walking around like i think we're in like culver city or something and we're we're with an asian child we're with an we're with an asian two-year-old we're both white yeah right and we we like go out to dinner And there's This couple that like walks up to us

And they ask us to take a picture Of them because it's their third year anniversary And I'm like of course I'll take the photos And then snap a few and then the guy I see something change in the guy's Eyes and he's like are you Aiden and I'm like uh yeah

He's like dude I listened to their podcast and like, says this to his baby. And then he's looking at us and then I'm looking at him and I'm like fighting the urge to explain to him that I'm like,

this is not my Asian baby. Dude, you have the opportunity to erase it. You go, all right, nice to meet you. All right,

let's go zipper. Yeah? Dude, you had the opportunity to write that. You go, all right, nice to meet you. All right, let's go, zipper. Yeah. Dude, zipper's his. To your Asian baby. And I was just like, goodbye now. No explanation. Just walked other direction. Well, if you would like an Asian baby,

you can go to the Patreon episode where we will make one. And also, Open Sauce, where they're selling them correct. Yes. Yes Laser eyes are very dangerous sold separately You're gonna bone yourself. It's the Boston- Wow. No! Go on down to Open Sauce! The yard does not officially endorse Open Sauce. Number one!

That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Dad, I- No! Is there anything you'd like to promote before you're arrested? I'll talk to them whenever I just said. Yeah, they're right outside. That's crazy. No! Is there anything you'd like to promote before you're arrested? Off to the web, right? Yeah, they're right outside. It's okay, man. Boneless. Leave the kids boneless.

Holy shit. Boneless. I was thinking like boneless wings, bone in wings. Dude, that's crazy. I'm like, I'm desperately trying. What do you got? You're sending off the viewers yeah send us off

we're stumbling oh eat shit and die alright go to opensauce.com and buy a ticket come see your boys you should do opensauce.com

slash the yard for 1% off yeah I think we can do that and we'll see if we can drive people yeah and we want a piece of that

go to opensauce.com slash theyard and you get 1% off. If that doesn't work, it's because we couldn't figure out how to make that work. Okay. Awesome. That's kind of fun. Wow. All right. See you in the Primo.

Bye. Bye.