The Yard - Ep. 17 - The Yard Halloween Special

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

BOO! Haha, just kidding. It's your cool uncle here bringing you another episode of The Yard. This week the boys dress up in their spookiest attire, Slime explains why he hates compliments so much and Nick finally catches heat from the group.

🎵 Hey, what's up guys? Welcome back to the yard. Uh, ooooh! Ah! Halloween! Everyone here is a very terrifying entity. Welcome back to the yard. Ooh. Oh, it's Morgie Man. Halloween. Everyone here is a very terrifying entity. We have a rich guy who hunts the poor for sport.

Don't sell me short. See, I'm Batman. Right. But on the inside, I'm the Joker. Oh, fuck. Wow. Yeah. That's so.

Okay. So maybe think a little before you judge. This guy comes home with costumes, and he's like, I got Aiden Weed Gummy. I got Slime Priest. And I was like, what did you get? He's like, I'm Batman. And I was like, of course you'd make yourself Batman.

He's like, no, no, you'll see. And it's just a cooler Batman costume. Well, what do you, oh, yeah, a Batman universe. I have a one-armed Gumby. I'm also the Joker. Right, yeah. You want to know how I got these scars? Yeah, so much for the tolerant left

is what you say on the back of that one. Give me back my wife. My wife! Where's my wife? My wife. Aiden, so wait, you picked these up or Ludwig did? I picked these up. Okay, that's great, yeah.

I thought Ludwig had picked them up, but Aiden's costume is actually so fucking funny. Dude, I'm walking down the halls of the costume store, and they're all out of the Among Us guy. Space mystery man. You were gonna make me the Among Us guy? Yes. That's a hot

costume. Well, sorry, I shouldn't say Among Us. I was gonna make you Suspicious Spaceman, as it was labeled. And instead, I keep walking, and I find there is an edible gummy costume, which you're not wearing the full thing. I'll have you know. Did you bring up the other part of it? Oh, the mask? Yeah.

The creepy mask? The mask makes you a gummy bear. The mask makes me look like the bad guy in Creep. Yeah, or as Ludwig said earlier, it's like the clown mask from The Dark Knight when they robbed the bank. Yeah. Very similar.

We could, like, reenact the whole scene together. You know what I love about this? Is that the audio listeners are seething right now. Oh, yeah. Because they always tell us, you guys never describe what you're wearing or what you're doing, and then it's like on audio we don't know.

Go fuck yourself. Well, yeah. That's what I say. We kind of did it. You know, Slime's a priest. He's a bald priest for Halloween. I'm a bald man of God. Speaking of visual gags.

The one in 20 man I saw on the street in Rome. What does one in 20 mean? Like I saw a lot of priests around while we were in Rome. Oh, yeah? It was that many? A lot of priests, a lot of nuns. Oh, yeah, there was a lot. They were Roman.

Really? Yeah. Like roaming around. Nice. That was nice. That was sick, Ludwig. Thanks, guys. That was sick!

That was a great joke! Yeah! This is what happens when we record before I go live, right? Oh, yeah, we hit the A material like we were talking about. That's very funny. I also, I was traveling around today. I went to Disneyland for the second time in a weekend,

which is a lot, but... It's actually disgusting. It's not disgusting. It is a lot, though. No, it's, yeah, it's fine. I have no purpose. It's all good, bro. He has no peripheral vision.

Aiding can do anything. I couldn't do it. You don't even know what reaction I get. I'm like a horse. What are you, Ludwig? You haven't said what you are yet. I'm Gumby, but I only have one arm. Why do you have one arm?

Because I ripped this off to make a headband to do a Ludwig Von Koopa cosplay. Did you? Yeah. So much of Ludwig's life is just piecemealing together things. Like, I asked him, like, do you have a costume? He's like, oh, we have the baby one from the postcards oh wait no i gave it away as a prize for an other like a different streamer thing we did what yeah everything that he does is just like reaching for the nearest object and using it for a purpose yeah it's just there's like a circle radius of like shit it's like

you're tommy pickles in the playpen and you're just like, uh, uh, yeah, here you go. Just make it happen. This is what we're doing today. Yeah. Okay, well, I was, anyway, while I was driving around, I was getting food near Anaheim, and I found an H Mart. Okay. And I got you guys this to eat with your coffee.

Oh, what is it? Cuck, cuck, cuckdassy. Is it like a racist thing? Cuckdaddy. No, it's just Cockdaass Wait Nice Yeah

That's very nice Premium biscuit Can we have one now? Yeah you can have some Cockdaass right now Let me have some of that It's great with your Vienna coffee

Put that in my mouth I'll get you one Cockdaass Wait I have a We have coffee Right now I'm very convenient Are you ready?

There you go Gummy man How'd it hit me? Try again This is like Ah We have coffee right now. It's very convenient. Are you ready? There you go. Gummy man. How did it hit me? Try again. This is like... Hey, that's great radio. Anyway, we're eating cock to ass. Basically, it's this fucking...

It's this like cookie coffee dessert, and it's like chocolate wrapped around a little biscuit. It looks delicious. Oh, fuck. You got these where? H Mart. Oh, that's pretty cool. I love H Marts.

I went there, by the way, for peanut butter. No shot I found any peanut butter. Yeah, you'd be hard-pressed to find it there. You went to H Mart for peanut butter? You can get fish cake, and fish cake is the same. I went there for peanut butter, yeah. And they don't have a lot of that. I won't lie to you.

Fish cake is the same as that. That's not the same thing. You said it, and I ignored it. In Korea, they make peanut butter no, they make fish cake and jelly sandwiches. Is your goal just to get a country to hate us every episode? No. I don't think we have a lot of South Korean viewers.

By the way. And maybe we do. We don't. Maybe. Bet. It tastes like if you filled a tech deck with chocolate. That sounds all right. You know, it's meant to have with coffee.

My friend James in Summersbury was so fucking sick at tech decks. Really? He could, like, definitely make it kind of skate around on the desk. Want me to tell you a nuts story? The guy who made the beat for Uber Everywhere, K Swisha, childhood friend of mine. His main hobby growing up was filming tech deckers. Okay.

He would go to tournaments just to film them and then make like sick compilations. Does he still use a fisheye lens? He used the fattest fisheye lens on all this footage. Did he record on like a very, very tiny camera? I think it was a normal. I don't think he had like a tech deck sized camera. Like he followed around on a tech deck board and had the camera mounted.

Dude, okay, I got a sick idea for a video. Are you ready? Because we won't do it, so someone can take it. So it's like a tech deck video, and it's like one of those like up close to the fingers, and the fingers are like wearing pants. It's like it's all done up, and he like doing tech tech stuff and then after that he like goes home but the camera just keeps following him and his whole family's dead and then he goes to their finger funeral yeah this is good and it just keeps going i like this a lot yeah and then and then he

and then he ends his life yeah he kills himself he blows his little finger brains out with a little finger how does he hold the gun with his fingers with his other finger brains out. With a little finger gun. How does he hold the gun? With his fingers. With his other finger. What are you talking about? It's kind of like, man, it kind of just hovers around him. I'm trying to visualize this by holding up my hand and my own fingers, and then the first thing I thought of was phase up.

If you make this video and you submit it, you get into Pixar. Yeah. Well, no, you get into, like, A24 Pixar. More of a joke right there. How did I get them scarred? Speaking of FaZe. We'd like to know how I got these scarred. We're back, baby.

It's news time. Oh, news time! Yes! I thought we were going to do the song. Yeah, I thought we were going to do the song. He just got really loud. We can't just do the same thing. You yell every week. That's what you song. Yeah, I thought we were going to do the song. He just got really loud. We can't just do the same thing. You yell every week.

That's what you do. No, I don't. Oh, yeah. That was different. What you did, totally a new thing that we do now. Screaming is timeless, I would argue. Boom. Thank you.

You guys are the same. I've always said that about you, too. You guys are the same. News is... Get in there with that gummy. Barty, not timeless. I'll get in there with that gummy. Don't touch my gummies.

I'll get inside it with you. The pack is sealed. You know like those double sewn. Stop touching my gummies. Those double sewn sleeping bags. It's like if you cuddle up. I want one of those, but it's a gummy costume and me and Aimee get in there. Oh, you guys get in there?

I could probably fit you in this. I could get in there, bro. I could probably wrap it around you. Save it for the bonus. Oh, put it in the bony episode. Boner episode. By the way, really quick before we get into it. On the topic of the bonus episode. Shut up, the bonus. Ooh, put it in the bony episode. By the way, really quick, before we get into it, on the topic of the bonus episode.

Shut up, Gumby, you pussy Gumby. Idiot, when I bought this cool-ass costume for Batman, these pockets are real, I discovered. And you know what I got in here? Your pager? You know what I got in here, Akimbo? What? Yard stickers.

Oh! Hey, let's put them on the, let's do what Ludwig does. I'm going to put it on the mic right here. So right now, we don't really have a plan for how we're going to sell or do anything with these. But what I will say is if you are a part of the Patreon, tier three and up gets a... This is the weakest plug ever. Come on. Hey, guys, if you pay $25 a month, you get a sticker.

And it also comes with a Tootsie Roll. You ship one directly to your house. For as much as work you do for the podcast, this is the most terrible post ever. You realize the money goes to you, right? You realize that? The end result of this thing that I'm doing is money in your pocket. You will never have abs like that. What the fuck is this?

Ever. This is going to be the thing with Mike. You tell me I can't do it, I'm just going to go do it. And if I do it, you'll take credit for it. There's no winning. There's no winning. Yeah, but at least you would get abs. Can I have a sticker?

And then you win. Can Aiden have a sticker? No, you can't have a sticker. No, you can't. Well, no, he wasn't being, I was being mean. He wasn't being mean. You can have a sticker. He's giving you flack, but this-

You gotta tell Anthony he's wrong, though. A sticker for $25? Do what he says. I wanna cut you off. The only reason he gave you that sticker is because he didn't know how to open it. Well, as I was saying, video viewers will have seen Nick fail to open that sticker for three minutes. You struggle.

You bite your nails, bro? Yes. Batman doesn't bite his nails, nor does the Joker. Because that's not how he got that scar. The Joker bites his nails. No. Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, he does.

He lets them get filthy and weird. Because he's nervous. He's got nice nails. And he's always thinking about cute girls, and that makes him nervous. It's the new meme where it's like you're texting a girl, and she's texting you back with the Joker. And he's like, there's a dead guy behind him. And he's like, I just blew up a hospital. And she's like smiling.

What? You look like you ate the sticker. Oh, you can't get it. I didn't. Oh, you can't get it. I wasn't giving you shit. I'm the only person who didn't give you shit for not being able to open it. Fuck you, A sticker. Oh, you can't get it. I didn't... Oh, you can't get it. I wasn't giving you shit. I'm the only person who didn't give you shit for not being able to open it. Fuck you, Aiden.

Fuck you and your gummy goblins. You are the enemy often of everyone. You're unloading about this, by the way. This for $25? That's like the seventh tier on the Try Guys Patreon. Dude. You know what's funny? We did study Patreon.

Open up this motherfucking pit. Just to be clear by the way we're not making stickers a tier three perk yeah we're just gonna slip them into postcards which is already a perk right you motherfuckers it's just it was yeah we we studied patreons because we're like uh and we looked at the try guys and like 70 tiers and they're like you only would do it ever once and like get bored of it and it's like you know and then there's like the wife cast where they like all like fuck their wives it's like it's like we we don't want to do that right so we just we borrowed a lot but we also avoided a lot out of different structures of monetization and i think honestly no like realistically we studied a bunch of patreons

and then decided this all fucking sucks yeah they all suck let's just do something else it's crazy how every podcast patreon it offers next to nothing yeah it's the only one the only one that is acceptable that i saw was cumtown because they're so shameless about it yeah also drill drill has a third tier just called like deep web rising it's just it's nothing but anyway sorry ludwig ludwig hasn't been engaged because he's locked and loaded we he loaded his gun right his mental gun of a topic and then we diverted all around it yeah he hasn't said shit about 15 well i wanted to i didn't want to forget it yeah i didn't want to get lost so he was focusing really hard i was thinking too i was

like oh i could add some things about kickstarters and their goals being similar. But I was like, nope. I'm going to hold on. One more thing I want to squeeze in before we get to your thing. This is wild. I got another thing. No, no, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. There's a FaZe Clan launched an IPO. No way.

That was my move. That's crazy. Fucking go. Get out. Oh, it's the yard. It's really the yard. Dude, oh, you're, his ass looks so good. Oh, this is going to be bad. This is going to be bad. This is going to be bad. It's really the yard. His ass looks so good. This is going to be bad.

This is going to be bad. This is going to be bad. It's okay. It almost... Look, that was a little... I know you guys didn't go for the power bomb because someone would have got their back broken. But I had his neck.

I could have. Did you see his ass in the gummy costume when he got up? No. It looked good. That was crazy. It looked good. In the gumby? Or the gummy? The gumby. good. That was crazy, bro. It looked good? In the gumby? Or the gummy?

The gumby. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. It's not you. Audio listeners, eat shit. Okay. So, yeah. FaZe Clan, they went public today.

Bro. Bro. Which is fucking crazy that they- Bro, I was thinking we go public, trade our shit. Our stocks go way the fuck up, bro. It's like NFTs, but it happened before that. Yo, so you guys could phase the fuck up on Robinhood now.

Yo, pass that shit. You believe this shit was before the fucking monkeys, dude? They had this shit first. Tell me their ticker is just phased. I saw this movie. And it's not? No. So, okay, this is the secret announcement. I think they're doing a combined IPO

So I think it's a merger with some like by the books nerdy ass sounding company and they're sounding Well, yeah, I don't know. I don't know banks was into that Zipper can you pull up the company this the don't pull it. Zipper, can you pull up the company? Don't pull up sounding. Yeah, can you pull up sounding for us? No, no, no. Actually, you know what? While we wait, if you're at home and you don't know what sounding is,

pull out your phone, get on your computer, and just figure out what it is. If you're 18 plus, I mean, sure. While you're there, look up Goatsy, okay? Oh, come on. Goatsy, yeah, well. Hey, there's a whole world down there. But yeah, their ticker is, it's like BSGR or something. It's named after the company they're merging with,

which I think is like bigger news in a way. Bugs, spiders, ghouls. Merging for the Batman. And rats. And rats. Just all the spooky, creepy crawlers. E. Riley Principal 150 Merger Corp. Damn. That sounds like the least phased thing ever, actually.

They were just flipping through a thesaurus. Flipping their finger down on random pages. We need business words. Yeah. This is, I think, the second esports team I know of that's gone public because Luminosity went public. Really? Oh, you're right.

Dude. And they are the richest org, and it's not close. Really? They got so much money. Wait, Luminosity? Yeah. Well, it's because they're owned by a parent company, right? Huh.

I mean, that's what happens. You got to get bought by a big dog, and then you become a slightly- Then the big dog goes public. Yeah. Going public seems hype. Which is sort of cheating. It is. Yeah.

You're just attaching yourself to a larger quail. You immediately get so much money. Dude, is that why? Oh, man. Can we do an IPO? Can we go public? Yeah. How do we go public?

We are not even a company. That's why we can't go public. I could go public. If we ever decide to fully sell our souls, we could do the yard NFTs, and there'd be gnomes. Oh, I guess so. We do a little lawn. Oh, 10,000 gnomfts and there'd be gnomes oh i guess we do a little oh 10 000 gnomes we do little uh lawn gnomes yeah i think the thing is i think our two with i would like to think our viewer base would think that's so cringe that they wouldn't make them like they wouldn't buy them i i'm holding on to that dream maybe i haven't looked at my shit uh

which is being bid on right now but i think it it's only like $30, which is great. You would like to think that, but I think they just wouldn't buy them because they're broke. Aiden, every day when I wake up goes, hey, man, you should just tweet out an NFT and let me buy it. One. One. I've said that two times. You're two. Joking. It's unregulated.

Don't worry. That's like insider trading. No, it's not. Yes, it is. It literally is. It's unregulated. Don't worry. It's fucking, that's like insider trading. He's like, no, it's not. Yes, it is. It literally is. It's like it. Because if they make it illegal later, they can come get you for it. Really?

Yes. Yeah, because I would be giving him information and I have a public platform. So just me buying and tweeting out an entity raises the price of it. Well, thank God no one's doing that. Not a single person has done that. Nobody's phasing that hard that would be troublesome unrelated do we have a vpn sponsorship this week imagine uh yeah so it's crazy i do wonder like so many people on phase are like they got sick rich uh from just

being on a team right and then they got sick rich from like crypto and then nfts and now they're sick rich from like real kind of i guess established money and it's like damn that's crazy anyone anyone follow your dream and you can become it and that's all right yeah i think that's the american dream they're so profoundly wealthy also train i was with someone i won't say who but they they wanted to gamble with a100,000 in Bitcoin. And they just said, okay, I'm going to hit someone up. I asked who because I'm curious. They just hit up Trainwreck.

Just to lend them? Just to lend them because Train just has like millions in crypto. You know what's crazy is you said $100,000 in Bitcoin and that's like 1.3 Bitcoin. That's one Bitcoin. Well, it's like a little over. It's like one and a half. Yeah, but that's just a.3 Bitcoin. That's one Bitcoin. Yeah, well, it's like a little over. It's like one and a half. Yeah, but that's just a unit, sure. He's basically, this guy's, look, this guy's got crypto rot.

Yeah, he's got brain rot, crypto rot, dumb rot, Canadian rot. Speaking of dumb rot, why the fuck did you go to Iowa? Tell us about your trip to America's heartland. Of course. I went to learn something about myself. What? That's crazy. And what did you learn?

I was really fucking boring. Yeah, okay. There's not a lot going on. Why did you go? I went because maybe some people know in the Discord, my friend Sam, as many, we called Dr. Noodle Slam on occasion because of the CSGO binds,

which we talked about on a different episode. He goes to medical school there. Oh, that's right, University of Iowa. Yeah, and I haven't visited him before. Do they all only practice on horses and stuff? Yeah, it's all farm animals. It's kind of a vet program, but then they just kind of stamp the...

Yeah, well, it's like a horse's stomach is the same. You know what they say. It's pretty similar. If you can dodge a horse, you can build a car. If you can dodge a horse, you can operate on a man's brain. He got in a Zoom lecture on the way to the airport this morning. Like, he had to listen to a lecture, and the second sentence she said was that, so...

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's great. It's also, that particular university is like the creative writing master's program, like Mecca. It's really weird. It's like, it's also that particular university is like the creative writing masters program like Mecca it's really weird it's like

it's in the middle of nowhere and it just happens to be like it's where everyone's writing about like please get me out of this god forsaken land maybe that's why right you're just

you become so terrorized and depressed in your own mind that you become so little happens outside that you have to be so creative inside yeah

and I respect that. Yeah, it's kind of hype. You're forged. Forged in the isolated fire. I called you when you were there, and it was like a loud arena. I'm like, where are you at? And he's like, oh, I'm at a minor league hockey game. The team just opened up.

Yeah. Yeah, I went to the Heartlanders' first game ever, which is an ECHL hockey team, which is not the level below the NHL. It is the level below that. Okay, so they're like eight-year-olds? Yeah, like give or take. And we were there for the opening game.

Just watching a bunch of toothless eight-year-olds beat the shit out of each other. It was really fucking packed, surprisingly. The whole town rolled out. So it was about 500 people. All of Iowa showed up. Yeah. It's that and the caucus.

I got recognized at the hockey game. A yard fan came up at the hockey game. That's so weird. He came up and he said, Oh, shucks, Eamon. What brings you down here? And he started ringing the dinner bell. And you're like, I can't do it.

At halftime, everyone went on the ice and did the Cotton Eye Joe. You went, bing! I'm glad I was there because nobody can ever accuse me of being a bandwagon fan. I'm literally day one. Yeah, that was a concern of yours. That's your IPO. That I got no money from. A little too much.

Oh, mask off. It's getting toasty in your gumby's head. Dude, this Batman mask has, like, a piece of, like, foam right here so that it stays off your face. But it's doing, like, you know, like, the water torture thing where they, like, drip water on your face? Oh, yeah. It's, like, on that spot, and I feel like I'm going to turn into the Joker. Yeah. I feel terrible.

You have to feel the turmoil that Batman feels. Just swap the mask, man. No, because that's like... My wife. It does have an echo through it. I did want to show you guys the last part of my costume because it's also related to Iowa. So the one, probably the coolest thing we did

in Iowa was Saturday morning we went to this place called the Makokawa Caves, which is like this crazy system of caves in like a Iowa was Saturday morning. We went to this place called the Makokawa caves, which is like this crazy system of caves in like a, a state park that was like an hour and a half drive away. It was actually very cool. Very beautiful. We went really early in the morning.

You can go through, you can do like, like real spelunking there. You look like you're on like a street corner holding up a sign to get to a dispensary. I can't go over it. And, and I, I mean like, that's what I feel like it all comes together. I really do look like you're on a street corner holding up a sign to get to a dispensary. I can't go over it. And I mean, that's what, I feel like it all comes together. I really do look like Seth Rogen.

You look like you're really bad at spinning the arrow. Yeah, my mom told me I had to get this job. So you went to the catacombs of Iowa where they hide the bones of children. Yeah. And you got a hat. We didn't find any children. And all I got was this lousy hat you're not supposed to spine the bone on the way back we saw a sign for our yard sale in like the

middle of nowhere and uh it's this this older couple like owns the home they're moving and unfortunately this uh older woman's husband has has passed away okay tells us and she's moving and selling a lot of the stuff he passed away away nine years ago. And they have a shit ton of hats in the garage. Oh, so it was in a state sale or was it a yard sale? It was a yard sale. Okay.

It was a yard sale. And there was a ton of hats, but I found this old red Hooters hat. Wait, it's a Hooters hat? Yeah, a Hooters hat that is signed by a bunch of Hooters girls for his birthday.

Dude. And I was like, damn, this is kind of... Dude, that is fucking... This is kind of tight.ers girls for his birthday. Dude. And I was like, damn, this is kind of tight. That is a fucking NFT. So, like, best wishes from Vicky. Wait, this is KentXOOX, and then the O's have a dot in the middle for boobies. Oh, yeah, nice.

That's crass. Are they all dead? I don't like that. This is Kent's hat. Presumably the Hooters girls are not dead, but this man is. They could be, right? Just from being human. If this was a Hooters when he was a young strapping lad, they could all be dead like him.

It's true. What if every single person on that hat has died? Someone find out. When was that logo last used? That's not their logo anymore. This is dark. No, it's not. I don't think Hooters is an old enough brand.

What if you embody the spirit of all those poor slain Hooters women when you put on the hat? Don't say they're slain. They didn't die. They were murdered. They were slain. It was the Hooters murder of 94. And then you put on the hat, and you just want to serve me wings.

Happy Hooter from Liza. Liza. Liza. Liza? That sounds more correct. It's like Final Destination, but for Hooters women. Dude, that hack is so hard. Holy shit.

I picked this up. How much did you get it for? This was $3. That's crazy. That's high. Steal. A haunted item for $3. And there's probably only one of them.

Yeah. Signed like this, definitely probably only one of them. Yeah, this is signed like this. Definitely the only one. And I also got an old Nike crew neck for $3. Nice. Dude, Eamon is funny. So the Balenciaga saga of Eamon wearing that kind of clothes. Balenciaga, if you will. It kind of comes from a real life version of that

where we used to clown on Aiden for having a Balenciaga t-shirt. It's just a black t-shirt. It says the logo, and it was $400. And he... Right? Well, okay. It was $200.

Oh, I thought it was $400. So it was a $200 t-shirt, and we always made fun of him. He's like, that's crazy that you have that. And he's like, yeah, I know. It's stupid. And now he's, like,

legit wearing Balenciaga, and he's, yeah i know it's stupid and now he's like legit wearing balenciaga and he's like become the ironic thing actually so he comes home from like he literally got home like an hour ago sometimes he's got this white balenciaga t-shirt and on the back of it is like this like red streak mark and i'm like you got red on the back of your sleeve and he looks at it he's like oh and he's just bummed for like 20 minutes he's like trying to get it out he's like opening up the washer he's like pressing buttons like a fucking control panel and it's like oh that's why good i heard him in the washroom and he's just pressing it was like singing because our washer does like notes it wasn't fucking working and he's like losing his mind he's like come on oh my god and i'm like good good i'm glad this is happening to you because it's too much for a T-shirt.

Hey, and I want to continue on the A-man dunk train for a moment. What glasses are you wearing? Right now? Just like Amazon blue glasses. Yeah, you have those. These are literally $7. So you guys heard this week about the whole Valkyrae scandal, I assume? Are we allowed to talk about that?

That's your boy, dude. Did she put you on the fucking dude did she put you on the fucking on the did she put you on the cut list no we're chill you're chill i hit her up i hit her up and i was like uh like what's up bro and then she like told me all about it some shit i can't say some shit i can't she's like i'm just gonna go with it man i'm the scammer now and i was like i've been here welcome first she's like lucky they didn't find out about the lead yeah i'm known for scamming. Okay.

Well. Yeah, but no. It's like, it's like, it's a mogul move. You know, it's like, it's part of your thing. Yeah. You have, you have an ironic sheen that protects you from things. And also you've never like actually scammed. Right.

I would know. Hey, sure. Sure. Whatever you say, boss. But yeah. Oh man. She could. It's funny when like ms kiff has to tell you to put the phone down yeah that was funny that's like oh that's you're in a bad spot

everyone from this was basically saying like you know this is dumb just use flux and whatever so i did some of my own research and i discovered blue light glasses are fake news. Yeah. They don't work. Wait, really? What do you mean they don't work? They do not have any effect or any real effect on reducing eye strain or anything like that. I thought the idea was that it makes your eyes naturally feel like the sun is down

so you won't feel alert. Right? That's what it's about. That's what force does. It's not about eye strain. It's about flux does. The idea was like, okay. It's not about eye strain. It's about your just hitting rhythm. I could be wrong.

But what I understand is the same as Anthony is that apparently like you have like a physiological response to sunlight. And when like when sunlight hits your eyes, your body is trained to wake up because it's like the morning time. Yeah. And that blue light mimics that. Flux adjusts that. But blue light glasses I, do not do it. I think they're fake news because they're not the same degree as like, you know how yellow flux is at nighttime hours?

It's so yellow. Blue light glasses do not do that. And there was a lawsuit and a company had to pay us in the UK that some settlement that was basically like, yeah, we're fake news. The UK company. The UK blue light company had to pay some settlement. Beans and also soccer. So I don't think they work.

I don't think they have any real effect to the same degree that a flux would. Yeah, I don't know. It's a placebo this whole time? Uh-huh. And you know what?

Oh, damn. Like that Amazon. And to the audio listeners, Aiden swallowed them whole. That's right. It was crazy. It was like Tom from Tom and Jerry eating a

whole fish. Yeah, I watched it go down sideways in his gullet. The big white glasses. That's disappointing. So yeah, that's fake news.

Valkyrae's scam lotion is a fake news. Valkyrae's scam lotion is a fake news. You know, we got to get on that too. I'm trying to beat off with it and never get blue balls again

You know what I'm saying Dude We need to dunk on Nick Hey I'll give it to you I'll never miss a high five We need to dunk on Nick here's a compliment Hey I'll never miss a high five to my road dog Alright put it on the chart However we do need to dunk on him

Why? Because people are like viewing him too high Nowadays. It is kind of fucking annoying. Nick's talk is at an all-time high. They don't know how Nick used to, his stories used to be like, like Gregor's laid down on the floor, the absolute mad lad. They don't know about that. Anthony said that once to me, and I never understood what he meant because I didn't have an example given.

And that's a problem too. And I don't feel like my stories have changed because the only thing I've done differently is live with you guys that's not true all i'm saying is you guys came in at a very a special time where he's riding high okay and that you know you think he's the superman of the show hey i'll hash some shit out right here i'll talk some i'll talk some shit you know you you know what nick's terrible at let's's hear it Dude, the fucking keys Oh yeah Nick, I'm gonna kill myself If I go downstairs

Your car's blocking me in And you don't have your keys on the key rack How's that feel? That he just woad on me? Yeah, cause you do that all the time How's that feel? It feels bad Yeah, right

It does feel bad Doesn't it? Did it feel like you're not being considered? Off the other morning Where I knew Nick wasn't awake, and we had to move his car because me and Cutie both had to go somewhere, and we couldn't squeeze out. So I run to his room.

I kind of knock to see if he's up, and I go over. I tiptoe in. I grab his little manlet bag, and I crack it open. I see if he moves. The word you used. And then I pull open his keys. You scoot past all the tampons. As if I would wake up

and shoot you in the head with a gun. Put it all back. He doesn't know a thing. Wow. Well, I woke up and went, I woke up and went, oh, someone grab my keys. Imagine if I was an actual intruder.

Don't even fucking start, dude. How many times have I said, dude, oh my god. Yeah, because if an intruder came in, Aiden would be like, I'm alert. There's someone behind me making noise. Hello, who are you? Yeah, dude. No, you fucking idiot. You would literally get shot in the side of the head immediately.

You would take off headphones like a Russian doll, and there'd be more. And there'd be like eight pairs. And you'd turn around and be like, what? Yeah, and you'd get so piss gun. You'd be mad at him. You'd be so pissy. Dude, what do you want? But only because you think it was like me and you'd be like, oh, oh. I'm just saying.

But, you know, I do like the idea of being stealthy, stealing from each other. I think that's good. Yeah. I think if we are able to sneak into your room and steal something, we get to keep it. That's true. I like that. I like that rule. I think that's a rule. I think that's a good to sneak into your room and steal something, we get to keep it. That's true. Ooh, I like that. I like that rule. I think that's a rule.

I think that's a good rule. That's good. Okay, so does this apply to everyone else? No. Okay, 100%. This rule also has a second part, 1B. If your keys aren't on the thing, we're allowed to key your car. No, no.

It's like Sky Williams' old rule. What is that? Holy shit. If the keys are on the hook, you're allowed to go and steal one item from their room. Wow. This was a real thing. Wait, that's a thing? No, Sky Williams, there was that whole message log.

That's almost one-to-one what I said. No, there was a message log that leaked, and it was like the conditions of living in his house. And it was like, hey, what's up? I see that we're late on rent. Or no, it wasn't even that. It was either late on rent or there's people over that he didn't approve. I see. But it's like if this happens again, I'm going to go into your room and break something of equal value.

Yeah. I think it was rent. It was crazy. And I was like, damn, that's crazy to be like that. But we can do that. We can do that. We can be like that. If your car keys aren't available, we're going to break something in your room.

Yeah. Like office space, like really dramatically with baseball bats in front of you and then walk out. What would H-Rock say? What would H-Rock say? Ah, shmearing. What would he say? Bit of a shmearing.

Like a shmearing? Like a shmearing. Like a... Like a... Like a keyring. Like a shmearing. You get it. Yeah, you guys,

I don't think... No, no, he's being H-Rock by not being funny. Yeah. Wow. Come on. I mean, I have to say yes so that not being funny. Yeah. Wow. Come on. I have to say yes so that I win somehow. You need to stay good.

We're the same. We're the same on the same team. He also listens sometimes. Do you think H-Rock is becoming a shell of a man? No. You just think every content creator is already that. Oh, I'm sorry. Does William Osmond not agree with me?

I don't think he thinks. Who is that? What? Wow. Damn. You just, who, Megalod? We're allowed to. He's a bigger YouTuber than Ludwig.

He's like a 2.5 million sub YouTuber. He's going to be on one of the videos for Mogul Money that's airing tomorrow. That's right. Yeah. He came out with a video that was like, he's basically saying how being a content creator sucks because of like the toll it takes from people being shitty to you. Yeah yeah and then he actually interviewed a bunch of people and had them kind of like weigh in ludwig included which is funny because i know you were like just bussing you were goosing to like make a joke out of it i love that you've taken on goosing but you were actually pretty

sincere which i thought was interesting it was like a minute he just sat me down he had me hold the love and he was like my mean comments and then i just answered and then like he kind of cued me he was like bigger number better person and i was like yeah bigger number i i but there was just this breakdown in this idea of like 99 of the comments can be nice but the one percent of mean ones like fuck with me and that's what he was saying and i think that's really relatable and that's understandable and it got me thinking because i want to bring this up last week too is like people will message me right and it's annoying i i don't like it but i like keeping my dms open because sometimes people ask me genuine questions or or i'll have genuine like interactions with people which i really value psychologists call this the aiden effect yeah exactly um but so

there's this idea of like but people message me just like useless things because i don't i don't need praise when i make something or do something i know what i feel about it right and so it's like i don't need a barometer of something like hey slime you're great like i don't need it and maybe some people are fine with it and they like take that in like all right but i just it's annoying to me because it's whatever and so it's i call it the good vibe gang because they just want to send you good vibes bro and william osmond gets the good vibes and it doesn't matter because the ones that fucking that fuck with him are the bad vibes and i think that's that makes a lot of sense is all i'm saying i

when he when i saw that video i was just like oh i get this i like this i like this way of describing it the good vibe gang and it's like i I don't need, because I tweeted out earlier, it's like, I'm 31. If my day is made better by a random person saying that I'm cool, then I'm in a bad spot, right? That being a thing that makes my day better is a dangerous place to be. Now, hear this argument, because I disagree with you. I know you do, because you love being complimenteded and it's something I've always thought about. Not what I'm saying at all. I think you do. You think that but you're wrong and you're talking to me.

So the thing I was going to say is You're good at shutting people down. I am? Oh, thanks. Wait, you shut me down? Yeah, and he liked the compliment. With a question mark! Anyway.

Because there's certain things that people will compliment that you have done that you do with a question mark anyway huge that's a wrap because there's certain things that people will compliment that you have done that you do like it just has to be a compliment

that you respect that's not necessarily true like Mario Party League you took that to heart yeah but that was I guess okay there's a difference here

because it's like there's online and there's IRL and online is like it's just this drive-by thing where it's like hey I'm DMing blah blah blah

online stuff has always meant a lot sorry IRL stuff has always meant a lot more to me. And that, I think, is a complete difference and a complete separate category. And I guess I'm primarily talking about online compliments because I'm just like, again, I know what I feel about something, if it's good or bad. The difference to you is what? Convenience? The difference to me is that I don't believe that someone is trying to say this to make me feel good. They're trying to do this so that they feel good. But it's packaged in a way that's like, oh, I'm going to make this person's day better.

It's actually you just like trying to spread joy for yourself, I guess, is the way of thinking about it. I think that there are definitely people who are sending you compliments in hopes that it makes you feel happy so that you will respond which is what they want out of the exchange and it feels gross that part of it is usually gross but i don't think that's everyone no but it's enough to where it's like i don't care right because like yeah but either way um it doesn't it doesn't matter right those compliments to me i'm just like this is such a waste because that's what the fucking heart button is for and that's what the the view button is for and all these stats like that's what tells you if you're doing good yeah i i think i agree with you although i think you do you think that the amount of the comments has something to do with it as well like do you think there's a difference between like getting one say you got one nice message like that a month versus one message like that like every day or 10 messages

like that every day because i think that's why it matters to me less now like i don't i don't view the nice or the positive comments in the same way i did like a year ago because there's just so many of them and then the feeling No, I get that. No, no, I'm with you. Oh, sorry. Is it not a project we're all collectively a part of? They're also about you. Hey, hey. I get more than all of you combined. I'm chilling, man. I like them.

Keep complimenting me, guys. It's like listening to the same song you liked over and over and over or like doing the same drug every day. It's just not going to hit the same anymore. liked over and over and over or like doing like doing the same drug every day like it's just not gonna hit the same anymore there's a scale problem yeah i think that's the biggest thing for me is like i i don't think it really like clicks or hits at all anymore because there's it's just like part of the overall wave of like the same compliment happening whereas like

the the negative things happen way less frequently and are also usually a bit more like personally phrased. So they're a lot more fresh in their presentation. And I think that's why they stick. They literally stick out. Right. And so it's like it's unfortunate because it's this this Ouroboros of like, oh, I'm going to respond to the one fucking mean comment because it's like worth responding to in a way because a platitude and a compliment is just like okay thanks right yeah and it's kind of this weird thing where it's like actually being is rewarding yeah if someone if someone calls you like calls you out on something and calls you

in a very like specific manner you got that one actually that sticks with you both of those but if 50 people left that exact same comment, you wouldn't respond to all 50 of them. There's also an idea if 50 people are calling you a fucking wet dickhead, then you probably did something wrong, right? They probably have a point. That's why I like receiving positive feedback

if it's specific. If someone sends me love what you keep it up, I don't feel any negative emotions about that. I'm, I'm a little bit neutral depending on, you know, if it's, if it's someone like, like Ashkahn, for example, like someone who like, I don't see very often, but I consider a friend that'll make me feel good. Yeah.

If it's a random person, then it's like, and it's like in a pool of like other people who have also said that. Like what if Obama said, love the pod? Oh, that's huge. Right. Because you know, I'd suck that guy. But he's just famous. No.

No, no. He's more than that. There's another thing where it's like- To slime? If someone's in the game where it's like, if you get a compliment from someone who is like in the game, like makes stuff or is like someone you watch or whatever, that's different too. And Obama's in the game.

Does Obama have a pod? Yeah. He does have a pod. He gets as much blister as Rainn Wilson's. Dude, don And Obama's in the game. Does Obama have a pod? Yeah. He does have a pod. He gets as much blister as Rainn Wilson's. Dude, don't do Rainn like that. We could get Rainn on here. We could get Rainn on here. Yeah, that'd be great for us.

We've played chess together before. Oh, don't do Rainn like that. You know what? We could put his mic in Jell-O, like the show, the office that he's on. Oh, dude. And then I'd look at the camera like... Like Jim. Jam. Why would they do that? Remind me of, dude. And then I'd look at the camera like... Like Jim. Jam.

Why would they do that? Remind me the bit. Why would they do that? What was it? Gin? No, it was gin. Gin. Gin from the office.

Gin from the office. What was this from? I don't know. It's just like the thing where we replace consonants in general. We had like a month where all we would say is, oh, it's like gin one thing i going to iowa we on the second on the second night out we went to we went to two bars because that's all you can do in iowa is go to bars and the second one was called joe's place

and i literally just called it jones the whole night killed just stick ends you were just like everyone was yeah every time this guy whipped out what's in the water in la this has happened before laden went like i think it was like a year ago he hung out with his other friends and he was like dude i'm just like i'm killing i'm just so funny to these people I'm like yeah we leveled you up bro it's really funny it's really funny because it's just like it's just really dumb were you funny throwing up I mean

damn bro I think I'm about somewhat as funny as I've always been you know what made you that way we talked about that in a premium app yeah somewhat as funny as I've always been. You know? What made you that way? We talked about that in a premium ep.

Yeah. You didn't watch The Simpsons, so how did you get there? I think the general way I got there is I think I've always... Watch the soup. What did you just say? Watch the soup? Yeah. With fucking Joel McHale. With Joel McHale. I'm trying to think what Aiden's family would watch together.

Do you know what that is? That's too racy. That's too racy for Aiden. I have no clue. His mom would be like, I don't know about this. Zipper, bring up the soup. What is the soup? It was like Tosh.0 before that. No, no, no, no, no. It came after Tosh.0. Wait, it was after Tosh?

Yeah, 100%. It was after Tosh.0. Two, it was entertainment news. No, look it up. Look up the dates. I gotta know. It's after Tosh. I. Wait, it was after Tosh? Yeah, 100%. It was after Tosh.0. Two, it was entertainment news. Yeah. No, look it up. Look up the dates. I gotta know. It's after Tosh. I'm with this guy.

Really? Another one for slime. That blows my... Dude, I remember watching that show when I was like a child. Yeah, you're fucking 10. The only thing I know is Canadian Big Brother. Did you watch that? Oh.

Oh. Cracked it. Wait, what is it? I remember seeing little ads for that, but I never watched it. What did your family gather around and watch? American Idol. Yeah? I can tell.

The old season. Did your mom go, ooh, I like him? What? You know? Like to who? You know, to the TV. Yeah. Just out loud.

Oh, I like him. He's good. And your dad be like, mm-hmm. Like, did that happen? This is so oddly specific. Your life is a cardboard cutout. It was a little like that. And then Paula Abdul left,

and we were like, we can't watch this anymore. Oh, the family together was like, you know what? Yeah. Ava would pipe up being like, my life is a meaningless void unless I travel.

And they'd be like, shut the fuck up. Paula's gone. Idiot. How about Paula Abdul-Jabbar? Has that been done before? No, 100%. Like, Paula's shaking hook shots. That's probably like a fantasy football team name right now.

Probably like a hundred of them. Yeah. Fantasy football team names, just people flexing their pun ability. Yeah, I like that. I don't mind it. It's kind of like Discord names. Mine's just been Poseidon's nipples

for about like five Years wait was that a pun that's Like no old critical it's a moist Critical joke that's so cute how you're friends With your hero yeah we Well yeah Hero is like No no you made a video well you have

The big posters in your room yeah well I like Them a lot yeah like so Much I remember the day you came up to me and said i want to copy his whole channel and do okay that's like how i want to become a big youtuber did you say that i mean you're not look up how to edit a smash video it's literally a lot of video he does a voice like critical i will say i told slime i've told you this before i said all i am is just zoomer dane. And then you were like, no. No. And then I repeated a Dane Cook joke in my YouTube voice. Yeah, it blew my mind.

You were like, yeah. It all came together in that moment. I was like, he sneezed. He walks up, he sneezed. And you were like, oh, shit. Crazy, you really are that. Yeah, I just bit his shit. So I can't wait to get old and have plastic surgery and be rich and sad.

Yeah. Damn. Me too for you. That's the path. For that to happen. You're happy for and be rich and sad. Yeah. Damn. Me too for you. That's the path. You're happy for that to happen to me? Yeah. Thanks, man. I'm more like a lame cook.

Wow. You know what I mean? Appreciate that, guys. You are so funny today. Love that, guys. Love that. Well, if you guys could get surgery. Okay, gun to your head.

Guy comes up to you, says, you need to get cosmetic surgery. I don't care what it what it is oh i got it uh you need to get it done and it'll be free and it will be painless you get it stays don't even ask twice i want i want my butthole to be shaped like the thing your straw goes through in the cup oh like the the like the star in like the top of the plastic you're talking about the the sarlacc pit from Star Wars. It's a little like that. I'm talking about my butthole and a plastic lid. Episode six, the Sarlacc pit.

And when I poop, it'll come out like a star pit. No, no, no, no, no. The Sarlacc pit that ate Boba Fett. You know what's funny? This was my bit. This was where me

and Nick do intersect on Call of Duty. Call of Duty 4. I would get on the fucking mic and I'd be playing on Xbox and I'd be with my friends and be like and i'd tell the lobby while we're playing like deathmatch or whatever like uh hey you guys ever like um hold a piece of fishing line under your asshole and then take a poop so it

splits into two pieces and i'd ask that and then the whole channel the whole room but one guy one day i did this all the time and the guy literally responded and he's like and he laughed quick as fuck he's like no i used the play-doh star mold and i was like i found the funniest guy on the internet and he's in this lobby yeah one one time this like 15 year old kid i was also like 14 uh told me that my hairline looked like the Dorito logo, and I've carried that with me to this day. It is one of the funniest things that's ever been said to me in my life. Because I also have a fucked up hairline because of my scar. So I was in the mic with the Arthur fist.

No, it's not. You know what it looked like? And I don't have the camera extension on my Xbox? All right, what would you get? Surgery, plastic surgery, cosmetic. Oh, I'd put my eyebrows slightly closer together so I could be more like

the Ever Dream This Man poster. No, you wouldn't. I would. You wouldn't do that. I like that. I think he would. Okay, by the way, the soup came out

five years before Tosh.0. Both of you can suck me. That's crazy. I just went with him because I knew I was right. I'm surprised. Dispute. I thought... I refute what you said. But I was right. I'm surprised. Dispute. I thought what you said.

But I'm happy that you found out. A better debate even though I- You lost anyway because you had to Google, and that's how it works. True shit. That's not how it works. I made you look it up. You lost. That's right.

That's how it works. I made you burn calories, and I sat here. How do you prove it to them? You don't. You lose. You just hold strong. You just hold strong. But it's a bet. Am I the joker? What's going on? You don't. You lose. You just hold strong. You just hold strong. But it's a bet.

Am I the Joker? What's going on? Put it on. Put it on. Put on the mask. You got that scarn. I keep my chussy. I keep my foreskin.

I don't know if this exists. Beard surgery. Oh, you want facial hair? Oh, you want it filled out a little more? I want that thick-ass, leathery beard. What are you saying pussy for? You fucking no-having-ass beard-having? Yeah, and I own it.

You don't own it. I do. You literally don't own it. Well, how do you own not having something? How does that work? Well, it's kind of like NFTs. Okay. Yeah.

There's a blockchain thing. A blockchain is where your beard exists, but not on your face. I would love a beard. Yeah? That's what you would do. I'd look. It's like there's a blockchain. Blockchain is where your beard is but not on your face. I would love a beard. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you would do.

I'd look hot if I had like a Chris Evans beard. You can get beard transplants. It just takes hair from the back of your head. I know.

I know like that he can get his butthole to be a star shape and he can get his eyebrows closer. I can. I just don't know if I want to do that.

You don't want it that You don't want to move your eyebrows closer? The next Patreon goal is lovely gets a beard transplant. Yeah, cosmetic beard surgery. Yeah, 20K, I'll close my chussy. What would you fill with concrete?

Like Heaven's Gates. Just level it off. That's what you think the surgery is? That stuff that they used to make your retainer mold? I love the idea of him laying back on the table and the doctor has to put a fucking... Yeah, like the little don't walk here sign. And then a little tiny man comes up and puts his hand in it. Me and Anthony used to have this bit where if Ludwig was ever shirtless in the house,

we'd walk up and we would casually purpose his chussy for something dude one time we were all talking in nick's room and it's like you hold this and it's a lint roller and he just puts it inside ludwig's a sticky like a like a sticky one yeah ludwig's chest hole and he's just standing up and it stays and i literally just start i just get on the floor and just lay down and i'm like we peaked he. That's it. The sticky one, bro. He's like trying to explain something, too. Oh, man. It was good times.

You're a freak. Yeah. What would you change? What would I change? I would change my, you know what? I'd change my ankles. Oh, do you? I'd change your ankles to stop hearing about it. I'm too proud.

I've severely limited ankle mobility, and all I want to do is just squat like a normal person. Every time you say it, I just, like, one, don't believe it because it just sounds, like, so dumb. It's real. It is real. I know it's real. Someone with a good squat would say that. I have a great squat. I can pistol squat.

What does that mean? Fuck you. One leg. Fuck you. It's so much harder. Oh, because you're like a gun. Yeah. Shaped like a gun.

Yeah. If you can get that done, I'm on team swap my ankles. Let's get ankle surgery together. Yeah. Let's get ankles swap. Swap our ankles. Yeah. Cool if you did it at the same time.

You want me to get your slightly shittier ankles. I'd be like Blood Brothers. The Ankle Brothers. If you did it at the same time, you'd recover together. You'd be like Blood Brothers. The Ankle Brothers. If you did it at the same time you were covered together, you'd just be wheelchair bound. Yeah. And then we could scissor. And then each one of you could help rehabilitate it.

Yeah. And there'd be a competition of who is better at rehabilitating. Oh, make a video from it. Yeah. Loser gets their ankles broken again. You go back to the old ones. And I'd pay for the surgery of the winner. That'd be hype.

Yeah, that's why. One of the reasons I've avoided chussy surgery is, in part, the recovery. Does it take a long time? It's like six months. Oh, shit. You can't go to the gym for six months. Because they literally break your fucking rib cage. All of your ribs, they put a metal rod through it, and they're like, all right, wait for that to heal.

That's crazy. And then they call it a day. It doesn't seem worth it. It is necessary for some people because it limits breathing. I don't, like, there's a chance that every time you guys are, like, doing one breath, I'm doing, like, three, and I don't know because I've never not had a chussy. Yeah, that's true. You've always had it.

I feel like I'm fine, generally. I feel like I'm My shit good I mean you get athletic I'm stronger Taller and faster Than you guys One of those is right You're

Stronger Taller than me Guaranteed one of those Is right for all of you guys Maybe two You know the Every There's a surgery

That like makes you A little bit taller Where they like Break your bones And like put screws In your bones to make your legs a little wider. Oh, yeah. Do you think Keemstar ever looked that up? He retired today.

Is that real? I don't know. Who fucking cares or knows? I just like the idea of him looking that up and also how to stop balding. And also local high schools. He's like, I could knock this all out in a day. It's easy.

I have a question for you. This is really important because it ties back into something that I have to say. What do you have to say about Mormon soaking? That's a great I found out what it is. What is this? You don't know about this?

I didn't know about this. I didn't know about it until this weekend. Is this like a cool day spa they go to hang out in? Let me tell you about Soak Talk real quick. But first, let's shout out Coinbase, our sponsor of this podcast. Yo, thanks, Coinbase. Right before we talk about Mormon soaking, we just want to thank you for sponsoring the y'all. I have a little bit.

So I actually needed to make a Coinbase account like a couple days ago and I forgot to use our fucking code. No! I literally made the account and then instantly remembered I have a code. I could have just gotten $10 in Bitcoin.

Can you just make infinite accounts and keep tying it to your bank? I don't think you can do that, Ludwig. That seems like you could not get away with that. I feel like it's an easy thing to stop. So no. Because you could see the same account getting connected to accounts. This is what they did with Twitch Prime back in the day.

You do a free trial and you get a free Prime. Oh, and just keep rotating. Don't be like me. Yeah. It's only if you have an EDU. Anyway, use our code. It's coinbase.com forward slash the yard. You have to go to the website.

If you go to the website, you sign up your new account. You get $10 in Bitcoin just straight up. And if you fill out like just literal information quizzes, you also get crypto. Yeah, beat the puzzles and you can also have an account. Yeah, they're just trying to teach you some things about crypto and then also be the site where that houses all of it. But I don't know. CoinBiz has been a proud sponsor since day one.

Thank you for sponsoring the yard. Now, Mormon soaking. Okay, so I've been a man who goes on TikTok, and I got stuck a bit on Soak Talk, which made its second go-around this year. What? Soak Talk? Basically, it's Mormon sex TikTok. And Mormons are

a devout group, if you guys aren't American or just don't know, of Christians who follow a specific man who just kind of like stopped going west and then just was like, Utah's fine. We'll just chill here. He's like, this is chill. And then he was also like... Basically, a guy went into a forest and was like, so I read these things,

but you guys can't read them, but you gotta believe me. And so this is what they all said. Also, there's underwear. Just trust me, put it on. And now they have like seven, like a lasagna heaven. It's like a whole thing. And then he was like, you, you, you, not you. You are my wife. And that's how Mormonism was created. And they're very strict on a few things. Like you can't have coffee. Yeah, you can't alter your mind no coffee no booze no rated r movies yeah no sex before marriage when you go on your mission

trip which is like a two-year venture to a random location that they choose for you uh you aren't allowed to consume non-religious media like you can't listen to music you can't watch tv you can't like do anything media wise that isn't like reading the fucking book of mormon or it's fucking crazy yeah it's two straight years yeah yeah so there's a lot of a lot of weird shit around mormonism but one of the things uh that's popular on tiktok is soaking and because you're not allowed to have sex before marriage a lot of people like to respect that and so what like byu students will do uh which is a huge Mormon school, is they'll just get hard. They'll put

penis in vagina and then just sit there. And that's called soaking. Because if you're not thrusting, you're not having sex. That's right. And you just soak. Or what they do is I want you to envision this, Nick. I'm with you.

You're on the top bunk. Yep. You're rock hard. I'm solid. There is a girl, Vijay, a millimeter above your penis. You did not put it in. Above? I'm laying down?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a cowgirl. Okay. I am on the bottom bunk. Wait, you're in the room. I'm in the room. You're on the bottom bunk. Oh, I'm in the room.

I'm on the bottom bunk. I kick the bed up. Oh, that's going to do some damage. And. I'm on the bottom bunk. I kick the bed up. Oh, that's going to do some damage. And then I keep kicking the bed up. I see. And that's how- So you're the one fucking for me. It's like a Dutch rudder. Well, no, I'm not fucking.

I was just kicking the bed. I'm saying you're- I didn't know what you guys were doing up there. You're just having fun kicking the bed, and you're doing what God knows what. You're saying, my noisy neighbors, calm down. Hey, stop doing this until you're- whenever you're done. And I'm up there saying, Oh no.

Yeah. And then I wait for the snow and then I stop. And that's how Mormons have sex in BYU. Have you guys ever seen the sex is not an accident posters? No. Where it'll show like some crazy situation where like a guy is on a bike as like a car door opens nearby with a woman sitting in the back of the car and he crashes his bike and he like flies off of it and then he like lands on

top of the woman because oh no i crashed my bike and it's like and then at the bottom of it it says sex is not an accident but they just they depicted it as an accident yeah they like to the exact the idea the poster is lying yeah this is a sex is not the accident poster but it's actually happening yeah and they try everything they can to make sure it is an accident like it's like the above the influence commercial and it's just this dude in slacks like flat on a couch it's like what's wrong with jimothy and it's like oh he's been soaking for 48 hours he just sits like that that's the thing it's like, oh, he's been soaking for 48 hours. He just sits like that now.

That's the thing. It's like, the idea is like you get to heaven and God's like got his clipboard and you're like, oh, dude. Smart. Smart. Dude. And then he like looks over at like Gabriel and he's like, we gotta patch that one up. We gotta like, somebody's gotta change that one. No, no.

We'll get around to it though. I'm good with the, hey, come on in. You're fucking crazy. You got it. Grandfather clocks. He's like mad at the guy who kicked the bed though. He's like, you're fucked. Yeah.

Okay, here's my, so to our Mormon audience listening, I have an amendment maybe that you could add. If they are this far, they're leaving the church guaranteed. No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. So to soak, right?

You have to enter. Yeah. Right? But after you're done soaking, you got to exit. Yeah. At least here's the thing. Here's the thing. So to soak, right, you have to enter. Yeah. Right? But after you're done soaking, you got to exit. Yeah. What? At least one.

Only then. Only enter and exit. How to have sex with.5 A presses. Yeah, it is. This is what I'm saying. It's a half A press. If you only ever enter and exit,

you're not busted. Well, if you blow your load and then just get soft, it does it on its own. That's true. You know what I think it has to do? How could you blow your load? It's the idea idea of like maybe you're repressed maybe the the the

vagina has to be stationary at all times i think i think i don't know this is a math problem there's like so if there's an equation for this if If her acceleration is consistent. Yeah. If you start soaking at 8.45 p.m. and then she moves. If you lay on the floor of the elevator and I jump up right as it starts to move, then I'll land. It's like that. You know what it is?

If she moves at all, she's just a whore she's a whore you fucking whore she's a dirty hellbound whore fuck me and she tricked you how dare you fuck me she tricked you into harlot into into soaking your penis into a pruned pruned banana like thing and then you i think the idea is also if you're bottom bunk you can kick them in you can start it it's like starting a lawnmower i think it's really funny about this is the term soaking implies the person is wet and this person has got to be so dry when this happens yeah like this is just sandpaper also that you remain in there that you're just like how long right yeah because what if you don't? Yeah. Because what if you don't have fucking Danny at the bottom bunk?

Because he's pissed because he liked Christine. You don't have Jebediah on the bottom bunk. And Father Jimble and Father Jamble are, you know, they're way gone. Holy shit. You know, I was thinking about this, too. are, you know, they're way gone. Holy shit. You know, I was thinking about this too.

It's like, technically, since this is for the rules, you could soak with your boys. Yeah, he was talking about sodomy. You could soak with your boys. Yeah, you could like soak into your best friend, Jimothy's asshole, and then now you're beating the system and you get to enjoy that. I'm pretty sure Mormon talk, like if you're looser,

I think anal is just a workaround in itself. Anal is the classic. But I'm pretty sure the moment you touch sodomy, it's like... What if you could get pregnant in your ass? Dude, I have literally... Yeah, what if? But it's like the chow garden.

They always come out evil. You throw them at the Game Boy? Grinder would be such a different place Oh yeah There'd be way less hookups Yeah What if you like Dude yeah

If you could get pregnant in your ass And they would just be ass babies And they're like They're just They're not bad They're just different You know when like kids Would like throw around insults

It'd be like telling a kid They were adopted It's like You're an ass baby No I'm not No I'm not no i'm not yeah you gotta shit out the dark chow yeah and then you'd be an ass baby my reddit account is the same one i've used since like i started reddit and one of the questions i asked like

six years ago seven years ago before i streamed was like what can you have a baby how do i soak with my homies uh no can you have a baby without a woman? Wait, six years ago? It was in college. You made this post? Yeah, I posted this. Was it for real? Yeah, I was genuinely.

You as a college student genuinely rent. Explain your rationale to me. In my mind, I was like, okay, because you know how you can take eggs from a woman and then spermify them and then put them in another woman. Spermify them. Yeah, I'm familiar. Spermed, if you will. Partner of Shopify. So why can't you just take the eggs, spermify

it, and then incubate them? Just recreate whatever the tummy does. The band that made Anna Molly? There's like eight people out there who laughed. I gave you the courtesy laugh, but I'm not happy about it. There's like eight people out there who laughed. I'm not happy about it. That's what I was wondering.

I was like, how have they not figured out what the tummy does yet and just recreate that outside the womb? It's a bit tougher than... And what did Reddit tell you, Ludwig? What did you ask it on? You're dumb as fucking... It was like, ask science. I just asked all of science, and they're like, no.

And they're like, ASU student, huh? All right, let me break this down for you. Yeah. They did do explain me like I'm five. Guy took a break from Rush and found Reddit. Dude, you could ask this thing anything. Am I gay? Where are hot girls right now?

That's your fucking degree. Yeah, man. You can't do it. Why didn't any girls come to five caps last night, bro? Okay. So when you posted this to the topic channel, I opened this and I lost it because I couldn't believe the coincidence. Because not like an hour before you posted this, me and Sam had had a separate conversation about Mormon soaking. Yeah, I found out because he told me about it on commentary.

Yeah, and he explained it to me for the first time. We were hanging out on the last day and everybody was just really tired. He wanted to go just chill in his room. Can I put my hard dick in your butthole? I won't move it at all. He said, Aiden, as a doctor. I was like, well,

only if you could come up with a trendier cool name for it. I said, what are you going to do? And he's like, I'm going to go soak. I'm like, what is that? What does that mean? He's like, oh, you don't know about soaking? It's what Mormons do to have sex.

But then he didn't explain. And he disappears in a puff of smoke. And then you turn around, and you start doing the David Blaine levitating trick. Mind freak! You walk in the room, he says, go bottom bunk, go bottom bunk quick. I pass through.

And then he explains to me how it works. And then at the end, he's like, yeah, and if you have someone jump on the bed next to you, it's like chill. Yeah, it's another way to do it. That was the, that was the explanation. I feel so fucking bad for like religious kids. Cause it's like, you should be able to like really be able to do that.

But also like you, you gotta come up with weird shit. You should be able to soak your dick as a choice. That's right. Just, that's right. Just plow. Batman. If you want to. That's right.

And safely. I think it's healthy. It adds more sex options to the world. Just soak. So Batman. If you want to. That's right. And safely. I think it's healthy. It adds more sex options to the world. Just soak. Soak. And you get more calcium. If Mormons never existed, we would never discover soaking. Yardigans at home, with your significant other, if you decide to try soaking just for shits

and gigs, let us know down below in the comments. Next person that I have something consistent with I'm asking to soak yeah yeah can we just can we just try this so the Mormons had this idea

group chat message yo can someone jump on my bed that's cultural appropriation you know what else a weird thing about Mormons I found out a while ago is they all have

trampolines in their backyard false it's for the soaking process I had a. I had a Mormon friend. He did not have one. Yeah, but... Oh, my God. Look on Google Maps, bro.

Go to Utah, look on Google Maps, and there's trampolines in every single fucking backyard. I think that's just, like, an American thing. Oh, really, dude? Yeah. I think you're wrong. Are you thinking that, like, the parents got it to soak there? I don't know.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. I'm not trying to draw. Think about how much deeper the thrusts are. Dude, you can have- The parents see their teen kid out there, they're like, he's probably having his first soak. It's like a surreal Mormon swinger party with one identified jumper or bouncer dude who moves all the couples.

In a tiger mask, and he's naked, and he's just jumping up and down and everyone's like, that's what the gummy bear mask I have downstairs is for. I like Mormon birthday parties. They see the big bounce house and the parents are like, hey, imagine. Imagine getting in that. Hey, will the kids go to sleep? Dude, imagine like a Mormon adulterer like couple. Like a guy cheats on his Mormon wife, but he just like

Fucking soaks. If you're hardcore you don't have to cheat. You're such a good soaker, Jebediah. It doesn't count as cheating if it's soaking. She can't get mad. Yeah, all seven of your wives can't get mad at you. Babe, I was just soaking. Dude the fucking chapter under this video. That's right down right here for Mormon soaking is like this big. It's like half the fucking screen. They're like damn a lot of time spent on

soaking. What is soaking? It's just such a phenomenon that we weren't ready for. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah it is a phenomenon.

It was weird the first time. Well. Your first time soaking? What's up? Well cuties Mormon. Yeah. That goes bro.

That goes out here. Weird request but I'm insane. Can you do this instead how are you hanging gumby what's the how's it feel you a little hot gumby costume is toasty all i'm thinking about when i look at this is the mango gumby and how me and mango are no longer friends why aren't you friends did you not hear no this past friday was a Mango Ludwig Friday, and we were playing Mario Kart. Classic Mario Kart. Yeah, you and Mango. A little bit of turn.

A little bit of turn this way. Yeah. So it's me and Mango. Drinking a little beer. Boys, here's how I lost Mango's friendship. Okay. All right. Yeah.

So basically, we're playing Mario Kart, and we're doing a best of three. He wins. So I owe him 100 gifted. How's're playing Mario Kart And we're doing a best of three He wins So I owe him a hundred How's he playing Mario Kart? Continue Did you just have a moment? Mango has Aiden's Switch

Oh Oh we're playing Double Dash Fuck your Switch Fuck your Switch Fuck your Switch It was Double Dash Also the OLED I'll get you the OLED

I'll get you the OLED Plus L Kiddo Plus you're a gummy bear costume. Anyway, so we're playing. He wins. And we double or nothing. I win. And then we do another one for like $1,000.

I win. He says, I'm not paying out. Like never? He's like, I'm just not paying out. That's bullshit. It doesn't count. I won like three in a row. This is bullshit. I'm not paying out. This is stupid. Insanity. Because we just kind of doubled it on a win. Does he think you hustled him? He's mad because I like, he like, he was beating me

and I just got like some juicy items. I got like double lightning. Oh, you got the shock. Double lightning or something. Yeah. The shock. That's shocking.

He's like, one more. Nick's off today. No, this is good. He did this on purpose. He's bringing down his own brand. Yeah, that's good. Wait, what?

Anyway, so we do one final race. He's like, let's just do one more. Let's do one more. Like, basically he's scammed me out of like $1 we do one final race. He's like, let's just do one more. Let's do one more. Like, basically, he's scammed me out of like $1,500 at this point. He's like, I'm not paying for like $1,500. He's like, let's do one more $500.

I'm like, all right, we do it. I beat his ass again. He's like, fuck you. Hangs up, blocks me on Discord, blocks me on Twitter, blocks me on Twitch. I literally cannot contact him. He's supposed to come over this week to hang out. That's really funny. You're actually a little shook about this because you keep bringing it up.

Well, because he on stream for the next hour and a half was just like, I fucking hate Lotto. He's such a fucking pussy, dude. He plays like such a pussy, bro. And I don't know. I can't reach out to him to ask him to come over. He might just hold a grudge for like a month. Yeah, and those are real, by the way.

Yeah. I could do it, right? I could message him, and be like, hey, Laudewig wants to know if you're actually coming over. He'd be like, fuck that guy. Yeah, and he'll just say that. He's hot and cold.

I've been banned in his chat for like two weeks, three weeks before, and that's just like we won't talk for that like three-week period. We're like an ugly high school couple. Yeah, you guys are extremely toxic. Yeah, super toxic, but it's like we're so in love. We're like a ugly high school couple. Yeah, you guys are extremely toxic. Yeah, super toxic but it's like

we're so in love. We're so in love. He's the one, you fucking idiots. You think, yeah? Yes. He's the one. He feels the way

you think. Never mind. He's good for me. Let's move on. He's hot. Yep. He's a hot piece of ass. He fucks like no other.

No one makes me gyrate like him. One of the funniest things Nick ever sent me, he was like, going back to BTS, like when he started going to the office again, and using their bidets after using the ones at home. Because ours are like soft and warm. We got some Primo.

And the ones at BTS are like berry-like. They're hard. They have industrial water pressure. Like the lowest setting Is like pretty hardcore It's like So it's a thing So basically like If you turn it to one

It's not enough pressure To get the bidet to start Yeah But if you turn it to two It's a bullshit One to five nozzle It's like Whoa

It's like Poseidon Yeah Two is just like It goes one to five But two Two is basically like Five minus Yeah

It was like just a little Under what five is And five is too much And he was like he was like dude it feels like uh it feels like i i hooked up with like an ex that like i left my like i left my rich husband to hook up with my ex that was broke and treated me like shit but fucked like no other that's what i was saying that whole message the bidet is a very funny analogy it's like somebody who's just a little bit too into choking yeah it's it you know what's funny is like i because when i worked at bts i was there i i bideted every day right oh yeah and i sometimes without shitting i told them all i had to take a tea break because i because i put it on max and i felt nothing now do you think you go, because you've been treated nice.

Yeah. I mean, I couldn't put it on Max. Or an angel's kiss. But I like some pressure in there. So Arbidays are like Yoshi. It's like everyone's choice. I thought you just meant like the tongue. No.

Max is like Yoshi tongue in your ass. Not great stats. Those people's choice. The ones at BTS are like Waluigi. Where it's like you sit down, and it's like really cold, and you're like, oh. But then you power it up, and you're like, oh, but the special meter is pretty hot. Right. Yeah.

Oh, like the weight is insane. Yeah. Yeah, I could not go back. I like my soft kiss. You're so vanilla. You're a little pampered. You're so vanilla. You're a little pampered. You're so vanilla. Okay, no, I do oscillating.

You know what I'll say, though? So we had dinner with it. That's like me and my girlfriend do doggy sometimes. We had dinner with an undisclosed potential partner of the yard. During the thing, they were talking about Tushy, the bidet company. Oh, fuck them. Oh, and what they said was, so they were like, they make the the bidet company oh fuck them oh and what they said was so they were like they make the best bidets and we and we were like no we have the best bidets it's not a competition yeah

we piped up they're all going to bat for tushy and it was like a war it was like no they're dumb as i'm like name your feature list name your feature list because like ours oh ours is that but actually it is better so yeah thing and. And then one of the guys was like, the problem with that one is that the dryer doesn't work. And I was like, I use the dryer every time. We all went in at the same time. Oh, you think it doesn't work? I do feel when I talk about bidets among others, I feel like I have a powdered wig and tiny little spectacles.

Monocles. And I'm just like, oh, yes, I can say that it is warm on my asshole don't talk to the poor sweetie come on yeah yeah i you know in that william osmond video there was this like sentiment that was like uh being relatable um like gets you success and then success is not relatable and that was really interesting like dynamic and i was like yeah and i i try to i try to stay humble myself you know what i'm saying i slept in a closet but fuck man i don't think i could ever go back i'm glad you said this out loud to to what no to washing my ass with only towels or the closet no i could go back if i had a bidet in a closet i'm set i'm living like i'm in nippon

desk i agree with him i slept on the floor this weekend. That was great. Hated every shit I took without a bidet. That's right. You should just change your room to tatami mats. That'd be great. Live in a fake Japanese apartment in California. Who are you talking to? That's literally what you need to do.

I don't want a tatami mat. You're the one who wants to move to Japan. Remember when Aiden was going to replace his whole ass mattress and bed with a mat on the floor? Remember that? In the old house? He talks a lot of good shit. Remember when he deleted every tweet he ever made for no reason? Yeah. I love the yeah. My favorite Aiden

thing is that he does not have Twitter as an app on his phone. He deleted it. He might now, but for a long time he didn't have it, but every day he checked it in his phone browser. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, if you're trying to not check Twitter, just don't check it. I think it's just an extra layer of friction, which I got after a while.

But he checks it every day. Look, you're right. But he checks it every day. You're right. But it's an additional layer of friction. I checked it less. Also, just to leave a neat bow, fuck Tushy because I tried to work with them because I'm like working on making my own bidet. Yeah. And basically like nah that's right hey toto shout out hook us up

well i actually got someone let me work on my bidet oh it'll come out soon okay so aiden you something i was i wanted to uh ask you about was walking dead knight oh yeah yeah so what does that mean this is just like a a funny story to give context behind like the type of person that i spent the weekend with because uh sam uh sam is probably one of the funniest people i know and i think he's had a big impact on like my like humor and you know what's really funny is that when I met Sam, he and Aiden talk exactly the same. They have the same accent. Where's he from? The way they emphasize syllables.

He's from Wisconsin, but he has more of a West Coast accent. It's really weird. You get them talking together, you think they're like brothers. I didn't get that up at all. Yeah. We've just spent so much time together,

and I think he morphed a lot of my humor over the years just through... Through a process of fucking. I soaked his humor out of his dick and into my ass. Humor through osmosis. He lost a little humor, but you guys had a great time.

I think this actually ties into what you were saying earlier where I just think part of how I became funny, or at least as funny as I am, is I think I'm just really, really good at matching the expectations or what is funny within a certain social group. So I pick up on what pulls within a social group. And when I spend a lot of time with a person,

I notice I just subconsciously pick up on a ton of their habits. And I think it starts to go the other way eventually as well. You're a survivor. Yeah, that's how I make it in this world i'm a negotiator um so one of the i have only known sam for like about two or three months into college when this happened and this is one of my like first impressions of him because we hadn't hung out like that much yet at the beginning of college we both lived on the same same dorm and the way our college dorm worked is that every two floors were sort of together and uh the each two set of two floors were sort of centered around a lobby and in the center of like the halls you could like look up

into the rafter of like the second floor from the first one and his his room was on the second floor so when he walked out into the lobby area you could like see him from down in the lobby and uh that first year we like uh we just like drank like way too much and we'd go out every weekend most of the weekends it'd be like a few nights in a row and uh sam would get like infamously hungover like even even infamously like in class the next day like bro no just like he was off the fucking claws it is it is to not be infamously hammered but infamously no that was the thing is like he wouldn't have to drink that much to have like the worst hangover the next day so it's it's like almost 2 30 p.m next day, and we're starting to wonder, has anybody seen or heard from Sam today?

I haven't. I haven't seen him. And all of a sudden, the door from the hall into the lobby bursts open. Like the Kool-Aid man. Yeah, like the fucking Kool-Aid man. It slams against the opposite wall. And Sam is 6'5",

and he just sort of lumbers out like a zombie and he looks at us all and he's like what happened what happened and we're all like what do you mean we just like we just went out like this is just a very like normal he begins to recount this story of how he he black out. And when he woke up in his dorm room, his door to his room has been boarded up by a mattress, stacks of chairs, textbooks. So it looks like he has barricaded his door from the inside to presumably stop someone from getting in. And his phone was dead so he didn't he just saw this had blacked and was like what has happened like i i think i'm in the apocalypse and i can't contact anyone and i i have taken my roommate's mattress and all of these things from

around the room to like block the door in and so he came out like searching for an explanation and we call it the walking dead knight because to this day he does not remember why he put all of those things on the door wow yeah and this was one of uh this is like one of you know first of like many stories of getting to know him that's like early college yeah this is like this is only a couple months into college that's not a bad you know you put that in the thing and i was like i wonder if this is amen encountering normie culture again and getting angry because i thought it was like let's gather around and watch walking yeah hate that show and you were and it's just amen he's like and yeah and they just fucking like gather around and they watch it it's a fucking bad show it's a bad. It's an indictment of shows. I was hoping for that.

It's not quite. That's okay. But he also did one other thing this weekend. So he, you know, if you're a med student, naturally, you're pretty busy. But during the summer, he listened to all the podcast episodes that came out before his classes had started. And while we're hanging out, it's me, him, our friend Ian, who he went to high school with and also lived with us in Seattle for one year. And then another friend, Michael, who actually also did the same, was from Wisconsin, but just decided to come live with us in Seattle for a short bit just for like the hell of it. We're hanging out and we're buying groceries, but we want to get a pizza for that night.

And Sam is like, he's like, Ian, I need you to order the pizza. I need you to get a pizza. And he's like laying out like Ian I need you to order the pizza I need you to get a pizza and he's like laying out like the pizza place you should order from he like recommends like a type of pizza he should get he's like there's this crazy type of like pizza you get with like crab on it and stuff and he's like and make sure you tell them to get it with the works it's like really important no and and Ian is like what and he's like yeah the worst you just get like all the sauces and stuff like it make Like make sure you do the works. And I'm like- This is right up his alley too.

There's just no shot. He's a fucking Ice Climbers player. Like this is his element. I'm like, there's just no shot Ian falls for this. And Sam mentions it like five different times. And Sam is, Ian is like caving. He's like starting to think like, I guess like I've heard that phrase related to pizza before.

And he finally makes the call and he's like, yeah, can I get the, like the crab large pizza? And can we get that with the works? And then in the, in the hall of the grocery store, we all burst out laughing because of Michael,

Sam and me all know he's just fucking with him. And then Ian's like, okay. Oh, shit. And then he gets off the phone. And he's like, yeah, she just said okay and took the order. And that was it. And then turns out the works was just actually a thing there. Did Sam know that?

No. Wow. That's a W. Yeah. Oh, the works is a thing. I worked at a pizza place. I was going to say. It is a thing a thing I was gonna say it's like a supreme pizza thing not at Starbucks but it's a no Starbucks is not a thing but like pizza and like sandwiches like basically that's how they do it at

Jersey Mike's it's called Mike's what if you're like hey can I get a Gumby costume but with the works it's covered in sauce. It just has a big cock and ball. Like a giant. It's just a hamburger costume instead. Do you guys ever have like shenanigans that went down on Halloween in your town? What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, yeah. We used to go around and fucking kill cats. Well.

Dude, that's the one night of the year I've ever egged a house. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, we were driving around. No, yeah, yeah. We egged houses, too. Your thing was weird. No. What did you say?

Well, you'd get the cat from someone's yard or your house. I'm eggs. And you'd fucking kill it. No, I'm eggs, though. And so, but it's like a goofy shenanigans. Yeah, you'll be arrested one day, but that's all right. Sort of like a purge thing, but you just kill cats. Well, the fun part was you try to throw it on the power line, right?

Cat? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And like it hangs over. And it'd be all funny. Uh-huh. So, yeah, we did that. Yeah.

Yeah. Diddling kids is more your thing, Pastor. So, you egged a couple houses. Well, this is the only time I've ever egged a house. It was Halloween. We were just feeling a bit frisky. And we were like, let's fucking egg a house. And it was the dumbest plan because we just got eggs

and then just walked four houses down and then just threw it at the house. That was the shit. When you were a kid and you wanted to like fuck with someone but you didn't have a car, it was like, well we're all gonna walk a mile. There's only a radius to do things in. Yeah, and then we had like the quiet, we had like a quiet

very smart friend in our group who went to like some Ivy League. We tried to get him to egg something and he put his foot down. It was the maddest I've ever seen. He was like, I'm not fucking egging shit. Dude, the other side of that, I had a friend onlloween who was also like ivy league like super smart guy and uh my it was like one of the first halloweens were like you're too old to go trick-or-treating now i think it was like a freshman in high school maybe like eighth grade like on that line and uh

we're still like out it's halloween we're hanging out with his friends uh but like you know we're too cool not dressed up or whatever walking around and my friend goes hey check this out and he goes up to the front porch of a house that has jack-o'-lanterns. And he poops in one. No. No. No. You are shitting me.

Because I thought that that was going to be what you said. This is a real story. Wait. But talk me through this. So he pulls down his pants. And he sits on the jack. Well, at first he bends down. He blows out the flame.

Right. And then he sits down. And then he poops in it. We're all losing our fucking minds. How long does this shit take? We think he's kidding. We think he's just making a bitch. Did you see it plop into the mouth?

He turns around and takes a picture and then he runs and he goes, go, go, go. That's so sick. And while we're running, he holds his phone out. He's like, look, I pooped in that pumpkin. Oh, my God. So he had shit ass while running. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, big time. No bidets at the pumpkin. That's crazy. It was the only time we ever did that. But I thought it was one of the funniest fucking things. Yeah. No, that's true. Also, not we.

Oh, yeah. Well, sure. Not we. You're saying, like, we, like, it's like the boys went house to house, each taking a shit. Yeah, you each picked your man. Like, that's my guy. I'm going to poop in him. Nick would fill a pumpkin. Well, look, each taking a shit. Yeah, you each picked your man. Like, that's my guy. I'm gonna poop in him. Nick would fill a pumpkin.

Well, I rolled with that guy, at the very least. I rolled with him. And it's like, it's coming out of the eye like it's fucking the bad guy from Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh, my God. Oh, it's horrific. That's the scariest jack-o'-lantern on the blog.

It'd be funny to run up to pumpkins and just fart them out. You think you could do that Oh, yeah, you think you have that power? Like like blow up the Yeah, I use Sly would explode it like it would blow I was gonna say do you think it do you think it light it actually would because That's what my you know, it's poop gas. Have you ever lit a fart your ass you've done that Yeah, you you end up burning your ass hairs more often than you light one, but, you know, we get there.

How much experience do you have? We, like, a night of it. We. We'd make a night. An actual we, where it was me, the boys, in my friend's bathroom, trying not to wake up his parents, just holding a lighter to each other's assholes. Dude. My friend Joey was like this. We fucking did it.

Oh, we were just regular farting. Wake him up. They walk in. Dude, he was farting his whole. Oh, dude. They were Polish, too. They were weird, man. You trust them.

Can't trust them. Oh, we were just smoking weed. Like, my friend Joey was legit doing this. And, like, we were, were you know we had to get in there we're doing crack up it was like surgery almost like underneath the fluorescent light did i ever tell you guys how i almost got killed by a homeless guy no no one time i was in high school and in our gym class in high school uh we would walk to the park from the school and we had block schedules so it was like a two and a half hour class there was time to like walk like a mile all the way to the park and then like fuck around the

park and walk back it was very lazy gym class and uh and we're walking and i was with these like this group of guys that were just like real shitheads and uh and we're walking and it's like the park walkway it's like this bike path and it drops off into the river into the roaring fork river and it's like it's a steep like incline of just rocks and then like a riverbed and uh and there's the path so we're walking we're walking back and this guy i'm with he takes a fucking giant rock and because he sees a tent down there because there's like homeless people you know that are in the town right and he sees a tent he's like so he takes his like fucking head-sized rock and throws it at the tent and we all take off and i'm like that's fucked up and we're and we're running away and then we slow down because

there's still quite a bit to go to the school and we slow down and we just start walking all of a sudden it's like a minute goes by, and we turn around, and there's a fucking shirtless dude with, like, long, like, what do you call it? Like, a rake of hair, and he's holding two giant rocks, and he's sprinting at us. That is terrifying, and also, I hope he fucking hit you guys. Dude, it was fucking, it was so scary. And I'm like, dude! And we all see it dude and we and we all

see it we just start booking it and he's just fucking and he throws one and he fucking i'll never forget this because i i was so scared i i just start screaming like and and he throws it and i see it just like just just plop next to my head. Like fucking Dunkirk. Like on the beach. It was fucking crazy. Like, if he hits me with that, I go down. And I didn't throw the rock.

I also didn't encourage it, because I, like. You were rock affiliated. I was affiliated. You were rock affiliated. But I would never have fucking done that. But that guy, he almost clocked me. And we just ran back to school. We, like, told the teachers, like teachers like we did like like he was in

the wrong hey this homeless guy just started attacking us dude it was city of vixen every like every like six months i'll just be lying awake in bed thinking about that guy and i'll be like i'll remember that be like that's your donnie darko uh alternate reality like one where the rock hits you and one where it doesn't and like and the other one you're like evil and weird yeah do you know in the deleted scenes he was supposed to be beating off when he dies at the end? In Donnie Darko?

Yeah. Or not in the deleted scenes. Sorry. In the original script you know, spoilers, Donnie Darko dies and he was supposed to be

like jacking off and then the plane crashed into his house. So in the original cut of this version I'm full sprinting while I'm just cranking my shit. You're beating.

Yeah. He hits me with a rock and I'm dead and I cum everywhere. You guys ever sardine a house? The thing in your city? Bro, what? Okay, so in my city at least. It's not like you killed a cat that lives there. What the fuck was you killing cats this episode?

So it was a prank where you'd get a bunch of your boys, as many as you could get, the more the better. And you would ring someone's doorbell and then everyone would lay down on their lawn like you were sardines

on a pizza. And then they would open the door and they would just be confused because there's like a bunch of people laying down on the lawn. It sounds like you're just

planking on someone's yard. It's like, it was before planking. It was a group plank with no punchline. And one time, my friend was having a birthday, I don't think probably like 13 or 14, my friend was having a birthday. I think probably like 13 or 14.

My friend was having a birthday party. He was like, we should all go sardine houses. And we had like 40 people. So we're like, yeah, that sounds hilarious. With 40 people, that's sick. He lives in this mega rich neighborhood. And we go down the street and we pick this random house and we do it. And the guy opens the door and he's like, hello bro just laying there and he's like he sounds mad already

and he's like you guys need to leave but the the bit of sardining is the first one to get up and run like loses oh i like that so uh so you have to stay as long as you can and so he goes you guys have five seconds to leave my property and but no one's budging. Everyone's just laying down. Like, I'm not going. Like, all the boys are going to, like, fuck me up if I'm first gone. So he goes, all right. And then he closes the door. And my friend, I'll never forget, my friend Corey just starts busting up laughing.

And then the guy comes back out, and he has a double-barrel shotgun. It's like a fucking movie. It was like a movie. He goes, like, and he aims the shotgun and everyone gets up and starts sprinting. He didn't shoot it, but everyone gets up and starts fucking

booking it up the street. We never fucking did that shit again. Dude, that's hard shit. It was hard. Rich Republicans are crazy. I would love to point a shotgun at teenagers

and not get arrested. This guy was like 58. That's crazy. That is crazy. It would be so funny if he points the gun and then your buddy gets up, sprints past him, and just shits in his pumpkin again.

I tried to do that to hide from the cops once. It was like nighttime. Oh, yeah. It was a party, like the last party of high school. The weird kid in the school threw a party because he was super rich. It was weird and rich, but not cool. No. Cringe.

The weird kid threw a party because he was rich he was rich and his parents were at home and he just threw a big fucking party he's a nice guy I like the guy I don't clown anyone you call them weird no I mean like that because that's you know I was he weird well because he transferred that's literally it what a pussy he's the new kid but he threw a party cops go to like you know break it off as they do and everyone runs sprints like over the bushes out whatever everyone's on a red drinking me i'm like no i got this five head so i lie down in the dark on the grass

basically sardining hoping that they just go by officer fucking pulls up light on me goes what are you doing oh i'm just chilling and i was like oh shit oh hey what's up i just found myself at this house oh gee what can i do for you just go home i was like okay tight dude i i had a similar well actually not similar at all, but a party that got broke up by the cops. It was post high school. We all flee. And the crazy thing that happened was there was, I was selling weed at the time at that party. So me and my friend would go to parties, sell weed, go home.

And dude, we hung out there. Did you sell any of these? We didn't sell, no, those weren't around at the time. Oh, I ripped it. Oh, come on. You ripped it? Bro. Wait, it's just Velcro, right?

It has to be. All right, so you're selling weed. See if he buys you anything ever again. You've killed three cats, you're selling weed. People are starting eating outside.

But we're going and we fucking, I run out the back and this big redneck guy wearing like a red baseball cap i remember this and i i leave with him and we go out the back the same way and we're just kind of hanging out in the back of this house and it's kind of in the middle of nowhere so there's nowhere to go really so we just kind of got to like hide from like like metal gear like the cone of vision

that they would be seeing us at these two cops. And we're just hanging out by this house, like kind of waiting. And he pulls out a fucking gun. He pulls out a pistol and loads it and cocks it. And I'm like trying to stay so cool. I'm like, but I'm kind of freaking out because I'm like, is this guy going to like kill me? Is he going to have a shootout with the cops?

And I look over and I like try to be so cool. I'm like, so you came heavy? Because I just watched The Sopranos and dude and he did skip a beat and he's like always and then he just takes off the other way

takes another pistol hands it to you dude it was crazy and he just takes off never saw him again because I didn't go to that town again

and you know cops never chase him down they just kind of like rounded up the people in the house. Yeah, it would be terrible if they did because he would be dead. Yeah, I don't know why he did that. This was, like, a long time.

It was, like, 09? I imagine this was probably low stakes, right? Dude, there's no reason to load your weapon. Yeah. Because you're just going to get, like, an MIP. I don't know. Heather Pocket has, like, 50 grams of heroin. Yeah.

If anything, I should have been running. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know. But yeah, I actually, they didn't check the back of the house. They just hung out the whole time. They eventually left and I just went home. Sheesh.

The last party of high school that I went to was also conveniently a redneck party because I went to this like, I went to high school in this like really rural area up on like area up on the border with Canada in Washington. And the party for after graduation was at this barn. It was on somebody's fucking farm. And when I showed up- I've gone to a lot of barn parties. It was crazy. I think to this day,

it might still be the craziest party I've ever been to. There was like a thousand people there. And the barn was like built to have parties in it. Like very clearly, like the upper part of the barn was not for farm equipment. There was like a bar built into it. There was like beer pong tables and shit. Project Yeehaw.

There was like a swing. Actually, it was like if Project X had slightly less people, a bunch of hicks, and was on a farm. Would you have cows? No cows. No cow tipping. No killed cats. Cow tipping is fucked up. Solidarity.

Everybody's crowded around either outside of the barn on the grounds of the property or in the barn. And the party's starting to get a little crazier, people getting a little more drunk. There's 18 cowboys. There were actually 18 cowboys, except they all hate gay people. Still naked. But still shirtless, and kind of like,

they're all fainting smoothies. Not Ram Ranch. And I don't know if anybody listening has like hung out with like drunk hicks before but it starts to get a little i don't know it starts to get a little out of hand after a while and uh as the uh you know we're later in the night these two guys are like yelling at each other in the barn and i'm like standing on the wooden steps, like which kind of like sit outside of a balcony that enters the top area of like the party barn.

And I look right in and I see, see what happens. And these two guys, they've, they're clearly yelling at each other, but one dude is like walking away from the conversation. He's not facing the guy anymore. And the dude,

the other guy comes up behind him with a bottle and clocks him over the conversation. He's not facing the guy anymore. And the dude, the other guy comes up behind him with a bottle and clocks him over the head. Just sucker punches him with the fucking bottle. Does it shatter? It shatters. It bursts out everywhere

and the guy takes a huge hit. It must have hurt so fucking bad. The shatter's better, right? I think of it, yeah, it is. And if the guy, the guy who swung the bottle immediately bolts. Like, he runs as fast as he possibly can.

Oh, he runs away? Yes. And then the group at the bottom of the stairs, they kind of, like, swarm a bit, like in World War Z, like all the zombies at the bottom of the wall. And he's getting, like, chased by this mob of people to this car that's in the grounds.

And he, like like pulls open his car door as people are like trying to grab his legs and like pull him out and he is like fucking kicking people out and shit and then one dude gets up on the hood of the car like jump jumps up on top of the car grabs the top of the of the front door that's still open and swings his feet down and kicks the dude further into the car so that his friend he did this to his friend so his friend was like safe from all the people trying to like punch and pull him out and then pushes back the crowd slams the door shut and the dude who is definitely fucking wasted like pulls out of the party like almost hitting a bunch of people on the way out because like there's a huge crowd and then he runs off.

And then 10 minutes later, we didn't, instead of police, everybody was like, oh, the border patrol is coming and we had to break up the party. Holy shit. Coast guards on their way,

boys. It was like the walking dead. If they also knew where you lived and where you went to high school. That's true. That shit comes back. Like I, I've, I mean, there was that kind of shit would happen at every and where you went to high school that's true that shit comes back like i i've i mean there was that kind of shit would happen at every single party i went to growing up because it was all just rural and like testosterone i saw some dude get clocked with a log that was like as big as it was like a dark sauce weapon it was crazy it took five minutes

to connect dude it was i saw one guy with a wooden ladle. It was nuts, but that happened. So this guy, he broke up with this girl, and he was fucked up about it. So he told his friend, who was much stronger than him, to go beat the shit out of the guy who's dating that girl's new boyfriend. Real wall-puncher behavior. Real wall-puncher shit, and he beat the shit out of this kid, dude. The kid he told to sick on him was very strong and very scrappy beat the shit out of him like like fucked him like his teeth was gone and shit oh and so that kid's brother much stronger much bigger drove a much bigger truck oh shit

oh it was a bigger fish bro he has higher elo he's been grinding dude his elo was insane and we're all hanging out eventually it's just two radiants oh my god it was it was fucking crazy we're hanging out at my friend's house. They just roll up. They roll up, like, three trucks deep. Probably, like, nine or ten guys. They don't know if my friend's parents are home or whatever. But they just knock on the door.

My friend opens the door. They say, sit down. We don't have a problem with you. And they just come in. The guy, Michael, he's in the kitchen. They go up to Michael, and they just beat the shit out of him right in the kitchen, like down, like kicking his ribs. Holy fuck. Just beat the brakes off of him.

And it's like a hit, right? And my friend's just sitting there. I'm sitting there in the living room. I don't have anything to do with this either. And they kind of know that, which was cool. They weren't like looking to like cause trouble. Yeah. They were just looking to get their man.

It looks like a mob hit. Yeah, it was. But they were all like wearing fucking flat brimmed stars and straps hats and white room glasses and uh and they just beat the shit out of this guy michael and uh and they're like yeah sorry man like you know no disrespect to your house but you know we gotta you heard what happened right and my friend's like yeah and they just beat the shit out of them yeah that's Mikey and they leave and they just go and then

cause we had got back to the liquor store that's why I just showed up and then that all happened so we like have all this beer and we're like uh

okay so are we good and we're like Michael you wanna go to the hospital and he's like I'm fine dude I'm fine he didn't go to the hospital

he was loopy all night no one let him sleep cause he might die and he didn't and it the hospital. He was loopy all night. No one let him sleep because he might die. And he didn't, and it was fine. Where are they? That happened a lot. That's just what happens when there's nothing but horse and dirt.

When the hicks get to drinking. When the hicks get to hicking. That's true. All right, well, hey, that's about it, Yardigans, for our episode here. Hope you guys enjoyed our Halloween episode, which was mostly learning about soaking. Yeah. That was a lot of it.

There was a lot. A lot of soaking. And we're going to be soaking with each other on the bonus episode. But you know what's funny? We're actually not going to be... You're going to see us,

and we're not going to be in these costumes. It might... Yeah, it's going to be secret new costumes. But, however, I have something that I was waiting

until this very moment to show you guys. I'll be right back. What? What? Where's he... Where's he going? He's gonna...

Wait. What's going on? I don't... What is that? That is a large item. Oh, my... What the fuck? The painting.

Do you need me to hold something? No. Okay. That'd be helpful. Nobody likes you. I think... Are you going to unveil this? All right, so...

I have this item. This item is something I had specially made. It cost like $600. Holy shit. And it's a giant item. And I'll tell you what it is on the bonus episode, but you got to stay tuned. Whoa!

We can't know about it now? No. Audio listeners, he is a giant, he's a giant square object wrapped up. It looks like a frame. Looks like a frame, yeah.

It's like three feet big, though. Yeah. All right. See you in the bonus, pussies. Hey, see you there. Almost 10K.