The Yard - Ep. 8 - The Stavros Episode

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

This episode the boys are joined by Stavros Halkias, stand-up comedian and funny man over at the Cumtown podcast. Stav recounts smuggling drugs past TSA, the boys talk going on tour, and Slime sends a heinous text message to Ludwig's mom.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Nice. I want to do one. Editor's going to love seeing fucking 80 of these. Probably only need one. We'll fuck ourselves.

Mine was like really good. Let's all just clap. Let's make it impossible to start this podcast. Hey, try syncing this up, pussy. You fucking dumb bitch. Editors don't deserve money. President. Fuck you.

That's true. All they do is sync clips together. Yeah. Do you want to intro us? Yeah, sure. How would you do your intro? Oh, there's no way. We start how we intro yeah this yeah i'm they sing like a nirvana song but it's like dick and balls instead of sure yeah but you can't force it if it comes up i'll do it but i can't do it off

the top but yes hello everyone and welcome to uh i don't even fucking know the name of the podcast I'm only tangentially aware of anyone really in this room right now but you know what I wrote one joke I roasted I roasted your girlfriend and I called you gay in it so you're the guy I know the most I guess honestly you're more qualified

to be his friend than all of us I watched that roast and it was so funny it was like when Mario got put in NBA Street Volume 3. It was just like, there's all these fucking streamers. And they're like, oh, you're like, your dick is small. And everyone's like, oh, shit. And then Stav comes in and he's like, yeah, hey, cutie, I think you'd be better dead. I think if you were dead, that'd be better.

No, that's what I said to the fucking Swedish bitch or whatever the fuck her name was. Judy's also, like, she doesn't go for jokes at all. She'll walk in and be like, you're fucking nobody. She's like so hard. Dude, because I've helped her write jokes, too, and she's just like, so here's a joke that I had, and it's just like, it's just mean.

And I'm like, okay, so you got to make it so it's, like, kind of true, kind of funny. It's just a so it's like she can get away with that though she's good at roasting I watched a couple of roasts and she's got a mean she's got a she's got an energy where she can say something horrific and like get away you believe her too yeah you also you believe her and you're also like I just want this to end I'll laugh so this this mean woman leaves me alone. She's got a look in her eye that's like, I could go in for the kill if I wanted to. Just keeps you honest around here. Yeah, she does it on dates too. She's still talking about how small your dick is, but it's just the two of you.

Come over here waiter. You wouldn't believe this dude get a load of this yeah she's just showing him pictures of your little ass dick on her phone he's got his notepad he's like yeah so like salad or what let me be the one to kind of to be the first to be like

huh you're the only bald guy here all of us have beautiful dude everyone was like oh fuck dude you got this because this happened in like the past couple hours was uh you know stop coming on your head and i was like they're like oh you get another bald guy um yeah i don't know what they're talking and they were like he isn't bald and i'm like yes he is nah dude you fuck it you gotta let your chains go, dude. Free yourself of your bald shackles. I was like you once, bro.

You know how good this feels? You remember this feeling? Stomp looks like the where are they now of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say it's like the... Yeah, I'm you in witness protection. After you've ratted on the pedophilia ring, you guys are running in

the basement here they put me in kansas and they just let me yeah work in a kfc throw your hair out you know i'll tell you about the other three if you keep me safe yeah yeah uh this this all happened why what part of this do you do you know who ludwig right? Why'd you fucking come here? It was funny to do. That's why. Okay. You guys responded. I was like, hey, I'll be in L.A. And when I send out a message like that,

I'm mostly looking to get my little titty sucked by girls. I'm trying to fuck girls. When I say I'm in L.A., I'm like, oh, I'm trying to, you know, I'm just letting some girl who for some reason wants to fuck me, but we've been on the opposite side of the country. No. Hey, show some initiative. You might get this little five and three quarters all up in you. You know what I'm saying?

That's respectable. I feel like that was clear from the photo you posted with it. Exactly. And then look, if a podcast is going to fucking fall on my lap and especially one where I don't know the guys at all and it's funny to just show up and be disrespectful and not understand what's going on. Why not? Right now I'd be in the Airbnb

beating off. You know what I mean? Just doing nothing else. And I will still be doing that. Well at the end you can pick one of us to fuck. That was my understanding. That's the fair question. That's the yard gift bag dude. That's the agreement. That's the yard gift bag, dude. Well, yeah, I'm glad we could be your plan B and consider us the...

It's not you, by the way. I'm not picking you. Which is weird because we all talked about fucking each other last time and we all picked him. Yeah, we all picked him. We also all picked killing him. But they fucked me to prevent further damage to other situations. I was a preventative measure. Well, you also can't fuck me as shingles.

That's true. You know that disease that old pirates have? That's scurvy. He got that. You're thinking of scurvy. I have plenty of vitamin C, thank you. Yeah, dude, I don't know. It's between you two who i'm gonna fuck okay

maybe the best man win yeah yeah how we're gonna do this is you're both gonna take turns sucking my cock whoever does the best job gets penetrated i'm gonna go papa rico a lot and i'm gonna get i love it dude may i ask how many have has that happened a lot so I'm not as familiar with you as all the other guys I don't I haven't listened to like a lot

you don't have to be at all dude I don't know who you are at all yeah that's great right we're just meeting each other as like bald people no now that now you took it

one step too far you guys are like on the same like pedophile forum you're like acting like you've never met this is the first time it's so weird we get along so well yeah we've been doing crimes for years together we're each other's accomplices both

of them have tore on their laptop how does that happen before like you you put out the the back bat signal of your cock and balls and some some woman is just like yes finally and oh yeah dude it's like yeah this is like the perk right oh yeah it's hilarious that's the one thing that happens where it's like it's so funny that any even smidge of fame you will get your dick sucked it's so it's so it just becomes so easy it's like i'm not famous i have a podcast i also am like you know just like i'm a comedian it's like yeah women will just people will fuck anyone that's famous like think of anyone you know from anything that guy has gotten pussy from it do you know what i mean our last episode we were looking at the analytics and

there's like spikes and views at very specific points and we're like what happened in these moments every single one was when hasan was on screen we were just we just talked about him and brought a picture up it's crazy and it was the most viewed of our highest view and i was like it's like they have a second monitor they drag it to the main one you want me to take some tea you want me to bring my titties yeah yeah that's great yeah let's see if it spikes right now i'm gonna put them away in about 10 seconds right now this is gonna be a sick thumbnail like a nice little salami showcase

every audio listener just switch to YouTube I have a question for you so in in your stand up I've watched one bit of stand up

that you've done that was the first I'd heard of you I watched stand up of you like two years ago it just popped up on like YouTube

recommended and you have this bit in there where you're like people won't fuck you if you're missing a tooth and fat are fat and you got to pick between fat bald or toothless yeah yeah you have to pick one and if i see you have the tooth now i do have the tooth yeah you know what it was a little that's the thing it's it's also that's the funniest thing about that joke is that like yeah that makes sense but in reality the toothless years

of my life were the best you got the most pussy I've got so much pussy it's insane what do you think he comes back to LA hooks up with the same girl

she's like it's not the same and I used to have for a while I had like a fake one like a little like flipper and that was very unruly

to eat pussy with that thing that thing would pop out and eat woman like you fucking flip a switch and it just like comes down comes out i wish it was that technology it's literally just a fucking little plastic shit that you hook into your teeth but it's like of course i was gonna lose that yeah i lost my real tooth no i'm gonna lose a little fake plastic one my friend Caleb had that in school

it was like we'd be like Caleb do the thing do the thing cause he had his lost front tooth and he's like and it just comes out

and he showed us we're like so I can imagine well Caleb I don't think had ever eaten pussy maybe he hasn't to this day

oh you don't know about Caleb I can imagine what were his vibes did he have like pussy eating vibes no that's the thing he had vibes that were his vibes? Did he have like pussy eating vibes? No, that's the thing. He had vibes that were antithesis to eating pussy.

Like dick sucking vibes? He was like a very ogre-ish man. One time he called us up and he's like. He wasn't sensual is what you're saying. He was. I thought he was sensual. He wore all black Lamb of God t-shirts. Oh, shit.

And he would call us up and ask us to smoke him out. And then we'd say no. Oh, wow. And he'd be like, okay. And then hang up the phone. I respect that, though. You gotta ask for what you want. You know what I mean?

But I don't think if he asked us, for instance, hey, guys, can I eat your pussy? We would have said yes. Right, right. He needs a little more finesse. I see what you're saying. Caleb sounds like more of a just really pound a bitch type of guy. He doesn't seem like he's foreplaying too much.

He's throwing on Lamb of God and he's fucking to the tempo. Yeah, he is. This aligns with the whole ogre-ish archetype. I'll track him down and let him know all the things. Can you ask him if he eats mushrooms? You will do this. You track down a girl in the third grade that spoiled 9-11. Sixth grade.

Spoiled it? She spoiled it. I think actually the terrorist spoiled 9-11. No, no, no. I think it was Saudi Arabia. They were fine.

Basically, our teacher brings us into the homeroom and everyone's like, you know, it's a grave. We don't know what's going on because it's like sixth grade.

There's no like phones or internet or anything. I was seventh grade. Same age, basically. Thank God you. I was seventh grade, same age, basically. Thank God you're so old. And, you know, our teacher's about to tell us everything that happened. And then this girl, Lauren, raises her hand and said, did terrorists attack the World Trade Center? And she just stepped on the moment, right?

He didn't get to break the news. That's what I'm saying, right? So I find her and I'm like, I message her. I say, hey, you kind of ruined 9-11. She's fine about it. The terrorists popularized 9-11, but she ruined it. They weren't great. Let's just get that clear, but you fucked it up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stole their moment. All those guys spending all that time in flight school and not going over landing, you completely stole it from them. That is a quicker way to learn how to fly a plane if you don't have to do that part right yeah that's like a huge part of it they literally were like we don't need to do that like and no one at the flying school was like oh okay cool no one was like hey maybe like maybe you should learn how to land i'm actually cool learning only this 60 percent of the course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, is there like a part of flight school that teaches you how to use a box cutter on a passenger? Because I'd like a fresher on that too, but landing I'll skip completely. In case I break a package on or whatever. It's like a whole zip tie section. Yeah, they could use that. What I love about those guys is that they almost didn't do 9-11 because they were in Florida going to flight school and going to strip clubs and getting pussy. And they were like, damn, this is pretty sick.

But then the problem is, then I guess in your mind, you're just like, well, I guess heaven is just going to be me getting to get way more pussy. If you do think heaven is just more of the Miami strip club, infinite pussy glitch, they call it. And I don't need to spend any money. It's like big head load in Spider-Man 2. It's not.

The thing is, though, it's only 42, right? No, it's 72. It's 70. Only 72? What I'm saying is, like, that's funny. Like, they have probably ran through all of them already. I see what you do at night. It's not 73 women.

I like, by the way, that you do think night it's not 73 women i i like i like by the way that you do think that they got into heaven for 9-11 they're like of course as we all agree their heroic act was rewarded god's like brothers you saw the vision that shit was crazy come on in do you think they they have like a normal normal academic experience where they're like in a strip club on like a Saturday night, but they're just really worried about their exam on Monday? Yeah, yeah. Like 9-11 is the next day? Yeah.

And they're like doing coke and being like, I don't know, bro. Baby, why aren't you into this? They had to do the practice 9-11. They had the flight simulation 9-11 the next day. They're like, dude, I bombed it. I didn't even hit this fucking plane. I didn't even hit the tower. I'm really worried I'm going to land this plane.

I'm going to end up in the East River. I can feel it. I'm off today. Let's give it to Captain Sully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to accidentally become Sully. What if Sully was trying to do 9-11? Sully was trying to do 9-11 2.0.

He would have landed on top of the building. That would have been fucking sick. Yeah, what if you accidentally land the flight? And it's like, oh, fuck. You just become a pilot now. Yeah. Then you just have to go back home and, like, be ashamed. Yeah.

You get no heavenly pussy whatsoever. Before we get too far from it, how did you lose your tooth? I literally, it was, I do a bit about it too. Like, that's the one thing that I have online right now is this Comedy Central thing I did. But I lost it literally. The last straw was eating a chicken wing. It cracked. And I really felt like I was letting down fat people everywhere.

You know what I mean? Because it's like, that's what, like, any, what any asshole that doesn't like fat people will be like, oh, let me guess, you fucking cracked it on a chicken wing. And it's like, you know what? You got me just by probability. Yes, it was a chicken wing. But yeah, dude, I cracked that shit on a chicken wing. And I just, I also, I fit, they were really good wings.

And so I did finish the last eight. But I did it by, like, ripping them off. You kept going? Tossing pieces on the left side and kind of, like, chewing with my left. You're braver than the Marines, bro. Bro, they were fucking... They were honestly good. You're braver than my craft stance.

I also have a fake tooth. Really? So we have, like, a brotherhood. Yeah, this one's fake. How'd you crack it? Well, I was dropping it on a skateboard, which is slightly cooler. That's the same thing as eating a chicken wing. Yeah, I guess it's about the same.

I don't want to steal your valor. Did you like have the tooth like on the side of the plate just sitting there while you were finishing the other eight wings? No, it was like cracked. It didn't come out. It was just like kind of shit. And for like, I have a very like, ah, we don't need to go to the fucking doctor. We'll figure,

we'll let it, we'll let this one ride. You know? That's crazy that that's your first reaction to that. I'll be like, ah,

well this'll be, this'll be good in a couple days. That tooth fairy broad will come. That tooth will just grow back. The body is resilient, you know?

Especially when you're, and at the time, I was like not living a healthy lifestyle. At the time, it was way, it was a lot of chicken wings, a lot of getting fucked up at the time I was like not living A healthy lifestyle At the time It was way It was a lot of chicken wings A lot of getting fucked up Constantly

And I was like Nah I'll bounce back And I waited like four days And I was like Hmm This excruciating pain Is not going away And so I just went to like

A fucking random dentist A friend of A friend's like Uncle And this fucking guy Just like You'd think Dentist Dentistry will have evolved Where it's like A fucking Your fucking guy just like you'd think dentist dentistry will have evolved

where it's like a fucking your tooth comes out and they have like oh well yeah we'll get that no problem we'll have like some fucking tool this fucking guy literally just had pliers and he just and then the worst part is the front of my tooth that was like that got cracked like fell off right away so the the back oh god so this fucking cocksucker's got his like knee on my chest and he's like oh if he had degraded me maybe i would have come yeah thank you fat little pig you love wings don't you you love them so much

You'll fuck up your teeth Yes daddy I do Do you do checkups now Are you like I'm just Yeah I'm I now I have

Now I I've also It's so pathetic I just like didn't brush my teeth When I was like For years So I was like And it's

That's one of those things You can't really like Brag about When people are like When you You can't When you're 30 You can't be yeah, actually, what did I do in my 30s? I started brushing my teeth. Tyler's so cool.

That guy has no hygiene. No one is impressed. But honestly, it took some time. But, yeah, now I'm all in there, dude. I'm going to the dentist. I'm getting my shit cleaned. You know what I'm saying? That was cutie.

She was like, yeah, I didn't brush my teeth for like first 15 years yeah what did she grow up trash as well she grew up in the ghetto yeah yeah yeah no exactly i i grew up yeah like a shitty neighborhood i grew up in like greek town in baltimore i was like 13 my mom stopped brushing my teeth for me yeah it was fucking hard i stopped doing the breastfeeding where's my protein yeah it seems yeah what are you like is your family like it seems like you guys like royalty that's been excommunicated you know it seems like it seems like your your family's been like it was like kicked out of like the royal court somewhere my my mom well they're there but my mom and dad are both software engineers who like immigrated to America. And immigrant families who are software engineers

are just the biggest c*** in the world. Yeah, see, I've experienced that. My parents are c***. It's more like... No, I'm trying to say like... You said your mom was a c***. She's a sweetheart. Hold up, mom. She actually listens now.

You said your mom and your dead dad were both You can only say sorry to one So fucking go ahead I'm only saying sorry to my dad mom Your dad is in hell right now Hearing about being a terrorist He's getting pussy with a terrorist

He made him a little app To keep track of when the planes were going to get there. They're incredibly competitive, like with other immigrants. Yeah, I know what you're saying. That's like, we'd go over to the house and they'd be flexing what they're doing, what their kids are doing. Totally, totally. It's always just a brag off. No, I experienced that, but from the broke ass perspective, where it's like, I'm an immigrant of some of like a guy who just like you

know my dad is just like a carpenter and my mom was like you know she would like repair rugs and shit but it's like in in the in greektown it 100 is like that where it's like they're like oh yeah they just have like these it's like a guy who doesn't they live with their moms but they have like the nicest cars it's like a 34 year old man who's like yeah i just got a brand new bmw and it's like my mom still does my laundry that's actually flex too yeah yeah yeah they these are the guys that will not they won't they go straight from their mom doing all their shit to their wife doing all this shit it's a very like uh seamless transition it's like greek it's like greek people they they live like their ancestors lived in like the 40s they haven't greek town has not changed yeah they got their boy slave in the basement

yeah you gotta have your yeah you know the boys for fun your wife is your obligation that's right that's ancient greek style they used to just fuck it's so funny this is some pleasure exactly i've been reading so much ancient shit and it's like about mythology and shit and they literally would just like fuck boys they were about it it was like that was their move and not only that

and it's like and it was like if you were like young you could fuck each you and your boys could fuck each other in the ass but if you became a man and you let someone fuck you in the ass they're like

what are you a fucking little kid they didn't even think it was gay they were like you're being fucking childish getting fucked in the ass right now you gotta grow up you're being fucking childish. Getting fucked in the ass right now. You gotta grow up. You gotta grow up and start fucking boys in the ass. You're not the boy anymore, all right?

Dude, mythology's so fucked. Zeus was such a fucking asshole. He would like fuck women and then they'd be like, because he'd fuck them as like an eagle. Yeah, he'd be a cow. With his eagle cock. And then they'd be like, let me see the real you. And then it would kill them.

Like if you saw his real face, you'd just burn them alive. And then he'd leave and fuck someone else as, like, a boar. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he had it figured out, dude. He had a lot of fucking, all the half-gods was just Zeus getting side pussy. Which tells you a lot about the Greek mindset, where their, like, biggest god was just a guy constantly cheating on his wife. That's one of the most time-honored, valued traditions in Greek life, going back 6,000 years.

How do you grow up Greek and learn any different when the biggest chads in your lore are fucking thousands of years? This is the god we look up to. I'm just doing what God did. Yeah, and it's so funny because his wife Hera was like it was literally just a sitcom Greek mythology

was just a sitcom she's like the bitchy wife with the rolling pin and shit she's mad you know she hit Zeus over the head

with a fucking rolling pin because he got some fucking island pussy she was like shocked every time it was like Scooby Doo every time like no

are you kidding me Zeus you piece of shit he's coming home with with feathers in his underwear. The fuck is this? His dick was still half peacock. He hadn't changed it back yet. Yeah, dude. And she would just kill his offspring

any time she found out about some side pussy. It was wild, dude. It's actually crazy that the Greek people are kind of not doing that shit. Maybe it's like laws and current day. What do you mean? Well, I'm just saying

it's not like killing their offspring. More like, yeah, like you basically have sex with a stranger and then you kill them and then you come home and you're like,

what? I was out late. Oh, by the way, what did I say? No, we don't, I think everything but the murder is still going on

quite a bit. That's respectable. Yeah. Yeah. All right. This might be racist. Do you like Percy Jackson? I missed Percy.

I was too old for Percy. Did you? I guess that, yeah, you would have been like 20. I was, yeah. Yeah. It was, I know there was some fucking, the Greek shit in the, the Greek shit in like the zeitgeist that I caught was like, cause I'm, my name's Todd Russ. Obviously it was like, we were cause I'm, my name's Stavros. Obviously it was like,

we were talking about full house before the podcast. Uh, uncle Jesse had a cousin named a cousin Stavros. That was just John Stamos with a fake nose and a big ass mustache. That was big for me as a little ass kid. That's all you get. I was five and I, yeah,

I had that guy. And then I don't, you also had Danny DeVito's character in Hercules. No's just my vibe his name wasn't stop rose when i was in high school yeah when i was in high school at this girl's house and uh her dad was always really cool and i hang out with all of us and i was like hey where's your dad she's like oh he's upstairs with a friend i'm like oh okay and i can hear music kind of coming through the floor yes i love i hear music like coming through the floor and i'm like oh it's floor, and I'm like, oh, they're just playing music or whatever. And then her dad and his friend come down,

and it's John Stamos. That's his friend. Dude, I thought... Yeah, shout out. Shout out to the man. And I was like, wait, that's fucking John Stamos. She's like, oh, yeah. Like, my dad works at the Disney band,

and that's... And he hooks up with John Stamos. My dad's fucking John Stamos. I thought for sure your friend's dad was getting pussy upstairs while you guys were playing GameCube. He was being a child and fucking John Stamos' ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a very childlike, a sense of wonder still.

How old are you? I'm 32. I'm 31. Damn. You're old. you? I'm 32. I'm 31. Damn. You're old. It's fucked up because I'm the oldest in my friend group by almost, I think, 40 years. I beat him by like eight years.

Yeah, yeah. And it sucks. And I'm just like, are the people you surround yourself with your age, or are they younger or older? It's a fucking, because that's the thing. It's like, I mean, you're in like, this is like is like the streaming world right there's like babies run this shit right where it's like everyone but like stand-up comedy is weird because it's like you have friends that are like because that's where i that it's so funny that like our podcast blew up and it's like i've kind of have

this like weird internet niche fame because i'm not a fucking i don't i'm just a dumb ass i'm a horny dumb ass that started doing stand-up at like 18 to get pussy and it's like i'm very much i very much have those greek values right and it's classic and and so all i did all the only thing i've ever worked on is stand-up and that's a world where it's like bro you I you know I had friends that were like 48 year old like divorced men I had like what you know when I was like 19 you know like those yeah those were my guys were just like hanging out with the with the I had like you know old men that live with their moms there's also like there's like a little kid that was doing stand-up that you would chill with sometimes it was like all over. I was walking from home from the bus stop.

I was like nine years old, and a dude legit drives up next to me. I'm walking home, and I remember he was like a white guy with glasses, and he holds a box of Whoppers. It came in a carton. He's like, hey, you want some Whoppers? And he literally shook the box, and it made a sound. And I was like, I was a little kid,

but I had been told by Barney and shit to not go into strangers' cars. I thought it was so obvious that I was a little kid, but I, you know, been told by Barney and shit to not go into strangers' cars. I thought it was so obvious that it was a test. And I was like, no, I'm good. Bro, I'm not going to fuck you for some malt candy. I was going to say, what if they were good candy? Well, that's what I'm saying. I wanted the Whoppers so bad.

Really? Dude, you were a Whoppers guy. Whoppers are shit. He's from Colorado. They're all fucked up. If I hadn't watched Barney and shit and, like, been told not to do that, I might have done that, right? Wow. walk home i tell my mom i was like yeah guy asked me to get in his car with candy but i knew it was just a trap mom yeah i literally

thought it was like a setup because it was so obvious and she was like what did he look like i thought about this the other day i'm like that guy would have fucking killed me he brought this up the other day because we were driving home together and we're going through our neighborhood, which has like a hill in it. And this kid has he's just like a tiny kid backpack on and it's so hot outside. So he's just like marching up this hill and we just drive past him. And Anthony's like, dude, I want to ask that kid out for like. to ask that kid out for a ride.

Oh, come on, man. I'm seen. I wanted to ask that kid if he needed a ride, but it's just a bad look. It's just a bad look. They ruined that. And then he goes, and they ruin it. They want a ride and pop the trunk. It's fun, dude.

It would be nice to be able to just throw a ball around with a little kid at the park, but you can't do that. Yeah, but it's just weird. Especially when you look like I do. You got a you got a little mustache if i was a parent you'd be the last dude and it's like i'm good with kids like my friends who have kids it's always fun but it's like i can't do it there's a non-zero chance there's like a flyer for a pedophile in that park that kind of looks happy yeah like you gotta be fucking careful it is is. My life, what I've done is I've tried to look as stupid as possible and still persevere,

but I know I'm pushing the limits right now. I know that I'm close. There's a little too much. The Venn diagram between me and a lot of pedophiles, that center part of the Venn diagram is a little too thick for me right now. You're definitely starting to tell the lie when you're hanging out with kids you don't know. Yeah.

Well, it's like, you know, I mean, I'm not doing that, by the way. I don't know yeah well it's like you know i mean i'm not doing that by the way i don't know you said that like everyone knows all that shit all that shit before i would like to sit off the podcast because we all do that so this reminds me actually so there was a podcast let's do a long long time ago and it's about this guy he he was a guest on he talked about how he worked for poly shore his personal assistant for poly shore it's like 10 years ago and we'd go on myspace for poly shore on his account and he would basically have girls talk to him and then come over to his house and then set them up with poly shore and they'd fuck wow poly shore didn't even do the leg work right exactly hired someone to outsource him that guy's name tom yeah and so i'm wondering if like, you know, this is, he's been old for a while, but he's still doing that thing.

When do you think it runs out, right? And you're obviously, you know, doing your own farm to table, you know, bat signal. Yeah, let me say this, girls. If you're in my DMs and I'm saying stuff like, damn, those titties look delicious, that's coming from me. It's not my assistant letting you know your titties look scrumptious i'm the one i'm the one who wants them in my mouth it's not my intern farm to table that's respectable yeah um is the question the question i guess is you know does it end ever or do you think you can kind of ride it as long as your things are a thing i definitely

it should end right like i bet axl rose is fucking right now like right but but i don't know man because i've thought about this too it's like at a certain like look paulie shore is a great example do i want to be paulie shore like it's like you know what i mean you're like a you're still like you're 50 and it's like people remember you from shit that was like 30 years ago and you're still trying to fuck like girls at this point girls are like half your that's it's kind of remember you from shit that was like 30 years ago and you're still trying to fuck like girls. At this point, girls are like half your age. It's kind of pathetic.

Especially, you don't even talk to them. You do at the intern do it, yeah. You're basically just beating off into a stranger's body. Like, I don't know, man. I want a little more. Call me old-fashioned. I want a little more romance. Again, the traditional Greek value.

You get out there, you do your own work. I thought about how that dude called himself the situation. And like, I was just laying in bed the other night. I thought about that. And I started laughing out loud. It worked. What's crazy is that it worked. And my dick was in my hand, but it was unrelated.

I was already beating off. But I was like, damn, he called himself the situation. That is Jim Tan laundry. That was a good bit. Listen, that guy had a run too but yeah it's also like i mean could it continue yeah i guess but it's like there's a point yeah it's like i'm seinfeld got away with it late yeah that's true that like an 18 year old she's like in high school yeah that's the really that's the wildest part of all yeah picking her up from

school and shit and then it's shit. I was coming straight. Shouldn't his friends, like, were there double dates with the child? That's a good question. Like, was George, was Jason Alexander like, oh, how's algebra going? You know what I mean? I think that's like a Kramer-only double date. Yeah, Kramer's very European.

You're right. They just go walk around the mall they gotta go in every pack son the only person he could take on a double date is michael richards in character he's like i need you this guy's crazy you know well yeah you got it that's the thing where it's like yeah you could do it forever but then it's like you got to cut yourself off because you don't want to be like you don't yourself off because you don't want to be like – You don't want to be that guy. You don't want to be like a fucking disgusting like 40-year-old fucking guy. Speak for yourself, bro. That's my pinnacle.

I'm trying to get there. Yeah, I don't know, man. I could see myself switching up and going dad mode. Do you think about it a lot? Like the sort of existential like what's next? What's in 10 years, 20? Yeah, I actually fucking do, unfortunately. That's the worst part is that my brain has started like thinking like i'm like you're a little you're

a little aware of your mortality and you're like i think about the void yeah the void yeah because that's the thing it's like you know you part of part of being like wanting to be a performer and wanting attention all the time and all this shit is like when i was younger it's like you don't get you know especially from girls it's like i was like nervous and shit and it's like a lot of trying to get pussy when you're like in your late 20s and on is like i'm gonna prove that high school me wasn't gay you know what i mean mom was wrong and then and then you get enough pussy you're like oh there's that's never happened high school me was a fucking loser I didn't get pussy I can never I'm not

I can't send my looper back with knowledge of what pussy tastes like you're not even using Facebook anymore but you're changing your relationship status so everyone knows

so at a certain point you're just like alright well this is cool and listen don't get me wrong I love I love busting I love sucking on

a new pair of titties that's your god given right you know but at the same time you want some eventually something you know deeper and more meaningful

at some point but listen I'm on tour right now it ain't right now it's not right now exactly so listen go to estavi.biz

slash tour check out where I'm headed I'm headed I'm going to all these cities we're going to fucking Salt Lake City if you're a if you're a

a Mormon girl who's lapsed in her faith and you want to really stick it to your parents by fucking some fat comedian, I'm your guy. I'm at Wise Guys next weekend. Go to stop.biz or also you can email intern at fuckplanet.net. Why.biz?

Because it was funny. You got to scroll so low on GoDaddy when you want.com and it suggests 40 others. You want.store. You find out new things. They got a lot of different ones right now. How's tour been? It's been fucking sick, dude. That's the thing.

I love this shit because it's like you don't have to do anything. You don't have to think. You don't have to like – all you have to do is like go, like do a show. That's your only responsibility every day is like just be funny on stage. You don't have to worry about like, you know, bullshit. You don't have to worry about like fucking chores or anything like that. Your life is just like. That's true, yeah.

Your life is just like, and it's really easy to have too good a time, which I have been doing. Like I was pretty healthy before this. And then it's like one week before this and then it's like, one, one week on tour and it's like, yeah, I think I'm having edibles for breakfast. I think I'm having sleep for dinner,

edibles for breakfast. I think I'm having edibles for breakfast. I think I'm having a $90 dumpling lunch. I think I'm going to sleep it off, have a cold brew right before the shows, stay up all night trying to fuck one to four of this group of friends that I would have with

afterwards. Succeeding. You can run to four people in one night? I would have liked... A lot of B vitamins. I would like to get in there. The dream...

Okay, before I hang it up to your past question about like... Before I hang it up. Before I hang up my numbers in the rafters my pussy eating goggles what if i just fucking had a bib before i was like it's got your face on it

it's in women's locker rooms everywhere you should have seen him suck a titty that would have been sick dude i would like to my dream and i don't know if i'll achieve it but i would like to do the lou williams move of having two girlfriends that are friends with each other and you guys all just kind of hang out all the time you guys know lou will the fucking basketball player no no there's a drake line oh yeah like a little will yeah that's that's from that's a real story where this lou williams awesome basketball player. He fucking rocks.

He just had two girlfriends and it wasn't like he was dating two women at the time. It was like they would go to dinner together and they would just like, they would all hang out. That's why he said two chicks like Lou Will. Exactly. I get it now. And he was like public about it. Very public.

They were all friends and Lou fucking rocks. I would, that's my dream. You know, just, that's what I'm if as if I keep living life as a horny little slut as a fat little slut that's what I'm trying to get to

well look you're gonna go to Utah soon right Utah hey that is polyamorous you got that shit polygamy you're right that shit's coming your way

oh wow I gotta fucking I gotta hopefully get me with a couple Romneys maybe I can I can get sucked off by two of Mitch's nieces

get him some real money that's the example of the worst like guy he would be so mad at his wife exactly dude if you are a lapsed Romney

if you're a Romney that wants to piss off your Republican fucking uncle and you have a hot cousin who is also watching this podcast. Who loves the yard.

Imagine Romney just like enjoying it up till this point. He's like, hey, cool. Boys, settle down. You never know what celebrities kids watch it. Because I looked at an Instapick of Tom Brady posted for his son. He's 14. He's like a white kid. He's like fucking looks like me. I was like, that's my market.

I've made so many Tom brady kissing that guy jokes it all happened last week it was dream and fucking ted cruz bro this is real did you hear about that ted cruz uh his daughters watch dream the minecraft minecraft guy and now and then he tweeted at them oh he was like my daughters want to say hi so Oh, Ted Cruz tweeted. Ted Cruz, yeah. Did they say, go fuck yourself, Ted Cruz? No, they're pussies. Everyone was a pussy about it. No one would, like, say it.

Like, you know that, what is it, Tyler, the Creator and, like, Taco, I think, and they take a picture with Donald Trump, and it's just, like, took a picture with, like, Donald Trump, like, took a picture with two fans, and they're just, like, they're obviously fucking with him. There was a big opportunity for that with the minecraft guys the junk on ted cruz is a piece of shit there's no way around that it's an easy dunk it's like yeah i think he's

scared though what was he was he the pokey killer what was he again zodiac that was awesome and the butter cow guy i don't think what what's that He took a picture of this museum thing, which is a cow made of butter. And he's like, my daughter loves butter. Her first words were butter. And it's him, he's all sweaty, and he's like smiling in front of it. You're so fucking weird, dude. No, he stinks. And the funniest Ted Cruz thing is just how one of the funniest like, whatever you want to say about Trump, one of the funniest

owns of all time was being in a political debate and being like, your wife is ugly. It was crazy. He was like, Ted, your wife is a fucking dog, bro. Who cares what you have to say? Yeah, that's how you win the hearts of the American people

is to just shit on somebody's wife. Just like Zeus would. And then everybody was like, he just tells it like it is. Time is a flat circle. He was like, your wife has some of the most disgusting pussy of all time and your dad killed JFK. It's like the black and white audience stand up.

Her pussy is trash. That's the thing. He could have said that verbatim and then they all would have stood up and clapped still. I would love to hear him say her pussy is trash That's the thing He could have said that verbatim And then they all would have stood up and clapped I would love to hear him say her pussy's trash Is he on Cameo? Well that was last week That was our political posit

Which we don't do too much of But it was an important one Where do you think in 2016 Bernie, he runs, right? But the difference is that he has He runs against Hillary Yeah, he runs against Hillary What do you think in 2016 Bernie he runs right? But the difference is that he has. He runs against Hillary. Yeah he runs against Hillary. What do you mean? In the Democratic. Bernie and Hillary are against

each other for the Democratic. Like they were. Which is what happened. However Bernie has a breathtaking pussy. You mean he shows his pussy. Bernie shows the world that he has the most beautiful. Can I be honest? If he had a pussy it would probably be pretty good. Yeah that's what I'm saying. I'm saying he drops trowel can i be honest if he had a pussy it'd probably be pretty good yeah that guy i'm saying i'm saying he drops trowel and you go yeah that kind of pussy does

he get more of the women vote than hillary does he beat hillary because of jealousy because they look at that they look at that beautiful pussy they're already on the fence because they you know they don't they want to vote for hill and everything, but it's like, no. Because you know, Hillary's pussy's trash. So if all things are equal... You saw what Bill did. Men can't win again. So you're saying the women are all like, it's actually not that pretty. And just dropping their ballot.

And here's the other thing. You'd think he'd get the woman vote, but I think if Bernie still identifies as a man and he happens to have a pussy, I don't think he gets the woman vote. The pussy's too pretty. I think it's not... Listen, I would love nothing more. I'm a big Bernie guy. I would love for this to be able

to... I would love for Bernie to have a pussy. Don't get me wrong, fellas. I would love him to have the kind of pussy that wins in the 2016 election. This is such an artistic backpedal. You know what? I actually think you need to use a bigger grassroots movement. So, yeah, sorry.

I keep popping up with questions because I'm so lost. But how do you know Hasan? Dude, honestly, I just knew Hasan from, like, before he was streaming, before anything. We were just, like, friends on Twitter. I literally remember that motherfucker from his, like, Young Turk videos. Because I was also, like, in my college days, I was actually, like, a pretty political guy. But then I decided, like, I'm getting stupid. I've been getting dumber every year for the last 13 years.

But, yeah, I knew him from that shit and we were just kind of Twitter friends and then this motherfucker just kind of starts streaming on a lark and then he just becomes humongous. It's pretty hilarious. I always liked what he did with those videos and then

it's a funny thing to be friends with a Turkish guy when I'm Greek. It's like ancient. We have ancient rivals. There's a funny thing to have, like, to be friends with a Turkish guy when I'm Greek. You know, it's like ancient. We have ancient rivals. Oh, there's huge beef. There's huge beef. The Ottoman Empire. There's a street interview video. He's our geography guy.

He's our geography guy. They're just going to people in Turkey on the street, and they're like, what country do you hate the most? Almost all of them say Greece. Yeah. Yeah. And they're just, I fucking hate Greeks. And my camera guy, like, dabs them up like, good shit, brother. Well, they fucked our asses with the Ottoman Empire, and then we got them.

1821, baby. Fuck you. Get on the fucking wall. March 25th, 1821. Suck my fucking dick, the Ottoman Empire. We got their asses with the Greek Revolution. Literally 200 years ago, fuck these guys. Well, you started it, right?

Alexander the Great. No, he wasn't. He fucking rolled through Turkey. Yeah, but that's so long ago. He was my age and he rolled through Turkey. I guess it wasn't

fucking wild. Yeah, but that guy was overrated. Oh, shit. Damn, fucking take that back, dude. Okay, so you guys break bread

and you have a strong alliance. Yeah, we're just I was just like one of those things where I was like, yeah, this guy's, I fuck with him. It's like we were across the.

One of the good. We were across the country. One of the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That's one of the Turks I'll allow in my home. No, dude, you know what's fun? To show you what kind of villagers, like, the people I grew up around are, like, how dumb these Greek people are. Like you're in Minecraft.

Literally, dude, because because my so one of my best friends i have one of my best friends is albanian right and like in greece albanian people are treated like fucking second class citizens like they're really racist towards them and they have like kind of the way you would say it's sort of analogous to like what how a racist person sees like people coming in from south america or like like Mexico where it's like you come across the border illegally for work. That's basically the thing. My other friend is this kid. I won't say his name, but his dad is like literally just some fucking trash Greek guy.

And he would not allow. We were three best friends. We were inseparable. We hung out all the time, sleep over, all this shit. He would literally not allow the Albanian Child in his home He was like You guys

You guys can hang out Outside He was like He was like He would like bring him He would like sneak him water Like make Make a mud puddle

In the yard You guys could go Lay in that Well so he said Not on these Hallowed fucking grounds Yeah yeah exactly not in this shitty fucking eighty thousand dollar home that i have to drink 16 cores lights in um i was watching this fucking documentary about uh about just like greek politics like two weeks ago and it's about

how this like nazi party rises to power and they're like recounting these things and then they start saying the years that these are happening in and it's like 2016 yeah yeah there was like there's like a big i mean europe is fucking is fucked up because it's like there's still i mean here too it's like uh but it's like they because it's like that representative democracy shit it's like even like us if you get like three percent or four percent or whatever the vote you get to be in parliament yeah you get your party in and there's enough fucking rate like if that's how it was here there would be a fucking kkk party that had like six percent of the vote they're just like guaranteed representation even the smallest fraction yeah but those i think those guys have been like you know no they all got like tried

and yeah yeah one dude's like on the run and shit it's crazy yeah he like slapped one of these guys slapped a woman on television this video is crazy zipper you can you can pull this up but he's like the leader of the political party yeah and he's on like a talk show on an on a news show and in the middle of it he just gets upset and he whips the one woman on the panel in the face. He slaps the woman in the face. And then they just pull him off the show. They're like, ah, come on, buddy.

He stayed the leader of the party for like the next three years. Like nothing happened. That's crazy. The fascists weren't like, hey, come on, man. Respect women more. They were like, hey, like Zeus. Did he kind of like observe a bunch of people and he was like, her. Like, you know.

I think she was just probably. They were beefing on the show. She's like going back and forth with them. He's like a random person in the audience. I can't take this anymore. That's how they shake hands there. Okay, here it is. This shit is crazy.

Holy shit. Wait. Oh, my God. I'm like, what the hell? He uses both hands. She tanked it. May I say, she tanked that.

She took it like a champ. She was like, I can't. Charlie watched those slap fight videos. Yeah, yeah. She fucking crushed us. Shout out to her.

These guys go on to like orchestrate a bunch of killings of immigrants. Hell. Yeah. And they were found guilty. They're found guilty of murder.

They didn't get prosecuted until they killed a Greek person. Jesus Christ. This went on for years and then they finally go too far and kill a Greek person instead of an immigrant and then they all get tried and kicked out of an apartment.

That's so fucking embarrassing dude. This is happening in a bunch of places in Come on why you gotta say this in front of me dude. This is happening in a bunch of places in

Europe. Europe is fucked right now. Europe is all fucked. There's a giant German like coup planned. Damn. There's a bunch of

people in Germany were planning a coup on the government. Really? Yeah. It was like ex-military people because a lot of the military people are

still like Nazis. Are they doing this on Twitter? Is it like everyone just knows? They have like meetings that they were going to. Yeah, they go to the McDonald's. In the meetings,

they were getting more and more radical. I think you just ambiguously organize under like the guise of something, right? Until you actually start doing fucked up shit. Hey, guys like Yu-Gi-Oh! What about like not the black people? I mean, it's like a bunch of races hanging out and it's like sketch comedy.

They keep having to like escalate. And so like the first meeting's chill but by the fifth meeting they're like we gotta get a little more good yeah they're yes ending into genocide yeah that's like unironically the the h-hand pipeline like oh you like watching full metal alchemist and then like and three years later you're typing like let's go on a manifesto click this link to watch a guy get his head cut off and all of that

could be avoided if they got some pussy that is really the fucking that's the worst part of all of this is like it is like so

based where it's like I guarantee you we could fucking we could put we could we just need strategically to get a couple of these guys some pussy here and there it would be nice to do has any streamer ever done like uh you find

some guy it's like queer eye but it's just like not just like turn a guy normal you find you go to hn you find the guy who's like the most fucking, he's like this guy. Here's Tim's manifesto. We're going to throw him in a strip bar in Miami and see if we can't fuck this hate out of him. Exactly. They hand him like one button up from H&M and just be like, just put this on. Get this guy a haircut.

Let's fucking, let's get his fucking name. He's probably got fucked up cuticles. You know what I mean? Let's give him a manicure. Let's just fucking get this guy into some khakis and just see what happens. He throws his trench coat away. He's like, yeah, I just sucked on some titties. And I just...

100%. 100%. The talking head after. I don't know. I was crazy. I don't know what I was thinking. Let's get thrift stores full of trench coats. That's what I'm saying.

Let's get these guys some pussy. Let's get those trench coats in the fucking thrift stores. I think a lot of guys don't realize it just takes 20 years to not be an awkward weird yeah exactly

shitty human totally you're gonna yeah a lot a lot of people go through that shit where it's like yeah no one is that

comfortable and then it's like the people that do fuck early like half of them they peak to early they're burning out they burn out

or they're just like become regular I mean those actually are probably, in reality, there's a select few of those people that are the only happy people ever. Because they just do things at the timeline it's supposed to happen. The rest are doing whippets behind a subway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they have a family that they love.

You know what I mean? They're like, yeah, I'm cool. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's funny. I don't even think about fucking random girls anymore. I'm a father with a job and a home. Right. And I'm like, that's fucking sick, bro.

I just did mushrooms at the beach. Yo, hey, thanks to Manscaped for being a new sponsor to the yard. Signing on. I fucking love Manscaped personally. I've been using it before We were working with them And their shit rules I had a fart sound lined up But it took so long to load

Let me fucking talk about an actual good product I was using their product before we worked with them And I actually was Like the commercial I was cutting my dick in balls When shaving And this shit I was like I look at it and I'm like It's not gonna work and I put it down there And i go rough and that shit works and you do not cut yourself you know i wrote a uh one of the first things that i did that ever got any success was writing a five

part 400 word essay on how to shave your balls that's right very thoroughly long on reddit yeah uh and it got it got to the front page did you use manscaped in that well i could have made it five words i could have done i could have done two words just by manscaped dumbass well yeah i guess we could have extended yeah yeah that's what i could have written now it would have saved me some time probably not as many upvotes admittedly i do know that i went to your shower because i i went i took a shower in your shower yeah and i saw the manscape thing and i said what are you sponsored and now he is that's actually true well aiden uses their shit too right yeah i it's like one of the first products i think i've ever bought because of

all the ads i saw on youtube and uh spotify and shit like that and uh that shit actually works i had like the same experience i think yeah they got like the ball deodorant too they got the whole fucking look you guys get it the whole package get mans, they got like the ball deodorant too. They got the whole fucking lineup. Look, you guys get it. The whole package. Get Manscaped. We got a code. It's probably... Yeah, use code THEYARD for 20% off and free shipping on Manscaped.com.

They give you boxers if you buy the biggest package. You get Manscaped boxers and they're nice. Well, they just give it to you free if you have the biggest package. Anyway. It's Coinbase time! Oh! They just sponsored Jerma's thing you guys see that yeah they were all over that shit they did it it was funny i messaged the coinbase guy within a week

they made that happen that's great that's actually i was really happy for germa because i know that shit like that is really expensive and i know that bleep that out though archie anyway shout out to coinbase go ahead and download the coinbase app if you're fucking feeling it and we still don't have our code we don't have a fucking promo i dm'd our guy he's like i'm working on it i'm like it can't be no you got you guys go on the computer and type the code but once you get it get that fucking app we have hundreds of thousands of people just downloading supporting a lot of new fucking projects and shows right now between mogul money and uh dude they do mogul money germa the yard they do tmg they did they're doing pog champs 4 they're doing uh smash summit yeah they're doing a lot of dope stuff if you need a platform to trade cryptocurrency on

you can go use coin but yeah get your money up, not your funny up. That's what I'm saying. I can't do his noise. It's too hard to do. I love that video, though. All right, back to that juicer. He's... Oh, stop.

Okay, speaking of which, you said you're smuggling. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes. I'm up. Yeah, I'm fucking burning the midnight oil to come suck and fuck you boys off right now. I was in i was in uh seattle this morning i flew in i was doing shows shouts out to laughs great comedy club and yeah i got up because my flight was at like 11 but i was like a bunch of friends like a bunch of people

brought me mushrooms which is shouts out to the great fan a beautiful fan base thank you for the communion it's a beautiful fan base yeah it happened when i was irl streaming too people just came up and gave austin edibles that that shit rocks thank you never stopped doing that but uh you know i had to get them on the plane somehow and so i ground up mushrooms and put them in tea bags so i had to get up i had to get up this and i bought a bunch i also like tea you know so I bought a bunch of tea from like these fancy tea shops and I just had like I was like yeah let's put some fucking mushrooms in some empty bags and it's like you wrap it up with the rest of the tea and so I might have me a nice little fucking nice little

Wednesday did you like think that strad up yourself or have you done it before or anything like that? I tried to ask around for best practices. It's you and the first guy to smoke weed out of a Gatorade bottle. We put you in a room, we fucking cure cancer. We get it all done. I love a fucked up weed rig. You could probably actually make tea out of it. Oh yeah, shroom tea is great.

It works faster. It works faster than it makes Mario big hey at 7,000 patrons well I said at 10,000 at 10,000

yeah I'll do mushroom tea sure it's nice it kicks in fast and it's it goes away fast too so it's like a nicer because you know

sometimes mushrooms take a long time and they fuck your stomach up with the tea you just in and out I'm like a fucking news anchor, dude. When the camera's on, I just I have to go into news anchor mode.

It doesn't matter if my cat died that day. We can do that like that trailer park boys bit where like they get really high and turn into cartoons. Yeah, we could do that. Like action. Yeah. Get an animator on staff. It's so funny to hear you talk about going on tour because I only like hang out with youtubers and streamers and like a lot of them go on tour sometimes and they're all like it's fucking hell oh that's so i can't handle it dude yeah i'm that's the thing i fucking hate

like this is fun we got a bunch like this is a fun like group chat like fucking hang podcast and but even my podcast sometimes i'm like why the fuck we're just in a room this sucks like I need to be I'm like a ham I need to be in front of people and I like I'm also like social I like to be out and about and shit

and I also like I like to travel I like city I like big I like to just like get fucked up and like stroll around but it's just like

that's the thing dude I I don't know how you mother cause I was like I was like I'm seeing the fucking I'm like you know everyone's mad at Hasan

for buying a fucking dude I didn't think he was gonna spend I was like I was like I'm seeing the fucking like, you know Everyone's mad at Hassan for buying a fucking dude. I didn't think Three days. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm seeing them, you know, I'm like goddamn I'm like shit should I Street and like I stream a little bit I do my I have a advice show stop yourselves your problems That I do. Oh, yeah, we stole that nice. Yeah me and I was advice show. Yeah, that's all that. I was behind a giant paywall And there's no video it's actually a worse product Me and Ian have an advice show. I saw that. Well, you're just behind a giant paywall. Yeah, that's true. You got like that mess. Like a hundred, two hundred people. And there's no video. It's actually a worse product and you pay for it. Yeah.

Worse pay. Yeah, fuck guys. Yeah. And you guys aren't bringing the wealth of pussy eating knowledge to the people that I am. Absolutely not. Which a lot of the guys that call in are just guys that are literally like, am I ever going to get pussy? You know? And all your advice ends in sucking titties. Yeah just passed me like all right well let me tell you

about titties there's some yeah our questions are like yeah so what like career path should i choose like a college seminar and you're like i don't know i fucking play video games and somehow it's it worked out yeah yeah actually yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i just got not that good at smash and now i'm like i and now i live in a twitch streamer's house yeah my move by the way is you guys are smash guys i'm i'm the i'm the guy that just gets lucario and does the fucking ball the energy ball over and over again i'm the guy at the corner i'm the guy at the corner of the map fucking everything up you you you don't know how much that explains so much yeah if you could just fucking leave that would be sweet that was also music i would play jigglypuff

and i'd use roll out hell yeah free for all and bridge meldon dude that's my idea and do the big ass or yeah do the big ass with kirby do the Kirby it's called the girlfriend the Venn diagram of Jigglypuff players in college and improv kids is a fucking circle it's fucking you and all the others one time at a mall

when I was a kid I walked in with a friend and there was an arcade cabinet with Marvel vs Capcom I'd never playedcom I'd never played before like I never played 2d fighting game and I picked uh like Mega Man and then whatever my teammate is because I think that game's like 2v2 and then I literally just spammed Mega Man's projectile for like minutes at a time respect and I won every game and he just couldn't figure it out yeah no I love that because one of my best friends

is great at fighting games and I will just pick, I'll find one guy that has like a sword or something or like one guy who's got like a perfect kick. I don't beat him a lot, but when I beat him, it drives him fucking insane.

That's the Keelik in Soul Calibur. Keelik, dude. You just get the staff, you're like 80 feet away. This is like the funniest piece of content hot bit has ever been in uh is that video piece where he's like playing street fighter with these people and he literally just low kicks this woman over and over this normie ass newswoman and he's just low kicking and winning he's also he's also talking about how cool it is that there's a bear in the background of the stage.

Oh, there's a bear. Just low kick, low kick. And she's like, why do you keep doing that? It's like good. I was on vacation in Portland like a couple years ago. It was New Year's. And me and my girlfriend are playing Street Fighter on a cabinet. And there's this couple behind us.

And they're like whispering to each other and like pointing at the screen. I'm like kind of looking at my shoulder. And he's talking about like what I learned is that he's talking about that he's sick at the street fighter and uh she and then she's like hey hey can you play him like can he play you and i'm not good at street fighter but like i play a lot of fighting games so i'm just like yeah dude like hop on and in my head i'm like this guy's gonna fucking suck at street fighter it's gonna be funny and i i own him and then and then it goes like you gotta play again you gotta play again and it's gonna be funny and I own him and then his girl's like you gotta play again you gotta play again

and he's like huh this is his girlfriend doing this? yes oh my god and then she gives him more quarters she's like feeding him

quarters and so he plays me again he loses again it's like not close I'm just I'm jumping and coming down with kicks over and over

and then and he's getting visibly frustrated because he's being emasculated but she's just feeding him she's supporting him again hubby I played him I played him six times and i won every game she's so yeah she's dripping

way now i have two girlfriends and by the way what you're thinking about you later that night are you sure you didn't just like have a hallucination of the one way you could emasculate another person. I woke up with cum in my pants. And you're like, fuck! Not again! Then you wake up in the arcade with cum in your pants, and they're like, sir, we are calling the

police! Get out of here! He kept sucking on the joystick and beating off. I have a question for you, Since you're a boomer like me How many times did you download porn On like LimeWire Oh hell yeah dude But it turned out to be someone getting killed

Oh wow That ever happen to you That has never One time I mean a couple times what happened is They pulled the old switcheroo And it was gay porn Okay

But I never And I'm like okay I'm like no one benefits from that yeah they just that honestly this is sasha gray i kind of respect it because that's exactly that's purely like a trickster's move that's they'll never they'll never experience the joy i call that i call that the bisexual dice roll yeah i remember watching the for the one the one like one of them is seared into my memory because i'm like i'm like okay because it what they didn't start fucking for a while it was just like two naked guys dancing i'm like i guess they're just like waiting for the girls well i'll get ready i'll start while i wait and i'm like confused and

then it's like i'm like oh no they start fucking you're like, yeah, she'll probably hop in. Yeah. I'm going to finish. I got this far. Yeah, no, I was a big and my family was fucking poor. And we had dial up a really long time. So I spent so many nights tying up our phone lines overnight to download to download like a 30 second clip. Five, six KBPS. You watch the line where I think you're like, I hope no one like shuts this off or anything like that. faux lines overnight to download to download like a 30 second clip five six k bps you watch

the limewire thing you're like i hope no one like shuts this off or anything like that then you wake up and it's just cranked at soldier boy you're like fuck that would be like the most devastating part is like you do finally get halfway through that video find out it's the gay porn and be like well i don't have time to like download another yeah Yeah. I guess I'm gonna have to beat off to this picture of Trish Stratus that I printed my inkjet computer. I came over like, this is like a couple months ago and I'm on my computer upstairs and I'm going through old SD cards.

Cause I'm trying to figure out like just where I put like some photos from some trip and I go through one and I'm like, Oh, this is the, this is the SD card that I use for my 3DS like 10 years ago. And it's just full of pornography. You're beating off on the 3DS? You could use the 3DS internet browser

to fucking save parts of your SD card. You take breaks to go to PictoChat? Is anyone there? Someone please talk to me you're fucking tickling clits with a little stylus you're like

it's like it's like what is it like Cranium video game level 10 find the clitoris and stimulate it

you see my little DS stylus why is it so worn out right in the middle damn Find the clitoris and stimulate it. He would be my little DS stylist. Why is it so worn out right in the middle? Damn. Yeah, I was beaten off off like Greek magazines. They would have titties in it. You know, you'd have to do what you had to do.

You did. Damn, I used E-bomb's world the first time. The fuck are you, like a Sonic cartoon? Is that the first? Oh, that's interesting. First bust. What do we got, boys? What's the first thing you jacked off to? I showed the video last... Oh, you did?

It was well-worn ground, apparently. Wait, that was your first? You said you didn't beat off to it. Well, I didn't bust to it because it was so ridiculous. It's the OG Mudbone clip where he's just cumming like four gallons. That's what he showed us. I didn't realize at the time, but it was like a fake penis.

It was like loaded with a half gallon of milk. I remember those. And I was like, I don't do that. I actually remember seeing, because that guy went around for a while. He did that for a while. I remember like coming across it like regularly. He went on tour. And I was, yeah, I just i saw the video and i'm i am beating off and then he just starts coming and at a certain point i'm just laughing i had to stop beating off

my dick was in my hand oh yeah that's i laughed i stopped and then i went i brought it to lunch the next day and i was like get a load of this guy and everyone's like wow like collectively we would not meet that oh yeah it was like fucking it was like nickel get a load of this guy. And everyone was like, wow. Collectively, we would not meet that. It was like Nickelodeon fucking Gak. You're like getting slimed by that guy. You know, one of my

old ones was, so my uncle lived with us for a little while. You beat off to your uncle? No, no, no, with. I would just beat off to my uncle. This guy had traps like you wouldn't believe. I went through his drawer one day and I found a VHS tape called Candy Pants. Hell yeah.

And it was a porn tape with like 10 different scenes, right? So it was like 10 different. That's a feature film. It was crazy. And so I took it from that motherfucker. It was in my room. Yeah, fuck him. Because I was like, he's either going to come heat check me or tell my mom. film it was crazy and so i would i took it from that motherfucker it was in my room because i was

like he's either gonna come heat check me or tell my mom but he wouldn't do that because everyone on his luck is he divorced why is he moving in with you because he was poor okay handsome guy great guy and also everyone in that house was concerned about me like being gay and effeminate so if he thinks that i stole the porn video he'd probably be like oh thank god like right and so I know he's not gonna heat check me everyone by the way their number one concern is that you're gay

my mom would sit me down and be like you know you can just tell me right and I'd be like dude I'm not I just play video games all the time I think pussy is so cool she was supportive she was like foreign no no no just like a sad white person regular white trash yeah white trash and she and she'd be like you know you can just tell me i like i'll support you 100 like every couple

months i'm like no were you in a trailer park at the time yeah that's the most progressive person in a trailer park my mom yeah she she loved me damn he was crashing with his your the uncle was crashing with his sister in a trailer park yep that's how i grew up place to be but he had candy pants money well i mean i i bet i took his candy pants and he was like well what i'm gonna beat off to now you know and so how was candy pants candy pants but dude i've been i've searched for it because there are like for old Because there are scenes I can still picture in my mind. I've worn that shit ragged. And one time, actually, I turned it on, and I was beating off my room,

and I closed my door at a VCR in my room. And my mom walks in to see if I was sleeping. And she, I don't know, maybe she was high or drunk or some shit, but she opens it. I'm caught. Oh, no. Surely she sees this happening. My dick's in my hand. I slept on the floor. Maybe she was like high or drunk or some shit But she opens it I'm caught oh no Surely she sees this happening My dick's in my hand

I slept on the floor I didn't sleep on my mattress I was a weird kid But she could barely see my feet And she could see the TV on From her perspective She opens it Says go to sleep okay

And I'm like okay And she closes the door And then I finish beating off She knew She knew My mom did the same thing My mom did the same thing what'd she catch you with?

she caught me just jerking off I would use my PSP and I'd go through pornhub thumbnails what club are you guys a part of? Sony and Nintendo crossing the aisle I'm gaming mom leave me alone

I didn't know how to jerk off For like two years Do the rub I would just I would grab it And I would just Do this Like you're showering In a friend's house

It would hit the bed sheet enough And then eventually I would come And I thought that's how You're supposed to do it Until I was like 13 or 14 I literally

I did that But in a more Fucking That is our hero The exact motion Is exactly how I tried it at the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. I rubbed my dick on my hands side to side and it worked for a while. Huge question.

Actually, you being in the middle. Yeah. Are you cut or uncut? Uncut baby. That's the uncut side. Yeah. Hey, we're cut. We are the majority now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Baby. You guys need to do a skin graph. I wish I had. Uncut. We are the majority now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit, baby. You guys need to do a skin graph. I wish I had what you had. I want to get a skin graph from Willem Dafoe, and I want to use it for my foreskin. Celebrity foreskin?

A24 could auction off Willem Dafoe's thigh skin, and I could just get a new dick. That's actually a nice idea, to have celebrity foreskin donors. I would be, yeah, I would like to get famous enough to be able to, and you know what? Here's what I'm going to do.

This is perfect. I'm going to try and get famous enough to get people, especially if you are an ethnic guy who for some reason got his shit chopped off. Like, we talk about our friend Hassan. That's one of the biggest tragedies ever to be.

He's cut? He's cut. Wow. Yeah. What? Oh, I didn't to be. He's cut? He's cut. Wow. Yeah. What? Oh, I didn't know I was breaking news. This is breaking news. This is shocking to say the least.

I'm sure that's going to harm his chances. Why is he cut? I think he like came here. He was like here as a kid and went back. Anyway, if you're one of those guys and your ethnic right of a foreskin has been stolen from you. I want to get successful enough where I'm considered famous enough, but also lose weight. And you know how there's nothing to do

with all that fat guy loose skin? That's what we start doing, man. Every fat celebrity who loses weight. Stobby.biz is just a place to buy skin to buy my loose skin. The Stavros Foundation for lost foreskin. If you guys ever want to make your your second patreon tier do something you just fucking oh you get a little vile that's

private that's gonna be that's gonna you gotta contact me directly for that this is a fucking huge business that's a humanitarian effort don't cut the other two in on that absolutely not they have nothing to do with it yeah like you're like it's so funny when like a celebrity loses weight and it's like like you know pennant like pen the magician yeah that guy's weird like neck pussy that he has you're telling me that wouldn't make a nice foreskin i'm saying chop that off and give it to give it to these two motherfuckers let them have a little fuck yeah i have pendulets foreskin on my own would you like to have sex now donate he could donate so much so you have like just extra long for skin like you wanted to like an elephant trunk of foreskin sure if it gets popular enough then uh parents start like actually cutting their kids foreskins off to get a celebrity

like really rich parents are like john stamos there Oh, Stamos would be nice. That's the Cadillac of foreskin. Of foreskin reconstructive surgery. That's the greatest bar mitzvah present of all time. You go. That's how it's going to be. Exactly. It'll be seen as your best. Your cool uncle's like, kid, I know what happened.

Just fucking take this. He's back. He's back, baby. Damn. Uncut, too. I get it. You're foreign, but are you also foreign? Canadian.

Canadian. Interesting. Canadians are uncut, huh? Yeah, they're not cutting over there. It's literally only Americans and Jewish people. Really? I don't know why. Yeah, I mean, it's not Americans.

My mom talked about it to me once. She's like, I just think it looks better. Yeah. She was like, I want you to have a suckable cock. She's 100%. My mom, all she ever wanted was she up to her son to fuck that's actually fair game because i don't know if you have you had women be like fuck what that's weird what about what having a foreskin yeah for sure i

happen to like a decent amount of the time like a lot of you'll be a lot of women's first time i i've only had one like actually very negative. And it was, I don't mean to put this, you know, I'm just stating a fact. It was a Jewish girl. And she wouldn't suck my dick. I ate her pussy for a long, I'm a gentleman. I'm eating pussy for quite some time here. I'm giving her the whole kitten caboodle.

And then I'm like, all right. I'm putting up 40, 50 seconds. Tooth's in there. Tooth's coming out of there. Tooth's in, tooth's out. I'm flossing with her clit i lost my retainer that day she had a real lippy situation i'm getting i'm getting a popcorn kernel out of my back and then she wouldn't she would not i didn't have a condom i was like all right we'll so you know whatever we'll suck each other off she wouldn't

suck my dick dude i had a horrible because of a horrible fucking... Because of the foreskin? Because it was unsuspecting. Did she say it? Yeah. Was she like, you foreskin half a fucking Greek? Every other time, it's been like, I gotta be honest, it's been like a nice, a fun surprise. Yeah. You know?

No one's ever been... Exactly. It's like that. It's literally... It's like that. It's a lot of... Yeah, it's like... Yeah, it's like, oh.

It's like a learning experience. They're more nervous. They're more nervous. They always look like an an-eater or... And I will say, I will say, having a foreskin, and I'll up the ante a little bit because I have a fucked up foreskin, but I think just having a foreskin is like, it does show, it does show who knows how to suck dick and who doesn't.

It shows who knows how to handle a penis and who doesn't. Because if you yank that thing in the wrong way, it's a problem problem you know really i in my experience boys i'm sure you've had that where it's like you know i mean it hurts sometimes it hurts you can absolutely hurt in a way i'm sensitive yeah down there yeah i guess you guys are yeah all that do you guys ever like make it talk and like do little voices what i do is suck it if you grab the ball sack and then the penis and then push it up it looks like a fly and i'll do that sometimes when i'm showering because it looks funny that's a fun yeah you're like hello monsieur yeah it's like a little french fry yeah get a little mustache with the thing where you you like pull it open a little bit and you stretch it out and you put a

couple quarters in there and it's kind of it's kind of like a worm or something. I don't know. You know, now that you say you're Canadian, I can't stop thinking about you being Canadian. You sound real.

You feel real Canadian. Yeah. You feel like you wouldn't know he's Canadian but when he says it, you can't not. That's a Canadian guy. You have like a cock eye

for his Canadian. It feels like you're like you talk like a like you're on PBS. Yeah. He's a Muppet. Before the podcast, he was like, oh, you're dressed very summery. And I'm like, dude, it's not at the dentist's office, bro.

You look like we're about to share a couple of Molson's, bud. He makes polite conversation. I'm sorry to cut you off. You're gearing up to something. No, of course not. You're gearing up to the Warburg. You're going to bring up health insurance or something? Please go back to that. Yeah, I was going to bring up health insurance or something? Please go back to that.

I was going to bring up like Molson's and health insurance. That national hero who fucking rides the snowmobile off the fucking ramp. Larry the Enticer. I'm trying to get over to fucking where in Canada are you from? BC. Okay, nice. I'm trying to get over to

fucking Vancouver. You know what I'm saying? Trying to get my titties sucked by some Vancouver girls fucking Vancouver. You know what I'm saying? Vancouver's fucking sick. Trying to get my titties sucked by some Vancouver girls out there. You can't go there for a tour right now, right? I can't. I wanted to so bad. Because I was literally doing Portland, Seattle.

It's right fucking there. And Canada's bitch ass. Canadians don't want to go there right now? Trudeau's bitch ass. Wow. It's open now, but it wasn't when I was trying to plan my tour. It just opened. Yeah, yeah.

That's crazy that it just opened. I was looking at a graph. It was like Florida COVID deaths and it's the highest ever. Yeah, dude. Florida's peaking right now. Yeah, I can't wait. They are peaking.

It's insane. They're rivaling their Gator numbers. Yeah, dude. I'm in fucking Tampa in November, so I hope those motherfuckers turn it around. It was like 20K a day. Are you doing a bus? No, bus are you on no i go i so this one is like i did i took the train from like portland to seattle and then i flew here it's a

lot of flying i'm gonna do a run that's like i'm doing denver and then i'm in minneapolis the next week so in between i'm going to omaha i've never been to like the middle of the country so i'm just like i'm just gonna fuck say fuck it do do a little tour. Do you do first class? Nah, dude, fuck no. You know, I'll get a little Delta Comfort Plus. You got tooth money now, dude. You're like a rapper. The first time in my life, the finger has hovered over the first class button for certain flights,

but I'm like, I can't do it. It's like, whatever, I shouldn't do it. He was talking about how he would never fly economy ever again. Yeah. Like the fucking queen of England. I saw the streamer money, and I was like, fuck dogs. I didn't tell you guys this. I went to dinner last night with QT.

Like, I set up, like, a dinner. And this is, like, the first time I went. The biggest dick I've ever gone. It's becoming a problem. I got 30-year-old whiskey. Love that, dude. I don't even fucking like whiskey. Love that.

$600. What? For two ounces. Mother whiskey $600 for two ounces It was so sick too Because I did it and then like two people Who worked at the restaurant came over and they're like wow great choice I have no fucking clue And you're wearing a frog hoodie And you're like yeah I know Do you guys have any Splenda back there He's still looking for something

Based What is your most based wine? Poggers The guy at the restaurant At the end He's like What do you do? Because he saw my card

It said like Mogul moves on it And I was like I'm a YouTuber streamer And he's like Oh I watch Twitch And I was like Who do you watch?

He's like Pokey I watch it all the time Really? He says What's your shit? He pulls it up And then he pulls it up And he looks at me

And he goes Oh yeah Like bullshitting yeah i think for sure because there's no way he wouldn't have yeah there's not that many ludwigs going around yeah yeah yeah yeah i totally know who you are dude he's like no i've seen like um like you were an among us thing wait what kind of guy was he like He said he watched Pokey, right? He was sick. He was super nice. He was like 24.

You spent $3,000 at his restaurant. He wasn't going to be a dick to you. Interesting. Do you get noticed often when you go out? There's like four neighborhoods in the world where I'm famous you know what i mean it's like they're all in the south nothing's brooklyn you're like you know what i mean maybe it's not that much video right so imagine if you're like on a plane you laugh then like a couple people perk up yeah

well it is i mean it's it's like you're not if you think it's me you know what i mean there's not a lot of people that are like is that him yeah you know what i mean there's not a lot of people that are like is that him yeah it's like it's pretty clear it's fucking me it's like he's got the tooth and the hair and the laugh but it could be anyone but it's nice i mean it's a nice level of like again not really famous like a very sliver where it's like yeah i get to have the stupidest job in the world and it's like no one bothers you 98 of the time yeah you can go to the store and then still suck titties, you know, in your free time. Absolutely. That's kind of the dream. Two of my favorite things to do.

Go to the store. Do the Comptown fans, like, what does it skew towards more, like, negative or positive interactions when you do meet people? In person, it's positive. I mean, you guys know how the fucking internet works, right? Like, you motherfuckers know how that works. But even that is, like, for the most part, it's, you most part It's pretty positive That's why I like going on tour I'm like a fucking social guy

I'm like a performer first and foremost So I like that But also you meet really good fans That want to support you And are trying to be out there And I'm more of an in person Connection type fucking guy Will you go out with fans after?

You know, it depends if they're hot girls. Giant tits? You know, it really like, honestly, it does depend though. Cause it's just like, depending on like, cause the other thing is tours also work, right? So it's like, you're out there all the time. So it's like, if I'm, there's a lot of like, this past run, I actually like didn't go out. There were hot girls. They're like, let's go to a strip.

There's like a – there's a Greek-themed strip club that has great steaks in Portland. And it's like – You are a mouse and there's a box with cheese. Exactly. And like a hot group of friends wanted me to go with them. And I was like – because I was in Greece and I was like I'm literally – I'm falling asleep. Like I'm going to pass out. Your body failed you there. This is not going to be fun so it's like i sometimes you have to take nights

off but it depends like if i'm in a city where i don't know anyone and you have something cool to do like i went i was in lafayette louisiana and they these people were just like this town sucks we're having a big fucking party we have a ton we got it catered we have booze and i was like yeah fuck it what else am i doing you know what i mean but it's like if I'm in like, you know, a big city where there's shit to do or I have friends, it's like the probability is a lot lower that I'll go, you know. But, you know, it just depends on the vibe. But have you ever done a tour? Have you thought about doing it?

I mean, like, that's like a thing that I feel like a bunch of YouTubers who have podcasts because every YouTuber transitions to having one, they do. And they all regret it. I don't think I'll do one for a bit. The problem with YouTuber tours it's like they get like a hotel. They're on a stage

with nothing on it. That's huge. And they stand up there and they're like you guys like Minecraft? It's like there's no content. You have to have something to do. Like honestly

you guys can fucking I mean if you've got all this shit going on you should literally just think of a show to do. You know what I know yeah if it wasn't just doing the podcast if it was some shit don't do the podcast do something that has like more audience interaction that has like just like figure shit out you could also have like pre-taped segments and shit like that that is true where it's like where i've seen people do that shit too where it's like

that's what's been nice for me it's like i'm a podcaster like i hate doing podcasts you know what i mean but it's like you're a you're a stand-up guy i like doing stand-up so it was like such an easy like transition for me to do it but it's like yeah just do something where it's like you know because yeah doing the podcast live sucks because it's like with people just watching you talk they also laugh at your not funny shit totally they laugh at the shit that we would cut out and i gotta be like no you shouldn't allow that you shouldn't allow that if i bombed got back in a stand-up i don't know if i ever will but i did a bunch of stand-up in college yeah yeah and if i got back in a stand-up that would

be like a good reason to tour i like your jesus joke that was a good joke which one well you could even do like fucking like 15 minutes like that's what i'm saying you could do like a bunch of different shit we're gonna be like 15 minutes of stand-up. Yeah. Some videos, even. Like, some live videos. And then, like, maybe a shorter version of the podcast. You could have guests come on. You know what I mean? Yeah. You could figure out a way to do it.

Yeah, I think at some point, surely. Because it's fun. I saw Tim and Eric's, like, live show before COVID really hit. And they did a pre-recorded segment. And then it was their whole weird fucking live show. Like, they put a lot of effort into it, you know, because they really care. That's the thing. Yeah, you got to.

That is the one thing, though, because though because like if you're used to like planning like doing other shit ahead of time it's like yeah if you put some effort ahead of time then the actual tour becomes pretty easy it is the most dog shit business move though because it's so easy to just look at a tiktok and then make a youtube video and then make a shit ton of money that's so that's so so true. You're right in terms of that because it's like for me, it's like it's good money, but it's such,

it is hard work. Yeah. It's like so much work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Compared to streaming, it's like, yeah, yeah. So you just go downstairs, you wake up,

you jerk off, you go downstairs, a bunch of people just give you money even though it's free content. I haven't even – I get that. I won't say a word and like 100 people will stop and I'll be like, all right, guys. Yeah, yeah.

No, I understand that. You go on tour and you have to fly. You got your jet lag. You have to entertain these people. You can bomb. No, you're right. You can 100%. I mean actually I think that's – I would love to bomb.

I do feel like what he's saying. He can't bomb. I'll have like 200 people who have watched me. Everyone who shows up is 15, has never been to a comedy show and he goes like ah and they're like you know what though over time if you did a full like that does wear wear off yeah surely you know but that's what i'm saying just do it for a little bit but but you're absolutely correct like you do have it it would be a passion it would be a passion project yeah because like not for us try guys Try Guys went on tour

and it fucked them. Oh, really? Yeah, the Try Guys, I mean, it didn't fuck them, like, they're back now, but, like, they went on tour and their YouTube, like, bombed for a while.

They, like, did this whole, like, behind-the-scenes docuseries on it and I don't think that did well at all. They were, like, trying to sell that to people. Well, that's the other thing.

It's like, well, if you don't, then fuck it. Don't do it. Just literally go on vacation in a cool city. Yeah just do that instead there's sort of this nightmare version of it i think or even do irl streams in different places yeah yeah i think that would be i think stuff like that is good because i i don't like the idea of blowing something up into a tour where you have like just nothing to show for it have you ever seen videos of like jake paul's tour and it's just like him walking out on stage with his crew,

and everybody's screaming, and then they kind of do a couple songs, and that's it. Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. And his opening act is like 90% of it, and then he just pops in for like 20 minutes.

We could go on tour, and we could do our Guitar Hero match on stage. We have beef in Guitar Hero, and we want to settle it. We can't figure out how. It's about finding a bunch of things. Well, I don't know.

A hard one. I like Reptilia. You would like... That's so easy. What does that mean I would like Reptilia? Because it's an easy one to do. Yeah, that one's fire.

Yeah, it's fire. It's an easy song to do. I like Cliffs of Dover. Cliffs of Dover. I was just going to say that's fire. That's big from the only guy who's ever lost to me

in Guitar Hero in the room. It's an easy song Well you know You know the story about How he came in his pants At the arcade Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah He's got the same story At an arcade Against this guy In a rock band With his girlfriend Yeah

In front of my My ex-girlfriend Who beats me in Guitar Hero And I'm talking a bunch of shit And I like Go home shamed He brought fingerless gloves too Fingerless fucking gloves

Did you get pussy that night? I did. But I didn't enjoy it. But she was thinking about it. She made you put on a red wig. He just hangs around arcades looking unsuspecting. Oh, you want to play that game? What's this one?

Have you heard of it? The Arcade Hustler. I've never seen it, but sure. He's your girlfriend. Yeah. Do you guys want to know which one of you guys my mom said was funniest? What's this one? Have you heard of it? The Arcade Hustler. I've never seen it, but sure. He's your girlfriend. Yeah. Do you guys want to know which one of you guys my mom said was funniest? Yeah.

I told her to watch the episode. Your mom, who you said today, was a c***. We're going to have to cut that. And to Mrs. Auger. I didn't swear in front of her until I was like 16. Who is it? It's me, right? She said the funniest one was Nick.

Nick's great with moms. I'm fucking five for five with moms. I'm fucking out of your killing. Five for five. Good thing. She's like foreign and shit, so she sent like this really eloquent paragraph about it all. She was like. Mrs. Ogren, I would love to come over for Thanksgiving or something. See the city a bit.

Yeah. Yeah, she said, she said, we liked Nick's slime. Appears intelligent, but not funny. No way. Flaming your ass, dude.

Dude. Appears intelligent. By the way, by the way, she said more real and keeps the agenda up. And then she said, Aiden, spell your name wrong, is more reserved, but so natural in front of the camera.

Unnatural. You have to understand she's European. She has to insult you in the end. Yeah. She's an awful, awful person. She's a fucking sweet lady. I think she's great. If only there was a single word. I have your mom's number.

Something monosyllabic. I'm going to text her right now. Fuck you. Don't text her. Don't text her now. Don't text her too late. It's too late to text her. You've got to text her in the morning. You've got to respect her. She has her phone on loud. She has her phone on loud.

Don't do it. I fire you tomorrow. You can't send this. You can't text my mom at 2am. What if Steph does it? What if Steph does it? What if Stav does it? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. No, no. I can't explain it. A Greek man came on my podcast set unexpectedly. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed.

He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed.

He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed.

He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed.

He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed.

He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. He missed. It's sent. You gotta explain. I can't handle this. I can't handle this. She's gonna wake up. Dude, she wakes up to every text.

She's waking up at 2 a.m. to a text that says, fuck you. every text she's going to get back 2am to text and says fuck you who appears fucking funny now bro

he sent the text I'm going to tell her that send her a picture of me like sorry this

guy bothering you I'm going to have to like take your phone later get a screenshot Get a screenshot Get a screenshot

My poor sweet mother dude I fucking I also put her on blast today too It's such a bad day for her Yeah Well I called her yeah Cause I did like a little hotel vlog And in it

I brought up that my My grandparents are cousins Hell yeah No My grandparents are cousins That explains so much They fucked and had a kid Yeah

That's why you're like Shit at math and stuff. I was trying to tell Chad. That's why I have a chest hole. That's why my appendix hurts. And I call my mom because they're like, no shot. And I call her and I'm like,

tell them how your parents are cousins. She's like, that sounds weird. Why would you tell people this? She's like, don't tell people this. She didn't like that? Well, she's like, are you sure we should tell people? Doesn't it seem like embarrassing?

The Ogren family secret. And I was like, no, run it. And she's like, in detail, she's like, yeah, actually, I have a muscle issue from this. Your aunt can't see with her eyes. Sometimes that cousin dick is too good. Too good to turn down. Exactly. Sometimes that cousin dick is too good to turn down. She explains it all and she goes, but he was legal. He was legal in the 50s.

They thought they were siblings. They were actually disappointed to find out. It's like that Jonah Hill bit in Wolf of Wall Street. It's like, what am I going to do? Let somebody else fuck my cousin? You know that's real? The real person who the the characters based off of Mary's cousin and fuck his cousin Oh, man. Yeah Jonah crushed that guy was so good in that fucking in that role. You guys see mid 90s You guys see that? Yeah, yeah the skateboarder. He directed it

There's that scene where that like 20 like six year old actress makes out with like the literally 15 year old actor Yeah, I gotta text my mom what happened why was everyone on set like yeah yeah i don't know because that kid was fucking awesome that kid was awesome i feel like i will admit when that moment where that kid because the kid fucks that you're in the movie dude i never pause movies ever i paused and said i gotta look it up yeah they look too different in age and I was right

it was 26 and 15 it was somewhere I'm gonna get owned by YouTube it's worse it's like 22 and 13 really it's bad

it was bad but I think the funniest part the only thing that took me out for a second is that that kid was supposed to have

literally fucked that girl like in the yeah in the movie like jack him off some. She let him fuck immediately? They lost me there. It was like the whole movie. You're like, yeah, yeah.

And you're like, what? I also don't think it's brave as a director to be like, and we're going to do it for real. It's like, throw a double in. Do something. You don't need to do this one. I mean, whatever. How old is the kid? He's 15. I think he's 13. I think that was that was correct he was younger yeah like he was really young when they filmed it but but i will say the point of that scene was like how out of his depth this kid is like i do think that was part of it where it's like i think they should have portrayed it that

way in the context of the movie i feel like that might have been the case but i also feel like it's also not a believable circumstance at all the fuck part is his parents signed off for that right oh yeah well you got it his parents legally his parents yeah fuck yeah they signed up anything her parents would they have signed off on that she listen she's in she's in a she's a what if now you don't know how about this what if she's a pedophile? That changes everything. And she found a way to channel this in a healthy way. Okay? That's right.

What do you want? Her on the streets fucking kids? That's right. Her agent gets her the scripts. Is that what you want, you fucking animal? She's like, but he can kickflip. I feel like no one's considering that. This is like where you're like, yeah, come do the heroin inside safely with clean heels.

The needle exchange, but for kids. It's full of a set of people will be watching her to make sure she doesn't go for his cock. I think it was a good move. I actually respect it because that's why I'm mad at Trainspotting. They never did heroin. Really? For real? They talked about doing heroin and they all pussied out.

In real life? Yeah, in real life for the movie to see what it's like. And then they all backed out. To be fair saw they saw the fucking baby crawling on the ceiling animatic and they were like if that's what this is like i don't know if i want to do that yeah you know what i'm starting to realize is that this dog feels like the like the infinity stones like space mash of all four of us in this theory theory, I'm putting it together. If we all go to the time machine and get fucked up. How does he get there? He's part Amon because he loves to go out

and do things like a normal human being. Loves to travel, be social. He's me because he's bald. I'm not. That's where this falls apart completely. I would have left that stuff. He's Nick because he has glasses. And Ludwig, I'm still trying to figure out.

And the two. Four skin. That's true too. So I think this is my theory. And we both have nice hair. It holds a lot. Yeah, we both have beautiful hair. That's our connection.

You know what you two share? What you two share is fucking up my mother's night. That's what you guys share. Ruining my sweet European mother's evening. You guys both kind of look like Halloween costumes in general. That's true. He's going to wake up to a phone call really early tomorrow morning. Imagine being 58 and waking up to a text that says, fuck you.

I forgot that that happened. Imagine not thinking that I'm fucking funny. She's allowed to think that. No, she's not. She's actually not. His mother. I handle your will. Yelling at him in French.

How could he say this? How do you say slime in French? You don't. They don't have that one? They don't address them. Slime. Damn. I literally handle his will, and that's why I have her number to talk about grave legal

things one day. Are you afraid they're going to set you up, slime and your mom? Are they going to kill you for the money? For the cash. I mean, he wouldn't even need to do that. He could just withdraw. I don't know how to log into my own bank account. He could just go.

He'd be like, I'm leaving for a week and then never come back. And I'd be like, okay. And then I would never be able to find out. The card would get declined and then I'd be like, okay. And then I would never be able to find out. The card would get declined, and then I'd be like, oh, okay. That's how much power he gives me. So, you know, involved in that is a couple texts here and there. This is not the first time I've texted her this late at night, okay? Nice.

It's usually FaceTimes. You do not hold up to Peter, dude. That's true. I have a new stepfather Oh, nice It's not that new Yeah, they've been married For like four or five years

Yeah He's Jamaican He'd fuck you up, dude He's ex-military Yeah Damn Peter definitely fucking Hangs dong better than you, dude

Peter, 100% 100% But, you know Look, I I control the finances Yeah, so Again, look, I control the finances. Yeah, so, again, your theory was dog shit. Me and you are nothing alike.

I think we are, though. I think we are. One of us is a brave man that doesn't take what the restraints God put on him. He fucking perseveres, grows his hair out, tells God, suck my dick, take a bald spot. I don't give a fuck. I'm still getting my shit tugged on. I went bald. I came back. Yeah, exactly. Better. I spit in God's fucking face. When did it start?

And you subserviently bow down to him and shave your shit. Yeah, I look like I've been electrocuted now, but I'm brave. I'm in a fucking breeze, baby. Do you take Propecia now? Nah, dude. You don't want to keep it where it is?

I don't give a fuck, dude. I'm au natural. All right. When did it start? Here's the move, honestly. The move is to do... I think I did it right, where it started... I shaved my head young because I could see where it was going.

When you're 20, not a lot of people have a buzz cut. And it wasn't that bad so you couldn't really tell. But once you get to 30 and the buzz cuts start looking like desperation at 30. A motherfucker like you has no choice. You know what I mean?

I think I was smart to fucking shave it when it was like, oh, maybe it's a choice. It was ambiguous at that time. And now I, oh, maybe it's a choice. It was ambiguous at that time. It was ambiguous. And now, now I'm back. Now it's a choice again where it's like,

oh, this guy's not fucking, he's not bitching at all. You're just trying to exercise free will. Exactly. You consistently took the power back. I take the power back. You just need one tattoo. You get one tattoo,

you are a purposeful body. Do you have any tattoos? I don't have any tattoos. Really? Wait, really? I'm shocked by that. Yeah, I'm shocked. Yeah, I don't know.

I just never, I never, never did it. Do you want one? I might get some. Yeah, I'm shocked. Yeah, I don't know. I just never... Do you want one? I might get some. Yeah, me and my brothers talked about getting some tattoos together. We got a tattoo together? Yeah. My first one ever. You want to see it? Yeah. I want you to do it so camera sees and then we'll blur it. Okay.

Just like open, you know? Yeah, just do it. We'll do it to him. I meant... We'll have you sign a thing after. Wait, how old is Archie? We got to know how old Archie is. It's good for the role. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How have you not robbed this motherfucker yet? How have you not robbed this motherfucker yet? I got his name on my thigh. Yeah, that's what me and you have nothing in common. I would be in fucking Barbados with Ludwig's fucking money right now. I would be sipping a pina colada on his fucking dime. All I ask is if you do that, you get the tattoo in Barbados. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it just says fuck Ludwig. Yeah, it says fuck Ludwig. One of my nuts says fuck. The other one says Ludwig on it. A nut tattoo. I would love to get a tattoo artist up here one day. And we just go around. And they just tattoo all of us. Live one?

Yeah, it'd be sick. Yeah. It'd be like a really long piece. What do you want to get? I don't know. Some flash. Like some Smurfs fucking or something. Something cool.

I tattooed him once on a twitch stream. That's true Yeah, yes, but this right here. Do you notice the week? It's the weakest I've ever seen him is that fucking What do you think it is? It's a cereal bowl. Oh nice the crown about it's all it's just also a crown I just want to give I did I did it a reads as that. I had a thousand subs, and I did marbles. It's just randomly generated shit, and one of the options is a cereal bowl, and one is a crown. Nice. And I just got both.

It was a random tattoo. I just got them both. Hassan got there without doing that. He did. He got there. That was a question of mine. So there's the whole house thing, right? Yeah.

And I was wondering, Hassan fucks a lot, right? Yeah. That's like a known quantity. His party trick is saying which celebrity is fucked right of the universe now does he fuck with his mom home i've asked that no he doesn't his mom's actually he has her go he has her leave his mom well his mom's actually really chill because his son although seems like he's social actually streams like 10 hours a day and he's like a loser that's what i don't fucking get about this because it's like i i've been because yeah we were talking about it before i was like yeah i'd like to stream a little bit but it's like it seems like to get to do anything you gotta stream like fucking 12 fucking hours you don't gotta do that well i i think i'd like to

say uh you know can't all have a day off i think going comes downstairs and says that after we get home from our jobs every single day i've been doing that for two years i think doing daily like four hours or six days or five days a week four hours is good but he does he was doing daily like 10 hours and so his mom will be like i'm gonna leave you gotta hang out with people oh that's so nice yeah that's great his mom's like i gotta get some dick his mom's like yeah it's some dick Hasan's mom's like yeah it's about your your personal life

I'm worried about you she's just getting a train ran on her the most mad I've ever seen Hasan Hasan's gonna fucking gloat a gun

and come here he's been here he knows where we are I did a I did a Hivemind episode it was like a game show and it's Hasan and Will and Will was cracking a butt cause it was like a game show and it's hasan and will and will was cracking a butt because it's like a basically it's like family feud and you fill in

the answers and the question was like you know what's the biggest thing you would feel or something like that and then will neff was like you're hasan's mom i've never seen hasan more pissed off in my life really yeah yeah that is that's some that's some fucking uh old world shit though that's that's some fucking old world shit though. That's some fucking Turkish shit. There's no American who'd ever get mad at that. No, no. My mom's dead and I joke about it all the

time. I was really looking forward to trying to fuck her. It seems like she had the bad self-esteem. Oh yeah, 100%. You and her would have vibed. Yeah, I think so, dude. Dude, you put me in a fucking time machine in that trailer park. You would have had all night to jack off to that fucking videotape.

Dude. I would have shown her a real nice time. Dude, I fucking, my mom, I'm not a single mom. She raised me and she had, I was the kid with mom's boyfriend. And so one time I'm going to school and I'm just hearing her get fucked. single mom she raised me and she had i was like i was the kid with mom's boyfriend you know and so one time i'm going to school and i'm just hearing her get fucked and i and i was just like dude i walked out to go to go to school it's like eighth grade and i'm walking out i'm really sorry about that by the way i'm just like yeah i'm just like yeah it was me and a DeLorean. We've got to go fuck his mom.

Why are you the grandpa? That's him. He came to pick me up. They only show... Back in the future, they only made the one. He's done that thousands of times, but only one of those was good enough

for like a movie. But a lot of the times, it's just like he picks guys up to fuck other guys' moms in the past. I had to say that. That would be hilarious. It'll be funny. You're just going to do his podcast and then reveal you're actually his father. What if this was Terminator?

I'm your dad. That's how I knew. That's how I knew. And then we fight the robots together. And you talk about nutting my mom. And I'm like, stop. That was me that morning. You were being conceived somehow.

This whole thing makes me feel way better about my mom getting a fuck you text. Yeah. We all get it. It all goes around. We're there.

Are your parents both alive? Yeah, still alive. Let's fucking go. Me and you, brother. Majority are dead parent gang. Even you? Yeah. Even the Canadians?

Is there a maple syrup avalanche? The government are dead parent. Even you. Yeah. Even the Canadian. The government, the government gives you another. I have two, I've had two parents my whole life. So I'm the cop out. I get to play both sides. My mom, uh, well, my dad, dad was like, when I was 10, I always thought like, man, I want my mom to meet someone. And then she did seven years later, my senior year. And then I immediately, he started immediately he started sleeping over like I don't want this Senior she was like, all right. We gotta sneak one year in yeah make him uncomfortable Most of the time like almost all the time to sleep over his place like be respectful to me But sometimes like she would sleep over it like he'd come over and she'd think like she was hiding it Like she was a teenager and in seven years. I would just walk in my mom's room right there's it was no big deal and uh and i walk in one time and it's fucking i know

i catch him dude not like early like early into it like they weren't like but it was enough it was enough that she was like what do you do like she like freaked out she's like why are you in here and i was like bro i've been doing this for seven years i did not expect peter to be here right now And I was like, bro, I've been doing this for seven years. I did not expect Peter to be here right now. You're like, Peter, really? At least he stuck around. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's not bad. We hit our hot 90. Yeah, we're good. We rolled over 90. That was a hot 90. I got a piss. I've been holding this. All right. Well, thank you so much for coming on.

Thanks so much. Yeah, this was fun. I'll tell you what Peter said in the bonus episode, and you can send another text. Where can everyone find you and plug whatever you want? It's a new demographic for you, I think. No, yeah, for sure. For sure.

Go to Stavvy. I'm on Instagram. I'm on Twitter. Stavvy Baby. S-T-A-V-V-Y Baby on Twitter. Stavvy Baby 2 on Instagram. Because my original content was too spicy. It got bad. Yeah, you're a dick out on Instagram because my original content was too spicy. It got banned.

Yeah, you're a dick out on Instagram. That's your rules. Yeah, I had to tame it down a little bit. But yeah, and I do a bunch of podcasts. I'm bringing back my advice show, Stavi Solves Your Problems, a superior version to their show. Maybe don't look at the advice show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you guys are competing. Here's some advice. Go to our Patreon. I think you could ask the same question to both shows and you will walk away learning nothing but yeah come find me

you little fucking weird children that I guess game or whatever shout out Comptown we listen to all of us have listened to a ton of Comptown and when we were doing this podcast part of it was like why are they so successful and funny? Was just like listening to it.

It is sort of the rubric to study when you're like doing something like this. Right. I think it's the worst. We talked about it. We saw the, we saw the page on it. I was like, what?

It's completely, but that's the thing is like, there's no way to fucking, it's such an anomaly. Yeah. I feel like every action you do specifically harms your chance at success. And then it still works. It's the producers. It's the producers.

It's the producers' version of a podcast where it's like, where did we go right? But yeah, we got Comptown out there. I also do a basketball podcast, Pod Don't Lie, and Stobby Solve Your Problems. Damn, you're fucking grinding. Who's your team? I root for Giannis because he's Greek, but I root for the Knicks.

He won now. You can give up. It feels good. I've been following him since he's a Greek, but I root for the Knicks. He won now. You can give up. It feels good, dude. Yeah. I've been following him since he got drafted. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

So it's, yeah, dude. That was big for me. But yeah. Thanks, boys. Thanks for having me. It was fun. Yeah, absolutely. It was a pleasure.

It's fun to have you. All right. You know, go drop something on the Patreon. We'll see everyone later, and we'll see you in the bonus epi if you're already on the Patreon. Bye. Bye.