The Yard - Ep. 94 - Slime Discovers Why He Loves Animals

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

This week, the boys talk about the fights in The Yard, slime's birthday, and Ludwig wanting to run a marathon...

do gay people go to heaven no absolutely not are we recording? They'll never know the context. Well, there actually wasn't much. There really wasn't much. There wasn't much. I was pretending to be five and he was answering earnestly. What I was thinking before, what we were talking about before this podcast, if I had a son, I would want him to have a entire mold of his whole body inside and out made of plaster What would you do with the mold? What are you talking about?

What do you mean inside and out? What does me and my family have to do with what you should understand? I thought we were doing less kid stuff this week. We have to do less kid stuff. We actually did, we ran it into the ground. I said we were doing less kid stuff this week. He fucked it up by bringing it up. All right.

Wait, but I have one more funny bit. Can I do it? Yeah. Yeah. Just do it about Aiden instead. Okay. I want to mold inside out of Aiden. And it'd be like when you get, you know, like on YouTube when they mold anthills by pouring

metal into them. Oh my gosh. It's so mean. Hot molten aluminum inside. And then they pull it out and they have a whole mold of what the anthole looks like inside. So you want like a 3D

representation of his bloodstream? Everything. Yeah, I want it all. They do... Hasn't somebody done this with like a circulatory system? Am I fucking dumb? They do this with monkeys

at the SpaceX Neuralink place. They pour hot molten... They kill the monkey and then they fucking fill place. They pour hot molten... They kill the monkey, and then they fucking fill it. They make its blood into foam. Don't say fucking fill it. They kill it and they fill it. I learned this from someone who literally did this,

and it's harrowing. They make the monkey's blood into foam, and then they observe its physical state, and this kills the monkey. Dude, you know who they did this to? I just read about this. We're glazing over this. There's this Japanese guy

who was making uranium and working with that shit, nuclear energy plant in Japan. And they were cutting corners. They're trying to get out early. They fuck something up. That's communism. They get...

That's what. They get That's what happens they get do you think? Assam wants the world to be like that anyway gets blasted with radiation And his body starts melting into a puddle cool I keep him alive for like two months just to see what happens to him But he's fucking gone and he just becomes like a puddle, like the Wicked Witch of the West. I feel like this isn't true. No, it is. I've also heard about

your blood's blue before it gets out of your skin. They taught me that. Deadass, my 7th grade teacher just sits there and they tell us that our blood is blue inside our body and red when it hits oxygen. Look at your veins.

Dude. And I believe that. Everyone. Yeah. I didn't learn that from a teacher, though. I learned it from a kid in second grade. They only taught him, but they knew he'd believe it. My eighth grade biology teacher told us straight up that evolution was not real.

So. Really? Straight up. Are they alive? I don't know if he's still alive. We should find out. Is Mr. Hutchins still alive? Probably

Most likely Let's find him He wasn't that old Let's fucking get him Let's get him I had a dream like a week ago I'm remembering it now from this That I ran into my teacher

From my language arts teacher that I loved From high school And he just like Didn't care That we ran into each other He didn't care Like I was like I was like oh my god hey And he's like Oh't care that we ran into each other. Like I was like, oh my God, hey. And he's like, oh, hey, I don't know.

What do you want from me? And I have been embarrassingly sad about that until now where I realized it was a dream. What? Did you still saw your dream? I was like, oh, I thought it'd be a nice reunion. But I'm now realizing it didn't. Dude, it didn't happen.

I just missed my high school reunion. But you didn't go. I didn't know. I forgot the date. Dude, I'm one year away. Mine's next year. Let me tell you something about Ludwig. He literally doesn't check the mail to the point that all of our tax documents, when

we lived together, got sent to the house. Sorry, Libs. You got to check your own damn mail. And he threw them away away it's not my mail i have a rule wait really it's from the mailbox to the dumpster all right wait so we have mail at your house that you threw out the dumpster got mail oh and you it's also it's also like documents that we'd probably like shredded better now just full i don't think we should use mail anymore i agree i think email i'm against mail too don't mail me should use mail anymore. I agree. I think email too. I'm against mail.

Don't mail me stuff. Discord me. What if an EMP happens? Now who's talking too? Like where they get rid of all electronics? They? They earned it. That's another they. It's the rush.

It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush.

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It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush.

It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush. It's the rush.

It's the rush. It's the enemies. And they're foreign. When the enemies take out our electronics, I'll be mailing you letters telling you how much I fucking am annoyed by you. Who would function the best after the EMP hits? Because, you know, I want to say Aiden, right? But he's addicted to playing Valorant and being at the office. So I think he lost that spot. I think he lost that spot.

Aiden would be like, dude. We'll get to you in a second. Your whole life would crumble around you. There's no pure water. There's no clean water for me anymore. I think he lost that spot. It would be like it would There's no pure water there's only clean water for me anymore. This is so annoying I don't have clean water doesn't work for this anymore. Yeah Why do they need? Electric I just don't understand hold on I just I don't understand why the water you're taking that completely out of context This is all out of context. This is all out of context I would I would survive the longest you wouldn't stream. I wouldn't need to I can make fires by hands idiot That's actually true. He learned a technical skill. I can make a fire with my fucking hands. No you look at these

I can too bro lighter no. That doesn't make sense because butane would get cut off. Butane is, no, it wouldn't. It would leave the lighter. It would leave the lighter. We would have to leave the EMP. The EMP would be like,

empties it out of the lighter so you have all the, like, float away. You think you would do the best? I would easily, in EMP world. I think, not in EMP,

you know that Discovery show alone? Yes. Where people have to go live in a remote location and it's multiple people and you don't know how long In the EMP world. I think not in EMP. You know that Discovery show alone? Yes. Where people have to go live in a remote location, and it's multiple people, and you don't know how long the other people are lasting, but you have to last the longest. So it's this weird mind game. I like how you say last. Yeah.

Because it's like- You could die. You could die on that show. Dude, we also kind of went through this with like zombie situation, which is basically just EMP, but with like enemies. Yeah. Right. You will.

You and I, I had this idea that I would, Aiden would join a team and you get turned out. Oh, and we would basically, yeah. And we would join, we would be,

we would make factions. I would be a leader of men in EMP times. Why, why isn't EMP apocalyptic? Doesn't it just take down electronics around it for a short period of time? Yeah, EMP would not really. The electronics don't come back. They don't? Oh, it destroys them?

No, they don't. They come back. No, it fucks everything up. I don't know how these work. Okay, so we- Can we agree on an EMP? Can we agree on the Modern Warfare 2 EMP? What is the Modern Warfare?

Yeah, Nox. Well, that just says Nox out. But it comes back. Ludwig, sometimes it doesn't come back. It comes back. What does Modern Warfare 2 do? Your screen gets all kind of weird and blurry a little bit. And then your HUD goes away.

That happens too. Dude, it's such a bad killstreak though. Because you're so close to a nuke. The world goes slow motion for a bit too. You are really close. So Aiden wouldn't know how much ammo he has left? There was a pretty hype trickshot you could do where you'd call the EMP in while you're in midair

cause the whole world would slow down while it's happening. Or no that was a nuke. Yeah. That was a nuke. You call a nuke in and right when it goes off you try to hit a shot while you're in slow motion. Yeah. Because you're making a montage. You're baking it into the game.

And it ends the game right away. Permanently damage electrical components and entire systems. So yeah, it'd be bad. So what I'm saying is I would be a leader of men. Okay?

I'd form a nation. What would it be called? It would be something from Metal Gear. Okay. Obviously. Yeah. By the way,

we watched Color of Friendship this week, the DCOM show. We did watch Color of Friendship. And second movie in a row where he's like, this is just like Metal Gear. Dude, there's literally a geopolitical conflict that the movie centers around. It's just a geopolitical conflict.

Yeah, but it also has to do with like... And there's children saying the hard R in the movie? Anything political. This do with like... So there's children saying the hard R in the movie? Anything political, children do say the hard R in the movie. Do they say the hard R in Metal Gear? Kojima doesn't like to push you, huh? They don't. Kojima doesn't like... He doesn't like the soul to search for answers.

You know what happened when you said that? My brain just ran through a script of a Kodak conversation of Snake saying it in the Metal Gear voice. And I'm like, that's not good. He's just becoming the Dark Souls guy for Metal Gear, but he's also the Dark Souls guy. So everything... They're making Snake say the N-word, Scoob. I also think he has a higher level of knowledge of at least historical, global, political issues. You think he does? Yeah, cuz I think he's got nebula

Yeah, the same way, you know stuff after looking at flashcards. Yeah Yeah My god Spray was last week. No, and he said we had Texas weekend. He goes. Let me do you think we should have pulled out of Afghanistan? He sends me a text this week and he goes, Ludwig, do you think we should have pulled out of Afghanistan? Wait, wait, wait. Out of the blue.

Hold on. I would have said this is because it looks so funny. Just no context. I'm sitting there thinking of like, how should I do my drunk flying stream this week? And I have to tackle this issue now. We'll never have a real job. I can make fire by hand.

I can have a real. You can't make fire by hand. I don't believe you. We have a real job. Dude, I will fucking burn your house down can make fire by hand. I can have a real... You can't make fire by hand. I don't believe you. For one, we have a real job. Dude, I will fucking burn your house down with my fire by hand. That sounds cool. Am I allowed to burn your house down if I do it by hand? Yeah. Wait, what does by hand mean? Like, I make the fire by hand. You would

need to set a trail of, like, wooden fuel that you scavenged for. What you need is you need to make an ember from friction, which isn't too hard to make. Then you need some make an ember from friction which isn't too hard to make then you need some tinder all right I don't want to get back handling do you what do you what do you want out of it oh you're wearing your Fitbit I am I've been a fitbit guy I know I don't really like it cuz I feel like kind of hey yo mama worth it but in they said a billion

And they said a billion. What? Calories. Calories currently in your body. She's just like really fit. Calories currently in your stomach. So she's tracking her calories. Your mom is ridiculous. This is what I said, Ludwig.

Do you think we should have left Afghanistan? Ludwig says, would we did or at all? And I said, at all. He's like, yeah. I said, okay, yay. Dude, what is this? This is just like, I... No, it's from Twitter.

It's a bit. I just, I recreated a bit by accident after I realized what was going on and it looked very funny. I was like, why have I seen this before? Actually, this is just like Modern Warfare 2.

What? Afghanistan. Oh. It's in that game. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, so it's just like it. Do you think if I played all Metal Gear,

we'd be closer? Oh my God. Wow. I think so. A little bit, yeah. Well, you've played Dark Souls, but the thing is you never talk about it, right? I like Dark Souls. But no, that's the thing.

When you played Elden Ring, you just poop socked it in front of a camera for 50 hours. Stop trying to throw poop sock into our podcast. You said it multiple times. I keep saying it. I'm realizing that. It's a phrase that literal only boomers use. This is the one phrase that actually only boomers use.

Where it's just you are grinding something so hard that you poop in a sock to keep going. Oh, I like that. He likes it. The young guy likes it. You did poop sock it. He's the young guy in the office. He used it in maybe the best context you can. It's just like... You did poop sock it.

I realize I've been mixing Poop Sock up with Poop Popsicle. What? Is that where you freeze a poop and use it as a And you eat? No. You use it sexually. I think that's called the Alaskan Pipeline though. No.

Wait, wait. So I learned this from Nick Wang. Nick Wang said Poop Sock because he was doing a lot of accounting stuff He's an accountant. That's just why I asked my street name. He's the oldest human to ever be an accountant. He's not younger than me and you. Accountants age faster. Yeah. He also wanted to be a lawyer which is like even older No, wait is accountant failed lawyer? No, that's a good question. That's not like dentist doctor Wait, is accountant failed lawyer?

No. That's a good question. That's not like dentist doctor. Failed lawyer son. Well, that's the meme, right? Is it? Dude, it's so hard to become a dentist. Yeah, but it's harder to become a doctor.

I don't even think that's necessarily true. There's so much less to focus on. Imagine you were a doctor, but it was only teeth. Yeah, that's like... If there's any dentists that listen, unlikely. I'm sorry, but it's not that hard Your job is easy. I could do it probably first try Your next YouTube video, you know how mr. Beast will go up to people in the street You'd be like do you want to fly to Italy to pretend to go golfing on a blind date or something?

You could do that, but it's slime does a root canal on You want to fly to Italy to pretend to go golfing on a blind date or something? You could do that, but it's slimed as a root canal on somebody on the street. You know what I could do? So there's this reality TV show that never actually aired, but they were filming the pilot. And it was like new teeth. So they'd find people with fucked up teeth and their fucked up story. And then they'd give them free new teeth. What is a fucked up story? It's just like, yeah, I was born in Britain.

I was from a low income area, I wasn't taught to brush my teeth or whatever. Whatever the story is, it's supposed to be heartwarming. Anyway, they're filming the pilot of this. This lady has fucked up teeth. They have all of her teeth removed and then they have to wait after you get your teeth removed to like actually fit like new dentures in there because it's sore and stuff yeah so they wait like like like six months to a year something crazy without teeth in their mouth yes and then and then she hits them up she's

like hey can i get my new teeth now and they're like oh we scrapped the show what and then she's like whoa like what are you gonna do for me they're like nothing like we don't owe you shit like you didn't sign shit bro like you didn't sign shit Bro, like you got fucking gums Was they didn't collab with exhibit for the show and be they could do like Like we took all of Gresham's teeth out and by her back molars we put a fucking PlayStation Imagine your teeth a little tiny TV Imagine your teeth had little tiny TVs on them. Bite down on your right tooth. That's cyanide.

One spins. I was going to say, what if you're like, hey, check this out, and you show a molar. It's just like a little tiny hot wheel that you can spin in the back. That's fucked up that they did that.

That's fucked up. They made her a gum person. That's fucked up. They did make her gummy. So she has to only eat gum foods. And you know what? That was the top comment when I saw it on fucking one of those like

full send Twitter accounts. Dude. And it was like, bro, she gives dummy head. Dude, thinking of a woman. The top. Hearing about a woman who lost all her teeth and instantly thinking about your penis. That's real Nelk boy shit.

Real Nelk boy shit, dude. Real base towers Yeah and then you Suck down a Rona Dude I was thinking Like what if Remember

George Washington Had wooden teeth I say remember Like we knew Oh yeah Back in the day But why not Why don't we just do that

What Why don't we have Like titanium mouths We have like Better science Than like money and stuff You know we have this. There should be a government program that gives us all metal teeth.

What do you think Riff Raff was? Clearly a fucking experiment. He was the guy that the CIA decided he will have the metal teeth. They tried to make a shark guy. They succeeded. But he wanted to rap. The shark guy wants to rap. We gotta give him the coding castle.

We have to. It was a government asset before. We have to give it to him so he stays quiet. And then he went on his journey to eat 5,000 calories in a day every day. Welcome back to The Yard, episode 93. 100. Episode 94.

And real quick before we any further happy birthday slime i went to his house to give him a gift uh and he he slept all day yeah yeah and i think that's the perfect birthday for i gave him a call didn't answer to him he didn't answer me i'll tell you what happened you worried when you woke up and you had multiple calls? No. It was my birthday. Oh. We never call you out. He's the crazy guy. It's not like something. It's not like 30.

But the chances of something went wrong on my birthday, that also had to do with somebody else. Like if Aiden dies and you guys frantically call me. Let me get this straight. Me and Ludwig spam call you, but Aiden doesn't call you once. That's the thing you're not worried? Okay. Well, what I'm saying is if Aiden dies, tragic.

Dead. Ugh. We have a mold in his body. We can maybe recreate him. Maybe we can recreate him inside his organs and his liver and heart. And so, I see that.

It's my birthday. I'm like, okay. I look around. You know, my place is still, it's not on fire. Everything's fine. I'm like, okay,

Aiden might be dead or it's my birthday. I'm not going to freak out. He's not going to affect me like that. Maybe it's Aiden's dead because it's your birthday I'm not gonna freak out he's not gonna affect me like that maybe it's Aiden's dead because it's actually really like powerful you thank you to not let his death affect you negatively I also agree that

that is powerful of me to do and be what slash Jen what you wouldn't be sad oh it's not about that you're making it so weird you're making it about you which is disgusting because it's my birthday yeah so stop making it about you which was yesterday I want to know what i did sorry go ahead let me tell you what i did what'd you do sorry i stayed up all night by

accident and i mean all night and all morning and i went to bed at 12 what'd you do p.m p.m a.m which one's the day one p.m p.m wait isn't that today uh yesterday yesterday he went to bed at noon sunday oh the one the night before that you stayed up all night. Yeah. The day of my birthday, I went to bed at 12 p.m. the day one. You stayed up from midnight to 10. I was just watching Band of Brothers on HBO. Oh, do you like it?

It's kind of mid. Good. That's all right. And yeah, it was kind of mid. And then I was just like, well, my schedule is fucked now. And it's my birthday. Oh, no. And then I just fell asleep and woke up at 8 p.m.

Very free. 33? 33 years old. That's peak. So I did it. I did spend it in the way that God wanted me to, which was sleeping on the floor. You're in the peak physical condition of your life. I am.

As a 33-year-old man. Like Jesus Christ and Tom Brady. Like Jesus Christ. This is when you're supposed to kill yourself, according to Aiden. Yeah. Before the pod. So beforehand, we were talking, like, I said, explain that like yourself, according to Aiden. Yeah. Before the pod. So beforehand, we were talking, like, I said, explain that like I'm five, Aiden. And then me and Ludwig tried to pretend we were his five-year-old kids.

And then I started asking him, what happens when we die? And he was having a real hard time describing eternity. Yeah, he told us we go to heaven. We go to heaven. And then we asked if we should kill ourselves at our peak physical age so we have that body in heaven for eternity and he said yeah. And you said yeah

and so that was kind of a simulation of what your kid. Because then you're locked in. You want your best shot. When you have to wrestle Jesus to get through the gates. He's like,

he's pretty easy to beat. That's why, that's why every, that's why they don't tell you every like 80 year old that dies, they don't make it in. If we somehow prove that, if we somehow proved like when you die, Every that's what they don't tell you every like 80 year old that dies and they don't make

We somehow proved like when you die you for sure go to heaven is real and also you go is the age you are Yeah, I think I'm killing myself at baby the work When do you stop growing? It's like Neverland. It's like Neverland. Like, when do you stop growing? Yeah. Just at arbitrary age? That's fucking stupid. You die in heaven, you come back to the regular world. You die in heaven?

I believe in reincarnation. What? Wait, you can't just mix and change. You just live out your life in heaven. Oh, I can't mix shit. You're making a fucking Chipotle order.

You can't just fucking pick what you want. You gotta choose one line. Eternity with guacamole and one naked Jesus. And throw reincarnation on the side. Imagine being- okay fine, I'll be a baby in heaven forever. That sounds like shit. You don't know English? You don't know how to use Nintendo?

Free fish and wine? I don't really know what to do. You have no sentience, you never learned anything. Would I have glasses in heaven? Or would I be like- no you'd be a blind little dipshit baby. Would I do the same? I'd go- And I'm like Logan Paul? Would you learn? Would you be like Hasbulla? I'm the Hasbulla of you learn would you be like a hospital?

Of heaven Who's speaking about Hasbulla like he's a mythical creature right now? It's like he's a little- He's learned to speak! He's like a Greek, like, monster. Yeah. Hey, he can- hey, he can speak. Someone put a beat on. He presumably has the mind of an adult, right? MF Doom was just three of them motherfuckers. Why do you say presumably? Presumably this creature has the mind of an adult with a body of a child.

It's like you're talking about like an animal skull. What Shane, what Shane, what Shane we do Swype? Do we kill him? When he eventually passes natural causes we should put his body in like a time capsule for aliens to fuck him. They're like, whoa, they were way smaller. This is what it was like. They were way smaller. They're like, no way. It's like, well, surely this was a child.

It's like we measured it with our bone measurer. It wasn't a child. He was 100. Oh, God bless. I got you a birthday present. Really, Lovey Unders? Yeah, Zipper, can you show the video that I sent? I had to bid.

I got into a bidding, a small bidding war. You bid for my gift? I had to bid for your gift. That's, a small bidding war. You bid for my gift? I had to bid for your gift. That's crazy. You know what I did for Aiden? I just texted him happy birthday. Yeah, I did the same for Aiden, too. I didn't get you a gift.

That's your Jesus year, baby. Jesus year. Zipper, you got it? Send it to your Discord. Give me wax, Jesus. There we go, there we go. So you see this painting on the bottom right? Dude. This was painted by a monkey named-

Amaru said, I know. Yeah, named uh i believe oppa and so oppa would would grab onto this little ball stupid and then do the strokes and then painted this and i bid on this pin i got you this painting so you're gonna receive this painting that's so nice you know what's funny i slept through this auction uh-huh if i what you slept through it it's like you know what's funny I sleep a lot I just slept through the stream I hated it

I was gonna I wanted to watch this and get the monkey picture if I would have been a human being who doesn't walk the we would have been

in a bidding war against each other were you on an alt no were you on Ludwig 2 Vengeance I should have been because I was on my main account

and I was watching on mute while like doing a call and then I said, hey chat, ping me when it's the monkey painting. They pinged me every painting and they said it's the monkey lying to me hoping I would bid on it because I would just buy and give more money to the charity.

I kept tuning in and be like, yeah, the fucking frog painted this. I'm like, fuck the frog. Yeah, fuck the frog. I want the frog painting. How much did you blow on the monkey painting? It doesn't matter. For charity. Well, I mean, you can still blow money on charity. Two band. Two bands for the

animals? Two band. Two rack. I could have made that in five minutes. That's actually true. Nick is more talented than that tiny little animal. He's so rich. Well, the animal definitely made it way faster than you. You're going to pay me two band for that. Two band. No one would pay you two band. I'd pay two bands for the animal definitely made it way faster than you. You're going to pay me two band for that. Two band. No one would pay you two band. I'd pay two band for the Nick painting.

We should all make paintings. I'd dust you guys. Whoa. What a conversation. That's the thing about art. He doesn't understand. He used to paint. No, it's a competition.

This is a competition. I will win. It's more of a race to the bottom between me and Anthony. I make beautiful art. Anthony's a goat, I think, secretly. I'm secretly a goat. I would love to see

what his mind does. Oh, I will lose this competition. Yeah, you draw something. What would you draw? You'd probably be like,

this is a place in Norway I made up I want to live at. I wish I could paint that. I wish I could conceive that. I wish I could

paint that. too much. I want to uplift you. What would you draw? I would try to draw, I'd paint a panda because it uses a limited color set Expression yeah, that's black and white I would just play she I would would paint the equivalent of a background. I think I would draw a silhouette of a Voltorb.

That'd be good. Dude, your shirt right now, by the way, is very sexual, but from this angle, it looks like you're wearing an insane person gown that you would shit your pants in or something. Can you show the chat?

Show chat. Show chat what you're wearing. Yeah. So it looks like a normal big dress gown shirt, right? Well, it kind of works because he's wearing the yard parka. No, but look, look. Parka on sale. But look at the...

He said this is the parka. It's no longer a parka. No, you got a zipper on that, John. Dude, look at this. You got a zip. It's a... Bro, I've been saying it's a fuck me dress. Look at this fuck me dress he's wearing.

Yo, can you actually wear it like that? That is way hotter. No, it's... Don't wear it like that. It's a, bro, I've been saying it's a fuck me dress. Look at this fuck me dress he's wearing. Joe, can you actually wear it like that? That is way hotter. No, it's, don't wear it like that. That's hard. Bro, you look like,

this is how people in anime dress. You look like you're in, like a, like the army. For me. when Austin runs the train, I'll be ready. Oh my God.

Here we go. You seen this clip? I have seen it. It made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't watch the, I didn't watch the, I didn't watch the... I didn't like that clip. Apparently, it's not...

I lose. I lose in the war. Of the train war? Well, I heard both of you lose in the train war. No, we did fine. You also lost to me. I won Will Neff. Oh.

Do they just pick... They pick apart us like piranhas? Yeah, they just say what they want to sexually do to us. Yeah, we're objects for their disposal. They say what they want to do to you. That's okay. So you're like top draft pick, right? No, I think Aiden's the top pick.

Will Aiden and Austin show have sex one day? Well, I think Aiden... Not while I'm in a relationship. Would you broadcast it? I think Amy Not while I'm in a relationship Would you broadcast it? How much money You and Austin show

Broadcast live The suckin' fuckathon Live from a cube The fuckathon It's a subathon Live from a hot cube Every sub One more fuck

Live from a hot steamy cube Would you do it for a million? One sub One fuck That's so cheap That's way too cheap Would you do it for a million dollars? Don't pretend you're pricey

All of a sudden I would for that You've't you pricey all of a sudden? I went for that You've gone through 29 years of just being a cheap date. I'm not only nine Well, so he'd refused that but on the cheap day part shit true tracks. We all know that mm-hmm Yeah, good What is it? What did you did you like get gifted that? I got it in Japan. Oh, really? What, is it okay now?

It's okay now? Now it's cool and fashionable. I like it. Actually kind of Sugoi. No cap. Look, to do it live, maybe like $4 million. With $3 million, you could, to do it live, maybe like, maybe like 4 million. With 3 million, you say no. Yeah.

You just literally say no. And you're bottom. I respect that. Yeah. 3 million dollars, you say, I'm not doing this. He said his price, man. Yeah, 3 million, no. That's crazy. I just don't believe him.

Because it's like. How about 3, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9? It has to be a number. Because I think if I do it. Because it's like It has to be a number Because I think if I do it For some reason I have this idea Of like the yard being over

Like it's a yard And we can't be seen With gay Now that I've like We find out Aiden's gay because he fucked and got a cube On television What? You didn't tell me.

Four seems like a nice number. And then I call him, and I'm like, you should have told me. We pivot, we take Crowder's role, the three of us combined. Dude,

not Crowder, but Yingling, on the topic of not- Hey, you are out of context. Peace in a pod. They do the same thing. Yingling just didn't know who Tucker Carlson was.

Oh my God. Or Steven Crowder. Did you know who Tucker Carlson was? He was roasting. It's weird to not know who Tucker Carlson is. At our age, in this economy. I think it's fine. He's the Aurora Borealis localized in our kitchen.

He is the biggest show on the biggest news network in the country i don't think or he did for knowing who tucker carlson was he's like well i guess you watch right wing stuff now he was doing it like he was doing it like oh how do you know the porn stars we were in a call and i'm just like oh it's crazy like have you seen this tucker carlson stuff about him losing like his gig at fox and he's like who is tucker carlson and then i'm explaining to him who this is and he's like you watch that guy you shouldn't be watching stuff like that my theory is like just a famous person that arizona kept yingly in a little cardboard box and then when he moved here he got opened up to so many yeah they threw him in a box they fed him gummy gummy bears only. He only knows about insurance.

He does know so much about insurance. He also knows a lot about BrioCart maps and which to counterpick against Anthony. That is inside the box. That is in the Arizona box. He just gets his dubs occasionally. Did I ever tell you guys about when we played BrioCart once? I don't think so. Me, Ben, and Yangling.

It's like one of the first times we ever hung out. I was living in this nice ass apartment in Arizona Oh yeah, yeah, I remember Yeah, no, it was It was a one-two-two place It was above like a bar, right? It was above a bar Yeah, it was close to a bar

It was on like Mill It was off Mill App Well, yeah It was off Mill App I mean, everything kind of is, right? Right next to Whiskey Row We called it Milla Whiskey Row, 18 and up only

Only spot 21 up for sure because of the alcohol. No, no, no. If you knew the bouncer, you could go. If you knew the bouncer, it was 18 and up. It was a spot you could go if you were 18. It was the only spot. You were 40.

I was a professor. I lived there. And I was a creep. Because I was splitting rent with my girlfriend at the time, but then we broke up, so I lived there by myself. So then I forced myself to hang out with people by inviting them over. I invite Ben and Yingo off a whim, just saying, I say, hey, come over. And they're like, let's play beer. I'm like by myself. So then I forced myself to hang out with people by inviting them over. I invite Ben and Yingo off, off a whim,

just saying, I say, Hey, come over. And they're like, let's play beer. I'm like, great.

So we're sorry. We're cracking new a few beers. We got like a 12 pack of Michelob's of course. First race, Ben starts drinking and it just goes down wrong. And he goes, he goes, Oh,

this isn't good. And then just projectile vomits all over the rug in, in my, in my, in my, in my, over the rug in my table. This is Ben? This is first drink? This is Ben. First drink. Is that his origin moment? He's like, never again.

First drink. Goes over to the bathroom, fucking cleans himself up, comes back out. Second race we go. You keep going? Yeah, we keep going. That's awesome. Boot and rally. Because Ben's not the one who's going to be like, you know what, like you know guys we shouldn't today second drink we start chugging again yingo

starts vomiting a little bit on the couch it just dribbles out of him what's wrong with you i don't know what's the most pathetic picture they're not drunk they're they're not drunk it's their first ones these guys by the way like at this point are titans of beerio like they they're very good actually use cores like are they to Michelob? I don't know what happened to them on this day. You got these sick-ass Ipecac beers. Michael Ultra.

First and only time, this group of three, we just had to stop playing. Whoa. Just because they yacked up all their beers. But the dark day. They just couldn't hold it down.

That's like whiskey dick for the boys. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. I just want them to perform. there whiskey dick for them to perform? So whiskey dick for girls is whiskey dick. Yeah. And then whiskey dick for

boys is not being able to play beerio because you're throwing up too much. I think a lot of people would relate to that. That's all I'm saying. That's so sad. Aiden, you guys don't know this, but Aiden thinks that he can defeat a pit bull in hand-to-hand combat. In the premium episode, we just argued for an hour whether or not Aiden could Aiden, you guys don't know this, but Aiden thinks that he can defeat a pit bull in hand-to-hand combat.

In the premium episode, we just argued for an hour whether or not Aiden could beat a dog and then... In a fight. He swears to God. Jesus Christ, I'm 100% confident with a single kick. I'm sitting back against the wall, stadium filled around me. I sleep the pit bull. He said he could sleep any dog, any child, and any single farmer. So you want to go see that live?

You can, because we're going to throw that event. It's going to be a real event. You could use SeatGeek. Sanctioned by the California Athletic Commission. Me versus the pit bull. And also some sort of dog governing organization. And if you don't like Twinks fighting dogs, there's 70,000 events every single day on SeatGeek. You can pick any other event to go to.

I use SeatGeek to get the tickets to my Lakers games that I like going with Mango to. Look, you can see it right here. There's Ludwig buying the ticket and also being an idiot just talking to Mango. He actually sent him the Mr. Krabs picture. You know the one with the tomato. What I did, though, is I used code DEYARD20 and I got $20 off my tickets at SeatGeek just by using the code THEYARD. THEYARD. THEYARD.

That's $20 off your first purchase promo code THEYARD. We're just like John Boy. Make sure you click the link in the description, download the app, SeatGeek.com. Go to SeatGeek, watch Aiden fight a dog. John Boy thinks I'd win, too. Or go to a Paramore concert. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me.

It's actually fundamentally the same show. Yeah. Hayley Williams will be at either show. Hayley Williams will also be at one of them, and we won't say which one. Yeah, that's a fun little game. Don't miss out on Hayley. Cgeek.com, code the yard for $20 off tickets.

Thanks for being green. Same T-Geek, and now back to this geek in a seat in the regular episode I felt like this past weekend Cause I missed The actual yard era Of people fighting out back In the old house that you guys

Lived in They were saying you missed it No literally missed it And I went over to hang out with uh based fox a melee player and a bunch of other uh guys i i met at smash camp and i hung out this weekend and they moved into a new place together like a group of them and uh we're just like playing melee drinking talking we went to like a bar for a while we walked around like hollywood came back and then when we get back and i sit down to play more melee but uh will who's there comes over to

me and is like we're bad diesel derrick is about to fight pizza boy in the yard these guys rip this sounds cool no no they're sounds cool. No, no, they're not ripped. Base Fox, no, no, no. That's just asking if they're cool. Keep going, keep going. Let me, let me. Oh, do these guys rip? Keep going, man.

Tell them about Diesel Derek. Pizza Boy apparently wrestled really well in high school. Who is Pizza Boy? He's their neeper. Oh. A wrestler is a powerful foe. The rules are that Pizza Boy only gets one arm to wrestle Derek. Wow.

And Derek has to do his best to pin Pizza Boy once in like five minutes. He has five minutes to pin him once. And we watch them go at it in the back of the yard for the full five and just watch Pizza Boy take down Derek with one arm over and over and over again while everybody cheers. That's how my goat does it. Wrestling is a powerful skill if you're trying to

wrestle. Write that down. Yeah, that's big. Can you shut the fuck up? I felt like it captured this little moment of what you guys talk about. I was never there for it. It captured this little moment of what you guys talk about I was never there for it it captured a larger moment

I think the yard was never more than a minute and a half when I watched it oh we were fast Derek had a lot of time Derek had a lot of time to make it happen I'll tell you what we did not have training in the wrestling which made it a little more exciting

because you never knew who was going to win yeah it was kind of a just a wild mess also like were those guys wasted? No, no. Everybody was drunk, but I wouldn't say wasted. I had one trick in me, too.

It was just literally going behind and just putting him in a fucking head hold, and that was it. Yeah, you can't let that happen. I was sleeper like Saul the Snake. I would just go behind him, do it, put him down, and then go to the next person, do it, put him down. I'll never forget when you beat Ben and Miles 2v1,

and Miles after is trying to talk shit, and Ben just keeps saying, Miles, he beat us 2v1, man, shut up. It doesn't matter. You know it was fucking bullshit, dude. It's funny. Ludwig always represented this fucking rock in the road Like, you know it was fucking bullshit, dude. It's funny. Ludwig always represented like this, this like fucking rock in the road for everything.

Goliath. The Goliath figure. Yeah, it was like for those guys, it was like physical strength and drinking. For me, it was like being handsome for the forever. Like there was always something we had to defeat you at. Yeah. You know what? It was always you guys applying it to me. Yeah.

Because that was the funny part. Because you get to just be that. That's right. No, no, no. But I wasn't that. Like historically, like in high school, I was not like the handsome guy. But then I started playing Smash. It doesn't matter, Ludwig.

And then Slime would be like fucking this handsome guy. When we project our problems onto you, it doesn't matter what you think or say. I think you are a pretty fit and like a hot guy in normal terms. I'm not interested. I like you. I beat you on the trade chart. I beat you on the trade chart. I was higher ranked than you. So I don't have anything to prove. Alright, awesome. I'll see you more, bro.

Four million. I'll wait for it to come your way. Four million dollars in your bank account. We need to see them chicks. I'm gone. Oh, you're out. That would be fucking good. You're not out. I think I lose nowadays. To the yard?

To Ben and Miles? You do not lose to the field. You work out literally five days a week and you're a dumb piece of shit. I just don't think I have that dog in me to fight. Yeah, but you wouldn't just let them defeat you. I think I would defeat you. I think you still would.

I don't think anything's changed. I think you've all scaled similarly, but you've gotten stronger. Well like muscular sure, but like I just I had an anger in me Yeah, it's true. I had a fire in me. It's true. You need that fire to win a fight. He doesn't need the win anymore. It's true. That's true. I've pacified. When the fire go out? When did it- where did it come from? It's when he got validated through his career. Where'd it come from? No, he's asking where it came from. Anger. Anger? What were you angry about?

Just fucking everything, man. I'm just a bad fucking boy. His friends saw him as an enemy to be defeated. Yeah. That'll do it. Yeah, it's weird. Like, who made him out to be that? Me.

Which one of us? Are you never listening? A lot of these were doing Mario Party 2, which there was a lot of reasons to be angry in the middle of all that. There was a lot of anger swirling, and I used it as fuel, and I fought. And now you're no longer an angry bear.

I'm no longer, I have no anger. I'm on I have no enemies TikTok. I actually want to fight, I think I want to fight somebody, but like right after I've played Mario Kart and see how different it is. You would have a lot more anger. Yeah.

Yeah. The anger powers you through. But I think you'd feel a lot worse after. Definitely. Well, yeah. Well, it's more like my question to you, Ludwig,

is what do I need to do to you to get that out? That anger? Yeah. How do we bring it back? What if I... I'm trying to think. How do we turn you back? What if I... I'm trying to think. How do we turn you into the Hulk?

I don't think you can. I think if I threw coots against the wall like a basketball. Then you would do that. That would be so wrong. Is that how you would react? You'd be like, hey, come on, bud. Dude! Come on!

What the fuck, dude? This is so lame. You came over, you brought Taco Bell, you did that? You'd bring Taco Bell over? Yeah, I would lull you to a false... I would distract you with a Taco Bell, like a stealth game. It's not like I'm out here. You don't need to do that.

If you came over, I wouldn't be suspicious. You don't need a Taco Bell to distract you came over, I wouldn't be suspicious. You don't need a Taco Bell to distract me. You walk in with a lot of Taco Bell. You're like, hey, Ludwig. Where's Coots? I have a secret. You often come over now. Let me tell you something.

If you see me, you should be suspicious. You should be all alert. Well, now I'm suspicious because you're being weird. You should be like Quiver if you see him. Don't talk to coots. Does he make you quiver? In your butt region. No one makes me quiver and don't go near coots.

I throw the cat. Does no one make you quiver? I throw the cat. Do you fight me with anger and rage? I don't know. I would probably try to. You love that cat. I do love that cat.

And now it's not going to be able to do math in its head. It's doing math now? I'm sure cat math of some sort. Is it still like the number system? I don of some sort it's just pictures of little cats in his head you're an idiot I'm fucking throwing your cat down I popped cuties stream yesterday and she was making the Kirby cake just really cute. Oh my God. Rest in peace, by the way.

You were supposed to receive this. She made a beautiful Kirby cake. She was putting it in the fridge and it got destroyed. She was so destroyed yesterday. How'd it get destroyed? Just in putting it in the fridge in that travel time

just because it had melted by sitting out for a little bit. It just fell apart. And it was for me? Yeah, it was for you. Shit. Yeah. Wow. Did you take the key lime pie, by the way? It's in the office. Rad says it's got a piece. and it was for me yeah it was for you shit yeah wow

did you take the key lime pie by the way uh it's in the office Rad says got a piece you get a piece Yingo got a piece I'm trying to watch my figure

you didn't even touch bro I'm trying to watch my figure she always did this at the home too she would always make like a giant cake and be like

if anyone wants to eat it here's my dark theory while we were all living together is that Cutie wanted to fatten us all up to eat us yeah and i brought this up with you privately on more than one occasion and you never took me seriously yeah she wanted to you think i should have taken you seriously i think cutie would would if i was if i was plump and ripe she would why did she never eat slime

uh no she would feast on Aiden while sleeping inside my carcass like the revenant like like Luke Skywalker did

yes but in an updated version Leonardo DiCaprio does this with a horse that he is that why he won the Oscar yeah cause he slept

in a horse cause he did it they did it with a real horse real horse yeah did they no of course not.

This is true. This is true. There's no way. That's crazy. It's gross. Did they kill the horse? Christopher Nolan was like, we're going to do this practical. Dad, did they kill the horse?

It was already a dead horse. So they sourced a dead horse on ice, drove it into the Canadian wild. Yep. Yep. I would have killed it on set you would have killed the horse no you wouldn't you like animals a lot

I do you wouldn't have done it but I'm saying which is why by the way you wouldn't throw coots against the wall like a basketball

no I'm just trying to fucking find a hypothetical situation where the anger is unleashed I don't think I would I think I'd be upset at you yeah I think I'd be angry

we've known Slam a long time I don't think I'd kill you we've known Slam a long time I don't think I'd kill you We've known Slam a long time Yeah Me and you Me a little longer Not Aiden When did he start liking animals so much?

Ooh It wasn't when we met him Guess what bitch Always I think he's always liked animals But it's like one of those things But like it wasn't a personality trait When a guy talks

You like repress it You think he was You don't think he trusts us As boys Yeah like I think There's probably at some point Where at his life maybe high school maybe college where he just liked animals But I never mentioned a monkey one right like you It's like oh, I don't want to be like a fuck. I don't like want to like animals cuz it's gay

like gaming and No, I think It never came up in conversation, dude. No, bro. We don't- We do not ask you to bring up monkeys. We don't ask you to bring up monkeys. No, I'm talking about before that. I don't think now we don't do it.

You bring up a monkey every day. Now, it is my literal job to talk about myself and the things around me. Don't you understand? You had a podcast before this. Here's what happened. You started living with me. That's what it was. No, you didn't do this at the old house either. You didn't do this at the original house.

You didn't do this at the piss house. You never talked about animals in the first house we lived in together. I didn't call you guys bears and shit. No. Well, I was always around for bear era. What happened? You called us slurs exclusively. It's me. Something changed. I changed.

You know what it was? I think it was that Republican girl from Tinder you slept with. Why? was that Republican girl from tinder you saw Why she was she made you swing? She saw a Republican out of you any amount that was in there, and you became full. She's so bad you went liberal It was the chicken I ate oh my god in San Francisco the estrogen chicken

the estrogen chicken oh my god you're not back on this it was the chicken it was vegetarian chicken I've talked about this before on the pod yeah I know

I ate this vegetarian chicken shut the fuck up it was vegan and it was no it was vegetarian pussy boy and I went And I ate it

And then I got a haircut And I started welling up At the thought of Miles being gone Cause he went back home And I missed him That's his normal Chicken

The chicken made me And I gaslit you Into thinking It made you love animals And want breasts The thing is He didn't even know That the chicken had estrogen

I just gaslit him Into thinking that And now he's ran with it for like six years. No, I thought about it before I even talked to your dumb ass. But I validated it. Yeah, you did. And I was like, yeah, the chicken. And I love believing people.

The chicken's going to make you grow tits. You know what? Someone brought up a really good point when after that came up and they were like, slime, if like chicken had like estrogen in it that gave you tits, then like trans people would be eating that like in droves. I brought this up up and I and this is my point. No. Yeah. Well someone else said it. It was me Control the soy market Can you imagine so you no longer need to get like cleared for HRT you just go to your local KFC No it would be like a Heisenberg

KFC doesn't have a whole load of soy They would have a black market that they run like the mafia The soy black market What I'm saying is But still run by KFC No they wouldn't sell it to KFC that's what I'm saying it'd be like drugs Chick-fil-a would be in a situation. I have to get on some fucking poor black market to buy my soy estrogen chicken. They'd be selling high tea chicken at Chick-fil-A.

If soy was that good and it made you grow tits instantly, no Fortune 500 company would get their hands on it. They'd be growing that shit fucking premium. You don't think large capitalist corporations would want they don't get their hands on fucking meth why do you think that is it's illegal oh these things aren't illegal right that metaphor is bad getting your hands on it that's just so that's a bad way to put it i thought you were saying they would they would want to touch it you're you're equivocating estrogen and meth right now get it do you think

that's bad to do it no anyway zero problem it was a good point and i thought about that and i was like after i heard that i was like there's probably not that that chicken's probably not the reason i love animals it's not but here's the thing at my like Old old job Like for BTS When I didn't do shit I would watch I would do three things One Play the Facebook basketball game And

Post memes In the Claremont group chat You know the days I know the days Number two I would watch Low tier god videos On YouTube

Compilations Number three I would look at pictures of dogs All day I'm sorry Am I bothering you? No I have good news for you. What?

The Kirby was saved. Oh, jeez, man. I'll just send you a picture, man. I'll just send you a picture of it. So what I'm saying is I looked at animals a lot. I think if I saw the first four words of a story in writing, I could say which one of you is telling the story. The slime stories start usually at my old, old job.

Or I had this friend. He lives in a trailer park. Those are the two startings. Ludwig is always in college. And then a story. And then Aiden is like niche smasher name from France. Me and K. Nobody fucking knows.

Me and Baxan. And y'all writing. I was thinking about that. And y'all writing. And Mahi. Can you show the picture, Zipper? Here's a Kirby man. That looks different than I thought it would look. Well, he got reconstructed.

He needs pupils. He's getting worked on. He's getting work done. His feet look like they got bunions. Alright, you got to be mean. Come on, bro. You don't think you're being mean? He's getting work done. He needs pupils. His feet look like they got bunions. All right. You're not even being mean. Come on, bro. You don't think you're being mean. You don't think you're being mean when you say his feet look like bunions to somebody who made a nice cake for you.

You think you're being nice. You think that's a nice thing to say. Can you maybe, like, smooth out the texture a little bit? Bro. How do you think you're being nice? You think when she listens to this, she's going to be like, oh, wow, Simon's super nice about the cake. I think it looks great. I feel really good that I think it looks great I feel really good that I- I think it looks great

I'm glad I made him a birthday cake She- you gotta put pupils on before you take the picture You think it's done? Do you think it's done right now? I just wanted to show you cause the cake got broke and she rebuilt it and she was just happy It is salvaging No I'll tell her I'll tell her No I'm not gonna tell her right now

Slime said the feet look like bunions and you're actually a shit fucking baker No please don't You can't type that fast She's gonna hear it She's gonna hear it so I might You can tell her right now. I'm so the feet look like bunions and you're actually a shit fucking baker. No, please don't. You can't type that fast. She's gonna hear it. She's gonna hear it, so I might as well tell her now. Well, maybe I can clarify. Clarify, clarify, clarify. No, you're good.

You can save this. Clarify. It's Kirby bunions, which are in the universe. They're magic. Clarify, buddy. What's going on? How do you know I saved this one?

Clarify that it is cool. See, I don't know if the context of it getting fucking broken and shit. He just gave you the context. You actually did that. No, no, no, no. I'm saying I don't if the context of it getting fucking broken and shit. He just gave you the context. You actually did it. No, no, no, no. I'm saying I don't have the context of like seeing it and all this shit. Like that is the first exposure of the Kirby that I have seen.

He said he didn't know what it looked like before, I think. It was broken. Sorry. I haven't seen what it looked like before. I don't know what it looked like when it was destroyed. So when you show me this like reconstructed Kirby, it's like. Mean man. I'm not mean.

Leave a little man. I just couldn't. It's like it had no pupils. That was the final. If that was the final, she hands it to you. I'd be like, it has no pupils. It's just a fundamental,

it's just a fundamental like thing you put on a Kirby is like pupils in his eyes. I don't think it's done. It's all lined up. I think you are for sure. I'm what? Just, you don't understand. Kind of. It's all lined up. I think you are for sure. I'm what? Just you don't understand. Kind of say fondant freaks me out. I've thought about this so long.

How about that? Fondant's also scary. It's like the shit you put on cakes. I don't think it's fondant on that. Oh, really? I don't think it's fondant. In general, there probably is. Maybe the eyes are made of fondant.

But like, it just freaks me out whenever I see it. It's like the stuff that you mold with for like cakes and stuff. Does it freak you out? I don't know. It freaks me out too. It's like eating, in my head, I've never, I don't think I've ever eaten fondant. Maybe I have if I went to like a bakery or something, but like it makes me think I'm eating clay. I think the estrogen did hit you and affected me too. Him? We all ate at the chicken place. You guys would be a soy bar. I'm in his AOE, his estrogen. The three of us ate at the chicken place. You're telling me fondant scares you? Yes. With three of us, me? Not place You're telling me Fondon scares you? Yes Wait three of us me?

Not the game Fondon No you didn't It was me and Ludwig I'm sad Was it me and you? Chicken place? Yeah yeah I ate there Where was this?

It was in Oakland San Jose Where was the San Jose? It was in Genesis I ate there Yeah a bunch of us did This is nature This is the best vegan vegetarian chicken I've ever had in my life

Wow Best? Yeah Yeah cause it does thank you. I'm happy for all of you. That's right. And my breasts are coming in nicely. So we ate weird chicken, and then years and years and years later, I get crucified because

when I see things without pupils, they freak me out. You're a fucking Disney adult. All right. Isn't this hard? Is it all cake in there? No, it's not hard. You don't like this shirt There's Disney adult bro. You don't like this. I'm working No, you wouldn't expect slime to wear it really I feel like I would expect you to wear that what I wouldn't expect you to come in wearing like nice like I don't wear nice clothes like my dress I don't do it if you can't that that would be nuts that blow my mind you guys would be all fucked up about it you

be like damn maybe like metal Gear is a good game. Why would that? I wouldn't think of Metal Gear. Did you guys know that Henry Kissinger is still alive? I don't know who that is. That's a boomer name. He's like a...

He's in a rap lyric, I know. A former secretary of state who like, uh, committed a bunch of horrific war crimes. Oh, really?

Yeah. I always thought he was dead. That's my go. Now that he's alive this week. He's 99 years old. That's your goat. Don't say that. We don't know what kind of crime

he did. We don't know what kind of crime. You shouldn't say that. If he's your goat, that would be really bad. Considering, maybe. He's in the running. You're just shocked

that he's alive? Yeah, because he's... I... He's just so old he's all of the horrific things he did were from such a a long time ago and he was already old when he did this you forgive him so i just yeah that's what i was getting him him and margaret i'm like i was that the thatch is chill too now. Yeah, she's chill you forgive and forget It makes me school. Why are you screaming at so much that like what is that? You know that?

That's a word. You know, that's a word right? You know, yeah, that sounds like you know, wait, what is it? It's like when you thatch it's like bringing things together. It's like you can thatch your fence. Zimbra, please prove you're wrong. I'm begging you. Is there a camping thing that you learned the other way and you're like doing this again? You soft hands wouldn't get it.

A roof covering of straw meets palm leaves. He said he had a verb to cover. To cover with straw. That's what I was saying. You put things together. You constructed

and you're thatching the roof. That's fucked up. You could thatch things. He wasn't completely right but he was close enough. I knew you could thatch shit. Yeah. You guys couldn't thatch shit. Soft hands, I could, but he was close enough. I knew you could thatch shit. Yeah. You guys couldn't thatch shit.

Soft hands, I could. See, you can't light a fire. I do have fire. Buttercup, buttercup. You have a walking treadmill in your house. You are not prepared for the EMP.

I'm in the walking treadmill so that when the EMP hits, I will figure out how to walk outside. That's what I do. I walk outside like a goddamned american i do that too no you don't i do no he i do he i have a trail that i walk famously does that

well you ride your moped you're on your trail i don't ride the moped around the trail but the trail is like 3k 4k steps and i find 10k a day your life is a series 10k a day your life is a series of doing something really intensely for like two weeks and then never talking about it again

your life is a series of becoming Shrek what does that mean that's hurtful I just want to say something hurtful it's not hurtful because it doesn't make sense

I'm not Scottish you look like an ogre looking like an ogre I don't I know I look the same you were literally just making fun of how he looks.

You needed to go with something more specific. That's a lot of mean shit. That's good shit. That's just uncut mean. But right now, it's treadmill. No, it's walk until I die, baby. Why walk? I love walk. Why not run?

I actually got into running a bit. What? Walking's the step to running run i actually got into running a bit what walking's the step to running like i saying say i got into running a bit but you mean walking like a bit like very literally i dabbled i'm running i'm running slow i'm running so slow that it's like i'm warming myself into running yeah but are do you walk so much because running's washed running is so ass running's very hard to do it is so ass but i think running's dope i follow this guy on tiktok he does ultra marathons he ran 650 miles in the month of march which is an average of like 21 miles a day he damn near averages a marathon a day he did two ultra marathons which is 100 miles how much time is that? It took him It's a really long time. It's like

multiple days. I'm saying he runs like a marathon a day. Like normally or just? No, no, no. He just averaged that over the course of the month. But he did two ultra marathons and I think it takes him about like 15 hours. I bet his heart's the size of a fucking grapefruit.

He's got a fucking, he did a 250 mile run. I watched that video. Crazy. He's got a fucking, he did a 250 mile run. I watched that video. Crazy. You know it's bad, right? Like professional athletes, they get their heart so big and juicy that it like gives them problems. People say this, but it's like, I don't think it's worse than like the average American lifestyle.

Like they're like, it's actually bad for you. It's like, yeah, but like how you're fucking living is probably worse. Like if you can run 250 miles, that is not worse for you than the sedentary lifestyle of an office worker. I'm healthy. Would you rather have a grapefruit-sized heart or a heart filled to the brim with pasta? The grapefruit-sized heart one.

With fettuccine alfredo. For sure the grapefruit-sized heart. I don't know. It's a toss-up. You know what? Actually, I think my lifestyle might be healthier than this guy's. I think I, running less what? Actually, I think my lifestyle might be healthier than this guy's. I think I, running less, am healthier. I think this guy's very fit. He's also, by the way, he's 60.

Oh, so his heart's probably huge. Old-ass dude. Because he's been doing it. He's an old-ass dude. His heart's probably the size of half a basketball. He might not be 60. I can't tell old people. He's older.

You have influence. Can you ask him how big his organs are? I don't think he knows. Can you use your influence to ask him about his organs? I don't think he knows that answer. Do you think to ask him about his organs? I don't think he knows that answer. Do you think a guy 60 never got an x-ray? I guess it wouldn't show the heart in the x-ray, right? A guy 60 never gets medical tests to figure out if he's good to run 650 miles.

I think he gets cleared. Quit telling me some bullshit. Put your hands up if your credit score is above 600. Keep your hand up if it's above 700. Keep your hand up if it's above 800. Keep your hand up if it's above 800. Not me. I actually just, mine's like 798. I actually just checked.

Put your hand down. Isn't that crazy though? Also, you're just below 700. Let's not talk about that. Let's talk about what? Why is your credit score so bad? You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are.

You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are.

You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are.

You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are.

You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. You're so much worse than we are. We are personal finance at the fires and cases your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills all one place It also check your low credit score. You also can help you check you really shockingly low It correlates does not cause a over 80% of you have subscriptions They forgot about most Americans spent around $80 a month on subscriptions, but they think that, but the total is actually closer to $10. Bro, I literally, yesterday, I didn't realize that I'm still subscribed to GeoGuessr.

And I've been paying every month, and I have not been on the website in like a year. That's real. That's actually messed up that you're not honest. And Rocket Money would literally have told me that if I was using it. And Rocket Money would have told you to stop climbing rocks. Because it's unsafe, unethical.

The rocks don't like it. The Rocket Money also, if you are subscribed to things like GeoGuessr, they actually get Rainbolt to figure out where you live. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Rainbolt tells you your IP of where you're unsubscribing from.

Stop throwing away your money like Nick by being subscribed to random things. Stop having a bad credit score like me. It's crazy that you have that. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Because you're like a grown-up. Manage your expenses the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash the yard. You can just pay off all your debt.

That's rocketmoney.com slash the yard, Aiden. There's no reason for you to be in debt is what he's saying. You have so much more money than we do. You don't think. And you can cancel your subscription to Jelker's Anonymous. No, no, no, no.

Don't cancel that one. Leave that one. We need your support. But everything else, no, no. Don't cancel that one. Leave that one. We need your support. Everything else, rocketmoney.com slash yard. Catch your own water subscriptions.

Also, don't subscribe. Don't cancel your yard page around subscription. That one, you should leave. You should leave that one. Leave that one. I really like that one.

But track it. But you can track it. You can make sure it's in the spreadsheet. All right. Rocketmoney.com slash yard. Thank you, Rocket Money.

Goodbye. Bye. But I, anyway, I want to run a marathon now. What? You want to run a marathon? No. I want to run a marathon. Oh, you're going to make a, I ran a marathon.

No, I just do it. Because my viewers bought me Amazon boxes. You can go on fucking Cody Trains on his YouTube channel. No, you know what? Because I looked into that too. Cody Coe's doing a lot of training to do an Ironman. And Casey Neistat has also done a couple of them to do an iron man and casey neistat has also done a couple of them yeah and then he he likes talking about on his podcast and he's like

yeah it's actually like one of the most self-indulgent things you can do because to train for an iron man he's saying like oh you sacrifice so much to get like ripped and in shape but you also like have the time and resources to like run for three hours in a day or practice swimming. And you don't have to worry about like money or resources or where food is coming from. You can just pay for it all to focus only on training your body to a point that most people can't because you have to also live life. I remember thinking about that too.

I was asking when the, our trainer, the one you, you have now. Christian. And you have a budding relationship with. Christian, we love each other. We love each other. But he loved me first. No. He did. He asked about him still. He doesn't ask about you anymore.

Don't say that. That's such a funny thing. Don't say that. You call him Shrek in the same way. He said it. I never want to see that Shrek looking motherfucker again. People stop asking about you and you look like an ogre. I've shown him pics, and he has made references.

He should, hey, this is slime now. He's like, donkey! No, I'm just kidding. He looks great. He's a swamp guy. Every time, yes, he's like, how's the swamp doing for that guy? I'm like, no, come on, man. No, listen, I asked, guys, I remember asking Christian this.

I was like, how much do you think The Rock works out? And he's like, oh, bro, like probably every day, like for a couple hours. I'm like, is that good? Does that make sense? He's like, I don't know, probably for him and his like big body. But he was basically saying like because he's The Rock, that is just part of his life, is working out for fucking like 20 hours a week. And it's like that's crazy. And yes, self-indulgent is a good way to put it

but also kind of like uh prohibitively so right i think a lot about like how we are so privileged to be able to like have a fucking trainer like i can get sleep till 8 p.m and like go running if i want and shit and it's like if you're a normal ass dude or person that just wants to like get fit back when i worked at bts i was like okay i'll get a gym membership and then i would get off work and i'd be like i'm tired i worked all day i want to go to bed and never wake up ever again i want to be around you but like you deal with all your shit and then you have to pay to go to the gym and you have to motivate yourself and it's like what the fuck how are you supposed to get ahead i would have a decent example of person like the rock example uh fainter the guy that we would hire for boom operation on

shoots a lot so he's very ripped and one time i was just asking him about like what's your like your workout regimen he's like well i work out about three to four hours every day i was like what sense that's ridiculous like how like isn't that boring's like, oh no, dude, my garage, I have four TVs. So he has his home gym that has everything he needs, and every wall has the same TV feed, so any way he faces, he can just continue watching whatever he's watching. That's insane. And then he just works out for four hours.

You know what pissed me off about Fainter, by the way? Great swell guy. Love him. He's really nice. Fainter's really nice. We've worked with Fainter a long time. Bl Great, swell guy. Love him. He's really nice. Fainter's really nice. We've all, we've worked with Fainter a long time. Blast him. Blast him, sweaty.

Piece of shit. Let him fucking hear this. Ever since I met him, knew him for like three years. Bald. Bald guy. Dude, bald. Always bald. Always bald.

Bald to the bone. Like gross. Okay. You like me? Bald to the bone. Nothing gross about it. He just shaved his head. And then one day.

And then one day, we didn't see him for a while, motherfucker shows up with a real hairline. Real hair. Like a whole head of hair. Like actual hair. He just shaves it all the time. Dude, it pissed me off so bad. Why did it piss you off? Because, dude, it's like.

Your bro's LARPing. He's LARPing. And not LARPing like. Sorry. We're being too mean to each other. I was just like, looks like Aiden. But bro has like a fucking, like a hair line of the gods. Fiener looks like me?

No, I was saying like some people shave a lot because they like, they give up. He's LARPing as a reusable bag. But like he had, he had beautiful hair. I'm like, do you think he went to Turkey? It's fine. No, no Turkey involved. You don you think he went to Turkey? It's fine. No. No Turkey involved. You don't think he went to Turkey? No, no, no. He spent 3K? No. He was all natty eyes.

Because we talked. We were like, Fainter, what the fuck? Yeah, we were like, dude, what the fuck? Pretty cheap. I wasn't trying to say that in a positive way. It just generally is pretty cheap. I say that Kirby has fucking bunions one time. On this note, where is your toupee? Yeah, I've been slacking on that.

Where is that shit, bro? I found a place that does a really fucking good job. I want it so bad. Ludwig was like, why do that? Why not just do one? And I'm like, no, I want to do it this way. And then I was like, you know what? It takes a long time, so I might just get a shit toupee and have to wear it.

You can get a nice toupee. Just get wear it. You get a nice toupee, just get it. I'll have it by hand. Just make a decision. Just get it over with. I think we should be able to distinguish between what is a toupee

and what is a wig, and we should be able to say no to wigs. I'm not going to be fucking joked. I want it to be taped to your skull like a fucking,

like a skull tape guy. Submit to me your terms, gentlemen. I'm going to find, I have this TikToker I follow. Submit to me your terms, gentlemen. I'm going to find... I have this TikToker I follow. It needs to be able to fool a grandmother that it's real. And she livestream puts toupees on people. Can you ask her how big her organs are?

No. No. How big are your organs, fucker? My heart is 46 centimeters up and down. No, you're making that up. That is so huge. That would be gigantic. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I literally don't know how to count. I have a two-foot heart. Bro said centimeters, so he thought would be gigantic. I forgot. I'm like, this is literally going on a couch. Two foot hard. Bro said centimeters so he thought it was small. I did. I forgot how big centimeters were.

Anyway, ask her how big her organs are. I'm not going to ask a woman how big her organs are. I think, I think that part of the perk

of becoming as famous as Ludwig is that you get to ask strangers how big their organs are. You get to? You get to and then they're okay with are. You get to. You get to. And then they're okay with it. And that's the key part.

You guys would be such problematic. I went to a. You are problematic people. I went to an art show yesterday. Like an outdoor thing. First of all, sorry. You said gay people who don't go to heaven. You did say that.

You did say that. Literally for me. You said that. That's a quote. You did say that. You did say that. We were. It's a literal quote. We were in that. That's a quote. I didn't say that. You did say that. You did say that. We were in character. We were in character.

It's a literal quote. Oh, you think we play characters in the show? The character of who? That was the character. It was you talking to five-year-olds. That's the character. Character of a guy who believes that. Yeah, they won't go to heaven because none of us will.

You're what Republicans think teachers are. No, I'm the opposite. I guess you're what they wish teachers were. I'm going to soak that one in. What were you saying? I got an art show yesterday. It was like an outdoor thing, like a little independent artist selling stuff. And they were doing a booth that had stem cell facials.

Is that a thing? Oh, yeah, yeah. Do they have a bunch of kids around there? That's where you get the stem cells from. I didn't see the kids. Was there an adrenochrome Like slot machine Big needles I don't know a lot

But I swear to god It was just a booth That said stem cell facials I thought that was A difficult thing to get With stem cells I still have the South Park representation

Of this Where like you break The kid by the neck And you Is that what that's like You can get stem cells You can get stem cells From adults Oh No Dude You can get stem cells from adults.

Oh, no. Dude. You can't kill them when they're old. It's like they have so much to live for. Suck in all of Aiden's juice out of his neck. Use a treatment that uses your own platelet-rich plasma. I mean, that's like using your own cum. It doesn't make sense, you know?

Yeah, it's like the episode of Nip Tuck. What is that? From last episode. Do you think boys have more healthier stomachs from all of the semen that likely ends up there? Do you?

I don't think we know. You know what's weird is What? This is, this makes a lot of sense. Are you talking about on your skin? I've oddly been asked

a version of this question twice in two days. When you say stomach, I imagine it in the stomach. Oh, I'm not. Which would mean that you're just fucking. No. You're swallowing.

I'm saying, do you think it's like we're going to evolve or we have evolved to have like really good, supple, soft skin? Grow up. Grow up. Don't leave it on your fucking tummy. He's just mad big. Yeah. Because he fucking shoots his load into the toilet. Here's the thing.

This guy does. Yeah. It's efficient. I was... Stem cells. No, tell me about stem cells. Tell him about stem cells. What do you fucking know about stem cells?

Tell him about them. Yeah. I learned that they're from platelet-rich plasma. Plasma injections. God, I hate nebula slime. What the fuck? What did I do? I hate nebula slime. You hate me? No, I hate nebula, fuck? What did I do? You hate me?

No I hate nebula you What did I do? This episode is not sponsored by nebula Don't get it because you'll become like him Wait wait wait he's only been better Except for getting really mad about the Kirby cake I wasn't mad Yeah you just saw those super dog shit

And that whoever made it should probably Kill themselves I think that was the exact phrasing You guys ever wonder why I wasn't mad. Yeah, you just saw those super dog shit and that whoever made it should probably kill themselves. I think that was the exact phrasing. You guys ever wonder why Iraq's border just has a straight line on it? No. Isn't that kind of... No, I... So many borders have straight lines.

Your mama's rack border is my straight line. It has nothing to do with like a river or like a mountain range. Yeah, four million people live south of this line. Who gives a shit, bro? You think it's... You think... I think people do give a shit. I'm saying there's a lot of geographical reasons for lying on cars and i think that's the idea is it's not geographical you sound like you would get fit in in the british

empire i think my god why is it a straight line instead of in line with like a natural like a natural border the sun the sun itself sun itself. On the British Empire. Maybe the sun's fine, bro. Do you guys miss when the sun never set on the British Empire? I know Archie does. I think it still doesn't, right? It definitely sets. No, the sun never sets on the British Empire.

They still got some islands. They got islands. They got Oz. They got Canada. Let's take them back. They don't have Oz in Canada. They do. No, they don't. They're part of the Commonwealth. They're sovereign states. Commonwealths are Oz, they got Canada. Let's take them back. They don't have Oz in Canada. They do. No, they don't.

They're part of the Commonwealth. They're sovereign states. Commonwealths are not part of British Empire. It's not the British Empire. We're counting it. Commonwealth is. I think, what is a Commonwealth for one? Commonwealth is for two.

Oh, I'm bored. That's true. We're being boring. But I think Canada is a puppet state and you should answer for that one day. The Queen is on the money. With blood. Tucker Carlson said and he said we should emancipate Canada. Canada?

Really? Yeah, he said we should go into Canada and emancipate them. From the Commonwealth. The Commonwealth is not. Actually, no, it was actually from Trudeau. He said emancipate them from Trudeau. That makes more sense. Anyway, the Commonwealth counts.

It doesn't. What are you just. This is what they consider part of the British Empire still. That's fucked up. Yeah, go to the fucking website then. It's literally.gov. Not the Empire. BritishEmpire.com.

Literally.gov. You sound so dumb right now. Use our referral link on Amazon if you'd like. You sound so dumb right now. Dude, I asked Twitter, because I'm speaking to the Commonwealth. our referral link on amazon if you'd like you sound so dumb dude i asked i asked twitter because i i'm speaking to the commonwealth i'm gonna i want to go to uh south africa and namibia and i asked twitter is like any smashers or yardigans in in like either of these places by chance long shot i know zero replies okay just nobody we got some far-fledged fans. Maybe ask for some...

Hey, any diamond mine owners that want to house my friend here? Please hit us up. Doesn't need to be a diamond mine. Or it could be emeralds. South Africa for Aiden. No mining. Whatever. We're going to do a whole campaign.

We're going to put you in a box. Ship you over there. We're going to send you over there. Yeah. And we're going to make... And someone's going to win. They're going to win. The prize. It would be fun to take a boat. Like, gonna make- And someone's gonna win. They're gonna win.

The prize. It would be fun to like pick a boat. Like be on like one of the big shipping boats. I wanna kill you with a gun. Yeah. I bet it'd be like a fun trip. I wanna use weapons on you. I bet people love going from Africa to the States back in the day.

Here's the thing. Here's how you know I've changed. I- no! You just took it- not on a fucking slave boat Ludwig! We could go on a boat. The boat ride's probably like peaceful to like- I mean like a fucking- a cargowig! We could go on a boat. The boat ride's probably like peaceful. We like a fucking- a cargo ship! Oh my fucking god Ludwig.

I'm actually hungry. Fuck. Hey um, there's like a bunch of rats. Wait, wait. All the food thing, like this is pretty. It's like actually kind of pretty out here. It's a cargo ship. That's what we go on now. We'll remember this. Like this is kind of enjoyable. That's what you ordered your truck on and Jackie Chan on.

They came over on a cargo ship. It's the same shit. They're everywhere. Whoa, you can't say Jackie Chan came over on a cargo ship. Call me bald. It's a statue. Whoa, he's a person. Wow, wow, wow.

No, no, no. I saw the receipt. $17,000 is what he's worth. He is a crazy son of a bitch, Jackie Chan. I just got into watching his stunt stunts. His films and whatnot. I just got into watching his stunts and whatnot, and he does a lot of dangerous activities.

He used to. When he goes down the building. There was a bunch of movies he shot, but after every movie that he filmed, they would show the fucked up stunt where he hurts himself. Oh, yeah. And it was almost like they were going for that. Because every credit scene would just be him being carted out.

Being the director who wants to kill Jackie Chan. He's like a family guy character and he's just in a wheelbarrow. And you give him the perfect take. You're like, do it again. Do it more dangerously. Yeah, what if he had a life insurance policy on him? And the whole, Jackie Chan's whole career is just one guy trying to get him killed, and he just won't die.

He definitely has to have had a life insurance policy, right? No, but, like, it, like, benefits the director, and he's like, come on, motherfucker. He wants it. All right, Jackie, today you're going to jump off a fucking building. 50 stories. How old is Jackie Chan? 63. No shit.

Do you bink that? If he binks? 72. I'm sure he's in his 60s. That's so wrong. It's so wrong. It's so wrong. Can I redo it?

I actually know it's wrong. Jackie Chan is 69 years old. One number, one guess. 68. Such a prick guess. Oh! Wait, my guess isn't that bad anymore. Wow, and he turns 69.

It doesn't matter what your guess was. I nailed it. I would have been right. I would have been right a month ago. He's the sex age, so. Me and Jackie are them 69 boys. You're not a 69 boy. A 69 boy.

When's Jackie Chan's birthday? 7th. It just said it. It just said it. Oh, is it percent? 7th, okay. 17. Also funny to pull your phone like we could I was gonna

I was gonna consult my I forgot the zipper was there you're alright I don't have to fucking it's been a you feel older

I just need to sleep better you feel older are you sleeping alright no I feel great I'm in great shape I fucking work out I eat less fucking bad calories

you get a fit bit you and Yingling have inspired me to walk I have I've inspired you you are yeah despite all your evil things you say I eat less fucking bad calories. You give Fitbit. You and Yingling have inspired me to walk. I have? I've inspired you? You are, yeah. Despite all of your evil things you say,

calling me donkey and all this shit. You know who inspires me to walk? It's God's green earth. So it's different than you are. That is the difference, but I will be going to heaven. I made you. Huh? I made you. Yeah, you've inspired me.

I've inspired your health journey. You and Yingling with your dumb little treadmills. Did you get a dumb little treadmill? No, I just walk outside with God And his green earth and you feel good about it. I walk with Jesus. Are we still gonna do the yard mile? No, you've been practicing like a little prick. Have you been practicing because you posted your time and I was like fuck he's smoking I didn't run like last week. We're not gonna run with you anymore bro. Why not? Cause Not because I'm practicing I will still run with you I was getting in shape for smash camp

Run a raw and then you've been out here grinding mile times. Hey, we should do a rock climbing competition That's like if that's like if we were like Simon We're gonna do the basketball thing and then we found out he's been shooting a hundred threes every day. Yeah, I'm breaking them I'd be dunked. I'd be dunked. I'd be dunked. You'd be dunking your three? From the three-point line. Like Michael Jordan.

From the NBA three-point line. I got a challenger for you. Oh, really? You found a kid. We found a kid. I'm not even going to ask how. At the kid mall? Where'd you go?

It's QD's cousin. Really? He's coming in town. No shit. And we're going to, he played his mom because QD posed a question to her fam and he diced his mom. Okay. Surely she's like kind of letting the kid like.

No, she's actually way stronger than you. She's in the paint. She's incredible. QD's mom is like, come on. His mom is Brittany Griner. And I think she would beat you. You're thinking that. QD's mom?

Yeah. A hundred percent. and I think she would beat you? You're thinking that? Kimmy's mom? Yeah, 100%. An older woman versus slime. Hmm. Has she played basketball? I think that doesn't have to do less to do with her being an older woman. But we got this kid for you

that you're going to have to play now. You got a Mormon kid for me to fucking absolutely destroy on the court. Don't use that sentence in that What ever I can't be true. I can't say true things. No you want to censor me. Yeah the same way you censored me Archie bleep out his crass terms crass terms. You're gonna play this eight-year-old one-on-one. I actually just bleeped out. It's like, what did he say?

Yeah. People are gonna wonder what you said. It's like fucking terrible. You're gonna play this eight-year-old one-on-one, and I have so many applicants, by the way. We got it now. This is good. Oh, I'm down, but I... Wasn't the thing the youngest? Well, it's a big mess. We could do, like,

a full thing where it's like, we have, like, you know, you go, we have i think we have one of each grade yeah here's the thing this is what sucks is it's not going to be funny when i absolutely destroy this little that will be so funny the funny thing is like you get 18 to 6 and then you have like you versus 18 year old and you're losing and then you see like how many you know what i mean how young you have to go to yeah that's the fuller video because as it goes on you'll be getting more tired oh true that'll be deteriorate deteriorate so okay it's like i so do i have to go up against a like an 18 year old varsity player smokes me yeah and. And then, and then I start you with the best. I mean,

go to the worst. Right. So you're the most tired when you're at the worst players. Then you go eighth grader, seventh grader, sixth grader, fifth grader. And then you go probably against all of them.

You're like, I don't think you go until you win. Cause like you maybe beat the eighth grader, but lose to the seventh grader. And that'd be interesting. Oh, it won't be interesting the way I fucking run my dojo, bro.

Can you bounce a ball like between your legs legs and get it on the other side? Uh, no. That's not like a metric of if you win or not. It's hard. I've tried it. I bought a basketball and I went out and I shot 10 threes. I was nasty. What did you hit?

Out of 10? I did it twice. You hit two out of 10. What was the first time? What was the second time? What was nasty about it? First time I hit it twice. Okay.

Two shot. Second time I hit four shot. What was nasty is I was the first time what was the second time what was nasty about it first time I hit it twice okay two shot second time I hit four shot what was nasty is I hit the first shot guy walks over and he says we're playing five on five you wanna join that's

I hate that for you Rigo and I said I said not today I actually have a league match tomorrow not today me and Sula

are fucking busy where were you playing were you playing at the court in the neighborhood yeah dude I wanna fucking I could shoot better threes than you I hit two and then I hit four and then I went for free throws I hit six at the court in the neighborhood? Yeah. Dude, I want to fucking... I could shoot better threes

than you. I hit two, and then I hit four, and then I went for free throws. I hit six. After, I want to shoot threes. After this? Do you have a ball right now?

I don't have a ball. I could bring a ball next time. We need a hoop, too. We could find a hoop. There's probably a hoop nearby, but I could definitely bring a ball next time, and I could dice you.

There probably is a basketball. Because me shooting more threes than Ludwig in 10 would hurt him. You don't have my form What's your form? Good I think we're counting me out right now

By the way I played five years of basketball The difference is that if you beat him It doesn't hurt him Bro you look at the ball and you're like It's a V2 Like fuck off He's bouncing with both hands

Me? Or him? Him I'm not gonna bounce with both hands You're bouncing with both hands Alright You're not supposed to bounce with both hands. You're bouncing with both hands. All right. You bounce like Stanley in the office. You're not supposed to bounce with both hands.

Do one of these. It's going to be a kid, bro. I'm going to destroy him. Well, you're going to have to go. Should we do the full thing, or do you want to just try it against? We've got to do a full thing. I think it's good. All right.

Well, then we need to get going on it. All right. Let's get some kids. Finally. How do we actually? We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll just coordinate a date, a time, a place, and then tell everybody to show up at that time. Finally. How do we actually... We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll just coordinate a date, a time, a place,

and then tell everybody to show up at that time. Dude, I bet we... This is how a video shoot does work. Oh, there's like laws. No, it's easy. Just bring the parents. Yeah, it's a waiver. Have them sign a release form.

And then tell them that their kids are going to be movie stars. Don't do that. It's going to make your kid a star. You guys are being weird. We're going to put him in a long movie. Hey, your kid... He said we wouldn't do the kid stuff this week. It's gonna be your kid a star. We're gonna put him in a long movie. Hey your kid He said we wouldn't do the kid stuff this week. There's no kid stuff We're talking about putting him in a long movie and he's gonna be a star Do you not want fucking kids in movies? What the fuck's wrong with you? Yeah, actually you're a hundred percent

I don't think you should have child actors. Why an anti-child actor? No, you're an anti-Daniel Radcliffe. Are you fucking kidding me? He was electric! He was fucking dog shit! His gruding and brooding years? I also think he was kind of in on it with J.K. Rowling. Personally, I think they were. Book four and on, he was terrible. They kind of constructed the whole thing together.

Wait, what? All he did was brood. No, it's not the opposite. Dude, he didn't have brood. He was worse in the beginning as he was a child. No, he was dog shit as- Daniel Radcliffe is a great actor. He was bad in the beginning as he was a child. He was dog shit as... Daniel Radcliffe is a great actor. He was bad in Chamber of Secrets.

He was bad in Goblet of Fire. No, he wasn't. I watched that one. That's actually dumb. He was actually only good... He just wasn't. He was only good in the first one because he had that charm.

I think he's literally the worst in the first one because he's 11. You just said to me, you piece of shit, that kids shouldn't be in movies because he was electric in the first one. He was electric, but I think kids should still not be in movies. There's a show right now.

Nuance take. There's a show right now where the two stars are Paul Rudd and Will Ferrell. It's new. Isn't that crazy? The Apple TV show? Yeah, isn't it crazy? It's like bad. It sucks, but it just exists.

Oh, really? Yeah. I don't think it's, what's crazy about it? That they're still acting. Okay. They've been acting for so long. Yeah, just like Henry. I don't think it's, what's crazy about it? That they're still acting. Okay. They've been acting for so long. Look, just like Henry Kissinger is still alive.

Same thing. It's because people die in our minds when they leave public conscious, but they're still alive and they have to deal with that. And we will have to deal with that. All right, learning moment for everyone.

When we sunset, buddy. You'll sunset first. You're sunsetting. If I have sunset, you guys are so gone. Ludwig, Ludwig, I've never, I've never rose. I've never sunsetting. If I'm sunset, you guys are sold on. Ludwig, I've never rose. I've never sun rose. But the thing is, every sun has its set.

But I'm not a sun. But you're not defined by who you are in public conscious. You're defined by who you think you are and who those around you think you are. I'm lost. I'm lost. I help. Okay. Ludwig is sunsetting. Got that one. He's dealing with that by interpreting Paul Rudd as a successful man.

What? Of course he is. What is he talking about? Paul Crud. Paul Rudd? Do you think Paul Rudd's... What are you saying about Paul Rudd? Is he sunsetting?

Paul Crud. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know why it's funny the second time. It's funny when he says it. Are you fucking serious? It's funny when he says it. I don't know what it fucking serious it's funny what he says I don't know what it is but this motherfucker when he says some shit

he's got it he's got it come on give me that give me that maybe not sunset give me a little of that maybe not sunset you probably are

I got a couple years and sunset and shit yeah no it's good what are you talking about some shit I don't know man I'm so fucking mixed up these days Yeah, no, it's good. What are you talking about? Some shit. I don't know, man. I'm so fucking mixed up these days.

You go to sleep at noon. I go to sleep at noon. The world is so fucking twisted. I watch geopolitical conflict videos all fucking day. You know what you could do? Yo mama. Boom. Set up your training for the morning. Why would you why would you suggest things to me? Are you joker? Was that?

Fucking do this to me. He comes through. I'm some this is a good idea liberal idea You're you don't have routine you need structure routine and schedule You said it when you said yeah,, I watched Band of Brothers until noon. I don't want to do that. That is when you said to us that you do not have routine, schedule, or structure. Something about living like a fucking human rat, I can't get enough of. It's easy to live like a rat. It's hard to live like a human.

Like a man. Like a man. Like a man. Like a man. like a human. Like a man. Like a man. Like a man. Like a man. Like a human. Like a human. You need discipline to live like a human. Like a rat, you don't need anything.

A rat can live off anything. That's not true. I'm a rat that works out. Not batteries. Rats work out. I am Master Splinter. Rats can't live off of rat poison. You are not Master Splinter.

You're Master Splinter in his sun setting picture where all the turtles are bigger than him and they're holding his back. By the way, he is always depicted as an old guy. So you're not hurting me. Master Splinter is an old, ripped, fucking, fuck machine rat. A fuck rat. A fucking rat fucking machine. Wait, wait, wait. Did you call him Mr. Splinter rat. A fuck rat. A fucking rat. A rat fucking machine. No.

Wait, wait, wait. Did you call him Mr. Splinter? Yeah, Mr. Splinter. You think Mr. Splinter loves Mish? Mr. Splinter is a fuck machine. He only did Mish. Knows all kinds of martial arts, and he raised right back to turtles. He's a joker.

You're just thinking of Master Roshi. You guys are my turtles. Did Master Roshi come first? Who's that? Who's Master Roshi? He's a joker. You guys are my turtles. Did Master Roshi come first? Who's that? Who's Master Roshi? Dragon Ball Z? Did he come first?

I think so. No. Ninja Turtles was like in the 80s or some shit. Dragon Ball was in the early 90s. Turtles and a half show. I'm a fucking rat. It's great But it's also affecting my mind It's mind poison

Would you be a better Would you have a better life as a rat? I think you might No they live for like six months Do you think you'd be happier If you woke up every day at like 10 And went to bed at 2? I don't know

Really? Cause I feel like that was an easy one Like I kinda tried to give you a lay up there I don't think I would Why would that make me happy? It would definitely be better Cause you would feel better every day Like like, with your health and body. I sleep a lot.

Having a consistent sleep schedule is what is important. Sleeping a lot isn't good. You could oversleep. We need sleep. I know. I didn't say that. I said two to ten. Are you getting more than ten a day?

No. I'm not a fucking... I'm not a pedophile. I'm not George Costanza. I just think you would have a better, get some schedule in you. I just want you to be good. I don't think I have the discipline. You just called him an ogre like 20 minutes ago.

It's true. I know, that's because I tough love. Motivating him to sleep forever. Motivating him to go to bed. By hurting him really bad. Go to bed at a reasonable time because you look fucking ugly right now, man. It's working. Shrek's best friend married a dragon. Yeah, he has so much.

What do you think that means for you in this analogy? I wish that was me. I'm just saying it's like, you know, like... Who's Donkey if you're Shrek? Donkey! It's Amy. Dude, that's a terrible question. I'm Donkey and I'm also a Scaly, apparently.

Donkey! Yeah, you're a Scaly. Donkey. Donkey. Who am I in Shrek Universe? Who are you? Yeah. You're Lord Farquaad.

Obviously Lord Farquaad. It's just so easy. You're Lord Farquaad obviously Lord Farquaad it's just so easy you're so fucking you're Lord Farquaad but you say yeah what's up guys today we're in the fucking kingdom and we're Prince Charming easy or gingerbread man I'll take gingerbread man he's gingerbread man he's got a little attitude I thought it'd be

Pinocchio no I'm not Pinocchio. He's a rascally little guy. Are you fucking lying? Are you fucking lying right now? No, I'm not Pinocchio. No? You shit the bed in Premiere. I don't think I did.

Wow. That's hurtful. You guys check out my Premiere team? Wait, you got one? Dude. Let me send Zipper a picture. Are you playing today? Yeah.

Look at this team, dude. It's just a normal team. If you guys don't know, Premiere is like Valorant's Clash. Keep explaining to them things. It's like 5v5, and you play like two games a week for three weeks or four weeks,

and if you make it, you actually get to where Moist Moguls are. You can get through to Challengers through Premiere now. If you win enough games in Premiere, you get to go to Tarek's house you if you win enough games in there you get to Go to Tarek's house and hang out with him all day He speaks like broken

For an image of our team just a very normal team a lot of very Talented players I would say friends of mine run of the mill zipper if you bring up the team super chill Goes these four excuse me on the players the goat logo. All right hashtag yard. We got dark coots. So let's Ian We got Kyle web wipe our friend plays puff me boss baby yingling. Yeah, and one of our other friends There's like a random like at for fifth and Z. Yeah of our other friends. So just like a random like fourth, fifth friend. Sen Z.

Yeah. He's a friend of ours. Guy. He's a friend of ours. Is this cheating? What? What's cheating? Because Yan and Yingo

are in two teams. That's not why it's cheating. That's not why it's cheating. Oh. That's not why it's cheating. Oh, is it because you guys have Zekken? Yeah.

Yeah, it's because we have the number one player on the leaderboard. That's really funny. That's so grimy. It is grimy and it's also you know it's really funny and he messaged yingling he was like can i be on your premier team so we have a premier team that we had been practicing with for a while which is which is me dawson yingling yan and our friend

andrew and uh we had been practicing in the build-up to this and we played our first premier matches already and once you play premier it sets you into like a division based on your team's like collective skill so we just played this past weekend and then uh after we played zekken messages yingling and coincidentally before this message we were talking about needing a sub because not a lot of us could make like the next couple dates to play second unprompted reaches out to yingling to ask to play on our premier team which is really funny because we need one of the best players in the world last season he was number one on the entire game the best the best American pro player contacts us to play on our team that's so grimy I get mad when I feel like I'm playing against like an ascendant smurf

so it's not even his smurf that is his real account that is radiant is he allowed to do this yes is it his radiant account yes dude c9 C9 plays Premier. They play in Premier, and they lost a match to a squad of randoms. Well, I think it's fine. I thought it was a smurf. No, so this is how it works. This is how it works. It's fine. I have no issues.

We try to invite him to our team after we've already played, but it gives you a little pop-up and says, this person is outside of your skill range, and he can't join with us. And you're like, no, he isn't. No no he isn't no he's not even that good he's not but he uh the way it works is once you have played it puts you in a skill division and you can't invite people that are outside of the range after you have already played right right what's your division but uh i don't know what the number is low clock it's 20 20 is the highest i know uh but we're all like a diamond to a mortal

like everybody in our team nick has was not on a team yet and kyle wasn't on a team and they'd been talking about making like a b team for a while but and they haven't played a match so they can still make the team with second and they're going to play tonight. And it's like four schmucks and the best American Valorant players will end up in division at least 18, 19 or 20. Well, not necessarily because, uh,

we will average our Elo out to second. Yeah. So we're going to play against like a mortal three and maybe a radiant player. I'm division 14 and I'm a team of plats. So I'm just saying our opponents are going to be hard and we don't know if second can carry. Oh, yeah Yeah, I'm saying we'll have a way harder opponents. Yeah, that's Like a streamer worse on stream though

You know man we didn't shit the back no you didn't I was just trying to be mean we went one-on-one you went one-on-one You played great game too. Honestly, I just was dumb found out how well Dawson played. Dawson's amazing. Dawson smashed it. Dawson's just a very good player. He got 31 kills and 13 first bloods. Oh yeah. That's just insane. It is crazy. I mean, Dawson's like me on the

fucking. When we played that game, when we played that game, it's like every round is like Dawson makes a call. He takes one other player who's like every round is like dawson makes a call he takes one other player who's like his minion for that round to set up some play that gets him like one to three kills and so like yan yan follows him around like a pokemon in heart gold and like it's like yan is like yan come with me you're gonna flash here uh adan you're gonna do this you're gonna do this and that's every single round but but it's something different. And then

Dawson, one, two kills on the top of the corner of the leaderboard. Taunt him everything you know. Damn right, baby. We went 2-0. Phenomenal game. Who's on your team? It's me, Abe, Miong, Foolish,

and Stans. You've been playing with Foolish a lot. You've been playing with foolish a lot. You've been playing with stands and minecrafters. There's one minecrafter in that. They're always plural. You guys should have had a team together. Me and Slime? Yeah.

You could still add Slime to that team. Here's the thing. He'll take stands instead of me because he knows stands play nice. You can join our seven. You can be our seven. What? You can join his team still. Then you can sub in. I'm not going to be your

third string Jay Cutler fuck pig. First of all, I was thinking you were our second string Tim Tebow fuck pig. We're going by Paris quarterbacks. He walks with Jesus, so maybe it is a good fit.

I can make a new con. I can get a new team with you. I don't want your fucking... You don't want to play? It's okay. We can have a team. You don't have to... Just hit me up every now and then. We should have a team as us.

Because then it's like we're competing together in a thing. It's not like we're queuing or... You know what I mean? We need more phone numbers if we're going to do this. Yeah, we're going to run out. It's so annoying. We need more burners. We need to get burner phones to verify Smurf accounts.

That part's easy. It's not a bad idea. We just won't do it by tonight. By tonight. Well, he's playing the second time. I have to play tonight. Yeah, we couldn't even do it then. Because I don't think you can make an account after this week.

A team. Oh, I don't know. Like, I don't, like, this is like you had the brand first week. I don't know what the cutoff is. Just wait for me to get a little better. It is really fun. It is, like, probably the most fun that I've had playing the game. It's sweaty It's like you practice you practice and like play with this like purpose and then you and your friends like win or loses a group It's I don't know. It's just a lot different than playing normally

It's the the thrill of competition I like feeling the little like some fraction of the thrill of competing in melee poured it over to a different game feels nice Piss my balls you piss me Well before we go to the premium episode There might have been a plug mid episode 2, but we have wait we wish you definitely Record no, I want to say it again though Yeah, we should really record this. No, I wanna say it again though. Again?

Remind them again. Okay, sure. We got this. You can check out the yard.sales. The merch is left, man. Oh, I'm sorry! We only have- It's your company! Your company funds the build! We need to sell it! I'm just saying, the plug doesn't make sense at the end.

It doesn't make sense. The least amount of people are watching now. It's a reminder. It's a reminder. We have a different plug. We're going to record a different plug that plays earlier in the episode. They watched the first one, they didn't do it, and now they're getting their reminder. You think I'm not- You think I don't think that we have another plug that we're going to record a different plug that plays earlier in the episode. They watched the first one, they didn't do it, and now they're getting their reminder. You think I'm not- you think I don't think they're getting a way angrier plug, which is good. This is level five?

I'm angry. I'm angry now. He's angry because you didn't buy it yet. Why did you not buy it? I'm not angry! That's actually a good point! They're great! That's a good point. Aiden, why are you mad at them? Cool him down and buy our merch. I'm not angry! I'm angry at you! I'm angry at you! He's gonna stay like this if you don't buy it. He's so mad at you. If you don't buy the merch, he'll be like this. He's gonna stay like this if you don't buy it. He's so mad at you.

If you don't buy the merch, he'll be like this forever. Oh, he's kicking me. He's kicking me. Oh! Oh! Oh my god. By buying the exclusive fishy merch- He would lose his art so fast. Uh, it's kinda- it's kind of a vibe. It's got- here, listen in the ASMR. It's got the little- it's got the little buckle.

I'm upset! You can't storm out wearing a dress shirt like that. It just doesn't work. In a lot of pockets, so... I'm gonna storm out and take my shirt off quicker than most people. Alright, everyone. See you in the Patreon episode where we'll talk about fish. I like fishing!