The Yard - The Yard 100th Episode Special! (ft. Diya)

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

We have reached 100 episodes of the yard! This week, we are joined by Diya! The boys talk about his stand-up comedy, how the boys met him, and about the upcoming premiere of Diya's special.

Go ahead, tell us your boring ass story. Tell us your boring ass story. I was hoping you forgot that I even said that. I'm ready to support you. Okay, so a little challenge I've had for myself. That's funny. That was funny.

That also would be interesting. Before the podcast, Nick started saying something and he's like, actually, I'll say it for the podcast. And then I was like, I chirped at him and then he said,

it's boring, it's boring. I was like, so you're going to say something boring for the podcast. And he got completely owned in the span of four seconds. And it's been just really making my morning really good. So Dia, what's like being a comedian? Like, it's like something it's cool or. Yeah, I'm learning a lot.

The snore having. What I was going to say. Yeah, why don't you add You could add that in Yeah, yeah, yeah For the past For the past six episodes I've had a mini challenge In my head

Where I've realized While doing this Fucking stupid Stupid fucking stupid show Stupid That I I put my feet up here All the time

And I do it mindlessly And I can't control it And I keep doing And every time I go like Oh, I don't want to I don't want to put my feet down I don't want to have them up there I just put them back

And for six episodes I've tried to go a full episode Without doing it And I've failed every time I go like oh, I don't know if my feet down. I have them up there I just put them back and for six episodes. I've tried to go a full episode without doing it. I failed every time Oh, wow, that's a good challenge. I'm saying it every single time I'm really funny Yeah, if I wasn't being genuine, I'm really funny right now. Oh, wow. Good contacting. I'm base. Got on base.

Look, man, it's hard. It's hard being me, man. No, I think that is a good challenge. And the reason why is because I do it, too. And I look at the fucking VOD and I'm like, we got our feet up a lot. I've been doing a challenge for 101 episodes. Yeah. Pretending I like this fucker. Doing what?

Sitting next to this guy pretending I like him. Dude, it is hard. This fucker sucks. I sat there once for a sound check and I was like, I don't think I can do this. I know. I was just imagining Aiden next to me. That's not a challenge. You're sitting next to me.

I'm 101 episodes deep into the challenge, so I feel good about it. Yeah. Hey, hey, we have a guest, everyone. Yes. Can we intro our guest? Yes. Hey, what's up? It's straight Aiden.

Yay. He's back in the closet. I'm coming. We hurt his feelings. I don't get this one, but I laugh anyway. It's our new guest. Because we support our friends. I don't know.

I want the kids to be safe. This is our friend Dia. Dia, we've known for a long time. We went through Melee. Dia's funny because you have all the Infinity Stones of everyone here. You have everything someone wants here. You're better than Nick at chess. No, no, no.

He's better than me at a lot of things. You're better than Nick at chess? He's better than me at Melee. What's your chess rating? I have a Lee chess rating. Is that a... No, no, no. No, I can explain why his Lee chess rating matters.

I've already thought my ego into a hole. So they say on Lee Chess, your rating doesn't matter until you're past 2,000. And he's past 2,000. Oh. So he's good at chess. I've always heard Lee Chess is 300 to 200, 300 points higher than chess.com. But that dwindles as you pass 1,000. But even if he was over 2,000, he'd still be like 1,800 chess.com.

No, once you're over 2000, it cuts out completely. They had 300 points. You're 2000 flag. You're 2000. You're 1999, you're 699, then you hit 2000.

It brings up the thing they do on like Nintendo cartridges when you've pirated the game. It's like you have stolen this copy of chess. Yeah, until Link's sword doesn't hit anymore. Until your knight doesn't work. The bishop goes up and sideways. Yeah,

it's all fucked up. So you're a better gamer than Nick What do you have from And a better rock climber No okay So he's He's better at At

Nick than chess He's better than Aiden At making events He's better than you Ludwig at stand up And he has hair So he beats all of us Wait okay

No I feel like you could've done this for real Like with things he actually has That we all want But you chose not to On yourself, I didn't cop out you caught that on your only thing you can beat me at chess melee

No, I thought about this on the way here. What does what do you beat a dinette? What are you better than him also? Also melee. I'm not sure about that. I didn't be close What do you beat Aiden at? What are you better than him? Also, also Melee. I'm not sure about that. I didn't beat Close. No, I don't know. I don't know Aiden. I just know that he's not straight. You beat him there for sure.

You beat him there for sure. This month you lose, but every other month you beat him. This month you win. You can hang out with Nick Marks with no problems. We met Dia. You played Melee. You were always way better than everyone. You were in the same region as the people we started playing with.

And then you went to college in San Diego. And then you remained good. And there was a time where Wrangler was playing Donkey Kong and he was defeating every Marth across SoCal. And you were the only one that would actively dodge him at tournaments,

you would just like, you would drop out of bracket. What? Did you ever drop out of bracket? I never dropped out of bracket, but he was asked to money match and then sort of the, I would say that I'd only money match you where if you win, you cannot tell a single soul in the world. But there'd be no money. He'd give me money if I won.

But if he won, it But there'd be no money. He'd give me money if I won. But if he won, it would have to be capped. He got neither any money nor recognition at all. It was just a privilege of playing. But that's how bad Ringler wanted the game. All Ringler wanted to say was that he beat every Marth in SoCal. And he was the last Power Stone.

Dude, can I tell you something embarrassing? There's this guy, I forget his name, but he was like this SoCal Fox sweat. And he had amazing tech skill and he was like you know classic you'd get like 9 13th at a regional or something what year is this this is 2018 maybe uh he's very good you would probably know him if you saw his face can't remember his name though uh and he'd love to be no it was not great he'd love doing money matches he'd throw out five dollars be like five dollar money match at the moment he gets knocked out of bracket and i'm walking by and he like kind of traps me like a car salesman he's like five dollar money match and i like i like i know this guy's fox like i i

hate playing against him as puff because he's like camp out laser camp perfectly but i was like all right fine and we play and then uh and then he takes game one i'm like i like already regret doing it not even because the $5 just hurts to lose. Game two, I win. Instantly, I'm like, I'm out. He's like, what? I give him $5, I walk away, I'm like, I'm out. That's crazy.

So smart. And I was like, we are 1-1. You can have the $5, but I'm not going to play game three. You brought it even and then you said, Sharks, I'm out. Yeah. Yeah, because I already knew. He was out Ready to counter pick to some fucking you know He'll never know he'll never know never know the crazy part he's watching this right now trying to explain if you like this is me I'm like, you keep telling me.

You weren't good in 2018. What are you talking about? Yeah, so that's how we know Dia. And then Dia was on Bad Melee, an episode, two episodes. Dude, this is a crazy question. One realization I had, I think I maybe said this before, is one day I posted an insane Melee combo that I hit on Twitter, and the tweet flopped compared to me saying, like,

poopy diaper LMAO slime, and that one pops off. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I don't have any Melee followers really anymore. Like most people who follow me are like Ludwig adjacents or like people who watch The Yard. And I was like, that was a dark day when I realized that my followers don't come from like this community that I came from. Do you think that if

you posted Wait, what was the tweet you just said? What was the thing you just talked about? Ted Kaczynski? Rest easy? How did I just miss about? Ted Kaczynski? Rest easy? How did I just miss that? You can't just say that. What? You can't just say that casually.

What? I said it in private. Why wouldn't I say it in private? We're titling this episode that. You don't have to double praise. I blanked on what we were just talking about. But it's important to us. If slime were to put up a combo video or something? Geo Rossi playing against fucking Lug? Don't put your feet on the thing. Don't put your feet on the thing. No, I guess it doesn't matter. Don't put your feet With the... No. The male followers. Geo Rossi playing against...

Don't put your feet on the thing. Don't put your feet on the thing. No, I guess it doesn't matter. I guess I... Don't put your feet on the thing. I guess I forgot. I guess it's gone. He really is a pro.

It's looking... It's too early in the morning. The edges are looking nice and soft. Wait, you don't remember either what we were talking about. Yeah, that's not my job. Dude, I think about the same thing you thought about.

Like, when you reach a certain level of success, the people who care about you are not who you wanted. Because for me, it's just like, you just want to impress people from your high school. That's all it all comes down to deep in your heart.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your crush from high school, like seeing you. Is that where you're at? Has it happened? You're, that's the Zuckerberg. Yeah.

Yeah. He made Facebook just for the, well, at least in the movie, the social network. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. And I watched that movie. No, but you. Thank you. And I watched that movie No, but you also there's what always pissed me off about Dia is that you are you like getting your PhD? Yeah

That's so fucking annoying. Yeah, is that what crazy in neuroscience? Yeah No one knows what that is neuroscience No one knows what that is. I thought you said neuroscience. That'd be cringe. It's just like the material to make all the French gay. It's just like a house beat classes. It's also funny because I've known Dia for a long time, and I've talked to Dia a lot,

and Dia has never once mentioned neuroscience in passing or in conversation or flexed science about the brain. It's not that easy to bring up. But like, if you know someone who's really into something, they will find a way to work it into their life because no one cares and they want someone to care. That's what the Ringler money matches are for. He's just there like, my way. Let me tell you about a cool field.

He never got me. Are you ashamed that I never was able to beat Ringler when I'm mad at him? Yes. Do you think beating Rengler would have gotten your high school crush to like you? I think I really would have changed my whole path trajectory. Yeah, you'd be a broke pro smasher right now in a shit jersey. If I won the match, I would continue. I could do anything.

I beat Rengler when... I beat the monkey. It's finally. Ringler's OnlyFans might have started like five years earlier. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He would have made the website so that he could use it. Him and Brian still love founders.

He loses to the first Marth and he's like, I need to show my penis to people. But I can't do it public. Ringler being the Jasmine Rice girl of OnlyFans Is very funny to me The founder Just the founder Slime has this thing where he like uses No no no she has a very

I know this I know this but earlier you said like Oh well Breslin it in response To like making a long term joke Yeah And you could have just you, like there's way better examples and Breslin is like- No, there's not. There's two syllables

and you got the point. Right. Yeah, he's actually owned it. Long-term joke is three syllables. He kind of owned your ass. What is it in your brain that makes you good at stuff? You just, do you hate being bad at stuff?

I don't think I'm that good at many things. I've just been doing a lot of things for a while. Do you think, okay, first of all, why did you just make us all take a humble suppository with that sentence? Because if you're better

than everyone here in melee and chess and rock climbing and stand up, and well, that one I don't care about. Are you better at rock climbing too?

Yeah, you're better than me at rock climbing. I like climbing, yeah. See, this is the idea. Then you can't shove a humble suppository up our bums because you're better than me rock climbing. I like climbing yeah Shove those humble suppository up our bums cuz you're better than all of us and we try Right try a lot. He tries real hard. You try hard. Why are you better than him and melee? He chose real hard Wait a minute. I'm Understanding I'm understanding really bad about the other day. I'm really bad about I'mant. No, dude, the other day... I'm really bad at Valorant. I'm Diamond 2. I did it the other day, but this was like two years ago.

I follow him on Twitch, but every time he streams, he has literally zero viewers. That's what you're better at. Let's go. And this time, it went live, and it was like Dia's playing Valorant.

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't take this one away from me. And I click into it, and it's Dia's brother playing Valorant on his Twitch account. And I'm like, this isn't Dia. brother playing Valorant on his Twitch account and I'm like this isn't Dia. I'm like trying to figure out what's happening.

He looks so different when he plays this one. God imagine Dia fires it up and there's just a little radiant icon and it's just like it's just like cometer 420 and it's like NO! Yeah I wouldn't be able to handle it. Do you only pursue things with the intent of getting

somewhat good at it or confident at it? No, I just don't get really into things. I don't really care about getting good, but all the things I had done, I had gotten into when I was going to college. And I feel like when you go to college,

you get obsessed with things. I started climbing and doing stand-up and playing a lot of melee all around the same time. And I've just kind of been doing it pretty much every day ever since. Along with neuroscience.

What do you shit at? What's your worst? What's something you try at and you do it a lot but you're just bad? Chess. Stop. Stop. And probably shooting games.

I played a good amount of Valorant over the pandemic and I was always terrible at it. What'd you peak? I was like, goal three or something. Goal one maybe? The lowest one. Dodge it, dodge it there. Dodge it there.

Was Zahra your first shooter? I played a bit of Halo 3 in high school. That was my first counter-strike-y. But it was your first mouse and keyboard shooter? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I have good fundamentals though. I've got fundamentals though yeah i'm sure i'm sure but like what what we did so dia's been doing stand-up for a long time he's always been

just like generally funny as well and so uh we like started this podcast called the yard you may have heard of it and we got like really it's just excited we made a lot of money from it that we still make and we're like you know what we should do we should shoot like a comedy special for dia because he's been doing well first we said for ourselves we realized none of us are funny we did yes we did yeah and then we were like wait a minute wait i have an abortion joke from 2016 i want to run by you later i still think that's a good joke run now. Oh, I don't know if I'm prepped enough. I gotta kind of... Your Hey Zeus joke is still funny. Bro, you just said, I'll have a great story. I'll tell it later. That's what you just did. Well, I want to run it by him later.

I'm just... Yeah, we have him here on the show. Okay, fine. I don't really remember it. So, like, cut me some slack here. This is about, like, seven years old. Welcome to the quad. The ASU Sun Devil Square. It's Loewy. It's Loving. It's Loving, everyone. Can't be late night.

For some context. I'm for the devil. Loving, walk out. Bear down. Yeah, walk out. Bear down. Okay, for a little bit of context, this is before they overturned Roe v. Wade. Don't know what that is.

Too many abortions these days, huh? Here's a question cause everyone is always asking you know when does a baby become a baby you know and democrats are like right before it's about to come out and republicans are like boo

hey what's your name man what's your name man Breslin that's uh bitch kill yourself anyway that's what I was saying with Republicans it's like right well it's TikTok I don't want to be on it for sure the crux of the joke all right is that don't explain the joke you have to rephrase the question it's not when does a baby become a baby It's when does it count as a threesome?

Ludwig! Wow. I love it. And then I went, what are your thoughts? I went real deep on that part. You spent a while on that? On the threesome part. The idea of a threesome and like a baby is the third.

Did you ever deliver this joke to a group of people? Yeah, it's filmed. Oh, this is in a video. Yeah, it would show up on a stream. People are like, yo, I found this hidden gem and it's got like 50,000 views of Ludwig doing stand-up in college. Six figures these days. This is before Roe v. Wade, Aiden. Don't look at me like that.

This is a different time. No, three ways with babies before Roe v. Wade. Those were chill. Nick was right. No, three ways with babies before a probing. Those were chill. Nick was right. I did like, uh, people are having too many abortions nowadays.

That's really funny. That was the funniest part. That was a good setup. That's like, that's like on our, that's like how right wing comedy is. Yeah. Like, it's just like a political thing with nothing more or less than that. It's just like, uh, abortions are bad. Yeah.

There's that, uh, there's that comedy club that joe rogan opened right and it's like in texas and you're not you have to check your phone at the door yeah which is really funny because it's like don't be afraid just be you it's okay they do that they've done that that's been a thing well it what's his name does that dave chapelle a lot of shows do well i was so when i was a proposal writer at a government engineering company i promise this is interesting i went to uh i went to no it doesn't work on me i went to a con a conference to learn how to write better proposals with my boss it was in fucking seattle first time i've been there and they opened the final day of the conference they hired a stand-up comedian and it was like at 8 a.m. show. I've never heard of this guy in my life.

It was like an hour long show. It was pretty good. I was like, who the fuck? What industry is this? This is crazy. To do well at 8 a.m. I think if you're up at 7, you're not funny. I think that's a rule of my life.

If you're someone who wakes up at 7 every day, you're probably just not very funny. It was so weird. And so it's just a bunch of like fucking, fucking boring people listening to a comedian at 8 a.m. Sunday morning. And he, so someone starts filming during the show, like, 20 minutes into the show. He dead stops. Like, he was, like, a real jovial guy.

Dead stops. Like, excuse me, can you put the phone away, please? And it was, like, it destroyed the vibe. Ooh. It is funny to be, like, someone doing corporate deeds to make a living, but also having, like, it destroyed the vibe. Ooh, it's fucked. It is funny to be like someone doing corporate deeds to make a living, but also having like all this artistic integrity. Like, this is my act.

I don't want it to go out to the public. It was so, it killed the vibe. It was like, appreciate it. You're opening at like a Deloitte conference meeting, but no one will record this. Crowd work would kill at a conference like that. I think it smashes. What department are you in?

And then you just shit on the department. And all the other departments are like, yes! Work is like that. Also, I hate to break the flow, but I remembered what I was going to say earlier. This will be good. I remembered it. I was going to say, do you think that when you say bad melee on our show, a majority of people know what you're talking about? No.

But it's, but it's fun to say things like, and so people who don't know, be like, yeah, yeah. Like at home, he's going to make them nervous at home.

They'll be like, yeah, bad melee. And we'll look it up and be like, Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

The episode. I think it's like a lose lose. Cause the people who don't get it just to lose out on the understanding of what you're saying. And the people who do get it, if they go to your chat and they're like, I like bad melee. You tell them to kill themselves. Yeah. I don't do it just lose out on the understanding of what you're saying and the people who do get it if they go to your chat they're like i like bad melee you tell them to kill themselves yeah i don't do that it's just a lose gatekeeping is is cool we are a nation of gatekeepers and we should continue oh my god rainbolt did the dopest shit yeah it was so sick yeah but that's not gatekeeping that's the opposite of it if you don't know no it's it's

being a hater rainbow the geoguessr, there's someone who was on TikTok who was like, this bagel's so good. And he was eating the bagel and he's like, I'll never tell you where my bagel's at. New York City, yeah. And then Rainbow spends like the next 60 hours of his week just finding where the bagel is, finds it, posts it, finds the owner of the bagel shop, tells him to name that bagel the Rainbolt. And if you go to the shop and you ask for the Rainbolt, you get that guy's bagel that's dodging that's illegal i don't support he did he's like he's like this is where you sat he's like this is the sea you sat in it was very

sick but it's it's both sides of the coin gatekeeping is cool but if a giant hater comes through and doesn't like it then he wins you know that's okay i'm a man of code is what i'm trying to say to you ludwig dudders stop stop don't don't do baby talk with me stop we're in the wrong company you're you're doing your neuroscience phd right now but you're also like you you filmed uh a comedy special where is your i was wondering what your life is going to turn into like which fork are you following yeah i feel like i am like a pretty bad grad student so yeah yeah you don't do you don't do good work yeah i don't do my homework to this day no i i i can't you're allowed to be working on a PhD

but also talk about homework like the rest of us right right like oh ah shit my school sucks I got homework

to do it's like you're about to be my doctor you're not allowed to not like homework it is funny this is my first time

I like took years off when I went back to grad school so this is my first time like having to write like the name and date in the top right

of something and it was pretty painful that first moment where it is just like and like having write like the name and date in the top right of something It was pretty painful that first moment where it is just like it's right the subject online. Yeah, you're back, right? I have a pencil case and shit How old are you 25 damn? You're still wondering if you can get away with like like 2.5 X spacing on the paper, right? I'm making my periods Get away with like like 2.5 X spacing on the paper It's 14 dude you got AI now though you can just win do you use AI? No, I am most of our events like take home, and it's you can really use AI for the stuff It doesn't really help too much

Looks like draw draw a picture of what hands look like and then explain the brand next to it. Tell me what happened after September 2021. It's like, oh, fuck. My one weakness. Yeah, you're working on research when you're in your PhD, right? Like, you're not, like, studying something that already exists and then, like, answering questions about it. You're not like studying something that already exists and then like

answering questions about it you're like making the material yeah most of most like you'd say one or two classes max and you mostly do research and class are mostly like just discussing a new paper what if I told you that there's a guy out there he should be studied who has said the phrase all right man in an eastern european accent 12 000 times since covid started now get get him in get him into the lab do you think that would be an interesting thing to sort of like dissect and there's a tumor there and we need to remove it right now right and it's shaped like all righty man it's like the Joker. I'm tired of pretending. What is neuroscience? It's just the study of the brain.

That's it. Why do they call it... What? See? Wait, you guys didn't know this? Thank God, because I knew someone else here didn't know. No. You know what neurons are?

Explain it. Explain it. Go ahead. Yeah, it's like the study of your brain and neurons and like what the different parts of it and how they work together. Does it include the brain's connection to the spine probably yeah the spinal cord but yeah that is your spine is part of your neuro system right uh-huh which part of the brain is the most delicious it was weird because i did take a class for you like my first time you dissect like a human

yeah brain cadavers get a disease that's was that was that horrifying I mean it is weird I saw like there's like the the body and there's like the body and There's a little car that has the brain still in the body. Well, do you using a full cadaver? No, you're not using a full cadaver, but there's bodies around you so you get the brain itself Yeah But then you're essentially the cadaver used for other things so you kind of know where it came from and there's a car that says Like the name of the person and how they died. Dude that's fucked up. And the fucked up part is like it's 8 It's like 830 and i've got i've got things to do so you're like i need my coffee so yeah so i'd finish early on this and this is the last part of this guy that'll exist in the

human realm it's like his body his last donation and i'm just like i will do this we'll figure out this other section later i Dude, that's crazy. You're not even using his whole body. Some dude putting his organ donor thing, yes, on his driver's license right now is like, my body will be used for science, and it's actually getting fucking left. Yeah, what the fuck, man? That'll be me one day, okay? You're an organ donor? Well, I'm part of California's evil system where they get motorcyclists to give their organs up.

You know, the motorcyclists are the highest organ donors in the state, and they give out those licenses for free. Your organs are the most delicious to us. I got delicious. Me and Zipper's organs are going to come to you, so use them, man. Bring them home or something. Freeze them. Did I ever tell you guys in seventh grade we dissected frogs and I put the frog liver in my pocket? Ew.

That's not it. Did I ever tell you guys in seventh grade we dissected frogs and I put the frog liver in my pocket? Ew. That's not it. Did I ever tell you guys that? You're a scientist. I'm mostly the pipeline scientist. Dude, you're definitely autistic. I'm like, definitely. No, this is like, this is not even the first I put meat in my pocket story. You have a trend of putting meat in your pocket.

What'd you do with the liver, man? Seventh grade we dissected frogs. It was cool, you know. Of putting meat in your pocket. What'd you do with the liver, man? It sounds great. I detected frogs. It was cool. You know? And then, so, but the frog liver, it looked like a big old thick penny. Zipper, look at frog liver. And I just, I just kept it.

I don't know. What'd you do with it? So I brought it to my next class, which is reading fifth period with Miss Patterson, who is a babe. Oh, that's a teacher name. And she got flowers sent to her one day. So, you know, she was fucking. That's cool.

Yeah. I have a frog liver on the desk. And you give it to her. And she's like, what's that? Oh, yeah. That's what it looks like. It just sounds like old times. Oh, yeah.

This still fucks me up. I didn't want to do it in high school. I don't want to do it now. And I said it on the desk. And she's like old times oh yeah this still fucks me up i didn't want to do it in high school i don't want to do it now and i said it on the desk and she's like what what is that and i'm like it's from mr burwell's fucking seventh grade class we just dissected frogs uh and she's like throw that away and wash your hands and then i got yelled at a little she's right yeah formaldehyde is dangerous i don know. Who's to say what is dangerous or not? But what I'm saying is I'm like you. Yeah. I didn't take a piece of the

brain. You didn't take a man's brain with you? That's gotta be a crime. It must be. I think that has to be. There's like a HIPAA for neuroscience people. Did you see bro's meat? No. Don't phrase it like that. Don't phrase it like that, man.

Have you seen cadaver penises? No, no. They cover. They eat those. That's a delicacy. That's what the French operate on. Did you know when if you get an ACL replacement, it's cadaver tendon? Did you know that?

That's for real. What does that mean, cadaver tendon? Like a dead person's tendon gets grafted onto your body. I don't want someone else's real live tendon. I don't want that. You know, after ACL, you see somebody limping. He's really getting mad at basketball. He just took it from him.

He never needed it. He's got a desk job. He'll be fine. But yeah, they put like a dead man's tendon in your leg and it's like the procedure is pretty cool what parts of your brain can you live without i think like uh actually uh a lot of the outer parts like the so so the outer parts like the cortex which is kind of the higher level stuff and a lot of like stuff we discovered about the brain is a lot of just people who get stabbed in the brain and And you see like.

That happens a lot. There's like a famous, like Phineas Gage. Yeah, Phineas Gage. We talked about him. Has like a railroad spike through his prefrontal cortex. Oh, yeah. And it's funny because the whole study is like, he got stabbed in the brain and he's like a huge asshole now.

So it must be like an asshole part of your brain that makes you a dick. Yeah. And you get stabbed there. It's a button in the center. Right. So let's- Yeah, let's finish this. Dude, that diagram is so funny.

That's a hard profile picture. It is like insane that he lived that. I actually have never seen that. It's been a while since I've seen the picture. He walks into the doctor and he's like, I got a bit of a problem. No, in that photo it's him holding the railroad spike that went through his brain. That's the thing that went through him and he did a photo shoot through his brain. That's a thing that went through him. And he did a photo shoot with it.

But he's a dick to everyone on set. Yeah. Maybe he's a dick because everyone keeps asking him about it. Everybody's chirping about it. Yeah, he's like, yeah, man, I fucking loved it. He's got a fat head. It's like me, streaming. Everybody asks me the same question.

I just want them to ask something else about me. He looks kind of like Tucker Carlson. Am I crazy? What? Yeah, you're crazy. We should get you in a neuroscience lab to see if that happened when you were a baby. That's why you are the way you are when you stream. I thought you were holding the railroad spike. I got tubes in my ears. Does that count?

What the fuck? I don't know. I'm always told that you had tubes in your ears when you were a baby. I'm like, that's crazy. You don't know what that means? But you didn't ask? I don't ask questions. You guys are, what are you're a baby i'm like that's crazy you don't know what that means you're right you didn't ask i don't ask questions you guys are what are you a cop do i went to uh the doctor recently and the the nurse was like super interested in my scar along my hairline and she was and she knew exactly what it was like she was like did you have a uh uh innate what was it called a tissue expander when you were a baby and i was like yeah how the fuck do you know that? And she was like, what hospital?

And I was like, oh. I told the hospital. She's like, I might have done it. Whoa. That's crazy. She was like, I did tissue expanders exclusively at that hospital when I was a nurse from these years to these years. And I was like, I'm that age.

It'd be crazy if you put down that fraud liver in front of Miss Patterson. She was like, tubes in your ears? There's a lot of steel. They're putting liver in your pocket. Yeah, but that happened. I was like, whoa. Maybe it was you, Shorty. That's kind of hype.

Imagine you guys got married. She's got to be like 40. Yeah. Oh, is that a problematic age range? She was a nurse when he was a baby. Yeah, it'd be kind of weird. But he grew up. It's like the ultimate grooming.

I was also busy. I was like, I just come out of surgery. You put him in the best bathroom. I wanted to make sure his hairline looked really good for 20 years down the line. For me, 20 years down the line. I was like, I don't know if it was you, but thanks. I think you saved me a lot of embarrassment in high school. I mean, we all saw the pictures of what you used to look like. Ugh. Grotesque. Yeah.

Truly. Bit of a freak. Yeah. You know, I realize that Yeah. Truly. Been a freak. Yeah. You know, I realize that I never wear sunscreen. It shows. It shows. It shows on your face in every part of your face. You're such bad skin.

You look like a 46-year-old man. 47-year-old man skin. You got the elephant skin. If they hit you with that UV camera, you'd look like a ghoul. You look like fondant that has been dropped. And you guys don't want to look like that, which is why today we're sponsored by Native. Specifically, Native sunscreen. Native's great because it's quickly absorbing lightweight, and it also helps you from UVA

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Now's not the time to evade. It's a little varied. I don't see it. It's vegan and cruelty-free oils, SPF 30, protection from UVA, UVB, like Ludwig just said. What is elephant skin? UV rays shine through even on cloudy days, and they can be bad for you. Let me say, if you did use native sunscreen, what scent would you like?

Yeah, pick a scent. Because you obviously don't, because you look terrible. Pick a scent. Because you need scent to drink water, which scent would you like to put on your skin? I think I'd like't because you look terrible. Pick a scent. Because you need scent to drink water. Which scent would you like to put on your skin? I think I'd like to be peach and nectar. You want like rosé or coconut pineapple? Elephant skin?

I look like I have elephant skin. You do look like you got elephant skin. You basically look like your own dad plus some more years. You look like you're about to become a Dior bag. Oh my God. Anyway, thank you so much to Native Sunscreen, guys. If you want to give your skin the protection it deserves. Did they send us product?

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That's nativeto.com slash the yard. It can't be too late. Or you can use promo code yard to check out for 20 off your first order is it too late to turn climate change around yeah yeah that for sure that and for sure that yeah not too late for you wear sunscreen every day so i do enjoy that native deodorant hey thanks cut back to the native do hey thanks back to the podcast i don't think this feeling will ever go away what do you what is it if you end up your program you finish it what do you end up doing let's say all comedy is outlawed yeah what what the liberals want there's like there's like 40 sketches about this it's like comedy clubs in 2040 and it's like what's up

with gay people and then it's like police show up so all go is outlawed because the liberals win yeah and everyone's gay with each other. Yeah. Yeah. And you have to be a neuroscientist. What does that even mean? Are you a doctor? Yeah.

I think there's like two paths. One is like staying in academia. So like a postdoc is you do more research than you teach and become faculty. That's like one. And the other is like I'm like a computational neuroscience. I do like a lot of programming. So there's all like the software. You can go into like software or just like AI development at like meta or something.

AI can map brain good. I saw a wrestler yesterday. Whoa. Nice, kiddo. Nature paper, exactly. That's what they call it. You can go on to enslave us all at Neuralink. Yeah.

Oh, I have a career path for you. Amy. Very popular. Okay. So people, they go to school a long time. They become experts at their field. And then they get really ripped. And then they make a YouTube channel.

And then they explain it all for dummies. So an example of this is like Legal Eagle. Legal Eagle. And then you just react to stuff. And you'd be like neuroscience YouTuber. Maybe again, you're ripped. Yeah.

And like the doctor guy, the doctor guy. And then you're like, Dr. Mike. And you're like, yeah, so actually AI brain scans are crazy.

And this is why. And then you can react to TV shows where they have brains in it. Yeah. Get on the, get on the horn before wired. You could be like a, you'd be like the hip hop neuroscientistist, and you'd be like dope music on YouTube where you explain the brain.

Neuroscientist reacts to Grey's Anatomy. Dude, that's good. There's a whole market. And then you have cerebral bars. Uh-huh. Yeah. Because you don't go for like... I think that's what immoral technique did.

I think immoral technique was of neuroscientists first. Yeah. This is literally what my mom tells me. She's like, you like comedy? Well, you should go into like brain science and be funny it's like your parents way of being like just just get the degree no exactly they're like that's good for science if you have a good sense of humor about it you know what's funny is i uh what i didn't think about when we shot dia special we did two two shows back to back it It was like 45 minutes.

And the first one, your parents came to. Yeah. And the next one was right. I missed that. No, yeah. Because remember, he left out a joke because it was about his parents in the first set. Really? Yeah.

Dude, I was not put onto this. No one told me this. Oh, I thought we genuinely talked about it. But yeah, Dia left out a joke from the first set because his mom and dad are right there Yeah, and you said and it's a very funny. I don't even I only want to repeat it because I understand why you Why you did it? Is it bad? Yeah, Dia's one of those comments. I never go home and think well today's the day Dia's one of those comments.

I would never go home and think, well, today's the day. I was going to make a Menendez Brothers joke, but I realized literally no one

would get it, so I'm sorry. I think people would get that. They were very popular because they're really- You know about the Menendez Brothers? Yeah,

they had a huge resurgence on TikTok because they're hot. Oh. Dia, would you ever kill your parents? No,

I don't think so. Is this what the Menendez Brothers tackles? No, I don't. I don't think so. Is this what the Menendez brothers tackles? No, this is irrelevant. This is a separate question. We ask everyone yes. His brothers killed their parents and they're incredibly wealthy. And then they spent all the money.

And then investigators were like, that's crazy. And then like they got charged with a crime. But then there's a huge group of people on TikTok were like were like they're hot they killed them because they're abused and they actually deserve to kill them because they're super abused and they just were trying to get out of the situation and they're hot and they're hot that'd be kind of cool you're in jail and you don't see tiktoks of people defending you that must be like a real you have your burner phone that you fucking paid six thousand dollars for in prison money. Right. We look at Matt Reif's family history,

and it's like, his dad was actually George Carlin. That's crazy. He died around the time that he started to get a little popular. We were talking about the meta, because just asking Dia questions, apparently Matt Reif is the handsome Squidward comic, and everyone hates him. Yeah, he's just a dude I see on like my Instagram and I'm like, this guy's too pretty to be a comedian, I think, which is probably a toxic mentality.

Oh, he's the guy who's like, who gets like letters from moms and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. He's never seen that one? No. It'll be, it'll be like, it'll be like a mom and be like, I made you this shirt and the shirt's like, i slept with moms

it'll be like this is crazy you're so sweet you're crazy you had wore this for me or something it's funny like who your audience ends up being because everyone who the people who i feel like love my comedy the most are people who look exactly like me ever approach him to show us someone who has like same height Indian dude and he's like I get it dude speak to me how do you break how do you break through to the to the Ludwigs of the world and the moms

and the moms yeah I'm sorry that's probably more important the moms how do you get into MILF comedy basically you gotta get ripped I'm telling you Dr. Mike moms love them I feel like you've started a judgmental angle here every suggestion for Dia

has just been put on some muscle don't worry and I don't know why you look great same same but there is a pull up bar downstairs

we could get started he would also do more pulls than probably all of us he definitely could do way more pulls that's the one movement I think that he's got on us.

Oh, fuck. Gap. It's like Half Thor when you fucking gapped him. Yeah, that was fun. We stay on top at mogul moves. The only way

I'm able to beat him. Bitch. Well. Sure, okay. Aggressive. No, say it again into the camera. My name is Anthony.

I said it. I said what I said. I live in Los Angeles. Come find me anytime. He's so humble, too. So you do have two very diverging paths, like Aiden said. Neurodivergent, if you will. Oh.

That means something different, right? No, neuroscience. That's when you're between brain and comedy. You can't just say people who are doing neuroscience are neurodivergent. They are. Dia, are you neurodivergent they are are you are dia are you neurodivergent no i don't i don't think so but when you came up with two words that kind of fit generally if you inputted what he said

as smart as a computer right man oh yeah are Oh, man, I have problems. Are you going to keep doing comedy? Like, do you have a game plan? Are you just rocking it, seeing what happens? Yeah, I mean, I just like, I feel like to do stand-up and make a living off of it, it does take a long time, and I've never really, I like enjoying what I do, so I've always wanted to have, like, a day job I really enjoyed. So right now I'm kind of doing two things I really like, and I really, it's hard for you to imagine not doing one of them so i i think ideally i kind of keep up with both you were saying

it's like the trajectory is is interesting because not a lot of like when you start to do stand up you go from like going to open mics and being shit to getting slightly better over years and years and years and then like maybe you like make it somehow. Right. But you happen to be friends with some guys that wanted to spend money and be producers and see what that was like, essentially. Right, right, right. So it's like, there's this cheat code, I guess.

Yeah. I guess all these things is like, when you start doing something, there's like, 100% of it is fun and it relates to the thing. And I think that as you start like trying to make a living off of it um that ratio of the new things it's like 50 fun but then 50 logistics you have to do a lot more things just to build your career and same in academia too if you want to become a faculty you have to think about legit you think about papers and ways to get there and right now i can kind of just do the fun parts of both things without having to think too hard about like really what pushes me to the next step.

I don't have to do like TikTok crowd work videos. I also don't have to like in research. I feel like if you're about to go, if like if you have a scalpel in hand and you're like, you ready? I'm like, you know, whatever. If you're like, I don't think too hard about. Yeah. I'm actually a comedian. All here we go yeah this is just facilitate and then the gas would put me under and it just dreams now forever

uh yeah my daughter is so chill he has such a relaxed balance in his life also i think i'm a dog now. He fucked something up. I just really like bones. I went to a stand-up show for the first time in like seven years, a couple weeks ago. It was horrible. No. It was so bad. Was it an open mic? It was not.

It was, we went because one of QD's friends was supposed to be on the show. But when we got there, we found out that he just kind of set up the show. And he was like the... the mc host yeah not even the host the person who sourced all the crowd what i forget it's called a brain girl usually yeah like you can do my show if you bring 10 friends you can do five minutes yeah my first show was a brain girl i had no idea they're like dude you're so funny dude come do my show bring as many friends as you can. You need five minutes. But I brought like 17 people. I was so stoked.

I need you like five minutes. The crowd is all your friends. They have a relationship where one month he brings and then one month he performs. Was it at Flappers by any chance? It was at The Yard. Oh, I've heard of this venue. I've always thought we should just do a show

there right it's a very small venue it's like a hundred total people in this concrete alleyway looking building and we go in and

and instantly I realize that he's not gonna perform cause the host gets up and he's like everyone performing tonight is in the writers guild strike and I'm like

that fucker is not in the writers guild he was a League of Legends trainer. He's not working right now, but I don't think he's striking. I don't think so. Everyone actually did mostly fine. I'm being a little harsh. But the last comic

just did a 10 minute long rape joke and said it more times than I've ever heard in my life. Wow. It's this woman. And the crowd was dead. Y'all ever at the rape convention? Buying rape t-shirts?

No, but it was actually like that. And she was like, I think everyone should have a pass on three rapists. And she's like, mine's R. Kelly. I'm going to listen to him. And then my friend Bob, he's kind of chill. I mean, I laughed at that. That was kind of the funny part. But then the crowd, she could sense it was kind of the funny part but then the crowd

she could sense it was kind of like uneasy and you know I thought she'd bounce back do some crowd work she's like fuck you guys

I'm doing five more minutes of this and then she did five more minutes of it which to an extent I can respect but the crowd did not change

well it's hard when you don't have any other material and you kind of went all in it is funny when the set up to a joke

is defending our telly that's like just the funny part that's the best set up that's supposed to be funny Yeah, it is playing the setup to a joke is defending our tally. That's like The say to that fuck you got just use my mind jogging with I Can't say that What do we jog your mind with my jogging about there buddy put you in in the neuroscience lab. I forgot. It was so funny bro. We should never podcast in the

morning ever again. I'm doing great. We'll all end up looking like Nick. Catch up sweaty. Huh? Anyway, I realized that I would struggle

to go back and do stand up again. Because I did it a good chunk in college but none of my old material would work and I'd have to come up with new material

and that's hard. Well, yeah. I mean that abortion thing was pretty fire. Yeah. college um but none of my old material would work and i'd have to come up with new material and that's hard well yeah i mean that abortion thing was pretty fire yeah the abortion thing kind of flops because the roe v wade got overturned and then all my other jokes were being a struggling college student which at this point would just be weird larping you know like like 90 of men have that fantasy of like how they would how they would do in like a bar fight and that they would just like destroy the other guy and walk out with like bruises but win i feel like if you're under like 120 pounds the other thing is guys who think they would kill stand-up like i would go on stage and i would just have the dopest set because all my friends think i'm funny i think most people

the most people who get into stand-up see someone doing it poorly. And they're like, wait a minute. Hold on. I think if... I will have at least this guy's notoriety within the first year of doing this. They see you, they're like, that's the bar, huh? Yeah, exactly. I think I've listened to people, that's their exact impetus.

Wow, that's actually interesting because the reason I started... The reason I wanted to work in esports being a video editor at first was I saw something I hated. There you go. And I was like reason I wanted to work in esports Being a video editor at first Was I saw something I hated And I was like I want to do this I think this is bad Or I've done things that are better than this

I think it's a good reason to get into things Why'd you get into it? Who are you? In high school I really liked to write I was writing a lot of like lawn form stuff And then I never really liked how It i was writing a lot of like lawn form stuff and then uh it just like i never really liked how it's just hard to show like hard to get feedback you got to put out

this whole thing you gotta write this whole thing and anyone who'd read it like you're related to and then uh or like and then they would be nice it's hard to get genuine feedback and then i saw a bo burnham show actually like summer after i graduated and i was kind of into it it had brandon mordell hosted remember. What year was this? 2015. It was probably his Make Happy tour. I think it was his tour, yeah.

His time in San Diego. I remember Brandon Wardell, I remember seeing him and being like, I could write some, I could write some. Brandon Wardell was your guy? I think he was my guy, yeah.

You know what's funny is I actually, like for a long time, I promise this will Come somewhere at the end I did not find him funny At all And it was like

Mainly cause all I'd really seen Was like Some stuff on Twitter And then I watched his stand up Um But then uh We saw him Yeah

And he did really Really good At Stav's show And he was like Probably one of the funniest acts There besides Stav Um And I was

Very pleasantly surprised I'm gonna have good fucking days good days and bad days to be clear this is from someone who's just not a comedian I don't mean to come off

like I would kill this shit or anything we are fucking baby mode cause we turn on the microphone and if Ludwig says they've thought the Breslin thing

was funny for like a year it's not funny really anymore if I could go on stage and say the same joke for a year straight and kill it, I think that'd be pretty tight. You can't. That's what tours are. How often do you make new material? Or write new material? I try, because I

mostly in Chicago, I try to, like, after I film the special, I try to do mostly new material, but if, like, the show's important, I kind of have to dip back into the, what I did last summer. The tried and trues. You know, like, I think a really big fear that i can't speak for him but like for i i have before we had done the special was like fuck what if it's just not funny like what if it's not funny and we have to like tell our friend we don't want to post it

yeah i had that fear i had that deep looming fear because we never saw ideas i only ever saw ds stand-up clips which are good but i was like i've never been to a show yeah my yeah my fears just came basically from nowhere it was just like the fear for the sake of being scared and uh i think there's been you know when we finished it i was like i was very confident like this is funny it's gonna be good but i think one thing that kind of solidified it for me was i found myself over the past because we shot it like how long ago was it now the year ago a year last july um and i found myself over the course of the year i've had to fight accidentally referencing material like while i'm joking on

this show that's cool i stole one of your jokes what was it uh fuck you'll never know wow wait wait you did this recently that did i you did it in the you did this in the patreon episode recently but it was like detached enough where i was like, it'll be a wreck. I said raccoon tambourine. I think I think Something had a Confederate flag on it. Yeah, it was like a company. I've done this before I took something so verbatim from you just like as a as a phrase on the podcast I remember the last premium you said that some company was so old, their thing had a Confederate flag on it, and I instantly was like, that's from Diaz's thing.

I sold that from Matt Reif, actually. Dude, going up on stage and stealing his jawline, like getting plastic surgery. I'm trying out a new thing. Without working out? Yeah, yeah. Twice the size. Did he say if you opened for him and did that or something?

Did he say he got plastic surgery? No, no, but like a fake clay. Dude, he should walk out with one of the jaw exercisers, like the rubber things you chew on, and pull it out before. That'd be a great show intro. You keep bringing this up. You've brought this up before. Are you into that?

When I just think of people with that jawline, I think of the... Have you seen people chew on them? No. It's fucked up looking. I have that jawline, I think of the... Have you seen people chew on them? No. It's fucked up looking. I have seen it, but I think that's just usually like the blood that fills. I don't know how much... I think it's crazier...

I don't think they actually really work. Yeah, that's what I mean. I think it's mostly genetics. I think it's funny, yeah. It's way crazier than his jawline. It's his fucking lips. His lips are... He's just got huge, luscious lips.

What do you... Okay, hands up if you think you love to do... Who... Okay. Hands up if you think you'd want to fuck Matt Rife. I don't want to be loved out. I mean, if it's going to be six months. Don't be weird.

Zipper, I want to see the jaw exercisers. No, not Matt Rife. I want to... He's so good looking. Those are to work out this muscle? Yeah. Dad, can you imagine just being

sitting in the mirror and being insecure about this muscle that's brutal well i mean it's tough isn't it like the masculine identity is tied to like look at my fucking jaw video pull a video well yeah i mean it literally damn it giga chad whoa damn it he's mad at zipper it will giga chad that's the whole thing right yeah it's just like an ultra jaw. When I found out he was a real human, that fucked me up. That did fuck me up too. Because I thought for sure this is like some edited fake human. Wait, no, it's a cartoon.

Oh, you're saying it's based on a real guy? No, it's just a picture of a guy. It's a real guy who is like that, and they took a bunch of black and white photos of a guy that looks like that. So that's a silhouette, like his actual, if he stands at a certain profile? The Giga Chad guy is, well, actually, maybe he is AI. No, he's real. Have you met him?

Have you met him? Is it really your basis? You've met enough. Oh my God, this looks like a sex toy. This is the jaw exerciser. Why is he giving the eyes? Dude, this is crazy. Imagine you walk around with one of these.

I mean, the jaw does look big. Is this like book all fat? This is like doing Kegel exercises for your mouth. Aiden would have one of these and just be like, yeah, I saw it on Etsy. It'd be funny if you were walking around like, man, I really want to become a better climber. Yeah, I figured I could get my mouth involved. There's some holds that I was gonna ask you do you ever get like

pissed at video games cause I wanted in general yeah cause Aiden oh wow this is before and after he looks the same his lips look maybe bigger but I think it's just the way they're sitting but he has more self confidence now

that's true I see you as someone who is like you just don't get mad His lips look maybe bigger, but I think it's just the way they're sitting. But he has more self-confidence now. That's true. He wonders his self-esteem. I see you as someone who is like, you just don't get mad. And like, you just, because part of being really good at improving at stuff is not spending time getting angry. And I say this directly thinking about Aiden last night, who had a bad game of Valorant and just snapped. So you find Dia to be stolid and Aiden a fickle bitch. Yeah, and I'm asking you if that evaluation is right for one.

No, I mean, I think I'm really calm in most things, but I think playing online games kind of brings up a whole thing out of my spirit that gets mad. I will play Netplay and play like a puff and then get furious. Really? Probably more mad than I've ever been in my life playing by myself.

What does furious look like for you? You slam desk? I don't really slam desk. It's kind of an... I don't think... Not really, but I just get mad. I'm like, I'll stomp. You're just like, darn, right? Shucks. Dude, oh my god.

One time I told my KO who was running it down that I hoped his mother died in a car accident. Wow. Yeah, he said the N-word too, but that was a true story. After you say that. No, no! You said you'd say that to someone and finding out they're a racist and being like,

yeah, same, same. We're both fucked. Dude, last night, Nick Yingling and Aiden are playing Valorant, and Aiden plays at the office, and he's here till like 2am Yingling also plays at the office now they both do yeah and Aiden like they lose their game and then Aiden asks me about scheduling

and I get mouthy at it I basically made fun of him for not reading the group chat you jeered him and he's like I'm not going to argue with you about this. And then he exits the call and just leaves. And then after he leaves, Nick Yingling's like, he just can't play video games when he's mad. Like, he's just, I don't want to tell him this, but he's just got to stop when he's mad.

Like, I'm sitting across from this guy and he's fucking slamming the desk. He sounded like it was an intervention that you weren't at. You can work on some exercises. Shut up. Like jumping jacks. Shut up. I have an unhealthy habit. I like looking people up after we lose.

Seeing their records? No, seeing their life. Finding their Instagram? Yeah. I also do this. What? I played a game, a solo queue game. I get to play one game a night usually.

That's it. That's all I have time for is maybe one game. Sometimes the nights, most nights I don't play. Unless you're with your bear. Unless I'm with you. You play a lot with the bear. In which case we slop up. And so I played one game, one game the other night.

And like we're doing okay. And I'm top fragging and I'm calming. And it's a silent lobby. Occasionally someone chirps up. And at the very end, we lose like six rounds straight. like we're doing okay and i'm top fragging and i'm common and it's a silent lobby occasionally someone chirps up and at the very end we lose like six rounds straight and it's just like it's last round it's a quarter of the game like it was seven to seven and we're like we're losing six straight yeah and uh and so i just hop on i'm like hey maybe we all call it after this one like you know okay like we all should go to bed little joke joke. And, uh, and then bot frag on the team types,

she goes, you're not that good. I'm like, I'm like, say to me, like, don't type it to me, say it to me.

And then like, she's, she pauses for a while. Like her character doesn't move. And then like the round goes on. And then like, as we're about to lose, she drops a motherfucker.

And then, and then without skipping a beat, I go eat shit and die gay men's oh they have a very distinct profile name okay i get to twitter right away no way look at the profile maybe add in valorant because then it pulls up some key searches you did work find them find them maybe on like the second search very quick find them i'm like okay like bio it's like uh she they queer disabled artists i'm like oh yeah yeah yeah i'm like okay all right you're a fucker you're a piece of shit but you know whatever so i just i let i let it i let it go by but i'm like i

you know i was seated i was seating over that profile. She had like four halo over shields You just wait, you gotta wait, you can't take that fight It would be a funny prank to just be so tossed in a video game But just make your display name like somebody on Twitter who's like You know what you do in that situation Ludwigwig, is you search their account for slurs. Retweet one? Yeah. Wow.

That's actually toxic. Yeah. Well, so is looking them up. I only do that when people make fun of my dead dad. I'll find out whatever I can. I usually don't. I don't do it on Valorant. I don't. I've never reached out.

I've never, like, I'm always tempted to, like, see their profile and reach out. But I always just look and I just and I just stare at them I love how you're human I I had a a guy in our game who like he he refused to let me play Raze he like I was like let me play he's like no no let me let me play let me play I'm like uh I mean I like this Raze on this map and he's like no no let me play it but he locks it without like letting us talk about it I'm like okay then I switch and then he gets five kills the whole game we lose and it's I'm playing with Daw i switch and then he gets five kills the whole game we lose and i'm playing with dawson and i looked this guy i was the same thing a lot of his way i

looked this guy up he didn't even say anything i'm just mad that he locked my character and then sucked at the game and uh i find his instagram he has he builds supercars and his bio says radiant valorant player and i'm like no no no i'm not ready you know you're not in my lobby you're not ready to play so i go to his tracker and i look at his history and i'm like were you No, no, no So I go to his tracker and I look at his history and I'm like were you ever radiant? And so I go and it's like six seasons back He hit radiant once and was radiant for two games and then lost it and is now ascendant one and it's hard stuck Ascendant one so he has not been ready for a long time buddy. He got his badge But he got his badge he put in the bio immediately and I was it in the bio immediately. And I was so mad at this guy.

I'm like, I want to DM you and be like, oh, you're not... Use your tracker. I fucking looked at it. I lose the second I do that. No, you don't lose. I lose. That's the lie that we feed ourselves. You should ruin his reputation with the supercar community.

Find out the other supercar builders and start saying shit. Spread it around. Dude, the opposite of this. I was also in a game with this, me and Dawson were playing with this kid. He's gotta be like 17 or something.

Just one of the funniest people we've ever met. He's lighting the lobby up. Everything he says is electric. We're just like, dude, I love this guy. At the end of the game, he, you know how

usually someone will like yell at obscene at you in the mic. He goes, this is my name. Look me up on LinkedIn. I'm looking for work. I'm a coder.

And I go, I look him up on LinkedIn. I find him work I'm a coder and the game ends and I go I look him up on LinkedIn I find him and it's like yeah he does code he's about to graduate college I go to his Twitter

I confirm it's him he's supposed to hold his Valorant shit and I was just like yeah it was just really funny that's the other side of it he just doxxed himself doing this with Valorant

but looking for comedy club openings I'll do five minutes anywhere practicing your 30 in like a long lot of sweating games there used to be a game called like comedy night have you guys ever heard of this yes this is very popular or used to be very popular on streams yeah and just like during the pandemic some like a game where you can just talk do open my comedy online to avatars opened up and then

a bunch of comedians were like this is the future this is how you practice you can do 20 mics a night this looks so bad doing stand up this is like celebrity death match oh my god it can be really funny

especially if you're in a discord call with a lot of people and so that's like the most popular videos I've seen of it and i think there's also like a function yeah it's like emotes so like the jeering there's a meta the jeering is incredible dude you can boo yeah you can boo as an avatar have you have you dabbled no i mean i tried it and it's instantly the most soul-sucking place to be yeah and it's mean, it's... Is there, like... So, imagine your micro's bad, and you, like, you tell a joke, but your guy needs to point upwards as you do it, but you fuck up the timing,

because, like, if you're not a gamer... Bring in execution to... Yeah. Execution to, like, micro-execution to comedy. Like, you miss your L cancel, and your guy says the N-word. Right. Yeah, mouse-slipping the N word. Right. Yeah.

Mouse slipping a Nazi joke. Sorry. Sorry. That wasn't part of my thing. I'm an uncle punch for a bit. The uncle punch comedy channel. You got eight frames to point out. Slip my desk.

That would suck. Yeah. I remember in the pandemic, it was like some people, some like comedians were like, oh, we'll do like a Zoom like comedy show. And it's like, you don't need to do that. They were so bad. I've done like a handful of them over the pandemic. And they're just, it just kills why you like comedy.

Dude, do that on your desk. Yeah. You're sitting down? Yeah. That's crazy. With just your normal lighting too. Just posters behind you and the lotion and actually you gotta clean up beforehand a little bit see you're looking like a slob

i'll need a shower i'll clock in yeah i i think there were some things with the pandemic it's like let's just not do this until everything's back to normal we can just not yeah and i think stand up comedy was one of those things i feel like two things that i think you know benefit in a couple ways but also suffered after covid was like tv like tv and comedy where like every joke was about wearing a mask yeah completely which i get it you got to say something no i think i think the first episode of always sunny i ever didn't like was the one they made uh during the pandemic where they're like, it's COVID. I was like, this is like the first episode I've seen I just didn't like.

He didn't like the fact that there was a liberal hoax in his show. I don't get why you would put something that's a scam. Because you just wouldn't need the mask. Why would you? Don't put it on. You didn't make a flu episode. Flu killed man, just made people. Yeah, instead of writing jokes

you could be doing the mouth exercises and working out you have a career instantly once it was over they come back

to oh sonny they're all amazing they're like fucked up that's kind of they kind of did do that

that's kind of what Mac did yeah that's kind of what Mac did a couple of them got plastic surgery I feel like it kind of seems

like a rift yeah in one way or another. Mac is definitely a rift. Rob got a rift, yeah. Mac is Rob McIntyre because he owns the team. Wrexham, that's that guy. McIntyre? Isn't it McIntosh?

McElhenney? McElhenney. Yeah, you just got his name wrong. I don't fucking care. Yeah, he also has to be a Chad, I think, for Mythic Quest, which he's also on. Oh, yeah. His show. I'm not going to explain this to you. Sounds, for Mythic Quest, which he's also on. I don't know what that is. Oh, yeah. His show. I'm not going to explain this to you.

Sounds cool. You're not listening. It's okay. I don't need to do this. You know when I made you guys food in Italy and you loved it? You chef that hoe. I have gotten way better at chefing that hoe. I don't think you have.

I've leveled up. And if I cooked for you now, you'd be enthralled. I doubt it. You don't cook. Why would you've leveled up and if I cooked for you now you'd be enthralled. I doubt it. But you don't cook why would you level up? Fellas, it's called HelloFresh. Sponsor of today's podcast.

Oh, it's called a podcast. Yeah, it's called a podcast. It's like a friendship simulation. I actually use HelloFresh. It's one of the few sponsors that I use that I don't shill out with zero regard

to what it is. You actually do. When the food comes in the box I get excited. And you rustle through all the different stuff in there. There's usually like a hand. Yeah. And like... You set you rustle through all the different stuff in there. There's usually like a hand. Yeah.

And like. You set aside. You got to pull out the tusks in there. Set them aside. We're not cooking elephant farts. HelloFresh does not condone the use of tusks. They confirmed. HelloFresh told me that they have mostly a** meat.

No, no, no. They confirmed it. I talked to the guy. I talked to the CEO. I talked to the CEO. I called the CEO. So I don't know what you want to tell me. The CEO of HelloFresh is lying?

They do have a lot. They have 40 weekly recipes. You can choose from over 100 items. None of them have tusks. It's for fit and wholesome to pescatarian veggie. Also, f***ing meat only. No, no, no. And as someone who also has used HelloFresh,

I like that it's all portioned and you just put the all of everything in. It's nice because you don't have to think about numbers. And it's easy to track macros which is really hard when you make a meal without HelloFresh. That's why you're so small.

And none of you out there are working out but if you decide to one day that'll be helpful. If you want to be an Adonis like Ludwig just truly chiseled. The only time

slime is positive to me is about the status of my body and it's because of HelloFresh that I look this way and because I go to the gym too. I guess. Body built by HelloFresh. Anyway, go to HelloFresh. I look this way. You're welcome. Because I go to the gym too. I guess. Body built by HelloFresh. Anyway, go to HelloFresh.com slash theyard16.

Use code theyard16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping. Also, if that's HelloFresh, if you go, that's HelloFresh.com slash theyard16 and use code theyard16, you will receive in the mail a baby. 16 free meals. It's a lot. It's a lot. And you can do with it what you want. You can cook it. You have to. Keep it as. It's a lot. It's a lot. And you can do with it what you want. You can cook it.

You have to keep it as a pet like a bear. You have to go to the port of Long Beach to pick it up, but they send it to you. They pay for the customs fees. Archie can use his elephant. You have to bleep out. And that's the promise. Archie, can you just put a big asterisk over Slime's head

anytime he's lying for this whole read? America's number one meal kit. Right. And also exotic pet Suppliers Let's get back to America's number one podcast Whoa Seeing you be good

Seeing you be good at all these different things now I was wondering when you get Like when you started at comedy I assume You were worse at it I was terrible I feel like that has to be the most Like losing at a video game to i feel like that has to be the most like like losing at a video game to me is like you lose and then it's over in this small space of time and then you just

instantly boot it up again for redemption and that's kind of how other things work because you often have like the privacy of maybe your home to like practice and get good at it but stand-up is be kind of like being publicly shamed when you fail. Booting up another tight five. Yeah. Go next, go next, go next. Just go next.

You know, guys, I'm doing five more. Dude, my first ever open mic, first time I ever did comedy, I brought, and this has been no, no, no, no, no, but I brought like 10 friends, and then I did my set, and it was so bad that I left without telling them. I mean, I got off stage and just left.

And I just had 10 friends at the mic watching. Holy shit. I remember I just walked around campus just like, no, it is terrible. But I think when you start, you have to have some sort of delusion that you didn't do that bad. Like, you know, you bombed, but you were thinking, ah, it was a hard crowd. I didn't quite get them. So I think if you knew how bad you are when you started, you would quit instantly. Because, like, every year you're like, oh, that's what you said.

Then a year later you look back and you're like, oh, that's terrible, unwatchable. And I think you kind of have to keep up that delusion until you get to a point. And you don't ever know when the delusion goes away. But I think without that, then it's too devastating to your soul to be that unfunny in public. Is the worst you ever bombed, like, Is that the worst you've ever bombed? Or at least the worst you've ever felt? No, I have terrible bombs every year. My most recent really bad one was about two years ago.

I was in Appleton, Wisconsin. You made it up right now. I just made up a city. Am I panicking? I'm like panicking I'm an apple tonic Seeing apple Right And like they just didn't know what I was talking about Just like I'm talking about like capitalism

I was using the word nepotism And they had no idea what that meant So I'm just saying words I remember saying Penn's Labyrinth And I had a moment on stage where I was like Oh nobody here knows what the word pen aaron rogers and yeah just would eat it for like and once you had a bit better you start doing laundry sets so you're eating it for even longer oh my god and i'm hosting i imagine i i have. I imagine I have a recurring nightmare during the day where I think about what it would

feel like to be one minute into your set and realize they're not going to understand the next 29 minutes. Yeah. And how that would feel, that moment. Yeah. And there's little tricks you can do to get out of a bomb. And when those stop working, usually there's a trick. If a joke doesn't work, you just say something like, okay, or all right.

And then usually it gets a laugh laugh almost out of relief by the crowd That was the main joke that hit at the last stand-up I went to was everyone like they would bomb a joke and be like fuck you guys that was funny Yeah, or like it's gonna be a long one right cuz it just alleviates the tension People laugh at that but when you start bombing loggin ups where those stop working Then you're like your face gets hot and yeah, and then time slows down too. time slows down too Start checking your phone It's like the worst thing The challenge is getting lit early

So in comedy they give you a one minute light But if you get that on a paid gig It is like you're doing bad bad They don't even want their money's worth anymore And it's so terrible that you're relieved to see it I've definitely had bombs Rarely now but they still happen They don't even want their money's worth anymore. And it's so terrible that you're relieved to see it. I've definitely had bombs, like, rarely now, but they still happen,

especially when I'm leaving Chicago and going to these Midwest cities. I like the idea. You know how there's Taylor's version of the songs? It's like you have a version of your set where all the words are more simplified, and it's like cletus's version no i don't i do have like sets or versions of sets i do when based on like a little crowd

at this stage for you is it's not so much about like your ability to deliver or like do this joke that you've already done and succeeded a bunch of times it's about like regional differences and audience understanding i've like never thought about that i mean i think that's a big part but i also think like i try to do a lot of new material a lot so even in chicago i i like have jokes not hit a lot especially if they're new so that's also so a lot of times you say stuff that's not funny but yeah but the real soul-crushing bombs are just like a lot of people just totally not understanding the thing you're saying just like they don't get it they're not even heckling they're just confused that's like

the worst at least a heckling kind of have a back and forth i think there is a sweet spot you get to though as a comedian where like you you get so popular online that like you like you kind of take all the power in the sense that when you make you tell a joke that they don't understand they almost laugh harder yeah because they want to be in the crowd that gets it. No. I think when people are there to see you, you can get away with murder. You can say whatever you want. And they're just so excited to see you that you do well.

Will you do a live show? And we will never realize that we're not funny. Because everyone who goes to our live show. No, I've solved this. You just befriend comedians. And then they'll prove to you very quickly you're not funny. Right. And you just go,

oh, I know that now. Yes, sir. I know that I'm the least funny person. Dude, it's like Melee. It's actually the same. Yeah. Because you think you're good

because your friends are all bad at it. And then you go to your first tournament and you realize that you're the worst in the room at it. Yeah.

This is like what Brendan Schwab did. Brendan Schwab was this comedian who used to, I don't know do UFC or something or and yeah he would get

like pretty good comments when he would open and they would just like chat and be like yeah he would just like they would laugh for first five minutes so they were there

to see him and then at some point it's comedy like if it's not funny it's not funny then he would just like bomb and especially

he would have pretty good comedians open who were like working so there would just be this gulf of difference between him doing like 40 at a theater see the one who's been on joe rogan a bunch yeah yeah yeah he's just dude i remember watching it was way back it was an eddie griffith special and it was a special it was like filmed and produced and like put out and i remember i think i downloaded it i was torrenting comedy specials and i watched i started watching it.

And he tells the first joke, not a lot of people laugh. And he tells the second joke and not a lot of people laugh and it wasn't funny. And I was like, oh no. Like this is just bad, I bet. And I just didn't finish it. There's so many. Two jokes in and I click out like it was a YouTube video. But I had to sit there and wait for the fucking download. Isn't that crazy?

You didn't give him a third? Huh? You didn't give him a third? I did the same thing to John Mulaney last night, actually. Really? I didn't think it was that bad. It just wasn't, like, I didn't laugh in the first two, and I was like. He didn't say, what's up, guys?

Today I'm, today I'm burying myself alive. Yeah. You were like, oh, boring. Something was going to happen later in the video. The thumbnail was weird. The thumbnail was weird. The thumbnail was weird. It was just him. Yeah, just a John.

Oh, my. I'm thinking about how we thumbnail Dia's special. We should put Mr. Beast in it. It's like I gave a comedian 30 minutes on a stage. You can't joke about Mr. Beast. He's like, don't do that. As long as you don't say it three times in front of a mirror, we're safe.

Can you imagine doing a Mr. Beast video and he doesn't give you money? I'd be so mad. That happened this week. He did a video where it was like, do you want a mystery gift or a dollar? And the mystery gift was a bunch of packages you get get on Christmas, like once every 10 years that you keep opening into smaller and smaller packages.

And the final package was a tiny box with one dollar in it. Did they pick the mystery gift? Yeah. You have to. They were also kids. It was both a dollar. It was either a dollar or a dollar. That's devastating.

But you didn't know it was a dollar. Yeah, but it's just a longer way to get a dollar. But it's funny because Mr. Beast asked you that it's a trick question because you know he's got more than that.

You know he's got more than a dollar. So I'm saying you get a Mr. Beast mystery gift and all you get for it is one dollar? You lost.

Well, I mean he did give away when you've given away that many millions of dollars for no reason you kind of earn giving people one dollar and making content. I always think about it.

You really get these one opportunities. And can you imagine being on Humans of New York and not asking for money for your GoFundMe? I also have a huge wasted offer. They know they want to slip that in. They're like giving their life story. There's always a cause. There's always a cat that needs surgery. Yeah, my dad worked long nights as a garage man my entire life.

This vibrator will make you sick. Sunset lights. Oh, I like the replies. And my cash app is... What was... Fuck, I lost it. We can never podcast in the morning. Dude, this is all only you.

We can't podcast in the morning. You fell off. You fell off. You're sunsetting. You're sunsetting. Imagine if it was Aiden, you would be so mad at him. I'd make fun of him. You'd be like, this is a reflection of you.

That's what you'd say. Or think. That's what I'm saying. That was a good way to end on. That was good. He's doing it now. The ball back. This is basically just like a micro, like heckling, dealing with hecklers.

Yeah, I should do stand-up. Yours relationship. That's what I should do. I think you don't deal with hecklers well. The problem, okay, there's two ways Aiden would deal with heckling if he did stand-up. One, like, oh, you guys don't like my jokes? That's like, fine. That's cool.

Then he would go out with the crowd after and like explain why the joke was funny. You're like, no, I wrote it like this because I went to Europe and i met the people who do this thing i met them and then they'd like it and they'd be like yeah but i don't like that joke because of this he's like yeah that makes sense to me do you like you want to get a beer that'd be a great video like me and destroy his heckler but it's just him floundering on stage and it followed the camera follows him off stage the other side of aiden would be valorant aiden on the omen becoming friends. It's like 25 minutes. The other side of Aiden would be Valorant Aiden on the Omen where he's

up on stage and someone's like, Boo! Fucker! You're not funny, pussy! And he's like, and then he just flips out. And then he just like, kills him. Yeah, and he kills him. And Aiden's in jail and he's passed around like a bag of Oreos. Yeah, but I want. I want. No, I respect it, yeah.

Dude, have you ever seen anyone plant a heckler? I mean, so in Chicago, I definitely like hang out with like alternative comedians. That's like a whole sort of comedy outside the club. They call them gay now. What does alternative mean? It's, I think, pretty much just like a very big catch-all for not doing club comedy which is very standard punchline it sounds like it's similar like the music scene where like you have like indie bands who are local to your city and they play at these small venues a lot

and the locals know them but no one else does yeah but i think there's also like a split like in chicago there's like the club like there's a laugh factory and like a zany's where like the more standard comedians go and there's all these other sort of venues that are like for comedy specifically but they get like weirder comedy like you know like sarah squirm on snl yeah she was kind of like the head of the all comedy scene in chicago it's comics that use like way different time signatures and shit yeah so a lot of a lot of all comedians they do like they're trying to make fun of the heckler videos but they do these elaborate like planting audience members and like someone someone did like um sort of roast battles like a popular show in chicago and they once like but an alt comedy person and then his

whole thing was he kept pissing his pants before saying his joke and then he like planted a bunch of audience members to start like cackling him and but that was like his whole roast battle there's something he starts stuttering for his joke and then he he'd have water in his pants, and he'd start doing it. Oh, that's such a good idea. Just in any situation, honestly, I think that's a funny button for me. It's like getting a job interview and just pissing myself for the bit, and just filming it. Like, oh, God, I'm so sorry. It's like, you're the best interviewee ever, but there's just piss everywhere.

I've had this dream for a super long time of uh making a video that's like hey like going to like r slash comedy and posting like hey guys can you guys rate my my 10 minutes like i worked on it really hard all year and i had a friend film it and then it's a camera in the crowd and the mic is from the camera and the only thing you can kind of hear the comedian but you can only really hear the couple next to the camera that's fine they're arguing for 10 minutes and it's like a really elaborate of hear the comedian but you can only really hear the couple next to the camera that's fine they're arguing for 10 minutes and it's like a really

elaborate argument where the guy is clearly a dick and then posting it but keeping it real you're like out of focus yeah yeah you can really not

even hear the material but then doing it all like kind of for real like going and filming that and I like had that idea for so long that's a great idea and someone's like

yeah someone's earnestly like I don't know if you know this or not but we can't hear or see you sorry about the audio had the idea for so long that's a great idea and someone's like yeah someone's earnestly like i don't know if you know this or not we can't hear sorry about the audio there's there i'm on the history subreddit a lot and someone asked a question it was like how did the civilization in egypt like blossom when it's just in a desert and there was a guy on there who was just so utterly confused but you could also tell pissed off he's like is this like a joke like if this is a joke you can just tell me i think it's a joke i'm just gonna answer anyway the nile river that's why like a whole paragraph about how like water helps civilization grow but you could tell he was just so like he didn't want to get trolled but he

also wanted to answer the question so badly yeah and i'm like that is that's who your bit I want to learn it out. I was I was sitting here like I know this one I think it was an earnest question cuz like I think our depictions of Egypt are from Super Mario levels That's the Sun true Sun comes down right it gets you you get a cave you collect all the coins You gotta go inside the pyramid Just like that. They had wing caps for real back then. That's how they built the pyramids, just with the wing cap. Ra had a wing cap, and the pharaohs had wing cap.

And the slaves? Metal Mario. Also wing cap. The yard, and then it's on the DVD box set, slaves were metal Mario. Can you imagine there's like a half A press, but it's just like pyramid with one slave. You might be thinking, how do you build a pyramid with half a slave? Consider this.

It's like a talking head. It's like, I thought the bottom would be the best. But they really believed in the top. I found the worst subreddit ever the other day what is it but it's called true rate me and it's where people yeah all good uh and they would it's like you post a picture yourself and then people would rate you so it's not roast me it's it's be honest with me. Yes, but it's called true rate me because I think there's many rate me sites that have existed.

Can you just say the T more like enunciated? Yeah. A little. You say the word rate to fat rate. I'm afraid I'm settling in for another five minutes right now. Just say like rate me. Fellas, I think we get to pick three. Rate, rate, rate me. And so I think there's many rate me sites

This is for true rating true Grade me yeah, it's a great never one who score me like score and Zip her out of the thesaurus for this True grade me Yeah And so they're grading everyone True score me I like score And And the

What makes this one true Is that they have a very thorough Guideline of how you have to grade Every single person Which is like Four Google Doc pages They got a rubric for people They have a rubric

And it's literally Every single rating And then five examples Of who would be in that rating And And it's like 10, no one, there is no such thing as a 10. I believe that 9.5. It's like Anna de Armas and like a bunch of other like celebrities that they picked out. And it's like nines and they have literally five pictures for every single 0.5 rating. And then they have a different rating guide, which is like the symmetry of the face, all this. And so when you go to the actual pages where people are rating, yeah.

Facial harmony symmetry. Mid-face ratio? Yeah, I'm actually facial harmony main, but I can play symmetry if the group needs it. I can film mid-face if some people need as well. I don't like skin. It feels like... Skin is a bad... There's like some good colors.

It shouldn't just say. It generally means like acne or whatever. There's definitely a lot of. I can feel. There's like a really weird amount of like blue eye blonde hair people with tens on the Reddit. I would love to see the breakdown. There is a lot of intrinsic racism just based in like the beauty of like noses, you know,

nose shapes are good and it's like well that is very subjective some of us have mediterranean noses but but the whole purpose of like the mod who set it up is like no this is objective beauty and what makes it cringe is that when you go to the rating pages sometimes if people rate too high it'll be like oh uh you have gotten a warning this rating has been removed because over inflation or sometimes it'll be like, oh, you have gotten a warning. This rating has been removed because overinflation or sometimes it'll be like underinflation. So it's like the mods will specifically pick out comments that they think are overrating or underrating the person.

And sometimes it's like, okay, they rated it like a 10. They're like 10, you're gorgeous, honey. And it's like, this is overrating. I'm like, okay, I can understand that. But other times it'll be like somebody and it'll be like 6.7. And it'll be like, this comment has been removed for overrating I'm like really that's crazy like 6.3 will slide and it's like this is no longer true rate me

This is like get within the mods parameters And so I did a little deep dive and the worst one I found was 3.5 and a mod comment underneath and it was like this has been removed for overrating and a mod comment underneath and it was like, this has been removed for overrating. And I was like, you're kidding! That's brutal. You're kidding! Yeah, honestly, the Welsh eyebrows on this face

are just not enough. Those are real attempts at comments that are on there. Oh my god, so this is the rubric. Ian Somerhalder. It'd be so funny if it was a true rating, but it's clearly just this guy's fetish. It'd be like... Yeah, it's just all the same looking guys.

So this is clearly a nine. Right. Kind of looks under 18. They have a 1 out of stat. Yeah. Like how many people in a group of people would be a 7? All of the guys on this page look exactly the same level of attractive. I know. In my mind you could put a 6.5 and an 8 spot

and 9.5 spot. How is that guy? We're down to 5 and everybody's still pretty attractive. How is Steven Yuen a 5? I agree with that. That's crazy. He's higher than a 5.5. This is so interesting. What a brain run.

Lil Wayne's a 4.5 in that picture? Lil Wayne's overrated in that picture. I think this is the only chart that DJ Khaled and Ed Sheeran are in the same picture. I don't know how they're next to Wanderly. I don't know if it's Wanderly. chart that DJ Khaled and Ed Sheeran are in the same Wonder lie I kind of want to I want to get to the bottom Okay, a big jump has just taken yes, right? Yes. There is a huge way go up go up. What about just unknown? It's just a guy William hung is just unknown and then they quickly the bottom ratings the bottom ratings, it's just only people with physical deformities.

It's just like, that's it. That is so weird. It's just unknown deformed people. Or just like, I guess just like old people without teeth. I think it's the person who made this document looking up like ugly people. The people at the bottom are like AI generated. It's like sourced from funny junk.

It's like a picture you would randomly roll on funny junk. That is so, how'd you stumble across that? It was under another subreddit. It was like cringe. And it was just a screenshot of like this girl posting a selfie. And it was like five people being like 6, 6.5, 6.7. And she's like, you know, like a fine looking girl. And the mods are all like overrated, overrated, overrated.

Come and removed, come and removed, come and removed that's what that was the 4chan meme forever which was like dudes on 4chan they like circle someone's like a woman's finger being like a little too long and they say two out of ten wouldn't bang yeah this is like a megan fox back in the day when she was like the hottest only woman in the world and everyone was like but look at her toes her toes are weird or it's her thumbs just thumb toes yeah thumb it's not funny how how the internet always circles back to Zuckerberg's original Facebook creation? It's just everything that keeps going until one day someone invents Hot or Not.

Yeah, that's it. That's the singularity. And then we're just, here we are. And Aiden's on there. I'm on Hot or Not. Which way would you swipe? Let me tell you the truth if steven you went to 5.5

i got fucking horrible news coming for you i just saw that list and i'm like i'm a 4 that's what that that's what those kinds of lists do to your brain like the person who made that must have a fucked up life that list made matt rife probably

he probably like started checking up the boxes yeah they got a could Matt Rife even Matt Matt's like sitting at a 6.5 on that list you take that back about my lips are tight lips are a little bit too big chewed on the jaw dog muscle for too long well that was

Dan Cook right like way back he was the he was the first like Chad comedian like mainstream. Was he? Yeah. He was like a handsome guy who was like. He was a PC Chris of comedy kind of. He was a PC Chris of comedy. Thank you.

He was what few other comedians at the time were. Handsome. He was cool. In George Carlin's day, you were an ugly sack of shit. I thought he was like Maybe you're right I guess I only listened to the audio And then I saw him in movies Fantasy football

Roster also At the time Now everything's getting homogenized Everyone has a Nintendo Switch Everyone watches football You don't watch football You don't watch football You also don't You're not Huh? What? What the? You don't watch football. You also don't...

What the? You're not poor. What would you... You do have a switch-o. Alright. I was at Anthony's house yesterday and he has a pair of underwear in the garbage. They're bad. They're bad. In his bathroom garbage, like you know the small

one that fills with a couple things? He just has underwear in there. It went bad. And he's has underwear in there it went bad and he's like and he's like i know it sounds bad but my but my laundry machine puts crusty things in my boxers so i threw them away this is this is true you just cummed yourself no i didn't cum myself i'm like okay this happened with my hello kitty shirt i believe there's video evidence of this it's basically like the detergent or something in my washer. I try to not cum myself.

It puts this weird detergent crust spot onto my shirt or my other clothes. And this happened with my boxers. So it looks like they're just fucking cum rag boxers. Well, to me, I was like, ew. But the Hello Kitty shirt, I liked. Jesus. So I just threw it away. But I live good. I live good.

I live good. What are you trying to convince me? He does have a water cooler. I like that. I have a water cooler like it's an office. When people come over, we can stand by it. Like a bubbler? Yeah, it's got like the jug.

A bubbler? He gets the jugs delivered. A water cooler is like an office. It's a container that holds water. No, a water cooler. You're being a fucking asshole right now. Are you serious? A cooler is like a container that holds water. You're being a fucking asshole right now. Are you serious? A cooler is like the container you bring on a camping trip to put drinks in. Do you know like in an office when they go, it's like, we're at the water cooler?

They don't call that. It's a bubbler. It is literally what they call it. Water fountain? Water bubbler? He's not talking about that. No, a bubbler is a water fountain. Yeah.

I've heard that called that. Like at school? They're talking about different things. This is the tank on top with the red and blue. You know what, there's different nomenclature from east coast to west coast. He realized he was wrong. He realized he was wrong! Nope, nope, nope.

I saw his eyeballs. No! Take the New York Times dialect test. Okay, that's it. Bubbler's a bubbler. That's it. You take the New York Times dialect test, which gets popular every year. Fuck the New York Times.

Fuck you, man. No, on God, because we do the crossword, and we have beef. We do it every night. We're fucking- we're over. NYT is over party. You know what it was? And BLM. You know what clue is over? Is over party. To be clear, we're talking about

Brennan Lee Mulligan. Because he didn't respond to our DMs. Wait, is him for something else? Right. Okay. Go ahead, Nick. So, uh, we'll get back to that. Um, I forgot. What were we talking about? NYT crosswords. Oh, I think the clue that did us in, what, uh, we'll get back to that. Um, I forgot. What were we talking about? MIT crosswords. Oh, I think the clue that did us in,

it was like, uh, what was it? Interesting, something that has interesting points. There's some bullshit. It was like something with interesting points, and the answer was a cactus. It took us an hour. It took us an hour to do the crosswords. There were seven minds in the call of our generation.

Well, interesting means something else, too. What? Look up interesting. What are you talking about? I don't think you're telling the truth to me, man. Don't look up interesting. Sit back, don't do it. Okay, then you won't learn.

Okay, he did. This is arousing curiosity or interest. Nope. Holding or catching the attention. Catching the attention, because when it pricks you... Oh my god. No, you're... The pun is a point.

Also means cactus. Did you ever do improv? No, not really. Can I ask you what you think about improv as a stand-up comedian? Because I've gained more respect for it. I've definitely had the same. In San Diego, there isn't too much improv.

In Chicago, there's a lot. In Chicago, there's a lot. In San Diego, Diego improv was always I felt kind of really bad but in Chicago uh and there is a lot of bad improv but the good people who are good at improv are really incredible at it in fact like it's kind of blown me it's one of the things I've like oh I cannot ever do yeah you see someone who's good at improv you're like okay I get it and there's not much crossover between the scenes in Chicago improv people do improv. Sometimes people start one and go to the other, but there's not too many people who do both pretty actively. Yeah.

Because they're pretty different. They're like different forms of comedy, and you kind of have to practice. But yeah, I like improv now a lot. I can't go see a stand-up show just to enjoy it. It's really hard for me. There's only a couple comedians who I like enough where I can just enjoy a show without being mad in the back. what are you getting mad at just like just on these bad i get mad

you always want to perform yeah especially it's a cool show do you kind of burn a little bit or even if like they're good and you want to get better so you start thinking about like oh i want to be better i've tried really hard to to stomp out this mentality Because like something I do a lot is like I'll watch something that like has a lot of views Like a director like got their launch on Or something and I'm like this is terrible And I'm like so quick to like Analyze it and like think of the reasons why it's bad

And I'm realizing what I'm doing is being like Feeling like I deserve to be in that spot No completely But like I'm not in that spot I'm trying to like remember that I think that's why it's easy to like not get better at things because once you start like, once you get better at something, you start having an ego.

And then everything you see becomes some sort of like reflection on your ego. Either it's better than you or it's worse than you. But you just compare it to yourself. So you're constantly being challenged or it feels like you're being challenged. I just tell my chat about this a lot. What? About what? Comparing.

It's bad. Really? You teach them that lesson? I tell them all the time. When's the last time you told them this lesson? Maybe a week ago. What was the context? That's a good question.

Can't remember. That's okay. Oftentimes it's viewership. They love viewership. They'll compare. I'm higher viewership than someone, lower viewership than someone. Man, they hit you with a snore real early this episode, huh? Yeah.

You used up that power. Yeah. It clawed back. I had something I was going to ask you. I forgot. We can never do this in the AM again. Dude, you're useless. Ever.

You're sunset. Do you understand? You're not going to be here in episode 102. 102, I'm not going to Do you understand You're not gonna be here In episode 102 102 I'm not gonna be here You're not gonna be here 101 I'm standing tall Right now as we speak

In front of God Stop stop Correct yourself 101 Yeah Right now I'm standing Standing

Yep In front of God Thank you for excluding the tall Continue Wow Hey Ludwig Everyone

I don't get it. He called you short. Wow. I just don't like when you jump tall on yourself. Wait, actually, we're done? Yeah. I had one more question for you. Hit me.

Because you're pretty good at chess. You're pretty good at melee. Presumably good at other things. There's this array of things you enjoy dumping your time into and right now you're at this comfortable place where you can kind of do comedy and like pursue your phd you don't necessarily have to pick a side but if is there anything like outside of those two things that if it could suddenly become your career and all the success would come with it would you like if you could play melee full-time for a million dollars a year would you do that

instead um i don't i think I'm a comedy person at heart I think comedy is always my favorite thing of all the things I do so that would always be like if I need to come in the way I want and probably would be it but So you get your fucking PhD in neuroscience and then if you could just be a comedian you just do that I think so But being a can I think like I think full-time comedy in general has a lot of things just come with it I don't want to do like I don't like like just the travel I mean this sounds dumb, but just you're just traveling a lot

You don't get to have a routine in your place like I want to be like a city comic I love living in the city and doing comedy. Traveling sucks man. Yeah, you admit like get a moped, watch the sunset No, he's very smart. He's being very smart. He's an old Taiwanese man. No, don't talk about- That you might have a romantic feeling for. Stop! Stop. He's being very smart. No, don't talk about Tuba. That you might have a romantic feeling for. Stop. He's a cool guy.

I think you're right that routine's very important in life, and you lose routine when you travel. Simple. That's why he doesn't like traveling anymore. I hate traveling. You lose routine. You don't hate traveling. You were going to go to Brazil for one day.

Not because I like traveling. It's because I love the moist waters. Oh, because you don't like Brazil. You heard it here first. Ludwig hates Brazilians. And you know who doesn't hate Brazilians is Dia. Well, we don't know that.

We're not positive, but we can find out because two days after this airs, we're going to premiere his comedy special on our channel live. We made it. We made it. He did the hard part, and we made it. We made it. He did all the hard part

and we made it with our money and our eyes and our brains. And our butts too. And our butts. Our butts were in there getting all fucking gross. So hey, two days. Come back to this channel. We're gonna live premiere the comedy special. It's Dia, man. Thanks for coming on. Hope you enjoy it.

Thanks for having me. Do you have a social you shout out? Do you have anything you want to say or shout out? It doesn't have to be your social. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for having me. Yeah. Do you have a social you shout out? Do you have anything you want to say or shout out? It doesn't have to be your social. Just whatever you want. It's your moment. Yeah. I guess my Twitter.

You say your... Okay. What a ringing endorsement. It is funny. I must be the first person where if you Google me, my LinkedIn comes up first. I'm so like the first LinkedIn. You should try to be the biggest comedian on LinkedIn. That'd be devastating if I put all this effort into this thing and only my LinkedIn

goes viral. Like none of the other parts of my career. You would crush at all the corporate events. That's what I'm saying. You could become a corporate comedian like that one guy and I'm sure that wouldn't feel bad. Yeah, I'm gonna get some pouches. Let's get some yonder pouches.

Some pouches. I'll get your phones and pouches. Are you going to the University of Chicago? Northwestern. Okay, that's impressive. It's a good college. Is it? It's a very good college.

What's their mascot? Go Bears. Wild cats. Go cats. Go cats, bitch. Just the cats? Oh, it's like High School Musical. Yeah.

Is that in Chicago? No. It's not. Do you know Zac Efron? No. Hey, for the audio listeners, what's your Twitter? Because they're not seeing on screen dia comedy i'll think look i was gonna be a little scared if it was dia bass right

they're like there's probably 30 different ways oh yeah you did onions remember when you'd send me onion stuff yeah that's my claim to fame did i not ask you in this if you still write for the onion so actually i'm just inactive as of like two weeks ago they have like a raw active roster so now i don't really do it anymore. Sexually inactive on The Onion. Dia would send me Onion headlines and I'd give him my critique. And I was at my old job and just like fucking off. And I was like, we're building something.

And I got it. I mean, this is for my submission packets. And then. Yeah, he was telling me how it works. You have to submit 25 headlines. Yeah. It's kind of crazy because he said they only pick one person. And there's five like runner-ups

who get, what is it? How do they work again? Like trials to become contributors. So there's people who work in person but then there's contributors

like what I was doing where you just pitch headlines weekly. Oh wow. So then they always have like trials for that. Do you write the article too? No.

Articles are only written in staff. That's so funny. But the headline is always written first. Oh wow. It's kind of a fun job to be someone who like,

it's probably more fun to be just a headline person but the person who like gets a headline on their desk in the morning, it's like write an article. Oh, it's so much easier. The word it's, it's all done for you.

Right. Well, thanks for coming on, bud. We love you so much and hope you guys enjoy the show. Hope you guys enjoyed Dia, Dia Bears. Um,

Ludwig is, you know, we are all proud of you, man. Thanks. No, I'm really, no, I was talking to Ludwig. Why would know, we are all proud of you, man. Thanks. No, I'm really... What'd you say? No, I was talking to Ludwig.

Why would you do that to him? No, I was, yeah, sorry. We're all proud of you too, man. Thank you. We're all proud of you, bro. And we'll see you in the Patreon episode, which comes out on Patreon. We won't see you.

No Brazilians allowed. Brazilians are totally fine. Not a single one. We're not going to Brazil anymore. I don't want to hear shit. Don't bring it up like that, asshole. Goodbye, everyone. You deserve that, and we'll tell you why.

Get us out. Goodbye, everyone.