The Yewneek Pod - Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen return to JRE! And Bryan's new comedy special!

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

Taco bell beats authentic Mexican. Which cheese is best? Swiss stinnnnks! Disney cruise talk and why driving to New York stinnnks. Brendan Schaub's and Bryan Callen join Joe Rogans fight companion. Reacting to Bryan callen's new comedy special on youtube! Does it stinnnnk? Is it as bad as gringo papi??!!

That rocks I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah I'm gonna win, yeah, we're taking over My name is Green Friend New York Don't know where I am Where I'm at Don't know where and yet we're Don't know where and yet we're Taking over heaven We ready to get hot Don't know where I'm at, yeah, where I'm at Don't know where I'm at, yeah, where I'm at Go now we are in jail, we are Go now we are in jail, we are Go now we are in jail, we are I don't know. I love bacon and I love cheeseburgers. I don't like bacon and cheeseburgers. It's too much. It's too much. It's too much. I don't like the taste of. I just wanna like pizza. I like it.

I like the one they do with the ham. I don't know. With the ham sauce on it. I don't know. I love you. If you can name it, there's a guy who's fucked it. Oh, yeah. Blenders. Guys have fucked blenders. Guy fucking a snake.

Yeah, I know, right? Guy who fucked tables. The snake pussy. Chairs. He's got a big anaconda. There was a problem there. Fix it. Fix it. Okay, I'm sorry I even said it. I'm there. Fix it. Fix it.

Okay, I'm sorry I even said it. I'm sorry I said it. I don't know what they do with the ham. Oh yeah, I was talking to people who are kind of right next to me and I can kind of hear them as they're talking, watching a movie. But yeah, they are too much.

It's too much. It's too, too much. It's too much. It's too, too much. Not too much, a much too much. How was your Saturday? Not that many wins and not that many crown victories. If you followed me for any length of time, you would know that today is a day that I hate it's a day I hate an infamously hateable day oh but we got shit to play and watch.

What's with my intro with Joe and the other comedian? You mean Ron White? And Bard Bloom? My God, sir. Catch up, RC. You're not even fucking RC Cola, God damn it. But but yes it was Saturday and I had to do family time

you know I hate it but I had to do it today I'm like fucking Goku. I was like, nigga, Goku doesn't work. He doesn't spend time with his family. He's too busy being Goku. Chi-Chi handle it. Yes, Grandpa Munster got it. yeah you want to see more of the mother-in-law extra lit are we are you by the way, if you donate $25 through Streamlabs, you become an instant moderator and have power.

And that's the way we get extra lit. If we get $25 Streamlabs donations. Do I ever eat authentic Mexican food by real Mexicans? I have and it stinks. Taco Bell is way better than any authentic Mexican food.

Sorry. I'm Kakarot. Authentic Mexican food fucking stinks. You know, authentic Mexican food, they don't even use cheese, right? They don't even use cheese. That's the great thing about America.

We took their shit food and we made it better. Same thing we did with Italian. Same thing we do with everything. You had a good basis, but we're America. We'll make it better. You sweat? Ew.

So the fight companion was real stupid they use flour tortillas instead of corn I don't care about the tortillas I care about the meat they use and they don't use cheese I like the rice but I don't even know what the Mexicans

it's just called Spanish rice. Any spit can claim it. Colombians, Puerto Ricans, Mexicans. They use Broken Dreams. Not the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I ain't fat and big-boonded. They put cut, cut, cut,

cottage cheese? Even that's dumb. There's only one good cheese, two good cheeses. American cheese. Although I asked my boy, uh, in America, it's called, you go to a deli, and you get a pound of American cheese, I was like, what do they call it in Canada, they can't call it American cheese, he had no idea what the fuck I was talking about, so I was like, did they call it regular cheese? I never got an answer. But in America, we call it American cheese, which is the best cheese.

But I kind of like Monterey Jack. Kind of do some Pepper Jack. Swiss Stinks. Every other... But when you get into like nachos, that's a different kind. Like there's no slices of nacho cheese or anything. An empanada. Did you just call me a Colombian Jew? That's one hell of a Jew.

You call it government cheese? Monster. Gouda cheese? No, when I go to the deli, I get usually two pounds of American cheese provolone I like American cheese I remember one time I got the hook up

on a whole sleeve of um Burger King American cheese slices and I put them on my regular burgers I was grilling. It was great. It's yellow cheese. But not the yellow cheese you buy at the supermarket.

It was that Burger King yellow cheese. Curiosity. curiosity swiss cheese is fucking disgusting i don't know i'm wait i don't know how the fuck anyone eats that shit i i the swiss cheese thing escapes me. How anyone like, I think I've tasted it once on accident and almost threw up. You're allergic to cheese? Well, then you're probably allergic to all dairy, right? I mean, if you're a lactoseose intolerant I'm pretty sure you can still have cheese so if you're allergic to cheese

you're probably allergic to all dairy. No no no I'm not talking about the Swiss cheese as whole so I'm talking about they slice out Swiss cheese too. And I had that. Someone snuck on a slice of Swiss cheese on a sandwich or a burger I had. And I said, eee.

Swiss cheese tastes disgusting. Exactly, CuriosityL. Before we get into the Rogan-Shob thing, what you were going to get into, you just called a nigga a poindexter. God damn. Did I get it? It was awkward.

I think it was also awkward. Because it was on a nobody fight card. I guess. Maybe people do care about it. I don't care. Processed cheese slices. No, I get my shit from the deli. Always go to the deli for your cheese.

You gots to go to the deli. This video though. I want to show you real quick. It's a new campaign ad put up by a pack or something. Well, yes, they are present. This fucking ad was kind of incredible. This ad is incredible. For nearly 30 years, crime was falling in the United States. No more.

The national murder rate is at its highest in 25 years. The result of far-left policies that leave innocent Americans at the mercy of violent criminals. You've seen the images. Subway riders pushed down to tracks by the violently deranged. Stores being looted in broad daylight. Elderly women viciously beaten on the street and outside their homes. Gang shootings turning cities into war zones. Hardened criminals rampaging without fear.

No fear of arrest. No fear of prosecution. No fear of jail. No fear of any consequence at all. Instead, you are made to live in fear. Woke progressive prosecutors are releasing dangerous predators before trial. Woke far-left politicians have allowed our streets and parks to be overrun with crime and drugs. Police have been made into the enemy and criminals into a protected class. Violent crime is up 21% in Washington, D.C., 35% in Chicago% Chicago 41% New York City and murders are up 207 percent in Portland cities and chaos billions in property damages lives families destroyed stop the woke

war on police stop the far far left assault on public safety. Stop the radical left-wing love affair with criminals. Stop the insanity. Citizens for Sanity paid for this ad. Nigga, this should be the trailer for the next Purge movie. Holy shit! Let me like and retweet that, by the way. That's a dope ad.

I don't know if they'll play that on TV. Maybe. Look at this video. Follow me on Twitter. At JoeyRotic1. I just retweeted it. So there you go Dash. That was a lit fucking. Holy shit.

Visit New York this autumn? Why? I might ultimately have to go to New York. No, she didn't slap me around today. Even though today was her birthday. Um. I so desperately. Want to do this Disney cruise for some

fucking reason they won't go out of Boston. It makes no sense to me why they won't. It boggles my mind they only do out of New York. I might ultimately one day have to travel to New York just to do that goddamn

cruise. And I want to do that cruise. Cruises are for... Are they? No. Well, I love cruises dads will never fly I don't know she's never flown

nor will ever plus I wouldn't want to take my young kids on a flight dealing with that cruise is the perfect thing but yeah I don't have to go to a six-hour drive to New York. Why don't they do out of Boston?

The Disney thing. I don't get it. They do other cruises out of there. But I want to do the Disney one. Why not out of Boston? No, no, no. If I go there, I'll be there for 10 minutes just to hop on the goddamn cruise. Can I take a train?

Probably. You know, I probably could. But, then again, we get into the problems of I doubt she'll take a train too I'm only convincing her about a cruise by the way

that it's so big you won't even realize you're even on a cruise or on a ship because it's so big you can't tell the difference. You're out to sea. I got the gout. Do I?

Oh he sold nothing. Of his tiger piss shit. She'll take a train all day. She probably would. Yeah I know planes are more safe than cars. I would rather take a plane. I've flown

a shitload of times. Oh, yeah, yeah, that dude come over and serve me. That sick boy served me, and that leads into the Brendan Shaw, Andrew Rogan thing we're about to play.

Can I swim? I was in the Navy. What do you think? I was in the Navy Dummy what do you think Now one of the things you literally have to do Is swim across The Olympic sized swimming pool In a certain time

In boot camp And I crushed that time. That was the easiest thing about boot camp. The swimming. The swimming was the easy thing about boot camp. Literally the easiest thing was the swimming. I grew up with pools.

So, yeah. Was it a big game? No. They hired a local guy to do it. so yeah no they hired a local guy to do it now I was honorably discharged I got out after my four years and I used my GI Bill to go to UMass.

You dumb fuck. Unfortunately, when I was in the military, we just did this thing called Invade Iraq. So I wasn't in the military during Pete's time. I literally joined right as we invaded. You massive dog shit. I only went for a year and then I got locked up and put in jail. But of course I would stream from the cruise.

I don't do bars. You're from Connecticut? Well, I'm from Rhode Island. What did you study? I didn't even pick a major. I only went for a year. I was at ABH3. I was at EBH3. I was a petty officer.

Yellow jacket on the flight deck. You went to Brown. Oh, Wi-Fi bars. His wife... Well, his new girlfriend that pussy I remember trying to talk to Pat Dixon he stunk he studied soap beating in a sock

I'm gonna play it stop asking me questions you weirdos my lady friend is a cunt? Who's my lady friend? You were in Providence the other day? I'm in Providence now. And I don't like it. I prefer Pawtucket to Providence the other day? I'm in Providence now, and I don't like it. I prefer Pawtucket to Providence, but...

You look nervous, Kevin. Look at this. Huh? You're nervous. Wait, is this fight tonight? God damn it. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, that's the Galena fan.

I hate you. How about that? Oh my god, you're such a dork. I thought this... Somebody told me this card was trash. Now I'm looking at it who told you it was exciting you who the are you talking to why would you listen to them before you do this maybe i haven't done this in so many years and you didn't even prepare for a second nothing no i'm excited to be i can i know this fight you've been accused of rape and I can't be friends with you anymore. I'm doing this

Please Let me educate count on this by car yeah, why would you take some energy? Just so you know it's UFC parents the first time you see has ever been to Pairs. The main event is Cyril Ghosn, who's from Pairs. And Taito Avasa. Taito Avasa, who's been on a 5-5 win streak. Yes. And then the co-main event, so whatever friend you have. Sideshow Bob was on a streak.

Is that what he said? I don't even know who it was who said it. All right, so the co-main event's Whitaker and Marvin Vittoria. I'm very excited about that. Fantastic fight. I got Whitaker for that. Why are you lying? You don't give a fuck about that.

You've got to look at your phone while that's going on. You don't know. I got into fights way more than you guys do during fucking fight campaigns. How dare you? I get caught up in them. How weird is that statement? By the way, that's a certified, that's a fact. You guys are talking about jiu-jitsu grips and I'm lost in the fight.

Give me your fucking glass so I can pour you some Tiger Thick. It's very good. He got their eye bag surgery because of his eye bags. Whiskey with the worst fucking name ever. Oh, how dare you. It's a bad name, but the whiskey's... Rogan already shit and I'm Your phone while that's going no

Way more than you guys do during fucking fight. How do I get caught up in them? That's a certified that's a fact you guys are talking about jiu-jitsu grips, and I'm lost in the fight. Give me your fucking glass so I can pour you some Tiger Thick. It's very good whiskey with the worst fucking name ever. Oh, how dare you. It's a bad name, but the whiskey's very fucking good. What's the name? Tiger Thick.

It's bourbon and Japanese whiskey mixed. But it's legit whiskey. It's very good. It's very good. I'm already getting the heebie-jeebies. I know a lot. japanese whiskey mixed but it's legit whiskey it's very just it comes it's very good i'm ready i know a lot yeah we're all getting into heebie jeebies people that have like the alcohol brand yeah but it's not legit this is very legit yeah are we all here cheers boys the crew is back hey it's been forever holy yeah what about four years

well the pandemic and it's like we didn't do one but it was hard because like we'd have to get one that wasn't working right so i work all the north american ones and you're in austin doing it that much yeah and i'm here now and then tour dates So it's like everyone has to be in one. You're not working. The last time all four of us were together is 1987. Tiger Blood. 1987. Last time, boys. Good to see you guys. I just got pubes.

It was sometime in 2020. For sure. No, I don't think so, Eddie. No way. I'm not shocked. Yeah, yeah. Eddie's looking kind of horrible, too. Yeah, for sure.

The four of us. We did one during the pandemic. Is that going to happen to me? I'm 37. I'm 37. Am I going to get bags under my eyelids? Callan blew the whistle and started everything.

That's right. You blew the Aztec death whistle. Yes. And then you were accused of rape. Callan blew that whistle. Accused of rape. Everything fell apart.

My God. That's what happened. Shit. Dude. You caused all this. I apologize to everybody. I got that thing tucked away in a box. I'm not superstitious about many things, but that Aztec death whistle, after he blew that

and the whole world fell apart. Everything went to shit. Maybe that's not good, because that was a real one. That's a real one from Mexico. That's a real one? Oh, yeah. Well, you could have told me that. Ed Calderon brought me that back from fucking Mexico. That's a legitimate Aztec there. I was bored. I was like, ah, we're doing this

I'm gonna go life is great. Here it is. Well, don't even play it. Sure, bro. You believe that See that's bad Well, it's good luck for Rogan. That's not for you. That sounds like you're blowing his... That sounds like... You ever seen this one? Just... Yeah. Whatever. Apparently, the Aztecs...

That was only my second time. Wait, which way is it? This way? That way, yeah, yeah. I think you gotta cut this. So they would... The Aztecs, when they were taunting the enemy, they would do that on the hillside. Like, while they were camped out and sleeping so they would the aztecs when they were taunting the enemy they would do

that on the hillside like while they were camped out sleeping they would keep them up all night psychologically with them jesus christ thousands of time blowing that death whistle death's coming it sounds like someone he's already yeah and very bad okay and then he goes not this doesn't seem very small all right what is. All right. What is the first fight here? What is the first fight here? Oh, Wonderboy. Just kidding. That's a very muscular Wonderboy. Yeah, it is. Who's this gentleman? What do we got here? Probably from some Eastern European country. Let's put up the actual card.

There's a lot of French guys on the other street. A lot of Canadians, a lot of French. Oh, the French. A lot of Canadians, because they speak French. So here's the card. It's prelims. So you got... Oh, Alessio Di Chirico. Nathaniel Wood and Charles Jourdain. Okay, this is a good fight. Anybody with a Russian name, he's winning. So we can just move on from there. Interesting. That's not true. That's not true. Okay, if he has a chin strap beard and he's from Dagestan. I mean.

Could be a problem. Not a bad bat. Yeah, not a bad bat. I like that Chinese looking Russian, Shavkat. Oh, Shavkat Rakhmanov. Oh, my motherfucking. He's the most under the radar guy ever. He's the most under the radar guy ever because everybody's avoiding him.

And he doesn't have a big name yet, but he should. Dude, he well. Wonder Boy's like, no thanks. Yeah. No bueno. Yeah, that guy scares the fuck. He's a solid wrestler and a solid striker, too. He's got a wicked spinning back kick.

Yes. Yeah. He's throwing all sorts of shit. All those Dagestan guys can do everything, man. Is he from Dagestan? Oh, no, he's not. No, no, he's not. He did have a big.

No, my fault. No, he's not. He's from another country. Well, it's like Chechnya, Dagestan, Russia. he's not. He did have a big... No, my fault. No, he's not. He's from another country. Well, it's like Chechnya, Dagestan, Russia. Turkmenistan. It's one of them. Kazakhstan. If he has Asian features...

Hard, hard part of the world. Hard people. The hardest. The hardest. Well, the Asian features, like in Kazakhstan and stuff, that's where Genghis Khan rolled through heavy. His fucking DNA is and what is it like 5% of all the people go there yep that's why they're tall though

and Asian there they grow up wanting to fight and destroy people here we want to play basketball there they know there's a legitimate path now unbelievable wealth yeah like for their people like imagine if you're like I could be and then I see someone comes along to the wrestling did as a kid you go to America fuck everybody up no no but also if you went we do have clips to play from this by the way so I want to get into the specific clips. So, um... Yeah. Here's a good one, though. By the way, that live stream is unlisted.

So, this is the odd thing. He did that with them. Live. And then unlisted it so like when you go on the powerful JRE channel that won't pop up which is kind of

odd they're talking about Andrew Tate and I got one oh wait you know what I had to oh sorry before we get into more of that Brian Callen dropped his special on YouTube.

We have to check this out. I mean... We watched Gringo Poppy when it dropped. We gotta watch this. I imagine it can't be worse New rule. You can't call it a special if it's done at a club and nobody's niggas dropping specials done at class it's not a special unless it's done in a theater sorry Brea, what's up? You came out in force.

This is amazing. Brea, God, what a wild place, huh? You know what I mean? What do you say about Brea? Like, Miami's like, you know? Brea's like, we drive the speed limit, motherfucker! You know? Yeah!

Yeah! I have two stools. Oh, night keeps getting better. Two stools. I could strike it, but I'm not gonna. I'll be the first special with two stools in case I gotta tame two lions at the same time. So, I'm getting older, you guys. Come on, I'm crazy, I'm 30.

I know, I moved that way, but I'm 55. Oh my God. Like, you know when I knew I was getting old was when I lost, like I lost my angle, you know? I was taking a selfie. You know how you always have a good angle where you're like, that's it, every time. No matter what my angle, you know? I was taking a selfie, you know how you always have a good angle where you're like, that's it, every time? No matter what, bang, you know?

And you get older and you're like, huh, why not? Damn it, you know, like, I don't know. You get my buddies in my age, and he's on a dating app. You can't pose, when you're in your 50s, dude, don't try to be sexy, the fuck, you can't, it's a bummer app you can't pose when you're in your 50s dude it's don't try to be sexy the fucking you can't it's a bummer you can't like right you can't twist you can't lean again by the way this is where bernard shaw got all his physical comedy from and brian callan stinks at it too just a pole and look lost at least b Brian Callen knows how to work a live crowd,

unlike Brendan Schaub. This is fucking terrible. This is fucking horrendous. And we're going to watch this, and we're going to make you suffer through it. Sorry. No. We're watching this. Sorry. Deal with it, faggot. By the way, I think a laugh track is in work.

The beach in Miami. I'm hearing more laughter than could be had by the 300 people in this club. As a grown man, you know, in your 50s, you can't even be neutral. You can't just stand in public because you look like you're just... I was like, I was on The Beast, and I realized I was the dude in his 50s in just shorts, and everybody was so beautiful, and I was like... Right?

You're just already guilty. Oh, he's using a laugh track. And then I tried to smile to not look threatening. Look at how, watch this. But this was a weird thing. Oh, he's using a laugh track. Audience responses. They're not laughing.

But wasn't it the guffaw? Oh, Cal used a laugh track. You know, being a dude or whatever. I'll give you some sneaky insight. Mark Norman, what was it, two years ago, dropped his special. And he used a laugh track. He didn't need to, but he did. Mark Norman did use a laugh track.

And admitted it? Like, I saw the best-looking guy I've ever seen in my life recently. I was at the beach. I'm a straight man, but... This guy was... I've never seen anybody that good-looking in my... I guess he identified as black, but he was like a golden caramel, you know?

You know those... Like, you don't know where they're from, right? They're just, you ask them where they're from, they're like, I'm from the mountains, you know? Like, right? You know, they dance, you know? It's like, what do you do? I dance, you know? Like, what the fuck? And I couldn't take my eyes off him.

The guy gets out. The only way to describe his body, he had... You have to make sound effects. It just... And I work out too. I'm a proud man. But if I took my shirt off, I promise you wouldn't be like... you know, my sound effect is like,

which is the sound you make for a Honda, you know? How did that club do a theater around? This is terrible, but not as bad as Mingle Poppy. It's a good car. So, these are the things you think about. And here's the other thing about being a straight man. I didn't want to have sex with him. I just want to...

No, but if I had to rub him down in oil... You know what I mean? Like, in front of my friends, I'd be like, this is bullshit, you know? But, like, behind my face, I'd be like... Right?

Yeah. Good, okay. So, you got that out of the way. Well, you see that? You heard a lot of laughter. They showed a shot at audience and I was laughing. They're looking up. He's using a laugh track which is fucking sad. This is what I think. I feel like you start to come to terms with the fact that you're a little bit of a stranger in a strange land. Like I can't keep up.

Everything is changing too. Like I get my daughter is 14 and she corrects me i thought midget was the scientific term okay i know i know and then i don't like gender fluid that's not my generation i was thinking about how strong those lines were for me as a dude. I'm very insecure about that. My girl wanted me to run an errand. And she goes, take my bike. And I was going to take her bike, but her bike, it's a good bike, but it has a basket on the front of it. I know.

And I was like, I'm going to walk, you know? I know. And she goes, don't be ridiculous. And I was like, unless you have a cobra for that basket. I know she goes don't be ridiculous and I was like unless you have a Cobra for that basket I know I see it before I see your audience three head wounds and laughter what's this thing he's using a laugh track maybe a smart strategy I just feel like I'm a target for homophobic bandits, you know?

They're gonna tease me, I don't know. Nobody gives a shit. You know what? Nobody cares about men in their 50s. That's the other thing. I don't even care about men in their 50s. I don't. Like if there's a tragedy, like Ukraine or a plane goes down, nobody's like, did we lose any men in their 50s? Right? Men know that. Men in their 50s know that too. That's why they have to exaggerate.

I hate talking to dudes my age because they have to tell you how they're dying one body part at a time. It's so obnoxious. Every guy I know in his 50s, that's as high as I can lift my arm right there. That's as high. My shoulder's always on fire. Right now, it feels like you're sawing through it right now.

I have no joy in my life. I can't even jerk off without wincing. I run into my buddy. I hadn't seen him in a long time in New York. And the guy, already dramatic, I go, I didn't recognize you. He goes, yeah, I know. I look like shit now.

I was like, how you doing? He goes, ah, my didn't recognize you. He goes, yeah, I know. I look like shit now. I was like, how you doing? He goes, ah, my foot quit on me. I was like, wow. I almost want to hear, is it mixing cookie? You want the sauce on it? I almost want to hear that. What is this? My foot died.

I was like, did you go to the doctor? He said, I've been to five doctors. They all pronounced it dead. I walk around. And then there was a pause and he goes, you never realized how much you rely on your feet until you lose one. Yay, you did it! No! I'm not turning this off. We're watching Brian Cowan.

The 30 year fucking... Yeah, you know what? The world would be a lot better if you didn't have to do this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this.

I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm not turn this off. We're watching Brian Callen. The 30-year fucking... Yeah, you know what? The world would be a lot different if men could cry. It would, dude.

It would. It'd be a lot different. It'd be just... I fucking... I would love that. I would love just once. Seriously. I would love to be able to just burst into fucking tears.

Like, you know, I'm so tired of being so strong and brave all the time. Seriously, I just would love once to be like, I don't fucking know. Right? But we can.

Men can. We can't even talk about our feelings. I have nobody to talk to. That's not how we relate to each other. Guys don't want to hear. I cannot. We can't even talk about our feelings. I have nobody to talk to. That's not how we relate to each other. Guys don't want to hear. I cannot. I've never, ever looked at a friend and been like, what's going on here? I tried.

I tried. I'm getting older. I was like, I'm going to try to, let me try to kick this revolution off single-handed. And I was like, I'm just going to start opening up to my friends. I'm going to just start talking about my feelings one of my best friends called me and he goes what's going on and I was like well I'm sad he was like well you got the wrong number Joe Rogan, that's so... By these standards, you can step on a stage,

do open mic comedy, and just say the word poop. If you just say open mic comedy, you just step on the stage and say, poop! You're destroyed. According to these fake standards, you think they're doing for themselves.

Wow. Oh, man. Women, you guys, say what you will about gender parity. You guys have that market cornered. You guys can cry over anything, huh? You can't, you cry over nothing. I've seen that I've seen it I've walked in the room I've been like what's wrong I don't know I'm just

having a day I guess we're going shopping huh I thought about this stuff any you kind of a person's job I wrote this stuff cuz I was my buddy cried in front of me man And I he just started crying like I didn't and it was weird cuz I didn't know what to do with my face It's a little bit like when somebody sings if you're at somebody You're have somebody look at you and go. Yeah You know Because I always thought the rule was you had to cover your face when a man cries. This might end up worse than Gringo Poppy.

Only because this nigga doesn't have one particular bit I can even shit on. This might be worse than Gringo Poppy, to be honest with you. Cause I, you're so old and mad and have no bits or anything, or any jokes, or any schemes, or plot line. Or stories, zero stories. Uh, let me explain how stand-up comedy works. The goal of doing stand-up comedy in this day and age is you have to be able to tell a story

and work your jokes. It's not like the 80s and the 90s where you tell jokes. In today's, in the best form of stand-up comedy, you tell a story and work your jokes in that story and then with the punchline at the end of the story. That guy has no stories, he's doing one-offs. What is this comedy? Please, you have to, unless you're on horseback

looking over your conquered lands and swearing an oath of vengeance, then you're allowed one tear. One. They will pay, my son, they will pay. We will return with an army and take back what is ours. Dry your eyes, we ride, and you're just fucking, yeah! I know. But it was crazy because he was crying, and I didn't know what to do. I'm a fixer.

Don't give me a problem I can't solve, because I try to fix everything. I know nothing about cars. I know less than nothing. But if you're on the side of the road with your... You're probably going to get it solved. You're accused of rape. There you go. The probably you didn't solve there you go dummy put up i'll make suggestions i will dude i if you have a headache never had one day in medical school i become a doctor

immediately you got a headache i'm like what's going on you're definitely dehydrated check your pee i promise it's yellow. It's not yellow. It's white. Have you been on a trampoline in the past 24 hours? But anyway, my buddy started, he was just crying and I didn't know what to do and I had nothing to say. And so I struck him. No, I know, I think that's the rule.

I had to snap him out of it. I'm not gonna, what do you want me to do? Hold him against my chest? Get his man tears on my shirt? Ew, you know? I don't know what it is. Men, I don't know why. I have these theories on why men can't cry in front of each other.

I think, I'm not an anthropologist. No way, really? But this is my theory on why men don't cry in front of each other. Because when men meet each other, if you take away all the protocol and all the fluff, it's like, how you doing? What's going on? You know, it's all that, yeah. But there's only one question in the room.

There's only truly one primary question. When two men meet... I only have one question. Some hot 20-year-old hooked up with you when your wife divorced you and you had two kids with. And you had a new baby with her, and you married her, is she the smart one? Other than your old wife,

with the two kids, and you had a new baby with your kids, at fifty fucking five, you hooked up with a twenty yearold that had a new baby. I think the new baby mama and he'll, she's like, I'm not gonna put in this nigga's will. He's gonna get left to his daddy's will.

The new baby mama was the smartest one. She was way hotter. She was 20 years younger. Yeah, it counts. And 20-year-old Belongia cooked over you. She was accused of rape.

Darkest point. Keep thinking that, Stuart. The dummy really? Yeah, so much family money, though. You know what? I respect him. He said, fuck, I'll do it anyway. He doesn't care.

He might respect Callan so much, too. He said, fuck it, I don't care. As he should. As he should. She will take him here you married him and shit. And a little bit of all other things and then, you know, I was fucking counting on you more. I didn't say, you said it's terrible.

Yeah, it is good. I like that I hang over now. Yeah, I really like, and he hung over there. He was as bad as Ron and Sean, but of course he was... I don't know. Beat each other. At the end of it, if you strip it to its bare bones, the only thing going on in each man's mind is, can I kill this motherfucker? That's it. I'm telling you. Like, if we were naked in a room, who comes out first?

That's a fact. And if I know you can get me, if I know you can crush me, how many of my friends can I actually rely on? That's what it is and I also think we we came up through millennia hunting on foot in groups with like sharp sticks that's what it is think about it like you ever try to kill a woolly mammoth with sharp sticks me neither but I promise you it's a team effort. I need everybody on point. I need everybody. I need your weight on your back foot, your chin down. I need your aggression at 11, okay? I need it, everybody's gotta man their position.

I cannot have anybody like, I miss her so much. He ran right by you, dude. It's my feeling. You gotta be ready at all times. It's fucking exhausting, man. It's exhausting. I wake up every day, today's a good day to die. I got all the answers. Fuck you. But women don't have that. Women, you guys, it's amazing how much support you guys give each other. Because if one of your friends cry, you guys form an estrogen circle around her. Right?

And you have this superpower. You have the ability to absorb pain. You can feel it. You can empathize on such a deep level that you will start crying with your friend. I've seen it. It's unbelievable. You're listening and you just go, here I go. No, I'm fine. And it works its way through your body. And then your friend catches the spirit

and she's like, here I go. I need more white wine. And it makes its way around the He said, I'm telling you a funny thing. What is he talking about? Tell a joke. And it makes its way around the circle and just runs out of steam. It's fucking, that's not how we are. We don't have that, dude. We don't have that machinery. I think the world would be very different if otherwise we, what we do is we get a, the minute we get, we feel the same shit you do. We feel the same shit when we get that little ball Is sad right here

We feel isolated depressed. We don't let that shit get to our, you know, I don't know about at all. It's just, you know. The whole is Ron Collins on the enemy, Jim Carrey. That was on Jim Carrey. And they were all around at the same time. Two auditions. Why on a mad TV? He was bigger than Jim Carrey.

Jim Carrey got put under nigger shit. I'm not gonna call you any nigger. I'll never go through it. This is the worst thing that's happened to me in my life. Well, I don't want to burn this shot. This is the live track going. He dropped a special live track and audience shots. It's better than Uncle Poppy.

It is better than that by 2%. But this is where Brendan Shaw got his stand-up from. This faggot who never made it from stand-up. Imagine trying to make him stand-up coming, dude, and never made it through.

You didn't make it through stand-up. You're a fucking rich kid who did auditions. Your stand-up did nothing. You got acting good because you're acting chops. You

did an acting audition and got off of that. Now you're stand-up or anything. Ryan Cowan, not me in any issue of horror it's sad to watch what the is happening with him right now but wants to eat my liver that's how it is i love my friends i love my friends but they're too competitive i would never cry in front of them never because i feel like i started crying i promised you front of them. Never. Because I feel like if I started crying, I promised you one of them would be like, ah, he's a bitch, let's take his stuff.

We don't do that shit. We're like magicians. The minute we get that little ball, that little sad apple, we'll take that little apple, and we turn that shit to rage. Like, I'm sad, somebody needs to fucking die.

Right? And if we don't have access to rage, we go right to humor. That's the other thing I know about myself. Like, I was doing a show and there was a young man in my front row who was blind. And he was laughing in that direction. I didn't know what was going on. I know and then I'm doing a meet and greet afterwards

like 50 people and then he comes up with his mother and he had such a good time and he was so sweet and he looks at me and he goes in front of like 50 people and he goes

you're the reason I'm here bro and I go thank you my brother I appreciate it and he goes no no man you're the reason I'm still here because when And I go, thank you, my brother. I appreciate it. And he goes, no, no, man. You're the reason I'm still here. Because when I lost my set, I was going to check out.

But your podcast, your comedy kept me going. So I wanted to come and thank you personally. And dude, I was like, ooh. I was going to cry. I was like, oh, gee. My ass, you know, you know, you go like that. I had 50 people, I cannot cry. I have a brand, I'm sorry.

And I know, and I couldn't turn her to rage. I can't punch him, you know. You know what I mean, he'd never see it coming. Don't clap at that. What a sick bunch of people. I'm just stating a fact. I know. So I made a joke.

I had to because I was going to cry. And I made a blind joke. I'm a bad person, but I just couldn't. I was going to cry and I go, Bro, why'd you have to take the front seat? That's a, you know, sit in the back next time. It makes no difference. I know. And he laughed.

No, he laughed. He did, he laughed. His mother, his mother was like, you know. It's hard. And I'm not saying you can't cry. A man can cry, but under very strict circumstances. It's hard. And I'm not saying you can't cry. A man can cry, but under very strict circumstances. It's so weird. You can cry if you won the championship.

If you got a trophy, right, and you're bleeding and you're sweating, you can cry, bro. We got you. We got you. You can cry. You can cry if you lost the championship. You can cry. That's the agony of defeat. But you had to have played. You can't be on the bench like... Right? You can cry if your dog died. Right? My buddy's dog died.

My buddy's dog died. And, uh... No, I'm not laughing at that. That's the word. No, I'm laughing because he wanted to cry, but I was there he didn't trust me

that I'll you listen and his wife just burst into tears his wife was just like meh and he and instead of crying

he just looked at her and he goes ah fuck he just made his neck thick and held it until the pain went away but I tried to help him too I was like bro you can cry He just made his neck thick and held it till the pain went away. But I tried to help him, too.

I was like, bro, you can cry. It's your dog. You're allowed to cry when your dog dies. You can't cry if your cat dies. Right? I have to draw the line somewhere. No, you can cry. I'm not, I'm not, I hate this macho shit.

Of course you can cry. If your cat died and you cry, of course cry. I'm not gonna be mean to you in the moment, but I'm never going into business with you. Because you're not stable, huh? Ugh. Well, that was a stream. I got to go. Bye. I'm out for presidents to represent me I'm out for presidents to represent me Thank you.