The Zac Clark Show - ASK ZAC EPISODE: Holiday Edition

Episode Date: November 26, 2024

On this episode of The Zac Clark Show, Zac answers your questions about navigating the highs and lows of the holidays. Whether you’re newly sober and heading home for the first time or looking for advice on how to handle tricky family dynamics, Zac has you covered. The holidays are here, and they don’t have to be hard!  Questions we covered: Blackout Wednesday – how do I tell old friends I am not drinking anymore? Do you have any tips for having my recently sober boyfriend home for the holidays?  How can I support my family member who has a drinking problem and does not want help? What are the best ways to communicate my needs to family members who may not understand or respect my sobriety? My father won’t stop drinking – we have tried to help but he won’t listen. How do I be around him and not allow my anger and resentment to come out? My spouse thinks he may be an alcoholic but does not help – how do I help him? How do I support him while also taking care of myself? I know my friend got sober and I’m seeing her for the first time – how do I handle this in a sensitive and respectful way? I am less than 90 days sober and going home for the first time. I am really nervous I will be around old situations – friends, family – and drink again. How do I stay sober? USE CODE ZAC10 to get 10% off your purchase. To learn more about FROPRO: ⁠https://gofropro.com/?srsltid=AfmBOoqNf0AZVATlaDU_r0ncf9W3lakTFpwk-sbKtHkPC6zd1CyF3tRl Happy Holidays from The Zac Clark Show! Connect with Zac https://www.instagram.com/zwclark/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/zac-c-746b96254/ https://www.tiktok.com/@zacwclark https://www.strava.com/athletes/55697553 https://twitter.com/zacwclark If you or anyone you know is struggling, please do not hesitate to contact Release: [phone] releaserecovery.com @releaserecovery

All right, so we got a special holiday, dun, dun, dun, dun, edition of the Zach Clark show. And the thing about holidays, which is so crazy to me, is that we just make them so much more dramatic than they need to be. So we put out a little flyer, we asked for your questions. We're going to get to those. Before I do, I want to just share a little bit of gratitude to start because this thing is like growing.

I didn't expect it to. I was convinced we were going to have 50 listeners and probably bag it after about 10 episodes and we didn't. You know me, keep going, keep going. We kept going and we just hired someone. So we have this team now. Shout out Sarah.

Shout out Grace. Shout out Jay. We have three people working on this thing. And they're doing an awesome job. And I'm grateful for them. And I'm looking at them as I say this and they're all awkwardly looking back at me. You guys can smile.

And, you know, they are committed. just as much as I am to just getting this message out there. We don't know where this thing's going to go, but I do believe that it has power. And, you know, it's tough because the shit we talk about here is so serious. Like I watch some of the clips sometimes and I'm just looking at it. I'm like, oh, my God, this is so serious. And then if you get into kind of some of the numbers and looking at social media,

it's like the shit that always does well, quote unquote, is a shit that's serious where I'm like saying the word, heroin or talking about a story where I was smoking crack. But, hey, anything to get a couple more eyeballs or a couple more earballs or a couple more earbal, ear drums, ear drums on this thing, we're going to do it. So hopefully you're going to notice an elevation in all that we do, in the content that we're putting out, in the messages that we're delivering. We're still committed to having really smart people on here. And today, you're a really smart person is me. That's all you get to today is me.

So we're going to have a little fun. And yeah, Thanksgiving, man. They talk about the Bermuda Triangle, right? Like when you get sober, they talk about Thanksgiving, and then you have New Year's. And in the middle of that, you got the Hanukkah kind of Christmas thing going on. So you have this triangle of dates that we mark on the calendar as Grace scratches her Jewish brother, Jay, because I mentioned Hanukkah.

We're all love here at the Zach Clark Show. And we just make it so much more dramatic than we need to, which I get because a lot of holidays are ruined by the drunk uncle or the drunk Zach or the drunk new boyfriend or the weird person that no one can get a read on. And if I say nothing else this entire episode, if you're going home for the holidays, just chill out. nothing is that dramatic nothing is that serious whether you're struggling with someone in your house that has a problem with alcohol whose mental health is struggling or your family's just a little wild and crazy welcome welcome to the reality of living in the year 2024 not to mention we're coming off this crazy election which has people all fired up and I read something the other day that I don't know a million relationships have been lost over

you know the results of the election and I get it man this stuff is serious and people are passionate and I love passion and but I don't think it's a reason to kind of like not be friends with people right like we can have an open mind and listen to each other's opinions about whatever it is the new president and and kind of come to some understanding of people have their reasons and a lot of times those reasons don't really matter to who you are because you're going to have your own thoughts and opinions on things.

So yeah, chill out. The holidays are here. You're going to get through it. You're going to have fun. You're going to laugh. You're going to eat too much food. You're going to watch football. You're going to watch cute little kids run around.

At least I am. And like, you can put the phone down and just kind of be present, which is a beautiful thing. No one, you know, there's nothing to see on Thanksgiving. So anyway, And on a more serious note, right, like before I jump into these questions, which I was so excited to get, we were in the double digits on questions. We did get with that. And they were great questions and people were really wanting some answers.

So we're going to deliver on some of those. Before I do, though, I do want to just bring or shine a little light on a statistic I heard earlier this month, which we oftentimes reference the overdose number, which is 100,000. It's going up, it's going down. No one really knows. I think it's going down, but not by a lot. Still a win. We'll take it. But then if you throw on top of the overdose number, the deaths, alcohol-related deaths,

you get up around 250, 260,000 people that we are losing as a result of some form of substance abuse in its kind of purest form. So, you know, we throw DUI and DUI manslaughter into that. And so the numbers are not always someone who's an alcoholic, but there is some substance abuse taking effect there. And it's sad. And I think the thing that we can all agree on coming out of the election is that we do not pay enough attention to behavior, health care, specifically around substance abuse. And that is what we are going to continue to do because there is not one household in this country. That has not been affected by this thing.

I don't care what you say. If you actually think about it, this thing affects everyone. So let's get to the mailbag, the exciting Zach Clark show Mailbag, which has been organized for me. We're having Wi-Fi issues here in our office, so I'm going to read off of my phone, which I hate doing because it's distracted. So the first question here, oh, Blackout Wednesday. How do I tell old friends I am not drinking anymore? You're not going to have to tell them anything because here's the deal. At least for me, I was a, I loved Blackout Wednesday.

I loved everyone going home to the hometown bar and you go and you see people that you act like you liked in high school and you hug and what's up, dude, and you catch up. And who doesn't need alcohol to get through that honestly? I mean, like, I think back to those moments and I don't know how someone would do that sober. But the truth is, if you are going home to your hometown and going out to a bar on Wednesday night, the night before Thanksgiving, right? And you're not drinking.

And in the past, you have been a blackout drinker. If we think about this logically, your friends are going to be happy. They're going to be ecstatic. because no one really probably liked you when you were blacking out and if they did it was probably because you were a lot of fun

until you weren't right so your real friends the people that really love you the people that really care about you are not going to judge you they're going to support you they're going to tell you how proud of you they are and if you're anything like me look man

I could tell you a story about every you know Wednesday day before Thanksgiving. And it was just like anyone else's story who had issues, drinking and driving, you know, puking out my window the night before Thanksgiving, like, whatever it was. It was always just gross and gnarly. And there was definitely some blackout. So kudos to you, if you're going home sober for the first time. Kudos to you. If you are nervous about how you're going to be received by your friends, it doesn't hurt to give them a heads up ahead of time. get a couple, two, three, four allies, right, that you can reach out to

prior to going home and just say, be honest with them, right? Like one of the things we get in sobriety is that we can be honest. So it's like, hey, Vicky, I'm coming home for the first time and I just wanted to let you know that I'm not drinking. And that's really powerful. And when you start to enroll them in your sobriety and enroll them in your journey, you are going to quickly find that you have more support out there than you actually realize. and I'm sure once you do that

you're going to find other people identify with you and then look you have people in your circle outside of the friends from home that hopefully know you're sober or have been supporting you people that you've met along your recovery journey have their phone numbers with you and here's the kicker

this is the greatest piece that I didn't realize is you don't have to do anything you don't want to do so if you're out at a bar at 10 o'clock on blackout Wednesday and the blackouts are settling in, leave. Just leave. Get in your car, drive home. It's a novel thought, but you don't have to be anything to anyone.

It's not that dramatic. You're going to see people. If they are drinking, you're probably going to be a little turned off by it and recognize like, oh, God, thank God, I'm sober because these people look like they're not having a good time or they look like, I don't know how I want to say this. they just look how they look. I'm going to leave it there in case you are going out Wednesday night

and listening to this and going to drink. But yeah, blackout Wednesday is definitely a thing and you can tell your friends, what's up. Okay, second question here from the mailbag. This is good. I like this. Do you have any tips for having my recently sober boyfriend home for the holidays?

Cook without Alpha. Cook? English, please, Zach. Cook without alcohol, any other tips. So I don't know how many dishes are made on Thanksgiving with alcohol. I feel like that's more of a penny-a-vodka thing or a pasta thing. However, I don't particularly eat foods that have alcohol in them, and that's just a personal preference.

I get it. It's cooked off, the tiramisu, the pasta, whatever it is. I just, I've never felt it necessary to have food that is cooked with alcohol. So if you were going to cook with alcohol, that's a nice thing that you can do for your boyfriend and not cook with alcohol. Just there's plenty of other dishes that you can make. And then other than that, like you're bringing this guy home, right? Obviously, you care about him. Obviously, you are attracted to his sobriety.

Obviously, it's something you're very proud of. I wouldn't spend too much time greasing the family. calling home and making it this big production, the most important conversation that you're going to have prior to bringing this person home is with that person, right? And what do we know about relationships? Communication is number one, number two, and number three. If you guys communicate about it and he has communicated to you, his needs for this trip home, your job is just to honor that. So if he says to you, hey, I don't really feel comfortable being around drinking, you need to be prepared to not be around drinking. And that means if your family

has a cocktail-laced Thanksgiving, you might not be able to show up for that if this relationship is important to you. If he says to you on the other hand, hey, I'm secure in my sobriety. I've ruined enough thanksgivings with my drunkenness. I'm not here to tell anyone else how to act. I'm very comfortable walking into this home with your family. Then honor that, right? It's all about communication. And if you ask 10 people, there's going to be 10 different experiences. It's a beautiful thing. You're bringing this person home. They're sober. They're making a change in their life. Just make sure to support that. Don't make them feel like a child. Don't make them feel like a baby. Don't feel the need to

check in every three minutes. That's just going to cause resentment. Once the decision is made, go and have a good time. Go and have fun. So boyfriends, girlfriends, taking them home, sober, have the conversation. Okay. How can I support my family member who has a drinking problem and does not want help? So that's a pretty broad question. And I don't think we really.

know if the person wants help until we are willing to have that conversation with them. My experience doing interventions and working with families over my 13 years in this field is that oftentimes we miss one of the key steps, which is just having an open and honest conversation with that person. And if you've done that and nothing has changed and they've gone to treatment or they've resisted help, then the most important person to start working on is yourself. Understanding that in this battle, in this fight, you actually have very little power is one of the greatest things that I can tell you.

You are not going to get anyone drunk and you are certainly not going to get anyone sober. Once you are equipped with that knowledge and you start to do. your own therapy and start to do your own work, it cuts the emotion in half. Of course you love this person. Of course you would like to see them stop drinking. But if you have made every effort to do what you can to help them stop, the hope is that the family or the system around this person can really start to change, that the identified patient or the person we're talking about sees that and then hopefully is inspired and goes out

and maybe thinks about this behavior and how it's affecting their lives. Obviously, if the person's life is in danger or it is completely chaotic, I always, always advocate for hiring a professional. You can call us at Release Recovery. Shameless plug. You can DM us at the show. You can reach out for help and we can talk to you about the specifics of what's going on. And just remember, like, no two cases are the same.

This is not cancer. This is not heart disease. Alcoholism and mental health presents itself in a variety of different ways. And once we kind of understand that, we're able to better kind of address whatever it is. that is going on. All right, legendary. Today's podcast is brought to you by Fro Pro Snack Bar, the ultimate on-the-go snack.

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And by the way, like supporting your family member, like support your family member how you would support them. You can love them, you can say it's great to see them, but you can also have boundaries and remove yourself from that dialogue or that conversation or that situation at any time. what are some and this person was very adamant capitalized practical strategies so we're not going down in the therapy rabbit hole we're not doing dbt here what are some practical strategies for staying sober at social gatherings where alcohol is present the best thing that someone told

me when i got sober and i was going out is that everyone in that room is thinking about themselves. The pressure that you put on yourself walking into a room or a social gathering sober is an inside job. That is strictly coming from within. So if you're looking for really practical strategies, I would remind yourself of that before you walk into that room. No one is thinking about you.

Newsflash. It might feel like it because this is a new, state. Sobriety is a new state for you, but no one is thinking about you. And then when you get in the room, my go-to drink order is a club soda and lime. The lime adds a little bit of confusion. You know, maybe they think some vodka's in there. If you're really worried about what people are thinking is in your cup, but in my 13 years, I can tell you on my one hand how many times people have asked what is in my cup and then genuinely had any other reaction than oh they don't care people don't care the only people that genuinely care if you're not

drinking are the other alcoholics in the room because they want someone else to co-sign their bullshit so that's number two so remember no one's thinking about you two club soda and lime and three going back to what i shared earlier you can leave whenever you want If you're uncomfortable, if you're just not feeling it, be proud of yourself for showing up. That's a big deal. And it's an even bigger deal to not succumb to the peer pressure, to the voice in your head, show up to a social gathering, leave when you want to leave, and wake up the next day sober. Right?

That's the goal. So that's my three practical strategies for saying sober at social gatherings. And then once you do that more and more and more and more, like once or twice and you get this positive reinforcement, you're going to love socializing. A lot of my friends who are sober are the life of the party anywhere there you go. So for what it's worth. Number five, what are the best ways to communicate my needs to family members who may not understand or respect my sobriety? I think you answered your own question there. I really do.

It's, so I have a lot of thoughts about this. One, if you are sober and you are wanting other people to understand that and you are wanting other people to respect that, I would challenge you to remember that that is not like their job. that is not in some cases you've probably hurt these people in some cases they've probably seen you in some of your darkest moments in some cases they're probably got their wait and see kind of like you know kind of arms crossed are you really going to stay sober energy going and that's okay let them like let them let them feel how they want to

want to feel, you know, like I just really believe that if you communicate, if you, if you are going home and you are nervous about seeing your family, your family, your blood, the people that hopefully for better or for worse are going to support you, I would have that conversation. And what I mean when I say you answered your own question is communicate it to them. Sit them down, call them, and just say, hey, this is where I'm at. I'm sober. I'm really proud of myself.

I'm coming home for the holidays. And I'm really hoping that you can understand that and that you can. respect that by doing that it gives you the hall pass it gives you the ability to say i did my part and then if you go home and you feel like you are being disrespected or you feel like someone is not understanding your sobriety guess what most people don't most people don't understand sobriety and that's that's like not your job to make them understand it we as or myself as a drug addict and alcoholic did things for a very long time and I wanted the immediate, the instant gratification.

And it's hilarious because then I get sober and all of a sudden I want the same shit from the people in my life. Guess what? It might take years for people to understand your sobriety. It might take years for people to respect your sobriety. That's okay. That's no reason to go drink. there's no reason to go

getting some fight if you just live in acceptance and you live in this place of I am doing this because I am convinced that I can't drink safely then all the other stuff is going to work out

I had plenty of people in my life after going to rehab multiple times the last time I went I was really talking to kind of like my mom and my dad in a very kind of chaotic way. It took me probably a year

with my brother and sister, 18 months for some of my friends, and I just had to be patient. Now, 13 years later, I can tell you that most people in my life respect my sobriety, love my sobriety, understand my sobriety,

have spent enough time with me to realize Like, whoever that dude was before, like, please do not bring him back because this version of Zach is the best version that I've been introduced to. And so it's a tough thing. I get it. Like, we want to be loved. We want our cookie, right? We want our cookie as soon as we get sober. But it doesn't always happen that way.

And, you know, you're going to have to be patient. All right. Going home for the holidays can be stressful. Yes, they can. And can bring up a lot of emotions. What is a healthy mindset to have to deal with the stress of and feeling with the stress and feeling overload? So yeah, I mean, look, I think that holidays just in a very general way bring up a lot for a lot of different people. I can tell you that, you know, I'm 40 years old.

I've had a lot of holidays where I've gone home single and watched little kids. run around me and felt like I am way behind some of my friends and the other people in my life. You know, it's this weird, nostalgic opportunity where you basically get planted back in the environment where you were a child. A lot of us will return to those behaviors. We want to be loved.

We want to be hugged. You know, we want what we want when we want it. So going home for the holidays, what we don't talk about enough is I don't care how old you are. If your mother did your laundry growing up and you now are home for the holiday and you've been successfully doing your own laundry for 10 years and I am guilty of this, I am all of a sudden looking at my floor and the closure there with the expectation that mom is going to swoop through, clean up my shit and do my laundry,

which, by the way, she's going to do. So I resort right back to being this kid. The holidays can kind of do that for us. And so this stress, this overload, it brings up kind of like some of these ideals that were forced upon us as children, right? It brings up, it can bring up like a sense of failure that we aren't the person that mommy and daddy

or whoever else in our lives wanted us to be. It can bring up the my brother's more successful than me or my sister's prettier than me or why did I get dealt this hand? Like, that's what the holidays can do for us. And that shit can suck. Like, I'm not trying to take that away from anyone. And so, you know, when you ask this feeling,

you know, what is that, what is a healthy mindset to have to deal with the stress? I don't know. for me, like, I always go back to kind of like it's never as bad as it seems and it's never as good as it seems. You know, your brother and sister-in-law with three kids show up to Thanksgiving with their perfectly choreographed outfits and the holiday card that comes to your home every year on December 12th, two weeks ahead of Christmas, they fight. they battle it is not perfect and so you can look at them and you can get jealous or think that they have something that you want or you can lean into the fact that like you know we're dealt the hand we're dealt find gratitude right like a mindset for me is gratitude being grateful to be home and be with people that you know for me I like but I can get resentful

around you know the holidays really screw some people up man they really do and if you're out there and you're dreading the holidays because you don't even have your plans yet or you're going to be lonely or you haven't been invited to the friends giving that you were invited to five times in a row in this six year you didn't get invited or whatever it is you're feeling like that's okay On the opposite side of that, like the holidays can be a lot of fun. The holidays can be a shitload of fun. And if that's where you're at in your life, lean into that. You know, like lean into that.

Be the person. Like I always say, for me, when I go home for the holidays, how I deal with stress or the mindset that I take into that situation is something that I was taught in my sobriety, which is service. Which is service. The best way to eliminate the feet. the doubt, the stress, the overload that I am having in my life to get outside of my dome. And the Zach Clark Circus that's going upstairs is to be of service.

And holidays present this magnificently wonderful opportunity to be of service. Carve the turkey. Clean the turkey pan. I mean, that thing's two hours right there of scrubbing and drubbing, you know, like take the trash out get people a beverage go run out and get the gallon of milk because they ran out clean this spill up be of service so when we are of service we can't possibly think about how horrible our lives are and the truth is like it's going to be okay you know it's going to be okay um oh god oh this is a sad one okay okay my father won't stop drinking

we have tried to help, but he won't listen. How do I be around him and not allow my anger and resentment to come out? Who's telling you that you got to be around him? Who is forcing you to be around your drunk dad? Not me. Not him. As an adult,

you don't have to go anywhere or be with anyone that you don't want to be with. And two things can be true. You can love your father who is drinking and active in his alcoholism. You can love him for everything that they have done for you. And you can also say, hey, dad, I love you so much, but I can't be around you when you're drinking. And the second, you suspect that he is drinking because at this point, I'm assuming this has been years and years and years of this, you have the ability to remove yourself from that situation. And you're not doing that for any other reason than to protect yourself.

To protect yourself, man. because what's going to happen is you are going to hopefully find love and have a family. And then it's how do you? I bring my kids around my drunk dad. And that's a non-starter. That's a non-starter. And it can be hard. And if your dad doesn't want to show up at 10 a.m. or 9 a.m.

to have coffee with you or to connect in a somewhat sober way. then that's his choice other than that you kind of just make it clear to dad that like you know helps available you're ready to talk to him you're there for him whenever he is ready we know that confrontation rarely is is successful i'm talking about like really like in-your-face confrontation so i would just say like love your dad you know as we grow up and get older we learn a lot about our parents we learn a lot about our families we learn the good the bad the ugly we're all human beings right no one is perfect and if your dad has a drinking problem you know the most effective thing you can do and it goes back to one of my earlier answers is to love him understand that

you don't have to spend time with him when he is drinking do work on yourself get the support that you need, whether that's through therapy or peers who have gone through similar situations and understand that you're not going to get dad drunk and you're probably not going to get him sober. But that's a hard one and I feel for you and hopefully he finds the light. Okay, my spouse thinks he may be an alcoholic but does not help. How do I help him? How do I support him while also taking care of myself?

I always say, if you have a thought in your body at any point in your life that I might be alcoholic, that typically does not end in anything other than alcoholism. Because we are the last people to figure this shit out. We are the last. So if you're living with your spouse and he's got a family and he is finally waking up to the fact that like, holy shit, I might be an alcoholic. And he's probably an alcoholic. That's just the truth.

And if that's too simple, I apologize. That's just what I believe. We don't wake up and have a thought that, hey, I just, I think I might be an alcoholic after drinking three beers. Those thoughts usually come after a knock down, drag out bender, right? Like some serious, you know, pee in the bed, driving drunk, whatever fiasco happened the night before. and so kudos to your husband if he's acknowledging in some way that he's asking for help I would hold on to that like I would really hold on to that and tell him how proud you are of him for acknowledging this see alcohol in a romantic relationship my understanding is that

it bleeds into everything it bleeds into the finances it bleeds into the sped the sex life it bleeds into parenting it bleeds into all of it the people you hang out with and so if your husband is finally coming to a place where he's like oh i might be an alcoholic jump all over that tell him you're proud of him be ready to introduce him to a therapist or to another guy like me i'll talk to him who's been there right like that's the that's the crazy part about all this is the people that are most qualified to help alcoholics in my belief and in my experience are alcoholics who have gotten sober. So, you know, you say it's not helping, but I'm hoping by the time I'm answering this question,

maybe it is, right? And how do you support him while also taking care of yourself? the most important part of that question is taking care of yourself taking care of yourself and I'm going to beat the dead horse here but like what does that mean for a family member it means getting their own therapist

finding their own support groups being willing to the same level of work that you are expecting your loved one to do if you are walking into this situation with your spouse with your husband whoever it is and you think you're just going to get to tell him to go to rehab and that you don't have to do shit, you're delusional.

You're delusional. The work starts when the person asks for help. In some cases, we wait years for that moment. So get really quiet and ask yourself, okay, what am I willing to do to support my husband? And then go out and do it. Look up a therapist. find an Al-Anon meeting

find other support groups for family members and don't come back home you know with your like I'm better than you chest out I would almost keep this really chill energy around it when he asked you where were you at oh I was not my therapist

just like that where are you going the night oh I'm going to I'm going to my Al-Nan meeting and then you come home would you guys talk about the meeting oh it was chill there's just like I'm making some friends there and it's cool to have like some other people

to talk to about this don't use this as some like you know cornerstone to jump into you know why why they should get sober they see you doing the work but kudos to your husband

you know that's a that's a big deal it's a big deal for someone to acknowledge that the first time I acknowledged that I had a problem was a big deal. I did not get sober right away after that. Chances are you're probably not

going to see your husband get sober right away. But in the many stages of change, which we talked about with various therapists and all that stuff, like the acknowledgement is so key early on. So kudos to your husband. I hope he gets sober. I hope I meet him.

I love meeting. sober people. What can I say? I got a couple chuckles from the team here. Number nine, Grace is out of here. She's got to go, get sober.

Bye, Grace. Thanks for your help. Okay. Ninth question. We have two left, and I hope this is helpful for you guys. I know my friend got sober, and I'm seeing her for the first time.

How do I handle this in a sensitive and respectful way? Can celebrate that shit? Your friend got sober. It's not sensitive. If she's your friend and she's your homie, like give her a hug and tell her you are proud of her and let her know that whatever she needs from you to support her on this journey, you are there for her.

This question and the way it's written is so much of the issue in our country with the stigma that exists. It's not sensitive. Celebrate that shit. Your friend got sober. Clearly she needed to. I always lead with the positivity. I always lead with the high five and the hug.

If you sit down and you're like, well, I heard you got sober and I just, I really want you to know that I'm that, that I'm here to support you in any way that I can. Like, that's so heavy. Getting sober is heavy enough. All your friend needs in that moment is some love, some, some, some affirmation. information, some validation. And once she sees that from you and she sees your excitement, you guys are going to have an awesome conversation about whatever it is that you want to talk about. Right.

And if it gets heavy, it gets heavy. But lead with lightness, lead with positivity whenever someone, you know, you're meeting up with or you find out someone gets over, just like congratulate them. You don't need to figure shit out. you know like nothing you are going to say to your friend in that moment is going to cause them to go out and hammer a box of wine so just I'll leave that there all right number 10 the last question here and I hope everyone that wrote in got some level on these questions they were really good and I tried to keep it light because at the end of the day like when I answer these

questions the truth is like this stuff's all very confusing no one knows how to do it perfectly I don't have all the answers. I could say something on this podcast and you could go home and try it and it could totally blow up in your face. Guess what? That's alcoholism. Like, that's what happens

when we're dealing with people who, you know, have this thing. But, okay, I'm less than 90 days sober and going home for the first time. I am really nervous. I will be around old situations, friends, family, and drunk again. How do I stay sober?

So here's a deal. Something that someone told me early on in my sobriety is this. You can give up one Thanksgiving for the next 30. If you are genuinely concerned, and I don't know where this person lives, I don't know what it looks like for them, but if you're really concerned that you're going to go home and it might jeopardize the 90 days of sobriety that you just worked your ass off for, don't go home.

Don't go home. Go volunteer, find a couple friends to hang out with. I'm sure there's someone in your life who may or may not have. plans that you can kind of latch on to, right? Just you don't have to go home. There's no contract. If you call your family and just say, hey, I'm really uncomfortable coming home this year.

I'm just going to kick it, you know, at my apartment and watch movies all day. I love you guys. Let's FaceTime. And there is anything but love and support for that, then there's other issues that need to be worked out within your family. My hope is that they're very grateful that you're 90 days sober and they're going to support whatever decision that you make. Now, if you are going to sit there and you are a special snowflake and you have to go home

because in your mind, if you don't go home, the world is going to end, right? God forbid you miss one Thanksgiving and you're going to sit here across the table from me and tell me that you have to go home. Well, here's the deal. Like, it's all the stuff I've already talked about. You don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to be with. If, you know, you want to communicate to your family that you don't want alcohol in the house, do that.

If you don't care that there's alcohol in the house because it doesn't bother you, say that. Whatever it is that you are feeling, communicate it. You don't have to cater to what you think other people are thinking. When we get into the thinking what other people are thinking game, typically, And historically, it does not end well. Because we're not mind readers. So if you're 90 days sober, think about what you're doing to get to those 90 days, what you have practiced to get to that moment, right?

Are you going to AA meetings? Do you go to therapy? Do you have a fitness class that has helped you stay sober? Whatever it is, right? Everyone gets sober in different ways. Make sure you have some of that lined up when you get home. You know, the friends thing, like, again, it goes back. to an earlier question, tell your friends.

Yo, what's up? I'll see you tonight around eight. Like, just so you know, like, I'm not drinking tonight. I would love your support. Tell your family. And just remember, like, it's okay to be nervous. I don't want to like, you know, like, like, I sit here and I talk about a lot of this stuff with confidence

because I'm past that point, right? And I'm trying to give you hope. I'm trying to give you confidence if you're asking these questions that you can be where I'm at. where I wear all this stuff kind of like a loose garment, right? Like I've lived all of these questions that were just asked to me. I've lived all of them. I've had all these thoughts.

And by answering them, all I'm trying to do is give you a little bit of my heart and my experience so that you can go home and hopefully have a good time. You know, what happens between our mind and our heart can be skis. And so the scary part being like what's, what's in our heads? We'll tell ourselves we're not lovable, we're not worthy, we shouldn't even be able to go home for Thanksgiving. We're going to ruin Thanksgiving because I'm the sober person. And Thanksgiving was always a time where we got together and we drank and we did. None of that's true.

I'm here to tell you no, that's true. I've had 13 so I was in here I was in I was a back-to-back Thanksgiving rehabber so I did 2010 Thanksgiving rehab great meal 2011 Thanksgiving rehab even better meal I stepped it up I went to a better treatment program and I'm here to tell you that as lonely as those two Thanksgiving's felt. I'm going to hop in a car this week. I'm going to go to the Jersey Shore. I'm going to run in a turkey trot.

I'm going to watch them football. I'm going to play with my nieces and nephews. I'm going to watch other people drink. I'm going to pour wine for people. That's where I am in my life. And I'm going to have a blast. And I'm going to be grateful for my sobriety. I'm going to wake up Friday morning.

feeling fantastic and I'm going to carry on with my life and I know that because I am sober being sober gives me an ability to actually in some ways predict what is going to happen I am pretty sure how Thanksgiving is going to go for me for me as a result of my sobriety and the way that I answered all those questions the same can be true for you if you're sober, you have the power to do what you want to do, to say what you want to say, to show up the way that you want to show up. And that's one of the gifts that we get when we get sober. And it's been an evolution.

As I said, I felt these questions so deeply. I really did because I've been there. and I have a whole community of folks here at release and people who are newly sober asking me these questions every single day so you're not alone you're not alone so

moral of the story here for this episode I had fun answering your questions I like very much appreciate that people wrote in I think what you're probably sitting there thinking or if I had to guess if I'm going to do the thinking I know what other people are thinking thing that I just told you not to do

if I'm going to do that right now in this moment my guess is that you're like oh okay that like makes sense and the other thing you're probably thinking is like there probably wasn't a lot of like there wasn't a lot of science behind what I just shared There wasn't a lot of medical advice around what I just shared.

But I can tell you that it was lived experience. And lived experience in this world, in behavioral health care, can be very, very valuable. If you're 90 days sober and you're going home and mom's drunk, do not try to get mom sober. That is not your place. Definitely not this year. And that's it. I hope this was helpful. I hope that it was interesting.

The holidays don't need to be stressful. You're going to get through it. It might feel a little wonky at times. But when you wake up on January 1st of 2025 and you're sober, you will not regret that. And that's a promise. So good luck. If you do drink, that's okay. If you don't drink, that's okay.

just know that you are definitely worth it and each household in this country looks very different than the next one so don't compare identify just do your best thanks for listening