The Zac Clark Show - Rivkah Reyes: From School of Rock to a Life in Recovery

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

In this episode, Zac and Jay sit down with Rivkah Reyes – actor, musician, and the bass player from School of Rock – for a candid, nuanced conversation about growing up in the spotlight, addiction at a young age, and finding sobriety.Together, they walk through Rivkah’s journey from child stardom into substance use, the role drugs and alcohol played in coping with pressure and identity, and how getting sober transformed her relationship with herself, her emotions, and her life.Rivkah opens up about the realities of addiction behind the scenes, and reflects on the stigma, shame, and courage involved in getting sober while still figuring out who you are – including coming out and embracing her sexuality.This is an honest, grounded exploration of what it means to heal, grow, and build a life in recovery.Connect with Zac:https://www.instagram.com/zwclark/https://www.linkedin.com/in/zac-c-746b96254/https://www.tiktok.com/@zacwclarkhttps://www.strava.com/athletes/55697553https://twitter.com/zacwclarkIf you or anyone you know is struggling, please do not hesitate to contact Release Recovery: [phone]releaserecovery.com@releaserecovery

Zach Clark's show, I am joined in addition by my co-host, Jay DeVore, by Rivka Reyes. Rivka is someone who is an actress and a musician and is also openly sober. She came to wide recognition when she starred in Jack Black's School of Rock many years ago. And she talks about how that experience ultimately jump started for illustrious drinking and using career. She's been sober for eight years now and she shares a lot about how this journey is truly about being authentic to yourself. Rivka Reyes. You're sober. I am sober. That's amazing. And she just announced in addition to her debut album that's coming out this year and all the other fun stuff we're going to talk about that she is starting on her runner's journey.

Yes. Which you were on the right place. Yes. I love a treadmill and now I'm bored. You know what I mean? Like I've done treadmill for a couple years and it's just like an afterthought after I work out and I'm like maybe running outside could be fun.

Can you just give you contact? Zach, you've run 15 marathons? 17. 17 marathons. That's crazy. We have a friend in common, Ashley, Masternardi, who I love and she is, she's like the OG. Marathon Queen.

Yes. She runs New York every year. She's been doing that forever. You always see Ashley kind of out there in the park, and she's been on the journey, so we love her. She's who kind of inspired me. Like hearing her talk about just the discipline that it takes, I think, to run a marathon.

I don't know that I will run a marathon, but just to be able to run outside kind of sounds nice. It's very meditative. Yeah, for sure. And I am someone that struggles to shocker, sit quietly in the morning and sit quietly at night. like the anchors of the day. Same.

So I have been creative in like this morning I was on a run and that was a great time for me to like meditate and connect with God and then I go to the saunas and the bass and that's like at night and that's another. I just need the phone removed from me. I think it's a conclusion. Yeah. I similarly before this I meditated for 20 minutes but only because it was a meeting in which we had to.

I wouldn't have done that if it wasn't. Do you meditate at all? No. I do, but it's usually out of desperation. Like it's usually after like hour nine on my phone and I'm like reading just, you know, drama, trauma, dying babies. And then I'm like, all right. Set a time for five minutes.

Five minutes. Like, you know, five is better than zero is what they say. But my meditation kind of comes in the form of exercise, dance, music. Like, I practiced my bass for, like, an hour yesterday before a sponsie came over to start the steps. And I just, like, yeah, put on a little cue of songs that I like to practice bass to. And that kind of got meditative for me. It's like a state of flow.

Yeah. You've chosen to be very open about your sobriety. Yeah. How long are you sober? I celebrated eight years on December 10th. Nice. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it is important for me to be open about it because I am such a party girl still. Like I have been a party girl since I got sober. What does that mean, though? Like I go to parties and I love parties. And I love staying out until 4 a.m. with my friends, going to the diner, staying there until 7. 7 in the morning.

This is very important for everyone to hear. Yeah. That it is not a punishment, that you can actually have a life. You can be hot and fun and sexy and sobriety. Like, and you can have, yeah, you can have a fun, exciting life, especially in New York. Like, I would say probably 75% of my friends here are sober. Right. And we go out and stay out and into the wee hours of the night.

And then the other 25% of our friends are sober. like, I want that thing because they're having fun and they don't have to do drugs. Yeah, exactly, exactly. They're like, how? How do you do that? Yeah. And I also think it's important, too, for, you know, people, like, queer people, LGBT people to see that, you know, you don't need to drink or do drugs to, like, get their courage to, like, talk to a pretty girl, you know?

Or. Well, you're very open on social media about that part of your journey. Were they? About gay? Yeah. Which is great. We love it all. No, but no, but I think it's always, here's my question.

Here's my question about sobriac. Because what I will find, what I've found, and I'm interesting when you kind of came out, because what I found, and we've seen this a lot is I'll see the same guy over and over and over, counting days, counting days, can't get sober, can't get sober, straight male, can't get sober. Oh, I'm gay. I'm going to be honest with myself. and now all the sudden, because I was honest with myself, I'm able to maintain sobriety.

I've seen that journey a lot. Yeah, it happened to me too. I never identified as straight. I came out as bisexual when I was in high school because that was like a fun attention grab and I was kissing girls and stuff. But then it wasn't until I stopped drinking and using drugs that I realized that every time I've slept with a man,

it was self-harm. And that's not the case for everyone. And yes, bisexuality exists, but that is the case for me. And, you know, I'm sure if there are, you know, sober guys that I've fucked while being sober in AA who are watching this. Yeah, like, I feel like Ellen DeGeneres on the cover of time. Yep, I'm gay. But, you know, I, it was revealed to me in the steps and in meditation and in other 12-step fellowships that, you know, I used men and hookups with men as a drug, as just like something that I could use to dissociate out of my body or just kill time, which is like what I was doing with drugs a lot of the time, just like something to do with my hands and or mouth. And like, you know, kind of just, you know, one of the biggest

one of the most important things in my sobriety has been to thine on self be true and um I can be nothing but myself anymore how long did it take you into your sobriety journey to get to that because I feel like that's I feel like the reason the early years are very hard for people in sobriety is they wake up and they realize oh I'm actually not acting or behaving authentically to who I really believe I am inside. Exactly. I mean, that took, it took the pandemic. Like, so I got sober in, I started trying to get sober in 2016.

After the- How old were you that? Can I ask? I was, how old am I now? Do you use from 14 to 24 is my research, correct? Yeah. Yeah, so I was 24. Yeah.

And I was, I think I had been, like, clean for like maybe two weeks. And then the 2016 election happened. And I literally said to a bar full of people where we were watching the map just slowly turn red, I go, well, I'm relapsing tonight. And I did on everything. It was, you know, literally, like, I chose that choice after being so proud of myself for having two weeks.

And I was just like, you know, like, once it's Hillary's America, like, I'm never drinking again. And, and, you know, it's just that kind of thing of, like, job or no job, like, you know, president that you like president that you don't like. Like, I don't have to drink. But in that moment, I chose to. But yeah, I don't know.

It took until COVID and being stuck with myself in a house, in a relationship with a man that I was, like, so, like, not in love with because I, that's not the relationship that I wanted to be in. And going to Zoom meetings, you know, multiple times a day for multiple programs and talking of fellows and and doing the thing doing the thing and and I just kind of like had this moment

where I woke up one day and I was just like I need to tell this man that like I'm a gay, B not in love with them and C need to move out right and luckily one of my one of my friends from the rooms like a very talented like singer who I would

you know say as a hero of mine who had heard me share on a Zoom meeting offered me like to stay with her, you know, and I stayed with her for a couple months. And, you know, that's when I started sponsoring too, was during COVID. And every time I had a sponsor, like, I just like learn more and more about myself. It's like the secret trick of that's the thing that people lose who are not in our orbit. The whole like, hey, we're helping ourselves by giving this thing away is like, I mean, it's.

I didn't understand what was happening to me until I helped someone else, you know, like, because. Because it's just, you don't know what's going on, and it's the first time. And then you see someone else change. And that's when you're like, oh, I've changed. And also, this is, like, real. Yeah. And they call you with your problems disguised as their own. And then you have to, like, give them advice.

And then you have to do the thing that you said that they should do. Yeah. Tricks you into being a good person. How did it affect your career? I mean, you started. Being gay or being sober or both? Both, both. Yeah, can we go back, though?

Because I know that you were, like, that you were performing, like, very young, right? Like, because you were talking about being in high school and, like, having, like, I feel like, for me, like, I had, like, this self-destructive impulse, you know, like, whether it's struggling, whatever you're struggling with. Yeah. You know. I loved being dared to do things. Like, it was, it was such a, I think people kind of got win that I would, like, do anything to, like, do anything to, like, seem cool. like peer pressure or whatever. And so like, you know, hey, Rivka, go kiss a girl. Like, oh, hey, Rivka, like, drink that beer. And that I would do it. It was like Ella fucking Ella

enchanted, like where I just had to do the thing. And, oh, smoke that cigarette, you know. And so by the time I was 14, drinking, cigarettes, hooking up with girls, hooking up with boys, smoking weed. And by the time I was like, yeah, like 17, I had started trying Coke. I, you know, other drugs, pills, things that, you know, were not prescribed to me, of course. And all the while, you know, having to go home and be like the perfect daughter. And you were having success, right? And I was having success. Well, yeah, I mean, I started acting like my first audition was School of Rock.

And then I booked it on the first one, which like, of course, gave me a complex. Wow. I was like, oh, this is going to be easy. The Jack Black School Rock? Yeah. And how old were you then? Ten. Wow.

My first drink was at the Toronto Film Festival. Bragg. But yeah, it was like a glass of champagne. And I like, you're 10. I was 11 when the movie came out. So I remember like grabbing a flute of champagne, some of the other boys in the movie. And I were, you know, like, cheers. Oh my God, this is crazy.

Fran Drescher's over there. The Olsen twins are over there. Like, glug, glug. And then I went in the bathroom. I looked at myself and I had like the little buzz from the champagne. And I was just like, you got it. You got this. Go talk to Fran Dresher.

Are you cool? and I was able to like carry myself in conversation with adults without being like what are they you know am I ugly like and that was like the constant you know feedback loop in my head it was medicine early on right like at 11 years old you have this sip of alcohol I can I can do anything now the shoulders relaxed you unzip a little bit yeah at 11 you're so self-conscious like you I mean the fact that you're even thinking like that you know intensely about what other people think and how you look and you know how you feel well I'm a girl with a camera on me at all time you know, like at that age.

And, you know, also, like, I was bullied so intensely in elementary school. Chicago public school kids are ruthless. And, you know, I was called fat. I was called weird. I was called ugly. And then, like, getting this job where I was going to be on camera for the world to see that I was fat and weird and ugly. And also simultaneously being told by my family that I'm the prettiest thing on the planet.

and, you know, having attention from the boys on set, you know, like the other boys in the cast, like some of them had crushes on me and I was just like, what? That's never happened to me before because at school I'm the ugly weird guitar girl. And here, like, we're all friends. We're all, you know, we all were so close on set. And so there was just like a lot going on my brain to wrestle with. And then the public figureness of it all, like at that. age is so, so much. And with that, of course, unfortunately comes, like, being sexualized by men, you know, when I was 10 years old, getting guys on the internet saying, like, oh, she's going to be really hot when she's 18 and, like, whatever. And you see all that. And I see it.

And where do you place it? At the time, what did you do with that information? I didn't know what it meant I just knew it was bad. I just knew it was wrong. And I was really uncomfortable with it. And then, of course when I came back to normal school after, you know, the movie came out and was huge. We had no idea how huge it was going to be. Kids were either like, that's so cool. Hey, do you want to be best friends now? Or what, do you think you're better than us? Because you're a little movie star. Oh, you only had five lines of that fucking movie anyway. Like, you know, so it was just kind of no middle ground. And my parents ultimately had to pull me out of the public school, put me in a private school, you know. And then, you know, and then, you know, and then, you know,

And it starts. And then it starts. And to protect myself, when I transferred school, is I became a mean girl. I became, you know, the little, you know, Queen Bee type situation. Like I was in the little mean girl group and we were like, fucking mean to everybody. So you were bullied and then you became the bully. Totally, totally. Have you gone back to any of those people and had conversations of restitution around the way you treated them?

Yeah, because the mean girl, the thing with the mean girl click is that they always end up bullying each other. Right. You know, so my first amends that I made was to one of my, like, middle school besties who we also ended up going to call a high school and college together. And there were some things that went down in high school and college that were really, really fucking mean. And I was able to, you know, look her in the eye and say, you know, that was so fucked up of me to say that about your family. Like, you know, that was, it was coming from a place of just, like, wanting to be accepted by everyone. And it felt like an easy thing for me to do, but it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. And I'm so sorry.

And how can I, you know, make this up to you? And she revealed to me that her mom had been in AA and that she had never received an amends, like a proper amends from her. So it felt really good to see what it's supposed to feel like and feel what it's supposed to feel like to get one that you, A, consent to. And B, is coming from a place of genuinely just like wanting to make things right. And not all of my amends have gone that way. Like, not all of them have been great. I've made amends to people in the rooms who are like,

fuck you, I never want to talk to you again. Well, that's, yeah. I mean, a lot of times those are the worst, right? The ones you have to go back for things that you did in sobriety. I mean, that's... That's what I'm doing right now. I'm, like, in that process. It's painful.

You're sober eight years now. Like, you're not... I mean, we're not perfect. And I've made all my amends for the stuff that I did while I was on cocaine, you know? Was that your drug of choice? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, anything was my drug of choice, but, like, Coke was the one that kind of, like, ruined my life.

And I always used to say, like, oh, I didn't really have that bit of an issue with weed, but, like, I would smoke every day to come down from the Coke. And then I would have to, like, smoke weed to, like, balance myself out, like, in between uppers and alcohol. But we just spoke to someone recently who also was very much, you know, had issues with cocaine. And, like, their experience of, like, being out till, like, seven in the morning was, like, that's, like, the worst possible thing they could do right now in their sobriety. Like, do you have any association with that if you're, like, out of the diner until six in the morning? But you're sober? Yeah, sometimes. I mean, I recently was in L.A. with a room, in a room full of people doing Coke.

And I was just like watching it all happen. My sinuses like dilated. I was just like, I got to go. I have one of those little boom boom sticks. They're like essential oils. It's really for like nasal like rep or what's it called? Like seasonal allergies or sinuses and stuff. And I found my. like relying on that while I was in the room full of people doing coke as like some again something to do with my hands keep me busy and then I was just like why don't I just leave like it would be a good idea for me to leave but there was a girl that I had a crush on in the room so I was kind of like clocking that I was staying for her but then I was just like do I really want to be having a crush on a girl who like recreationally does coke you know it's kind of like

probably not the vibe for me I remember that I remember making out like very early early in my sobriety a couple years in and making out with a girl that had been doing coke and I got the nummies and I was like hey wait like and like it actually showed me that people that could recreationally use cocaine or could be honest because she was very honest like yeah I did I was doing coke tonight and it wasn't even a thing to her which was like it was and I remember this because it's like oh there's people that can actually do cocaine and not have it be a life destroyer sometimes I still think that like I'm just like a Al-Anon who had like a little bit of a Coke problem that I could probably like go back and do Coke every once in a while like here and there.

But I just I will not. As the freeway opens up and you're in this room of cocaine and you're like, I can't. And I've got the phantom drip and I'm like, you know what? I could probably. But that's the scary thought and that's like ultimately a lot of the time when I have that thought, I remember how embarrassing it was to have to recount days when I, you know, had to reset my day account. in my first year. And the vanity of that kind of keeps me from relapsing sometimes. Sometimes it's the vanity.

Sometimes it's because this program has restored me to stand in the day. Right. And recovery has like, you know, just completely given me the life of my wildest dreams. And so why would I throw it away just to like, you know, impress a girl again, which is what it used to be when I was a kid, you know? I think it's important to say to your point about, like, you know, getting sober is not, a life resigned to like glum and, you know, doom and boring, you know, boring existence. But you are promised, you know, a freedom where you can be in a room with people doing drugs,

massive amounts, or having a good time and not feel like I have to drink or I have to use or I'm triggered now. But like you could go the other way, which is like, you know, I'm having a new experience here. And actually this may make me reevaluate, do I want to be around this person or these people, not necessarily like, I have to use cocaine now. I have to get high. Yeah. And then that girl, you know, a couple of weeks ago posted on her Instagram, like, that she's doing dry January.

Wow. And I was just like, yeah, I bet you are, diva. Makes sense. But the other day she was kind of crashing out over, you know, a breakup. And I was crashing out over a, like, messy, polly thing. And we were kind of both crashing out. And I was just like, well, if you feel like drinking, I know you're trying to do dry January.

Just like, call me. I'm here. And she was just like, thank you. Like, yeah, I really don't have the desire to drink through this moment right now. And I was just like, oh, good. Well, yeah, just offering. You know, I'm here. And that's like the least I can do.

So you're 11 years old. You're in one of the biggest movies in America. I mean, and then you go back to school. Like, how does that set you on the path for the next five years in terms of like your drinking, you're using, your career? Like, how does it all intermingle? Um, so, I mean, what happens after school of rock is I start auditioning for things. Um, lots of movies, lots of TV shows, Hannah Montana, unfabulous, like, Nickelodeon Disney stuff,

taking general meetings. She's sober now, is she? Yeah. I think a lot of those, like that era of Disney and Nickelodeon kids are, are sober or like, are, you know, in and out. It's like that first drunk or that first high, like nothing is ever going to allow them to get back to that moment in time where it's the highest. Yeah, yeah. And a lot of, you know, I mean, a lot of why I had these massive resentments

that would ultimately lead me to drink before I came into recovery was fueled by this thing of like, nothing I do is ever going to live up to School of Rock. And I'm always just going to be the bassist from School of Rock who had the five lines and, you know, chillow, you got a base. And then I could be like fucking. like winning an Oscar and somebody would, you know, be screaming like, do the base face, you know. And that like kind of future tripping and that sort of like self-pity drove me to the gates of insanity. Was going to kill myself.

I drank and used, yeah, like alcoholically for 14 or wait, from 14 to 24. So like 10 year drinking career. What did that look like when you say you were going to kill yourself? was that going to be a planned scheduled thing? Or was that something where you were just going to drink and drug until? Probably a little bit of both. No, I had had attempts. Like in college, I had to go to the psych ward for a little grippy sock vacation.

Over, I think it was like before, it was Labor Day weekend of my sophomore year. And I had like started to like think about maybe jumping onto the subway tracks. and I was just like, or I could not do that and go to the hospital and stay for a couple of days and just like, I felt like this pull to like not jump effectively, which I know, I know is like my higher power, of course. And, you know, I would, yeah, I was just a blackout drinker once I discovered that if you mix Coke and alcohol and you, you know, come up with like whatever. concoction or mental spreadsheet of how many drinks you had versus how much water versus how many bumps you did and how many cigarettes you smoked and then some of them you'd dip in coke and then you're smoking crack and you know how many joints you smoke to not be hung over the next day and i

started doing that like mental gymnastics around drinking and using and my whole life became about how to not black out how to not get sick so that i could then go to set or go to rehearsal or go play a show without seeming to drunk. It was like always my goal to like. Not get found out. Not get caught being on Coke. Because yeah, my parents were kind of like, you know, if you ever do that drug, it's a deal breaker.

You're like cut off. You're like out of the family after I got sober. Oh really? Yeah. They had no idea. No idea. And how did you get sober? Did you go to rehab?

Did you just, you just old school? Nobody loved me enough to, like, tell I had a problem in my family. But then my sisters revealed to me, like, when I was, I probably, like, two years sober, my sisters, you know, have told me that they were really worried about me and stuff, but they never said it to my face. Like, but, yeah, they've told me stories from when I used to drink that I was just like, oh, God, like, I don't know. This one's so bad.

I was, like, going to meet my family, I guess, for, like a father's day brunch or something and I had run out of drugs and I needed to like venom on my dealer for like a little tiny bit of coke and I had no money in my account because that's what drugs do to you and so I like called my dad my sisters like were in the car with my dad when I called and I was just like I spilled ice cream on my shirt and I need to you know buy a new shirt before I meet you guys for brunch and, you know, my dad, like, being so gullible and, and, you know, but, well, yeah, I guess I was a really good actress. Parents always beat themselves up for believing their kids and what about that story is not

believable. You're, like, meeting your family later that day. You spilled some ice cream. You have your dad on the horn. I'm sending the money. Yeah, but my sister's, like, new. They knew what was going on. They, like, kind of looked at each other side-eyed and then. Why don't you just get a new shirt, you know? It's 10 a.m. You're going to brunch? Exactly. Yeah. I'm sending the money. I'm gullible. I would have sent the money. Well, the money was for the new shirt.

Okay. I got to get, right. I got to get a new shirt on the way to the bunch. I got to get a new shirt. Well, I wouldn't think that my daughter's going to go, you know, buy some cocaine. Right. Because I was good at hiding it, I thought, at least from my parents. But yeah, when I ultimately, like, I guess had to come out as like sober to my family,

I had a lot of people and friends, too. A lot of people were like, you know, you didn't. seem that bad. Like, whoa, wait, I drink more than you do. Does that mean I? I'm like, I don't know what it means. It just, I know that it meant that I needed to stop doing this shit because I was poisoning myself. And then I had another couple friends that were like when I was, when I had posted on Facebook at the time, L.O.L. Like 30 days booze free. A bunch of people like texting me like, thank God. And I was just like, okay, okay, you guys hate me. But it was nice. I mean, I think that I did the classic thing of like I was dry for three months before I started actually like getting help and

you know I thought I was going to be able to do this without the program I had friends in in the rooms that were like saving me a seat and subconsciously I guess 12 stepping me without my knowing I had a situation back in I want to say 2016 where I'd been assaulted like while blackout and I And one of my best friends who I knew was in AA came over because I was like, hey, I think I have a drinking problem because I got like essayed last night. And she was like, no, like, that's, you know, you don't, that's, you don't, you don't, you don't get assaulted because you have a drinking problem. But if you think you have a drinking problem, I have a solution. And I was just like, great. What's the solution? She was like, A.I. I was just like, ah, you know, I love that for you.

I don't need the group. I, like, think I just need to, like, do this myself. and then she was like, okay, then try to not drink tonight at the Super Bowl party. I went, okay, great. And I didn't. And I was just like, cool. And then that kind of started my year of attempts to stay sober without God, without program, without community.

But I would still talk to my friend and I'd, you know, text them my day count sometimes. And they'd be like, so proud of you. The thing that I, like, it's more painful to do it alone, though. Yeah, 100%. I mean, I was going to fucking kill myself. Like I was, you know, and then by the end of that year, I was in a messy, you know, relationship dynamic with somebody that was like a chronic cheater, serial, you know, narcissist, you know, drug addict. And I kind of, it was a mirror. It was like, looking in a mirror.

I was like, oh, because I was like a big cheater or two, like when I was drinking and using and I would always be like, I'm sorry, I was on Coke and I just like, fuck this other girl. And like, like. I hate that excuse. I hate when people use drinking or drugs as an excuse to cheat. Yeah. Well, that was my life for many years. And I will say, like, I've cheated in sobriety too, and it is worse. It feels a lot worse, you know?

And I've had to, you know, look people in the eyes and make amends for that. But it feels worse to do it sober and not have the excuse of I was on Coke. but, you know, we make decisions and then there's consequences. Do you feel like eight years in, you're cheating in sobriety is behind you, or can you not answer that question? Well, I think I realized that in order to not cheat, I need to be like in a non-monogamous relationship. And that's a very recent discovery. That's like within the last year that I learned that. And I've been a person who like made fun of polyamory for years.

And I'm like, no, that's probably who I am. It's probably who I am. So is that, is that mean like that you feel for yourself that like you're just not wired to just be only with one person? Yeah. Yeah. I just think it's kind of silly to ascribe to this thing of like there's one person that's going to fill all my needs, emotionally, sexually, romantically, intellectually, spiritually, blah, blah, blah. Because like I've learned from AA and from just like sobriety that I get my needs. needs met in so many ways, like with community. And I don't just have one best friend. You know,

best friend is more of a tier than a person to me. And so I kind of feel the same way about relationship, like romantic relationships. Yeah. Yeah. It's very interesting. I appreciate your honesty. Thank you. Yeah. Do you, so the thing that's coming up for me is there's a lot of people that I will meet in early sobriety and they have this fear that they are not going to be as creative or as good or from a career perspective, how has your sobriety journey impacted your career as a musician, as an actress, as all the things?

I had that too. I thought that, because when I came in, I was doing comedy. And I thought that I needed to do coke and smoke weed and drink a lot to be funny. I don't know. I think I'm fine without it. Like now I do.

And I took some time off from comedy. I haven't even really fully gone back into it. Stand-up? Stand-up improv. Sketch and musical comedy. I would write songs about my butthole and whatever. How's that go? It was a song called Butthole, and the hook was about getting my ass eaten for the first time.

So it was like, yes, I said butt, he licked my butt. He licked my butt-hole. And I was known in Chicago as either school of rock girl or butthole girl. It was great. I love it. You know, the two genders. Yeah. And there was like an audience interactive part where I would like kind of make the audience do like a choral, like harmonized like just singing booty booty.

Yeah. How do you feel about the school rock now though in terms of, you know, like you're just going to pivot off the butthole like that? Just that easy. I'm going to come back to your child acting. We just got her to sing about her butthole song, you know, so how much more can we go? Yeah. Well, to kind of just wrap this up, like, I think that, of course, you know, after I worked the steps, I did the artist's way, like every girl in Bushwick. And, like, I, you know, have done little online creative retreats, writing classes.

I'm actually going on a writing retreat in Spain. I'm traveling by myself to Spain for the first time alone, which is what by myself means, for writing and yoga retreat. And I'm so excited. One of my friends is like one of the facilitators of it. And I was like talking to her about how I've never traveled outside of America by myself. And she was just like, well, I've got a spot in my writer's retreat.

if you want to come to the Spanish countryside and stay in a yurt. And I was like, fuck yeah. Awesome. What is that? Immediately just put my card on it. What? What is that? It's in August, so it's around my birthday.

Nice. So it's my little birthday gift to myself. Sweet. A trip to Spain, the land of my colonizers, love it. But yeah, I'm always trying to do, I think a big part of my 11th step is like how I connect to the creative spirit. it. You know, I've, yeah, as a person who used to, you know, idolize the 27 club, I used to be like, oh, like, Janice Joplin, like, you could hear the heroin in her voice. It's so good. Like,

you know, and Kurt and all Amy Winehouse. Like, but then you realize, like, they all died from, like, drug addiction and probably underneath that was, like, sex and love addiction. Um, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I started. stopped kind of glamorizing, needing to do, you know, drugs and drink to write a good song or make a good joke or write a script or come up with a good idea. And I don't know if you guys were potheads at all, but like I still have stoner brain. Like, eight years clean. I never like to eat.

I never, the weed thing, I never understood it. But I still have a stoner sense of humor. And I still also have like a crackhead kind of attitude about life and program too. I love to like snort the big book, you know, is something that one of my old sponsors would say. She was like, well, you used to, you know, put stuff up your nose. Like, you used to snort drugs, used to snort people, like you used to snort money or lack thereof or validation. So you got to snort recovery. And I was just like, I kind of love that.

Right. You know, mainline that shit. That's how I feel. Yeah, I do not do not do well with a watered down version of recovery. It just doesn't work for me. Yeah. That's why lately I've kind of been... Is that what happened to you when you came, when you sort of, you know, found...

When you met Ashley or, you know, can you just talk a little bit about, like, what led you to, like, having to sort of... Yeah. ...remeat the process? Well, my first handful of years in recovery were in L.A. and love L.A. meetings, love L.A. you know, sobriety and the community there. But I'll never forget this. The first time I went to Living Now, I was like,

I need to move to New York. I heard this speaker from, like, I think from Queens or something. I cannot remember their name or like anything. But I just remember the feeling of like, I belong here. And I was also in a relationship that I didn't want to be in with a person that I wasn't in love with, with somebody who had gotten sober six months into us dating and you hauled with a newcomer.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't you haul with a newcomer if you're listening. It's like don't. Just fucking, like, there's nothing in the big book about like don't date in your first year, but or like don't date newcomers, but like don't do it. It's just not worth it. It will never be worth it.

Anyway, you help with a newcomer. We were engaged. I fell out of love with them. And I moved out. They promptly relapsed, which was fucking, like, of course, in my mind, it was my fault. You did it. And I have, like, grappled with that for, like, the last year, almost two years. Yeah, you're not going to get anyone drunk.

Yeah. You're not that powerful. I know. I know. But, yeah, I moved here. I really just wanted to like build the same amount of community that I had in LA with sobriety. And so I started going to meetings. I was doing like a kind of self-mandated 90 and 90.

Right. My LA sponsor and I could never meet because our schedules were now fucked and like misaligned. And I was kind of sponsoring myself for the first like, healthy. Yeah. That I was living here. But I was going to a lot of meetings. I was, you know, doing service commitments and and living with so much.

people too, but I was starting to get a case of the I'm rights and the, you know, if they only knew how much of a genius I was. And I was like resenting my business partner, my roommates, my friends, like people, you know, my parents, like people around me. And my mom passed away in May of last year. And terrible. Worse than what's ever happened to me. And I kind of just like had to go from the initial couple days after my mom passed being in Chicago with my family to film a TV show where I was like the star of this like rom-com pilot where I had to be like, I think he's the one. Straight by the way, straight on the show and like do that extra acting on top of the acting

of I am a person whose mom didn't just die. I had to separate myself into parts to be able to survive. And it just did something to my psyche where I was resentful all the time. Or maybe not resentful, but I was right. I was right. And I know, I know what I need to do. I know I need to go to a meeting. I know I need to meditate.

I know I need to work the fourth step again. But I just wasn't doing it to where I was either going to drink or like murder someone or myself. Yeah, it's a scary place to be. And I heard Ashley speak at Chinatown, and she was just like, I've made 80 amends in the last year. And I was like, whatever that is, I want that. That is a woman with no shame, no fear. And I called her to tell her some homicidal feelings I was having about one of my girlfriends. Not like a partner, but like a friend that is a girl.

And she was just like, girl, you're going to drink. Like, why don't you work the steps? And so I was just like, you want to take me through them? She was like, yep. And so now since September, I have now made like 40 something amends. You seem happy. Are you happy? I'm very happy.

Yeah. I'm praying for people I resent. That's a big one. Even if it's like, I hope they have the best day ever. Like it still works. I don't know how it works. But it works. The day after I made amends to the girl that I was crashing.

out over on the film with Ashley, we got this huge brand deal, you know? Not saying that making an amends leads to money, but like, in that case it did. Create space. It creates space. It creates space for, you know, and all the girls, all the people that I've like made amends to recently, they're mostly like girlfriends. They're mostly friends that I just kind of like ran away from. Because I, again, not to like, hello. Not to pathologize anything. I don't really love this language, but I am an avoidant type. Like, I tend to, basically when something gets too real for me, I run away from it, whether that's in romance or friendship or whatever.

And a lot of my amends have been like, I'm sorry I ghosted you as a friend. I'm sorry that I couldn't show up for you in that moment because I was afraid that we were getting too close, you know, and it's just like heavy to know that. Are most of these people in AA? Are they mostly, yeah. Some of them are. So they get it. Yeah, good handful.

Other programs, too. But a lot of it is just like me making amends for not showing up when somebody needed me to. And then some financial stuff. But like, yeah. And I do feel like my shoulders relax. You know, I do feel that unzipping like I did when I had that first sip of champagne. And now, like, you know, I've been going to last meetings because I'm sharing the same kind of message that I heard at Chinatown when Ashley spoke. And now I have Sponzie's again.

I've got four. And yeah, they are helping me so much because I'm not thinking about myself. I am a musician and an actress, like an influencer. Like, I think about myself all day. Yeah, alcoholism and influencing is a dangerous... I'm sure you know, Diva. Yeah. Like...

I mean, I have this conversation in my head all the time. It's like, what does it look like to just delete everything? Right. And leave the planet, like, from a social media perspective. Yeah. And I, I mean, not to make it about me, but I will for this second because we do it. We do that. I convince myself that it is important.

for me to keep sharing because if one person gets, you know, the whole God complex thing. And unfortunately, unfortunately, like, there are people, yes, that, like, I got a DM last night. Like, here I am with five years sobriety and I credit it all to you. Like, I don't know. These conversations absolutely help people. And I had somebody come up to me at a party. I was at the other night.

The party is called Strap. And it is thrown by a sober woman, who I live with. and this drunk girl came up to me at the party. I was like, I just want to say your content really inspires me. And I love the sobriety thing for you. I was just like, thank you, DeVot. I, like, give her the biggest hug. And I love it for you too.

I love you so much. I love to, like, trauma bond or, like, love bomber girl at the club in the bathroom. Like, you know, just like in the old days, like, you know, while doing bumps in the bathroom and being like, just come in the stall with me. Like, what's your deal? Like, what's your address? But now getting to do that soberly and being like, how was your day? That's a message I heard today.

I mean, you started with that message, which was so beautiful about you have this life where you still party and you still go out and you still, and you're living true to yourself and you're living this authentic existence and you're doing it all sober. Yeah. Yeah. You can have so much fun sober. I was like making out somebody in a phone booth the other day at Strap. It was great. What is Strap?

Can I ask? Strap is just like a dyke bird. that my roommate throws and there's a good DJ and it's in Ridgewood. It's free. It's fun. But yeah. Is there community at this party? Is this like a,

is it a hookup party or is it a? No, it's not a hookup party, but people have hooked up at the party. No, I was just there with one of my little lovers. How many do you have? I don't know at this moment. I think I'm kind of just like, I really, there are a couple of people that I've recently made out with that are still texting me and I haven't ghosted them yet. And like do they know that like you would say you're polyamorous or yeah?

Yeah, I leave with that because sometimes. Yeah. And you know, that's that's the other thing is like the recovery and the relationship and romance and sex sense is is radically different than when I came in because I actually came into 12 Step through Slaw. I started going to those meetings and then I didn't want what anyone had, so I went to AA instead, and I found I really, really wanted what they had. I mean, I've seen that ruin people. Me too. It ruined me. Yeah. But I'm like a combo of like a love

addict with like a compulsive, like a sexual compulsive and a deep avoidant. Like and so that qualifies me instantly to go to sloth. Yeah. I go because I have sponsors in that program. I go to, you know, carry the message and let these sad motherfuckers know that there is hope on the other side. And I've done nothing perfectly in that program. I kind of feel like it's difficult to define your sobriety from people because we need to interact with each other. And you can get this kind of like high from connecting and relating to somebody on such a spiritual level that it is tricky.

like, you know, you say one too many things and you're trauma bonding. You know, you look into somebody's eyes long enough and you're fantasizing, you know? But for me, like, the drugs in SLA that I don't do are, like, cheating. And, yeah, as I mentioned, I've relapsed in Slau. Like, I don't really count days

when I comes to that program. But all this stuff is working towards this being the most authentic version of yourself. That is what I am feeling sitting across from you and I love your energy and I appreciate that you're here and that's what I just keeps coming up from me in my mind. She is like she is really on this road to get to this place where I walk out the door in the morning and I'm very confident about who I am and the way that I'm going to interact with

this world today. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not, I used to be a fake ass bitch. Like I used to be like, hi. How are you? And I can't, I just am too old for that now. It's so exhausting to keep the mental spreadsheet of like what interaction you had with somebody versus what you said about their back.

Right. What you said about behind their back. And I used to be a big liar when I drank and used and was cheating and all that. Like I was close to being a pathological liar. And that shit runs in my family too. And I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to keep having the mental spreadsheet of how many drinks it took me to blackout alongside what I said to what friend about whose bed I was in last night.

Is your family proud of you? Totally. Yeah. I hope. Like, yeah, they are. Yeah. And there are levels of sobriety in my family, you know? I'm the only one that has, like, made it to the rooms and stayed.

There have been people in my family who have tried the program or tried meetings or even gone to one meeting. And we're like, I love that. That's not for me, but good for you. Just like I did. I wrote it off when I first heard about it. The seeds implanted. Yeah. And I love what they say.

Like, you might be the only big book anyone ever reads. Right. And so I just try to live by principle and, like, have this recovery and these tools and the steps, like, ooze out of my pores. Because people do notice. People are like, you're different. Like, I recently got a drink with my, like, my, like, um, my, like, um, um, my, like, um, high school, like first love, who was like a bandmate and also like a neighbor, very meshed.

We like had a thing for like seven years on and off. And a lot of it was wrapped in drinking. We were just always drunk together. You know, we would always cheat together. And we got we got a drink. And at a certain point, he just goes, you know, you are very much still the girl that I grew up around the corner from, but you're so different. It's almost like this recovery, like, weeded out the toxic parts of you and left the gold. That's amazing. Yeah. That's amazing. Do you, before we let

you leave and go back into the world. Please. You're holding me hostage. What is the, I think we try to give back a little bit, and you've shared a lot here, but what is the one thing, Rift, that you tell to the person who is trying to get sober today or find themselves? Hmm. I think it's just that when you feel that window of opportunity where you have that inkling of I should stop, haven't I had enough, just take it. Because that's what I did.

My actual, like, last drink kind of story is so random and so funny. Like, I was on set, and I had heard somebody say, something along the lines of. I don't really drink because it shows up on camera. I was like, oh, fuck, I gotta stop drinking. And then I had another week of drinking, using acting out. And then we were at work having like a champagne toast for somebody that was leaving our show.

And I like looked in the glass and I was just like, I felt this thing from within me that was like, what if this was your last drink? Kind of iconic considering your first drink with champagne and you were like with your cast and it's like a cyclical way to end this. And it was, and it was my last drink. And, you know, there was a year of marijuana maintenance and, you know, me going to meetings lying about my time and then having to ultimately, like, turn in all my old chips

and start day counting again. But, like, that window of opportunity is all I really needed to, like, just try it. And I've had moments like that in sobriety too where there's just like a window of opportunity yesterday I had when I was at Donnie and I was going to spend $800 on one single pair of pants and one long sleeve t-shirt and I was like do you guys take Klarna and their girl was like no and then I felt this window of opportunity to just walk out of the store and I did and I felt so good like and it was like

that immediate sense of relief. Like, you don't have to buy the $800 jeans and t-shirt. Like, you can literally just, like, find God. Like, my higher power is not in that pair of jeans. Like, my higher power is not in the glass of champagne. My higher power is not in, like, a hot, like, polyamorous, mask lesbian. But if you... I think God is in that.

pause, that moment of, what if I didn't do that? What if I did the exact opposite of what I want to do? Yeah, it's almost like when you know, you know. If you have the feeling most likely. And when you know, you don't know, that's when you know that you're ready to know. And I've always said that. I love this conversation. I want to come see you at a meeting and hang out. Jay, what are you good? No, I'm good. This was great. Space and peace of mind, you know? Yeah. Being your authentic self. That's what I hear. To thine and self be true. It's on the back of the other girl. in the room and nodding too.

Like they were nodding with some identification and some love. So you got Naya, you got grace that are here like, let's go. It's fucking hard to get to that road. You know,

to get to that point, I can be who I am. I've had to like in the last even two weeks, like in a relationship thing that I'm going through like really fight the urge to be the cool girl that doesn't get hurt. Like,

because that's who I want people to think I am. Of course, because I'm Rivka. Like, you know, that's the version of me that I put out there on the internet, but I've been like seeing somebody crying. I'm like crying in this person's arms. I'm being vulnerable. I'm saying when something hurts my feelings or saying when I'm triggered.

I hate that word. But like life is a fucking trigger. And I've been nothing but myself around this person. And like I am really proud of myself for that because that's that's not what I want to do. It's not what I want to do. I want to be cool. I want to be like chill. I want to be nonchalant, but I am so chalant. Like, I am, I'm very shalant. Yeah. You're shalanty. Yeah.

No, I mean, I get the, I remember, you know, when I first moved to New York City and I felt like I had to create this person, I would go and buy the $500 rude t-shirt and the, you know, like the thing and I would have all the, like the graphic teas and I looked in the mirror one day. I'm like, who the fuck are you? Yeah. Like, you can just wear a black t-shirt. That's fine.

Yeah. Because that's, like, probably really who you are, a pretty. Yeah, I woke up this morning and I was just like, what I'm going to wear on this podcast? I have to look so cunty, but I'm like, no, wear what you're going to wear for the day because I had, you know, meeting before this. I'm meeting a fellow after this for coffee

and then I'm meeting a sponsie and I'm going to see like my, actually the person who brought me into the rooms, the person who 12-step me is in town doing like a play reading. Nice. And so I'm seeing their show tonight and then I have to go DJ in Bushwick. You have to get to go DJ.

Yeah. I must, no, I get to DJ tonight in Bushwick and not be hung over tomorrow. Sick. I'm going to chug a Gatorade on stage. It's going to be fun. Well, thank you for coming. We love you. We support you.

We're rooting for you. How about that? I'm rooting for you guys. Thank you. This is great. Thank you for rooting for me.