The Zac Clark Show - Young Women, Alcoholism & the New Generation of Recovery | Neva Coleman

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

Neva Coleman looked like she was thriving. She was a bright college student at Tulane, surrounded by friends, succeeding academically, and living what many would consider the "normal" college experience. But behind the scenes, alcohol had become far more than a way to have fun. In this conversation, Neva shares how grief after losing her father on 9/11, perfectionism, anxiety, and an escalating relationship with alcohol led to blackouts, withdrawals, a call to the suicide hotline, and years of believing she simply needed more willpower. Zac and Neva discuss why so many young women don't recognize themselves in the stereotype of alcoholism, the shame that keeps people silent, and how recovery gave her a completely new way to live. Recovery is changing. A new generation is making sobriety more visible, more honest, and more hopeful than ever before. Neva is one of the voices leading that shift – not by pretending to be perfect, but by showing that a full, joyful, connected life is possible without alcohol.  This is a great conversation that explores grief, identity, alcoholism, and the hope that recovery offers – no matter how old you are.  Follow Neva Coleman: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/neva__coleman/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@neva__coleman Connect with Zac https://www.instagram.com/zwclark/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/zac-c-746b96254/ https://www.tiktok.com/@zacwclark https://www.strava.com/athletes/55697553 https://twitter.com/zacwclark If you or anyone you know is struggling, please do not hesitate to contact Release Recovery: [phone] releaserecovery.com @releaserecovery Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I wanted to drink like how people drink in college, like all the time. I wanted to go to the bar on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, drink all day, Saturday. And I really only had like one mode. It was just blackout. Neva Coleman, known online as the sober party girl. She's helping redefine what sobriety can look like for young people. My room is disgusting. There's alcohol everywhere. My bed is like covered in like self-tanner and makeup.

I'm like literally living in filth. And that's so much of what. why I'm doing what I'm doing now and like being completely honest and not holding back at all. Today, she is 14 months sober, open about her sobriety and helping thousands of young people recognize addiction at an earlier stage. It's just the insanity of the disease, like really making that decision to pick up again after going to the hospital for withdrawals and like continuing to drink after that. So like my rock bottom moments like all happened. I'm happy you're here. Happy to be here. Thanks for having me.

You got sober and decided like I want to be a voice. What like what started that for you? I'm very curious about how you decided to be so open about your sobriety. Yeah. I honestly didn't put much thought into it before. I just, I'd gotten sober, started to. And I kind of was just like helping people that had found out that I was sober through the grapevine, whether it was like, like from my hometown or friends of friends from my college, people were reaching out to me. And I just felt like I was really able to help them. And just I was connecting with them on a personal level.

And I just kind of realized, like, I think I could help a lot more people if I talk about this online. And I just had reached a point in my recovery where I was really comfortable talking about it. And so I just one day made a video and it was just basically describing how and why I stopped drinking. And it just blew up. People cared.

Yes. And a lot of people, you know, it resonated with a lot of people. Young women or everyone? Young people? I think particularly young women. I was 24 when I made that video. So I think just hearing someone, I guess like representation obviously is really important. I wish that I heard someone like me talk about it at the time. So I kind of wanted to be that voice for someone else. Yeah, it's so important. One of the stats I always share here is that in treatment, there's essentially one female bed for every six male beds. So I say that because I don't have the answer. I don't know why that is, but I would guess that part of that is, for whatever reason,

women are less likely to put their hand up and ask for help. I don't really know what it is either, but I think for myself, it was, I was not what I thought an alcoholic was. I was always picturing like brown bag alcoholic chronic relapser you know male older smoking cigarettes outside the church like that's what I thought so having to come to terms with the fact that I was really young and like I was raised well I was smart I was hard working I had a you know great social life I have really good friends like really good family and like I just couldn't accept that that this was something that I had yeah I think I had an awakening so when I how do I ask this? I if I'm being honest feel when this whole kind of boom happened around

people sober influencers people talking about living a different way not even necessarily getting sober I was I think I was like hesitant at first to really trust it because there were so many people like I feel like this was probably how long you sober um about to hit 14 months yeah That's fucking awesome. Congrats, Neva. Yeah, I mean, like, it's happened in the last 14 months. Like, you've contributed to it to where now I log on to Instagram and my feed, my algorithm is I, if there's 10 posts, eight of them are people celebrating sobriety.

And so I've come all the way around to the other side of this. Do you, I think one of my fears, if I can name it, is your own personal sobriety. Like, do you think about being this voice. for the recovery community and what if I drink? No, my ego is way too big. I couldn't handle it. Like, this is also like accountability for me. Okay.

I also am so turned off by it. I love my life so much that I, like, no. There's I, and I also, this is not my first attempt at getting sober. Like, I tried everything not to be sober, literally everything for years and nothing worked. Like, this is the only option for me. Was there people that when you were still drinking, did you know of sober people that you kind of looked up to and said like, oh, this is going to give me? No, I had no examples. I had no help.

I got myself sober. So you didn't because Demi Lovada, like you didn't have like these, okay? No. Nope. And you're trying to make that part of your identity today, right? Is that people, young women especially can reach out to you. Yes. I answer like every DM that I get.

I love that. Well, from women. Yeah. If you're a woman, I'll answer you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's smart, Eva. Incredible. I love it.

And so let's take a look like, like the classic kind of A, yeah, like what it was like, what happened and what it is like now. Your dad died in 9-11? Yeah. How old were you? Four months old. Four months old. Yeah. So there's no, I mean, I would have said, right?

No, I don't have any memories. And your mom, do you have siblings? Yes, I have an older brother. My brother was two years old. Okay. And your mom is around, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And you guys are close and in touch and all the things. My mom is the strongest woman I know. I admire her so much. She is genuinely like the coolest person I know, the most resilient person I know. she is so kind and compassionate and supportive. And she's also just like a badass woman. I love her so much. I love that.

My mom's very special to me too, so I definitely identify with those feelings and thoughts. When did you first start drinking? I think I had my first drink when I was like 15. Did you growing up know that you were different than, well, did your mom remarry? Was there a father figure in your life? No. My mom never wants to get remarried. She says when I agree with her, you married the love of your life, and that's it.

She's like, I did. Married the love of my life. That's so beautiful. Yeah. And she's got you. What's your brother's name? My brother's name's Vaughn. Vaughn.

My mom's name's Elitie. They like the V in your family. I know. I love that. Yeah. Okay. My parents were, my dad was insistent on a feminine name for a girl, a masculine name for a boy. So they landed on Nevon Vaughn.

And so he was working on Wall Street. I mean, that was. Yeah. This is kind of crazy. But up until Friday, I worked. in the World Trade Center. So the job you just left, you were working at the World Trade Center. Yeah.

I was living in L.A. when I started that job, and then I got transferred to New York and their office. So I asked to be transferred to New York and their offices in the World Trade Center. So I kind of made it like a ritual. I just go to the memorial every day, say hi to my dad and my uncle. My dad was working at Canter Fitzgerald, a managing director of equity derivatives. He was getting really successful. he's hired his little brother and they both died.

So that's how you know Maddie, Matt Batchy, right? I mean, is that kind of... Yeah, so my friend Nicole, her older brother, is best friends with Matt Batchie. It's so cool. I mean, there's a whole group of young people who are now growing up and having this shared experience of living in New York or living on the East Coast

without a mom, a dad, a parent figure because they were lost in 9-11. I mean, it's so tragic. I know a remarkable amount of 9-11 kids who are sober. Makes sense. It does, right? When you started drinking, did you attribute that to feeling different, like to not having a dad? Did that ever come up for you?

Or did you just, it was just a party and you started to drink? My disease was very progressive. My first drink was not at all like my last one. I didn't realize that I was drinking about 9-11 until I think I was like 21. And my first sponsor actually asked me, when did you start drinking about it? And I kind of like didn't realize that I was. And now looking back on it, like I definitely was. Like, the worst day of my year every year is September 11th, obviously.

But what really is bad for me is, like, the month prior, just like the anticipatory anxiety, all of that. And just like on the actual day, my family, like, we do the same thing every day. So we kind of have like a schedule. And like, it's difficult. But I'm like, we have to go to the memorial at X time, listen to the names, do X, Y, Z, go with our, like, family friends who my mom is friends with these women from her support group. So we kind of, it's kind of.

It's kind of like a nice day almost because we're all like together. But like before that day, like it's just so rough. And I remember the first time I ever asked for help was right after September 11th when I was at school in New Orleans. And I had gotten to school like mid-August and like used syllabus week and like early getting there as like an excuse to just drink every day. And so I was black. out every day, but I was also, like, coming home and, like, hysterically crying, like, so drunk. And then I would just, like, say all these really concerning things. And, like, my friends would have to comfort me.

And, like, it was a lot around, like, my dad and just, like, the anger and, like, confusion about the whole thing. And then in the morning, I'd be, like, so embarrassed that I, like, let all of this out. And then I, like, wouldn't want to talk about it. So I think I have had a lot of trouble with the grief. too because I think particularly for an event like this I've grieved like in reverse because I don't remember the day so like over time I've been given like more information and I have to like grapple with new information about the event if that makes sense like I remember like when I was told that I knew I like my dad was in heaven like that was how it was explained to me when I

was really little. Then, like, I remember when I was told, like, what the event was and that, like, it wasn't an accident. And then, like, learning, like, even in, like, school and stuff, like, the political aspect of it, all of these other things that while I'm, like, learning about this in school or, like, things I've seen online, things that I have to, like, grapple with, like, new information's coming out all of the time. So I'm really, like, it's an ongoing process for me. Yeah, grief, trauma. We're learning a lot more. about that as we mature just in behavioral health care. And the fact that that keeps coming up for you is no mistake.

And I also think you strike me as someone who's very confident, right? You're someone who you wouldn't be where you are today without confidence. And a lot of times confident people have a tendency to kind of shove some shit down and not ask for help. So it's kind of this perfect storm of, I got this. Yeah. You know? That's me, two a tea.

Yeah. So you start drinking at 15 and would you describe your high school drinking as kind of like your classic? Shine a light on that for me. Because I always say like my high school, I thought I was in the movie, Dase and Confused, right? I thought I was like some bad hippie, I don't know, stoner or something I was trying to be. It's kind of tough because I was like a really good kid. Like I was like a textbook perfectionist. like I always had straight A's and like that was only pressure that I put on myself like honors APs like clubs.

So I was like the president of like the global women's empowerment club. I was like a varsity athlete on field hockey lacrosse like I was so involved and I always had like an amazing group of friends. Like I still to this day some of my like most of my friends I've had since I was like four or five six years old. And so I kind of like had everything and I was like happy with that because I had like curate. that way. But my first addiction was not alcohol. It was an eating disorder. I just, like, struggled really, really badly with one. But I, my thing was like keeping up appearances. Like, I needed to keep. Were you restricting? Was that? Yeah. Yeah. Like, really bad anorexia. But I had kept it. Do you share about that online? Do you talk about that? Yeah, I talk about both

sometimes because a lot of people, I kind of only started talking about it when people would comment on my videos about how I feel about alcohol and be like, oh my God, I feel this way about food. And then so I kind of started to talk about like the relationship. It's very common for women to struggle with both. Right. Well, it's the first thing you can really control. I mean, as a little girl, right? Like that started before I was drinking.

Like the first time I ever, I would anorexic and xorex, which is using exercise to burn off the calories. So the first time I ever had a thought like that to like use exercise to burn off was in seventh grade. So, like, this started way before that I was drinking. But my mom really, like, nipped it in the bud when she realized, like, what was going on. And, like, I was right into treatment. Psychiatrist, therapist, nutritionist, support group.

Like, really, she just got me into, like, treatment immediately. So, but that was, like, derived from that, like, perfectionist thing and just, like, needing control. But I was always able to keep up appearances. Like, if I was sitting at dinner with you, I would eat. enough so you wouldn't notice that I was like, but I wouldn't have eaten breakfast that day or lunch that day or whatever. It was like always, ugh, that was debilitating and like you can't escape it. Like you have to eat. No, my sister Catherine struggled with an eating disorder for many years and in some ways still, you know, it's still there, right? Like I think that's one of the

pieces I've learned about, you know, binging and purging or anorexia or any of these eating disorders is that we all require food to like if we don't need alcohol to live, right? We need food to live and my sister had an unbelievable ability to kind of move the food around on the plate and make it look like she. I know all the trips. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And coming out of that, when you picked up that, like, can you describe the feeling that came with that first drink? Do you remember? Yeah. So it was the summer between eighth grade and high school and I had a sleep over at my house and I got peach schnapps and like green apple schnapps from my mom's cabinet. and we just like tried it and I don't know it was like oh it burns or whatever and like I

definitely thought I was drunk from like one drink but I really didn't like drink much after that I didn't really like allow myself the calories of alcohol for like the early high school when I was struggling with my eating disorder so I would often like just go so in your mind alcohol was calories yeah yeah so and I actually did associate it with like a loss of control because then I wouldn't be able to like control what I ate and all these other things so yeah calories from alcohol I It wasn't, I didn't allow that as like part of my diet. I was also like really strict with myself about like studying and sports and all that. But then what changed for me is drinking.

Like I actually allowed myself to like go to parties and drink. And when I did drink, I discovered that I was like, I just had lost that like overwhelming anxiety. Like when you have an eating disorder or any kind of like addiction, it's your mind 24-7. And I couldn't turn it off. There was nothing I could do to turn it off. and like alcohol really settled my anxiety and like it made me more fun. It made me like not, I don't know, like the warm and fuzzy feeling that everyone feels like they get from it. I totally felt that way.

And I didn't feel like I was like very fun and I felt like I was very serious. Like I remember my mom saying like, you're the most serious kid I've ever met. Like I couldn't let loose. Like I couldn't relax. I couldn't even like watch TV. Like I just was always like buzzing. So when I had alcohol, it really just like took that whole thing away for me. And I was able to be more social and like be more fun.

And I definitely like loved the attention that I got from drinking. I was like I ended up being like the first person in my grade with a fake ID because I like ordered them. And then I started running this like business where before even had my license, I had one of my friends who had her license. I would collect all the money, then go to the liquor store. I would get all of the alcohol for everyone for the weekend. I was like 16 at the time.

And then my friend had like a circle driveway. And literally like in my friend's Jeep, we just pop the trunk. And then I had people drive and I just handed them alcohol. So like I got this like, like people were coming to me for things. And I was like getting more attention. And then like you get attention from like friends or like boys and all this stuff that I like, I like was so happy to like be that person. Can you draw a through line to your experience today? Because I heard a couple of things there.

One, I heard your mom say that she thinks you were very serious. And part of your personality today is that you go out and you have fun. Are there days when you just don't feel like being the happy, sober girl? I mean, yeah, like recovery is a work in progress. Like there are definitely times that I'm not feeling that great. don't want to go out. But for the most part, I'm just, like, so comfortable in my own skin. And I really just, like, am a fun person naturally.

And that's something I really got wrong about myself. Like, I am so much fun on my own. And I always thought that, like, I was only fun because I was drinking. But that's not the case. Biggest lies we tell ourselves. But, like, this feeling of, like, hey, you're handing out the booze. And now, like, you're posting on, it's like, there's a lot of synergy there. And I'm just curious if you've thought about it.

I mean, for me, as someone who has a brain that's absolutely insane, that's the through line that I draw. Yeah. It was like, oh, now, like, I have this thing. And when I post about it, and it does, it feels good. I mean, I think we can both acknowledge that, right? When people respond well to a video or a post that you put up. Yeah. After that, when I graduated, then I went to Tulane and I, like, that's, it's the number one party school in the country.

And I, when I was there, like, I was always post. posting about how much fun I was having. And like I actually posted a video and it got like over a million views of me literally going through my Instagram account from when I was at school. And I just screenshoted all of these posts and like narked on myself for like what actually happened that night. So it'd be like this photo of me out during Mardi Gras. And then I'd be like, oh, this is what actually happened that night.

And I like went through and it was just like so freeing to not pretend anymore that things were different than they were because I like always wanted to keep up this appearance. of like this party girl having the most fun when I'm like an active addiction and miserable. Yeah, but how do you explain that to young people now that are trying to get sober? Because I feel like that's one of the things that I hear a lot, right? Like it's not even really about the drinking and the drugging. It's holding on to this identity that you're this fun, outgoing person that can go out and have a couple beers.

Like I had to smash that idea pretty early on. that was probably the like the loss what I thought was a loss of identity was probably one of the most difficult things for me but I just am so wrong about who I am as a person like I really had this conception of myself that I really was just like a party girl and like a good time I didn't like all of the traits that I have today like I'm a really good friend I'm a really good daughter I'm a really good sister. Like, I'm really smart. I'm really ambitious.

I'm really driven. Like, all of these traits were just pushed all the way down. And, like, being fun was, like, the most important thing for me. And now, like, I'm fun. I like to go out. I like to have fun. But it's not the first thing that I would, like, describe myself as. Yeah, I think you can give yourself permission to call yourself fun.

I am fun. I agree. But, like, that's not the most important thing about me. Right. But, like, I always say, like, I take my sobriety very seriously, but not too seriously. I love that. As you, I'm just very fixated on this relationship with your mother. And as you start to drink and kind of go down this path of party girl and kind of losing

yourself and losing your identity, what does the relationship with your mom look like? My relationship with my mom has really like fluctuated throughout the years because of me. And I'm able to say that now. I mean, when I was little, like me and my mom were like, I mean, we're, besties now. But like we did everything together. Like my mom really is my best friend. And when I was in high school, I think when I started to like have fun, she was just so like, I would like throw parties sometimes and like I would get like punished for like a day. But then she'd be like, I'm just happy that you're like having fun because like she knew I had like struggled so badly. And so like I would kind

to get in trouble a little bit, just like, you can't throw parties in my house without my permission, but she was like, but was it fun? Like, did you have fun? So it was like, um, there's a whole debate on that, by the way, in these suburban towns. Like, do we let our kids come to this house and take all their keys and drink under age or do we let them go drink in the woods? I mean, it's a really, I think it's a fascinating. My hometown is like, there's so much drinking in my hometown. But, um, and then I go off to school and that's really when my, a addiction took off. Like, I wouldn't say in high school, I was really, like, I wouldn't say I was addicted

at all. I was, like, kind of drinking like everyone else. But maybe I think just, like, the feelings and, like, my obsession with drinking was different. But college is really where I was just, like, off to the races, like, no supervision whatsoever. And I just was kind of, like, picking up on the drinking habits of everyone around me. And just, like, the normalization of blacking out. and like I had realized that like I couldn't stop once I started but that was like my goal.

Like I thought it was cool to like be blacking out every night. And then I start smoking weed and like if it's not drinking like I'm smoking every night. And it just like took a turn and then it just became like my entire identity is like drinking. And it's like so normalized in college. Like I wanted to drink like that all the time how people. drinking college. Like I wanted to go to the bar on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, drink all day Saturday, Saturday night, and then Sunday, be miserable, recuperate for two days, and start the cycle all over again. That's how I wanted to drink. And I really only had like one mode. I just had,

it was just blackout. And I was a Jekyllyn Hyde alcoholic, like the person sitting in front of you right now, how I act, like it would be the complete opposite. Like, this is really funny, but like sometimes when I would black out, I would go nonverbal. Like, you would try to talk to me and I would just be like this. Like, just no, I have no words. Right. And, like, one of my friends would have, it's like weekend at Bernie's, like, carding me around because I won't speak.

Yeah, they call me Billy Gobbles because I would just like, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, and like, I would cook. I would cook in the kitchen. Like, yeah, I would like in a blackout. Like, yeah, I would do that too. My poor roommates in college, I would leave the kitchen, like, a mess. I was making, like, there was, like, why was I making, like, oh, like, fried rice, like, at, like, 2 o'clock in the morning, like, blackout drunk. Oh, my God, one time my friend walked into the kitchen and I had made myself, like, toast with jam, and her boyfriend was over, and they walk in the kitchen.

I'm face down in my toast, and she, like, took a video of it. It's actually so funny, but she took a video of her, like, taking my head up and I just have jam all over my face. And then I'm just, like, blabbering on, and she's trying to, like, listen to me. And I was like, listen, listen. Thank God there were no phones around when I, as Caitlin dialed on us. Oh, my God. I mean, there was no phones. There was no, there was no iPhone.

I'm so jealous. I was actually thinking this the other day. I'm so jealous of people who didn't have phones. I was a diabolical drunk caller. So horrible. I'm just saying just to document like my, my shit. Like that wouldn't have been pretty. It was not cute.

There was nothing cute about. I mean, and like there was just crazy. Some of it was funny, which is what tripped me up. Like I had, it was like the best of times. It was the worst of times. I had a lot of funny memories, but I also had a really, like a lot of like life threatening. I just remember this one night. I was home on break from college and my blacking out had gotten worse.

And I basically got home from a night out. My mom was sleeping upstairs. My mom and dad. And I went and put bagel bites in the oven. I never woke up to go get them. And I like woke up the next morning. There was like nine charcoal like like like and a note for my mom like Zach. He almost burnt the house down last night.

And like, I was just like, oh, that's cool. Like, what are we doing the night? Yeah. There was no ability to acknowledge. Yeah. I mean, I've heard you talk about, like, the insanity of alcoholism. Like, when do you, in college, do you start to? I just, like, things like that would happen.

Worse things like that, like, would happen. I have, like, a really, really bad night. And then I wouldn't even conceptualize that I should stop drinking. Like, literally, like, you wake up somewhere I don't remember. And then just come home. and do it all again the next night. Like, not even, I just, I don't know what it was about, it's just the insanity of the disease,

like really making that decision to pick up again after, like, ending up in the hospital, going to the hospital for withdrawals, and like continuing to drink after that. I had a lot of really, really, really bad experiences and the fact that they didn't scare me enough to stop drinking is like what really concerned me. So, like, my rock bottom moments, like all happened

I would say for the most part, like in college. Are you dating it? Like, do you have any relationship with you like boys, is that, you like boys, right? Is that, yeah, like, what does that look like in all of this? I mean, we got her laughing now. I wouldn't call it dating. Yeah. No.

I had a boyfriend that I dated through my freshman year of college from high school. And then I broke up with him right before my sophomore year. And like as soon as I got back to school, I was just like... Single. Single. Yeah, we can say that. Yeah, I was single. I, like, loved getting attention from boys.

I, like, got a lot of it. And I just, like, couldn't get enough of it. That was definitely a part of it. Like, I think that's what made me feel, like, the worst, I think after a night out. Like, if I had gone out and I had blacked out and, like, quote unquote, nothing bad happened, I would still be really anxious and depressed, but I wouldn't be, like, debilitated by my anxiety and I wouldn't feel suicidal. But if I woke up somewhere I didn't remember and, like, I'll just be, like, very honest.

Like, if I don't remember having sex with someone and I would be in the morning, like, what am I doing here? Like, what happened? And then I would just, like, leave and, like, never speak to that person again. But I would go home and just be, like, so horrified and, like, feel so horrible about myself, like, feel so violated, like, taking advantage of. But then I turn around and drink again. And, like, this thing, this would happen so often. Yeah, it's scary. And we've all been there. And I think there's a fun, and I appreciate you sharing that. I really do because I think a lot of

people are going to identify with, I identify with it. I mean, there were nights when I would wake up and, yeah, what happened here? And I would, I would be too terrified to even ask. You know, I would just run and hide. And then that would set off this, like, crazy. anxiety and assumption that everyone hates me or I did something wrong or whatever the mind is telling me but there's a fine line with all this stuff like right like having the like giving yourself permission to have the college experience which means like yeah you might have a one night stand or like you might over drink once it sounds like for you over the set of four years i mean that it was just a reoccurring yeah it was a pattern like i think there's

that was the issue for me that like this kept happening and I wouldn't want it to but it would keep happening but I couldn't stop myself from this happening. Just like repeating the same behavior and just really just became like sick of myself and sick of this happening. But I think particularly for young women like the sex conversation is really like taboo and it's kind of like talking about sex at all as a woman is kind of a losing game. But I think just like making young women feel less alone. And like, I think my step four was really, really, really difficult for me because as I was doing my sex inventory, I didn't really know what to write down because I'm like,

I'm not sure what was my part, their part, what here is blackout. Like, we're both drunk. What here is sexual assault. What here is elective. Like a month's consensual. I mean, you don't like, there's not a drone flying over the, you know, like following you a rat. I get it. hear you. So it was just, I think that was really difficult to come to terms with. And like,

I've been able to like put it to rest and like move on. And like my sponsor is like, it's all okay. Like not everything has to be like named as one thing or another. It's also all behind you and like now you have control. But it was really difficult in the moment. And it makes you, nothing makes you feel worse than that. I would say like feeling violated. Nothing makes you feel worse especially as a woman. Did you blame yourself or did you blame others? I think it's a combination. Like nobody forced me to drink that much. I don't know. That's all stuff that I was kind of like not sure about. But I don't want to like spend all of my time debating like how much was me, how much was alcohol.

No, that's fair. I just, I'm more just getting to the root of like the big question, which is like at what point, you know, are you able to forgive yourself? You know, because for a lot of people, I think even with multiple years of sobriety, there's these like moments that kind of play back for us. It's like, fuck, you know, like, and that sucks. I feel like for me with that component, I struggle with that in my sobriety, like making decisions like that in my sobriety because I felt like I thought that once I stopped drinking, like all of my patterns would stop. But like there are a lot of like I still, I'm 25. I'm single. I live in New York.

Like I still make stupid decisions all the time, like date the wrong people, whatever. And I think like allowing myself to still be human, still be young. young is like difficult because I feel like I put this pressure on myself. Like now that I'm sober, I have to be like the perfect person and make every right decision. But that's not the case. Like I can still make mistakes. No, you're sorry. I agree. I mean, like, look, you're here in the greatest city in the world and you deserve to have fun. And I think as a sober person, you have the ability to make decisions. And even if you do make a mistake, at least you know that you can own that, right? Like at least you know, like I was fully aware. And that for me has been a blessed.

because I've made many mistakes, but at least I know, like, yeah, I made that with my full right mind. Yeah. And like now I have the ability to like change the pattern too. Like I had lost the freedom of choice when I was drinking. Like if I had done something that I felt I didn't like didn't align with me, I would still turn around and do it again because I had no control when I was drinking. But now if I make a mistake, I say I don't like the way that they made me feel, I just won't do it again. And it's hard to put into words or described to another person who doesn't have, who doesn't have this thing that we both share. Yeah.

It's like, why would you do that again? I have no control. Yeah. I would always ask myself that I was like, what is wrong with me? Why do I keep repeating the same patterns? So what happens at Tulane? I mean, there's a Mardi Gras night in here. There's a, there's a call to the suicide hotline.

Let's talk about that one. Break it down. Like, tell me, that was, I wanted you to get sober. I want people to hear you get sober here. That is the worst, to this day, the worst day of my entire life. Do you remember the date? No, it was, Mardi Gras is in like end of February. What is it like the second?

Fat Tuesday is like Marty Gras means fat Tuesday in French. But that's on the Tuesday. But for Tulane, we have off on Monday and Tuesday of school. So it's literally just a, it's an alcohol extreme. It's a five-day bender. And that city is not. I mean, I was there for Super Bowl. It is not for sober people.

No. I love New Orleans though. I haven't been back since I graduated. But yeah, basically how it works is we start drinking on third. Thursday, literally could not wait. Start drinking on Thursday. Friday, like, we still have class. But, like, I was, I think I remember having an exam that I, like, went to drunk.

It was a psych exam. Like, drunk from the night before. Was you studying? Psychology is amazing. But, yeah, so drink Thursday. Do you have classes on substance abuse? Oh, yeah. I have a photo of, like, do you remember be real?

It was like, there's, I literally took a photo of me. and it's like Is that worth the same time of day or something? Yeah, it's like one camera faces out, one faces in. I had, it's a photo of me. And then the other side is alcohol use disorder on the screen. And I was in a really good student. Like I could outline, like, I'll tell you right now,

alcohol use disorder is 11 symptoms. And if you have four to five, you're severe. Or sorry, yeah, four to five, you're severe. Two to three, you're moderate. And like one, I think is like, mild or something like that. It's like a cluster of symptoms. Like I could tell you all of this and I could tell you the symptoms. I could tell you the definition or like whatever the description, but couldn't identify that that was me. Even though I'm like sitting there reading the symptoms and I'm like check,

check, check, check, check, you know. Yeah. But. John Hopkins has a test as I think is 25 questions. And I remember going 19 for 25. I was like, oh, that's not bad. And they're like three. You're like a Stone cold drunk. Yeah. All right, so you start drinking on Thursday. Start drinking at Thursday. Friday, you know, Dardy drinking. Dardy for the kids at home is a day party.

Day party. Then when you go in between the day, the dardy and night is you go to the parades. So the freshman drive, the freshman pledges, drive U-Hauls. We all get in the back of a U-Haul. They drive us to the parades. We go, come back, go out. Drugs? Any drugs in this?

Is there, is there? I was like a, if it's there, I'll take it person. So if it was offered to me, yeah, why not? But you just love to drink. I just love to drink. Yeah, I would say I didn't really, I loved to black out and like be unconscious, so I didn't like cocaine, but death didn't stop me from doing it. Can you dial that back first?

You love to black out. I loved being unconscious. What part of being unconscious did you enjoy? Everything. Just not feeling? Yeah. You're just like not even there. You would go out with the with the hopes of blacking out.

Yep. For a while. And then when I realized I only had one mode and could only block out, I was like, oh, I want to be able to go out and not black out. But like real talk for a second. Do you think your like childhood pain? Do you think some of the trauma, some of the grief, some of the stuff is like that is still in your soul from the 9-11 and just growing up in a house where there wasn't, like, does any

of that, like just to not feel? Or do you think? I mean, I wouldn't say it's unrelated, but I say like my anxiety and my depression, like my history of it, I think is a larger contributor. Anyone in your family, an alcoholic? I am the, I'll say that I am the only sober one. Yeah. In my like extended family.

My mom, no, dad had no history of it. Brother Normie, like they're all normies. my nuclear family. So maybe you just got this thing. But I've, like, it's like my, I think it's like great grandfathers of mine were like all alcoholics, but none that were sober. Yeah. Like my mom was like, oh, yeah, like, you know, all of your like great grandfathers are

alcoholics, like none of them were sober. Who is the first? So I want to get back to the Mardi Gras thing. By the time you get to Mardi Gras and this kind of rock bottom moment, which you're going to tell us about, has anyone up into that point shared with you? like, hey, Neva, we think you have a problem? It was never, we think you have a problem. It was always, this happened last night.

You need to be careful. You need to drink less. It was always like drink less. You know, be careful of drinking too much, blah, blah, blah. But I had to keep explaining to people like, I can't do that. I can't drink less. Like, it doesn't work for me. And like there were times where I could go to dinner and have like a few drinks,

but it was such a conscious effort to like I had to try so hard to not black out. And like I would go periods of time where I didn't black out because I was trying so hard not to. But then I wasn't enjoying it. Yeah. Like that's the part of alcoholism. That's hard to explain to people. Yeah. It's more painful to have two drinks than 20.

Yes. And it's not necessarily like I think my behavior, like the observable parts of my alcoholism, were easy to disguise, especially at Tulane, I was not the worst one by any means. But then the mental component, like the obsession and like the inability to control it from like a mental perspective, like those invisible sort of signs of alcoholism,

that's what I've had to explain to my friends to this day. And now they understand more. Because at first everyone was like, you just, because I was like, I think I need to get sober. And some people were like, I think you just need to like chill out a little bit, like whatever. Because when I said that to be, when I was like, I think I need some serious help.

I was like 21 and everyone was kind of like, no, like you just need to chill out. And I was like, guys, I can't. How cool is that? All right, take me through it. What happens? Okay, so at Mardi Gras, yeah, it's like Thursday drink, Friday drink. Saturday I get up. I make myself an espresso martini, which is just I literally made a coffee in my espresso and put

titos in it. And then I'm like blackout drunk already. Drinking Titos in college, that's pretty high. That's pretty good. And then I'm, I'm like putting on my makeup for the day, like, drinking. And then just like I'm blackout drunk by like 1 p.m. Like at the pregame that I'm having at my house, we're, you know, out and about. And then it's like comes to a point where like most people, they always say like,

Marty girl's a marathon, not a sprint. Like you have to like plan your time that you're not going to go out. You're going to eat. I'm not eating anything. I'm like, I'm drinking all day. And at the time where my roommates were like, we're going home from the dardy and you need to come home with us and we're going to eat and we're going to sleep and then we're going to go back out later. I won't go home. I stayed out by myself with some random guy I just met and I'm like hanging out with him all day.

And then like I come back to my apartment and my friends like want to go out and because they've napped, they've eaten whatever. And I just rail a line of Adderall and go back out with them until four o'clock in the morning. And then I wake up the next day and I had a really bad reaction to the Adderall. Like I woke up the next day after having drank for like four days straight and my heart was like beating out of my chest. And I had no voice literally could not speak whatsoever like from I don't know, it was like ripping the jewel 24 seven, you know, screaming, whatever nonsense. And then like my room is disgusting. Like there's alcohol everywhere, drugs everywhere. My bed is like covered in like self-tanner and makeup and like there's clothes all over the

floor. I'm like literally living in filth. I'm like this is disgusting. Like I cannot live like this. I'm so anxious and I like feel so horrible about myself and I'm like feeling this like feeling like very suicidal. But I'm like with a friend and we she had like lost her or whatever her phone broke. So we have to like, there's no, nothing's open during Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

Everything's closed. So we have to drive to Best Buy and like bumble fuck Louisiana. I'm there. There's my makeup is like this. And I'm in a Best Buy crying. And then I'm outside in the parking lot dry heaving. I, because there's nothing in my, like nothing. And so then we go back to my house and everyone else is out because nobody.

ruined their own good time by the third day. All my roommates are out. And my friend had left. And like, it's just me in my apartment. And I was like, okay, I need to do something in the way of like helping myself, like hadn't showered, nothing. And I just kind of strip my, like start to strip my bed. I'm like, okay, we'll start here. We'll just strip my bed. And I took all the sheets off. And I just sat on the corner of my unmade bed and just sobbed. And I was like in such a horrible place that I just was like, I don't know how I'm ever going to, like, stop this. And I just picked up the phone. I called the suicide hotline.

And then, like, the operator answered. And she was like, hello. And then I just, like, got scared and, like, hung up the phone. And then, like, my roommate had, like, come, one of my roommates had come home and came into my room. And she's, like, still one of my best friends to this day. We actually live in the same apartment building in the city. And she just, like, came in and just started, like, cleaning my room for me, which is, like,

she had like no idea at the time how like meaningful that was to me that someone just like came into like she didn't realize she was like kind of saving me like she came in and like all she did was start to like clean my room but like she had no idea like right before that that I like had really like thought that this was like going to be the end of my life um and I told her that like maybe a few months ago because I hadn't told anyone that um but yeah like I'm I'm really lucky to have the friends that I have. What are you feeling right now? When you recall that story, what is that comes up?

Is it sadness? Is it gratitude? Is it just a little bit of both? I just feel, well, all of the above, but I just feel really sad that I ever went through that. And that's so much of why I'm doing what I'm doing now and like being completely honest and not holding back at all because I want other people, particularly like young women like me.

I don't want anyone to ever go through that because it's the worst. That's the worst day of my life. and the worst thing I've ever had to go through. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. But also, like, so much gratitude. Like, my friends have stuck with me through everything. Like, everything. Like, they've seen me at my absolute worst,

and they've never made me feel bad about it. They've always been there for me. And, like, they're so proud of me. I'm just, like, overwhelmed with gratitude, Like sometimes I'm like, I can't believe you guys stuck around with me. And they're like, we love you. Like, we always have known. I think my friends have always known who I am at my core.

And like they never associated my drunk personality with me as a person, especially like my friends who I've known since I was like four years old that are still my best friends to this day. Like they always saw the best in me when I just saw the worst in myself. Yeah. I mean, look, sobriety has this incredible. it's an incredible tool. It's a bullshit remover, right? You very quickly find out when you get sober who your real friends are.

And it's the people that loved you when you were a mess and continue to love you as you kind of go on this journey and never really judge you. So I'm happy to hear that you have these women in your life that are so supportive. And what was your friend's name that clean the room? Ava. Shout out Ava.

Shout out Ava. I mean, you just probably wanted to be seen. Yeah. That's it. You just needed a hug. Like the hug came by way of her kind of like cleaning your room. Yeah. Do you get sober after that?

No. I drink for like three more years. Isn't that insane? I'm just curious about this. Does this suicide, do they follow up with you? No, they didn't. There's no callback. I mean, not that I recall.

Yeah, who knows, right? I mean, like. Not that I, I mean, it was all such a blur. But no, I picked up a drink four days later after that. Like, I'm drinking again that next weekend. Against your will. After claiming that I would not drink for a month. I was, like, declared, like, after that, I'm not drinking for a month.

And no one knew. I didn't tell anyone that that had happened. Like, that extreme. People knew, obviously I was, like, dying. I couldn't, you know, speak or anything. But I, like, had gone to the hospital for withdrawals from that. And then, yeah, like, four days later, I'm having a beer. And I'm like, oh, I'm just going to have a corona.

It's going to be a chill night. Right. Yeah. But like still, and then I, you know, that was my senior year. I graduate college. My whole family comes down. They're so proud of me. And I just like feel nothing.

I'm like, why are, I literally said to my mom, why are you proud of me? You sent me to college and I graduated on time. Like what? I don't feel good about myself. So you're a classic alcoholic. Yeah, like I was like I was, yeah, okay. Sure. I graduated college.

And then I just move home and like for that whole summer, that like postgrad summer, it's just like a disaster. To Rumson. Yeah. Living with mom. Yeah, it's just a disaster. And like my friends who didn't go to Tulane with me are seeing my behavior and like how I'm drinking and they're like starting to raise red flags. Some of them stopped going out with me and like wouldn't hang out with me if I was drinking.

And then my mom is like I'm not. She did because I wouldn't get out of bed. Like she would, my mom would sit in my room with me until I got out of bed, which even if it took like an hour, she wouldn't leave my room until. I got up because I was like so anxious and so depressed. She was like, you have to get up. And then I was, she was like, what's going on with you? And I was like, I really, I can't stop once I start drinking.

And she had like, when I was in college, she would always threaten to send me to rehab. And I would always be like, no, no, no, I'm not going to go. I don't want to go. Like, I want to stay at school. And like, I would always convince her out of it. I 100% should have gone to rehab in college. But then. Was there a party that wanted to and just couldn't say?

No, I literally was like, I'm fine. I'm in college. Like, it's fine. I'll get this under control. And that was what my mom's grappling with too, because she's like, she's like, I know you're in college and like whatever. That's why, I mean, I always say it's so hard to be a parent. Yeah.

So how the hell do you? How do I have kids? Like, I don't know. Like, are you just having a college experience? Are you like. Oh my God, I'm so nervous. My kids are going to get this. But it's fine.

I'll deal with it. I'm a long way away from having children. But, um, yeah. So when do you get sober? Like, how does it all, how does it all? So, yeah, tell me this because I want to, I want to dig in. I want to really hear more about. this last 14 months.

Yeah. It's fucking awesome what you're doing. So it's the summer and it's like August and I'm like thinking about just moving to New York. Like all my friends are moving to New York and like it's my favorite city. And that's my plan. But I'm like such a mess. Like I can't stop drinking and like my mom is seeing it. My friends are seeing it.

And my cousin was living in L.A. And he was like, why don't you come here? Like change the scenery. It'll be really good for you. And so I said to my mom. I was like, I think I want to move to L.A. And she was like, you can't go unless you stop drinking. Like, you're telling me that you can't stop once you start.

Like, I don't trust you to go unless you stop drinking. And she was like, you can go for three months. You can stay with your cousin if you don't drink for 90 days. And like, that was an agreement that I made with her and my therapist. Because my therapist was trying to get me sober at this point. She was having me do all this, pulling all the stops, harm reduction, the worksheets, the moderation management. Because she knew I just like wasn't going to stop.

So she just framed it as like. like very smart woman framed it as like, we're going to get this under control. Yeah, but I just picture of that therapist had someone like you to show you that would have been so impactful. Yeah. So then I'm like, okay, I was weighing my options. It's like I stay here and I do nothing with my life and I keep drinking. Or I moved to L.A. for three months and try and get my life under control.

So I go and I do it. I move to L.A. I get an internship for three months for the fall. In fashion PR, I was like, what do I like to do? fashion. Let's just, I'll work in fashion. I go and move to L.A. I live with my cousin for three months. And like, month two, I'm like, I feel really good. I feel really good. And I'm like, I think I'm going to stay here. I think I'm going to get a full-time job here. But mind you, I'm taking mushrooms and smoking weed almost every day, probably every day. So I'm not sober, but I'm not drinking.

And like, that's my main issue. And I'm not seeing like the California sober thing as an issue. I start dating my boyfriend at the time. Like we start dating like within the first 90 days of my sobriety. I'm like. The 90 days of sobriety though, you are smoking. Sorry, not sobriety. That's fine. No, look, I mean, that word, for me, we're self.

I mean, like you were living better than you were living and then you were at Tulane. And if that was a step that you needed to take to ultimately get to abstinence and fuck it, It worked, you know? So I get to the 90 days and I'm like getting there. I'm like, I think I'm going to do a full year. And like at the end of the year, like, I'll be good. I'll be fine. I'll be out of college.

When is this? This is right. Like, this is like out of college. Like I'm 22 at this point. 2020. Three. 2023 is when I move. And then I do the 90 days and I'm like, I'm bumping it to a year.

I'm like, I have a new job in California, full time job. Like I have this boyfriend and I'm like, you know, I'm so happy like over the moon. I'm not drinking. And like I had explained to him. I was like, I am not drinking, but I didn't say like I'm an alcoholic. I hadn't like breached that territory where I was like, I think I'm an alcoholic because I also didn't know if I was going to want to drink again. But I kind of was like, I'm going to like do the whole year of not drinking. He was like, okay, like that's awesome. Like that's super inspiring. But then like as our relationship progressed and as I wasn't drinking as much, I was like, oh shit. I'm like having all these realizations. I'm like, I think my problems were really bad. And then I like get to the end of the year. It's like day, I literally drank on day 364. And I like had decided I'm like, I'm going to drink again. Like.

And then I was like thinking about moving home and and like things were not going well for me. I was like really miserable. I was really homesick. And I drink and then I relapse for like three months. Yeah. Let's see. I drink in September. Stop drinking in December.

So like yeah, about three months. I'm like drinking again. It's an absolute. Like I'm going through a breakup both my grandparents die in the same week my dog dies like all in like a month and I leave my job I'm really homesick like and I use all of your drink a choice. What are you drinking? Tequila. Tequila. Yeah. And so I'm just like all over the place and like yeah, my my blackouts happen quicker. My depression is really bad like a one day hangover turns into like three and then I get to a point where I like am with my friends and I was like super depressed. I like black. out and I start like telling everyone at this party how like depressed I am that I like want to kill myself and then just a general hang like with people that you met while you're like hey yeah hey guys I'm really depressed I want to kill myself and I'm like with like with my best

friends from growing up because I'm home in New York for like the holidays and the next day my best friend Caroline sits me down and she's like so this is what happened last night you were a much better version of yourself when you were not drinking I think you need to stop drinking And like this was like the first time that someone had sat me down and said like, What was her name? Caroline. She's like, it's okay. Love Caroline.

She's the best. As with her last night. She was like, it's okay that you can't drink. Like I had always thought that I had to figure this out. Like I would like not drinking would mean failure that I didn't have the self control to do this thing. Like I had to figure this out. And she was like, you don't have to like try anymore. Like, it's okay, you can stop.

But just double-clicking on that, I think, for the listener, like, we're talking about a straight A student, a graduate in four years, a good athlete, good home. That's a confusing part about alcoholism and the stigma, right? And why it's so important that you're using your platform today to smash that stigma. Yeah. Right? I mean, like, that's... I mean, yeah, I grew up like the rest of my friends, like, and they're normies.

And I just... Anormy for people listening is a person that can drink alcohol and not, you know, end up in... Ruin their life. Yeah. But yeah, so she has that conversation with me. And then the next day, my mom sees me and she's like, you are so miserable. She's like, you're a shell of yourself. Like, I'm tired of seeing you like this.

Aren't you tired of feeling like this? And it's like, yeah, I am. And I just like, I never drank again after that. Both of those conversations, they were not coordinated, but like compounded. I never drank again after that. Maybe they were coordinated. Maybe God or... I don't think...

I don't think... Maybe. And then... Are you a spiritual person? Yeah. I have a really strong relationship with God. Yeah. Yeah.

I pray a lot. I think it's gotten a lot stronger with A.A., definitely. But I think growing up, like, I always talked to my dad. That's, like, my, like, higher powers. My dad, I just am, like, like, say hi. I'm just like chat. Keith. Keith.

Just like chat with him. Keith Coleman. Yeah. So I just kind of chat with him. So your mom says your mom and Caroline kind of penetrate this delusion that you can drink. Yeah. And then I agree to stop drinking. But then I smoke for like six more months.

And then that's my sobriety date. May 18th, May 17th. I had a THC soda from the slice and spice deli on third Ave. And then that's a hell of a way to go out. Yeah. Let me tell you the slice. But my, the last day I ever drank, I, the last day ever drink was a lot more eventful. The last day I ever had any substance was not very eventful.

I was like, ooh, this makes me feel weird. I think I'm done. That's typically how it goes. Because, because, and people, I think, get that confused. It's the emotional bottom. It's the feeling. It's just, I'm fucking tired. Yeah, I'm done.

I was like, I'm done. I think it's weird because I couldn't like fully see that I deserved better. But I, I think there was like a. shred of hope that like I could be a better person than and I like deserved better out of my life than what I had because I really I have always I've been given like everything like I I never felt like I mean obviously my dad that's like the huge missing piece in my life but like I really have been given such a wonderful life and I'm I'm so grateful and I was like I'm gonna ruin everything that's good for me and that I have like my friends have been so patient my family has been so

patient and like I've been given every opportunity that anyone could ever ask for and I'm going to ruin it. Yeah. And I just I feel like it's important, Niva, because there's a lot of conversations in the recovery communities today that swirl around harm reduction and medication management and California sober. You mentioned it. And in your story, it's got a little bit of everything, right? And that's why I'm, I'm more open-minded today, 15 years, almost 15 years absent from drugs. and alcohol to let people kind of have their own journey, right? And for you, it meant smoking we putting the booze down, smoking weed for six months, and then eventually you get, like, you start going to AA or what happens? Yeah, I think that's why I kind of said, like, I tried

everything not to be sober. Like, I really did. I tried every method in the book, every, like, I literally tried everything. So that's how I know, like, this is the only cop for me. important what you're doing because if I when I heard AA before I knew what AA was I was like I am not going to those fucking church basemen. Me too. Those people. And then I show up there and I'm like, fucking people are awesome. Yeah. My first meeting was I went after I had been dry.

I had quit smoking and I went to my first meeting like three months after that. So like I was had not drank for like nine months and hadn't smoked for three. months and I just was like feeling really alone. Like I was like, I think I need to meet another sober person. Who made that? Did you just do that? Me. Yeah.

I was- How do you know about A.A.? I have, I like know someone who goes to meetings. So I knew about it. But I just like told my mom, I was like, I think I need to meet sober people. Like I think I might try A.A. And she's like, I think that's a great idea. Like I think you should. So I just found a meeting here in the city.

Good for mom too. Yeah. Most parents should be like, you don't, you're not like those people. people. I think she had seen enough. But yeah, so I go to a meeting, I go to a women's meeting, cried the entire time. Like I sat there and I was like, I'm Neva and I'm an alcoholic. But it was like so, I was so relieved and like to be in a room with like women, young women. And like there were some people that looked like me. And like as as shallow as this may sound, like go up to the person that reminds you of you. Like go up to the person that looks like you. Like there was this

literally like this blonde girl who was so obviously like a model and I was like I want what she has like she's so put together so pretty so insightful like that's who I and I like was too stunned like when I first got there was kind of like what is she doing here like she just looks too like what is she doing this meeting and I'm like wait I'm in this meeting all these other women are in this meeting but like that I got really lucky that my first meeting was so great because I've been to meetings where I'm the only female and the only person with a full set of teeth. So it's like you really have to, you have to go to, and like the meetings I go to are like most of them are like my friends or people that are like me. So I would like a good piece of advice is like, like go to a bunch of meetings and find which ones

work for you. Because you might go to some that you're like, that's not my people. But don't like you have to swallow your pride. Like I thought it was like not a real alcoholic. I wasn't like these people. I'm exactly. exactly like these people. Well, that's why the work is so important. And part of that work is really getting your story down on paper and like reading it out loud and saying, oh, wow, like I really, I have this thing. Yeah. So, acknowledgement that we are alcoholic.

When do you, so you get to AA, this is like, I guess if my math is right, like 11 months ago, you start to go to A. Like you're 14 months over. Yeah. And when do you turn the camera around? Oh, I had already You started Yeah, so basically my journey I've like, it's been like from the beginning

It's been online So like I think everyone's watched me go through it Like I talked about when I went to my first AA meeting After having stopped drinking And like I talked about like getting a sponsor Which like came after going to meetings I talk about all of the different phases of my sobriety Like people have been here

who have been following me from the beginning have seen me change the way that I have done my recovery because in the beginning I was like not going to meetings and then I have like some I'm like oh wait now I'm going to meeting so like do you have you gotten any hate people questioning people don't like that I talk about the program

but I like tell me more about that I just went off on someone like also my lawyer was like you lose a certain amount of privileges when you're a public figure so like you can't like go after people the way that they can go after you. So like be careful. But this woman the other day, like, I forget what she was like, she was like, this is whatever, like basically told me the 11th tradition. And I was like, if you want to keep life saving addiction treatment a secret, that's your business, but stay out of mine. I was like, I don't think there's any reason. I'm not,

I'm also not sharing what other people are sharing in a meeting or, you know, saying that, oh, I saw XYZ at this meeting and I'm going to this meeting. I don't talk about what meetings I go to, what other people I see there, what I hear there. Like, I respect that part of the tradition. But this is also something that was established, what, 100 years ago? Not 100 years ago. What, when 1940s? Yeah, we're almost 90 years ago.

And the world is a very different place. And like the reason that some of my friends went to AA or people that I know have gone to AA is because someone they saw on the internet or me, they see a normal. girl like I post I like one video went viral of me posting like a a fit check and you see that and you're like whoa this is a normal girl like I like her outfit where is she going she's going to AA oh normal young whatever people go to AA like this is socially acceptable like you have to you have to like see these things they plant an idea yeah it's hard it's hard and then like get hate like people like whatever calling me crazy or whatever for like

stories that I share online like I'm not going to deny that I was insane. There's an element of freedom that comes with telling the truth that people don't need to understand, right? And so for you, the fact that you're willing to share your story, the willing that you're, the fact that you're willing to, like, not be judged. And there's going to be, they are going to get you. Like, there's going to be moments where you...

You have to have a level of security to do this. Like, if I was, I could never do something like this in Activision. addiction. I was so insecure and had not a shred of confidence. But now I do. I don't, I'm unfazed by those kind of comments because I know like my primary purpose and what it's helping so many people. Yeah. No, you're helping people. It's been hard for me. You know, I've talked about this a lot. I think it's hard for anyone who's got any public facing image because of the idea that if I drink, then does that give people permission to say AA doesn't work? You know, and that's one of my biggest fears. But is that a reason to not share your story? No. I don't think so.

No. I mean, I think you and I could probably have a longer conversation about this, which is just around the fact that yes, A.A. is old and outdated. And there are traditions and steps that have made that program very, very, very, very sacred and special. And there's also an element of my story and your story that other people need to see so that they even get the willingness to get into a treatment center or ask for help or to just smoke weed for six months, you know, like you did. Yeah. In order to eventually finally realize their full potential and get sober.

And there's a lot of, like, I don't, I talk a lot about sobriety. I don't always talk about AA. Yeah. Right. And there's a difference. Yeah. I think just people need to be aware that it's a tool that is out there. Some people don't know about AA, which I'm fortunate that like I knew about it, but some people have no idea it exists. So can you just share with people where you are at in your personal recovery working steps, taking other women through steps? What's, what's where are you? What are you doing on a daily basis? I am finishing up step four right now. Nice. I have a sponsor. She's amazing. I had a temporary sponsie just because her sponsor was like out of, like, out of the country for like six weeks. So that was my like dive into it. But I don't want to take on a sponsie until I finish the steps completely. But yeah, I still have I still some work to do. I have some amends to me. But you're like showing up, sharing meetings doing all. Yeah. I speak at meetings. I chair my home group for the next six months. Like, you know, help people all the things. Do you feel your alcoholism showing up and you're influencing?

Do you find yourself getting the dopamine rush when a reel does well or someone's liking something or you're getting the comments, the positive? Have you found that at all? Or do you? Honestly, no. Yeah. I think I've just come to a point where I'm not concerned, especially with what I do. Like, I'm not concerned with the likes or anything like that. I look at my comments and I look at my DMs.

That's where I see the impact. So I don't really, yeah. Like if a video also like you never really know with the algorithm like some of my videos will get millions and millions of views and some of them get like a thousand. So you I really am unfazed by that. Also I've gotten DMs from people being like I can't follow you. I can't like your stuff and I can't comment because I don't want anyone to know that I'm relating to this. But I wanted to tell you that what you're doing is so impactful and you've helped me so much. So it's like I've had similar messages. Yeah. So it's like. So it's like. I'm. I'm not worried about my follower count or my likes because for every person who is interacting with them, there's probably a thousand people who aren't. So especially in this space. But then also, like, there's obviously the part of it where I'm also like an influencer, not just, I don't just talk about recovery.

Like, I just talk about. But that might be the most important thing you do. Yeah, because it just shows people that you can live, I live a normal life. Like I'm a normal 25 year old girl living in New York. who likes clothes, who has hobbies, who does all these other things. And so many of the opportunities I have through this are unrelated. Like I went to, I did a podcast yesterday, a fashion one. And then I went to a fashion event last night.

I'm going to an event tonight that's not related to my sobriety going an event tomorrow, not related to my sobriety. So it's really important, I think, to not make like one thing the focal point of your life. And two, like addiction and sobriety. are like intimidating words. Like they can be jarring for a lot of people. I'm so used to using them, so I'm unfazed by them. But like maybe someone, some girl, for example,

will see one of my videos. And then she'll click on my profile and be like, wait, this girl's sober. And that might plant an idea. So she might come for a video make that's like funny or she likes my outfit. And then she'll realize that I'm sober. And maybe if it's not her,

it's someone she knows that she might reference my account. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean. Kind of attraction. promotion. Well, that's what I was going to say. I mean, for the people listening at home, like, you know, what Niva is explaining is that there are brands out there that will pay Niva to show up somewhere to market their product, to represent them well. And the thing I always go back to is if I was a brand and I was going out and looking for talent, I would want someone that is sober

because they're reliable. They show up. They're going to follow directions. They're going to be on time. I mean, these are all the reasons why I've enjoyed being sober because I'm not, my life isn't one big question mark anymore. You know, like, could you imagine trying to show up for a Celsius event, hammered? Like, come on. Oh, my God. Like, yeah, I could not do any of this if I was still drinking. So what is your, what is your mission?

What is your mission with all this stuff? Like, what, what, what, what's the why behind it all? Like, the simple answer is to just set an example so that people see sobriety as an option because I definitely didn't see it as one. Especially for young people who are struggling to grapple with the fact that they may be an alcoholic or an addict, I think just normalizing it and breaking the stigma. I really do, like not to gas myself up, but I really do think I'm like a perfect example of like someone in like early recovery. Because I have all of these other aspects of my life. Like sobriety is it's the thing I'm most proud of.

but it's not the most important thing about me. Like I don't walk around all day and just talk about how I'm sober. I go do normal things. I hang out with my friends. Go work out, go on a walk, travel. Like, my life is so big. And I think a lot of people are worried about that getting sober is going to like make them miss out on things. But my life is so much bigger than it was when I was drinking.

I don't really know what my exact mission is. I guess just to help as many people as possible and like to connect with people on a personal. Write a personal mission statement and come back to me. Okay. I need to write. good it's a good someone made me do it and mine's evolving and i kind of blew mine up recently but it's something that i think about a lot and i think could be helpful what's yours i have a i have a long-winded answer yeah like i mean to let people know that there's a better like an easier an easier way to live

and not not just from a sobriety perspective but just life in general like that we don't have to fight we don't have to be mean we don't have to spend time or people we don't like it, we don't want to. Like there's all these things. And as a people pleaser, I feel like I lived a lot of my life showing up in a way that just didn't feel authentic, right? And so we'll do it and we'll share it. We'll get back to that and we'll share it because I think it's important to know that.

And what about shame? Like this idea, like part of your confidence, I am just curious your relationship to shame today. Yeah. I now have no shame, but it was not always that way, and it definitely was something that I really had to work through. I was so ashamed to myself while I was drinking. And then in early recovery, when I really was grappling with all the things that I had done and that it happened to me while I was drinking, I was still really ashamed and still felt really guilty about a lot of things. And I really just had to go through them and like feel them and just like get everything down on paper, like my step one, my step four, and really just be completely honest

and share in meetings. Like, I shared a meeting this week about something that I was like going through right now and just being open and honest, like letting other people help you. And I think to saying things that I never thought I would say out loud to another person, saying it to a fellow and having them either say like, that's okay or like I've done that is so helpful because like I was saying something that I was like really ashamed of to my friend and she was like, I've done the same thing. Do you think I need to be ashamed of myself? And I said, no, I think you're amazing. I think you're so strong and I'm like so proud of you and I love you. She's like, I feel the

same about you. So you just shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. Like that, that is so helpful and so powerful. Like I am who I am. I've done what I've done. Like I think my future is so much more important than my past. And I am also not ashamed of my past. Like, okay. Yeah, I mean, look, what I get from you is that sobriety is one of your greatest assets. And that's what I believe about my life, too. It's just like, this is a gift. It's been given to me until the damage I would have done in the last 15 years if I was still drinking, whether or not I was even still here alive would have been catastrophic.

Yeah. So. I think those stories that I've like was so ashamed of are what have been most helpful for other women in the program. Like if someone has come to me and said they were ashamed about something or they're going through something and I'm able to sit there and tell them like, it's okay. What's the coolest moment in your 14 months being sober? I've had a lot of cool moments. I feel like when I and this does happen a lot like when I hear someone say that they've gotten sober because of me, that's obviously so cool. But in my own like personal life, just hearing how my.

friends are proud of me and how, let me think. I don't know. That's humble. I mean, look, I know there's been like New York Times articles about you and you've done some pretty cool shit. So like the fact that you're like sitting here saying that your friends are proud of you, that's enough. That's cool.

That could be the answer. I don't think it's anything like crazy, but that's what. Yeah. I like literally cry. Like I've cried so much in my recovery. Like just because I'm so grateful. I think there's always like when good things happen in my. my life or when people do nice things for me, I just like cry. I'm so grateful. Like my and I just don't,

I feel like I got like all my emotions back. I was like honestly very numb. But like this year on my birthday, my best friend who had sat me down for the intervention got me like the sweetest gift and like all my friends got me something together and like we were all at brunch or whatever. And then just afterwards like we're standing outside. I just start like hysterically crying. And I'm like, I love you guys so much. Like I'm just so appreciative. And I think it was a combination of like not thinking that I would make it to the age of 25 and that all these people would be still around me to celebrate it with me.

So I'm just so grateful. Like I'm so happy in my life. Yeah. So feel gratitude is the last thing I'll say. And then I'll give you our getaway question. You can start thinking about it, which is why do you keep going, which is just my mantra. But I think. it's something I want to explain to the listener because you've answered a couple questions very

I think honestly and the most recent thing you said is like I think I'm the perfect person like the perfect symbol for recovery like and and the thing I want to explain or the thing that I'm proud of you about is your ability to own that and be proud and have the confidence to say that out loud because I know there's plenty of things that you will tell you. know people that aren't great about you, but to really know your strengths and vocalize that, I think is so beautiful. And for me, that's not cockiness. That's just sobriety. Like, it allows us to be honest and, like, be proud of our qualities that we are enjoying. So, yeah, I just want to flag that. Because you, like, you put in, like, a little precursor, like, I know this might sound, but it's, like,

I think it was beautiful. I'm not a perfect person. I'm never going to claim that I have plenty of flaws. But I'd say like for this, like I'm the perfect voice of recovery also, I think, because I can admit that too. Like I can, I'm very honest. Like I really have nothing to hide. I have no shame. Like, the first person you have to believe in is yourself. Yeah. You're doing that.

All right. Why do you keep going, Neva? I keep going so that other people feel like they can. Beautiful. Where do people find you? At Neva underscore, underscore Coleman. Double underscore. Double underscore.

You got to pay the other Neva Coleman to get the one underscore. On Instagram and TikTok. More followers on TikTok or Instagram? Instagram. I like Instagram better. It's more user-friendly. Yeah, and I feel like the community, like there's interacting with our people is a little bit easier there. Definitely.

I mean, in full transparency, I've never actually logged into TikTok. The team does that, but. No need. Yeah. Well, Neva, I'm rooting for you. I can't wait to see where your journey goes. I appreciate you sharing this time with us. Very grateful you could be anywhere right now

and just spend an afternoon with us is super cool. I saw Caitlin in the wings over here, like nodding along in identification. So she's obviously become a friend of yours and she's close to our community and Jay's doing this thing. So that's all for today. Thank you for having me.

Thank you.