the zurkie show - are you someone your soulmate could meet

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

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What's the timeline of finding someone we want to love for the rest of our lives? When is it supposed to happen? For a lot of my friends, it seemed to have happened in high school. They eloped, and now they're together, happily ever after having kids. For my college friends, they're kind of struggling in the work world, finding someone that they truly like. A lot of them are going through this, you know, dishwasher cycle of being on the apps, getting into a situation ship thing, and then leaving. How are we supposed to know when and if we found the one? And is that something we even want?

Well, that leads me to today's question. I've never really thought of myself as the attractive type. I had a low self-esteem. I had trouble keeping any sort of friendships. And I really felt like I had no interesting traits about myself. But as I got older and I started to figure myself out, I started getting the attention that I wish I had when I was younger. It's turned into a bad habit of searching for that quote-unquote perfect relationship within any person that I meet.

And I just feel like the last days of finding someone that's perfect for me are approaching as I start wrapping up the final years of college. How do I stop unintentionally searching for that perfect person and getting out of this mindset? Also, Zerky, I just wanted to say that your content has been great and it's been encouraging me to spend more time alone and really reflecting on the important things and the important questions that. I should be asking myself. So I wanted to give a short, warm-hearted thanks to you. Dojan, thank you so much for the question. I'm sure a lot of you have experienced this. The pressure of finding the one, you end up getting into some kind of fling, relationship thing, and early on, you are putting this insane standard on the entire thing, thinking that this is your shot at finding true love, when in reality that's not how it works.

True love isn't something you can manufacture. And a lot of us go through life thinking that that's the case. And I've witnessed this on people in my family, unfortunately, elders, that they force themselves into love. They become afraid of the fact that it's taking longer than it should. And instead of accepting that, okay, I might not find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with immediately after college. It might take a little bit of time. they start to just grab on to anything they can, right? It's like they're falling through a jungle

and they're grabbing onto the branches as they parachute down. Here's the deal. Your fear of time is very valid. Because when we look at the entire scope of what it means to be with somebody, let's say you want to have a family. There is more risk with, you know,

becoming pregnant as you get older. There are more risks that come with age. Now, don't get me wrong. That doesn't necessarily mean that you can't do it. But as time progresses, I would say that there is a reality where your window kind of shortens in terms of not only health and people and proximity, but also the time that you have, you get older, you don't know what kind of health problems you might have. You don't know where you're going to live, what kind of job you might have.

These are all things that will affect your search. So how do we simultaneously accept that we want to have somebody who's the one and the one that's right for us, but also realize and accept that it's going to take its own time. It's going to be its own journey. Here's my honest opinion about it. And I don't know if, uh, if it's the right one, but it's worked for me, and maybe there's something you can take away for yourself.

I think that the one should come from and be attracted to the life that you want to live, the way that you want to be. You going out and trying to peacock dance, right, and trying to attract somebody who you do, not have the sustainability to keep, it won't work. If you have some kind of goal or objective, you want to live some kind of life, let's say you want to travel a lot, you want to live on a boat, or you want to be somebody that is really rooted in their community at home, right? And you just operate within your circle. I think it's very foolish to try to look for somebody before you

have figured out what you want your day-to-day to look like. Because let me give you a scenario. you are fighting tooth and nail, right? Ah, to get somebody. You finally get them. And then you realize that you actually want to work really hard on a passion project. Let's say you love building model ships, and a model ship takes you 200 hours to build, okay? You need to spend 20 hours a week building this ship. If that person isn't your true love, they're not going to understand that.

They're not going to accept that. They're going to look at that and be like, why do you want to spend so much time away from me? You don't love me. You don't like me. What the heck? In the beginning of the relationship, you were there all the time. And now you want to build, you know, these model ships as a way of getting away from me.

That's not a true love. Now the question becomes, well, how do I chill out in relationships? How do I not just impose in the back of my mind this idea that, oh, this might be the one? I think you need to stop thinking 40 chess moves ahead. Dojan, it's probably better that you haven't met your love of your life or the one right now. You're coming out of college. I don't know if you truly know who you are or if you've started to go down that journey. I'm at the very beginning of that.

I'm probably like a year or two years deep into that and it's still, it's not easy. with that being said, I think you can look at this as kind of a blessing. Oh, okay, I didn't tie myself down to anybody. I don't have a family with somebody that I don't want to, you know, that I can't stand and I can't exist around. So now it's about really championing the characteristics that build you, that make you feel really good and make you feel seen. It's another thing that people just don't understand, I think, when it comes to love.

And trust me, I'm no expert. I'm not someone who I've been in millions of relationships. No, no, no, no. But what I can tell you is, if you want to be in a relationship with somebody that matters, you need to be seen in the right spaces. That means you need to be seen doing the things that you would want your partner to respect about you. If you're somebody that loves playing soccer, you've got to play soccer, right? And maybe you'll meet your partner that way.

Maybe not. If you're someone that loves to be involved with their faith, then you need to go to faith groups, right? and you have to be involved in those things, and you have to do things in order to be seen. But at the end of the day, this pressure that I think a lot of people feel to immediately find the one and love, you're operating out of fear.

It's not that you actually want a relationship. You are just afraid to be alone. And I understand that fear. But in my opinion, if you're operating out of that, you won't find somebody genuine. You will find somebody to patch up the ship instead of figuring out how you can sail it forward. Because people don't understand that relationships take sacrifice.

A lot of it. They take a lot of time. You start to think about you and another person instead of yourself. You can't just, you know, leave the toilet seat up all the time. You have to be very, very cognizant of who you are sharing your space with, who you are sharing your life with. And finding the one, although I think every one, needs to experience it and should and there is somebody out there for you, I think that it comes with patience and honesty. Are you somebody that you would want to spend the rest of your

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Steep. Flip. Or that. And enjoy. Via rail. Love the way. Or do you kind of feel like, well, if I'm honest about it, like, I don't know. I don't have any stability in my life.

I'm kind of, you know, I tell myself that I want to do certain things and travel certain places. I haven't really done that. And I don't mean to say that to you as, you know, in a way of like, oh, you know, you have to be super mean on yourself and realize that you're going to be a lonely loser forever. That's not what I mean, but what I do mean is there's a level of honesty that you have to have with yourself about where you're at in life. And man, if two years ago I attracted the one, I would be cooked. I would have nothing to give the one because I would be so insecure about everything about me and my life and what I'm doing and my finances and my own like, childhood insecurities I need to work through. There will never be a perfect time.

Don't get me wrong. There's never going to be a point where you're like, I figured everything out. Come, who want me? No. But on the contrary, you are stressing yourself out by looking at every single relationship as, is this the one or not? Now, it's good to have standards. it's good to realize

this person, they want to be a flight attendant and they want to be gone from the house for majority of the week. I want somebody that I could live a life with together in one place. And realizing this is just, it's not going to work. Like the lifestyles don't match up. The values, this is the most important thing.

The values don't match up. up, right? If you are not aligning on simple things, like, what do you think about me having a hard time? Would you support me? Do you value honesty? Or are you somebody that's more cryptic? That's what matters. And I think it's good to talk about these things.

But in the same vein, when something is going, you know, well and good, immediately being like, I can't wait to marry this person. Slow down. slow down marriage is a commitment and if you make it with the wrong person it will sour your life now you can always recover from it right then you know but

it's a huge step and instead of feeling you know feeling pressure just because your friends around you are getting married or you know everyone in your in your faith group is suddenly getting a ring on their finger it doesn't mean you need to follow suit It doesn't.

I'm chilled out. I'm waiting. Right now the time is not right. It's not. I have other things I'm focused on. And thankfully, I'm with a partner that understands that. And they're like, okay, we're good. But they also have their own thing about wanting security

and wanting to have someone for the rest of their lives. You've got to come to the conclusion that's right for you. And if you do feel like, hey, I have. what it takes right now to bring a partner into my life genuinely. Like I want to do that. Then you have to put yourself out there. You have to get crafty. A lot of people used to meet through mutual friends. Hit up your friends. Be like, you got somebody to take me, you know, take me out on a date. I'm bored. There's more to life than finding the perfect car. But finding the perfect car can help you

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you meet the one volunteering where you least expect them. You meet the one somewhere where in the beginning, you probably aren't like drop dead like, oh my God. No, it's probably a slower burn. And then you realize, wait a minute, like this person's really cool. They're super interesting.

They're super interested in me. That's like something that I've always wanted. They're really curious about what I'm doing. They're really funny. They appreciate the things that I do. Okay, I want to go on a date and monitor it. I think that a lot of us like to put this fixation and this like pressure right away on something, you know, that's good. Let it be a good thing.

When you see a, you know, a tomato plant is growing and you see that the bulbs of the tomatoes are nice and green, if you snap it right off, right, you put that pressure, it's going to taste terrible. It's probably not going to, it's not going to bloom. You have to let things bloom. Things happen with time. But Zerky, I don't have a lot of time. What if? I feel like I need to have this right away.

What if? You know, I want to start a family and I need to do these things. I understand that's valid. If you're feeling the pressure, do things that are in your control to make it happen. And if you are also like feeling the pressure of like this is my last year of college, I don't know if I'm going to find the one. this life is long. Some people don't find their partner until their 30s, until their 40s, right? But you have to maximize everything that's in your control.

And I think you need to bet on the fact that even if in this life, you don't find somebody to share the life with, you live it for you. And you do things that you love and interest you. Then you can never go wrong. a relationship should be in addition it shouldn't be the thing that is the sole driver of your desires of your interests of your appreciation for existing it should be something that you get to do not you have to do and i understand that you want it everyone wants it i get it but also understand that maybe your focus your your laser focus on trying to find somebody is making you blind

Instead, you're having these horse blinders that's only looking at one thing. You're not looking at the other relationships that you should be cultivating in your life. You're not looking at the other people that are in your circle. You're only being like, I have this type, I have this kind of person I want to be with, Slim Thick Brunette, whatever it is, okay, whatever the internet has made your type to be. Slow down. Finding a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a wife, a husband, a partner, It shouldn't be a job application process.

It should happen because both of you have something to give. Both of you recognize how wonderful the other person is and realize, you know what, this life, it's going to get difficult on my own. I'd love to share somebody. What? Wait. I mean, unless you're into open marriages, no, don't share anyone. I'd like to share this existence with somebody else. Zerk, that's a lot of hope.

What if I'm down in the trenches? if you're down in the trenches, stay in the trenches or change. Let it go. Let it go. You're in your 20s worrying about getting married. I understand. Let it go. What have you done for yourself in the last year?

Truly. You told yourself you were going to go on some kind of hiking trip. You're going to do Pacific Crest. You're going to go to California and visit your long, long, lost best friend from high school that you haven't talked to in a couple years. If you haven't done any of that, why are you so fixated on still getting in a relationship and getting some kind of action or whatever? Like, I would put so much stress on the fact that I was going through a drought, not being with somebody. Or that, you know, I was, that insecurity made me feel like I was never going to find the one. But in reality, it was just a cover up, man.

It was a cover up for all the other stuff that was going on in my life, honestly, all the other pressure. So really think about it Where is this pressure coming from? Because let's be honest I mean there is there is a time clock too Like it's it's better to I mean I don't know because I don't have one But it seems like from probably what your family has told you

Probably from what you've experienced And just overall in society we're told it's better to have a family earlier Like yesterday get on it But that's also like, that is not your life. Is that your reality right now? Do you have enough money to have a family? I don't. You know?

There are a lot of things at play. And the sooner you're able to depressurize yourself from all of the expectations of when you go into something, it needs to be perfect or else. You could ruin a really good thing. You could actually ruin having the one because you are so set on, well, we aren't exactly the same in the way we treat our family. Why can't you have differences? It's another thing. We look at these other characteristics within a person instead of, do they treat me well? Do I feel good with them?

Do they treat other people well? And does our love feel good? but instead we look at well what job do they have how are they doing and these are all important things that you got to you know you got to take into consideration but that just being the sole thing of like no you're shortening your horizons it's the same thing with thinking that preferences are standards i know you like a six-foot guy your husband might not be six foot foot Are you okay with that? Or are you going to literally fight on this hill until the end of time?

And who knows? He might be like 5-8, but he might have some genetics that make your kids 6-4. And then you might have a kid going to the league, you know? When it comes to love, you have to figure out what you can control. And what you can control is how you treat people, the places that you go to, the time that you spend. And in my experience, relationships and love come from attraction, right? You were attracted to somebody. And in order to build attraction, you need your magnet to be strong.

If you don't have the confidence, if you don't have, I mean, I'll be honest, the finances, dates are not cheap. Famously $60 is the minimum, right? And if you don't have the grit, the perseverance to go through dating, getting your heartbroken, recognize where your priorities lie. Build your own garden. Build your own garden. And get in depth with it.

Find the right flowers. Tend to it with the right people. The more that you allow yourself to be swayed by your friends, by your family that are putting pressure on you to find, like, find somebody, find somebody. The less time you actually have to focus on. how can I become a person that will attract the person I want to be with? If you want to be a super fit couple, you need to find somebody that goes to the gym, right? You got to go to the gym. You got to be in there, put in the work.

Although people will tell you that love is a numbers game and you just have to go on infinite dates. I don't believe it. My opinion is that love is an attraction game and there are parts of it we do not understand fully. and so we have to control what we can the most. And we can control the dates we go on, the people that we bring in, and the ways that we make us feel confident. That's the most important thing. Because if you don't feel confident, and if you feel stressed,

and if you feel weird, you will not find the one. And the one will not find you, Zirky Show. Today's episode of The Zirky Show is filmed in beautiful West Palm Beach. I mean, look at this. and someone got in an accident. That's awesome. Outside of that, travel the world, man. Go see a new place.

Even if it's like five minutes away, go find something beautiful near you. Did you know that the Zerky Show is everywhere you go? That is correct. You can watch it. You can scroll. You can stream it. The choice is yours.

It's the Zerky Show all over the globe. If you want to submit your own question for the show, send me a voice message, a DM, 30 seconds or less, at The Zerkey Show at gmail.com. Hope to see your question there. Do the things that bring you joy, bake in the sun a little bit, like a chocolate chip cookie and sweat. Oh, my goodness. And just enjoy a little bit, all right?

Maybe right now you're given this time to have a little bit of alone time before you are able to welcome somebody, the one, into your life. You've got to have faith in something. Have faith in yourself. That is the one person that you can truly count on. If you're trying something new, just know that I believe in you, Zerki Show. And as always, I'm sending you lots of love. When a country's productivity cycle is broken, people feel it in their paychecks, their communities, their futures. What does this mean for individuals, communities, and businesses across the country?

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