the zurkie show - do you even know why you’re sad

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

I used to ignore my own pain.I didn't see it as something I needed to address because I could always find a distraction to get me thinking about something else. it worked for a while, until suddenly I found myself deep in a trench that I couldn't see out of.we experience pain because our body wants us to address an issue. we feel pain emotionally because our mind wants us to just acknowledge that something isn't right.listen to yourself, you'll be happy you did.sending you lots of love and peaaaaaaaaaaace!https://stan.store/thezurkieshow⁠

I didn't realize how much pain there is in life. I didn't realize that it's immensely painful. Letting go of people, letting go of relatives, letting go of loved ones, letting go of the past, letting go of yourself. I'm experiencing a good bit of pain right now, a good bit of stress.

I kind of feel in my own head a little bit. I feel as if I've kind of made it into a bigger thing than it actually is. But everyone I talk to, they validate the pain that I'm feeling and they understand that, you know, I'm just trying to get through the day like everybody else, man. But something that's become so crucial in me understanding why I feel so much pain, especially in this time in my life

where I should be enjoying everything. I'm in my early 20s. It's awesome. Yay! I've come to realize that when I follow the pain, I realize where the pain truly lies. Because the pain does not lie in my inability to wake up in the morning on time. It doesn't lie in, you know, me feeling as if I have not been as productive as I should be. It doesn't even lie in the fact that, you know, there's certain friends that I haven't caught up with in a while.

The pain lies in a lot of the things I wouldn't tell anyone. It lies in fear It lies in The fear of missing out The fear of making a mistake I am so afraid sometimes To just make a mistake And it's so hypocritical

Because you need to make mistakes I even tell you guys that you need to make mistakes And I believe in it And I try to make as many mistakes as I can But I would be lying if I didn't Say that I'm afraid to do it Even to this day pain is something that has helped me grow in my life it is something that has been so

inter-trenched in a lot of the moments where I decided to change as a human being you need pain you need pain pain is game game is game but pain is game truly you know it's fuel I've talked about how hatred is fuel. Man, when you are in pain, you will do things that you never suspected you could. And maybe your pain right now is the pain of, you know, a crush not hitting your line back on Snapchat or it's a realization that your friends are like laughing at you behind your back, even though you're trying to pursue something great. Maybe your pain is the fact that, okay, you did let yourself go. You know, you're not where you want to be in your fitness journey. You don't feel healthy. Maybe it's all of it. I only ask to you is whatever your

pain is, you follow the pain. You drop it a follow. Because oftentimes this leads to the bigger question. You know, right now I feel a little bit of pain in the fact that I have stepped off the gas a little bit in terms of keeping up with my friends and keeping up with my relationships. And I've realized that, you know, I'm feeling this pain and I'm feeling this dread because I neglected these things. That's why I'm in pain. It was my fault. I neglected it. I neglected it. And I knew in real time that I was neglecting it. I knew the entire time. I'm like, I'm not being smart about this.

I should be calling my grandparents when I should call them. I should be visiting them when I say I'm going to visit. But instead, I, you know, I come. Oh. I keep pushing it. Rosen lasagna, medium power. 15 minutes. Sounds like Ojo time.

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Instead of acknowledging, hey, you know, these people are not going to be around forever. And if you want to have a good relationship with somebody, you need to put an effort. That's how it works. It's not a one-way street. The pain also manifests, you know, physically for me when I feel a lot of stress and I feel as if, you know, I'm kind of being pressed down on, like in a French press making coffee, you know. I'm the beans getting squished.

I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to do anything. I want to give up at the loading screen of life, which is when I open my eyes in the morning. I just don't. Nope. Back to sleep. Restart the system. I don't, nope.

But today I had a different, a different tone to the day. I approached it differently. I decided, okay, I'm going to follow the pain today. I'm going to see what's up and why I am stressing myself out and where I'm actually in pain. And when I did follow it, some of it led back to my family. I think I've kind of been neglecting certain relationships in my family

and I'm in a position right now where it's too late and maybe that's me being hard on myself maybe my relationships were meant to go the way they did but it feels too late and you know what I instead of doing what

the old Zerk would do which is just suppress it and be like whatever you know I actually called my family today and I just checked in and I communicated how I was feeling and I wanted an update on a family

member that's in really, really poor health right now. And the update was not pretty. I kind of knew what it was going to be, but it's not good. But I was very happy that I did that and I didn't keep finding a

distraction for the pain because you can distract yourself only so long. You really can until it's just... It comes back. It comes back and maybe it starts pressing down on you even harder. Another pain point is, you know, I feel like I've been a really poor collaborator with some of my peers. And you know what, today I was...

I was honest about, like, where I was at with things. And I didn't try to come up with these fake excuses like, oh, well, I got busy. Like, I was just, nah, bro. I've been lazy. I've been rotting. I'm sorry. I'm going to get on it. And that felt so good. It felt so good to be honest. But pain is a difficult thing to pinpoint. We feel it. But oftentimes we don't even ask where it's coming from. We just know that we are hurting. And when you ask why, it's like you see the playing field of like where the pain is. It's like you scan, you know, a lot of, uh, players and basketball, football, soccer, right? They're really good technically, but they're not good with their vision of seeing everything around them. And I feel like when we follow the pain and we try to actually find why we are in pain, we get such a good scope on the stress in our life and where it's coming from.

And why it's impacting us the way that it is. It's weird. We think that there's simple solutions to the things that we feel in life. And there's not. There's not. There never was a simple solution. But a start is just acknowledging that there is pain. It's acknowledging that you feel some kind of way when, you know, your friend talks about you behind your back and they're bad-mouthing you.

Or you feel some kind of way when the coach subs you out after 10 minutes of playing because, You're not playing good. Or you feel some type of way when you realize that, you know what? It's not going to work out. Whatever you had planned in your mind, whatever business idea you had that you were going to start with your bro, it's not working out. Follow the pain. Follow the pain. Just look at it objectively.

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Or recognize the fact that, you know, you've been neglecting yourself. And maybe that's part of the reason you feel empty. And you feel like no matter what you do, no matter how many. tests you ace, no matter how many promotions you get at work, you still feel empty. We've been taught, I think, to really, to be in pain perpetually, I think, too. And there's a lot of pain in life. But I think we've been taught that, like, you need to stay in pain. And I don't like staying in pain. I like acknowledging that I have it, but I'm not one to be like, oh, I want this, you know, oh, I need this as fuel.

Pain is a good motivator, but it's not sustainable. And putting yourself willingly in pain as a means to keep things going will just, it will grind you down. You know, I had a lot of instances in my life where I was really trying to push myself because I was concerned about what other people were going to think of me. so I was willingly inflicting pain on myself by getting in relationships that I knew were bad for me, entertaining situationships. Like, you name it, I was doing it because

I wanted to seem like I was wanted. I wanted to seem like I was worthy. I wanted to seem like I had things going on. But in reality, like, I was coping with my pain by putting myself in more pain. Like, what is, what? Why was I doing that? Well, it's because, you know, pain that's deeper within us, that's like, it's been there for a minute.

You kind of, you get used to it. It just becomes a part of the mundane hum of life. And it doesn't really peer its head until you have moments where it creeps in. And sometimes all we want is to just feel something. And so the idea of doing something that is bad feels, Great, because at least it will make us feel some kind of way. And it is oftentimes easier than trying to do something good for ourselves. I mean, like, you know, what's easier?

Or what seems more exciting? Going on a walk in a park consistently, like every day and a week, or entertaining that person that's, you know, you find cool and attractive, has a crush on you, but they have a boyfriend. I don't know about you. second one seems like insane dad lore just saying but it's not good it's not good for you on some olivia rodrigo it's not good for you at all and you're just you're coating that scar that's still like kind of open it's a wound of pain with more pain instead of actually following like why why do i

feel like I need to do this to myself. I think a lot of my pain just came from wanting to to feel accepted and feel loved because I thought that that was the most important thing. And I needed it from other people. I couldn't get it for myself because for myself it's like it's not worth anything, which is the biggest lie. I'm really upset that I lied to myself in that way because it's not true. And I only really really really. that until I got the love and like appreciation from other people that I'm like, no, like, what's what's the most important thing is that I believe it. And I have a good relationship with myself. And I love who I am. And I do things for me, too. You can serve other people in

your life. You can do things for other people in your life. But if you're not serving yourself, like, are you serving at all? No, I don't think so. Need a vehicle that isn't afraid to make a splash? That's the Volkswagen Taos. Capable and confident, the Volkswagen Taos is fit for everyday life. Nimble in traffic, agile and tight spots, and still spacious enough for weekend getaways. While available 4-motion all-wheel drive gives confidence in rain and snow. The capable Taos, you deserve more confidence.

Visit vw.ca to learn more. S-UVW, German engineered for all. And you know, the whole saying of like hurt people, hurt people is very true. I've been able to justify my ill manners and my ability to hurt people because I'm in pain. But I don't think that's a, you know, that explains things, but I don't think it's a valid excuse. Because I think my responsibility is if I'm in pain, I need to know how to help myself. Or I need to know how to ask for help. or I need to at the very least figure out why.

I'm in pain. We don't follow it enough. We don't see where the pain point is coming from. We instead try to treat it with a bunch of distractions. We try to look at the symptoms. And it's like, no, dude, it's a deeper problem. The new kicks are not going to solve the fact that you don't like what you see in the mirror. You know?

I love that you have a Chrome Hearts hat, but that's not going to, solve the fact that, you know, you're not, you're not happy with yourself. And you can signal to other people all you want that, like, you're doing, you're doing just fine, but you're not. And you know why I know that? Because that's what I would do when I was not doing good. Deep down, I was, I was building all of these layers onto myself because I was afraid of not amounting to something. That's what it was. I needed, I needed to be better than my peers. That was the driving factor. And then I had a moment in college where I was surrounded by a lot of people who were doing cooler things than me, better things than me. They were in positions I was dreaming of being in.

And I remember coming to this conclusion of my, why? Why does any of this matter? What I'm going to be racing against these people? Like, the St. F1, I'm not Alexander Hamilton. You know what I'm saying? Is that, wait, is Alexander Hamilton, right? Oh, Max for stopping. Hey, shout out my F1 homies.

Did I say that correctly? Is it? No, it's Lewis Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton is the... Oh, my gosh. D1 mistake. Whatever. That's life.

Life is a D1 mistake. No, but I finally followed the pain because this desire to outperform all of my peers was leading me to be a perfectionist and I wasn't doing anything. And then I was falling behind. I was super upset at myself. It was just the whole domino, you know.

And it's funny because that really, it really made me look at myself differently. It really made me realize that like, dude, I'm doing everything for other people. None of this is for me. None of this is for me. Why? Like, why would I put in all this effort to try to be better than a person that's supposed to, to be my friend like I should be uplifting this person I shouldn't be praying for their downfall it was a really really bad relationship that I had with competition and honestly just people doing

cool things that were you know better better than me but it's like everyone's their own unique self especially when you tap into what you're naturally good at and what you feel like you have an advantage in just as a human being you stop looking at other people as a threat you honestly look at them for talents and what special perspective they have on the world and their skills. And I wasn't looking at people that way. I was looking at it as they can do this better than me. No, no, there's no way. They're a threat.

But that really all stemmed from just me not accepting myself and holding these other standards to a higher thing than the standard that I had for myself, which honestly, I'll just want to be me. That's the base. If I can do that, if I can be the, the, the, the plain nerd that loves to watch, you know, some Premier League on the weekends, loves to kick a ball around, loves to listen to some daft punk, you know, or the new YT album, then I'm good. I'm good. And I get to, you know, tap in with the Zirky show and be a voice of reason for people. Like, that's, that's it. I'm good. I'm chilling. And I think when I followed that pain of wanting to, you know, to be accepted, what it really came down to is I don't accept myself.

So I had to change that relationship first, and I was like, okay, this is my player. On some 2K, this is my player. I'm going to use my player stock. Like, I'm going to build on top of this because I keep trying to cake myself and put all these layers on my player that is just like not me, you know? I am doing the wrong things for myself and I'm not actually I'm not actually letting myself address the pain

my life changed after that welcome aboard via rail please sit and enjoy please sit and sip play post taste view and enjoy

via rail love the way it did because how can I be jealous at somebody else, you know, and their successes when I'm just worried about me. And what I'm doing, am I bringing enough to the table for myself? And don't get me wrong, it's not like, you know, after that, I still didn't have some kind of level of pain, of course, like, you know, you're always going to have new struggles, new challenges, you're going to make more mistakes.

But now I know that, like, the pain. that I feel there's usually a trail there's usually somewhere it leads there's always some kind of breadcrumb I can you know phantom tax and go to a place where I'm like wait a minute wait a minute this is why I'm in pain I'm not in pain that you know my crush didn't text me back it's the fact that I'm scared to be alone. That's what it is. It's I'm afraid to have alone time. Well, let's address having alone time. Why don't we actually spend this alone time in a way that's good? And it's productive and it feels like it's meaningful. This perspective has has changed everything for me and

it's made me realize that pain is actually a good thing. It's good. We need to go through it. We need to have moments where we feel drained, where we feel frustrated, where we feel frustrated, where we feel like we feel like we are in a French press and we are the coffee beans that are getting pressed down. We need it. We do. And give pain the respect that it deserves. Feel it. You messed up big time. You fumbled the guy that was perfect for you because you were afraid of what your friends were going to think when they saw you two together because he's a little bit of a computer nerd or that's what you thought. But he was actually really cool. Yeah, feel the pain.

You messed up. But follow it. That whole thing of what are my friends going to think of me? Maybe that's the problem. Why do you hold your friend's perspective to such a high standard? If you like them, that's all that matters. But when you try to tell yourself that, that's not the case. You don't believe in it.

So what's going on there? Do you value your perspective enough? Do you think it matters? Because if you don't, no duh, your friends are ruling your entire life. Of course. Of course. Follow the pain. Follow the pain.

There is a path that will lead you down. It might not be comfortable. Scratch that. It won't be comfortable. It's never comfortable. But rarely the good things in life are comfortable. You often have to go through some kind of discomfort in order to get things and get experiences and get peace within yourself that makes you feel comfortable.

Zerky Show. So if you're feeling some kind of way, if you're feeling like there is a lot on your mind, there is a lot in your life right now that's kind of dragging you down. I want you to follow the pain. I just want you to acknowledge that it exists, and I want you to see where is it leading you? Why do you feel that way? Did you know that the Zirky Show is everywhere you go?

Oh, that is correct. You can watch it. You can scroll it. You can stream it if you want to tap in. This is the way to do it. It's the Zirky show everywhere you go. Tap in. Mail time with Zerky episode one is coming. If you still want to be a part of it, you have until the end of the week to send something. This is the PO box. It's on your own volition for the chance to be featured. I am looking for a question. I don't know, a comment, a concern, whatever you like. If you'd like to send something, I cannot wait to see what your beautiful mind comes up with. Do the things that bring you joy. Don't be too hard on yourself, man. I've been hard of myself, like, all week, and it has made me rot in bed. So if you are like, oh, no, no, that's what's going to happen, bro. Happen to me. Maybe you're different. Maybe you are built different, and I respect you for that. If you're trying something new, try it.

Just try it out, dude. Man, why not? I actually had a Yemenese coffee for the first time last week, and it was fire. It was so good. I got out of a food truck here in Austin. Shouts out to that Yemenese food truck. Zerky Show. I just want you to know that I believe in you.

And likewise, I am always sending you lots of love and peace.