the zurkie show - I'm sorry for failing you

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

I apologize. I want to do better, but I need to let my actions speak. Love you guys, sending love and peaaaaaace. https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow

What is so good about making yourself feel worse for something that you already made a mistake on? What is the benefit of that? Today I spiraled into a rock bottom and it happened in a matter of hours and a matter of minutes. And I am now recovering from it and thought and I am trying to figure things out. But I am convinced that this is my sign to change. And for a lot of us, maybe we. we want to change. It is a thought in our minds that sounds good.

Oh man, I would love to actually take my finances seriously. Oh, man, I would love to get rid of that toxic partner. Oh, man, that sounds great. But it sounds great. And the action of change is painful. It is so painful. But if you don't do anything about it, It will repeat.

For a while now, I've been struggling with my routine. I'm someone who really likes having routine. Even though I'm sporadic in the way that I work, I like having some kind of structure I can follow. And that structure began to slowly be destroyed when I got back home to Austin after being, you know, in Colorado for a little bit. And what I found was instead of building my routine up

and filling it with things that were interesting and things that I liked and also things I enjoy working on, what I did instead when I got back here was work became the to-do thing and I didn't build any kind of structure to support it. So the first day back, I was kind of like, oh, well, okay, I got a race to make something today. Then the second day back, the same thing happened, and the same thing happened. And then the same thing, same thing, same thing. I just didn't give myself any respect.

And it wasn't affecting my work. I was able to pull it off. I was like a magician, you know, pulling a bunny out of a hat. Whoa, how'd he do that? But in reality, I was suffering. In reality, I was being just very disrespectful to myself, and I was waiting for the day that it would seep into what I give to you. The Zerky Show fam, because you are very sacred to me. I care a lot about you.

But my actions right now don't show that. This chair in the corner and the shed don't show that because someone who takes pride in their show, they would make sure that the background was fire. And instead, because of my own volition and my own mismanagement, this is what I'm forced to do. And I am, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is not fair to you. But I have an agreement that I come and I make the show.

And I have an agreement that I'd be authentic. At the very least, I try to show that I'm human, man. There's more to life than finding the perfect car. But finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life. Like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road. And the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams. Or the van that's gone from just practical to practically family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going.

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This is embarrassing for me. I don't feel good about it. And maybe there's something in your life that you know you're having a struggle with, a problem with. And you're telling yourself, I really want to change. I really want to make a difference. But you just haven't had a moment to where it has affected other people around you or it has affected you really negatively. And I'm urging you.

to catch yourself before that happens. But for a lot of us, we'll get away with it. So we won't want to catch ourselves because it's working. It's kind of like that habit of procrastination. For me, I could bang out a, you know, 11-page paper in a day. I've done that. I wrote in college a paper that I was supposed to write the entire semester with citations. and I did it within, you know, a day, turned it in at 1131 p.m. when it was due at 11.59.

And it worked out. It was fine. I survived. But I felt dirty. I felt really dirty about it because I knew that it was my own volition that happened. And listen, I mean, hey, like, you got to find the thing that works for you. Like, maybe you're not somebody who likes working with a deadline. close maybe you actually need that time maybe you're the opposite and you actually thrive when you're under pressure but there are certain problems that are kind of like very very personal to us and they're very secretive i know that a lot of people deal with addictions that they're not public about a lot of people are ashamed of certain things certain aspects about their personal life and i'm ashamed of my sleep schedule and of my work schedule because it's not, it's not good.

And I know that. I know that. You know, and if you feel like you know, these things are affecting you negatively, you have to make a change before it's too late. And before it creeps into your life, you know? Because it will repeat. Like, you know, one time it has to be.

happens and you know you can get away with it. After that, it's wraps. It's over, man. It's like, it's like a, you know, a bug in a video game. Like, once people know that there's a glitch, that you can get infinite diamonds on like a Minecraft server, oh, I'm exposing that. Like, you're just going to keep coming for more. And it's the same thing. If, like, if you find out that you can, you know, just like skirt by, scurt by, what is your incentive to actually build some kind of structure and keep, you know, a promise to yourself that, no, this time I'm not going to procrastinate, this time I'm actually going to look out for myself, I'm going to go to bed on time, I'm going to treat myself like an adult, and I'm going to focus on that.

You don't have that. You don't have that because you're getting away with it. And maybe somebody needs to see this to be like, dang. Oh, unks in the trenches? Yeah, I'm in the trenches. This is what happens when you don't catch yourself early. You have to sit, you know, next to a broken chair and a shed. Which is awesome, actually. Maybe that's cool. No, but it's going to repeat.

Like your problem will continue to repeat if you do not put some kind of process into play of how to catch yourself before you go there. I deal with this stuff, man. I deal. with addictions. I deal with negative self-hatred. I deal with, you know, the dark sides of being a human being. I deal with it every day. Every day. There are certain things I have learned to put into place certain protocols that I'm like, okay, if I'm craving to do this thing and give in to this thing, that's not healthy, like staying up super late, it's probably because I'm stressed about the next day.

There's something about that day that is making me feel stressed. Okay, and if I succumb to this staying up late, what will happen is it will mess up the next day. I'm making it future Zerke's problem. I don't want to do that because I'm already going to have a stressful day. I might as well have all the energy for that day. So you know what? I'm going to go to sleep.

If I'm feeling like, oh, you know, I'm feeling super, overwhelmed, maybe my go-to to cope with that. I know what my go-to is. I go-to- is, I go on a scroll binge, and I'm just like, you know. And if I catch myself and I'm like, okay, hold on, why am I scrolling? It's because I'm overwhelmed. Okay, I need to relax. I got to go for a walk. I need to find something to cope with this. I need to call a friend. I just need to kind of relax. Because it's a flurry. It's like in the moment. In the moment it is, you know, your problem grabs you and is like, listen, listen, listen, I need dopamine.

I need this. I need this. And you have to look at your problem as this like monster that's grabbing you and be like, chill with that. Relax. It's not easy. It's not an easy thing. And you're going to have to experiment with the solutions because what works for one

person and, you know, they treat it as gospel is not. going to work for somebody else. It's just not. We are all individual people with individual needs and we're all different. So you can try these things and see maybe this works for you, but there's a good chance that you have to find like the key to your own problem. It's like, you know, it's like a bunch of different apartment doors. Not one key is going to open all of them. Well, maybe if you're the landlord. Don't forget to tip your landlord. Kidding. Kidding. You will have to be very patient with that. and I think that my solution right now to my problem of staying up late, of not having a good kind of sleep schedule is I don't have the structure the next day and I put way too much

on my plate. I think like, oh, you know, in an ideal world, I could ideally do this when no, no, I can't. Like if I had a boss and he told me, hey, you're going to film five videos today, I'd be like, hold on, wait a minute. Not happening. You crazy? I'm going to film one. And then I'm going to edit it that day.

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Steep. Flip. Or that. And enjoy. via rail love the way so that's been the problem is i just overload the next day and when it comes to going to bed and going to sleep i'm like already overwhelmed with the next day because i'm like well i have to you know do all this stuff today and on top of just like normal life stuff errands you know bills that you got to pay so it's like that kind of just compounds and stacks

and then when i wake up i don't want to get out of bed because i have so much to do when instead I should be meeting myself like where I'm at and be like, okay, let's not try to be OD with it. Let's see what the minimum is. What is the minimum for me to have a good day that's sustainable that I can like repeat on the daily? And it's so crazy. I'm like now talking about it. And I'm just like, why am I, I'm overcomplicating it? I'm overcooking it. I'm trying to do way too much and I'm not focusing on like, okay, what is fair? I'm being just like unfair to myself. And I think maybe a lot of us are unfair to ourselves because we do not see ourselves as another person. Because think about it. Like if you were planning all of these things for someone else to do, like you wouldn't give them 50 things to do in one day. You'd be like, whoa, like, dude, do like five to ten and that's good. You're chilling.

And that's what's causing all of this anxiety in my life. And I guess all this like pressure is I'm not. giving myself like room to breathe. I'm just putting so much on my plate. And I find that when you lower the pressure, you're able to do more. Like naturally, you're like, oh, like, hey, took care of what I needed to take care of today. Let me just like do more so I can, you know, be ahead. But when you don't do that, like, and you start to fall behind mentally, oh my goodness. Then it's just like, it's like a domino, bro. It's like a Rue Goldberg.

You guys know about a Rue Goldberg machine? It's like those machines that, like a marble goes and hits a can, and the can hits a bunch of dominoes, they fall over, and then a race car goes, if you get a chance and, you know, you want to break from the ads, bro, tap into a Rue Goldberg compilation. It's so cool. It's also just, like, very nice. It's like brain-numbingly nice. It's kind of like those satisfying compilations.

you know with like the soap cutting oh my bro soap cutting used to be like my guilty pleasure i love that or like slime dude come on you don't think unc was tapped into slime unc was tapped in deep i just liked watching it i never actually like made slime stuff anyways treat yourself like a human look at it from a third perspective because i had a moment today where i was i was really like just getting down to myself like i i i i I had left the house. I was like, okay, I'm going to go to this location. I'm going to go film.

And then it's like rush hour traffic. And I'm like, what am I? I messed up. It's over. I'm done. I'm cooked. It's done. And in that moment, I really reflected because I started going down the spiral of like,

man, I'm such an idiot. I'm such a, like, I can't get anything right. I'm really dumb. And then I was like, would I treat someone else this way? Would I say that to somebody else? if they were being vulnerable with me and they were saying, listen, I'm messing up, I'm not doing good. No.

I wouldn't. It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet, from rolling countryside to cobblestone streets. Begin your next chapter. Book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. WestJet, where your story takes off. Would you do that to somebody else? I hope not.

I hope not. If that's your friend, bro, no, you wouldn't. Why do we treat ourselves with less respect than we do other people? Like, why is that? What is so good about making yourself feel worse for something that you already made a mistake on? What is the benefit of that? And catching this now can really, really help with how you're going to approach other problems in your life. because if you can't straighten out the relationship with yourself,

how do you expect to be able to function in relationships with other people? How? So I'm realizing what the problem is. And maybe you have realized now, dang, man, that thing that I kind of laugh off with the homies, yeah, no, I'm not addicted, I can stop whenever I want to. No, it's a problem. It's like an issue.

And you feel ashamed. It's okay. It's okay. But now you have to ask yourself the question, do you want it to continue to be a problem? If you're like, eh, I don't really care. Cool. It's your life. Heck yeah.

But if your answer is no, this is bad. I want this to stop. It will repeat unless you do something about it. Unless you take it seriously. And you think, how am I going to solve this with the flaws of being me, with my routine, what I can do, what I can't do, the things I look forward to, what are the things that I can build into my daily life that I look forward to doing so that when I have to do the stuff that sucks, when I have to change, it's not as hard.

It will be hard. Change is always hard. I'm going to have to start going to bed at a reasonable time. Challenge impossible. It's going to be very difficult. I'm not going to like it. I'm going to be uncomfortable. I will toss and turn in that bed probably for an hour

because I'm used to going to bed at 2 a.m. Why am I going to bed at 1130? But I will remember that I have something planned that is easy the next day and that I have built for myself. And I will remember the fact that I love what I do, I love myself, and I love you. And that will make me want to go to.

a bet. It's a sacrifice. I'm going to be like, all right, well, I got to do this because I got to do it. And tomorrow I'm going to be happy about it. But it's hard. It's so hard. Big thing with adulting is actually having the time to sit with your flaws. It's seeing your problems in real time. Because before I would be like, oh, you know, your parents are making you do something. or, you know, oh, your roommates are being annoying. Ah! You know, you close the door out of frustration. Because if you're annoying roommates.

But when you're on your own, you're on your own. You're on your own. There's nobody to annoy you. Just you. And then who's to blame? You! I want you to be better. If you want to be better.

I want you to improve on the things that you feel like our struggle. because you deserve to improve on them. You deserve to be better. You deserve to take yourself seriously. You do. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower.

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You shouldn't. So don't. Take it seriously. The problem you have, however embarrassing it is, however demeaning it is, however demeaning it is to the perception of what other people have of you, you got to champion it. And you got to figure out what is a tangible solution, what is something I can do, knowing myself, knowing what I'm good at and what I'm not good at. Because what's not going to solve my problem is a 5 a.m. run.

I'm not going to look forward to that. What's not going to solve my problem is reading for four hours when I wake up. It's not going to solve the problem. It won't. What will solve it? finding a show I like the night before as that being the cue I'm going to sleep I'm going to watch

Squid Game, Severance Fallout and then after the show is done I'm going to go to sleep I'm not going to sit there but I want to watch another episode of the bear Nope going to bed good night

good night Zerky see you guys tomorrow morning all right take care out like a light Like a light. Like a light. Like a light. Sickle mode.

Drake. Travis Scott. He had to be there. It will repeat. The problems will repeat. So it's about figuring out what you can do with them. And I don't want this to repeat. This will be a reminder to me that this is not what the Zerky Show looks like.

And that the Zirky Show fam deserve the absolute best Zirky Show. man thank you so much for believing in me thank you for sticking through me wait what thank you for sticking with me what i meant to say i really appreciate it genuinely from the bottom of my heart i'm sorry that i embarrassed you a little bit today with this but i want you to see the trenches You got to see the low parts of it to appreciate the highs, and I promise you I'm going to do better. Do the things that bring you the most joy and understand that sometimes, yes, it will be a rough day. Sometimes, yes, you will not do what you want it to do, and that is okay. How do we move from it?

How do we make sure that the next thing is a little bit better? You got this. I believe in you. I love you, and I trust you. Zirky Show! I'm sending you love and peace.