the zurkie show - the past repeats if you let it

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

in today's economy, don't let people live rent free in your head... but don't ignore the patterns you notice. https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow

And it's painful when you show somebody every side of you. You're vulnerable to them. You tell them things you would never tell anybody else. And they take all of it and use it against you, weaponize it against you. Why would you trust anyone ever again? You wouldn't. I used to think that all you needed to do to get over somebody was forgive and forget. Just move on.

Say that it happened and say la vie. Life goes on. But I remember a conversation I had with my father. It was after I had had like a relationship for two months in like middle school. And I was cheated on, which is like, how do you, anyways, it just, it happened and it was weird and I don't know. But in that moment, I, uh, I talked to my dad and he told me, you know, James, one thing you have to remember is that when people make mistakes, you can say, forgive but you don't forget you never forget and his beautiful eastern European accent it tickled my eardrums and I just I have not forgotten that piece of advice because I

still use it today forgive but don't forget it sounds counterintuitive don't you want to forget the bad things that happen to you don't you want to just just get that out of your brain? Well, of course you do. Everyone does. I don't want to sit here and harp on the bad things that have happened to me. I mean, what's the point? There's so much more to do. There are so many better uses of my time. I can spend that time being in love with the things that I do on a daily basis, spending that energy with people that I like. But there is something to be said about remembering. You have to remember the bad. I've learned that in the moments that I felt the most wrong was done to me, I couldn't forget it because I didn't want it to happen

again. And this is a very common problem. I'm sure everyone has a friend who continuously gets in a terrible relationship with a partner that just does not. care about them. And every time you try to tell them, girl, bro, they're not good for you. And they keep going back. That is because they have done the first part. They have forgiven the past person or in a lot of cases they don't even do that. They're still hung up on their ex because the amount of people that are hung up on their ex in this generation is insane. But they forget. They forget. They move on. kind of they they don't fully move on i i think that they pretend that they move on but they just look for the next fix the next person that is going to give them that satisfaction of being

with somebody even though they don't like them i don't think this is right i don't think this is right if you if you want somebody who is going to love you for you and who's going to be a genuine partner wouldn't you want to remember the ones that were not it like Yo, that was not it. You'd want to remember. You don't want to keep making the same mistake and expecting different results. It's not how it works. Going back to what my dad told me, I really kept that close to me.

And in the future, even if I could implement it a little bit, even if I could, you know, go back and reference a past relationship and be like, this is a pattern I've seen before. I found that in my personal life, in my friendships, in my relationships, I was able to sniff out the the BS way quicker. I was able to see, this person doesn't really care. This person has lost feelings for me. This person, they're kind of narcissistic. And I don't really know if this is going to be a good fit. But that's because I forgave.

I forgave the person. But I didn't forget what it had. happened to me. And forgiveness, it's, it's hard. It's hard. The truth about forgiveness is that you will be wronged by a lot of people in your life that will never, they'll never apologize. They won't. Part of that is because in their minds, they didn't do anything wrong. In their minds, they were absolutely right all of the time. They don't see both sides like Chanel. They only see their side and their side can't do any wrong but there's also people that genuinely didn't know they hurt you they had no idea and that's why it's really important sometimes to just get closure

in a relationship or in a friendship a phone call a text message is better than just no contact forever because you can ghost somebody but that ghost will forever haunt you until you kind of you know you address it and you're like hey like we need to to talk and we need to just figure it out now will that work for every single relationship no there are some cases where you know what you're probably off better not talking because there's nothing to be seen it's it's two different perspectives and those two perspectives are so polar opposite you won't find any common ground that's a part of life too but when we look back at all the times that's something decrepit something really bad

happened to us. Why would we hold on to it? Why would we emotionally let it live rent-free in our heads? Why? It's 2025. That thing should be paying 1,200 a month plus utilities to live in this brain. So forgive it. Forgive it. Even if it wasn't your fault, even if it was something that you had no control over, you were the best in the relationship. All of your friends told you, dude, you were a star. You loved this person, and they still did you wrong because of their own insecurities, because of their own character.

Forgive. Forgive. Don't forget. But it's hard. Forgiveness is not easy. It's a process. You can't just be like, yeah, I forgive them. No.

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Concerned about your gambling or that if someone close to you. It is something that takes deliberate time. It is something that you have to live through and one day when you're driving in your car somewhere to hang out with your friends, it hits you. And you're like, huh, you know what? Yeah, that wasn't cool of that person, but I forgive them.

And it's painful when you show somebody every side of you. You're vulnerable to them. you tell them things you would never tell anybody else and they take all of it and use it against you, weaponize it against you. Why would you trust anyone ever again? You wouldn't. You wouldn't, but when we do that,

we don't allow ourselves to live and try the relationships that could be so good. That could be so amazing. And that's really why you have to forget. You can keep it pent up. You can keep it stored deep down. But that will influence everything about you. That will influence every part of you.

I've had to forgive a lot of people in my life. I will probably in the future have to forgive more people in my life. I've had to forgive myself countless times for messing up. For doing the wrong thing when I knew what was right. But I don't forget any of it. Like, I don't. Because I want to remember. I want to remember it.

Not because I want to use it against somebody. Oh, you did this to me. But I do think that patterns repeat. And if you let patterns repeat, you will have the same thing happen. You will. I've seen it in my life. Is it a coincidence that every single relationship, that burned in flames in my life was because the person that I thought I was attracted to was just the one giving me attention.

And I didn't stop to think if I actually like this person, if we were going to be a good match. I don't think it's a coincidence. Not when it happens five times in a row. I don't think so. I think it's something that I forgive myself for, yes. But I don't forget. No, I can't forget. That is that is something that I would talk to myself and be like, why?

Why is this happening? Do remember that? Because I don't want the same thing to happen over again. And some people, they do. Real talk. Some people, they like going through the same thing over and over again and telling everyone about it. Being like, this guy, he did this to me.

This girl keeps doing this, bro. And that's, hey, live your life how you want to. That's awesome. Love that for you. But for me, it's not going to cut it. It's not. It's just not how I want to live. And you have to ask yourself, what do you want?

Because maybe that is something you want. Deep down, maybe you're like, you know what, I kind of like, I like having a little drama, makes things spicy. It adds spice to the blandness of life. I get it. Let's not sit here and pretend. Let's just be honest. But if you're listening to what I'm saying and you feel upset and it resonates with you,

maybe it's time to make a change. And maybe that change is forgiving the person, but not forgetting what happened. Not forgetting what happened. Knowing what happened and being like, okay, in this situation, I gave too much of myself to this person. I lost myself in this relationship. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. That wasn't healthy.

That wasn't a good balance. Okay, in this friendship, I became the emotional punching bag. I don't want to be that anymore. I want equal parts in this friendship to work. All of that is important, but it's not going to happen if you just forget about it. And it will be painful. It will be weird. I went through, you know, some pretty traumatic breakups, and every single one

I had to think through it. I had to sit there and ponder and be like, man, wow, the red flag was there. It was there, and I had the rose-tinted glasses on to ignore it. I had the hater shades on. Everyone's hating on me. No, people were trying to tell me, this partner is not good for you.

And maybe you're looking back at some of your relationship, where people were like, hey, red flag, he doesn't text you back within a week that's not normal. He's not that busy. Nobody is that busy. Bro, nobody is that busy. I'm just saying, maybe he didn't want to text you back. And maybe the relationship was built on some falsehoods. That's all.

But, okay, it happened. But what's the point in holding the grudge? It's just going to weigh you down. So take the chains off the grudges, let yourself be free, forgive that thing that happened to you. Forgive that person. It's difficult because for a lot of us, we want to forgive somebody if they change. And a lot of people don't change. Why?

Because they don't want to. But that's not you. It doesn't have to be you. So be the bigger person. Forgive it. All right, it happened. That sucks. It wasn't cool, but I forgive it.

But don't forget it. Don't forget how it made you feel. Don't forget why it happened. What caused it to happen? What was your role in that whole situation? What could you have done better? What could you have avoided? Because that is how you learn about what relationships are good, what people are good,

and what things you should look out for to protect yourself because I'm not going to lie. You're going to get hurt. You're going to get hurt. And that is a part of it. And you will grow so much from getting hurt once in a while. That's how it goes. But if you learn to forgive, but you don't forget what happened, you will also learn how to deal with the lowest of lows.

so you can enjoy the highest of highs, Zirky Show. I love you so much. 2025, dude. It's like here. What the heck? Shout out to the OGs, because they already know what I'm going to say,

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