the zurkie show - there’s nothing wrong with choosing you

Episode Date: February 9, 2025

there's a healthy balance between making choices for yourself and keeping others in mind. sometimes, you have to take the reigns yourself.https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow

It's not fair to you that you have to be the solution to somebody else's problems. That's not fair. You didn't sign up for that. People love to ask this question. And I think it's one that, you know, a lot of people have asked in the past. I've never gotten like a clear answer on it. If John Pork was calling, what do you answer? Now, I know what you're thinking?

Like, what's like John Pork? Why does this matter? Well, answer the question. If John Pork was calling, what do you answer? Or would you keep walking? I would answer. Because I'm a good friend. I like John Pork.

I think the John Pork meme is funny. But now I want you to think of that same question, but replace John Pork with you. If you were calling, would you answer? If you knew that you were having a bad day and you needed a little pick me up, you needed honestly some alone time, you need to just chill out, would you listen to yourself? Would you take that kind of humility to know, dang, I'm not really doing too hot, and listen to it? I don't think a lot of people would. I don't think a lot of people would. Because when someone else is calling, when somebody in the group chat is saying,

yo, slide to this, you know, event, come through, it's so easy to just follow and just do that thing. If somebody is telling you, hey, y'all, I'm alone. Remember when we were together? We were so, it was so fun, even though I manipulated you five times and, you know, made you miss your mother's birthday because I wanted to go to the mall and not buy anything and look at 50 things and then blame it on you. Remember when we were so good together? Okay. I want you to realize something. You come first.

That's what I want you to realize. You come first. Okay. You come first as in you, you are the first person that you should worry about. That's what I mean. Because it is a privilege to be able to worry about other people and help other people and have people that count on you, you know. But if you don't, if you don't take care of yourself, if you don't worry about yourself,

it's like how can you be able to worry about other people? You can. You 100% can. I know people who they live their lives for other people solely. They don't even live for themselves. And it's scary because you can give all of your energy towards somebody else. And there is a reality where they will not reciprocate that. Where they will just, nah.

Why? Because nah. And I remember having like friends who would tell me, you know, I would ask them, what do you want to do? What do you want to do? Well, I'm going to do whatever my parents want me to do. Okay, fair. You know, your parents are paying for you to live in their place. It's kind of hard to argue.

But what do you want to do? Do you want to go on a bike ride? That seems like a lot of fun. Or do you want to think of a reality where, oh my gosh, what if I don't, what if I don't listen to that person? No, no, I can't. But you can. Why?

Because you come first. You can. Because when you move out and you're on your own, you're on your own. Now, okay, there are situations where we have to take care of a sick relative, where we have to, you know, we don't have the luxury, basically, to be on our own. There is somebody that is a part of our lives. We have a kid. You come first, sure.

Not when the baby is crying, though. You've got to get up and tend to it. Or you can just let it, you know, not eat. Come on. Those are called responsibilities. We got responsibilities. But when you're in a stage of life where you are very malleable, you're very plastic, and you're able to learn a lot of different things, you're able to meet a lot of different people,

why would you be so hung up on somebody else's expectations of you and somebody else's needs? Because there are a lot of people in this life that are living for other, people's needs. You come first. You always have come first. And I get it. It's difficult. It's very hard. You have to actually be like, dang, I have to take accountability for certain things.

I can't just like, be like, well, oh, well, they want me to hang out with them. And, you know, how many people do you know that, like, they get in a relationship and they obviously don't like the other person, period. Or maybe there's parts of that other person that they like. But it's just, like, no. And then you're like, they're your bro or your girly or your friendo. And you're trying to get them to come to something. They're like, well, no, well, you know, my part, you know, they said that they wanted to hang out.

So. And it's like, well, you can say no. We had these plans four months ago. We made them four weeks ago. And they're asking to hang out with you today. You can say you have plans. Well, yeah, but, but, but no. because like they're they're gonna get mad and it's like okay well who who's coming first than that

the other person is coming first okay granted sometimes you don't want to go to the plans just say that don't lie about it and you got to treat relationships in the same way sometimes it is it is a privilege to be in a position where you can give yourself to somebody else you can let somebody else into your life and you can work together to have something very special but if you if you were not figured out in a simple sense you know, and you aren't accepting right now of who you are, which is a whole another conversation, then right in this moment you come first. And sometimes you'll have to break up with people. You'll have to end things that, you know, in hindsight, were great because you just weren't,

it wasn't time for it. You weren't ready for it. You didn't have the bandwidth to be able to sustain it. And you can't look at that and, you know, and keep dragging other people along with you sometimes. You sometimes have to know when to step away and be like, okay, I need to figure my things out. I need to be on my own right now. And that comes with communication. It comes with communicating with yourself, with the other person, making sure you two are on the same page, making sure you're on the same page with yourself, because oftentimes, you know, we're influenced by things that either our friend group is telling us to do online we're being told to do and we just don't know where to turn to, but at the end of the day, like, you come first. You have to do the things that

you know matter to you first. You have to. It's a non-negotiable in my book. Before you can help somebody else. And I think that it's the same thing with a lot of us getting into relationships because we want the relationship so bad and we just want to, we want to feel worthy. We lower all of our needs to a bare minimum, if that, and we just let, we're like a carpet, you know, at a restaurant, at an old restaurant, we're just getting stepped on, we're getting food that's dropping on us, water, you just don't know. Those carpets are gnarly, bro. I don't know if you have a visual of what I'm talking about, but like an old school restaurant carpet, you couldn't pay me to have that in my house. But it's because we're allowing that to happen. We're like willingly being like, well,

I want to be in this relationship, which it's a great thing to be in a relationship or a friendship. That's an awesome thing. You shouldn't rob yourself of that either because I'm not perfect. No, you should work for it. Relationships take work. I'm sorry, they take work. Bro, my goodness, they take work. And there's no guarantee in them either.

There's no guarantee it's going to work. But that's life. There's no guarantee in anything. Nothing. Well, I have a job, and that's like, you know, I have a job. They're going to, what if they let you go? The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road? That's the Volkswagen Tiguan.

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I'll go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Well, I have a guarantee of like, you know, where I'm going to live. Well, okay, but what if the person, the reason that you move there, that person says, hey, I'm leaving. I'm done. Leases up. I'm done. Um, huh.

Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed. That's why I'm like, bro, you got to risk it for the biscuit sometimes. Will it work 100% of the time? No. No. No, no, no, no, no. But if you come first,

what do you do when it comes to having relationships and having friendships and having good, having a good life because sometimes, you know, you got to compromise. I think it's about knowing when to be selfish. I think it's about knowing, when to take a step in a certain direction for yourself. Because at the end of the day, that's kind of like,

it's kind of what we do, right? We have to be selfish. It's not cool to be selfish all the time. And in my opinion, those people are kind of mid because, like, it's like, oh my gosh, how many times can I hear about how awesome you are? That's great. But, like, you don't ask me a question? Like, you know, you're going to ask me how,

my date at Chili's was. What's going on? Is this a conversation or a monologue? Bro, I've been in so many monologues. You know what I'm talking about when like someone is just like, you know, spilling, spilling, spilling, spilling, spilling, and you're like, what? Where is this coming from? What? Minion Dave. What? But how do we make this a reality? Like, how do we actually champion this in a way that's productive and obviously isn't overly narcissistic? Because I get that. like I'm somebody who really appreciates me for who I am, but I wouldn't, you know,

I've tethered the, the line of narcissism before too, where I'm like, wait a minute, like, this is really, really selfish of me. And do I need to be doing this?

No. No, not at all. This is actually like not good for my relationships. And I think part of it is just the mentality you have in certain seasons of your life. Like, I think that if you want to focus in on something and,

and, and spend, you know, time alone. I think that that's completely valid and it's cool. And I think you should definitely do that if that's what you're craving. You know, why? Because you come first. But I don't think it's an all or nothing. I don't think that means, you know, villainizing your friends when they ask you

if they, if you want to go see a movie with them or if you want to go, you know, play some FIFA with them. Or like, you know, go bowling. I'm locked in How dare you even ask that? Like, bro, you need to have like a slider, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes in your life it'll be 50-50. Sometimes it'll be 80-20 social.

Sometimes it'll be 20-80 social because you're focused or, you know, you want more time for yourself, you've got to figure things out. That's how it is. It's never a binary 100% lock-in, 100% no social. Like what?

Like some of my favorite memories are made with other people. And some of them have been during times where I was the most focused. And it was a great break to just hang out with people and relax. But in the same vein, it's like, you know, feeling out your relationships and understanding which ones are codependent is so important. It's so important because if another person is depending on you for emotional support

and they can't handle it themselves, I mean, it's a dark place to be in, man. It's like you almost feel like you can't walk away because it's going to ruin this person and it's going to just get worse. And don't let that trap you because that's that's, that's not fair to you. It's not fair to you that you have to be the solution to somebody else's problems. That's not fair. You didn't sign up for that. You signed up to be somebody's friend or be intimate with someone and learn who they are and be in this beautiful friendship or relationship that you're together in. But like, it is so frustrating when you feel like everything, you have to tailor everything to someone else.

You have to. The way you talk, the way you walk, the way you make a joke. Because if you make a certain joke, they're going to, you know, shut down on you. And that's their way of coping with it. It's like terrible. That sucks. This episode is brought to you by FedEx. These days, the power move isn't having a big.

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business with FedEx. The new power move. And you don't deserve any of that. You come first. You don't deserve to have that kind of thing. And maybe that person is never going to change and you're like well they're trying to figure it out yeah they're not

the most mature right now but they're going to figure it out they're probably not because they're getting away with it you're letting them get away with it over and over again every time you try to press on them they press back on you because guess what if you are in tune with your feelings if you're in tune with how you are and you know what you like and what you don't like you are going down to a level where somebody else is basically ruling over. You know, it's, you're stepping into their kingdom. Instead of co-ruling something and making sacrifices and figuring out the balance, you are knocking on their kingdom door, the one that comes down over that river, you know, in the old kingdoms, and you are like, hello, I would like to come and change things. I would like to help you.

That ain't your kingdom. That's their kingdom. You're going to play by their rule. You're going to play by their rules. You're going to pay their taxes. You can't just go in there and expect like, oh, yeah, okay. You should change this. Oh, that's a great thing that you just requested. I should change that. No, you know what's going to happen? Oh, you know what? You should not treat me this way. No, I should because you're doing X, Y, Z, because you're making me feel this way. So I should do that. And it's actually really disrespectful that you would even, like, entertain the idea that you would ask me that. You should feel really ashamed of yourself for doing that. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I've played these games before. So know what you're getting yourself into. Know how you're spending your time with somebody else and, and know that we come first. Don't forget this. Don't forget this. It's like. It is very important. It is very important.

Are you making a decision that will help you? Or are you making a decision that you think will look good for other people? Or you think it will somehow help other people, but really it's not. And you have to feel it out. Because, you know, in a similar vein, you could say, oh, well, sometimes you'll have moral dilemmas. Like you will be asked to make money for a company that is not ethical. And then you have to, you have to make decisions.

how dare you make a certain decision but everyone has a different circumstance everyone has a different circumstance i'm not validating bad choices and choices that affect the lives of other people because sadly that happens all the time it's happening right now but for what you can't control and what you can do and how you do live your life just don't let yourself be in this jail of outside people perspective of expectation of oh i don't want to make this person mad no you come first you come first well i'll be kind of i mean if i start doing better than my other friends then it's going to be weird and they're going to have a problem with it those are not your friends they're not your friends then they don't want you to succeed they don't those are not your friends

my real friends they respect what I do they respect the time that I put in when I don't text them for a week they're like yo he's busy that's cool they respect it they respect it because I'm genuine because because I make sure that I come first and everything I'm able to do afterwards is in service of those people that I care about and vice versa I never expect them to text me back right away they have their own lives like we have to make effort to to make plans to see each other, right? It goes both ways. But sometimes like, we allow ourselves to be in things

where it just goes one way. It's a one way street. There's no exit. This person is ruling over us and we have no say in what happens. And no taxation without representation. Facts. Rosen lasagna, medium power, 15 minutes.

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consider what I have to say. You don't have to agree with it, but you can at least hear me out, you can at least see where I'm coming from. And if I'm doing something that I want to do and benefits me and helps me with my emotions, helps me with my, you know, day-to-day just function, and you have a problem with that? I don't know. Then we have to reevaluate that. And it's weird, because it's not, it's not black and white. There are certain habits that somebody might have. There are certain things that maybe, you know, somebody might do that, that, that, that, that, that does affect the other person negatively. Of course.

And then it's a decision. Of course. Well, but Zerke said I come first. What? But that's life. And sometimes in life, you have to make sacrifices. Because in that,

you come first, sure, but it's up to you. What do you value more? Do you value this relationship more than the thing that you do or the habit that you have? or do you value the thing that you're doing, the habit that you have more than this relationship?

So it still, I mean, it still comes down to, you know, you coming first and you knowing that you have to make a decision that's correct for you and you have to live a life that is good for you, but these things will come up. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. They always do. They always do. You can't talk to all of your friends the same way because your friends are all different. And some people are more sensitive than others. You can't joke about certain things with certain people. I mean, it is what it is, right?

But once you realize that your needs are important and you should pick up the phone for yourself, and you realize, dang, what was I doing this entire time, Zerky Show? What was I doing? I was living for other people. That's what I was doing. Special announcement, you already know. Mail time with Zirki is coming soon.

If you want a chance to be a part of it, this is my Pio Box. please send something with this address. Ideas of what to send. A question you got. Maybe you want to just send a letter. Maybe you want to, I don't know, draw something. Like a cool thing from your hometown. I don't know.

Dude, totally open-ended. I just get a lot of questions. I get a lot of DMs. I can't reply to all of them. I'm sorry. I wish I could. I literally wish I could. But I figured this was a cool way to interact and make something special.

So, if you want to tap in, tap in. A very gentle reminder. The Zirky Show is everywhere. You can watch it. You can scroll it. You can also listen to it as you pretend to study for your exam. Bro, I've done that so many times.

I've literally been like, I'm going to study. And like five hours later, four YouTube rabbit holes later, I realize I'm probably going to get a C on this, and that's fine. And it's fine. Also, are you looking for some kind of advice? Do you have a question? you want to wish somebody happy birthday from the Zirky Show. Well, now you can do it, man.

We live in a world with a lot of possibilities, and getting a custom video from the Zirky Show is one of those possibilities. It is the Zirky Show on Cameo, taking requests. But know that this show is still here every single day, and that will not change. I love you guys. I appreciate you guys.

Do the things that bring you joy in this life. Try something new. Put yourself out of your comfort zone. you know, and you kind of feel like, ah, you feel squeamish. Yee! That's a good thing. It's a good thing. You'll get comfortable over time.

It will be weird. But why not try it out? If you're starting something new, know that I believe in you to do it. And also, for your journey, I am sending you lots of love and peace.