the zurkie show - when the world feels against you

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

stop keeping score.sending you all lots of love and peaaaaaaaaaace!https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow

I want to be able to enjoy my relationships without sabotaging myself. I want to be able to enjoy my life without feeling like I need to live up to a standard. I want to be able to do these things. But sometimes I don't think I understand that all of these things take work and effort and they take me being focused on them in order to make a change. I remember every time I've been done wrong by somebody. I don't forget it. And I allow that to fuel sometimes.

the things that I know aren't true about myself, but self-hatred needs some kind of fuel, and sometimes being the victim of something allows you to hate yourself even more. In my relationships right now, I am dealing with a serious issue, one that I didn't even really think I was doing or I wasn't aware of, until somebody, you know, brought it to my attention when I was bringing up things from the past and the ways that they had affected me and hurt me. They asked me, why am I keeping score? You're keeping score.

What does that mean I'm keeping score? This isn't a UEFA Champions League match. No, I'm not keeping score. I don't care who scores a hat trick. I don't care who hurts each other more, but I'm still keeping score. Okay, bars. but keeping score is not actually allowing yourself to repair the wounds.

It's just putting a band-aid over it and thinking it'll heal on its own. Keeping score is the equivalent of not being able to let go of something because you fear that you will be hurt more, and so you hold on to the things that pain you. I don't really have an answer onto how to stop this. This is something that I'm dealing with today. I am keeping score against the world. And it's not okay.

It's just not. It's not okay because it doesn't actually make me free and it doesn't allow me to focus on the things that matter. I spend most of my time in this stew of despair, anger, and just, like, upset. I'm just upset. No Drake. I'm upset. No. I just walk around angry. And usually these things aren't even, they weren't done by another person to directly harm me.

It's just how I interpreted them. I am using situations in my life as points to keep score. To give myself a reason to hate myself even more. To give myself a reason to feel like, no, nobody likes me. No, nobody cares for me. nobody in this world that actually appreciates me for who I am. Everyone's lying to me. And it's such a delusional thing and I'm so upset at myself that I believe in this. But it is hard. It is hard to accept that there is a different way. I don't want to believe it. You know, I hear from people around me like, dude, you're, you're doing okay. You're doing great. I don't want to believe it. It's like everything I've been taught is to believe the opposite. And the same thing with with the people in

my life, you know, sometimes it's just very difficult to accept that somebody could love you for who you are. And other times, it's difficult to accept that there isn't an ulterior motive to somebody being nice to you. And I think it's a habit of control. That's really what it is. You want to control the game. You want to control your suffering. You think that you'll get ahead of the ball if you just assume that what people are doing is they're, you know, belittling you or they're trying to, they're trying to ignore you so that you feel worse about yourself. When in fact, bro, like, I don't think people really read into it that deep. You're keeping score.

That's what you're doing. And you're keeping score because it's good. It's advantageous to you. When you have self-destructive habits, the hard thing is to admit that you have self-destructive habits. And the hard thing is to admit that the way that you're thinking is wrong when it feels good to be angry and upset. It does. It's this fuel. But then you realize that your anger and your pain, it actually harms other people. You know, when you spew rude things to your friends because you're assuming that they don't care about you,

or you, you know, tell your partner, like, I don't think what you're saying is even true. Like, you're just saying that to please me. It has an effect on other people. I'm sure you can think back to an argument you had with somebody where they were just so sold on their position in the argument. They were so convinced that you did something to harm them. They were so convinced that you did wrong. You were the cause of their pain. it's not a comfortable feeling and yet in so many instances where I've had these kind of conversations

and I've had these kind of arguments somehow I am the person now that is doing that to other people but when I do it it's okay it's not okay it's not I want to be able to enjoy my relationships without sabotaging myself I want to be able to enjoy my life without feeling like I need to live up to a standard. I want to be able to do these things, but sometimes I don't think I understand that all of these things take work and effort, and they take me being, being focused on them in order to make a change. Instead, what I opt for is being a bystander, an observer, a seat in the stadium of my own life, being able to yell like the players on the field can can hear me. They can't. And celebrate, you know, celebrate wins that aren't even mine. I've found

myself in a position where I'm keeping score. And there's a good chance you are too. There's a good chance that you have adopted this mindset as a way of preserving yourself. Because for me, it's, I just don't want to be hurt. I don't like the pain of being hurt. I mean, who does? Is there anybody in this world that really, oh, I like pain? No. I mean, you can work with pain and pain can be a good motivator, but it's not like it's the most goaded thing in the world. It's not. But keeping score against people and having this deep-rooted belief that the world is against you and that your relationships are against you and you can't trust anybody, it's just going to it's going to leave you nowhere. It's going to

leave you isolated. And it's a comfortable thought. It's a comfortable thought, the idea that, well, what if I just, I left it all behind? It's that whole cabin in the woods theory, right? Well, maybe if I was just a cabin boy, cabin girl, cabin person, I just chilled all day. I didn't have to interact with society because society is all flawed. Oftentimes it comes from the idea that you're perfect when you're not. And when you realize that you're not perfect, that's really where you go and you start keeping score on yourself. And then you can't, you cannot work with yourself and you cannot do anything. in your life because you're always betting against yourself. You're always remembering everything

that you did bad. You are keeping score instead of just helping yourself. I'm frustrated in some of my relationships right now. I'm frustrated with the way that things are going. I feel like I've lost steam in some of the things in my life. And it's leaving me in this position where it is easier to shift blame on other people instead of just examining myself and realizing, dang, I need help or dang I need to be the one to do it like nobody is going to do this for me it's easy to be the victim and you know people talk about victim

mentality and something oh I conquered my victim mentality but it will come back it will it's a comfortable thing and if you're used to just looking for bad in your life and you're used to dealing with moments of you know pain by becoming the victim of your pain, it's something you constantly have to work with. For me, I have no problem when it comes to the adversity in my work, you know, in things with myself sometimes. I'm, you know, my diet, my health, my fitness, like I can deal with that kind of adversity. I can deal with the emotion of not wanting to go to the gym or I can deal with the emotion of like,

oh, like, man, I would want to break my, you know, my deal with my, deal with my, that I'm not eating out. I can deal with that kind of stuff. But when it comes to the relationships that are closest to me, like, you know, a partner, a family member, a friend, those are, I think, the moments where I, you know, the relationships and the moments that people please the most. When a country's productivity cycle is broken, people feel it in their paychecks, their communities, their futures. What does this mean for individuals, communities, and businesses across the country? Join business leaders, policymakers, and influencers for CGs' national series on the Canadian standard of living, productivity, and innovation. Learn what's driving Canada's productivity

decline and discover actionable solutions to reverse it. That I really care what other people think and I care about wanting control in those relationships because if I don't have control, I fear that I will be wronged. This is a deep theme in my life. Maybe it's one in yours. This paranoia, that it's just a matter of time. But nobody's out to get me. And a lot of the problems that I deal with in my relationships, you know, maybe like a lack of intimacy or, you know, a lack of initiation. Like, you haven't called me in a long time. What's going on? on, right? These things, I assume, I assume the worst already. I don't give them a chance to really work themselves out. I don't give them a chance in the sense of, you know, isolating the problem

being like, okay, I'm dealing with this, but let me do everything I can to address this situation. And let's see how it, how, if it gets better. My inclination is to just not try. It's to just say, It's cooked. It's done. Like, that is my first inclination because it allows me to keep score and it allows me to find more things to dislike about the current state that I'm in. And it allows me to be more mad and more upset. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. It's gotten such a chokehold on my life.

And it has, it's just, like, created these repeat problems with the people closest to me. And it's gotten to the point now where I don't even want to, like, address them because I'm scared. I'm scared because I know what the answer is. The answer is that I'm keeping score. I think it's a, it's an accountability thing, Zirky Show. We have to be just accountable. And one thing I think that really does help me is being able to take some space from a situation. That allows me to have, like, a level head on things.

And in a lot of ways, this show, right, is great. I love it. But it's also therapeutic for me because it gives me a break. Maybe you need a break. Maybe you need to go on that walk. You need to go and shoot on an open goal for like an hour and a half. You need these things. You know, you do them as a kid because that's just, it's something to do.

You're bored. But now in a world where we can't even be bored for like more than five seconds because we have the impulse of a goldfish. you know it's easy to to leave no room for yourself to think and to digest a lot of these problems it's easy to keep score

it's harder to play the game it's easy to comment on things right before you even really ask yourself what your role in them is don't keep score in your relationships like somebody is not trying to deliberately hurt you. I'm kind of talking to myself here because this is something that I do like today. I just think that every small inconvenience or every small little tear or, you know, comment,

it's a personal attack. And, A, if you're getting disrespected, okay, if somebody is really being rude to you, that's a different story. But if it's just like a simple mistake or a miscommunication, Or if it is just a certain moment where you two are not on the same page, treat it that way. Don't treat it like this person is trying to just go against you or that they don't love you anymore or that they hate you. Like, I wish that I cleared more things up. It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell.

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just deserved attention because you know silence is good it's good sometimes but sometimes when you know what you should say and you know what needs to be said and you deliberately

go against that silence it's a form of sabotage it is yeah yeah it is it is a form of sabotage you're keeping score you're keeping score you're keeping score and don't be too hard on yourself it's okay you know we need to feel these things

and we need to go through the moments of you know going down i-35 and nearly crying you know you need these kind of of moments a lot of us don't even you know process things after months after they happen you know a lot of us don't even process the things that have happened in our current relationships. Like, some of the things that, you know, your friends or your partner or your parents will tell you, like, you don't really think about it in the moment, maybe because you're people pleasing, but they're hefty, bro. You feel them. And it's okay for them to be a little bit, you know, sticky and kind of hold on to you and make you question certain things about yourself. But I think I've been weaponizing too many things in my life.

for for bad reasons and I think that I haven't let myself just like acknowledge that maybe things are rough right now maybe I don't feel content in certain friendships or I feel like I'm not desired in the world or I feel like I'm just not seen for the person that I am and not even from other people but from myself that's oftentimes what it is it's it's you know I have great friends I have, you know, a great partner. I have great parents. It's just the relationship with myself has fallen to a neglectful stance. And I think I just need some alone time to kind of fix it and to work on it. And it won't be overnight. It'll have to take months. But it's rough. But the world isn't out to get you. I know that it feels that way. I certainly feel that sometimes that, you know,

you got like five things that go wrong. You know, you try to, you try to make a salad. I don't know if you guys run this meta, but when I make a salad, one of those salads that you can buy from Aldi or from H.E.B. that are in a bag. Or for you in the UK, Tesco, or what other Gregs? No, no, no, no. You don't buy salads at Gregs. You buy sausage rolls at Gregs, which are awesome. I love sausage rolls from Gregs. But when I make a salad, I usually put it in, in like a bowl that has a top so I can like shake it. And I can, uh, you know, make sure that all the ingredients, mix the perfect way. You know, the other day, I had these new bowls that have this, like, whole opening

in the top where you can put, like, a shredder, you can put, like, a slicer. And I just, you know, covered it. And as I was shaking my salad, the entire thing, like, exploded, like a volcano eruption. And my entire salad, instead of being, you know, in my mouth and going down into my stomach, it was on the floor, which was awesome. That was exactly what I wanted to happen. And that's when the score started to be kept, because then it was like, that happened. Then I was expecting a call that never came, and I was like, what is going on?

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Even right now. My goodness, you're being ghosted. You're being, you know, left out of the friend group. Big bros not inviting you to the to the pickup basketball game. Okay. Go do your own thing. Channel that energy, that negativity into doing something that's actually going to benefit you.

Because sitting and stewing and something is just like, it's wicked. No wicked stew. It's just wicked. Like it's not, it's not going to do anything for you. Rarely does it. Rarely does it. And if I'm honest, you know, sometimes these negative feelings, they can be the best motivation, man. That's what got me in the gym.

But there's a certain relationship that you have to build with yourself to understand when to use it. Because using negative fuel all the time can really make you a master of pessimism and it can really make you a master of isolation. Because you'll just believe that nobody, nobody understands you. nobody is here for you and it will really inhibit you from making true relationships and trust keeping score is a lack of trust that's really what it is it's a lack of trust it's a lack of trust that a mistake can happen that somebody can genuinely just mess up and it's not meant to be malicious in the way that you think it is i'm not saying that you should take disrespect I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to your gut.

And if somebody is, you know, being rude to you or they're just, they're ignoring you that, oh, that isn't the case. Because there is, there is danger in just being blindly optimistic because sometimes people are cruel. Yeah. Sometimes people do things on purpose. And they'll gaslight you into thinking that, no, no, what? No, I'd never do that. Yes, they would. Yes, they would.

It's an option. But it's not fact. It's not fact. And where keeping score, I think, falls short is you start to believe that the world being against you is a fact. Instead of like, today's not my day. Or instead of, you know what, it was a miscommunication. We move forward. We're going to address it.

And so you start adding this baggage onto your shoulders and you start looking at the world as something that is inevitably just against you all the time when that's like, isn't always the case. It's never the case. I don't know. Maybe, maybe it is. You know what? Maybe the world is against you. It's against all of us. No, but listen, like, de facto, you're going to suffer in life. I'm sorry. That's just, that's the price of admission.

Okay. That's the cover that you pay going into adulthood, going into life, is that you will have some kind of suffering. Like, it will not be easy. It will suck at times. It really will. The beauty is, you get just, choose what suffering you have oftentimes. You get to choose if you can lessen your load of suffering or if you can, you know, dig yourself deeper into a hole and experience more and more pain.

You might not believe that's the case. You might believe that that's just cap. But I urge you to really look at a lot of the issues in your life and a lot of the problems that you have. What degree of accountability could you have taken for them? There's more to life than finding the perfect car. But finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life. Like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road, and the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams, or the van that's gone from just practical to practically family.

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Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sit. Play. Post. Taste. View. And enjoy.

Via Rail, love the way. Well, nobody wanted to be my friend. Everyone was, you know, against me, and I was at this college, and nobody wanted to say hi. But did you go out of your way to even introduce yourself and tell people who you were? Well, this girl was just ignoring me, and, you know, I had a crush on her, and she knew. Did she actually know you had a crush on her? Or is that something you sold yourself? Because you made eye contact twice.

bro. That's not how it works. You're shutting the door before leaving it open and being able to peer into something and just seeing if there's any kind of progress or anything could have, you know, been done. You're keeping score. It's more comfortable that way. It's less comfortable to actually look at the situation and realize what you did wrong and trust. And listen, I think trust is a whole another topic I'd love to get into because it's something I struggle with and I still have like a complicated relationship with it. I feel like I can trust myself on certain things but not everything. And then with other people I almost feel like when I do trust somebody I'm always expecting the worst. And I think that's just something I've taken from my experience and it's not actually

true and I have to be open to trusting more people and being able to just just, just see what happens. But it's a gradual change. It's not something that will happen overnight. I'm not going to be too hard on myself. Neither should you. If you have somebody that you've been holding a grudge against, maybe you feel negatively towards them.

You want them almost to feel bad for the fact that they don't even realize that you're angry at them. I would really urge you to address it. I would really urge you to just ask them what's going on. I would really urge you to just like tell them how you feel. Maybe that won't solve the problem. You know, chances are it won't work itself out, but it's a start. It's a change of a pattern.

And instead of keeping score, what you do is you're in it. You're in the game of life. You're playing it and you're trying to make a chance out of something. You're trying to, you know, maybe make a save. on a miscommunication, you're just giving somebody a chance, and giving yourself a chance. And who knows? Maybe things are still going to be mid afterwards, but you'll be able to say that you gave it a shot. And oftentimes, you won't know until you try. And if it's between never knowing and at least knowing for sure, I'd choose the option of knowing for sure, Zirky Show.

And you got to know for sure if you're keeping score. Because if you are, you better stop! Today's episode of The Zerky Show was filmed in Canyon, Lake, Texas. What a beautiful little place. Man, I'm sitting by the lake. I'm enjoying the heat and the fact that I'm being cooked in the sun. It's awesome. I really, really like this place, and it is beautiful.

Oh, my gosh. Did you know that The Zirky Show is everywhere you go? That is correct. You can watch it. You can scroll it. You can stream it. The choice is yours. If you want to tell a friend or if you want to tell a friend,

or if you want to tap in yourself, these are the best ways to tap in. Do the things that bring you joy. Ask out your crush, okay? Sit in a car, at a parking garage, chill, listen to some music, have some talks about your emotions and what you want to do in the future. Live life. Okay. Go swimming. When was the last time you swam somewhere?

Go hiking. Enjoy yourself. You get one life. I'm trying to do more of it. It's hard. It's not easy, especially when you're growing up. But Zerky Show, if you're trying something new, just know that I believe in you. And as always, I am sending you lots of love and peace.

This is free? Crazy.