the zurkie show - why love feels impossible

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

do you love yourself? i do, sometimes. but sometimes i don't feel worthy of it. https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow

No, but why is he glazing himself? You need to glaze yourself. Rewind. You need to glaze yourself. There have been so many moments in my life where I feel as if my lover boyness was disregarded. And it hurt a lot. The truth of the matter, it's made me ask a really important question. Which is, am I worthy of love?

Right off the bat when I look at that, I think of. everything that would make me unworthy of love. I think of how I look at myself in the mirror and how sometimes I hate how I look and I hate the fact that I tell myself I'm going to get into shape and then I binge eat or that I'm going to stay free of watching certain things online that mess up my mental and I do it anyways because I disrespect myself and the truth of the matter is I'm human. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm the last thing to perfect. I have so many faults, but that's what makes me lovable. The fact that I tell myself I'm going to wake up at 8 a.m. and I wake up at 2 p.m. It happens. It happens. That's what makes me human. I'm always

trying my best. I always want to strive to be someone that I'm proud of. But sometimes I don't, I don't feel like I'm worthy of love. And what's even worse is, is oftentimes things will happen in your personal life that echo this, that falsely echo this. You go on a date with someone and you, you're hitting it off and you guys are like elite level soulmates or something. And then all of a sudden the person you're going out with, they start to pull back. And you ask, why are you pulling back? Why are you not as intimate with me? What's going on? And they say, well, it's not you. It's me. It's, it's me. Something's wrong with me. You just, you don't know. You don't know. And it's, weird. And it makes you question if you're, if you're worthy of love. I've had relationships that

maybe the other person was being genuine. Maybe, maybe something was really going on in their personal life, but it made me feel unattractive the fact that they no longer wanted to be with me, that something was wrong with me, when maybe something wasn't wrong with me. I'm very critical about my body. I've gained weight since I was in high school and honestly I've been on a mini weight loss journey. It's been cool to get back in shape. But throughout college, I would just destroy my body. Not even with, you know, drinking or anything like that. I would destroy it. I would destroy it with food. In college, I had the unlimited dining hall pass. And when I would ask myself some nights, am I worthy of love? And I would tell myself, no, I'm not. I'm a loser and I'm

ugly and nobody's ever going to love me. I would just go and eat like three bowls of lucky charms. Because who cares? There's no self-respect when you're not lovable. Why would you be deserving of that? Bring on another round of fries and chicken wings until you feel sick. You know, it's a dangerous thing. And the truth is, I am worthy of love. I am worthy of it. If it comes from nobody else, it comes for me. I'm worthy of loving myself.

Because what's the point in hating myself? I've already done that. I've done that, like, all of my life. And what is, it's gotten me nowhere. It has gotten me literally nowhere. It has made me push people away from me way more. And I even noticed it this weekend because I was making comments about, you know, like stupid stuff, you know, like my weight or like, oh, my hair, my hair lines cooked. Oh, you know, like stupid stuff like that that has been heavily influenced by the stuff that I've seen online and I'm susceptible to.

And a lot of my friends were like, dude, shut up. Like, what are you talking about? Like, this is, you're really hard on yourself and it's kind of like, it's kind of unattractive. It's kind of weird. There's a difference between keeping yourself to a high standard. and like wanting excellence from yourself, but like denying yourself of love, it's cringe. It's cringe.

Oh, I'm unworthy. No one's going to love me. You know what, whatever. So what? So what that no one's going to love me? If that's really the irrational fear that I have, that I'm going to die alone and that I'm never going to have somebody. So what?

I have me. And I want to go through my whole life hating this person that I am. I can't change. I am who I am. I can change things about myself. I can get into better habits. But at the end of the day, I'm me, and I got to accept who I am. There are certain habits that I have, certain things that I do, that maybe I don't like, and those are changeable.

Oh, I think I'm overweight. I can go to the gym. I can start eating better. I can be healthier. Go on more walks in nature. I can do that. Oh, but no one's going to like this about me and this thing. I can't change the fact that I have, you know, the hairline that I do right now.

I could. I could. But I'm not going to. I don't want to change that. It's nature, whatever. Am I cooked chat? Whatever. I don't care.

It's fine. There are so many redeeming things about me. Yes, I might be poor at time management. Yes, I'm an overcommitter. Yes, I, you know, I'm not perfect. And yes, sometimes I lash out and I crash out over stupid stuff. Yes, I do that. but I'm worthy of love.

I'm worthy of love. We need to treat each other and ourselves with love, bro. And it's a weird thing. It's a weird thing, you know, because part of me is like, oh, am I compromising my masculinity by saying this? I don't even care anymore because whatever, I'll say I love myself and you should probably love yourself too if you want to have a good life and make progress in it.

Because hating yourself is just going to... It's one of those, you know, circular slides that just keeps going down. You can't and you know you're trying like as a kid you would try to climb up it and you would slide down and face plant So I'd rather be on the slide of love and it goes up and down bro There's days where you're not gonna love yourself as much as others, but you the baseline is you got to You got to because if you can't love yourself if you don't feel like you're worthy of love Then nobody else is going to give you that love nobody nobody nobody will

I've closed myself off to so much because I was in my head about who I was because I wasn't perfect. I've closed myself off to relationships. I've created narratives in my brain that weren't true. I would tell myself I'll never be lovable. You know, it's over. I should just sit in my room and do nothing and not try. And it's just not the way to live life. It's just not.

And I'm trying to tell you this because I wish I would have heard this. when I was younger because so many people tell you like, no, no, that's good that you hate yourself. Good, good. Go to the gym, lock in. But at some point, you lose that fuel. You start messing up. You're going to mess up in life so many times.

You will mess up. You will make mistakes. I've obsessed over trying to be perfect so many times in my life. And I just, time and time again, you're going to mess up. And it's okay. It's fine. That makes you human. It's one thing to mess up and not learn from it.

It's another thing to mess up and be like, all right, next time I'm going to catch myself. I don't want to be going to bed at 3 a.m. Okay, let me be intentional. 11 p.m. I cut out the electronics. I go to sleep. Let me show that respect for myself, that love for myself. Because if you do it, nobody else is going to do it.

No one else will. The same unconditional love that some of us have from our parents, some of us have from our friends, whoever, have that for yourself. And I still have days like today where it's like, I slowly feel the thoughts creeping in of like, I'm so unlovable. I'm such a loser. I'm like, where are those thoughts coming from? Is it coming from the fact that I didn't show love for myself earlier? For me, yes, tenfold. It's the fact that I'm giving a little bit of evidence towards this thought of like, well, I didn't wake up on time. That wasn't really loving of myself. So that means no one's going to love me for me. I got to play a character because I can't even love myself.

When the reality is, it's one mistake. I think a lot of us are very hard on ourselves now. Because we see other people in positions that are attracting partners, whether that's, you go on your feed and you see someone with millions of dollars and they're going on, come with me to Ken. Kuhn with my boyfriend and you're like dude I'm making like 10 bucks an hour at this dead end job and like how I want to have a family I want to have a girlfriend and it's like over for me I'm never going to do that and then you just go down the hate you're just like well it's over the time that we we spend on that kind of thought pattern and that kind of rhetoric is time we could be spending doing the things we loved and the things that give us evidence that we love ourselves

treating ourselves to a walk in the park, to going to a class. When was the last time you took the money that you made at your job and you spent it on a class to learn something for yourself? Pottery, crochet, I don't know, spray painting. When was the last time we did that? We don't do those things because it's easier to subscribe to the rhetoric of being unlovable. It's easier. It's free.

It's like a giveaway. It's a gift card giveaway. It's free. Don't need to do anything. It's, oh, well, I'm unlovable, so it's whatever. I don't care. It takes effort. It takes effort to love yourself.

It's not easy. You know why? I know this? Because I battle with that every day. I have to make a conscious choice to do it. And there's moments where I feel myself. I'm feeling myself. I'm feeling myself.

I'm feeling. I'm feeling. I'm feeling myself. But those are far and few in between. Because I don't create the chances for me to feel like, I'm feeling myself. Real talk. I got to do better at that.

I feel myself when I'm somewhere and I go up and start a conversation with someone and I talk to them. And there's no strings attached. I'm not risen. I just am talking to them and I'm in the moment. And I'm being me. I'm being extroverted and I'm happy with who I am. I don't feel that way when I'm laying in bed. Just beating myself up.

Being like, oh, you suck. Oh, you suck. Oh, you. This person is doing better than you. Oh, you're so mid. Oh, you're unlovable. No one's going to love you. But that's easier. The bed is warm and cozy.

Going outside and talking to someone takes effort. Frozen lasagna, medium power, 15 minutes. Sounds like Ojo time. Let's play. Feel the fun with Play-Ojo. The online casino with all the latest slot and live casino games. What you win is yours to keep. With no wagering requirements, instant payouts, and no minimum withdraws.

Hey, I just won. Woo-hoo! Feel the fun. Play, oh, Joe. Honey, forget about the lasagna. Let's celebrate. 19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

Concern about your gambling or that of someone close to you. Call 16-531-2600 or visit Connexonterio.ca. Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that.

And enjoy. Via Rail. Love the Way. Going and learning something takes effort. It takes me. having to treat myself like I'm a 10 year old and being like, come on. No, I don't want to go. I want to play Minecraft. No, come on. You're going.

We're going to learn this. Like, we're going to learn how to do stained glass. I don't care. No, I want to play Minecraft. No, we're going. It's like done. Let's go. Get in the car. Get some coffee. Salted. No, but why is he glazing himself? You need to glaze yourself.

You need to. Rewind. You need to glaze yourself. You have to. Admit it. How hard is it to actually say that you did something good? It's pretty difficult, right? Oh, I mean, I scored two goals today.

That's incredible. Oh, but I should have had a third. No, you scored two goals today. That's incredible. Focus on that. You can fix the stuff that you did wrong. That's fine. But we have to acknowledge when you do good.

Oh, well, I only studied for an hour today, and I should have studied for four. That's okay. That's okay. We'll focus on the one hour that we studied, and the other three, we're going to get them next time. Now you know, what got you off track?

What made you distracted? Well, I started listening to music, and I couldn't stop, like, you know, dancing at Two Hollis jeans. Okay, well, no playing Too Hollis while you study. Play something else. Play some lofi jazz or some lofi beats to study to.

I don't know. but like the self-love is is so important bro because i i i'm very afraid that there are a lot of people who just don't they don't and they're like nah it's cooked for me and it's not cooked for you it's not and i'm low-key speaking to myself because sometimes i'd be thinking i'm cooked it's over for me that a relationship like that's that's done it's gone i'm 23 i'm cooked I should have had a girlfriend in college In high school, I'm done if I want to have all those things It's like this is dumb

I'm listening to myself and I'm like That's really stupid That's dumb that I think that way It's not true It's not true It's just this needs to change Am I worthy of love? Yes

I am worthy of love Everyone is worthy of love No matter how imperfect you are No matter what you've done if you're willing to be a good person, you're willing to love yourself, you're worthy of love. Zerky Show.

This was a hard one. This has been laying heavy on my chest because I do be feeling that I'm not worthy sometimes and it's not true and I'm trying to change that because I'm done living this way. It's not a good way to live and I want to love myself. I want to be a good person and I want to be better. And it's one step that I got to take.

that's a hard one. Do the things that bring you love, do the things that bring you joy. Just remember that I love you and I believe in you. This goes without saying, but we are in unprecedented times. I don't really know what's going on. They don't even know what's flying over New Jersey. Is it a drone? Is it a UFO?

The one thing I do know, though, is the Zerky Show is here to stay. You can watch it or you can listen to a. Whatever you fancy, we've got you covered. It's not going to happen overnight, but try a little bit to just love yourself and find the things you appreciate about yourself. Zirky Show.