the zurkie show - you can’t save someone who wants to drown

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

you might think you're a conversation away...or even a few promises away from seeing someone reach their potential.but if it's driving you mad, how is that fair to you?sending you all lots of love and peaaaaaaaace!https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow

When should you give up on somebody, on something, on a dream, on yourself, when is it okay to finally call quits and tell yourself it wasn't worth it? It never was. Well, I think if you're looking at things that way, what's the point of doing anything? Because a lot of us, we like to relish in the mistakes that we've made in the past instead of recognizing that if we had not made them, we would have never learned. But with people, it's different because there's a lot more time that gets... sunk into relationships that don't really do anything for us. We like to say that, oh, we're just dating around or whatever. It's just, it is what it is. But it isn't because it's your time. And your time in this life is very valuable. And oftentimes you'll kind of feel a little bit weird

if things don't work out the way that you thought they would. I think part of it is that you hold on way too much on how things are supposed to look, especially with other people. And you focus on things you can't control and try to manipulate the way that something will go. I know for my for me for a fact I was obsessed with control and relationships. I just wanted to know that what I was doing was good was right and what I would ignore was the day-to-day signs that we were never going to be compatible. We would never work and I would just continue to lie to myself and tell myself no no no this This isn't a sinking ship. No, no, no.

The fact that there are a couple red flags that are going on and, you know, all the sirens in the cockpit are going, pull up, break up, break up, you know. I just kept flying the plane until it crashed and I was looking at the wreckage being like, I could have low-key prevented that. When do you give up on somebody? I think you already have. If you're thinking about it, you're kind of at your last point. point. You've tried. You did everything you could. You tried to show them how beautiful they were, how great they were. You tried to be honest and understanding. And you also tried to save them. And that was your mistake. But how do you deal with something if you went into a relationship thinking that somebody else was whole and was perfect and was good? I think that you also made a mistake of assuming that. A lot of us rush into things.

We think right away that we have similar interests. We like someone. We're attracted to them. It's a catch. We're locking it in. Instead of taking our time and kind of allowing the course of a relationship to develop, we just jump to conclusions. This is our soulmate.

This is our partner. This is the person that we're supposed to spend the rest of our life with. And you begin in your mind to build this building of memories that you want to have together, different standards they need to hit because you are viewing them not as a human being, but as this romanticizing. partner in your mind. It's foolish. But all of us will do it. Just because it's foolish doesn't mean that we're not going to make the mistake of thinking somebody is better than they are. And it's okay. Don't hold it against yourself. But I think that giving up on somebody is already framed in a way that you had some kind of key to them. You had some kind of answer to all of their problems and their

you know, self-pity and lack of self-worth, you didn't. What you had control over and what you should carry into whatever next relationship you're going into is knowing where to set the boundaries and knowing what you can help and what you can't. Because what happens is a lot of us become a therapist in our relationships. We don't become a partner. And instead of being someone that's treated equally, we just become the soundboard for everyone else's issues. We become someone that's overlooked. We see the questions of how we're doing and what we're interested in and what we want less and less. And we begin to shift our entire personality and mold it into being a receptacle for emotions, for self-worth,

for anger, for a lack of trust. And then you, you're just a little. And then you're just to be a self-worth, for a lack of trust. And then you kind of become accustomed to this dynamic where somebody is pouring into you, but instead of pouring into you things that are good and uplifting you, they're actually draining your energy

and they're taking more. And what ends up happening is you feel like your entire existence in a relationship is to just be a backdrop. for somebody else's failing play. And so that's your role. You let somebody do their dance.

You kind of watch, you observe, you try to give, you know, reasonable evidence, hey, you should think about doing this differently. You hate your job, your retail job. Maybe you should think about doing something different. And every time that you try to give some kind of piece of advice, it gets shut down and it will. It will. again I don't think the focus is in the right place

and I think that you feel chained to this person and you feel like because you've sunk in so much time because you guys were intimate at one point that that will forever stay the same but again relationships change people change oh I should have known they were going to be like this again why would you fault yourself you had no idea when do you give up on someone

because what if you do see the good in them? What if you do see that they want to actually change? They want to do better. When is it worth having the patience and having the understanding, okay, I'm in it for the long haul? I think it's in the characteristics. That's really what the relationship comes down to. It's in the things that you overlook when you're really upset or it's in the things that keep your relationship afloat. For a lot of us, that's trust.

Do you trust your partner? Are they trustworthy? For some of us, maybe it's loyalty. Are they loyal? Like, are they not just kind of going around, you know, lusting for something else? Are they reliable? If you ask them to come pick you up at the airport, will they come pick you up or will they find some kind of excuse?

Traffic was so bad. That's why you're an hour and a half late. Traffic was that bad. Where are you driving? Rome? Again, the characteristics are what matter. That's what's going to continue to build your relationship. But also, I don't think you should look at what's going on right now as, well, this is just a moment.

It's not. Obviously, there's some kind of discomfort. Obviously, you're not happy. We can admit that. Obviously, you feel like something is going down the drain. And I think it's worth examining that feeling and asking yourself, what are you so tied to here? Why is it so hard to leave somebody? Well, it's because you've put in time.

Maybe some of your own personality has been sunk into this relationship and you feel like this is the only thing that defines you. With every sunset, no matter how beautiful, how wonderful, the sun's going to rise the next day. and just kind of telling yourself, well, this is it. You hold on to things that are so bad for you because you're afraid of being alone, because you're afraid of change, because you're afraid of going down the path that you know is going to be better for you,

but there's no clear, stable option. When do you give up on somebody? What if that somebody is yourself? When do you tell yourself, I'm done? It's over. We tried. I don't trust you anymore. I think that you can't give up on yourself. But if the version of yourself is working against you and does not have your best interests, I think you've got to bin it.

You got to get rid of them. And this is something that you will realize in your life, you are going to be your best friend. And if you guys can't have a working relationship, if you can't figure out a way for your inner critic to shut up at the moments where you're supposed to be happy and accept. about things if you can't tell the part of you that loves to get distracted to figure itself out find some kind of other dopamine source and just be interested in this one thing so you can focus it will carry on for the rest of your life and if you're not willing to change the way that you perceive yourself and the way that you look at all of the things that have been dealt in your life as a setback as adversity as

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You're going to give up. You're going to give up. And this life is long. And it's hard. And it's it's draining I think it's worth developing a better relationship

I think it's worth the work the therapy the long nights of yearning the long nights of writing of journaling of talking

of telling yourself okay this isn't really what I want but there is more and you don't have to look too much further it's all about the way you perceive things If there's somebody that, you know, you're inspired by, you idolize, realizing that they are just human and they figured these things out the same way that you could, maybe not in the exact same way, but with your own journey, it might be actually worth it. That's how you don't give up. And maybe part of it is you're trying to hold on to the old version of yourself a little too hard.

you're trying to just in a kind of selfish way indulge a little bit too much in the negativity that you've brought into your own world to the point where losing that and thinking wait all of this might have been for nothing it hurts I mean imagine that imagine all the breakups you went through all the friendships that you ended all of the the moments in your life where you asked yourself why is this happening to me and you come to the realization that none of that you needed to go through in the way that you did. You didn't have to have such a negative outlook on all of these things. You had no control over.

And you didn't have to punish yourself for things that you didn't do. I don't think that's a reality check that people like. But it's 100% most of the time they want, the one they need. So what do we do now? You're kind of having second thoughts. You've told yourself, okay. maybe I do need to give up maybe I do have to let go of this

I think the answer is you got to realize that it's not in your control anymore because if things were meant to go the way that you thought in your mind they would they would have but they haven't so you have to let go you do have to let go of them you do have to stop

trying to push them and you just have to tell them I'm here for you if you need it, but I cannot be the person that will change you. You have to support them and you have to set boundaries. It's a weird thing. Well, where is the difference? Aren't you supposed to be somebody's, you know, concierge,

especially if you're their best friend on how to fix their problems? Well, no, not quite. You can still support somebody without being the person that they just yap at about all their problems. You can also hear them out. Sometimes you'll have to do that. But, bro, you've got to live your own life here. And in the relationships that are tanking your energy,

taking time away from the one thing that you have, which is your youth right now, where the one thing that you have, which is the shot at this career, at this education, why would you sacrifice all of that for somebody who's not taking you seriously? Who does not want to change? Simply put, I will say it in. Instead of, you know, you thinking, oh, as he's trying to say, they're never going to change, they won't. They won't. Not if you're waiting on it. Again, it's out of your control. And in the same way, what about yourself? Like, does that mean that I'm out of control of changing anything? No. No. But it does mean becoming a new person. And I don't know if you're ready for that. If you are, prove me. wrong, but that is one of the most uncomfortable things that you will go through in your entire life.