the zurkie show - you need to stop hating yourself

Episode Date: May 16, 2025

having standards for excellence and being hard on yourself are two different things, but oftentimes we just lump them together.the greats have standards, but they don't beat themselves up more than they have to.if you want to work with yourself to achieve anything in life, you must be fair. you must be able to look into your habits and lifestyle and truly acknowledge if you're doing enough.sending you all lot's of love and peaaaaaaaace!https://stan.store/thezurkieshow⁠

Isn't being hard on yourself a good thing? Isn't that what we've been taught to think is what builds champions and people who do incredible things? It seems like everyone all the time is telling you you're not good enough, you need to do more, you look at somebody online, they're doing way more than you are. But I'm tired, bro. I'm tired. All the time. This standard, I'm not good enough.

I'm not doing enough. I need to be this kind of man. I need to be this kind of provider, this kind of individual. I need to be the kid that is doing better than his peers. Why? Why? Are you being fair? Are you being fair to yourself?

Because I'm not. I'm not. I'm very hard on myself. Honestly, it's very hard for me to find things that I like about myself. And that is after years of acknowledging that, yes, I am hard on myself and figuring out that, you know what? I need to take a step back and really realize that I'm doing enough. I'm doing enough.

And honestly, I am not going to be perfect. And honestly, I am going to have days where I think I am a bad friend. I'm a bad collaborator. I'm behind schedule. I will have days where I know that I could have done better, but I chose not to. I will have days that I'm not good. But that is because I'm human. And it's a weird pill to swallow,

especially when, you know, we've grown up with this standard of perfection, and that's what's infected all of our minds. We can't even exist normally because somebody out there is doing better than you. But that's not being fair. Because we all start at a different point in our lives. We all start with different resources. We all start with a different idea of what life should look like. And for us to compare ourselves to each other, it's kind of foolish. Now, don't get me wrong. You know, there's also a mentality that people have, which is like, you shouldn't have any expectations. You shouldn't have any kind of standard.

And hold on. Like, it's good to have standards. It's good to have a certain idea of the person that you want to be. But it's bad to just put it in this chokehold. That is the only thing. That is the only thing. I cannot accept that I've had a good day unless I've hit every single part of my routine. And guess what?

When I put that standard on myself, I hit none of it. I do none of it. I'm not being fair. And that expectation trickles onto other people. You start to put this kind of pressure on other people, and you think that that's okay, and it's not. It's not because it's not fair. We've done that now with dating. A lot of us have super high standards, and it's like half the things we don't even do ourselves.

We just demand it from other people because we think we can demand it from other people. When in reality, when you point your finger, you got three-pointing right back at you. Shout out Terry. Terry taught me that one, a homie from the gym. It's not fair. It's not fair. And I think in times where I'm the most frustrated, that's when I'm honestly the least fair to myself.

And I don't like it. I don't like it. And recently I had something happened in my life where I got really upset with myself. because I wasn't thinking 20 steps ahead, you know. I felt like I was really letting myself down, and I was doing something reckless, you know. There's also times where, you know, I feel like I'm resting too much,

and I should be working harder. But it's like, dude, that's not fair. It's not fair. I know, I know. It seems super cool to be on the grind 24-7. And there is a certain image that comes with that, that you're hardworking. But you aren't, for a lot of us, that's not really being hard working. We're working a lot, but that doesn't mean that we're working hard or that we're being efficient with our time.

Because those are not the same thing. Like, you can work a lot and do nothing. A lot of people do that. Or you can be selective about how you work. My problem is that I am not fair to myself and I feel like I need to keep up a certain image to other people. when in reality I can make mistakes and I can be human and I can do something that's questionable. Okay. And sometimes I'm going to, you know, you're going to do that.

One day you're negotiating with suppliers. The next, you're installing a shelf in the back room. Running a business means moving in many directions all the time. TD's new small business banking accounts are built for how your business moves. It's how we're making banking more human. You're honestly, if you don't upset people in your life, you're not doing it right. You're not. Now, I'm not saying that you should go and, you know, I don't know, disrespect people, spit on their shoes, spit on their J's. Don't do that. Dude, don't do that.

Okay. That's like some insane disrespect. If someone spit on my J's in 2018, I had the, I still have them to this day. I bought the UNC Jordan ones. That was when the Virgil ones, rest in peace, came out. And I was so, I was like, I don't want the Virgil ones. I said, I didn't want them because I couldn't afford them. But I was like, I don't want them because I want to get the OGs. And I got the OG Jordans, the UNCs, and the Unks go so hard, dude. Those are my favorite shoes I think I own. I don't own like a lot, but those are one of my favorites.

Anyways, you will make mistakes. Stop putting yourself in this hole that you can't do that. And I'm telling you to do that because I do that. I do that. And I'm learning what it is like to internalize maybe some of these feelings and speak through action instead of beating myself down. Because it's not constructive. It doesn't do anything good for you. You know, it's like being in the rain.

Like the rain is actually a really beautiful thing. I actually love being in the rain. A lot of people don't like the rain. And they think that rain is bad. And it's like, oh, well, it's time to lay inside. bro, go on a walk in the rain. It's really, really beautiful. And I think that you would be happy if you did it. Just give it a shot. Be open-minded to it. But you know, you can choose to treat the rain as something that is going to destroy your whole day. You had plans to go to the mall and now you can't because it's raining. Bra, really? Anyways, you can treat it as such. Or you can give the rain its respect and be like, no, I'm still do my thing in it. Like, it's cool. I'm still going to sit outside. I'm going to enjoy it. Yes, I will get wet. But we have the saying in Poland, in Polish, called, it goes a little something like this. It's, um, Neesterjshrilyne's sucru.

That's when you, you know, you're telling somebody, I don't want to go outside. They say, Neesterjester's drovianness, sucru. It means like, you're not made of sugar. It's not like you're going to go outside and get melted by the rain. You're going to be okay. And I think that's being fair. It's like, yeah, the rain is here, but we can still enjoy going outside, enjoying life. And in the same context, like,

You can enjoy making mistakes. You can. Honestly, you need to make mistakes. And you'll make mistakes in a lot of things. I've made mistakes in being vulnerable to people, the way in which I was vulnerable. Because I wasn't actually being vulnerable. I was kind of lying to myself and I was saying things that I thought they needed to hear.

And when it came to actually saying what I wanted to say, it felt really uncomfortable and weird and I didn't like it. But that meant that I was actually doing it. A lot of us think that. that other people can read our minds. No, they can't. No, they can't. Well, if I show that I'm upset, then they'll know.

It's like not a lot of us can pick up on that. Everyone is different. It's good if you have somebody that knows that, but like, if you're upset with somebody, you should tell them you're upset and you should talk about it. We can't expect people to know that we're not okay. Or that we feel some type of way. We can't expect that.

That's not being fair. What is fair is telling them. I think that's our problem is maybe communication has been made into the scary thing. When it's actually very vital, it's very important. We need to communicate with each other and we need to communicate with ourselves. That's like the baseline, bro. And it is very difficult. It is so difficult.

I find so much fear in communicating with myself. I get scared. Oh, my aura! Who cares, bro? This is me being fair. I get scared because I know the truth. I know the truth. I know when, you know, I'm going to talk to myself and be like, oh, no, I've been, you know, I've been chilling.

No, I've been lazy. I have things I want to do. And it's good to chill. I can chill one, two, three, four, five days. It's good. But like, brother, you can do the dishes. You can do the dishes, all right? It's not, you know.

Or, I mean, if you're chilling and you're D1 chilling, you don't have to, but you can do something. I've been avoiding the gym like the plague. And I've been telling myself, well, I'm not really like, I need to stretch out and stuff. No, I'm not being fair. That's not me being fair. That's me avoiding it. I need to be fair. I need to go to the gym.

I need to go to the gym. I need to go to the gym. I need to go on a run. I know I need to do these things. It's a fear of confrontation. because for a lot of us, confrontation, confrontation. Yeah. Confrontation is a, is a,

it's not a comfortable thing. It's not fun. But it's really uncomfortable in the short term, especially if you trust in your relationships and you trust in yourself. That's, I think, how you make good, good and lasting relationships with people, this trust.

and I think I, uh, I'm guilty of playing certain relationships, friendships, friendships, on the defense, you know? I just want to defend. I'm switching my body to defend them, you know what I mean? I'm trying to posterize them in the paint. I'm trying to, you know, block it on some Yao Ming, block it out of here. But I can't do that. Why?

Because that's not being fair. It's not being fair. That's assuming the worst. That's already being like, this is cooked. Before it even started, before you even put it on the grill, this is cooked. No, it's not. It's still raw. Bro, like, the bacon egg and cheese is not done.

Bacon, chicken cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, chicken cheese, bacon chicken cheese. It's not even, the bacon hasn't even started frying. It's still raw. The egg hasn't even been cracked onto the griddle. And the ock hasn't even been able to make it the ocky way. Don't forget the Bev. Never ever. You're not being fair. You're not being fair. You're not. I'm not. What does a fair relationship with yourself and other people look like? What does it look like? I think it looks like one meeting people where they're at that's very important. And you have to be observant. You have to.

but I also think it is about communicating when things are off or when you feel like something is wrong. And maybe part of that is like, hey, having an open dialogue of we're working together on this project, listen, bro, I'm putting a lot of effort into this. You're kind of slacking what's going on? Is this something that we can fix? Is there something I can do less of that you feel like you could contribute more of? is there some way that we can make this partnership work? I like working with you, but something is off.

Or maybe it's in a relationship of, hey, like, I feel like you're not being attentive to me or that you're not even checking in with me. You're not really interested. Am I assuming this or is actually how it is? Because it feels that way. I mean, it's a simple dialogue. It really is.

But it's not an easy. one, but the thing is, it's easier to assume than ask for the truth, because asking means that there is some kind of answer and maybe the answer is uncomfortable. And also, you will know more

about the person when you ask the uncomfortable question. And for some of us who, we see somebody in a certain light, it might change the way that we see them. Spence, ah! Okay, what I mean by that is let's say you're in a lovey

Dovey relationship. You're young. How do you like him young? And you feel as if this person is the world. They're perfect for you. You are truly in love. But there's something wrong.

They still talk to that one girl that they had history. But the rest is a mystery. But there's something. You know there's something there. You feel it. You're like, oh. They shouldn't be talking that much. One, your gut is probably right.

But two, you know you should address it. But you are afraid to address it because two things can happen. Well, a couple things can happen. It's not just two, right? But there's a good chance that you will ask them and they'll reassure you. It's actually, they'll be like, yeah, you know what? We had history, but we're chilling. It's like, it's not like that.

And you can be like, oh, okay, all right. Dope. But there's also a reality where if you ask them, they become defensive and they try to hide the truth. And maybe they try to gaslight you. Or maybe they try to flip the situation onto you in some kind of way and be like, why are you even curious about this? That's a little bit interesting. You're insecure. It's going to change your perception of them.

Because deep down your gut will be like, oh, that's weird. Oh, I don't like that. But I like this person. I know, but the cracks are starting to show. And what a lot of people don't understand is, you know, that's being fair to yourself. And it's actually a good thing. It's a good thing. Because you're starting to realize that that is not the person you want to be with.

But what a lot of us do is we don't listen to that. We instead be like, oh, no, I am overreacting. No, you're not. You're not overreacting. but you you want it to continue and maybe you do actually gaslight yourself into thinking it's true but the rain doesn't stop the rain doesn't stop it keeps pouring and there's another situation where again they start flirting with somebody in class and you're like what do you think i'm blind i'd be seeing that and again you have that choice do i address it do i not address it what do i do

I do. And if you don't acknowledge it, you're not being fair to yourself because you have these feelings. And yes, it is painful, especially when you really like somebody. And it turns out that they're not really good for you. It is very painful. But also to the same point, like, what's more painful? The short-term pain of realizing, oh, this is not good, or even having the conversation and having a disagreement, but you work through it, or the long-term pain. after a while when, I don't know, I hope this doesn't happen to you, but they cheat on you. Or they do something really messed up. And you look back and you're like, the signs were always there.

And for a lot of us, that's when we add it together. That's really where, you know, it all kind of comes into fruition and we're like, oh, I get it. That was this pattern. I should have listened. And for some of us, we might even go through that, and we won't realize it until years down the line. We'll just think that was kind of weird, whatever. And then years down the line, we'll be like, wait a minute. They were playing me, like a fiddle.

They were playing me like a trombone. They were playing me like mayonnaise, but famously mayonnaise is not an instrument. If you know, you know, is mayonnaise an instrument? Are you being fair? Maybe you are. and maybe you're being too fair. Maybe you've given them way too many second chances. Maybe you have been very graceful with them,

and they've told you, I promise I'll change. Really? They're going to change? Yeah, right. Yeah, right. I've heard the I'll change before. Sometimes they do. Can't discount that.

Some people work very, very hard to change for others, but I think that the best kind of change is change that you do for yourself because that kind of change lasts. Changing for other people is good temporarily if you want to impress somebody, if you want somebody to feel good about you, but it's not something that stays forever. Because you don't have any stake in it. You know, if you have stake in something,

if you feel like something is tied to you, you are more likely to nurture it and care for it. And if you feel like you can be very genuine with yourself and you can be fair to yourself, then that change is all. It's also fair. It's also good. It also lasts. It really comes down to our wise. That's really where everything comes down to. It's like, why are you doing something? Why are you interested in something? And again, why are you being so hard on yourself? What's actually the problem? Maybe it's that you fear you're going to make a mistake and people are going to laugh at you for it. Maybe you fear that people are going to judge you for the type of person that you like and you want to spend time with. Maybe maybe it's not even fear maybe you just don't really know how not to be hard on yourself

because your parents were always hard on you they always were just disciplining you and now you've come into your own self and you've realized I don't even know who I am because my entire life I was told who I was and I think coming to that realization is you being fair it is you being fair

and it's valid it's a weird place to be. Becoming your own person is already a hard enough task, especially nowadays. When you're told that you're somebody else your whole life, how are you able to do anything? It's like, I feel for you. But it's not impossible. It can be done. There are millions of people who have been able to do that. You just again, you have to be fair. You have to be fair. Are you being fair in your relationship with your parents this is a big one for a lot of us are you being fair because your parents there's a good chance they had no idea what they were doing does it excuse the

way they treated you no not at all it doesn't but it explains it and i think for a lot of us we hold resentment in that and hey i mean some of us had a really rough growing up i get it but i think it's important that you at least recognize where there was fairness because you can take that on to your future self. And it's also important you recognize what wasn't fair and what you want to change because that's important too. If you struggle with being hard on yourself, I think what could really help is knowing that you're not alone. A lot of us are hard on ourselves. A lot of us would never show it, but we feel weak. We feel like we can't do anything right. And I have found actually a lot of solace in explaining to people how I feel and being like, I, bro, I feel like

I'm getting downpoured on right now, which literally is happening. But there is something comfortable about being able to stand in the rain with somebody else and not alone. And for a lot of us, that's really what we need. We just need somebody. to tell us that, yo, I'm also not being fair to myself, but hey, I see how you move, man. There's a lot of good things that you do. And I'm sure for every bad thing that you can think of that you hate about yourself or you don't like about yourself or you think you could do better, there's probably 10 really, really good things.

You might not be able to admit it, but they're there. And sometimes we've got to do a better job of giving people around us in our lives their flowers, man. It's important. Tell your homies they're doing a good job when they're doing a good job. If they nutmeg someone in a footy match, tell them that that was the filthiest nutmeg

you've ever seen. Be honest about it. Don't lie. But, man, uplift people, bro. It's so important. A lot of us are really suffering in silence and we just need somebody to give us a compliment to get us through the day. There have been so many days

where a stranger has, been able to tell me something about me or I've heard it from a friend, a family member, a loved one, and it's made me turn my entire day around. And I think that's being fair, because I'm not going to lie. I love hearing compliments. I love giving compliments. And sometimes we just, we need to hear more positivity. Don't get me wrong. Don't be positive all the time. If somebody messes up, tell them they messed up. But also tell people they're doing good, man, because a lot of us are going through it. And we are the, the victim of our own minds.

And Zirky Show, I just want you to know. You're not alone. And ask yourself, are you being fair? It's easy to be fair to other people, but it's funny. It's like hard to be fair to your own self. Did you know that the Zirky Show is everywhere you go? What? That's right.

You can watch it. You can scroll it. You can stream it. The choice is yours. We are all over the globe. So if you want to tap in, tap, and it's a Zerky Show everywhere. Do the things that bring you joy. Go out into nature, get wet.

I am literally wet right now, and there's nothing wrong with it. I'm enjoying myself, and I'm going to take a gnarly shower when I get back home. Other than that, if you're trying something new and you need someone to believe in you, just know I believe in you. And it might be hard right now, but just grind through it. You got this. I know you got this. And hey, if you don't like it, at least you know you tried. And Xerke's show, as always, I am sending you lots.

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