the zurkie show - your honesty shouldn’t feel dangerous

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

a relationship shouldn't destroy who you are.it should supplement your growth.look out for yourself.sending you all lots of love and peaaaaaaaace!https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow

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But Laura shopped on Amazon and saved on cleaning spray, countertop wipes, and fly traps. Hey, fruit flies, your baby boom ends here. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Is it normal to feel consumed by your relationships, by your friendships, by your partner? Is it normal to feel like every time your parents call you, you need to pick up, and if they are complaining about some family drama, you need to listen, even though you're on a date, even though you're busy with your own life doing your own thing? Why is it that we feel like we owe so much to people?

And why is it that when we want a piece of our own pie, when we just want to kind of exist in our own skin for a little bit, it's deemed self-yield. the shit's deemed vain, it's deemed ungrateful. I don't think it's any of those things. I think that I allow people to walk a little bit close to my boundaries. And sometimes when they cross them, I kind of ignore it. But I have come to realize if you don't call things out, if you don't mention the fact that someone is calling you at midnight

to complain about their boyfriend that you told them, you just shouldn't be with them. That's it. That's it. That's all I have to say. And they keep doing it because they want some kind of sympathy because they want you to be like, oh, it's okay. It's going to be fine.

You got to put your foot down. You have to say no. And especially it's pertinent that you say no to people that you know it will piss off if you say no to. I've started living by this rule in my own life. And it's transformed everything about it. It's made people respect me more. It's made my family understand, okay, you know, he's got his own life.

And over everything, like, I've just become a happier person because I don't have these expectations I need to fill of other people all the time. But also, I won't lie. In relationships, it's been harder. Because if you do really love somebody, right, or you care for them deeply, it's hard to just be like, yo, stiff arm, right? Like, you kind of have to do it with more grace. And nobody really teaches you how to do that.

That's why I'm going to try to do that right now. Look, honesty is always worth the price that you pay up front, which is discomfort, which is this weird kind of, should I have done that? Should I have not? It's always worth it. But I think your delivery is what matters. I think if you do it in a very snappy, selfish way. way like stop talk, start my, right? Like just with anger. Yeah, it's, it's going to, it's going to come off

weird. And you might have to clarify yourself a couple times where I think the strength really lies is in your ability to be like, hey, I need my time. Or hey, your problems have really consumed a lot of my own mental space. People don't really talk about this. But bro, if you're all the time acting like a therapist instead of a friend, you're going to think about these problems. They're going to become your problems. A lot of people like to say, oh, you know, I separate myself from the issue. I separate myself from from my friend's problems. It's not mine. But if you have any ounce of empathy, it's hard to do that. Maybe you guys have found a meta for that. Let me know. I haven't. Like any time there's been some kind of, you know, especially in my close relationships,

drama or some kind of, you know, distaste for another person. Like it becomes a whole ordeal. It almost becomes like this reality TV show, you know, an episode of Love Island where you're trying to figure out like who cheated on who. And although it's fun, it's a distraction from things. It's a distraction from your own life. And people can become distractions very, very easily if you don't set boundaries. Oh my goodness. They become the best distraction in the world. It's so fun to be entrenched in somebody else's life to the point where you forget to live your own. It's so cool because you are absolved of any kind of responsibility in your own life. Oh, because I was dealing with this problem. Because oh, this person needed my support.

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What more is there? But does that make me a bad friend or a bad partner, Zerki? Yeah, I mean, it depends on your deal. definition. But to me, I think if you can't take care of your own garden and tend to your own, how does that give you any ability to tend to somebody else's? And also, when did I ever become your responsibility? A relationship should supplement your life. It shouldn't make you stay up until 2 a.m. wondering, oh, my goodness, like, what if this happens? What if they do lose their job? What if they don't find a new job? Oh, my goodness, like, we're going to be cooked. That

That should not be the case. You should be able to support them and you two should be able to be, you know, strong separately. So you can come together and have something really special. That being said, though, life is life. If you don't think your partner is going to go through a moment where, you know, they lose somebody that's close to them or they feel lonely, they feel isolated. You two aren't as intimate. You're wrong. It isn't all peaches and rainbows.

after, you know, things start to happen, you realize, wow, this is what a relationship is for. It's for that support. It's for having that other person. But also, it's not to abuse. So many people get in relationships and treat their partner like a soundboard or treat them like just a therapist that they can throw every problem at. And as someone who has done that and also has received that, it's not fair. it's not fair to either party because let's be honest you bombarding them with problems you're not trying to solve any of them and there's a good chance if they're coming to you with all of theirs

they have no interest in solving any of them they just want somebody to be like pat their you know their head or their back oh rub their shoulder it's okay it's okay and you know what maybe that's what you need and i think it would be good if you were up front with that If you didn't disguise it as like, I need your advice. And you said, you know, I need some support right now. Can you just hear me out? Can I rant to you for like two minutes and then we'll keep going with our day? Because this is my fault too.

I'm an obsessive person. If somebody shares me those kind of details, I'm going to ask about it. I'm going to want to keep tabs on it. And maybe that's my bad. Maybe I have to be more forgiving and just let go of things and be like, you know what? not my problem that's just not my problem but if you hold on to your partner's issues really strongly you have to learn where your place in it is which is you are still an outsider to these problems and it's good to observe them it's okay to give your two sense when your two sense is needed

but you do not need to solve them for somebody else you need to focus on where your boundaries are you need to focus on what, like, what is the line? And it doesn't mean that you're a bad person for wanting to set boundaries. It actually means that you're a really good person. You value your time. You value other people's time. You're not going to sit and dwindle and, you know, move your thumbs around. Like you're going to use it for something.

But also, I will say that some people are OD with the boundaries. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't feel like going on this party. I just, I'm a low social battery today. Bro, come on. What? Low social battery, really. After I saw in your story, you were hanging with like four of your girlies.

Really, that's low social battery. All right, respect those. Don't be surprised if you stiff-armed somebody and they grow distant. Because people can see through the BS sometimes. I'll be honest. There's a difference between actually being genuine, being like, yo, man, I just can't hang out right now. I'm going to be honest.

and creating some kind of excuse. Oh, it's a social battery. It's not a social battery. You just don't want to. And be honest that you don't want to. Hey, man, I just want to chill tonight. Sorry. Not, oh, it's because I'm dealing with this other thing and that's making, like, no, you're not.

You're not. You don't want to. Maybe it's because of the low social battery. Sure. But just say you don't want to. You'd be appalled to some of the excuses people will make and blame it on boundaries. I'm trying to set better boundaries. No, you're just not being honest.

You're coming up with excuses that have turned into buzzwords to get yourself out of responsibility that you've committed to. She knows. How? Did you blam? No. The Devil Wears Prada 2. He's the movie event 20 years in the making. Honestly, can't with the secrets anymore, so I think we just should tell her.

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As an adult, man, if you don't want to do these things and you do set those boundaries, you don't have the capital to complain then, right, or the permission to complain about not being invited to parties or not being invited to things. you are closing those opportunities. That's a boundary you're setting. That's how boundaries work. Okay? And if you want to open that boundary back up, it's on you. It's not on your friends to recognize. Well, I think she's a little more social now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's on you. You have to express that. Hey, guys, I know that I was like kind of a shut-in last semester. I do want to come out and hang out now. I think it'd be super fun. I want to build these relationships back up. You got to run that meta, bro. Got's to.

Also, how we feel about shi-se-de-Zerk? Get up trolling. Dude, it is cold. It's so cold in Toronto right now. But it's making for some really good reflection. I love the snow. I love this city so much. I'm very grateful to be here.

At the end of the day, it will come down to how you set your boundaries and how you use your time. It always has. This is something that we know if you're. listener of the show, you know I talk about this a lot, but how do we stand up to people? Because it's different when you know you can talk to somebody and they're reasonable. How do you reason with someone that cannot be reasoned with? How are you able to say no if you know that saying no will be a problem? You have to accept you might lose them. And maybe that's for the better. Because what if you built your entire friendship or your entire relationship, you know, a bed of lies,

your foundation is rotting from the core. You really expect to keep this game up. You really expect to just like continue to do this for the rest of your life. It's not going to work. And don't you deserve to have like honest friends? Not ones that are going to tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. The ones that are going to humble you when you kind of feel like, yeah, you know, I've been doing good.

Like, no, but you've been lazy. You've created this little paradigm in your mind that's making you think, oh, yeah, I'm doing everything great, man. I'm, like, going to the gym, like, for 30 minutes, and I'm not really doing much because I'm socializing with all my friends at the gym. No, you're not putting in the work. Wouldn't you want somebody to call you out on that? And wouldn't you want the, you know, expect the same?

Like, wouldn't you want to have the ability to do that? I find that it's really tricky. to find people that are honest because usually we shut those people out because they will offend us. They'll make us feel weird about the fact that they're calling us out and we'll take it as a personal attack instead of actually something to make us better. And don't get me wrong. Like it's all about the delivery man. That's always what it's about.

It's never about the message. It's how you deliver it. If somebody is bad at delivering their message and they're really, rude, yeah, they're rude, right? But you can mistake honesty for rudeness, and oftentimes it gets mistaken. So if you have a friend or two that are honest, that will tell you everything straightforward, and they'll deliver it in a very straightforward way, keep those people around. The people that will kind of tiptoe around things and, no, I just, I don't know, like, you know, I don't want to, uh, how can you trust?

I was just trying to be nice. Dude, you were trying to be nice by leading me into a relationship that you knew was going to destroy me and consume every bit of me? How is that being nice? It's not. It's not and it never was. What if you do have to go up and talk to somebody and you know it's going to upset them, right? Like, how do we actually do that? I told you, oh, well, you know, be okay with losing them.

Okay, but like, how do you stand your ground? You have to know the points that are non-negotiable for you. Let's say you're in some kind of dispute with someone, and they're like, you don't spend enough time with me, even though you call them three times a week, you see them once a week when you're in town, like, you know, whatever. You have to understand what your point is with this person. and I'll tell you what will happen when you kind of create your points. Naturally, you'll ask yourself, is this worth even keeping?

And that is something you have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself over and over and over. Listen to your gut. If the answer is yes, then you have to understand that these points are going to be your anchor and your conversation. That's going to be what you lead with. Cut out all the fluff, cut out all the, I think you're a great friend, but you have to just be like, Listen, I think I hang out with you a little too much. And I actually really, really appreciate my personal time. I understand if that's uncomfortable for you to hear because you want to hang out with me more.

But I think we hang out a good amount. And I want to keep it this way. You have to see how they respond. Rosen lasagna, medium power, 15 minutes. Sounds like Ojo time. Let's play. Feel the fun with Play-Ojo. The online casino with all the latest slides.

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Get financial advice that puts you at the center. Find your advisor at IGPrivatewealth.com. Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sit. Play, post, taste, view, and enjoy, via rail, love the way. If they are reasonable, they will respect that you told them that. They'll be like, hey, I really appreciate that point.

Huh, all right, like, we can hang out the same amount. I'm bummed about it, but like, I get it. If they're not reasonable, they will unravel a ball of hatred. a ball of weird, subtle, how do you call it? Like subtle jabs at you and at your character and about, you know, things that they haven't told you they've been holding against you, but they definitely have. And you'll hear it in their speech and in their response. No, because you always hang out with this person.

And that's very interesting. I always see that you hang out with this person. And you're always with this other person. And there was this party you never invited me to. So I'm trying to make up for that because you don't even see me that way. It will unravel. then again you have another piece of evidence to ask yourself do I want to be friends with this person or are they insane relationships should not consume your life they should not be the thing that is the

only thing going on for you it should be a part of it it should be something that you cherish and you do not need to hang out a certain amount of times be with somebody a certain amount of hours to confirm that you are friends, to confirm that you two love each other and have a deep respect for each other. Not how it works. Not how it works. You should not feel like your entire life revolves around somebody else's happiness and trying to make them happy.

That's not fair to you. That doesn't make you happy. If somebody truly loves you and they're here to support you through this lifetime, they will understand that your happiness matters just as much as theirs. and they shouldn't bend over backwards for you, but what they should do is they should support you as much as they can. And they have to know where their boundary is, where they stop. You know, it's trial and error.

That's what life really is. And you got to learn from the error. You got to learn from a lot of trials, man. You got to do it a lot. You got to go through terrible friendships in order to appreciate your good ones and keep them secure. You have to go through good friendships to understand, like, what you want out of somebody in the future who you think should be a friend. We totally undermine this and we think that instead we need to have as many friends as possible.

We need to be in as much drama as possible to secure our like stamp as someone who has friends is in a social circle, is hanging out with people. But your alone time is as crucial as your time with the best. bros watching the Patriots. Your alone time is as crucial as kicking a ball and, you know, playing some footy and pretending that you're taking a free kick like Prime Dmitri Piat, right? Unkno's ball. Your alone time is as crucial as the date that you go on with your girlfriend to celebrate your one year at Chili's. Your alone time matters. And if your relationship is consuming your life, that is not your alone time. It is encroached on your alone time. It is encroached on your ability to have a clear head and enjoy your life. Then it's a detriment. And you really got to think,

is this worth keeping? It's a hard thing, man. It's a hard thing. But Zerkeeshow, I think you'll make the right decision. I think at the end of the day, you know what's best for you. And even if you don't know what that is right now, take your time, be more observant, let people speak, ask questions, and see how they react to it. Not to, like, be testing people. You know, there's this whole thing. Five tests you should do to your boyfriend. Right?

I see this stuff all the time. Bro, all that stuff is BS. But what you should do is you should understand that like, you got to test the waters a little bit. You don't understand where the boundary is a little bit. You got to ask certain questions maybe with a different intention. No, actually, don't do that. Be honest.

Just be honest. Hey, do we hang out enough? Hey, do you think we should hang out more? Hey, do you think like I've been a good friend to you? Do I support you? Open those conversations because behind those closed doors, sometimes you find some very interesting things. And at the very least, you're going to learn about yourself, Zerky Show. Today's episode of The Zirky Show was filmed in beautiful Toronto, Canada as I'm sitting, freezing my butt off in the shiasty man. It is a gorgeous day. And I'm going to enjoy myself a nice long walk in the path.

You guys know about this? There's an underground system of tunnels that allows Torontoians to walk around the center downtown area of Toronto without having to go outside in the freezing degree weather. It's really, really cool. If you're ever here, take the path 100%. It's so cool. Lots of shops, totally worth it. Did you know that the Zerky Show is everywhere you go? That is correct. You can watch it. You can scroll. You can stream it. It's the Zirky Show on all platforms. Hope to see you somewhere else. Tap in. Do the things that bring you joy. Don't skip class. even if it's not mandatory, go. Unless it's like a total fade and it's just like the professor sucks.

Go to class, man. The one class that I really went to all the time, even though it was optional, was this Explorations class at the University of Georgia at my journalism school. And I loved that class because in that class, I got to talk to the professor a lot, this guy named Dean Davis, and he put me on to so many different people at that school.

He opened so many connections, so many doors for me, you just never know. And I think we underestimate the relationships we can build from just showing up, just being consistent with one place that has a little bit of passion for us, right? Like, what you put in is what you get out. Outside of that, Zerke's show, if you're trying something new, just know that I believe in you. And as always, I'm sending you all lots of love and peace.