Therapuss with Jake Shane - Session 06: Bejewel's Belated Birthday Bonanza

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

It's Julia's birthday! Or at least it was... Celebrate our favorite Capricorn at none other than the Therapuss office. Tell Me What's Wrong at ⁠passthatpuss.com⁠ Follow Me! Instagram | @passthatpuss TikTok | @octopusslover8 Follow Julia! @juliamervis Listen to "THERAPUSS" Spotify: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/1BHDdC0OVuHqZ706FobfOF⁠⁠ Apple Podcasts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/therapuss-with-jake-shane/id1723626781⁠⁠ Amazon Podcasts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/93117357-1f23-46e1-8f26-88f5182a68b8/therapuss-with-jake-shane⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/@octopusslover8 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pussies and welcome back to therapist. Today is Bajoules belated birthday extravaganza, which means we are celebrating the one, the only Bajoules' birthday, aka we have the Vampire Diaries garb all around the town. We're fanging. I have my cloak on. We have blood bags that we're going to be drinking from.

We are so, so excited. And we've been waiting on Bajulia for a little bit, but she's finally here, and I'm so excited to get into the tummy what's wrongs this week. we have some birthday related, tell me what's wrongs, and some vampire related, tell me what's wrongs, which are going to be amazing. The reason I'm calling this Bajulia's belated birthday extravaganza is because while today is in fact her birthday, this will not air on her birthday. And that's just how the cookie crumbles. Before we get into Bajulia, let me just tell you how my day was. My day was

definitely tense down and I feel bad complaining, but I had the same thing for lunch that I had yesterday because I just don't know when to fucking quit. And it didn't hit the same. I had too much rice, which I never thought those words would leave my mouth, but they just did. I had too much rice, so I felt a little bit like a monster. And I definitely had a PFH post food headache after. And it just kind of tarnished my day.

I don't really know what to tell you guys. So I would say today was tense down. But obviously, we're celebrating Julia's birthday. So it's about to be tense the fuck up. and I'm pumped for it. Remember to go to Pass Thatpuss.com, click Tell Me What's Wrong and Tell Me What's Wrong. Names are encouraged but not required.

And you can make them as short or as long as your tentacles desire. And without further ado, here is the queen vampire herself, Bajulia Bermervis. Happy birthday. Hi. Happy birthday. Thanks, Chey. It's your birthday. Should we cheers blood?

Is mine open? No, we have to take our little blood protector off. Okay, so one thing about me is I can't. you anything. And one thing about you is you need to put the mic closer to your face or else no one's going to hear a single word out of your mouth. Literally, how do you do this? It's easy for you to say you have a stand.

Honestly, yours is hard. Wait, fuck. I'm addicted to my cloak. Cheers! Nothing beats real human blood. Refreshing. Okay, so what were we going to get into first? Oh, I was thinking about introducing this new segment called Therapist, where we talk about something

we're pissed off about. So what are you pissed off about? What are you pissed off about? And I know your birthday week should be filled with sunshine and rainbows and blood. But, you know, that's not always the case. So what's something you're pissed off about. Can I tell you what I'm pissed off about? And like, this isn't that good.

But I'll tell you what I'm pissed off about. What? I haven't really been feeling my birthday this year. And no. And I'll tell you why. We've celebrated before this bitch gets into her not feeling her birthday. We've celebrated. Okay, so we went out for her birthday Saturday, which we call corn day.

Not because Capricorn season starts on. Saturday, but because she is a Capricorn. So Friday was Corn Eve, in which we all had to sit at the TV, and what did we watch? It was Corn Eve. We watched, um, Corn Eve, not because,

No, what did we watch? Glee. Glee. We watched Glee for Corn Eve. And then on Corn Day, we went out. No, we watched the finale of the vampire diaries. Oh, we watched the finale of the vampire diaries that we did, which explains our recent infatuation.

And then on Corn Day, we went out for her actual birthday. And then AC after corn, which was Sunday, we spent the entire day together. And then I was like, okay, Julie, like, I'm really tired. And she said, no, you're not. It's after corn and you're coming with me to sugarfish. So then we went there. And then tonight is also Cornyve part two because... Wait, no.

It's my birthday. Last night was Corny. Last night was Corny. Would you look at us differently if we've said we've been lying this in time? episode and today is not actually her birthday. I need to get cuck. We've been lying this. I'm just realizing what corn meant.

Capricorn. Look at this. Look at me and my cloak. Are you comfy? Yeah, super comfy. Much more comfy. So I guess last night was also, I mean... Are we lying or are we telling the truth?

I think we need to tell the truth. Okay, it's not my birthday, you guys. Tomorrow's her birthday, but I just thought, like, it would make more sense, like, if today was her birthday. Once upon a Corn Eve. Once upon a Corn Eve. So tonight's the real Corn Eve, because tomorrow's my birthday. Right.

Even though we did Corneuve. So back to why I'm pissed. Okay. And you might say we've celebrated me a million times, but I didn't really like, can you admit that like this year compared to other years? Your birthday last year was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Ever. But anyways, I'm not really feeling it this year. And I'm, it's because, like, I feel like 24 is such an insignificant age.

And 23 is more significant? No, but it's just like I feel like I'm waiting to 25. It was your post-grad. I get it. And, like, my birthday's in college. weren't really that fun. Oh my God. That brings up our first segment besides therapist that I've been so excited to talk about

best and worst college birthdays. I didn't really have a good college birthday. Okay, but you need to find one. Okay. TTT. Do you want me to go first? Yeah. Okay.

My worst college birthday was supposed to be my best. I knew everyone was planning a surprise party for me because that's what I do every year. Oh my God, my eyes burning. Why? I think I got garlic in it. I was in the street and someone saw me. And I was feeding. And, um,

what? Vampires hate garlic. Yeah. Okay. Well, it was vervain. I think I have some vervain in my eye. But, um, my worst birthday was supposed to be my best. Uh, everyone was planning a surprise body for me.

One thing about me is I'm not planning my own birthday. Everyone's planning it for me. It's just who I am as a person. And I was, going to be sick. Julia, Brett and Trudy were taking me out to dinner and then we were going back to Trudy's apartment where everyone was going to surprise me. Only we had a little hiccup along the way. Well. So we had to get tested every week on campus for COVID. This was like the tail end of COVID so I really don't want to hear it. Okay. Like we wanted to go out. We were going out.

It was 2021. It was 2021. The vaccine existed. The vaccine existed. Like I won't hear it. Like I am so traumatized from everyone getting absolutely obliterated. for like seeing their grandma during COVID. I could go on. Anyways, we had to get tested weekly for school. We would have to like go and spit into these tubes and then like submit it and then we would get an email and like our test results would come back. And I got a notification at the dinner table for my birthday.

That my test results came back. And I don't know what possessed me to like just check it because I wasn't feeling. I wish she had it. I wasn't feeling sick or anything. But I got, I checked my results and it said I had COVID. And so she went outside, she starts hysterically sobbed. Because one thing about Julia, she's not handling crisis well. And she kept saying, I've ruined your birthday.

And I said, yes, you have. Yes, you have. But it's not your fault. So what we tried to do was lie. No, no, no, no, no. I called Peyton. No, because I said to Julia, I said, you cannot tell anyone. You have COVID or else no one will want to go out with me for my birthday.

And I just need you to go home and say something happened. So what we're going to say is we're going to say that on, is this horrible? Well, we can tell this story, right? I think so. Can we tell this story? On the page, we were going to say that it said error. And we called Peyton and Julia was hysterically sobbing into the phone. It said error.

And Peyton being Peyton was like, I'm confused. Like, so you can still come out. You don't have COVID. It's just a mistake. And then Julia goes, I have, it didn't say error. I said, stop lying. Like, we need to stop. Like, Peyton was our guinea pig.

And like, it didn't work with her because everyone was already confused. as to why Julia was hysterically sobbing over an error message. So we sent Julia home. Also, my second worst birthday was, I guess I had a lot of bad birthdays in college, was when Lambda wouldn't let me into their tailgate, and I hysterically cried, hysterically. I don't remember that.

You don't remember that. It was horrible. And then my best birthday, oh, sophomore year. What did we do sophomore year? We went to Katie's house, and she threw me a surprise party, go figure. And that was the worst night in my life Yeah, but that was the best night in my life

Because we blacked out together That was the worst sign of my life Okay, well I had a lot of fun on that night I was thrown at, oh my god Actually like no I don't know Okay, what was your best and worst birthdays in college? My worst

JNV They were all pretty bad Like my birthday was always during rush So like I wasn't allowed to do anything Like I was just like I didn't really I wasn't able to celebrate my actual birthday And never you never were And then, like, everyone was tired.

No one wanted to go out or celebrate you. Because we were tired. Yeah. I didn't mean it like that. No, but, like, seriously, that ass. Like, it was just never- But, like, go figure because she has the best birthday now. So then, last year, Jake literally gave me the best birthday surprise.

But what was your worst birthday in college? Like, out of all... Probably freshman year. Tell them about it. Like, I ordered John and Vinny's for, like, 30 girls. It was freezing. Cold for the 10. And it was...

And she ate it on the roof. T, T, T, T, T, T. It was freezing. And it was just miserable. And ugly. I was miserable. Oh, girl. So John and Vitties was definitely her worst birthday.

And then my best? Oh, my God. And I didn't even go. Why? I was rushing. Guys, I tried to rush a frat. And do you want to know what they did? No, you have to tell them the story of Blue Chip.

So this, this frat? I don't know if we will include this because this is something like really personal to my heart. But I somehow made it to the final round of rush for this house. Somehow. And it was like a good house. Okay. It's not like,

it's not like, oh my God, like of course the queer got into that house. Like, I can't say that. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I believe that. But that's the house it was.

I wanted it more than any. in the entire world and somehow I made it to Blue Chip. No, but maybe it wasn't Blue Chip or maybe it was when they were voting or something and was like vouching for you and they were like and he might be like blah blah blah

and blah blah and he's gay. And they all were like, yeah, I'm in. I'm in. I thought I was in like it was the best week of my life until it wasn't until I didn't get in and I became Kapiki man. Yeah, period. Yeah, period. I became Capuchy man.

Kingman. So that was your worst birthday that I wasn't even a part of. I would say your best birthday for college and I don't mean to put words in your mouth. Probably senior year, right? Yeah, because you, it was, we went to Oli Vetta, we were cute, you looked so good. Your outfit was giving. It was cute. It was fun.

That was a great birthday you had. Honestly, like, I will go as so far to say, like, I loved your Chaconi's birthday. Sophomore year? Yeah. Yeah, that was a good one. Because that was just like squad. That was a good one. That was a great one.

But then my 23rd birthday was the best birthday. Ever. Yeah. So anyway, we've made up for lost time because Julia's birthday, postgrad has consistently been like the only thing we care about. Last year we had two celebrations. We went to Winston House both times. It was everything.

It was the best weekend of the year. It was everything. And next year, my birthday's on a Friday. Oh! Wow. That would be fun. Oh, because it's a leap year this year. Leap year.

TMYK. The more you know. Yeah. One thing about Julia is she's always. Guessing the name. Yeah, GTN, guessing the name. She's always guessing the name. Okay, well, should we get into the tummy what's wrong?

Sorry, we will not include that, but I need it to get it out. Sorry. Okay. That was monstrous. I'm a monster, so that checks out. Let's get into the tummy what's wrong. Before, first. BBC, blood back tears.

Okay. Anywho, so let's get into the. to tell me what's wrongs, and some of these are birthday edition. And you'll hear from the birthday queen herself on how she would handle that. Okay. Tell me what's wrong and happy birthday. I'm sorry. The cranberry just went down the wrong way.

This one's a fucking doozy. We're starting them off strong. My two best friends forgot about my birthday and didn't text me until 10 p.m. that day. They ended our friendship because I didn't put in enough effort. What would you do? Automatic. No more friends. Wait, wait, wait, but she says they ended our friendship because I didn't put in enough effort

Oh, so the no texting didn't come out of nowhere. Girl, I think we might need to have a little bit of self-realization here. This sounds like they are like plotting against her downfall. There's two parts to this for me personally. Okay, talk about it. See, like if my two best friends didn't wish me happy birthday, they would never be my friends again. Also, how would you ever consider them your best friends if they didn't wish you happy birthday until 10 p.m. But then like maybe they didn't.

I just can't even imagine. Maybe they didn't wish you a happy birthday because you guys had already been having issues about, like, you not putting an effort into the relationship. Okay, so maybe we're feeling like there's deeper stuff going on to this. Seems complex. Okay, I'm prescribing 13 going on 30. Wow. Okay, okay, okay, I can get behind that. Right, because, like, don't they, like, ruin her birthday party or something?

What's another thing we could prescribe? Am I holding the mic wrong? No, I'm just MS, making sure. TG, I guess 13 going on 30 soon. And I'm sorry about your first. friends, they don't, I don't, I just have, I don't have context for this, but they sound really petty. I think even if you're fighting, that's so petty to not wish your ex best friend a happy birthday.

Agreed. You always wish someone a happy birthday. Always. The rule of them. I like live, sleep and breathe. Happy birthdays. Yeah, it's, you got to. Because, like, happy birthdays means so much to me.

Uh-huh. Like, I love being wished a happy birthday, especially when it's from, I mean, this really has nothing to do with the question at this point. But I love being wished happy birthdays by people who, like, I don't talk to you regularly. Like, I love to see someone's name pop up in my phone and I'm like, Ah, thank you. Right, like, you're thinking about me. And then like, Tam.

And then like, hey, I'm thinking about me. Yeah. Okay. Next. Okay. So I'm really sorry about your friends. I sound like they suck and I didn't mean to be harsh, but like get new ones. They sound horrible.

And like, you should find solace and the fact that they're petty and, like, being losers for not wishing you happy birthday at 10 p.m. For wishing you a happy birthday only at 10 p.m. Literally my 5-1-X wished me happy birthday on the wrong day. Like, am I your ex? 5-1-X? Oh, like they're 5-1. Yeah, and they wish her happy birthday on the wrong day. Okay, yeah.

Well. Peyton did that one. She wished someone happy birthday on the wrong day? She wished her ex a happy birthday on the wrong day. Okay. I mean, I don't really know what to say to that one. That sucks. And you know what?

He's your ex. So I feel like we don't need to unpack this in therapist. Maybe he did it on, or he or she did it on purpose. I don't know. To be petty. No, it doesn't sound. That sounds like a really stupid thing to do on purpose. Would you do that on purpose?

Like, probably. On the wrong day? Yeah. That means you're thinking about it. Yeah. On my 22nd birthday, my ex-bF didn't plan anything or pay for anything. Whoa. So I had to book a hotel for us.

I'm gasped. This is already bad. This is disgusting. I had to book a hotel for us and use my mom's old credit card points for it. Because I'm poor, he was not. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's disgusting.

Oh, there's more. Okay, all right. When he showed, he didn't get me a birthday gift whatsoever and fully left the next morning early for a tux fitting he never mentioned he had. So not slag, but I still miss him. Girl, are you sure you guys were dating? I don't mean to be a bitch. But who, what type of evil person? would not book the hotel for their girlfriend's birthday,

show up empty-handed, and then leave early for a tux fitting that she didn't know about. Like, were you dating? Yeah, no, like, that's really, really bad. That's really bad. That's really bad. That's really bad. Also, like, booking a hotel, where were they?

Did they trip? They probably planned a trip. Well, she probably planned the trip. Doesn't sound like he planned fucking shit. I mean, girl. She had to use her mom's own credit card points. That's so not cool. Your boyfriend sucks, and thank God, he's your ex.

But she says she's still not. misses him, but like, what do you miss about him? This sounds, this sounds horrendous. This sounds unmissible. But like, Jake, wouldn't put it past us. I wouldn't put it past us either. I really don't know what to prescribe to you. Maybe.

I'm prescribing, ooh, let me think, let me think. A really good rom-com to, like, show you what, like... Think hard. Okay. Thinking, thinking. Someone, like, what's a movie about, like, genuine heartbreak where the guy was an asshole. Maybe legally blonde.

Isn't her ex? That's an unbelievable prescription. Unbelievable. Legally effing blonde. Yeah, because her ex-boyfriend or whatever sucks so hard. He's horrendous. And she misses him until she finds herself. Right around.

And she starts thinking for herself and then she finds, you know, what's there for her. Yeah, and she doesn't miss him anymore. So we're going to prescribe to you legally blonde and the fact that you should have solace and the fact that like your ex sucks and like that's not. normal behavior and that's not okay. And then. Oh my God, we have a name. My name is Lily.

Hi, Lily. My birthday is the day before prom. I want to throw a party, but I'm worried, oh my God, I'm already obsessed with this one. I want to throw a party, but I'm worried no one will want to come because they have to fake tan or honestly just not be hung over the next morning. Do I even have a party? No.

You should absolutely not have a party the night before prom. That is setting yourself up for absolute failure. And I'm sorry your birthday is the day before prom, but you should actually if you had a birthday party a week after prom, like everyone's going to be missing each other. Everyone's going to be upset. Everyone's going to run it back. Everyone's going to run it back.

Like, I'm sorry, you're just going to have. Do not throw a birthday party the night before prom. Because like respectfully, and I mean this, like with ADR, no one will come. I wouldn't come. I wouldn't want to go. If it was your birthday, I would come. I am going to really set a harsh truth for you here.

And I'm saying this to help you. If I was invited to a birthday party the night before prom, Do you understand how much I would complain about going? I would not shut up about the fact. How could she have a birthday night before prom? Yeah, no, you wouldn't show that. How could she do that? Definitely.

You wouldn't shut up either. No one would shut up. Everyone's going to be talking about. I'd be complaining. So have the birthday a week later. Some birthdays you're not going to be able to celebrate on your actual birthday. See, last year I celebrated my birthday twice. Twice.

Because it was in the middle of the week. Right. So we had the weekend. before and the weekend after. And it was literally her best birthday yet. Yeah. So Lily, like, we're saving you here. Absolutely.

Lily. No, but. P.P. Prioritized prom. Mm-hmm. Do your birthday later. Birthday later. Absolutely.

If you want to have fun and you want to smile, do not have your birthday in the night before. Yeah, like, you're going to have a bad birthday. Sorry, we're really reaming in on Lily here, but like I really want this to, I mean, at this point. No, it's not, prom does not happen in January. She's definitely thinking of it. Oh, right, right, right.

Yeah. Oh, we've calmed down a bit. I just got heated because like I imagined having to go to a birthday party the night before prom and like I'm not going to lie I got upset Same but if it was your birthday like take it from your perspective would you want to have it the night before prom I would have it a week later No I would do it a week later Like for me I care more about like What's actually gonna happen at my birthday party than like the instant gratification of like I want my birthday party now Okay and here's how I'm gonna tell you to make it better and that honestly

Lily honestly that's on maturity because in high school, I would be having my birthday party the night before prom. And I wish that someone would tell me not to do that. Yeah, we're telling you right now, do not do that. But you know what you should do? And this is, this is your friends better show the fuck up. Absolutely have a dinner with your friends. Yeah, you can have a dinner than you have dinner.

You fucking celebrate. Even if it's just like ordering it. Celebrate your birthday. You just don't need to have a like a rager of the night before prom. And you can still have that rager a week later. Wow, Lily. We just got really passionate about your birthday. And honestly, if this is in June, I don't know where you live, but...

Oh my God, let's go to the birthday. We will come to your birthday party. And you know what I'm going to prescribe Project X, so you can see what a fun party really looks like. And let me assure you that Project X was not the night before their prom. My name is Friday. Hi Friday. And no one... Oh, my birthday...

Holy fuck. My birthday is Friday and no one treats it like you guys treat Julia's birthday. Is that not the nicest thing you've ever heard? Wow. What's his name? They don't, there's no name. Oh. So I'm just wondering how you guys decided to make Julia's a whole holiday because I live for it.

Okay. Let's throw it back to the beginning. I, the reason Julia's birthday as a whole holiday is because there's only a few things, like, in our friend group, like everyone's allowed to have like one thing. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. For me, it's like, I'm going to talk about myself. Mm-hmm.

For Payton, it's like, don't annoy her. For Brett, it's like she's gonna go work out. And like you can't interfere with that. And you can't interfere that. For Julia, her birthday matters. And that, I would say, is your only thing. Yeah. Your thing is, my birthday matters.

I want to be celebrated. My birthday is important to me. Absolutely. Celebrate my birthday. Bad is how we made it a whole holiday because it really did suck so bad in college. We never did anything. It did suck bad.

It sucked. Also, like, I grew up in New York and like it was always cold in the winter on my birthday. Oh, underrated, but one of your greatest birthdays was, I wasn't even there for it, but it was just kind of cunt and cute. Was the one where you went to Tripriani and you got that cake? Oh, yeah, 21, 21. 21 was great, but, like, you should have done more, but you couldn't because COVID. And rush.

Yeah. Virtual rush, V-R. COVID-Rush. But, yeah, it's just because, like, I really love my birthday. And, like, I feel like ever since I was little, like, there was always a little bit of a downfall side. like bad thing that happened on my birthday. Right. And so now it's like my friends really make it special for me.

Also, but I will say to Julia's testament, she, before we made her birthday special, she was always planning something. Like she planned something every year in college. Like, I am just like. I mean, I'm not gonna go a year without celebrating my birthday. Right. I refuse to plan, but like my birthday comes around Halloween.

So everyone, like I just, I also, it's like, you have a good birthday. Yeah. I have an unversed. written rule that like I'm not going to plan my own birthday. What? Yeah, and who plans it? You every year.

After our four-month fight, she planned it. We should next year for your 25th. Oh, well, at one point, we should throw a big Halloween party. Why have we never done that before? Maybe I should do that next year. We're deciding between a few things for my birthday next year. Sorry, back to your birthday. Look, and I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but you just got to tell your friends,

like, it's my fucking birthday. I want to go out all weekend and you need to plan something or yourself. Or get new friends. Because if your friends don't want to ride or die for like something that really matters to you, then like get new friends. But are they knowing how much it matters to her? Then speak up. I'm going to prescribe to you last Friday night, the song by Katie Perry,

because your birthday's on a Friday. And I think if you listen to it, it'll get you a little bit more excited. Also, you won't have another Friday birthday for like the next seven years. So listen to last Friday night by Katie Perry and birthday by Katie Perry. and just know that your birthday is on Friday and this won't happen for another few years and you should just soak it up and make it fun and your friends will have fun

because I have faith that your friends will make this fun for you. My friend tried to hook up with the boy I've been in love with for five years in front of me at my birthday party. What? Please repeat. Julia.

I'm like, I don't even. What did you pick up? I didn't pick up anything. Anything. Something about a boy hooking up with someone. My friend. My friend tried to hook up with the boy I've been in love with for five years in front of me at my birthday party. Holy fuck.

I killed them. I mean, that's automatic no friendship for me. Yeah, there's no coming back from that. Yeah. I mean, that's like betrayal. And you know what I'm going to prescribe right there? What? Girls.

Why? Because Jessa? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Tell us why. Tell us why you're prescribing girls. Because. Um, quick, spoiler alert, if you're going to watch girls.

Yes. Skip, skip, skip. Skip like a minute. We're just going to talk about this for a minute. But I'm just giving you a spoiler alert because I would want someone to do that for me. Okay, so basically the main character, Hannah, has this, like, on and off, like, main love interest

throughout the whole show. And her BFF bestie girl starts hugging up with him while Hannah is, like, in another state at school. It's really fucked up. It's heartbreaking. No, it's really bad. It's really awful. And to be completely honest, it just, like, shows the raw, like,

truth of what it's like to have a friend betray you like that. I like don't think you can get, I think this friend isn't your friend anymore. That's horrible. That's horrible. Would you Louise be friends with someone if they did that to you? Never again. Yeah. That's unforgivable.

I don't care how drunk you are. That's unforgivable. That just means you were thinking about it when you were sober. Damn. I'm going to prescribe. Okay, so you're prescribing girls. You know what I'm going to prescribe mean girls. Because remember the scene at the Halloween party where Regina hooks up with Aaron

Samuels in front of Katie. after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the same. Girls is probably a better prescription, but I'm also prescribing mean girls. I haven't spoken to my previous roommate since I had to end our friendship

because she was a bat-shit crazy. Like, I can't even tell you how cray-cray. Like, she literally slapped my boyfriend in the face and called my mother fat to her face crazy. Okay, oh, this is a two-parter. However, this bitch text me on my birthday, mind you, telling me that I'm better than this. She needs closure and she wants to be friends again.

Like literally what? I'm better than what? Like she, like, like, I don't know. I don't know if she's saying that she was like, you're better, whatever. Regardless, this girl sounds fucking crazy. Obviously, you know what I would say?

And I granted this already happened. But for those who it might happen to in the future, do not respond that day because it is your birthday. And then the next day I'd be like, we are not friends. You called my mom fat and you slapped my boyfriend and the audacity for you to text me

on my fucking birthday out of all days. I mean, I don't know what she said to you besides you're better than this. Like we're not really having the phone context. But like I think it's so powerful to like give people, like

show people that their actions don't add up to their words. So like respond and being like your actions did not show me that this is a friendship that you cared about, so, like, we're not friends. Right, and that's that on that. Mm-hmm. And that's that.

Mm-hmm. EOS. End of story. My brother, who caused me trauma and lifelong relationship and attachment issues, had a child born on my birthday. It's, like, so important to me who you share your birthday with. Like. And now she shares it with her brother who she hates his child.

Yeah, like, I'd be pissed. Well, not only would I be pissed. Also, that child is going to get so much attention already because it's like the new baby in the family. God. And now it's going to completely overshadow your birthday because it's their first birthday. That's my worst nightmare. That's my worst nightmare.

Like, I don't mean to sound shallow. That is my worst nightmare. Okay, what would you do? No, like, I'd freak out. If my brother had a kid on my birthday, like, ADR, I'd freak the fuck out. That's my day. Also, like, you can schedule to, like, give birth to another dad. Yeah.

Oh, I'd be pissed. Oh, my God, I'd be so pissed. Just another reason to hate your brother who gave you attachment issues. Like, I love my brother, but I'd still be pissed. No, yeah. Her brother's great. Her brother has the same name. me.

Hi, Jake. He's not going to want that as me. Keep it. Okay. I'm really sorry about your brother and his child, but this is how you can sense. I would, what I would do personally and, like, I'd be pissed off about doing it, but I would not want to share that day with that baby. I would professionally change my birthday to a new day and have everyone celebrate my birthday on a new day. That doesn't even make sense.

how would you change the day you came out your mom's pussy? No, I'd be like, attention, all. My birthday is no longer January 10th. It's January 9th, and I'd one up them by having it the day before. You need to test loyalties in your family. Who is going to celebrate your birthday and who is going to celebrate this day? And then what happens when they care about the baby more? You smear.

I guess. What would you do? You smear. I mean, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd smear before I changed my birthday for sure. Yeah, damn. I'm really sorry that your brother and his baby can't really prescribe anything for that besides a good time. I mean, yeah, just like plan fun stuff, I guess.

Agreed. I went no contact. Okay, hold on. Oh, okay. We got a three-part. Okay, I really got to pay attention. Yeah, okay. Are you ready?

Mm-hmm. Actually. Mm-hmm. Do you want me to, like, take breaks with each part? So you can, like, gather your thoughts. I went no contact with one of my best friends from high school due to multiple instances, like, where she would gift me the albums of the artist I liked for my birthday, but then repost TikToks or hate or...

Okay, okay, okay, okay, are you not? Keep going. She went no contact with one of her best friends from high school because they would give her the albums of the artist that I like, she liked for her birthday, but then repost TikToks, like, of hate. hate on the same singer that she like gifted the albums for. Okay, that's weird. Or continue to hang out and put, that's just, that's weird. Or continue to hang out and post pictures with people who have spread rumors about my friends,

but then turn around and talk bad about them when she's with us or just not being a girl's girl. Okay. So she just sounds like she sucks. But she was a friend who had my back when I was going through a difficult time and I feel guilty for not talking to her even when I return to our hometown. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to reach out and connect? with her anymore.

I don't think you're in the wrong as long as that is your prerogative and like you're not following the lead of your friends who also seem to not like her. Yeah, a thousand percent. But I think I truly think that sometimes people outgrow each other

and like sometimes it's for the best, sometimes it's like a little bit sad but like if there's nothing I hate more than a girl who isn't a girl's girl. I understand. If that girl is like causing you like internal, like, issues and pain, like, I don't think it's wrong to, like, not want to be as close to her anymore. A hundred percent.

But I think if you're feeling guilty, maybe a part of you feels like you owe her a conversation, which you should do on a one-on-one, which no matter how awkward, I just, I think you should reach out. As long as you're not going to, but it's just tough because I know she's probably thinking, like, all my friends are going to be like, why did you reach out to her? But, like, that's so mean. And, like, I hate that. I hate a pack mentality.

I hate a pack mentality. And I just think you just somehow need to separate yourself. From the pack. But did the question say that all the other friends don't like her too? Yeah. They were like, she talks about all my... It sounds like they had a group conversation about this girl.

Because like she's like listing points. She's like she... It sounds very high school. It sounds... Sounding like what happened to you. We don't have to get into that on this episode. But yeah. Look, I've been there with friends and people turning against you.

And it's not a good feeling when it happens to you. So maybe this girl, like I'm just feeling a little sympathetic for her. Like, look, she didn't murder your dog. like if you're feeling guilty about reaching out, maybe just say what's up. There's no harm in reaching out. Unless you have come to your own decision and you're like, I don't want to do this.

But if you're feeling like you're following a pack mentality a bit, I would like sit with it with yourself and think about what to do. Right? Mm-hmm. Totally. And I'm going to prescribe to you the movie The Click. So you can see what a pack mentality looks like.

It's a great movie. Really. It's a great movie. You've never seen the clinic. I'm going to prescribe that to you because it might make you look at how you operate as a group of friends differently, even if you're not meaning to.

Aligned. So that is it for the birthday edition. Tell me what's wrongs. And now, oh. Do you feel that? No, like my things are in. My fangs are coming in. I think it's time we do some vampire-themed,

ghoul-worthy, tell me what's wrongs. So first, let us sip our BBs. Cheers. Eyes. Eyes. I remember you're really good. I mean,

blood is so good. Okay. Okay, for the sake of this, how old are you turning on this birthday? 24. You've only been a vampire. Fuck.

Almost my third century alive. Damn. I'm an oldie. You, she bit me, actually. She bit me, you bet. You bet. My blood. Yeah, I do have a little bit of her blood in her.

But let's go. Oh my God, I'm your sire. What the fuck does that mean? I, like, really, like, I have a huge problem with the fact that you, like, didn't finish vampire diaries. It's, like, eight seasons. Yeah, and finish it. Well, I know what happens in the end now. Damn, you guys showed the fuck up.

My fake friend said she started sucking my ex's blood. That's not your friend anymore. Wow. That's foul. That's, like, really fucking personal. I would say like sharing blood Just to like vampire for the humans watching Like that's equivalent to me like to having sex

And I think that's wrong Yeah she's hooking up with your ex That's like the most intimate thing you could possibly do Agreed agreed agreed My things are coming in and they hurt so bad Same I think I submitted that No you didn't someone else did But you also did submit something similar

If your fangs are coming in I don't know how you dealt with it because you were bitten like three centuries ago, so they like, there wasn't a lot of modern medicine. But for me, um, I mean Tylenol. I take three Advil. Okay. And, um, I take an edible. And usually that curbs.

And then I usually like just pass out to add and to make sure it's Advil PM and you'll pass out and be like kind of high and then you'll wake up and your fangs will be in. But like the pain is worth it, girls. No, it's so worth it. Like you need your famp life. But I'm just saying like to curb the pain like we live in a world where you can do that. Just don't take Oxy because I know some vampires who have gone down that path and it's not chill. Damn, I cannot say that.

I was trying to, okay, well, Julia, I think you have some personal experience with this one. I was trying to go vegetarian and only feed on animal blood, but I had a slip up. Fuck, you're pulling a stuff in. Yeah, and you're pulling a Julia because that happened to you like 40 years ago, if you remember. Yeah, I tried to go veg 40 years ago. And then I got like super drunk one night and it just like a human sounded. like so good to me and I just like couldn't resist and like I relapsed they survived but she did relapse I relapsed and I was like you know what like everything in moderation you should have human blood

but like in a blood bag you know like you should never be feeding off a human's neck unless you're together in a relationship like that's fine because that's a personal thing no yeah but you should never bite like I don't know I just I know how hard it is like we've all been there but like B over 8. FTV, I know it's so much better from the vein. Yeah. But like sometimes you just got a baby and like you've got to be okay with it.

And like the bunny, just take the bunny. Yeah, like the bunny will do. Pretend you're a vamp. Is this a cry for help? Yes. Had blood in my teeth. Had blooded my teeth all day and no one told me I can't see myself in the mirror.

Need to bring toothbrush with you wherever you go. Because like you can't blend in in the real world if you have blood in your teeth. You're already so pale. Yeah, it's like... And you're already sparkling. M-C-H-B. My coffin hinge broke.

We'll go to Wayfair because they have some. Yeah. I mean, I don't sleep in my coffin. I sleep in my bed, but, like, that would suck. Can't find a good coffin. Go on... I love, lovemy coffin.com. Or Facebook Marketplace for coffins.

Holy fuck. We are so strange. Yeah. This is insane. The possees are going to be. like so fucking weirded out by us. It's fine. Has this funny?

Or is this concerning? It's concerned. Jake, it's really concerning. I started my period today and after seeing salt burn... Skip. Okay. Like, I don't... I don't know.

I don't want to compel him to love me. I want him to love me for me. Okay. Um, I've been there. Yeah, I've also been there. And let me tell you something. Well, all you might want to do is something. funny.

Go on, go on. All you might want to do is compel them. Like, it's almost like smoking artificial weed. Like, it's not the same. It won't feel like real love. Yeah. You will know that they only love you because you have

compelled them to love you. That's not fulfilling. And also, what have we said about dating humans, you guys? Seriously. Like, it's, there's such a fine line. There's such a fine line. Like, enough. Seriously.

Who do you think the Bonnie of our friend group is? P.m. No, like, it's definitely more Kennedy. Wait, I didn't know people drink blood and salt burn. That's what a lot of people are writing in about. Oh, no way. Maybe because we're not cultured.

We haven't seen salt burn. And you, no, never mind. Chipped my fang. Go to Dr. O'Laric. Alargas. In Mystic Falls. If you run there and you, like, run fast,

it should only take you about four hours. But, like, definitely run. Alarck's good. Alarque's really good. I got my teeth from him. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Okay, so now that we've answered all your birthday related, tell me what's wrongs, and also your vampire-related, tell me what's wrongs. Julia, what did we learn today? I learned that I'm really lucky because I have amazing friends. Good answer. And they make my birthday every year, SS, so special. And like, whether it's a vampire birthday or a human birthday, like, it's just the people you surround yourself with. A hundred percent.

And I think what I learned today, and I know this is a harsh truth. Oh, wait. Can we backtrack for a second? I know what I'm pissed about. What? I forgot. We were never therapist. What are you pissed about?

I'm pissed about the fact that I didn't know what a golden birthday was when I was 10 years old. And so I didn't have a, like a proper golden birthday celebration. You know, I was about to shit on you for that. Yeah, no, because guess who's going to plan your golden birthday? birthday. Me. Oh my God, my golden birthday hasn't happened yet. Yeah.

Well, must be nice. It is. Fuck, that sucks. I'm sorry, Julia. See, like, Julia's birthday was cursed and that's why she deserves a good one. Anywho. So we learned today that birth, you have good friends who are celebrating your birthday. I think what I learned is that your birthday is really only as special as you make it.

And, like, you make it. You're like, my birthday is important to me. Yeah. And you were like, I will only surround myself with people who treat my birthday with the importance it deserves. If you don't care about my birthday, right. Also, the second thing we learned

is that you definitely should not have your birthday party the night before prom. Absolutely not. I'm sorry, Lily. I don't know why we got so angry about that. But like, Lily, don't do it. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Seriously. Because it's just, we're just saving you. Like, Lily, I want you to have a good birthday. And like, if anything, like now you'll be able to celebrate your birthday twice. And I want you to look good at prom. Yeah, like, why would you be,

why would you want to be hungover? I mean. I'm sorry, we won't, like, Lily, if you want to talk on the side, like hit us on the side, like keyword birthday prom. We'll know who you are. Yeah, we'll chat, message her, and she'll flag it for me. She'll go to, she'll, but seriously, Lily, like, hit us up.

I'm dead serious. Like, I want to talk to you. Like, I would even FaceTime. Yeah, I would face time. I would face time. I would help plan your birthday party. I would help plan your birthday party. I would help plan your birthday.

If you promise not to do it the night before prom. Yeah, but if you want to do that, message Julia and me in a group chat on Instagram, keyword, Lily birthday prom. Lily birthday prom, hit us up. We will FaceTime you and help you plan your birthday. That's also one of our prescriptions. Oh, I hear someone. It's like an earthquake arrived except it's a birthquake.

What's that? Who goes there? Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Julia. Birthday to you. Are you one?

Are you two? We'll be here forever. She's a vampire. Blow them out, girl. Thank you for joining but Julia's belated birthday extravaganza, even though it's not belated, and we will see you next week on Theraput.

Bye, pussies. Hi, pussies. Put your tents up. Put your tents up. Hands up