Therapuss with Jake Shane - Session 10: Brooke and Connor

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

“I mean luckily I have puss...” Brooke and Connor join Jake in the Therapuss office to talk about body hair, Philadelphia, and Omegle... GET YOUR TICKETS HERE! bit.ly/48KIlCI Tell Me What's Wrong at ⁠passthatpuss.com Follow Me! Instagram | @passthatpuss TikTok | @octopusslover8 Listen to "Brooke and Connor Make a Podcast" https://www.youtube.com/@bncmap @bncmap Follow Brooke! @brookeaverick @obsessedwithbrooke Follow Connor! @fibula Tickets to "FIB AND FRIENDS" https://linktr.ee/fibsandfriends Listen to "THERAPUSS" Spotify: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/1BHDdC0OVuHqZ706FobfOF ⁠⁠Apple Podcasts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/therapuss-with-jake-shane/id1723626781⁠⁠ Amazon Podcasts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/93117357-1f23-46e1-8f26-88f5182a68b8/therapuss-with-jake-shane⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/@octopusslover8 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I Pussies and welcome back to Therapus. We have an amazing episode today with Brooke, Averick, and Connor Wood. You also might know him as Fibula. They have their podcast, Brooke and Connor make a podcast. And Brooke recently launched her new podcast, Obsessed, which you might have seen me on. And Connor is on his nationwide stand-up tour, which is amazing. And I'm so excited to see it. So I'm filming this intro.

It's Monday right now. And I'm going to New York tonight. and I'm lining up my dates for New York because as you pussies know, I don't go on dates in L.A., but as sure as fuck, go on them in New York. Or at least try to. If you remember last time I went on that date

with the guy who told me it wasn't a date, so that was a fucking bust. But I have this, I have two really cute guys that have asked to get drinks on the same night. So I'm just trying to maneuver that. Actually, by the time this airs, I will have gotten drinks with one of them.

So I'll tell you in the chat, actually. if you're watching this right now. What if we call them man one and man two? Okay? So I'm leaning towards going on the date with man one, like highly. Like, I'm going to go on the date with man one as opposed to man two

because I think man two is available on other nights. But I'm really excited. I actually really hope that man one doesn't watch this if we go on a date. But yeah, I'm super excited. We had great banter last night. I had all my friends help me with my responses. I had Brett help me a lot because she's the hinge queen.

She's like really, really good at Hinch. She's in a relationship now, so she's tired, but she's sick. It's a deep plan. And so we'll say at the beach with the phone. Hello? Um, no, oh my God. No, I thought our session was May 1st.

Fuck. Okay. Okay, I'll be right there. I'll be right there. Okay, Irvine. Tell me what's wrong. Whoa, what a glitch that was. But yes, tickets to my first therapist live show in Irvine, California, are live now.

Ticket link is in my bio. I'm so fucking nervous. I could puke. Please come. I'm so excited. I love you, Pussies. Enjoy the episode. Hi Pussies.

Hi Pussies. Hi Pussies. And welcome back to Therapus. Today, we have the incredible Brooke and Connor here in the therapist office. Hi, Brooke. Hi, hi Connor. Hi, Jake. Hi, Puss, Pop.

Tense up. Tents up. It's great seeing you in action. It's like an artist at The Aesel. You think? I really do. That really made me feel better. Sometimes all I need is a good compliment.

Oh, yeah, I'm happy to give you them whenever you need it. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's your star sign? Gemini. Wait, don't frown. Okay. I have a Gemini rising and a Gemini member.

Okay. And I'm a Scorpio son. Okay. Are you a Leo? Virgo. Damn. Yeah. I totally see that.

Is he controlling? I have to start lying about that. I never. Yeah. I wouldn't say you're controlling. I would say you like control. So he's a Virgo. Yeah.

I guess that's true. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, how is your guys' day going? Oh, Jake. We touched on this for a second. Tell me. We weren't recording.

I know, but. Sorry. Sorry. We saved it for the pee. We all. I like your mustache. Thanks. I also really like it.

Oh, let's go, you guys. Thank you. I was going to say, never have I ever really had, like, have the mustache, especially for someone else's a podcast, because a lot of people are going to be like, that's disgusting. Why? Why? Because there's six hairs.

This is like a week and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Are you Christian? More than six. Are you Christian? I'm religious. No, like.

You're religious? Like, your blood. Like, are you Christian? Blood. Like, was I raised Christian? You're not Jewish. You're not. Oh, um, I don't know.

Because I usually find Christians have a harder time growing hair. Yeah, let's dive in. Let's dive into that. Well said. Why do you think that is? Because Jews, like myself. Very hairy.

Yeah. And then I was always so jealous. Like, I grew up in a pretty, like, Christian town and people used to ask me. me like to raise my arm as if I was asking a question. And I'd be like, oh my God, why? Because I was the first fucker with armpit hair. I was too.

Yeah, yeah. And it's so embarrassing. You'll never know that pain. And I used to- No, I won't, but I'll know the pain of like everyone getting to shave and me being like, I guess I should try to shave. Are you like Irish or like what's the vibe? No, I don't really know.

But Jake, look at my eyebrows. Like, I don't even have eyebrows. Like I don't hear anyway. beyond being a non-Jewish. A non-Jewish person. Yeah, you, yeah. But you have luscious locks. You do.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. No, I had to think about that for a second. I was like, like, lush-ass locks. Like, your hair is a great asset. Thank you. Of course.

Yeah. I have super hairy legs. Oh, I have the most hairy legs. Well, actually, I was, I was, wait, they're not good right now. And I was going to say they're not. No, no, no, no, no. They're very prickly.

Okay, got you. Before I learned that, like, women aren't supposed to have body hair. societally, which is wrong. And that's part of the reason, part of the reason I'm sporting some leg hair today. It's not at all that I'm too lazy to shave. I used to show my leg hair to boys

and be like, look how hairy my legs are. Yeah. Like how cool. Oh, that was a thing. But yeah, no, my legs are so hairy. Isn't that crazy? Anywho. Is this me flirting with Connor? Look at my hairy legs. Oh, shit.

That shouldn't make you uncomfortable. It doesn't. It did. It did make you uncomfortable. I just was going to have more hair than me. Yeah, I know. I'm very hairy. She ate.

She kind of left no crumbs right there. No, I'm never leaving crumbs. Well, Pussies, if you don't know, tomorrow's Valentine's Day. We're recording this prior to Valentine's Day. So what do you guys mean for Valentine's Day? Well, it's funny you say that. I was going to make a TikTok about this.

You know what happened to me earlier. Oh, yeah. That was funny. Tell it. So I was getting into my car earlier, and it's been a while since I got a parking ticket. I usually just, like, factored that into my rent. Yeah.

I'm like, it's just, like, it's just, like I'm going to get one, so no harm, no foul. It's been a while since I've gotten one. Yeah. And I do feel insane. Just like your Instagram story today, I was like, I do feel kind of like weirdly not in control, but I'm going to lean into it. So out of control.

I saw the parking ticket and I go, let me go grab that and make sure I don't get another one or towed. And I get close. I'm like, that's not a parking ticket at all. It's a note. And I was like, oh, what did I do wrong? So I'm always doing something parking wise. I pick it up.

It was the opposite of a parking ticket. Was it a love letter? Kind of. Wow. It was an invitation to a neighborhood orgy, word for word, subject line, neighborhood orgy. Do you have it with you? It's in my car. I should have brought it in.

I memorized it, don't worry. It said, used to do these all the time in San Francisco, made a lot of friends, even more memories. If you're interested, text me, name and number. And then my favorite part of the whole message, and this is why copywriting is so important. They said, looking for locals only, but open to outsiders. as well as insiders, wink face. Ha! So I think I might.

You should. I think you should. I mean, tomorrow. No one's doing it that way. A lot of times a day is tomorrow. I'm sure they're going to have a rendezvous. I just want to hear about it. So like, I think you should do it.

I think so too. And you should vlog it because that's something that other influences aren't doing. I'll wear a GoPro on my head. Wait, you should absolutely do that. All J. Alvarez style vlog it. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Where were you when? He dropped those. logs because I was in middle school like pinching my roles. I was on like a different side of the internet. What are you pinching your rolls? Is that like a figure of speech? Like my rolls on my stomach. Like I would pinch them as I watched the J-A-Alvarez video.

Because you wanted them gone. I wanted them away. Yeah. Oh. The other day was like to someone I worked out with. I was like, it was my trainer. And I was like, oh, like how do I get rid of this? And I forgot that trainers like don't lie to you.

And he was like, yeah, yeah, that. Like that's alcohol. Instead of like, that's not there. I love when people lie to me. Yeah. Like, please lie to me. Yeah. Oh, I, that's why I like L.A. better.

Yeah. Because we live in a city of liars. Yes. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Where are you from? Colorado?

Texas. That's where the Christianity then came in. I was like, I could just, I'll tell you, it was probably the same thing with you. It was like, you grew up in that area with all those people. Wait, so we never got, are you Christian? It's like, it's like just me being an individual right now. I just like keep such an open mind. They're Christian.

Yeah. So. I was raised Christian. I feel like with my friends that are Jewish, it's like, you're always Jewish. You don't just, you're not, you're not like, oh, I'm Jewish. It's a lifestyle. Just don't go to, you know, church. You know, with Christians, like, oh, I just haven't gone to church in a while.

Like, yeah, it's a lifestyle. You're confusing me. I'm confused, too, because I didn't want to say, like, like my Jewish friends don't go to. What do you go to? Synagogue? Temple? I don't, yeah, Syngo?

I have no clue what's going on. That was really funny. You are always Jewish. Right. But like a Christian person that moves out of Texas to like L.A. is usually no, not anything anymore.

That's not how it works. I'm lost too. Let's move past it. I think you're still Christian even though you don't live in Texas. Yeah. No, I don't have to like pray. Where are you from?

Philly. No way. Do you love it? Um, a little, not really. Right. Yeah. Um, my manager is from Philly. Oh.

Do you know where from? No. But I know that he loves Jason Kelsey. Okay. He loves the Eagles. Is Matt? Yes. Go Eagles.

Matt? Yes. Matt is from Philly. Yes, as well. One thing about people from Philly. They'll let you know. Yeah, they will. They will.

But there's so many people from Philly. How big is Philly? Huge. The thing about Philly is that like you, people from Philly feel a lot of Philly Pride. I feel like I missed the boat. Like, I don't really care that I'm from Philly. You want to know why I think they feel Philly Pride?

Why? Because wasn't Philly? Like, isn't that where the Liberty Bell is? Yeah. That's where, like, everything went down. The Liberty Bell. Yeah, it's one of the 13 colonies. Exactly.

So they're like, we'll let you know. We're OGs. We're going to remind you. Yeah. Like, we've been here. Yeah. It's like when you used to like transfer, did any of you like transfer schools from middle school or whatever?

No, but I told everyone I was. And all the OGs or the lifeers, the lifers. Uh-huh. The lifers. Like they wouldn't let you fucking forget it. Oh my God, that's a good point. Thank you. Yeah.

Like born and bread. I feel like New York people are like that too. Like if they were born in bread. It's another one of the 13 colonies. Sheesh. It all goes back to the OG 13. Maybe it's just like a northeast thing. It's just a great.

It's intense. Yeah. I really can't believe you're from Texas. Yeah. It's many forget. Do you forget? Yeah. Would you ever move back?

Oh, no. Really? Where in Texas did you grow up? Houston, mostly. Yeah, Beyonce. Yeah, exactly like Beyonce. How do you feel about, well, since you're from Texas, oh, Jake, I like pulled that up because I was so curious.

I was like, how's Beyonce going to do country? She ate it up. Like, with ease. Yeah, with ease. Yeah. I was about to say, how are you feeling about like country coming back? You strike me as a country guy. Welcome, everybody.

I love country. Like in the back of all my TikToks that I film in the car, it's like country music in the background. So I just like hear a lot of it. But I've never like sotted out. Beyonce, I'm like, okay, she's bringing it. And I think, who else? Like, Lottadol Rai. Lassau.

Lassau, that was the name of her song. Album. See, I'm loving it because it's like, country kind of moved away from country. And then other people moved towards country. Like Diplo started wearing cowboy gear and making songs. Like Lil Nossacks was like cowboy for a while. But the actual country people were like moving away.

Like Taylor Swift went into pop. Right. Like, who are the other people that went into pop? Shania Twain. Shania Twain. pop. I'm trying to think of any guys that went into pop. Not many.

Blake Shelton. I don't know anything he sings, though. He just went ahead. Not a song. Not a song. Not a song. But he's married to Gwen. And everyone knows his name. He is married to Gwen.

It's funny, right? Yeah. Yeah. Blake Shelton. Can't think of one. One song. Can you? He's a judge on American Idol.

But he's a singer as well. Not to me. To me, like Lake Shelton is a judge on American Idol. Right. But the only way he got there is. through his singing. Right. We're saying we have

Which I've never heard. Never. What does Simon Cowell do? Like how did he get in the American Idol chair? I actually don't know. He doesn't sing. No.

Except for, remember the end of Shrek? I think he does shrink. He got the Shrek. He does. He did. Did he?

Or does he just manage people? Or record labels or whatever. Maybe that. But he like created one direction. Yeah. He wins. Did Simon Cowell ever sing? Cala hasn't released any albums as a recording artist.

Right. Yeah. Wow. I used to have the biggest crush on him. I did too. Yeah. There's a lot. Yes.

I was like a big, like early days of American Idol. I feel like we're really similar. I think so too. I have always thought that I've watched you for forever and ever, like since 2020. And I've always felt like we were similar. And like this is just solidifying it more. I feel that way too. You want to sit on, you're going to sit next her?

No, I like to be able to look at him. Yeah. Yeah. And just kind of have that soul connection. Yeah. I also was in love with a lot of the like early American Idol contestants. Like David Archela. For example, David Archiletta.

Yeah. Clay Aiken. Who else was there? I loved the, Kelly Clarkson. Elliot Yamin. No. I love that. I love that group of young men.

He played the guitar, but he was like a rapper, but he was also like a rocker too. He like, wasn't. second place to Jordan Sparks. Do you know who I'm talking about? I know you know who I'm talking about. He was so hot. No. I don't know anyone from.

Oh, um. I also thought Daughtry was hot. I was about to say Daughtry. I thought, and I thought whoever Kelly Clarkson, who was she like competing with? Justin Grambino. Yeah, he was hot as well. Yeah. And what did that movie they made?

Justin and Kelly like go to. Justin and Kelly. They did something. Oh my God. A moment like this. Yeah. Fuck. They will never make an American Idol.

I'm really sure. I talked to, like, how you guys are able to pull stuff like that out. I was raised by the TV. They're formative. Formative. Yeah. Did you have unlimited screen time? Unlimited.

Unlimited. Unlimited. My parents were like, go. Go. We don't want anything to do with you. I think it's helped us out. I do too. I feel great.

Do you have OCD? Yes, do you? Yes. Oh, Jake, I love it. Are you on something for it? Yeah, I'm on a few, a few things. Prozac? No, right now I'm doing Zoloft.

Okay. But that was after taking myself off of Prozac. Symbolta. Okay. After taking myself. off of Lexapro because I convince myself like, oh, I'm fine, actually. Yeah, you're not. And then I'll go off.

And it turns out the only reason I was fine is because I was heavily drugged out. Yeah, and you know what that reminds me of? What? Obviously you watch girls, right? I have watched the first two seasons. So when Hannah has the OCD meltdown, because she doesn't take her meds because she needs to write her buck. Yes. I've seen that part.

I need to get back into watching. Yeah. What was your favorite show growing up? Growing up? Yeah. Oh, wait. I didn't say my funge ball, probably. But I was just saying that you guys, I was pretty jealous of the memory that you guys are

pulling this stuff out because I don't even remember. like four years ago. Did you watch like Disney, Sweet Life, Panama Montana? I don't remember. I know that I was outside. You were probably outside playing a lot.

I didn't participate in that. Yeah, but like how come I? We weren't outside. So like I remember everything. Me and Brooke talk about this a lot, but like do you ever make up memories? I'm like, I don't know. All the time.

Like who was that person? That doesn't mean they're not real. That all the time. If they're real to you? They're real. They're real and enough. Yeah. And I have some memories like ingrained in me

that I wish I didn't. Like what? Like one. time me and my friend looked up naked people on YouTube. Just naked people? Yes. Like, what am I supposed to do? I was, like, in first, second grade.

I'm not. I'm in bed going about, like, playing my Pokemon. And all of a sudden, my dad knocks my door and he's like, Jake, like, Blank's parents are here. And I'm like, what? It was so fucking awkward. Like, that's a memory I wish I didn't have. Oh my God.

You looked up naked people. Like kissing. That's like a good memory, though, because, you know, when you're a parent, you'll handle it the exact opposite way. Right. I'll be like, wait, so fine. Maybe won't need all the meds that we're on. I've been is this.

We actually, I remember, I have that same kind of memory where me and all my friends got on this, this, like, online game called Imvu. Of course I know Imvu. Oh, I don't know. I am VU. I am VU. And like, we're all making our characters fuck each other. And it was like, I wasn't fucking. Is it like Sims?

It's a lot like Sims except, I don't, for some reason. You've never had IMVU? No. Did you ever do like Moshe Monsters? No. I went on Omega a lot. Okay. See, that's dark.

It was actually pretty dark. That's where things take a turn. There's not even like a fake animated facade. It's like, that is a gray dick. Yeah, you want to hear the darkest part, actually, of my Omegal journey? Yeah. Me and my friends would ask people to rank us from prettiest to uglest. Over and over and over again.

Self-sabotage. And I always got ugliest. No. Yeah. Yeah. And I would literally be like just keep going until I got like at least like second or third. Just not ugliest and we were doing it all night until I got like second ugliest or something, which was sweet. That is nice. Yeah.

That's one of my formative memories. My most formative memory is when I Googled gay porn and had a virus attack my parents' computers. So they had to come to me. Tell me that they actually didn't have a problem with what I was Googling and that they were so supportive. but that I couldn't look up porn on their computer anymore. Okay, so gay porn was fine, just like no porn in general. Yeah, because it gave their computer a major virus. Okay.

We're doing no viruses right now. Yeah, yeah, that's sweet. Can we talk about PCs used to get viruses like no other? I'm confused to, is the whole thing with Apple is that they don't get viruses? That was the first thing about it was like, no more viruses. And they fucking lived up to that promise. I feel like I have gotten. They did.

They lived up to that promise. I think a lot of people, too, like, I feel like your father specifically are probably really Gen Z. So they probably don't understand there was a computer room. I don't think you might. Oh, I don't remember the computer room. There's computer room. So, like, you're looking up gay porn.

That's in your computer. What happens in the computer room? And I didn't always know how to clear the history. It was confusing. It was confusing. It was confusing. Your tubes were tied. You had to just leave it there.

Did you ever use the computer at the local library? No. I don't think I could access my local library for whatever reason. You didn't have a library card? I used to memorize. my library card. Oh, Jake, that's cute. That's why I have such good memory.

What were you saying? Nothing of importance. You didn't go to the library. Everything was just really spread out in Texas, so it wasn't like I could go to the library. Like, it was 30 minutes away. Really? Yeah. In all of Texas?

Everything's like that? No, I would just like where I live. Damn, Connor. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I made it with zero libraries of it, but used to love the library. And this classic book there and this classic.

Oh my God, the Scholastic Book Fair. We're outspoken about the Scholastic BF. We need a candle. Smells like Scholastic Book Fair. Yes. Like, I need something to bring me back. The smell. Mm-hmm.

I don't know if they did one for adults. Like, would it be? Would it feel the same? No, it wouldn't. You know I got my first CD ever there. It was kind of broken, but it was breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. Did you know the song because of you is about her parents' divorce? Of course.

I found that out recently. It's about her dad. Found that out recently. And it, like, completely altered. She's a life-changing human. She's life-changing. And I took her for granted. And I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm never going to do that again. What is she doing right now? The Kelly Clarkson show as well. The Kelly Clarkson show. That was rude of me to even say that. No, it's okay. It's okay. It has its niche.

Yeah. Is it huge? It's huge. Yeah, I think so. You want to know what makes it so big? She sings a little bit at the end each time. She should. And she covers songs.

And it's like infamous that if Kelly Clarkson covers your song, it's going to be better than hers. Yeah, that's, that hurts. to hear, but it's true. Oh, my God, you guys, I'm having so much fun. I forgot to even get into our first segment, therapist. Therapist.

Yes, therapist. I'm therapist. I'm therapist. I'm going to that. You're way better at having guests than we are. Oh, my God, it's insane. Really? Yeah.

Like, we, you guys, don't ask any questions. Me and Brooke, if you are our guest, which hopefully. Yeah, well, yeah, we have a date locked in. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I said, like, me and Brooke will start getting in an argument and then just fully turn towards each other and then we'll be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, shit. Yeah.

So where are you from? Right. And then, right. We're very talented. You're very talented. You're born to. You're born to. You're born a podcast.

What are you doing? That's okay. I respect that. So I can. Are you comfy? Okay. Yeah. Do I look okay?

Oh my God. You guys, I, before we get into therapist, I bought in a thousand dollar octopus. I saw that. Is it? It's the jelly cat, right? Do you want me to go get it? Can you please? I'm begging.

Okay. I have recently developed a jelly cat addiction and need to go to the jellycat diner. Wait, is it? It's a, it's a, okay. What do you want to talk about? Like Jake, having this awesome studio. It is real pretty. I do feel like me and you are breathing so close.

Are you feeling like a little bit lightheaded? Mm-mm. Right about to pass out. Like, faint type thing. No one get up all at once. I'll be totally fine. No one's stress. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jake. Right? So that was 1,000 USD flat. Well, he was 800 plus tax. Okay. And you know how that was.

Wow. Oh, my God. Okay. So this is actually great. These are the jelly cats. This is not a typical jelly cat, but. Wow. Jake.

So his name is Neville Popper Puss. Yeah. Neville Pappar Pus. Yes, right? It's cute, huh? It's adorable. He's very handsome. Wow.

Wow. I guess I actually didn't even realize. This is Pessandra. I was crying when you first introduced Pesandra. This is Pessandra. Hi, Pessandra. You're looking beautiful. Oh, she says thank you.

She's such a little bitch. I love. So you have Pasandra, Neville Pusserman. I have Pasandra. Penelopas. Penelopapurpus. Papapurus, sorry. ETP, extraterrestrial pus.

Okay. Push-herin. I love Pusherin. Yeah, Pus Sheeran. Is he orange? Who is this one? Oh, no. I think that's Therapus.

Oh, Therapus. Well, you're supposed to rate your day on a day from 10th up to tens down because it's reversible. Wait, okay. No, rate your day. rate your day. I always forget to ask. You just reminded me. Well, I guess we didn't even get into therapists.

Sorry. Okay, no, no, no, no. I think, see, this is what we do. We get people off track and then forget to come back. Okay, well, now that I'm back with Neville Popper Puss, MPP. Pupp. What were you guys pissed off about? Do you want to go?

Yeah, I can go. I have so many things. I have a couple as well. I was really pissed this weekend. Okay. Like, so beyond pissed. Because I, me and my friend booked a little staycation. Where?

At the one hotel. Love. Okay. Jake, I have bad news for you. Oh no. Did not have a good experience. Wait, tell me everything. Well, it's beautiful, of course.

But it's very expensive. Okay. How much a night? It was like 500 and I. What? I did not know that. But we were like ready to shell out because me and my friend Patrick. We were both in like a negative like anxiety depression headspace.

Right. And very much eating just like a self-care weekend and didn't want to rot in our own beds. Totally. So I figured let's just rot in a different in a different bed at the one. and like really treat ourselves. It is gorgeous there. Yeah. But I will say there was no type of service

and they were pretty unresponsive to us. That is my number one pet pee. We asked housekeeping. A lack of urgency. We asked housekeeping to come and we were gone. They didn't. That's fine. Asked again.

They didn't come again. So by the third time were you like, I've asked twice? Yeah. We were a little bit firm just because of how much we were paying. Of course. And then also the TV wasn't working.

Oh, so switch rooms. Yeah. And then they gave us, they said we could have one free movie. And then the credit they gave us didn't even cover parking for our troubles. So, I was therapist. Yeah, damn, I would have been fucking therapist too. I'm really, when I'm spending money, I get really defensive over my piece. But I also like, I'm terrified of confrontation.

Really? Terrified. You're not? No. Wow, good for you. I'm terrified of confrontation and relationships. relationships in other senses, no. That's good.

That's a good quality to have. It's also okay to be firm and not rude. Right, I have to remember that. Yeah. I always forget that. I always forget. Is something funny? Do you feel like you can be rude?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, see, I'm always scared of that. Without meaning to that. Like, it's an accident. Like, it's the New York in me. Yeah. It's not your fault. It's not my fault.

It's literally not your fault. other day I we were this guy was just being an asshole like driving wise my friend was driving so I flipped him off because that's what I would do in New York of course and then we pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store and we were like sitting there on our phones for a second and this guy had come out right like he was like leaving as we were going in

but we were just like beefing and then like he comes back around the guy you flicked off yes parks next to us and just looks and I'm like okay like this is super awkward and scary and then he leaves. And we're like, okay. Back around again, he comes and just stares at us.

So I'm like, okay, we must leave. So we leave and he follows us out. And then follows us down the block. And then we like make a turn and he stops. But like that was like, okay, like I can't be as aggressive and rude as I was in New York. It's scary. It sucks because in New York, you flicks him off. It's like, it doesn't hold the weight that it does here.

No, not at all. No, like, same thing with a horn. By you hear a car horn here, I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You. Right. Really? In New York,

it's like background music. I feel like it's birds chirping. Uh-huh. It's like nice almost. It's peaceful. No, when I'm like on my phone or picking my hair at a light

and it turns green and I don't go and someone beeps at me because I'm not moving, it's like, excuse, like I am busy. Mind your business. Mind your business. Like really,

that gets me therapist. I just got this soup. God forbid I take a bite at the stoplight. Like I'm going to lose the split end I'm working on. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, need to exercise patient.

I also think that you should earn your right to a car horn. I think you need to earn it and you should have it taken away. You don't get to use it willy-nilly. I know I totally got that. It loses its... I love using it. Yeah. But no one can use it on me.

I actually don't even drive, honestly. Does it make you anxious? Yeah, I think I'll crash. I sometimes forget... My dad says I'll crash. Yeah. You want to hear something crazy. Yeah.

When my dad picks me up and it's just us two in the car, I still sit in the backseat. No. What's the reasoning behind that? I don't know. Have you guys, like, talked about it or it's just unspoken? Brooke, I'm surprised that's not, that seems like something you would love to do. Yeah, I would like it in theory. Like, it must feel nice to kind of be.

I was going to say that sounds kind of awesome. I was like a kid again for sure, but it's definitely like it probably should have stopped when I was 11. He doesn't say anything about. Like, oh, he's in the back seat? And that's that. No, Jake, this is, I've been saying this a lot on our pod. Like, I'm loving, like, being like a baby. Yeah, I'm a baby.

Recently. Like stuffed animals. Yeah. Like when I suck my weed pen at night, it's like my binkie. You should get a bed chat. What's that? A what? We'll go to my room after and I'll show you.

So it is a hose. And you put it under your bed, under the blankets. You turn it on hot or cold air and it blows up your covers and you're just laying under there. So after a shower, I lay under, put it on turbo hot, and lay as hot air blows all over my body and drives me off. Oh my God, I've got to go turbo. Yeah, it's insane. Oh. It's, you, oh. Yeah. Oh. It's the craziest thing. Oh. You can try it in my bad after this. I have genuine, like, full body FBCs. Yeah. FTCs. Yeah. Oh, FPC. We say that. I got to get a turbo. What's it called? Bed jet. Bed jet. I'm going to prepare you. You need an affiliate link because I'm sold twice. Yeah, I know. That's what I,

I have been saying that. Mm-hmm. Oh, I need that so bad. I don't want it hot, though. I want it cold. You can get it. You can get that. Get that from bedjet. You have control. Are you ready? The degrees from 50 degrees, 50 to 110. Is 110 safe? Yes. Have you done turbo?

That's turbo. You can only do it. Well, actually, you can turbo's 114. That's what a way to go if that's how you went. By turbo mode of bed jet? Turbo automatically turns off after 10 minutes and you can't make it longer. Okay. So I turbo on, turbo on, turbo on, turbo on, turbo on, turbo on, turbo on.

So you keep turbo on. And as I have it on you, ready for this. Fan blowing cold air at me outside, inside, toasty oven. Whoa. Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank. I was going to say, I could see me, like,

showing up to your house, like, Brooke has been late for the pot. I'm going to go check on her in her house, and she looks like that one lady from chocolate, I remember when they first have been in chocolate. She's like a shrinky dink of herself in her bed. I love being, I love being cold in bed. Same. What do you sleep at? I sleep at 62.

The AC? Sorry, I sleep. Yeah, I sleep at 62. Oh, I do 69. Whoa. But fanblasting. That's hot. Yeah, it's real hot.

Well, what are you therapists about? I'm therapist about a lot of stuff. Now that you brought up AC, when I moved into my apartment, like, that is not on my checklist. It's like, oh, I should check to see if I have AC in this apartment. That's not. No, I just, I guess I'm, I guess I'm a spoiled brat. That's something that you checked. I didn't even check because I haven't.

No, I'm, believe me. Like, I. I get it, but like that's not even a spoiled thing to check. Like, check your AC. I haven't, I haven't, I haven't had to check yet. So are you not, you don't have an AC. So I don't have AC. Window unit, that's what I had to do.

Oh, so now I'm in my, my bed piece and I'm like, okay, this is horrible. I need to take two Benadryl. It's sad. You take Benadryl too? Oh, I have to to pass out. I take it every night. Oh, no, you can't take it every night. Oh, okay.

I don't know what happens. How about a Melatonin gummy? I take those sometimes too. Nightmarers. The last time I took a melatonin gummy, literally this is going to sound like very traumatic, but I had a dream about Usher, and he was evil Usher.

I had a dream last night that is so inappropriate and scary. Oh, no, no. Like, I actually can't publicly say it. After this podcast ends, I will tell you what my dream was about, but it was, I haven't even told you about this yet. Usually I forget my dreams by midday. I have not forgotten this one.

I hate those. The lingering feeling, like you can still feel it. It was bad. It was bad. bad and it was really, how do I put this politically incorrect? So I, like, must share it after this podcast. Okay, that sounds good. Oh, I can't wait.

Yeah. We have a lot of things to circle back on after the podcast, but they're up pissed about it, because I kept this in mind, was I went, because I'm waiting on some documents, one for my dog to, like get him. You have a dog? I do. Sorry, we keep going on tangents. No, that's what tangents are bread and butter.

But I have been waiting on one for my dog, one for my back, because I injured my back, skiing three weeks ago. And I'm like, why haven't they come? And then I'm like, oh, I don't even know where my mailbox is. Like, I should ask my landlord where my mailbox is. And we have one on the side of it. I was like, oh, must be for some other units. She goes, oh, you know, I only have one key for the mailbox.

So I would just suggest you don't send any important documents here. I'm like, you need to move. Where do I put them? Where do I send them? I'm sorry. Who should I send my important documents to? You're so much better than me. Because if that was me.

You would go New York. I think I'd threaten a lawsuit. That's, that's. Like, I think I'd, like, Threatened legal action. You need Jake on your team. Well, those are the things when, like, you know, when you're in that situation with, like, something that's caught you so off guard. One, I can't, I wish that one of my friends could just be there to be like, I'm not making this stuff up that happens to me.

Like, this happens to me. Right. And I wish that someone else would have been there so I could, like, talk about it and laugh. But my initial thing, when something absurd like that happens is, like, I need to tell one of my friends and, like, laugh about this. Oh. But, like, the other thing is, like, so I don't apologize? Because I literally was like, oh, no biggie. Okay.

That is a biggie. I wonder where those documents went. Like, that has my social security on it. Yeah, that, that part. Not that I wouldn't even know what to do if someone had it. You would call, what's that app? Life lock? Life, life.

You're smarter than me. It's like, I don't even know what a social security number really does. Okay, a social security number? I don't really fully get it. Okay, so basically what a social security number does. Do you know what it does? Okay, so tell me if I'm wrong. It is like who you are.

Like it is like baby born robot number. Like that is you. That is your identity. I feel like we don't keep it safe enough. We don't. And that's who you are. Like that number, if anyone else has that, they can like commit crimes in your name.

They can do everything in your name. I want to watch an episode of SVU where this person like committed like... This person... We're on brand. This person was kind of... A person commits. I'm addicted to this young Puss. Oh, this one?

Yeah. MPP. I keep, it's... MPP has a really low voice and it's like kind of weird at school. It's, is it pusherman? Neville.

Never. Papper Pupp. I keep fucking, he's fucking it up. Papper Puppus. Papper Puppus. Papper Puss. Papper Puss.

Papper Puss. Papper Puss. Yeah. Because it could have been Pusserman. That's what I keep. That's very Jewish. I think Papa Puss is funnier. I get how you've stayed so on brand with like the Puss thing because I'm kind of like slipping in it.

I said, in my head, I was like, need I pus on? Yeah, need I go on? Need you push on? It works for everything. How long were you pussying before TikTok? I started pussying when I was September of 2021. Oh, so it's kind of recent.

Yeah. And I would just post photos of the octopus with like song lyrics. And then I'd rate it out of eight. So like I'd like, you call me again, pussy in your tents like dash Billy Elish. I would rate the octopus. And then I would do like seven out of eight tentacles, whatever. And then someone was like, you should start making videos. And then I was like, okay, like, da-da-da-da.

And then like I came up with high-pussies one day when I was really high. And then I started doing that. And then I came up with high pussies, hi Jake. And then I came up with tents up. Wow. And then I brought it to TikTok in May of 2022. And then the rest is push-stery. The rest is pustery.

Yeah. Okay, so do you guys know about the tummy what's wrong? Yes. I'm going to be so good at the prescriptions. Really? I'm so excited. You are too, but she like... No, no.

It's fine. I can just provide backup if needed. She's just like, like me, like a pop culture lockbox. Yeah, yeah. I know. I actually feel like I'm worse at pop culture than you would think. Really? Yeah.

Okay, we'll see. We'll see. Tell me what's wrong. I went on a date last week and the conversation was flowing, but 30 minutes in, he went to the bathroom, and when he came back, he said he's going to call it a night. Wow. It's such a good thing. I saved my story for this.

one. I was home within the hour. Was he shitting his pants or does he hate you? Oh, he could have been shitting his pants. Wait, I need, can you rewind really quick, really quick, really quick? I'm so sorry. I think I got confused. Okay, do you want me to reread it? Can you? Sorry. It's a thing about this room. No one understands. It's like it goes over. It goes in one ear out the other. It's just because it means you're comfortable. Okay. Yeah. I do feel comfortable. Yeah. I went on a date last week and the conversation was flowing. But 30 minutes in, he went to the bathroom and when he came back, he said he was going to call it a night. I was home within the hour. Was he shitting his pants or does he hate me? Oh, shitting his pants? I think he was shitting his pants. You know, at first, I was going to like keep it real and I was going to be like,

I don't know if he was feeling it because, but that's because that's what I'm used to. So I can't project my negative experiences onto the pussies. I also think he was shitting his pants. I'm really curious how long he was in the restroom for. I think that's a crucial piece of data. Yeah, sometimes the pussies are leaving out data that like would be important. But that's because the pusseses are like me. So like when something's happening, like you're missing detail. Right. You're just upset. Right. Yeah. And you're also. You want to be succinct enough. It's like you need those key details.

The time in the bathroom spent is key. Key is key. Because sometimes with summit gags, you get a, you spend enough time. Right. And now I only have, the clock is ticking before. Oh, 100%. A second plane hits the tower. Yes.

Yes. The second wave. The second wave hits my ass. I actually don't know what to prescribe for that. I would prescribe, I think, I'm trying to think of a movie where they like shit their pants. Oh, those bridesmaids. Yes. There was also one other really good shit one.

Along came Polly. Oh, never seen. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a really good one. I love Ben Stiller. No. Jake, homework tonight, please.

Okay, I don't even know what that's about. That's a good toilet-clogging one. Oh, my God. That's a fun one to go into wine. It's Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston. Could it get better? Let me leave it at that. Let's leave it at that.

Let's leave it at that. Let's a great movie. Rom-coms are back. I don't know. Because of no heart feelings. No hard feelings. No hard feelings. We actually have been outspoken about no hard feelings.

Brooke more than I. That's like one of my favorite movies I think I've seen in the past 20 years. It's the best movie I have ever seen. Ever. Man Eater changed my life. My life! Man Eater changed my life! I listened to it on Spotify. Do you know who I had on my podcast last week?

Andrew Barthel. No, you did it. I swear to God. No, you did it. Is he as lovely as he seen? He is literally the sweetest boy in the whole world. I, like, he literally ran that podcast. I was literally just staring at him like drooling, like so.

What's next for him? So brilliant. I think we're going to see him on the Broadway stage. I can see that. Not that for him. Fingers cross. So we prescribe for you the bridesmaidsmaids where they shit their pants and along came Polly. And I also prescribed that for myself because I've never seen that.

Yeah. Oh, good job. Oh my God. I'm speaking so fast. My ribs hurt. Let it out. What happened to you guys? No.

Okay. I fell in love with my best friend's brother. He's, oh, sorry, not best friend. That is a big distinction. I fell in love with my friend's brother. Friends brother. He's never talked to me before and he's not a great person, but for some reason, I really like him. We are in a play together and I have to see him every rehearsal.

What do I do? I mean, I guess nothing if he's not into you back. Also, I think you, like, answered your own question with that he's not a nice person. That does not just, that does not put. It's a speed bump, not a stop sign. Is that what you're saying? I'm not even a speed bump. That's like, go faster.

Oh, like it entices you. Yes. Like I'm merging onto the highway. I understand that fully. That being said... I'm flicking him off so he falls me into a parking lot of the course. Maybe start... And I get out.

Start practicing positive patterns early. Okay. What the hell was that? I don't know. I love that. I love that. I don't personally practice them. I didn't for the longest time.

But can't hurt to start early. Yeah. Maybe you'll end up differently. So, yeah. Yeah. I'd just be direct. I like, you know, I like you. We have to see each other every day.

It could also be this Ariana Grande thing. We're like, she might only be, you know, you might only be attracted to this person because in the moment, your work crush, if you see them at a bar, you're like, Ew. Oh. No.

Right. Like your, work crushes are so real. Or like your teacher in high school. It's like, I'm weirdly so attracted to this person. But like, you see that, like, you look back. Did you guys have a teacher that you were in love with? Yes. You guys.

Like bad. Like, I have Snapchat's that I would take of them. and write the most insane things on. Like, I actually need to find them after this. Like, I was head over heels in love with this one teacher. It's the position of power. That is. That it can't ever be replicated.

And he would get so mad at me. Like, were you kind of, like, flirting with him? No, I think I flipped him off once. Go figure. I flipped him off once. And he was like, what? I'm your teacher. And I was like, well.

But you know how, like, when you're a kid, like, you think that's flirting? You know. Ducently about it. Yeah. Yeah. How old was he? Like early 30s. That's the sweet spot.

That's the sweet spot. Prime. Prime. I think I need to change my hinge to 30 to 34. Why not? Yeah. Why not? Yeah, why not?

What's the oldest you would go? Are you for real? I'm dead serious. 50. I think that's fine. What's the oldest he would go? Honest. Maybe like 40.

Okay. You. Context is key. Who is this person? I'd go, I, we've had this conversation before. No one sexes.

Like, for the bill, for the billion. Like, let's say like, a billionaire, you're, yeah,

a billionaire is interested in you and like, they're like, okay, like, well, that, you whatever?

No, obviously. Of course. Like, I'm not even saying, like, I'm not even talking a dollar amount.

I'm talking also like, position of power. I'm like, oh, I was talking dollar amount. Okay. Yes, a billion.

Hey. 60. I wouldn't write off a couple thousand even. Yeah. I see that for you. I see that for you. The highest I will go was 34.

So what do I prescribe for the song Best Friends Brother by Victoria Justice? Oh, good. Brilliant. Brilliant. Okay. And I also prescribe good, what is it?

Practice good patterns. Yeah. Practicing good patterns. And also that movie, don't tell me. The Edge of 17. That's a good one. I've never seen that movie. That's a good one.

And that's a best. friend's brother. Okay. Storyline. I am covering Brooke actually when I really get involved in the conversation. I'll lean back. My name is Issa. Hi, Issa.

Hi, Pisa, kind of pussy vibes. And I really cannot make this up, but I want my stepdad and I don't know what to do. Oh, that's bad. That's like horrible. I really don't think I can be around him anymore. But since he's literally perfect. There's no way my mom will ever end things And they are getting married this June

Oh my God I want to curl up in a bull Issa that's like I've got nothing No you need to go Like you need to seek actual help I think that's a professional I like totally get where Issa's coming from

I like feel bad for her And also you guys like that is not the first time I've heard a story about like something Along that line Really? No I think I actually just laugh I just like have step parents So I'm like trying to put myself in in Issa's shoes

And I mean what about the mom? She's like I can't even go after it because my mom won't end things with him. Like, so if the mom did end things with him, she'd go after it. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. I think something to keep in mind here would be maybe a conditioned response.

Wear one of those shocking dog collars on your wrist. And every time you get close to your stepfather, you need to shock you. Yeah. And then so that conversion therapy. Yeah. Wait. But that is crazy. Like I feel bad for her.

Like there's nothing she can do. Like that is not. Like she is not biologically related to him. But I do think it's weird that like, your mom fucks him and like maybe that also interests you. You just have to like get over that one. Wait, I can't believe she put her name. I know and we.

That can't be her government name. That's crazy. Issa, I fucking love you. Me too. Of course, Issa, that goes without saying. What's her prescription for that? Well, the last time something creepy like this came along, I prescribed Lolita. But I think I might prescribe American Beauty this time around.

Oh, that one's a creepy one. Yeah. Yeah. Just like you shouldn't be fucking. your stepdad. Right. The LDR. Don't.

My friend, lied about being in a near-death experience to ditch us to go to a Super Bowl party. I'm sure I've done that. Yeah. She claimed she was working at her job and was held at gunpoint. I love her.

Come on. We found out she went to the party our friend group wanted to go to, but we didn't because she told us she had work. She didn't. And we didn't want to go without her and leave her out.

How do we approach this? She, you need to, you need to tip your hat. She went to the party that they wanted to go to? Wait, the whole, okay, like, let me like put this, because I understand what she's saying. The whole friend group was invited to a party. Right. This one girl was like, ah, guys, I can't go.

I have work. And then, so the whole friend group was like, all right, we won't go. We don't want to go without you. And then she's at work, and she's like, I'll let you know if I get off early. And then she's like, oh my God, you guys, I can't go.

I was held at gunpoint. Right. No, she went, she went to the party. went. What do you think her reasoning was? She didn't want to go with her friends to the party? Embarrassed by them. Embarrassed by her friends.

That's the problem. It's not the lie. Yeah. That lie like I can 100% stand by. Yeah. If you're using it as like an excuse to stay in. Yeah. Yes.

But like if you're using it to like, um, betray someone like that, mm-mm. I can't stand for that. I can't stand for that. I don't know what the fuck I would prescribe. Maybe like a friendship breakup. Like I would drop her.

And I'm never for dropping. because I've been dropped before, but, like, I would drop. What would you do? I'm torn. I need to know why she did that. I would just ask then. I would be very clear and be, like, what was your motivation for doing this?

Right. It could be attention at the end of the day. Gunpoint? Yeah, that's more understandable than embarrassment. But it's just, like, wild in this day and age, someone is going to see you at that party. Right. Yeah.

Like, so she must really not give a fuck. No, maybe she wanted the friendship to end subconsciously. Wait, you know what I'm going to prescribe. Did you watch the movie on Netflix? You're so not invited to my bat mitzvah? I did. So do you remember the scene where she goes and hangs out with them and like the girl has a party and doesn't invite Adam Sandler's daughter? Yes.

That's what I'm going to pitch back to you. Yeah. I heard that movie was just horrible. What? It was so amazing. I didn't like it either. What? I don't know.

I don't know. Wait, it was like, oh my God. Like that was my life in seventh and eighth grade. Really? I don't watch it then. I don't know why I wasn't feeling connected to it. Oh, I was so strongly connected to it. Maybe I need to rewatch.

You need to rewatch. Maybe I was. wasn't in a kind of space. I was like, oh, God, this is like, Ban Mitzvah's, like, ran the world. Totally. So. What was your giveaway? I didn't have a bar mitzah. You didn't? My parents said, if they go, if you have one, it can be in the rec room.

And I said, excuse me? Like, my friends are renting out clubs. And they were like, are you out of your mind? Like, you can have it in the rec room. And not only that, but I didn't want to go to Hebrew school. Yeah, that's fair. And so I didn't have a bar mitza. I'm so, so sad after hearing everybody talk about going to all of these parts.

You didn't. I never even got invited to one. Did you have an HC? Hebrew. Holy Communion? No. Oh. I don't even know.

See, I don't even know what that is. That's so far removed from... You know, one time I wasn't invited to my neighbor's Holy Communion because I was Jewish. Really? How crazy is that? My next door neighbor. Is that like a thing that, like, Jews shouldn't be there? No.

It didn't like me. Wow. That hurts. Yeah. That hurts. I had one experience like that that I will never forget. Talk about memories. Like, this is such a who cares memory, but all of my friends got invited on this, like,

limo to go to this under 18. club Uh-huh. Like what Talk about it. How old were you? It was a party to celebrate human trafficking. What were they doing now that?

It was called Purple Rain. Of course. And I think it was R-E-I-G-N or something. And we would, I think everybody was really into drinking rocks or energy drinks. No one was even drinking. Right. There was nothing nefarious going on at all at these things,

but I didn't get invited. I want to drink energy drinks on a limo. How old were you guys when you started drinking? Maybe they were worried. you would want real drinks. No, I wasn't, no one was, it wasn't even a matter of that. It was like, it was not cool. Yeah.

Oh, I got that. I've been there. Yeah. I've been there. That's the worst feeling. It's the worst feeling. Yeah. So what do we prescribe?

What is the girl? Is the girl with the, oh, the bat mitzvah. This is a girl that faked her own death to go to a Super Bowl party. When you put it, that, like, that's what it is. Like, that's crazy. To not go with her friends. I need one person to sit her down. I know that.

we could prescribe her, we have to prescribe her something, but like, sit her down and be like, hello. What's going on? Be clear. Yeah, like be clear. Yeah. Something's definitely happening.

Because it might be just one person in the group that she doesn't get along with. And she doesn't want them there because those are her friends. Can I tell you what it sounds like? Please. It sounds like these other people were only invited to the party because of her. Oh. And she was like, look, I'm just so over this. I need to like make up some fucking lie.

It's just better to be clear. 100%. Yeah, even though it's, it is hard. We should prescribe her the new season of The Bachelor. I hate The Bachelor. I haven't seen it. I started watching it. Are you enjoying it?

I just want to be a part of something. You would make such a good Bachelor. No, I wouldn't because. Yes, it would be so funny and I would actually watch The Bachelor. No, I don't think. Would you do it with a bet? I don't think they let you be funny. I can't, I probably wouldn't.

You wouldn't do it for the bed? Reality because of the implications. Like, I don't think you could ever escape that. But you know who did reality and came out on top? Tyler Cameron? Him, number one. Mike White. Mike White!

He did Survivor. He did survive. Oh, he didn't just come out on top. He is the top. He's the top. He's holding it. He's hoisting everybody. So I think the one thing I would do, I would do Survivor.

Yes. I would do Survivor. I would do a non-love related one, although I would do Marriott for a site. Really? I think I'm headed there. Okay. I got, me too.

You'd be good at that. See, I would watch that because they let you keep your personality and everything. It's so clear that they don't script. that. What? Married it for say. And I think that like that is so fun to watch because you like are like, oh, this is not scripted.

I watched The Bachelor. I'm like, this is that. When you are the Bachelor, like they are, there's no way he has those AI generated responses to every single person's like little tiny problem. No. Have you had, have you seen the show Unreal? No. I haven't either.

Oh my God. It's literally based on the behind the scenes of The Bachelor. It's amazing. Have you seen Unreal Louise? How good. I knew you would have seen that. I knew you would have seen that. such a you show.

Okay. I've had a thing with this guy for a month now, and he is just such a sim for me. Yay. When it's just us two or around my friends. Oh, I spoke too soon. But he always puts the boys first and barely acknowledges my existence

when we're around them. What was the timeline? I've had this thing with this guy for about a month now. Okay. I'm like not totally again sim putting his friends first. I think a month is really early.

Like it's, I don't I don't think that I would even bring someone around my friends. I wouldn't. Actually, who am I kidding? I would. It's hard for me to say. Yeah, like, all I do. Make stuff up and then, like, take it back.

I think it's not like an immediate, like, huge red flag. No, I don't think it's, I think if you were dating and it's been like six months, like, yeah, something's weird. Howard, wouldn't you want him to put his friends first? Or, like, have the person you're talking, be like an individual. It's like, oh, this person has things going on, things they have to be at. Right. You know, it's like, that's kind of, it should be nice. My number one pet peeve is when someone I'm friends would start seeing someone and then just disappears off the face of the earth.

Yeah. Yeah. So good for, good for this guy. Yeah. I think maybe give him a second chance. The only thing I can prescribe for you is patience. Oh, yeah, a heavy dose of patience. Do you have reviews these before?

No. You're so on it. Thank you. It's because I drink my fast switch. What is that? I'm not a sponsor. I'm nope. I'm not even sponsored.

I need something that. It keeps my brain like up and at them. Wait. Can I have a little sip? Please. I have it every morning before my workout. Is it an energy drink? Yes.

Chug it. You're going to feel. Yes. Whole thing. Why? I bit off more than I could chew. It's going to change. Oh, thank you.

You're so nice for still speaking into the mic. You get it. Veterans. You're going to have a taste. Give it like 10 minutes. You're going to start to feel. Do you drink pre-workout? I do.

Yeah. It's a, it's a, oh, wow. It's not good. Like, I know that I'm going to dive so early because I drink C4. Of course. Like, if I don't, if I, because I'm ADHD, it's like a pre-work. I'm already. Yeah, I told you.

Here we go. I have C4 and if I don't actually go expend energy. Expend? Yes. Expell. Yes. My face will need to be ripped off. Itchy.

Yeah. So you want to know my cocktail before filming? Yeah. Half of those and a few hits of the weed pen. Oh, I need a cocktail bad. That's my cocktail. And it hits like, it hits every. I have been so tense on camera.

Oh my God, I'm going to start like butt chugging these. Yeah, it's amazing. They don't even sponsor me. I think they might. Well, last time I said they were going to catch a lawsuit, so I don't know if they will. Zero sugar? How does that possible? Because it's Gatorade.

No, because there's probably taurine in it. What's that? Coring. Some other kind of sugar that they just don't call sugar. It's, um... Oh, my God. This one is so fun because this one is implying I have a guest on. Yes, I love this one.

Oh, cool. And, okay, okay, ready? Jake, help. The guy I likes girlfriend is literally cheating on him with 25 plus year old men. We are literally 17. Do I tell him and do I shoot my shot? Jake and lovely guest. Oh, nice.

Please help. Wait, the guy. She is interested. You could send an anonymous email. I've done that a few times. Ron or Sammy. Yeah. There's a moral thing.

I don't think she should. I don't think you get involved. You don't get involved in someone else's relationship. Oh, I would have to. Does it not always end poorly? Like, do, you know what I prescribe for you? This is a quick one. Mean girls.

And I'll tell you why I describe Mean Girls. That's very true, Jake. That's very true. Oh my God. This is like my favorite episode I've ever filmed, I think. I'm like dead serious. I'm having so much fun. Okay, I prescribe Mean Girls because in Mean Girls, Katie, all they try to do is get

Aaron Samuels to see that Regina is cheating on him. and it doesn't work and it bites them in the ass. Totally. She ends up throwing up on Aaron Samuels at her party and they never get together. It catches up with you. I also think like no matter how right you feel like you are in your mind, like that's not your place. Not your place.

It's all, leave it on. Like you never want to get involved in someone else's relationship. My parents always taught me that. Yeah. It's so true. I would not be able to help myself. I think I have like a disease.

I got that. There is one that I've agreed on someone going and telling the other person. and it was someone's dad, the girl saw her best friend's dad out of making out with a girl in a bar. And she was like, I have to tell either my friend or my friend's dad to tell them, like, I can't live with that.

I don't know what I would have done. What did they do? I can't remember, oh no, and we'll never find them. But, like, she was like, I don't know what to do. And I think it was a consensus to be like, if your friend ever found out that you knew that and didn't tell them, I think she ended up telling the friend and then the friend did whatever she wanted to do with it.

I think I would do that too. Ultimately means like the friend took care of it. I think that's a little different too because it's not like you're wanting to date your friend or the dad. It's just like. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because that feels like what is your intention?

Your intention there is to end up with this man. Right. It's just like crazy because like. Not be like the moral compass. But like back to this girl and her dad, if that was me because I love to play what would you do if? What would you do if? What would you do if that happened to you?

Like, do you know what movies like to play that game most with? What? Like survival movies. For example. Like hunger games? No, no, no. Like movies like where they're stuck at the top of the cell phone tower and they can't get down. Movies where they're stuck on the ski lift and they freeze.

What would you do, Ed? Like you're going to eat. Die. Yeah. Movies where they're stuck in the shark cage. That one makes me want to throw up right here right now. Yeah. What would you do if I, like, I don't know what I would do.

I'd probably tell my friend. I think I would too. Well, what would you do? Like if I was stuck in the shark cage and I wanted to... Oh, no, if you saw your friend's dad. S-O? Yeah. Oh, wait, if about the friend's dad?

Yeah. I was just saying. I would get so drunk with the friend and then be like, I have to tell you something. That's how you would do it. I would tell them right after. I'd actually probably tell my parents. Yeah. And be like, I need your help.

Oh, I would want like as little people knowing about this thing as possible. Because I think, again, like, if your friend finds out that you told your parents, it's like... But I tell my parents everything. See, my parents, my mom talks. Really? Even if you're like, don't say anything? I guess not, but I don't think to tell her that ever. You know what's crazy.

Love her to death. At what age did you realize your parents were just grown up adults? Or grown up children, sorry. Like in college when I was like, why did you put me in college? Like, I hate this. I'm failing. And then I was like, they don't know. This is their first time being 46, you know?

They're just grown up children. They probably want to ask their parents, what do I do at 46? Uh-huh. Weird. It's a horrible feeling. I think I learned that early. because my parents got divorced. Oh, yeah.

And so you learn, like, when you watch them, like, try to be a single parent, and you're like, oh, oh, you don't know what you're doing. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good. Yeah.

Part one. This is, like, heavy. Were you comfortable? Do you want to lay on? No, no, no, I just, like, I think I just. Is that, like, is that making you want to crawl inside your skin? No, to be frank, I didn't wear underwear. Oh, okay.

And the pants are, like. Any recent? Inside me. No, I was just, I, guys, I feel like you guys would appreciate this. I did six loads of laundry. You smell like glamorous diva wash. Clamorous diva wash. What's glamorous diva wash?

Jake! It's going to change your life. It's this like super, super expensive luxury detergent. And is it amazing? It smells so, go smell Connor. It smells so good. On my pants. Smells pants.

Yeah. It's sweet. Oh my God. It's so good. Here's the thing. Sorry, do you mind really quickly? It's so expensive. So what you need to do is buy non-scented laundry paws and put them in and then just put a little bit of the diva in so that it's getting a full wash without.

How expensive is that? Very. Like I think it's like 50 for like a little tiny. Calamorous diva wash. You get it on Amazon. Last time we talked about it, by the way, that's the most hate comments, like volume of hate comments I've ever gotten because I think it's a small company out of West Texas. Okay. And it's a candle company that like makes this detergent.

And we talked about it on the podcast. and for whatever reason, it went Varel. And they sold out for weeks. And everyone from Texas was like, we can't even get our detergent now. I don't remember that at all. I think, I don't know why it was coming. That sounds like a constructed memory.

No. No, I promise. It was like, really, if you even look at the comments on that video on BNCMAP, it's all like, this is a small company, you overwhelmed them with orders. It's like, they're on Amazon. So they should keep up with yours. Wait, I'm so excited to use this.

Oh, my God. Uncented pods. Yes, with just a little splash of the diva wash to make it last longer. It's a lot of. Just a splash. Yeah, I'll send it to you. Okay, please. It is exquisite.

Delicious. Wow, I'm really excited. And if you're having a bad day, wash your sheets in it. Get in that bed. It's like a mother's milk. You know what would make that better, you guys. You know it would make it better. What?

Weed pen? Bedjet. Bed jet. Bed jet. I'm so excited for you guys. to see my bed job. I am so excited to. So,

Akamazing. Okay. So what? Connor. It's like, you get it. Like, like,

Acapella. Like, pitch perfect. Excuse me? Oh. So I have like an outspoken thing against pitch perfect and I.

Why? You know I saw that film during Hurricane fucking Sandy? Oh shit. Yeah. I am, that's how badly I wanted to see pitch perfect.

I am so sorry. I spoke out of turn. It's no. That was inappropriate. That was inappropriate. Tell me about why you hate Pitch Perfect. I don't know why it. You don't like singing.

You have not lived until you have seen the final pitch perfect performance. You know, hands up. I am a song. Yeah, it's amazing. Well, I actually don't know if they sing that. Do they sing that? Yeah. They do?

Yeah. And the final performance. Oh, I don't know. No, I guess they were just singing that on the bus. Oh, yes. It's the best movie ever. Anywho, that's where I watch it. The thing about me, I have an open mind.

One thing about you? I can change opinions. Like, Brooke and I are like, let's be watched things in review. We don't have a very strong constitution. No, no, no. That's, yeah, that's another thing. It's like, what do we say about our opinions? Loosely held.

Loosely held. They're u-black. Can change in a moment. Yeah. Don't believe anything I say. Yeah. Or do. Yeah.

Hi, the day before the first day of school. So the day, okay. I found out my best friend would sneak out of my room during sleepovers. Fuck my brother. I've actually heard about this happening before. This went on for eight months. She said it only happened once, but I had proof of other times. It took a lot, but I pushed to forgive her because we were on the same team at school.

I then found out that in this time, she was also hooking up with the boy I had a crush on for years. What do I do now? I would be more upset about the second piece. Me too. The brother, I'd be like, damn. Well, that's kind of like on your brother for fucking your friends. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Want to hear something? Yeah. I heard about once. Yeah, I do. I heard. I actually, this might have just been the middle school rumor mill, but I remember this girl, another girl, and the girl's brother were in bed in a sleepover, and the girl's brother and her friend fucked in the same bed as they were all having a sleepover.

I actually don't know if that's true, but that's what I heard. That's like a very classic, like this rumor going around. Yeah. But I bet it's true. Rumors are founded in truth. I believe everything I hear. Me too. Me too there.

Do you like listen to any blind item podcasts or? Yeah. Well, I don't really listen to podcasts, which is. Me neither, but I listen to, I, if I'm on a plane, I'll listen to like a blind item podcast. I read Dumois. Like, I'm addicted to reading Dumas. Oh, you guys. It gets better than that.

Behind the blinds. Really? What's it? Oh my God. They have like entire episodes dedicated to like, like they have a stranger things episode where they like it's just blinds about the cast of stranger things and it's fascinating. That sounds really good. That's nice to have a deep dive on certain things.

Oh, it's outstanding. And they go through the blinds year by year. So it's like, like they'll do one on like Bradley Cooper and they'll do like blinds from the year 2000 to the year 2024. Someone needs to just make it a book. How nice to, how nice to have an untapped fountain of topics to talk about on a podcast?

Yeah. It'll never get. Printing money. Yeah. That's so awesome. They also can't get sued because they call, they say, well, you know, do you know, the girl on TikTok that's like, they'll be like this, uh, illiterate actress. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's funny. So I have a, I have a prescription for this. Okay. Saltburn. You, okay. This person is, is having sex with every

person that this girl knows. Okay. Connor, very good prescription. That's a great prescription. Yeah. I'm learning as I go. You're a great description. I was ready like, right away. I was like, if this girl gets involved with someone else that she knows and then boom, it happened. Did that happen in Saltburn? He was kind of like, he was, he was, beating one person out and then drinking someone else's... Right, right, right, right. Discharge. Totally cool. Oh, this next one is going to be so fun for me.

But anyway, we prescribed salt burn. I don't know if I need to prescribe you another medication besides maybe a friendship break up because this girl sounds like a bitch. Buckle up. My situation for... My situation for a year and a half, who told me he was single at first,

ended up not only being in a relationship, but he was married. How do I get revenge? You tell the wife, or I'm going to quickly, just prescribe, I prescribed this the other week, the movie, The Other Woman. That movie is so good.

It's so good. Leslie Man. Wait, is that, oh, Leslie Man, Cameron Diaz and Kate Upton, right? Yes. Nikki Minaj and Jamie Lancer. Whoa, Nick Minas was in that movie. Yes, she absolutely was.

She was Cameron Diaz's assistant. Who was the guy in that? Jamie Lanister. Yeah. Oh. Wasn't there another man? Nah, you probably. But wasn't it Lady Gaga's ex?

Maybe. Who was like the brother? How hot was her that guy? Yeah. So hot. Yeah. But that's what I prescribe to you because that will like,

but I do prescribe a smear campaign. Yeah, I'm pro-smar campaign. A really good smear campaign takes a lot of your energy. You have to become the issue. Like, you live, breathe, and die by this issue. Yeah. So in this case, it will be making sure

this man is not happy any longer. Does that involve his current wife, his current spouse? It will. It will. It takes a few people down. But if she wants revenge, I know it's how she can get it.

You have to think about how much energy you want to spend. Right. On this. 100%. I just think it, now that you've said, you've brought the other woman into this, I really think it'd be fun to,

why not get a little girl gang together? Make a weekend out of it. Totally. If you're able to make friends with her, beat his ass. Right. I would make friends with the wife. You guys,

this person told me the craziest fucking story the other day. I'll actually tell you after the podcast because it's so wildly. inappropriate and crazy and I don't want to like air out her business but like it was wild. Well, that's it for the time of what's wrong. Pussies, you guys were a little unhinged today, but I'm like, Loki here for it. What did we learn today, you guys? Oh, I learned so much.

I learned about a new energy drink. I learned that it's Neville. Papapurpus. Papperpuss. And I loved seeing Pessandra again. She's so darling. She's so darling. She's yelling about not being featured enough, but she's right here.

She's so darling and it's gorgeous. A nice addition to. Papapapus? Yeah, Neville. I learned a lot of good prescriptions. I learned a lot. Jake, thank you so much. Thank you.

Yeah. No, thank you. I've also learned a lot a lot, but I'll let you go first, Connor. I learned a lot about my own body. Different parts of my body fell asleep during sitting here. I was moving around. I was like, I didn't even know that my forearm could fall asleep. It did.

Yeah. Yeah. So, like, I learned a lot of ways to, like, increase blood flow to different parts of my body. body. I learned that if I'm going to be sitting for an hour and 15 minutes, on camera, I should wear underwear. Which is someone with a podcast, like, but like going into a space that I'm not familiar with. Of course.

Really, I need to be wearing. Of course. Like as much protection as I can. But you just wanted your skin to soak up that fabulous diva wash. It's nice. Yeah. Right into the bloodstream. It's nice.

Yeah. And then we were, I mean, I learned that like not everybody knows about diva wash, which is fun too. Yeah. I'm always open to spreading the good word of diva. Yeah. No, I mean, you have. I'm about to go buy it.

So good. Oh, and bed jet. Yes. And bed jet. Oh my God. And Christianity. Words out of my mouth. What I learned today was that Connor was born Christian.

I learned today that Connor was born Christian that he has trouble growing body hair. Which one could attribute to the fact that he was born Christian. Those two could be related. That's just my hypotheses. I have also learned that I need to watch. What's it? Polly Pocket? the movie, Polly.

Along came Polly. Yeah. I've also learned I need to watch Along Came Polly. And I've also learned that I'm not the only one who's into older men. No, Jake, you're not alone. You're not alone. There are so many of us out there. Yes.

Well, thank you guys for coming. Thank you for visiting. Oh, sorry. Sit, bitch. Oh, your session is up, Pussies. Brooke and Connor, thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much, Jake. That was so fun.

Love you I love you Put your tents up Put your tense up