Therapuss with Jake Shane - Session 18: Brittany Broski

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

Queen of the Royal Court Brittany stops by the Therapuss offices to deliver her best advice for Jake and the pussies… Tell Me What's Wrong at ⁠passthatpuss.com Follow Me! Instagram | @passthatpuss TikTok | @octopusslover8 Follow Brittany & Listen to the "Broski Report"! @brittany_broski https://linktr.ee/broskireport Listen to "THERAPUSS" Spotify: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/1BHDdC0OVuHqZ706FobfOF ⁠⁠Apple Podcasts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/therapuss-with-jake-shane/id1723626781⁠⁠ Amazon Podcasts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/93117357-1f23-46e1-8f26-88f5182a68b8/therapuss-with-jake-shane⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/@octopusslover8 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi Pussies and welcome back to Therapus and what a weekend we have had. Taylor Swift has released her new album, her 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department, The Anthology, Out Everywhere Now. I don't even have to tell you that because you know it's out everywhere now. But with me, to kind of dissect our first feelings about it, is one of my best friends and Marathon Runner extraordinaire, Brett. Hi, Brett. Hi.

Okay, so we, Taylor Swift albums are very special to us. Yes. We have very specific rituals while listening to her new album. How are you feeling? What are your faves? What are your thoughts? I mean, it's like so insane because there are so many songs. It's a lot of songs.

31 songs. 31. It's insane. I am really just like fully getting into like the digesting process, specifically of the anthology tracks too, like the prophecy in the bolter. Yeah, see, like you didn't, like, those, I love how every day with the Taylor Swift album, like, we have different songs we like. Exactly. And I think this comes to my point. A lot of people on TikTok are being kind of mean about the album or they're just like, and I think it goes to

show that as a society, we can't digest music anymore. Like, we listen to it and if we don't deem it for us, then okay, it's off and we're done. Yeah. And it's a flop. Yeah. But that's so far from the truth and I think that discourse has been frustrating at least for me to see. I agree. And I just hate that people are like, some people are saying it's not good or like not cohesive. Yeah, because respectfully Taylor Swift wouldn't put out a bad album. She wouldn't put out a bad album. Ever. Ever. Ever. And that's what we said when we were like when we were hearing about the leaks and some people were saying like, oh, it's like Taylor would not put out a bad album. Right. And also I think my issue with it is like it's what Monday. And there are songs that I'm like

listening to and digesting today. And like understanding today that I didn't understand yesterday or Thursday night when it came out. And like, it's like, so how could you put up something Friday morning being like, I hate it when it has taken a fucking swiftly six days to digest the track? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

No, I know. It is frustrating. But some people just don't understand like us. Yeah, they don't. And it's not everyone's cup of tea. Which is fine. Which is fine. But don't yell it in my ear.

Yeah. I don't want to, I don't care. I saw a tweet and it was like, I don't see anyone else talking so much about artists they don't like unless it's Taylor Swift. No, I agree. What's your favorite right now? My favorite right now. Okay. So yesterday was the manuscript.

Okay. Today, my favorite is, but daddy, I love him. Just because I really like how she's like yelling at like people that like say they want the best for her. But like, really they're. just, I'm like, oh, wow. I've, like, never seen Taylor kind of, like, shit on the general public like that before. Yeah.

I noticed that lyric when I was running today and last day. I, like, screamed it in the shower today. Oh, my, I was, I heard, I heard you playing it. I was like, like, it really hit today. Also, can we talk about? Okay, so, obviously the smallest man who ever lived is one of my favorites. Like, I know it's going to go down. It's like one of my all-time Swift songs.

So, who do you think it's about? Because are people saying it's about Maddie? I'm confused. People are singing so I'm Maddie. Right. Here's what I'm confused about. Like, it sounds a lot more. She, like, it sounds like Joe.

I like, I feel like it's probably Joe. I just, I can't wrap my head around the fact that so many songs are like allegedly about Maddie Healy. I think it's because like she, that's what at the time she was recording it. Let me just read you a lyric off of the smallest man who ever lived, which is I was like, I was gagged as fuck when I read it. I need to, I need to listen that one more. I listened to it like a decent amount, but I need to listen to a more.

I almost sent it in our group chat today and then I just got distracted by literally listening to it. Also, Fortnite. I'm hyperfixing it on right now. Oh, I love it. Okay. Because I didn't you say that one like you were sent by someone? She said, in your Jehovah's Witness suit. Oh, yeah.

What is a Jehovah's Witness suit? I think. Is that like the shit he wears on stage? Yeah. Got it. Yeah. Got it. Okay.

So it is about Maddie. I fear. Because I thought it was about Joe at first, and I was like, oh, okay, you want to know what I thought of? Because she said, you message my friends for pills and they ghosted you. It made me think of that dinner she had with like Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds and like someone else and then they all unfollow Joe after. Oh my God. It's like, oh, did they sit down and were they like, Taylor or Joe is like messaging me for pills? And she was like, I'm over it.

Unfollow him. We're done. I mean, that'd be crazy. That's like, what's my first thought. But then the Jehovah's Witness suit, I was like, oh, that's Maddie. That's like my favorites off the Taylor album right now. I really, I think I've discovered with this Taylor album is a lot of my consumption of it. I like to be alone.

Yeah. I like to be alone and I like to listen to it alone because it is so personal. I agree. Like it is so personal. Like my thoughts that I'm thinking, I literally sometimes don't even feel comfortable thinking them in front of other people is not to be dramatic. But do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. oh my god like oh like sometimes you just come to those moments when you're alone like when i was

driving alone on saturday morning i was playing guilty as sin and i hadn't full like i'd listened to the lyrics but not like fully and then i was listening to them again and i was like oh my god yeah and now it's one of my favorites yeah because i've been listening but it like took me like driving alone you know right right i wonder if she's gonna perform any of this on tour because it's 31 new songs i think she'll do surprise songs you don't think any of it's going to change I don't either. No, I never thought that. I thought that it was insane

that you guys were thinking that, I fear. Right. I never, if she adds, and I'm saying this to the Pussies too, if she adds a section to the Erez Tour for Tortured Poets, like, I mean, I don't know what I'll do because, like, I'm not like 100%.

I don't think she's going to. I don't think she will either, just because the ERAs tour is so, so put in place as to what it is. Yeah. The only thing that, it's almost like that, is a part of her life and this is a new part of her life. Also, sorry not to go back, but in the smallest man who ever lived, she said, was, I just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal,

which makes me think it was Maddie Healy. Because this summer. Yeah, because it was this summer. I wonder what happened. I wonder what happened too. But you know what I love, though, about Taylor Swift albums is that at the end of the day, I don't know if it really matters what happened. Because like, it doesn't. The lyrics are, because I love how she says, this was mine, it's now yours. Yeah. Like, do with it what you will. Yeah.

Sick. I love her. I love her. We're so lucky. We're so lucky. Like, she really said, like, 31 new songs. And it's, like, gonna sound track my life for the next few months. I'm not listening to anything else.

I haven't listened to anything else. Me either. And I won't. For so long. For so long. Yeah. The only song I actually keep going back to you is we can't, if we can't be friends by Arna Grande. Yeah, you love that song.

I do love that song. I went through such a big. What was that album called? Eternal Sunshine phase, like right after it came out for like two weeks. I still like it, but like I don't listen anymore. No, it's Taylor Time.

It's just Taylor Time. I need more moments alone with it so I can keep dissecting it. I was writing my essay that I have to write today and I was listening to it in the background and like nothing inspires me like Taylor Swift does. But yeah, overall amazing album. I'm so happy and I need everyone to shut the fuck up. Me too.

Okay, before you go, I want your top three off the album. Okay. Right now. Right now. It's always changing. I'll give you mine after. Okay. One is who's afraid of little me.

Two, I think it's guilty as sin right now. Yeah, you love guilty as sin. Three, I can do it with a broken heart. But a really close four is my boy only breaks his favorite toys. Okay, you love that one. Oh, we end down bad. I don't know.

It's so hard. I think my, I think I'm liking the slower ones right now. So I would say, like, let me go look, make sure that these are my top three. I think my, like, if I had to listen to three songs today, I really like Clara Bo. I really like Clara Bo. Yesterday it was the manuscript, but today I think I'm really, really into the tortured poets department. Yeah, it's the tour. I really like that.

It's like one of my favorite title tracks. It is ever done. It is really good. Like, it is sick. It's sick. The way she says, the tortured poets department, like, scratches my. my brain. So what was, what was the one I said? It was a manuscript, Claribo. No, it was Clarabo. So my top three today are Claribo, the Tortured Poets Department, and Fortnite. Those are my top three today.

Sick. Well, Pussies. That's Brett. Yay. Yay. Love you, B. Thanks for doing this. Today's guest is also someone that is very important to me and that makes me laugh very, very hard. She goes by the name of Brittany Brosky. She is fucking hysterical. I don't know if she really needs an introduction at all. I feel like most of you guys know who she is. She's incredible. She made me laugh so, so hard this episode. And I'm so excited for you guys to see it. As always, submit, tell me what's wrong to pass that puss.com and leave your name and number if you're feeling funny. I would love to give you a call. And yeah, enjoy the episode. I love you, Pussies. Wait, can I just say, wait, are we going? Yeah, we're going. Can I just say, I'm going to go ahead and put on D&D at a respect for the viewers and the fans. Oh, okay. The Jonas Brothers trip. The Jonas Brothers trip.

That was going to be the first thing I talked about. And by the way, I was so, I am such a big fan, but I met you and you were so nice. And I, oh, and I said, oh, my God, if anything ever happens and I'm able to be in the same position or a similar position, I'm going to be just as nice to everyone as Brittany was to me. Oh, my God. Wait, that's going to make me freak out. That's really nice. It's true.

You're so lovely. That was so long ago. It was a year ago. A little over a year ago. That trip was a fucking fever dream, first of all. Yeah, because what was happening? I don't know. Okay, so, have you talked about this before?

Yeah, I actually just talked about this trip with Larry. This literally, because who did you come with? I was on Larry's management team. That's fucking crazy. And I took him to Vegas. Oh, my God. Yeah. Because I remember meeting and you were so funny, but I was like, you were kind of quiet too.

I was because I was working. Period. Absolutely no laughing on work trips. I was like, I was working and I was scared. because I have this thing where I tend to make everything about myself. Like, I can't control it. I can't help it. And Larry was the client, and my boss was like, don't do it.

Don't fucking do it. I know you. You're going to. And I was like, okay. So that's why it was quiet. That's so like, girl, if you're supposed to be in the spotlight, be in the spotlight. Yeah. And then a week later, this happened.

That's wild. Isn't that wild? I need to spit my gum out. Oh, you can do whatever you want. I thought about swallowing it. And I was like, if I started choking, that wouldn't. So the. Sorry, I'll pick that up.

The first thing I need to ask you about. Yes! You know what it is. Go ahead. Beyonce. Yeah, what about it? Blacked out. That wasn't me.

Like, what did you, what did she smell like? Oh, my God. What did you touch her skin? Okay, so, yes. Is her skin so soft? I can confirm. I do look older than. Beyonce.

Shut up. She in person, like, skin is glass, body tea. Like, it is everything you see on the internet or on stage is real. Like, it's not, she looks so youthful and so just happy. And the whole thing was like, she was so grateful to everyone that came. First of all, like, why was I invited? Second of all, like, to launch a brand like that that just makes so much sense with her larger brand. And to have, it's like a matriarchal family thing.

Like, because she grew up singing in Miss Tina Salon. Yes. Blue Ivy, obviously, is on stage with her. So it's like this sort of generational thing that she did with her family. And it was so beautiful. And they take us into this room. Did you think you were going to meet her? No, bitch.

We were on the way out. We were literally on the way out. Like, she came and kind of gave a little speech. And then they did like a hair show kind of like ballroom type hair show. And then it was pissing rain. This was like two weeks ago. Uh-huh. And I was like, because Beyonce left and I was like,

let's get the fuck out of here, girl. Like I had to be up early the next morning. Right. And so we left. We were on the way out. And someone grabs Drew, I was with Drew F. Wallow. Someone grabs her arm and goes, you two come with me. And I said, we're getting kicked out shortly.

Like I knew. I was like, I already know. Did Drew think like we're meeting Beyonce? No, but Drew and Alicia, if you know, from Remy and Alicia. Yes. They were ambassadors for this hair care brand before it was even announced. Okay. So Drew, when her arm got kind of.

of like touch like hey y'all come back here i was thinking oh i'm getting kicked out assuredly but drew maybe she has to let go film something it was like a curtain and then another curtain and then they took us behind and then we're waiting in a line and i was like there's there's no way and then there's no way hensin walks out and then gabriel union walks and i was like we're meeting fiance there's no fucking way dude and then sure enough we're in the line and then it's like literally secret service like headgear and they're like four more okay literally like that and then We all come in and then she's just right there. And I literally did the Harry Styles, like, turned around, like, hand up.

I could not. You have to run. Because, like, I, Beyonce is like an ethereal, like, what? Like, if I saw her, I'd be like, how are you real? No, that's literally was my reaction. But it's like, oh, my God, she's actually right there. She's looking at you and saying, hi, I like your outfit. I have to actually blow the building up.

I'm so sorry, Beyonce. Oh, my God. Did you cry? I would have cried. I cried immediately. I tried to hold it in, but like, bitch, you swiftly? Yeah. Beehive.

Like, it's literally, it's, it's a, yeah. It's a clinical. It's a clinical addiction. Yes, it is. It's like someone, Brooke actually, you know Brooke Averick. Of course. Ask me the other day, she's like, would you ever want to be in the same room? Yes.

Yes. So you could do it. Oh, yes. Okay. And I would fall to the floor. Yes. I would fall to the floor. Flatline.

Because like, partly like, we are who we are because of the people were obsessed with. 100%. You know what I mean? They inform literally. like your personality and kind of how you see the world. I mean like 50% of my day is talking about what I'm obsessed with. And mine isn't. Yeah.

Like so what am I supposed to do? I wonder what Beyonce's obsessed with. Oh my God. Couldn't tell you. Couldn't tell you. I'm trying to think about it for a second. I was like there's probably, I just to have such a legacy and like career behind you and then still be like,

I want to meet the people who are supporting my brand. You know, it's like, it just honestly that made me cry too because it's like, she's done so much, she's been through so much, she's had so much thrown at her, and to still be humble enough to be like, I want to meet my fan, because she doesn't do meet and greets, girl. Ever, ever.

It's always like, this is truly bad shit. I cried immediately. We sobbed the entire ride home, like it was truly unreal. She cried when she got home. She was like shell shock. She was, I wouldn't have known what to do. Stunned into silence.

Beyonce, like, low-key has, like, been through it. I mean, do you remember she had to fire her dad as her manager? Yes, girl? Like, it's not, it's not, It's the racism on top of that, too. Like, being a successful black woman, it's like that level of hatred and just vitriol that was thrown at her is like, and to go through all that and still be on top is like, it's, she's so,

and it took her so long to get the real flowers she deserved. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Yes. Oh, my God. She's fucking amazing, dude. Yeah, it was, it was like flatline collapse. I don't know what I would do if I saw Beyonce.

What would you do if you saw, well, I guess we just talked about Taylor. I'd call to the floor. Could you have a conversation? with Taylor and have the sort of like, here's what you mean to me sort of speech? I mean, I gave that speech to Brooke the other day. Yes. But I don't know if it would come out.

I think because I'm so, like, for example, I did Pilates the other day. Justin Bieber was in my Pilates class. Hey, so can I ask really quick? I'll stop you right there. Why are we doing Pilates with Glenn Powell? Where did that come from? Right.

So I. So I. Just quick question. No, no, no, for sure. So I do Pilates at the Allo Gym. Okay. I actually was just there. I just worked out there.

Love? And Glenn just happened to be in, like, like, I, Tate and I wanted to go at 9 a.m. one day. And Glenn wanted to go the same day. And then we all did it together. Had you met him before? No, never. Wait.

What the fuck? Wait? Had I. Like, were you familiar? Did he know you? I've been passing. Okay. I've been like, hi, because he works out there at the same time.

Okay. That's Glenn Powell. Yeah. And then we worked out together and really got along. And then we were like Pilates crew. And that's where that was born. So who started talking to who? Like, with Tate?

Yeah. And so Tate, like, you know, she's pop star girl. Like everyone's like, like you want to talk to her. And then it's like, I'm like, hi. Hello. Like she was talking to Carol G the other day and I was like, hi, Carol. A lot, girl. Yeah, like, literally.

Stupid. No, but we, and then we just started working out together. And then Glenn has kind of become, this is so crazy to say, this, like, mentor to me in the acting space where he'll, like, send me videos to watch. Like, I'll ask him, he'll tell me how to read a script. Like, it's crazy. You are living a Sims life. No, I know.

I know. And, like, the Glenn Powell of it all really made me realize that. And I saw that. I literally was like This has to be like a paid sponsorship Or like why It's promo for a movie No bitch y'all are friends

Yeah we're like actually We talk all the time I'm obsessed with that He's the nicest guy ever Oh I believe you It's so nice Oh my god wait I met him at Sundance

I interviewed him He was so like actually Like relaxed You crushed those interviews I was so nervous girl Thank you so much No you crush those I remember seeing like

You doing them being like Oh that's so cool that she's doing that She's doing that Who else did you interview That was so sick Oh fucking Pedro Yes. Collapse.

Flatline. Oh, he's so hot. It was horrible. Wait, really? For me. I love them so much. Like, I love them so much. Seeing them in real life is like,

ugh. I know. It's crazy. No, I can't deal with you. It's crazy to see, like, I saw Eva Longoria in person, and I was a big desperate housewives fan. And I was like, I can't believe I'm seeing you right now.

Yeah. It's like, so, I get so shell shocked. No, me too. And it's like, you want to be cool and you want to be like, I work here too. Like that sort of thing, but it's so not. You can. When you're a fan.

Girl at heart, bitch, it's so hard to draw. And that's who I am to my fucking core. Yes. I'm a fan girl. Yes. And it's so, I don't think people who are at fangirls don't understand how much fun being a fan girl is. Because when they feed you, bitch, they fucking feed you. It is a type of high that I don't even think heroin could come close to. No. Like, I've truly thought about it.

Speaking of heroin, I got an IV the other day. Actually, you can see. See? No, I don't, but I believe you. And, no, see, oh, it's bruised. It's bruised. Okay. Broken and bruised.

And they were like, we're giving you a bit of magnesium. You might feel a little loopy. And I was like, whoa. Was this just like, uh, I'm. And I was like, why did you just give me heroin? It's just like vitamin B. Yeah, and I was like, well, and someone came in and I was like, what's up? Tweaking off the magnesium.

They were like, what's wrong with him? I'm like, magnesium. I'm on M. And you know, sometimes like, I don't drink if I really, like this is the most L.A. thing about me. If I'm like, fuck, I'm so dehydrated instead of drinking water, I'll get an IV. You need to be studied. That's really concerning. I know, because I'm like, it'll dehydrate me. Mama, just get a Stanley. I know, and then I can watch TV. As I do it, I was watching Narcos the other day with my Ivy girl. I love Narcos! Same with Pedro Paso!

Yeah! Have you seen Narcos Mexico? No, I've heard it's great. Get into it, bitch. I know. I'm almost done with Narcos because I was watching Narcos and then I was like, fuck, I have to watch one day. So then I paused it to watch one day. And then I just watched Now You've seen me because Dave Franco's so hot. That's the old movie. Yeah. Yeah. It's good.

It's just like I don't know if I believe it. Is that the magician movie? Yeah. Is it Jesse Eisenberg in it too? Yes. Now do you think he's hot? I think he smells like coffee. I'm into that.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm into that. Like he smells like coffee at 5 p.m. Okay, so stale kind of like... He's like an English teacher. I'm so horny for that, though. Yeah. I used to, well, no, no.

About to say something illegal. I used to want to fuck one of my teachers, but he wasn't the English teacher. Oh, we all had that. No, I was addicted to him. I was addicted to him. I used to look at him and like fantasize. Was it? I fantasize of bed.

Do you see her get so mad about that? So mad. I'm upset. First of all, can I just say, I love our underground day. Love, die for her. I literally love her so much, but these interview clips have been having me like, why are people so mean to her? Yeah, but she literally met, I saw a clip of her meeting a fan the other day,

and she's like, you guys are kind of mean to me. No, they are! They really are. That's hilarious. Wait, us to our fans? Why do you guys hate us? Yeah, she was like, they were like, what, you remember your album cover? And she looked at them and was like, yeah,

you guys really bullied me over that. And I was like, gag. I'm gagged. No, I love her. I love her to death. I'm excited for that album. Oh, my God, it's this week.

Oh, my God, it is. We're about to get fed like no other. This month. What is Beyonce's? 329. March 29. And you know she's going to do rock for the next one. I've heard it's either rock or rap.

And if it's either, bitch, I'm there for either. Fed. Fed. But I never, have I heard Beyonce do rock before? Yes. Yeah.

What is she done? She's done rock before. Could you say, well, I guess one plus one isn't rock. But it kind of feels like slow rock a little bit. No, that's more like a ballad.

I mean, some of like four. Oh, that's my favorite album by her. Yeah, or Sasha Fierce. A lot of it is live. She does live rock sort of cover. She did a cover, Alanis Morissette.

Yes. Oh my God. And she mixes it into her set list and it's so well done. There's nothing like a Beyonce mashup on when she, I mean, I just remember like she did this fucking break into Countdown. I think it was on her on the run tour. I forget what it was. I just remember it changed the trajectory of my life. Yes.

No, the transitions go fucking crazy. There was one when it's the dance break. Yeah, it's the dance break. What's your favorite dance break? Everybody mad. Yeah, same. And that's so like, oh, you watched Beechella? Yeah, bitch and it changed me.

Shit goes crazy. Beachella is crazy. It's truly like the world stopped. And I mean that so seriously. It's because like, wait, Beyonce did Coachella. Can you imagine? When was the first time you went to Coachella? I was, it was my freshman year of college.

Oh, shit, okay. Are you from California? No, I'm from New York. What the, so you flew out here, girl? Yes, I moved out here. I've been here for six years. How old are you? 20.

26. Oh, what? I mean, we're both 19. Yeah, we're both 19. And you're from Texas, though. I'm from Texas. Okay. Yeah.

That's where I got mixed out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I walked in and I was like, so how was the flight from Texas? She's like, you mean my living room? Well, I actually drove 40 minutes here. Where do you live? Oh, I guess. You know what, that's a conversation for after this podcast.

I would, can we mute and blur? Oh, by the way, I need to introduce you to Pasandra. Hello, Pasandra. Oh, she says hi. She says, hi, Brittany. I'm so excited to meet you. I've heard so much about you. Is this her non-binary partner down here?

Yes. This is Aquarius. Because Alexander 23, who is an Aquarius named. I love. And now who is this baby stem toy down here? Oh, God, you know, that's hideaway pus. But we can bring, you know what? What are those called?

These are mood pusses, so you can, like, switch them in and out. I only know those because of Tritipatus. Really? Yeah. But I didn't know what their brand is. No, they're mood pusses. Do you want to name them? Like the two altars?

No, it's, that's one person. It's just a mood. Oh, it's just moods. This is probably, this is horny. Okay. Like inside out. Yeah. And this is yearning.

Horny and yearning, because they're two sides of the same corning. And it's blue. And it's blue because it's melancholy. Oh my God, she's sad. Yeah, yearning. Because horny's kind of like, oh, I'm excited. Yearning is like, I'm going to kill myself. Should it be hornpuss?

Hornpuss. That's good. Or what's a word for when you have a sex drive? Libido. Pusbedo. Yeah, libidoblo. We'll come back to you on this. We'll workshop this.

We'll workshop this. Well, I've been meaning to ask you. Please, just go ahead. What are you therapists about today? Or this week. I guess it's Monday. Like, is it so fucking horrible if I want to talk about a man? No.

Okay. Please. Like, sorry. Please. Please. Okay. we're going to get real for a minute okay do it i know that's kind of the point of this this pod i don't know if you've had this experience i probably have

it sounds bad that i probably have trust i have since kind of all this has happened right to you um there is a difference in the way people treat you yes and i'll even bring up the jonas brother's trip again. Like, I'm sure there were people on that trip that you met that did not even say hello to you. You did not even ask for your name and now they want to be your best. Yes. I've been through that so many times. Wow. Are you reading my mind? Because that actually did happen. Girl, I'm literally like, I could have predicted that because when I saw you blowing up, I was like, that's Jake from the Jonas Brothers trip. I fucking wonder, you know, because people only give a shit. When you have something to offer them. If you, if they have something to gain. Absolutely. My experience is that with

regards to straight men. Okay? Let me explain what I mean about that. I have what some would call a Victorian woman face. It's very like I think there's a difference of like this is Instagram baddy kind of face and beauty and then like this is a sort of divine feminine beauty. Right. And my followers, I'm so thankful for, they're so kind to me of like, you know, you're beautiful in like this sort of way. Like, I've always been a plus-sized woman. I've always kind of had... Oh, my posties are like, you need a B-cup. Wait, that I'm fucking just out you posted half-be-crum. When your friend texted you. Oh, hey, nipple boy.

I almost fell out, bitch. Yeah, that was a straight map. You know... That's my friend's boyfriend, actually. Thanks, John. Thank you, John. Hello to John. Holy shit, by the way. Second of all, you don't need a B-cup. Oh, I put on a bra the other day. I'll show you a phone. This is it more like an A cup? Yeah.

I think it was a B. It was a training bra? Yeah, it was. That's really special. I wore it. And then I sat there and I was like, is this too far? And someone was like, just a little. It's like one of those lace TikTok shop ones.

It's like team you. Ever. Wait, sorry. I keep interrupting you. Continue. No, I've never had it to my pickle. I know that's what you're going to ask me. So I know that also just like from being in the world long enough that there is a difference

from how women. And the queer community approaches like what is beautiful versus what a straight man approaches as beautiful. Knowing all this, whatever, growing up the way that I did, I've always been the funny friend, whatever. I am now getting attention from straight men that cannot be trusted. And part of my whole brand online is like being horny and yearning and whatever. But it's kind of a joke, but it's also kind of not. But that's a very relatable thing, you know, of like unrequited love and whatever, really loving something and it just not being returned. whatever. I have been through this scenario so many times where like I'll make a post about a guy or

I'll reference something and then they will see it because people tag them and then they reach out to me. Yeah. And then I'm thinking they want me so bad. Like genuinely they've never wanted anything more other than me like I'm a fucking vixen. Yeah. Um, not the case. It's truly like they see the check mark. They see the millions and they're like I'm fucking tapped in. Right. We start talking. It's flirty because of course it is, you know, like they're locked in. But here's my question. What the fuck do you think you're going to get from me? Right.

That's my question. Like, that's what I thought to until I went on a date with this guy that I've been talking to for a year. We met in person. Oh. Mm-hmm. I was like, this is my person. I met his sister by accident on a night out.

So you know the family? Yeah, she was like, he's from, he's from. I don't really mind airing his shit out because we went on a date. and we were one drink in. I'm going to call it a date because that's what it was fucking advertised as. It is. It is. And he told me one drink in. I'm like, da, da, da, da, da, da.

And then I'm more on this date. And he goes, oh, this is not a date. He was like, I don't want to hook up with you. And I was like, he said that to your Christian face. Yes. And I have killed myself right there. I was like, oh, oh, okay. That's crazy.

And I was like, ooh, um, okay. And then he pitched to be the producer of my podcast. And he's here right now. Wait, hold on, hold on. So, when you were... And before that, I was like, sorry. I was like, I don't care. I was like, I'm so desperate for fucking dick that I don't care what they want.

Like, just if they want me, that's good enough. No, no, no. After that, I was like, that is not it. So were y'all like flirting before that? DMs, texts. We met in person twice. And it was like, a flirty vibe. He, yeah, yes.

What the fuck? Or are we just delusional? No, but he's, but he's, said like hot to me when I was like I'm in denim on denim from the show that I was at like I need to change and he was like hot and I was like you can't say that to me you cannot say that to me I will eat it like it's fucking yeah and he's like I'm sorry if I led you on I'm like well you did and then the check came and I put my card down he goes thank you oh I would have been like I'm going to the bathroom but he can fucking pay yeah like what it was crazy I've been through that so many

times I'm not even joking where it's like I am fully like we're interested in each other and they're like, oh, I was kidding. But it's... Right, right, right, right. But it's like, oh, okay, you were kidding. Great. So I'm gonna unpack this for five more years. I'm gonna go on therapist and talk about it

in front of millions of people. Because I... And at first I was like, should I talk about it? And I was like, yeah, I'm going to. Because it was horrible. And now every guy I talked to, I'm like, does he think this is a date? And it's so hard in the gay world.

Oh my God. Because the guy... Because when you're going on a date with a guy and you're a girl, and you're like, okay, like a straight guy or whatever, assuming like this is we're on a date. But the gay world, they can easily just be like, wait, I just, we're just friends.

Right. It's such an easy cop out. It's also like, I don't understand in gay man culture what constitutes like, oh, this is boyfriend material. Right. You know, because I, especially in this fucking city, bitch, everyone just wants to fuck and like move on and it's, oh, that's my best friend.

But they're sucking each other. Yep, it's wild. How do you ever know if someone's romantically interested? It's very that with like, it's so hard for me to approach it because I think it's also this dynamic of like, there is success in this space. Yeah. For us, we've, for some reason, struck gold with like what we're doing and there's a, you know, a job to be done here.

Right. I think that people are intimidated by that regardless, but especially men because, and I'm going to from my straight man, where it's like they have to be the provider, the protector. There's like a sort of innate whatever biological. But like, what am I supposed to do? Because this is the thing I used to talk about with my therapist before I fired her. Oh, I just ghost them. No, but she was an enabler.

Really? Why'd you ghost her? Mine was TikTok famous. That is so rotten. And I was like, wait, who the fuck recommended her to? me. And she's talking to me. The only thing she told me to do was actually, I wonder if it'll go off during the session. There's an alarm that goes off every day at noon telling me to breathe. And 6 p.m. That's the only thing that she ever told me to do.

And then every day it goes off and all my friends go, breathe girl. And you're like, fuck that that bitch. Yeah, I turned it off the other day and they were like, mm-mm, girl, turn that shit back on. You better breathe. You better breathe. Oh my God, that's so funny. I bet you paid her $300 an hour. I would cancel two out of the four times a month. Oh my God. She robbed you, girl. She robbed me.

And then she'd be like, you can text. She was like, you can, the reason you're paying in so much is because you can text me whenever. And I would text her and it would be fucking green. I was like, do you have a, I was like, what the fuck you can't get an iPhone. Get a business fucking iPhone. My new therapist, I text her, it's fucking blue. I send her my outfit. She's like, girl, you look so cute.

Love, love, love. No, that old. She said she's on Mint Mobile girl. Yeah. Like, what? That $1,000 was getting her a new iPhone 14. And I would try to send her a photo. It would be like unable to receive it.

Green, bitch. It's not going to send. Oh, my God. Mine was not that. I'm actually obsessed with why is the first thing. And I understand it's a good tactic. But like the first thing is, okay, have you considered breathing? Yeah.

Yeah, bitch. Mine gave me the hot soup bowl method. What the fuck? is that. So you're actually going to cup your hands like you're holding a bowl of soup. Okay. And you're going to, that's it. I don't hate that.

It kind of gives, but. But it makes my hands feel hot. No, it makes me like, uh, I feel like that. This is so neat. Sorry. No, I'm like. That scene from Kung Fu Panda. Do you, I've never seen Kung Fu Panda.

Well, I'm about to describe it. Please. That scene from Kung Fu Panda where they are training Jack Black's Panda and he's trying to like balance or whatever. and the guy keeps smacking him with a stick. Like, that's how I feel like, she's like, breathe on the soup. And I'm like, I'm breathing in the soup. And I'm like, I like spill the soup on myself.

It's like, I will continue. Ow! Oh, fuck! What the fuck? I'm mad at her. Do you want to know what my therapist's name was? I'm going to bleep this out, but you're going to die. Please tell me.

Okay, in that vein, because here's the, okay, back to the sort of, um, unrequited love. Is this a date? No, it's never a date sort of thing. Yeah. am I delusional for entertaining these men? Because like it's clear what they want. You know what I mean?

And like when they DM me, when inevitably I get that fucking followback or whatever, it's like I'll talk to them because I like attention. Me too. And who doesn't? Who doesn't? But like at what point is it like, okay, what are we doing, girl? It's very clear what their intentions are.

And when is it too late to pull back? Right. That's how I feel too. But the only reason we feel that way is because it's just unfair because it's like, okay, well, this guy could want us. But like, based on past experiences, I don't think he does. Yeah, odds are. I don't think he does. Also, the way that the communication comes about, that's not like.

Do people ever swipe up? Like, when people like me on Hinge, they'll be like, tense up. I'm not on dating apps. Oh, I'm on every, you guess how much money I spent on dating apps this weekend? This weekend? $40. Well, can I just go ahead and level with you? I did a brand deal with a dating app

and they did not gift me premium. I bought it. 3499. Yeah. 3499 for one month. That's crazy. That's crazy. But did I put myself in Dublin Ireland?

Yeah, I did. Okay, travel. I always say I want an Irish man. I want a London boy. Galway girl. Galway fucking girl. I need an Irishman so bad. I need Paul Mascall.

I'm just going to be honest. Did you watch his chicken shop date? No. Don't. It'll ruin you. I just watched all of us strangers, though. I've never seen it. Am I gonna gag and die in shit?

My issue was with it. It was amazing. Like, I think I gave it five stars on Letterbox just to be like, hi, I agree. Like, it was like. You gotta read everyone else's reviews for you live yours. Yeah, I was like, oh, okay, you're five stars, five stars. And I agree, and I agree. Yeah, and I agree with you.

I called my mom to explain it after, and she's like, this is it. And so when I look back at it with her, what she was explaining it as, I was like, okay, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. I'm Paul Mescal is the hottest, motherfucker I've ever seen in my life. Which, it's hot in such a, like, white dude way. Yeah.

He looks like it's in the same sort of cinematic universe as Mr. Tumness, Jack Harlow. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a great comparison. But, like, he's honored. Because it's like, are you? Yeah, right. You could be.

Have you seen normal people? No. I saw it during COVID, and I forget what happens, but I think I need to watch it again because I remember looking at the girl being like, me. If you think about it, that's me. That's me without a lover. No, I need to. to see it so bad because I literally, Paul Meskell was on my radar from like, used to be engaged, Phoebe Bridgers.

Oh my God, they were engaged. Doesn't that feel crazy? It's like when Sean Mendes dated Haley Bieber. Did not know that happened. Oh my God, no, it was a moment in fucking time. They went to the Mek Gallo together. Have you seen those recent fordors of Sean Mendes? Yeah, with the toothpick.

Don't get me started. Because if my libido wasn't down because of my meds, I would not be in this room right now. I'm going to start helping the chair. If my libido wasn't shot because of my lexas. There's, oh my God, he is so fine. It's horrible. It's horrible. I'm like, why do you look this good?

I know. Sorry, that was a tangent. Paul Meskell and Andrew Scott, the fucking press they've been doing for whatever that movie is that they're in. All of us strangers. Oh. You know, no, it's the one with they're gay. Can we confirm? Yeah.

All of us strangers? Yes. Was it so sad? It was horribly sad. That, okay. That makes sense because that's what the comments have been saying, because I was like, they're having so much fun together on these, like, promo.

That's my dream, by the way, to, like film a movie and then be kicking with my actor partner on a press tour. Yep, co-star. Like Timothy and Zendaya right now. Oh, my God. There are, no, Timmy and Austin Butler are like, besties for the rest of the rest of you.

And Mrs. Florence, of course. Oh, have you seen Doom Part 2 yet? I have. How is? Genuinely, incredible movie. That's what everyone's saying. I went to the premiere and I had. Yes, you looked sick.

Thank you. You looked amazing. I saw that look. Thank you, bitch. I felt so kind. So we went to the premiere and saw the movie there. And I was like, it has been so long since I've seen a movie genuinely

that's like all the fantastic parts of what Star Wars is. You know, like it has something for everyone. I've never seen Star Wars. Friendship, okay, I'll go ahead. That's absolutely no problem at all. It's like, you know, it's action mixed with politics, mixed with friendship and romance and whatever. It's like something for everyone.

Dune had that. But like, also this is the T. Dune came out before Star Wars did. It's a book. Anywho, I think it's about time we get into to tell me what's wrong. Let's absolutely get it. And I'm so excited to do these with you. Do you know about them?

Do I need to... Go ahead, go ahead and just from the top. So the pussy's right in. Okay. And they tell us what's wrong. And then we prescribe them what anything. Well, Butrin. Well, butrin.

Are you on anything? I am on, no, I have PCOS, so I'm just on like a bunch of hormone balancing prescriptions, but I'm not on like, what are those called? Antidepressants? SSRIs, yes. Oh, I am. Period. Prozac. Hey, girl.

She's a Prozac woman. Yes. Congrats. But so we prescribed them like a pop culture remedy of sorts. Okay. Whatever you want to give them. All right. Let's get it to it.

This guy has been buying me drinks every weekend for the, oh, tell me what's wrong. This guy has been buying me drinks every weekend for the past month, but the first night we met, he told me he wanted to Mac on my box out of the blue as he was ordering me a shot, and I didn't even acknowledge it. Go ahead, read that again for me. Mac on my box.

Now, did she include a picture of this young gentleman? No, no. I wish. Can they submit photos? I want to see. the type of gentlemen that would say Mac on your box. Any straight, man. You could only hope so.

No, like, my friends, like, why does that make me jealous? I'm saying, what's the problem? What's the problem with the scenario? Like, my friend was like, this hot guy was on her at the bar, talking to her at the bar the other day. And he was gone. Like, I know. So sorry.

I'm sorry. Pretty privilege is one of the most. I'll kill you with a gun. Infuriating things. And if anyone's about to write in and be like, wait, you have pretty privilege. Like, stop. No, just don't do it. But like, I won't read it.

But like, I won't read it. Because we know. But pretty privilege, especially in the gay community, makes me want to die. And I'm like, what's happening here? We hoag. I'm like, but you're beautiful. But you're beautiful. It, it prettiness gets you so much.

They say fat flattery gets you everywhere. No, no, no, no, no. Gorgeousness. Yes. Gorgeousness. That'll do it. And I was shown the episode. I feel like everyone was shown the episode of the Twilight Zone.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I love it! It is! Were they pig masks? Yeah, see, that episode has done nothing for our culture. We need to watch that as a class. We need to all watch that again. As a class, we're going to wheel in the TV.

Instead of the presidential debate, which will be a shit show, let's watch beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Oh, my God. Okay, I prescribe you... I prescribe you boo-hoo bitch. Yeah. Okay, no, I will say this. I will say this. it is something to be said about straight men being creepy.

Yes. That's creepy and predatory and your friend who, whoever the fuck said that to her, that is creepy. And I think the only reason, at least I'm like, I want that is because I don't have any. No, we don't get that.

No. We do not get that. Right. And that's okay. And that's okay. Yep. But that is creepy. It's horrible and it honestly,

it's one of those larger discussions of like, what should I have done in that scenario? You should have told him he's a fucking gross pig. Yeah. You know, like you cannot let men get away with talking to, not even women, to people like that. Right. Because this whole society that we're sort of unlearning on, it's starting on TikTok, I think,

of like actually dismantling the way that men are allowed to behave. Right. And women have to adjust their behavior to accommodate. Yes. You know, it's always like, if he wanted to, he would. Well, why fucking doesn't he? No one taught him how to be respectful to women. So it's like, I'm, when I hear that shit, I'm like, she should have.

up and fucking beefed up and been like, genuinely who the fuck do you think you're talking to? If she wasn't into it. Right. Well, it sounds like she wasn't. Yeah, sounds like she wasn't. And it's hard in the moment though, because you're so shocked by what these men are saying. I know. Did you really just say that to me? No, been there.

Yeah. Been there. Actually, wait, no, I haven't. Sorry, why did I just lie to everyone? Someone said they went to bunch your box. Do you ever have like robotic responses? Yeah. Where you're just like, yep, same. And then you think about it. And you're like, why did I, no, it hasn't happened to me ever. Just lied.

I just lied. What's your star sign? Taurus. That's why I love you. My mom's a Taurus. What are you? A Scorpio. I don't know much about Scorpios.

They're dark. Just dark and twisted fantasy. Dark and twisted fantasy. It is your birthday in May. Yeah. What is it? May 10th. Louise.

Period. What year? I'm 97. Ew. Right here apart. I prescribe this girl maybe to stop talking to him if that comment freaked you out. I would prescribe her three lemon drop shots. Yeah, that you buy yourself.

Yes. that you buy yourself instead of him buying you. Black out and knock his ass into the wall. Ooh. Ooh, this one's going to be good. My ex broke no contact by showing up at my church. Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Help. Not even God could have prepared me for that. Not the church. No. We're dealing with Christian couples. Yeah. This is uncharted waters. Yeah.

Christian couples are some of the horniest people you'll ever meet. They are. They won't tell you that. But they'll do it behind closed doors where God isn't watching. They're finger popping each other. They're all, he's always watching, girl. I think, um, it's public domain. He's allowed to be there.

Yeah. Okay. He showed up to your church. Did he not go there with you before? Oh, okay. Right. I agree. It is creepy, though.

No, but I think maybe you're right. Sometimes it's important to break the delusion. Right. And he showed up to much, it's Sunday at 9 a.m., girl, he's here. Yeah. It's mass. It's mass. Like, it's mass.

He's there to see G. He's there with his grandma. Yeah. Gee. The JC. The JC. I prescribe to you a different church. If that really bothers you.

Yeah. I prescribe to you a... Or being comfortable, being in the same room as someone that you don't like anymore. Also, breaking no contact. Like, did he come up? I just need more context. See, sometimes the pussies don't give enough contacts. And that is something to be...

Which is okay because I operate the same. But in a case like this, we need a little bit more contact. Yeah, I'm kind of... Yeah, I'm leaning towards indifference. Right, indifference. Because right now this is between you, God, and your ex. Exactly. And it always is?

Mm-hmm. I was about to say something. I didn't know if it was offensive to the Christian community. What, let me hear it. I prescribe to you five Hail Marys. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. I prescribed to you, Andrew Scott, the hot priest from Fleabegg.

Have you ever seen Fleabag? Andrew Scott's in Fleabag? Bitch, watch Fleabck! I've never seen Fleabag. You die. I saw one episode because I was applying for an internship at Amazon Studios when I was in college. And I was like preparing for the interview. So I was watching all their originals.

No, you need to watch it all the way through. It is so fucking good. Okay, I'm game. My gay best friend of 13 years just confessed his love for me, dash Elizabeth. Can we call her? She didn't give me a number. Fuck, girl. That is.

That's a TV show. That's a TV show. Holy shit. Because like, I, like, she must feel so, like, oh my God, you've been my gay best friend for 13 years. Elizabeth, God, I don't know what to prescribe to you. That is so, look, buy men exist. That's very real, but that is awkward as fuck.

That is awkward, and it's also like, I do think that you can still be friends. Yeah, I do too. Just be like. You know, I don't feel that way about you. Yeah. And if he takes it weird, then. Take it from there. Hope this helps.

I just found out that one of the football coaches, 22 years old, and one of the, oh, this doesn't sound legal, when one of the players 18 years old are secretly hooking up, they're really hot, so should I tell someone about it or try to join them? Wait, one of the who and the who? I just found out that one of the football coaches, 22 years old and one of the players 18 years old, oh, this is my literal fantasy, are secretly hooking up. They're really hot, so should I tell someone about it or try to join them? Join them.

Yeah, I would join them. Girl, this is a Wapad fan fiction. And I guess that's legal. 22 and 18, that's legal. It's legal. It's just fucking gross. Yeah, but I would join. I mean, I lost my virginity to a 39-year-old.

I think that that is a lot of the explanation of your drama. Yeah. Was it a teacher? No, it was someone I met on Grindr. And I didn't eat for 24 hours. And I got there and I was like, this is happening. And then I asked for a cigarette after he goes, did you just ask me for a cigarette so you could say you had a cigarette after sacks?

Were you 18? I was 21. Wait, yep, I was 21. That is so period. Yeah, it was kind of sick. I won't lie. And then I got home and listened to the justice album by Justin Bieber for three hours. Because it came out that night.

What do I prescribe to this football love story? I prescribe maybe an episode of Friday Night Lights. Episode of Friday Night Lights or what's that? All-American. Hillary Duff movie with Chad Michael Moray. Cinderella Story? Cinderella Story. Cinderella story.

Best movie ever. I would agree. Ever. And not the, well, the remake with Selena is. The music eats. The music eats. Which one is Jennifer Coolidge in?

Hillary. Hillary. Oh, I love Jennifer Coolidge. She's such a fucking bitch in that movie. Yeah. She's awesome. Yeah.

It's awesome. Yeah. I love her. Have you met her? I've never met her. I'm dying to meet her. It's going to happen for you. Oh, I hope.

Me and my, oh, this one I can answer. Me and my friend got into a huge fight and I got so mad. Oh my God. I fucked her boyfriend while she was out of town. He's now asking to hang out with me again, but I don't know what should I do. That's not your best friend, girl. And you're not a good friend.

Your followers are crazy. Jesus. My best friend fucked on me, so I killed her baby daddy and then I'm... What? She got so mad at her friend that she fucked her boyfriend. That is evil. That's venomous.

That's sinister. I prescribe to you. I like almost like, I don't know what advice to give you. I think you maybe have like some anger management you need to work out. I think you need to be institutionalized. That's wrong. You need to learn what it means to be a friend.

Why would that be your knee-jerk reaction to? You piss me off. Fuck her boyfriend. Well, I guess I have to suck him off. This you love me no choice. Oh, that's great. You need to be in an institution. I prescribe euphoria, especially when Cassie.

Yep. Especially when Cassie fucks Maddie's boyfriend because what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Ooh. This guy I've been talking to for over a year hasn't taken me on a date yet. He doesn't want you. No, is this me? Did I write this then?

Did I write this in? Well, girl, don't go on that date. Don't go on that date. I'm telling you right now, do not go on that date because if you wanted to, he fucking would. He does not want you. When I went on that date with that guy who had been talking to for a year, I was damn right. He did not want me. They never do.

They never do. I prescribed to you a new guy. Next. Yes. I've got a few more pussies. My ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend won't stop posting TikToks of them, and it makes me want to die, please help, I feel sick. Block her.

Block them. The fuck? Block her. That's a very simple solution. That is a form of self-harm. Can we be totally honest? Yes, it is. When you keep checking someone's location, their account, or whatever, that's a form of self-harm. Fucking block them.

Agreed. I prescribe a block. I think that's a one and dumb. Sunblock. I'm talking to and hooking up with a cute college soccer player. Love. He is so nice, but the sex is terrible. I never go for the nice guys.

So do I keep giving it a shot or cut my losses? I don't know. I mean, I think sex can change, but personalities can. Absolutely. If you like the young gentleman, you can teach him how to fuck. I agree. Every, I agree. You remember that trend on TikTok that was like when a man pulls out some crazy sex move and it's like someone's cooked here.

Yeah. Someone taught him how to do that. They don't know how to do that on their own. Exactly. Someone hasn't cooked there, evidently. No. You cannot change a person's character. No.

But you can change a person's athleticism. A hundred percent. Endurance. Endurance. So stick with it. If he's nice, I prescribe to you, she's the man. With Amanda Bines. I prescribe to you, she's the man and gas station dick pills.

Okay. Okay. Like horny goat weed? Horney goat weed, rhino dick pills. Right. Yes. I prescribe she's the man because they like fuck on a soccer team. Love.

Or maybe bend it like Beckham. Ooh, these are great movies. I love Bennett, like Becca. Okay, this is, oh, we have two more. Ooh, ooh, oh. I'm falling out of love with my boyfriend. Like, these are so hard for me to read because I'm so bitter and dumb that you have a boyfriend.

Yeah, like, oh, fuck. Fuck you, girl. Yeah, like, damn. Fuck you and your boyfriend. I'm falling out of love with my boyfriend and I have no idea what to do. I can't imagine life without him, but it's just not the same anymore.

I prescribe some, you got to leave him and grow. you got to have roots before branches girl i prescribe developing a severe substance abuse issue okay to what to what you could weed is a good gateway just like really become a stoner really become just like a shell of who you are yeah then maybe some uppers louise they go should i smoke before there's louise goes it's nine 30 a m mama the sun's not up nope the sun is not up do not have to do you smoke i do edibles and they give me memory loss that explains why i have so much It's trouble memorizing my lines. That'll do it.

That'll do it. Fucking brain rot, girl. So you prescribe a substance abuse. I prescribe uppers. Ubers, yep. Hope this helps. I prescribe to you, and this is the 10th time I'll prescribe this. Season one of girls.

Adam Driver. Marnie and her boyfriend. Where she has fallen out of love with him entirely, but she can't imagine life without him, and she needs to leave him to grow on her own. So I prescribe to you season one of girls, and I also prescribe to you the movie Someone Great. Have you ever seen that movie?

I've never. I was going to prescribe but he's just not that into you. Oh, okay, or that. But she's not that into him. Right. Can't help you. Okay, last one, pussies.

Okay. I hooked up with this guy last night who left because he said he was hanging out with his friends. I found out this morning he was actually with a girl. Next. Buy a gun.

Yeah, a gun. And kill him. That's horrible. And I've known guys who have done that before. I've known guys who have literally, oh my God, this is like lore. When I had just graduated college and I was living in Dallas and working this like horrible job, I was on dating apps because of course I was. And I hooked up with this guy and he came to my house, which first of all should never have done that.

He came to my house literally nutted and was like, I forgot I have something. No. Left. Like my pants were off. You want to hear something fucking crazy? Go ahead. Okay. I went to this.

This guy was talking to one hand. I was so cute. I was like looking at his family home. Like, Yeah, it's so mean. Like his dad's a dentist. Yes, I actually know everything about him. I know his parents' phone numbers.

And then he was like, you should come over. I was like, that's so weird. It's 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. Like, And I will. I will. I will come over.

So I went over. I sucked his dick. And then he was like, uh, you got to leave. I'm busy. And then I had to call my grandma and wish her happy birthday.

Well, I had stuff all up on me. She was like, thanks, Jake. I'm like, yeah, happy birthday, grandma. You had, oh my God, do you remember that episode of the Kardashians when Chloe goes to the dentist and there's a pub in her molar? No. No.

She's been sucking so much. No. That was you, girl. That was me, but you want to hear the catch? Go ahead. It's a year later. And I'm working. I'm interning at the record label.

Yep. And they're like, we've signed a new act. I'm like, amazing. They're like, we're meeting the team today. I open up the Zoom to his lovely face. I was like, so what do I prescribe you, girl? I guess a gun. A gun. Unless you are actually going to use it, do not take that advice legally.

Do not do that. And that was a joke. And that was a joke. We are, again, comedians. Comedians. I prescribe to you, what's a movie about like a, oh, I prescribe to. You love to prescribe media. Oh, bridesmaids because Chris and wig is fucking John Hamm and he treats her like shit and he's not the one for her. Real, real, real, real, real. Also, alternatively Devil Wars Prada. My favorite movie of all time and you're wearing a Stanley 2 shirt. And I figured when you said that, I was like, it's either burlesque or Devil Wars Prada. I've never seen burlesque. Girl, get the fuck. Should I watch it on the plane tonight?

Yes. Stanley Tucci's star roll. He's amazing. Oh, I almost just vomited. He is like, It's just a little baby puke. Happens. He's the gayest straight man I've ever seen.

He's straight? Yes, girl, he's married to Emily Blunt's sister. That is the most kismet moment I've ever heard. I know. That's amazing. I love him. He makes little recipes on TikTok and I follow every single one. Oh, I'm following.

Yep. Oh, I'm following him. Okay, so Brittany, what did we learn today? What we learned today is that if you're ever going through a crisis, apparently you just need to watch a movie. Yeah. That's kind of what you prescribe. Yeah.

And mine is you need to turn to bills. Gun or drugs. You need to get contraband now. Yeah. Gun and drugs. And IV. And IDs. And God. God, well, God is the absolute last resort.

Yes. Okay. That'll do it. That is what we learned. Well, Brittany, thank you so much for coming. by the therapist office. I've never had so much fun. I'm healed. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you. You know what I made this better? What? If Brooke was right here. My dream blunt rotation. I genuinely mean this. Me too. Wait, let's, let's do that.

I would love. Either on yours or hers or mine. Let's do it. Done. A little binkies. A little binkies. A little binkie and puss. Pussies. Pussies. I love you. Oh, give them a little bye pussies. I love you guys. I'll see you next week. Tense up, put your tents up, tense up.