There Are No Girls on the Internet - Is social media ruining the holidays for women?

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

From pressure to create the perfect holiday scene for family, or the most over-the-top instagram post for “the internet,” the holidays can be a stressful time. As usual,  gendered labor like cooking, presents, and kin-making most often falls to women and moms. Social media companies love to monetize our anxieties in order to sell stuff, and the holidays are no exception, but social media can also help us feel connected and learn tips like how to set boundaries around gift giving. Bridget talks with three women about how, and with whom, they navigate the holidays online.    The Kardashian’s over the top Easter: https://www.tiktok.com/@plantawhisperer/video/7087734906087853354?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1 An Elf breakfast: https://twitter.com/OnPunsnNeedles/status/1600905934678548480 The Gendering of Holiday Labor: https://daily.jstor.org/the-gendering-of-holiday-labor/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Another podcast from some SNL, late-night comedy guy, not quite. Unhumor me with Robert Smygel and friends. Me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier. This week, my guest, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer, Streeter Seidel, help an a cappella band with their between songs banter.

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844-844-I-Hart. Life is full of hurdles. So how do you keep going? On Hurtle with Emily Abadi, we're talking with the most inspiring women in sports and wellness from professional athletes, and Olympic champions about the challenges that shape them and the mindset that keeps them moving forward. At our level, at this scale, being able to fail in front of the entire world. Like, I can do anything. I can do anything. Listen to Hurtle with Emily Abadi on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of IHeart Women's Sports. There Are No Girls on the Internet is a production of IHeart Radio and Unbossed Creative. I'm Bridget Todd, and this is There Are No Girls on the Internet. Snow is falling, bells are ringing. Yep, it's the holiday season. And I wanted to do a special holiday-themed episode exploring a thesis that I have had in my head for a while now.

Social media is making the holidays worse for everyone, especially for women. Now, I'm not 100% certain about where I stand on this? So in this episode, we'll be looking at some research and we'll also be hearing from three women about their thoughts about the holiday season. So I first got a bee in my bonnet about social media's impact on the holidays, not about Christmas, but it was actually from last

year's Easter season. You know, I don't think of Easter as a holiday where there is a ton of pressure to, like, go big, even if you have kids. It's traditionally, I think, been a fairly straightforward holiday celebration. You know, you get one of those egg kits from the grocery store. Maybe you do an Easter basket. If you're really trying to go all out, maybe somebody dresses like an Easter bunny and surprises the kids. But you wouldn't know any of that from the photos that the Kardashian family posted from their Easter celebration on social media. It was predictably very over the top. I'll link to a photo of it in the show notes because it really needs to be seen to be understood, but the display is beyond opulent.

They've got four pink cruiser bikes lined up in a row. Several massive Easter baskets filled to the brim with candy and toys. Personalized chocolate eggs the size of your head as dinner table place settings. four hot pink, full-size gumball machines. Now, obviously, we're talking about the Kardashians here, and they're a family that I don't really think is known for being understated. And, of course, they are fabulously, famously very wealthy, so obviously they can afford such a lavish display.

But when they posted it to social media, I think they were probably expecting the usual ooze and ahs from onlookers. But the response was really more like, Eh, eh. One TikToker responded saying, quote, the people and the planet need a cultural shift

of the way that we think of consumption. At what point will we not post hyperconsumption? And this TikToker wasn't alone. I actually think the response to the Kardashian Easter video shows that maybe we're at a point where we're asking some questions about these digital displays

that just scream, buy, buy, buy. And instead of being impressed by opulent over-the-top displays for the holidays, I think people are just kind of over them. Or at least, being honest about the way they make us feel. Particularly during a time of economic instability and uncertainty, I think opening up a social media app and seeing opulent displays just hits differently. And so I think when it comes to holidays like Christmas,

social media can add pressure to overconsume, overplan, over buy. A burden that falls mostly on women. Like if you're not planning out and posting a cute picture of your whole family decked out and matching reindeer pajamas. You're doing the holiday season wrong. Or if you don't have that picture perfect tree full of gifts, you're doing it wrong. Or if you don't spend the holiday season with family at all, or don't celebrate them at all, you're doing it wrong.

Now, none of this is really all that new. When I was a kid, folks would take Christmas family pictures down at the JC Penny and maybe do a holiday family update letter or Christmas card. And just like on social media today, it was meant to be a highlight reel of the family, not really a warts and all accurate accounting of the year everyone actually had. And while those cards and letters would go to a hand-selected batch of friends and family, the addition of social media means that now it's algorithms and platforms deciding how and to whom that content is served up to. And because we're talking about social media here,

that means that the more excessive and over-the-top the content, the better that content performs. Dr. Steve Rath-J is a psychology researcher at NYU. you. He wanted to answer the question, why do influencers who show themselves making iced coffee on social media always use so much coffee, like more iced coffee than you would ever want to drink in one sitting? What his research found is really telling. He found that on social media platforms, content that is, quote, excessive, extreme, or intense is most likely to go viral, and that even though most people are aware that this is the kind of content that goes viral on social media platforms, we don't actually want that to be the case. In our own,

other words, as Dr. Rathchae puts it, we might not actually want to watch people making elaborate excessive iced coffees, but we find that when they do, we can't look away. And this leads social media companies to prioritize content that might be good at capturing our attention, but that we don't actually want to see and doesn't always leave us feeling so good about ourselves. So now, apply all of this to the holiday content that we see on social media. Algorithms and platforms amplify excessive displays of holiday cheer, that massive, perfectly decorated tree overflowing with gifts, the ornate tablescape that looks like it's something out of a magazine that probably took hours to set up. And also, is it just me or are some of the holiday displays?

Not just getting more over the top, but also just getting weirder. I saw a holiday display themed around the movie elf. If you've seen Elf, you know that Will Ferrell is half Elf, and that his favorite elf meal is spaghetti topped with syrup and candy rather than spaghetti sauce. So in this social media photo, someone took a photo of different colored spaghetti oozing out of these three big pots all over their stove and onto the floor, decorated with marshmallows and candy. Again, I'll link to the photo in the show notes because it needs to be seen to be understood. And honestly, it seems like the only reason someone would do something like this is because the excessive nature of the photo pretty much guarantees that it'll get traction on social media. But would anyone actually ever do that in real life, if not simply to take a viral photo for the gram? Platforms prioritize this content, so we see more of it. And I think it creates a cycle

where these excessive displays are normalized, and then they become the normal way to do the holidays. I don't feel like I need to tell y'all. Social media makes it so easy to compare our holidays with the holidays of other people. Here's how Megan, a mom of two in Washington, D.C., explains it. I'm Megan and I live in Washington, D.C., with my husband and our two young children ages five and two. Of course, social media invites comparisons. That's why we're all on it, right? That's why we post on it is so that other people will like it and that we will feel good when other people like and comments on our posts. And I'll be the first to admit that I really enjoy the validation that I get when I post a cute craft that my kids do on social media or a really nice picture of my family. I like that affirmation. And I think that everyone does.

I feel really lucky in some ways that I'm not Christian and my family doesn't celebrate Christmas because I do feel like Christmas is a very pressure cooker kind of situation for a lot of families and moms in particular. And by virtue of the fact that we don't celebrate Christmas, I am a little bit absolved of that. And I very much feel like it allows me to enjoy the holidays that I do celebrate in the wintertime or fall in winter a little bit more because I'm not sort of anxious about what does my Christmas posting going to look like. This is also a gender issue because if you're a parent and you're a woman raising a child with a man, all of this excessive holiday cheer is really just mom work. So the normalization of this need to create excessive holiday displays aren't creating. by elves or pixies or don't just appear via the power of Christmas magic, it really just falls on moms and makes additional labor for them. Christmas cheer is really the labor of a probably very tired mom.

Here's Megan again. I don't want to speak universally for all moms, but I will say that personally as a mom or in my role as mom, I definitely feel like I take on more of the burden of making holiday times special and fulfilling traditions or following through on different ideas to make the holiday time special that I've either seen on social media or that I've seen friends and family do that I want to emulate. I guess you could call it a burden, except that it's something that I feel like I'm choosing to do and choosing to take the lead on.

But it absolutely is, I think, something more unique to women and just the nature of the conversations that they're having. that, you know, it does kind of become more that invisible mental load for women because, you know, it's like at Thanksgiving, a lot of the moms are sitting around talking about what toys their kids are playing with, what size clothes the kids are in now, you know, oh, this is what their friends are into. And I just don't know that the dads are having that same kind of conversation. So then when it comes to gift giving, you know, moms are in more of the position to, you know, be seeking out those gifts because they know what the kids in the family are into or they, you know, they've been paying attention and it's sort of just part of the discourse

among moms, I think to talk about their kids in different ways. And of course, those traditional gender roles are there too, where mom is the person that gets included on the, you know, cousin gift swap or mom is the only one whose email address is getting the, you know, class list from the school about, you know, what we're supposed to do for teacher gifts, or they're the ones being reached out to by aftercare about XYZ. You know, it's just, It doesn't matter if you put both parents' names on it. More often than not, mom is the only one who gets emailed or is the one who gets called. And so it sort of defaults to that position of putting mom in the driver's seat around a lot of child-rearing decision-making

and that invisible mental load around your kids. And that's even more true, I think, around the holidays. There is a fascinating article that breaks all of this down called The Gendering of Holiday Labor. basically they found that in heterosexual relationships, women still do the bulk of the domestic labor, and that labor multiplies during the holidays. And that even if tasks and labor are split between parents, women still take on the role of the worrier

or the person who really feels the emotional burden and weight of whether or not tasks are getting done around the house. When it comes to what's known as kinkeeping or the social role that women usually take on of promoting and protecting relationships between family members, women are basically doing it all. In a 2017 study on kinkeepers, Dr. Don O. Braithwaith, who studies personal and family relationships at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, 91% of self-identified family kinkeepers are women.

Dr. Brathweiss writes, quote, For women who are already stretched thin during the holidays, as so many of these activities converge at once, kinkeepers would likely to be stretched even more. And think about it. Like moms have already had a pretty tough go of it. A lot of the consequences that we're still dealing with from the pandemic were just meant to be absorbed by moms picking up the slack with very little institutional help or support.

And when you layer on the pressures of social media, the work of kinkeepers can become even more fraught. Let's take a quick break. Another podcast from some SNL late-night comedy guy, not quite. Unhumor me with Robert Smygel and friends. me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier. This week, my guest, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer Streeter Seidel,

help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter. Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and friends on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Run a business and not thinking about podcasting, think again. More Americans listen to podcasts than

ad-supported streaming music from Spotify and Pandora. And as the number one podcaster, IHeart's twice as large as the next two combined. So whatever your customers listen to, they'll hear your message. Plus, only IHeart can extend your message to audiences across broadcast radio. Think IHart. Streaming, radio, and podcasting. Call 844-I-Hart to get started. That's 844-844-I-Hart. Last night, a blown call changed a game. This morning, the internet lost its mind. Highlights are trending, opinions are flying, and nobody's telling you exactly what happened. That's where Sports Slice comes in. I'm Timbo. Every episode, we're cutting through the noise, breaking down the plays, the controversies, and the stories behind the headlines. We go straight

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We feel extra pressure to share our families and homes during the holiday season, which can just kind of be a bummer if you're already feeling burdened by, I don't know, everything else happening around us? Michelle Janning, a sociologist and professor at Whitman College, studies how contemporary families define themselves through domestic objects, and she said that this stress can add to women feeling even more burnt out, burden, and stressed emotionally. Quote, if you add that the holidays are a difficult time emotionally for many people,

it makes a lot of sense for me to believe that the difficulty of this season emotionally is heightened. And if you have groups with different stress levels, it's heightened for women. The piece is fascinating. We'll link to it in the show notes, but it goes on to say that even if you enjoy holiday merrymaking, like decorating and buying gifts and cooking, the enjoyment or gratification that you get from it can end up being combined with stress.

But that because we really might genuinely enjoy doing this work for our families because it can give us a sense of accomplishment or be an act of service or care a way to show our family that we love them, but that can get all mixed up with the social and societal obligations, which, again, are often gendered. Stephanie Coontz, Director of Research and Public Education for the nonprofit group Council on Contemporary Families, adds, quote, it is real emotional work and the pleasure is accompanied by much more stress than men feel.

There's a pressure, she explains, that comes with the tremendous weight of 150 years of being told that this is our special skill as women, our special contribution to family life and community life, which can be very gratifying. And it's also why women hold on to it very often. So I want to be clear. I don't want to suggest that no mom out there is doing holiday domestic labor purely because she genuinely loves and enjoys it. But the added pressure of societal or social obligation, which I think social media amplifies, can really take the fun out of a task that would otherwise be enjoyable. And people just want to provide fulfilling happy holidays for their families.

Here's how another mom explained it to me. My name's Michelle. I'm married with two young kids. a six-year-old boy and a two-and-a-half-year-old girl. We celebrate Christmas. The holiday season and the preparation entails seems to change every year with young children because you pass through various phases of them having no idea what's going on, and then they start to get really into it and start asking questions about Santa and all that's involved in that. And you're trying to do it right and not be flat out lying to your kids, but also still allowing it to be exciting.

I don't think that social media has too much of an effect on the expectations that I'm setting for myself around the holidays. The pressure I feel comes, I think, more from trying to keep up certain family traditions and make it all as magical and exciting for my kids as my parents made it for myself and my brother. I do think that moms really bear the brunt of the holiday work and speaking for my own family, both growing up and the family I have created, mom is definitely the one doing the vast majority of it. And I can certainly see how moms could see the things that others are posting on social media about their holiday celebrations and feel like they are not doing enough in comparison. According to the authors of the

article, The Gendering of Holiday Labor, basically, even if this labor is sometimes stressful, women can still feel the need to do it because of this gatekeeper role that we sometimes adopt. You know, even if the work is stressful or anxiety-inducing, we may still want to be recognized as the person who is in charge of giving people a good Christmas. And this tension can really be heightened around the holidays. What's also kind of interesting is that the article goes on to say that things are different when it comes to same-sex couples who generally tend to carry out housework and domestic labor more evenly. The real unevenness is in heterosexual couples, Stephanie Coon,

says. So add in social media pressure to what is supposed to be a fun holiday season, and I think it can just kind of end up feeling like extra work, stress, and obligations for moms in particular. And honestly, it's not just moms. I also think that social media can create a lot of pressure for people who are not married and don't have kids, or people who have non-traditional holidays celebrations, or don't celebrate the holidays at all. More after a quick break. Another podcast from some SNL late-night comedy guy, not quite, unhumor me, with Robert Smygel and friends, me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier. This week, my guest, S&L's Mikey Day and head writer, Streeter Seidel,

help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter. Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and Friends on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Run a business and not thinking about podcasting. Think again. More America. Can you listen to podcasts, then ads supported streaming music from Spotify and Pandora. And as the number one podcaster, IHearts twice as large as the next two combined. So whatever your customers listen to, they'll hear your message. Plus, only IHeart can extend your message to audiences across broadcast radio.

Think podcasting can help your business. Think IHart. Streaming, radio, and podcasting. Let us show you at IHeartadvertising.com. That's IHeartadvertising.com. Last night, a blown call changed a game. This morning, the internet lost its mind. Highlights are trending, opinions are flying, and nobody's telling you exactly what happened.

That's where Sports Slice comes in. I'm Timbo. Every episode, we're cutting through the noise. Breaking down the plays, the controversies, and the stories behind the headlines. We go straight to the source, the athletes themselves. Their locker room stories, their reactions, the stuff nobody gets to hear. The laughs, the drama, the triumphs, the moments that never make the highlight real. From viral moments to historic games, from buzzer beaters to controversial,

calls, we break it down, give you context, and ask the questions everybody wants answered. Sports Slice brings you closer to the action with stories told by the people who live them. Listen to SportsSlice on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. And for more, follow Timbo Slicelife-Life 12 and the TikTok podcast network on TikTok. Let's get right back into it. Social media tricks us into thinking that there is one right way to do the holiday season. But in reality, there are so many valid ways to celebrate. or not celebrate. In my own holiday experience, you know, my family doesn't really celebrate Christmas

in a traditional sense. We used to when I was a kid, we did the tree and the presents and all of that, but as we got older, we just kind of stopped. My dad is disabled and my mom dedicates a lot of her time to his care on top of working, and it just became too much. And if I'm being honest, I used to kind of resent it and feel a little bit left out when I would be scrolling social media and seeing all my friends with their families in matching holiday pajamas or with their parents doing special holiday traditions. But as an adult,

I can really understand why taking on the extra labor of holiday magic making for their adult children is just no longer on the table for my parents. Also, like a lot of queer people, I, too, really value my chosen family and friends and people who are not my actual family, but that feel like family,

you know, hold the role of family in my life. And sometimes scrolling social media during the holidays can make it feel like that doesn't really count. Like the holidays are somehow less special if they're not spent with actual family. I am not alone in this. Here's Allison, a queer woman living in Chicago who's in her 30s. I also see lots of photos on Instagram of people I used to go out with in matching pajamas with their new significant other. And when I see this, it's like, okay, I get it. officially moved on and the pajamas are communicating what you want them to.

Separately, I love how people, myself included, are celebrating with friends or doing something more low-key on the holidays. And it's interesting how, as that gets normalized, now I see advertisements glorifying the anti-traditional celebrations as well. The bottom line is that everyone deserves to feel good during the holidays, whether you're a mom, single, in a relationship, whatever. And I hate that social media platforms are profiting off of us feeling like crap, comparing our holidays to each other, or stressing ourselves out to create the most perfect holiday season,

even if we don't really have it in us to do. It just feels like yet another way that our negative feelings are stoked and then monetized by tech billionaires, many of whom, let's be real, already belong on Santa's Noddy list. So what do we do? How do we combat this? Megan, our mom in D.C., says that she actually curates her social media feed to reinforce the kind of mom that she wants to be, and that social media can actually be a help to her this time of year. I think holidays are a very stressful time for parents in lots of different ways,

partly because you're trying to create a sort of magical experience for your kids and you want them to be having fun and you want to be having fun as a parent. And also, because there's all these extra stressors like your kids being out of school for extended stretches of time or off their normal routine, there's lots of different food, you know, not their normal meal schedule or their things that they normally eat, they're seeing lots of different people that they don't see as often. And that might, you know, cause lots of emotions and different feelings for both you and your kids. And so there's just a lot of stress coming from lots of different angles. It's a very expensive time of year. There's lots of activities going on. So to be honest, I actually find social media to be a really, really valuable resource during the holidays and year-round, partly because I follow, I choose to follow a lot of social media accounts, particularly on Instagram, who are, I guess, parent influencers whose parenting philosophy aligns with my own and who present a lot of different activities and ideas, tips and scripts and ways that you can, you know, prep your kids and engage with your kids and talk to your extended family and set boundaries with, you know, for yourself and for your kids and teach them to set boundaries and be grateful and be gracious. All those things, like I find really, really valuable and I choose not to follow people on social media who don't reinforce the kind of parent that I want to be or the kind of parenting that I want to implement in my own family, whether that's people that I know, friends or family or professionals, like professional influencers, whoever it is, I choose to only follow people that support and endorse and reinforce the kind of parent that. I want to be or that I aspire to be. So I think that social media for me is really,

really helpful. It gives me a lot of great ideas about different things to do and ways to engage. And I'm very grateful for the parent influencers who make up that sort of community of people that I find to be role models. And I think that a lot of other people who follow them also feel that way. So don't let algorithms decide what kind of content you want to see this time of year. Instead, curate your social media feed to feel like it reinforces the kind of parent that you're actually interested in being. I would also add, be gentle with yourself. You know, if you didn't have it in you to go all out this holiday, that is A-OK. Whether it was too stressful, too expensive, it's okay to play it a little smaller,

even if platforms are only rewarding and amplifying and showing you the opulent and the excessive. It doesn't have to be opulent and excessive to be good or meaningful. I would also question and resist the need to overconsume, especially given that we're in this place of economic uncertainty, having a lower-key Christmas is just fine. Giving heartfelt gifts over buying the newest flashy item is a-okay. Your kids can still have a meaningful Christmas, even if the tree is not overflowing with gifts.

And remember, whatever you do this holiday season is valid. So if you're staying home alone, and watching lifetime movies with your cats in your apartment, good for you. If you're going camping with your friends, good for you. If you're feeling sad or emotional because you've lost your parents or maybe don't even have a relationship with your living parents. If you're feeling sad or emotional or grieving the fact that you've lost your parents, or maybe that you don't really have a relationship with your family in the first place,

don't make social media make you feel like your experience is only valid if it looks a certain way. And one last tip, if you're a parent doing the holidays this season, work toward a balance Division of Labor. According to Daniel L. Carson, an assistant professor in the Department of Family and Consumer Studies at the University of Utah, couples are happier when the perceived breakdown is viewed as more equitable. And another reason to make sure the division of labor is equitable in your family is that his research also shows that couples have more satisfying sex lives when the division of labor is more equitable. So this might even help you get your ho-ho-ho on this holiday season as well. Sorry, y'all, I had to. I want to hear from you all. Are you a parent who is so stressed out doing the holidays for your kid this season? Are you a parent who loves doing the holidays and gets nothing but fulfillment and joy out of it? Are you someone who is not really that excited about the holidays?

Are you doing something non-traditional? I want to hear about it. Hit me up at hello at tangoity.com and let us know if you're making this holiday season, Mary and Bright. Got a story about an interesting thing in tech or just want to say hi? You can reach us at hello at tangoadhi.com. You can also find transcripts for today's episode at tangoity.com. There are no girls on the internet was created by me, Bridget Todd. It's a production of IHeartRadio and Unbossed Creative.

Jonathan Strickland is our executive producer. Tarry Harrison is our producer and sound engineer. Michael Amato is our contributing producer. I'm your host, Bridget Todd. If you want to help us grow, write and review us on Apple Podcasts. For more podcasts from IHeartRadio, check out the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Other podcasts from some SNL, late-night comedy guide, not quote. White, Unhumor Me with Robert Smygel and Friends, me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier.

This week, my guest, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer, Streeter Seidel, help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter. Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and Friends on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Life is full of hurdles. So how do you keep going? On Hurtle with Emily Abadi, we're talking with the most inspiring women in sports and wellness from professional athletes, coaches, and Olympic champions about the challenges that shape them and the mindset that keeps them moving forward.

At our level, at this scale, being able to fail in front of the entire world. Like, I can do anything. I can do anything. Listen to Hurtle with Emily Abadi on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of IHeart Women's Sports. Last night, a blown call changed a game. This morning, the internet lost its mind. And nobody's telling you exactly what happened.

That's where SportsSlice comes in. I'm Timbo. And every episode, we're cutting through the noise, breaking down the biggest moments in sports and giving you the real story behind the headline. And we're going straight to the source, the athletes themselves. Their locker room stories, their reactions in the moment, and the stuff nobody gets to hear. Listen to Sports Slice on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcast. And for more, follow Timbo Slica Life 12 in the TikTok podcast network on TikTok. This is an IHeart podcast, guaranteed human.