These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Embracing the Power of 'No': Sheryl Green's Insights on Boundaries and Self-Care | Season 3 Episode 3

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Send us a Text Message.Ever found yourself uttering 'yes' when every fiber of your being screams 'no'? Buckle up for a riotous yet soul-stirring ride on "These Fucking Feelings," where my colleagues Crystal, our new co-host, and I, Micah, link arms with the indomitable Sheryl Green. We reckon with the art of setting boundaries and the liberation that comes with the tiny, powerful word 'no,' as Sheryl unfurls insights from her groundbreaking book, "You Had Me at No." It's a chapter in life tha...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up, my people? Welcome to an episode of These Fucking Feelings Podcast. I almost said the wrong name right, but I'm gonna explain why. We have two podcasts. So we have a sister podcast, Trauma is Expensive. So I almost said that name.

But okay, but this is These Fucking Feelings Podcast. And I am Micah. I have Crystal here with me, producer and our new co-host. She's stepping up a little bit. Now let's see if we can get her to ask Cheryl a question. So we got her in front of the camera, Cheryl. Now we just got to get her to talk, okay? And our special guest today is Cheryl Green.

Now, Cheryl, I could go through like this whole introduction and try to introduce you. But like we believe here, your story is your story. And we want you to give it to our followers, our audience, if you don't mind. Just tell us a little bit about yourself. Awesome. Yeah. So first, thanks for having me on the show. I'm excited. I am a mental health speaker and an author. I've got six books published, including one coloring book. And my latest, it's super fun. My latest one is called You Had Me At No, How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity.

And it's 40 plus years in the making of having to learn those lessons. What else do you need to know about me? I just got married this past March. And thank you. And I have two amazing rescue dogs. And one of them is probably going to snore at some point during this episode. And I have 130 plus houseplants.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. It's in my office. Michael bought it for me. I've kept it alive this long. Every morning, I go in and I kiss it. I'm like, good morning. I think that's why it's alive.

It can do well. Plants need love too. If you bought a plant that can't be killed, I knew who i was getting into like do not ask crystal to come house uh house sit your plants i'm like water that's a question because you got over 130 something house plants like when we travel do people come water your plants for you is that like a real thing so they usually last for about a week without being watered so if we are gone

longer than that i do actually have a plant friend who will come over and take care of them um because my plant my pet sitter doesn't necessarily need to touch plants right so yeah we've got we've got special care for them. Yeah. My mom has plants and she keeps ordering them. So just for the audience, I always make sure I put out this disclaimer. My mama lives with me. Okay. I don't live with my mama. I pay the bills. So let's just point that out. I'm not a scrub, okay? So, but I love my mama. She's my best friend. But she was gone last week.

She had to be in New York City for something. And when she was coming home, we were driving home, and she was like, did you order the plants? And I'm like, no, no. I saw them. I looked at them. They looked like they was all right. So, now, I saw I looked at them they looked at the tables alright so now

let's get into this your book so it is say it again oh my god it's good so it's you had me at no

how setting healthy boundaries helps banish burnout repair relationships and save your sanity see now like I need all that so i like so but okay so you had me at no is that learning how to say no it is um so it's it's the it's everything around it it's the benefits of saying no. It's what that like the doors that that opens up for you. And it's really the importance of knowing that it's okay to.

And I always like go back to, you know, everybody's heard that old adage, like no is a complete sentence. And yeah, I mean, it's true. It is a complete sentence grammatically yes all good um but the problem is so many of us dealing with boundary issues we don't know that we can actually say no we don't know that we have permission and the right to say no and without that that's just like a you know fluffy bullshit kind of you know happyism definitely well you know i was here i was yes i was yes yes yes to everything and then this year 2024 i said it was gonna be my no year right because unfortunately i was re-diagnosed with cancer and i feel like i i

wasn't taking care of myself because i was so busy taking care of other people that I let this bastard come back into my life when I thought we broke up a long time ago. You know, so now it's like 2024 is my year of no. But I don't know what that means yet. You know, it's like I know that I need to say no to a lot of things. I need to stop overextending myself in so many ways but it's still very hard for me to see people struggle in any kind of way so i'm like a person that helps people out monetarily emotionally physically you know i i don't don't ask me no kids though. I draw the line of kids. But you know, it was like, everybody came to me for everything.

It's, it's, you know, like people say, Hey, talk about plants. I was pouring water into so many people, but nobody was giving me water. I like that. Yeah. So then I started to realize like now here I am and I'm sick and people are still asking for water and it's like, hello, I can't, I'm sick and people are still asking for water and it's like hello I can't I'm sick like I need to I need my water right I need to focus on me and and this you're seeing me in a good day because I had so I had cancer um I was about to come up on my fourth year in remission on Valentine's Day and And in December, I was told that it was back. So it was a really, really, like, I'm so close to that five year mark and, you know,

thinking about cancer and they're like, hey, it's back. So it's like, it caused a lot of rock bottoms, you know, even to the point, like, I feel like I brought it on myself because I kind of lived my life preparing for it. You know, I lived preparing for cancer to come back, you know, like I knew it was going to happen and I feel like, wow, did I manifest this? You know, so it was like, I had a lot of questions that coming back, but it caused like a really deep depression. And in that depression, when I felt like other people should have been there for me, there was nobody there. And then I said, I keep giving to all these people who I love and I know love me. But where is that love?

Why can't I see it when I need it the most? So it's like, okay, now I need to overcompensate for myself and love myself more. And don't give it to everybody else because. Your cup is empty. Is it? That cup is dry. I'm like, i just need a rain he still gives love though i i does yeah um so maybe maybe this will help um i so the original uh title of this book was called intentional decision-making. Ooh, exciting. Right.

But there was a reason that like that phrase was popping around in my head. And it was because I, like you had a problem with yes, vomit. And that is like gross to some people. However, when you think about it, like if you're a people pleaser, if you want to do everything for everybody, then yes, is coming flying out of your mouth before the question has even been asked, you know, can you, yes. Uh-huh. Absolutely. What do you need? Yep. For sure. I'm there. Yep. Yep. I will, I will do this. I will do that. I'll lend you money. I'll take care of this. Don't ask me about the kids. That's not a good plan. Me neither. Um, we're just like puking. Yes. At people and the whole point of the book and of intentional decision-making and all of that, it's not to say like, screw you to the world. Right's really not like i still love doing things for

people that i care about today i did a um an unpaid speaking engagement for a non-profit because i knew that the the population they served could benefit from what i have from what i have to give like i'm not saying no, screw you. I'm never doing anything for anyone. Um, it's more about kind of stopping that yes on it and going through your, your head, your body. Like, do I want to do this? Do I have the resources to do this? Um, and the third part of, of what I say is, am I willing to give something else up in order to do this? And if the answer to all of those things is yes, go do it, serve, you know, give the money, do the talk, do whatever it is to help others. But you have to check in

with yourself because like you're finding out if you just give, give, give, you've got nothing left over. You know, my problem was that I felt like I've been so blessed with an abundance. So it's like, how dare you say no? You know, it's like that's the you know, how dare you say no when you're going to turn around and buy a $300 pair of sneakers, you know? And it's like, you know, is it somebody's lights getting turned off? Yeah. Saying no to that worth proving the point when I'm just going to go and spend it anyway, you know?

And it's, but then it's like, am I enabling people? Cause I continue to do it, you know? So it's like, now I'm trying to think about it, but I'm still lost in all the answers. Like this is my biggest struggle i'm in a healing journey and my biggest struggle is the weight of everybody else that has always been attached to me yeah and it's like i know what it's like to lose my own weight you know i know what it's like to shed those negative energies and those spirits and those things but i think that's why you do it, though, is because you know how it feels. So you just want to give because you don't want them to feel like that.

Right. But I feel like people have to want it for themselves. Do you agree? People have to want to heal. But how how do you get a society to heal when people think they don't have anything to heal from? Right. Oh, that is a way bigger problem than we can handle. Um, I, you know, I really, I think it does go back to what you said. Like, are, are you enabling people? And look, there are some people that for sure need our help. Like there is absolutely no question. Um, but I had a coach once who said, I am responsible to you, not for you. And when we take on that responsibility, like, Oh, well, if you can't turn your lights on, I'm responsible for that. If you don't have someone to watch your, your pets,

I'm responsible for that. you you know if if you're not meeting your own needs it is my responsibility to take care of those and honestly unless they're minors that are in your charge you know you don't you don't yeah you mean there i got dogs and now i have step kids but they're adults. So we're good. Are you married? Are you like, okay. They're 27 and 31. No one's coming to me for like parenting advice. But yeah, I mean, it really is like realizing like, Hey, the only person in this world that you're responsible for is you.

Right. Right. person in this world that you're responsible for is you right right and you can help people when you can but you you can't give yourself up to do it i know and i it's just like it's like but enough about me let's talk about you and i want to know how we got to start from the beginning okay because i know you got this headlight story, right? Yeah, I do. I do. Yeah. The beginning of your mental health journey, wasn't it? Uh, it was one of them. I've had a few mental health journeys. Um, so yeah. What was that? I'm sorry. I think we'll always have some kind of, we're going to climb one mountain and then look up and it's like, there's the next one. Yeah.

So I was, it was about two and a half years ago and I, I had, I had gone through a clinical depression in my late twenties. And what got me out of it was service to others was I got involved in animal rescue and I found purpose and I found just gratitude. And I found a way to use my skills to make the world a better place and to help out the animals. And it felt amazing. What it also did was it created this perfect breeding ground for someone with unhealthy boundaries. Because I was like, well, I can throw everything I've got into these animals and into this

organization. I can give up my identity. I can give up my energy. I can not pay my bills because nonprofits don't pay a lot. But I was like, let me give everything I can to this rescue. And during COVID, I had a writing business. And all of my clients just disappeared overnight, which I know many, many business owners have that story during COVID. And I threw myself completely into the rescue. And as my clients started coming back, and as I realized that like, Oh, hey, I'm not making enough to keep a roof over my head and kibble in the dog's bowl. I have to take my clients back. And I got to this point.

I was working like, I don't know, 15, 16 hour days at the rescue. I was, you know, working with all of my clients in the evenings. My parents were getting older. I was taking care of them. I was still taking on nonprofit, not nonprofit volunteer roles in other organizations. Like I just kept piling it on and I was crying constantly and I cry a lot to begin with. So that's not like a huge thing, but I didn't stop. Are you an ugly crier?

I don't think so. I think I'm a cute crier. It was a very important question. I've never seen, like Crystal goes from like, crystal goes from, like, you know, this beautiful person you see right now to a munchkin. Like, I'm like, oh my God, were you created by Jim Henson?

Oh, sorry. And now, that's what pulled me out of crying, is I think of Micah saying, you're an ugly crying, so then I'll stop and I'll go, you gotta be beautiful how horrible I'm sitting here hosting a mental health

podcast but I don't give her the chance to cry I'm like you about to make me cry not because of what you're saying just because you're ugly I'm just joking I love you you know it's funny Cause when I was younger, I never used to cry in front of everybody.

Like I would like go hide in the bathroom and it just got to the point, like, you know, like mid twenties, late twenties when I was going through the depression and then, and this experience, like, I'm like, I don't care who's these, we have crying everywhere. But you do, like, I don't care who sees me. I'm crying everywhere. Um, but you do like, you just get to this, like, you're just full and it just has to come out. And I was resentful of the people I cared about, like people I love. And I wanted to help. I was angry. I was sad all the time. I was snapping at people. Like it was bad. And one day I was driving down the road it was like dusk

and you know the headlights were starting to come on and I I saw them and I was like hey if I just kind of cross over the median like I don't have to deal with any of this ever again um and it scared the shit out of me I mean I even I, even when I was at my lowest, like I still, I never contemplated suicide. And this was like a, Whoa, um, something bad. Um, and I realized, you know, I talked myself down from it. I was like, look, like if I'm gone, I can't take care of my parents. I can't take care of my dogs. I can't be there to speak for, for animals, for homeless animals. Um, and so I pulled over and I, I cried, um, in a cute way. And then I just kind of had this moment where I was like, okay, something major

means to change. And I went, I went on this journey, you know, and thank goodness I did because my life is much better. And so are many other people who I've had the opportunity to share this with. And we wouldn't be here having a conversation about the fires, you know? Exactly.

Now, of course, I cut you off and I'm sorry. I know you had a question. I wanted to know about the coloring book. Oh, yeah. I thought she was going to come out and say, this is why I know you had a question. I wanted to know about the coloring book. Oh, yeah. I thought she was going to come out and say, this is why I don't let her talk. Well, you weren't going to ask about the coloring book.

You don't have kids. So it's not for kids. Do not give this to your children. There's curse words in there. Well, just one. You can tear that page out if you need to. I actually, like I was on a podcast and look, I never know what's going to come out of my mouth. Enjoy editing this guys. Um, I never know what's going to come out. And a friend was interviewing me on his TV show and he was like, so what's next? Like my book had just come out and I sat there and I thought about it for a second.

I was like, I'm going to make a coloring book. And he just kind of stared at me. This was August. He goes, okay. He's like, are you an artist? I was like, not at all. He goes, how are you going to do it? And I was like, I have no idea, but it'll be out in time for Christmas.

And was it? Okay. Yes. God bless Canva. If anybody has not yet worked on that program, it's like Photoshop for idiots. Amazing. I didn't see it on your website, though. Is that book on

your website, the Covenant Room book your website? The color on book. It's okay. So this is the first time I've ever had somebody else do my website and I actually haven't had him update it. So yes, if you go to, you had me at no.com, which is my other website that I do all the things to it's on there.

Okay. Cause I was like, I know about five books. And then when you said six, I'm like, oh, are you trying to tell me I don't know how to research? No, I've got a couple

out there. It's been a journey. Yeah, well, your book is something I definitely want to buy, but I want an autographed copy, so we need to work that out. For sure. For sure. I can do that. I need to have tears on it if I'm having a rough day. Right, right, right.

And of course, it's okay to ugly cry, okay? It is, it is. Well, they know for real. I mean, we joke a lot. That's one thing we do here. We do joke a lot. But she knows that she needs a moment, you know, like take it. Me, on the other hand, so when i was like first diagnosed with cancer years ago um

it's been like a 16 year battle i had a chemical imbalance with it and i cried like every day like it went you know like really strange so then people were just used to it so we're having conversation they're like hey what's popping up like nothing it's like what you've been about to have some breakfast like it was really really really, really, really, really bad. So I end up having, like, HCGs, which is, like, the pregnancy hormone. Yeah. So I went through, like, a lot of, like, pregnant feelings. And I'm like, Lord, I do not know why you do this to women.

Like, I wanted a Milky Way. And do you know I went to six stores and they did not have no Milky Ways? And you cried. And I cried. Because I cried so hard over these Milky Ways. And you cried. And I cried because I cried so hard over these Milky Ways. Like I had street teams out so that I could, like

my friends was like, no, we're going to get to a Milky Way. You're about to have all the Milky Ways you want. But you know what I think about? It's always funny because it's one thing I do use against women where they're like, you don't know what it's like to be pregnant. And I'm like, I'm still pregnant, okay? You don't know what it's like to be pregnant for 15 years, okay? You have your baby, okay?

I'm still pregnant with mine, all right? So I know. But yeah, it's like the emotion behind it is crazy. You know, like to wake up and be like, I'm ugly. And I'm like, is this real? Like, I'm fat. Oh fat oh my god nobody loves me like bitch you've been next to a whole man welcome to being a woman thank you thank you for understanding our plight i always think about like the spirit there's a spiritual reason behind it because i'm like i

don't know why i'm the person I got to understand. I don't want kids. I want you to show every other man what we go through. Well, it would help if I wasn't gay. You have a platform though. Think about how many people you get to

reach with this. The guys are like, maybe I should understand. Maybe i should get her a damn milky way when she asks me for one oh if she asks you'll ask her to get her cheesecake go get her cheesecake maybe i shouldn't say she cries ugly because she's gonna i'm never gonna live that one down micah do as I do. Okay. So no. So, okay. Now back to writing, like, cause I feel like all of your books are mental health related, aren't they? So they started out that way. Um, my first book was, uh, surviving to thriving, how to overcome setbacks and rock your life. And that was

pretty much a book on resilience. It was everything I dealt with up until that point, my childhood, um, a wind banger of a divorce, like all, all the things, um, and then going through that depression. And, um, you know, I, my, my rock bottom moment was on the floor of the bathroom, just curled up in the fetal position, hysterical crying. And I, I didn't, I couldn't get up and I honestly didn't care if I ever did. Wow. You know, did you ever get help in that? Because you were a clinical depression, like a diagnosis by a psychiatrist? That, um, that led to a diagnosis. Um, my, my step-mom kind of pulled me off, off the bathroom floor and was

like, Hey, this is not you. Something's wrong. Um, and I did, I re I reached out to a therapist and I was on medication for maybe five months to, to get everything straightened out. Um, but that was also when like volunteering came into my life. Right. Um, but that was also when like volunteering came into my life. Right. Um, so it's, it's, it's hard, especially like my background is in forensic psychology. Like I, I went to school to be a profiler and to understand like all this like abnormal psychology and then to go through it and be like, yo, the textbooks do not prepare you for this shit. They do not. They don't like you, like when you're actually in depression or

you're actually in anxiety and you're like, well, what did the textbook say about that? Like does not do a damn thing. Um, so yeah, it was, it was kind of a, um, it was definitely a journey, but writing the book was, um, part cathartic experience for me. And then part, like, I can't be the only one that's feeling this way. Like, let me share this experience through a non-clinical lens. Like I am not a therapist, like, but those books didn't help me. So let me share this, this experience as somebody who's been on that bathroom floor, um, who's been driving into oncoming traffic and like, wait, what am I doing? Um, so yeah, so it kind of, it kind of started out like that. And then I took people's advice

that I shouldn't have taken. I, it so much in my life has come down to that. Um, I decided I wanted to be a speaker and people were like, well, you know, nobody will pay for personal development topics. So you should talk about something that affects business. And I was like, okay, I've been, you know, I've been writing content for business for a while now. I started out writing books with fiction. So I have this like background in storytelling, like why don't I teach storytelling? And it kind of like went from there. So all of my books are for sure like steps along the journey um but now i'm i'm back to personal development i'm back to that mental health aspect and i'm back to helping people like live better lives and feel better about themselves and be healthier so okay now

on a bottom line yeah it's a good name, right? Yes, I was like, I just got to get this book too. So that's another one I got to get right. Because I'm like, Once Upon a Bottom Line. Yeah, so let's talk about that a little bit. You know, it's funny. Some books, you write the entire book and then at the very end,'re like oh shit i need a title um and some books they come with a title and then you figure out what the book is about um and that was one of those like no joke amazing things happen when i shut up for a few minutes

um i i went to this like meditation They tell me I talk too much all the time. That's why she's over there laughing secretly. She's over there secretly laughing when you said that like yeah, you need to take that advice. Shut the fuck up. I wasn't like to you, but if you heard something in it, like

far be it for me. It wasn't that I heard it. You should have seen Crystal's eyes when you said it you know she was like giving me like the side eye when you're quiet shut the fuck up Micah I mean when you're quiet

he writes poetry and books yes but let me tell you I wrote one book right and I don't advertise it I don't even know how it's selling but I did write a book right oh you can't even see it can you no but um and let me tell you i sat down and i wrote this book and i swore it was a thousand pages long right it's called love beyond the battle it's a journey of cancer and redemption so it was about my room basically my remission story.

And I actually survived cancer through love. Like I had to learn, I learned to love cancer and I feel like it was through loving it that I was able to get rid of it. So it's pretty weird, but I wrote the book and I was like, this is going to be like a thousand pages long. And then like I got it printed

and it was like 62 pages. I was like, I put my whole life in this and that's it, 62 pages. I was like, I put my whole life in this and that's it. Like my story is 62 pages. Okay. Maybe, look, maybe I do need to shut the fuck up. Um, I, uh, so yeah, so I was, um, I went to this meditation retreat with a friend of mine and I was sitting outside, um, hoping that nothing was crawling on me and I was quiet for the first time in God only knows how long. And I literally, that title popped into my head like once upon a bottom line and I'm

just sitting there. It's a good title. I'm like, what the hell is this? Like, where did this come from? Like, what is it? Like you talk about divine downloads. Like that was just pure, like, all right, I'm meant to do something. And then I walked in and I used to have the card up on near my desk.

I don't anymore. But I was like, okay, like universe, give me a sign. Like if I'm supposed to do something, like I need more concrete evidence. Like I, I don't, I don't listen very well. Um, and I walked into the retreat center's main office, whatever you call it. And they have this card on the table that says, share your story and help others. And I was like, like it was just their comment card. Um, but I was like, okay. And I, I, I started writing the book and I started doing like workshops and stuff around it and it helps for sure. I mean,

storytelling for sales is important and I still like do those workshops every once in a while, but it just, it wasn't, it wasn't filling like that, that sole need for me. Um, so I kept, I kept going and I kept writing and eventually this one came. Yeah. Well, I thought, I thought like, Oh my God, great, great, great title. But I wanted to go back now to something that you said earlier. Number one, it was your stepmom picking you up off the floor. Now there's a lot of people out there that don't have a stepmom or people to, to do that for them. And there are times I know I was one of those people.

And it's not that I didn't have it. I just never had a voice to share what I was going through. So I thought my world was fine when really it was like the Transformers and the Megatrons internally at war. And somewhere there is still fish. Got to get the fish in there. Yeah, the fish is still there. So it's not going to work. And I guess my question, if it was a question right

if i could get to it like shut up and get to the question okay is what do you say to a person or what advice could you give a person who feels like they just don't care if they don't get up the world needs you someone needs you um you sometimes it's, it is easier to help someone else when you can't help yourself. And I say that having gone from one, like one side of the pendulum all the way to the other, um, there, there is that happy medium, but sometimes you are not in a position to focus on your own problems and going out there, volunteering, helping somebody else. Um, and that was what my stepmom said to me. She said like, this isn't you go help someone else. Um, and if you, you don't have the stepmom there to say that, um, you're going to have to dig deep and you're gonna have to realize that

if you're not there someone is going to suffer right right um so even if you can't be there for yourself in that moment be there for someone else and and know that it's actually going to help heal you too. Right. That's really good. Thanks. First time anyone ever said that on this show. You know, it's always about yourself, yourself, yourself, yourself, yourself. It's true. You know, I feel like you can't take care of people if you don't take care of yourself. But then also I know that the first time I started loving myself is when I fell in love with somebody else

because I saw it wasn't you, Crystal. But I felt like this person was so great or is so great that they deserve this kind of person. And I'm not that person. So I use love as a mirror to help me now go search for myself. And now I ain't with that person no more but hey you know it was but you made their life better right and i and i realized that i was the one deserve more love and i was given more than i deserved and i was holding them at a pedestal when really they were like part of the reason for my downfall so you know but it was it was in seeing that kind of like what you said it was like in wanting to be there so much for him.

I end up being there for me, but also seeing. So, yeah, that's really good advice. That was really, really dope. There's there's like one other aspect to this. And it's like I know when you're in that state and you're so low, it's really hard to imagine that anybody else feels the way that you do. Right. Right. You're like, I am the only one in the history of humanity that has ever like been on a bathroom floor crying. Like, you know, why am I even here? And, um, I used to teach this when I talked about storytelling, um,

there is depending on the scientists you listen to, there's somewhere between seven and like 42 emotions, like human emotions across the board like even if there's 42 let's go with the high number like 142 let me tell you seriously there's billions of people on this planet like do you honestly think like you have the market cornered on sadness like you know how hard it is to cry and laugh at the same time and I do it cutely realizing that you are um um that you're experiencing something that other people have experienced are experiencing and realizing that when you experiencing something that other people have experienced, are experiencing and realizing that when you open up to other people, it actually gives them the freedom

and the space and the encouragement that they get to open up to you. Right. Right. Um, so again, like it's, you said the show is all about you. Like it's not all about you. Like there's, we're, we're all experiencing this cluster cluster F I'm trying not to curse that much, but I guess considering the title of your podcast, I shouldn't worry. Yeah.

Of these like human emotions, like we're all experiencing it. So like when you share you're actually doing a good thing yeah okay but I'm going to tell you this emotion I feel like no one else feels this way ever in history right I was talking to somebody over the weekend I was traveling

and you know I just get it random I am the person that always ends up in a random conversation with people everybody just pulls to him. Yeah. And it's like, and you know, it was, it was really bad because it was like, well, I always tell, I was telling them about one conversation.

I get on a plane and a woman sits next to me and she looks at me and she says, where are you going to? And she's like, where are you flying to? And I'm like, we are on the same plane. Like I just wanted to put my headphone on and have a moment to myself. But then I realized I said, OK, wait, maybe she needs somebody. Don't be selfish. Let's hear out. So she's on her way to Germany. And do you know what my follow up is when she tells me that? I hear I hear there's a lot of Germans there.

I said, you know what? I should have just left her alone. I'm trying to be a good person and I should have just left it alone. She looks at me and luckily she just like laughed. And I was like, I'm sorry. I just, I didn't, you know, I don't like to fly.

That's my excuse. It's like, I don't like to fly. I don't like to be in environments I can to shoot. And I was like, I'm sorry. I just, I didn't, you know, I don't like to fly. That's my excuse. It's like, I don't like to fly. I don't like to be environments I can't control. Right. So mine is one of them. I'm not in control of this airplane. And you know, even though the pilot was cute or whatever, I don't know, you know, he ain't drunk, you know what I'm saying? So, so I want, you know, but I did have to take that step, but yeah, it was pretty, pretty pretty awkward i'm one

of those people end up in like awkward awkward conversations with people all the time about life and it's annoying a little bit and there was a point to it and i forgot what it was well i think i was going to what she was saying as you have to like not just think about yourself think about other well i was thinking about this i was thinking about this I end up talking to somebody we talk about in a relationship a woman is like oh a cute young man like you I know you're married and I'm like no like I ain't been touched by somebody physically in like five years

what is she talking about like I'm single and you know she came out and her thought was she was like well you know God is a perfect perfect person for you and you're going to meet a perfect, perfect person for you. You're going to meet him. You're going to meet him soon. There's somebody for everybody and yada, yada, yada. So I get on the plane and it's like I'm traveling back now and I get on the plane and I sit down. And my thought to myself is, what if there is not a person being designed for me, but really the universe protecting other people from me because I'm a person

that has grown up with so much trauma that it's like, you know, a touch. I don't know what's coming. It's triggering, you know? So it's like, wow, what if it's that I'm going to be single the rest of my life, but that's just how my life is designed. And that's how I should be. And that's not deep, Micah. Huh? That's not deep. You're going to cry.

But no, so no, I was just saying, it's like, do people think that way? You think there's other people in the world that feel that way? I mean, I'm probably 100%, right? That there is other people that... Yeah, plenty. I'm like, who thinks that way about themselves? But, you know you know i was and it's not because i think i'm a bad person or a horrible person but i just know that it's like i'm i found

safety myself safe and letting anybody into that space is like really really hard for me you know so it's like you know part of me sometimes you know people like i was like oh i never meet nobody they're like you can't meet nobody if you're always at home i mean that is true like you gotta put yourself out there micah and i'm like in this crazy ass world yeah unless they like break into your house and you don't want to date those people well i don't know but no you're right that's what i do i got on the windows and cameras everywhere like i'm one of those extra security it's really really bad i'm paranoid it trauma is real you know and it's expensive you start talking he's like where do you live

like it's so funny like it's so you know a random stranger asked me uh it was somebody asked me out on a date and we went on one date and i never heard from him again it's definitely me but um i took pictures and i sent it to crystal i'm like here's his picture here's his phone number like if you don't hear from me in the next six hours, get his ass. You got to have a buddy that knows where to find the body. Right. Right. No, no.

And then I think he thought I was crazy after that. He was like, uh. So anyway, is there a point to this? No, I'm just saying now trying to get some free advice that's all it is look I will say while I am not a dating expert I was

on dating I was just thinking about those thoughts like that oh god everybody's thinking them please no I was single for man 20 to like 42. I thought you were 40. I am 44 this year. So single until 41. Let's put that. Um, but honestly, if I had met my now husband a couple of years earlier, I wouldn't have gone near him because he had his own shit to deal with. And frankly, he wouldn't have come near me because I had my own. So like, yeah, you have to work on yourself until you find that person.

But yeah, there's no way. If we had met a couple of years ago, like he he was an alcoholic. I wouldn't have I wouldn't have even given him a second thought. And I was a disaster. So keep hope alive. Keep hope alive. Work on you. Love yourself. All the stuff that people say that you're like, oh, I'm so tired of hearing this. Like, it's true. See, I'm actually there. I think my biggest problem is letting people in because this world is so crazy. It's like you don't know people, you know, and it's like, you know, I mean, we go back and we talk about that situation.

And like, we never talked again, but we never talked again because two days later he texted me that he was stabbed. That's somebody I don't need in my life. You know, you're a grown man how are you getting stabbed like what are you doing and and i didn't even want and i see i was bad though because i immediately blocked them and i'm like i didn't even hear the story maybe it was like maybe he got robbed right like maybe he's a really good guy but it was just the fact that that happened to you nope instantly like i'm in the hospital i got stabbed blocked like i don't so it's it's funny because it was probably i mean this was before i got married the first time so i was like early 20s and i had a date with a guy He was a customer at the bank that I worked at. And he had been like asking me out for, for really months. And I finally said yes.

And the night we were supposed to go out, like didn't hear from him, like just radio silence, nothing. Um, and I was, I was pretty depressed. I was like, well, you know, here, I finally said yes. And he is just nowhere to be seen. He texted me on like Tuesday or something and was like, um, I really owe you an apology. I didn't mean to stand you up. I was in jail. And I was like, that is a damn good excuse for not going out on our date. And he was like that is a damn good excuse for not going out on our date and he was like do you still want to go out with me and I was like no I do not

like thank you for your honesty and I'm sorry that happened but good lord no I don't want to go out with you so yeah maybe he got stabbed in a good way but probably not. I wish you the best.

I hope you heal them from your stab wounds. I wish you antibiotics, but stay out of my life. Look, you got stabbed for that one. That was a go. Right. But it's like this world is horrible. We live in a horrible world. And it's funny because I'm healing we live in a horrible world and it's it's funny

because i'm healing so i love everybody yeah right but it's like it's still crazy the stuff that you're with me you know it's it's i don't even crystal's going through a really horrible situation now and we're probably gonna do another podcast about it so we ain't gonna talk about it now but it's like it's like why bring it up and not talk about it right we had to pull our daughter out of school for like bullying we'll leave it at that extent right because how bad the bullying got where it got to a death threat and it's like you in school at 16 and someone's gonna threaten your life yeah it's like what is wrong with this world i i was sitting there and i's going to threaten your life. Yeah. It's like, what is wrong with this world? I was sitting there and I was talking to the principal and I was just like, kids are cruel. Oh, they're awful.

And now they have new tools. Right. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. It's horrible. It honestly really is.

So, and now we're talking about how bad his world is. Come on, Cheryl. How do we keep the hope? What do we do? Truthfully, like when I look back on my life and when I look back at the mistakes I made and I put those in quotation marks, cause like, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't be, you you know in a great relationship I wouldn't have what I have now and be who I am now if it weren't for that however are you one of those people that wouldn't change anything for the world kind of people and you know what me I would change it all I would give it all up if they came to me and told me I could do it all over again, sign me up.

You know how you said you don't let them finish the question? They would be like, do you want to? And I would be like, hell yes. It's funny because I say this and people be like, but what if you're not born to the same mom? What if you're not this? What if you're not that? Be who you are now.

And I love my mom. Trust. Love her to death. But that is a chance I am willing to take. Okay. Give me a reset button and I will start this life. What if it's worse? What if you don't?

You know what? Just the possibility that it could be better. This age. It's enough for me. The possibility that it could be better is a 50-50 chance that it could be worse or it could be better. I don't struggle enough in this life that I am willing to take that chance. I'm sorry.

But I'll let you finish. They better replace you with another Micah. Yeah, I mean, I guess I am. I am one of those people. I truly do believe we're where we are right now for a reason. And maybe it's for the people whose lives we're meant we are right now for a reason. Um, and it's me, maybe it's for the people whose lives were, were meant to touch and all of that. Um, but I've still done some dumb

shit in my life, you know, and I've gotten into some situations that, um, probably should have been avoided. Um, and it's because of a lack of boundaries. Like it's because I was afraid to say no to someone. It was because I took too many people's advice on something. Like it was all of these things that could have been prevented if I knew how to stand up for myself, if I knew that I actually know more about me than someone I just met. Um, and I just, a lot, a lot of dumb stuff could have been avoided. Um, so yeah, I do like, I do believe that when we strengthen our boundaries, we actually help those around us right um because just like sharing your story and sharing those emotions like you give other people permission um so yeah so it's the

problem it's it's i think it is the problem with this world with crystal whatever's going on with your daughter like that other person who's involved in this does not have boundaries. They were never taught them. They don't know when you keep your mouth shut. They don't know when you like, don't let your crap spill onto somebody else. Um, and it does, it causes, it causes a lot of problems and a lot of pain. Um, and we all just have to learn and it sucks. And you start learning and then you have a setback and you're like damn because healing is a journey i feel like it's a never-ending journey

you will heal until you reach paradise whatever that is but yeah you know the bible says 120 so that's why i look i don't believe in god yet but I believe that I need to be here. So I'm 120. Well, I say yet because I'm still in my my searching stage in healing. I'm trying to discover spirituality. Right, Cheryl. So but I have a problem with a God that like kills parents, not that kills parents, but allows people to die. Yeah. that kills parents but allows people to die yeah only for me so like you allow them to die and now i'm traumatized and i'm going through a depression and now you know this person was the love of my life and my life is horrible but then i'm supposed to meet them again later so you're

going to take them away from a little while only to give them back to me i feel like that's cruel make me it's hard to believe in a god that's cruel. I'm in that search. That's why I say I'm in that search right now because I know there has to be a creator. Our world is so complex that there has to be something bigger than me. Do we really know where it is?

Or is it really different for everybody? I don't knock any religion. I believe in the right of belief, you know, like believe whatever you want to. I'm cool with it. And we can discuss it and we can talk about it. And I could see some stuff. I'm wearing a shirt of Buddha, love some Buddha. You hear me?

I got a Buddha in my office and I rub his belly every day. Okay. You know, but I also got elephants and I have their butts to the door because, you know, as punctuated, you know, I have my elephants and i have their butts to the door because you know as you know i have my cross and my rosaries and so it's like i have all these things and i feel like i'm okay i can incorporate all of them it's all a form of positivity thinking of something greater than you that's positive that's love right so like it's cool to think of those things but i wanted i'm like you i need the concrete like come on give me you know i'm telling my brother like i never felt the spirit of god like you know people always say oh i felt

the spirit come on me and i'm like whatever it was cold in the room it was cold in the room i opened the door of course air conditioning vents i mean come on but no i'm just joking i'm not saying that people can't i'm just saying i haven't so Of course. Of course. There's something in the air conditioning vents. I mean, come on. But no, I'm just joking. I'm not saying that people can't. I'm just saying I haven't. So I did want to go back to another thing you said, and it was that you were on medication for five months. And I thought that that was also really dope for you to just kind of talk about because I think that hasn't been brought up on our show either, that you know you may need to start there that

may need to that's and there's nothing wrong with that like there's nothing wrong with medication there's nothing that nobody here is saying you know but it doesn't have to be a life sentence you know yeah i no no go ahead because you got the i was on the internet it was horrible and everything you're saying is wrong i'm like oh is this the moment that I should have shut up? No, like honestly, if you had asked me before I'd gone through that, like I was judgmental as all hell. Like I used to, I would read the textbooks and I would be like, man, how weak do you have to be to need medication?

Like just make changes in your life. Like just shut up and make changes. Um, and then I experienced it and look, chemical imbalances are no joke. Um, there's, I think in this society we have, um, we have this lack of responsibility and i i say that like in reference to medication right now um because we're all looking for the quick fix for everything okay like oh hey you're you're overweight like don't worry about eating right and exercising like just take a pill and it just melts right off you. How is the shot? You take a shot every day.

Like just, you know, whatever it is. And I think in a lot of situations, psychotropic meds, like the, you know, mental health medication is used in the same way. And I'll be honest, like I walked into the doctor, my pediatrician, my general practitioner, like I didn't go to a psychiatrist. You've been depressed as you were. Ooh, huh? Damn it.

Like I had a therapist that was walking me through this, but she couldn't prescribe medication. I walked into my doctor's office. Before the doctor came in, they handed me a survey. Okay. First of all, I have a master's in psychology. I know some shit. They handed me a survey to fill out. And when the doctor came in, he never looked at me. He took the survey from me, went, yep, you're depressed, wrote out a prescription and sent me. He didn't ask me what was wrong.

He didn't ask me if I was dealing with a therapist. He didn't ask me if I was making changes, like nothing like, yep, you're depressed. There you go. Um, and I think in terms of just like society in general, like that is a problem. Um, however, like if you have a legit chemical imbalance and you either don't have the strength, the energy, the, the inner will to make the changes that you need to make, um, that you need medication, like you need help. And, um, I got off it as quickly as I did because I couldn't write. Um, and even like, this was before I was doing it professionally,

but it was, was it? Yes. It was before I was doing it professionally, but it was, was it? Yes. It was before I was doing it professionally. And I just like that part of my brain wasn't working. And I was like, okay, I can't, like, I can't stay on this long-term. Were there other medications out there that probably, you know, wouldn't have had that side effect? I'm sure at this point there are. Um, but I had already started, like I was feeling well enough that I was like, okay, I'll go volunteer. Okay. I'll go out and I'll, I'll do this. I'll meet new people. I'll change my job. I'll do all of these things that are impacting my mental health. Um, and I, I was able to do that. If you need it for a longer period of time, take it for a longer period of time,

but see a therapist, see someone who's like walking you through this. So it's not the only way that you're approaching depression or whatever, whatever you're dealing with. Like, don't just think like, well, I'm on a pill now. Like I never have to, I never have to do anything. I never, you know, I'm just fine. Like, here's my mood right here. Like no excitement, I'm on a pill now. Like, I never have to do anything. I never, you know, I'm just fine. Like, here's my mood right here. Like, no excitement, but at least I don't want to kill myself. You know, like, don't just settle for that. Get the help.

Get the help. Make the changes. And make it a goal, maybe, that eventually you do get off it. That eventually you don't need it. And it should be that you're with somebody that you trust to prescribe these medicines. You know, it's like to me, that's a big part of it is like, yeah, they know me well enough. You know, have they taken the time to get to know me well enough to really say, hey, this is what I need? Because I kind of had experience like yours too so I had this amazing

therapist great I met her I decided I was like you know what I feel like there's a lot in me that's broken I need to get a therapist you know so and I did and there was a lot of me that was broken but one thing she realized and she told me is that it's your voice yeah you you went through so much trauma you never had a voice. I always tell people my first memory is of being molested. So it's like, and that's kind of how the rest of my life went.

So it was true. I never thought about that. I'm like, I'm talking to your ass now. Clearly I got a voice. But I wasn't hearing what she was saying. And then we worked together for two years. And finally she said, I can't like hearing what she was saying. And then we worked together for two years. And finally she said, I can't see you anymore. And it was devastating.

And I felt like she was breaking up with me. But she said, no, now it's time for you. So she said, I taught you how to talk. Now it's time for you to talk to the people that you love. And I was like, okay. Okay. I still feel abandoned, but okay. I'm abandoned with purpose.

Okay, I'm going to go out here and I'm going to start talking to people. And honestly, that's how the podcast came to be because I started to realize that I have a lot to say, clearly, as you can see. She's like, yeah. Yeah, like you didn't shut the hell up, okay? I'm your guest guest it's about me

okay like i'm trying to get some customers off of this and your ass won't shut up i got you cheryl okay no we think you're dope we think you're dope honestly and i wanted to tell you too i think your hair is amazing I just like the first thing about you I was like in your pictures and in the YouTube videos like oh my god her hair is amazing okay so just to like know about that but getting back to a serious topic other than hair is there anything that you wanted to say our audience that we didn't allow you to say because I'm crazy? You know, I just that you have the right to have needs. You have the right to express your needs and you have the right to have your needs met. And I think that's something that a lot of us go through way too long in our life. If we ever learn it, um, that we don't know.

And it leads to problems. It leads to putting ourselves second, um, or third, if you are very religious. And I know they always say like, I am second, like, so edit that in your own head if, if that's how you feel. Um, but yeah, you, you have, you, you get to have needs as a human being, like you get to have them. Um, and it's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human. Right. And you kind of deserve those to be met or fulfilled as well, you know? So it's like, you know, it goes back to what you deserve.

And that is part of what you deserve. You deserve to be able to. Happiness is real. I feel like you should be happy in this life. Like, we shouldn't be here and this detriment and sad every day and going crazy. You know, that's what I was like you should be happy in this life. Like we shouldn't be here and this detriment and sad every day and going crazy, you know? Oh, that's what I was telling you. So after my therapist, I was going through a little state of depression. And so I went to like another therapist. I was like, okay, I'm not done.

You're lying. You don't know what you're talking about. I'm not healed yet. I need to go to the therapist. So I kind of did the same thing. I saw this time I went to a psychiatrist, same thing, questionnaire, prescribing medicine. I'm taking the medicine same thing. I saw this time I went to a psychiatrist, same thing, questionnaire, prescribing medicine. I'm taking the medicine, too. And I'm like, because they're like, you know, you you're always in the house. You know, you're you spend all your time alone. You know, you you you don't really associate. You don't have a lot of friends like these are things you admitted to me. So you're depressed. And I'm like, oh, shit, I'm depressed. You know, so I'm taking this medicine.

I'm like, I'm depressed. I'm telling people, yeah, I got this prescription. I'm depressed, you know. But then I started to realize the reason I don't go out is because we're in the middle of a pandemic. COVID is out this motherfucker. And just because, like, we ain't got to wear a mask no more don't mean, bitch had cancer no i don't go out i don't want to and then the reason i don't invite people over is the same reason and i clubbed so much in my 20s that i don't have the want to club right now and i just don't meet a lot of people because people in this world are weird and crazy and psycho and i don't have time for that

he didn't have friends because he just moved here. Right. Yeah. Like I just moved. So it was like everything they used against me to give me this medicine that I should not have been taken. So I kind of, and so I just stopped. I was like, oh, dead, no more psychiatrists to me. But then I started and I thought about my old therapist and I was like, you know what? I'm going to start talking to the people I love, you know? And that's kind of what I did. But in that caused a whole bunch of other traumas and we'll save that for another episode. So I'm actually going to go and we're going to get all of your books, but I want to autograph. So you got to figure that out, right? I mean, I don't know. know oh I could buy them off your website

and if I do it that way can you autograph them okay well we're gonna get them all we're gonna get them all I don't know if you can see it it's that bright orange I never know how to point on these things but yeah

so whatever is over my head anyway so um yeah well we let you go right but you have to tell us one thing that nobody knows about you that's kind of like like a how you say it like a a guilty pleasure like what is the guilty pleasure you have that you like wouldn't admit to nobody else like i like wham like what wham the group wham i don't know like i'm pretty much an open book like i would mainline chocolate if that was available to me um guilty pleasure okay Phil Collins Phil Collins that's probably not too bad no it's not like people people pretty much know a lot about like I'm very open about stuff um yeah man I have to think about that can I like email you at a later date

with that when you come back with it you gotta do a video gram so we can post now they just want to know everybody got somebody like some people sleep with a box of roll ups you know I'm just saying I sleep with a stuffed penguin

and your husband yeah so my penguin is about yay big um and he's he's like a perfect like pillow like snuggly so i have the penguin in front of me, one dog, like by my butt going down my husband next to me. And then the other dog is either in between us or on his other side, getting out of the, out of bed to go to the bathroom at night, which I do like four times. Um, like it's, there's pole vaulting involved. Like, I know you can't see while I'm sitting, but like, I literally have to like flip over the dog. The penguin has to go.

It's one of those blind things. How do you get back in? It's a challenge. It is for sure a challenge. I'm just going to say your husband loves you. Okay. If there was ever a question and clearly it's not because you glow with love but if there was after all of that you know i don't like apples oh i hate to say that but

it's like the hair thing gets to me maybe it's a texture thing but it's like i really don't maybe that's why i like fish did you say apples? What did you, you don't like what? Pets. Animals. I thought you said you don't like apples and I'm like, what the hell? Apples have fur. Like, what do you, no, you shouldn't eat apples with fur. Okay, got it, got it.

You don't like pets. Alright. I still like you. Like, what's with some freaky ass apples. Yeah. You are completely one of us. You are officially a member of the Talkin' Feelings Podcast family. You want to work with us in our day job?

What should we do? My God. Okay. Alright. They're amazing. They're cute. I watch videos all the time. Like my go-to when I am scrolling, when I need to have that clear my mind state, which I think we're all entitled to,

you know, because people say scrolling is so bad and don't use your cell phones. And I don't think that's true. My personal opinion, sometimes you need to escape. And for me, it's cats. Cats are crazy. As a bitch. They just be out here doing crazy shit.

They just be crazy. I watch like a cat like destroying, like knocking down Christmas tree. Yeah. And like on purpose, like the cat was like and the plant fell. But that is my joy. Anyway, it's been a joy to talk to you thank you thank you so much for coming on i know you're like this probably the craziest podcast i've ever been on and it is but even in

the moments of laughter you taught a lot and i got away with a lot but it was it's pretty cool to know that it's okay it It's okay to say no, but also I thought it was a cool lesson that if you can't help yourself, help somebody else, because in that you will find your value. And I thought that was a really dope message. And I thank you for giving that to our audience, to giving them your time. I will list all of your details. We're going to get your book, two coloring books, because Crystal wants more.

And I'm going to make her send you pictures that she colored. Okay. Awesome. I love it. book, two coloring books, because Crystal wants more. And I'm going to make her send you pictures that she colored. Okay? Awesome. I love it. Ask for this coloring book. We need books that she's going to use. Okay. And we'll list all your contact details in the episode. Thank you so much for being on.

Thank you guys for watching. We will see you next week. Peace, love love and blessings