These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Episode 201 - Interview w/ Jewels - The Making of a Woman...

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

Send us a Text Message.We're back for Season 2, and it's all about Mental Health....We start off the season with an intimate interview with Jewels, the author of "The Making of a Woman... from the inside out". We talk over her touching tale, from the good, to the bad, and then the Beautiful. Listen in as she explains growth, being one with Source, celebrating a monumental sobriety anniversary, and explaining all about the "Fem Dom".You don't want to miss this......We all have our story, and t...

92% of households that start the year with Peloton are still active a year later. 92%? Because of a bike? Not just bikes. We also make treadmills and rowers. Oh, let me guess. For elite athletes only, right? Nope. It doesn't matter if you're an avid exerciser or new to working out. Peloton can help you achieve your fitness goals. 92% stick with it. So can you. Try Peloton Bikes, tread or row, risk-free with a 30-day home trial.

New members only. Not available in remote locations. See additional terms at onepeloton.com slash home dash trial. You don't have to be positive all the time. It's perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared, and anxious. Having feelings doesn't make you a negative person. It doesn't even make you weak. It makes you human.

And we are here to talk through it all. We welcome you to These Fucking Feelings Podcast. A safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up, guys? Welcome to These Fucking Feelings Podcast. I am Christian, and we are back for season two. I'm very excited because we have a special guest today. You were originally supposed to be on last season, but then kind of just a bad end of the year. But we got a speaker, bodybuilder,

award-winning author of The Making of a Woman. I did read this last year. So of course, some things I want to touch in, but if I don't have it quite right, it's just because it's been a few months. Yeah, no worries. How are you? I'm doing really well. Doing really well. Awesome. So you've weathered the storms of life, I see. Yes, yes. It's kind of, it kind of affected us as a podcast altogether. Yeah.

Last year, it was kind of like five of us. And now we're down to two. And my co-host wanted to be here with me, but she is stuck at the airport. She just got back in from Dubai. She hasn't cleared customs yet. The joys of travel. Right. She was supposed to be here at 9 o'clock this morning.

Her plane got delayed. And now she's like stuck in customs. She's like, it's a line of 500 people and she's number 501. Of course. Of course, right? Well, this is exactly how it was supposed to be. Right, definitely. Well, diving straight into your book. So it took about 20 years to write this, correct? You know, I think it was in the making all along. And then it just, you know, you get to the point

where it's like, it just, it manifests and this it's happening now. So it took like six months to put this together. Awesome. And what made you decide that this is what you want to do, that you wanted to write a book? You know, I think having the storyline I have, you tell people bits and pieces of your story along the way and you get the response of, girl, you need to write a book. Right. definitely. It's been embedded, embedded, embedded. And so I think it just came to this point where it's like, I need to share some of this stuff. I need to share the successes of some of this. Definitely. And that's a good point, the successes. Because to me, that's what this was, like a book of endurance. It was like weathering the storm, coming out at the end and being okay.

Okay. We've arrived. Yes. Deep breath. Yes, exactly. And it's crazy. So your book came out in October and my dad passed away October 4th. And he was a veteran. So it took a little while to bury him.

So I was able to kind of hang up my emotions while I got to read your emotions. So it was kind of like a distraction a little bit for me, which was helpful, believe it or not. Yeah. Well, because we can relate to pain and discomfort. Yeah, that's cool. I'm honored. I'm honored I got to be a part of that process. And see, so you lost your dad at a young age, correct? If you want to go into that, it was like six years old. Actually, I didn't lose him at that point. I almost did because he was in the throes of alcoholism.

Right. And, you know, this is back in the in the seventies. Right. So there are not a lot of resources. And at that time, the best option he felt was to commit a family suicide. Wow. And so thank God it didn't happen. Exactly. That way. I mean, that was the beginning of the story, right?

So thank God it didn't happen that way. But I did. My mom passed on, though, when I was a year sober. Oh, wow. So there was a lot of changes. And, I mean, my mom passed on though, when I was a year sober. So there was a lot of changes. And I mean, parents are our rocks. If we like them or not, they are our rocks. Definitely.

It's kind of like they set the road for how our lives go. Totally, totally. So yeah, some changes definitely along the way. Right, right, right. And then, so then it went on into the story where your mom, you guys left. Your mom quickly got remarried and you kind of went into like a whole new level of dysfunction. Yeah, totally got lost. Like it almost like it blew my little person brain.

Like I can imagine. What is this? Where are we like a totally like we're on a different planet type of experience right and it was a larger family right i was an only child i move into this larger family my mom becomes somebody else's mom right right so it's like i'm kind of like that's changing i'm changing i've got these new people who are in my world that are changing my way. It was just like everything, everything. The whole foundation was shook.

And did you feel like you were losing your mom? I just noticed that she was always absent. She was busy. And I always, and this is like through my little person feelings, right? And it was just that she was surviving. Right, right. You know, she was surviving. So, I mean, acquiring a family like that had to

be quite an, you know, quite an endurance for her to be able to, I mean, now I'm one of six kids. I'm no longer the only child. So her roles changed too. And you went from being one little person now with six little people and it's like, which I'm not a parent, so can't relate but i am an uncle and okay so you kind of get it yeah i kind of get it you know i feel privileged because it's like i get to drop them off at the end of the day they're fun when they're fun they are fun when they're fun that's actually a great way to put it they are fun when they're fun so um so let's see so and then you kind of it was crazy when you go into the story about how like a teacher convinced you basically to drop out of high school and i thought that was

isn't that bizarre does that not just blow your mind it does, really did. I'm like a teacher. Yeah. You know, I just got into ninth grade. So just a little snapshot. It's like I've gone, you know, probably about five, six years worth of abuse within this larger, this larger family unit. We've moved. There's a new addition to the family. There's just these multiple levels of changes. And so now I'm in ninth grade. What does that make you like? 14 years old? Right. 14, 15 years old.

And we had moved back to where it all began. Okay. And so now I know how to use drugs. I know how to drink. I'm very promiscuous. And now the counselors, you know, is suggesting that I'm not going to be much of a success here. Wow. And I thought to myself, well, once again, this is just the same story,

just a different character telling me this. Right. And so he's like, there's different avenues of getting your high school diploma. And I saw that as a complete green light. That was the only thing at that point that was still restricting me, right? Right. And so, you know, if I don't have to be in school, well, hell, I have complete freedom. And so, yeah, I took that opportunity and I ran with it.

But I was 14 years old going into the adult world with these types of life skills. And I was blown away by that. I said, you know, it's crazy because it's, you know, now we live in the era of social media and there's different, you know, platforms to be able to go out there and tell your story. And it's like, if your story existed now, I wonder how different it would have been, you know, because you would have had different outlets. Like we could put that teacher on blast, you know, or, you know, like, hey, what is wrong with you? Exactly. And yet you could have like, hey, what is wrong with you? Exactly. And yet you could have like caught it when the abuse was happening. Exactly.

I support today. But back then, I mean, it wasn't like we have pamphlets laying out, you know, about domestic abuse or childhood abuse. I mean, it was it was it just was non-existent. Now. Yeah. Right. Was there a real point, sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, I have a million questions to ask you and I'm trying to make sure I get them all. So was there ever a point that, you know, in growing up that you realized this is not normal?

Or was it that you thought it was normal, kind of what you were going through? You know what, i don't even think it ever crossed my mind okay the question is normal i think it's kind of like that fun that front seat driver type of thing it's like we just we're going to get through this right there's just the i think focus uh is on that surviving right um and so i really didn't even realize that I drank more than most people until, you know, probably like I was 15, 16 years old. You know, you know, you know, I was like, well, what do you mean you don't get drunk when you go out? No, like you're in public, you know. And what do you mean not everybody drinks and drives? What do you like? Wow wow there are sober people I mean it was just mind-blowing

because the the the preface that I had been grown up that that structure had been grown up in was so far from the realities of other parts of the states right we're in the Midwest town you know and so it was like when I when we did move to these different places it was just like this like again like moving this whole new planet it's like what do did move to these different places, it was just like this, again, like moving to this whole new planet. It's like, what do you mean? You know, my uncle has always had a can of beer in the car, in the council. What do you mean? So how young were you when you started drinking?

I actually, this is kind of sad, more so than anything, but I have a picture of me probably about a year and a half in a high chair. And this is back when they had the metal trays. And I am there in my baby bottle. It's still the glass bottles. And my uncle is there, and he has his old Milwaukee returnable bottle. And I have beer in my bottle. Oh, wow.

And I'm drinking it. And that was seen as comical. Right. So if you really look back at it, it's like, wow, this was introduced to my body when I was a year, 18 months old was like at that time it was like part of your DNA it became an essence of who you were essentially yeah like a regular condiment on the table right and you know what my mom um it's funny because my mom smoked cigarettes and you know she's been she's 70 years old now and she's been smoking since she was eight. And it's funny because now it's so hard to try to get her to stop. She just won't stop. But, you know, her doctors think that it may be more dangerous for her to quit because her body's so used to it.

You know, it's all she knows. So, you know, they tell us, you know, we want you to slow down but i don't know if we necessarily want you to stop because you know your body might react and go through withdrawals and who knows what it'll go through um exactly and you know that also tells me it's like eight years old she was considered a semi-adult right like you know what i mean like if back in that day, that generation, if you have cigarettes at eight years old, what's the environment like? It's crazy because now I remember seeing an Instagram picture where someone put a blunt in a baby's mouth and she had a bottle of beer. And it was like four million comments later, the police are knocking at the door and these people are getting arrested for child neglect. And it's a picture. Right. And back in those days, like you said, it's like, you know, here it is, your uncle putting beer in your bottle. And like

you said, it's funny and cute. And, you know, that's crazy. It is crazy. It is very, very crazy. So committed a crime, non-homicide. No one got hurt. No one was injured. However, they gave him 30 years and eight months. So we decided that kind of, you know, it's kind of like the time doesn't fit the crime kind of aspect of thing. And so we decided to start a podcast

and just bringing light to the injustice that, you know, as they say, brown and black people went through when it comes to sentencing by judges. Because, you know, you could find cases where, you know, it was similar and it was someone not of color and, you know, they were given probation. But here he was given 30 years and eight months. So that was the kind of basis that we started the podcast and then things kind of just kept happening my co-host be more her uncle died which was like her father and then we lost some friends to cancer and then she had another best friend died and then my dad died by the end of the year we were just so like done with it we kind of all decided we're not gonna do a podcast anymore you know it just didn't fit into our timetable. But we actually ended up getting a following and people started emailing

and, hey, you know, when are you going to come back on? We enjoy the honesty and the bluntness and those kind of things. So, you know, we all decided, OK, we come back, we're going to come back focusing on mental health. And I felt like, you know, it was like divine intervention with you because you were supposed to originally be on last year, but here it is now that you can open up our second season and we get to talk about mental health. Totally. Right. And how you're just like bettering yourself. And I bring that up because, you know, it seems like you kind of went through a little bit of everything. You went through like the trauma, the assault, you know, just being forced to raise up at such an early age.

I mean, you were kind of on your own by the age of 16, right? Yeah. Yeah. And it surprised me now looking back at how little guidance I had and how, I mean, I navigated terribly, but I have to see now is like, I navigated exactly how I was supposed to. Right. So, and one of the beautiful things about getting to this side of that story is that now I get the moment to pause and look back and be like, holy crap, girl. Right. Like, you are resilient. Like, there's just like almost like a sense of love, like going back to that girl and be like, man, the odds were well, well against you. Right.

You know. We're stacked against you, as they say. Right. And then to be like on this side and be like girl you you have made it you've arrived and I think the most awesome part about it is it's like it's a spiritual arrival you can't buy this you cannot create I mean it's like this is heart and soul these are real deal tears I mean I have chills all over my body but it's like this amazing ability to like look back and be like, I am strong, you know, like I can. And then I think now, too, is like when I when I see other people like, you know, crossing that bridge, we'll say, you know, we get over there and I go back over that bridge over there and I talk with them a little bit.

And kind of like we do. Right. Like we have that language of the heart, you know, and we talk about our heart and we talk about like, you know, being in complete despair. And I mean, at the bottom, my God, I bounced on that bottom a couple of times, you know, and then to have eight words to get that next foot in front of the next one and the next one. I mean, it's almost like I have this cure for cancer. Like I have the experience of that tool, right? And it's almost like I have this cure for cancer like I have the experience right and it's so

rewarding and it's it's just as challenging I think being on this side as it was over there right there I just didn't even realize I was fighting as hard as I was like now I realize I can tell when I'm going against the grain or you you know, but it's, it is, it's just this real calming, loving feeling of like, I now have purpose. I have purpose. No matter, no matter if I die tomorrow, I've, I've, I've given back. Right. And I don't, I could have ever bought that, that feeling.

Right. Or, and the people we connect with around the world. Exactly. Again, a little itty bitty town in the Midwest. I mean, now I touch hearts. Right. And it's pretty awesome because, you know, I always like when you said your book is dedicated to that one person all the way in the back of the room. You know, a waitress holding a tray.

All the noises around her. She can't hear herself think. No one understands her. This book is for her. Yes. And you know, what's really interesting is that, you know, that is exactly, that was the focus on this book, right? Is to talk to that girl in the back, in the back of the room. But it's amazing i have had of course men are like well why does it have to be women only right and i was like right and so now we're feeling left out like guys no that's not that's not what i meant and then too it's like the parents the parents of girls like me right and better yet now the husbands of the one who's gone through this so once again like sources like girl you just focus on the dot in front like you just focus on

that right and all of the miraculous shit forms excuse me stuff forms around me that I don't know like you know saying shit with spirituality I don't know, like, you know, saying shit with spirituality. You know, sometimes it's like, should I do that? Look, our podcast is called These Fucking Feelings, so I think we're good. By the way, that could not be more...

That name right there tells you that this is the most raw and authentic podcast out there. Exactly. Yes, yes. We're stabbed by jewels. You know, it was something too that you said, I was watching another podcast and, um, and, and you were on it and someone asked about your drinking problem and you said it wasn't a problem. It was the solution. And that just rung with me. I was like, wow. Yeah. That's pretty deep. Right. And I learned that in the rooms of recovery, you know, everything that I speak of is because somebody else shared that

and I related to it just like you just did. And that's really what it was. I mean, when I would get ready, I would have, you know, that drink right there. And I could literally, it's almost like, you know, as women put makeup on, we like, you know, transform and become like, you know, this amazing, beautiful, beautiful woman. And this liquid also did that too. And so it was almost like I became whoever I needed to be, which ultimately kept all of that stuff down and out of sight, right? And then it also made me just blend in with everybody beautifully. I was the life of the party. My emotions were in check. I mean, it was totally my solution. Right. Right. And when you say it like that, it of like just changes like now i'm waiting

to hear somebody say something i'm like no that's not your problem you know right it's like just and just hearing you said it changed my mindset on you know i have family members who are addicted to drugs and you know have used heroin and you know i I, for the last two years since COVID, have been, I'm going to say, addicted to marijuana. I just recently, say two weeks ago, I stopped. It was kind of a flaw. Like I was tired one day and just didn't feel like rolling up. I was too tired to roll up, you know. And I realized when I woke up the next day, I felt different.

So I said, okay, I'm not going to smoke again today. And then I felt even better. And now it's been two weeks and I haven't had any marijuana. And I'm like, has this been my problem these last two years? I see it as the bandaid though too, right? Like maybe these last two years, that was supposed to be exactly that way. Right. Maybe you needed it for the last two years, you know. And that's another thing, too. I think so many times I've really had to unlearn what society sees as the norm. Right. Right. And so, you know, some people be like, oh, my gosh, you know, that's in the past. Just leave it in the past. It's like, you know what? First off, I cannot leave it in the past. It's like, you know what? First off, A, I cannot leave it in the past.

It's a good portion of my life. But also it's like, okay, can we just turn into this and really appreciate? Right. Like the ego, right? We're always talking like, check your ego, check your ego. Well, when I look back, my ego, that bratty, bitchy woman saved my life. Definitely. She would not allow me to settle. We were not sticking around. This was BS. I mean,

that I would, I would not be here if she did not exist. That part of me didn't exist. Right. So I've really just learned to appreciate, you know, just like when we ride a bike, right? We fall, we bleed, we scream. I can't. Your mom's like, picks you back up, says, yes, you can. No, I can't. You know, fast forward, the training wheels come off. Now you're riding your own bike. I mean, it's part of the journey. So I cannot like have regret over things because that's exactly the way it was supposed to happen.

Right. And I think that's what I'm learning now, basically, not to have the regret. Because I'm actually a cancer survivor. So I've been in remission three years now. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty cool. But COVID hit. And I was so terrified of getting sick again that I became a hermit.

I just stayed in the house. I worked. I didn't talk to nobody. Nobody would come see me. And I think I started falling into depression. And actually one of my doctors recommended marijuana and they prescribed it to me. And I was like, cool. And I started to realize that it made my mind escape. But then I wanted to escape all the time. So I would wake up and smoke and go to sleep and smoke and in between smoke.

And then I'm realizing like, I don't remember anything really for the last two years. It's like I escaped a little too much. But maybe it saved your life. Right, right, right. And we wouldn't be here on these fucking feelings. Exactly. So look at it that way, right? Yeah, definitely. And that's what I'm doing. I'm coming to terms with kind of like,

I feel like I'm growing in my own spirituality. And, you know, it's like, because, you know, I always think about, you know, people be like, who are you to have a podcast? And I'm like, I'm a person, you know, who has a plethora of experiences that I know that someone can get something out of.

Totally. Totally. Especially when you're being in like that isolative state. Right. And then to with people, that's got to be black and white. It is. It really, really is. And now I'm learning. I'm kind of fearful of like going out and stuff. But, you know, like, OK, wear a mask wear a mask or... I don't know. I finally got to the point where I was like, I might as well just go ahead and get it already. Just get it out of the way. Just go ahead and get it and face my fear of having COVID. But when you go through something like cancer, it's like you never want to be sick again. And if there's something I can do to prevent myself from being sick, then that's what I want to

do. But I'm realizing I don't have a life now. You know, I don't, I alienated all my friends. I kind of alienated my family, you know, and it got to the point where people stopped reaching out because I wasn't reaching back out, you know? So now I'm kind of starting life, I'm going to say over in a way, but you know, now I'm becoming more social and stuff again and trying to pick up maybe where I left off two years ago. But I have to realize that I can't do that either. It's a different time. It is. Everything is different. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's the balancing. When I got sober, I mean, like I said, we took that bandaid off. Right. And there you are in the raw, vulnerable, exposed. I mean, it is like tacks flying in the air at you when, you know, like

an emotion flares up. You're like, I don't even know what to do with this. It's overwhelming. I mean, I would take the pain off the wall. I mean, it was like I was so enraged. But what I learned is that a lot of that Band-Aid was keeping stuff down. So doing it in a little bit more preventive measures. It was like when it was gone, then I went in there. I went into that scary space. And I started to poke around and I started to look at the emotions and why they made me feel the way I did and really whose belief system was that? And I think that's where I could really recreate, you know, like, you know, like that had to happen. It's not a bad thing.

Right. You know, and then to kind of get in there and see, and then, and also give me a sense of understanding, like, okay, yeah, you rage and you have a short temper because you're a child of trauma. You are carrying around. Give me one moment. I think she's at the door. Excuse me, one second. Okay. Sorry, she finally made it We're sorry Look, we keep it real As you say here on these

Fucking feelings podcast Okay Hello Wow Feelings Podcast. Okay. Hello. Wow. You are amazing. She just flies in, laughing. It does seem that way, yes. I was telling her, I said,

yeah, she was in Dubai. She had to go through customs. Yes. Customs was nuts, but there's something about a global entry that's $100 for five years. And I would not make that mistake again. Yes. It's well worth the money. Yes.

Look, I apologize for cutting you off. Sorry. It's her fault. No. The kid was not letting me in the door. I don't know why. But anyway. So now going back to your story a little bit. So when was it that you realized that you needed to change?

I didn't. I didn't have that. And I think that is another example of how programmed I was for the environment I was brought up in again drinking wasn't a problem I left relationships well because of course they fill in the blank right so it never even realized that there there was a problem and something had to change but I didn't know that I was tired of being tired I was tired of starting over like I at the end I moved 13 times in like three years that's like once every 12 weeks right so that I started to get tired of being tired and so actually the turning point was I was in a relationship with a girl in Texas she was off to work on a Sunday I was hanging out with some friends of

course Sunday follows Saturday night. And so we were in the car and I just nonchalantly said, I just, I wish I didn't drink so much. And little did I know that two women in the front seat, they were both in recovery. And so I joke that, you know, their little ears go up like antennas. But I mean, it's like the real moment of like this huge, like, you know, like you take a corner quick, right? That G-force. We're like, like, that's how life changed. And it was like within a 30 minute window, I was sitting in the rooms of recovery in Dallas, Texas. And that moment, I didn't know that I had a problem. I didn't know where the fuck I was and why people are all, this is gross. I don't like any of you. I'm not like any of you

because, you know, as an alcoholic, I'm a much finer drinker. Right, right. I know my sister used to always say, she was like, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings. Like, we need to categorize us. Come on. We're delusional, period. And so, you know, I got in that room, and it was surreal. Because it was the first time I had cried in probably, I don't know, seven, eight years, 10 years. I mean,

I had no idea really what was happening to my body. Like emotions were coming up. I was crying. I'm amongst strangers. Why should I feel comfortable here? Yet I feel extremely comfortable here. That was the first recollection looking back at where I realized that my source, that God that we talk about or higher power or divine is everywhere. Even in that moment in my life, the armor was like thick on this, right? I was a warrior. I was fighting for my life. And even at that degree, source was able to bring these people together in order to create this space that could permeate that. It's impossible. So that day was the first day.

And the next day. And the next day. And like I said, I was raw. I was a mess. I was inappropriate. I was a mess. I was inappropriate. I was promiscuous. I had a mouth on me like a sailor. I mean, I got off the battleground.

I mean, there was nothing that you see right now that was in that first month. It was a totally different. And I'm grateful to say that in nine days, I will celebrate 15 years of that day after day of not drinking. And trying a different way. Trying a different way than putting that Band-Aid on. That is amazing.

It's a lot of work. Right. Getting sober, it's not for the weak that's how I'm gonna ask you like how was the struggle like in the beginning from like wanting to be here but not wanting to be here like yeah was it a constant battle it's yeah it's kind of like this duality right because in my ego and my mind it's like what the hell are you doing like these are not your people I I mean, come on. I'm in Dallas. These are clearly not my people. Right. And so, but then there was something inside of me that just, you know how it is when you like have that yearning, you're like,

I need to go back there. It's like, like you want to be there. And you know, the women who actually said to me, Jules, we're going to, we'll see you tomorrow. You can come back tomorrow. I've never been asked to come back somewhere at that point, you know? And, and then when I walk in the room as a mess, I was in the foul mouth I had, it's really good to see you Jules. Come sit up here with me. Alice makes me cry right now. It's like, who, where do you find somebody? Where do you find this place?

I am fighting you. I am fighting me and anything. And you see a glimpse within me to ask me to sit next to you. Yeah. Holy shit. Yes, there's a God. Right, right. I was going to say that.

Look, you gave me chills. I know. I was going to say that. Right? I've got them all over. And I think, you know, like as you were saying, like cancer, you just, you go into this space. Right. That you really can't put words to.

Right? into this space that you really can't put words to. And I think in the throes of alcoholism, you go into this space that you really, it's so deep and it's so dark and there are other people there doing the same thing. I don't think that to get to this side, even just to see the light of day, there's this level of gratitude that you made it through. Right. Like, no matter what, it's like, okay, I'm out of that. I never want to go back. Right.

And ultimately, that's the reason why I've not felt the need to put that Band-Aid back on. Or to take that drink. Yeah, right? Because that dark space was so dark that spiritual death was so dying that I'll ever want to go to back to that place now do you ever still crave that physically you know what's interesting i have to tell you christmas is the most glamorous time of the year we have martinis we have wine glasses we have shakers i mean it's like to an alcoholic right it's like

no like my mind will flirt with the idea, like, that's really sexy. Right. But then, but then it's like, there's a difference of, like, craving an escape or craving the alcohol. Right. I've never had that physical taste the alcohol craving. Okay. But I have had the craving, I need to escape. Right. Can I just, can I just, I just want to go away for a little bit.

I don't want to talk to anybody right now. I need to, like, have a day on my own. That's escape. Can I just, can I just, I just want to go away for a little bit. I don't want to talk to anybody right now. I need to like have a day on my own. That's escape for this girl. Right. So, and I do have those days and now I have tools instead of picking up. Okay. Right. Yeah. I actually have a coworker who, um, he was sober from heroin for 20 years. And he was a really bad heroin addict in New York City. And now he doesn't live inside the city. But one day he had to go back to the city for like a meeting or something. And he said as soon as he set foot on the subway, he wanted heroin.

Had been clean for 20 years, never craved it, never thought about it. He said as soon as he was back in his familiar situation familiarity instantly he wanted to light back into your kind of natural habit that you used to you know maintain pretty much he said forget this meeting he got back on his plane and left immediately wow awesome he didn't use no He didn't use. No, he didn't use. It was just so crazy to him that after 20 years, it was still present inside of himself. And all it did was to take him, you know, like that muscle memory, you know, it took him back to the city and living on the

streets and riding the subway and being, you know, sleep on the subway that made him remind him of how good it felt. And he said at that moment, he wanted that feeling again. But now he has a wife and kids and something to live for. So he said he got right back on that plane and just left and said he will never come back to New York City. Yeah. You know, study trauma lives within the muscle, lives within the body.

You know, even if I, like, feel spiritually grounded mentally or, you know, up in my head, I can go to a place or I can smell something that will trigger something within my visceral experience, right? Like, I'll be like, what do you mean that smells good? that will trigger something within my visceral experience, right? I'll be like, what do you mean that smells good? But it's kind of like it's a duality that's going on. And it's amazing how powerful that is.

So what would you think? Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, I was just going to ask. I was just going to say. I'm going to let you talk okay it's important is this a trick no okay um what I've been able to do like as saying like that body and how it's like it has that memory and that drive and what I've done is like in recovery I've been being able to do that's why I can do bodybuilding.

Right. That's so, I've like kind of like recreated that phenomenon. So like, for instance, like when I walk into a gym, my muscle memory or my visceral response is that let's do this. Let's get this done. Right. So it's like, I've learned to play with that. And I think that all comes back to, like, as we were saying a little bit ago, is like being able to take the bandaid off and let's go in. What's going on in there,

right? Doing that inventory, we'll say. But it's very powerful when we use it in our favor. Right. Now you're 40, right, to get into bodybuilding? And you know what? I just wanted to get the cellulite off my legs. I was not going to bodybuilding. And I'm like, here I am. I want arms like yours. No. And so, oh, gosh.

So I went to one of those, you know, bodybuilding gyms. Oh, my God. There's this little white girl in there. I had probably a tint of green to my face. I was so mortified because I had to do these posing pictures. And I didn't even, I've never, I'd never worn a two-piece bikini. You know, I'd learned things from mom about what was acceptable for a woman in her body. And so in the heat of Texas, I'm wearing Spanx underneath blue jeans. I mean, terrible

relationship. And you really weren't, you weren't, what'd you say, you were like 120 pounds at the time? I was the average 40-year-old looking woman. In fact, nobody else, nobody else had that, that thought process except me. Nobody else. And I look at the pictures today. Yeah, she's average. But again, that obsession, that mindset, that wasn't telling me that. So I needed to go in and change that. Right. I used to be really good at going to the gym and go all the time. And then once again, COVID hit and messed up my whole life and I gained 50 pounds. And now I'm kind of like that too. Like I think my breasts are showing, but I, you know, I've lately,

I've been getting back into just walking on the treadmill, going for a walk. So I'm going to start off slowly, but I'm gonna get back into, uh, getting healthy. Um, before here has played volleyball for the last 25 years.

Nice. And that is like, that is like my drug half the time. Like if I don't get my volleyball throughout the week, I'm going to be one like bitchy ass person. Like. Totally. And when I got sober, I had, remember I talked about the rage and all of that, like that the gym is extremely therapeutic especially to my degree right so when i would go in and do leg day i would i i was like i'd leave all that right there right and then i could go into the world i'm exhausted but i'm also pretty level-headed right and so like that became a portion of my therapy is on a physical level. I needed to work through that too.

And now it's just, now it's become an amazing like lifestyle actually. Yeah. I need to get there. I need to get there. I look at your pictures and I'm like, oh my God, I want her arms. So I did want to ask earlier, what I wanted to ask you is what advice would you give someone struggling through the changes of recovery oh yeah those are real um always go back always never like i i always even with the gym i say i go on the days i don't want to go paramount extremely extremely important because even like as you and I were like oh I'm just you know what I really don't feel it I'm just gonna say hmm and so what that does energetically is it just shifts me one more step back one more step back so I will like I can do anything for an hour right so whatever tools that have been working will still work even if you don't feel like it

right right huge because we're but we are taught especially as women we are taught to navigate through our emotions yeah we don't so and i think too like becoming an athlete i had to realize that i'm going to do things even if I don't feel like it. Do the action and the, you know, and then the emotion will follow. Yeah, that is true. We do it the opposite way in normal society. So it's like, you can't think your way out of a thought, right? It's the same thing.

It's like, I cannot like get myself in that feeling of wanting to do something until I do it. And then the feeling will change right so people who are struggling i desperately like just go back you can do anything for an hour sit in the chair don't say a word i know we spoke for three hours before we go to sleep she falls asleep and it drives me crazy i do not like she can lay down and put her head on the pillow and like fall asleep me on the other hand i have to like find my spot make sure the pillow's cool have my leg out you know it's a process you know i have to start going to bed at eight in order to be asleep by eleven you know she goes to sleep at eight she's asleep by eight oh three not all the time sometimes the little minions in my head they start doing this chatter thing and then next thing you

know like i thought about some dumb that i did back in ninth grade or something. And I'd be trying to sleep. And sometimes I'll kind of, it'll seem like I'm asleep, but I'm really awake. It's just that I'm just like, okay, maybe if I close my eyes and hold real still, it'll just happen. Right. That's like the advice in life. Close your eyes and sit real still. Yep. Right. like action that's like the advice in life close your eyes and sit real still yep right so now i wanted to go into this dom femme is that am i saying that right it's like dom or is it dumb is it them oh so it's feminine one more time female dom yes and so it's a family

oh fam dom i knew it was something like that so yeah let's talk a little bit about that i think One more time. Female dom. Yeah, female. And so it's a femdom. Oh, femdom. I knew it was something like that. So yeah, let's talk a little bit about that. I think that's her. Ah, well, then I'll speak your language. You know, actually, it kind of falls under the ideology of women and females as well. Like feminine women have a, not even feminine women, now that I say that, but it has a power about us. We know how to nurture children.

We can bring a family together. We can heal. I mean, we just have these amazing abilities that people today call soft skills. Right. So what it is, is that I think with my upbringing and the exposure I had as a child, both like physically and emotionally, I was able to, as I grew into my, I guess adulthood happened way before that, but that I was able to really hold space for people who had a different experience with sexual energy. Okay. The psyche, you know, we always hear that, you know, sex starts up here in this organ. And so, and keep in mind is my upbringing was all in that vein of sex. So once it no longer became like trauma, I then again used that to my benefit.

And so as a femdom, I then learned how the mind of a submissive male works. And it kind of works on a very old school hierarchy. You know, if we think of like a masculine man, his primary purpose we'll say is to, you know, we're going to build the house. I'm going to provide for you. I'm going to make sure you're safe. Like he's like the lion of the household. Right. And the woman on the other hand, and I'm going very, very stereotypical here. So touch any nerves, just let her roll off let

her off but for me it was like okay but then the woman the woman is the one who can I mean again she can she can nurture she can she's like this one that kind of brings she's the glue that holds everything together right and so as a femdom me knowing my place and knowing his, I am able to go in and relinquish some of that control. Fetishes happen around puberty for boys. And this is where they will, perhaps they'll find a magazine or they'll find their mom's nylons and they, you know, see, you know, Catwoman tying up Batman, you know, and so they kind of reenact some of this stuff. Right. And right.

Time frame. Then this is where that fetish evolves. And so as they grow up, they check all the boxes. I got a wife. I got a house. I got a kid. I'm at the top of the corporate ladder. There's still something missing.

Right. That's something. is this right here. It's like an advanced level of the relationship. So long story short, what it is, is that I have a very high functioning, say an executive level man, and he comes into my space. As a woman, I have a lot of power that I utilize. I no longer bow down.

I am very comfortable telling my man what I need him to do. I'm not mousy. I'm not mousy at all. And so, I'm able then to create this scene, this space for him to relinquish all of those demands

and come in and serve his queen. And there is such a level of reward when a man can provide for his woman, and we'll say for me as a femdom, provide for me that level of euphoria, peace, sexual happiness. It's the epiphany. I mean, this is it, to make a woman that happy. And so amongst different boundaries, right? That's what I will do, is I will bring a gentleman in. I learn about them. I learn about some of the fetishes. I ask inquiring questions. And also, what are they not getting at home that they wish they would. And so they come in and I will provide that space. And so it's totally an energy exchange. It's the dominant and the submissive, the DS, it's the yin and the yang. And it's probably the most

euphoric thing. And I've done drugs. So it's probably the most euphoric thing, even on top of that, that I experienced. Done drugs, yeah. Because what it is, is because the level of vulnerability that has to take place in order for that man to relinquish that amongst, you know, in that arena, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's just raw. It's, it's fragile. It's, you know, and so when you go to that level, the first off, they follow my lead and they'll complete, you know, like they'll do as I asked them to do. And then it's like, I'm able to provide this fantasy we'll say, or this ideology. And then what also happens is I'm able to provide this fantasy, we'll say, or this ideology. And then what also happens is, is that there's this amazing psychological energetic connection that takes place.

It's like on a, on like a soul level. And it's this, it's the most rewarding thing. It's rewarding for me to be able to provide that, but then to be able to have the space where a man can come in and openly and honestly share his sexual desires, his, you know, kink fantasies. We call those men perverts on the outside.

Here, I open the door. Yeah, exactly. We're completely outside of the norm. But really, it's not normal at all. I mean, we're spiritual beings having a human experience.

And if you think, probably, I would have to say, 70% of our being is sexual. But here in the States, we condemn it a lot. Probably, I would have to say like 70% of our being is sexual. Right. But here in the States, we condemn it a lot. And I believe that's why we have people who come out sideways. Exactly. That's why we have our overachievers.

And we have people who make, you know, it's like, and I think that's what it is because we don't get to express our full being 100% openly and I am that space where people can do that that is amazing yes that's her right there I struggle I okay like I kind of want to like fully embrace um like femdom but then it's almost like my pride steps in right and says you shouldn't have to tell him that you know what i'm saying and you know or say what you want or i don't feel like being the strong one because i'm always the strong one all the fucking time i I don't want to do it today. Can you be the strong one? And I just sit over here and have this shit just already, you know what I want and then you do it and I don't got to say nothing, you know? So I struggle with that. It's like communication. I feel like, you know, it's like deeply rooted, you know, it's like the deep root.

But it's I hate communicating sometimes, but I know it's necessary. You know what? There's also the diversity of the masculine and the feminine. And those two energies are pretty much what I described a little bit ago. I know in my days that warrior girl I spoke of, I was completely in my masculine because I had to be, I had to build the house. I had to provide for myself. So, I mean, the idea of getting a pedicure and going to the spa was ridiculous, right? Like that would be stupid. Yeah. See, that is the one thing that I will do is I will make sure I, you know, and some people are like, you spend money to do this. And I'm like, yeah, because this is the one time somebody else does something for me.

You know, I get to sit back and relax and be pampered. And if I can pay for it, then I got to pay for it. Honestly, I never what you just said. I've never in all my 40 years of living actually ever thought of it that way like that's the time the woman gets pampered because they feel like someone else is doing something for me yeah that was kind of deep okay and the queen another way like if you think about like here we have this magnificent woman she's a queen nobody just comes up and touches her. It's an amazing experience to be in her presence. And then to bring her something that makes her smile, makes her happy, well for that, that's keeping me in my feminine. That's me being at the spa. That's me creating something, writing my book. This is definitely my feminine side because I no longer have to be out there, again, building the house and putting a roof over my head.

I've been able to shift into that. But you know what's interesting? Because you say that, you have glimpses of it, yet your ego's like, no, no. My ego is my fighter, right? So I usually fight fearful. And so what I actually had to do, it was crazy. Girl, I'm looking through all, you know, we're always reading books. How do men think?

How do men think? And then one popped up and said, how do women think? And I was like, well, I haven't read that book. And so I looked at the book and I started to identify things that I used to try to minimize. Like that's part of my nature. You know, like when I go into a store or something and I just want to create or better yet, tell a guy I'm going to go spend four hours at the mall. And they are like, you are wasting time. You are not.

You know, it's like they're masculine perspective. But for a woman. That is that that makes me alive as a feminine, you know, being in my feminine energy. I can create. I can kind of flow. I get totally in the feminine. So I would realize that I would minimize that because I was constantly trying to protect myself and provide for myself. So I actually had to lean into the feminine and actually give her a chance because she is not weak.

Miss Jewel shows me that time and time again. She's not weak at all. In fact, she's probably more powerful than the majority of the men. Wow. So that's why I felt a lot of times too is I was always circling the drain, circling drain. Because I didn't know the power I needed was within. And this is on any level, just being married. I had to learn how to allow my husband to open the doors for me, to take the trash out for me. I had to allow myself to be able to let

him be a man. Because little did I know when I was proclaiming my independence and my strength, I was making him small. He wasn't feeling as, as my man. Wow. I didn't even realize I was. And it's weird because it's kind of like what you were saying earlier too. I feel like that's kind of society's fault. And especially when it comes to women, you know, you ask a guy what he's looking for in women. And the first thing he says is strong.

You know, he forgets about all of the feminine nature that you said is natural. But, you know, they don't look for that. I want someone that's strong, who's independent, who got her own. You know, it's like the wrong concept. You know, we need to the wrong concept, you know, you need, we need to embrace people for basically who they are and, you know, kind of mesh in that kind of way. But yeah, that's like a really, really good point. Mm-hmm. You know, I think also anytime something new comes into our existence, it swings way over and then it comes back in the middle and i think like feminine movement right

like we were way over on one spectrum women couldn't even have a bank account in their name they couldn't have real in their name right and then the doors were broke open the pendulum swing way over here women are got you know we've got like mean, we are wearing masculine, like shoulder pads. I mean, we are like my bra, like we smell way over. We got a woman vice president. Exactly. And now look, we've kind of, we're kind of finding this equilibrium where we look at like, I don't know, there's something about her. She's amazing.

Confidence. Men always say, what's sexy about a woman she can look however she can weigh whatever it's the confidence she holds that's sexy right and so it's like i think i'm grateful that this pendulum is kind of coming back in the middle and we're having these me too moments and our eyes are opening and we have presidents like we do so like shit came out into the light so we can look at that right right like oh yep again like me reading what how do women think like oh shit i didn't even know what that was okay not gonna work for us right now i just want to ask before we go when they make this book into a movie i need a small role okay

i want to be like the gas station attendant or something i just need a small role okay i'm asking now because i know what's gonna happen so i'm asking now don't forget I won't. Give me my supporting staff. So now I guess I'm going to have all of your contact information actually is already on our website. But it will be down below right now. And any last words that you have for our listeners who kind of are going through just anything right now? Because it feels like all things are kind of the same, essentially. We're all going through something. Right.

And it's always the same emotion, you know, whether you're sick or whether you're homeless or whether, you know, it's all kind of the same kind of trauma. So I feel like what would be like a generalized advice that you can give to our listeners? You're exactly where you're supposed to be doing exactly as you're supposed to be doing it's part of the big and it releases your heart to hear something like that you know like joking earlier you know like maybe you staying indoors for two years saved your life right exactly maybe so in other words you're you're doing exactly as you're supposed to be doing everything's perfect awesome yeah so pretty cool yeah thank you so much for spending this hour with us

yes and i'm so glad you made it i am too it was rough let me tell you i was on the phone with her i'm like we canceled on her like four times and we can't cancel this time i was like you need to get here and at some point i said listen we just gonna call it what it is i am not getting out of here in time you just go back i'm gonna figure it out we gonna get there and hopefully it's what it's supposed to be i know it just kind of worked out because i was just like no i i this is not gonna happen and it was supposed to be a little smoother because i was like i'm gonna leave the car in lock i'm gonna leave the key in the car

so that way you could just sneak in and then you know he don't work i hear a fumbling with the door over like in a profound moment and i'm like would you stop shaking the door i'm trying to listen to jules i know but it was like i tried to text you when you didn't get the text message so i was like let me make a little bit of noise let me try to so he can kind of hear that i'm not struggling and he can just come when he needs to that's why i'm just like yes we definitely you know it's pretty cool so in a few weeks i'm actually uh we have an interview with a sex therapist um and she's actually going to come on and talk about ways that women can have better orgasms oh yeah yeah yeah i'm i'm actually um looking forward to that so it's kind of cool

because it kind of reminds me of uh uh you know it kind of you get your femdom it kind of puts me into like you know demanding like we're going to get this done and you know because nobody's going to know what you want until you tell them right yeah yeah and we have to know what we want in order to tell you then right exactly awesome thank you again thank you so much again for being on I'm going to be in touch Because I want to be in the movie The Making of a Woman You guys go buy it It's on Amazon

I have the link on our webpage You can go straight to the link It's going to take you straight to go buy the book We'll definitely be in touch Best of luck on everything you do We really enjoyed you You enjoyed us And yeah, we'll definitely be in touch and best of luck on everything you do. We really enjoyed you. You enjoyed us. Yes. Welcome home. Thank you so much. All right, guys. Next time we're out. Bye.