These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Episode 203: Interview w/ Rebecca Heidt - Author of Acceptance; The Beginning

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

Send us a Text Message.Join us as we talk with Rebecca Heidt, we take a look inside her LGBTQIA fiction book which focuses on acceptance. We talk about her struggles, her pain, her dark days, and what it took to survive them all and write "Acceptance - The Beginning" book one of a three-part trilogy. We even get to talk about her own EPIC coming out story... Tune In! Watch and listen closely, you won't be sorry! This is mental health awareness at its finest moment. #podcast #fyp #foryourpage...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat the session begins now well well well you have us here the fucking feelings podcast i'm one of your hosts be more and i am christian and we got a guest with us today. I got your book, The Art of Acceptance, The Beginning. Rebecca Height, how are you today? Good, guys.

I'm fantastic. It's beautiful outside. It's shining. It's beautiful. Took a walk. It's a good Saturday. Good Saturday. Where are you?

Pennsylvania, just outside of Philly. Oh, okay. And you know what? I wanted to go to Philly this weekend, too. We almost came to Philly this weekend. Yeah, no, I would have loved to. I have a four-day weekend, so I didn't want to waste it. I wanted to do something with it. And B-More and I haven't seen each other in a really long time. We got to spend some time with each other because someone decided to move.

Yeah, yo ass. Oh, oh yeah it was me like because someone is so cool so this year for people who don't know we uh we actually this is our second season this year we'll focus on mental health kind of seems how things are going for us each year year we have a different cause. Last year was prison reform. This year is going to be mental health because we realize that we're crazy. And if we can get some free therapy out of it, we're going to do that. So be it.

Because, you know, therapy is expensive. That's actual facts, yeah. I don't know what quarantine what kind of quarantine everyone went through what kind of covid everyone through but i'm sure everyone's on their own kind of level right now right definitely so um and and i say that to say that we're gonna dig into your life a little bit ask you some questions see how you got over some things and just know that you're helping us okay anything too personal is okay for you to tell us it's too personal um be more and i are both uh we say what we think kind of people so it's never to offend anybody it's just that you know we don't

know any better we be having questions and sometimes the brain to mouth doesn't exactly put the filter on it that society requires right let's say it like that and we're expecting to be canceled anytime now okay right hopefully after they see your interview and buy your book. So let's talk a little bit about you. Sure. Go for it. So I, um, there's a lot to unpack here. So, I mean, tell me what you guys want to know. I started in the restaurant general.

I was a restaurant general manager for about 10 years. I switched over to finance. My passion is art, history, writing, like nature. So I definitely found my way back. I'm career driven, but also I, you have to sort of like rediscover yourself when you fall into that like niche where you're like, okay, work, work, work, work. You have to also remember who you are and what you enjoy. So part of that also. So I've been through a lot of unique situations in life, I had a robbery at a store, one of my stores, I was robbed at gunpoint, you know, that sort of spiraled me into an abyss,

made some bad life decisions. I had to get myself out of it. So it's those things when when bad things happen to you. It's all about what is going to help you because you always have that when when something bad happens, you always like, okay, I need to protect myself. And sometimes protecting yourself looks like bad decisions, because you think, oh, well, I'm going to rebel or whatever it is. So it's self-identification and that something's happening. For me, my trauma and everything that I was going through, it was important to realize my triggers, what was making me make those bad decisions when I could recognize when those steps started happening. And when I wrote my book in particular, I just lost four family members at the start of COVID. And so not only

that, I just started a new job. My support system was eradicated. I didn't feel like I had anybody. And so I actually started this book years before, but because of my career, I stopped it. I just put it on the side. I put it on the shelf for years, years. And then that happened and I was listening to music and I was just like, just the storyline came to me. And so it's one of those things

where when reality is too hard, we turn to movies, we turn to television, we turn to music, because that's sort of like an escape. So the book, in a way, was me to express all the things and all the feelings I wasn't sure how to express to other people or deal with um i put it in the book and i built characters i built a world around expectations from the society because you know society has their own unwritten rules like who wrote those rules like right like who's the boss here like what yeah and you know of course you have your family you know they have their own expectations you know, of course, you have your family, you know, they have their own expectations, you know, eldest, middle, youngest child. You know, they made a movie about that. That's a real thing. And and so the book is about how do you keep yourself yourself and still grow and deal with those expectations without losing both. Right, right. And you know what's funny? I learned the most valuable lesson I ever learned about expectations from doing collections.

You know, I was one of those younger people who had multiple jobs, a little bit of everywhere. Yep. And I used to do collections. And I remember calling this woman one time. And my question to her was, when can we expect this payment? And she said, you can expect it anytime you want to and I was like wow it makes so much sense because it showed me that expectation is about me you know when I expect it's like I'm putting the stipulations on it, you know, and how could I ever want anybody to honor my expectations when they're really about me? That's kind of cool.

My little random thing. So I say it's acceptance the beginning. You have your new one is still coming out this year. Yep. So I'm going to finish it at the end of the summer. So it's gearing up to be out i would say about september august september i'm just about finished it um i'm i have there's there's so much in this book you know like when i wrote that one i was like yeah i did a good job when i wrote the second one there's so much

like it's a heavy book but it's such a real book so So when I write, I don't sugarcoat anything. I would almost say the book is maybe for mature audiences, like people that can't handle their emotions and digging into their problems and seeing it written on a page because that's what I do. I don't sugarcoat anything. I'm right. And that was crazy because I was reading your dedication page and it basically said that, like, I dedicate this book to all the humans that are that are dealing with all the emotions of life this is for the struggle to heal and the struggling to find their way through the fog now like where did that come from I I have this um innate need to help individuals like as many people as possible and I've I'm more of an observer um I when I meet people you know I interact and I say okay and I observe how they act and

most of the time they're actually sad or they're upset and they're masking it as happiness or like when you ask someone hey how are you and you? And they're like, yeah, I'm fine, because that's the immediate response, but they're actually not fine. And sometimes they just need someone to say, are you okay, though? Like, are you sure you're right? So when I was writing this, and I didn't know, I didn't want to dedicate it to a specific person um it was important for me to realize that the things i was dealing with not being okay and you know sometimes having bad days having good days also fits other people so i wanted everyone to know that they're not alone by any means so i'm dedicating everyone who's literally trying as long as you're trying you are ahead of the game

all right definitely so now the main character of the book is selena right yes so where you know i don't want to give anything away because people need to read the book and you know when it comes out into a movie watch the movies um and remember we we we want parts in the movie. So remember when they make, you said sure. Yeah. So I, the reason I'm, so I actually want to make this into a movie. I wrote it like a movie. I don't know if anyone's noticed. Some people notice it.

Sometimes they don't. So Selena, what she does is she has unique abilities and she doesn't know who she is and um she knows she's different so she was raised by an uncle but doesn't know anything about her family so pretty much the story is about uh selena wilson and i literally just randomly picked a name by the way there was okay just to be clear no reason behind that um so funny just i was like this name sounds great let's do that uh and um so she pretty much lives her life not knowing who she is and realizing she's different and um figuring out why so it's also an lgbt she's a. Again, I didn't make it about the story

was important not to be about sexuality. I made it like a more general thing that it comes naturally, like it's just a natural thing in the world. So it's literally about her emotions and how she goes through life and figures out how she can do the expectations, not being caught by being different because of her unique abilities that only she knows she's the only one and still remains safe. Right. Now, how much of Selena came from real life? Like, I know you had to build off of some of your experiences.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. life like i know you had to build off of some of your experiences oh yeah yeah so so how much you know what percentage would you say selena came from you know rebecca that's a great question so there's uh i really try not to do that but it's really hard right like let's be honest everything we everything that we do or think about comes from some kind of lesson in our life yeah yeah i know i caught myself um doing a couple of times i was like wait wait wait wait wait so a lot some of it does come from me some of it does come from like so some of the stories or situations i put her in were are like phantom uh things that i went through um i can't i don't want to be specific

it's not always great but but i can say like there are some situations or stories that i tell from other characters that actually i did that i personally. And it was a bad choice at the time. And I was like, you know what, let's just put this in there. And I don't even notice. I didn't even notice it. Oftentimes when we're making bad choices, we don't have time to think of those choices. Right. I'm in it now.

You know, it's really weird. I was having an inter-conversation, you know, me and myself. But I was thinking, like, I'm not all good and I'm not all bad. And if there's like this multiverse out there, you know, I don't even know what to call it, but where somebody's life is replica to ours, but just different. of thing i'm like my person will be like exactly the same because i am equal evil as i am um you know just a great guy i feel like evil is a strong word i know i know but you know i figured if somebody watching it was like yeah he right he was an asshole so you know i just kind of want to you know the way you defended me i wanted them to defend defend me, too. You know, he's not evil. He's just an asshole. Right. You're not evil. Yeah. You're just, you know. Yeah. Right. And I'm really not, Rebecca. I'm a really, really awesome person.

So now you mentioned COVID. So you lost people at the beginning of COVID. Is it okay to ask? Was it from COVID or? Yeah, you can ask. That's fine. I'm pretty open. If you have any questions, please, by all means, ask me. I'm pretty, I'm like no filter. I'll just answer whatever. You're good. Welcome to the club. Welcome to the team. So the individuals I lost, one of them was to COVID. The first one was my stepfather. He technically was right before COVID really hit, literally. So it wasn't, we, maybe, but it wasn't tested. So out of the four that I lost one of them passed from COVID okay

yeah my dad actually just passed in October from COVID and it's like I'm still trying not to be paranoid about it so I'm trying to get back to start living but you know it's kind of hard COVID was kind of crazy but so in during that time, is that kind of when you took the time to finish your book? Or, you know, I know that you probably went, like you said, everybody else who went through such craziness during that time. You know, so how was like your COVID experience? So what it what it was, is I was working full time. And so anytime that I wasn't working, I was working on this book or i was listening to music it's because you're home you really don't have anything to do i wasn't

really into the tvs um when i started digging into this book i i'm a video gamer i'm a gamer i'm a huge gamer and i also was watching a lot of movies but I cut all of that out temporarily so I could focus all on you know building this because it meant so much to me so when I spent a lot of time outside and sometimes I would just stare at the screen and nothing would come out like I'm like okay I need to write this and I'd be like for an hour just staring at the computer screen and be like I did nothing like this is so unproductive this sucks and you know that's part of the process but I have my animals here um my now wife she was working so it was it was me and I had my animals and then she would be, and I'd be working on my book.

It wasn't necessarily a burden because a lot of people were like, okay, I'm stuck inside. Right. I can't really go outside. I have a small yard. It's just big enough. Some individuals didn't have a yard. I was very lucky. It wasn't easy.

I also went biking. I started biking 14 miles. I don't know where that came from like how do you even bike for 14 miles you know i don't know like who even knows that it's crazy like who i was during quarantine was like not who i normally am like I got up at 6 a.m I got on my bike I rode to the park on my bike you know in morning traffic and went to the and I was then I got a migraine because I I pushed too hard but yeah I was like who who is this person it's crazy like it makes you a different person it really did it for me it did the opposite my life like completely stopped

i was unfortunately like be more be more as a medical professional um so we didn't have the opportunity of working from home um i actually worked for a sports memorabilia company and you know how important that is people want their jerseys. Damn COVID. Okay. All that stimulus money they were spending for jerseys and sneakers and shoes. So I still had to go to work, but I wanted to stay home. I wanted to be a hermit. So all I did was work home, work home. But if you know me outside of that, I was a pretty, I used to go to the gym, kind of pretty outgoing, always willing to go out. And now here it is two years in and I'm like, I don't want to go nowhere. I don't go to the gym kind of pretty outgoing always willing to go out and now here it is two years in and I'm like I don't want to go

nowhere I don't want to do nothing I gained 50 pounds yeah it almost like groomed us I definitely feel like COVID groomed us to not want to like you said leave

your house or interact with people anymore like i don't know about you guys but when i go out to a group of people i don't know how to socialize anymore i'm like that awkward wallflower and i'm like hey y'all like how are your plants doing are they still alive like what's going on yeah yeah I felt like it did it messed up like people's social maturity in a way I don't even like being that close to

my thing is I avoid because I don't because I'm in the medical professional like I know like things so like we're all in a group and we're all just breathing and shit I'm like holding my breath every couple minutes like wait uh-uh he just took that that was too big of a breath out

hold your breath hold your breath and it's like i'd be subconsciously just holding my breath for no particular reason during conversations amongst close you know encounters or whatever and it's like yeah it's horrible i have a cousin rebecca it must be something about rebecca's but we you know we can go out in public and like she'll turn around like six feet you know or we're like chill no there's tape on the floor he sees the tape on the floor he needs to follow the tape and i'm like you move from take the tape or from circle to circle like she is serious and nobody gives a fuck about that shit no more. And that's what be getting me.

That's what be getting me. I'm like, so COVID is still a thing. Why the fuck can I read? You know what I'm saying? Can you read what's on my computer, you know, my phone or whatever? Because you that goddamn close. Like, back up, people. That is too.

It's crazy because personal space was big for me like when strangers for example walmart lines i i don't know the you know and they're right there and they're like yep the cart is directly against my legs in the south checkout and i'm like but now i have sort of almost an excuse to to additionally tell them to get away from me personal room yeah why are you this close like you shouldn't like i should be able to turn with my elbows extended and like this at least and right you know and not hit nobody like you shouldn't be that close i'm cool with you being that close as long as you pay for my groceries if you're gonna be in my personal space If you're going to be in my personal space. If you're going to be in my shit, be in my shit. Right. Right. So, so back to your book real quickly. So it is called acceptance. So is that

because it's a big, a big part of it is like an acceptance story or, um, is it, and then I guess with that question, I'm sorry, I got like like firing questions is it about acceptance itself or acceptance from outside both it's actually both so the idea behind it is accepting yourself and your emotions uh and you like the emotions you can't stop them by trying to stop them it creates chaos later which is sort of where random outbursts occur uh and unusual like flailing of arms and yelling happen uh but also acceptance that you know when covet happened and outside world events are going on that we don't like uh accepting that that is complete all right guys sorry about that we had some technical difficulties so we are here with rebeccaight, the author of Acceptance, The Beginning. It's a three-part trilogy. New book should be out sometime this year.

And we were actually just talking about the acceptance part. We're going to go into that because we don't know how much of it you guys got. But my question was when she talks about acceptance in the book, is it more of an inter or outer acceptance right so it's um so it's for both so the acceptance of self is um the emotions that you're feeling if a situation occurs and you just uh you can't stop feelings from arriving like they're just they're like your soul like pretty like pretty much just attached to you but if you try to push down all those unnecessary feelings they're gonna pop back up later and that's sort of where all the chaos comes from random outbursts you know when you just go off your rocker randomly for

hitting your elbow on a wall for no apparent reason it's like all these things pop up accepting the feelings as they're happening so you can continue on with your life and building what you're trying your future and what you're trying to do um also acceptance of the outside world in the sense of when events are happening that that you can't control or you don't like instead of it getting you angry the outside force in the world doesn't know you're angry like it doesn't it's not going to affect you being upset about it isn't going to affect it so there's you have to accept that there's no control in the i mean obviously with certain things you

can vote and stuff like that but you don't have control you know across europe or whatever you have no control over that right you just have to accept it and then say, okay, if I ever encounter the situation or what can I do to help? That's different. You know, that's different. And where, where did you learn about control? Like when was it your moment that you realized I just need to have more control or I don't have so much control right it's it's a constant thing for me um I can give this advice but I am often like I'm still dealing with it so in particular when I was robbed at gunpoint um I was very much smiling out of control. And I had to, I never went to therapy. You know, it was very, I had to go on this journey by myself.

And people were trying to help me from my outside support. I had to recognize that, A, people that I thought were my friend were not my friend. And they were intentionally trying to manipulate and hurt me um that's their problem that's not I can tell them no but they are not going to change even though I'm telling you there's a problem and you're not doing it so me recognizing that I am worth more than what they're telling me I am because they don't define how I feel about myself. So I learned that. I learned that if a bad situation happens to you, like the robbery in particular,

there was nothing I could do to fix that. It happened. I just have to ride out the feelings when they come out. And then whenever that happens, and go paint or something if I have some difficulty. And then, of course, quarantine and all the events in the world like the world's sort of spiraling um definitely definitely yeah and it's just all i can do is support the people that are suffering around me and extend help out when i can but the at the end of the day, you can't pour from an empty cup.

Like if you are out of energy and someone is taking all of your love and you're giving up all your love and you have none for yourself, you can't help yourself because it's sort of like, you know, airplane, you know, put the air on yourself and then help the other people. Right. I don't know. I know if airplane go down, I'm getting whatever oxygen mask fits me and blowing the most air. I don't care who got it first. I'm letting y'all know now. All right,

TSA, leave me alone now. So it's, it's pretty weird though, because we have a, a friend of ours last year, people heard a lot from dream child. He's incarcerated.

And he is like, he's been gone since he was 15, 20 years. It's kind of, it's crazy because it's, he was at the other end of the gun that robbed you, basically. You know? And so it's pretty unique to know who he is and then to see how much your life spiraled out of control because of that. Of the actions of somebody else, yeah. And yeah, and it's like I never, I feel for him because he was convicted at 15.

It was a little different. It was a carjacking, but still at gunpoint. He was 15, probably influenced by friends, those kind of things, and they gave him 30 years and eight months. And, you know, for a long time. Even to say it out loud like that 30 years i know for carjacking it's it's pretty crazy and for so long you know we go through this kind of like oh my god that's crazy it's not fair but now listening to you and it's like we got the book and listen to your story and how much you spiraled out of control by that is like, wow, I don't I don't give that side of the gun any kind of thought whatsoever. You know, it's like I never like I told you in the beginning you was going to teach me something.

And here it is. You're teaching me something because i've been mad at this court system forever and even though he served 22 years now so i'm gonna stand by by the fact that i feel like he has paid for what he did as a child you know as a child was it wrong no yes it was wrong he understands it however i never considered the family that was on the other side of that gun until this moment and listening to your story and you're talking about how much it. Children's National Hospital in Washington, D.C. improves children's health by developing better treatments and technologies. Ranked number five in the nation, we take on the most complex, rare and life-threatening conditions because all children deserve a healthy future. Learn more at Children's National dot org slash innovation. Calls you to spiral, you know, and it's it's weird because I've been at gunpoint before, but that was kind of the life I kind of grew up in, in a way.

You know, inner city kids. We from New York. You know, so it was like, things happen. I didn't spiral that much. You know, to me, it was like, just an everyday kind of thing, you know, and then here it is, listening to your story. And it's like, you really seem like you went through it. It's like, wow, have I been looking at this the wrong way all these years? You know, it's's like never once did i consider what anybody went through on the other side of the gun that he had because i didn't i didn't anticipate it happening um you know i was there doing a job he was at my work um i was i think it

obviously took me by surprise but to be fair i also as soon as i realized what he was doing i was like i looked him in the face and i like, is this the life choice you want to make right now? Like, I'm giving you one second to decide. I gave it. So I wasn't necessarily pissed that it happened. I was pissed that he chose the wrong thing. Right. Because I literally gave him a choice.

I was like, okay, so I'm not an easy person always. So like, especially when someone's trying to come at me, I get to, you know, like fight or flight. And I'm like, I'm going to probably fight you. Like, this is a choice. And I gave him a choice and he chose to continue. Yeah. And it's crazy. And it's because in doing and making his choice,

he took so many of your choices. Yep. Yes. And that's why I was upset. Yep. It's like, it's, you choice, he took so many of your choices. Yep. Yes. Yep. And that's exactly. Yep. It's like, it's, you know, it's, you know, like rape is, you know what I'm saying? It's yeah.

Somebody taking that, you know, you're like, listen, no, I don't want to do this. Oh, you're going to make me do what you want me to do. Oh yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So now in making, you know, after that, did you start going into your making bad decisions? Was it at that time? And I felt like the choices were taking away from me.

So I have a difficulty if people take control away. It's a trigger. Also, I feel like I'm backed into a corner. Definitely. That's a trigger for me. So it's disrespect, like anything disrespecting is backed into a corner. Definitely, that's a trigger for me. So it's disrespect. Like, anything disrespecting is sort of a trigger. So I have to learn to, like, take a breath, like, level myself, and then respond instead of just lashing out. Right. So my personality is if I feel like someone's taking something away from me, like, choice will rebel and i will then break several different um personal rules i have for myself like you know i don't like smoking cigarettes because my my now wife

is allergic to it you know and i would go smoke cigarettes because i would be rebelling against all these rules that are telling me i can't do something but someone already took that away so it's um yeah I know that it was a big control issue it was like you know I'd be damned if y'all gonna tell me I can't smoke this cigarette you know and once again it's because you know at that moment where you're at that gun you realize at that time your choice didn't matter yep you know what you chose did not matter but I know you felt like you never let that happen again yeah absolutely yeah so you were just making choices and you know to most people it seems like you were rebelling or you were going through going

through it or you know making bad the choice just choices but really you were kind of defending yourself like you were you were you of defending yourself. Like you were, you know, it was like standing up for yourself in those choices. You know, I'm making this choice. I'm telling you what I'm going to do. Like in an effort to kind of take some power back. Yeah.

Right. Yeah, what to keep. I don't know if I call what happened power, but it was something. Like you said, she said an attempt at the effort. Yeah, there's a lot more drinking that I should have done. It's a lot more, you know, yeah, absolutely. But it was a lesson learned, you know, like I now know.

Now that I'm older and I went through it and I understand um you know if I if I start seeing those beginning symptoms like what to do I need to redirect uh you know hang out with different personalities redirect me and it's just identifying now right right and and so how long did it take you to get to that point where you knew like okay something has to change um i would say at least four to five years okay it took a while it took a while so i spiraled for almost a year uh i would say a year um and then I started correcting my path a little bit but it was the anger and the outbursts that were harder so like eliminate the um you know the drinking because I drank a lot a lot more than I should have and all eliminating all of that for example so the anger was the biggest thing it was preventing me from being um enjoying my life

really honestly that's what it was doing it was i couldn't i didn't know how to relax i didn't know how to be happy because i was angry all the time and certain things that people were doing were making me angry because i didn't like it or i didn't agree with it or i thought it was disrespectful but you know everyone's raised differently. And I had to remember that. Like, I'm trying to go over here and teach people how to be better people. And they're like, I don't care. And I'm like, you should care. But they don't. They just don't care. Nope. Took me years. That part took me longer. I would say about three years I was dealing with that. Was there ever like a defining moment that made you come into that realization or was it just tiredness or like, you know, what was the epiphany that made you know that? I love that question. That is a phenomenal question. What it was, was actually when you're in that mentality and you're that angry and stressed and tense, it's hard to get out of it.

So I had people I love most in this world come to me and they're like, your anger and the way you're acting is affecting me. So my wife in particular was like, you lashing out at me is hurting my feelings. Like she would tell me over and over and she would keep telling me until I understood. So I realized that I, she was worth it more to me than holding on to that past. Okay. So our future together was more, more important. So then I learned to let things moral compass. You know, when I try to keep control over every single thing, I'm no longer considering morals

or just how to be a good person. It's mostly about that control. It seemed like finally your moral compass kind of came in there and said, Rebecca, chill out. Hey, get your shit together, girl. What are you doing? Right, right.

Get it together. You got people here that love you. You can't control somebody else's love. That's the thing that I think all of us learn, good or bad. You cannot control love. Yeah, that definitely cracks it. I think it's so important. What you said was so important.

You can't be in control of everything all the time. It exhausts you. You can't sleep. And then you all the time it exhausts you you can't sleep and then you're just angry because you're exhausted and then you're also angry because of all the control but being in control of something all the time is not healthy right hey absolutely she's describing you be more do it get it get it no-Boar is a bit she's a man I don't know

another way to say it she is a man I'm sure there are other ways to say it she's masculine no I'm just joking sometimes he deems my actions and how I respond to situations more on how men would respond versus women.

Right. She has very masculine attributes. And I think that it surrounds control a little bit. Now that we're talking about this, Rebecca, come on. I mean, I'm not saying it don't. Now she about to help B-Boar out. I am well aware of my control issue, okay? I am well aware.

I am. It was even more confirmed because I was supposed to go on this little, not really like a little road trip, but two of my friends were coaching in this volleyball tournament that was going to be in Kentucky or some shit like that. So I was like, he was messaging me about, you know, when we doing this and, you know, blah, blah, blah, the times and all that stuff. And he was like, well, I already told such and such that Brandy likes to be in control. But I was like, for somebody else to recognize it, it was kind of like, oh shit. But I have a fucking reason because if I don't control the situation, then when whatever fucked up happens, I can't be mad at nobody else. It is only on me.

If I fucked it up, then I fucked it up. But I can't be upset if somebody else fucked it up, because then I'm like, see, I should have did that shit myself and I'm be mad. So, yeah, I get that so there's a definitely a fine line between control being assertive and also being a powerful entity so uh I've been a manager for a very long time for different companies and um there is definitely a fine line between people being intimidated by a powerful force to be reckoned with especially in a female entity um that so it's like being female but also having masculine energy right right but you're being powerful so so there's definitely a line between assertive and making sure everything stays on track and etc etc and also being in control and being unhealthy

so it's I mean I'm not a person to say okay you're one or the other like you know we all have our self-diagnosis whatever but i can understand that because i led teams and they were like you're coming on too strong like am i coming on strong or do you not like authority there's a difference like there's a difference and she said powerful being even though when you gave your list i was i thought she was gonna say and being a bitch but no you said powerful entity and I said you know what that's what she was about to say because what people would say

is a bitch really is just someone exerting their power because we all have power but that's what society teaches us that that's a bitch yeah there's a fine line I mean it you know everyone each their own but i was um told that several times in my career but i would have to think about you know am i actually being a bitch

or bitchy to someone or am i holding them accountable and they just don't like it right usually it's they just don't like it it's's like you can call somebody out. They're going to get defensive about it. And then it's going to be like, oh, you're being a bitch. No. But did what I said happen? Right. I don't know. It's pretty weird for me because I I gave up power a long time ago to cancer. I'm a cancer survivor. But when I went through my battle, it was, you know, it came to a point they told me I had like a 7% chance of living. And I realized that no person could do anything worse to me than what my own body was doing. You know? And I mean, and they can.

But, you know, if I'm trying to kill myself, can I really fault someone else for trying to kill me? You know? And I know it sounds weird. Right? Oh, God. But. I mean. I just be hating his choice of words sometimes.

That's what be getting me. He know what I'm upset about. It's always his choice of words sometimes. That's what be getting me. He know what I'm upset about. It's always his choice of words. Like you could have said if somebody wanted to trip me, you know what I mean? And you know what I'm saying? Like, why did it have to be so extreme? Because that's what, that's, that's who I work.

I always deal with the extreme. I have to know the worst possible that can happen. I agree. I agree. And honestly, it I have to know the worst possible that can happen. I agree. I agree. And honestly, it's crazy because you kind of just said it yourself. You're kind of always expecting the worst because you have to be in control in case something fucks up. Which means you're expecting it to

fuck up in a way. I am expecting the possibility of some shit getting fucked up. However, I would like things to go great. But, in the back of my mind, I be like okay so what are this what things could happen all right i'm out here walking along the street all right so wait this car right here wait do they got their lights off can i see who in there are they about to shoot me let me get you know what i'm saying so it'd be like but no but it's you know weird because i

guess what i was trying to say was that I'm usually more compassionate to people. You know, I realized that once I gave control over to my cancer, I didn't worry about having it no more. Okay. I couldn't control anything. My body was going to do what it wanted to do. It was either going to fight itself. You accepted it, right? I accepted it, right? Get the book, y' fight itself you accepted it right i accepted it right get the book y'all

i accepted it my body was gonna do what it wanted to do but it also showed me that there's always more going on than meets the eye so that applied to other people i don't know what internal struggles they're going with i don't know what internal dalmatians they're going through. So can I really be mad at them for what they do to me? Yes, I can. What does it matter? But what does it accomplish? Right. You're going to be mad and you're using up that energy.

They're not. Right. So what I realized where I controlled didn't matter, having a voice mattered. So cancer gave me a voice, but it made me realize that control is kind of a non-existent thing, you know, because I can only really control myself or lead myself. You know, and it's those choices that is going to take me where I want to go. And maybe I'll run into somebody else and their bad choices, but their bad choices are just that their bad choices. It's not a reflection of me. I'm gonna start preaching to y'all now.

That's exactly it. That's exactly how I feel. 100%. That's 100% how I feel. See, see, so I was describing Rebecca for you guys. Well, you know what?

I can't even lie. I haven't finished reading the book because when we decided to come back with our podcast, we decided to invite all authors for the show and everybody got a book and I had to read them all.

So I'm not finished. But when I am finished, I'm going to let you know what I think. Cool. I'll hear it. Absolutely. So cool. So any i had it and i lost it it was like right there it was so close it was you're probably

gonna say any advice general you know advice that you would like to give to the people out here that may not have read your book um let's see like about the book or like so i could go into that so i want you to give people advice look now now that you got me started i got here i'm about to give you these 10 questions in a row okay so number one is because you said the book was a long time in the making and i know a lot of people out there that want to be writers and books have been in the making i'm one of those people i always say i'm a really good writer but i don't like editing and that kind of stuff so where i'm good with words i don't want to read back over this shit i know that's right so that's where i mess up at.

But there's people out there that are like me whose stories need to be told or who have a story in them that need to be told. To me, this was a necessary story. You know, even though it's not for children per se and not this one. You said it's more of the second one, correct? Yeah. I mean, I'm rating them all above 18 just to be safe just to be on the safe side but to me it was a good kind of you know coming out story as far as just in life you know um so the advice that you would give to an arthur

and then an advice you would give through working through just adversities attacking you in the midst of trying to do something yeah uh those are good things to talk about so as an author um you have to again accept that there's going to be barriers that you did not anticipate so anytime i came up a barrier so i'm talking like isbn numbers, financing for these things, you know, you have to find someone about the book cover specifications to upload them. Does the book cover fit? Is it gonna not work? You know, because every program has its own. And I ran into a lot of issues, technical stuff, and the editing. I use a program. It's called Grammarly.

So anyone who hates editing, you're still going to have to read it. But you're still going to have to. It's not going to edit itself. I write like I talk and it took some of my words away because it's all like, this makes no sense.

Grammarly, it's free. It edits a lot of it for you, but for the finer points, get a friend and family. A lot of things that I did was I reached out to groups that had writers in it. I asked my friends and family to help me out getting over some of the hurdles. I did a Kickstarter. So anyone literally besides me that wants to help invest in my book financially could give me money. And then I would say, okay, for you giving me money, you'll get a free book when it's done. Or I'll mention you in the dedication page or, you know, stuff like that. So Kickstarter programs, there are ways to go

around the barriers. You just have to think outside the box. Don't give up. Don't give up. So giving up is where dreams die. Right. So if you're writing a book and you're like, this is hard or it's too long or it's taking me too long. Okay, then dedicate an hour a day to work on it, whether editing, writing, working on marketing things, working on whatever it is, anything dedicated to the book. So put time aside. That's my first thing. So if you're running into issues, fix it because you're the only one that's going to do it. No one's going to help you. Nothing.

You have to do it. That's the first thing. The other thing is that not everyone's going to like your book you write it you love it this is your child not everyone's going to like it and you're going to have to be okay with that i had someone read it and absolutely freak out at me because i'm pretty sure it wasn't said directly but i'm pretty sure because it's um there is a slightly graphic scene in it which is why it's rated m that's part of the reason why i did that it's not too graphic but for me but for some people it is

like for some people it's just too much and i think some people are always gonna have something to say the cover the cover is too green right like i don't like the cover well tough shit like it's on it's on so many books now like you know what i mean like yeah so it's you have to accept that not everyone's gonna like it even though you love it they might might not. And you said, okay, well, thank you for your opinion. And continue on what you're doing. It doesn't have to affect you. Right. Right. Okay. Now, I guess a little more personal.

What was, like, your coming out story? Like, did you go through family drama? That is a train wreck. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about that okay my coming out story is um I was like 16-ish or so and I did not think that I

was gay I did not think that I was a lesbian um well I would say bi I don't know whatever I'm like I like personalities so it's not necessarily gender it's like I like personalities I like people I like energy I'm an energy person so that's what you call it that um so I I swore to my friends um that I was not gay and they're like honey you're gay how you gonna tell me because they were also gay so i was like making more gay friends you know that person in the group that they're like no i'm straight and then they're actually not right yeah that was me and then so I finally came out to them and they're like see we told you but so like coming out to the rest of the world was harder because you know the world

and when I was a senior in high school for some reason I was like you know what for my senior year I'm gonna come out to the entire school because there's not a really a lot of gay people and I want to do this so my personality went to one of my classes and we made a book cover and we're like okay right on the book cover and then we presented it to the class what's on it. And I wrote some rainbows and I drew a box and a box of like jacked up lines. And I was all like, so this is everyone else. And then this jacked up one is me. And this rainbow is because I'm gay. And I came out to the entire class as a social experiment to see how fast it would go through the school.

And it took two and a half periods and by my friends were like uh Becca did you did you tell the whole school you were gay and I was like uh yes I did they were like you could have warned us man I was like, sorry. So now. Just rip the bandaid off, huh? Yeah. I was like, oh my gosh. And then people in my class are asking me questions and they're like, wait a minute. And I was like, oh, it's over now.

I can't even lie. That's a pretty epic coming out story. Let me know. That is. It is. That is. That is a very good coming out story. It is a very good coming out story. It is a very good coming out story.

I'm going to just tell these couple people and let the rest happen. So that was a smart way to do it. You didn't even have to put that much effort out there. You know, you just rolled the wave. Yeah. I was like, it will spread. I wonder how quick it will come back to me. It was pretty quick. It was pretty quick. I told my mom and I was like 18. It was pretty quick. So funny. I told my mom when I was like 18.

And I was like, Ma, I'm gay. And she was like, I know. And I was like, what do you mean you know? She was like, I knew when you was in my stomach. Things quick your mom say. We all have a joke that I didn't kick her. I was like, eh. That was so funny. Because she knew when I was in her stomach. i'm like that's pretty rude to say like i

want to know what i did in your how you know before me right was i over there look was i in there having balls and shit before you know i was in there doing that dead drop that everybody do the death oh lord yeah i know what I'm talking about. The death drop. See, Rebecca, it's comments like that. This is the reason why we're going to get canceled. No, you got to do it, son. So, go ahead.

You know, I was going to say, I think the world needs more, like, unsolicited advice. And also, like, the real talk. You talk you know like there's a lot of masking like you guys bring the real men i think it'll do just fine yeah it's in the name these fucking feelings we talk about all these fucking feelings and we have a lot of them so a lot of them acceptance the beginning rebecca height um All of the contact information is below. I got my book from Amazon. Not promoting Amazon, promoting the book. Right.

Right. And we're going to look forward to your second book coming out. Absolutely. And it should be out end of August, beginning of September. Okay. Cool. Maybe we can schedule another you know interview talk about that book release yeah yeah absolutely that's when the real stuff

is gonna be coming around because it's hard not to like talk about the book without spoiling it but by this time you know like you'll it's it's like the stepping stone. And then the real things are going to hit the thing. That's where it's going to be. So like this book is just like the first time you go to a gay club. Yeah. The next book is when you come as a drag queen. That's exactly correct. Which is funny because I also wrote about a gay club in the book too.

Okay. So look, I already know what's going on. Well, thank you so much for being on with us sorry about the technical difficulties um we thank you guys for watching really really really appreciate you guys um when we switch to mental health we didn't know how things were going to be but we're getting a lot of support and it's really really really cool Rebecca kind of taught us a lot of things today just in having conversation I learned two life changing things so

we appreciate you we thank you guys for watching be more you got something to say to the people nah nah that's her words of advice y'all she got some prolific stuff to say

be safe enjoy yourself life is short life is too short but remember it's also long and you gotta live it so we will see you guys soon deuces bye the Popeye's big box is back, y'all.

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