These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - From Darkness to Light: Z's Journey Through Trauma, Spirituality, and Authenticity | Season 2 Episode 327

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

Send us a Text Message.Can the darkest chapters of our lives lead us to the light? Join us as we sit with Z (Gazit Chaya Nkosi) a truly brave soul who tells us about their journey through life's hardships and their incredible spiritual transformation. Z honors AIDS activist Nkosi Johnson with their name change and speaks on their profound conversion to Judaism. Together, we navigate the power of names, the struggle of confronting one's past, and the importance of finding something bigger than...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is going on, my beautiful people? It is Micah from these fucking feelings podcast. I got producer Crystal in the building with me and our special guest. Look and I'm about to mess it up already, right? This guy, Zit. Hiya.

Close enough. But we're going to call... Look, I still messed it up, right? But we're going to call you Z. Okay. Z. Just because I ain't going to mess nobody's name up. But I know there's a cool story behind your name.

So we do have to talk about that a little bit. All right. And how are you today? I'm so glad to be with you all. First of all, I just like feel so warm and relaxed just that the title is these fucking feelings. It's like, okay, we all know where we're at. I love it. We know we're about to get into. So today was a good day. I wore my firing jacket. And his firing shoes.

And my firing shoes today, you know, just in case I had to get rid of some people. I love that. I'm in business today. I still have a job. So one thing that we do like to do here is we actually like our guests to introduce themselves because we feel like no one can do it better than you. So tell our audience a little bit about yourself. Yeah, for sure. I am a person who has had a really hard time being on this planet and has spent the last decade trying to figure out how to make it more meaningful and less painful. And I've really experienced a lot of

relief in that department and I'm very motivated to share that with other people who are interested. Things that we have, not a lot of us were taught how to deal with them. And I'm really just grateful to have been given a lot of resources and support along the way and to feel like okay with staying on this planet a little longer. And I know there's a lot of people who struggle with that. So I just am really interested in sharing about my experiences. And that's pretty amazing. And that's kind of the reason why we exist too. I mean, I think I was one of those people that I kind of was done with this planet as well.

I also had a very painful and I'm like, I am, you know, me and me and Crystal were talking recently. We were talking about religion kind of. But, you know, I always said that I didn't I didn't believe in God because I used to pray for death. And then I woke up every day. Yeah. I was like, if you're not answering my prayer, then you don't exist.

Right. Well, I'm happy he didn't answer. I know. I'm happy now. He didn't answer either. But I had some dark times. So I know that your name you chose. Correct. And I wanted to talk a little about that. I actually, too, chose my name. So, yeah. So it's kind of interesting to talk to somebody else. You know, it's a so my family had a really hard time especially on my father's side that I did away with my father's last name so that part of my family I ain't gonna mention no names or nothing but so they kind of disowned me a little bit

but I'm okay with that because I feel like my father understands why I did what I did and he knows my heart and he knows it has nothing to do about love for him or my love for him. But yeah. So tell us a little bit about your story and you changing your name. Yeah. Well, you know, names hold a lot of power and it's a really interesting thing throughout a lot of mythology. People change their names in order to come into like a new identity or a new phase of their life. And mine came in two phases. So first of all, I changed my last name when I got married. And we did that because both of us as queer people were experiencing a lot of rejection from our families of origin and our religion of origin. And so we both felt like neither of our names really held a lot of like celebratory energy

in going into that relationship. And so we chose our last name in honor of a little guy named Nkosi Johnson, who was working against AIDS discrimination in South Africa and had a beautiful speech to the United Nations. And he basically said, we're all the same. We all laugh, we all cry, we all bleed, just like treat us like people. And that felt like such the perfect message for us. And we got to know his adoptive mother who still runs a home for women and children living with AIDS in South Africa, Gail Johnson, and asked her permission to take his name in his honor and as sort of a like life mission. And she gave us her blessing, which I'm so grateful for. And I'm now since divorced, but I kept the name because

it really is, it's who I am. And I really love that part. So that was sort of like a phase one. And then I changed my first name about 10 years later. And that was a part of my process of converting to Judaism after being raised evangelical Christian. And that was a part of my process of converting to Judaism after being raised evangelical Christian. And that was a really important step for me in this relationship with God or with something bigger than myself. I had had such a painful relationship with organized religion, especially around my being queer. And I sort of wanted nothing to do with that. And so I cut off all access to any spirituality or any meaning outside of myself, which was like stopping breathing. I recently heard someone say that like the word spirit means breath. And so we are all

spiritual because we're all breathing. And so a therapist after about 10 years of me not doing anything with like any kind of God idea or concept or spirituality was like, you're never going to heal if you don't have something that's of a higher meaning to you. And I was like, well, when I was young, I wanted to be Jewish. I had this really deep connection with Judaism. Actually, it's interesting because today is the first day of Passover. And as I saw that, I didn't know that until I was looking at the date. It's all on the calendar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And when I was little tiny, I would like stand in the grocery aisle in front of the matzah and like cry like I wanted the matzah. I wanted to celebrate Passover. Like I think it was someah. I wanted to celebrate Passover. Like, I think it was some sort of a past life thing, but I was obsessed as a kid. And my family told me I couldn't convert to Judaism, that Jews could convert to Christianity, but Christians couldn't convert to Judaism. And I just skipped that until this therapist was like, actually, that's not the case. So I started working with a rabbi, started studying with a rabbi. I went through like a two and a half year conversion process. And part of that was choosing a Hebrew name for myself.

And so Gazit Chai is my Hebrew name. Gazit means hewn stone, like a stone that's been carved. And Chai comes from Chai, which is the root for life. And so the idea is that life is like shaping me in a purposeful way. Whereas early on, I maybe felt like someone had like a chisel and a hammer and was like hacking away at parts of me. This is like a reframe for me to be like, all right, it's been like painful and scary sometimes, but it's all been really purposeful and meaningful. And I can trust in that purpose. Yeah, that's amazing.

That's definitely dope. My story isn't that deep. It's kind of very similar. Well, you know what? I was I was around family. I hadn't been around family for a really long time. And so, you know, we I'm I'm I'm gay and I have, my brother is very, very Christian and I don't know, we work really close now, but you know, we had a time where we were

estranged and just me and like all my siblings were, and everybody was just doing their own thing and those kinds of things. But my dad passed away and he actually passed from COVID and, you know, that kind of brought us all together a little bit, but it was in my family. We're a bunch of nuts, right? So we have really dark humor. So we spent the whole two weeks it took to bury my father because he was a veteran. So he wanted to go in a veteran cemetery and those kinds of things. Yeah. Laughing. No, we spent that time laughing, just laughing. That was how we mourned. But, you know, when you hear stories and bring up people, bring up stories, I realized that everything that was

associated with my old name was negative. You know, I had cancer for 15 years. I had Guillain-Barre syndrome when I was younger. I was paralyzed to neck down. And it was just like a lot of things. And I was like, wow, so much negativity associated with this name. And then there was a time where I wasn't the greatest person either. So there were a lot of mistakes that I made and a lot of pain I went through. And then when I think about, you know, I kind of grew up with a lot of abuse, sexual abuse. And so that was another thing that it was like, you know, my identity was all crumbled up in all of this negativity that was associated with this name. And I kind of felt like every time someone to go. You know, I no longer want this to happen. You know, I felt it in my soul that it was like, I just need to kind of like you said,

it's like I need to find my own identity. I need to, you know, pick myself. And then I became Micah Bravery, you know, because which, you know, so I had to be brave to do it, which is why I chose the last name Bravery. And I was like, and also I had to be brave to do it which is why I chose the last name bravery and I was like and also I wanted to be the first Micah bravery ever to exist it's gorgeous and I mean really you like are now like you said every time someone says your name they're reaffirming that like courage and that bravery and that new identity and that new pathway I think it's a brilliant thing I think we should all do it I me too I think think so too. I mean, it's, it's, you know, it's like, you think about your parents choose this for you when you're born, but they don't know your personality. They don't know who

you're going to end up being, you know? So I agree too. I tell people, and it's funny because I always talk to people and when people find out I changed my name, they'd be like, I should do it. And I'm like, it's $40. It was real, real cheap, real easy to do. You could do it. Yeah, just putting it out there. It's not that easy in like every place in the world. And if you're trying to do it as a trans person, there can be a lot more like roadblocks.

Like for me, it was like $350 or something. And I wasn't even doing it about being trans. But I know a lot of trans people who have had a hard time. But you don't have to have things legally changed to like use a name that feels right for you. And I think that's something that people need to know. Like you can ask anybody in your life, any stranger to just use the name that feels right for you, whether it's on your driver's license or not. Like you get to, you get to be called what you want to be called.

Right. Yeah. And that's definitely, definitely good advice. Where I was, it was really chipper, really easy. So, so I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I was in the, I was working with him during that process and I think it actually went pretty fast yeah you know what was funny though that I never received my actual formal like stamp certified name change paperwork from the court and I had already changed it with the DMV got a new birth certificate I was like it was pretty funny I came certificate. I was like, it was pretty funny. I came back and I was like, well, it was like a couple of days later, I actually got like the certified copy in the mail. Cause I guess it was like really weird. I like had to take the papers I got and then go to the

court to get it certified, but they didn't send me directions to do it that way. They just sent me like the paper. So I was like, Oh, this is it. So I went to the DMV, got my name changed, got my new social security card, new birth certificate. The whole time it was just legit a piece of paper. So I said, Micah Bravery was meant to be.

Yeah, seriously. What state do you live in? In New York. Oh, well, good for New York. Maybe I shouldn't admit that. I'm going to block that out. Sorry, New York. We just have it all together.

Lord, now the FBI is going to knock on my door tomorrow. They'll be like, it's official now. Okay, I got it official now. Once you have a social security card, it doesn't matter. You're official. Right, you're official. And I had one before, okay? Like, I was born with one.

We got to be careful these days. And that's pretty easy to get. No, we're just joking. So what were some of the things that you did to start to kind of. I still have a big issue with God and it's not like I'm still having an issue with belief. You know, it's like I've healed a lot. I tell people I'm two years into my healing, maybe three years now. But and religion is still one of the very hard things for me. So I grew up Catholic. And even though my mom wasn't super religious, we grew up in New York City where everybody else in the building pretended to be. So, you know, and I was a feminine little boy. So I always told that I was going to hell if I grew up gay and that if I did this, I was going to hell. And then I remember going to like a, you know, Catholic church, you got to go to school to do like the confirmation and communion and those kinds of things. I got kicked out of church, of church school because

of a question I asked. I remember the teacher's name was Miss Vega. I hope you watch it. Miss Vega. But yeah, she like was really upset by the question I asked. Here I am like five or six years old. To me, I thought it was a legit question and she was so mad that I got kicked out and was told I couldn't come back.

And that kind of tainted like my religion. I mean, it just tainted my just thing. And then at this time, you know, I always tell people my first memory is of being molested. So that's my first childhood memory. So you take that pain of being cast out of the church combined with all the abuse and then with everything else people are trying to tell me, you know, I told you I legit prayed for death. And then when that didn't happen, I was like, well, I knew I was loved. And I think that's something I always want to clarify. I had a loving family. Like my abuse

didn't come from my family, but they use my family to abuse me, if that makes sense. So they always threatened my family, you know, like, oh, we'll kill your mother or we'll do this to your brother. Or, you know, if we don't do it to you, we're going to do it to your little brother, you know? So it was like things like that. I was always told. But I got I grew up in a loving home. So I always think that people feel like people who have trauma didn't have love. And it's two different things. Totally.

They can both exist. Yeah. Right. And that's kind of how it was for me. But, you know, because I went through so many horrible things, it's still now I still can't phantom the fact that a God or a power allowed me to go through that. And I know people says everything happens for a reason. But then my question is, who's reason?

And, you know, it's a fucked up reason. Yeah, right. Yeah. Well, I just want to say really clearly, like, I don't think you need to believe in a God. I don't think you need to believe that a God. I don't think you need to believe that like everything happens for a reason or that any of these really awful things that happen to you are supposed to be like things you're grateful for. I don't think that you need that to connect with meaning in this life. And I think this podcast is a great example of why that's true. Because for me, contribution

and service and offering hope to other people and aligning my actions with my values, that's my higher meaning. And that's something that you're exemplifying through this podcast is that you're offering people authenticity and vulnerability and truth and hope by talking about these things that you've experienced and offering other stories of people who have been through things. And I think that when we connect religion and an idea of a higher power, we end up with like, at best, like Santa Claus, and at worst, some sort of like frightening sky daddy who's like there to like zap us with lightning, you know, and neither of those things are things that I want to connect to. I don't want a Santa Claus who I just like pray to to get things. I don't want someone who's out there waiting for me to fuck up

so that they can zap me with lightning. Like I don't want either of those things in my life, you know? And, and for me, the experience of moving through my reconnection with spirituality through my conversion to Judaism was, I think, in a lot of ways, because I needed a bridge that made sense to my framework that I had been raised with. And I had this strange connection to Judaism as a little kid. So it like, fit the story in a way that maybe if I had tried to connect initially with Buddhism or Hinduism or something that was less familiar to me, maybe that would have been not as easy for my system.

So, you know, Judaism carried a lot of the same characters, a lot of the same stories and framework, but it had this really striking difference, which was that Christianity says we're born fucked up and we need to be saved or punished. And Judaism doesn't have original sin in it. So it doesn't say you're the branch of Judaism that I was like studied under, which is called reconstructionism, was that we're here really to contribute to the planet and like support people on the planet through connecting with values and community and creating meaning out of our life. And that was something that I could really connect to. And so it gave me like a way to connect with something that was meaningful. I really liked the idea of having values and like being kind and generous. I loved that from Christianity. You know, I loved like thinking about helping other people in unconditional love and like being in community and singing together. Those were all things that I really loved from

Christianity and the being wished or like everyone having to follow rules. I didn't love that part. And so that didn't show up for me in this like early experience with Judaism. And so for me, it felt like a really good like bridge, like I said, and then it opened me up to exploring other like philosophical, spiritual, self-help, personal development, like that whole world kind of opened back up once I had given myself back the permission to be like, okay, this life is not just about like enduring until you can finally die because that's what it had been. And I had tried to kill myself and I hadn't died, which felt like a total curse. Cause I was like, well, I'm not going to do that again because it's just excruciating to try and then wake up. And so I

was just like waiting until I died. Like, and that was just awful. So yeah. Trust I know because someone who I was there with you, I was like, I was living every day. Like today's going to be my day. I'm going to get hit by a pepsi truck oh my gosh so i always wanted to die away that left my family money you wanted them to have a lawsuit like you can mourn me but i didn't want to suffer i know it's so crazy so i always saw like that was it i was like i'm just gonna get ran over by a pepsi truck and my family's gonna own Pepsi, you know? Oh my gosh. Such a like sweet version. I love it so much. That's amazing. It's the most ridiculous thing. But I think back on it now, and it's pretty funny because I actually do want to have a spiritual connection. Like I want to

believe in something spiritually, right? Because I go through a lot of like, I'm buoyancy sometimes. And, you know, I even sometimes see things that be a little crazy that I shouldn't be saying. Right. So it's like, I know it's there and I know it's in me, but I'm so tainted. It is like, you know, but I'm okay where I'm at in my healing journey. Like I've gotten over a lot of stuff and, you know, I could sit okay where I'm at in my healing journey. Like I've gotten over a lot of stuff and, you know, I could sit here and talk about my past and joke about it and laugh about it and make inappropriate jokes about it, which I do all the time, you know, but it's like, I want to have a connection because it's like, I can see it sometimes, you know, I give the example that

yesterday I left the house and so we're, I in like upstate new york and it's colder here and so yeah it's like we're still in the 40s right so and it's about to be may yeah but so i i feel like i left home i just legit went to like a store it's a block i could have walked it i was being lazy right i drove but i drove past all the trees and they had nothing on them. And then I come back and they're like white with all these flowers. And I was like, that's crazy. You know, like I know that they did. They was just like, nothing was there. Like I know nothing was there.

And now it's like all these white flowers and they're perfectly bloom and the whole tree is full. And I'm like, what the fuck? You're like like there is something going on. Yeah. Right. And you know for me that is the perfect evidence

of God right like that is the God that I want to believe in like has to do with this weird thing that like every winter every tree like looks like it dies. And then it just like decides to come back again. Like I wouldn't do that. If you made me so cold that everything fell off of me the next spring, I'd be like, fuck you. I'm not growing any more leaves.

Like I'm not going to go through this again, you know, but they just like do it. And the fact you with your experiences are sitting here like with kindness and understanding and interest in your life, in somebody else's life. Like that is more evidence to me for a God or a greater meaning than anything else we can experience on this planet. Because there is no legitimate reason for you to have anything other than bitterness and hatred. Right. Right. Right. Definitely. And I did for a long time. And I think, you know, it wasn't until I started confronting my issues, which is why, you know, to me, I always think these fucking feelings is important because we got to get them out. We got to talk about these fucking feelings and like allow them to, to, I guess, exist outside of yourself, you know, so that you can actually really look at them, you know, because sometimes it's like,

I'm holding on to all this anger and bitterness and resentment, you know, because it's like, I went through a lot of things for a really long time. And then I felt, you know, I went through protecting my family, but I felt like my family should have knew why weren't they protecting me? Like, why were you allowing me to be in these situations that this stuff was happening to me? But it came down to I grew up poor where both my parents had to work. They work long hours. You know, my mom kind of our younger years was around to kind of be the mom. But then she also was a super of the building we lived in. So like she was a working mom kind of our younger years was around to kind of be the mom. But then she also was a super of the building we lived in. So like she was a working mom kind of. But it was like, you know, it was like, oh, it was always, you know, they were really too tired to really notice.

Like, you know, like they had their reasons for not noticing. And it took me a long time to understand that I'm being too hard on them. You know, they didn't do these things. You know, I had to learn to forgive my family because it's like, number one, if they would have known, maybe I should have spoken up, you know, and if I would have told somebody, maybe my life would have been different. But, you know, once again, we can, we can what if all day, but it did teach me to get over like that resentment, that anger, but also it taught me that it had nothing to do with me. That's right.

I went through so many years of molestation. But if it wasn't me, it would have been another little boy. Kind of like they told me, if it's not you, it's going to be your brother. So it had nothing to do with me. It wasn't me that was flawed. I wasn't broken. I wasn't made wrong. You know, it was just that this person needed to deal with

something. They had to learn to survive something. They needed to overcome something. You know, they, you know, you think about, you know, it's pretty easy for us to sit up here and for me to say I'm gay or for you to say queer now, but, you know, think of 20 years ago where people couldn't say those things, you know, and it's like how much they had to hide. And it's like, so now I have compassion for my tormentors. So I say the mentors off of Harry Potter because they did steal my soul, but they stole part of my soul. I'm getting it back. But now I have compassion for them. And he's like, Dad, I wish I knew what I knew now to be able to help them, to let them know that, you know. There's a positive way for you to get what you're seeking. Right. It doesn't have to be like this. Sorry, I'm over here talking about what all this interview is about.

You know, it's always about us. You know, I think there's so much more we in anything than there I, because as you talk, it's just you processing through this bizarre reality in which we don't have control, where there is violence, where there is seemingly meaningless pain and suffering. And as you share your story, it's just a little different angle of my story. And it doesn't matter if I'm talking or you're talking, we're just letting ourselves, like you said, get this experience outside of us that makes no sense and say, okay, how can I make some sort of meaning out of this so that I'm not just, you know, crawling on my knees, like through this barren desert of hopelessness. And I can find some connection with purpose and joy and meaning and even pleasure, which is something that has just recently entered my life. I didn't think I was ever going to be a person that could say I actually enjoyed anything. But- Congratulations. enjoyed anything, but you know, thank you. Thank you. I worked very hard on it. It started,

it started with 10 minutes a day of me being like, I have to do something that is not for any purpose other than just to feel pleasure. And I didn't even know where to start. I just knew I liked reading stories when I was little. And so I started reading fiction for 10 minutes a day. And I shit, you know, I had full blown panic attacks. Like, it was horrifyingly terrifying to sit. I was like, someone's dying because I'm not working. Like it was so hard, but little by little by little, it expanded. And now I feel like I have a lot of connection to things that I actually really think are fun. That's pretty cool. I'm actually trying to get there, too. I've been thinking all weekend. I am the caretaker of my mom. I got custody of my mom. so and she's actually going through health

issues she's older so I actually don't do a lot I spend a lot of time with her making sure she's okay and you know a part of me is me and not her because she's always telling me like you need to live your life you need to go out and do things and I'm like I'm really okay like I really don't mind my mom is my best friend but I probably should have some other friends other than my mom right maybe but I was thinking that that's something I want to do I kind of want to start up okay Crystal you are my friend she over here tapping like what am I and your invisibility cloak on for a minute right she tried to do a real subtle too but she like hold hold up hold up and i have and i have friends of course i have friends okay just not just crystal even though you're the most important one yes

but i do want uh so but i do want to start like traveling to like, I said, I'm going to take one, one weekend a month and I'm going to travel to a place that I'd never been to before. It could be local, it could be far or whatever. And I'm interested lately.

I've been interested in art and it's, I can't look at it and understand it like some people can, but I do get an emotion from it. Yes. And right. And I like modern art to me. I do get an emotion from it. Yes, it's beautiful. Right. And I like modern art. To me, I'm a very modern thing. So I like the graffiti and the street graffiti

and those kinds of things. Like in Miami, they have an area named Wyndham. I was in heaven. I went there and it was like, oh my God. And it's just the emotion of it. So I'm going to start doing those things. I said, I'm going to take my one month, one weekend a month, leave on a Friday,

museum all Saturday, come back Sunday. And that's going to be my my pleasure time. That's going to be just for me. That's extraordinary. Yeah. So it's kind of cool that you say that, because I think that is important, you know, especially especially for parents who work a lot, have a lot of kids and kind of sacrifice their whole lives. I feel like all I've ever seen my mom do is sacrifice. You sacrifice everything for her kids. And sometimes I wish I saw it in reverse.

Sometimes I wish I would have saw her chase her dream because I feel like she taught me sacrifice. Yes, yes. It's really bizarre, right? Because as parents, we're sort of told that the best thing is to just like totally lose yourself and make it all about your children. And then I have a cousin who also has said the same thing about his mom. Like I wish she would have done something like followed her dreams. And I tell you what, I've been

following my dreams now for about a year. I've been doing all sorts of more stuff, but I've been following my dreams now for about a year. I've been doing all sorts of more stuff, but I've been very less available to my child. And it's not been super easy because, you know, he was used to me being like super available. And it's like so tempting for me to be like, nevermind, nevermind. I'll just like go back to not being a person. But I think that at the end of the day, the best thing we can do for anybody in our life, and even the best thing we can do for all the collective like humanity that we don't know is to take really, really good care of ourselves and figure out like what is meaningful to us. Because the more that I'm resentful because of self-sacrificing or

because of not following what I want or not being authentic, the more likely I am to put violence out into the world or towards myself. So like you were talking about your dementors were likely people that were not showing up for themselves, not being honest, not like dealing with their own pain. They weren't maybe expressing fully who they were. And so it came out in this really demented way, right? And for me, because I wasn't telling people that I was queer, that I wasn't telling people that I had an issue with Christianity, that I thought it was crazy to think about a God who would tell a certain group of people you're going to heaven and a certain group of people you're going to hell, because I was keeping all that in

and, you know, my own childhood abuse stuff. I was like, lashing all that violence in, which is why I thought it would be helpful if I was dead, you know? And so it's like, we're either going to be throwing our violence out or we're going to be throwing it in if we're not showing up as fully who we are. And so the greatest gift we ultimately can give the world and the people closest to us is to really care about ourself. That self-sacrifice stuff actually leads to violence more likely than not, because it's not what your soul can make sense of. Our souls are unconditional love towards ourselves and everyone else. Yeah, look, you get snaps for that you hear that crystal the button's over there i know the button is too far crystal is uh a mom of 26 kids no i'm just she has four good right she has four kids and two grandbabies oh my gosh wow no and she is like a mom that is

about her kids and if you guys that watch this podcast don't think this podcast is important crystal takes time away from her kids to do this podcast it is important okay because she doesn't do anything i can't get her to go see Kelly Clarkson with me. I'm trying to get her to go see J-Lo with me. She's like, I got to get on a plane. No, nope. I'm like, what is wrong with you? But you got to start.

But I think she takes care of herself. I think, yeah, I think she does. You know, it's a really hard position to be in, especially when you get a lot of affirmation from being a mom. You know, there's a lot of messaging in the world about how like you're worthwhile because you're really invested in your kids and it's really complicated. It's not an easy thing to sort through. Right. Definitely. Well, one thing they don't teach you is how to let your kids leave the home. They don't teach you that. My mom was like, bye bye. And me, I'm like,

please stay with me. Yeah, it makes sense. You know, it's like a very weird thing that you are. I've lately been using the word host. Like I want to host my child. I don't want to like parent my child so much because I've realized like this idea that I'm here to like give you the source of life is like way, way too much pressure on both of us. Definitely. And it makes it like, you should stay with me. way too much pressure on both of us. It is. Definitely. Yeah.

And it makes it like you should stay with me. Like you're mine somehow. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I definitely, even like school and stuff, you know, they'll call me and they'll say, oh, you know, what classes do you want your daughter to take? She's the one that's taking them, not me.

Like ask her if she can handle such such such like so i think i sort of host them yeah it's like christy is a really good mom i mean i would i give her that i mean i'm not you know was it i have a wonderful mom first let's your mom is the best mom on the planet clearly my god what is she is a mother theresa we actually we just gonna call her mother felicia okay so but uh i do have the best mom on the planet clearly like even yeah but you know if i could think about the second best mom it will be crusty you know she has you she's actually, you know, it's funny. It's like her kids come to her with all their problems. Like there's no fear. They're open and

honest. And sometimes I'd be like, they call her too much. I'd be like, girl, if this child called you one more time today. Okay. But I think she does really good. So I like to pick on her just because she won't travel with me. That's just her fear of traveling has nothing to do with her kids. We went somewhere today and I was like, can you drive? Cause I don't want to go over that bridge. I know she don't want to go over a bridge though.

That's okay. That's okay. No, it's not okay. I don't want to always drive. I gave a whole story, a whole story. And he's like,

Crystal, you should not be thinking that way. And I'm like, yeah, I know. But I do. You know what? We just are where we are. Right? That's why I talk all day long about like, can you just let yourself have accommodations? Can you just let yourself say like, hey, I'm a person who doesn't want to drive over a bridge and just be like, okay, that's cool. Or like, I'm a person who just thinks my mom is my best friend. And that's good for me. Like, great. Go ahead. Like, why do we have so many shoulds in this life? You know? Definitely. And see, that's where I am at that point in my life where I allow people just to be whatever they are. So like, besides disrespectful.

Well, I mean, even those situations, a person could be disrespectful. I just don't have to take it. It's all about making decisions. Right. And it's a decision that's best for you. So like, you can be a disrespectful person. I'm just not going to take this. I'm not going to hang out with you.

I didn't grow up that way. Right. So, you know, we tell people like, once again, like, don't get it confused. Yes, I grew up traumatized as hell, but I also had a lot of love. And one thing my parents never did was talk down on me. So I don't know what it's like to be talked down on. And here, if it's people that love me, don't talk down on me, you not going to do it. I walked out of a meeting the other day because, you know, someone kind of just got loud and decided to talk over me. And it's like, okay, now this is not a conversation. It's not productive.

It's not even a meeting, you know, because it's confrontational. So we're not going to get nothing out of this. I left. Good for you. Matter of fact, I didn't need, I didn't just leave the office. I left the building. I just went home, you know, but the next day I'm thinking about it, I'm like, Oh snap, this is my job. Like, damn. But still, I feel like if I didn't walk out, I was going to be fired. So either which way I was going to walk out. Right. Well, and the benefit to your soul was like super exponential because your soul got to have the experience of you being like, yep, that's a no. And the opportunities that that's going to open up for you individually are so much more

worth anything could have been gotten from like staying in the building. Right, right. Definitely. And I think in a kind of the thing that I thought was cool about it was my boss's reaction because I thought I was going to get a lecture. But really, I got an apology. And it was, if I knew it was going to go there or if I knew you were going to be attacked, I would have stopped it. And I was like, okay, yeah, look at me over here teaching lessons. I was about to be suspended. You gave them the opportunity.

Yeah. And that's what happens when we're honest and do things that are like unacceptable. You know, it's you give someone an opportunity that they'm learning what I'm worth and that I'm worth something. Oh, that is the worst thing y'all could have done. Me? I'm worth something? So good. I no longer pray for death. You hear me? So, you know, I am healed from that.

But, you know, it is about healing. And it is a lot. It takes a lot to heal. It takes a lot to want to heal. Is there anything that you can give our audience to help them realize that any person in any circumstance that can't find a life worth living. I think that life worth living is not necessarily going to look like what you see on movies or Instagram. So I think there is, you know, for those of us who maybe grew up looking outside of ourselves and thinking like, well, I can only be happy if I have A, B or C,

like that's gonna keep you in that cycle of never feeling like it's enough. But if you are given the opportunity to be supported enough to accept what it is that you've been through, accept the past and stop trying to change it. Like it sounds like you have done, you know, this is what happened. I'm going to stop fighting this. I'm going to see what I can make of it. Then there is always

the possibility that you can make something good out of it. It's not going to be the life that you thought you were like deserve to have maybe, but it can be a meaningful life. I like to think about it like, we just showed up on like a cooking show, and they just put a bunch of ingredients in front of us. Like, those ingredients may be what you dealt with in the past, and it may not be your first choice ingredients, right? But you can make something that tastes okay, and it's going to fill your first choice ingredients, right? But you can make something that tastes okay and it's going to fill your body and give you the strength that you need to go out so you can continue creating. And being willing to do that, I believe is a supernatural gift,

right? Because like I said for you, there's no good reason why you should be sitting here contributing in this way and having this joy and this connection. Given the circumstances you've been through, it makes a lot more sense for you to be bitter and suicidal. Same with me. There's not a great reason why I'm not institutionalized. Given the things I went through, all of the psych hospital told me, yeah, you're either going to die by suicide or you're going to end up institutionalized for the

rest of your life because I was not demonstrating the capacity to be a functioning, contributing human. I believe it was some sort of supernatural intervention that gave me this opportunity. I appreciate it. And I'm going to interact with it as best I can until I can't, you know, people who are in that place of feeling suicidal. I don't ask anything more of them. I don't ask them to try harder. I don't ask them to drum up the courage and the strength to go through a bunch of therapy. If you're at that point, you're at that point because you're in over your head and it's too hard. And I send you all my love and understanding, and I would never ask you to work harder or figure anything out or try harder.

I don't understand why some of us die by suicide and some of us find the opportunity to have a different future. But I can say that the one thing that I know without a shadow of a doubt gave me the chance was that I was forced to take dialectical behavioral therapy when I was trying to, I was sent to the hospital at risk of losing my parenting rights. And the option was to do dialectical behavioral therapy. And in the course of that first six months in that program, I lost the suicide. It just, it went away through practicing these skills that are very clear, very basic, that pretty much any cognitive level can access. They're really, it's like a class and homework

and you don't have to talk about your past. And I think it's a really miraculous option that is out there and available for a lot of people. Sounds like something I needed because I did it a tough way. I did my own digging by myself. Jeez. Look, and then you set me up, Z. You gave a tough way. I did my own digging by myself. Jeez. Look,

and then you set me up, Z. You gave a cooking analogy and I'm like, do we got a Grubhub option? Because I don't, I can't, I can't make nothing or nothing. I can't do it, you know? But, and I say that funny, but it was a really good analogy it really was i was like okay as soon as you said we on a cooking show i was like okay well i think it gave what other people can understand no definitely yeah it made it very simple and it's and it's cool that you gave such honest advice and the thing that i like that you do keep saying is just like accepting, you know, and I think it's like, let's keep it simple and just accept it. It doesn't got to mean anything bigger or smaller than that. You know, you don't have to get over things. You just got to accept them. You know, it's like, like, that's where it starts with, you know, it's like really and just understanding that it's just that basic. It's just that simple. It's like, accept it. You know, people want to know. It's like a lot of times I tell people there are some things I've survived in my life.

There's other things I endured, but I've always, you know, oh, I learn now to accept them all. You know, am I still triggered by my trauma? Hell yeah. All the time. I go through getting a haircut is the hardest hour of my life i found a barber now that i could do it in 30 minutes what awesome i was like that was that was almost the time where i was like okay god you out there you know because 30 minutes and you get my hair done because it is just the someone touching me that I don't know. And it's like, I'm giving them consent because I'm telling them to cut me, but it's like, you know, pushing my head or, and not that tough. I mean, they don't do it like that, but you know, they gave you a lot

of nudges, a lot of directions. And to me, it's like, no, I want to control my body now. You know, I don't, I don't, I don't want anybody else to control it. And it's like a really, really hard 30 minutes for me, but I know I can't be around here looking like a caveman. Right. Well, you know, it's funny that you brought that up because I had a really hard time with haircuts too. Cause like on a gender level, like people treat you really weird and they get into all sorts of gender stuff. And there is a website of like barbers that are really good with trans people. And there's probably a website of barbers that are good with like touch sensitive people

because there's plenty of people for all kinds of reasons. So I'm going to look that up for you and see if I can find it because you deserve to have that experience and feel like it's not like just like white knuckling it through it you know but I did want to point out go ahead go ahead you go ahead I was just gonna say part of me kind of wants to survive this experience like I want to get over the point that I can't get a haircut

you know yeah because you you know, I feel like it's going to be difficult. I always tell people we joke about it and, you know, I haven't had sex in five years. Right. I haven't been intimate in five years. I probably ain't even touched a man in five years. Right. But it's like, how can I do that until I'm able to accept other people touching? Yeah. That's such a, such a like gradual process and i feel like because society has been so unwilling to talk about childhood sexual abuse especially those of us who are in the queer community where there's been some sort of message at some point that i don't know if you've heard it but it's like oh well you are that way because you were sexually

abused and so then it's like you even further can't fuck with your sexuality. Like, so it needs to be like such a gradual process. And I, I really, I hope that you feel, oops, sorry, my internet just did a thing. Am I still there for you? Stay here for us. Okay, great. Yeah. I hope that you receive support and acknowledgement for like, not having to deal with that message of like, oh, you haven't had sex in this long. Like, oh, you haven't had a relationship. And it's like, yeah, for good reason.

And I will take my time, right? Because you hear that, ma? You hear that, ma? You hear what Zee saying, ma? Because my mom going to turn to me, look at me the other day. She was like, you don't want to have sex. Felicia. I was like, right. I will tell her, I will tell her, Felicia, you know, that that's a journey.

And that takes your own time. And I really feel strongly that we don't talk enough about sex with ourselves. Because sex with yourself is something that makes sense to me as a way to develop your relationship with physical pleasure. And how do you start like, understanding your sexuality as like a preteen teenager. You start with like holding hands. You start with, you know, maybe soft little kisses. Like you just don't jump into like full sex orgasm. Right. And so we got to build that stuff with ourself and allow ourself to have the developmental curve that we would have had if we had been allowed to embark upon sexuality in the developmental way that people without sexual abuse or people without that queer identity can. People without the queer identity,

they get to watch Disney and imagine themselves like in a prince princess relationship. Those of us who knew we were queer were like, I don't even see anything about myself. I'm being told not only do I not get that cute movie, like I'm going straight to hell because I want to, you know, like I want to be a prince with a print, like what, like all of this gets so fucked up. And then you don't get to have that regular developmental curve, which is like a many year process for people. And so coming back to it at this age and trying to do it at this age with no like cultural model for how to do that, I think is really challenging. And anyone who just like forces them into a relationship is going to end up with a screwed up relationship, you know, let's be honest.

So take your time. And I think, you know, taking yourself out on these like dates and like weekend trips to these museums is such a beautiful way. And like, whatever, I'm not a therapist. I'm not your therapist, but I think, you know, Hey, we talking to friends, girl, give me that advice. I mean, beginning, you know, those same way that I connected with pleasure by like reading a book is the same way that I've been embarking on my own journey of sexuality and acknowledging to myself, like, I, I believe every human has sexuality, and they deserve to have a relationship with that sexuality. And I could have cut that part out of my life the same way I cut spirituality out of my life. But I still wouldn't have had full access to who I am if I did that

just out of the like, you know, it's easy as a single parent to be like, Oh, I don't have time. It's fine. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm just gonna like be celibate forever. And it's totally cool. And it's no problem. You know, like that's, that's not respectful to myself. And I'm not in a rush. And I'm not dating. I am very slowly allowing myself to see what does my body like to feel? What does my body think is interesting? I hadn't ever watched porn or anything like that because I was really scared of it with my Christian upbringing. And I starting last year, started being like, I am going to, you know, I do my best to like find ethical porn, but let's be honest, I don't always. But I, I'm watching it as like a study to be like, how does that feel when

I see that in my body? What like, and then like, what of that do I think sounds interesting? What of that looks like a hell no? What of that was like a should? And what of that is like, oh, that's not for me. Like that was a big part in understanding my gender stuff. I realized that the way I had been interacted with sexually had been all on this, like, you're a woman, like model. So there was like interaction with my chest that always felt like really disturbing. And I was being told like, this is the best part about you. Like, this is what you should like. And this is what everybody should like about you. And when I finally was like, actually, I don't even want this stuff on my chest. But if I did have it, like, I don't want anyone touching it that way.

You know, like, that was me being like, okay, like, this is who I am. This is my sexuality. And it's been like, so incremental. And I feel like, you know, respectful, and a lot of, a lot of confusion. And trying to do that with myself is hard enough. Trying to do that with another human who has their whole baggage around it. Like I'm grateful that I've given myself the time. So I give you all the time you need. I don't feel like she's you.

Right, she's me, right? You and Mike are like... I think maybe we should connect. I don't feel like she's you. Right. She's me, right? You and my car. I think maybe we should connect. Look, two peas in a pod, is that what they call it? Well, that's the thing. No, I feel the same way. Everything's universal. Right.

Definitely. You know me, as soon as someone come up and talk to me, that's my first response. We ain't having sex. Oh, my bad. You want this one to salt shake? I'm sorry. This is not available. Okay. You know, we're not like, oh, I'm in your way. My bad. You know, I got to stop telling that, you know, and it's you know, what's been bad about it, though? Look, my PSA, i have a loss i have like in the last maybe two years i've probably met the most beautiful men in my life right and as

soon as i tell their ass they ain't getting none i don't know them no more that means they weren't meant to be in your life that's right they were so beautiful i'd be mad i'd be like one of them texted me yesterday talking about how you doing doing? And I'm like, I'm still celibate. Did you say that? Yeah, I did. What did he say? I'm still not having sex. And he was like, no, I

just wanted to see how you were doing. And then we kind of went into the conversation how he was saying that that wasn't the reason why we haven't been talking. And I'm like, you're trying to run this game. I'm still not having sex. So there ain't no need. Look, hit me back up in another six months to do a check in.

But you know what? Like your timing is your timing. And that's totally cool. Like think about how many years you had to be really confused and scared and have no agency. And so if you need to over-assert that agency for a while, like that's really important for that little part of you that still feels vulnerable. Right. And I know that's what it is because part of me now, honestly, like part of me does want it, but I don't want anybody in my space yet. So I'm like, you know, yeah. So I was like, you know, part of me is like, okay, I kind of missed the touch of someone else,

you know, or just cuddling and watching TV. Like why we just can't be simple. You know what I'm saying? You just be right there. You know, I just need you right there. But like developmentally, that's... Sorry, Crystal, what'd you say? Oh, let's talk about his fruit roll-ups.

So that's why your fruit roll-ups are there. Yeah, so I let's talk about his fruit roll-ups. So that's why your fruit roll-ups are there. Yeah. So I sleep with a box of fruit roll-ups. It's a known thing. Okay. All right. Right now that is my, that's my, that is where I get all my pleasure. I think that's fine. Me and fruit roll-ups. I like it. Like Kellogg. If Kellogg knew the stuff I did with them fruit roll-ups. You wouldn't make them for children. I love it. I love it. But you know what? Developmentally, like you make sense, right?

We're like seven or eight. We're like, ah, sex. Don't talk about it. Like our parents like talk about kissing. We're like, la, la, la, right? And then like 10, 12, you're starting to be like, I don't know, maybe. Maybe I want to like sit next to someone. Like maybe I want to like maybe hold their hand. And so you're, you're, you're progressing like

appropriately, you know, it's just that these adults are coming into your life and expecting you to be like all the way through that process. And I agree with Crystal. I think that you deserve to have somebody who's going to walk with you on that journey and sit with you on the couch and just like maybe let your like pinkies like graze for like a minute. Right. And be like, what? And then be like, I think everyone needs to go home. Like, like my hand had me to fruit roll up, you know, like, you know, like, can I get a strawberry? Yes. Here you go. Yes.

And then, and then, and then you like freak out and you say like, go home now, you know, and that's like enough for that night. And then like, you know, I'm texting Crystal like, girl, touch my hand. Yes. You know what, Micahah i have given myself and if you want to connect like outside of this i'd love to like share um these ideas i give myself like i read young adult fiction that's like queer young adult fiction or i watch like the shows that are made for like teenagers about like little like queer romances of teenagers because you deserve to have that

little developmental time period of it not being like full like hardcore like adult you know wildness definitely we actually have an author Rebecca Height I'm gonna I'm gonna say I'm actually gonna send you her books because she's actually an LGBT fantasy writer amazing so I'm going to I'm going to say I'm actually going to send you her books because she's actually an LGBT fantasy writer amazing so I'm just yeah she and actually her books are being turned into movies now which is really really cool for so just giving her a shout out Rebecca Height you can check out her website rebeccaheight.com um yeah because to be able to see LGBT fantasy is going to be a new a new kind of thing so yeah so it So it was like, yeah, I'll go check her out. You know, she's raising money for it right now. So if you're feeling like you want to get $2, all we ask for is $2. Okay. If you have, if you ain't got it, don't worry about it.

Just go watch the movie. Right. But I am going to say your copy of her books. Cause I think that you'll enjoy them. They're pretty cool. And yeah, so that's going to be pretty awesome. And I guess before we go, though, is there anything that you want to say to our audience that we didn't give you a chance to say because I talked too much? No, I just loved hearing everything you had to say. And I loved being a part of this and for everything that you've gone through, because I know that you wouldn't be this person if you hadn't and making a difference for people. So thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. And I'm glad to be a part of it in any way that I can.

Awesome. Yes. And we, we would definitely connect. So I'm, I'm with that. Of course, I'll list all of your contact information below and how people can find you and seek you out. I think this conversation was amazing as well. We talked on so many things that hadn't been talked on yet. So that's pretty cool. We actually have a sister podcast, Trauma is Expensive. And so I want to invite you on that. And basically we talk about, right. So we talk about the expense of unresolved trauma. You know, that's kind of what we focus that on. Deep conversations.

That's kind of what we do here. I can speak to that. Yes, I'm going to send you. Yeah. So I'm going to send you the link and we can set up another, and you can come do that with us. I think that'll be a lot of fun.

So thank you so much, Z, for being on. Pronounce your name for the people one more time, just because I'm going to mess it up. Gazi Chaya Nekosi. Yes, definitely amazing. Producer Crystal, anything you want to say to the people? I think this was just amazing. Yeah, yeah.

This is probably one of the best podcasts we had in a little while. I felt like I was off my game, but you brought me back, Z. Thank you so much. Peace, love, and blessings, guys. We'll see you next week. Bye.

And with that, we're wrapping up another episode of the Fucking Feelings Podcast. Thank you all for tuning in and engaging in another intense and real discussion on understanding and navigating through our feelings. Don't forget,

we're here each Wednesday, bringing you brand new episodes filled with stories, advice, and perspectives to help you handle those fucking feelings. So set a reminder on your calendar, grab your headphones, and join us every week. And if you're interested in exploring more ways to deal with life's stresses, make certain to tune into our sister podcast. Trauma is expensive. Dive deep into discussions on managing trauma, building resilience, and fostering healing with new episodes dropping every Monday. Make sure to subscribe, rate, and comment on both podcasts on your favorite podcast platform. Remember, each comment and rating can catapult us further

towards reaching those individuals who could really use our discussions. Your feedback is invaluable. Before we close, we want to remind you that discussing feelings is never a sign of weakness, but a display of courage. Stay brave, stay strong, and keep feeling those fucking feelings. Until next week, take care and keep the conversation going. Thank you.