These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - From the Streets of NYC to the Core of the Self: Allison Guilbault's Odyssey of Empowerment | Season 2.5 Ep. 123

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

Send us a Text Message.Join hosts Micah and Rebecca on a riveting episode of These Fukken Feelings Podcast as they converse with Allison Guilbault, a therapist who stands at the intersection of trauma, sexuality, and empowerment. Navigate through Allison's remarkable narrative – from her early days at New York University, diving into the intricacies of Psychology and Gender Studies, to her groundbreaking thesis with the FBI Behavioral Science Unit and her unparalleled experiences at Rikers Is...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. Fucking Feelings Podcast. I'm Rebecca and over here is my guy, Micah Bravery. We have with us today, Allison Gilbo. Yes, we in New Jersey, and I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and I work a lot with the queer community. And I do most of my work involves kind of like things like shame, limiting thoughts. And I also have a background in forensic. So I used to work inside of a jail setting

and inside of a emergency room. So I do a lot more than that, but that's kind of like Cliff Notes version of it all. All of it sounds heavy. Yeah, it is. A lot of heavy stuff. And there's like one spectrum to the next. Right. So I guess my first question question is when did you know that you wanted to help people oh my god so I don't even know if it started wanting to help people um I grew up in the 80s like I'm an 80s girl it's a 90s girl and this was like pre-svu criminal lines and things like that but I had like a very strong fascination with crime. So, you know, when I was like a kid, like five, six years old, my mom would be like, what do you want

to do? And she was expecting me to say like that. And I was like, FBI. She's like, I didn't even know you knew what that was as a little tot. So I started there, right? So I actually went to school. I went to college for human sexuality and psychology, but I was really, really interested in things like sex crimes and, and, you know, what happens to people?

Why do people commit crimes? So I did kind of both. So before I got to sort of the traditional therapy, I have a couch. We sit and talk about our feelings. I was really interested in really like a forensic approach, which really wasn't popular back then. There actually wasn't even a program that I could really sign up for to go to undergrad for, um, forensics.

So I did that with NYU. I got my math, uh, my bachelor's in human sexuality and, um, and psych. And then I went on to advanced education where I kind of got a little more specialized. So it was less like empathetic and more probably morbid curiosity at the jump. Now what's pretty weird is that you're like our second guest that studied human sexuality. I didn't even know that was something you can study.

And you're like the second person saying it. And I was like, like okay i need to come out my my room a little bit and when i went it was it was really inappropriately called women's studies at the time um but it now uh the same program is called human sexuality so it actually took a bunch of fascinating classes there was even a class on porn. Where can I sign up for that class? No, okay. Off topic a little bit, but I always tell people porn is not

what it used to be. Because, you know, before you get the little story with the French maid and, you know, woo, woo, woo, I'm cleaning over here. And now it's just like... There it is. What is happening? So I'm like, I want to bring porn back to the classics, you know, where we can have a storyline and you can follow and live out your fantasies.

Okay. Focus. Okay. How does forensic or how can I I guess, forensic fit into mental health? So I started where I started my career was doing mental health treatment, emergency mental health treatment, crisis treatment to survivors of sexual assault. So that's how I kind of blended those two. And I did not just stop you for a minute. How difficult was that?

I mean, you know, it is difficult. right? So I worked in the emergency room. So, you know, I was the first person that someone would see after, you know, something pretty tragic happened to them, something pretty traumatic, terribly traumatic happened. And, you know, at that stage in someone's experience, they aren't necessarily like looking for, you know, how we look for support in those instances is really different, right? So a lot of my job was kind of like reading the room, reading the person and really seeing like, is this someone who needs an ear, needs a hug, or just, you know, needs nothing, needs me to leave them alone. So I did do that for a while. It was a really intense job. I was in a New York City emergency room. So I mean, just get a lot of stuff there anyway. Yeah. And the weird kind of part about that job is, you know, you don't know who's going to come in. So it's, it's more like on call. So, you know, basically, you're in the middle of the night,

someone, you know, has a violent crime happening to them or a sexual assault. And then I would come in and be sort of like their advocate, their mental health. And at that time I was more like a liaison. So I wouldn't do so much like therapy as much as just say like, Hey, we're here for you and kind of guide them to a discharge. They were hooked up with some resources. So are you, would you, did you actually process like rape kits and things or you were support if someone wanted you? Yeah. So I was more like the feelings part. You know, how are you feeling? Do you need an advocate? How can an education? But I didn't do the science of the forensics. Right. So it wasn't like testing blood or doing rape kits or things like that. Yeah. And I did that for a while. And then my side career to that, I was actually a private investigator.

So I was doing a lot of research. Okay, renaissance woman. So I had these two kind of somewhat connected jobs because they were both based in sort of loosely based on, you know, investigations. But that was kind of the only, the only common denominator there. So I, I ended up leaving, doing mental health counseling and really taking off towards the, the forensics. And I was doing forensic research and private investigations. I partnered with the FBI and did a paper with them on the homicide of sex workers. So I kind of took a huge turn and really went to like research and investigations and I effing hated it. So I spent about, I don't know, six or

seven, eight years in that industry and then really wanted to come back to like talking about feelings, really kind of helping people be more empathetic work. And so I went back for, to get my license in mental health. And at the time, the degree I had had no longer applied anymore. So I had to go back to school. And when I went back to school for my second master's, I had to do an internship, but I was in my thirties at that point. And I really didn't want to do some like low level internship. I like kind of shot for the stars and I had worked so hard with survivors of you know traumas and things like that I actually wanted to understand to the other side so I got an internship working at Rikers Island which is a really famous jail in New York City um and I worked actually in solitary confinement so

I took this like enormous pendulum swing of a career turn and yeah, it was like the mental health counselor at Rikers. I mean, it's pretty cool though, that you thought that way. Like, you know, I always hear one side of the story. Let me get the other side of the story before I judge kind of thing. It's pretty cool of you to do that. Yeah. Yeah. I spent some time there and that got me, you know, Rikers is a pretty terrible place.

I don't know if anybody had the misfortune of being there. It's not nice. But I really got a lot of firsthand experience working with people who, you know, obviously had committed crimes themselves, had done some heinous things. But also, I mean, I kind of have the philosophy, you don't end up at Rikers unless you've gone through some shit yourself. So, um, you know, it was really learning about kind of, you know, how, how trauma does work through generations, right? Like if someone doesn't have access to education or access to support, right? Like what happens to these people? And it's like, not great stuff. So, um, you know, after I left Rikers,ers, I started working in private practice. I joke that I sold out. I'm like, I sold out. I stopped doing really hard agency work. I got a couch.

But you know, what I what I found throughout the years is I'm doing this type of work is that, you know, like trauma, trauma exists everywhere, you know, and all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons. There's like religious trauma, sexual trauma, violent trauma. So it's a kind of doesn't matter what application you use, you're going to find people that that need support and really, you know, need to process what has happened to them and find a way to heal. Right. And that's kind of like our whole basis for our podcast is to introduce methods to the world because I feel like we all, just what you said, just, we all need to heal because if we don't have trauma, then we have PTSD, but we have something, you know, and it's a lot of,

have you seen the Hulu series candy? You are now the second person who's told me this like very recently. No, I have not. Okay. I'm trying to get these guys to watch it because it's such a, it's such a, I hate to say a good story because she's that, you know, she chopped somebody 40 times or whatever. But it played into like her mental health. It basically came down to, sorry, spoiler alert, where the woman told her to shh and it triggered her. And that's what made her do it. And now she's actually a mental health counselor herself. And to me it's like

either you a real, real smart criminal or what you were saying is true. Don't come get me candy. I'm just joking. But it just, you know, I mean, what you're saying is true. It's like you never know that small thing. Yeah. I kind of dealt with some issue on Thursday. I'm going to tell you about this, Allison, right? I'm going to let you be my therapist.

I got an email, right? I'm still mad about it. So I'm in the trucking industry. She's going to expect payment, you know. I know, right? Because we advertising your business. So this is true, okay? But, you know, I was thinking about a lot of things that you said.

And one thing I was thinking about, what do you call, like, when you talk about thoughts, people have a racing mind. I call it monkey mind. Because my thoughts swing from branch to branch. And it's like, excuse me. But so I received an email from a customer or from a salesperson. And the starting line was, why wasn't I notified? I do not know why that triggered me, but it triggered me. Yeah. But it triggered me because I'm like, number one, you don't sign my paycheck. You know? But it's crazy,

like, the things, like, it triggered me to the point where I was like, I called in sick the next day. Oh, my boss ain't watching. Sorry. Yeah.

Because... So, I mean, how do we explain that kind of anger? Where does that come from? Yeah, I mean, you know, it triggers the right word and I don't use that word.

It's a very buzzword now. We hear it on things like that. But it's a truth, right? So it's less about like, OK, this person emailed me, but more about like what was brought up for me, right? Did someone else used to talk to me? Am I scapegoated? Am I used to being blamed for things that are not mine to hold, right? There's something else that's like a pattern that when this event happens, right, just like Candy, it's like all of the other emotions come springing in. I consider like four times, like, how badly do I need this job? Like, I bust out the calculator, like, okay, am I going to be able to eat every day? How long? Like, it was serious like we work together at these at the day job and i had never seen him like that in the time that

we've known each other i thought who is this guy what is gonna happen is he gonna wreck the office is he gonna yeah like flip the desk and walk out? Totally. It was intense. You know, it's audacity for me. Sometimes it's like you have the audacity. You know, I always believe you never know what a person's going through. That's true. I'm really big on love. I feel like if we kind of just

had compassion and love for ourselves and then for each other, we wouldn't go through as many stuff as we go through. You know, today is Juneteenth and it sucks that we have to celebrate things like Juneteenth. You know, it sucks that we have to sit here and like celebrate the fact that people were freed. Yes, absolutely. You know, so like it pisses me off that like this is humanity, you know, it's like, why do we

continue to talk down to each other, you know, talk bad about each other? And I'm not going to go on my rant because they're looking at me like, oh, Lord, like, wrap it up, wrap it up. It's just like a pet peeve. It's just like, why we just can't love each other. Why can't we just support each other, celebrate together, enjoy life? Because that's what it's about. But we're going to let let Rebecca ask the question now because I've been taking up all this. Well, actually, she has answered just about every single question I had on here. Bio. I know.

So, but I did see, I did look on your website, obviously, and I did see some things that you had mentioned about your time in Sri Lanka yeah um so I wanted to hear a little bit about that sure and then I also wanted to hear about your sober curious now I had never heard that term yeah prior to seeing it on your website so I wanted to hear about those couple of things yeah Yeah, for sure. So when I finished Rikers, I had, I don't even know what made me decide to do this, but I decided to work with the National Institute of Mental Health. And they were doing a project that was basically taking people and helping educate the Sri Lankan health officials, right, on mental health, because they don't have a lot

of resources there. And so when I signed up, I was really stoked about the program. And it was a great program. When I got there, I didn't realize that actually, you know, I thought it was like, not necessarily a prestigious thing. But I was just like, Oh, wow, this is a big deal. And it turns out that in England, like I'm American, in England, right after you graduate college, it's very, very standard to just call what's called like a graduate, I forget what they call it, a graduate study program. So when I showed up to Sri Lanka, unbeknown to me until the day before I left, there was 100 people in the program. And I was the oldest person by like 14 years, Right. So I was like 35 and

everybody else with heads was like maybe 21. Um, and so, and I had to live with, you know, I lived with all these teenagers, kids, whatever they are. Um, so it ended up being, the program itself is actually quite phenomenal. Um, and the, you know, the other volunteers slash internships, less externship, whatever you want to call this, this, were really quite amazing. But I spent, I think, three months, six weeks specifically in Sri Lanka. And we all just went into, you know, all of the facilities there, the mental health facilities. In Sri Lanka, they had just overcome a tsunami and a civil war. So there was really just like a lapse of resources. Now we did not share a language, right? So a lot of the people that if not most, um, did not speak English. So a lot of

the physicians and the mental health officials did. Um, but so we weren't really giving treatment as much as trying to figure out, um, like help with them just kind of, you know, how to change their systems, um, for better. And better. And it was just a lot of education. So because I was one of like the older people, I actually got to kind of move up and work directly with the psychiatrists of Sri Lanka. And that was a pretty fascinating experience. So I spent about six weeks there. And then I traveled for about six weeks. But it was, it was a monumental experience for me both on, you know, living in a third world country that doesn't, you know, we take for granted what we have, right? It's like, you know, on a typical day, we didn't have power.

We didn't have water. You know, there's certainly nothing like Wi-Fi, right? There's no cell phones. And so it does put your life into perspective of just like, you know, figuring out gratitude. And so that was like a big experience for me. And I still talk to a lot of the people that I went, that I did that with several years ago. know, figuring out gratitude. And so that was, that was like a big experience for me. And I still talk to a lot of the people that I went, but I did that with several years ago. That's nice.

And how cool was it though, to live with these, you know, these humans that are 14 years younger than you. And yet they're, they wanted to help people, but then they're growing also, you know, you can learn a lot from younger people, right? Like they, they haven't. That's for sure. They do. Right. And they were like, you know, I, I still am blown away. They had just finished like in America, like I finished school and like,

you know, hung out for a while. Right. Like it wasn't like, I was immediately picking up and trying to save the world. And you know, these humans, they were just, you know, they were ready to just put their mark onto the world. And, you know, these humans, they were just, you know, they were ready to just put their mark onto the world, which was pretty incredible. So yeah, it was a strange, strange experience all over, but one of my life defining ones, you know, especially because I was there for so long. And then I did spend like some time traveling around the country and just getting familiar with like the Sri Lankan culture, which is a fantastic place to be.

It's really beautiful. Do you feel like a better person from doing that? You know, I don't know if I'm a better, yeah. I mean, I'm definitely more enlightened. Maybe a more well-rounded person maybe. I mean, again, I think gratitude. Like we do, you know, I'm a New Yorker, right? I have seen a lot of cultures.

I've seen a lot of things, but we still do. We just still do take a lot of this stuff for granted. Right. So, you know, I think people who become more enlightened definitely have doses of humility in them. Right. So it's like, it does make you more humble. It makes you more grounded.

Um, yeah. Your biggest takeaway. Yeah, I think so. You know, it's just even on hard days, you know, I had access to clean water. Right. And that's like something we just don't think about. You know, I have the like, what a privilege is that I can go to like my sink and get clean water. Right.

And there's many, many people out in the world that do not have access to those. That feels really simple to me. So, yeah, I have I have mixed emotions about this type of conversation because, you know, it's like in one aspect, you know, even me, I probably take for granted what I do have and I'm a lot fortunate than others. And then in another side, I'm like, I work really hard to get what I have and, you know, I should be able to be proud of it and not always think oh other people don't have this but then it's always back to you over here buying a coach bag when these people can't even drink water you know so it's like the war it's so hard because sometimes I feel like the

most horrible human being but But then I give a person a shirt off my back. I actually kind of got in an argument yesterday with a woman. It was really, really cool. We're all New Yorkers as well. I was driving on the Bruckner Expressway and a woman

basically cut over all lane in the middle of church traffic. Just because these people ain't going to church, you know, they still ain't holy, but she did it to give somebody some money. There was a homeless guy on the street and she gave him some money. And I'm like,

okay. She tried to kill all of us, but it was for a good reason. She was going to like give this guy some money. So I'm like, okay, cool. The first,

the next homeless person I see, I'm going to do the same thing. I never carry cash. These people know me like never because I lose it? I thought it was like standard, you know, like, okay. I didn't know they changed things. And now you go pump your own gas in Jersey or something. I can, can you? No. No, you can't. Right. Okay. I've still been in New York, but it came out where like, he offered to pump my gas. I thought he worked there and he didn't. Right. I'm like, oh shit. But a woman was coming out the door and she was like, I wouldn't give him no money. All he's going to do is drink with it. And I'm like. I don't care. You know, like, don't you go home to have a glass of wine? Yeah. You know, is your problem so much different than his that he can't have a drink?

I really don't care what he's going to do with it. You know, it's like, but it was still like, you know, she had me questioning myself like, damn, is he just going, you know, but then I feel like it's none of my business. I shouldn't even care, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You make, I mean, so part of my, I don't like to call them specialties, but for lack of a better word. So I do two types of therapy. One's called cognitive behavioral therapy. And that's just a long way to say, like, our thoughts dictate our behaviors, right? If I think something, I'm probably going to do it. If I think I'm good enough, I'm going to make really good choices about my partner. If I think I can't get a job, I'm probably not going to apply to a job, right?

Thoughts dictate behaviors. But then the other part that I do is what's called dialectical behavioral therapy. And again, way too fancy of a word. But the word dialectics, it just means feeling multiple things at the same time. And so something I'm sort of constantly putting forward is that, you know, us as human beings are very complicated. So we can look at something and say like, wow, I really am practicing gratitude for instance, because like, yes, I have access to drinking water and oh my God, that's great. But also, I'm allowed to be proud of myself because I work really hard. So I deserve to buy the coach bag.

And it's, it's if we just sort of accept that even things that feel like they should be opposite, right, like they should be polarizing, they're not we just inside of our emotions and our feelings, they just don't work really simply. Right? I can be fearful that the guy I'm giving this money to is going to go spend it on drugs and make a decision that's not honoring his wellbeing and also decide that like, that's none of my damn business. So, you know, if we just kind of allow that into ourselves, right? Like, Hey, listen, I'm going to feel a bunch of things at the same time. They're probably going to be confusing, but I'm not going to judge it. I'm just going to let it come. You know, that puts us in a better position with our feelings.

And you know what? You said the key word there, judge it. Because I think I am that, I always have dual thoughts. I was talking to these guys earlier and I was just basically saying, like, I know that I'm half good, half bad. Like, I know 50% of me is evil, right? But because I know that I do things that are kind of like rebellious. So I'll go to work in yellow sneakers or in a pair of sweatpants. You know, it's innocent, but it's still kind of breaking the rules.

But I do it because I know my nature. I know my nature has to be rebellious. He's got to have an outlet of some sort. But I think I do go a lot with the judgment, you know, or the lot. I don't know so much if it's like judgment or like, I don't deserve. Yeah. Cause now we go through like with this podcast, we're doing really, really well. We're number 15 right now.

And mental health and fitness category. I'm like, we beat blossom. And I've been calling her out. I'm calling you out girl. I'm trying to get her to collaborate. You know, she's number 23 or whatever in week 15. So let's call her out. But even being proud. Podcast wars. I know.

That's what I'm trying to start, podcast wars. Reality. Even with that. So I have a brother who's Muslim. And he just pulls me over over the weekend. And he's like, hey, you need to be thankful for what you have because if you don't show thanks then god's gonna take it all away and i'm like oh first of all i'm already feeling punk like ashton kutcher's gonna drum out any minute now and tell me that all this shit is

fake right but now you're gonna tell me that god's just gonna take it away so now i'm like expecting the other shoe to drop like how many is this is this like, am I like your core patient? It's like, do people like me come see you? And I have a similar brain, right? Mine's complicated. And again, we have a lot of dualities, but yeah, you're on the right track. I don't even know if there was a question there. I just had a story.

You know, but that's the other thing about our thoughts, right? The world imposes a lot of, I don't know, interpretations, right? So using your brother as this example, you know, just because he says that to you, you get to look at it and say, like, do I agree with that? Just because someone told me this, I have the ability and my higher level functioning to disagree. You know, that doesn't, that doesn't speak right to my truth. Right. You know what? I'm one of those people. So I had a traumatizing experience with prayer.

And it was, I had a cat and I love this cat so much. Oh my God. I was a little kid and I fell in love with this cat. But I knew something was wrong with the cat. I didn't know what it was. And I didn't know how I knew this at five years old, but I remember it was the first time I ever prayed.

And I prayed for God to heal the cat. And when I woke up the next morning, the cat was dead. And I said, I killed the cat. I felt like giving that prayer like I was the one that did it. So now here I am at 44 and I find myself talking You know, I felt like giving that prayer, like I was the one that did it. Yeah.

So now here I am at 44 and I find myself talking to God, but then being like, I don't know why I'm talking to you. He actually turns off God sometimes. He's like, God, I'm not talking to you. Because, you know, because he killed that cat when he was five. Right. Allison, you know, right. They say that you got to watch what you say, right? So when I want to say something that may not be all the way positive, I always

tell God, like, God, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Rebecca. And this is a no negative consequence conversation. There are no negative consequences out of it. Yeah. But I feel like I'm not negotiating with God.

It's just that I still haven't learned enough about the God that I believe in, the God that fills all of me. Yeah. I'm still on that path. And somewhere I feel like it's already inside of me. But we're going to get there. You know, I mean, and again, so, you know, I work with a lot of different people on all sorts of self exploration, right? So a lot of what I do is like sex and intimacy. So we have this conversation, but it applies to lots of other things, including, you know, spirituality,

religion, it's like, you know, we're allowed to change, right? The five year old in you, but like held on and was like, this, I'm gonna say this prayer, and this thing's gonna happen. And now you're 44. And, you know, kind of figured out it doesn't quite work that way. So it's like we get to evolve and change our minds, explore things, try on our lived experience, shake things back up again. So, you know, what I talk to a lot of clients about is just mindfulness, right? And for me, mindfulness, again, big buzzword there, right? And most people mean it in sort of like a meditative state or like mindful eating has come up really influential right now.

When I say mindfulness, I just mean notice what you're thinking. Don't judge it. Hey, look, you know what? I'm having a complicated relationship. What the hell God is? I don't know. I'm figuring it out. You don't have to then like put the shame on top of it because the layer of shame or guilt or just judgment in general, it's it's really heavy.

It's really immobilizing. And there's like no clarity that comes from it. Like I've never seen someone like shame themselves to personal growth or clarity. It's just like, oh, now I get I don't know what to do with that. And I can't even get to. Oh, actually, it might be interesting to figure out where I am spiritually. I just don't know right now. Whatever. That's okay. The thing I struggle the most with in terms of shame or guilt or whatever on a day-to-day

basis is when I go home, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to fold the laundry. She don't want to fuck her husband. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Allison. listen i'd love to talk about sex so you know i mean so i'm laying there and on the couch or whatever i wanted to okay i walked right into that one

so you know i'm sitting there reading a book and when I should be making dinner or whatever. Who says you should be making dinner? Isn't that the question? Who says that you should be making dinner? Well, that's somebody's got to make something if you're going to eat. Right. Yeah. But you're talking to the Grubhub king, okay? I can have you a meal prepared and brought to your door in 33 minutes, okay? I know, you are, you are, you definitely are. No one goes hungry around me. I ain't gonna cook you nothing. And like that word should, right? So we use it all the time. I should do this. I should pay more attention to my kids. I should bang my husband, right? All of the shit that we do or do not do. And it's like, sometimes we don't have resources for that stuff. So if we just, just, you know, again, accept what it is, Hey, I came home,

I'm tired. I don't really want to make dinner. Like I just don't. So what else can I do? You know, I don't know. I can have whatever's in the pantry. I can order Uber Eats. Or cereal. Or cereal, you know, right right taking that pressure off because and not judging yourself because i feel like that's been a big theme on this episode is judgment and it's like stop judging yourself like people say you're like often hardest on yourself absolutely rebecca is if it was in a dictionary, how they say her picture will be next to that statement. Yeah. So, you know, that's, that's working on self. People

know what self-esteem is, right? Like I think most of us understand the concept of do you like yourself, but self-compassion pieces, are you nice to yourself? And it's amazing to me, people who have high functioning anxiety are usually not nice to themselves. And what's difficult about something like high functioning anxiety is your, most people are successful, right? So it's like overworking, not saying no, always doing, going in the extreme, it gets us places, but then it's like, oh, I've come home and I don't know how to shut that off. And I'm still like in that mode of, I need to do everything for everyone all the time.

And like learning how to slow that down is actually really quite difficult for a lot of people it is and you know what and then slowing down it's hard to start back up because i'm like that with food i know i'm supposed to eat yes you know if i stop to eat then i'm not gonna do nothing else i want it that's my husband too he he if he stops to have dinner or whatever and he's out doing yard work and he's got to stop it, have that burger he's done and everything is left in the yard, literally dropped. So I guess in what phase of a person's life would they seek your help? That's a good question. You know, I think it depends. So I see actually, I don't

anymore, but I used to see a lot of teenagers and actually like preteens. When I was in high school in the 90s, I think it would have probably been like super shameful to admit that you were seeing a therapist. It is, at least in the area I am, it's no longer like kids will be like hey go see my therapist you sound like you have problems so it's very like trendy now to to kind of like hook up younger kids with um therapists and that i think is amazing because then we're not 44 and like oh wow i gotta work through all my freaking demons like damn it i didn't learn any coping skills along the way we can kind of like get them sooner. Learn coping skills, communication, a personal effectiveness, all that stuff. But I primarily at this stage in my career currently, especially because I do kind of have

the niche of, I do a lot of sex and intimacy and, you know, non-traditional relationships. So I primarily see adults and they usually usually I mean, people most often come when they have had a problem, right? Like, could it happen? Sure. Someone's like, you know what, let me just curious, let me see a therapist, it's usually something distressing has really happened in their life, which is a bit of a bummer. Because if people did come when they weren't in crisis, I think they might actually get even more out of it. But usually we have to get through the crisis first. And then it's like, okay, now we can work on maybe some deeper work or see what else is going on here.

But usually, yeah, usually people come in, they're freaking out about something, right? And that's something that you can help them with, right? You can help them with the crisis they're going through. And so speaking of sex therapy, right? Well well actually I wanted to say what see I have like a million questions you like messing me up right now right it's your fault it's your fault oh and I just want to tell you I'm not picking up my picking up my nose I got like a nose ring and it does this little twirly thing and um because people

like you're always digging up your nose in the middle of taping. And I'm like, I am, but I'm going to believe it on the nose ring. That'll run across the bottom of the screen. I have a nose ring. I'm not picking my nose. I'm not picking my nose. Is there something that you can do in therapy about me picking my nose? I would say to you.

I'm going to help with that one. Okay. But I did want to ask, how often or how much time do you usually spend helping people change their thoughts? Because I got to imagine for someone like me, not because I think I know it all, but I think I know it all about me. Yeah. I spend a lot of time. No. So, you know, I mean, the way that I practice therapy, and I'm like one woman, one therapist, everybody practices so differently. Right. Right. For me, I honestly, I connected to

what you were saying earlier when people are kind and I'm going to go way further. Like when people are empowered, everyone does better. If everybody felt empowered, we would have an entire different universe. So, you know, for me as a therapist, I would never be presumptuous enough to tell someone like that is how you need to change your thoughts. But what I do is try to ask them the right questions. Like, hey, OK, you're thinking this. How's it serving you? What's happening? Is it working for you?

If it is, great. No contest. If it's not, you know, how do we how do we figure out a way to move you from something that's distressing to something that feels more empowering, that feels more self-assured, that makes you show up to your life in a different way. But I spent an enormous amount of time talking about that. Yeah. I see that because I was looking at your website and I was telling these guys before we aired that your website is so thorough and so packed with information. You have these weekly newsletters that are like jammed with good information. You have podcasts,

you have masterclasses, you have free guides. I'm like, okay, we get it. You like her website. I mean, really,

you have so much. But now what I'm going to have to go through, Allison, is like, when are we going to redo our website? Yeah. Let me tell you, I did mine myself. And if I can do it, anybody can. Your website is amazing. I did mine myself, too. So I did ours myself.

And I ain't getting not one compliment. Well, the reason, yours is just so simple okay because we see a lot we i because we i like to research we he does too but he researches in a different way i like look at the websites and every website that i've visited for every interviewee is different obviously but your website was very streamlined and thank you who's your friendly and i just really liked it everybody go check out the website so my point is definitely we're gonna put the link below because now i'm about to get jealous you talk about her website one more time and you fired okay but um allison i'm about to get jealous. You talk about her website one more time and you fired. Okay. But Allison, I'm about to, we're about to go in head first. All right. And it's going to be such a left field question. And it's serious. I can be serious, but okay. Because I have a friend

and we talk a lot about mental health. I was sexually assaulted a lot when I was younger. I went through a lot of molestation, probably 14 years of it. And she has too. We talk, but we don't talk. We are like the check-in buddy, how you doing? But it's not like an everyday friend. The other day we were talking and she has been having issues where the partner she's with now, she's enjoying sex with them. But the issue is when she was younger and she was assaulted, she enjoyed part of that, too. And and I'm like, I, I treated sex differently where I kind of really don't have it, you know.

So it's like I know that's my trauma dealing with it. And it's like, I can't ask this, answer this question for her because I don't know what it is. And, you know, it's like, I'm not trained in it, but I felt like it was important to ask because it's something that she's bothered with. And I don't think she'll ask anybody else. So I'm putting this out there for her. And it's just, you know, I think it's a valid question. Sorry.

Yeah. I mean, thank you for sharing that. That's, I'm sure not an easy thing to share to the world. You know, so actually that's quite normal. So a very large portion of people who are sexually assaulted, especially when it's, you know, someone like a partner that they knew or a friend that they knew. You know, I think when we think of sexual assault, it's the image that we've been painted is like someone's going to jump out of the bush and like it's going to they're going to tie you down and be this really hellacious thing. And that, of course, can happen. It is it is the minority, right? It's usually someone we know, it's usually a lot of gaslighting that's involved, a lot of manipulation, a lot of grooming. And

when that happens, right, there's still that, that dialectics, right? We can experience something that we know has been absolutely traumatizing and very confusingly also have gotten pleasure from it. And that's a very common experience. So, you know, obviously I would need to like dig way deeper than that, but at least to tell your friend, you know, there's no shame in that. That's really, really common.

And, you know, the way that when I work one-on-one with a client who has that type of experience, we, you know, we start to just talk about like, okay, what does that bring up for you we, you know, we start to just talk about like, okay, what does that bring up for you that you, you, you enjoyed it, right? What part of you enjoyed it, right? Because maybe the part of you that enjoyed it isn't the part that was traumatized, but it's maybe the connection or, you know, I mean, sometimes people are really young too, right? It's their first experiences. Like, you know, they're learning these things. They don't, you

know, I have had clients that don't even know that this was trauma, like traumatic or trauma until they're later in life where it's like, wait, what do you mean? I wasn't supposed, that wasn't supposed to be happening to me. I didn't have that filter though, or that lived experience or that knowledge when the event was happening. So now I have a new perspective looking back that I didn't have before, but in the moment it didn't feel that way. Right. So, you know, I know that's like a very umbrella answer, but I would just start with. It's a good start. And that's kind of what I needed. I needed a place to start with her because, you know, we, my, my assault kind of caused me to, it's pretty crazy because people like to tell me that I'm gay because I was molested when I was younger.

And I would like, no, I was molested because I was gay. So there's like a difference, you know. But I also always think like how how can something so traumatizing also be something so beautiful? And when I say beautiful is my my love with a man, you know. But I am OK not having sex. Like I'm good with it. And, you know, people tell me, I actually, I think the last sex therapist that we did talk to told me I needed to get to know myself. So I went out and bought some Vaseline.

Yes. That's exactly where I would start to. And, but I haven't used it yet. So I'm working my way up to it. Right. Yeah. But. The first step. Yeah. But the first step. Yeah. But I guess it's and it's like, you know, we're like helping each other.

I went through I think I didn't do it healthy. I promise you I'm gonna get to a point because I got 30 points. I don't I don't think I went through my mental health healing journey the correct way because I did a lot by myself. And it was a lot of times where I was too broken to pick myself up. Also, I have a pattern. And one day a month is my period where I feel hopeless and helpless and all the negative things that you can feel, I always feel. And it happens. It's like, I always had to pick myself up from that moment. And I feel like if I would have went through more training,

maybe I would have the tools to be able to handle that one day a month because that one day kills me. Well, because you go every other day of the month being so uplifting and loving and caring and happy for not only yourself, I guess, but mostly for everybody else around you. Yeah. All the people who are listening. Yeah. Honestly. But, um, I mean, so, but what do you say about a person or to, what do you say to a person who is, or was like me and decided I could do it myself. It was also a big trust issue, but, you know, I can do it myself. And I did it myself, you know, kind of.

The thing about trauma, obviously what the events are, are wildly different, but I would say the commonality to anybody who's experienced trauma is their safety has gotten shaken, right? That's almost like the defining quality of what a trauma is, right? It's our physical safety or emotional safety was jeopardized. So, you know, it's super understandable for someone who's been traumatized to become distrusting of others, right? And really learn to rely on yourself. And part of healing from trauma is reestablishing connection. And, you know, if I wouldn't even say that that is the wrong way to do it, there's no

wrong, right way to heal. It's like we get to things when we get to things. I love Maya Angelou and her one of her famous quotes is when I know better, I do better. Right. And, you know, we don't know better until we try some things on. Right. Like, hey, actually, that worked a little bit. That worked a lot. Right.

It turns out I need more support here. It turns out I'm actually not ready for support. It's actually too dangerous for me to really build connection. I need to get to know myself better. So, you know, I mean, I'm the type of therapist that I am. And I think just human that I am, I'm always trying to push forward. Like people just need to be gentler to each other, but certainly to ourselves as well. Right. Like we don't pressure ourselves to do better. So if, if you're finding your way

to healing and it feels really internal and slow, right. Like that's okay. I mean, you know, that's, that's perfectly okay. I'm starting to feel like the sense of peace. And I feel like that's how I know I'm at the right, I'm on the right journey. You know, it's like, I'm starting to feel like that's how I know I'm at the right, I'm on the right journey. Yeah. You know, it's like, I'm starting to feel like, and then my phone rings and it's like, you got a collect call from, because my brother done hit somebody and now he in jail, you know? Oh. Yeah. My random stories. But yeah, I'm finding peace. And all of this, the main point is that I'm finding peace.

Yeah. Now here's the problem, Allison. Okay. I don't want nobody to'm finding peace. Yeah. Now here's the problem, Allison. I don't want nobody to break that peace. Yeah. And I don't want no one to come near that peace. I don't even want to be in a relationship because that

means I'm going to have to share my bed with somebody eventually. And this is my peace. And it took me a long time to actually be able to lay down close my eyes and go to sleep yeah like i didn't do that until three months ago you know i'm saying and now i can sleep without all the ambient and night quill shots and you know it's it's crazy but i don't want no one now. And I know every now and then I do get like lonely or whatever.

I think, I think it's loneliness. It's like, can we just cuddle for five minutes and then you can leave? Yeah. The answer I would say to that is yes. You know, we have different parts of us, right? So there's parts of us that really need like solitude and safety. There's other parts of us that need connection and sometimes they conflict, right? So, you know, I would say go slow. And, you know, as each one of us becomes more evolved, gets to know ourselves better, gets to know our needs better, we can make different decisions. So I work a lot with

people who have non-traditional lifestyles, right? They're in ethical non-monogamy, maybe they have multiple partners. But one thing that comes up pretty often is I see a lot of clients that said exactly what you just said. Like, hey, listen, I want connection. I want, maybe even I want intimacy, maybe even I want sex, maybe I want a partner, but I don't want to cohabitate with anyone ever again. That's okay, right? You get to pick what you want out of this life. And I think, you know, we get so prescribed on how we think we're supposed to do something that we lose sight of what we actually want and whatever it is that you want it's fine and you can also allow that to change right maybe today three

months ago you didn't even couldn't even go to sleep with that ambien okay now you're at a point where there's a little thought of like what would it be like to snuggle with someone right right right right that's okay fall asleep exactly and then oh my other issue is i'm hot i'm too hot for you to be in my bed now i'm hot yep allison she's gonna be like i did this craziest interview and this is i need to come sit on your couch we got some you don a couch? I don't. I'm virtual only post-COVID, so it's quite a wild. You can sit on your own couch.

I can sit on my own couch, which makes it more comfortable. Make sure y'all hit our friend Allison up. Allison, too, I want to send you a pillow, right? Yeah, okay. I'll take a pillow. Yeah, just so when you have... I'm going to say for you, you could come for it for your, for your, for your. So tell us how you could be reached, the services.

I know we kind of talked about that, but let's go ahead and look at your advertisement real quick. Yeah. So I have a practice in New Jersey. I'm actually full at the moment, believe it or not. But I do a lot of mental health talks, tips, trades. So I thank you guys for like having these types of conversations. I am on a huge soapbox of just I think the more we talk about mental health, the more we share our experiences. I said this the other day on a on a reel, but you know, I was trained as a therapist, like never share your story. You are like the person that just never tells your life.

And I've actually found that's like really dehumanizing so I believe in sharing our stories and connecting to each other in this way so um you know I have a lot of social media um my handle is a note from your therapist um pretty much all my stuff I'm a note from like yeah but I do do um newsletters they're free I don't really I don't get anything out of it other than I just, you know, try to create conversations. So, yeah, same here. We're the same way. Anytime that you want to come back and actually get to talk more about you than about me. But Rebecca, you got any more questions? No, I think we covered everything. So I have a silly question, right? Guilty pleasures. What is one you are ashamed of admitting on the air?

Oh my God, that is a great question. What is my guilty pleasure? I don't know how guilty it is, but I have a sick obsession with collecting crystals and that's more or less of a guilty pleasure and more of a embarrassing habit but if you looked in my room right now it it's very has very witchy vibes so that's my uh my you know what if people probably say that like she a witch

don't say nothing wrong about her do not cross her wrong what this is all about and now you start seeing things. So every time we start to see you, we're going to see a black cat because that's how our mind works. That's it. That's it. You're going to be like, that one, yeah. And obviously I love trash. Oh, where else?

Yeah. So, yeah. One more question. Hit me. She's like, hit me. She's like, I'm ready. I'm ready. Actually, I want to introduce you to Crystal.

Crystal's our producer. We got a Crystal, too.. She's like, I'm ready. Actually, I want to introduce you to Crystal. Crystal's our producer. We got a Crystal too. I got a Crystal too. So I'm going to show you. Look, I will show you our Crystal. She got to figure out how to get herself on. Awesome. So this is our Crystal. Hi, how are you? Oh, my bad. I got your mic off. crystal is our producer this year pretty nice so um we actually did prison reform in our first season it was a completely different wow we did a whole year and talked about prison reform it was pretty cool we had used to have offenders call in from prison and talk about things and but it didn't take off the way we wanted to and it was kind of discouraging and i was like eh we i just don't want to do a podcast no more. But then life started to happen. And my dad passed.

And a friend of mine passed. And then my best friend's father died. And then she lost a friend. And I was like, whoa, we kind of like losing, just losing shit. So I guess you know the state of this world right now. Everything that we're going through. And there are still people out there that watch conversations like this and be like, oh, they're retarded. They're stupid.

You know, they believe in this stupid ass shit. Like, I want you to give two closing statements. One to someone who's watching this. I know, right? So I want you to give one to people who are watching this because they want to do something with what they're going through. They are feeling something. They're watching this because they're, you know, because I just heard the other day someone said therapy is for white people, you know, so it's like, it's still stigmas out here. Absolutely, yeah. So people are like, eh. So give them a message, but then also give a message to a person who isn't there yet. Okay, all right, I can do that. You can do that.

So a person who is not there yet and why they should consider getting there. Because to me, it's like, if you feel the urge to post negative comments, you want attention. So like, let's go be in therapy and get the attention you want. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. You can stop now. You know, this is a huge oversimplification for most things, but there is a Instagram type quote that goes by that's like, hurt people, hurt people. And I think that's a wild

oversimplification. With that said, I do think that we don't operate from our best selves if we are hurting right so if you're like in the in the very beginning stages and you're like I don't really know if I want to go to therapy I don't really know what all that means I would say to just get curious and you know I know we didn't really get a chance to talk about I'll make this like super quick but you know for I'm sober curious something that showed up in my life was, um, I just wasn't loving the way alcohol was showing up with my anxiety. So I just got curious, right. That didn't mean that I had to make this entire lifestyle change. I, you know, I just started to understand myself better. So if you were at the very beginning of like things in my life aren't working, whether it's a relationship, relationship

to alcohol, um, a pattern that you have vulnerability, just really start to get internal kind of like the start of your healing journey, right? I had it had to start somewhere. And it's usually starts internally, of just like, is this working for me? That's always like a good way to start. Is this whatever I'm doing? Is it working for me? And then if you're like leveling up, I would say builds community, right? So obviously, I'm biased, I believe in therapy, I would say builds community, right? So obviously I'm biased. I believe in therapy. I believe in the idea of objectively talking to someone who will never see you in your day-to-day life and you can share all your secrets too and they can bounce ideas off

of you. I think that's like a really special relationship, but not everybody has access to that and it's not the only way to get there. So it's just finding whether it's a friend or, you know, a group, right? I have a really beautiful community in my dance studio, right? Like actually there are women that like really lift me up and have been awesome. So, you know, it doesn't have to look so like traditional therapy, you know, even on social part of, part of what I actually mostly don't drink now.

And what got me there was my Instagram accounts, right? I went online and I put like, like, hashtag sober curious, started following all these different people. And I built like a huge community of support about strangers I'll probably never meet in real life. So there's so much support out there on personal growth, mindfulness, how to get out of your own head. There's so many resources out in the out in the world. It's just kind of navigating the good ones, right? Like, it's social media can be awesome. If you're using it correctly. The internet can be both liberating

and a terrifying place. So find the right support is what I would say. Okay, good answer, good answer. So we learned, look, we talked a little bit about compassion. A lot on not being judgmental. And now we find in your support system, your community, I like to say

your safe place. Absolutely. That can definitely be by yourself, but it can also be with somebody that you trust. And check out Allison's website. She does a lot of dope things. We're so glad that you're on. You have to send me your address. I can send you a pillow. You got it. All I want is you to take an Instagram picture with the pillow and to send it to us absolutely all right cool well thank you for being on thank you guys for watching and we'll see you soon thank you guys so much