These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Hey There, Gorgeous: Embracing Your Inner Sensual Vixen with Lala Love | Season 3 - Episode 302

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

Send us a Text Message.Welcome back to "These Fukken Feelings" - the podcast where we bring you the biggest voices in sexual health, erotica, and empowerment. This week, our host, Micah, features a vibrant and insightful conversation with the inimitable Lala Love from the famous "Lala's Bedtime Tales."A renowned sexual health educator, a flair-filled romance author, and a seasoned sex & relationship coach, Lala Love brings a fiery dose of frank discussion about sexual liberation and perso...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up guys? Welcome to these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah here with my guest today. Lala Love. Season three where we're continuing to focus on mental health. Lala, I don't know if you watched episodes before but i have a co-host right she abandoned me to go be in california so i just wanted to make sure

everybody knew and then she was nervous about a sex conversation so i want to say that and then crystal got covid and i might have gave it to her or whatever, but love you, Crystal. So my producer's gone, and my co-host is gone, and I'm flying solo. And so I'm just apologizing to you now for any errors that I might make, okay? Because I talk a lot, I have a lot of questions, and you just might have to tell me to shut up, okay? Okay. All right, all right. So before we get started, something we do in every show, I feel like that no one can tell us about you more than you. So go ahead and tell

our audience a little bit about yourself. Yeah. So I'm Lala. I'm the founder of Lala's Bedtime Tales with a sexual wellness and liberation brand. I am a sexual health educator, sex relationship and love coach, and I am an erotica writer and podcaster. And I empower women to own their sexy in the bedroom. And I love to spread accurate research and evidence-based medically backed sexual health education for adults and i believe that sex should be a beautiful fun and enjoyable thing okay okay you know what i actually i i heard a conversation between uh it was like a older woman oldest compared to the guy like he had to be 17 and she probably was in her 30s you know and they were having a conversation and not that i was eavesdropping but i might have been eavesdropping but she was telling him and she was

like if oh if you're having sex with a girl and she looks like she's in pain she is not enjoying it like that porn shit that you see is not what we need out here and it was just funny that that's the lesson she was teaching so it was kind of cool that you said it shouldn't be painful. So you're you're sex positive and that's pretty cool. I actually went through a lot of trauma when I was younger. So my relationship sex is kind of weird, but I've never had a sexual situation experience that I didn't throw up afterwards. So maybe, you know, by the end of the conversation, I might understand why. Right. And she's like, that's crazy. So what made you decide that this

is where I wanted to go? So for me, I was on my own sexual liberation journey because I myself had experienced sexual trauma and I also had some women's health issues that caused sex to be physically painful. So vaginismus, which is a sexual dysfunction that women can have, it causes pain with penetration. And then I also had endometriosis, which causes some reproductive health issues and also causes painful sex. And so I wanted to get that information more out there. And I also wanted women to understand that we're all innately sexual beings and female sexuality isn't a dirty thing. And on top of that, I also wanted to educate people that sex is a shameful thing. Sex should be enjoyable. And we are sexual beings. We should

be out here having tons of pleasure and enjoying sex and not afraid to talk about it or try anything all of that I don't know it's all right I don't know I say I'm pretty sex positive too but then I have like a weird relationship but um I don't know I'm sitting here thinking about like okay now I choose not to have sex but if it was because sex was painful I don't know know. Like I'd be like, God, what you trying to tell me, Lord? So how was that for you? And like just discovering that was what you were born were, I guess it's like a triple part question, right? And it's something I do because I want to know, like, how was it finding out about that? I mean, you know, when did you find out about it? How? And then the second question, was it like a downward emotional spiral for you? And then the third, when did you want to like, OK, it got to be something that I could do about this? personal story i remember i was having sex and i was like oh my gosh this is like super painful

like i mean i say this to people people are like oh my goodness so it felt like barbed wire was on fire being inserted inside of me and then yes i couldn't go to the bathroom afterwards like it's just anything down there was just super painful and then i got a parkway so did you not stop i stopped at the end see and that's what a lot of women or what we call in the sexual wellness community, vulva owners, we will sit through the pain because oftentimes we're told like, pain during sex is normal.

And it's not. Any type of pain during sex is not normal, unless it's desired pain. Any undesirable pain is not normal. All right. So like, I was, you know, know bearing through it and then it just got really intense afterwards and then after that I couldn't have sex with my husband anymore I was like why does libido just completely drop and then I also was having some other issues so I went to

the doctor and he was like we can't do surgery because of COVID so I'll put you on this medication and it was just a very depressing time and And it put a strain on my relationship. And then during that, after I was finally a year later, able to get the surgery and then I was still having pain. I had that's when I got the vaginismus diagnosis. And vaginismus, what it does is you hold stress in your pelvic floor. So you will. So that's why with the saying a tight that see that is not always a good thing so if if you are too tight where

it hurts to be penetrated or your partner cannot get inside of you because you're so tight that is not a good thing and i'm that tight yeah i have to do pelvic floor therapy and during that it brought up a lot of mental health emotions for me that i thought i had dealt with with my sexual trauma i had moved past and i had and that was another layer and i i thought i feel like i'm about to drive you crazy because we're about to go backwards and forwards at the same time. I'm so sorry. Usually Rebecca is here to like keep me from doing this. But it was like, did you say from stress? Yeah. So anxiety and stress, you can hold anxiety and stress in your pelvic floor and it will cause spasms, muscle spasms that feel like a charley horse happening in your vaginal canal. That's crazy. Okay. So we can move back to that.

We can move past that now. I was just like, wow, it's just you never know why mental health. And I think it's why you're here, because it's important to deal with it, because like stress can legit make you sick. Yes, exactly. Or make sex painful. And who wants that? Exactly. So at what moment was it that you.

So I guess. And then on floor two. So this wasn't something that you was born with you so i guess and then on floor two so this wasn't something that you was born with this is something that came on later yeah this is something that came on on set later and i remember i had like guys when i was younger not younger but like when i started so we call it a sexual debut so when i was in college having sex i had this one guy i like basically like squeezed him out during sex and he came back in and he was like oh my gosh you're like so tight like it was insane but that was me clenching up from stress from the sex and that was probably due to the sexual trauma i had

experienced and that was my body's reaction as like a protection all right oh yeah so that was the crazy thing so when i got about i want to say I was like 28, 29, doing pelvic floor therapy and I found all this out with the vaginismus and the stress being held in that area. And that was being a physiological response to the mental health issues of me trying to have sex that I kind of started feeling really heavy about what was bothering me and I went to my therapist and she was like you know try to find a sense of community try to find a way to deal with this because if you can't get out of your mind no matter what you learn with the pelvic floor therapy you won't be able to have enjoyable sex well that's where Lala the Bedtime Tales was born because I was like I heard about women having sexual dysfunction issues after giving birth but as a female, you can only hear about erectile dysfunction. But there's so many female sexual dysfunctions that you can have that no one ever talks about because female sexuality is taboo. And I had never had children, did not even know I could even have sexual dysfunction as a young woman.

I am like floored right now. It was like all the questions I thought I was going to have. No, but Lala, you ain't had to come up here and do this to me. You got it. No, but I thought about it. I'm about to say something that's so horrible. But she was like, you found out during COVID. And I was like, she did not just lose her virginity. You know, I lost that back in high school.

Right. That's you know, I'm like, hey, you look like's you know I'm like hey you look like you know you could have been my cousin so I know but okay so now so it's like you you were was it that you were having sex and you weren't over your sexual trauma yes I was having sex and I wasn't over my sexual trauma and then also to um the endometriosis also impacted my sexual experience from a physical standpoint. So from both a physical and mental standpoint, it was just causing me not to have enjoyable sex. Right. So now on top of the arguments you have with your husband, you also fighting with yourself. How did you find yourself? What was your motivation to get out of that? My motivation to get out of that oh my motivation to get out of

that was one I loved my partner and I didn't want sex to be the reason that we ended and then also too um I wanted to be I didn't want my abusers to have that stronghold over me I did not want to lose that power I had already felt so powerless with them i didn't want them to rob me of something that wasn't supposed to be a terrible experience especially when now i was in a relationship with someone i loved and that's supposed to be an act to bring us closer together i didn't want them to rob me of that wow and and that's deep that it happens to so many people but i know you didn't always think that way. So how did you and I ask this a lot. Our audience is a lot of people who are searching for a way, you know, that people to come up. I always call it $50 words like they're not ready for the $50 words.

Like give us the quarter sentences, you know, that we can understand and make it simple. And one thing that I always get people ask me was like, when did you know that you needed to deal with the sexual trauma to happen? Like, how did you start? When did you notice? And I guess I wanted to ask, you know, my thing was, I just found myself being lower. I put myself in a situation where I had to be by myself. I moved away from everybody for a job. So I had, you know, I had to be with no one but myself. So I didn't have a distraction from allowing me to get to know myself. And I started to realize how hurt I was and pain and yada, yada, yada. This isn't about me.

But my point is, you know, it was like through that that I realized, like, this isn't life. Like, I can't believe that you're supposed to exist to be this miserable. Yeah. Life happens. Well, I get that. But I even feel like that sentence is too negative. You know, like life happens should be about happiness. Like, yo, life happens. Like we just party because life is happening. But so I bring that question to you. And just to tell you, I guess the simple but yet complex answer that I'm looking for. Yes, we're kind of similar, right? So in just, you know, a short little summary, basically was, okay, so when I was young, when I was in my young adult years, I was the, I was a fuck girl. I was

a fuck boy equivalent. So I got to a point with someone where I just really, really liked them and I fell in love. And I was like, I want to have a point with someone where I just really really liked them and I fell in love and I was like I want to have meaningful relationships with someone where I can grow and evolve and it'd be pleasure centered and so I realized I was being as closed off as a lot of men were in certain situations that I was meeting up with and it just wasn't fulfilling the older I got and so I was like I met this amazing person so let me be that amazing person for this person and I got tired of hurting and then during COVID you know you're locked away you're there so you're just in your mind with your thoughts and I was just like I shouldn't still be having nightmares

so yeah this is right to add you should or you shouldn't really it's hard to say you shouldn't think about it but you shouldn't think about it you know and yeah like yeah because trauma will live with you every day but it shouldn't be a distant memory it shouldn't be consuming you consuming your thoughts and making life unbearable you know and i had a my story's a little more crazy i promise we're gonna get into lala's bedtime stories bedtime tales with your clothes oh sorry we're gonna get into it a minute right but it's kind of i haven't been able to have like this sex conversation with somebody right you're not asking anything so i was kind of i went through my phase

where i was well it wasn't a phase i wasested from probably, I feel like my first memory is of a guy being sexual with me. You know, I was like, when I go back to like my first memory, it wasn't being held to my mom. It was my body being violated. And it happened from there up until probably about 14, you know, so a long stretch. But I think what confuses me is that in my head, I always thought that I loved them, you know, like I knew they were hurting me, but it was still that I loved them. You know, so now my understanding of love, I feel like is is so spruced. You know, it came down to like, OK, I need I had to learn. I love myself. And I'm like, people tell you this shit your whole life and it's like the most craziest cliche you'd be like that corny ass

shit oh yeah i'm supposed to love me but it's true you're supposed to love you so what when did that happen to you did it happen in the middle of after being married to your husband while you're going through this journey so it is actually, first I'm going to say, um, thank you for sharing your story because that takes a lot of strength and bravery. It's extremely hard. And then also to, um, for me, it's still, it's still going. Uh, I feel like self-love is a journey. And for me at this point, I'm trying to get more to acceptance and contentment and through that and kind of piggybacking off of what you said about how you it worked your thought process about love because even with my abusers I had a feeling of love and respect from them and so it's untangling that and then re-examining and redefining

what your definition of love sex sex, and relationships are. And that evolves over time because we're constantly growing. So I am still on that journey and learning it. But as the older I get, what? Sorry, go ahead. As am I. Yeah. And the older I get and the more I immerse myself, especially in sexual wellness and learning along with anyone that I help,

it just changes my perspective on a lot of stuff. And so that's kind of where I'm learning. But definitely, I mean, I had to hit rock bottom multiple times and be like, you know, this is not it. And then my mom, who her background is social services and she did social work, she will say once you hit rock bottom the only place you can go is up and so each time that's kind of where my self-love journey has restarted right and and it's true so many things you said but one thing i wanted to point out was you said like you define what love sex and relationship is it's kind of cool that you point out that it's about you

you know essentially is about i you you know, me, the person. So that was, that was, that was really, really cool. And then also just to know, like you said, that, you know, healing, it's all the process. Yeah. And you will feel like you healed and fall down and bust your face and have to go through healing again, you know? But I feel like my issue now is that I'm looking for that to happen. Life has been pretty good, right? So, I mean, I'm not in a relationship and I probably haven't had sex in five years, but whatever.

We're not talking about me. But life is like other than, and I don't miss that yet. You know, it's like, I don't, I guess I'm kind of cool where I'm at. But for me, it's like life is good. And I'm like, this shoe is going to drop. I know it's about to come, you know. So I guess it's bad to think that way. And I guess that's my point.

Yeah, I mean, right. We can only like, you know, there's 90 percent of stuff that we can't control. And the 10 percent that we can is what we should focus on. So if you just keep focusing on that 10%, you can control 90%. You know, we just got to deal with the hand that's dealt and keep it moving. But, you know, just really focus on that 10%. Because at the end of the day, there's one girl once told me, because I used to be an extremely negative pessimistic person, and she told me, whether I looked at the glass half empty or half full, just remember it's always refillable. a snap snap and i

can i drink that like yeah look are we filling it with gray goose yes ma'am yes sir yep you know what i had that too negative okay so church a little bit i'm about to have a conversation with you lala was like boy i'm over here to talk about my stuff you're good you're good a good conversation is a good conversation. Right. We're about to be here having a little casual. I was it's something that's something that's been hitting me lately because I try to think about like where my mindset comes from, because I condemn myself a lot. You know, like say somebody calls and they're like, hey, I need to borrow $400. And I'm like, I don't have it. But I kind of have it it I condemn myself so much you know that's

just one example but I'm just really big on condemning myself I I get upset when I get upset it's like oh what made you get upset but that was always a big thing with like church and God like God's gonna send you to hell you know what I'm saying or make sure you ask for forgiveness God's gonna send you to hell you you sin every minute of saying? Or make sure you ask for forgiveness. God's going to send you to hell. You sin every minute of your life. And that was, like, so ingrained on me as a child. And then I went to, like, a school, like, Catholic. So I was going to school to do my communion and stuff and yada, yada, yada.

But anyway, I ended up being kicked out of class, right? So that kind of put it like, damn, I'm going to hell, hell. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm all the way going to hell. So then now everything I did from that point in my mind was a sin. And then on top of that, I'm being violated, which is even more of a sin. And it's like now I can't say anything because, you know, my family members might get killed. But not saying anything is a sin.

And these people violated my body. And here I am now in my 40s. But no, in my 40s, and it's like I still find myself condemning myself for not giving away the $400. You know, it's just sitting in the bank. It ain't doing nothing. Just give it to them. But then, you know, people are like, you're an enabler. And I'm like, I don't want to be an enabler.

I just want to be a good person. Yeah, right. Question in the air. But we can go ahead and talk about that yeah so right you gotta heal your inner child right so that's what all of us have to do and oftentimes all of us think that a lot of narratives that we hear are innate behavior or things that we should be doing when a lot of it is learned behavior and social constructs that have been forced upon us so what i like to tell people is

you have to really sit with yourself and figure out who you are. And like you said, I'm a Black Baptist, so we always say God knows the heart, right? Like you're not giving them the $400 out of ill intent, so that makes you not an evil person. Like that $400 is sitting there. It could be there for a rainy day. You have a purpose for it as to why you can't give it to them. But then I'd be thinking, what if my purpose is't give it to them but then my i'd be thinking what if my purpose is to give it to them like what if god gave it to me to give it to them then you would give it to them like it would be placed on your heart to give it to them and nothing could stop you from giving them that $400 that's how i would think about it read a church real quick

yeah right so i always say sit with yourself and i'm a huge proponent of journaling because i feel like if you can get the thoughts i'm a person that deals with a lot of anxiety and depression. So if I can get those thoughts out of my head and onto paper, it's like me evicting them from my mind, whether they be positive or negative in the race. So I always tell people sit with themselves and write down their thoughts of what they believe or what they've been taught to believe. And then the other side write down who you think you are who you want to be and what your actual beliefs are and if you can like let go of those shackles that society has put on you and you're buying about stuff it'll free you to be able to walk into who you truly want right and that was at the bar she

said taught to believe and that's right because that's what i was taught to believe and i try to shake it. I try to shake like I be trying to like everything I'm going through right now. I mean, you want a top 10 podcast right now, you know. So not to brag, but that's a brag, you know, top 10. And we've been top 10 since August. I mean, since April, we premiered and it's's like I probably really don't say shit for real you know and so it's like me second guessing myself again and then it's like ah so I am at that point now in my journey so like I dealt with a lot of trauma but now I'm dealing with the trauma I place upon myself yeah that's kind of my journey so I'm gonna use your advice and um and kind of write out my my plus and good and you know, what what I was taught to believe. Yeah. What I believe or think I believe or I'm leaning towards believing. But if you want, it's like that I want to get there, you know. But I did just write a book, Love Beyond the Battle.

It's a story about cancer and redemption. I'm a cancer survivor. Just had to plug that, too, because I also believe in writing. The book came out of nowhere and it was just like, hey, I'm going to write a book because of love. I felt like I kicked cancer's ass because I love it. So now, let's go into La La's

Bedtime. No bedtales. La La's Bedtime Tale. It is bedtime. Dang it, I should have went with our first thing. You got me over here hyped, right? I feel like I just smoked and drank three shots of tequila okay that's how you got me over here like fellas lala's bedtime tales yeah what's going on with it so from the audio erotica standpoint what really got me into that was i found so much healing through erotica. And with that, so basically, erotica is literature that's supposed to be sexually stimulating and arousing, and it can

have mental and sexual health benefit. I remember I used to read it when I was like in high school, and I'd be like, why is this calming me down? And then it also made me more sex positive like it helped me be able to speak more openly about sex it helped me not shy away from my sexuality and owning it and so I started doing research and I found that there was like evidence and research proven reasons as to how erotica can help your sexual health and your mental health. And one of the things for me that was really big was the trauma healing aspect, because there's this thing called misattribution of arousal. So basically, the feelings that you get during anxiety or stress where you're having like a heart racing and all your senses are heightened, those are the same feelings, physiological feelings that your body gets during sex and arousal.

So there have been research studies that show that you can, if you read or listen or watch something erotic, that can help as a grounding technique because it changes those feelings of stress and anxiety to where pleasurable feelings that are related to sexual stimulation arousal, which then releases feel-good hormones like serotonin, dopamine.

So it's okay just to be aroused all day? I mean, there's really nothing wrong with it. I mean, it's a made behavior. Now, if it's destroying your life, you can't do anything else, and that's an addiction, and then that's another another issue but if it's not keeping you from anything but it giving you that afterglow and people look at you thinking oh she looks blessed or oh she looks good and it's like yeah girl i just masturbated and that's a great thing what you know what does that for me right now what fruit roll-ups your box is bay that the fruit roll-up box is bay let me tell you it's so bad that i was like i'm gonna do an instagram video and i'm just thinking like damn i'm cute you know in the video and fruit roll-up wrappers all around my neck i said this don't make no sense but so that's that that's what i feel that way about every time i think about a roll-up i'd be at work like oh i can't wait to

get to these fruit roll-ups and then i have to bring some joy i saw a tiktok the other day about if you put ice on it then it turns it crunchy we about to do that but erotica it can be anything that is it any well not anything i know fruit roll-ups isn't erotica or can it be i mean you can make anything erotic because anything can technically be a kink or a fetish if it heightens your sexual experience so i mean you can make anything erotic so there are people who get off from like balloons i know this girl that who makes legit i feel like i don't want to tell a story but then i feel like if people know who i'm talking about it's because she told them right

but she picked this guy pays her a thousand dollars to watch her eat i'm like i like to eat too like can you come watch me that's a food fetish yeah that's that's that's actually food play is actually a very common thing like cheeseburgers and french fries yeah anything involving food that helps them get sexually stimulated or high in their pleasure it's a kink and that's part of food play kink yeah there are people who just want to watch so now i'm going to this question only because you know like i find it weird or i did talking to you i'm starting to see like maybe it's not you know what i'm saying like maybe i am getting off of these food roll-ups but when do you know or not that when is a sensitive question because there's you know

what we're talking about is doing things healthy sounds like anything can kind of be in that category. Like if you've done this to you, it can be healthy and in a healthy category. But what are some keys to know that it's not healthy? Anything that is overtaking your life. So like, for instance, I'll just take porn for an example, because we hear about porn addictions. Anything where you cannot go to work, associate with other people, if someone tries to take it away from you, you have like this, you know, anger, rage, you hit rock bottom, anything that is disrupting the healthy flow of your life? Yes. No, no, definitely. And then I'm going to go into this question. There are a lot of people who, and just because we're having a sexual conversation you know i feel like

they're like predators you know there are a lot of child monsters and uh sexual assaulters and those kind of things out there but i feel like those people won't have to be not all you know i'm saying i feel like sometimes we talked earlier about society like society makes certain kinks or fetishes or erotica a negative thing so now people suppress it and so they can't release it you know the proper way so if i guess the question is how uh what would you say to people who want to explore where it doesn't become sickening you know so yeah so with predators so the issue with predators is right sex, sex should be between consenting, all consenting parties and children, animals, anything that can't consent. That's when you start getting into that dangerous territory. Right.

So and so, I mean, just blanket statement. I always like to say sex should be between two consenting adults. I don't know where you can make those sound decisions, but right for you. But when it comes to like, that's what I meant to, I promise I wasn't thinking about all the rules. Yeah. Yeah. No,

I just like to throw that out there. And then there's like definitely trained clinical sex therapists that can help with any of those things that might be considered, you know, sexual issues. That definitely, like she said, seek out somebody.

You can even email me and we'll help you find somebody. Yeah, exactly. Right That definitely, like she said, seek out somebody. You can even email me and we'll help you find somebody. You know? Yeah, exactly. Right. Yeah, exactly. Same. So, yeah.

So like Dr. Look, Dr. Jordan Soper. She's out in Vegas. I had her on my The Intercourse Discourse. Clinical sex therapist. Many, many years.

Phenomenal person. You can reach out to her on Instagram. Definitely help you. But. List all her contact information in our website and yeah yeah definitely yeah so um kink exploration and fantasy exploration that all the people feeling ashamed of doing that so just to throw this out there one in four people have tried a kink or fantasy fantasy. So that's actually a very common thing. And oftentimes when people have hesitation or shame around it, it's because we've grown up in a Puritan society

where sex is looked at as a shameful, you know, stigmatized thing. So when quite naturally, if you want to do something that's quote-unquote considered a cheat or a fetish then you feel some kind of emotions that maybe this isn't right or am i normal and you most definitely are um kinks will hide in your sexual experience and a fetish is something that you need to get off for sexual gratification um and oftentimes so the most common kinks that you'll see are group sex power exchange which is like bdsm body fluids um feet and anything to do with feet feet shoes hosiery anything like that um so if you're doing

any of those things it's called kink play. There are scenes and it's completely normal. I don't know why when you said power, power and exchange or power play. I don't know why right away I went to magic and I'm like, I want to do that. I don't want to be tied up. So never mind. I mean, there's other ways to do power play and exchange. There's a whole, we can just dive into that. That's all it will be.

I actually wanted to go back a little bit right i thought y'all was gonna do this to you because i feel like uh i didn't explore your healing we didn't explore it to the point that like what made you decide what this is what you wanted to do so we know that you went through this issue with your husband through covid we got that part but then you kind of hey rock bottle you was a vase broken right yeah how did you pick yourself up did someone help you did you just some like therapists so one of my favorite things that's another thing i was boohooing crying to my husband and he was like you know i love you but you might need to go talk to someone like an expert that was also a reason

that i was talking to my mom and they both kind of said the same thing and I was like okay and you might need to do some things and so one of the things she talked about was what brings you pleasure and what helps you you know come down and I was like erotica or audio erotica which is dipsy I would use this app I would listen to it and it would help me you know mentally go. That's another thing too. So if you are a woman or a vulva owner, and there's this thing called a realism, sound actually plays a big role for women in mental and sexually stimulating. It can bring you down, help your mental health, but it can also arouse you and turn you on. So I was like, you know, I'm really feeling erotic and selfish. She's like she's like okay well I want you to do

this journal exercise I want you to take some of the experiences that you didn't like that you had sexually that you have negative feelings about and I want you to turn it into a story how you would have wanted it to happen well and so then that's how the erotica writing started and then also I have a realism so I get off on like sounds and erotic sounds, regular sounds. I could be listening to a sound bath and it's sexually stimulating. I was like, okay, for my podcast, let me tell an erotic story, some sound effects, add some music, and let's get it popping. And so that's what I did. So I found healing from writing my story. And then I also wanted to help others in the same boat find healing mentally and sexually through the listening.

It's so cool. So now when you started to go through this stuff, is it now your life around you starts to replicate your healing? Yeah, it's always great. It's always great to look back and be like, you know, because when you're going through the process, which, of course, I'm still am, when you're going through the process, you just feel all that pain and you don't release, you don't realize it and the growth that you're going through as well. And so when you get to like a little bit further down the line, you're like, dang, you know, I'm not in that hole anymore. I'm a little bit higher up. Like, you know, I'm closer, like, you know, I'm starting to see the sunlight more right so that's

always great to look back but then it's also dope because because you're seeing the sunlight now your family around you is also starting to see some sunlight that is true too yeah so it's just my it was just my takeaway for what you were saying that when i heal everybody heals everybody starts to heal so that was pretty dope and um yeah not you know not to paraphrase your words i heard everything you said you know oh yeah but i love that and also too also to just in relationships in general and this is platonic as well not even just romantic people always talk about to be your best self you have to be healed and you have to be your whole self but that's not always true because people heal better in a sense of community so the ones that truly love you the truly fuck with you the riding with you, they'll understand and they'll meet you at the place where you're at to help you on your healing journey.

Which will also help you grow more. So like you said, as you heal, the people around you will heal and they'll notice, they might notice through your journey, areas of their life they need to work on as well. It's an amazing part of healing. It definitely is, except for when you make the person become an asshole okay yeah you know what i'm talking about so huh but no definitely i feel like that was one of the bad things i did is that i healed alone i was like right there at the cliff and i was kind of looking over and i was like but just the fact that i got that close was the reason why I was like, we need to create a podcast for people like me who can't listen to,

I'm not going to call nobody's names, but you know, some of these podcasts out there get very, very technical. It's like, okay, that'll be good if I was there. But I came up with this and it's like, yeah, let's talk about these fucking feelings we having because we need to deal with them we need to get we should never be at that edge yeah and I love that you said that too because that was one of my things too right like in therapy they might give you some of the tools that you need or something like that but if it's like okay I want to go have sex with my husband or my man, and I'm in so much pain, and I'm afraid of it coming up. Like, how do I approach that situation? They might not be able to give you

any advice, whereas maybe someone who's like a coach or a friend could be like, okay, girl, this is what you need to do. I love that you talked about that, because yes, some people get super technical, you can't really follow, and it's like, it's great, but we're the people who are on my same level that can help me understand how to get through it based off of what they do so i gotta put the water in and then the flower exactly yeah yeah and then i also feel like there's so many methods um to healing you know like i i went through where a doctor right away put me on prescription and now I'm taking antidepressant. But now I'm realizing that my darker thoughts were getting darker. And so it was like, no, why we didn't discuss this?

Why wasn't I more informed? Why didn't I look more instead of just taking this one person saying I needed medication? Not saying anything's wrong with medication. I feel like medication, it wasn't what I needed. Yes. And I talked to this amazing trauma therapist named Janet B Therapy on Instagram. I had her come and we talked about sexist trauma and healing from that. And one of the beautiful things she said was therapy comes in many ways. So whereas for some people talk therapy might work, journaling might work, butaling might work,

but she says some other people, it could be exercise. It could be video games. It could be reading. It could be anything. So whatever gives you that sense of calm is therapeutic in your way to work through things. So yes, what you said was amazing. Yeah. So healing and therapy comes in multiple ways. Because I'm trying to get to the point where I could be about this erotical stuff. Mm-hmm. You know? Because I know, like, now, like, I can be, say you're in a crowded room

and someone walks past you. When's one of the first things they do? They grab your hips. Yeah. Why are you touching my hips? That, instantly. Now I feel violated. Yeah.

Heading, and I'm high, and now I don't want to be here. What's wrong? I'm like, nothing, I'm high and now I don't want to be here what's wrong I'm like nothing I'm good but I'm really not good and this is the same thing I did when I was six I didn't tell people that I wasn't good you know yeah so it's like you know it was like a journey but I want to get to the point where having a sexual conversation is easy and and even though this this hasn't been that sexual even though it's about to get there because i got some questions but uh you did make it easy to kind of talk about things that you know in the past kind of made me uncomfortable so yeah thank you for coming on awesome yeah because one of the best ways to get comfortable about talking about sex is talking about sex

it's hard and it's a process and it can start small like and I always tell people don't even just share the highlight reel because bringing back to what you said was I remember my freshman year of college everybody was like talk about your first time my first time with sexual assault but I should have been empowered enough to talk about that because there's so many other people that have had that journey and i could have freed them through my story so just talking about sex is how we normalize and right right right and then it i mean it's still all about your comfortability you're feeling safe yeah it should be somebody in your life that you feel safe talking exactly yeah and then if you don't have that then you need to reevaluate the friends in your life. Yeah, that's true, too.

That's something like that. If it's her first person, she says, do you have anyone that you think you can talk to on a terrible day? And I'm like, hell yeah, I got a homegirl. She said, OK, good. So as long as you have that one person you can talk to, then you're good. I have a friend, my best friend, Pam. I'm actually going to name her out. My best friend, Pam.

We have been best friends for over 30 years. Like, I taught her son how to walk. So there's a debate about who taught her son how to walk. was me he so it's the person that he's walking to right so then i was the one that taught him how to walk right yeah you were his safe space he was coming to see you he's like okay yeah so you taught him so pam you heard that pam but a friend is oh now i feel like maybe i shouldn't talk about her. But because she's like the kind of person, like she's very into church and tithing. And we went ATVing. I took her to Vegas.

We went ATVing. And in her ATV, she in there praying, singing gospel music. Now, what we see on the outside is Pam doing stunts, flipping, doing all this crazy stuff. But what's she going through? She crying to the Lord. Please help me see my way through this. You know, Pam. And so this is two Pampers.

So, and then in the same conversation, she'd be like, nah, I'm about to get my pussy ate. And I'd be like, rude. And like, you know, so for a long time, it always like baffled me that she was just so open about it. And then I felt like because she was a churchgoer, she shouldn't be talking about it. Because, you know, we talked about earlier how I had a little issue with church. So now I'm like, girl, you ain't going to happen.

You over here just saying you about, you know, but it was like now it's like, don't handle your business. You know, now it's getting easier. But for a long time, it made me, like, so uncomfortable. So I feel like you and it's because i still wasn't like admitting you know it's really bad because my family finds out what happened to me through this podcast right because i feel sometimes i feel like some stories are insignificant and then you come on and it's like i tell you everything and she was like i just said hi yeah and i feel like right like there's different ways to

tell people stuff so i feel like them finding out through the podcast isn't the worst it's like you said it's where you feel comfortable and it's also that barrier there right like my thing is i'm a i'm a writing person so i'm gonna write you a letter about what happens i mean but i can never talk to the face about it but i know i just my family probably just wish that you know it ain't you you would talk yeah of course that's how my mom felt about stuff like uh-huh baby i'm glad that you got a number 10 podcast but you know 200 million people listen to that right yeah right exactly because that's how my mom would be she'd be like the first thing in her mouth is don't put my name in a book don't say anything about me don't talk about my business like and my mom always like

why you always find a way to bring me up in every podcast but that's because she's my best friend that's sweet yeah so okay cool so now let's talk about some sex stuff so because i'm like i'm i'm at my point where like i'm on explore right now i just learned that there's like something called the side and there's like a person or a gay male that doesn't like ass play. So I was like, well, maybe I'm a side. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But then there ain't no sides out here.

Might be. I wonder, are you on Grindr or anything, trying to? Well, I tried Grindr, but then it's, like, I wasn't ready for that yet. Okay. Grindr went from, like, meet me in the bathroom with the... The anonymous sex. Yeah, I had a friend that told me

about the anonymous sex. And so I need something more like Christian Mingles, but for gay people. Got you. So I need one of those. I still get very, like... I, too, I feel like I have finally, like, officially dealt

with my sexual trauma. And that's why I can joke about it. And I know it's so stupid that my sexual trauma and that's why I can joke about it and I know it's so stupid that I can joke about it but I can joke about it because it's just life is funny and irony and it's kind of not like that funny haha funny but that haha funny you know did that make sense yeah and also I want to say is never feel bad about your feelings and how you express them because your feelings are yours and your perspective is your truth so i'd be like i'm talking about you know like cancer i always say funny things about cancer too just because i had really funny things happen during cancer you know

i was vacuuming the floor one day and there was a piece of lint so the vacuum would not pick up the piece of lint so i go bend down pick up the lint look at it and then put it back down to try to vacuum again and it's like it was just in your hand why you just didn't throw it in the door why yeah you know so like i went to things like that so to me that's funny but you know it's you know i get the people were like it's like oh well you shouldn't joke about the side effects of you know this that and other like well it was a funny side effect and then i'll get the like oh well at least you made it and it's like that's why i'm not complaining well that's why i i give it love and joy because i made it you know exactly live your truth how you want to live your truth so go ahead yeah so i'm scared to still scared to explore sexually right but i know

i want to i just don't know what's holding me back like what what are things that you would tell me to do like what are i i always like to say uh everything starts right first with yourself so i feel like your sexual confidence and your sexual self-image are two things that you want to understand. And before I had sexology for Brianna, she said this, which I thought was amazing is amazing lovers aren't born their mate. So in order for you to get the most pleasure out of sex and be and give your partner pleasure, you have to first understand who you are. And your biggest sex organ is your brain. So you might want to write through, like going back to what we said earlier, write through your thoughts about your sexual self, like what you want to explore, anything like that.

So you could do a sex bucket list. There's something called a yes, no, maybe list, which is what you're willing to do, what you fantasize about, and what's a hard no. And you can do this alone. I feel like first is a good time. And then when you get a partner or partners, you can do this with them as well. So you can all be on the same page. And then I also say with your sexual confidence, a lot of that's going to start with masturbation,

exploring your body, understanding your body. And your body has over 35 erogenous zones. If you're in, if you're not into butt play, there's so many things you can do to get off and get pleasure that has nothing to do with that. And then also too, I don't know if you know this, but like you can stimulate your prostate, which the prostate for men is like what they consider like um a g-spot for women you can do that from external like you don't have to actually go into the anus to stimulate that and have orgasm so you can have anal stimulation with externally but also as well um so just kind of like fill out your body figure out what's holding you back based on how you're defining sex how you're defining you know

relationships and then also you have to love your body as well and when i say that i mean like come to a body acceptance right so you have to appreciate your body for what it does for you find out how to please it yourself because if you don't know how to please it you can't tell other people how to please you just redefine and recourse your thinking about sex and that's going to help with exploration and then with the exploration piece as well you're not going to know what you want until you experiment so like try everything and then also too you can use erotica or you can use so erotica and porn are entertaining pieces but they can also get the thoughts flowing about different stuff right like

if you might be curious about group sex or certain kinks you can watch or read about it and then go do further research and follow credible sources to see actually how to um you know explore it and actually bring it into real life in your bedroom or wherever but yeah but a lot of it is self-work starting with redefining exploring your body and getting to a point of body acceptance that's pretty cool and it's one thing because until you said that i was like damn i never really like i trust i'm comfortable with my body because i'm like i'm in my 40s now so i don't need to care about all that stuff even though it's hard with gay people because if you ain't got no six-pack

that you ain't got no six-pack you know i've heard that i've heard that my friends have told me something like dad can y'all just want some dad vibes like i got a cool personality you know it's someone out there it is well can you call me if i my number he is but no seriously i never consider myself sexy i never like thought or think or have thoughts about me being sexy once again that i know probably stems from trauma because i wanted to be invisible like too many guys already saw me in my life um and oh that i'm not gay because i was sexually assaulted so that little stigma that's out there like you guys go somewhere with that yeah that is that's that's a misconception how can i be happy from trauma

it's legit i know that i'm gay because i be thinking about women and they just bleed a little too much for me and anything that bleed for seven days and don't die i ain't fucking with you know what i'm saying so bleed that long you supposed to be dead so i know i am all the way gay right but then i just don't like men that's my problem well i feel i feel like that that can be with anyone and their partners they can feel that way because i mean i was in the same boat i told my husband that like as from my experience as a heterosexual cis woman i feel the same way my husband would be like you don't like men and i'm like i sure don't and i have friends i have a friend she loves women but the first thing on her mouth is oh you know women ain't shit so I mean it's telling those relationship traumas that can help you find the partners that

actually you know are fit for you right like I love to say to people right like there's no such thing as a perfect relationship just two people or three or however many because there's people who are an ethical nominatum relationship like I like i want that though i know i'm gonna get tired real quickly like i know like i'm gonna want you to hold me today but tomorrow i'm gonna want to sleep by myself so yeah go ahead and go to shilla house you know i'm saying yeah i kind of want a bisexual man because i want i want him to have kids and i could be the stepmom okay okay so just to let you know. Yeah. Yeah, that works too. You could do like a, you could do like a surrogacy type situation too.

Yeah. There's actually, so I don't want to pass on my germs. Isn't that crazy? Like I really, and then I feel like with my life and the things I've been through, I don't want to pass on my DNA.

Oh, so you just want to be like that cool step-mom that people come seeing, but then you can send the kids back at the end of the day. Right. You want to be the cool auntie. that people come see, but then you can send the kids back at the end of the day. Right. You want to be the cool auntie. That's what you want. Like, take this candy, baby.

Go ahead. I got a broom, so I don't care that you make a mess. Yeah. But then eventually, yeah, you get to go home. But definitely, like, when we can heal our unhealthy relationship traumas, because a lot of stuff is trauma bonds our soul ties when we can break free of those so we can open ourselves up so not all type of one people are bad like there's definitely someone out there for everyone or multiple like i said oh and i now i know i made this whole interview about me girl sorry i put you that's good really these fucking feelings podcast is a front for free therapy

so um you know I love it but but I know that you focus a lot on women and the comfortability of women and why I know I guess I wanted to talk about why they're so important not just to you but why it should be important yeah so I actually believe in an inclusive, judge-free space. So if you are, so yes, I deal with women and films or vulva owners because that better aligns with my experience, but also as well. I can't buy this vulva, you don't vote. So if you don't have a vulva, but hey, a lot of stuff I talk about, it goes for everyone it does it's a

blanket statement it can go for everyone especially like the sex education piece like everybody can learn from that and I definitely have different information on my website for the LGBT plus community and I also know people who work specifically with that community that I can definitely give their information as well but also there's this pleasure or orgasm gap, right? So this is going to be a conversation from a heteronormative perspective. From male and female, 96% of males have an orgasm every time they have sex. 60 to 65% of heterosexual women have orgasms every time they have sex 60 to 65 percent of hetero cis women have orgasms every time they have sex with a penis owner so that tells me the issue is with the causing of the gap for women getting the pleasure they need it and a lot of that is stigmatized from how female sexuality and women

as sexual beings are looked at in society like we even go back to the kiki palmer situation like what was wrong with her going out having fun at an usher concert like why was she called all different types of names oh my god for real and therefore you don't stop being a sexual being because you have children you don't any of that so it's changing that narrative and allowing women to understand that pleasure is their birthright pleasure is everybody's birthright and everybody should enjoy it like sex is a healthy normal innate thing so that's just where it comes from because I'm just like women should be enjoying sex and we don't see a lot of that talked about in the open and there's so many women that say that they don't have orgasms they don't know how to have an orgasm so it's

helping women find and own that sexy because there's so much power from tapping into your erotic self like they've even done studies the confidence you have in the boardroom uh also correlates with the confidence that you'll have in the bedroom so if you can feel your most comfortable and most confident in your most vulnerable place which is usually naked in in sex if you can tap into that confidence everywhere else you go in your life you can tap into that same confidence and feel like you know the baddest bitch in the room all right okay so maybe i just think about you know what when i leave here i'm going straight to have sex be careful with that you know you got to think about safety and se if you have conversations about st, consent, like all of that.

I always tell people that I'm about to get home kits. Okay, yeah. You're going to take them and drink wine and talk so you can stimulate my mind first. Yeah. And then I know you ain't got nothing. But no, okay. Yeah.

So I know you gave advice and you have been giving advice and we talk a lot about trauma and about mental health. But there is some people right now watching us mad at this whole episode because they haven't had any sexual trauma that they think, you know, so I never experienced that. So this is only advice to people who have sexual trauma or it's just like you said, a belief system that was given to them. You know, what do you say to those persons who who to those people who feel like they don't fit the rest of the mold of like our whole conversation you know because i know there's some people out there like this isn't for me but it is and and what would you say so also one thing too is sexual

trauma necessarily isn't always assault so like for instance it could be how you were treated by a partner like let's say i'll just use this example if someone tells you oh you like smell bad or i don't like the way you look like that's going to be a traumatic experience that you will take on into other relationships it'll always be in the back of your head do i smell bad do i look bad naked stuff like that and there is this book called the body keeps score and whether there's no differing your body doesn't differ between small or big traumas it's all traumas to the body and so just definitely my advice would be ask yourself what's holding you back from having the most pleasurable experiences in your sex life and do the self-work from that and are are there any mental, you know, mental blockers holding you back from having the most pleasure? Are there any physiological things holding you back?

So there's all people love to cap their pleasure. Like the first thing out of most people's mouth is I don't need to improve my sex life. My sex life is the best. Yeah, but there's always pleasure left on the table. There's always pleasure to be had. Like success is a moving target in everything in our life. So there are always things you can do to go to that next level and have that feeling of euphoria. And then also too, if you are mentally struggling, whether it be suppressed or anything, go get help. And there's always room

to go get help and improve your mental health and your social connections. Like there have been studies that show people live longer and thrive when their social network is larger. People have less physical and mental health issues from social connections. And that doesn't even have to be sexual. Just having a healthy, happy relationship will make you be a healthier person. So, yeah, we all need that physical intimacy. And that doesn't even have to be sex because there are asexual people that don't like sex. But just having that as babies, it never stops.

Right. We always have that skin hunger. And we evolved as human beings. So what might have worked for you then might be something new that you need to try now. And then also just to put on top of that, that everything is different for everybody. You could like pork chops and only eat turkey and still have the same kind of pleasure. Yes, exactly. But it should be your maximum pleasure, I guess.

I kind of wanted to bring up tradition into this conversation, too, because I know, you know, I have friends personally that have like only been with one man for the last 40 years. And I'm like, I had sex in five years and my sex life still more. People are stuck in this tradition. So, you know, and not just in sex to me, sometimes in life, you know, I feel like the one thing my mom passed down to me was teaching me that I needed to. Oh, my God. It's a little parents do sacrifice. Yeah. Parents always sacrifice. You know, sometimes I wish that she didn't sacrifice so much because I learned how to sacrifice from her. So, you know, and it's a pattern and something that I'm trying to teach from her so you know and it's it's a pattern it's something that I'm trying to teach myself not to do now you know but it's it's a pattern but to me um that also

yeah breaking generational curses and in trauma yeah that's it all in like 20 minutes you know we like over our interview and you just said it in two words you didn't have to do me like that no I'm sorry but yeah but yeah no that's valid yeah and then also too like you said i love that you said is oftentimes people ask am i normal am i this everything is a unique experience you're dying your walk is unique so if you were having missionary sex with your one person and that's how you get off and you love it more power to you like you don't need to measure yourself against other people like that's not necessary so whatever you're doing as long as it's consensual happy and it's not

hurting yourself or someone else oh my god you know who taught me that lesson who a dentist right really all right i'm gonna tell you the story real quick and then we're gonna wrap it up lala you're gonna promise to come back okay i'd love to yeah but um a dentist i was remember sitting in the dental chair and um just it's just an annual checkup but i was getting like a cleaning and you know the dentist they just wanted to check like the health of my teeth you know it was like it wasn't i wasn't going because i had a toupee but i'm sitting there and i have my mouth open and she she's examining and she was like you know the woman's taking notes and she was like geographical tongue that's normal for you yada yada yada but that's normal for you you know yada

yada yada but that's normal for you and it's like if she left that out i would have thought something was wrong uh and i got a geographical tongue what the fuck you know like yeah people don't have that or or the way my teeth with space but it was crazy that as she was saying things, she kept saying to me just to give me comfort. But that's normal for you. Yada, yada, yada. But that's normal for you. And it was like, I am so unique that my teeth are different. Yeah.

You know, so it was like that realization. Like, yeah, I'm an individual. I am. You know, people say nobody's perfect. That's bullshit. You perfect because say nobody's perfect that's bullshit you perfect because they're not perfect who you comparing yourself to that is actually yep that's true right yep i agree 1000 yep but we're gonna go ahead and be perfect uh let's tell us a little bit about your podcast yeah so you can listen to my podcast uh on apple spotify google i heart

radio wherever you listen it's lala's bedtime Lala's Bedtime Tales, erotic stories. It is good erotic storytelling, sound effects in music. And then also definitely visit my website at lalasbedtimetales.com to get sex education, love and sex advice. And you can follow me on any platform. Instagram is where i really hang out

sliding my dms if you have any questions okay yeah she got a husband remember don't be i don't have a husband you're trying to slide unless you want no people to slide and then go ahead and slide you know because everything is for everybody is there anything that you feel that we did not touch on that's important and you kind of wanted to get across? I don't know. I feel like we touched on everything that sex is a normal, natural thing

and pleasure is your birthright and you define what it means to be a sexual being. Awesome, awesome, awesome. You, so, and then the podcast, is it like you or do you have guests? So on my YouTube channel, I do an intercourse discourse and I have medical professionals and sexual health experts and therapists and mental health experts come on. And we talk about different topics like recently talked about how to pleasure your mate for a healthy, long lasting relationships. Before that, we talked about anal sex, mismatch libidios, anything under the sun that deals with sexual health,

relationships, and sex, you go to my YouTube channel and you can get educated. Right. So as Lala is teaching us, sex can be a positive thing. It could be a dope thing, but no matter what it is, it's supposed to feel good. And in order for it to feel good, you have to feel good about yourself. So you may have to do some traveling to get to where sex is good. But let's get on this road. Let's do it together. Continue to watch. We don't have a lot of comeback because there are probably like a million questions I didn't ask. And I know that my co-host would have asked a million things, too. So I apologize for her not being here but uh thank

you so much for coming on you're so dope i really appreciate it and i'm glad that you're feeling better and that cool we'll stay in contact i'll list all of your details thanks again talk to you soon thanks you guys for watching and we'll see you next week and with that we're wrapping up another episode of the Fucking Feelings Podcast. Thank you all for tuning in and engaging in another intense and real discussion on understanding and navigating through our feelings. Don't forget, we're here each Wednesday bringing you brand new episodes filled with stories, advice, and perspectives to help you handle those fucking feelings. So set a reminder on your calendar, grab your headphones, and join us every week. And if you're interested in exploring more ways to deal with life's stresses,

make certain to tune in to our sister podcast. Trauma is invaluable. Before we close, we want to remind you that discussing feelings is never a sign of weakness, but a display of courage. Stay brave, stay strong, and keep feeling those fucking feelings. Until next week, take care and keep the conversation going.