These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Nurturing the Unseen Wings: Lainie Liberti's Odyssey of Teen Empowerment | Season 3 - Episode 304

Episode Date: November 29, 2023

Send us a Text Message.Season 3's episode 304 of "These Fukken Feelings" Podcast takes its audience on a compelling journey with Lainie Liberti, a visionary transforming the landscape of adolescent mentoring and education. Join Micah and Crystal as they unveil the layers of Lainie’s unique approach to empowering the youth.As a founder of Transformative Mentoring for Teens, author, and teen coach, Lainie brings a wealth of experience in nurturing young minds. Her co-founded Project World Schoo...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up, guys? Welcome to these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah. I got Crystal, our producer here today filling in for Rebecca. And we are on with Lainey Liberty. Hey, Lainey. So, of course, one thing that we do here is we like our guests to kind of introduce themselves because we feel like who's going to sell you better than you. So go ahead and tell our audience a little bit about yourself.

Okay, boy, that's, you know, I've been asked that a lot and I never knew where to start. I mean, I guess I normally started in 2008. That's where like the majority of my story starts, but there's backstory and then there's forward story. So we'll start there. Okay. 2008, I'm originally from LA, from California. And 2008, the economy crashed in California. It was pretty bad.

We were hit pretty hard. I had worked in advertising and.com and marketing and branding for 18, almost 20 years. Last eight of those years, I owned my own agency and we were a green ego company focusing on doing campaigns for conscious businesses and so forth. And when the economy crash hit, I knew I was closing my business. I was also overworked and burnt out.

Single parent, single parent, you know, we feel like we're working hard so we can provide for our family. It's the American dream. Work hard, you know, work harder, work harder. But what you're right. And what was your gift? You get it. Cause we actually hold full-time jobs and we're on the podcast. And so it's like, I don't have any kids, right.

But Crystal got enough for both of us. So she really doesn't have that many. I always give her a hard time. It's only four. Her four and like 24. So I got two older ones and two younger ones. Okay. So you're still in the middle of all of it.

It goes so fast. My son is now 24. So in 2009, see if you can identify with this. One of the things he would always say. Because I thought I was doing this for, this was my obligation. It's the American dream, work hard, work harder, work hard, hard, hard, and make money and provide. But what I was missing out on was my son's childhood. That's why I start my story there. The economy crashed. End of the year, I knew I wasn't bringing my staff back. And I remember it was late one October night, sitting in the office, and I was just stressed, frustrated.

And my nine-year-old shouldn't be sitting in the office at nine o'clock at night. But I'm still finishing up, and this is what I had to do. And I remember just like this, this wave of inspiration coming over me. And I just turned around and I said to him, his name is Miro. I said to him, Miro, what do you think if we just like get rid of all this stuff and go have an adventure? And I remember he stopped playing whatever he was playing, turned around, looked at me. He's like, you serious? And he's like, one question first.

Oh. Give it to me. He's like, do I have to go to school? I was like, no, no, no, no, no. So intuitively, I knew that one year of travel, which is what we planned on doing, would be way more educational. He learned way more from traveling than going to school. And so intuitively, I was like, no, no, of course, you don't have to go to school. So that was it. From that moment, we started planning. It took us six months to get rid of all of our stuff, sell everything or give it away and plan for taking

off. And we did. We took off in 2009 and we were going to leave on what was to be a one-year trip. We were going to start in LA and just head south. And our goal was to hit the tip of South America, Ushuaia, Argentina by the end of the year and then come back. Well, I guess we're starting on our 15th year now. We still haven't gone back and we still haven't made it to Argentina. Now that's the funny part, okay? We've been around the world several times. So we've done lots and lots of traveling and lots of stuff in between.

So I know that that kind of gives us the foundation. So what I'm most known for is world schooling and building the world schooling movement, because there was none before we started to organize people around that. So I can talk about that. I'm also known for promoting a type of parenting called partnership parenting, which is kind of like an offshoot of conscious parenting, gentle parenting, and so forth. I like to call it anarchist parenting because I am an anarchist. And what that really means is I'm not taking in authorities in my life. I'm not granting authority. I'm not giving consent to systems that are not in alignment with our values. And that is really the nature of

anarchy. The word itself has been usurped and used. Most people, when they hear the word, they think of chaos. So that's why I don't use anarchist parenting. I use partnership parenting. So I'm known for that. And then also I'm known for the work that I do with teenagers. I've been working with teens for over 10 years. My son and I co-founded a company where we take teens to different places in the world for these immersive learning experiences. And that has brought us like, you know, we've done trips with month-long trips with teens to South Africa, to Thailand, to Japan, to Peru, to Mexico, to Wales, to Greece, like all over. Really fun locations, really fun experiences. And I also coach teens and teach them tools for greater mental health. And I think that's what brought me here was my book, which is called Seen, Heard, Understood, Parenting and Partnering with Teens for Greater Mental Health. So that sort of

encapsulates all of it. So where do you want to go from there? Well, number one, I'm going to say you said a 24-year-old son, you look fabulous. I was going to say how beautiful you look. Maybe I need to go get a son and go away for a couple of years uh my problem is that i can't return on when i get back i'm telling you i'm i'm in my late 50s and travel keeps me young and working with teens keeps me younger it has to because i'm like you look yourself. My teens are giving me gray hair, so I don't know. And she's giving me gray hair, so. Wait, no, I've been bleaching my hair since I was a punk rocker in the 80s.

So it's been every color. I kind of like it. I like the white. I kind of wanted to do it, but my hair will not bleach. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like that. Have to make your hair yellow and stay there. Yeah, but

when you take it up to yellow, you can go all these bright orange and pink and great colors. I wanted it white so bad. Oh, yeah. It's really hard. My hair is naturally your color, but it's a different texture, so it takes color.

Yeah. Well, anyway, back to the main topic. Right now, when I first heard of this and then we actually had a previous conversation, we'll explain that to you later. But the taking your son out of school, it seemed like a very easy, easy task for you. Like it was just you said it was like intuitive. But what was it about like the schooling that made you kind of want to take them out? Or what made you feel like you can learn more outside of school? Well, a couple of things. The interesting thing is like I'm an anarchist and I've always lived by the rule.

And actually, I don't live with rules, but like the challenge of questioning everything and that, you know, okay, some people claim that I have ODD, which is okay, but I always, you know, I have, all of us, each individual is a product of their upbringing. There's no way of getting around it. We can reprogram whatever trauma lays there in the background and the patterns that we've been exposed to really create the sense of self. This is our programming. This is how we're hardwired. where I was constantly yelled at, I was constantly belittled, and I felt invisible and dismissed every single day of my life. And that's really hard to grow up in that. But the funny thing is, I didn't realize that was actually abuse because I never had hands laid on me. Never, never. And it took me until adulthood to recognize that what I lived through was abuse. And even in my 50s, talking to my younger brother,

my only brother, who's in his 50s also, he's like, you know, lady, it took me a year, but I finally read your book. And holy shit, we did have a kind of effed up childhood, didn't we? And, you know, it helped us to unpack and unravel all of that because we just thought it was normal. But for me, my trauma response was hyper independence. My trauma response was I could do it myself and I'm going to prove whatever it was to the world

like that, that I'm proven I could do. I'm somebody. Because I had a deep belief that I was nobody, that I was invisible. And that drove me. That was part of my belief structure and my wiring. And so knowing, you know, I traveled a year by myself in my 20s. I hitchhiked all around Europe. And can't do that now. Out here. Remember, I'm in my 50s. I hitchhiked all around Europe and can't do that now. I'm like, I'm out here. Well, remember, I'm in my 50s. So this was more than 30 years ago. So it was okay back then. Yeah, you're right. The world is different. Hitchhike kids. I actually don't want kids. So if I make

a difference in a child's life, I want them to be fostered or adopted. And I kind of want to bring them into my forever family. But I feel like I need to get to like a place where I'm capable of doing that. And my biggest issue, and it's probably something you can understand dealing with teens, is I don't know if I can love somebody past their pain. You know, it's like a lot of these young people are, they grew up thinking no one loved them, you know, and that is. Yeah, exactly. And it's like I have really, really great parents and not life was perfect because I have a lot of trauma, too, but not from my parents. It's like my parents loved us, you know, and we always felt like a sense of love. So it was like no matter what we had, whatever else we had, we always knew we were loved. And that was kind of cool growing up in that.

But then you grow up in this world and you see like kids looking horrible. And I just don't understand it. I'm like, I don't understand where we're going. I don't understand where this world is going. It drives me crazy, Laney. You do not understand. It drives me crazy. And I'm like, how can I like legit bring a child into this world to live with these people doing these things? And I can't do it. But that's a

whole other conversation. Eventually, I want to foster. That's my plan. Or adopt, whatever is easy. But I want whoever comes into my family to know that you don't age out of 18 you're part of this family this will kind of always be your home and it bothers me that there's a lot of people in this world that don't have love or a lot of teenagers that don't know what love is and I feel like I got an abundance of it but I still feel like I need to be in a certain place and I'm still on my healing journey so I think that's kind of what's been holding me. you do the thing and it's over, it is a lifelong commitment to understanding our internal worlds. And I think that realization and redefining what healing meant to me, because most people in Western culture, we take drugs to numb ourselves so we don't have to feel discomfort.

And that's a cultural norm, right? You know, medicate, medicate, medicate. And if we're not doing pharmaceutical medication, we're scrolling or we're checking out or we're, you're chilling in Netflix. Well, that's something different, right? So we're not present or accountable for our own feelings. And that has got to shift. We've got to make spaces that are okay to talk about the inner worlds. And we've got to be okay. I don't know. I've got a post here that says being imperfect is okay. And that needs to be lived. So the process of you healing is good enough. And that creates spaces where you can connect in vulnerability. Because two of the most powerful ways to connect with another human being and create that relationship, which human existence is based on relating with other people.

We can relate through vulnerability and we can relate through love. And unfortunately, in Western culture, the belief is, well, I gave birth to this child. They should love me because I created them. Right. Thinking from the parent's perspective, therefore, they need to respect me. And because I brought them into this world, they need to love me. Therefore, they're obligated to connect to me. And that's bullshit. That is I mean, I'm simplifying it and was always told that I brought you into this world. I could take you out. Yeah, yeah. But it's pretty crazy because you were talking and I was thinking about a child. I was thinking about a child

because I don't want to tell nobody's business, right? So I was thinking about a child and he kind of has what people would say like a behavioral problem. But the more I look at him, I'm starting to realize that I think he doesn't know how to handle emotion. You know, when he gets excited, you know, it's like he's one of those kids that's like genuinely happy to see you. But because he's

happy, he's very excited. And now it's like bothering people and, you know, and it's now, oh, you need to spank him or you need to punish him or you need to do those things. And it's like, so when you were talking, it was like, I kind of saw that relationship and be like, that's not how you're supposed to do it. Laney going to tell us how to do it. So wonderful book. Well, many wonderful books that changed my life. But this one addresses what you're talking about.

It's called The Explosive Child. And it's about helping the adult to reframe the behavioral problem, which is what we see as parents. We want to change the behavior. And most parents are completely just attached to the behavior that they see so that their life is easier and more convenient. And changing a child's behavior is an authoritarian paradigm. And so instead of looking at the behavior, you have to start looking at what needs are not being met under the behavior. And that will give you an entrance into the world of how this person is wired, how this person is, you know, how they respond to things. And if you look at it through that framework or through that perspective, you don't see

bad behavior or something that's inconvenient for you. You see it as an act of love to be able to get in and touch on those wounds and be able to really hear and speak to the person who is behaving outwardly in a way that ticks you off or triggers you. Because when two dysregulated or two triggered people are interacting, nobody can heal. Nothing gets settled. That's what happens. Now the mom is going through a great depression and anxiety, and then blame, like, I did something wrong. I don't know how to raise my child. And then, of course, you have everybody around telling her, come be my child. I don't know how to raise my child. And then, of course, you have everybody around telling her, come be my child. I'll punch him in his throat. I think that was

me. I think that was me. But no, no, really. And it's funny because it's like when I'm around him, he's like, he's all over me and he climbs around my neck and he jumps. And I just leave it alone. And people like, no, stop it. And I'm like, he's fine. You know? I think it's just generations are different. Like, we weren't allowed to do that at the age of 7 or 10. And now there's so much electronics and stuff like that. So they see that on, like, these games and stuff like that. So they're acting on that i mean i don't know

how old this kid is but sure our culture will give us indications on what's you know how to express ourselves and how not to express ourselves and we take clues from and cues from both of those, you know, how to, how not to. And if you see that, you know, jumping on somebody is normalized. Okay, so he's not even considering the behavior. It's just something that you do. But why is he jumping on you? He's desiring roughhousing and connected physical connection. And he's really desiring to be seen and really, really, you know, acknowledged.

Right. Because when it's something that physical, you know, they want a response back, that physical interaction. They're not just going up and poking you. And sometimes they do. Sometimes they just go up and poke you because that's an indication that they need your attention. Are needs bad? No, I don't think so. Are they inconvenient for parents? Hell yes. But we need to recognize this

if we're stepping into the role of parenting, that there are going to be moments that are inconvenient for us. What's more important, my convenience or our connection? And I always ask myself that. Connection to me is the most important thing. And being a parent of an adult man who's still a mama's boy, I mean, see that not in an unhealthy way, but society would look at our closeness, our intimacy, our connection as a wimpy thing. And that needs to be changed. I say it with pride. He's still connected. We're really, I learn from him every day. You know, I think it's a beautiful thing to have this, this self-actualized adult choosing to hang out with his mom. I'm in my forties and me and my mom still live together.

But I point out, y'all listen, Lainey, because I've always point this out. She lives with me. I paid the bills. Okay. So I'm not a scrub, America with me. I pay the bills, okay? So I'm not a scrub, America, okay? I'm not giving off my mama. But yes, I am. I mean, still now we have like TV shows that we watch together.

And like when I leave here, I'm going home, take a shower, and go get in my mama's bed and make her watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She really is like my best friend. So I understand the relationship. Like there's nothing, there's nothing

I feel like I can't discuss with her. You know, the good, the bad and the ugly, I could bring it to my mom. We don't always agree, but. That's beautiful. So that connection is not very common in Western culture. Now I've lived outside of the United States for almost 15 years now, and the majority of my bases that I've lived in have been in Latin America. And here in Latin America, I'm now in Mexico.

And I was like, that explains the colors. I'm in what's called a painted city. This city is so beautiful and colorful but anyway there's there's a massive um respect for family culture and you've got multi-generational families living in Latin America together and in fact you know my son his name is Miro, he lives like 15, 20 minute walk from here. And every time, we'll meet up and we'll go to the supermarket together and we'll shop. And then we take a taxi back and we drop him off at his place first. Then we come up to my place, right?

Because I'm on the way. He's on the way. But all the taxi drivers are mom and son there. And you're not married and you're not married. He's not married because like they, you know, traditional regardless of the kid's age, they live with their parents. And that's until they get married. And sometimes the wife moves in with the parents. Oh, badass kids.

Yeah. High generational living is common all throughout latin america but in the united states it's it's frowned upon you're supposed to leave when you're 18 right and i've actually heard like people said it often and i grew up in a household where my mom like welcomed anybody in the house so he always had like random people living with us. Like, you'd be like, mom, what's the name again? Like, I have no clue. Kid is what it is. But I got everybody's your aunt and your uncle. But I got to give my bed to them. Huh? I was mad. I want to talk a little bit about your work with mental health and teen.

Why did you decide to start working like at teens? Why did you decide at that age to focus on mental health? Well, a couple of reasons. About three or four years into our journey, my son and I, he started to really desire to be around community, to be around kids his age. The social connection was really important. And we had just discovered that we fell in love with Cusco, Peru. And we just, we made that our home. That was our base for three years. We lived high in the Andes, not far from Machu Picchu. We were going to archaeological sites and we were doing Andean mysticism and all these like really incredibly, it was so fun. But my son at that point said, I need social

connection. And either we have to go back to the States and find community or bring people here. So we decided to bring people here or there. And so we formed Project World School together. At that time, I learned everything I could about learning communities, about nonviolent communication, about social learning, about holding space, just about facilitating natural learning, all this stuff. So experiential learning became the theme of our trips. And so our first group we brought to Cusco, Peru. We went all around the Andes. We did archaeological digs. We worked with researchers.

We did some major hiking. We did lots and lots of stuff. And it was so great. And that was the beginning of Project World School. So that was the first year we launched it. We brought a group to Cusco. And then the second year, we also brought another group to Peru. In the third year, we expanded and brought a group to Peru. And then we brought another group to Peru. In the third year, we expanded and brought a group

to Peru, and then we brought a group to Ecuador. And then after the third year, we started adding more and more and more trips. So each retreat would have between 8 to 15 teenagers and one other facilitator. Miro was one of those teens for the first few years, and then probably near year four or five, he started to step into co-facilitator role, lore. But what I've learned by taking kids outside of their comfort zone and creating safe spaces for them to explore and feel what it feels like to really be alive and to be in community and to be accountable and to, you know, to be able to share and reflect in a way that's meaningful because outside of your comfort zone, you need to have safe spaces to sort of unload all this stuff. I recognized that the tools that I used

for myself for mental health, wellness were coming in handy. I started to facilitate these things in the evening and we created our circle. Our circle time was about reflection. It was about sharing and it was about observation. And so the internal worlds were just as important as the external world experiences, what we were having. So I sort of accidentally fell into using the tools that I already had under my tool belt. And then I started to do deep dives, you know, all around the place, book after book on, you know, mindfulness for teens and meditation and all of these different exercises that, you know, I've spoken philosophical conversations, that sort of thing. So we started to create our own structure and I brought in more and more and more therapy or therapeutic sort of psychodrama stuff and how to create, you know, using improv and things like that to as a way to reflect and express and process out these big feelings. And when 2020 hit, when the pandemic

hit, we had, you know, for the past 10 years before that, worked really hard to build our community. And people were reaching out to me saying, Lainey, we can't travel. Obviously, nobody's traveling. The world shut down and our teens are going crazy. And I was like, I hear you. I hear you. So I started, that's when I launched transformative mentoring for teens and started to teach the tools that I used on the retreats and used on myself and started to actually research and bring in more tools. That was why I started to work with teens in mental health. And part of that, the other part that I want to just quickly add is for me, my adolescence was the worst part. That was the worst part of my life it was so so tough i got into drugs i had sex i ran away i sold drugs i did all sorts of things that i'm not really proud of you know i was gonna i need to take a drink these teenagers um do they have trouble at home and you find them that way how do they find you no the teams so that what

we're running is not one of those like survival camps right and that's really authoritarian base this is based on partnership and on trust and it's we have a set of agreements that we ask everybody to agree to, and we adhere to those. They're not rules. We are making agreements in order to have this experience. We also function on consensus. So if you can imagine trying to get 18 teenagers or, you know, 15 teenagers, three adults to all agree on the same thing. Sometimes it takes time. So I need to facilitate that in a very loving, caring way. But the teens that mostly come on our trips are homeschooled. Some are on the spectrum. Some, you know, engage in self-harm. Some have depression.

Some have anxiety. Some have problems at home. But I'm not targeting just one type of person to serve. But mostly our audience are homeschooled or unschooled teenagers. Because you need to have time to take off for a month. Right? Right. I'm trying to disappear for a year.

So, like I said, we've been doing this for a long time. I speak at a lot of conferences, homeschool conferences mostly. I've written a book. My son and I did a TEDx talk. We're out there. People know us. We'll list all of your links in the episode. Yeah. Now you were talking about your book. Is majority of your book about your

childhood? I mean, yes and no. So the book is called, here it is, it's called Seen, Heard, and Understood, Parenting and Partnering with Teens for Greater Mental Health. And this book is a combination of a lot of things. It is a book that helps parents step into partnership parenting or just parenting, don't tell anybody. It creates the framework on how to do it, how to reframe your belief systems. It also talks about, you know, the challenges of adolescent development. I go into chapters about neurobiology, psychology. I even go into like some of Jung's work around archetypes and how we can use those as tools and shadow work and things like that. And then I weave together all of this information through sharing personal stories. Here's what I

dealt with. And then I go into the teen myths. And this is why the teen myths are the teen myths. And here's what's true about them. Here's what's not true about them. So I do share five or six really crazy stories in here from my childhood, but that's really just so I can create the connection to the reader. And then I've got a whole massive chapter of tools. So there's, I can't remember how many tools, but there's tools in here that are challenges for, so what I challenge parents to do is to do the exercises and tools in the book and use the spaces of vulnerability that they're finding out and discovering all about their internal worlds as a point of connection with their

children. So how do we connect? Do we connect through love? We talked about that. Will we also connect through vulnerability? And the more that we can go in and be accountable for the us that we are bringing to the partnership, that creates the spaces that our children, we're modeling for them, that the internal worlds are safe and that it's okay for them to share their internal worlds with us. And so that's an exchange. That's a relationship builder there. I imagine dealing with teens can be kind of crazy. I have a lot

of nieces and nephews and I have a headache just thinking about them, right? How do you get them to trust you enough to now want to do these things? Well, when I work with teens, they trust me because I trust them. Yeah, it's reciprocal. I don't demand anything other than let's sit down and talk about it. Here's what you've signed up for. Here's what you committed to. Here's what's on the schedule. Do we want to do this as a group? And if we don't want to do it, why? And let's work out why. And we don't move forward. We're not a democracy. I like saying that because a democracy, somebody's voice is not heard. The democracy is the majority wins, which means somebody loses. And I set up a collaborative system that even if somebody doesn't want to do it, we need to

collaborate to make sure everybody's needs are heard, seen, understood, and met, right? And maybe that comes, the point is the person who doesn't want to do the thing says, I will do it in the spirit of the community, but I want you all to know that this is not my interest, but I'm going to support you. And most of the teens generally respond with gratitude. And that creates a whole different dynamic, right? Because not one person can rule over another person. Every single person, especially on our trips, has equal say. If one person says no, then we all have to stop and renegotiate. And sometimes it takes hours to unpack what's really going on. Maybe sometimes a person, and we've had this experience, said no just to be contrarian because they believe that their voice doesn't matter.

They've been trained that in their home environment. And so they're asserting their power. And by all means, play with that. By all means, play with freedom. By all means, play with identity. By all means, have the safe spaces where you're not going to be judged to do that. But recognize when you are affecting this whole group, this community that you're a part of? Is this the kind of effect that you want to have on them? And most of the time, the teens will reflect and go inward and say, you're right. I'm not heard at home and my voice doesn't matter at home. And thank you. I see it

does matter here. It's pretty cool. And I just wanted to take a moment for Crystal real quick. That stuff, work at home. When you bring your ass to work, it's still what I say. I just wanted to take a moment for Crystal real quick. That stuff, work at home. When you bring your ass to work, it's still what I say. I just had to give that little disclaimer. Sorry, I just had to take you as a more personal reason real quick. So now important, safe spaces. Yeah, how, I don't know, I'm asking, I feel like I know a lot of teens who all have mental health issues, but feeling safe is one of them. They don't know how're experiencing the sensation of not feeling safe. And that's something we can breathe safety into or love into or whatever the perception of whatever that person needs. Because I may say my not feeling safe needs to be countered with love.

Another person might say it needs to be countered with a plan, right? But we're breaking it down and first indicating and honoring where it shows up in our body. And there are techniques and tools to use for each one of those. And then when we start talking about the idea or the intellectual idea of safety, those beliefs come from somewhere. And so coming to, you know, breaking down, I've got tools to help people, and I use these with teens, right? So to help teens to uncover what the belief is. And then what we normally do is identify the anchoring emotion. And I've got an emotions wheel that helps with that stuff. And once we've got these two, the belief and the anchored emotion, clumped together, we know that that is how our neural pathway is wired. And the stronger the

emotion, the stronger it anchors that firing pattern. And then the tool will take us to the next set of beliefs that is below that. So if I believe the world is not a safe place, we don't just stop there. And I feel anxious. Let's say those are the two. What's below the world is not a safe place. Well, I'm invisible. Nobody sees me.

I'm afraid they don't respect me. And then what is the emotion anchored to that? And then we keep going. And the goal is to go five layers deep, right? So now we've got, we're like pulling it out like a magician's handkerchief, what's tied to the next one. And so now we know the conscious thinking mind will identify with one of the points, generally with a belief, or sometimes we feel an emotion and it just charges that whole pathway, you know, the belief, the anchored emotion, the belief, and that runs. And all of this is running in the background in our subconscious mind because that's how we're wired. And so getting teens to start identifying when this pattern is running and looking through

different parts of their life where they've had the experience of maybe an emotion that was attached to this handkerchief or a belief and then recognize that because this whole string of beliefs and emotions is playing in the background, of course, they had to act a certain way. Of course, if all of those things are true, of course, they're going to have that response. And I get from teens when they fully comprehend and recognize when patterns are running, these giant aha moments like, oh shit, of course I acted in that way because. And that self-awareness is the first step to starting to reprogram and change that pattern of thinking. Now, when we're hardwired and we've got this kind of hardwiring based on our childhood trauma, mostly, I mean,

we have some trauma experiences in our adulthood, but hopefully not so much. But from zero to seven, when our brains are developing, the way that we interpret circumstances and that is based on our developmental stage, like say I lived in a happy household, which I didn't, but let's just say I did. And so dad came home and let's say he had a really, he had a bad day at work, lost a client, got a flat tire, coming home, was late, was hungry, all these things. Yeah. So a four-year-old who has been separated from her dad or her daddy all day wants, you know, daddy, daddy. That's all they want. But the dad comes in, slams the door, walks past them and says, not now. And takes off.

Like we internalize something as circumstantial. It's not abuse. It's just a circumstance. But our developmental stage is me-centered. And because I was rejected, I start believing that I'm not lovable. And I start looking, not consciously, but our reticular activating system, if you want to get specific, will start allowing you to only see those circumstances to prove the belief. And when from zero to seven, that's our main programming. So sometimes we're not even aware of things that happen, but we have this deep belief

around who we are and what our value is because it's misinterpreted. But the more that our brain thinks a thought, a pattern, a habitual thought is interpreted by our conscious brain as a belief. Right. Talking to somebody recently and she was saying, and I think she was just being generalized, but it just made me think that, like, there are a lot of things that can cause trauma that you don't think about. But her example was a baby sitting in a dirty diaper too long. And I was like, you know, but it's like you never know. And I think that's the thing about life and people is that you never know what makes someone sick. So we should always be our best selves to everybody. That was just my little disclaimer real quick no but it's so true and

psychologists have determined that there are two kinds of of traumas there's what they call the big t's which are you know you're in a car wreck you witnessed some horrific act or you fell or you had an accident like those are the big trauma all All today, like you said, again, all that just happened today. It's all got, it's all yelled. A little tease. The little tease are the repetition of many things. So I had a lot of little tease.

I was yelled at constantly. I was never physically hit. But the repetition of constantly being yelled at means like I had an experience and this is a body experience. This is a nervous system experience. About five years ago, I was staying with a friend who was a caretaker for his elderly father. And he had spent three or four years, you know, being a nurse to his father. So he was feeding him. He was changing his diaper.

He was changing the catheter. He was bleeding his father. His father had a stroke. He was incapacitated. And it was a lot of work for any individual. And it was impossible for him to get health care. This was in Peru. And so I helped him and I was staying with him and trying to give him some relief. He was a dear friend of our family's.

And one day he was changing the diaper and the catheter came out of his penis and urine was everywhere and not a pleasant experience. And my friend Yvonne started screaming. He was yelling. He's like screaming and he comes out of the room and he punches the wall and he goes back in and takes care of his father. So he had to get rid of the energy. I had to dispel the energy.

It just was building up, building up. Now I witnessed this and I went into shaking. I was like tearing, shaking, not because I was afraid for me, but because my nervous system was activated in a way that was very memorable of my childhood. And that's my wiring. And to this day, I still have these nervous system responses when I go to movies that have gratuitous violence, which I try and avoid at all costs, but I go into fight, flight or freeze mode. I was going to ask you if you ever saw the show Candy, but nevermind now. No, I can't. I can't. And her skin was a lot like that. Like it was one thing from her childhood.

So she claimed, I mean, she ended up getting away with it and then becoming a therapist and like working on with people, mental health. Just in case she's watching. I didn't want to say all bad things. Just in case, you know, one of our listeners. Hey, girl. But yeah, you know, hers was a shh. You know, she said the woman shh and it and she snapped back to her childhood and then you know hit her with an axe 40 times but oh yeah yeah well i said

you won't watch that but what you kind of were saying made me think about that kind of was like her argument that was her her defense and she was able to get to a lot of people and still to this day she like denies that it was anything other than that. And I guess it's crazy to hear that it could be, you know, like learning that could be a reason why it did happen. I think that verbal abuse is equal to physical abuse. I think so, too. I think so, too. I mean, it has the same outcome.

Definitely. I think so, too. I think so, too. I mean, it has the a psychological thriller. The kid was kidnapped and being held captive. And it was horrible. But I went into my flight freeze response and I was frozen and I couldn't move. And my partner's like, are you okay? And I'm like, maybe almost an hour to come out of it. And I had tears streaming down my, but I was frozen. I could not move. And finally I looked at him and I said, we got to go. I can't be here. And he's like, okay, I was just waiting for you. I didn't want to force, but it took me that long to re-regulate myself. Not because I've been kidnapped, but because any sort of cruelty against a child, I had that experience, and that's really hard for me to witness. So healing, yes, I feel it of integrated, I understand, but I still have this patterning. And I don't think the way that we use the term healing in the Western world is we imply, oh, it's healed.

It went away. I had a cut. I put a Band-Aid. It's healed. It's gone. You can't see it. But that's not what happens in mental health. It means we need to integrate, understand, recognize the effects it has on our lives, our relationships with others and ourselves. That's one of the reasons why we exist. It's kind of like you said earlier, it's like, you know, people are so quick to be like, oh, you're depressed. Take these three pills and don't call me no more. You know, and it's like, it happened to me. I had a therapist and he just wanted to give me pills. And I'm like, I still feel the same way. And he was like, oh, well, you need something stronger. And I'm like, oh, my God. And then finally it comes like one day I was like laying in bed and I had this biggest epiphany and

it might have been because of weed but um yeah it's been a long bit because of that but it was like everything that he told me I was doing because I was depressed was really me just trying to avoid the messed up people in this world. Like I didn't go out because it's COVID and I didn't want to get COVID. So, no, I'm not going to hang out, you know. And then because of that, I'm not meeting new people. But like he turned these things around on me to make it seem like it was a form and sign of depression. You know, he made me seem like it was unconscious, that I wasn't self-aware of the fact that I was intentionally, you know, I grew up sick and I had cancer.

And I still 15 years later and I'm still fighting things with cancer. And it's like, no, COVID, I'm keeping my ass in the house. That is how I gained 40 pounds. Grow up and meet with best friends. OK, I ordered groceries. And, you know, now it's important that that's like my solution. I had family over recently and um we needed a sponge and then like 10 minutes later a sponge is at the door family's looking at

me like you ordered a sponge this a sponge they didn't even have no minimum it's like well i had to pay ten dollars for delivery but why you're coming to mexico you can't you're probably right about that but mexico is probably clearly legal. I know. Well, I know. It's like, that's why I can never leave the United States. It's why they got to do something with Trump and he can't make president because I am half Puerto Rican and he's going to build a wall around me.

I already know it. You know? You know what? Really? And I say, I think it's a joke, but my mom got divorced from my father and she changed her last name. It was Velazquez and now it's Silvers. I mom got divorced from my father and she changed her last name. It was Velasquez and now it's Silvers. I wasn't supposed to say the last name.

Well, it don't matter. But she changed her last name. But the reason why she said she changed it. Right. That's a good idea. I'm going to do that. But the reason why she said she changed it is because she thought it was too Spanish. And Trump was in office.

And he, like, legit scared the hell out of her from day one. I don't know why she was traumatized. Like I'm like, mom, were you really born in Cuba? Because she is like so stressed out about like this. We do not spend a day where we don't talk about Trump. I don't know what he did to her. He looked so mean on that video. Like, you're fired. Drama with Trump. And I'm like, I don't know where this comes from. But, you know, I walk in the house the other day and I'm like, you know, I always joke. And I'm like, honey, I'm home.

And she was like, they finally indicted that motherfucker. And I'm like, am I supposed to know who? And, you know, like, who? I was just saying, hi, who did they indict? But sorry, let's get off topic there a little bit. It's really okay. When I left the United States, I was very involved in activism. And it was really important for me to be engaged in politics and all the injustices of the world.

And I'm going to march for this and I'm going to march for that. And I spent a lot of my energy really, you know, as an anarchist, but also probably quite liberal as an anarchist, also coming from California. You know, my belief system was I got to, you know, show my anger. But when I left 15 years ago, one of the promises that I made to my son was, I'm going to just let that go. I'm going to just disconnect from American politics. And luckily, I wasn't in the States during the Trump years, also during the Obama years, because I'm an equal opportunity despiser of all pilotips ones.

I am not going to cite this or that, the worst of two evils. I don't think the system is set up in any way to serve us. And we could talk politics, but I'm going to come at it from a very anarchist perspective, meaning I don't believe in the left-right paradigm. But I understand, and I can see from the outside, I haven't been in the States, like I said, for almost 15 years now, that the climate in the United States has gotten very divisive, less so than when I was there 15 years ago. So divisiveness does not help people's mental health at all.

It forces people into the left-right paradigm or black-white paradigm, and it doesn't leave space for nuance. And life happens in nuance. And that's really difficult for the mental health of the United States of the people. I wrote a blog about that. Shout out to my blogs. I got into writing lately, right? But I did write a blog about that because basically I grew up, we grew up in the South and I was too white to be black. And then I was too dark to be white. So that means then I had to be Mexican. But, you know, it's like I legit used to get called like the N-word and they were talking about me. And it was like we grew up in this kind of southern place.

And it's like I never the reason I wrote the blog was I went to Puerto Rico and it was my first time in Puerto Rico. And I received the most love from just a people that I ever received in my life. And I was like that. I guess it is a thing like people can recognize their own people or it's just Puerto Rican. Puerto Rico is just different. But it was like I didn't, you know, strangers walked up to me and there was no hatred and no this and no that. And, you know, here is like I get to look in the sad eye and, you know, people want to talk about what, I'm like the ghetto person in my office. You know, it's like, why I gotta have that title?

Why it just can't be me in the office? You know? Sorry, lady. I can't seem to look right. It's racism everywhere. And I didn't experience it until, you know, I've been dating this man for two years now.

He's Mexican. I live in Mexico. So obviously he should be Mexican. But he is dark skin Mexican. And like just recently, we went to Mexico City and went to the Museum of Anthropology, one of the best museums. He was singled out and searched, and I was not. We're like, he was pissed. He was really upset because only the dark-skinned

Mexicans are singled out in that way. He's like, you have no idea. Being dark-skinned meant that I grew up with a lot of racist beliefs in my own community, which opened my eyes to, to, you know, how detrimental these sorts of belief systems are. I mean, it doesn't happen everywhere all the time, but just knowing that, that, that low level discrimination happens in, in countries where he is native. And that's actually crazy to say that, actually, because I had recently we've been doing I've been on my big soul search. You know, I'm trying to figure out who I am as an individual, but then who I am spiritually and the impact I want to have on this world. Because before recently, I'm just like, I don't need no impact.

When I die, just cremate me, throw my ashes somewhere. Don't, I don't want no funeral. Just put a Facebook post out. He died. You know?

No, not that ain't happening. Like that's all I want. Thousands and thousands of people. We're going to have like a week. We'll die now. Just don't do it. But it's not the plan. It is not the plan. I promise. And you know what? I forgot the point of my story. Oh, okay. So what I was trying to say,

so recently, you know, I never, you know, someone told me I was privileged and it offended me a little bit. And it just offended me because it's like, you don't know my life. You know, it's like you do not know the things I grew up doing. And like, you know, being light skin didn't stop me from getting molested for 14 years. And it didn't stop me from getting cancer and stop me from getting the Guillain-Barre. So it was like, I don't see what you see when you see privilege. And then recently we had another guest on and she was talking and she was like well you are privileged because you're educated and you're this you're that and it's like I never took it that way I always I guess you know I always thought it had to be like a race thing and she kind of

changed my eyes a little bit to see like okay maybe she maybe if you are right that I am privileged but I also never take the time really to consider I feel like the only thing I can do to change this world is be the best me I can be I feel like the only thing I can do to change this world is be the best me I can be, because that's the one thing I can control. And so because of that, I'm really not an activist either. And people think I should be. And it's like, but I'm like, I am by doing, being me, by loving you, no matter who you are. And by, you know, sharing love and jokes and everybody gets picked on no matter what you look like i pick on everybody you know but somewhere in there there was a point

it was a good point it was a good point well it's just in the conversations it's like you it's kind of cool i speaking to you i started thinking about like all the guilt i think i have as a person and i don't know why it's i felt you were telling me like I need to get rid of that guilt. And I don't know why, because you didn like I said, for 15 years. However, I'm quite aware of the cultural trends and norms that were contained from the States, that were contained from all over. And the term privileged is used a lot now. It's used in the common vernacular. And there's a sting to it, a sting, right? And it's very, very American. People don't talk about this in Spain or Mexico or Greece, for that matter. You know, around the world, this concept of

white privilege or male privilege or educated privilege, it's not a negative thing. Where in the United States, if somebody says, check your privilege, that's throwing an insult. That's verbally slapping them in the face and trying to be more honorable than the other person, more virtuous. And this is just bullshit. This is, again, divisive language being used in order to raise one person over another person. So it's doing the exact opposite. I'm claiming that you're privileged, but the fact that I'm accusing you of you check your privilege makes me more virtuous. And this this has got to stop. Also, it's got to stop is language around utilizing diagnosis, psychological diagnosis as an excuse, especially I mean, I've heard many people say, you know, I'm sorry, I can't do that. It gives me anxiety. And I ask things like, do you know what anxiety is?

Or don't mind them, they have ADHD, right? And so what I talk about and the tools that I use is personal accountability. And when I'm talking and working with parents, it's personal accountability for your inner worlds because that's the you that you bring to the relationship with your children. And you need to be accountable. If your child or children are triggering you, that's your work.

Where does the trigger come from? What is the unhealed need that wasn't met what's going on there that needs to be addressed my dogs are agreeing with me got a whole choir over there yeah i got big dogs what is really cool though i mean i don't know if you did it intentionally but i carry on a lot of guilt because i'm at her. My life right now is actually okay. And there are a lot of people who are around me whose life is not okay. And I don't know how to live in my successes without feeling like I need to like, I don't know, be there for them. Like, I don't, I feel like I can't do both. I feel like if I celebrate, then it's like

smacking them in their face, like, oh, I'm celebrating. Look at me. And I'm really struggling with that. But you actually was like, no, I mean, you didn't say it, but this is what I heard, right? But I mean, I heard basically you were talking about the inner self. And then what got me was need. What is it that I need? I've never asked myself that question. Like, okay, what is it that I need? You know, and one thing I don't need is to stop feeling bad about all these things that I can't control. Right. You know, we can be compassionate. We can be empathetic as well. And those are beautiful skills to have. But if you are a deep feeling, I also am somebody who cries for other people all the time, and that's not very healthy for me. And unfortunately, the culture in the United States is about normalizing mental health problems right now. Even when there are not mental health problems, it gives people an excuse. And that also, I mean, I think there are some really great uses for pharmaceutical medicines. And we have to recognize that the pharmaceutical companies are businesses that are multimillion-dollar companies, and they make money keeping people sick, not curing people, right? So we intellectually know all of that. But the more

that we convince people that normal stresses of life and fears of growing up and growing old and making mistakes is all part of growth and learning and that our strength comes from within. Everything that we need is within. You know, there are times where we need support and help or help. Great. I get that. I'm all there. their emotional support animal. You're me to get me by my neck. But boundaries are good because you are important. And if you're giving so much, like you can't pour from an empty cup. You just can't.

And you need to be able to say, I am celebrating my success right now. And if that makes you uncomfortable can bring you in and ask you to help celebrate this success or whatever, but won't ever dim your light. Don't play small because you're afraid of being judged. That's just not healthy. It's not. It's not. And just to point out to like all the people in my life, I'm not talking about y'all. Okay. And honestly, it's been really cool. People have been very, very excited for me, but it's just in their own lives they're still miserable so you know it's like you know oh we just became number eight you know i want to call somebody and it's like don't call them well honestly if trump get elected again me and my mom are probably gonna come live with you for a little bit okay guess we're on the right side of law 20 years following because yeah because my mama is not gonna play this and since you know

you're the only person we met that's technically not in the country the only one no actually we had a guy from uh europe and he was doing meditation but i can't quiet my mind enough to sit through a proper interview you You think I'm going to quiet enough to do like meditation? Like I meditate about how I'm going to decorate my meditation room when I buy my house. I do that too. Sometimes walking meditations are better. And sometimes I'm not a, I'm not a good quiet the mind kind of person either. I like to paint. I like to do things that helps me focus and feel joy and center and all of those things. And it may not look like your traditional meditation either. Okay. Lainey is over here teaching us that not everything looks traditional.

That's pretty cool. And writing has been my passion lately. I write like a blog every night. I wrote a blog about udders and noodles. So you know. I don't write about anything. When I tell you I write about anything. Before you continue, I just want to let both you guys know I have two guest rooms. Come.

Okay. Funny kids are like, yeah, come with me. I'm going to tell you a funny story about her daughter right i always like to point this out because i'm telling her daughter is gonna be nothing to mess with we went to a pool party rebecca's pool party she's in california guys don't worry she's still part of our show um she's just out there working but she had a pool party so he was at her house and her daughter had these two little boys eating out the palm of her hand. But this is what got me. She told them, pretend like you're drowning and I'm going to save you. And they're like, okay.

And I'm like, I'm going to need you to think a little bit more about your life. What is Crystal teaching her daughter? To save people's lives. But let's not pretend. just it shocked me like how willing they were it was like no second guessing right it was like no second guessing no like the way you're gonna swim she did teach them how to swim but you're not gonna tell me look you're not gonna tell me to pretend i'm drowning the same day i learned how to swim. Lainey, so I know that your focus is teens, but a lot of adults watch us.

I don't think we get a lot of teens here. Besides Maddie. Besides Maddie, yeah. And we do have some. Some people faithfully watch. I be feeling bad because I'm like, damn, fucking is in the message. And it's like, ugh.

No, my teens, they swear like truck drivers instead of I. So when we're working together, when we hang out. Oh, yeah. Every other word is fun. I do it all the time, too. And I do it around my mom and stuff. And, you know, I remember that one time I got really, really bold and I was talking about my mom, my sister, my cousin. And I was like, you bitches. And my mom knocked me out. Yeah. Yeah. Like what you say? You know, I was talking, you bitches. And my mom knocked me out. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what you saying?

You know, I was talking about them two. No. What? Number one, I guess I wanted you to explain why or explain, I don't know, maybe it's the right word, on why you think dealing with mental health in teenagers is important. Or especially for parents to maybe start looking into that. And then also just your message for anybody right now who's going through a mental health struggle and they just don't know where to go. Right. So mental health, I like to call it mental wellness, actually, because health implies

mental health implies something's wrong. And when we see that we're healthy, okay, great, we're healthy. But when you talk about somebody's mental health, that is talking, the implication is that it's not healthy, right? So the term itself, I think, has a big problem. I like to use the term mental wellness. And I think normalizing self-inquiry tools and games and we've gamified it. So we're creating a positive relationship to the inner worlds. And then when teens get older, tweens move into their teen years and adolescence, so they're able to really pull apart and examine some of the things that are coming up for them. Because let's face it, it's a tumultuous time. Adolescence,

everything is changing. Our brain is developing in new ways. Parts of our brain are developing more rapid than other parts. We need to understand what's happening, not only from our own perception, but from a biological perspective as well. And let's demystify this. Everybody should have a manual. We should know that at this age, this is what's happening in my brain. And this is why I don't calculate consequences well. Well, this is why I'm individuating and not listening to my parents. This is why I'm trying on different identities, because I'm wired to do so in my brain.

And that helps us to normalize those kinds of understanding about self. And then when you go into the psychological understanding, like understanding what is anxiety, what is depression, how are thoughts created, what are thoughts, what are emotions, how do emotions work, what role does it play in our lives? How can we use all that information to empower ourselves? Doesn't mean like wash it away or get rid of it or brush it under the rug. It means look at it, utilize it as part of our daily experience. And once we move into spaces where we can practice, it becomes more normalized, right? And part of the way that I'm helping to change the world is I'm helping to introduce partnership parenting, which is accountability of our internal worlds as parents, adults, and the way that we interact and relate with our children to

normalize that will help bring up more self-aware people. It doesn't mean that the awareness, you know, gets rid of it. It just means we have a greater understanding. And because, like I said, I've said several times, I'm an anarchist. I don't give my power over to anybody just because they're wearing a white lab coat or in my case, I call it a butcher coat sometimes. You know, a doctor. It looks like know what to do. I'm all about using tools and finding the answers inside. And yes, there are circumstances where you need to seek out the support of others, but the American culture is so much about giving your power away and not being accountable. It's such a massive trend of doing that. And if we need to recognize the damage that that has done and the control that it's given to systems

or government or whatever the system is, and we do that without even thinking, we do that without even making a conscious thought, do I want to give my power to this person? Do I want to give my power to this institution, this organization? I think we need to take all kids out of schools, too. And I know this is radical. This probably triggers you because you're like, OK, but what do I do with them? I got to stay with them all day. My thing is, you know, I'm not smart enough to teach them.

Someone got to teach them. Oh, Lord. As an anarchist and as somebody who questioned everything, I never once questioned the education system until I got my kid out of it. And then I recognized what damage it did. And I also recognized that his natural curiosity, once trusted and once empowered, was enough to send him down some major deep dives. He was told in Greece, because the amount of studying that he did, he read the Iliad. He read all of these ancient texts at 13. His knowledge and understanding

because it was intrinsic motivation. And once we got to Greece and we went to the Athens Museum of Natural History or whatever it was, we were talking to the docents and the docents were like, wow, you've got a PhD level of education on this topic. That's because he was intrinsically motivated. Nobody forced him and left to his own devices. He educated himself based on natural curiosity. He trusted himself to do that. And that was important. And as long as you can develop a love of learning,

which school doesn't give you, you can learn anything. You know what? I just recently started keeping my power to myself, and I think it's about to get me fired from my job. Uh-oh. Because I told a customer I overslept in an email and I got in trouble for that. But I'm like, I didn't want to lie. Like, what would I have said that would have still been the truth? I don't know what else I could have told them.

And so there's a lot of truth what you're saying about American institutions, society, because in that situation, I saw it. It's like, so you prefer me. And the one thing they kept telling me was remember your audience. And I'm like, human? You know, it's like- So many people oversleep. Right. I oversleep every day. Yes, she does. She lay every single day. And then another time I got in trouble for another email and I'm like, I think this is going to be my downfall. You know, I finally just started

telling people, if you want me to say something, tell me what you want me to say, because if I'm going to say it, I'm going to say it like I say it. And I should be okay to do that. We're going to put all of your contact information, of course, in our websites, on our YouTube, Facebook,

and all that social media stuff. Kind of like Lainey was telling you guys, take care of your world, your internal world. I'm going to call mine the universe because a lot goes on in there. Yeah. I really need a spaceship to finish getting down to my toes. I ain't been to my toes yet, but I'm working on it.

I love that. And you guys, come on down to Mexico. Right. Okay. Don't tap this. It's going to pop up. I'm talking to you. I'm literally We're going to call up. We're going to talk to you. I'm literally. We're going to call. We're like, remember when you said, well, we at the border. All right.

Thank you so much for coming back on. Thank you so much for everything that you give us. Thank you so much for everything that you do. You know, we're going to ask you to come back again because, you know, me, just like another hour. We could have talked, you know. But yes, give the dog and your son some love from us. And we will be in touch. Thank you guys for watching and we'll see you next time.

Please excuse us because we're trying out a new camera system and we don't know how to work it yet. Thanks, you guys. And with that, we're wrapping up another episode of the Fucking Feelings Podcast. Thank you all for tuning in and engaging in another intense and real discussion on understanding and navigating through our feelings. Don't forget, we're here each Wednesday bringing you brand new episodes filled with stories, advice, and perspectives to help you handle those fucking feelings. So set a reminder on your calendar, grab your headphones, and join us every week. And if you're interested in exploring more ways to deal with life's stresses, make certain to tune in to our sister podcast. Trauma is expensive. Dive deep into discussions on managing trauma, building resilience, and fostering healing

with new episodes dropping every Monday. Make sure to subscribe, rate, and comment on both podcasts on your favorite podcast platform. Remember, each comment and rating can catapult us further towards reaching those individuals who could really use our discussions. Your feedback is invaluable. Before we close, we want to remind you that discussing feelings is never a sign of weakness, but a display of courage.

Stay brave, stay strong, and keep feeling those fucking feelings. Until next week, take care and keep the conversation going.