These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Overcoming Trauma Through Truth: Angelica Ross on Resilience, Authenticity, and Fostering Community Support

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Have you ever wondered how personal trauma can be transformed into a powerful source of resilience and strength? Join us as Angelica Ross, renowned for her role as Candy in the groundbreaking series Pose, shares her journey and insights on overcoming trauma through art and truth. Angelica’s heartfelt stories and reflections highlight the profound experiences of Black trans women, illustrating the depth of their resilience and the necessity of community support. Together, we explore the complexities of trauma and the transformative power of embracing one’s truth in fostering healing and compassion.In this riveting episode, we venture into the intersectionality of being a Black trans woman in the tech industry, focusing on authenticity and representation. Angelica’s activism and vocal stance against systemic barriers offer a compelling perspective on self-education and the dynamics of social media. We unravel the influence of algorithms on our awareness and the critical importance of personal responsibility in combating ignorance. By sharing personal anecdotes, we underscore the power of authentic voices in shaping a more inclusive and informed society.Balancing personal growth and community support is a recurring theme as we discuss the journey of healing and self-discovery. From Buddhist principles of endurance to the impact of small gestures in recognizing shared humanity, we emphasize the significance of building capacity and finding calm amidst life’s demands. This episode also highlights the importance of self-reflection and maintaining a balanced approach to mental health struggles. Join us in fostering a supportive community where everyone can thrive and find their own path to victory.#AngelicaRoss #TraumaIsExpensive #AuthenticityMatters #ResilienceInAction #BlackTransLivesMatter #PoseFX #TransRights #LGBTQAdvocate #CommunityHealing #PersonalGrowthJourney #PalestineConflict #SocialMediaActivism #AlgorithmAwareness #SystemicChange #HealingFromTrauma #SelfAcceptance #EmotionalResilience #LiteratureForHealing #MentalHealthAwareness #UnplugFromSociety #OvercomingChallenges #VideoGameOfLife #HealingTogether #TraumaRecovery #PersonalResponsibility #MindfulLiving

Hello there, brave souls. Welcome to Trauma is Expensive with your host, Micah Bravery. Here, we don't just talk about trauma. We count the cost and we make the change. With every episode, we dive deep into the heart of trauma, its implications, and the resilient transformations it can ignite through conversations, insights,

real stories, and unflinching honesty. This podcast is here to empower every survivor to turn their pain into progress. So let's take a journey together as we understand, confront, and finally heal. Welcome to www.TraumaIsExpensive.com, your platform for change. Now, let's get started. What is up, my beautiful people? Welcome to Trauma is Expensive. I am your host, Micah. Got producer Crystal in the building. Hello, hello. good, some of them bad, but you know. Some might start off bad, but you got to lay it away to the end and end up good, right? Okay, yes. Because I was introduced to you, of course, through Pose, right?

So I, it was random one day, I was on Netflix and Elektra, the scene they had was like Elektra telling somebody off. Got me interested. Cool, gonna watch it. Of course, watch it. Did like everybody did. Fell in love with blanca

hated everybody else you know i'm saying so i did not like candy you hear me candy was mean as hell i was like oh i don't know if she was mean but okay well you know in the beginning and it's like you don't learn the stories until go by but i'm like oh miss candy nasty right so if you guys don't know angelica playsays Candy, go watch Pose. I think it's really, really dope. Another reason why I kind of became infatuated in Pose is because I actually grew up in New York City in that era. So I used to hang out at those piers. And I never knew anybody that kind of had HIV or was exposed to HIV or those kind of things.

So it just showed me also, like, my world was a big bubble because I used to hang out there, but I was young. I was 16. I kind of stayed on the safe side of the piers and those kind of things. Well, anyway, it gets to the episode where I think like Elektra kills somebody and they come to you to help get rid of the body, right? So I was like,

okay, I'll get rid of the body. Now you need a bitch. Now you need a bitch. Okay, but you said this line to to I think it was to Blanca. You said you always think doing the right thing is the right thing to do. I'm kind of paraphrasing. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. There's some fact that you always think doing the right thing is the right thing to do. And I don't know why that line hit me so much much but it was the conviction that you had behind the line i was like okay this actress has been through some shit because she kind of like just delivered that line and it made so much sense

you know i was like no one else but you could have said that. Right. Wow. You know, I love that you're even saying that because it is moments like that. You know, as an actor, our job is to bring truth to a character and to make them feel real and not that you're, you know, just playing something. Right. And and and and and, you know, for so many black trans women, I think it's just the experience as well. And so many people who have lived on the opposite side of morality's judgment. Right. That says that, that creates a definition or determination or some sort of, you know, almost like trying to cast a spell over your life about, you know, what is reality. Right. Right. And and you can say all you want to say. But I'm going to tell you one thing, sweetie, from this perspective, calling the cops ain't really the thing you want to do, honey.

Blanca. Right. So so that so that was you know that just comes from knowing you know being in those spaces and knowing that you got to rely on community i have never in my life felt like i could rely on cops right right it's always been community yeah and it's kind of crazy because i always talk about individual truth and i think to me it comes to individual truth. You know, like what's a reality for me isn't a reality for you. You know, absolutely. And I think that we forget that both can be true at the same time.

I don't trust the cops. When I was younger, my cousin was killed by a police officer and the police officer was asleep with my cousin's wife and end up, you know, and my cousin came home early one day and he shot him so and completely got away with it no time no no wow such a random story right i know you hear my sarcasm but go ahead you're right it's so random right it's never happened before yes right so cool so i started looking into you after i heard that line and i was like, OK, I don't know. And in that moment, I was like, you know what? You was straight judging candy. But it also became about you, the person behind candy, because once again, it was the conviction. But can I tell you, but let me tell you that that is you want to talk about, you know, that this this podcast you know is contextualized in

the in the framework of talking around trauma because i think one of the hardest things about trauma is being able to see it clearly right because i i think that that's what keeps people in a space of suffering. Right. Because pain is pain, but suffering is something that you're attaching yourself to. Right. Because one thing I don't do is suffer fools. So I don't attach myself to none of the foolery. Right.

You understand what I you know, So, again, that line that you're talking about, about Candy saying, just because you think doing the right thing is good. I don't even remember the line now, and I got to go now back and look at the line, but I know the essence of the line. that is is is is like a barometer that i'm constantly brought to every scene right right so so to think about that fact that i'm bringing this element of truth which in in in in the best ways with art provides a reflection definitely truth and the best art you see yourself reflected somewhere in it right so to own the fact of the judgment of someone like candy right and from that state is is to say that this isn't the first time because not you not whatever this we do this and the thing is is that like even with me angelico ross right i sometimes am very loud about a lot of causes and a lot of things and people want me to sit down and shut up. Right. Right. Right. Yeah.

That was going to be even, I'm talking about even people within liberal spaces. Right. And even people within LGBT community. Right. And even people within black and brown LGBT community spaces and even people within the trans community, like to break it all the way down is to say that, girl, but where I want someone to do is pick up a big ass magnifying glass and please tell me where you find the lie at. Right, right. And anything that I am standing up and saying, and that is the kind of business that Candy stood on. And so what was so wildly. Reciprocal and heartbreaking and and somewhat.

When someone lives vicarious, you know, it was such a vicarious experience, but it was one that was reciprocal because the tears that I cried for candy, the frustration that you saw, the so much of what I brought to that character was what I knew I was experiencing or would experience in my own life. Right, right, definitely. I was never meant to be, I was not written to be the main character of that show. Right. But I'm one of the stories that sticks with people. Definitely. And all I can say about that is that there was so much intention behind what i did it was not about being in front of the camera it was not about being famous it was not about being the main one it was not about

any of that it was about being real and and every single moment i that was my ultimate goal was to be real about the moment because think about it this way let's just say the scene is a scene and i'm in the ball room and it's about blanca played by mj rodriguez who we love you know and and dominique right and let's say you know we got dominique um in the scene we got hayley sahar you know we got all these other folks but um the story as is written is all about them. Right. How do you expect me to feel about that? Right. So, roll the cameras, bitch. You know what I'm saying?

And let's go. Because I'm going to give you a very real embodiment. Yeah, you did do that. Yeah. But see, that's all I'm going to say. So then I decided, I was i was like okay i'm gonna look up angelica ross and the first thing i read about you is that you was a troublemaker a troublemaker

yeah and and i don't know actually and i don't want to like quote anybody but i feel like it was a ryan murphy quote or something that somebody was not to call anybody out there but that just made me more interested now because i'm like oh oh, I like troublemakers, you know. So I started following you on Instagram. And it's like, once again, everything you said, you stand up for everybody. And I think that that is so beautifully, beautifully amazing. Right. Because, you know, me, I didn't realize how much I didn't do until I started watching your stuff, you know. And then I was like, wow, like I'm not educated about none of this stuff.

You know, like I didn't get the Palestine war and I didn't. And, but that's so intentional and it's, and that's, and, and, and, and what I want to make space for, because again, in a mental health space and conversation always make space for quote unquote, the reality of things. And the reality is it's not just happenstance. That you didn't know anything about

Palestine. I didn't either. I was told that it was complicated. And then we all found out it was actually corrupt. And so it's the understand the machine of an understanding.

This is, you know, I say a lot of different things and, you know, I need hopefully people are listening is what I'm going to say. But I'll say this is that we understand that what makes the world go round is currency. Right. And currency is calculated and transferred at different rates depending on what country you're in. Right. You know, the exchange rates are different. Technology has discovered a way

in turning our attention into currency. And that is what is behind social media. Without our attention there is behind social media without our attention there is no social media there is no Instagram without

eyes to look at the photos so I was in a space where when you let that happen organically we were organically moving into a space where collectively as community we were organizing under hashtags and under many things to be able to organize and disseminate information and distribute information. Right.

Billionaires, people with things in interest and all that. They saw all of that. I've been at so many tech conferences, every tech company you can think of. Right. You have your own tech company you can think of right you have your own tech company right i have my own tech company and still am getting deeper into the you know the sectors of cyber security especially as i start to talk about politics and getting into the political conversation you know some of my things it's about understanding your life and your really real intersections and experience and my experience is not just being a Black trans woman,

it's being a Black trans woman in tech and in business and a lot of things. So I'm not just someone running their mouth. I know what I'm talking about. I know what I'm talking about when we're talking about metrics. So what I do know is that we go from a time when you have a lot of white people who have been benefiting off of copying things, whether it's on TikTok and blah, blah, blah, whatever, but stealing the attention that black people and brown people were creating

off of dances and different things or whatever, and them getting that attention over to their platforms. You have people like myself, people who are powerful speakers, whether it's Feminista Jones or, you Jones or whoever else, Amanda Seale, whoever else that might be saying different things and the platform says ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, we found a way to create an algorithm.

So now, your 480,000 followers you thought you had, you see that 200 likes you just got on that? right yeah yeah bitch so so so you have to make room for understanding the system has always created tools to keep you from understanding to keep you from knowing right that is why it has to be up to you and the individual and sometimes we have to remind people right that you need to be responsible for your own education

you need to be responsible for your own because your ignorance is not just bliss your ignorance will also get your ass whooped in certain places. Your ignorance will also cause you to get your purse stolen. Your ignorance will, you know what I'm saying? Like if you just don't know what the hell is going on, you just walking around with no information. So as an adult boo-boo you need to, now I'm not saying to you, you know what I'm saying?

No, no, no. This is how I get going, you know what I'm saying? This is how I get going sometimes. No, I feel you, I feel this is how I get going sometimes no I feel you but just saying as an adult you need to put your and understand that we this is not none of this is happenstance this is a system sweetie and the more that you recognize you are part of the system whether you think so or not right and then to take responsibility and for your audience that is listening right now and I want to give you you if you have not heard this definition, I have been preaching this definition for a couple of years now.

I heard this definition from a black woman who was a Buddhist that I learned. I didn't even know her personally. I just saw a tape one day of her talking. Right. And it was just so powerful. And she said that responsibility is the ability to respond. Her name was Linda Johnson. Right. And ever since I got that, it is the one seed that continues to blossom new understanding. Right. Because what I have to understand is. We live in an ableist world a world that wants to tell people who maybe they have hearing problems maybe they have physical limitations maybe they have mental limitations maybe they have whatever they want to tell people with uh uh different abilities that they can't, what they can and cannot do. Right, right, right. One, and sometimes, unfortunately, people,

especially people who don't recognize that there's a system, you don't recognize that you're systematically being conditioned out of your ability to respond. Right, right. to respond. Right. Your responsibility. Right. Yeah, go ahead. So kind of going into that and kind of bringing trauma into this. So I kind of was a person

that went through a lot of trauma growing up. My first memory is of being molested. You know, I don't. And then I always grew up and I was a pretty kid. I was like, hey, that word. How old were you? Four. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. I was four years old and it happened for a really, really long time. We grew up in New York City. My mom kind of managed the building and it's like, I don't know what it was about me. I used to blame myself all the time because it was like multiple men. And because it happened at such a young age like i used to think it was normal you know at one point and and um like i thought it happened

to everybody you know but um people always you know threaten my mom or you're like i have access to your mom if you say anything i'm gonna kill your mom or i had a little brother or if it's not you it's gonna be your little brother it's this thing is this thing and that happened for probably so i was about 16 and and then and then finally ended up getting like sick and i was paralyzed in the neck down and so kind of one trauma after other and i was 25 i had stage four cancer a seven chance of living you know i kind of went through a lot so you know i was ignorant to a lot of things because I had to stay in my world and make sure that I lived. Absolutely. So there's a lot of things I wasn't paying attention to.

You know, I wasn't paying attention to the color war in the world because I had my own war going on, you know. Absolutely. And it's like as I grow older and I'm still beginning more ignorant, you know, I'm only in my healing journey. I say three years into my healing journey. You know, three years ago, I decided, you know what, there is something definitely wrong with my life and I need to start healing, you know?

But now that I'm three years into that healing and now that I'm kind of whole and like loving myself and I'm in a really, really good spot, you know, in a really good place in my life. I like where I'm in my selfish stage, Angelica. It is about me. If it don't benefit me, I ain't got time for it.

You know what I'm saying? But that's not I don't think that's selfish because it's not selfish when you realize that what you do individually comes into the collective. And if you're not healed individually, if you're not right individually, you're going to bring that into the collective. Right. Definitely. And I think that kind of is like the point because i am healing now i'm open to the messages that you're giving to the conversations that you're having you know now i'm starting to see wow there was a whole world outside of my pain that's in pain you know and but i love that you're again i love love how organically this conversation is happening, because.

I think you're illustrating, again, a. Human reality. Many, many times, you know, especially like the body does this thing with pain. Right. Where if there's somewhere, if you have a headache, say for instance, but let's say you slice your hand open, you're not even going to know about the headache. Right, right. Your body's going to focus all its attention on the pain that's the most important right now or that it needs the most attention. Right. the pain that's the most important right now or that, that, that it needs the most attention.

Right. And I think that that's something that our relationship with pain and those that don't numb ourselves through it, that's something that it can, that our relationship with pain can tell us is that there's something that we need to pay attention to. Right. But I think that what you also illustrate is one thing, what my Buddhist practicehist practice has brought me uh an understanding around too is uh the term or the concept of capacity okay and understanding you know when you talk about doing your best that your capacity to do your best is going to be different from day to day right period right so if you're dealing with something where you're paralyzed and you're doing certain things or you got even there's financial uh limitations there's all these different things that limit a person's capacity to do to do anything right and this is

the this is where i want to do like this, like, and take this little, little, little, little flame and blow on it a little bit. Because what I want folks to see and feel is that there's always value and space for you to build capacity. Right. And that looks different from day to day, but even when you are going through something, the practice of being a human being and recognizing someone else's humanity is being able to manage your own pain and have enough space right even if it's just a little bit right i got i got five minutes today

for you right or whatever it is but and then building that capacity because i've become someone someone now that people, you know, kind of have this like wonder around how I've demonstrated my capacity to be available to various people, communities, conversations, what have you. Right. Right. But I have to say that, you know, when I first was introduced to this Buddhist practice and I was building trans tech, um, one of my Buddhist mentors was telling me I was telling him how I was just struggling with balancing it all. My credit score was in the tanker. My bank accounts were negative, but I

was just called to the work. I was doing it. I was getting the results during the work, but my personal life was what have you. And so he said, well, Angelica, he was like, and I get goosebumps thinking about this because this was before I had two nickels to rub together. I had three roommates in Los Angeles in this house. And this was 2000, around 2010.

And he said, Angelica, your life, you have a big mission. And what I want you to do is to chant for the endurance that your life is asking from you. Right. So that and to chant for the endurance and chant for you to increase your capacity to do it all or to handle more. Not saying you should be someone who does it all and doesn't take rest. Right, right, right, right. What it says is that I'm suffering right now. That back then, I didn't have much.

You know what I'm saying? I really was. I didn't have a lot. And yet I was here trying to build a nonprofit and doing all these other things. Where and what planet? And so, like, you don't have anything. And so, but with the intention, with the correct intentions to increase your ability to respond to the challenges, not just your own challenges, but to be able to recognize, wait a minute, I'm not the only one who's experienced this. Who's been disabled by America, by COVID or by the military or by capitalism or by violence, gun violence or whatever it is. And when you recognize

you're not the only one. Right. What you realize is that my life with my life, I have an opportunity to become part of the synergy of healing when some when someone experiences these things, because there's a lot of other synergy of what people do with their pain when they're not trying to heal. Right. Right. And I kind of wanted to add to that. I wanted just to remind people that both things can be true. And that was the biggest turning point for me that I realized that I could be suffering and you could be suffering and we both could be suffering at the same time. This can be a reality. You know, I don't have to give your suffering more than my suffering. Like, you know, it's like I can have this. You can have that.

And we can coexist together and maybe we can help each other out. But both of them are true. Absolutely. Both of them are true no matter what it is, you know, because we suffer for different reasons. So it's like, you know, I hate the term big trauma, little trauma. I'm like, you're not going to tell me that something I feel is little, you know, we not, we not going to have that. You're right. So it's not, it's no comparison and there shouldn't be comparison. And to me, we can kind of go into that's, you know, another reason why our world is so messed up because we want to do those things and in place you know it's so fruitless it's so fruitless

to compare it's so fruitless because what what does you what you have to do like because again like you said big trauma little trauma okay let's switch the words for a second big challenge little challenge okay well let's just say my challenge is little, your challenge is big. At the end of the day, what we're talking about is what's keeping you from living the life you want to live? Right. Because sounds like that big thing or that small thing might be actually big for you. Right, right. thing might be actually big for you. Right. So, so that's why you can't compare the sizes of those things. It's really fruitless because it has everything to do with what you are doing with your challenges.

Right. Right. And to me, I think that's kind of why I, you know, I have a lot of respect for you. One of my favorite people in the world. Right. Thank you. But it's like the, always the honesty in the things, you know, and it's like there probably have been things that I don't understand that you said I don't agree with. But I recognize the truth in what you're speaking in. And it's like, OK, this is true. I may not understand it right now, but it's true because she's saying it, you know.

And that's kind of a really big thing that you taught me. You know, you did teach me that because a lot of things you said just made sense. And I feel like when you hear the truth, it makes sense. You know what I'm saying? It's something about the truth, especially when you're healing. There is something-

Eckhart Tolle talks about that. It's a spiritual thing. So it's a thing that you, if you want to heal, if you want to, you know, experience certain things, then you have to, at the very least, open yourself up to recognizing when something you hear rings true. Right. Right. Right. And then as multiple things can ring true.

And I think that's the thing that we just, you know, we forget. It doesn't just have to be limited to one thing. It's like so many different people in this world and blood types and just so many things to consider. How can one thing be true? Well, you know, the problem that we get into is that when we want to create a truth, which in which we want to enforce people to all agree on and and the reality. And I think that there's, you know, a conservative and liberal sort of talking point around both sides of this, because, you know, you have your Candace Owens out there who says, I'm a conservative. Right. And I don't want you liberal nutso's forcing your reality onto me. Right. If I don't believe these things, I don't need to believe these things.

Right. And I think what is so wild to me is that people miss, sweetie, no one is forcing you to believe anything or even to say anything. Right. Because you can continue to call trans women men. Right. Let me make sure that people are hearing me clearly. Right, right, definitely. You can continue to call trans women men.

You can continue to call trans women men. You can continue to call trans men women. You can continue to call black people the N-word if you're not black. You can continue to call women bitches if you're not a woman. You can do all of that. What you want to take responsibility for is the community you will create by doing those things. When you look up and look around you at the people who want to use the same language you want to use, and you recognize you're around a lot of people who don't mean any good to each other. So again, shout out to Peter Block, the author of a book called Community, who says the admission price for community is accountability.

So, do whatever you want to do because Candace Owens, I don't give a damn about you because I'm not accountable to you. You're not accountable to me. Do what you want to do, sis. Live your life. Right, right, right. But it's true. I mean,

like snaps. You get snaps for those. Every time she talks like i could feel like her words just like you see how i became infatuated with angelica ross and see one thing that's really cool about our episodes is like 92 percent of people who start them finished them so it's really cool that they're going to hear this whole conversation okay yeah so i i want to know though like, like, you know, everything you're saying, like I said, like I can feel that you're speaking like from the heart. Now, say that people aren't ready to heal or anything like that. How did you get to where you are now to be able to that along the way there are keys or insights that um help to operate as like a catalyst right for understanding for uh

you know knowledge and for those things and so one of the biggest keys I can talk about is reading a book called The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz. Now, many people might not know that book, but many people know the book, The Four Agreements. And so The Four Agreements was a, you know, a book that, you know, because of its, you know, there's, there's a lot of mythology, methodology behind things like marketing. And so when you have things like the 10 steps or the four, this or the, what have you, it's easy to remember there's different things or what have you. So you have the four agreements, be impeccable with your word, always do your best, never take anything personally. And I forget what the fourth one is, but but he has this book called The Voice of Knowledge.

And it might be a little lesser known book. But what that book taught me was the first book that my therapist had given me when I went to therapy looking for hormones. I was just trying to get on hormones so I could start my transition and start doing my thing. I didn't really think I had anything to fix or anything that was wrong with me. I didn't have anything to talk about. But as I got to talking and as she slipped me that book, there were just so many things. And so The Voice of Knowledge, one of the main things about that book. There were just so many, so many things. Um, and so the voice of knowledge, one of the main things about that book that it taught me was that the voice that

you have in your head, talking to you every day, the conversations you have going on, it is not yours. And if you have not recognized that yet, then today is the day that you start recognizing that. So the voice in your head is really a conditioning that starts from your parents. Right. But it's not just coming from your parents. It's coming from the society that informs your parents, whether it's not just coming from your parents it's coming from the society that informs your parents whether that be religion whether that be uh conservative liberal whether

this that your race ethnicity this that culture all kind of things and simon says i always tell people that's like the worst game simon says you didn't do what simon said go stand in the corner like what well but we're so we're so conditioned though by even what programs that we watch on tv about what we should think what we should feel what we should want right so until you start to separate and identify that the voice that is talking to you actually might not have your best interest at heart right they might still be actually telling you that you can't be that singer or that writer or that actor or that podcast host or that uh salesperson or that ceo or that what whatever it is when in reality that's your parents they were telling you that

we don't do that or we don't you know that as a child into adolescence, into adulthood, that there is an entire machine from cartoons to movies to commercials telling you that you should feel like you want a car you want a successor you want a wife or you want this you there's all this propaganda telling you about who you should want to be as a man as a woman as this is that right right so to understand that alone is to understand that some people have learned from the simple step of not falling asleep with the TV on. Because you realize that you're sleeping and allowing various subconscious messages

to just continue to go in while you're sleeping. Right, right. This is what's happening while people are awake right because they are so unconscious to the fact that they are conditioned to think that the way that they are that the radio playing the tv going the conversation with my parents everything is is reinforcing a conditioning when you realize what's happening is like in some sci-fi movie that there's a stream

connected to your head of constant information and messages. I'm ugly. I'm too dark skinned. I'm not skinny enough. I'm this, I'm that or whatever. And as soon as you fucking pull that plug out.

You pull that or whatever. And as soon as you fucking pull that plug out. You pull that plug too. And as soon as you pull the plug out and you're in silence and you start to rebuild that voice. Right. That is how I got to a place of speaking the way I do. That is the way I've gotten to speak confidently is because I unplugged from

that machine. And in some ways, like a dope thing, hooked myself up to Eckhart Tolle and Dr. Wayne Dyer and all these like this group books and bootdhist all this stuff and there were days when i was walking through my house and on apple music or on play or whatever repeat is the power of now a new earth on repeat every day i finished it twice three four five six ten times whatever and what i realized is that i was willing to do that because that's how much I was unconsciously being brainwashed by the other feed. So that's as much as I need. That's almost

the least that I needed was to re keep reminding myself. Cause I would snap back into the everyday thinking everybody else. Nope. Remind yourself, you don't have to plug into that right so it's not and that's what something that eckhart tolle talks in his books around the growing gap of awareness in which you don't have to remind yourself so quickly right but in the beginning when you're doing that you have to be on top of yourself it's a vigilance and so that type of vigilance is what I want to encourage people to have around their life's response ability. Right. Be vigilant about how you respond, when you respond, how much you respond, to whom you respond. Right. That vigilance will add to your self-health care, to your health care, to your mental health.

And doing all that and staying inside your capacity, right? Absolutely. I will say not staying inside your capacity, being aware. Because there are just many days where you need to push beyond what you might have been capable of the day before right definitely definitely that's kind of one of my sayings I'm like tomorrow I'm going to be better than I was today

absolutely and you know what and then I do that knowing that I might have setbacks you know I'm one of those people that I wake up angry I don't know why something happened I think I'm a power ranger in my sleep okay and I be fighting this stuff but I wake up angry what people that I wake up angry. I don't know why. Something happened. I think I'm a Power Ranger in my sleep, okay? And I be fighting and stuff. But I wake up angry. What time do you wake up?

Usually about six. Okay. Yeah. And I wake up kind of angry. And then I just, for the rest of the day, I'm just angry. I'm like... Why do you wake up at six? Because I have to go to work.

Okay. That's what I'm asking. So what time do you have to be at work? So really, I have to be there when I get there kind of thing. So like eight o'clock. So luckily I'm the boss. So I kind of get there when I get there. So you have a commute?

Not really. It's like funny. Once again, it's about six minutes. Oh, wow. That's great. Six is in my life a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the reason why I say, the reason why I asked you that, because I'm just about to give you, I just, you know,

just a very organic, again, example in the responsibility, you know, the ability to respond. When we talk, I talk a lot about winning. I have this community that I built called the Winner's Circle. It's basically something like a LinkedIn,

like a Facebook, you know, it has community guidelines. It's basically something like a LinkedIn, like a Facebook. It has community guidelines. It's free to join. Post anything you want, just not nudity and whatever. It's basically a community of people who encourage each other to win over whatever their challenges might be.

You got a job thing coming up or you got a role you want or whatever it is, just knowing that you actually can win at these things. But you also need to prepare yourself for that opportunity. Right. And to also understand that when it comes to winning, it's a mindset that is something that you have to be vigilant about moment to moment. And so this there's this thing that we have in Buddhism. We talk about winning in the morning. And it's not something that is easy to do or that I always do. But this is what I'll say about that is practice your response

to everything. And so I'll say first, practice your response to the sun. practice your response to the sun. Practice your response to the sun coming up. Right. Practice your response to waking up, to sleep, to the sensation of waking up. Your response to a cup of coffee or, you know, your response to like, again, the way you like if something's too hot or too cold.

But is it really or is it that I can condition myself to have more capacity for hotter things or for colder things or, you know, so I just say that to say that there's so many small moments in which you can practice your ability to respond differently every single day, like would probably change, like have a drastic change on your entire life. Right. So just to clarify, though, I barely wake up angry. OK, so I usually wake up like this, which is crazy. I'm one of those people like, look, Whitney Houston is my alarm. She comes on Higher Love. Wonderful wonderful yes yes that's my morning whatever you have to do to get you into that spirit is all i'm saying is this is realizing whatever it is it doesn't it could be that i don't eat well in the morning i don't feed myself well before i leave the house or you know there's been many many things that I've done. And so realizing the clock resets every day for certain things and every second for other

things. Wow. Yeah, that's pretty dope. That's pretty dope. Dropping jewels. Okay. And I wanted to say, so it's kind of funny. I stopped listening to my brain a long time ago because I realized how programmed I was.

You know, I had, I call my abusers dementors like Harry Potter, cause they try to suck the soul out of me. So my dementors, um, I knew put a lot of programming into me. So kind of like once I realized that I was thinking the wrong way, I kind of started living by my emotions, what I felt about it. And so I do things on how I feel about it, you know? And, and, and usually in my brain will always contradict it. Like, no, don't do that. You know? And it's like, no, but I feel like it, you know? And usually in my brain, we're always contradicted. Like, no, don't do that, you know? And it's like, no, but I feel like being generous.

So I feel like giving this person this five minutes or, you know, I feel like randomly calling somebody I haven't talked to in a long time, you know, like these are things. But I've also felt like dropping friends and letting go of people and ending bad relationships. So I'm kind of in that feeling everything out right now, right? So, you know, kind of in my, in my selfish mode. So when I do wake up angry, I kind of always, right now I feel like it's necessary because I'm still growing in my healing. So I, I, I, I allow myself to have it because I want to figure out where it comes from. Absolutely. That's what I'm, that's really, I know that's what you were saying.

And it really is the relationship with it every day. It's like, okay, so what is this? Right, right, right. But I guess, you know, it's, I didn't think about like the simple things like, you know, like acknowledging the waking up, you know, or the brushing my teeth or, you know, finding, you know, thinking about like the little small things. Cause right away I'm thinking, I'm angry now. Why am I angry? Like what happened that I'm angry? You know, like what did I dream about? But I don't pay attention to like the smaller, like the seconds, you know, it was like you said is, you know, you don't,

you think about the minutes and hours, but you don't think about the seconds, but they there, they exist. They're important. You know? So like, being able to slow down has,

you know, really changed my life. You know, speaking of, you know, mental health, you know, I'm someone that has had to had a long journey into my ADHD diagnosis. And so

the way that I have looked at, not in, I won't say in complete judgment, because I think I've always understood in some level, but to think about somebody, let't say in complete judgment, because I think I've always understood in some level. But to think about somebody, let's say who is bipolar. Right. Who doesn't want to take their medication because they feel fine. Right. But it's great when you feel fine. But when it's the medication is to keep the balance, you know.

Right. And so it's odd to me that I spent so much of my life judging myself and saying, come on, Ijaka. Right. I mean, all it takes for you is just to get organized and just, you know, just don't be so distracted. Do this, do that, do this, do that. And it's just simple. One, two, three. Right. be so distracted do this do that do this do that and it's just simple one two three right and when

i could not do one two three and it became a lot more than that and i'm i one one of the one thing you could do 50 things at a time or nothing at a time right and one of the things that i discovered from my experience is not realizing and understanding the how like layers of different things can um confuse what was really going on so say for instance i thought i also had anxiety you know um and i you know i do have anxiety but uh you know when i had anxiety and i went on medication for anxiety i did not like the anxiety medication they put me on i didn't like the way it made me feel um i felt too checked out you know whatever the case is and so for me it was smoking weed smoking weed was like the thing that helped me with my anxiety the best

right right and and so that's what i did for a very long time and that is why also when i you know get into political conversations around decriminalization is also around restorative justice and all these different things but and so i will always also talk from my own personal experience and be transparent. Other people might not say that they smoke weed in politics or whatever. I'm going to say that because. That led me in my journey to understand that I was treating my anxiety when really I should have been treating my ADHD. The moment that I treated my ADHD, my episodes of anxiety almost

disappeared. Like, I don't really experience anxiety anymore now that I'm on my medication because I have my attention. So I'm someone who as we've talked about, I have a big capacity for my life. So I'm someone who, as we've talked about,

I have a big capacity for my life. I build a big capacity. That shit will drive me. Right. Because I'm committed to it all. Right. With my heart. Definitely.

Ten toes down. Definitely. And I mean what I say. And I do what I say i'm going to do right and so to be that committed and people will call on you still and people call on me like i'm cnn sometimes now right from africa cuba all over the world i'm like sweetie i'm really not that powerful i i mean i will speak up on some stuff, but I really can't. I don't have I can't pick up the phone and call nobody and nobody do anything.

But Angelica for president. We go. Let's start the campaign now. Well, you know, we'll see. We'll see. But, you know, when I got to realizing that someone like me just needs to be able to feel calmness around the many things that I am called to do. Right. I need to not feel the urgency. The way that certain people might feel the urgency to have like a hit of a drug or something like you know or just even anything else like i that's how much of an urgency i might have to complete or do something in the middle of something else that i'm doing you know or whatever the case is so like to get that in order also got my emotions in order right there were just so many things tied to it that i didn't know

were tied to it right because i didn't have the space to regulate i didn't have the space to think and breathe because my brain was keep bopping to this to this to that and was drew and was taking my body dry so that i by the end of the day i'm'm, I'm, I, yeah, I'm passed out. Cause I did everything that my body that I could possibly do with this body. And now I'm tired. So when we learn to address what's really going on, what really is the issue? I think that our capacity to, to even see someone else grows. Right. Definitely. And I feel like that kind of goes straight into this episode where we talk about how to even see someone else grows. Right, definitely.

And I feel like that kind of goes straight into this episode where we talk about how expensive trauma is. Right. You know, and in your situation, you know, part of that was your ADHD. And I'm pretty sure a whole bunch of other stuff. Yeah. That kind of, you know, just cost you a lot. You know, I think about all the time it cost me,

all the fun time with my family because, you know, I was going through this stuff. My family didn't know. So I was protecting them because I grew up with an awesome family. My mother and father were great. So like they caused trauma, but not big traumas, you know. But, you know, I was still, you know, by myself in the room. I was in the dark and black, you know, and like all these kind of things. And I think about like the time I spent, could have spent spent with my family the time my father passed away in 2021 and it's like heck i probably could have got to know him more or differently to understand some things but because i wasn't dealing with this trauma or i didn't seek treatment and i think it's really dope that you

talk about therapists because i had a therapist too and she taught me how to talk and now i won't shut the hell up so uh which is good yeah right i'm pro therapy too you know it's like whatever it takes to get you to a point where you're happy right or or kind of like you said you're dealing in your capacity you can handle your capacity you can handle the things that you're dealing with what you're feeling your current position in life you know who you are at the moment, you know, because I know I tell people every day I'm perfect. Okay. I don't give a damn what nobody says. I am perfect. Why am I perfect? Because there is only one me. There is nobody I can compare myself to. I had this conversation with my niece and she says, so you don't think you could get better? To me,

that doesn't matter right now because today I am my best version tomorrow i'll be better because that is my goal to always be better than i am the day before but right now i'm standing in my perfection and i think that allowing myself to take that moment has been the biggest part of my growth to realize and there's nothing wrong with you it's just something wrong with all these people that are telling you something wrong with you. Because all those people are saying, you should be here, which is some sort of destination. And again, you know, I think a lot of religion, a lot of places

have put us into what I'll call bad practices, bad behaviors. And the reason why I say this is because a lot of religion, even though we call them religious practices, people aren't practicing. They're not in the actual form of practicing. So if you're not in the mindset of this practicing this on a daily basis, then you don't understand that perfection is practice.

Practice is perfection. And practice is daily life. So you are perfect. Because today's practice is practice. Practice is perfection. And practice is daily life. So you are perfect. Right. Because today's practice is perfection. Right, right. Okay. I see more snaps. You did say you could go with the flow, right? Like, we need to stop messing with you. Yeah, I'm telling you.

So I know you've got a lot going on. I kind of just wanted you to, well, number one, I wanted to ask, was there anything that you wanted to say that we didn't get to be a chance to say or convey to our audience? I just, like I said, I think we conveyed a lot. And I think, you know, when we talk about trauma is expensive,

baby, is it ever expensive? Because I think about, I had to do a lot much value in my life from my experience. Definitely. From my education, from just a lot of different things. And so. I've met a lot of people who have seen themselves in me because we have crossed similar bridges. Right. We have crossed similar streets. We have lived in similar neighborhoods crossed similar bridges. Right. We have crossed similar streets. We have lived in similar neighborhoods and similar towns. And sometimes people have mistakenly conflated themselves

with being the same as me. And I say that to say that there's an oversimplification that happens when people get into proximity of me and my life and the things I do. And some might think, even

whether it was my situation with Ryan Murphy or whoever else, well, shit, if I was in that situation, I would just do this this and that right right right and what i want to convey is that a hoe. I've been a housewife. I have been a CEO. I have been a cash register attendant

at Arby's. A waitress at Applebee's. I've sold credit card processors door to door. I have worked through, in order to get to where I'm at. What I have to teach people is this. Life is like a video game.

And unless you got a publication, a book or a website that is giving you the cheat code. Right. You got to go through and pass the board, baby. And if you don't pass that board, guess what? You got to do it again. So what

folks don't understand about Arby's, McDonald's, retail jobs, Wet Seal, Forever 21, whatever, you can name them all. Right, right, right. retail jobs wet seal forever 21 whatever you name them all right right right ain't got nothing to do with the job baby

and everything to do with you everything everything and so if you don't face what's yours to face if you wasting your time focusing on what your co-worker

doing and didn't do all up in her business she came in late, she didn't do this, she didn't do that it's so annoying, like mind your damn business if you don't focus on what you need to focus on, you will repeat that

and so if you don't address the trauma and the things that you're getting to it'll get so bad that you think because you're getting older and sometimes when you get older you're given a different job because you're just older than the teenager that has the job right and you might be a little bit more responsible because you're older and got a little bit more experience but you still haven't passed the level. Right, right, right. and making photocopies and answering a phone and answering an email or maybe, you know, doing something on a calendars.

I'm getting a little bit more advanced, but let's just say that it's simple things like that. Right. Those things can put you in all kinds of environments. Right. All of a sudden you're an assistant to. Right. those things can put you in all kinds of environments. Right. All of a sudden you're an assistant to, right. On a music, on a music video shoot or on a production particular.

That's why they call them production assistants. Cause they paid them about 12 to $14 an hour to just tell them to do whatever, whatever has nothing to do with the job and everything to do with your responsibility. How you respond to the environment, to the challenge, to the job. If you do not face what your challenges are and what your trauma is, not only could it cost you that job. Right. It could cost you future experiences in that industry, in that lane.

So there are people who have taken for granted being my assistant. Right. And I'm not talking about, no, Miranda Priestly, let me treat you bad type situation. I'm talking about an opportunity period. I'm talking about whatever it is. And if you don't show up to the job, if you're not delivering things, if you didn't complete a thing and a task or whatever, and I need to get rid of you, even then it's fine. Right. Because things happen.

Right. But if the narrative after the event has happened is all about them and the job and what was bad about the job and not about what you didn't do. Right. And what you could improve on or what have you, then you going to not you're not going to get past that level right right so i again it's so expensive because like i've learned so many lessons and i've lost so much money right i've lost money only you have a family that i have tried to bring into a space and teach things too, but they were in such their trauma. Right.

That how could I even blame them? Right. For not just wasting the opportunity, but wasting my money and time. Because at the end of the day, I also have to be in better practice and better awareness. Right. That we're all walking around here with traumas. Definitely. And so being an adult and taking responsibility for your life is understanding how to protect yourself.

Right. While still engaging with people. Right. Not disconnecting from everybody and just calling it quits. Right, right, right. Yeah. Like, I don't work that way. Staying, stay, we got to stay, we got, that's the only way is through it.

So you, you, you, again, there's a lot of people who have such avoidant behavior. You stop that. Right. You're not, you're not fooling anybody and you're not going anywhere by avoiding the problem. You kind of, look, start it into my next question because we, you know,

I get a lot of DMs and emails and those kinds of things from people who watch our episodes. And one thing that I get a lot of is, well, I haven't, you know, my trauma is not as bad as yours or I haven't had it that bad or, you know,

it's always somebody out there with bigger problems. And I just kind of wanted to see what your advice is to those people who have listened to everything you said, but still thinking, well, there is a no so-and-so down there or, you know, there was just, you know, a homeless man on the corner, you know, and so they don't want to consider their issues. Okay. So, again, everything is balanced right so what you're talking about is another extreme and on the other side of that extreme is someone remember we talked about who their capacity is so small all they can focus on is their own problems right they can't hear anybody else when they're saying well girl i got problems too i was trying to tell you that you know my man they can't don't hear none of that right all of that so again it's and that's why i love the concept just even if you don't practice buddhism the philosophy of it right brings so many different things into clarity and understanding the yin and yang of things, understanding the balance and things of the both and of things.

So if you ever find yourself, this is the answer to that person. Being on any extreme is never a healthy place. Right. So seek balance. Balance. Definitely. And you're focusing on, you know, the Black Lives Matter movement and you are focused on, you know, LGBTQ rights and you're focusing on all these things. As a way to avoid focusing on yourself. Right. Find balance, sweetie.

Right. Because you're not doing anybody any favors or being a martyr or whatever it is that you're doing trying to exhaust yourself for every cause definitely right so fine so the the key is always balance and i think that that is something that is like one of those again keys that you keep in your purse to bring out any time that you need to assess something. Right. So we talk about capacity. We talk about balance. We talk about, you know, again, another thing, my podcast that I have is No Opportunity Wasted.

Now, and the reason why is from the Buddhist perspective, we always say, well, when is, we have this concept called time and capacity. And part of that teaching is understanding when is the right time to act, to take action, to say anything. The time is always now. Right. The difference is always the capacity of you and your environment and other people.

So you need to become practice into becoming someone who is measured, balanced, measured in the way they approach conversations, environments, and things so that you are never giving too much. Right. You're always giving just enough. Enough. Right. Okay. Like we see you. So of course, I'm going to list all of your contact information below and the links to your podcast. and yeah and your podcast is kind of uh you invite i know you invite specialists sometimes you just have regular people it's kind of a situation so it's kind of conversations are endless you know it's like well the reason why the conversations are endless is because the point of this podcast and conversation is in the vein that people have heard the fact that I'm

going to be entering into politics and doing those sort of things. But I need to continue to do what Buddhism has done for me and to hold up a big ass mirror of a reflection and to everyone else to realize this ain't about me. And this never has been. And I am great and I'm wonderful and beautiful and talented and all these different things. And I own all of that. But so are so many other people. And what is more important for us to understand is that we need what there is a reason why in the Bible, which, again, I'm not a Christian, but I can always connect to truth. Definitely.

I can always connect to deep spiritual understandings and teachings. And so there's a reason why not coveting, you know, they would talk about obviously coveting someone else's wife, but like the act of coveting itself is not healthy because we have to understand the price that is baked in to the experience. Each moment you experience something, each moment you say yes to something you are saying yes to paying the price or not right and so you have a lot of people who are willing to keep going and keep paying the price that was put in front of them the long hours to practice at basketball or singing or doing whatever they kept saying yes There are other people like me when the, you know, the gym comes up and am I going to go to the gym? And I keep paying the price of saying no.

You and me too. I say no too. And so that's not adding up to what I would like it to add up. Cause I'm not saying yes to those moments. And so, but to understand the input output, but more so than input output, it's more of a reciprocal nature of that relationship with challenge is to then understand on the other side of things is that not only are your challenges yours, but there is such power in each one, each person's life. Right. Let's just take yours, for example.

In Buddhism, we have this concept about becoming a celebrity of the mystic law. Okay. I am a becoming a celebrity of the mystic law because people in Hollywood celebrate me because I am known for my roles on Pose, American Horror Story, Claws, Doubt, Transparent. You know, I can just name all the different things. Roxy, Roxy Hart on Broadwayway you know all those things so i have things to be celebrated for as a celebrity in hollywood right unfortunately celebrity culture has seeped into the our society as a value right and so Right. And so we celebrate people and things that we should not value and celebrate.

Right. Especially because those very things don't reciprocate the value to us. So to understand that when you become a celebrity of the mystic law, the mystic law says that no matter who you are, what life you come from, what place on the planet you come from, what your ability can create a valuable and enlightened, peaceful life and be and contribute that to the world. Definitely. Everybody can do that, no matter what you've been through, no matter what you've been through. Now, when you have someone like yourself who has said that you've been through the things that you have been through and gone through the things that you have gone through, there are people whose worlds have ended at that experience. Right. Right.

That's how important it is for you to illustrate there's life beyond that. Right. Definitely. You will be celebrated by people who recognize what you've done with your life. Right. You, if we become a community of people. Right. A

culture of people. A society of people who celebrate people who should be celebrated. Right. Right, right. Definitely. Jonathan Majors getting the Perseverance Award at the Hollywood Unlocked Awards. I don't

necessarily think that that's the sort of not when you're given so, there are people with less, right? Who are trying to make the right decisions, who are trying to move with the best ways that they can.

Right. Those are people who should be celebrated. Definitely. They're who are not abusing people who are not taking advantage of people's resources, who are not manipulating, who are not lying, who are not going about of people's resources who are not manipulating who are not lying who are not going about it the way that we know can win you favor right

i'm sorry if you're not clear already let's be clear lying cheating cheating or being willing to be an accomplice witness right or silent contributor to right is profitable so to even expand it even more is to say the more

willing you are to be an accomplice to capitalism's end goal the more you you are to be an accomplice to capitalism's end goal, the more you will experience its profit. So that's why we have to be in practice with a re-evaluation, a revaluation of each other and what we value and how we value each other. And it starts with how you value yourself and your own experiences. Once you do that, you would not be here talking to me right now.

You would not have your own podcast right now if you hadn't started somewhere at valuing your own experiences and saying this is worth me sharing. Definitely. Definitely. Yeah. And it's kind of a perfect segue into what we're doing with this podcast because we want to make this podcast about you, you know, you, the audience, you, the people, you know, everybody has a story to share and we want to create this platform much kind of, uh, I say your, your network, um um sounds pretty cool i'm gonna join it but you know it's much more bad like yeah it's about community and kind of just supporting each other

and uplifting each other and just sharing you know so many experiences i've had a world of trauma but i haven't had all the trauma you know right i was like i could share my experience but sometimes i need to hear about yours you know because i i need to know that it's not just limited to what I went through. You know, I'll tell you this a lot of times. So what happens in the winner's circle? So, you know, I'll say for your listeners here. So with the winner's circle, it's a free platform like a LinkedIn, like a Facebook for people to, you know, post about their things. We cheer each other on all that kind of good stuff now there is an added layer capitalism of course you know it's just we all participate in our own ways but this is just a way in which i've been able to as a celebrity put boundaries around my actual real time and engagement there's so many people in my dms asking all kind of questions from hey did you see this

show to uh how do I become a singer or actor or start my own business or get out of this or do this or that, you know? And so I am one person, only one person. And, you know, on Meta's platforms, I am limited. And so I created the winner's circle as a space that not only, obviously, if it's my platform and I'm on there, I'm engaging, I just engage period. I might like, I might comment or whatever, but for different levels, like for a $4.99 a month that gets people access to one free, what we call winner's circle Wednesday event happens at 8 PM on Wednesday nights. And it's literally a zoom meeting with me okay four dollars and 99 cents a month it's them one of those and so that's that's wild first of all but uh at nine or excuse me excuse me no i

oh excuse me i said that wrong i said that wrong so actually yeah so actually they do get those things but they get that uh in playback so they can see some of those things in playback. They can get access to those video playback at, excuse me, $19.99 a month, they at $20 a month. So they get this private space to meet and talk with me specifically around the winner's circle is around understanding that none of us have to be losers. We all can be winners and understanding that your challenges are yours. So let us focus and talk on what it is that you need to do or the things that you need to see clearly in order to win in your current circumstances or with your moment. It's like having me as a personal coach, but in a small group of people, because only, you know, you

have so many people who are paying $20 a month. Now at $40 a month, people are getting that weekly. So there, I'm doing that every week on every wednesday people are in and since it's less people doing that where you know it's more right right you know what have you but it's still a spectrum of being in an environment that is focused on positivity and winning and uh and if you're not personally winning being able to look to your left and your right and see how someone else is winning over in their challenge right we have i have people in my winner's circle who are facing eviction, people who have, you know, been doing various things. And the thing about being in the winner's circle with me is that again, this is not being a fan. This is not about being a fan of Angelica Ross and being able to be

in that space because you might not be a fan of me after you being in the winner's circle and I tell you that uh in order to win in your moment you're going to have to maybe change something that you're you're doing that's not adding up to what you say you want right right right so I'm our truth the price the admission price for a community is accountability and so for people, I'm that accountability factor. I don't have a personal stake in you losing. I want to see you win. So I'm not going to sit here and affirm the lies that you tell yourself. Right, right. Definitely. And so it's that kind of space and people quickly realize and value that because it's just not a lot of that out there. I'm not doing it at prices where I'm trying to take advantage of people and try to get rich off of folks or whatever.

I'm just creating a community in the space that says, let's value this. So if you value my time, don't waste my time asking me about some movie in my DMs or sharing, you know, whatever. I wouldn't do that to Oprah. I wouldn't do that to Ava. I'd be asking Ava, okay, how did, you know, whatever. If I had someone's time and ear about getting over on a challenge or whatever, I'd really make it count. Definitely. So this is about literally understanding the value in your own life.

Because if you don't treat someone else's time like that, how can you expect someone to treat your time and your life like that? Right, right, right. Right. And honestly, when you think about how often you spend five, 20 or 40 dollars on something that has no benefit to your life, you know, is like it's cheaper than therapy. Absolutely. And again, it's not, you know, it's you cancel whenever you want to do this, whatever. But it's one of those things. It's just that you think about it this way. There's just so many fans that I have who will pay 2020 just to, you know, get a picture or whatever, you know, or say hi or what have you. And so, you know, I've had to get a value that time because and realize that just because I am in an LGBT community, just because I am in a black community, just because I'm famous doesn't mean everybody's my audience. Right. That everybody's in the LGBTQ community even values me or what I even say right right right so I don't need to put myself in a space

where people are constantly extracting from me that don't value me right definitely you know what even more reason for me to join the winner circle okay yeah trust me we and we have tons of podcast hosts in there that actually that uh that uh know, it's so funny because they end up just really supporting each other, just not only in the experience of it, but being able to share each other's shows and stuff like that. It's not it's not it's not a competition thing, you know? Yeah, it is funny because people, you know, I'm one of those people where, you know, we're actually pretty top ranked. And so I think today we're number seven on spotify yes look take them a little bit of credit but also it's funny when people ask you like oh who are some of your competitors and it's like i don't know yeah because you know it was once again

mental health yeah not here to yeah you know it's like buddy we're glad that people are paying attention and we're glad that we're able to inspire. Of course, with everything that we said, we can't make anybody heal. We can't make anybody want to do anything. But we hope that we inspire you to be able to sit down as Angelica and tell you how brilliant and amazing and incredible she is, but also recognize that she is also kind of belongs to the world in a way you know yeah because i'm just a reflection of the world so exactly and the real i tell people this all the time it's like i can have two different experiences i can walk to a pride and i can run into a young black queer person

who sees me right and it's like oh my goodness you is like, oh, my goodness. You, Angelica Ross, oh, my goodness. You are so intelligent and beautiful and just smart and compassionate and kind. And what I'm telling that person is all you are doing is looking in the mirror. Right. Because all that you see in me is in you are doing is looking in the mirror right because all that you see in me is in you you wouldn't even be able to see it or witness it and so i at that same very pride i will walk into someone who says you make me sick right you are an abomination right you don't deserve love and if i get the chance to i can hopefully communicate to that person

that sweetie i am only a reflection right about how you feel about your own life definitely because i'm here you brought that to the party right i brought this you brought that right all right all right i kind of always felt that way about people lying people always you know like i'm i'm a very forgiving person and i kind of really legit love everybody um like i'm one of those people but uh you know just recently someone said something and the person left and someone else was like, you know, he's lying to you. Right. And I'm like, I know. And they're like, well, why didn't you say anything? Because he needed to lie. You know, that was about him. You know, he needed to tell that lie. So I'm going to give him the space to tell that lie. And then if he ever wants to

change it and talk about it, I'm here, you know, but he has to be the person but you know i am the person also sometimes to call you out on a lie i guess that's an advanced listen that's that's an advanced place to be i i applaud you on that because most people aren't that advanced to understand that like it's it's really one of those things that if you have the capacity right it's what it means to uh when when the thief takes your jacket to also give them your shirt. Right, right, right. Well, you know, I realized a long time ago that, you know, I kind of went through a lot of horrible things. And in that, I kind of became a reflection of the things I went through.

So there was a point in my life where I was a horrible person. And in that state, I hurt people and I destroyed people and I, you know, punished people and I did probably some incredible things I might have even destroyed lives you know um never physically but just the emotional turmoil and those kind of things pretty funny I ran into like responsibility come on oh I take it trust and I ran into an exit you know it makes me laugh when I not laugh funny but it's like it's so true because I ran into an exit like I had when I was like nine and it's like, oh, it's so good to see you. And it's like, no, it's not good to see you. And I was like, damn, like I fucked them up. Like, geez, I didn't mean to do all that, you know,

but it was like, we were nine, but it just goes to show I really was reflecting everything you said, like kind of the hate and the anger and just all the things I was going through. But one thing that I realized is that I was all I could be at that moment. I couldn't be nothing else because this is what the world was giving me, you know? And it's like, in recognizing that, I recognize that other people are just all they can be at that moment. You know, I knew that I wanted to change, you know, I kind of woke up one day, it hit me and it says, Hey, if you continue to live this life, number one, you're not going to have no life. You know, there's not going to be one. So I was like, I want life. And I did things, you know, I actively did things. I moved

away from all my family and friends. I felt like I needed a kind of fresh start. I didn't need to influence anybody. I wanted to do this journey alone because my life had been controlled by so many other people for so long. You know, when I finally started living on my own, not having to cook for somebody else was crazy to me. Like I'm cooking and I get to eat right after I cook. Like that was a treasure. Like usually I'm feeding people first, you know, and then I eat what's left, you know, and the last and it's cold by the end because I'm making sure everything else is good. But now I get the damn hot food tastes good. You know, it's nice when it's hot and it's nice when it's crispy, you know.

So it's like I started to learn these kind of lessons. But, you know, it's like I recognize my battles and my struggles and the things, you know, and it's like I could have ended up differently. There's many people who have been through horrible things and still end up being good people. I wasn't one of them at the time. You know, I kind of was a reflection of the world and I did some things and I just realized I was tired of hurting people. I was tired of making other people suffer for things they didn't do. You know, I had to stop seeing everybody as someone who was out to get me, you know? But then I kind of went twofold.

And now I give everybody 100% of my trust. They immediately is like, oh, I trust you. Balance. Well, no, the reason I do that though is because I say if you violate it, it's not because I didn't give it to you. Very true. So I have a reason now to walk away.

Very true. You know, I can't, I can't, like you can't hold it against me after this one mess up, you know? I'm in a reason now to walk away. You know, I can't, I can't, like, you can't hold it against me after this one mess up. You know, I'm in a relationship now. And he know the first time I feel unhappy, this is done. You know, now I'm not saying that we can't have issues and can't have problems. But the first moment I am not happy. Yeah.

Yeah. You recognize unha not happy. Yeah. Yeah. You recognize happiness. Yes. Right. And this it's over. Ain't no second. I think that what you're talking about, too, is that, you know, because in Buddhism, we make a clarification between absolute happiness and relative happiness. Right.

And basically, you know, it's this thing that I have a happiness that is not shaken by circumstance. Right. It's not shaken by like an argument or by my meal being cold or certain things or what have you. Like, okay, whatever. Right. But, you know, I have this absolute happiness. But if there's so, so. If something does truly make me unhappy.

Right. It's not just because the food is cold. Right. It's not just because of this one argument right i'm not happy right and i'm too old to be living in the space absolutely i know we're supposed to put categories but i'm too old for that like absolutely i gotta gotta enjoy life while i can well i'm sorry for running over with you look i feel like oh yes i oh and i gotta go yes but yes i'm like oh my god we gotta keep going forever i just looked at i Sorry for running over with you. Look, I feel like. Oh, yes. Oh, and I got to go. Yes. But yes.

I'm like, oh, my God, we got to keep going forever. I just looked at I was like, oh, snap. We're running over. But I'm glad that this all was great conversation. It was. It was a beautiful conversation. And just for the audience, you know, just know that we want you to come on and just like Angelica, be able to tell your truth, tell your lessons, you know, promote yourself, do the things that you could do. But most importantly, we want you to inspire because you are inspiring, whether you realize it or not.

And Angelica, you are incredible. Big hearts. I'm going to keep following you. I'm going to actually join your, uh, when it's when.missross.com, W-I-N.missross.com. Okay. Yeah. So I'm definitely going to join the platform. I like anything that's positive.

And thank you so much for co-hosting with us. Thank you so much for teaching us so much amazing things. And yeah, guys, we will see you next week. Peace, love and blessings. Bye. And that brings us to the end of yet another insightful episode of Trauma is Expensive. I'm signing off on behalf of your host, Micah Bravery, reminding all you brave souls to continue counting the cost and making the change. Don't forget to visit www.traumaisexpensive.com,

a dynamic space for understanding healing and transformation where we fuel the journey to turn pain into progress until we meet again stay resilient stay empowered and remember the mantra count the cost and make the change thank you for being part of the conversation we bid you farewell until next time