These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Riding the Waves of Emotion: Starlyn Haneman's Transformation and the Art of Nurturing Well-being | Season 3 Episode 326

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

Send us a Text Message.Have you ever been caught in the grip of emotions so raw they left you breathless, or gone through a day swaying under the weight of unspoken anxiety? We've all been there, and this episode is a balm to those aching parts of our psyche. Our guest, wellness maven Starlyn Haneman, sheds light on her own evolution from a gritty motorcycle mechanic to a guiding force for women grappling with anxiety, showing us that it's more than okay to ask for help and to step into vulne...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up guys? Welcome to an episode of these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah. Got producer Crystal in here with me and our very, very special guest, Starlyn Haneman, correct? Starlyn Haneman.

Haneman. See, I knew I was going to mess up something, but you know what? It's cool. We got to correct it. Haneman. So, Starlyn, one thing that we like to do is we actually ask our guests to introduce themselves because we feel like no one can introduce you better than you. So if you don't mind telling our audience a little bit about yourself. All right. I am Starlyn. I live in Fort Collins, Colorado. I am a mom of two wild and spicy girls, been married for 15 years, and I am an anxiety freedom and wellness coach that helps women to break free from anxiety and take control of their health and

happiness. That's pretty, it's pretty, it sounds pretty good except for the woman part. Cause I'm like, I need some help with that. Okay. You know, I have, I used to be a motorcycle mechanic in a former lifetime. And so I worked a lot with men. I just haven't worked with them in the coaching capacity. So you know what? If you want some help, I will take you on. You know what I was reading and it was talking about, I guess, like being overwhelmed. It's like overwhelmed and you help people. And I'm like, I am so overwhelmed.

Like if you knew my life right now and everything I had going on, you would be like, how can you even podcast? You're probably superhuman. I mean, some people can just take that overwhelm and just keep going. Oh, my God. Look, you know what? And I'm so tired of hearing. So I had cancer. I went into remission and then my cancer came back. So we caught it real early, but I've been on this very aggressive form of chemo because that's kind of how they want to fight it. Like, let's handle it aggressively. Let's just, you know, knock it out. So, of course, for the last 90 days, I have chemo brain. I don't remember anybody. Nobody is anybody's name.

Crystal has magically turned into Chris. I'm like, I am going through it. And then I listen to you and you're like, and I'm single and I sleep in a bed by myself, which is the best thing about my life, right? That I have this king size bed that I get to share with my roll ups. And then you come up here and you say, I've been married 15 years. And I'm like, ow, because I can't even stand somebody for 15 minutes. You know, it takes work. But I gotta tell you, I love sleeping by myself. I am a very

lone person. So there are nights that I'm like, I'm gonna sleep by myself. Because I need space. You can do that. I mean, that works in relationships. You can ask for what you need. No. You know what? I'm always, I always feel like, like, what do you do about the intimacy part? It is like, okay. So like you say, you have your moments where you just like, you want to sleep by yourself. Like I still want to sleep by myself every day. Right. So I was like, can't we just have sex in the living room and then you go to bed and then I go to bed. You know, I'm not opposed to that whole like separate bedrooms idea or separate beds. Like I think that that's a okay. My energy is much better when I sleep by myself. Okay. Okay. So we're here. So, uh, Oh was trying to say, though, one thing that I always hate that people say is, and I ain't going to say hate, I guess a strong word.

But, you know, always God gets his toughest or his toughest battles to his strongest warriors. And I'm like, I did not sign up for this. I did not enlist to be no warrior. God did not come down and ask me, hey, do you want to do this? You know what I'm saying? Like, what about free will? But we can talk about that another time. We can talk about that another time.

As you can see, I got issues. But, okay, let's get into you. What made you decide to go into this field and to coach people? You heard her. She has two girls. I know. Is that what it is? It's because you have two girls?

Well, they are a driving force behind it, for sure. But honestly, it was the path that I went down. I had anxiety and didn't know it. And I'm such a need to do everything myself. Since I was little, I would say star self. My mother wanted to kill me. I had to do everything myself. Since I was little, I would say star self. My mother wanted to kill me. I had to do everything myself. And I don't like to admit when I'm weak. So I ignored anxiety and I used alcohol to cope with it. And I thought it was just me being tough and pushing through, you know, white knuckling life, just, I'm going to get through it. And that works until you have panic

attacks. And then you have to adjust. And I didn't want to be medicated. You know, I didn't want to have that label. But then I was at that place. And I was like, Oh, I got to do something. So I went and got on medication. And I hated it. It wasn't for me. I'm not a doctor. I will put that out there. I'm not a therapist, but that was not my path. I did not like it. And so I was like, okay, I have to make some changes. What can I do? And I already had been going to school for food science and human nutrition. I had a healthy, for the most part, I thought, and I decided to implement changes in my life. And I quit drinking. And I started focusing on, you know, meditation and doing all these things. And I had thought that I wanted to help people get healthy through nutrition.

But this path showed me that nutrition is a small part of it but there's so much more going on like up top and in your mind that can affect everything else and i had i have two girls and they watched me coping with my problems with alcohol for you know seven five and seven years i think i think they're five and seven years old when i quit drinking and i was was like, they are now 10 and 12. So I haven't drank in, I guess it's been four and a half years since I quit drinking. Congratulations. Thank you. And I realized I didn't want them to go down the same path as me. I did not want them to think that motherhood was martyrdom, that you had to push through life and suffer. I wanted them to see that you could just live life and enjoy it. And things can be hard and feelings are okay. And that is why I love the name of your podcast so much. Because it was

like, all these fucking feelings that were in my body that I had never allowed myself to actually feel. I just kept trying to quiet them and not allow myself to feel anything uncomfortable. And I think we all messed up, right? Because it's like, we don't want to allow ourselves to go through, you know, it's like, I tell people all the time, like sometimes I just check out, you know,

and it's like, I just, you won't hear from me. You won't talk to me. I don't care how much you call me, how much you come to my house and ring my doorbell. When I check out, I check out because, yeah, because I realize that sometimes in order to go through, well, in order to get over something, you got to go through it. So it's like I allow myself to mourn, you know, and I use the word mourn, but mourn whatever it is that I'm going through, you know, whatever the situation was. Recently, it was cancer coming back. So it was like I had allowed myself to mourn the Micah without cancer, you know. And now who is this Micah? So it's pretty cool to hear you say that, because I always feel like that's such an important message. You know, people think about mental health and it's like, oh, you're supposed to be cured like that.

No, you kind of you have to go through some shit in order to get it together yeah you do you have to allow yourself those feelings and i think we're in this like i think it's finally starting to come out but there was such a long time where it was like don't feel just keep pushing don't allow yourself and i'm you know of the tail end of Gen X where it was like you had to just be perfect and show up and do these things and not allow yourself to feel. We grew up in that what happens in this house stays in this house era. You know, there's no talking things. It's all talking about things. It's all talking about home and what's going on. And I think that's what a lot of trauma starts. You said something that was really cool, cool in a negative way. Because I have conversations with my mom a lot. My mom is like my best friend. So I'm always going to talk about her. But I always tell her, I say one of the worst things I think I ever saw about

her was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed for my father. She sacrificed raising us. You know, she always put herself on the back burner, but what it did is that it taught me to sacrifice. So now I'm putting myself on the back burner and I'm putting everybody else first. And now I'm realizing that 40 years or 44 years, whatever, that this isn't healthy. Like you can't continue to sacrifice, you know, it's like, what are, what is it worth? Like, what are you worth? You know, you're worth more than just continuing to sacrifice and give your all to everybody. So, and that's kind of like what I heard, you know,

what you were saying basically, you know, it was kind of like you didn kind of like what I heard, you know, what you were saying, basically, you know, it was kind of like, you didn't want your daughters to see, you know, that those things in you and to grow in that. So it's pretty cool. Maybe that's why I need to have kids so I can see the things I need to change. But then I'll change diapers. So then we're just going to leave it there. Take them out like four.

So I wanted to foster kids, right? So because I have this big issue with people in this world not knowing love, right? That's an issue for me. I'm like, it's so horrible that people feel like they can just be tossed aside and wasted and those kind of things. Right. But then I've been watching the show The Fosters. I don't know if you guys ever seen the show The Fosters. No. It was like on ABC or Freeform or one of those things.

It's off the air now, but really nothing on TV. So I kind of been binge watching it. And it's The Fosters and they foster kids. And I'm like, you know what? I'm hanging that shit up. The shit they go through. I'm good. I ain't fostering no kids. Like it was a good idea. parent, you have to have the ability to love beyond, you know, you have to love beyond insecurities, love beyond pain, love beyond hurt. And it's like, wow, I don't have that capability. You do. You do. And yeah, it's, it will push you to limits that you did not know that you had,

but you, you find those places of where you can push. But what I am learning, because this is all a journey, right? Like I coach people, but every day I am learning something new. And like you said, kids are mirrors. They show me every flaw I have in myself. Like I'm like, oh, I don't like that my feelings with them, share my emotions, and let them know that emotions are safe, and that they can deal with them, and that they are free to have them. And so I feel like it's only two little people, but I get to help change the way the world views emotions and feelings and how we cope with them, because they have emotions. And my youngest, she's an empath and she feels everything. And it's so hard to like witness it and help her through it. But because of my journey with anxiety, I've learned breathing techniques. I've learned meditation. I've learned journaling, all these things.

So now I get to take everything I learned and I can give her the tools. And I'm not just like, hey, watch mommy drink another beer. Like she now has tools to start doing that. And so at 10 years old, she journals, she does her gratitude. She knows how to breathe. She knows how to meditate. She can do these things. And so she's learning how to take care of herself. And it's like, oh, this would have been useful for me growing up. Right, right, right. I think that's a good thing now about like this era with social media and internet, even though I guess we're about to lose TikTok. But I'm like, I'm glad I didn't waste my time getting my blue check. But no, it's like there's so many you know one thing about these new these new school kids is that they're you know they're i follow two young guys and i'm not really a

religious person but they always quoting from the bible and they kind of give a message and it's like wow like they're young and they're like getting something out of it and turning it into something positive and it's like because sometimes i lose you lose faith in the humanity i do every day i see something and i'm like you're not sure it's it's i think it's just the way that everything comes uh out something happens like you think something's good happening and something bad happens so then you're like second guessing it basically but to me though i just think this world is just crazy like the stuff that people do the things you have to worry about i recently actually witnessed a black father having a conversation with his kids about police officers you know and and about like you know

there's gonna be a time where together we're going to get pulled over. You're going to see me put my hand on the dashboard. I need you to do the same thing. But to witness that conversation was like, wow. Like you never think about it being that deep, you know? And it's like, it's crazy that we live in a world where these are the conversations that parents have to have with their kids.

It's scary having to talk to my youngest who they do the lockdown drills, the bad guy drills or those sorts of things. And for an empath who feels everything, they actually did a lockdown the other day at school just because there was police activity in the area. And she came out of school and she was sort of okay looking i'm like hey honey how are you and i knew what had happened but she was holding it all together but the second she got to me she just broke down because the her experience is if they lock the school down then that means right this and so they locked it down, just like it was like a minor lockdown. It was like a full on lockdown. But the kids took that as we've been practicing for this. And so I can't even begin to imagine the fear and terror that was

going through all of these elementary school kids. And to feel that like, we didn't have that. It was like stop stop drop and roll that's what i remember right right like uh just say no just say no but you know what i think about that so i think about like these kids went through like 9-11 you know it's like they grew up in school where every year now they're doing a 9-11 memorial and they got to watch these videos of people jumping out the window and you know trying to escape and like and then downhill from there you know war and then look at everything going on in the world now i really don't follow

things i'm one of those people that they say ignorance is bliss and that's why clowns are happy so i'm gonna keep my ass ignorant because if I sit there, I'm probably a lot like your daughter. I feel everything. And it's like if I sit there and like watch this stuff, it's bad enough. Like I scroll through Instagram and you see like these kids covered in blood. And I'm like, this is innocence. What is wrong with us? Yeah, I don't watch the news.

It doesn't do me any good for my mental health. So I try and stay out of it. I get the information when I need it. But until then, I just stay back because I cannot handle that much negativity in my life. I know what I can and can't handle. Now, are your daughters, are they in the same school? They are in two different schools. handle that much negativity in my life. I know what I can and can't handle. Now, are your daughters, are they in the same school? They are in two different schools. One's a middle schooler and then one's elementary school.

Like I said, that probably had to be hard to like worry about your sister. If she was in the same school, I was thinking about that. Like, oh my God, like, you know. Yeah. Well, they probably locked down. Are they close together? No. They probably locked down or are they close together no both of them right no but they're they're like a mile apart so it was just in our neighborhood there was some sort of police activity that shut the school down and i just can't fathom what that would feel like to a kid so we came home and we had to like kind of work through some things. But once again, I was so happy I, I was available for that because old me would not have been available for that because it was... Want to be here? so aware of my feelings and other people's feelings and what, like, how can we respect that and work through it and allow them to be and rather than suppressing them.

Because that was my MO was just push it down. Yeah, that's pretty amazing that you teach your kids how, you know, the talk and to kind of work and work it through, like you said, meditation and breathing. And I'm a little jealous that she can do it at 10 years old and i still can't meditate and i'd be trying so hard but then i'd be meditating about how i'm gonna design my meditation room and then i realized i ain't doing it right thinking about how do you meditate i know like like, okay, am I meditating? Right? Listen, I've been meditating now for four and a half years and I don't think I do it right, but I'm doing it. And I live for guided meditations for someone to walk me through it so that my brain can keep track of someone else's voice and then telling

me what to do. Otherwise I'm like, I don't know, a squirrel just over there chasing all the different things. And I, you know, I'm like, Oh, what do I need to put on the grocery list? Or what do I have to like all the things. One thing I guess is really cool about this conversation, what we're like, what, 10 minutes in maybe, maybe 20 minutes in is just to see how human you are. You know, so it's like if nothing else is coming across, it's like Starland is human as hell. OK, and I think that's pretty amazing because a lot of people don't want to show that side of themselves or to admit like, hey, I'm doing this. And yeah, I coach, but I'm still learning every day because I think the biggest message we can give people in mental health is that it's a journey, like you said. And sometimes, I mean, I feel like it's everlasting. Like you're always going to be

on some kind of journey. There's always going to be something that's going to irritate or upset you in a mental health capacity. You know, it's always going to be those traumas and those triggers. And you know, I always tell people, I think that's the reason why I'm single. I have so much trauma and so many triggers that like, I don't even want to let people in my circle because I don't want you to trigger me, you know? So focusing on being triggered. Right. So, and I'm still in my healing journey. So it's like, I'll get there. I know I'll get there. Um, I came such a long way. I mean, if you would have met me two years ago, you don't be like, Oh, he is an asshole. And I was, you know, and now it's like, everybody loves me. And it's like, I didn't even do nothing to get love, you know, you're just existing and being open and honest. And I think

that the humanness is the key component. Like I would just never vulnerable. I didn't allow myself to share anything or show weakness. Now, part of my journey and like how I show up on like Instagram and in life is I am so open with everything that's going on and vulnerable because I want everyone else to know that you don't have to be perfect. Like that's a big sign of like high functioning anxiety is that need to be perfect because you're just trying to stay safe. If I'm perfect, I'll be loved. If I'm perfect and like, I won't fail. Like everyone will accept me. And that's how I lived. And now I'm like,

screw it. Like, let's take all that away. Be vulnerable, open and allow everyone to feel that. And that is like, I don't know. I think that's where the beauty comes in, is where people can feel safe to just be exactly who they are. Right. And to me, I always say, you know, to me, I kind of change it and I say, you know, we kind of need to look at perfection differently because, you know, for me to say I'm not perfect. It's like, who the hell are you compare yourself to if it's just you you know you're perfectly you right you're you're perfectly you we're all trying to fit into this mold that we think we need to be which is total bs there's there's no mold right i think that's a lot to do with like social media Everybody's always trying to be that mom or that dad or just that person where, you know, I seen a video about this girl, she was cleaning her house and she wanted to show

that it's okay to have a dirty house once in a while. And she pulled her couch out and like behind it was so dirty. And she's like, but I'm living my best life. Basically, my house may be dirty, but that just shows you I'm living. Amen to that. Because yeah, living like who at the end of the day, none of us gets out alive. Like, so what are you going to take with you? And I have, I have gone to this place of where like, what am I going to be like when I'm 80, 90, a hundred years old, my grandma lived to be 103. So I'm shooting for 110. So I got a long road ahead of me. I'm shooting for 120. That's

what the Bible says. So. And I'm doing 60. Come on girls, we're going to be more than 60. But yeah, how are you going to live your life? Do you want to look back and be like, I had a perfectly clean house and I was, you know, my kids were always dressed perfectly and all these things. Forget that. I want to go out and have adventures and

get messy. Right. See, I'm at that point where I'll go out and I have adventures and I'll get messy, but I'll do it by myself. So I'm trying to learn how to open myself up to allow other people to come in to kind of have those experiences with me. But I'm still living my best life right now. You know, it's just it's really hard. Like I said, when I just think this world is like crazy. So now the world I said is definitely definitely crazy world i mean it's like another just another crazy story so i was going to this barbershop i have issues with barbers

anyway so i was going to the barbershop and i guess someone decided they didn't like me and started sending me messages that if i continue to go to this barbershop, they were going to kill me. Right. And it was like, I mean, keep your faggot ass away from this barbershop and don't get this barber to cut you. And I'm like, what? And I text him, you know, I send it to the barber and I'm like, bro, you got a stalker. Like this is more of a you issue than a me issue. But it's like a simple task of getting my haircut turned now into like I'm in freaking Iran somewhere and I got to worry about a bomb dropping on my head. You know, not the same thing, but I'm overdramatic. So that's how I see it. You know, it's like, do I have to worry about this?

Like, do I take this lightly? Do I not to worry about this? Like, do I take this lightly? Do I not take it, you know, serious? You know, it's like you just never know with people. It's like, do I need to find a new barber now? You know, I went a month without getting a haircut just because it was, I didn't know what to do. It was like. That's crazy. That's crazy.

We live in a place that you should be able to get a haircut. A haircut, that's what I'm saying. And then I was like, I scheduled my appointment. I was on time for my appointment, which means I didn't take nobody's spot. So I don't even understand why you're threatening me. Yeah, that person's got issues. I mean, that's a them problem

for sure. Definitely. Come and watch these fucking feelings. Right. You need to get out some of those fucking feelings and and i mean you can drive me all day long i'm kind of cool with it i mean i'm one of those people where of course my phone number is posted online just because of the podcast right and i have had people who have been in i'm like you i'm not a professional i'm an advocate you know i feel like i learned in dealing with my mental health that you can have moments of peace in this lifetime. And what?

I had my first moment of peace and I'm like, this shit is amazing. So I want everybody to feel it. That's why I do this. Right. You know, but, you know, if you reach out and you need someone to talk to, I'm going to talk to you. He is going to talk. Yeah, I'm going to talk. Look, I tell people, you reach out, you better make sure you're ready to talk to you. He is going to talk. Yeah, I'm going to talk. Look, I tell people, if you reach out, you better make sure you're ready to talk, okay?

But people need that, right? Like sometimes it's daunting to go to a professional. But if there's, you know what I mean? Like there's that label, there's that feeling. So if you have someone to talk to that's just been there, they been through the shit like they have been in it sometimes you just need that to like a professional maybe has helped other people through it but they maybe haven't been in it they haven't felt what sort of you feel yeah yeah everybody's i'm not against professionals i had the greatest therapist ever. Right. And the one,

I was with her for two years. We spent two years together. And the one thing that she taught me was to talk, you know, she got me talking to the point where I don't shut up. Cause I know starting, I was like, this interview is about me.

And if I learn one more thing about you, I'm happy. I love a real conversation. This is, I'm all for it. All right, cool. But one thing she did teach me was talk.

And then, you know, it came to a point where she was like, we can't see each other no more. And I'm all for it. All right, cool. But one thing she did teach me was talk. And then it came to a point where she was like, we can't see each other no more. And I'm like, oh, devastated. How are you breaking up with me? And I paid you my co-pays. You know what I'm saying? I get you money. Are you still breaking up with me? But she said, go talk

to people you love. Go share your stories with the world. It's not doing no good in this room. You know, it's not, I'm like, you help me, but you can't help me no more. And I feel like I can't help you no more, but the world can. And that's what you need to do is go out there and talk to the world. And that kind of was kind of the motivation behind this podcast. It's like, okay, world, here I am.

I'm talking. That's amazing. I love that story. That's so good. You know, it's professionals aren't for everybody, but they can be useful. One thing about mental health is that there are a million methods.

There are a million different things that people need to work on. My trauma is not your trauma. My trauma is not your trauma. My issue is not your issue. Search and find what works for you. Right. And for the mamas out there, if you overworld, then Starland is for you. Right?

That's right. Let's talk about what made you decide to get into coaching. Yeah. So because of my journey and my desire to help people, like I'd already like gone to school for food science and human nutrition, and I wanted to help people be healthier. Like I see so many children growing up in households with unhealthy parents. And I was like, I want to help the next generation be healthier and live and you know that. So that was sort of where it started

but then I realized I don't want to tell people what to eat and I don't think food is the only way to obtain health and through my journey I realized all of these other components like I exercised every morning even though I would drink and maybe be hung over the next day and have spent half the night awake with anxiety and guilt and shame and telling myself what a piece of shit I was because I drank again. And now, you know, I have to get up and deal with kids and I'm probably going to be angry and have no patience. And, you know, it was, that was the cycle, right? Every day. But I would get up. That answers the question, though, that people have, like, when do I know it's wrong? When you go through everything you listed, when you start going through that guilt and that shame and that questioning and that anxiety and that feeling bad about it, it may not be the right thing for you to be doing.

Yeah. And down. Right. Yeah. you to be doing yeah and down right yeah it is a cycle where you just keep in it right it's like okay it numbs those feelings of the guilt and the shame and all that right for a short period and then all of a sudden you wake up and you're like and it's back but i would get up every day and work out because i was like i'm healthy and i can prove that i don't have a problem if I can get up and work out every day. And I wanted to have a certain body type. And so it was this bath-ackwards way of showing the world that I was healthy. And I wasn't reaching my fitness goals because I was drinking and doing all these other things. But as soon as I quit drinking and I reframed my exercise to be

movement that actually improved my mental health, I moved, because it helped move anxiety through my body. I moved because it, you know, kind of quieted the voices in my head. And I started moving for that reason. Everything changed, like my body changed, how I felt changed all of it changed and so it was reframing why I was doing certain things and I was like I have to share this with people I need to help help other you know women to be able to reach the health goals that they want but do a combination of where you're looking at the mental health and the physical health, because they're intertwined. If you're coping with, you know, your feelings and your emotions by binge eating, or binging Netflix, doom scrolling, like all these things that are keeping you from like, your fitness goals. But you can't get out of it because you're like, I don't want to feel those

feelings. So I'm going to keep suppressing them through these. You're never going to get healthy over here physically because you're stuck in this like emotional trap. So now I take them and I combine them. I'm like, let's work on the mindset. Let's work on that inner. I call it the inner bitch who likes to tell you all the things in your head about how you're not good enough. Right, right, right. We've all got one of those. So we work on that. Like, is she telling you the truth?

Probably not. Let's quiet her down. So working on the mindset side of things and then integrating the physical stuff, getting you to get better sleep. How can we start working on that so that you're maybe not in a fight or flight response next day. Cause you didn't get enough sleep and you start the day off on the wrong foot, you know?

So, and I, but, and then, and then even with that said, though, is that people need to understand that it's okay to have bad days. You know,

it was like, give yourself some damn grace. That was like every day I would, cause I had to be perfect. But every day when I was really going through the thick of it and trying to make these changes, I'd be like, it's okay to be human. Give yourself some grace, give yourself some grace. And every time that I would start to feel things, I would just like, give yourself some grace. And I just sort of made that be like

the mantra in the back of my head where I don't say it to myself very often. But I realized yesterday that I have not felt guilt or shame or had any of those negative feelings towards myself in so long that I can't remember the last time I felt it. Whereas before it was every single day I felt that. That's pretty dope. And I'm like, wait a minute. When's the last time I felt mom guilt? Cause that's, that's, that's legit stuff. Like where you feel just so guilty about not showing up for your kids. And I'm like, I don't know the last time I had that feeling years,

probably unbelievable. Yeah. That's kind of what I'm working on now. I have a lot of guilt about being okay. When there's so many people in the world that are not okay. And that's just my biggest guilt because it's like I have a pretty – in my circle, it's like everybody's just so miserable. And I don't want to deal with it. You know, it's always like, I'm a bad friend because I don't want to talk to you and hear the same story you've been telling me for three months. When I done told your ass, change it. Yeah, make a change.

Change it. But here we are having the same conversation. And now if I told you out, don't be mad at me because I told you, you get three times to talk to me about the same thing. Right. Three times, not three months, just three. But really, that's like my my biggest thing is like I'm trying so hard because I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I know that I'm doing the work, you know, is like I take in, you know, these episodes. We always tell people I started a podcast for free therapy. You know, I get them by all these people up here and they tell me all the things that work for them.

And now I get to use it. Of course, we look at each other and it's like, touch your head, touch your shoulders. Like, girl, take your shoes off, get grounded. Why do you feel this way? What's making you feel this way? It's kind of like you said, let's shut that bitch up. You know what like this, you know, why do you feel this way? You know, what's making you feel this way? You know, it's kind of like you said, let's shut that bitch up. You know what I'm saying? The bitch is necessary sometimes, but you supposed to be with each other and for each other.

You know what I'm saying? So it's like. I'm supposed to be your best friend. Right. Your bitch is supposed to be your best friend. You're supposed to be on one accord. And it's just, I keep you there just in case I need to go off on somebody else. Right. But not myself, you know, but what would you say would be like in a situation where someone would benefit from your services? Is there like a

certain stage in their healing process or is it just knowing like, Hey, I need to try something new. I feel like it's someone who's early on in their healing process where they don't know maybe where to start, where they haven't even fully – like it might be someone who is focused more on physical health and they haven't really realized that maybe they have an issue with anxiety or stress causing them the problems with reaching their goals, right? They might be overwhelmed in their life and they don't see the correlation between the two. So maybe after this conversation, they'll be like, oh, oh, maybe, maybe one is causing the other issues. So people that are early on in that journey, I can help them sort of crack some things wide open so they can see that there is a possibility to kind of heal and learn more about themselves. And I have this belief that, you know, anxiety is a part of the human condition. I don't think that we can ever be anxiety free. I don't think that there's a necessity for that.

It's there to keep us safe. I mean, it's part of who we are. But I think you can have freedom from anxiety where it doesn't need to control you, that you can have the tools that you need in order to work with it. I like to use anxiety almost as like a guidepost. When I start to feel anxious, I can take a pause and be like, why? Why am I feeling that? What's causing that? And before I was not in tune with myself. So I, life's just too much. I don't know. I'm anxious. Now I have tuned in enough to where, you know,

before the show, I was feeling anxious. So I'm, I'm shaking, you know, and I stopped and I did a meditation and some breathing and I had all the tools, but I knew what was causing it. Right. So if we can like stop and tune in and figure out why am I feeling anxious? And maybe as a mom, it could be because you are giving yourself to everyone and ignoring your needs. You know, I hate that. I can't say, Hey, like you said, strong word, the term self-care did not resonate with me because it sounded selfish. And I did not want to put all that focus on me. I'm a mom. I need to take care of my kids and self-care seemed, I don't know, bougie and like, you got to go to the spa and all these things. So it's more for me, it's like personal wellness, right? What do I need to do to take care of me? That's going to make me better for everyone else. And how can I look at it that way? And for me,

personal wellness is going hiking. That's my form of self-care. Get up in the mountains, get away from people, be by myself. Thanks. Or animals. So I'm a pass. I'm all for it. I love it. That is, that is my personal. But to come down to me and the kids had went to, um, Mount Marcy. Do you know where that is?

Um, it's in the adirondacks okay and it's like a really big hike and it took us six hours to walk up this mountain and remind you my daughter was four years old and she was good but we didn't make it to the top because it was six hours and my mind started playing tricks as you're walking down. It's going to take six hours to walk down. And then I'm thinking of bears and snakes. So we turned back around. My son finished the hike, but it took us six hours to walk back down. That was...

I love the downhill. Give me the back down that was I love the I love the downhill give me the downhill all day I love it we fell rivers nothing we had I have friends always invite me to camp in and those kind of things and I'm like what's the closest

hotel I'll come yeah like i'll sit around the campfire eat a marshmallow or two you know as soon as the mosquitoes come out i'm out what if i see anything i don't like you know i'm saying it could be a ladybug i'm deuces okay but see that's your like personal wellness right like it's your personal flavor you know we all have our own flavor of anxiety give your own flavor of how you deal with it right you know it's crazy to be scared of like a little ass bug it is like ridiculous i'm like look how big i am and you know what think about those i think some bugs are just cute like some bugs are

cute as shit right but can you be cute on TV? Like, I don't want to see you in person. So so I take it you don't live in the country. I kind of do. That's the bad thing. Like I come outside in the morning to like deer and rabbits and I'm like. That's not my alarm. We went for a walk. We started walking during our lunchtime

break. And this one time we were walking and there was a deer. Uh-uh. We're going to tell the story. Before the deer, there was some chipmunks, right? So we got to tell the story. They was cute as shit. I never saw chipmunks in real life. Chipmunks. Little babies. Cool. But now they want to play. They want to run all close and shit. I don't know about no chipmunks. I don't know if y'all bite and you got rabies. It ain't cool. But cool. We start walking. Now they stop to wait for somebody. One of our coworkers is standing next to the deer. She don't even see the deer. She's standing next to the deer. I'm like, deer, deer, deer.

So turn around for the person that we're waiting on. It's standing next to a snake. I was like, walk is over. I'm going back to work. Okay. It's like a real life Cinderella or Snow White story with all the animals. Last we've been walking yeah we've been walking since then yeah no but not going i'm cool i don't even walk to the back of our building anymore i drive okay i go around the park a lot in my car i drive to the back when i gotta go to the back there yeah no it don't make no sense

but they're so cute right they're so cute, right? They're so cute. It's cute to like nature. Bambi, you know, Bambi's cute on TV. On TV, you know, they're cute. You know, I could play with a baby. I'll even babysit. I will babysit.

You hear me? I'm a good babysitter. But I'm going to give them everything they want. I'm just going to let you know. I don't care what your rules are. If you ask me to babysit, I'm gonna break all of them. Telling me don't give them sugar. You might as well just go ahead and tell me to do what I'm gonna do. And then I probably won't do the things that you don't want me to do.

Because if you give me a list, don't give them sugar. What? No, kids like sugar. I'm here to make them happy. You know what? If I asked me to babysit for me, I kind of expect it. I'm like, I can't put hard and fast rules. As long as you keep them alive, that's all I'm looking for. They're going to be alive, they're going to be fed,

and they're going to be safe. I can guarantee you all those things. But what I'm going to... My inner kid is going to come out, and I'm going to have chocolate all over my face when you get back. You know what I mean? I'm going, my inner kid is going to come out and I'm going to have chocolate all over my face when you get back. You know what I mean? I'll be looking like the guilty one that's stealing the cookies. That baby's it. Now, what would you say to somebody? We actually, so I know a lot of people who don't.

Well, you know, it's funny. Like I said, we grew up, I actually grew up and people used to tell me that mental health was a white people thing. You know what I'm saying? Like black folks don't have mental health issues. You know, black people don't go to therapy. I grew up in a community that was kind of like just black and white. We're Puerto Rican, so we fit where we fit. You know what I'm saying? But I just remember growing up hearing things about that, know like you know a therapist there were so many stigmas about going to therapy or seeing a psychiatrist or oh they get a check oh he on pills he crazy you know it's like so now here it is people from like our generation kind of you said that has these stigmas they know something's wrong they think they might be help but either they don't believe

it's possible, they're ashamed of going to get the help, or they feel like they're not worthy. What do you say to those people? First of all, you're worthy. That's half the problem right there is I think people don't think they're worthy or that they don't have what it takes to change or they're too, you know, either they, other people have it worse, right? I would tell myself that all the time. Oh, I've got it pretty good. Other people have it worse than me. And so why should I take, why do I need to make that move and do that? Like, I don't have anything to complain about. I just need to fix it.

I just need to do better. You know? Right. That's always been one of my pet peeves too. I hate when people say that once again, it's not supposed to use hate, but it's like that. We actually did a whole episode on it.

You know, it was like that. There's someone out there that has it worse. It's like, don't minimize my moment. You know, don't minimize your moment. You know, it's like, it's okay for you to feel hurt. It's okay for you to have pain. It's okay for you to feel sorry for yourself for a moment. You know, we're talking

about moments now. Like, it's okay to have these moments and to be a little selfish and to stand in that moment. And it could be your party, cry if you want to you know but it's like i think that's where like you know it's like it's always my mom always says it too you know oh someone out there has it worse and i'm like if the worst pain crystal ever felt was a paper cut that pain is equal to what i feel with my cancer because it's her worse. How can I say it's not equal? It's her worse. It's the worst thing she ever get that, you know? So it's like, let's stop comparing.

Like you can have your issues and still be compassionate to those issues to other people without the comparison. Right. It's like, yeah, you know, compassion is the word we need. Comparison is the word we need to throw away. Yeah, 100%. And I think what people need to realize is that is life hard? Yes. Are we supposed to struggle our way through life? I don't believe so. I don't believe that we were put here to struggle and feel pain all the time. Is pain part of the experience? Yes. But it also allows you to see the beauty, right?

When I was drinking, I was numbing that pain, which meant I numbed the beauty. Now I feel everything and it's so damn hard, but I get to feel all the good too, right? So if people are struggling with where they're at, do you want to continue to struggle and have it get worse? And also who's watching you? If you're a parent, are your kids watching this because they are going to follow in your footsteps, they are sponges. So if you want to change the trajectory of their life, you have to change where your life is going. So look at how what impact you want to have? Do you want to keep? Do you want to have your story be like the story of struggle? Because I want to have this story of it was highs and lows and it was crazy, but I got out and it was beautiful.

And I want my kids to see that and be able to get through life and not have it be every day was so damn hard. Right. And to know that you're human in the middle of all of this. Yes. All of this, you're human. It's like you have that victim mentality or you can have that victor mentality. You know what I'm saying? 100%. And the idea that I think people have this, we've been, you know, I think that medication is good for some people. Yeah, I agree.

But the idea that it's like pop that Xanax to make it go away, you're just numbing out that feeling. You're not getting to the root cause of what's causing that in the first place. If you can figure out where that's coming from and make a change, you won't need to numb out. Right. So rather than trying to take away the feelings, allow yourself to feel some of them and figure out the ways that you can allow that to exist in your life and use it as a tool. Like I use my anxiety as a tool. And if you can learn to use that to carve your own path. And when I coach people, you know, we create these lifestyles and it's not cookie cutter because i like to lift weights but somebody

else might like to go for a run and i'm not going to tell them out in six years you saw how you was going every day i'm like damn i need to go to a gym but got like for you know like my favorite my go-to movement is walking i love walking i walk probably five six miles a day with my dog because it gets the feelings through my body. I get outside and I can experience things. I used to like to walk, too. You know what? When do people find time to do this stuff?

Like, you have two kids, okay? When do you find time to work out? I'd be on Instagram scrolling and stuff. And for some reason, I'm always getting Instagram pictures of half-naked men. I don't know why. It's not like I look at them or anything. But anyway, they have these most incredible bodies. And you're like, bitch, do you eat?

When do you have time? That time that you're scrolling is the time you can be working out. People say that, right? People say that. But I might scroll for like 10 minutes a day it really is my down time my checkout moment right because my days are legit i mean i work a day job we record a podcast we usually do one every day um and then i do all the back work behind the podcast. And then I also raised my mama, right? And my mama a lover,

but she is 72. I'm going to tell her age and she's going to be mad at me, which means that she's set in her ways. See, at least kids, you can like mold them. She is molded already. And when I tell you she is stubborn as hell,

this woman is stubborn as hell. So it was like, by the time I get home and I spend time with my mom, because I make sure, you know, she's home every day by herself. So I want to make sure that she still has some human interaction. When I get in bed, it's not for no TV show. It is to try to wind down, which takes me a long time. So I listen to music or I write a lot, but it's like, I don't see a time.

I'm like, yeah, okay. I can work out for 10 minutes, but is it really going to help? I think so. Yeah. You think so?

Absolutely. If you say that to a workout person, we're going to edit all this. Okay. We don't exercise. No, that's what, that's something that you choose no no for your mental health so everybody has their own no everybody has their own yeah but

also i mean and i joke a lot but i think taking care of your mental health and your physical health should kind of always equal and kind of be the same. And I say that as a person now living with cancer, you know, it was like, maybe there's things I could have done to change this. Maybe if I didn't eat fruit roll-ups every night and sleep in a box, you know, I wouldn't be here because, you know, I legit sleep in a box of fruit roll-ups. It's okay. It's part of my healing process. Okay. Fruit roll-ups. My man, we being in this relationship, we've been in this relationship.

We've been going on a year strong now. I think they're going to pop the question any day. That's strawberry better. They got a pillow and I bought a family size box and it has a pillow. At night, I say goodnight.

I love you. He finishes the box and they get in a fight and he throws it out right then i get a new one and be like oh this one's better because i got designs on them i don't know what it is about full love they're like the best thing ever but um maybe you could send me a free box kellogg hey kellogg but but get it back on topic let's talk a little bit more about the services that you do offer so what would a coaching session be like or how is it a program and how long is the program okay yeah i work with people for six months at a time because i don't think that you can make lasting

changes to your lives if you try and do it in a quick six-week challenge or something. You can have a few things that change or one thing that sticks, but it might not stick for very long. So over six months, it's every two weeks, we're on a Zoom call. And we work through a 50-minute session and find out where you're at, where you want to go and work on setting goals that align with what it is that you actually want. And that's part of it is finding out what do you actually want? We think we know what we want till we dig really deep. And we maybe thought we wanted something because we thought that's what we're supposed to want. So it's actually finding out what we truly

want and why, because that why is that. You need to know why. Everybody wants to be a millionaire, but why? But why? What are you going to do with this? Exactly. And knowing that why can help drive you to stay consistent. So we, we work together on that. And then in between that, I use Vox or, you know, the walkie talk app to help people to make a coach in their pocket throughout the week. Cause a lot of times people don't have support. They don't have somebody to help them be accountable. And so I want to be that support system while they learn

how to build themselves up to be at a place where they can maintain it. And we work on, you know, anything from, you know, where you're at with your nutrition, your sleep, setting boundaries, you know, movement, helping you with your mindset, doing things like meditation wise, maybe or gratitude journaling, all these things that sound so basic and simple and are like buzzwords, but I, they work, they work, they work. And until you actually implement them, you will never see that. But I help people like let's, let's work on finding ways that it works for you, because this is something that I want you, I don't want to tell people what to do. That's not my job. I don't want to tell people what to do because I don't know what works for you. And I could tell you to eat broccoli

and kale or whatever, but if you don't like it, you're probably not going to eat it. So let's find something you do like. Oh my gosh. I wouldn't be an easy client, just to let you know. We order lunch and it's literally

a bun and... Like a bread like in a piece of chicken like no lettuce no potatoes i am look plain jane noodles plain nothing in it oh my gosh order chinese like all right like legit just lo mein noodles i don't want no meat i want no vegetables i barely want soy sauce. Oh my gosh. I need all the flavors and all the vegetables, but I don't tell people what to do, right? Like we find out what works for you. And then if you really want to make change, there are certain things that you open up to. You might've been like, I'm not eating vegetables, but when we figure out why you want this change so bad and it becomes your idea almost, your brain is more likely to be like, you know what?

Maybe we will try that broccoli because this is why we want it. And this is what we want. We want to live to be 120 years old and maybe we need some different nutrients in our diet. You know, I get it. But, you know, actually, I take it back. They got green for roll ups. Bam. Moving on up.

Now, I know you said accountability and you kind of you said that multiple times. Why is that so important? Because if you're not held accountable, you're not going to stick to anything. Right. And I think that I am a person that has a very strong will and I can hold held accountable. You're not going to stick to anything. Right. And I think that I am a person that has a very strong will and I can hold myself accountable. If I say I'm going to do something, you better watch out. I will do it even if it's a bad idea. Right. Right. I will, you know, I will do it if I said I'm going to do it, but not everyone has that. And so I,

that's part of what I help people with is I act as that for them until they see that they can do it. Cause a lot of people don't believe they can do something until they've done it for a while. And they're like, Oh, this isn't so hard. I got this. So they just having somebody there that's kind of, I've kind of got that like a big sister, like, you know, tough love sort of thing going on. But also I'm going to be there to hold you when you're having a bad day, maybe because I've been there. Your muscles to threaten me. Okay. She's like that good bitch.

Right. Good part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you need that. You need, sometimes you need tough love, right? Like people are, you know, getting, you know, Oh, you know, just, just try a little hard. You know, like you guys, sometimes you need tough love right like people are you know getting you know oh you know just just try a little hard you know like you guys sometimes you gotta be like man you are giving yourself excuses what are your like why why are you giving yourself the same excuses i said i wanted to be held i did not say i wanted to be held accountable okay my bad it's just holdie and we're going to be good. Now, of course, I'm going to list all of your contact information on this website.

I mean, on this episode and on this website. But before we close out, I just wanted to make sure, is there anything we did not give you an opportunity to tell our audience? Because Crystal always talks too much. I know, Crystal. She just didn't shut up the whole time um no i just want people to know that they can change that their anxiety doesn't have to rule your life and that you you can have an effect on your physical health while you work on your mental health and vice versa that these two are intertwined and your kids are watching so take care of you and that's you're worthy the world is watching okay

the world is watching it's like your podcast you're going out there to change lives this is what i want to do i want to change lives i want to change the trajectory of like the world i want to i want us to love ourselves. I'm the same way. I'm like, oh my God, we should all know what this peace is. Like I know what peace is. Like peace, like laid my head down, mind clear, no worry.

That's my passion. I started to worry because I wasn't worrying. I was like, hold up. Now something ain't right. What you mean? You ain't got no worries today? And when I felt that, I was like, hold up now. Something ain't right. What you mean? You ain't got no worries today. And when I felt that I was a lot like you, I'm like this.

People need to know. You said it earlier, too. Like my creator did not create me to be unhappy. Right. My creator did not create me to have miserable moments. I have to believe that. I have to believe that my like even if there is a parallel paradise after this life there could be one in this life too you know yeah like you could and and it's

gonna be moments because it's never gonna always be completely 100 good right you're entitled to your bad days it's okay to live through those bad days, you know, but live through them, move on from them. I actually also wanted to say something else before we close out too much. I mean, before we close out. But it is if you go and you seek help and say you go to a psychiatrist or therapist and the first thing they decide to do is give you medicine, run. They are not therapists for you. Okay. Like no one should be giving you medicine on your

first time meeting them. No one should be trying to prescribe things, you know, your first time sitting down with them. They don't even know anything about you. It's just my belief. And I'm saying that as an advocate, as someone who was put on medicine and didn't need to be put on medicine. And I took medicine for six months before I realized like the therapist used everything I said and turned it around on me. You know, it was, it was, this was before I met my good therapist, right? This is the bad therapist story, but it was in the middle of COVID. So it was like, do you go out? No. You don't hang out with your friends? No. You know, like I stay home. Oh, well, you're depressed. You know, you don't talk to a lot of people. You're depressed. You know, you do this.

So I'm gonna give you this depression pill when I think you're anxious and you need this to help you sleep because you're sleeping patterns and often. Then I started to realize, like, we're in a pandemic, so I'm not going out. Okay. Um, all of my friends, all are, you know, I'm the weird one who's like single with no kids, but they all have families. So we don't talk every day, but we still talk. I still have my friends. We just don't talk every day. So that's not negative, you know? So it was like everything that that he he used to give me that medicine yeah it was things i told him but i feel like he flipped it on me and he turned it into like a negative thing and made me think that i needed this medicine and i'm like i don't need this shit like i do not need i'm nauseous now because of it i'm fidgety now i have insomnia that I didn't have before and I can't sleep and it has all these

side effects. And he went off on one conversation. When I met my new therapist, the first thing she did was like, okay, we're weaning you off all this shit because I don't think you need none of it. And I'm going to get to know you. And as she got to know me, she said, you didn't need medication. You just needed to. Somebody to listen. Right. You just needed to open up. You just needed to be yourself.

To know your worth. You know? And that was the biggest lesson. So I just say, get Starlyn a call. Let's go to her website. Let's get her some business. You know what I'm saying? And then you can tell me about it, right? You can email us

and let us know how good she was. But no, really, I thank you so much for coming on. I thank you, number one, for showing people. I feel like you have been our most human guest. And I don't want any other guest to be mad about that, but you showed a lot of humanity just in and your hello you know it showed like hey I'm human I'm not being fake right I'm real like I believe what I say I practice what I say I know it's not

always good I don't always have a great day but but I know how to get there. I know how to deal with these issues. I'm trying to raise my kids these way. You need to do the same thing because you deserve happiness. And I feel like that's a pretty incredible thing for you to offer this world. And I wanted to say thank you just for all the comments you touched. I'm like, oh my gosh, Mike is about to make me cry. Sorry, sorry. Okay, okay. Fruit roll-ups. Think of fruit roll-ups.

Okay, that's going to be the code word. Fruit roll-ups. But no, it was pretty amazing to see how human you are. And I think that's just a big takeaway from this episode like we're human you know and that's it we're human give yourself

grace know that you're worthy seek the help get it together like let's like live peacefully like we should be like all living like we're stone in the 70s and, like, everything's red and cool.

Yes. But without the marijuana, you know what I'm saying? Well, we thank you so much for coming on. Thank you so much for dealing with us for this past hour. I'm pretty sure our audience is going to love you. I think that you're incredible.

Maybe we can get you back on at a later date and have some more conversation. Yes. Yes. Thank you, guys. This was wonderful. Yeah, and I'm going to send you a pillow, but you got to send me your address. You got to send the address. If you don't send the address, I'm going to forget to send you the pillow.

I need a place to put my fruit roll-ups. Right. And they are good on the pillow. I need a place to put my fruit roll-ups. Right. And they are good on this pillow. Thank you so much, Starla, for being on, you guys. Make sure you check her out. And thank you guys for watching. Remember, let's keep trying

to be better than we were yesterday. Until next week, peace, love, and blessings. Bye.